1 IMS Subtitles. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015. Boxers! Not one step further. The Keeper of the Imperial Seal. Just the man I was looking for. A woman. You Chinese are very progressive. (GASPS) A gift from an old friend. Wu Chan! He wanted me to send his regards. Father? (GASPS) Father! The seal. You must... get it back. I promise. Give this to your brother. What are you reading? Oh... Roy O'Bannon vs the Mummy. It's incredible. Roy takes out the mummy's army of zombie Confederate soldiers, with one bullet. That's impossible. It's not. Roy figured out the physics of the canyon, ricocheted a bullet off the wall. Nailed them through the heart. What about The Shanghai Kid? He was knocked out while polishing Roy's pearl handles. Don't worry. Roy'll save him from being a human sacrifice. Those stories are all lies. No, it says right here on the back. "Author Sage MacAllister bases his stories on first-hand accounts." Sorry, Sheriff. No princess. Every day, you meet the stage and it's always the same. She's not coming back. Pei Pei's married to her work in San Francisco. Modern women. Sheriff. You've got a parcel. Maybe it's from her. No, it's from my sister in China. Fido. I know. I must go. Stay here and be a good horsey for the new sheriff. Erm, Sheriff? That stage is headed east. Isn't China kinda west to here? I'm not going to China. To New York. Roy invested my money. Is it true that he lives in a penthouse at the top of the Ritz surrounded by beautiful women? That's the old Roy. He's married, settled down. Trust me. He's changed. So there we were, completely outnumbered. I knew we didn't stand a chance. So I sent the Shanghai Kid and the princess out the back. He was so frightened. He forgot to thank me for saving his life. I'm used to that. Now, I returned to the front. I counted to three and I burst out of the mission, pearl handles blazing, lead flying everywhere. And not a single bullet touched me. No! What about the Emperor's gold? We divided it up. I insisted on giving my share to the Indians. They're savages. Please don't ever call those noble people savages. If wanting to ride around naked all day makes you a savage, then, by God, you're drinking with a savage. (LAUGHTER) VOICEOVER: You brush your teeth twice a day, right? Mm-hm. But 80% of bacteria aren't even on teeth. (RECORD SCRATCHES) 80%?! Colgate Total fights bacteria on teeth, tongue, cheeks and gums, protecting 100% of your mouth's surfaces. Colgate Total - for whole mouth health. 1 And that is what you call a French toast. You're so sophisticated, Mr O'Bannon. Whoo! Who's up for some more bubbly? Reach for the sky, Roy. Say that again. Reach for the sky, Roy. Chon Wang! Why, you sly son of a gun! Look at you! And you! What brings you to New York? My share of the gold. Refresh my memory. What gold? The Emperor's gold. That gold is in what the Wall Street pros call a long-term investment. We can't touch it. It's building. I need it now. You just got here. Let's celebrate. I have no time. My father's been killed. Oh... Chon, I'm... You need money to get back for the funeral? I must go to England. The ship leaves tonight. England? My sister followed the murderer to London. Wait. Murder... I'm a bit mixed up. Let me get the facts straight. You have a sister? You never told me. Is she pretty or does she look like you? Roy. I need my money. I don't like that tone. After all we went through, would I stiff you? If you hadn't noticed, I'm doing pretty well for myself. Yeah. I'm sorry, Roy. That's OK. You're having a tough time. Be more trusting, OK? Look at me. It's Roy. Table five is ready to order. Do you work here? No. But these guys are wearing a similar jacket. Roy. Here's your cut of tips. It's the craziest thing. I guess... because I come in so much, they mistake me for a waiter. You lost the gold. Not all of it. Where's the rest? I have one word for you. Zeppelin. I need my money now! Easy, easy. Will you do anything for it? I must leave tonight. OK. Take this key. Go to the room. Get cleaned up. Your old pal Roy's got a plan. Go! Come on! Howdy, big boy. (WOMAN GASPS) There's a woman who wants me to sleep with her! Yes. I told her the Great Wall ain't the only big thing from China. Why did you say that? For the money. I won't sleep with women for money. Why? I'm sleeping with her for it. Chon, go in there, do your business and think of your sister in England. What?! (WOMAN) Roy! Duty calls. Roy! Good evening, Mr Mayor. Where are they? Who? My daughters. Tenth floor. Roy? Roy, you've got trouble. Roy? I just have to check on something. New plan. We've got to go. What are you doing? Fixing her back. Put her down, you decadent philistine! Jeez, Chon. Come on, let's go. Bye-bye. Come on. What's going on? I don't have time to explain. All that matters is bad men are after us, but I'm in the right. Roy! Come on. You've got to trust me on this one. OK. I'm in a transitional phase in my life right now, but... But what? You want to know the truth? I'm a little lost right now. I see you, your sense of purpose. Look at me. I'm a 30-year-old waiter gigolo. Where's the future in that? So what's the plan? You are always my compass. You ask the right questions. The plan? The plan I think is to find the right woman. Raise children, teach them values. No, Roy. The plan to get out of here. OK. The plan. Here we go. Cops. Cops! They can help us. Not these. These are dirty cops. They take advantage of people. If they stop us, remember, I am not Roy O'Bannon. Who are you? I'm your friend Smoky Desperado from the West. And who am I? You? You're Benny Hana. Benny Hana. You teach crippled children yoga in the city. OK. You go first. No! Why me? Because you blend in, OK? Now, go. Don't let them see you. Benny Hana. Hey! Hey! Psst! Chon! Stop wasting time. You. I found our ticket out of here. We're on our way. Old Roy came through again, just like old times. (SHIP'S HORN) Yeah. Just like old times. Forget the gold a second. You'll have more money than ever when that first zeppelin takes off. You'll have more money than ever when that first zeppelin takes off. Why do I always believe you? What do you mean? You're lucky I didn't invest in that ridiculous automobile idea. Yeah, that's gonna make a lot of money! (WHIMPERS) What's that? Doghouse. I'm in the doghouse. Come on, Chon. I'm sorry I lied. I just didn't want to disappoint you. That's exactly what I mean. I can't take that look. I learned it from my father. That's how he used to look at me. What did he do? An imperial guard? No. Much more important. He was the keeper of the Imperial Seal. That's why I love China. Job descriptions sound so cool. The seal is a symbol of the Emperor's power since Genghis Khan. It has been passed from one emperor to another. My family have watched over it for 12 generations. 12 generations? My father and I used to skip stones across the moat and talk about a day I will follow in his footsteps. I was his only son. If I had been there, I could have protected him. But you were 3,000 miles away. What's with that little box? My sister sent it to me. From my father. There's a message inside. What's it say? It's a puzzle box. I cannot open it yet. Get a hammer and smash it open so you can see what it says. I must have patience. When I'm able to open it, I will be ready to read the message. Come on, Confucius. That's just corny! Let me see this. (SIGHS) You know what? We're gonna go to England. We'll find your dad's killer and get the seal. There's no reward. Who said reward? I'm talking about friendship, loyalty, honour. OK? Thank you, Roy. And I hear England is ass soup. A lot of pretty girls there. (BIG BEN CHIMES) The first order of business, my lords, is a report from our esteemed friend Lord Rathbone, who recently returned from a diplomatic mission to China. Fellow lords, I'm afraid I bring disturbing news from the Orient. Opium wars have ravaged the land. The Emperor's enemies are organising. The most vicious are the Boxers, a godless band of rebels who murder without discretion. China is not well. I have brought back an envoy who should give us some insight into the inscrutable mind of the Chinese. (ANIMAL ROARS) Given to Her Majesty Queen Victoria by the Emperor to recognise 50 glorious years on the throne. Long live the Queen. 1 # England swings like a pendulum do. # Bobbies on bicycles two by two. # Westminster Abbey, the tower of Big Ben. # The rosy red cheeks of the little children. # Jack the Ripper strikes again! Extra, extra! Read all about it! Howdy, partner. The English are not very friendly. They're just sore losers. What did they lose? A little thing called the American Revolution. I've never heard of it. They came over with about a million men. We had farmers with pitchforks who beat them like a drum. (HORSE NEIGHS) Hey! Hey! I'm walking here! You're driving on the wrong side of the road! Bunch of amateurs. These people don't get it. Hello, ladies. (WOMEN GIGGLE) Look at you. I'm not supposed to notice a pretty lady? I thought you wanted a family. I do, Chon. I just hope I can. Why not? I worry that all the horseback riding I did in the West, bouncing up and down on a hard saddle, might have made it so my salmon don't swim upstream as they should. What? I might be shooting blanks. Oh. Don't say anything. Roy, it's OK. Some people are not meant to have a family. I've always had such a special connection with children. Hey! Watch it, you little punk! Pardon me, guv. Have you gents lost your way? Yeah. We're looking for my sister. She's staying at 32 Oxford Street. I know it well. My old man used to live there. Can you show us the way? Well, my memory's a little dodgy. But with five bob, I could get you there. We're not a pair of Okies from Moskogee. Go on. Sell your bullshit someplace else. Thanks for the tip, guv. Hey! I stole that from my uncle! What? This way. C'mere, rubbish-eater! I told you about poncing on our turf, Charlie! I'm on the straight and narrow! What's this, then? After I'm done with you, you'll wish you never left the workhouse! Leave the boy alone. Bloody tourists. Keep your noses out. Do what you want to the kid, but that's my watch. Well, there's a load of us and only two of you. So piss off! Easy. You've lost one war. Don't make the same mistake twice. (WHISTLES) Come on! After him! Hey! There he is! We've got him now. Come on. Move in, lads. (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) No, no! Wait! Wait! Wait! Come on, get him! Up the bloody ladder. Go on! Come on, lads! Hey! Hey! Watch it! Hey! (GASPS) Come here, you! Move it! # ("Singin' In the Rain") (SCREAMS) You. Did you see that? It was OK. OK? My kung-pao chicken. I clothes-lined the sucker. (POLICE WHISTLE) Come on. Get back. Clear away. Come on. Make way. I think you gentlemen should accompany me back to the Yard. This isn't a yard. It's a jail! Roy, calm down. Unbelievable. (FOOTSTEPS) Someone's coming. I'll handle it. No! The English aren't like you. They don't get all touchy-feely. Do me a favour. Park the kung fu. Let me do the talking. Come here. Let me give you a hug. I've wanted the Fleet Street gang for two years. You come along and bring them down in a single afternoon. Brilliant. That's my watch. An urchin turned it in. Punk better not have scuffed it. I do hope your luck picks up. What do you mean? I deduce from your watch you've hit a rough patch. How do you know? It's a technique I've developed. I can deduce details about an individual through close scrutiny of their effects. What else can you tell? The owner of this watch... is a bad gambler and a lousy shot. He's cheated death several times, but spends his life wandering in a rather pathetic search for purpose and respect. Oh, yes. He has a penchant for loose women. Wow! That's amazing. I'm sure it's a popular party trick at birthdays for children, but it doesn't play with adults. Get it straight, Roy O'Bannon is not attracted to loose women. They are attracted to me. You're Roy O'Bannon? Yeah. The famous Western folk hero? Have you heard of me? Heard of you? I've read Roy O'Bannon vs the Mummy five times! It's fascinating! Meet The Shanghai Kid. Yes. The faithful Chinese sidekick. I'm not a sidekick. Those stories are all lies. Hey. Come on. I can't help what Sage MacAllister writes. If there's anything I can do, I'm at your service. We're looking for my sister. She's at this address. Can you take us there? Oh, dear. I think you'd better come with me. (GASPS) Hey! Lin? Wang? (GROANS) Erm, if you don't mind, I'll just wait outside. Introduce me. This is Lin, my baby sister. Roy O'Bannon. Pleasure. You never told me your sister was such a... beautiful lotus blossom. What did she say? No talking about me in your native tongue. Why are you in jail? I followed the men who murdered Father. And? I found out where they live. I got in his house and tried to kill him. It's my duty to find his killer. No, it is mine. I promised Father. But I'm his only son. When you abandoned us for America, Father said he had no son. What? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Time out. Come here. Look. The detective's a fan. Why don't I play the celebrity card and get her out that way? OK? Come on. Don't worry. I'll get you out. Everything's going to be OK. I'm going to give you my good-luck cards. Just ignore the naked ladies. Wang. Have you opened Father's box? Not yet. She tried to murder Lord Rathbone whilst he was taking afternoon tea. He's tenth in line to the throne, Her Majesty's favourite cousin and the finest swordsman in England. The press had a field day. It knocked Jack the Ripper off the front page. Artie, Lin is not a killer. Just a really hot, confused Chinese girl. Maybe if I sign a few autographs, talk to some of my fans here in England, do a charity event, can we get her out that way? Out of the question. What will happen to Lin? She'll be tried and probably locked up in an institution for the insane. The tabloids dubbed her Loony Lin. Thought it was rather catchy. At the time. MAN: Look around. As the Favourites come out, it begins. Observing with an eagle eye. Mastering the art of stashing. Oh, brilliant move, Gran! Cadbury Favourites. 1 (CAR HORN BEEPS) Have you any idea what would happen if we were seen together? Since your return, I am yet to see the Imperial Seal. I'm hosting a Jubilee ball at my estate tomorrow. Be at the stables at midnight. As requested, a token of my esteem. This is where you get out. I hope there will be more trust between us when I am emperor and you the new king. Wow, Buckingham Palace! Look at that, Chon. That's where the Queen lives. Look at this guy! A royal guard. He has a very important job. I used to be like him. No, no. They're more a tourist attraction. You make faces, insult 'em, they can't move a muscle. Watch. Roy! No, no. It's OK. Hey, buddy. Your shoes are untied. That is the biggest damn beaver I have ever seen. Roy, stop it. The Queen! Look, the Queen! She's mooning us! He almost went for that. We came over from America. You've heard of it? We run your jerkwater country. You gonna take that from a colonial? Roy, stop it. I bet you are one hell of a damn poker player. No hard feelings. (YELLS) They can't do that! You're not allowed. Shouldn't have touched him. Scram, you punk. I've got friends at Scotland Yard. Did you get your watch? Don't worry about my watch. Go on. It's a knock-off, you know. My uncle stole this watch from President Lincoln. It's a priceless heirloom. The pawnbroker disagrees. You should not steal. If I don't steal, I don't eat. By the way, who showed you how to do that kicking and punching? My father. You heard of those? We have parents that love us. You don't. Orphan! Go on, you make us look bad. You cramp our style. (THUNDER) This country blows. Do you need a place to stay? Come on in and warm your dogs. You can get into trouble breaking into a place like this. That being said, well done. You just took the last chocolate. Of course I did. Look out for number one, kid. I could really get used to this. Living the life of a country gentleman. Doing a little painting. Let Lin play in the garden with the children, Vera, Chuck and Dave. Who's Lin? Lin's the most beautiful woman I've ever met. She's going to be the saviour the House of O'Bannon. Chon, check out the threads. All I need is a loyal hound at my feet. We're wasting time. We must find Rathbone. You think I've just sat here drinking expensive hooch? Boy, refill. I've been working on a plan. Now... Whoa! Don't slosh the brandy. It messes with the bouquet. Sod off. This is a skill to get you off the street. Be a bartender... Roy! The plan. Thank you, Chon. Now I figure, if we find the seal, we can prove Rathbone killed your dad. It's the old Hail Mary play. I also have a version where we dig a tunnel. Hey! Bloody catapult. Jesus! You don't need a catapult. Who asked you? Don't interrupt grown-ups. 'Lord Nelson Rathbone requests your company at the Jubilee Ball 'in honour of Her Majesty's 50th year on the throne.' Sounds good. It doesn't address the issue of security. We can't waltz into the castle. We can't waltz into the castle. All you need is a proper disguise. I do like a good disguise. I look like a fool. What? You're a Maharaja, Indian royalty. I'm Chinese. It's the same thing. Bob your head a little bit. It gives you an Indian royalty flavour. That's good. Good show, good show. Good show. Cheerio. Cheerio. What do we do when we see Rathbone? Kill him. No, OK? No. You'll be civil. We don't have the seal. No seal, no Lin, no family honour. OK? Be cool. OK. We look great. Let's enjoy this party. What are you doing? Going in. This place is haunted. You're the harness man. Get back in the carriage and wait there. You don't always get what you want. Why are you so mean to that boy? I see a lot of myself in that kid. It's kind of freaking me out. Come on. Your name, please, sir. So I can announce you. Sherlock... Holmes. Sherlock Holmes. Which province do you represent, Highness? Nevada. May I present Major General Sherlock Holmes and His Highness the Maharaja of Nevada. How are the security arrangements, Inspector? Everything's going swimmingly, my lord. If I may say so, it is an honour to guard Your Lordship. I speak for all of us at Scotland Yard when I say no matter how far you are from the throne, you're number one in our hearts. OK, here's the plan. We get a little chow and then we sneak out of here and look for that seal. OK. Spotted dick, sir? What? Spotted dick. I'm getting something to eat and he's asking if I've got the clap. I think he's offering you food. Oh! Spotted dick. I think I'll pass. I'm not really a dessert man. My friend might like some spotted dick. I might try a sausage, though. Smoky Joe. Mm! This is good! I thought the food here was supposed to suck. The haggis is fresh from Scotland. Made from the finest sheep's bladders. I'm gonna get some whiskey and wash my mouth out. You should try the quail. I shot them myself this morning. How do you do, Your Lordship? Very well, thank you. I'm not acquainted with the Nevada province. But I was last in India in '81. I spend more time in the Orient. I hear you just returned from China. You are well informed, Maharaja. It is my dream that the Chinese will follow India's example and embrace British rule. The Chinese are very proud. They place family and honour above all else. Well, I'm sure we can break them of that. Excuse me. I have a matter to attend to. Until we meet again. Patience, patience. I'm proud of you. We must find the seal. What do you see? Shh. He just pulled a fancy dragon out of his desk. That was my father's! I must avenge his honour. Slow down, tiger. Slow down. Quit going all Chinese on me. Where is he? Damn it, Chon. Remember your puzzle box. Patience, patience. OK, no windows and we used the only door. That leaves one explanation. Remember in Roy O'Bannon vs the Mummy how the Zombie King got away? There's a passage behind the sphinx. There's got to be a lever or a button. Here. Help me lift some stuff up. Roy, the painting. It's looking at me. Look! It's looking at me, too. Great. No, real eyes! Moving. That kid got to you, didn't he? Unbelievable. It's a technique an artist uses. Ubiquitous gaze, or pursuing eyes, technically. It's unnerving, though. I'll give you that. Roy. Now, those eyes... Look! Whatever you say, Chon. What have you got here, Rathbone? Roy! Chon, are the statues moving now? 1 Wow. Roy! I can't even hear myself think with you shouting at me, Chon. Chon? Chon? Chon? This is ridiculous. If you want to play games, find someone else. I take this stuff seriously. I'm here to work. I'm on a mission. Chon? OK, Chon. OK, you little Chinese otter, let's play. (SCREAMS) Chon, a demon! She's gonna fight my battles for me. Come on, let's go. What? What are you doing? It's kinky. I like it. Wow! Look at this. Something's different about this room. Huh? Ah! Hey! Let's go! Chon, for God's sakes. Now he shows up. I found it. Wait, Chon. You want to hear? The seal's gone. (WIND) Quickly. Roy. Are we going to come back? Roy! (CRACK!) Must you keep doing that? I was taught not to be seen or heard. The seal. I am a man of my word. I remember watching my brother play with this like a baby rattle. When I tried to touch it, the Dowager Empress beat me. No doubt your deprived childhood made you the man you are today. Wu Chan. Wu who? He's the Emperor's bastard brother. Banished from the Forbidden City for trying to steal the seal. Father caught him. He vowed to return to claim the throne. This guy? I assume it's arranged as discussed. There's no need to worry. It's all in place. That diamond is as big as a damn monkey's paw. Roy, don't even think about it. I'm just admiring the craftsmanship. So, for now, our business is completed. Where's Lin? Hey! Hey! Gotcha. Just looking out for number one. No! The kid got the seal. Chon! It's stuck. Lin! Go! You can do it! She's got it. She's got it. She's got it! Roy! Come on! Chon, what in our history together makes you think I can do that? Roy! I can't do that! Hurry up! Wait. There's a better way. Yeehaa! Yeehaa! Slow down! I'm a bat out of hell! And I can't find the brake. What? Look out! Slow down, buddy. Relax. Smooth sailing from here. (BOTH) Nooo...! (CRASH) Yes. These are the men who attacked me. I'm afraid the assailants have temporarily eluded us, my lord. Perhaps you could explain to me how Loony Lin managed to escape the confines of Scotland Yard under the watch of the most respected police force in the world. Yes, of course. It's absolutely fascinating. She picked the lock using a deck of rather risque playing cards then scaled the walls with a mop, a fork and various pilfered undergarments. We have to hand it to the Chinese. They're awfully ingenious. Does your incompetence know no bounds? Oh my God! SHOUTS: Yeah! I'll probably drop Libby home after dance. I'll be home a little bit after 10, not too late. Yeah, all good, love. # Na, na, na, na. PHONE CHIMES Hey, the others wanna hang out. Um... GIRLS LAUGH ALL SING: # It's time to cut and run. This time I'm really done. # GIRL SQUEALS Oh my God! SHOUTS: Yeah! TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS, GIRLS CHATTER HORN BLARES, GIRLS SHRIEK, LAUGH (SIGHS) 1 # It's the time of the season # when love runs high. # In this time, give it to me easy # and let me try... Where am I? Lin. I don't even know these women. Lin, what are you doing here? Oh, Lord! Do you want to try the position on page 37? Come on, you little minx. Baaa! What...? (SCREAMS) You OK? No, I'm not. I've been violated by a barnyard animal. Who would leave a pile of stones in the middle of a field? I don't know, Chon. These people are nuts. Come on. Can I tell you something? What? This is a hell of an adventure we're on and I'm having a ball with you. Me, too. Here we go. Here we go. Get your thumb out, Maharaja. Over here. Excuse me. (BOTH) Lin? My shoulder's getting a little tight. This is your first time in England, isn't it? Yet you know your way around? Incredible. I always had a good sense of direction. You can say that again. I wish we could say the same about you know who. I sent him over a mountain. He was lost forever. One time, I sent him over the Great Wall. He was lost for three days. Three days? No! Gosh. We've got a lot in common. I've never met anybody like you, Roy. Really? Yeah. Can I tell you something without you getting offended? What? You have a great body. There. I said it. It's out in the open. You must work out. Me? Excuse me. What are you doing? I don't like the back seat. It makes me... sick. Dizzy. Whitechapel. This looks like a nice enough neighbourhood. What is Puss'n'Boots? A boarding house. The sailors on the ship recommended it. I won't let my sister stay here. Where can we go? The Savoy? We'll be arrested on arrival. I don't mind this place. See? A little open-minded. It sounds crazy, I just met her, but I think I'm falling for her. I think she's the one. Roy, she's my baby sister. I know she is. Thank God. That's my only chance. I'm launching Operation Sweep Her Off Her Feet. You're in a position to talk me up. Can I count on you? Please, buddy? Sure, Roy. I'll tell her the truth. Don't get hung up on it. Feel free to smooth my rough edges. I love you, buddy. Lin. Come. Sit. (KNOCKING) Hello, love. Fancy a tumble? Where were you two days ago? I would have bedded you in a second. Now I'm a changed man. I'm saving myself for someone special. I'll give you a discount. That's the most romantic thing any woman's ever said to me. You'd better go. Go before we lose control. If you change your mind... Roy! Lin, our father would talk about the right man for you. He must be strong, courageous and a good father. Like Roy. We got her, Chon. Not like Roy. You don't know him like I do. He has many bad habits. Such as? He drinks, smokes and he gambles. Where are you going with this? He sleeps with women for money. What the...? Roy doesn't do that. I can see inside him. He has a good heart. That's right. His salmon don't swim upstream. He shoots blanks. Lin, he cannot be trusted. How could you say that? You're his friend. Yeah, yeah. Sort of. Roy is a friend you never introduce to other friends or bring home to your family. He never tells the truth. Know what I call him? Not Roy O'Bannon. Roy O'Baloney. I don't care. Lin, I forbid it. You are not my father. Roy, there you are. Hi. Mm-hmm. You need anything, buddy? A whole lot of leave-me-alone. What's wrong? Nothing. Woke up on the wrong side of bed. Pain in my back like someone put a knife there. I'm OK. Don't worry about me. Roy. Ta-dah! That reminds me of a trick. Ever seen this one? Or this one! You think you're so cool with your karate and childlike reflexes. (SCREAMS) Roy, are you OK? Look at you. Do you really call me Roy O'Baloney? You don't understand. You just smashed my puzzle box. I'll never figure out my message. Roy. Go. You're dead to me. I don't know a Chon Wang. What the...? (ALL) Hi, Roy! Who loves you, baby? Nice try, Chon. Roy. I'm sorry. You do that again and you're a dead man. Pillow fight! I am Roy O'Baloney! Yes! I'm full of it! You are! (MUFFLED COMMOTION) Roy? Lin! It was his idea. Chon! Clothes! Nice night for a walk. Lin! Lin, there you are. What are you doing? Don't you know there's a serial killer on the loose? Forget it. Who the hell are these guys? Boxers. What do they want with us? They're with me. I think we need to have a little chat. Chon Wang. The man defied an Emperor. The Emperor should never have spared you. Ha. I see. You are still my brother's lapdog. I'm here not for him. I'm here for my father. Of course you are. It was my dagger that plunged into his heart. It's still crusted with his blood. I know the boy has the seal. Where is he? We don't know. That's the truth. We don't. What are you...? What are you doing? Stop! Put her down! Put her down! Or what, Mr O'Bannon? Are you going to kick my ass? I've read about your ridiculous exploits. I mean, just how does it feel to kill a mummy with your bare hands? Only a nation of uneducated rednecks would be amused by such drivel. Whoa! Easy. What's with the personal attacks? Am I making comments about your pasty complexion or your snotty accent or even your filthy, smutty sex books. Your book disgusted me... (SCREAMS) Why is it always the head with you people? Hold it! Stop! Hold it! Just hold it. What are we doing? Guys, look at this. We're acting like animals. Over what? Some seal. The seal represents Imperial power. I will use it to unite the Emperor's enemies and storm the Forbidden City. What's in it for you? I'm the future king of England. You're, like, 20th in line. Tenth. But my friend will change all that by a simple process of elimination. It's called a machine gun. The first of its kind. 200 rounds a minute. A testament to British ingenuity. So you steal the seal and then you knock off nine royals? You got the short end of that stick. Dump them in the river. Where are you taking her? To make history. I can already see the headlines. "Nation mourns as Loony Lin massacres royal family." I need your assurance that you will find the seal. Don't concern yourself. My men are scouring the city. You'd better pray they find it. Or our agreement is over and you will never get the crown. Chon, I got a confession to make. You are in love with my sister. Well, that, but I didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins. No? No. I blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels. I wrote 'em. Sage MacAllister wrote them. That's what I mean. I'm Sage MacAllister. You wrote those lies? I have low self-esteem. How many did you print? I published a million copies. We were second to the Bible that year. You! I guess I'm just about the worst friend a guy could ask for. No, you are a good friend. Thank you. If you really love Lin, I won't stand in your way. Really? But, if you break her heart, I'll break your legs. That's fair. Well, friends to the end, Chon. And this is the end. You got a plan? You wouldn't happen to have a plan? Yes. Anything I can do? No. Good. I'll let you do the heavy lifting. (SHOUTS IN CHINESE) Chon, hurry. Chon! Chon! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Chon, hurry! Chon! Chon! It's dirty, Chon! It's so dirty! No, no! It's dirty! No! Go ahead and drown me. I don't care any more. Chon! Roy! (KNOCKING) You look ridiculous. I think we look good. I really must protest this intrusion. Every bobby in London is out scouring the streets for you two. Are you drunk? I always drink when my employment's terminated. They fired you? Lord Rathbone saw to that. I'm sorry. Ohhh...! It's of no consequence. I never wanted to be an inspector. It was my father's idea. I always wanted to be a writer. Yeah. Artie, we need your help. Rathbone has taken Lin. He plans to kill the royals and become king. Do you have any evidence to support these preposterous allegations? We have this. It's the boy's. Use your technique. Tell us where he is. Paraffin wax. Most interesting. He's at a church. The punk's hiding in a church. No. It's not candle wax. I have it! This doesn't work. You'll get it. What's he doing? Picking the lock. Hurry up. Chon, please. It's very meticulous work. Let Artie do his job. It's an art. Takes the precision of a surgeon. You have to be so precise. What if we jam another one in there? That works, too. Lacks a certain finesse. Right. Let's split up. Ugh! Ugh! # (PIANOLA PLAYS) What the...? I am going to break your neck. Come here! (SNEEZE) Look here! Where is it? What? You know what I mean. Don't give me that. What have we got here? Oh, yes. You don't mind if I take this back, do you? Go on. Get out of here. Go! Roy? I got it! Give me the seal. Give me the seal! (POLICE WHISTLE) Let's go. The gig's up. So what are we going to do? Come on. I'm not going to an English prison. With my blond hair and Chon's athletic build, we'll be belles of the ball. Forget it. I'm not going. Well, at least you'll get a good view of the fireworks from Scotland Yard. Fireworks? Fireworks? Yeah. At midnight, they launch a display from barges on the Thames. It's the official kick-off to the Jubilee. Is the royal family going to be there? They're gonna be viewing the spectacle from a balcony near the river. He's got a machine gun on the barge. Yes. (THUD) You gents lost your way? Tell me you got a way out. Nice move, kid. Why did you come back? Why did you give up the seal? Because I'm a fool. I guess I'm a fool, too. Well, put her there, fool. I never got your name. The name's Chaplin. Charlie Chaplin. (FANFARE) (CHEERING) Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, please. You warn the royal family. I'll see to this. How are you going to do that? (CHIMES) You OK? I just saved you. You were late. What? Nelson? Why are you hiding there? I don't want to impede your view. Nonsense. You arranged this. You take a good view. I regret that, respectfully, I must decline. I need to keep a good eye on proceedings. Nelson, you've outdone yourself. Wait till you see the finale. Hey! (SHOUTING IN CHINESE) This is hopeless. We'll never get past the guards. Not with that attitude. Come on, there's got to be a way. (HORSE NEIGHS) (LIN SCREAMS) Lin! (DISTANT NEIGH) Yeehah! Yeehah! We've got to jump it. Watch out! 1 Hold it right there, Rathboner. I guess, by your retreat, you're still in line to the throne. Tenth. Inspector Doyle, arrest this man. He's got a gun! Come on! You OK? What happened? Rathbone nailed Artie with a sissy gun. I'll look after him. You two go. Go! For Father. For Father. For old man Wang. My lucky playing cards. Be careful. Tell Rathbone to be careful. Roy. Let's go. You're gonna need a bigger gun! See him? No. Show your face, Rathbone! I'll tear him apart. You go this way, I'll go that way. Split up? Is that a good idea. It's OK. He's not up here. Roy, keep going. Come on, Roy! Hey, Rathbone. I was just thinking of a title for my new book. Roy O'Bannon vs Little Lord Sissy. Or Roy O'Bannon vs the Man who would be Queen. No sign of him, Chon. The coast is clear up here. Roy, look out! Roy! Whoops. Come on up. I'll show you how your father died. Lord help me. Just let me know you're there. Love me, hate me, but let me know you're there. Hey, I can see our hotel from here. Wow. Come along. I'm waiting. Come on, Roy. Roy O'Bannon will not go quietly. You hear that, England? Throw what you want at me! Terrible weather, perverted killers, spotted dick! Roy, you're going to die. You're on the minute hand of a clock. My life is flashing before my eyes. Wait a minute. I don't remember her. One more. One more. How disappointing. One more. You killed my friend. You killed my father! (BOTH SCREAM) Roy! I thought you were dead. You think some tea-drinking psycho can take out Roy O'Bannon? Whoa. Easy there, cowboy. (BOTH SCREAM) You got any ideas? We jump. Jump? You mean, fall? Aim for the flag. Ahhh, shit! I got to tell you something. What? You're the best sidekick I could ask for. Thank you, Roy. I feel the same about you. On three. One. Two. (BOTH) Three! (SCREAMS) Roy? Roy! Howdy. In recognition of outstanding bravery, I dub you Sir Chon Wang. For uncommon valour, I dub you Sir Roy O'Bannon. And for steadfast dedication to justice, I dub you Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Arise. Who loves you, baby? Madam? I bet Scotland Yard's dying to get you back. My crime-fighting days are over. I'm to accompany the Imperial Seal to China. She couldn't have picked a better man, right? Yeah. The voyage gives me time to work on my novel, with a new detective, who solves crimes with deductive reasoning. Give me a name? I hoped to call him Sherlock Holmes, if that's alright. I'd be insulted if you didn't use it. See you, Artie. That's very nice of you, Roy. I'd have kept it if it was good. It's a horrible name for a detective. Sherlock Holmes? Stop playing with that. Let me see it for a second. No! You'll break it! It's just a rock with some gibberish on it. It's Chinese. "Family is forever, my son." "I'm proud you cast your own stone." Wow. That's a good message. I'd like to cast my own stone, Chon. Hi. Hi. I told you. The House of O'Bannon will prevail. I have a business proposition. No more zeppelins. This beats zeppelins. A new thing in California. Moving pictures. Pass. Hold it. Hear me out. These movies could play to your strength. There's no sound, we don't worry about the language problem. The kung fu stuff could be huge. People want a good action picture. What do you think? Chon Wang, movie star? It could work. I feel bad about ditching the Chaplin kid, but we'll be running and gunning in Hollywood. He'll cramp our style. It's such a tough town. Bloody tourists! Action. # People try to put us d-d-down # Talkin' 'bout my generation # Just because we get around # Talkin' 'bout my generation # Things they do look awful c-cold You have to say "Cut"! You just keep looking. Ouch! Come here, you little minx. Cut. That was good. That was a good one, huh? Maybe on this one, I should lick you. Do you think? After you lick me? I think it would be good. And Jackie... Jackie? Thank you. Hi, Owen. Hello. How are you? OK. And I'm not Roy O'Bannon. Who are you? Damn it. I think she's the one. I know we just met, but she's the one. No, Roy. She's my baby-sitter. Your baby-sitter? What? Baby what? Baby sister. Baby sister? Not baby-sitter. Baby sister. Are you OK? Action. Owww! What happened? Roy is the type of friend you never introduce to other friends or family. He's... Look at his eyes. Brown, full of shit. Always... Just bullshit all the time. Have you ever heard of parents? We have parents that love us. You don't. You're a little orphan. We have parents. Have you ever heard of those? Parents that love us. You don't because you're a little orphan. Go on... So mean! Chon Wang, movie star. It could work. It could work. You could do your own stunts. What? Do my own stunts? Ow! Stay here and be a good horsey for the new sheriff. Ouch! Ow... That hurt. Ow! Ow! (CRIES OUT / CRASHING) You're supposed to catch me! Roy, catch! Jesus! That was my fault. Wait a second. This nut is killing your street women? (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Who did that? Jackie Chan. Me? That's right. First time. First time. It was the best take. Sorry. Hurry up! I can't do that. This isn't Chinatown. I can't sail through air. I'm not going to break my neck. What in our history makes you think I'm capable of that? It's getting bigger. There must be a better way. Shit, Roy! My ass is on fire.