LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC Hello, folks at home. (Chortles) Here I am 100 yards from the top of Mount Everest. Yet there's a part of me that can't wait to end this silly vacation and get back to work, where the real challenges await! (Chortles) Shouldn't you take your age into consideration, sir? After all, you're 82 years old. Am I 82? These numbers mean nothing to me. My journey through life has just begun! MAN: Sir! Sir! Oota tells me the storm's getting worse. Very, very bad! We must abandon our ascent and proceed down the mountain immediately! We're close to the top, Mr Puffy Jacket Man! I'm heading down now, sir. I advise you to do the same. Alright, so be it. See you at the staff meeting on Monday! And I'll bring the Krispy Kremes! TENSE MUSIC (Chortles) WIND HOWLS Oh! (Grunts then chortles) NEWSREADER: Once again, the sad footage we've been watching all day. A beloved visionary who turned a single radio station into a global media empire - Preston Blake dead at 82. More after this. You're watching the Blake Broadcasting Network. The stock of Blake Media, the parent company of this network, plunged this morning on the news of Blake's death but bounced back after a statement by Blake's long-time number two, Chuck Cedar. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't save Preston Blake from becoming a human popsicle. And sources indicate that Blake, who is single and had no children, did not leave a will. So who inherits Blake's 49% stake in the company's stock, valued at $40 billion? We'll discuss that with people close to Preston Blake, including his long-time barber, on tomorrow's Inside Access. Until then, I'm Mac McGrath. Are we clear? MAN: Clear! Babe. Where's Babe?! I'm gonna come over there and choke you to death! I gotta go. Freaking barber. That's the best you could get, huh? People tell everything to their barbers, Mac! He's been his closest confidant for more than 20 years. I'm not putting this guy on the air. You get me something better and quick or it's your arse. DRAMATIC MUSIC Did we find this heir yet? We should be getting that information via fax any minute now. I have lawyers looking through birth records in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and Guam. In fact, we have a little pool going. Guam's paying off at a thousand to one. (Chuckles) Is this a joke to you? (Stops chuckling) Some genetic lottery winner now controls the fate of this company. No, no. I agree it's troubling. Troubling? Your beard is troubling. Your pipe is troubling. Your yellow teeth are really troubling. But if I lose control of this company, it will be catastrophic. PHONE RINGS, FAX MACHINE WHIRRS Does anyone know a Dr Mendelsohn? Congratulations. You have a spastic colon. That would explain a lot. PHONE RINGS DRAMATIC MUSIC FAX MACHINE WHIRRS (Reads) "Longfellow Deeds." HARMONICA PLAYS Chuck, I think we're there. My God. It's all green. (Sheep bleat) (Cows moo) Wow. Look at that thing. Fighter pilot, on your left! (Makes machine-gun noises) Got him. I got that sucker. You guys lost? We're looking for somebody. Longfellow Deeds. Wow. Is that Deeds's first name? If the Deeds you're referring to is Longfellow Deeds, then, yes, that is Deeds's first name. I don't know Deeds's first name. Maybe it's Greg. Maybe it's Longfellow. Maybe. But I don't know. I know another Greg. You want me to call him? No! Thank you. Please. Just tell us where Deeds lives. Alright, don't get all hyperactive on me, buddy. I'll take you straight to him. UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC TYRES SCREECH MURPH: Step right in, fellas. He lives in a pizzeria? You can't live in a pizzeria. He lives upstairs. He owns it. Excuse me. Is Mr Deeds around? No, I'm sorry. He's out making deliveries. The regular delivery guy called in sick. But you don't look too sick, Murph. Oh! I forgot I was faking sick today. You two tricked me into coming here. Murph, put on an apron and give me a hand! You guys played me like a fiddle. Touche! Um...is Mrs Deeds around? Mrs Deeds? I don't think that poor boy ever had a date. Do you know when he'll be back? He'll be back before lunch is out. Today's card day. Card day? Deeds writes greeting cards. Every Monday, he writes a few and then he chooses one and sends it to one of the big card companies. Now, he hasn't sold any yet but he will. Do you guys need anything else here? (Reads) "To my sweetheart, "I love you completely with all my soul "Without you, I'm nothing, a butterless roll." (Chuckles) (Both chuckle) Do you like that, gentlemen? Hallmark said it showed some potential, which is pretty cool. Longfellow Deeds? Just call me Deeds, pal. Easy with that Longfellow stuff. Chuck Cedar, CEO, Cecil Anderson, general counsel, of Blake Media. Hey, handshakes are for strangers. We hug around here, buddy. What's up? Welcome to town. Come on. Don't be shy. I like that beard. Abe Lincoln style. Have a seat, boys. Murph! Yeah, Deeds? I thought you were sick. That was a lie. You fooled me. I did? Oh, yeah. Mr Deeds. Oh, just Deeds. You sounded so sick on the phone. You're good. Do that sick voice again. Deeds, I can't come to work today. I think I've got strep throat. (Coughs loudly) That's unbelievable. You could be a radio actor or something. Oh, thanks, buddy. (Chuckles) Sure. Hey, Deeds! Read the card already. I've gotta get back on duty! ALL: Yeah! OK. I better get up there. Good meeting you, gentlemen. Mr Deeds. Does the name Preston Blake mean anything to you? Well, Mom's maiden name was Blake. I've only got one this week but I got a feeling it'll end my losing streak with Hallmark. (All cheer) Deeds! Preston Blake was your mother's uncle. You're kidding. I've got an uncle? Awesome. How's he doing? He's dead. Oh, no. Well, if there's anything I can do... Deeds! Deeds! (All chant) Deeds! Deeds! Deeds! I'll be right with you guys. When Mr Blake died, he left an enormous fortune - $40 billion. He left it all to you, Deeds. Wait a minute. What are you talking about, getting back on duty? You're not a cop. Yeah. You're right. I got this down the costume shop. But it can't hurt to pretend. What a wisenheimer. OK, everybody. It's show time! I call this '50th Anniversary Card', which is quite a feat nowadays. (Reads) "50 years have passed by with laughter and tears "Do you remember when we went to the zoo "and that time we drank all the beers?" (Laughs) Beers. Oh, yeah. MAN: Whoo-hoo! "I promise to love you for 50 years more "Even when your bosoms sag down to the floor." (All laugh and applaud) MURPH: Oh, yeah. That was awesome! How does he do it? Looks like you won't have to be delivering pizzas, Deeds. Now you're a very rich man. What's that got to do with delivering pizzas? Ladies! Top one's yours. Oh, thank you, Deeds. Of course. Yummy! Yummy! So, Deeds. What's new? I found out I have an uncle but he died. Oh, that's too bad. He gave me $40 billion, though. Well, that's nice. Oh, yeah. Don't you go and spend it all on some fancy record player. I won't. Who are your friends, Deeds? I'm sorry. Chuck, Cecil, this is Jane, Kitty and Sue. Pleasure to meet you, Cecil. Pleasure's all mine, Kitty. Or should I just say, "Miaow"? (Women snicker) Keep it in your pants, Cecil. Mmm. Now, why am I inheriting this money? You're Mr Blake's closest living relative. Really? He had nobody else? Nope. That's it. Gosh. I've never even met the guy. Can you hold this for a second? Mr Wetherley! How are you doing, pal? Very well, Deeds. Just going to the pharmacy. Let me get you there a little quicker. (Grunts) How's your wife? She's fine. Terrific. Say hi for me. I will. OK. Here you go. Thanks for the lift, Deeds! Oh, you got it. We need you to come back to New York with us for a few days. We'll need you to sign some papers. What kind of papers? You see, technically, you've inherited 300 million shares for Blake Media Inc. Chuck and I, along with some of the partners, are going to buy that stock for $40 billion, which, of course, we've had to borrow from various... Who cares about the financial mumbo jumbo? We just need to dot the 'T's and cross the 'I's. Meantime, we need you to stay away from the press. The media frenzy will die down in a couple of weeks but until then... You don't want reporters crawling all over this lovely town, eh? Oh, no. Crazy Eyes. Huh? (Grunts) Hey, Deeds. How are you doing, pal? I got your pizza, just the way you like it. Oh, yes. French fries and Oreos. You know me all too well, Deeds. What are you in for? I'm doing a one-nighter for biting the mailman. The guy was trying to cast a spell on me, like a wizard or something. Are you sure about that? I don't know. Maybe he was just waving. Hey, who are your friends? This is Chuck and Cecil. They're from New York. I don't like 'em. OK. Nice seeing you. I've never been to New York. I could check out the sights. Give me an hour to pack, OK? You got it. I'll be the first guy to leave here since Jimmy McNally went to Disney World. BAND PLAYS 'FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW' Tomorrow's Kids Eat for Free Day. Don't forget to clean the highchairs. Don't worry, Deedsy. I'll take care of everything. You go. You have a good time. I'll miss you. 'Bye, Jan. Smell you later, Murph. Hey, Deeds! Give us a card! Yeah! On my way to the big city for a business trip Never ever left Mandrake Falls before Ain't that a pip? (All laugh) But while I'm gone, I know I'll miss you all a lot. So bring your rich butt back here and buy us all a shot! (Laughs) You got it, pal. BAND PLAYS, PEOPLE CHEER (Chicken cackles) Take it easy. Zovirax fights cold sores and cuts healing time by half compared with no treatment. So you can too. UPBEAT MUSIC The biggest story of the year and we've got nothing?! Do you people want to be tabloid journalists? Because I don't think so. You've got to be ruthless. When I started out, I slept in Tom and Roseanne's dumpster for two days disguised as a giant carton of ice-cream. I got it! My source at Blake says the company helicopter took off this afternoon with two male passengers aboard headed for Mandrake Falls. Where? Some hick-ass town in New Hampshire. But now they're on their way back with three male passengers. That's one more. Duh! That third guy's our heir. Nice work, Marty. They're supposed to arrive at Blake Media at 5:00 but they made an unscheduled stop in Connecticut. DEEDS: I'm so happy I got the Big Bacon Classic. Thanks for stopping. This is unbelievable. PILOT: Happy to do it, Deeds. How's that frosty treating you? Mm-hm? Mmm. You've got some on your beard. Hmm? I'm just kidding ya. I got him big time. I'm going on the air in two hours time. And I want that guy's life story by then. I'm talking to you, Jim! And also you, Babe. Babe? Where the hell's Babe?! You missed another staff meeting. Mac's pissed. Well, he won't be pissed when I crack this Blake story. What have you got? Nothin'. Do you have anything? I'll have a lot more in a few hours. Marty, you've gotta be a pal. I need this story. I'm broke and Mac will fire me. How are you broke? You make more money than anyone here. What did you blow it on? Shoes. I'll tell you everything I know over lunch tomorrow as long as your club promoter boyfriend doesn't try to run me over with his motorcycle again. You're safe. Ken and I are kind of, you know... We're taking a break. Really? So he moved out? Babe! What are staying here for? I have a spare bedroom. We tried that once, remember? I woke up and you were standing over my bed breathing heavily. I was having an asthma attack. I couldn't find my puffer. HELICOPTER WHIRRS Whoa! Easy, fellas! Oh, the biggie fries are making a comeback. You guys football fans? I think the Pats could take the Conference this year. The Dolphins are overrated and the Jets are choke artists. I wouldn't say that, Mr Deeds. Just Deeds. Why is that, though? You own the Jets, Deeds. I do? Whoa! That sucks. I hope they don't play the Pats in the play-offs or I'll have to kill myself. (Laughs) I'm still very worried about this. What have you got in that pipe? Hashish? You're paranoid. This guy is perfect for us. What if he won't sell us his shares? I got Preston Blake to trust me. I can get him to do the same. I mean, look at him. (Sings) # This is Major Tom to ground control # I'm stepping through the door # And I'm floating in a most peculiar way! (All sing) # And the stars look very different today! (Sings in falsetto) # For here am I sitting in a tin can... # That's right, Anderson. # Far above the world (Anderson and Deeds sing) # Planet Earth is blue # And there's nothing I can do... # ACOUSTIC GUITAR (Shouts) Enough! Hmm. Party pooper. EXCITING MUSIC Holy cow! What's up, New York? It's an honour to come to the greatest city in the world! (Laughs) Congratulations, Deeds. You're now the most eligible bachelor in New York. I don't want to meet a girl just 'cause I'm wicked rich. Well, that's nice. Let's see how you stick to your guns once you've visited one of our fine gentlemen's clubs. What? My father saved my mother. She was figure skating and fell through the ice. Always thought I'd meet a girl in the same way, some bullspit like that. Well, I'll keep a lookout for ladies in distress, as it were. That'd be nice. Hey, Mandrake Falls! Security! Stop that guy! Yeow! SECURITY MAN: Stop! Stop! He'll get $100,000 for that picture and it'll be all over the news soon. He deserves it with those James Bond moves he just pulled. He deserves to get his throat cut. The filthy spy! (Whimpers) (Gasps) Thanks. So this is where my uncle lived? Yes, sir. For the last 35 years of his astonishing life. Boy, you snuck up on me there. I am very, very sneaky, sir. I see that. My name is Deeds. I am Emilio, sir. I am your servant. Servant? I don't want a servant. But you want to be my friend? I'll take that. Friends. Yes. Good friends. Would you like to go down to your apartment, sir? I'm sure it's been an exhausting day. That OK with you, Chuck? You'll be safe there. It'll take us a couple of days to draw the papers up for signing. Make yourself at home. Terrific. DING! Later. I'll be with you shortly. You got it. Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Deeds. I'm Reuben, sir. This is a wicked nice elevator! Keep an eye on him, Emilio, or it's your ass. It's nice to see you too, sir. So how's the elevator business treating you, Reuben? Oh, it has its ups and downs. Alright, alright. (Laughs) How did you get down here so fast? Sneaky, sneaky, sir. Right this way. Wow. (Voice echoes) Wow! (Voice echoes) Is something the matter, sir? Zzz! (Voice echoes) That's an echo, sir. Yeah. You try it. Me, sir? It's a lot of fun. Whoo. (Voice echoes) Come on, you can do it louder than that. Whoo! (Voice echoes) Whoa, ho, ho, ho. Serious. Thank you, sir. Hey, buddy. How are you? You want to give it a shot? Boob! (Voice echoes) Nice. You guys want to join us? Make a weird noise. (All shout and scream) That was a great time. I'm kinda tired. I'd like to go to sleep. This way, Mr Deeds. Thank you. Goodnight, everyone. ALL: Goodnight, Mr Deeds! Yeah? Hmm? Are you just gonna lie there, let the 'Post' take this story? SONG: # When you're on a holiday # You can't find the words to say # All the things that come to you.... # What's up, New York? # And I want to feel it too # On an island in the sun # We'll be playing and having fun... # He had a water fountain in his room. I love it. That's Hawaiian punch. He adored... (Deeds chokes) ..Hawaiian punch. Wow! You kind of just snuck up on me there, man. I fear you're underestimating the sneakiness, sir. Yeah, I guess I was. What are you doing down there? I'm assisting you with your sock change. You're gonna change my socks for me? You don't gotta do that. Stand up. Thank you, sir. Besides, you don't want to touch my right foot. I got wicked bad frostbite when I was in the Scouts. Check it out. Hmm. Pretty messed up, huh? The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever. Oh, yeah, I've heard that before. The weird thing is I've got no feeling left in it. So you could like jump on it and it wouldn't hurt me. Go, jump on it. I would really rather not, sir. Oh, please. Please jump on my foot. (Shrieks) CRUNCH! Yeah, I didn't feel that. What else have you got? Get that fireplace poker right there and whack my foot. Do I absolutely have to? It's gonna be fun. Just grab it. All my friends do this when they're wasted. Come on. Go ahead. Give it a whack. THUMP! Nothing. Really? Isn't that sick? THUMP! I didn't feel that. Isn't that awesome? Nothing. THUMP! Yeah! I know you're starting to like it, aren't you? Chop that wood! Yeah. That's it. CRUNCH! Arggh! You're sick! You're sick! Why would you do that to me?! I'm just kidding you, pal. You...you had me going there. I saw your face. You were like... (Chuckles) Anyway, I've gotta talk to Cedar and Anderson. Find out what I'm doing today. Could you take that out? I'm nailed to the ground. (Grunts) There you go. I must insist on absolute secrecy regarding this discussion until I have officially acquired Mr Blake's shares. If that's acceptable to you, then, as far as I'm concerned, you've just bought 2,000 radio stations. Mornin'! Deeds! What's up? Doing a little business. Whoo-hoo! (Voice echoes) This room's an echo room too. I'm sure you guys already knew that. May I help you? Just seeing if there's anything I should be doin' today. Well, I think we've got everything under control. Well, there's gotta be something, I mean, until I sign those papers I kinda own this place, right? (Chuckles) What? Messieurs, Mesdames, excusez-moi moment, s'il vous plait. Anderson. What's up, buddy? I was dreaming about Frosties all last night. You? I tried to make my own at home but it just wasn't the same. Deeds...you know, every stockholder, large and small, has a say in the operation of this company, and they have their say at the annual stockholders meeting. The other 364 days of the year, the officers of the company, like me, run the show. You mean now that my uncle's gone? Yeah. And it's not all fun and games. This company's a player on so many levels and in so many areas that running it is literally a 24-hour-a-day job. I mean, I only got three hours of sleep last night. Then it's actually a 21-hour-a-day job, huh? MAN: Move it, lady! I don't give a damn about no meeting! Mr Cedar, I'm so sorry! Hey, I paced for 3,500 yards last season, and I ain't gonna touch a football until you get off your fat, rich asses and renegotiate my bullshit contract! Whoa, easy with the language, buddy. There are ladies present. Shut the hell up...rich boy! I want more money or y'all can just suck my... Ooh! I warned you. You went down like a sack of potatoes, I'll tell you that much. Come on. Come on, big man. Ups-a-daisy. Mesdames et Messieurs...football! ALL: Ah! What's the problem with your contract? I figured if I played well, I'd renegotiate and get more money. If you didn't play well, could we renegotiate and pay you less? Shit, no! I mean...no. Doesn't seem fair to me. Deeds...Kevin led the league in touchdown passes. It's OK, Chuck, I got this one. Listen, fellas...I want more money. I ain't even gonna play another down. We're gonna have to let you go, then. Let ME go?! Yeah. You're fired. So can I sign with another team? You can do anything you want, but I suggest you change your attitude or nobody's gonna want to work with you. 'Bye. Deeds...Kevin won the Heisman Trophy two years ago. He is our best player! Don't worry about it. He'll be back. Biggest mistake of your lives! This thing's cool. Hey...why don't you get out and enjoy the city? Everything's fine here. Take that with you! No, I'll leave it here. That's alright. Call me if you need me, alright? Absolutely. Thanks. Love you, Anderson. Oh, all you guys... I noticed you were French. The opposite of 'bonjour' to you. Whoo-hoo! (Echoes) * MAN: You look so hot as a blonde! It's not streaky? I feel like he did it really streaky. No, I love it. But let me go undercover. This could get dangerous. No! He likes ladies in distress, not men who wear too much cologne. Oh! There he is. DEEDS: Thanks for the tour, Tommy. You're welcome. Hidden camera's on, ready to go. Molest me. Do it! Marty, molest me! You got it! Oh, God! Help! Help, I'm being mugged! (Screams) HELP! HELP, I'M BEING MUGGED! Stop it. Good luck. See you at the office. Don't worry. I'll get him. Oh, shit! Stop! Stop right there! Ah! Ah! Ah! Arggh! Ooh! Come on! Arggh! Ahh! Ow! What's your problem, pal? Come up here. Got your pocket book! Get a job, pal. Ohh... Miss...Miss... ..are you OK? What...what happened? Let me help you up. It's alright now. Alright... Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear. I got this back for you, though. Thank you! Can I take you to the hospital? No, no. I'll be alright. I just feel a little dizzy... and violated. I'm fine. (Gasps) Whoa, whoa, whoa...please, let me take you to the emergency room. Oh, I'm sure I'll be alright. I just need to... perhaps walk it off or... Could you? Sure, sure. Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. My name's Pam. Pam Dawson. My name's Deeds. I'm not from here, I'm just visiting. Oh...where do you hail from, Deeds? Mandrake Falls, New Hampshire. Just a little town nobody's ever heard of. I'm from a little town like that. In Iowa. Is that right? What part? Winchester...ton...field...ville. Yes, the small town of Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa. (Groans) (Mouths words) So what are you doing in New York? I'm a school nurse. There's no way you're a school nurse! Why? Don't you believe me? You're too nice to be a school nurse. My school nurse was so mean, every time I'd tell her I had a tummy ache, she'd send me back to my class and say, "Stop whining." Oh, that's awful! Well, I said it every day. (Both laugh) I missed my mother. Oh, that's sweet. Miss Dawson? Mm-hm? How would you like to maybe go out and have a New York City dinner with me? Golly, well... ..that sounds wonderful! It does? Yeah. Let's do it, then. OK. Damn you, Old Spice! (Coughs) So, you run this pizza place, and you have your poetry... ..what brings you to the big city? Actually, I just inherited $40 billion. Well, that's nice. I think anything over $30 billion's just gravy. (Both laugh) I like that. Your hair is very blonde and pretty. Oh, I...I'm... I'm of Swedish ancestry. Really? Yes. My grandfather was in Abba. Abba...the band? Excuse me...do you get any famous people in here? Famous, rich, powerful... Really? Oh, we don't get any famous people in Mandrake Falls. Stephen King stopped by our gas station one time but everybody was too scared to talk to him. I'd imagine he'd be very spooky. Jake, the gas station attendant, made eye contact with him. That night he lost 200 pounds. Wow. Anyway...your chicken parmigiana should be ready soon. OK, buddy. Hey! I saw a couple over there - it's their anniversary. Give 'em this. Don't say it's from us, though. This is, like, $20,000. Tell 'em it was like a restaurant giveaway or something. Thanks, buddy. That's an awfully nice way to start spending your money. Is that who I think it is? Who? Preston Blake's nephew. The $40 billion man. We have to meet him. Dave! Gosh, I hope that mugger got home OK. Mr Deeds? Yeah? Mr Simons would like to invite you to join his party. Why is that? Just to...enjoy the pleasure of your company. Wow! That's pretty cool of him. FUNK MUSIC PLAYS Well, that was a very nice hug, Deeds. Wicked nice of you guys to invite us over here. This is awesome! Have we met? Not unless you have a sick kid. You're a very important man in this town now, Mr Deeds. I don't know about that... I sing at the Metropolitan Opera, and Blake Media contributes 50% of our budget. So, on behalf of the opera... (Sings) # Thank you! # Oh, that was awesome! You shouldn't be thanking me, though. You should be thanking my great uncle. He was a pretty interesting man. I served on the board of the Guggenheim with him. Really? I'm not sure what that is but good luck with it. I'd love to write a piece on you for 'The New Yorker'. What's 'The New Yorker'? It's a magazine. Uh-huh. With essays, witty cartoons... I read the 'Mandrake Falls Gazette' and they got some cartoons in there also. You know who's a riot? That Beetle Bailey guy. He's always wearing his hat, doing his thing... But it's an honour to meet a real writer like yourself, George. I been trying to get my stuff published for years, but Hallmark is one tough cookie to crack. Hallmark?! He writes greeting cards. I try! You must share one with us! Oh, I dunno about that, Mr French. Who's Mr French? Doesn't he look like Mr French?! I've never heard of him. Come on. Alright, I'll give you one. This is a Mother's Day card I've been working on. Mom, you are the one who brought me to planet Earth You are the one who suffered through my 14-hour birth You are the one who made lemonade for me after I'd come back from play I love you, Mom, so have a wicked nice Mother's Day. Something like that. An instant classic! (Sings) # Genius! Genius! Genius! # Do you write your poems with a crayon, Deeds? (All laugh) MAN: Oh, it's amazing! I see why you brought me here. To goof on me, huh? Oh, don't be silly, Deeds! Pipe down, George. I may seem funny to you but if you came to Mandrake Falls you might seem funny to us. Only nobody would laugh at you and make you feel stupid 'cause that wouldn't be good manners. Maybe my poems aren't great, but I know some people who like 'em. Anyways, it's the best I can do. OK, we're gonna get goin'. Sorry about that, Pam. I hope I didn't embarrass you. (All laugh uproariously) And if it wasn't for Miss Dawson being here, I'd probably knock your heads in. I don't mind! OK. (Sings operatic note) I think... ..I just shat myself. Would you like to go see the sights, Miss Dawson? Oh, yes! I just need to powder my nose. That'd be great. I'll get your coat. OK. OK. Oh, hey, buddy. This'll pay for everything I damaged. Sorry. Good to meet you. Thank you. Oh, God, that was good stuff. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I want a raise, Mac. Yes...yes... Hey, man! What's up? Holy cannoli! You're John McEnroe! I saw what you did to those guys making fun of you. Nice work. You know what it's like to get riled, don't you? That I do. I'm Deeds, by the way. Deeds. Nice to meet you. You gotta let me buy you a drink. Miss Dawson, this is John McEnroe. Hello! Miss Dawson. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. Kinda promised Miss Dawson I'd take her out sightseeing. The sights are great. I've seen the sights, love the sights. Let me show you the New York most people will never see. Uh-oh. OK with you, Miss Dawson? Sounds like fun! Here's to a big night on the town. (Deeds groans) (Continues groaning) What happened? Here are some aspirins, Mr Deeds. They make your head seem smaller. Oh, yeah, yeah... How did I get in these pyjamas? I changed you. I was...very gentle, sir. I think I drank all the alcohol in Manhattan last night. And you nearly succeeded according to Miss Dawson. Miss Dawson! I don't even remember taking her home. Is she OK? I took the liberty of sending her off in the company limousine. She was a lady in distress and I helped her. I dreamt about her last night. Usually, when you get black-out drunk, you don't dream. So I read. DRAMATIC MUSIC What's up, Chuck? (Sniggers) America's newest billionaire... (Laughs moronically) ..stupid and drunk. What's this?! It was quite a night for Longfellow Deeds. Oh, no. They're gonna know my name's Longfellow. ..after punching out some society types... ..Deeds joined forces with the original bad boy of tennis, John McEnroe, and stupidity won in straight sets. (Both laugh drunkenly) TYRES SQUEAL Oh, yeah! How'd they get that footage? TYRES SQUEAL Watch out, Johnny! Arggh! What kind of driving is that?! You're a f---ing disgrace! No, sir - YOU'RE a disgrace. Come here, man! Johnny McEnroe! Look at Deedsy hangin' out with McEnroe! That's awesome! (Cackles) I love the Beach Boys. Here I go...here I go... This is not the kind of attention we need right now. What do you mean? For the moment, you are the largest stockholder. And people might think any instability you show may equal instability in the company. My bad. My bad. My bad. OK, OK... My bad. OK! Shall I call your car, Mr Cedar, to take you to the funeral? What funeral? Your great uncle's funeral. His funeral is today? Today, yes. I'll go get my suit on. Cute, bigmouth. Sir? Soon as that moron goes back to Cow Pie Falls, you're outta here on your fat Puerto Rican ass! I hail from Spain, sir. FLAMENCO MUSIC Ole. MARACAS CLICK VOICEOVER: You brush your teeth twice a day, right? Mm-hm. But 80% of bacteria aren't even on teeth. (RECORD SCRATCHES) 80%?! Colgate Total fights bacteria on teeth, tongue, cheeks and gums, protecting 100% of your mouth's surfaces. Colgate Total - for whole mouth health. * PREACHER: Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above, because he lived a life of love. Yes, he's flying way up high, because he was a super-cool guy. He's gone away too soon, it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams. This guy could make a fortune writing greeting cards. Yes, we remember Preston Blake, a man with faith no man could shake. A strength no man could break. A character no man could fake. For goodness sake, let's eat some cake. ALL: Amen! DEEDS: Amen! Excuse me, Reverend... ..that was a grand slam. The part with "soaring with the eagles" gave me goosebumps. Oh, thank you, my brother. My friend got me a mug for my birthday. It says, "It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys." But what you said was better. It's all good. PRIEST: Rest in peace, Preston. That concludes today's service... Oh-oh, ah-ah! I actually...I thought I would say something. Deedsy was always the best speaker in school. Deedsy?! That was some job, by the way, your Majesty. I thought we were watching 'Scooby Doo'. Hi. My name is Deeds. I was Preston Blake's great nephew. I wrote a poem for him on my way over here, in my head. And I'm gonna recite it for ya. I didn't realise I'd be following the rhyme master, Reverend Sharpton. But here we go, anyways. You climb mountains and build skyscrapers You made TV shows and put out newspapers You were wicked good at doin' stocks You liked it when Emilio would change your socks We never hung out and that makes me sad - all the good times we could have had. Nice rhyme. But when I die, Uncle Preston, you better say cheers, 'cause me and you are hangin' at the pearly gates - I'll bring the beers... ..I'll bring the beers. He's good. ALL: Amen! I know this is supposed to be a closed casket but I feel it's good to see the body for the grieving process. (All exclaim in horror) Sorry about that! I'll keep this sucker closed. (Grunts with exertion) He's still pretty frozen. Almost there... SNAP! (All scream) I'll watch the company for you, buddy. Love ya. Nice meeting you. Thanks for the apartment. That was freaky. Everybody drive home safe. Man, this guy is in way over his head. You gonna see him again tonight? Yes, I'm calling around four. It's when I get off work. Remember, I'm Pam Dawson, virgin school nurse from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa. (Both laugh) That's priceless! You, a virgin! (Laughs) Alright. Thank you. Excuse me, sir. That's alright, I told him he could have that. Thanks, Deeds. Right on, buddy. Nice seeing you. You need to use our bathroom, use it, OK? Will do, Deeds! How do you think I did at the funeral today? You spoke beautifully, sir. I still feel bad - I think I snapped my uncle's hand off when I was putting him back in the casket. Lucky for him he was dead, sir. Even though his face was frozen that way, it looked like he was a happy guy - am I right? Oh, he truly was. Come on, sit down, please. I got to hang out with him just like this almost every day for 30 years. What did you guys talk about? We spoke of life, love, art... ..wine, business... I learned much from him. I bet you miss him too. I do. He was like a parent to me. You see, I never knew my father. My Mama - she passed while giving the birth to me. You want some Cocoa Pebbles? No, thanks. OK. I have, uh...much work to do. Oh, thanks. You don't gotta do that. Alright, thank you. Enjoy your pebbles. One more thing. Your great uncle did not let me change his socks for him, either. I like feet. I do not know why. PHONE RINGS Hello? Hi, Deeds? It's Pam. Pam Dawson. Oh, I'm so happy you called. I'm wicked sorry about last night. I don't drink very often. Oh, I thought you held your liquor very well. Unfortunately I couldn't hold it for too long. That's OK. I didn't really like that skirt anyway. (Sniggers) I'm getting another call. Could you hang on a second? Sure! Thank you. Hello? Mr Deeds, this is Kevin Ward. The quarterback you punched. Oh, OK. What's up, buddy? I wanted to say that I was thinking it over, and I'd like to live up to my word and win you the Superbowl. Terrific, pal. And my Daddy wants to speak to you. Deeds! Buddy Ward here, Kevin's Daddy. How you doin' there, Mr Ward? Just wanna thank you for teaching my boy a lesson. No problem, he's a good kid, he's just gotta watch his language in front of the ladies. (Chuckles) I'll remind Kevin of where he comes from. OK, that sounds terrific. You used foul language in front of a lady?! No, Daddy, no! SLAPPING SOUNDS Arggh! Arggh! Arggh! Pam? Still here, Deeds. How's it going? You at work? Yep. Here in the nurse's office. Any customers? Customers? Oh, sick kids. Well, ah...little Billy...Bardy's here. Not feeling too good, Billy? (Falsetto) Miss Dawson, my tummy hurts! OK, why don't you just lay back and relax? Oh, that's nice. Good job. I've got too much doo-doo in my underpants! Make the stinky go away! Well, you sound like you got your hands full, so, um...I'll just come out with it. How would you like to do something with me tonight? I'd love to do something with you. Great, well, we can't go out drinking 'cause I got our company in trouble. Oh, that's OK. I was brought up never to drink alcohol. Not even rum raisin ice-cream. I like that. I'll bring you something good, OK? See you tonight. OK. 'Bye. I gotta try this. Whoo! WHOO! Whoa...whoa...arggh! CRASH! (Screams) Was that awesome?! Am I out or safe? I'm with you. What is this? My great uncle's personal journal. Should I read it? Family. Family. Safe. Good. Alright. Have a good night. My back hurts! (Echoes) U2'S 'SWEETEST THING' PLAYS Nice doing business with you, fellas. Thank you, Mr Deeds. Thanks for the bikes! Whoa. What are going to do with your $20,000? Buy a giraffe. What are you going to do with your $20,000? Quit school. Good idea! School is for fools! Look at me! (Cackles) (Boys scream) SONG: # My love she throws me like a rubber ball # Oh-oh, the sweetest thing # But she won't catch me or break my fall # Oh-oh, the sweetest thing # Baby's got blue skies up ahead # But in this I'm a rain cloud # You know she wants a dry kind of love # Oh-oh, the sweetest thing... # The park is beautiful. These trees - they remind you of Winchestertonfieldville at all? Oh...yes. Yes, very much so. What was it like growing up there? Oh, it was great. I remember walking down to the corner drugstore and getting malted milkshakes. Oh. What was your house like? Oh, we had this big Victorian, uh, right off Main Street with blue shutters and a big red door. Alright. Oh, and a tyre swing in the front yard. I love it. Oh, and I remember the time I fell out of old Boo Radley's apple tree and broke my arm. And my father, before he passed away from the disease of the lepers, uh, he came and he scooped me up and he ran me all the way to Dr Pepper's. Dr Pepper? Yeah. I'm glad that guy was around. You wanna sit down? Sure. Thank you. My pleasure. I was reading my great uncle's journal on my way over to you. And when he was aged nine he wrote that he had the only family on the block with a radio and he was dreaming about becoming a disc jockey some day. A disc jockey? Yeah. Wow. (Laughs) When I was a kid I wanted to be a news reporter. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I used to go around interviewing everyone and writing notes in my little Holly Hobby notebook. People didn't like that. I got beat up a lot. Do you remember their names? Oh, no. It was a long time ago. OK. Uh, but my grandma said to me, "One day, honey, you're gonna grow up "and you're gonna work for '60 Minutes' "and make a difference in the world." You do make a difference in the world every day ` you're a school nurse. (Softly) Yeah. Well, this is what happened to my uncle. Later on in his life, he would go to this radio station that he owned, like, at three in the morning, and DJ for an hour. Oh, that's great. Yeah. So don't give up hope. You'll be a reporter some day. If you really want to. That would be nice. SIREN WAILS Jeezum crow. A fire. Fire? We should help. We should? Let's get going. To the fire? Yeah. MAN: Come on. We'll catch you. Go away! No, I can't leave without me kitties. They're all I got. Crazy lady. Oh, babies... Longfellow Deeds, Mandrake Falls Volunteer Fire Chief. I'll be up there in a jif, buddy. MAN: Look at that. MAN: Where's he going? Watch it, man. MAN: Hey, Sully, who's that guy? I don't know. He says he's from the Mandrake Falls Fire Department. CROWD GASPS How can he climb like that? He must have monkey blood. It's an honour to work with New York's bravest, guys. Be careful, Deeds. I'm gonna get you. My babies? Babies, where are you? Ma'am! Oh, Lord, it's hot in here. Calm down. Kitties, come to momma. Everything's gonna be alright. OK, but I'm not leaving without me kitties. How many do you got? Seven. Holy shit. Let's get cracking. I apologise for the language. Apology accepted. Fire excites me. Knock yourself out. Come here, come here. Yes, that's Greg. Here we go. Whoo! (Screeches) Oh, my children. (Screeches) Nice catch, Pam. CHEERING Good throw, Deeds. Whee! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's Bobo. Thank you, darling. Coming at you, boys. (Screeches) MAN: I'll take that. There's a lot more. OK, OK, OK. (Crowd gasps) Holy shit. It's a cat. Oh, Snap. I gotcha, kitty. Nice grab. One more to go. Fifi, where are you? I think I found Fifi. Oh, good. (Grunts with pain) Hang in there. Oh, God! (Screeches) MAN: I got it, I got it. Miaow. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's do this together. I'm scared. FIREMAN: We got you. Oh, Deeds, be careful. Alright. They do it all the time. Here we go. Whoa! MAN: Oh, shit. Deeds?! I'm OK. Are you OK? Yes, I am. Thanks to you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DEEDS: You're hurting me. * BRASH MUSIC Longfellow Deeds is at it again. His latest victim, Coretta Keeling, whose only crime was loving her cats too much and letting Deeds find out about it. I'm gonna get you. Go away. Love it. DEEDS ON TV: Here comes two. (Screeches) SICKENING SPLAT MAN: Cat killer! Cat killer! After he finished with her cats, he turned his sights on Miss Keeling herself. Whoo! Whoo! No. No. My God! That's not what I shot. Has Longfellow Deeds been locked up? Of course not. While we obey the law, rich playboys like himself laugh at it. (Laughs loudly) Longfellow Deeds. Our Jackass of the Week. JACKASS BRAYS Oh, what the hell? Who edited that? I did. Your first cut was great. I needed to spice it up a bit. The truth was a great story. He saved that woman and her seven cats. He was heroic. Heroic is nice. Depraved and insane is better. MAN: Hell, yeah! Babe, this footage you're getting - gorgeous. Keep it coming. How could we do this to such a sweet guy? Sweet? Sweet? Look at me! Was he sweet when he gave me the most savage beating of my life? You were mugging me. Babe. No-one is as good as this guy is pretending to be. Don't be a sucker. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve you. Ow! My neck. I feel like an idiot. They made me look like a fool, Jan. I was thinking of going down to that 'Inside Access' place and giving Mac McGrath the beating of a lifetime. That sounds like fun. But don't stoop to their level. You're better than that, Deedsy. So hang in there. And know that we are always here for you. Thanks, Jan. My uncle really built an amazing company. Because of him, 50,000 people have jobs and he always tried to do the right thing. Well, he does sound amazing. But don't forget, he was related to you. Enough about that. Tell me more about this girl. She's nice. A small town kid like me. Deedsy, you sick ass mo' fo'. You gotta tap that before she starts boning other guys, kid. Boo-yah! He thinks it's you! He thinks it's you! (Laughs) DEEDS: Let's go Cedar. Put some steam on it, kid. Here it comes. (Grunts) Whoa! Ho-ho. He's trying to kill me. You're good at this. When you asked me to play, I thought you'd done this before. No. Johnny McEnroe said it was wicked easy. Plus it was my uncle's favourite game, right? How'd you know that? I read it in his diary. Really? I didn't know he kept a diary. WHOOSH! Sorry about that, dude. It's OK. He's a new member. Ball boy? (Louder) Ball boy?! Alright, baby. I'm ready for you. (Grunts) WHOOSH! Oh! Oh! You OK? Not a problem. Anderson, you liked that, didn't you? I did. Listen, Deeds. I got some good news. Those papers will be ready to sign tomorrow. You can relax, knowing your uncle's company will be in good hands and you can go home $40 billion richer. I was thinking about maybe sticking around and going to meetings with you. What? Ow! Oh. Fault. I figured I can learn. You know, like this tennis thing. (Grunts) WHOOSH! Oooh! I swear to God I'm not trying to do that. (Laughs) (Laughs) I don't gotta sell my shares, do I? Huh? Plus I met this girl, Cedar. I swear to God, I think she's the one. That's wonderful for you. (Grunts) WHOOSH! (Chokes and gurgles) Oooh! Got you in the throat, huh? (Sniggers) Gotta ask. If it hits you, is it my point or yours? (Chokes) Yours. Well, I'm winning, then, I guess. Mmm. Psst! (Reads) "Deeds info. Meet in shower." (Gasps) Sweet Jesus. Who are you? And what do you want to tell me? I'm a Junior Producer at 'Inside Access' and I have information that will help you get Deeds out of town. Interested? Very. Providing the information is good. And you stop soaping your ass. Know Deeds's girlfriend? The school nurse. Not quite. Lucy, bring me the overnights. JD will tell you where they are. Hey! What the hell are you doing in my chair? Chuck Cedar. I think you and I could help each other out, Mr McGrath. BOUNCY MUSIC DEEDS: You excited about this trip? I'm so excited. Where are you taking me? I told you. That's a surprise. Well? Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa. You gotta be shittin' me. Whoa! I never heard you curse before. I'm that excited. (Laughs) Hey, hey, hey, hey. All you Winchestertonfieldvillians. Recognise this little girl? OK, I'll give you a hint. "I fell out of Boo Radley's apple tree and my arm is killing me." Ow! Come on! It's little Pammy Dawson. Hello. You related to Bill Dawson? Yes, he's my...relative. I think I remember you. Did you used to have a kind of hump on your back? Oh, yes. That was me. I had a slight hump. Really? Oh, this was no slight hump. The girl I'm thinking of looked like she had a damn beachball on her back. OK. It was a huge hump and I'm a little sensitive about it. Look, Martha, it's Quasimodo all growed up. How wonderful. I thought you died. No. She actually became a school nurse. You're a nurse? Yes. What should I do about this? I...I would call Dr Pepper. Who? It was so great seeing everybody again. We're gonna leave now. ALL: 'Bye. Hi, mailman. Morning. How're you doing? Oh, my God. There it is. Blue shutters, red door. Tyre swing. That's your house, isn't it? Wouldn't you know it? Come on. Hey, how you guys doing? You know who she is? She used to live in this house when she was a little girl. It's true. You live here and she used to live here. You're practically cousins. Wow. So many memories. Where to begin? This is our fireplace where my dad would build fires. Out of wood. And this is the dining room where we would have our meals. Made of food. Oh, and this was my brother's room. My parents hated my brother. My daddy built this house with his bare hands six years ago. Well, your daddy is a liar. How come you... (Gulps) (Chokes) Oh, he's choking. We should go. Help. What are you talking about? You're the nurse. Come on. Help him. (Kids shout anxiously) Stand back, kids. Smack it out of him! (Chokes) Get it out of him! (Kids shout louder) (Kids scream) Oooh! (Gasps) That was amazing. (Kids cheer) Thank you. I saved his life. Yeah. You're my hero, Nurse Dawson. Thank you, driver. Thank you. Good parking job, buddy. Thanks, Deeds. Testing, testing. I had a such a wonderful time. Thank you for such a...great day. Oh, yeah. Thanks for showing me your town. I hope sometime to see your home town. Maybe someday this will be my new home town. Deeds...there's something I have to tell you. What's the matter? What? Go back to New Hampshire and enjoy being rich. Just...don't let anyone hurt you anymore, OK? Sucker. Pam! I made a card for you. It's kinda dumb. I've never worked on anything harder, though, so don't laugh at me. Remember we went to the restaurant that first night and you ordered chicken parmigiana? So I drew you a plate. Um, there's the chicken and the cheese and...the linguine. That actually took me a long time, with the squigglies. It's beautiful. There's a poem inside for you. Ah. "Hard to breathe, feels like floating "So full of love, my heart's exploding "Mouth is dry, hands are shaking "My heart is yours for the taking "Acting weird, not myself "Dancing around like the Keebler elf..." That's funny. "Finally time for this poor schlub "To know how it feels to fall in lub." Couldn't think of anything else that rhymes with 'schlub'. Rub and tub didn't work... ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS Wow. I'm sorry, Deeds. I'm really sorry. Don't be sorry. That was unbelievable. Oh! (Laughs) Hi, Mrs...Finch... ..and Atticus. Sleep well. Al, I'm gonna walk home. OK, Deeds. (Sobs) Whoo! Ow! CAR ALARMS WAIL I love New York! MAN SHOUTS: Nobody cares! You're retired, so these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. You work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: * I'm in love with him. And I'm gonna see him tonight and I'm telling him everything. He'll probably punch you in the face. I kinda hope he does. Oh, come on, Babe. Snap out of it. You really wanna throw all this away for a dipshit like that? He's not a dipshit. He's a good-hearted guy who we think is a weirdo because he doesn't share our sense of...ironic detachment. All this hip, snide, smart-alecky... Bullshit! Yes, bullshit. Well, in a few moments, I'm gonna put on my Versace overcoat, get into my Mercedes, drive to my Fifth Avenue apartment and squeeze my girlfriend's big, fake boobs. And that bullshit you're talking about paid for all of it. Good for you, Mac. But I'm still telling him. Well... Babe Bennett falls in love. I'm happy for you. I am. Gonna miss you, Babe. Something fierce. HOPEFUL MUSIC You think she's gonna like this? Alright. Chicken parmigiana? Terrific. Thank you. Let's hear it. (Plays romantic music) She gonna like that, Mr Deeds, yes. (Laughs) OK. Emilio. It looks beautiful. Thank you. Maybe these roses are too high. I won't be able to see her. Do we have anything smaller? Yes, sir. OK. Byron. That's terrific. Would you mind sitting down? Yes, sir. Say something to me. Pretend that you're her. Me, sir? Please? Well... It's nice of you to have invited me to dine with you this evening. It's my pleasure. Actually you're a little too tall. Can you slink down? Like this? That's good. This is one of the best dates I've ever been on. You make me feel very special. You make me feel very special too. That's why I got this for you. OK, could you lean forward? I really like you a lot. I like you too. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about you. Please let me touch your feet. OK, this is getting weird. You can stand up now. Deeds! Fellas! We wanted to wish you the best. Mmm. Oh, thanks a lot. I'm so nervous. I never asked anybody to marry me before. It's 7:30. Time for 'Inside Access'. We're not in for any more nasty surprises, are we? I don't think so. I haven't done anything stupid all day. Let's see what kind of lame show they put on when they're not picking on you. Excuse me. Could you put on Channel 8, please? You got it. BRASH MUSIC Welcome to 'Inside Access'. I'm Mac McGrath. All of us here at 'IA' take pride in our ability to handle every story with sensitivity and empathy... Oh, OK, pal. ..by maintaining an appropriate journalistic distance. But what happens when a reporter becomes part of what she's reporting? What happens when a journalist falls in love with an idiot? That's Longfellow Deeds with Pam Dawson... I can't believe they dragged her into this. ..she recently moved to New York City from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa. But wait. Doesn't Pam Dawson bear a striking resemblance to Babe Bennett, a producer here at 'Inside Access'? In fact, the two are one and the same. Babe, we're gonna wire your apartment with state-of-the-art surveillance video, mate. BABE ON TV: Sounds good. Deeds? I came here to try to explain. POIGNANT MUSIC I'm the biggest sucker in the world, fellas. This town can be brutal. I don't belong here. I can't run the company. I can't run my own life. Sure you can. The papers are ready. So sign them and we'll get our stock and you'll get your $40 billion. I don't want that money. Just give it to a charity. What's a good charity? The United Negro College Fund? OK, give it to those guys. Can we take you to the airport? The company chopper will take you. Thanks, anyway. I'll be alright on my own. Nice meeting you all. Nice meeting you, Deeds. Goodbye! (Echoes) Goodbye. SONG: # Where are you going? # Where do you go? # Are you looking for answers # To questions under the stars? # If along the way # You are growing weary # You can rest with me until a brighter day # And you're OK # I am no superman... # (Sobs) It's not right. It's not right. (Gasps) Oh, hi. You must be Jan. My name's... I know who you are. Wham-bam Dawson. AKA Little Miss Slut-slut. OK. I deserve that. Do you have any idea how much you hurt him? You're not getting anywhere near that boy. I have to find him and there's nothing you can do to stop me. There's a lot I can do to stop you. He needs to know how bad I feel and that I'd go to the end of the earth, I would do anything, to take back what I did to him. I'm sorry. All I heard was "Blah, blah, blah. I'm a dirty tramp." Tell you what. You get by me... (Cracks knuckles) ..I'll tell you where he is. (Cracks neck) Whoo! Feeling crazy! OK. Come to mama. ROCK MUSIC Ow. I was a rodeo clown for six years. You'll have to step it up a notch. You mean like this? Oh! Oh! Oh! (Laughs) Who were you kicking? I ain't got no balls, dummy. Ahhh! Please put me down. You got it! Whoo! Ow! (Groans) (Laughs evilly) Just tell me where Deeds is. Bring your bony ass over here. Whoo! I wanna cut you into eight slices of bitcheroni. Good. Go. Hey-ya! Oh. Ooh. (Gasps) Hey, are you alright? Good kick, honey. Good kick. Crazy Eyes. Oh. Alright. Here you go. Peanut butter and gumballs. Nice combo. Don't worry about what happened. Time heals all things. Except these crazy eyes. It's good to be home, I know that much. I wasn't talking to you, Deeds. I was talking to that squirrel there. Oh. Although it is a shame about that Cedar fellow tearing apart your uncle's company and firing all those nice people. Where'd you hear that? I watch the stock market channel all the time. I just watch 'cause I suspect that anchorman of being an evil leprechaun. He can bullshit everybody else but he ain't fooling me. (Grunts) There it is. OK. Deeds... (Screams) Ahh! This is not happening. Whoa! Help! Deeds! Help! Deeds! Oh! Oh, God! Deeds! Ahh! DRAMATIC MUSIC Oh, my God! Deeds! Deeds! (Gasps) Where do you got the camera hidden? In the woods? No camera. I'm s-so cold. Please. You gonna get mugged in there too? I'm s-s-so s-s-sorry. I really l-l-love you. B-b-b-b-bullshit! Hey. Hey! DRAMATIC MUSIC Oh! (Muffled cries) I'm coming! Go down! Go down! Here comes the black foot. No! Ahh! I know it's gross but grab it. (Screams) OK. (Gasps) Oh, God. Your foot. It's disgusting. I know, I know. Come here. Are you OK? Are you OK? I think so. You didn't really fall out of an apple tree, did you? No. But I really love you. I don't even know who you are. I'm sorry. POIGNANT MUSIC * (Travis sings) # Baby, you've been going so crazy # Lately nothing seems to be going right I am so sorry. # Solo Why do you have to get so low? # You're so... You've been waiting in the sun... # TV ANCHORMAN: A company in tatters. Preston Blake's great legacy gone to the highest bidder. A shocking announcement from Chuck Cedar today confirmed that Blake Media will be stripped down and sold off piece by piece. The only man who could stand up to Mr Cedar and save the company, Longfellow Deeds, has apparently given up his voting rights and left the city. The sale is expected to pass with unanimous consent at the annual stockholder's meeting here in New York tomorrow afternoon. Sources indicate that virtually all of Blake's 50,000 employees are likely to lose their jobs. Hey, wait a minute. I'm a Blake employee. Holy shit. This sucks. CHUCK CEDAR: Ladies and gentlemen, the bottom line is that this divestiture will result in every shareholder, all of you and myself included, getting a substantial premium for our shares. (Audience applauds and cheers) But before we vote, the company by-laws require me to open the floor to shareholders for statements either for or against this buy-out plan. Does anyone wish to make a statement? Dismantling this company would be an insult to a great man. Oh. You scared me. It is an unspeakable outrage and it cannot be allowed to happen. Excuse me. I got a statement. (Audience murmurs) Longfellow Deeds, unfortunately since you sold me your 300 million shares, you have no right to speak at this meeting. Well, unfortunately for you, I bought one share of Blake Media this morning. You told me every stockholder has a say in this company, even the little guy. You've got two minutes, Deeds. But just remember, I now control 49% of this company, so you're gonna have to persuade just about everyone else to... ..start hating money. (Audience chuckles) Hello, everybody. I'm Deeds. For a little while, I was a big part of this company. I was wicked, uh, rich and powerful. Now, being rich and powerful isn't a bad thing. Looks like the 'Monopoly' guy over there's pretty darn psyched about it. But the problem is what can happen when you decide that you would do absolutely anything to become rich and powerful. I don't know who licked the red off your lollipop, but you're preaching to the wrong choir. (Audience chuckles) All I'm saying is, when you were kids, did you dream about becoming a savvy investor one day, who would think with his wallet instead of his heart? Come on, I know I didn't. I wanted to be a fireman. I wanted to be the guy everybody called on if they were in trouble. I wanted to help people. And, yeah, I wanted to slide down those wicked, awesome poles. (Audience laughs) But money, that was the last thing I thought about. What about you, sir? Did you want to be a fireman? No, I did not. Truth be told, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Cool. Why would you want to do that? I wanted to help sick animals. And what do you do now? I own a chain of slaughterhouses. OK. You kinda went the other way on that one, didn't you? OK. In the back, come on. Tell me what you wanted to be. I wanted to be a magician. And what do you do now? I operate a pornographic website. That makes people happy also, I guess. But kind of in a grosser way. Who else? I wanted to be a senator. I wanted to be a florist. International House Pancake. JAN: I wanted to be a man! (Quietly) Oh, that explains a lot. I wanted to be a ping-pong champion. (Audience laughs) But you're not those things you wanted to be, are you? Everybody made a compromise, then another compromise, and now you're about to put 50,000 people out of work just to make a quick buck. Come on. I bet if we ran into the sixth grade versions of ourselves now, they'd kick our asses and put bubblegum in our hair for even thinking about doing this. POIGNANT MUSIC SWELLS He's right. I would've beat my greedy ass red! I would've thrown myself off the merry-go-round. I would've tied myself naked to a chair and burned myself with lit cigarettes. Did anybody here dream about becoming a psychiatrist? Just kidding, pal. There's still hope for the kids inside of all of us. Please don't break up my uncle's company. I always wanted to do that. (Audience applauds and cheers) TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Well...that was very touching, Deeds. It appears this divestiture has been defeated... ..unless I'm forgetting something. Oh! My 300 million votes, plus the 5 million votes I control as proxy for the foreign investors. So which way should I vote my 51%? I vote 'aye'. 305 million times. The 'ayes' have it. And Blake Media is no more. BABE: Not so fast, Chuck. Too bad for you, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a good reporter. Ms Bennett, I wasn't aware that you were a stockholder. There's a few things you're not aware of. Like how to tweeze your eyebrows, for instance. Also, when Deeds gave away his fortune, he gave away something that wasn't his. What are you talking about? I have here the diary of Preston Blake. I stole it and read it. Please don't be mad. I did it for good reasons, I promise. I would like to read a passage from Mr Blake's diary dated April 12, 1957. (Reads) "I am a volcano of lust." PRESTON BLAKE: I've gotten this far in business by following my heart, and I must follow it now in love. If she just gives me a sign, an opening. Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree Mr Blake? You can call me Preston. Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree...Preston? Yes. (Clears throat) Yes! Yes! Who was this mystery woman? I have here the Blake Media ledger sign-in book from April 1957. On the night of the 12th there was only one woman working on Preston Blake's floor. Sadly, nine months later, she died giving birth to a son. A son born January 23, 1958... That is my birthday. ..to Miss Consuela Lopez. That is my mother. And the rightful heir to $40 billion! That is my money? A simple DNA test will show that Emilio Lopez is the majority stockholder to Blake Media. It is my money? That's your money. That is my money. Areeba! (Audience applauds and cheers) Way to go, Emilio! I'll will do good things! Good things for everyone. Free flamenco lessons for all! People! People, please. That is my money! Don't be misled. These are all lies. Mr Cedar, you are fired. You can't fire me! (Audience applauds and cheers) I'm in control. Get your hands off me! At the lake, when you saved my life, which I never got a chance to thank you for... You're welcome. ..you said you didn't know who I was. I realised I don't know who I am, so I started working on it, and here's what I've got so far. My name is Babe Bennett. I grew up in Syosset, Long Island. I have brown eyes and I don't know what my natural hair colour is anymore. When I was in fifth grade, I got a crush on Walter Kronkite, and I really had that Holly Hobby notebook I was telling you about. I love Bruce Springsteen, almond roca and Abbott and Costello movies. I don't like liquorice or my ankles. More importantly, I know that I messed up real bad, and I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life begging you to give me another chance, because I am so deeply in love with you. And I know that it's definitely that forever kind of love... You're crazy. You have beautiful ankles. JOYFUL MUSIC Let's go home. (Audience applauds) You're fired. You. You. Oh, you, sir. You are definitely fired. I'd like to stay. I think I can do some good if I got another chance. Not fired. But tomorrow morning, you let me change your socks. OK. And you, long, long, Longfellow. You are the one who made all this possible with your beautiful words and your beautiful spirit. And Miss Bennett with her beautiful research. How can I thank you? All I want is your friendship, Emilio. You're a good man. I'll miss ya. Deeds. How about $1 billion? Alright. Done. HARMONICA MUSIC Holy jeez! I can't believe it! What's that, Deedsy? It's a letter from Hallmark. They're actually gonna buy one of my cards. Oh, my gosh! Which one? The one I wrote for you. Do you remember it? Do I remember it? "Hard to breathe, feels like floating "So full of love, my heart's exploding "Mouth is dry, hands are shaking "My heart is yours for the taking. "Acting weird, not myself "Dancing around like the Keebler elf "Finally time for this poor schlub..." Ow! "To know how it feels to fall in lub." I'm so proud of you. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC CRAZY EYES: Can you believe Deeds bought us all these? (Laughs) Damn, these things are fast. CRASH! I'm OK! I'm OK.