D'oh! (SCREAMS) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Come on, come on. Let's get to the beach! Hold your horses. I was up all night fishing out the drawstring from your father's swimsuit. It came out again. (moans) Well, I'm all set. I'm going to be following the latest designs from Modern Sandcastle magazine. Well, I'm all set, too. (laughs maniacally) Then all that's left is to protect Maggie from the sun. (humming) (sniffs) I think she needs a diaper change. Well, it ain't happening today. Look, everybody, here they come! Once again we celebrate Springfield's most beloved event, for each year on the third Tuesday of May sweeps, we witness the return of the stinging red jellyfish. ('Born Free' theme music playing) (all cheer) What a sight. It happens every year like the swallows returning to Capistrano. Or the FOX Network getting a new president. I made a new friend. (groans) I'm going to Africa to see lions and giraffes and monkeys and Santa and gorillas and... Daddy, why is everyone so happy the jellyfish are back? Well, in the old days, people thought jellyfish venom had curative properties. Now we know it just makes things a whole lot worse. Like laser eye surgery? Like laser eye surgery? Exactly. (all laugh) # Jellyfish, along you came # # And right away I'm stung # # Sweet words, I long to whisper # # But you've paralysed my tongue... # Oh, what a magical evening. The moonlight, the music, the water... Enough talk. Dip me, my love. (groans) Lower, lower. (moans) Lower. Mmm, this is as romantic as the night I proposed. Maybe we can have this band play at our wedding. I was kind of hoping we could use this audio cassette. Seymour, we've got to have a band. Fine, but no cake. Sarah, you're as lovely as the day I first arrested you. Oh, Clancy. You know, I planted that crystal meth just to meet you. I was so shy. Well, Sea Captain, it looks like you and I are sailing solo tonight. Arrr you hitting on me? Cos I don't do that. On land. Well, I guess I might as well head back to my store. I got a date with some twins: my state and federal tax forms. Poor Ned. This is his first Jellyfish Festival alone. I know, and it doesn't get any easier from here. There's the Tongue-Kissing Festival, Cinco de Ocho, the Hobo Oscars. Days just made for lovers. Not widowers, lovers. 'Form of business?' (sighs) Sole Proprietorship. 'Owner's marital status?' Happily married to a dead woman. (door chimes) Excuse me, are you open? Mm-hmm! Open as a tomb on Easter. Now, what can I ding-dong-diddily do for ya? Boy, they don't make them like you in L.A. Oh, I should say not. I gave up on L.A. when those TV people made that poor nun fly. All those Puerto Ricans looking up her dress. That's not right. (chuckles) Do you have any left-handed eyelash curlers? Do I? No, I don't. But I can have them here by Tuesday. Well, for now I'll take a left-handed crimper. (gasps) Why, you are gorgeous. You don't know who I am, do you? I sure do. You're the most important person in the world, because you're my customer. (chuckles) Are you for real? I'm as real as the nose on your face. I'm as real as the nose on your face. Yeah. Real (!) (clanking) Well, it looks good, and it sounds pretty, too. Thanks. I'll see you later. I'm here for a while and I don't really know anyone. Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night? A woman asking a man out? Well... well, why not? And maybe I'll eat my steak with a spoon. Call me. I'm staying at the Springfield Four Seasons. Ask for 'Zelda Fitzgerald.' What the...? That's a pseu-diddily-eudonym. # Well, I've got a date with a girl with no name # # It sure feels good to be back in the game # # At dessert, maybe I can ask her her name # # Cos I can't pray for her without the right name. # (humming) (gasps) I've got a date with a movie star?! Sure you do. And I'm going apple picking with Scooby Doo. Toi, toi, toi, toi. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. g (snoring) (slurps, chokes) (coughs) (snores) FLANDERS: Psst, Homer? Flanders?! Can't a man just drink alone on a Wednesday morning? I need your advice. It's about a lady. Ooh, let me guess. Skinner's mother? She sure knows how to swing it. No, it's Sara Sloane. I have a date with her tonight. Sara Sloane?! The movie star? Yep. Why would that Twinkie want to go out with a ding dong like me? Flanders, I mix Twinkies and Ding Dongs all the time. In Europe, they call it a 'Dinkie.' Well, sir, that's very encouraging, but I can't date a movie star. I'm no Arthur Miller or Lyle Lovett. Now, wait just a minute. I used to worry Marge was too good for me. She was always thinking of ways to improve me. But then part of her died, and she doesn't try any more. So, we're all where we want to be. (slurping) (piano music playing) I'm sorry for the disguise, Ned. I just don't want to cause a commotion. Uh, excuse me, Miss Sloane. May I have an autograph? Uh, excuse me, Miss Sloane. May I have an autograph? Sure. Oh, man, this is going right on eBay. I mean my wall... which I will then sell on eBay. Sad to say, this isn't the worst I get. Oh, oh, can I just push this plaster cast on to one of your boobs? Okay, now you are the worst. Rod says 'Marco,' and darn it if Todd doesn't say 'Polo' right back. (gasping): Oh, listen to me, just running my gums about my kids. You're probably bored silly. No, it's a nice change from all the actors I usually date. All they want to talk about is their Botox, their Tae Bo, or their Xbox. Huh. Sara, there's something I've been dying to do all night, so let's just get it over with now and... hold hands. (chuckles) (sighs) Heaven's gate! I'm going to be tasting you on my moustache for a week! Want to try for a month? (sighing) 'Sara Sloane has been involved with every Tinseltown hunk from Affleck to Zmed.' Yeah, she's had more stars on her than Lisa's homework. Mmm-mmm-mmm! Now she's dating Mr Flanders. That's so romantic. Who the hell is Mr Flanders? Oh, Flanders! (rings) Y'ello. Yes, I'm Ned Flanders' close personal friend. That's right, hot and heavy. They've never been happier. Oh, yeah, she does look pregnant. Now, who might you be? A tabloid? Is that one of those really strong mints? Hello? Hello? # Jesus is the rock that rolls my blues away # # Shoobie-doobie, yeah, shoobie-doobie # You guys are jamming! (gasping): Daddy, she swore. (chuckles) You know, I grew up in a house like this. I didn't know there were people like you left in the world. Yep, we occupy that 'useless' mass of land between Los Angeles and New York called America. (doorbell rings) Ned, I'm not sure you should open the door. Oh, now, if someone took the time to press that little button, this is the least I can do. (shouting voices) Are you sleeping with Sara Sloane? Is that moustache real? Do you plan to kill Sara, like your last wife? (confused mumbling) It's the tabloids! Everybody run. Hey, come back. Pose, pose! Your carpeted floor feels good on my toes. Come on, let's concoct more lies. Zookeeper's Wife, scene 1-0-2, take one. DIRECTOR: Action! Kiss me, Diego. But your husband's animals are watching. Where do you think I learned to do this? (sighing) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This movie's turning into Sponge Bob No-Pants. (sighing): Cut! Sir, there's no reason Sara needs to do this scene in the altogether. Sam, he's got a point. Katharine Hepburn never showed her breasts. There's still time. I want a rewrite, with no nudity. All right, but you're going to have to kiss a woman. Deal. Ned, we won. Yep. Now all we got to do is turn that woman into a fella and that kiss into a game of Scrabble. You are so sweet to look out for me. The public may not see me naked, but you just might. Well, that's... uh... very interesting, uh... Easy, Ned. Think of the Bible. (harp arpeggios play) (serene music plays) (funk plays) (clears throat) Miss Sloane, I loved you in Sleeping With Pinocchio and Honey, I Scotchguarded the Kids. Thanks. I grew really close to the actress who played my daughter. I think she's in France or something. Hmm, and, Ned, I haven't seen you this happy in years. Mm-hmm. I haven't felt this good since we stole the 2000 election. Hey, don't blame me. I voted for the green M & M. (camera shutter clicking) (gasping): The paparazzi! I thought we fooled them with our Cher-crow. # Gypsies, tramps and thieves # # We'd hear it from the people of the town... # Are you aware that your daughter's gay? Why, those guys are such leeches. Moe, what are you doing here? Can't your old buddy, Moe, stop by with a list of questions from the Weekly World News? Number one. 'Sara, is it true you shoplifted a kayak?' I'll have you know, she pays full price for all her watercraft. Rainier Wolfcastle?! My ex-boyfriend. Sara, Liebchen, take me back. If tears could burst through my muscular ducts, I would cry like a baby who was just hit by a hammer. Rainier... you're too jealous. You beat up Jon Lovitz just because he presented me an award. Oh, come on! No one misses a handshake that badly. Sorry, I found someone nice who doesn't talk like a freak. Exact-a-tically-tacally. My libido has been terminated. Ned, I've never met a man like you. You're sensitive, you're in great shape, you have a moustache and yet you're not gay. Oh, no way. I won't even eat vegetables over two inches long. So, anyway, uh... hmm, your movie's wrapping up soon. I guess you'll be heading out on the first bus to the airport. If you ride with a friend, you can save 20 bucks. Ned, I know this is fast, but when I go back to Hollywood, I want you to come with me. Ned Flanders in Tinseltown? ('Hooray for Hollywood' plays) (suspenseful music plays) Ned, I'm James L. Brooks. Oh, can I call you Jim? 'James L. Brooks' is good. How about some sponge cake? Well, I can't see the harm. With a brandy glaze. (snickers) No! Or perhaps you'd like to go to a football game. Well... We don't have a team. We don't have a team. No! Hey, Daddy baby, we're movie producers now. And we're Jewish. Yay! (yells) Sara, I'm sorry, but I can't move to Hollywood. Heck, even Dollywood's too far out for me. Too many people appreciating it ironically. Well, then I'm staying in Springfield with you... for good. (gasping) Well, forgive my language, but I'm one happy camper. I was up all night fishing out the drawstring from your father's swimsuit. 1 (tyres screech) Dude, what's it like kissing a movie star? What's it like kissing a woman? (tyres screech) (siren wailing) What seems to be the problem, officer? The problem is I can't seem to get an agent. Could you give your girlfriend my head shot? That's me as a greaser, Emperor of China, Eleanor Roosevelt ` very regal ` and just plain me with an eye patch. I'll give it to my agent. (tyres screech) I don't do TV! Sure is nice to be shopping for a woman again. The last thing I bought for a lady was a casket. Sir, would you ask your sweetheart to sign her autograph for me? Well, of course... Wait a minute. This is to adopt two of your kids. Oh, so it is. I've already dumped three on Mia Farrow. Sucker. Look, it's celebrity boy toy Ned Flanders and his arm candy, Sara Sloane. Miss Sloane, how are you handling the change from La-La Land to Blah-Blah Land? Lisa, Springfield isn't a cultural wasteland. Part of Stroker Ace was filmed at our airport. And, um... Oh, there's our Ladies Book Club. Sarah, you're more than welcome to come. Oh, I'd love to. Another scoop: Sara Sloane to attend girl-on-girl book club. Oh, Moe, you lovable loser. You just made yourself $5. Hoo-hoo! Today's book is Bridget Jones' Diary. Now let's go around the room and analyse why we didn't read it. Cramps. All my friends are dead. Well, then I guess it's time for margaritas. Well, I wish someone had read the book since I did invite the author, Helen Fielding. Oh, never mind. As long as they all bought the book, I'll still get the money. Besides, most Americans can't understand the sophisticated subtlety of British humour. I bid you good day. (Benny Hill theme playing) Hop to it, Honey. If we get to the Pops concert early we can give up our seats to some old people. Daddy, where do babies come from? Sweetie, that's not the kind of dress you wear outdoors. Or indoors. Or in a dirty dream. Oh, loosen up, honey. This dress just creates the illusion of nudity. Well, Siegfried and Roy create a lot of illusions but I doubt their girlfriends dress like that. (Itchy and Scratchy theme music playing) She should be ashamed. That's disgusting. Don't look, Seymour. I'm a veteran, Mother. A veteran bed-wetter. Mother! Sarah, I hate to say it, but your top's upstaging the Pops. Fine, I'll wear your stupid jacket. (crunching) (moans lustfully) (gasps) Oh! (moans) Oh! (moans) Oh! (moans) Sarah, I love you, but I get the feeling you're just not a Ned-head tonight. Is something wrong? Actually, there is something. The time we've spent together has been wonderful, but I want sex with you. Well, that's a mighty big kettle of... (sniffs) (sighs) ...premarital doodly. I knew you'd say that. I need a glass of wine. Oh! (moans) This is quite a dil-diddly-lemma. Better talk this over with the big man. Homer, Sarah wants us to have S-E-X. Stupid Flanders. I'm not giving you any of my secret moves. Well, I'm not sure I want to do it. I mean, who'll buy the cow when you get the milk for free? You know, the cow being me. Look, Flanders, I'm always interested in talking about free milk and if there's cookies involved, so much the better. Hmm. Ned, look, I know I said I wanted this but I don't want you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. Well, I consulted my Bible and found some verses supporting what you want to do and a lot of verses against it. (wind blowing) What does that one say, Ned? It says a man should make restitution if he eats his neighbour's grain. And that's good enough for me. (both moaning) (sighs) Wow! Wow. That made me completely forget about Bob Balaban. That's what Maude used to say. A girl could get used to that. And you will... right after the wedding. You want to get married? Mm-hmm, that's right. I'm like Baskin-Robbins. You get one free taste, then you got to buy the scoop. Ned, I love you, but I'm not ready to be tied down. I love you, too, and I always will but unlike the Bible, I guess this isn't going to have a happy ending. I'm sorry. Oh, darn the luck. That sounds like the Lupus Fun Run. Ha-ha! Fight Lupus! Screen siren Sara Sloane shocked Tinseltown last night with a midnight marriage to Gosford Park mega-hunk Bob Balaban. (gasps) This was followed three hours later by a quickie divorce. I bet we would have lasted twice that long. Poor Ned. Gardening away his misery. His answer's not at the bottom of a hedge. (tyres screech) Hey, Hollywood. Call me. My number's on the bench. You know, it's the darnedest thing. Women love you when you've dated a movie star. I'm very happy for you, Ned. Me, too. (Benny Hill theme) Oh-oh. Here comes Helen Fielding. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016