(SOUND OF HEAVY, PERSISTENT RAINFALL) (THUNDER RUMBLES) (CAR HORN BEEPS) 'Three-one, 31.' Over here! Ah! Mrs Lucas. Congratulations, Mrs Lucas. And now for the first prize in today's raffle in aid of the roof appeal... Thank you, Lily... "(EXOTIC, SUMMERY MUSIC)" Indeed. The magnificent holiday to the south of France kindly sponsored by Dalesborough Travel Ltd. So, thank you, guys. # "La Mer (Beyond The Sea)" - Charles Trenet The winner will travel by Eurostar train to Paris, then catch the fast train south before spending the week on the beaches of the French Riviera! (ALL GASP OBLIGINGLY) Ooh... This fabulous prize also includes 200 euros spending money, and, Barbara, this wonderful video camera kindly donated by A&K Electrics of Arbor Road, so thank you. Right! The winner... of this amazing prize is... (STOPS MUSIC) 919. (DISAPPOINTED GROANS) (GRUNTS DISGUSTEDLY) 919... (GRUNTS / SNORTS) Anybody have ticket 919? If there is no claimant, I'll have to pick another ticket. (GASPS) Anyone...? Yes! Yes! (ALL APPLAUD) (GIBBERS) (ALL CHEER) (STAMMERS) Me! Me, me! Well done. (ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD) Cannes! Cannes! Oui! Non. You speak very good French. Gracias. Ohhh! (TRADITIONAL PARISIAN STREET MUSIC) Ohh! (COIN CLINKS) Merci, ma jolie. (DRIVER ASKS QUESTION IN FRENCH - INDISTINCT) Er, oui. Choo-choo. Gair de Lion. Attendez! Er, oui. Oui, oui... Er... Er... (MAKES TRAIN NOISES) Non? Non? Ah! Ah! (PAVEMENT RATTLES HOLLOWLY ON TWO NOTES - ONE FOR EACH STEP) Hmm! (CAR HORNS BLARE) (CAR HORNS BLARE) (ANGRY YELLING) (SCREECHING OF TYRES) (PANDEMONIUM OF YELLING AND CAR HORNS) How long will you stay in Paris? I'll be in Cannes Sunday for my premiere. Until then I'm working on an exciting new project with this wonderful actress, Sylvie. Sabine. Right. (SHUTTERS WHIRR) One last question, please. (REPORTERS CHATTER) (MURMUR OF CONVERSATION) (CRASH!) Whoa! Oh! Ca va? Ahhh! Twelve-oh-five... Ah! Ohhh... (SMACKS LIPS) (GUARD BLOWS WHISTLE) Ow! Stop! Stop! Stop! (GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) (SIGHS) One o'clock. Ohhh! (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY) Ooh! La carte, monsieur. Oui? Oui... (SIGHS) Le plateau de fruits de mer! Gracias. Oh. Gracias. (SQUELCHING) (CRUNCHING) (CRUNCHING CONTINUES) (MOBILE RINGS) (RINGING STOPS) (SIGHS IN RELIEF) (MOBILE RINGS) (GASPS / SCREAMS PIERCINGLY) (BAND PLAYS FUNKY, UPBEAT PARISIAN MUSIC) Cannes! Er, oui. Er, oui. Can you, um...? Un video... Me? Er, oui? Bien. Oui. Um... Um... Er... Um... Oui. Oui. Gracias. No. Um,... back. Back a bit. Back, back, back. Back, back... Stop! OK. Um... Oui! Oui-oui-oui-oui! Er, non. Non, non, non. Non, non. Back, back. (CLATTERING) Agh! (MUTTERS) (SIGHS) Gracias. Gracias. Stop! Help! Open... Open the door! There's nothing here! Stop! Help! Help! Papa! (CHILD SHOUTS FRANTICALLY) Papa! Papa! Ahem! (GIBBERS) (GIBBERS) (GIBBERS) (GIBBERS) (GRUNTS) 1 1 1 Ca va? Oh! Pardon. (WHISTLE BLOWS) (GIBBERS) That's my bag! (ROARS IN FRUSTRATION) (MUTTERS SORROWFULLY TO HIMSELF) Yes! (GRUNTS ANGRILY) (GRUNTS) (IMITATES HIM) D'oh! D'oh! (EXHALES) Stay calm. (EXHALES) (TRAIN HORN BLARES) Papa! Oh! Ow! Papa! Right... 0608... I'll write down all the possibles. 01... 02... 03, 04... (CONTINUES TO MUTTER NUMBERS) Allo? Allo. Er... Nyet. (MOBILE RINGS) Allo? Allo? (GURGLES) "Allo?" Merci, monsieur. (GASPS) (GASPS) (SIMPERS) (CRASHING) (IN RUSSIAN) (SOBS) (MUTTERS IN IMITATION OF INDETERMINATE LANGUAGE) What's with her? Yes! (CHORTLES) (IN RUSSIAN) (PHONE RINGS) (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) Allo? Allo? Pardon. Allo? Nyet... (SHOUTS ANGRILY) (SIGHS LONGINGLY) (GROANS HUNGRILY) Come on. (LIVELY POP MUSIC) (BAND PLAYS FUNKY JAZZ POP) Hmm! Hey! Hey. (IN RUSSIAN) Bon choix, monsieur. (CONTINUES IN RUSSIAN) Pardon? (REPLIES IN RUSSIAN) Ow! Salut. "# I'm just a love machine # Feeding my fantasy # Give me a kiss or three # And I'm fine # I need a squeeze a day # Instead of this negligee # What will the neigh-..." # Le classique? Pas de probleme, mademoiselle. "(CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC)" "(POUNDING HEAVY METAL)" "# Mr Lover-Lover # Mmm, I'm Mr Lover-Lover # She call me Mr Boombastic # Say me fantastic # Touch me in my back, she say I'm Mr Ro, Ro-... # ..mantic, call me fantastic # Touch me in my back, she says I'm Mr Ro-..." "(POIGNANT OPERATIC ARIA)" "# O mio babbino caro # Mi piace e bello, bello # Vo'andare in Porta Rossa # A comperar l'anello! # Si, si # Voglio andare # E se l'amassi indarno # Andrei sul Ponte Vecchio # Ma per buttami in Arno # Mi struggo e mi tormento # O Dio... # Vorrei morir"... "(MUSIC CONTINUES, SWELLING AND POIGNANT)" "# Babbo, pieta"... (BLOWS NOSE / CONTINUES TO MOUTH ALONG) # Babbo, pieta # Pieta... #" (ALL CHEER / WHISTLE) # "Celebration" - Kool And The Gang # Yahoo # It's a celebration... Encore! # Celebrate good times, come on # Celebrate good times, come on # (SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN) Da. Au Cannes, monsieur? Er, oui. (CHICKEN CLUCKS) '(ACCORDION-BASED COMEDY "CHASE" MUSIC)' (FAINT CLUCKING) Ah! # "Crash" - Matt Willis # Here you go # Way too fast # Don't slow down, you're gonna crash # You should watch, watch your stay here # Don't look out, you're gonna break your neck # So shut, shut your mouth # Cos I'm not listening anyhow # I've had enough, enough of you # Enough to last a lifetime through # So what, what do you want from me # Got no words of sympathy # And if I go around with you # You know that I'll get messed up, too, with you... (HORN BEEPS) (ENGINE REVS) # Here you go # Way too fast # Don't slow down, you're gonna crash # Don't know what's been going down # You've been running all over town # So shut, shut your mouth # Cos I'm not listening anyhow # I've had enough, enough of you # Enough to last a lifetime through # So what, what do you want from me # Got no cure for misery # And if I go around with you # I know that I'll get messed up, too, with you... (CLUCKS NERVOUSLY) (DOGS SNARL / BARK) # Don't slow down, you're gonna crash # Don't look down, you're gonna crash # Don't slow down, you're gonna crash # Don't slow down, you're gonna crash # (CACOPHONY OF CLUCKING) (MAKES ENCOURAGING CHICKEN NOISES) (MUTTERS / GIBBERS / GRUNTS) (GRUNTS IN DISBELIEF / DISMAY) (YOWLS) Oh! Oh... (SIGHS IN RELIEF) (CHUCKLES INCREDULOUSLY) (BIRDS SING / CICADAS CHIRR / TOTAL ABSENCE OF ENGINE NOISE) (SPITS) (GRUNTS) Gracias. (ENGINE SQUEAKS PROTESTINGLY) Huh?! (GRUNTS) (RATTLES DOOR / GRUNTS FRUSTRATEDLY) Ah, oui! Oui! Oui-oui-oui, oui! (FRANTICALLY) Oui-oui-oui, oui-oui-oui, oui-oui-oui-oui-oui-oui! (SIGHS DEFEATEDLY) (CLATTERS AROUND / GASPS) "(POUNDING ROCK MUSIC)" (KIDS SING / SHOUT) # Oh, yeah # Oh, yeah (MUSIC POUNDS / ALL SHOUT CHEERFULLY) (MOANS) (GROWLS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY IN TIME WITH LITTLE STEPS) (HORN BLARES) (GRUNTS IN SATISFACTION) (SIGHS) '(UPLIFTING, INSPIRING CHORAL INCIDENTAL MUSIC)' (ROOSTER CROWS) (CHILDREN CHATTER) (OLD MAN PLAYS GENTLE ACCORDION TUNE) (HORSE WHINNIES / GOAT BLEATS) Bonjour. Non, merci. (SWELLING, "EMOTIONAL THUNDERBOLT" INCIDENTAL MUSIC) (CRASHING) (VILLAGERS SCREAM) (GUNFIRE) Agh! Alright, cut! Cut, cut! What the hell is he doing? Where did he come from?! Some of us are trying to make a work of art! (GRUNTS) Everyone, back in position! Dress him and put him in the background. (GIVES INSTRUCTIONS IN FRENCH) Sweetheart, you never stop, OK? Remember, you're crazy for the taste of Fruzzi yoghurt. '(HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS "FRUZZI")' (DIRECTOR RANTS IN BACKGROUND) (RATTLES HELMET) (CHORTLES) (DIRECTOR AND CREW CONTINUE TO YELL AT ONE ANOTHER) (MUTTERS FRANTICALLY) Oh! Action! (GUNFIRE) CUT! Coupez! The guy with the video camera is fired. (TRANSLATES INTO FRENCH, INDISTINCT) YOU'RE FIRED! What?! On again. (DYING HUM OF POWER) Action! Cut! Cut, cut! My explosion! Where's my explosion? Ou est son explosion? All I want is a little tiny explosion! Le minuscule explosion! Is that too much to ask?! (RISING HUM OF POWER) Is it really so hard for you guys? I mean, all you have to do is this. (BOOM!) (GOAT BLEATS) (SIREN WAILS) Oui...! Oui...! Oui! Oui! Oui! Oui! Oui, oui... Oui! Dunlop! Oui! (GASPS ADMIRINGLY) Cannes?! Cannes! Cannes! Cannes! Cannes! Mm-hm! Oh! My gracias! Ohh! (CHUCKLES DELIGHTEDLY) (GRUNTS EXPRESSIVELY CONCERNING WHEEL POSITION) Non! Non! (MAKES HAPPY CLICKING NOISES) Oui! Russe! Oh! (SPEAKS FRENCH) (IMITATES HER) Bean. Bean?! Bean. Bean, Sabine... Ah! Bean, Sabine. Bean, Sabine. (SINGS IT REPEATEDLY) Oui! Russe, Russe! Cannes! Russe! Bean, Sabine! (FADING OFF INTO DISTANCE) Bean, Sabine! Bean, Sabine! Ah, oui! Oui! "Cut!" "Cut!" (LAUGHS) Voila. Ahhhh! (LAUGHS) Ohhhh! (IN RUSSIAN) (TAPS OUT LIVELY BEAT) (ALL STRIKE UP FUNKY DANCE TUNE) (IN RUSSIAN) (IN FRENCH) Oui! Oui! (BOTH) Ahhhhh! Telephone! Papa! Ohh! Aha! Oui? Oui? Oui, oui, oui. Oh! (SPLASHING) (MOBILE RINGS) Allo? (SPLASHING CONTINUES / CLATTERING) (CURSES) D'oh! (SIGHS) (HEAVY ROCK RINGTONE) J'ecoute. (GRUNTS FRUSTRATEDLY) (BRAND-STANDARD RINGTONE) Aaaaaargh! ("HAWAII FIVE-O" THEME) ("HAWAII FIVE-O THEME" PLAYS AS TINNY RINGTONE) "(ELEVATOR-MUSIC JAZZ)" "(DISCORDANT, REPETITIVE ELECTRONICA)" "(QUACKING OF DUCK, CUT AND LOOPED TO MAKE TUNE)" "(SLIGHTLY TRANCEY ELECTRO-DANCE TUNE)" "(SNEEZING, CUT AND LOOPED TO MAKE TUNE)" "(MOURNFUL, PIAF-STYLE SINGING IN FRENCH)" "(FAST-PACED DANCE TRACK)" "(WORLD-MUSIC STYLE TRIBAL CHANTING)" "(BRAHMS' LULLABY)" (HORN BLARES) Argh! Argh! (SNORES / GRUNTS IN ALARM) (SNORES / GRUNTS) (GROWLS / SNARLS) (SNORES / GRUNTS / GIBBERS) (SIZZLING) Oh! (FACE SQUEAKS ON GLASS) (SNORES / WAKES UP WITH SQUEAKY GASP) (RATTLES BOX) (STEPAN, IN RUSSIAN) C'est magnifique! "(INDISTINCT MESSAGES OF WELCOME OVER TANNOY)" "And on the red carpet is Carson Clay, the director of our premiere, Playback Time, and jury member Mr Emil Dachevsky, judging today despite there being no news of his missing son." (GIGGLES) (LAUGHS / CHATTERS IN RUSSIAN) (CHATTERS / SHOUTS) (GRUNTS) Ah, non! (ENGINE ROARS INTERMITTENTLY) (IN FRENCH, OVER MIC) (ALL CHEER) This film is for all of us who hunger for truth. For all of us who cry out in pain. For those whose souls yearn to sing. (IN FRENCH) Merci. "As pictures were released of the Englishman believed to have abducted the son of Cannes juror Emil Dachevsky, a positive ID of the boy was made at a service station yesterday." "Police now believe the man is travelling with a female accomplice." "A national manhunt has been launched, and stop-and-search procedures instigated right across France." You are not a Russian. Non... You are not this boy's father. Non. You are English. Oui! Oui! You know the whole of France is looking for you? For me, too! Who are you? Where are you going? To the beach. "(ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC)" This boy's father is a judge at my premiere. We take him there. And the beach...? Forget the beach! I have only one scene in this movie. I am not going to miss this premiere for you or for the police, OK? Now, do as I say. Bonjour, monsieur. Bonjour, madame. (SIMPERS) Bonjour, madame. (GIGGLES) Gracias. Buenos dias, senora. (SIRENS WAIL) Come on, we'll find Papa. (CROWD CHEERS AND WHISTLES) Merci! (MUTTERS) Allez-y. "'What is life but a teardrop in the eye of infinity?'" "'Together we lived, we laughed, we loved.'" "'But you left me, and now I walk this wilderness alone.'" (GIBBERS) (GRUNTS IN PAIN AT EACH STEP) Merci, madame. "'What use is a cop with a broken heart?'" "'Without you, I am nothing.'" "'Nothing. Nothing.'" "'Nothing. Nothing.'" "'Nothing. Nothing.'" "'Nothing.'" Stop! Oh! Hey! Madame! Arretez! "'The Romans lit fires in the skulls of their dead so they might forget their past.'" (SNORING) "'Wherever I look, I'm reminded our relationship... is dead.'" "Hey, you OK?" (EXCLAIMS IN RUSSIAN) "Boss?" Now, you... stay. "You OK?" Me... Papa. "'On the outside, yeah. But inside...'" "'Nothing.'" (VARIOUS YAWNING / RESTLESS MURMURS) "He's making the drop." "Boss?" Psst! "It's going down, boss." (It's me.) "Boss?" "Do we go?" "He's calling it, boss." (WHIMPERS) "We know he's in there." "Let's do it." "(SHOUTING)" "OK, boss." (ECHOING) "'Nothing.'" Hey! (WHISPERS URGENTLY) Oh, look! This is my scene! 'It's winter now, and the seeds of love lie deep within me. 'Will spring ever come? 'I'd thought by now I'd have met another. 'But... Hi. '..it was not to be.'" Huh?! They cut my scene! (GASPS) 'But I can show the world that you were once mine. 'I can relive our time together, 'those precious memories that I yearn to forget.' Aha...! 'Time... slips through my fingers like sand.' Ow! 'The fires of our love had burnt out, and now there is nothing. 'Nothing... but a sky black with ashes. 'I won't forget you, your kisses like soft fruit,... '..your laughter bursting into daylight like silver.' (GASPS) 'Your smile, like the curl of the sickle moon in the night sky.' (GASPS / CHUCKLES HAPPILY) 'Your luminous beauty, your goodness, your patience. 'How you hung on my every word. 'You are now in the arms of another. 'Who is he, this man? 'Does he have poise? 'Does he have grace? Is he a lover or a fighter? 'What powers does he have over you? 'Do your eyes dance like fireflies in the night when he comes to you? 'Does your body soften as your lips shape his name? 'I can't believe you've been so selfish. (GASPS) Open the door! Open up! 'You are consumed by love.' It's Mr Carson Clay! (GASPS / GURGLES IN PANIC) 'How does he cast a spell over you, enchant you, beguile you?' (GIGGLES) 'Why did you shut me out?' (OUTRAGED THUDDING FROM BEHIND DOOR) (THUDDING FROM BEHIND OTHER DOOR) Where is he?! Where's the projectionist?! 'I struggled to survive. 'When I look back on the darkest moments of our history, 'I know that we would part...' Whose is this? '..and that now I must not let you go.' Argh! Ow! 'We will know a deeper, surer love. 'It begins fleetingly, but it deepens and endures. 'It grows amidst all the strangeness of life. 'It is a beauty we can always depend on. 'It is the beauty of friendship.' Urgh! (AUDIENCE CHEERS / APPLAUDS) (CHEERING / APPLAUSE) (GRUNTS IN RAGE) Stop! He stole my son! (ALL GASP) No! He didn't! Where's my son? Where is he?! (STUTTERS) Here. (AUDIENCE GASPS) (AUDIENCE BREAKS INTO APPLAUSE) Stepan... Papa! Stepan! Mama! (RAPTUROUS CHEERING FROM AUDIENCE) (CHUCKLES) 'A very strange thing happens when you make a work of art.' 'You don't quite see the elements coming together, and when they do, it's magical, 'organic, and such a thing happened today. 'And everyone said this wouldn't work! 'They said it was a terrible risk, but I wanna keep on making films just like this. 'The video / film combination, it's something that's really been done before, but not quite like this. 'I'm glad the reception was so great, and I'm just happy to be here. Vive la France!' (CHEERING CONTINUES) Bless you. Bless you. (CHEERING / APPLAUSE CONTINUES FROM THEATRE) Ohhh... # "La Mer (Beyond The Sea)" - Charles Trenet # La mer # Qu'on voit danser # Le long des golfes clairs # A des reflets d'argent # La mer # Bergere d'azur infinie # Voyez # Pres des etangs # Ces grands roseaux mouilles # Voyez # Ces oiseaux blancs # Et ces maisons rouillees... Oof! (WHIMPERS EXCITEDLY) # La mer # Les a berce # Le long des golfes clairs... Oh! Oh! Oh, the sea! (CRIES OUT IN ELATION) # La mer # Qu'on voit danser... (CHATTERS HAPPILY IN FRENCH) # A des reflets d'argent, la mer... (LAUGHS) Ahhh! (CHATTERS IN RUSSIAN) (GRUNTS APPRECIATIVELY) # Voyez... (ALL JOIN IN) # Voyez # Pres des etangs # Pres des etangs # Ces grands roseaux mouilles # Voyez ces oiseaux # Voyez # Voyez # Ces oiseaux blancs # Ces oiseaux # Et ces maisons rouillees (ALL JOIN IN SWELLING CHORUS) # La mer... (MOUTHS ALONG) # Les a berce le long # Des golfes clairs... (ALL SING BACKING VOCALS) # Et d'une chanson d'amour # La mer... # A berce mon coeur (ALL RISE TO DRAMATIC FINALE) # Pour la vie! # IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016