9 BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS BEEP BEEP! (PLAYS THE BLUES) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (organ playing rousing theme) Dad, it's so enlightened of you to take us to a WNBA game. Yeah, well, nachos are nachos. Over here. Over here. Whoa, check out Janeane Giraffe-alo. That's Fung Pang-Li, the seven-foot sensation from Szechuan. Szechuan, eh? No wonder she's so spicy. (Bob Hope growl) Bart, you're a little young to be growling at seven-foot Chinese ladies. Fine. I'll go back to being bored. Wow, I wonder what it would be like to be with a woman like that. Huh? Ooh. Mm, farfetched. (chuckles) Look, that's Lisa Leslie. She showed little girls everywhere that they can grow up to be six foot five. Lisa Leslie, you got game! I think you mean I have game. Try to speak correctly. You go, girl. Yes, I will depart, lest your bad grammar rub off on me. ANNOUNCER: Now, here's something for the men to dribble over. Our mascot, Swish! (strip club music playing) (men whooping) Oh, I can see her logo and everything. (chuckles) Hey, come back. Hey, I love you! Hey... (crowd gasping) Aw darn it. Swish was everything I'm not. Put the head back on. ANNOUNCER: And now, it's time for our $50,000 half-court shot. The winning fan is in Section A. Yes... Row 12... Yes... Seat... 16! Whoo-hoo! Huh? Praise the Lord, my seat has scored. Dad, this ticket is for tomorrow's WNFL game. BART: The Cowgirls versus the She-gles. No love lost there. (groans) Thanks for supporting the WNBA, sir. You betcha. It's a nice break from the male sports I usually watch. You like male sports? Oh, sure. Speed walking, ballroom dancing, rhythmic gymnastics, extreme choir. Just hurry up and miss. (dramatic music) Lord, make my shot straight and true. (gasping) (groaning) Can't we just pretend you're really a girl? Well, for how long? For the rest of our lives. (cheering) D'oh! Gosh, $50,000. I'm donating this whole cheque to Bibles for Belgians. (cheering) I'm the owner of this here team. I want to reward your generous attitude with this cheque for $100,000. (cheering) I'm crazy as a crap-house rat for philanthropy. Yee-ha! Yee-ha-ha! I'm sorry, sir. Your car's still blocked in. Well, I guess Flanders doesn't have all the luck. So we'll let you drive home in the Weiner-mobile. (horn plays 'La Cucaracha') Well, hot dog! That cuts the mustard with me. Oh, it's not fair. I always wanted to drive a food-shaped car. The steering wheel is a giant onion ring. They thought of everything. (sobbing) How come all the good things happen to Jesus H Nice? By which I mean Flanders. (humming tune) HOMER: D'oh! Hmm? D'oh! Hmm? Hmm? D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! What are you doing? The grass is actually greener on Flanders' side. That's because you keep passing out on our lawn. Oh, that's not it. He's got some secret. And I'm going to find out what it is, no matter what it takes. Flanders, what's your secret? You never get arrested, you don't buy your clothes at Mr Blob, and look at your beautiful lawn. It sickens me. Well, whatever I've got I owe to hard work, honest living and flossing my teeth, tail and toes. Plus a little prayer now and then. So that's all it takes. A little prayer. MAN: And now Ken Burns, a documentary by Ken Burns about the life of Ken Burns. Ew. Where's the remote? Ever since he was a young man Ken Burns has loved two things: baseball and jazz. They so consume my life, I never had time for a proper haircut. Well, if I don't have the remote, I can just get up and change the channel. (moans) (gasping) Wait a minute. I'll do what Flanders does. Oh, Merciful God, who has blessed mankind with two kinds of clam chowder, help me find the remote. (gasps) There it is! I've never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives. Die, Monster! You're watching Monkey Olympics on Fox. It worked. I got my wish. From now on I'll pray till my hands are chapped and bleeding. (angry chattering) MAN: Oh, low marks. I've never seen Noodles this mad. WOMAN: She's throwing her diaper at the judges. Oh, Lord, please guide that diaper into someone's schnozz. (splat) Yes! Staying on top can take an extra boost. Sometimes you need an energy drink with something more - something smarter, healthier. Introducing new Berocca Forward. We've added vitamins, minerals and the natural energy of guarana. Now that's forward thinking. Berocca Forward - more than just energy. 1 (humming) Hmm. Vengeful God. Loving God. Vengeful God. Loving God. Vengeful God, loving God. Vengeful God, loving God. Ha-ha! I could do this all day. And I just might. Vengeful God. Loving God. Vengeful God, loving God. Setting up a prayer station, eh, Homer? You know, I used to think God only helped professional athletes and Grammy winners. But now I realise he helps schmoes like me, too, Carl. Makes sense to me. Ooh, by the way, did you see the judging in the monkey figure skating? Whose banana you got to peel to get a 5.9? Could not believe that. HOMER: Dear Lord, as I think of you, dressed in white with your splendid beard, I am reminded of Colonel Sanders who is now seated at your right hand shovelling popcorn chicken into thy mouth. Lord, could you come up with a delicious new taste treat like he did? I command you. (wheels squealing) MAN: Hey, watch it! (horn blowing) Oh... fudge! Ooh. Mm. Move over eggs. Bacon just got a new best friend ` fudge. Oh, heavenly God, my son is plagued with homework. With your vast knowledge of... the shore birds of Maryland, I know you can help him. Homer, God isn't some kind of holy concierge. You can't keep bugging him for every little thing. Can and will. Now, to unstop this sink. Lord, please use your space-age clog-busting powers on this stubborn drain. Then take some time off for yourself. Fly to France, have a nice dinner. I'll just call a plumber. Oh, Lord, I see thou art working through thy imperfect vessel Marge. For thou art most wise. You know, most people pray silently. Marge, he's way the hell up there. MAN: OK. Hmm, I'm afraid I've got bad news. The trees have gotten into your plumbing. How bad is it? Your pipes have more roots than the list of all-time top rated TV shows. (groaning) Well, we could live with a stopped-up drain. I don't think all that moisture's going to do wonders for your drywall. And it ain't in such great shape as it is. (crackling) Ooh! Oh. (baby talk): You was hiding behind the drywall, yes, you were. I'm glad Social Services didn't see this, yes, I am. (coughing) Ooh, you coughed up some drywall. (organ playing) Lord, this is a dire emergency. If you could fix my house or make a new house from one of my ribs... (yelling) (yelling continues) Dad, are you hurt? I think my leg is broken. Slip and fall? Can't go back to work? I'm Larry H Lawyer, Jr. And I will fight for you. I also habla espanol. So that's your answer. I'll sue the church. Homer, we can't sue the church. They'll poke fun at us in the church bulletin. It wouldn't be the first time. I couldn't help it; those pews are so comfortable. You have rights. You deserve financial compensation. He got me $60,000. And I was driving drunk in a graveyard. You're my first client who actually is injured. According to this book, that's a big plus. Homer, please don't sue the church. I'm asking you as your friend and neighbour. Can I borrow your pen to sign this deposition? Okely dokely. (groaning) Why do I always give in to him? It's his skull; it's hypnotic. Now hearing Homer Simpson v The First Church of Springfield. Morning, Judge. How's your lovely wife? She was run over by a clergyman. (gulping) We're very sorry for the victim's injury. But as this tape demonstrates, Mr Simpson is accident prone. I can't see anything in this fog. Ow! (yelling): Ow! (laughing) Your Honour, we the jury, find that to be America's funniest home video. Back to you, Bob Saget. This is a court of law. Okeydoke. We find for Mr Simpson in the sum of $1 million. Whoo-hoo! Can I get that in lottery tickets, please? Your Honour, we don't have that kind of money. We're not a synagogue. In that case, I award Mr Simpson the deed to the church. You're giving him the church? He's not giving it to me, God is. Cos I prayed for it. Dad, I think this might be the work of Satan. It's all good. (organ playing) (grunting) Homer, for the last time, please, give the church back. (bells clanging) That is going to drive me nuts. Look, this church is our only option. Don't you kids want to live here? Anything's better than that dump we came from. And there's so many places to cloister myself. The dog's onboard, too. Aw, he thinks he's papal. Mm... Well, the court has spoken, so... here you go. The baptismal font tends to run. You have to jiggle the handle. Oh, and Wednesday is garbage day. Sweet. I'm so sorry, Reverend. Oh, it's not so bad. We'll be staying with the Flanderses. And, Rev, you'll be bunking with me. (muttering) # Tonight # # I want to lay it at your feet # # Cos, girl, I was made for you # # Girl, you were made for me # Ooh, I love this song! # I was made for loving you, baby # # You were made for loving me # # And I can't get enough of you, baby # (record scratches) Dad, there's a bunch of people in the community outreach centre. We'll just see about that. If it weren't for Alcoholics Anonymous I'd still be sucking the juice out of glow sticks. (murmuring) (clicking) I'm so sorry for all your horrible problems but this is our dog's room now. (growling) Wherever shall we go? You can come to my church. And what church might that be? Saint Paulie Girls' Cathedral. BARNEY: Yeah, OK, let's go there. Homer, that was not very Christian of you. You're right, Marge. I'll make it up to them. By throwing the bitchingest beer bash this church has ever seen! (party music playing) Bless you. Bless you. How you doing? Wow, Homer, this is like a party Dick Clark would throw. Yeah, fun, but not too fun. So where's Marge? Oh, she went to Lovejoy's temporary church. She's worried about her immortal soul. (pins clashing) He said to his disciples... In your face, Bestway Linen Supply! Yes! Yeah, no mercy! Roll that rock! (woofing) In these times that test our faith, the Lord will be a... Holy sh...ining light unto us all. Oh... Oh... (chuckling) Sorry, Padre. I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of the goyim. As I was saying, if we keep our hearts pure, we can... Dr Hibbert, must you play the claw machine? I'll be right there. I've almost got me a kitty cat. Mm... I really enjoyed your sermon. Particularly the part about the pin in the gutter on lane 15. That wasn't me; that was the manager. Are you sure? Because it really spoke to me. Marge, it's as plain as the bruise on my shin ` there's no place for me here. Where you going, Reverend? The town's that way. Reverend, you're going the wrong way. I'm sorry, Ned. Looks like God has packed up and left Springfield. No, no, you're lying. You're lying. What makes you lie?! (crying) 1 Good evening. Springfield is still grappling tonight with the departure of Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, local Bible nut. How is our community coping with this spiritual vacuum? Let's ask Arnie Pye in the sky. You want to know what I see, Kent? I see a slow news day with nothing to fill it. Arnie, you're supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church. And how am I supposed to do that? Do I have a magic lens that can see into people's souls? Well, yours would be black, Kent. Black as the ace of spades. (groaning) (lively jazz playing) Homer, send these people home. This housewarming party's been going on for two days. Hey, hey, you can't throw us out. I just made a Cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing. Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with Spam? Would you believe a rat filled with cough drops? (excited shouting) They've broken every commandment except one. CARL: Hey, Lenny, covet some more chilli fries? CARL: Hey, Lenny, covet some more chilli fries? LENNY: You bet. That's it. The whole shebang. Lord, this town may have turned its back on you, but not the Flanderses. Wherever we are, you'll have your church. Are you with me, boys? (speaking gibberish) Speaking in tongues. What great kids. (speaking gibberish) (glass shattering) Full house, jacks over twos. (laughs) Read 'em and strip, Barn. (grumbling) Ah-ah-ah, slowly. Make me forget my troubles. Oh, I hate this game. Look at all this ` the great food, the party, the sunshine ` it's hard to believe one God came up with all of this. Well, there's probably a lot of Gods. Yeah, and some of them's got to be chicks. Yeah, with, like, a thousand boobs. Whoo-hoo! That's the God I'm gonna worship. Well, there's only one God for me... your Dad's old hunting trophy. On Dasher, on Dancer... Man, I must be wasted. (thunder rolling) Homer, aren't you afraid you might be, I don't know, incurring God's wrath? Ah, God's cool. See, I don't know that he is. In the Bible, he's always smiting and turning people into salt. Oh, look ` God's giving us a little shower. Everybody! Look at the much-needed rain. Thank you, God. Now turn the rainwater into wine! (electrical buzzing) (all screaming) OK, boys, this is it: the end of this sinful little suburb. BOTH: Yay! Let every evil lung fill! (animals squawking) OK, I've got two of every animal, but only males ` I don't want any hanky-panky. Hey, hey, hey! Cut that out! (thunder rolling) Oh, wet and wonderful God, your flood has driven us to the roof of your church. Surely, this has proven whatever point you had. Oh, God's ignoring me. Dad, maybe you should stop praying. See if that makes It happy. This heretic has doomed us all! Yeah, I say we skin him alive and set him on fire! Yeah, that'll appease God. Appease who, now? (all shouting) LOVEJOY: Leave that man alone! It's Reverend Lovejoy! (cheering) Let us pray. Dear Lord, please spare this sinful town. They were misled by a demon in blue pants. (all cheering) I guess I learned something here. God is capable of great anger and great mercy. But mostly, great anger. There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain. And with all the trees cut down, a flood was inevitable. Yeah, but what made the rain stop? I don't know. Buddha? Hey, they've suffered enough. Keep that popcorn chicken coming, Colonel. Mmm... mmm! Not bad. I think it's about time for you to tell me what's in those spices. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016