. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 (bell ringing) (whistle blows) (playing the blues) (honking horn) Doh! (screams) (tyres screeching) BOYS: # Glory, glory, hallelujah # # Teacher hit me with a ruler # # I cracked her in the bean with a frozen Jimmy Dean # # And she ain't my teacher no more # # Because she's dead... # Mr Secretary, can you read the minutes of our last meeting? Girls are yucky, seconded and carried. A fart was detected. Martin denied it and so was ruled to have supplied it. Good. Security Officer, anything on the scope? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Hmm. These Batpants have been shredded by the Riddler. No, just your ass. That's what I call my ass. Ooh, Lisa's having a tea party. If I understand the female mind ` and I do ` they're plotting against us. We've got to get audio. Ah... I'm on it. LISA: Janey, more tea? Operation Lady-Bug is a go. Over. Today, Balthazar will tell us about global warming in the land beyond the rainbow. Each year we lose seven species of gumdrops. Lisa, this is your mother. The doctor says your butt's too big. That's not Mom. (gasps) Oh! Someone is spying on us. (grunting) No one told me there'd be pulling. (screaming) Skinned elbows. All right! Time to score some pity. (sobbing): Mom-m-m-my! Don't worry, son. I'll build you a new treehouse ` one so grand, it'll be an affront to God Himself. Can it have a rope ladder you can pull up after you? Can it have a rope ladder you can pull up after you? Only if it's an affront to God. Hey, you passed the lumberyard. Only losers buy wood. We're going to Nature's lumberyard. (Homer laughing) (grunting) Isn't this dangerous? It's OK, Bart. This track has been abandoned since 19... Uh-oh. (whistle blowing) (passengers screaming) Nothing beats flying across the country on a train. I'm impressed that you drew up blueprints, but these are for a go-kart track. Mmm. Did Frank Lloyd Wright have to deal with people like you? Actually, Frank Lloyd Wright endured a lot of harsh criticism. Look, I have no idea who Frank Lloyd Wright is. You said his name two seconds ago. You said his name two seconds ago. I was just putting words together. (coughing) (laughing): I gotcha. Well, two can play at that game. (laughing) Oh, that's it-- you are going down. No! Stop it! (laughing) (muffled chuckles) That treehouse is never gonna get built at this rate. Time to call in the pros. (cowbell clanging) Didst thou hear that, Isaac? Aye. Someone needs the Amish. To the buggymobile! (heroic theme plays) (cowbell clanging) (whistling casually) Oh, the Amish are so industrious... not like those shiftless Mennonites. Roll dem bones. Three craps. Son, that treehouse is gonna be bigger and better than ever. It really restores your faith in helpful weirdos. (lively orchestral music plays) (lively party chatter) Bumblebee Man, mi treehouse es su beehouse. Reverend, love the cassock. Moleman, looking good! Very nice. Did you do the wiring yourself? Heck, no, the Amish did it. Who knows more about electricity than the Amish? (electrical crackling) (screaming) HOMER: Watch your step! Don't panic! By going down the ladder, you're agreeing not to sue! (shrieking) Head burning... legs freezing... middle... very pleasant. Oh, thank God, the dog's here. Pull me free, boy. Don't be scared. You can do it. (fanfare plays) (whimpers) Hey! Where are you going? I'm your pal. I took you for a walk once. (fanfare continues) (coughing) (moaning) Family head-count. Pointy, pointy, spiky, stylish. (gasps) Where's baldy? (Homer gasping) (heroic theme plays) (yowls) (heroic theme continues) (yowling) (miaowing quietly) (snoring) What's the...? What? (screeches) (shrieks) Flames? Searing pain? A black cat? I must be in heaven. Homey, get out of that tree house! Move the net under the window! There's no net! There's no net! (thud) I always thought cats were just for losers who live in apartments until my life was saved by this sweet little kitty. (purrs) Ooh, but as for you, Santa's Little Helper, you are a selfish coward and a bad dog! (whimpering) Get out! And stay out! (whimpering) (clawing at door) . Our little hero sure likes Kahlua and cream. (whimpers) Quit following me, you coward! You heard him, fleabag. Get out of my bar! You're unsanitary. Oh, how precious. The cat's sitting in my dinner. No, no, don't get up, sweetheart. I'll just pick around you. There we go. Mmm... (trumpet fanfare) Long live the hero cat of Springfield. (crowd cheering) I make you lasagne. You eat it up like-a the cat in the funny papers who's-a not so funny. Today I can truly say 'Ich bin eine feline.' And I hereby rename Springfield Dog Park the Snowball II Municipal Cat Park sponsored by Buzz Cola with lemon. Damn, that's a lemony cola. (whimpers) (growling) (whimpers) (purring) Mr Simpson, how long have you been a cat person? All my life, Kent. I prefer catsup to ketchup. And to me, Yusuf Islam will always be Cat Stevens. (chuckles): Terrific stuff. You must really love the Broadway musical Cats. God, no, it sucks. Seems like you're quite the animal lover. Do you have any other pets? A dog, perhaps? Kent, let me make this perfectly clear. I have no dog. (whimpers) Strong words. Strong words from a strange man. Don't worry, boy. We'll get you out of the doghouse. Then you and Dad will be chasing butterflies together again. Here's a role model for you, boy: Rin Tin Tin. He was brave on and off the screen. He was the first openly gay dog in Hollywood. (trumpet fanfare plays) (machine gunfire, barking) (growling) Ach du lieber! He bit me right in the Axis! (dance music playing) See, now, that's the kind of dog you should be. Mailman. (growls) 'Grow a moustache,' says the wife. 'You'll look handsome,' says the wife. (growling continues) Hmm... needs beer. Why you little...! Stop it, Homer, that's inhumane. Use the choke chain. Fine. I want you to sit there, look through the window and watch me eat a ham. Marge, prepare the emergency ham. Marge, prepare the emergency ham. (groans) (sniffs) This is the kind of shot you only get once in a lifetime. Once in a lifetime. H.K. DUFF: Hmm... This photo gives me an idea. We might've found our new Duff spokesperson. He's young, he's slim, and he can stand on his hind legs. Unlike our current spokesman. Ooh. Duffman could use an eye-opener. Take a hike, Duffman. You're a disgrace to the unitard. You're firing me? But what about my children, Duffgirl and Dufflad? Oh, those were one-shot characters in a Super Bowl ad. Oh, yeah. According to this contract, we have to change his name to Suds McDuff. I don't care if his name is Bony McDork, just make the cheques out to me. It also says we will receive royalties in perpetuity, a bottomless keg of beer (gasps): and unlimited use of the Duff corporate jet. Corporate jet? Oh, pilot, let's swing by... oh, Heidelberg and drop in on Oktoberfest. (screams) Sweet. Welcome back to the family, boy. Dad, five minutes ago you hated him. Who are you, my biographer? (wacky clown music playing) Krusty, our animal today is the Toxic Pricker Snake. Very good. Now let me stand on my mark, between the snake and its baby. (yelling) Cut to commercial! (wacky clown music plays) Hey, boy, this is your commercial. Houston, we have a problem. This place is dullsville. Da. How can you get a buzz chewing freeze dried beer? Wha...? Huh? It's Suds McDuff. With a shuttlecraft of genuine draft. (laughs): Whoo! Cool party. ANNOUNCER: Duff. The official beer of NASA ` National Association of the Sellers of Alcohol. Yay! Yay! Yay! Why does a dog have human girlfriends? People do crazy things in ads... like eat at Arby's. Eight, nine, ten wads of cash. Your dog has sent Duff beer sales through the roof. Boy, you're now second best in the family, right ahead of Marge. (barks) (door opens) There you are, old pal. I finally found you. Who the hell are you? I'm this dog's owner. I raced him at the greyhound track under the name Santa's Little Helper. Good times. Well, he's not yours any more. You threw him out on Christmas Eve. Yeah, don't listen to him, Mr Duff VII. We took this dog in and loved him, and that makes him ours. Oh, really? Well, this tape says different. Kent, let me make this perfectly clear. I have no dog. Dad, you can't let him take our dog. (gasps): My wads! I never even broke the wrapper. (sobbing) Who's gonna eat my homework now? OK, boy, fetch! What do you do for fun? So, Suds, you're looking great. What, did you have a bath or something? Look at me, I'm talking to a dog. So, what do you think? If I keep talking over here Kelly can't jump in, right? Come on, Suds, toss me a bone. Poor Santa's Little Helper, he's overworked. Suds, I hear you're doing game shows now. Gelman, roll the clip. (barking) Uh... things you buy in a dime store. Famous first ladies. Things your toothbrush might say. (excited yell) And later that day, you had a book signing. That guy exploits his pets worse than Bob Guccione. Well, I'm afraid the law is clear, and Dad did renounce all claim to ownership. But I miss him. He was my best friend. (sobbing) Aw, there, there, boy. I'll help you get him back. He may have been a dirty, stinkin' coward, but show me a Simpson that isn't. I'm not a coward. (crazed yell) All right, you're not a coward. And that's beside the point, because... (crazed yell) Look, to get our dog back, we need a plan. A plan, eh? (crazed yell) OK, we'll use a plan. MARGE: This is where Duffman lives now. But I'm sure we should go in there. Mom, we need him for our plan. I'm sorry. We have a six-month residency limit. Yeah, well, old Gil's gonna surprise you. I'll make something of myself, you'll see. Hey. What do you use for anaesthetic? A big mallet? Gee, I'm starting to have second... (loud blow) (two loud pops) Look, there's Duffman. (with normal voice): OK, if you have six litres of blood, and your blood is 80% alcohol, how much alcohol do you have? Anyone? Hey, Duffman. Please, I'm not... (as Duffman): Duffman... (normal voice): any more. Just plain old Barry Duffman. Oh, yeah. But we need you to be Duffman again so we can get our dog back. But I like it here, helping the less fortunate. It'll be cold day in hell before I shill beer again. Icy cold, full-bodied... (as Duffman): beachwood-aged, amber-hued, day in... Oh, who am I kidding? Where's my trademark headgear? (cheering) You really are Duffman. Then I must be Jesus. Up, up and away! (glass breaking) (body thuds) (groaning) Stay cool, hopeless drunks. Oh, yeah! Here's how we're going to get our dog back. Dad will pretend to drown and call for Suds McDuff to save him. But he won't because he's too cowardly. Oh yeah! Once again Duffman's mug will the only one you chug... a lug. Give it a rest, Barry. (with normal voice): Sorry, sorry. Now, to honour America, Navy paratroopers will jump from their planes and crown Suds McDuff, King of Six-Packistan. All hail his royal Duffness. This stunt cost $50 million. Help! Help! I'm drowning! Uh-oh, who will save that poor fat man? I know who will save him, the bravest dog in the world ` Suds McDuff. (whimpering) (crowd booing) That dog is a coward. And I know cowards. Mother, I served in 'Nam. And you've been bitching about it for 30 years. (chuckles) Everything is going according to plan. I'll just keep thrashing around like an injured seal. (imitates seal barking) Now's your chance, Duffman. You can save my dad and look like a hero. Don't send a Duff dog to do a Duffman's job! Hold on, sir. Soon you'll be filling your lungs with Duff, Duff Lite or new Duff Blue ` tap into the peppermint glacier. (whimpering) (yells) (with normal voice): Are you there, God? It's me... (as Duffman): Duffman! Now let me think ` how did that beautiful, young, naked lady in Jaws make it out alive? (all gasping) (groaning) Check it out, that shark's wasted. He's gone from predator to partier. (all laughing) The crowd's going crazy for that shark. Guys want to be him, girls think they can change him. Everyone, say hello to our new mascot, Duff McShark. CROWD (chanting): Duff McShark! Duff McShark! Duff McShark! Well, Suds, looks like you're no good to me any more. Ah, you might as well be with a loving family. (affectionate whimpering) Oh, I missed you so much, boy. It's good to have you back with the Simpsons. I'm sorry I was ever mean to you. Marge, prepare the celebration ham. All we have left are the earthquake ham and the condolence ham. Marge, they're just hams, OK? Well, boy, now that we've got you back, I'm never going to let you go again. Uh-oh, Dad. I think he peed on the rug. (chuckles) To me, that says 'I love you.' And I think he left a 'big hug' in your lunch box. It's probably that stupid cat. That cat saved your life. What has he done for me lately? He woke you up when you stopped breathing last night. Yeah, but he ate the last can of tuna. Dad, you ate the last can of tuna. Dad, you ate the last can of tuna. Everyone's against me. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016