www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 q q (car alarm beeps twice) (knocking) OK, now I'm gonna ask you to take a deep breath, in... (man inhaling) And you can let it go. (man exhales loudly) -MAN: Should I do it again? -No, one is good. WOMAN (voice-over): ...upset about? Well, apparently, last Tuesday we had this fund-raiser, and I brought cupcakes, she brought cake pops, and she's, like, "That's too similar." I'm, like, "No, it's not. A cupcake is a cupcake. A cake pop is just a cake with a stick in it." -Cynthia? Cynthia? -Yeah? I'm gonna ask you to scooch down the table now -and turn over, please. -OK. CYNTHIA: We are grown women, and here we are fighting about cake pops. You know what I mean? Like, let's get over it already. But the real issue is, her daughter Alicia is a very nice girl, but she's not very smart, where my daughter, -(voice-over): Anna... -(car alarm beeps) Hey, Eva. Nice to see you. Hey. MAN: Come on up. How's everything? -(quietly): Great. -Great. EVA (gently): Excuse me. (crickets chirping) GIRL (voice-over): Hey, Mom. Where you going? To a party with Sarah and Will, so they don't have to be alone. -Mm. -You want to come? Why? 'Cause you're leaving soon, -Mm. -and I want to be with you. I'm good. Thanks. Have fun. Thanks, honey. WOMAN (Australian accent): She's driving us totally crazy. We can never find anything. Oh! She puts things in the weirdest places. Like, if I leave my bracelet on the kitchen counter, she'll just put it in the drawer in the kitchen. Why can't you just do it? I always do it. I fired the gardener; it's not fair. -We want to fire her, and he won't do it. -Mm-hmm. -No. -It's not hard for you. Why does it have to be fair? Well, you should do it because it's hard for you. Oh, please. Come on, Sarah, you're a grown-up; you can fire a maid. Oh, that's the definition of maturity, being able to fire your friggin' maid? Sarah, is this colour good on me? You look good. You look pretty. That's good. It's a nice look. (music playing, indistinct chatter) EVA: So, whose party is this, anyway? He's a big book editor, and she's an interior designer. They know everybody. Mm! Maybe there are some single men here. No. -Aw, shit. I see a patient. -EVA: Uh, what are you gonna do? Will you show me? -No way. -Will you show me which one it is? -Come on, introduce me. -Stop looking. No. Oh, God, you're such a wet blanket. -SARAH: Mm. -EVA: Oh, lookit. There's that lady from my gym. What is...? -SARAH: OK, bye. -Bye. What is her name? What is her...? Oh, it's... Hillary. Hillary? -Hillary. Hello. -Oh. Eva. Hi! -It's so weird to see you here. -Oh! (kisses): Mwah! -Hello. -Oh, hi-- Eva, this is Marianne. Marianne, Eva. -Hello. -How are you? I'm good. Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you. Eva is an incredible, incredible masseuse. Oh. -Oh, wonderful. -Thank you very much. -Oh, yeah. Excuse me a second. I have to go to the... I have to fi-find a bathroom. That was abrupt. -Yeah. -Oh, my goodness! Look at those shoes, and that outfit you've got. With the purse and everything? That looks so nice. -Thank you. -Sure. I should bring you everywhere. (Eva laughs) I love your outfit. -Oh. So, you're a masseuse? I am, yeah. -Yeah? -Yeah. What is it that you do? I'm a poet. Oh. And I'm a dreamer. (chuckles) No, really. I... Oh, you're really a poet? -I am. -Oh. Do you do that for a living? -I do. (laughs) -Wow. You do; I don't. You're a poet, now I know it. -That's a good one. -(laughs) Feel free to steal it. Oh, can I give that to you? Thank you very much. Hey, guess what? -What? -I think I just got a new client. Yeah? Where? Uh, right there. -WILL: Oh. She looks clean. -Yeah. She's really nice and she's funny; she's got great taste. -And very attractive. -Yeah. You probably think all the women at this party are attractive. -Yeah, pretty much. -Yeah. You know what? Hold this for me. There's not one man at this party -that I'm attracted to. -MAN: Will. Hey. Jason, how you doing? -This is Albert. -Hi. -Hey. How's it going? -How are you? Hi. -Hey. EVA: So, this is a nice party. It's got all the nice white balls hanging down and stuff. Uh, Eva was just telling me that there are no men at this party -that she's attracted to. -OK... (laughs) I don't know why you would make that announcement. -ALBERT: Really? -But, um... Is that unusual? No, actually-- to be honest, it's not unusual. No offense. No, no, that's OK, that's OK. There's no one here I'm attracted to, either. (laughs): OK. All right. Yeah, it's kind of an ugly crowd, really. (laughing) Jason, you've got a kid in college now, right? Two. Yeah, I have one leaving in the fall. Oh. I do, too. That's all I have. -(laughs): Me, too. -JASON: Come on, guys, your kids are supposed to go away, right? I mean, that's healthy. No. Shut up. Yeah, shut up. (laughing) -So, do all the guys get boners? -No. -Oh, God, haven't we been over this? -EVA: Yes. I mean, I just get so nervous with massages. I'm always afraid I'm gonna get a boner. -You are? Absolutely. Absolutely. -So, do they hit on you? -OK, now you're starting to depress me. No, they don't hit on me. They don't get boners, either. I do have this one guy who's got, like, a hundred stairs going up to his house, and he never once helps me carry my massage table. Well, did you ever ask him to? -She shouldn't have to. -No. I shouldn't have to. Bye, guys. Thank you. Love you. (car driving away) (door creaks quietly) OK, bye, honey. -Bye, Mom. Hey! -Bye, Eva. Thanks for the ride. Oh, you're welcome, Chloe. Oh, Maddy Price. You littered here, honey. (British accent): Excuse me, what did you say? (laughs): I said, pick up your trash. You're not British. What a bitch. (car alarm beeps) -Hello. -Hello. -Come on in. -Thank you. -Nice to see you. -Nice to see you, too. You can just put your, um, table down right there if... -OK. -Great. Would you mind taking your shoes off? -Oh, no, not at all. -Thank you. -And, uh, your socks, too? -Oh, sure. -Great. -Absolutely. Do you want some iced tea? Oh, yeah, that sounds good. Thank you. MARIANNE: Sure. I'm so happy that you called, you know? Most people usually just take my card to be polite. MARIANNE (laughs): Well, I'm not polite. (both laugh) EVA: Oh, my, isn't this nice. Wow. Thank you... Um, just make yourself at home, look around. I'm gonna go change. So, I'll be back -in a minute. OK? -OK. OK. God, everything is so... pretty! (laughs): Can I live here? Mm. That tastes kind of fabulous, too. I'm dating this guy. He has no sense of humour. -That can be a deal-breaker. -And I don't know what to do, because he's very, very sweet. Well, sweet can be good. Maybe you can find someone else to tell you jokes. (both chuckle) Are you married? Uh, divorced. Ten years. Mm. Are you still friends? Uh, no, not really. We share a daughter, but, um, other than that... It's really hard to believe that I ever had a laugh with that man, you know, let alone create a child. I know what you mean about your ex. -We had zero in common. -Mm. I just, I don't know how I ever had a real conversation with him. Yeah, it's crazy, right? Yeah. So I'm gonna call you pretty soon, if it's all right, 'cause my right shoulder is still very tight. Uh, you should ice it tonight, OK? -Uh-huh. -And make sure to drink plenty of water. It's important to stay hydrated. Of course. Yeah. Hey, do you want some chervil? I'm... drowning in it. -Oh, sure. -Great. I'll just give you what I... I've cut. -A little bunch. -Oh. -Don't have anything to put it in, but... -Oh, that's ideal. -There you go. -Thank you. -Mm. Lovely. -All right. -Thank you. -Thank you so much. EVA (voice-over): What the hell is chervil? She said she was drowning in it. -(pronounces the "h"): It's a herb. -A what? (not pronouncing the "h"): An herb. How long have you known me? I can't understand a goddamn thing you ever say. (laughs): Oh, God. Everything in that house was so gorgeous. I wanted everything. She has no cellulite. -How can that be? -I've never seen anything like it. -Nothin'. -Um, so Will told me some guy you met at the party wants your number. SARAH: Jason's friend, I think. -Oh. That's so funny. 'Cause we both said we weren't attracted to each other. -Ahh... -I don't know what to do. He's kind of fat. -He is? -He's got, like, this big belly. SARAH: Well, I mean, you've got nothing to lose. No. But he does. (goofy laugh) Uh-oh, your light just came on. Got a patient. EVA: You better get a move on. Hey, what happens if you never go out there? Do they, like...? (imitates gunshot) (laughs): Oh...! Sorry, was that inappropriate? Bye. Listen, I'm sorry about this. I-I swear to God I made a dinner reservation. Oh, that's OK. It's fine. What about you? What do you do? I work at the American Library of Cultural History. -The what? -Exactly. It's kind of a television library. Do you watch a lot of TV? No, no, no, it's television history. -What's on now, I-I have no clue. -Yeah. I mean, I tried to watch one of those "Housewives of... Idiot Town," but I-I got so depressed that I really thought I was gonna just go jump off a building, so... I know exactly what you're talking about, because I tried to watch one of those once, with my daughter, and I could not believe what I was watching. No brains, and the fake cheekbones, and the fake boobs... Do you like fake boobs? -No. No, I like real boobs. -Mm. Yeah, I got real boobs. That's working out for us, then. (both laugh) So, how long have you been divorced? -About four years. -Mm. And was it mutual? -Not really. No. (chuckles) -Mm-hmm. Can I have her number, please? -(laughs) Of course. -Can you imagine the time that that would save? We should all just put a sign on our necks, and write down what's wrong with us and get it all out there. Oh, that's a good idea. What would your sign say? I don't know-- I'm a, I'm a, I'm a slob. I have ear hair. You know, there are things you can do to get rid of ear hair. Researched; taken care of. (laughing) -So, you're a slob, huh? -Well, not like a dirty hoarder slob. -Uh-huh. What kind? -Like a normal, disorganised one. -Does your daughter live with you? -Half the time. It aggravates her sometimes, but the thing is, she and her mother are very, very neat. -Ooh. -As a matter of fact, their favourite store is that, uh, I don't know, what is it? The store with all the empty boxes and the storage... Oh! The Container Store? -Yes, yes, The Container Store. -(Eva gasps) The store that sells crap, so you can put your crap in, so you can go out and buy some more crap. I love that store. I love crap. So did my ex-wife, and she... and she puts it in lovely, flowery and expensive boxes. You should know something. They... have things in sort of manly designs there. -Manly designs? -Yeah, like rounds and... little... cowboy designs -and... (laughs) -Little cowboys? Yeah. I mean, come on, it's hard to live with somebody, don't you think, really? -Mm-hmm. -People's habits are, like... OK, listen to this. -I like guacamole. -Uh-huh. But I don't like the onions that are in guacamole, so I take a chip and I swirl it around, and I separate the onions from the guacamole so I can eat the guacamole. Now, that drove her bananas. -I think that sounds pretty harmless. -Now, that's what I thought. But by the end of our marriage, it made her gag. Boy, that's not nice. (laughing quietly) You know, you have... lovely hands. -Oh. -I thought, as a masseuse, you'd probably have big muscular hands, -but they're very lovely. -Thank you. You have nice hands, too, actually. (chuckles softly) Kind of like paddles. -(chuckles) (music volume increases) Did they just turn the music louder? No. I think that you just got older. (laughing) Oh. Um, excuse me, would you mind turning down this music a little bit? I'm-I'm-I'm old. No. I'm sorry. No, you're sorry that I'm old, or that you won't -turn the music down? -I'm not allowed to change it, ma'am. He's so nice. I find that I don't like younger people. Eh? (laughing) I'm sorry, I picked the wrong restaurant. Oh, I'm having a great time. This is delicious. I mean, I can't hear anything you're saying, but... -That's probably why you're having a great time. -(laughing) What is this, tomatoes? Tomatoes? It's watermelon. -Oh. -There's croutons next to it. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose? It's non-fat yogurt, not ice cream-- you can put a little stuff on it. Mm. That looks good, man. What? What? -People tasting? -ALBERT: Take a chance, put some in your bowl. You know, you're not buying a house. (laughing) He's happy. -You know. -I know. -Give me this. -(Eva chuckles) Anyway, they got to test all of these flavours 'cause there's so many millions of them. What is that, Very Berry Sorbet and Nut Job... This... is my daughter. Wow-ee kazow-ee! She's stunning. Lucky you. Looks like her mother, thank God. (groans) Here's mine. -Right there. -She's beautiful. You got any money? -Oh! -Yeah, I'm kidding. Oh, my God. (laughing) EVA (laughs): Well, um... (smacks lips) I just had such a good time. That was really fun. Yeah, I thought so, too. Uh, I'm not sure. -(laughs) -OK. I mean... I mean, may-maybe. No, I... I understand. It's just... I-I'm just not sure. I get it. I'm not deaf. -Um, I'm a little deaf in... -Oh. -ALBERT: Well... -(chuckles) Thank you very much. Good night. I like your paddles. (chuckles) I like your ass. (laughing): Oh... oh, my God. Well, thank you. (chuckling): Good night. Good night. (closes car door) -(TV playing indistinctly) -Hi. -Hi. -Hi. How was it? -Fine. -Good. I mean, if he immediately hooks up with someone else, -I'll feel like an idiot. -Well, so don't do it. -What are you guys talking about? -Nothing. I can't decide if I should sleep with Chris or not. -Oh. -I don't want to do something I'll regret, but I also happen to really like him, and I don't know what to do. And... you're a virgin? -Yeah... -Don't answer that. OK, here's what I say: I say you can't live in fear of making a mistake. If you want to do it, you should just do it. -Mom... -What? Stay out of it. Ellen, honey, she just asked me. She did? Right, Chloe? No? My bad. Quiet. EVA (voice-over): Oh, hey, Ellen, I forgot to ask you, what happened to Maddy Price? My God, she was so rude to me the other day. CHLOE: She had a threesome with Sage Berger and Brendon Weiss, -ELLEN: Chloe! ...and now she thinks she's Taylor Momsen. -Seriously don't tell my mom... -Ellen, she can tell me stuff. You never do. Wait a minute, they had a threesome? ELLEN: Forget it, Mom. (scoffs) What is happening? -What, is everybody doing that? -ELLEN: Mom. -EVA: I just cannot believe it. -ELLEN: Shut up. -CHLOE: You look good. -Well, come out. Oh, you look beautiful. (laughing): Oh, look at you two guys. (chuckles) -Come on. What? -We're not buying the same dress, Mom. I'm not gonna wear it at the same time as you. But you look stupid. I think I look good. You're so lumpy. -(scoffs) -EVA: Boy. I would wear that if I could. Thank you. No, you wouldn't. Mom, you look crazy. OK, you are not the only attractive girl in this family, Chloe. Why can't you dress more like Ellen's mom? I mean, she looks normal. So, what happened with not-so-funny guy? Oh, it didn't work out. -Oh. -It's fine, really. What about you? EVA: Hmm. Do you have a boyfriend? Oh, uh... well, I had a very good first date over the weekend. -Oh, how nice. -Yeah. What's he like? Um... funny. -Funny? And we really-- we never stopped talking. It was, uh, it was like we were old friends already. Well, be careful of that 'cause it could totally kill the chemistry. Oh, n-n-no, in a good way. -Oh. -Really, I mean... It was just-- it was very flirtatious. I mean... Nice. ...I-I didn't find him attractive at first, you know, because he's not handsome in your typical kind of way. -Oh, yeah. -But, um... I don't know. Now I find him kind of... sexy. (doorbell rings) Hi. Um, oh, did I get the day wrong? No, why? Because you're wearing your pyjamas? It's, it's just brunch. -Oh, yeah. -It's Sunday, you know, I like to be comfortable. -Oh, good, OK. -Oh, come on in. Um, yeah, I got us that. I'll make us some mimosas. OK. This is nice. Thank you. Do you carry a, a purse? No, no, that's my daughter Tess's. It was outrageously expensive, but it was her 18th birthday, so... Oh, my God! Bagels! (chuckles) I love bread. I really love it. So, um, what is she like-- your daughter? She's very sophisticated. -Uh-huh. -As you can tell by the pocketbook. (chuckling): Pocketbook. She's smart, lovely, and funny, and she's moving to New York. Oh. -Very far away. -Wow, it is far. -She's going to Parsons School of Design. -Oh. -I'm very proud of her. -Yeah, I bet, I would be. But part of me thinks that I shouldn't have let her go. She's 18 and this is a great opportunity for her, but if something happens to her while she's over there in New York, I will never forgive myself. Oh, come on. I know what you mean, though, this whole going away to college thing. We just send 'em off and we're not gonna know where they are all the time. Aside from the fact that I don't know what my life is going to be like when she's gone. And Ellen doesn't even want her dad and me to take her there. She wants us to take her to the airport here but not even fly with her. That would kill me-- just to put her on a plane? -Heartbreaking-- that's the word for it. -Mm-hmm. We're gonna have to develop hobbies, I think. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I suppose I already have one 'cause I knit, so I'll just spend the rest of my life knitting. (chuckles) That's my plan. You know, that's funny, because actually I weave. -Like baskets? -Yeah, I do it in the garage. -Really! -No. (laughs) What would make you think that I would weave? I thought you were s-- I-- you know, I didn't want to insult you. -Well... -I'm kind of glad you don't weave, I have to say. Me, too. You know, I've been picturing w-what it's gonna be like for her not to be here. I mean, e-even though she was only here half the time, it's gonna be very different. Look, I can see your penis. -What? My God. -Um... I think -your pyjama thing is just a little bit open. -I'm sorry. Shit, I'm very sorry. -What did you think? -Uh, um, I think you are very healthy. -Thank you. -(laughs) Go change your pants, OK? -I'll be right back. -OK. (quiet whimper) EVA (voice-over): What happened to you guys? I mean, not the details obviously, just the general... We, we were... very different. We never had sex-- not my choice. She just had no interest in it, and then I'm pretty sure that she had an affair, which was awful because it meant that she did like sex, she just didn't like it with me. -You, right. -Right. She thought my job was stupid. She thought I parented badly, I thought she parented badly. We fought about it-- why are you wrecking my backyard? You have a lot of weeds. Yeah. I thought this was all good. No. Yeah, we never had sex either-- not his choice-- but we were pretty out of sync in that department. We were pretty out of sync with Ellen, too. Oh, my God, we fought all the time about how to parent. (laughs) That's all good grass you're pulling up. Oh... I'll put it back. Ow. Jesus. Got yourself a, uh, blister thing going on there, huh? Yeah. Yep. You grossed out? -No. -You are, you're freaked out by my feet? I have a little problem with feet. Have you gotten a look at your own feet? I'm used to my feet. OK, well... What's the deal? -(chuckles) It has to do with my mother. Oh, she had feet? She had, uh, um, spectacular feet. -Oh, boy, here we go. -They were red and yellow and green and purple and swollen with veins and... Yeah. -Yeah, right, I get it. -You don't have to do that. I really do-- I've never had a pedicure, OK? I never saw the point until this actual moment. Would you like a Band-Aid at least? Oh, please. That would be great. -OK. -And maybe a bag for my foot. Stop it. Two bags. Two bags for the old bag. I knew I shouldn't have told you. ALBERT: Well, they're naked, right? Yeah. Are you ever attracted to them? No, never. I'm sure they're attracted to you. Well, I don't know. They get massaged. Do they ever hit on you? Uh, sometimes, yeah. I can give you a massage sometime, if you want. Think I might like that. But I would definitely hit on you. Well, that might be OK. Really? Want a kiss? Yeah. (both chuckling) You didn't actually open your eyes at any point, did you? (chuckles) Mm-mm. No. No worries. I kept my eyes closed. I figured... if I couldn't see you, you couldn't see me. Oh, I saw you. (sighing): Oh, God. I'm tired of being funny. Me, too. But you're not funny. SARAH (voice-over): I'm so excited for you. -Yeah. -He sounds really great. -Oh, he is great. It's so cute-- he made this whole bruncheon. -Oh, sweet. -Yeah, that's sweet. -(grunts) -OK, good. (children chatter indistinctly) (whispering): We had such good sex. (sighs) How fun. -Yeah. -I can't even imagine. OK, what do you think? Uh, hmm, I liked it the way it was before. You're gonna give yourself a hernia, you know. All right, you guys, you guys are done. Thank you, thanks for your help. Do you want to take the drawing in the kitchen? And you can watch some TV, but no "Cleveland Show." -BRANDON: Please? -GRACE: Please, Mom? -OK. -(laughs) Geez, way to put your foot down. (sighing): I'm too tired to be a good parent. Maybe 'cause you're always moving furniture around. Hi, Cathy. CATHY: Hola. You have no idea. Will refused to fire her, so I just let it go on, hoping she'd get better. She got worse. She even seemed like she wanted to be fired. She was doing such dumb stuff. That is so interesting, isn't it? -So I fired her. -Mm-hmm. And she started crying and then I started crying and then we were hugging and... I hired her back. Of course you did. -See, 'cause you're nice. -Right? -Yeah, you are. Some people would see me as being compassionate or soft-hearted or whatever. Will thinks I'm just a baby. He wants me to fire her again as a learning experience. -Jesus Christ! -That's-- that is our relationship right there. -Oh, come on, that's not your whole relationship. -Whatever. He's a middle child, he never got enough fried chicken at the dinner table, and he needs everything to be fair. CATHY: Miss Sarah, where do you want me to put this? It was in the bathroom. Outside... with the Ping-Pong table. OK, no problem. I've never actually seen wisdom teeth. You do have a lot of fillings, though. Yeah. You think they're the mercury kind, though? They're the normal kind. Oh, and a couple crowns. Mm-hmm. Yeah. OK, it's your turn. Well, I'd rather you didn't. Well, I'd rather I did. Uh-uh. Watch this, excuse me. Let me get my glasses. -Come on. -No. -Open your mouth. -No. -Open your mouth. -Make me. -Hmm? -Make me. -Open your mouth. -OK. Oh, my God, you're missing a tooth? (laughs) -You are. Yes, I am. Let me see. Ooh. Well, you can't tell; it's way back there. Doesn't matter. -(sighs) It's-- well, I have to get some kind of hideous bone graft, and it costs a lot of money, and I'm putting it off. Oh, yeah, my Grandma Dee Dee had that. -Your Grandma Dee Dee? -(chuckling) Thank you for that. Thanks. (footsteps approaching) Huh? -Oh, um... -Oh. -I'm so sorry. -Oh, it's OK. This is Ellen's best friend Chloe. This is my friend Albert. -Hi. -Hi. Ellen didn't answer any of my texts, so I thought maybe she was sleeping? N-N-No, she's at her dad's, honey. -Oh. -Is everything OK? Yeah, I thought we were gonna go out for breakfast. Oh. You hungry? CHLOE: Um, let's see. 1975, Channel 4. Well, what time? Oh, come on. Saturday morning. Woody Woodpecker; Pink Panther; McDuff, the Talking Dog-- which I didn't like but I watched anyway-- Monster Squad; uh, Land of the Lost; then, um, Big John, Little John, which was like the movie Big but much weirder. OK, that's incredible. I thought I watched a lot of TV. I looked forward to that lineup. What, were you neglected as a kid or what? Well, I was kind of raised like a veal. I was put in a dark room and fed and told not to move. (Eva and Chloe laugh) Very relaxing. (man moans with pleasure, exhaling) CYNTHIA (voice-over): And she's like, "No, I just might want to get another size," but that's bullshit. It is the right size for her 'cause she's petite but she's very heavy on top, so I got a medium, but here's the thing-- I got it at Nordstrom Rack but I put it in a Neiman Marcus box. (car alarm chirps) (scoffs) Yeah, that's good. Don't open the door. You can just pretend that you don't know I'm here. Even though you heard me lock my car. (scoffs) Wow. Amazing. And so, what do you do with all this? Do you really want to hear this? -Yeah, I do. What? I make sure things are transferred to digital properly, I make sure they're logged in properly. I write little blurbs, so if anyone under 50 ever wants to put down their phone and come in here and... watch something original and brilliant, they can find what they're looking for. Like what, for instance? -Like the Sid Caesar show. -Oh. The Jack Benny show. -Right. -The Dean Martin show. -So cool. -Yeah, it is. EVA: Yeah. I kind of love it. You know, on slow days, I can sit downstairs in my office and watch a couple episodes of What's Happening!! Oh, you don't. Well, if things get too... This is my office. That's Bob. -Hey. -Hey. Hey. Hey. What about Flipper? Did you ever see Flipper? Of course I saw Flipper. Oh, God, it made me want a dolphin as a pet so bad. -Really? -Yeah. -That's a lot of work. (Eva chuckles, man sobs) What is that noise? Somebody watching something. That happens occasionally. It's Taxi. It's the episode where Alex's dog dies. Oh. -Buddy or Buster or something. -Come on, are you hungry? -Yeah, I'm starving. Let's get some lunch. There she is, right on time. Hi, honey. -Hi, Dad. -(sighs) -(sighs) Oh. -(chuckles) So, Eva, Tess. -Hi. -Tess, Eva. -Hi, how are you? -Hi, nice to meet you. So nice to meet you, too. (chuckles) Seriously? They have great chili. Oh, I love chili. Have you ever been to Lilly's? -No. It's so good. It's, like, around the corner. -Lilly's it is. (chuckles) -OK. I'll be studying fashion design. EVA: Oh! Well, you obviously have really good taste. Thank you. ALBERT: Eva has a daughter your age going to college in the fall also. Um, she's going to Sarah Lawrence, and, uh, she's very interested in English and history. She loves history, but I think she wants to be a writer. God, Sarah Lawrence is not what it used to be. Huh? I mean, I'm sure it's still good. Yeah. It's just gone downhill a lot in the last few years. Some of my, um, let's just say not-so-smart friends just got in. I was shocked. Mmm. Well, I'm sure there's a lot of smart people still going to Sarah Lawrence. Oh, yeah. I know, I'm just saying. Well, I think maybe you should stay home and go to school here. Well, at least you're honest about it. Mom acts like she's so excited to be on her own again, but... I don't buy it. Why don't we take it a little easy on Mom, OK? She's all right. And maybe you shouldn't judge until you have kids of your own. Except that I'm not having any. And why do you say that? I want a career. Anyway, I hate kids. Really? Right about now we have that in common. (Eva laughs) Corey? -Hey, you guys. -Hi. Listen, she doesn't know what she's talking about. She's too young to know what she wants. You don't have to worry. Dad, I'm gonna go get a coffee, OK? Bye, thank you for lunch. -All right. So nice to have met you. -You, too. -Yeah, great. -Bye. -Bye. -Be careful. She has a lot of friends. You think they have threesomes? -What? My God, why would you say that? I-I know, but apparently it's what they're doing these days. That's what I heard. -Oh, my God. -Right? I'm afraid that window's closed. There was a window? Hey, how was the daughter? Oh, kind of awful actually. A real snob. Oh, that's too bad. Yeah. Hey, I wonder what your roommate's going to be like. (chuckles) Me, too. Want me to call her parents? No, I don't. (chuckles) You hungry, honey? Oh, not really. What'd you eat yesterday? I don't know. Well, think, tell me. I want to know what you ate. Uh... cereal... Uh-huh. Uh, a banana. Where'd you get the banana? Mom, you're crazy. What? What'd you have for lunch, though, huh? OK, bye. What, where are you going? I mean, he's kind of flabby and middle-aged, but I don't care. -I'm flabby and middle-aged, you know? -No. It's funny, though, because our middle-agedness is... ...comforting and, and sexy to me. -Hmm. -Isn't that so incredibly sad but sort of good, too? -You know? -Yeah. I think that my ex-- all he would have wanted is for me to accept his belly and all of his quirks. Well, in the end, I was completely repulsed by him sexually. -Oh. -Kind of terrible in bed and... very clumsy. -Oh, God, no. -Just a sec. Here. It's, uh... -it's my last copy, -(gasping) but I really want you to have it. -Wow. Are you sure? -(Marianne chuckling) -Absolutely. -Oh, wow. I'm a little intimidated. I-I'm not really good with poetry. Oh, you just let it wash over you. Don't try to understand it. -Well, I won't. Believe me. -(laughing): No. God, thank you so much. I love that our time together is just... -I know. Do you think it would be weird if we just kind of hung out as friends? I would love that. -All right, great. -I would. -I want you to try this salsa. -Oh. 'Cause these tomatoes are amazing. Oh, but careful-- there's a ton of onions in them. One of the many upsides to my divorce. -What do you mean? -Well, my ex hated onions, so he would take a chip, and he would put it in the salsa, and he would... tap, tap, tap, swirl, tap, tap, tap, swirl and so on until all the onions were pushed up against the side. It kind of made me sick. GIRL: Mom? So... Oh, that's my daughter, and she's not feeling well. I'll be right back. Hi, honey. GIRL: Hi. I don't feel good. Oh... -Feel it, like, right here. -Yeah, let me see. -They're swollen. -(girl speaks indistinctly) MARIANNE: I will. I'll be... Listen, will you come meet my friend just for a second, please? Eva? Eva? That's so weird. She was just here. -Eva? -I'm going to go back to bed. -OK. All right. -I love you. -Mmm. I love you, too. You have bad breath. -Eva. -I'm sick. (sighing): God! Oh. (chuckling): Hi. This planting, I'm admiring. -It's so huge. -Oh. Thank you. Uh, I wanted you to meet my daughter Tess, but... (chuckles) I have to go. -Yeah. -So... -OK. -Um... Yeah. OK. -Oh... (laughs) -Great. All right. -So, I'll call you next week. -So... -We'll do something, OK? -Oh, wonderful. -Thank you so much. -Oh, great. -Oh, it was so nice. Oh. -Oh... -OK. -OK. Thank you so much. -A great day. -Great, great, great. MARIANNE: Bye-bye. EVA: Bye... Ooh! -You all right? -I got it. (engine revs, tyres squeal) (sighing): OK. OK. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You need data ` for dating sites, like Honey Badger. (LAUGHS) You do have a girlfriend. You need less data and more calls ` lovey-dovey calls. # You make me... # You don't have a girlfriend again. She won't return your calls. You need more text. Things change. Now your Prepay can too. Get more of what you need and less of what you don't with Vodafone My Flex Prepay. Are you believing that? I am not shitting you. That is an unbelievable coincidence. What are you, uh... what are you going to do? I don't know. I... Oh, shit. Your light just went on. Can you call me back, please? -Hi, Mom. -Hi. Did you take your shoes off? Mmm, no. Since when do I have to? EVA: We're doing that now. It's cleaner. And your socks, too, please. -OK. -OK. (clears throat) Well... God, you are not going to believe this. It turns out... that the woman that I've been massaging is Albert's ex-wife. -Weird! -So weird. -Right? -Oh, my gosh. I have been listening to this woman say the worst things about the one guy that I've started to really, really like. I mean, and I pictured the ex that she was talking about as, like, this fat, irritating slob. And it turns out it's Albert. Fat Albert. ELLEN: What? Who? Oh, it's a cartoon. A cartoon. Yeah, but he's so not like that. How do you know that? We had breakfast the other day. He's really sweet, funny. EVA: Yeah. You liked him, right? -Did you like him? -Totally. -Wait. What? -You weren't here, honey. We... we all had breakfast. That's all. But I haven't even met him. Yeah, well, you will. Mm-hmm. -What did she have to say about him? -Oh, my God. It's like this parade of horribles. That he's... he's disgusting, that he's, like, this clown in bed. What-what... Mom, oh, my God. OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. MARIANNE: Well, I date sometimes. It's just so hard to meet people. And I'm not attracted to anybody. -Really? -Really. Yeah. And you weren't attracted to your... to your ex-husband, huh? That... that must have been difficult. Well, I tried really hard. -I did. -Oh. But, you know, he would... he would go on so many diets, and then he would cheat, and then he would act shocked -when he got fatter. -Oh. It's just... -behaviour around the weight. -EVA: Oh. Excuse me. -Hi. Excuse me. -Hello. -Uh, are you Marianne Hope? -Yes. (laughs) Oh, my God. I told you. Uh, we were just talking about you. -You're, like, our biggest idol. -Thank you. You know, this... this means so much to us. She gave me a copy of "Beautiful Fruit" -when my mom died. -Oh. Oh... It... it-it saved me. How wonderful. I'm so sorry. Yeah. -Oh, thank you. -All right. -Well, thanks... very much. -Oh. Thank you. Yeah. Blessings. -Oh. Blessings. -Yeah. -Bye. -Take care. -Blessings. So cool that you saved her. But... but he never got obese, right? Well, depends on your definition of the word "obese." -Oh. -Yeah. But, uh, initially, um, you were... I don't know, you liked him, more or less. Unfortunately, less. Uh, just, there were so many things that really got on my nerves. -Yeah? Like what, though? -Sorry. I'm being so negative. I really am. -No, no. I mean... -Yes, I am. -Yeah, but it's OK. It is. Yeah. It's just that I don't really... I don't have anybody I can bitch to -about things like this. -Oh. You can completely bitch to me. -Really? -Really. -Thank you. -Oh, sure. I trust you. Yeah. -Oh, good. -(chuckles) I do. What's wrong with you? She can find another masseuse. I'm her friend, OK? She doesn't have any close friends. I'm, like, it. I feel so pulled in. -She's like a human Trip Advisor. -Albert is not a hotel. Yeah, but if you could avoid staying in a bad one, wouldn't you? Oh, my God. She has said so many bad things about him. She's not perfect, you know? Yeah, but she knows what she's talking about. She's smart. So are you. Maybe she's ultimately right, though, see? Are you ultimately right about Peter? Just 'cause you didn't want him, does that make him unlovable? By anyone normal. (scoffs) Come on. You haven't said anything about my furniture arrangement. I don't remember the way it was before. Hey. What do you think? Oh, honey. Why do you keep doing this? She's filling a hole. I'll fill your hole. Different hole. You're missing out. It's a fun time. (sighs) -Hi. -ALBERT: Hi. Whose car is this? Oh, Tess is getting hers fixed. This is a rental. -Oh. So... -There you go. So, why do you have it? I'm letting her drive mine. She likes it better. -Yeah, I bet she does. (grunting) You all right? -Yeah. (engine sputters, starts) -What was that? -Um, the gear, uh... skrinkled. -(laughing): Skrinkled?! -Yeah. Why you shaking that? It spreads the butter around. You put more butter on that? No, I put the regular butter. I asked for butter. I didn't put more butter. Oh, I thought it came with butter. WOMAN (in movie): It's not easy to talk about with you. I don't know why you wore that... And this... this actor, this guy, I saw him at a restaurant. He was about three and a half feet tall. (whispering): OK. You need to whisper, OK? What is she wearing? It looks like her aunt crocheted something to put over, like, a plant or something... (hisses) (whispering): You got to whisper. -I am whispering. -No, you... that's not... -I'm whispering. -No. ALBERT (voice-over): I want to ask you something, and I really want the truth. -OK? -OK. Can you breathe when I'm on top of you? (laughing): Yeah. Planning on losing some weight, by the way. -Oh, really? -Yeah. I know I need to. Was it ever an issue with your ex-wife? Oh, my God. Sometimes I ate just to drive her nuts. (laughing) (breathing loudly) You have a cold? No, no. I... I broke my nose a couple times and... -Oh. ...my doctor says, at this point, my nose is purely ornamental. (laughing) -Are you going to get it fixed? -Yeah, right after the missing tooth. (laughs) You know, I... I think Tess really liked you. Oh. Yeah, I could tell. Yeah, she seems so neat. She really is a great girl. I know she can be... obnoxious sometimes. -Oh, no, no. -But she's young, and she's... -Yeah. -...she's, she's really got a good heart. -She's going to figure it out. -Yeah. I kind of adore you already. EVA: So, what about you and Chris? What's going on there? What? What? We did it. Oh. Really? -(laughs) -Whoa. Uh, how was it? Nice, I think. Um... no, it... it was good. Congratulations. I'm so happy it was nice. -Even if we don't stay together, I'm just glad I got it over with. -Yeah. -I'm glad I took your advice. -(door opens) -Oh, hey. -Hi. -When did you get here? -Uh, just, like... -Couple minutes ago, right? -Yeah. -Just waiting for you. -Oh. -Look. I've been wanting to paint your nails for, like, ten years. (chuckling): I know. -I thought you were too ticklish. -I know. -She's in love. Oh. -Well... -So I guess that makes you not ticklish any more. Sweetie, you weren't here. -Come and be with us. -Actually, I have some... EVA: Oh, come on, Ellen. Come back. (door closes) MARIANNE (voice-over): Crazy day. I just, uh... I had a wonderful phone call, uh, from Joni Mitchell this morning. She read the galleys to my new collection and loved them, so that was... Uh, wait, you're friends with Joni Mitchell? Uh, yeah. We have been for a while. -Oh. -Do you want some water? -Uh, no, thank you. And I met a guy-- a really nice guy. Takes really good care of himself. -He's vegan. -Wow. And he actually read my work before he met me. A poetry-reading vegan. Oh, my God. I hope it goes well. I tend to get my hopes up a little early, so, uh, I just don't want to be disappointed again. With Albert, there was always this bait and switch going on. You know... when we first started dating, I thought, "Oh, he's mature. Look, he can buy a house." -This house? -Yes. -Oh. -But you should see where he lives now. And he made this dish-- spaghetti with, uh, eggplant and mozzarella. Wow. Sounds kind of delicious. Yeah, but it turned out that was the only thing he could cook. Oh. And he has no friends. I mean, neither do I, but... Well, me and Joni. Yeah. That's true. That's true, that's true. (doorbell rings) -Hi. -Hi. You hungry? Yes. Get ready for some... eggplant with mozzarella. -You OK? -Yeah. Mmm. Wow. This is actually delicious. Why do you sound surprised? It's great. Yeah. So, how was work today? It was good. I had two massages. Barnacles? Nonstop talking? Boners? Um... it was this nice woman in Santa Monica. Uh, she talked a lot about her ex-husband. -Albert... -Let's just hope it wasn't my ex-wife. (laughs) Oh... (clears throat) I got you a little present. -You did? -Mm-hmm. Now, it's just a little present. Oh! My God. I saw it and I thought of you. This, uh... this beautiful, wonderful... -All right. -Here, I... I can't do it, but here, let me help you. Oh, my God. OK. Yeah. OK. Mmm. Thank you so much. Look. You like it on me? It's nice. Maybe I shouldn't have? -Is it too soon? -No. It's just so nice. Thank you. (chuckles softly) (Eva groans) ALBERT: What? -No, nothing. -You all right? (laughing): Yeah. I don't know what that was. -Sorry. -OK. -OK, here, like this. -You OK? -Yeah. Yeah. EVA (grunts): Ooh. (Eva laughing) Stop. Stop it. -Your beard is so tickly. -What? -Sorry. -It's OK. -OK. Here I come again. -Oh, goodie. Oh, my hair! My hair! -My hair! Ooh! -OK. All right, I don't know... I don't know what I'm doing, but this isn't going very well, so let's just stop. (sighs) (Albert chuckles, mutters) What? You look cute in my robe. Is everything all right? You have like 400 mouthwashes. Yeah, I need to use them, and, um, then I buy them, and then I forget about them, and then I buy more of them, and... You have like 80 million toothbrushes. -I do? -Yeah. I only use one of them. But then, why don't you just throw the other ones out? I don't know. Because... they're my friends? (Eva sighs) Are you all right? Mm-hmm. You want to take another shot at it? Um, I'm just... I'm kind of tired. -Oh. OK. -Is that OK? It's OK. All right. Seriously, though, kiddo, I'm proud of you. Thank you, Dad. That means a lot. FRAN: We are so proud, we have some graduation money for you. -Ooh. -(Ellen gasps) Thank you, Fran. Thank you, Dad. That's really sweet. -It's in fives. Um, thank you for including me tonight. EVA: Oh. Did you have a fight with your mom? -Huge. -Where's your dad? He lives in San Diego, but you'd think he was in Alaska. I mean, he never visits or anything. But, um, I don't care. (chuckles) He remarried this really weird woman, and she never talks. Well, hear, hear for second marriages. FRAN: It's kind of true, though. It's good when everyone is a little older and wiser. -Steady. SARAH: Yeah, maybe second marriages work because people have figured out how to compromise. -Or behave, perhaps. -Thank you very much. I appreciate it. -No, no, no, Pete, nobody's talking about you. Don't take it personally. I'm just, you know, talking generally. If I got married again, I'd definitely be on the lookout for the inevitable problems. Odd conversation. Pretty weird. -(laughter) Sorry, but maybe don't get married a second time. I'm not saying I will; I'm just saying. She's just saying. Come on. Fran, what was your ex-husband... your first husband like? Oh, he was actually a lovely, lovely man. -Oh. -But not for me. (with snobby accent): Oh, very grown-up. He passed away... two years ago. Oh, I'm sorry. -Sorry. -WAITER: Oh. Uh, could we get some more bread, please? -Of course. -Oh, please no more bread. -Why not? -I-I don't want to eat it. -Well, then don't eat it. More bread, please. Are you even going to eat it? I don't know if I'm going to eat it, but somebody else -might want to have some. -I probably will. -Me, too. I like bread. -Bread eater, bread eater, bread eater. -I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Yeah. So, Fran, you eat bread, I see. -It's true. (laughs) -(light laughter) -EVA: So that means you get to keep cookies in the house all the time, huh, Peter? I can. What are you guys talking about? It's not a big deal, but, um, I have a little trouble controlling myself, so when Peter would bring some things like chocolate or good bread, yummy stuff like that, I would eat all of it, and then I'd hate myself. And me for bringing it home in the first place. -So, did you stop buying it? -Yeah, I did. -He got so angry. -I was not angry. Well, a little bit. -Well, he should have gotten a little angry, because why should he be deprived because she can't control herself? Because she's his wife, and he's trying to help her. Yeah, but is that really helping her? -Yes. -EVA: Yes. No, not if we want her to learn to control herself. -"We"? -Oh, my gosh. Yeah, it's... I just said it's not fair to him. (laughing): Oh, why does everything have to be fair? What are you, six? Of course I'm... What? Let's keep it nice. -I just forget cookies are there. So... (chuckles) EVA: See? Then that's why it's so good that you're married to Peter and I'm not. That is absolutely the God's honest truth. (light laughter) (yawns) Ooh, it's cold out. -Nobody ate the bread, by the way. -You did. -Yeah, exactly. (chuckles): What... exactly? Let me ask you a question. When people ask you why we got divorced, -what do you tell them? -I-I, I just say that I don't think that you and I should have been together. Well, what about Fran? I mean, you tell her everything? -Do you talk to her about us and...? -Yeah. (chuckles): Right. She's your wife. Right. -(chuckles) -Yeah. OK. That was fun, huh? (indistinct conversation fades) You know, I started this blanket when you were five years old. ELLEN: Oh... -I don't know what I was thinking about this colour. I'm gonna finish it, though, so you can take it with you. Well, I'll probably just buy another one in case. What? What are you talking about? No, this is gonna be good. Hey, why are you looking at this? I don't know. Just pulled it out. Oh... I was trying to remember what I knew. Did I already know those things about your dad. I mean, the things that we would fight about. Yeah, probably not. EVA: I think I did, actually. I think I always knew. Or-or felt them. I just wasn't paying attention. -But look at what I got, hm? -Mom. (laughs) -Mm! -I'm going to bed. -Oh, no. -Night, Mom. -Stay here and cosy up with me. Mm, I'm tired. Mm. Come on, Chloe. Uh, is that hard? Mm-mm. Not at all. You want to learn? Yeah. I've been trying to teach Ellen (loudly): for the longest time. -(phone vibrating) -Oh. Albert. (gasps) Ah... -(click, vibrating stops) -OK. (clears throat) Are you still seeing his wife? Well, she has a bad shoulder. And she has no friends. (laughs softly) What? Don't look at me like that. I'm screwed up. MARIANNE (voice-over): Hold on one second. Just... I'm in the middle of some bullshit. -Oh. -Can you just put your... put your table down? Oh, sure. And then we'll just... I'll be right back. OK, yeah, take your time, take your time. MARIANNE: Hi. We did... we agreed on it... Albert... (laughs) Because I was there. I was... I remember. Oh, my God. OK. Well, it is. It's all worked out. Yes, it is. OK, fine, good. Bye. God, I cannot wait till I don't have to talk to him anymore. What happened? He thinks he should take Tess to school, not me. Tess wants it to be me, because she told me... -But, I mean-- thank you-- can't you just both take her? I don't think so. No, I don't. He's just... he's such a wreck about her going away that... She doesn't need that kind of energy right now. And he just focuses so much on to her. -She can feel it. -I mean, isn't that kind of nice, though? -Mm. Mm. I mean, that he... focuses? Well, maybe, if he had a girlfriend or something, so it would balance it out. But I don't see that happening, nope. Oh, really? Why n... why not? Because he's a loser. Uh-oh. (anxious laugh) It's such a mean word, but it fits. -How does it fit? -For instance-- and this is typically Albert-- when we were first going out, he had nothing next to his bed. You know, no... no table, nothing. And at first I thought, that's cute, you know, -it's kind of Bohemian and stuff like that. -Yeah. Yeah. So, then we got married, and I went out and I bought these really lovely bedside tables. And then last year, I saw all of his stuff was on the side of his bed again. I mean, I took the tables, granted... but he never went out and replaced them. He's just content to just put his shit on the floor again. You know, metaphorically speaking, he's not building a life for himself. I mean, who would date a person like that? Right. (phone ringing) I'm not picking it up, because... (answering machine beeps) ALBERT (over speaker): Marianne, please pick up the phone. We haven't resolved anything. I know you're there. This is so embarrassing. I'm really sorry. ALBERT: Fine, don't deal with it. (sighs) OK, these are just little things. EVA: Yeah. Ultimately, we just, uh... I never felt understood by him. You know? He didn't get the poetry. He never got me. Has anyone... ever gotten you? I don't know. (laughs): I don't know. What about the flabby guy? How's that? (birds chirping) Yeah. Maybe. But not so you can decide what you think of him. Come on, please? I feel like I'm losing -all perspective here. -Well, exactly. You don't need somebody else's. Would you please just say yes and do this for me, please? WILL (voice-over): Well, they had stars and they had suns and they had moons... I know, I know. I hate those. Yeah! Tell me, why do women insist on things that look like they belong to children? You know what I love? Dollhouse furniture. I would eat it if I could. (laughs) Sometimes I think I wish I was single, just so I could have girlie sheets. -You would love that, wouldn't you? -I have flowery sheets. They're not all they're cracked up to be. I like your flowery sheets. -Ugh! Don't sell me out, man. -Well, we're new-- I'd like her sheets if they had... little Mussolinis on them. (chuckles) Hey, talk to me when you get some night tables. He's got normal sheets, but he doesn't have any night tables. So I don't have night tables. Well, maybe it's a metaphor. Or maybe it's not. I don't know. Do you know, I make a million compromises. It just seems like not having flowery sheets is not a big deal. SARAH: I know. I know you make compromises. WILL: Really? What do you think they are? This is not the time. I'm just saying that, you know, sometimes I wish I was with somebody who was more interested in history. -What? -History. -OK. -I'm just sayin'. -More guacamole? -EVA: No, not for me. Yes, I'd love some, actually. You know how many calories are in guacamole? Ten. (chuckles) -(laughs) -Lay off the guy; he likes his guacamole. You know what? Uh, we don't need the guac! I'll just stick with the cheese. (chuckles) You know what I'm gonna get you as a present? I'm gonna get you a calorie book. Please don't. Yeah. A calorie book as a gift is not so good. So, Eva tells me you're a therapist. Hey, tell us about one of your weirdest patients. -No, I can't, I can't. -She can't. Of course you can. I mean, come on. (Australian accent): You don't have to name names, mate. -No. -So uptight about confidentiality. -Well, shouldn't she be? -Well, you know, I mean... OK, I have this one patient who picks his nose and eats it. -Oh, man! -(Eva groans) -No! -In front of you? -Yes. -Is he a child? -Are you making this up? It is so gross and distracting. He does it this way that he thinks I can't see, but it's so obvious. -And I'm not gonna tell you who it is, but he is famous. -No! -Really famous. -He is not! -I know who it is. -You do? No, you don't. -Uh-huh. I absolutely know. -EVA: Who is it? You've got to tell us. Please, Sarah, tell us. Please! SARAH: I... no, OK... OK, that's it. Show's over. I like being drunk. You know what? I really do think it's highly overrated. -No, underrated! -You're shouting. -I am? No, I'm not. -You are, a little. -OK. I'm sorry. -I don't want to wake up -the... small people. -Oh, sorry. -I'm sorry. -That's all right. (laughs) You want to know something so funny? This one here can't whisper. (laughing) What? Will you do it right now? Will you show 'em? (normal volume): I'm whispering. (laughs): What...? That's whispering. That was a whisper. Huh? What? No, it's not. (whispers): Can I? (whispers): Yeah. That was a whisper. (whispers): What about me? (whispers): Yes, you can whisper. (normal volume): This is whispering. -(laughing) No, it's not. That is not a whisper at all. -You're picking on him. -No, I'm not. -You are. -Huh? No. -Well, you kind of are. -OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've just... never in my entire life have I met anybody who couldn't whisper... at all. (muttering): Whatever. No, no, no, no-- you are not allowed to complain about her anymore. What the fuck is this doing in the drawer? -Cathy? -Yes? -Did you put this in the drawer? -No. Maybe one of the kids did. That actually could be this time. Yeah, but, see, I think you put it there, 'cause I find weird stuff in these drawers all the time. I clean the best I can. I'm just trying to understand the thought process. You like the counters clean. Yeah, but not by shoving weird shit in the wrong drawers. I mean, does the ball belong in the kitchen? How does that help me? That's enough. I think we... You know what, Mrs. Sarah? I find your crap everywhere, and you think I know where to put it? You leave your stuff all over the house. You let your children write in the walls. You flossing your teeth, and you leave it. No, no. You clean your own house. You people disgust me. But you is nice, Mr. Will. Thanks, Cathy. (door slams) It really would have been kinder to fire her. -(crying): Oh, my God. -EVA: Guys? My timing may be a little off... but I think I put the ball in the drawer. (anxious laugh) -Not funny. Are you serious? EVA: Well... (wry laughter) ...that wasn't a very fun evening, was it? God. Yikes. -That Cathy` -Why do you care if I don't know how to whisper? -Huh? -What was that? I mean, that was embarrassing. Oh, I was just joking around. That was complete... nothing. A calorie book? You're gonna buy me a calorie book? OK, well, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm like... (chuckles) I'm not, obviously, gonna buy you a calorie book. I thought you actually liked me. I do like you. Why do I feel like I just spent the evening with my ex-wife? (scoffs) Wait a minute, what are you doing? Are you driving me home? Mm-hmm. Oh. You gonna spend the night? No. Not tonight. OK. (movie playing, low and indistinct) EVA: Oh. -Hi. -Hi, um... Ellen went out with friends, but I didn't really want to go home. Is this OK? (sighs) I'm glad you're here, actually. (Eva groans) I'm always so much more comfortable at your house. (yawns) Huh. You know, um, you would be so welcome to stay in Ellen's room, once she's gone. I mean, you'd have to check with your mom, but the room's gonna be empty. Really? Oh, yeah. That would be awesome. Thank you so much. (chuckles) Sure. Oh, thank you. (laughter on TV) (door closes) (sighs) Um, excuse me, Chloe, but can I have my mom back? Honey, we were just watching something, and I think we've just passed out. (scoffs) For all I know, you'll be asking her to move into my room when I'm gone. -Oh. -I'm sorry. No, no, no... it's not your fault, sweetie. I better go home. Yeah. Honey... (clears throat) ...Chloe is needy. Who's needy? You know... I guess I am... just trying to feel a little bit more separate. You know, to sort of prepare. Mm-hmm. But instead, I just feel lonely and anxious, and... Chloe is always here. I'm so sorry about that. But, Ellen... you know you're my baby. Right, honey? Give Mommy a hug. Will you come sit with me? (drawer closes) Can I see what Daddy and Fran got for you? (quietly): Oh. I'm gonna finish my blanket. Did they get you anything else? Oh. Oh, those are good; they don't take up a lot of room. You're gonna use those. Hey, did you ever get a chance to look at my book? -Oh, I did. -You did? -Yes. Your poems are beautiful. Oh, thank you. -I mean, not that I understand them. -(laughs) -But I like them. Thank you, and I'm sure you understand them. (chuckles) TESS: Mom! Yeah, we're out here. -Hi. -Um, Dad's waiting in the car, but I forgot my phone. Good, because I finally get to introduce you guys. -This is Eva. -Eva. -This is... -Tess. (tentatively): Hi. You guys know each other? -Uh, yeah. -Yeah. -How? We-we know each other. This is Tess. Mom, she's dating Dad. What? You didn't know that? You date Albert? Uh... (chuckles) I'm not sure what's going on right now. I think... Wait a minute. ALBERT: Hello? Marianne? So, I'm sorry to interrupt, but, Tess, we really have to get going. -Hi. -Hi. I don't understand. What-what are you doing here? She-she massages me. We're friends. I thought. ALBERT: You-You're friends with Marianne? I met you... at a party, and you gave me your card. Or, she... I... no, no. I gave you my card. Yes, uh, it was, I think you were at that same party. Yeah, I remember the party. And you met us both. So, what, now you're her masseuse? Yeah. (snorts) For how long? Oh, since we all met. EVA: Well, no, no, I didn't... I didn't know who she was or who you are... were. So... you put it together at some point, right? No. -No? -I mean, I'm sorry, at some point, I'm, um... -When? -I think... -What? -When? When... Um... Hmm. Yeah. -Tess, you got your phone? -Yeah. -All right, why don't we go? (door closes) (sighs quietly) I'm so sorry. Are you OK? Should I not be here? Probably not. Oh, my God. Oh, I screwed up big time. -What happened? -Oh, shit. That's my mom. Huh? EVA: Ooh, boy. Hey, Mom. I'm sorry, do you have a daughter? 'Cause this one's mine. -What? -Who do you think you are, telling her that she should have sex with her boyfriend? EVA: Hey, you know what, all she needs to do -is for you to have her... -OK, you just shut it. Dyke. (laughing) (car door closes) (engine starts) Oh, I didn't tell you about the kitchen remodel. OK, so they finally talked to those guys in Rome about the travertine. Apparently, when they were lifting it from the earth, it, like, snapped or something, so I'm left without... (car lock beeps) (distant dog barking) Uh, is your dad here? He went to the market. Oh. Sorry to just come over like this, but he isn't returning my calls, so... I'll tell him you came by. What are you gonna do with that? Do you want one? Oh, sure. Ooh. -EVA: Oh. -(car door closes) H-Hi. You know how many calories are in that? (chuckles) (door closes) Look, I just want to talk. It, it really was a coincidence, OK? And I wanted it to stop, but she needed massages and we sort of bec... Oh, thank you. We sort of became friends and... I just, I-I didn't know what to do. She needed massages? (chuckles) You knew what to do, you just didn't do it. Well, I was very torn. So while you were, uh, being torn, she was poisoning our relationship and poisoning your perception of me. -(quietly): Yeah. -Now, why would you want that? Uh... I don't know. I... I mean... except maybe that I-I was trying to protect myself, you know, because, you know... ...because we both married before and... ...you know how things can turn out and... What, what about us? What about... protecting us? (quietly): I didn't protect us. And it didn't get poisoned, Albert. I, I still really want us to keep seeing each other. I wouldn't know how, you know. I'm so, so, so sorry. I know this sounds... ...corny, but you broke my heart. And I'm too old for that shit. (chuckles) (sighs) And the worst part... the worst part of it is that you made me look like an idiot in front of my daughter. I'm, I'm the idiot. I'm the idiot. All right, look, I got, I got a lot I got to do. Tess and everything with school. When is she leaving? Next week-- school starts early for her. Yeah, same for Ellen. (anxious sigh) (wry chuckle) I guess we have to get those hobbies going. (laughs) Guess so. Oh, bye. He just really, really liked you. Mm. (voice breaking): I just really, really liked him. (sighs deeply) W-- uh, h-how are you going to know which one is your room, honey? It's all written down. And remember, Mom, we saw everything on our visit. Oh, uh, I don't remember anything. (laughs awkwardly) -I do. -OK. -She's gonna be great. -No, you're gonna be great. (crying): I love you guys. Love you, too. Oh, Dad. -You're gonna be great. Oh, Mom... thank you for being the best mom. EVA (crying, laughing): Oh... oh... Well, we made a fine person. (chuckles): Oh... (birds chirping) (sighs) (sighs) MAN: Hey, Eva. Do you think you can help me? Oh, of course. Oh, my God. I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry. Sorry... is that... Geez, what a... I'm sorry. OK, yeah. This thing's heavy. So we always go to my mother's house for Thanksgiving, and, ugh, I'll get in a fight with my sister and my brother. My sister is, you know, a middle child, so she's got those issues, you know. Anyway, what are you up to? What are you doing? -Huh? -What are you doing for the holiday? Oh, um... oh, I'm, I'm going to my friend's house. It's, it's just gonna be a small group, but... -Hmm, that sounds nice. -Oh, yeah. (car alarm beeps twice) SARAH: Hi, honey. -Oh, hi. Oh, thank you so much. Uh-huh, no problem. God, it really smells good in here. Oh, yeah, I can't smell it anymore. It's unbelievably delicious sound-sounding-- -smelling-- everything. -Are you hungry? (laughs) OK. You excited? Oh, my God, beyond. (chuckles) You think she's gonna look different? Yeah, maybe she grew a beard or something. -(chuckles) You know how it is at Sarah Lawrence. (both laugh) No, she looks the same. I, I Skyped with her yesterday. Actually I think she's gained a little bit of weight, but... What time are you picking her up? Um, not till 2:00. You know, we're eating at 5:00, so you should just come straight here from the airport. OK. Oh, let's use the fancy plates. Um, but you said you don't like them. I know, but it's Thanksgiving. You're supposed to use the ugly plates. -OK, I'll see you, bye. -Mm-hmm. -Bye, Eva. -Bye, Cathy. (sighs) (exhales) (chuckles) Hi. Oh, wow. OK. (car alarm beeps twice) (anxious breath) I... I don't always park in front of your house. I usually just drive by. Sometimes I drive by your house, too. -You do? -Yeah. You look good. -Yeah, you, too. -Oh... (chuckles) Thank you. Is Tess coming home for Thanksgiving? She's already here. She's, she's over at her mother's. -Oh. -I'm gonna go over there later. Mm-hmm. -You want to come? -(laughs) And, uh, Ellen is...? This afternoon. -She's co... she's coming home this afternoon. -Oh. -Oh. -Yeah. Yeah. You been OK without her? Oh, sure, yeah. I mean, she's not going back, 'cause I built a cage. (laughs) Oh, what a good idea. (chuckles) I've missed you. I missed you, too. -EVA: Mm. -(chuckles) I should tell you, I bought some night tables. You did? -No. (both laugh) No, I didn't. OK. That's good. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016