1 BOOBERELLA: Welcome to 'Matinee of Blood and Commercials.' I am your hostess, Booberella. Our first fright flick is 1983's Frankenstein and the Harlem Globetrotters Meet the Mummy and the Washington Generals. I can't just sit here watching this junk. (grunts) That's better. If you watch closely, you might recognise a young Ray Romano. ('Sweet Georgia Brown' playing) (whistle blowing) All right, Frankenstein. That's a three-second violation. No blame Frankenstein. Me made from corpses of Denver Nuggets. Now for the first of our 82 commercial breaks. Then, you can see more of my boo-oo-oobs! (evil laughter) It's nice to see a realistic single woman on TV. Hello, Springfield. Come to my 'Back-to-School Parking Lot Blow-Out.' School's starting, Bart. Aren't you excited? This year you learn about local history. We've got first-rate school supplies at Third World prices. At the Kwik-E-Mart, where we believe in America. Please... don't beat me up any more. Bad news. Ray Romano has sued to prevent the showing of the movie. Watch this commercial for Krustyburger while I appeal this temporary injunction. (music starts) # Like a rib # # It tastes like liberty # # Like a rib # # With a bun of sesame... # MAN: We start with authentic letter-graded meat, and process the hell out of it, till it's good enough for Krusty. Try my new Krusty Ribwich. Mmm... I don't mind the taste. Oh, a new hamburger sandwich. Wow, I can't wait to pack that into my colon. Dude, take it easy on the fatty foods. You're running out of leg veins to transplant into your heart. I got arm veins, don't I? Yes, sir. # School's back # # In session # # Let's begin our lesson... # This year, he gets it in the back. Willie, did you get the letter about your pay cut? Aye... there'll be many a cut this year. Indeed, there will. Budget-wise, of course. Nelson, how was your summer? Sucked. What'd you do? Space camp. At ease, Cadet Nelson. Good to be back on terra firma, eh? (children gasp) How about I launch my foot into your butt? I held your hand when you barfed in the simulator. Shut up! Commander. Welcome back, children. We've all had fascinating summers. I was the maitre d' at the Springfield Country Club. My dad says you were a busboy. You mean your dad the raging alcoholic? Uh, we better get down to business. As this is a non-leap year, we're already a day behind. Come on, man. Everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank. Well, if by wank you mean educational fun, then stand back, it's wanking time. Let's get the year rolling with an all-school spelling bee. Woo-hoo! (sighs) I guess I won't be popular this year either. Bart, your word is 'imply.' Imply ` I-M-P... Bart said 'I am pee.' He's made of pee. (all laugh) Well, I got my laugh. I'm out of here. I made Bart in my pants. We'll, we're down to our last two students. Milhouse, your word is 'choke.' Oh, I know this one. It's so easy. F-... Oh, man! Stop laughing. It will scar him for life. (laughs) It is kind of infectious. Lisa, 'impugn.' I-M-P... Hey, Lisa said she was... Shut up, pee! U-G-N. Impugn. That's right. Lisa Simpson, you're school champion. (all cheering) Wow, I better make the most of this. Free Tibet! There'll be time for that later. Now you can concentrate on representing our school at the state spelling finals. (all chanting): Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! And here's your prize for today, a scale model of the planet Mars. This is just a kickball with 'Mars' written on it. Behold the red planet. (all cheer) BOOBERELLA: Welcome to 'Matinee of Blood and Commercials.' It was so exciting. I actually got applause for being smart. Mars, eh? Hmm, I see no evidence of water. Well, this is very impressive, Lisa. I'm kicking this right on to the mantle. Well, I'm not done yet. Principal Skinner said if I win the state finals I can go to the Spellympics. I'm just happy you're excited about something besides saving the whales. Face it, they're doomed. Hey, hey, the Ribwich is back. (gasps): The Ribwich! The commercials have come to pass. Try the new Ribwich. It's so good you'll croak. You seem like an impartial observer. But I've been fooled by so many people in costumes. Try the sauce. I'm soaked in it. (slurping) Oh, I could lick you all day long. And yet my children think I'm a failure. One Ribwich, please. Mm-hmm. Mmm, now without lettuce. (chomps, bubbling) (grunts) (moaning) (chomps, bubbling) (maniacal laughter) (register rings) (maniacal laughter) (register rings) (slurps) (register rings) (thudding) (rapturous gurgling) (ecstatic shuddering) Sir, are you all right? I have eaten the ribs of God. Drool cleanup at register four. (ecstatic shuddering) 'Ameliorate.' Could you use it in a sentence? Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner. I wish he wouldn't use me in every example. A-M-E-L-I-O-R-A-T-E. Ameliorate. Correct. Lisa, you just won the state finals. (cheering and applause) (chanting): Diphthongs, cognates, Latin roots Lisa clobbers all you fruits! Oh, our little girl's got her own cheering section. Hey, who doesn't? Hey, who doesn't? You tell her, Big H. You're da man! Eh, you ain't so hot. Lisa, I'm so impressed you're state champ. Finally, a Simpson has a trophy without a bowling ball on it. Well, why don't we celebrate by going to a movie? It sounds like a magical family moment. I'm sorry I won't be there. Really? It won't be the same without you, Dad. Oh, sweetie, you're the most important thing to me in the world. Only very serious Daddy business can tear me from your side. Three Ribwiches, please. And instead of a shake, I'd like a blended Ribwich. I'm sorry, sir. The Ribwich was for a limited time only. Not again! First you took away my Philly Fudge Steak, and then my Bacon Balls, then my Whatcha-ma-chicken. (sobbing) You monster. I'd like a large fries, please, and a collector's cup. Dude. If you still want the Ribwich, they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule. Oh... This is amazing. I could follow the Ribwich from town to town. That's what we do. We're Ribheads. (rock music playing) Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live? Well, if you like the Ribwich, not very. D-ohh! Lisa, to honour Springfield Elementary's shining star, we are granting you a double-wide locker. Your books will actually fit in this one. Hey, my locker's gone. Your effects have been moved to Willie's shack. Come along, lad. And lose your books. They won't help you where you're going. In business news, 3M and M&M have merged to form ` get this ` Ultradyne Systems. And speaking of news stories, here's another: Springfield spelling phenom Lisa Simpson has qualified for spelling's answers to the Olympics, the Spellympics. In a related story, the Spellympics is being sued by the Olympics for use of the suffix 'lympics.' (groans) This has got to be the slowest news day ever. Aah, that's better. Paris is no more. The legendary City of Lights has been extinguished forever as a massive... OK, champ. 'I' before 'E,' except after 'C.' Except when pronounced like 'A,' as in neighbour and 'weigh.' Except when pronounced like 'A,' as in neighbour and 'weigh.' Really? Hmm. Well, what about in the sentence, 'Jim Nabors is way cool'? Well how often is that going to come up? It's on my apron. Yeah, I got work to do. Hey, looky. It's that young'un what sorts them squiggles into words. Can you spell scabies? S-C-A-B-I-E-S. Rubella, we got you a middle name. Ya ain't supposed to hold her like that. Spell AC-DC. A-C-D-C. Uh-uh. You forgot the lightning bolt. Relapse. R-E-L-A-P-S-E. # That's what beer has done to me # # Sock it to me, sock it to me, Sock it to me, sock it to me. # crowd: L-I-S-A! L-I-S-A! Thank you. I've never felt more accepted. Perhaps one day people who spell correctly will replace athletes at the top of our national pantheon. (crowd booing) (chuckles nervously) I was just K-I-D-D-I-N-G. (confused murmuring) ALL: Yay! Come on, dimples. Spell something else for us. I'm a little tired. Aah, come on. Hey, spell little-miss- she-thinks-she's-so-big. (moans): Very well. L-I-T-T-L-E M-I-S-S, S-H-E... I ain't got time for this. I got a bar to run. Welcome to the games of the 34th Spellympiad. I'm George Plimpton, founder of the Paris Review. I also played the evil dean in Boner Academy. You monster! Why did you expel Boogerman? He replaced my tennis racket with a rubber phallus. (laughing): That was awesome. And now, in the ancient spelling bee tradition, we shall release the bees. (fanfare) (buzzing) (frantic yelling) And now to exterminate the bees, the magnificent Blue Angels. (crowd oohing) (coughing) # I put a spell on you # (bell dings) It's so exciting. It's like living in a dictionary. # Because you're mine. # (laughing) He's an acerose. Really? He possesses the properties of a pine needle? (chuckles) Look, I didn't bring a GameBoy. This is all I got. A-N-T-H-R-A-X. (lisping): Am-thwax. (bell dinging) (crowd aahing) He's adorable. I'd sure like to tuck that in at night. Well, we're down to our three finalists. Lisa... (applause) Sun Moon... (applause) and Alex. (applauding loudly) (cheering) We will crown our champion tomorrow. Now, please enjoy our unlicensed knockoff of the Olympic anthem. (dramatic music playing) Congratulations, sweetie. You're in the finals. Well, I'm just happy you guys all came up here to Calgary with me. I'm sorry, honey. I can't be here tomorrow. It's the last day the Ribwich is in San Francisco. Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich? You don't understand. It's not just a sandwich. It's about brotherhood. It's about freedom. It's about three days since I've had one! (frantically): I'm getting the shakes. And I'm getting the fries. Don't worry, honey. You can win without him. I guess I'll have to. Then I'll be queen of the world (quietly) of spelling. That's right. Queen of the world (quietly) of spelling. Lisa, may I see you privately for a moment? This can only be good. Lisa, competitive spelling has fallen on hard times. Today's students would rather watch Ozzy Osbourne. 'Look at me, I'm a drug addict. Ho, ho, ho.' Some of us still enjoy scripted comedy, sir. Some of us still enjoy scripted comedy, sir. That's a good girl. But if spelling is to compete, it needs a charismatic champion. Someone like me, back when I was a white-haired little boy. Well, I haven't won yet... Nor shall you. What? The future of our very sport is at stake and we want the gold medal to go to him. Who? Alex? The boy that everybody loves? Yes, he's crowd-pleasing, and he's cute. Women in the audience toss their thick glasses at him. I'm not throwing a spelling bee. I'll die before I misspell! Be reasonable, Lisa. If you take a dive, we'll guarantee you a scholarship to the Seven Sisters college of your choice. Oh... free college? And a hot plate. It's perfect for soup. Or you work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. You might only drive short distances to work each day. You might not drive your car to work at all. You might park securely at work. Or these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. Or you work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we get that everyone's not the same, so we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. Call: Or go to youi.co.nz today. BOOBERELLA: Welcome to 'Matinee of Blood and Commercials.' 1 (muttering): Throw the bee and go to college. Throw the bee and go to college... (harp playing) We are the Seven Sisters, and you could attend any one of us. Like Barnard... Columbia's girl next door. Come to Radcliffe and meet Harvard men. Or come to Wellesley and marry them. (slurs): No, party with me. (glass breaks) Or non-conform with me. (gasps) Play lacrosse with me. Or explore with me. Mmm... No, I don't want to pay for college by throwing a spelling bee. ALL: Give in, Lisa. Get a free ride. And a hot plate. # Free ride, free ride, free ride # And a hot plate. (screams) (screams) What is it, sweetie? Mom, I'm having a crisis of conscience. Can you and Dad afford to send me to college? Oh, sure. I mean, not on your father's salary. But I could... give piano lessons. But you don't play the piano. I just got to stay one lesson ahead of the kid. Oh... well, I suppose I could just skip college and marry Milhouse. I know this is a fantasy, but I'll take it! (laughs) Nah, forget it. No! I'll never be this happy again! (sobbing) (bell clanging) (psychedelic rock playing) Hey, man. Can you turn me on? Hey, don't Borgnine my sandwich. (loud munching) (musical horn blows) Hey, hey! Hey, it's the guy from the drive-thru. Yeah, I'd like three Ribwiches, a diet Coke... Will you get out of my... Look, uh, about the Ribwich: there aren't going to be any more. The animal we made them from is now extinct. The pig? The cow? You're way off ` think smaller, think more legs. ALL: Eww... People, we went through something magical together. And it's not important who got rich off of whom or who was exposed to tainted what. And because you believed in my dream I want you to fight over the last Ribwich ever made. Here. (grunting) Welcome to the real world, hippies! Wow, what a long, strange product rollout it's been. Goodbye! (tires squeal) Hmm? (grumbling) (tires squeal) Man, you got the last Ribwich. I'll give you anything for it. Please, please? I'll get you four days and three nights at a Comfort Inn, anywhere in the lower 48 states. Blackout dates: December 19th through January 5th. (Italian accent): I give you the lease-a to my car. (gasps): Lisa! Is this what I've come to? Fighting over a stupid sandwich on my daughter's big day? Mister, I'll take that car. Hey, that's-a nice. (tires squeal) Ah! Mmm... (Italian accent): I have-a the buyer's remorse. (upbeat dance music plays) All right, your word is 'weather.' Which one? Can you use it in a sentence? Certainly. 'I don't know whether the weather will improve.' Oh... ooh. 'W'... uh... um... 'E'? (buzzer sounds) (feedback) Alex, your word is 'rigged,' as in, 'This contest is rigged.' R-I-G-G-E-D. 'Wigged.' Bravo, my pet. You shall be champion... assuming Lisa misspells this next word. The word is 'intransigence.' Could I please hear it in a sentence? Certainly. 'The little girl's intransigence cost her the college of her choice.' 'Intransigence.' 'I'... Daddy made it for your dance recital, honey! Dad, you do care! Damn right. You're #1 on my menu. Now, super-size it! With you here, I can't fail. Attention, everyone: I was asked to take a dive, but I won't do it! I-N-T-R-A-N-S-I-G-A-N-C-E! (buzzer) You fool! It's E-N-C-E! Oh my God, you're right. I spelled it wrong. I tried my best, and I failed. And now, you lose everything, and I go back to whatever it is I do. (sighs) Lisa, honey, you spelled the word wrong, but you did the right thing. Yeah. You're the number one speller in this car, or in that car, or in that car, or... don't look at that car. (sighs) My one chance for everyone to like me, and I blew it. Wha...? (marching band plays) Two cheers for Lisa. Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray! Hip, hip... ALL: Hooray! Now, deep breath, and quiet. You mean, you're all still proud of me? Lisa, with second place, you're the biggest winner this town has ever had. Before you, it was the woman who dated Charles Grodin. You have made me feel so wonderful. Thank you, Springfield. We've got another surprise for you. BART: Ay, caramba! (gasps) That's amazing! Thank you. (majestic theme plays) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016