9 1 My husband. Thank you for last night. Thank you for last night. Thank you for last night. (TYRES SCREECH) # I'll keep you my dirty little secret # Don't tell any # one or you'll be just another reject # My dirty little secret, dirty little secret, dirty little secret # Who has to know? # Hey! What do you think you're doing? (TYRES SCREECH) Shit! (HORN SOUNDS) Oh! Argh! (SQUEALS) Today, these visually-impaired senior citizens will fulfil a lifelong dream... ..to swim with dolphins. (CHATTERS) Hey, check this out. What is that? Careful. That is four years of research. A technological breakthrough which might just save a life of two. What's it for? It's a device to prevent the beaching of cetaceans. That's whales to you and me. Cetaceans, huh? That's a pretty big word for a man-whore. I'm not a man-whore. I'm a fish enthusiast. I stopped man-whoring when I met my wife. My mom said your wife got eaten on your honeymoon cos you tried to feed the sharks. I was trying to feed the turtles! I didn't realise there was meat sauce on the lettuce. Whatever! I bet that thing doesn't even work, you stupid he-bitch! Come on, I got it! Hey, you little bastards. Give it back! That's not a toy! (APPLAUSE) Give me... Come on. (HIGH-PITCHED BEEP) (ALL GASP) (CHATTERS) Something seems to be going wrong. I'm not sure what's happening. Yee-ha! # Wishing you the bluest skies # Hoping something better... # Hey, everybody. I'm home. Hi, Kate. I missed you today. The prototype's almost working. All it needs is a few minor adjustments. "This is Malibu where three blind swimmers are still missing." "I hope that man rots in hell." "He was a weird guy. He tried to touch my bal-" (PHONE RINGS) Hello? "Deucey, Deucey, Deucey. TJ here." TJ? "I'm in Amsterdam." You'd love it over here. It's like Disneyland for college students. "Why don't you come over and let your friend show you a good time?" I can't. It ain't like you got something better to do over there. Amsterdam's so far away. "Police have released this sketch of a man wanted for questioning." "Witnesses report he is goofy looking and probably a virgin." On the other hand, far away could be good. Is my wife gonna be OK in there? She'll be fine, sir. Alright. Excuse me. I think there's been a mix-up. Oh, sorry. Sorry. That's OK. I always wondered how it'd feel to be a white woman. Can I borrow it? Give me that. Hold up. Oof! Excuse me. 'Hey, how many people get to do this on their honeymoon?' You're sure it's safe to feed the turtles? Nothing to worry about. I'm a fish expert, remember? What is that over there? Just a kid with a fin on his back, trying to scare us. Are you sure? Do you think the hotel would let us swim out here if there were sharks? Come on. This is Mexico. They know what they're doing. (GIGGLES) Ah! (GASPS) This shirt'll be a great icebreaker. Fuck you, American, you Imperialist bastard! I love America! I love President Bush. Thank you for bringing democracy to Iraq. Traitor! Oh, no! Hello, sir? Is this OK? You did miss a spot. Did I get it? Put some elbow in it. Sorry, honey. What's with all these red lights? Do they know the curtains are open? (CHUCKLES) Oh, man. Ahoy there! Big Deucey in Amsterdam! (LAUGHS) Man, get on over here. (LAUGHS) Jose. Look at this boat. Check this out. (HIP HOP PLAYS) You like that? (LAUGHS) I couldn't be happier for you. Let me show you my float-crib. OK. Hah! Looking like money. I tell you, you're gonna have a good time, man. Huh? Well, it ain't much but it's home. It's nice. I like what you've done with it. If you gotta use the bathroom, lift up the toilet seat. This is where I live. I don't want nobody pissing on my toilet seat. What do you think of the float-crib? You feelin' it? TJ, I think you got a bad leak here. No, no. It's just high tide. Is that... what I think it is? Yeah. I brought Kate. I really wanna show her a good time. Maybe buy her a wooden shoe. Deucey? Keeping that leg is kinda... creepy. You gotta move on with your life. TJ! Hey, what's up? I no more man-whore. Too much danger. Excuse us for a moment, Deucey. Listen up, L'il Kim, when your little bony ass had SARs who got you out of quarantine? Go make me some money. No way! I take my three inches elsewhere. (CHATTERS) So I thought I'd come over here and make a killing. Got myself a houseboat, some ho's. Only thing a woman love more than a man-whore is a floating man-whore. Makes sense. Then all these man-whore murders started. He-bitches got too scared to work. What kind of world do we live where it ain't safe for male prostitutes? Here's your hashish. Dank u wel. Enjoy. Hashish? Yeah. No. Uh-huh. I thought this was a coffee shop. Let me break it down. You're in Amsterdam. If you want coffee, you go to a cafe. If you want marijuana, ganja or some freaky-deaky, go to a coffee shop. That's where you is now. Mmm-mmm. (GIGGLING) Put that away. Cops. Cops! Hold it right there. Now, that joint looks loose. If you want, I'll roll the next one. Have a good evening, huh? Oh, don't worry about it. This is Amsterdam. It's legal over here. You want a hit? No. I'm not smoking nothing. Come on, man. Deucey don't smoke. Suit yourself. Well, well, well, if it ain't Heinz Hummer, the gigolo with the most below. What do you want, TJ? I'm busy. I wanna introduce you to my friend, Deuce Bigalow. He's a gigolo from America. Hi. Sometimes you're really funny, TJ. How much you get for a Filthy Ramirez cos I could get you more? A Filthy Ramirez? Where you been? Nobody pays for that shit anymore. See you around, TJ. The Man-whore Awards are coming up. You wanna win the Golden Boner? I already won it twice. Just ask your ex-fiancee. Why you gotta bring up Delisha like that? I can't believe prostitution's legal here. Oh, yeah, it's big business. They got a union, dental plan. If I had a he-bitch like Heinz Hummer, he'd put me back in the game. Is he that good? "Is he that good?" They don't call him Lord Of The Wangs for nothing. Man, what I wouldn't give... For Heinz's wang? No, I don't want Heinz's wang! I want him as a client. Keep your voice down. Talking about me wanting Heinz's big juicy wang. People will think I'm gay. Now, a pimp's only got one thing in this world, his reputation. Here you are, gentlemen. Fresh today. Bon appetit. What is this? Spacecake. Why do they call it that? It's what the astronauts eat. Like Tang. I'm starving. It's a little dry. Keep eating. It gets better. You sure you don't want any? No. Never been high, never gonna be. This is pretty good cake, though. Fucking excellent. # Nights in white satin # Never reaching the end # Letters I've written # Never meaning to send # Beauty I'd always missed # With these eyes before... # You. Come on in here. You want me to...? Yes, you. # Yes, I love you # Oh, how I love you # Maybe you can help me. Really? I don't want a man who's chiselled and sculpted. I like soft and weak. You do? I want a man who's unemployed. And went to a community college. I am, and I did. You know what really turns me on? What? Is thinking about him in his tighty whities, sitting at his computer... and visiting different porn sites and taking the free tour with no intention of ever joining. I don't have a credit card! Kiss my chest. OK. Harder! Bite me! You sure? Harder! Bite me harder! Aaaarrrggghhhh! Get off of my titty, you doped-up cracker! No more spacecakes for you. Hey. I'm sorry about that. I must have gotten a contact buzz. What'd I tell you about making me look gay? Not 10 minutes go by, you got your sloppy mouth all over my breasteses. My nipple's ruined! You're lucky I was born with a spare. There go one of my hos. The old guy in the walker's one of your hos? Yeah. Why ain't his ancient ass out there making me my money? Kaiser! Get your old ass back in the booth! Meet me back at the float-crib. Bitches out here act like they never seen a pimp before. I raise my hand, they look at it like it's a goddamn croissant. Then, BAM! Feel my pimp hand. Where's the boat? Oh. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) You scared me. Hey. Do you know who I am? I am Heinz Hummer. I'm the gigolo with the most below. I can give you a Filthy Lopez like you never had before or a Cambodian Creamsicle that will make you scream all night. But not now because I'm busy. So leave me alone, bitch. Wait a second. Do I know you? "New... jizz... fizz..." "..ver... bur... ger... king?" (WHISTLING) (WHISTLING) Heinz. Man, are you wasted?! I gotcha. "Coming up next, more weather." What's this? Hey, Heinz, wake up, check this out. Holy shit. Europe just got a little better. Damn. That old Kaiser's got legs. You gotta keep your bitches in line. Yeah. What's he doing here? I found him passed out in the alley. I couldn't just leave him there. I put in a good word for you. Thanks, Deucey. Much appreciated. I knew you'd come around. (LAUGHS) Oh, shit. Heinz ain't passed out. Heinz is dead. No. He can't be. I'm telling you, Heinz is dead. See for yourself. Watch this. Maybe he's just a heavy sleeper. You brought a dead man-whore in my home. What were you thinking? I didn't know you could die from pot. This is no pot-related fatality. This is no ganja accident. This man was murdered. The Man-whore Killer did this? We gotta call the police. No! Goddamn, white boy. Think the police gonna believe a stoned black pimp had nothing to do with a dead prosti-dude in his float-crib? Before I toss your dumb ass in the canal, for the record, under my management this would've never happened. I just gotta see what all the fuss was about. Goddamn! No wonder Delisha never came back. That shit's the real Loch Ness monster. Look over there. Look where his hand is. What the shit is this? (ALL GIGGLE) What you looking at? Turn off them damn cameras! I ain't gay! I was only looking cos I heard his schlong was so big and juicy. Wait a minute. That didn't sound right. Perv! Give me them damn cameras! Whoa! Where is he? "We interrupt Naked Seinfeld for this special report." "The suspected Man-whore Killer has been spotted attempting to dispose of his latest victim." "I ain't gay!" "The suspected killer... has been identified as Tiberius Jefferson Hicks." You idiot. "He is still at large..." Hold it! Hey, guys! How's it going? Where is he? I don't know. Where is he? I swear I don't know. Your loyalty is impressive, sir. You've once been arrested for man-whoring, were you not? Look, I wasn't really man-whoring. Please, Mr Bigalow. I've heard this a thousand times. You were cold, you were frightened. He took you under his arm and fed you. He made you feel sexy. He told you how to hide money in every orifice. But your friend is obviously a killer. TJ's not a killer. If he isn't a murderer, then what was he doing checking out a dead man's penis? I guess he was curious. He heard it was big and juicy... and wanted to see for himself. A lot of guys do that. No, they don't. OK. TJ's gay. Really? Not normal-gay, but... crazy-gay,... ..musical-theatre-gay. Is that why he puts lipstick... on all his victims? Wait a minute. In the alley,... I heard someone whistling. And I saw someone. A woman... ..in a leopard coat. People see a lot of crazy things when they're high on spacecake. There's drugs in spacecake? Mr Bigalow, I will find your pimp whether you help me or not. 1 TJ, thank God you're here. How'd you find me? It's the only chicken and waffle place in Holland. A black man's gotta be at a chicken and waffles place? That's racist. But you are here. Yeah, but figuring it out is racist. Nice place. Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles? Really? Before that, you could only get chicken or waffles. But they were the first to put them together. Black people will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that. You do know the Dutch started the slave trade. Those motherfuckers! What?! Who let them print this? Look, we're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone. I don't give a damn. The "extremely gay" part bothers me. If I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms. Get out of jail and become a huge rapper. But a gay pimp? Like, where I'm going? Vermont? Look, TJ, I think I saw the real killer. It was a woman. Some she-john went on a killing spree cos she wasn't satisfied with a Filthy Lopez. What's a Filthy Lopez? Forty bucks. Same as downtown. All we do is find the she-johns that went out with the dead gigolos. One of them is our killer. Make sense. Get back on the horse. What horse? The man-whore horse. We gonna use your tiny white ass as bait. Bait? I'm not man-whoring. We'll find the killer using your twat-sicle. Twat-sicle? Gross! No. Give this to my mama. Tell her I'm sorry I was a disappointment to her. Sorry I called her friends when I was pleasuring myself. And tell her she don't have to worry anymore about her baby. Even if I wanted to, how are we gonna find a dead gigolo's customers? We'll go to the man-whore union. Careful. They'll be looking for me. (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) Meeting of the Royal Order of European Man-whores is now in session. (BANGS GAVEL) These are the highest paid he-bitches in Europe. That? That's Rodrigo. He's from Spain. He can tie shoelaces with his tongue. Eeew. That? That's Enzo. He's Italian. His nutsack is insured for $1 million. That's 500 grand each. Check it out. That's Assapopulus from Greece. He can kiss you with his butthole. I'd like to never see that. I'd like to say a few words about our fallen comrade, Heinz Hummer. Who's the blond guy? Chadsworth Buckingham. Comes from a long line of hos. His great-great-great grandmother gave Henry VIII crabs. But I know Heinz would like to be remembered for most was being a male prostitute. (ALL) Hear! Hear! He was also a supercilious cunt. Who's that guy? Gian-Carlo. Silverback he-bitch. Heinz Hummer was undercutting all of us. (ALL) What? Yes. He was charging the same price for straight sex as he was for a Turkish Snow Cone. Oh, yes. He was also charging the same price for a Belgian Steamer as he was for a Portuguese Breakfast. (MUTTERING) As we sow, so shall we reap. Thank you, Gian-Carlo, for those kind words. Until this killer is apprehended the union is going to institute a new security measure. This ring locks snugly over your va-guy-na and then communicates directly with a global satellite system. Rings of all sizes are available, smaller for our Asian members. Y'all know me. My name is McManus. I joined this union some 20-odd years ago for two reasons. To have intercourse in exchange for cash and two, to protect me rights as a man-whore. But... three years ago... ..when this union told we man-whores... ..that we were to stop having intercourse with underage girls, I strongly disagreed. But I did not stand up. I'm ashamed to say I stood down! And then three months later, this union told we man-whores that we were to begin washing our private areas between customers. Our private areas. And once again, I'm ashamed to report to you gentlemen, I stood down! But now, sir, for what am I to tell my eight-year-old boy when he comes to me and he says, "Daddy. Daddy, what's that thing hanging off of your he-pussy?" How am I to tell him, sir? (CHEERING) Deucey, you can do this. Due to high demand, each member will be only allowed two tickets to this year's Man-whore Awards. How's it going? I'm Deuce Bigalow. I'm a gigolo from America. My friend Tiberius Jefferson is not the Man-whore Killer. Homo! Now, I'm convinced that the real killer... is a she-john. Which means any one of you could be next. There are a couple hundred gigolos in this room. Now, if we all work together, we can find out who the real killer is. What do you say? Argh! How come you didn't tell them I wasn't gay? Did you not just see me get thrown through a window? What do we do now? TJ has an old friend who might be able to help us. Come on. Watch your step. Deuce. Antoine? Sit down. It's good to see you. It's been a long time. (CRUNCH!) Argh. The list from the man-whore union. It's got all the clients that went out with the dead gigolos. Awesome! Please be quiet. I went through a great deal of trouble to get this. Sorry. Now, if you want to compete with the European man-whores, you need to learn how to please a woman. I should write some of this down. Go ahead. You must be able to pleasure a woman with... (GULPS) With your... Pleasure her with...? (CHOKES) Oh. (CHOKES) Do you want me to try? (CHOKES) Women really like that? Man-whore down! Get the list. It's in his pants. Alright. I think I got it. Can't a brother stick his hand down another man's pants without setting off the faggot alarm? Marlene went out with Diego and Heinz. What if she tries to kill me? Distract her with your magic she-nis, I'll look for evidence. The lipstick and the leopard coat. (DOORBELL) Alright. Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow. Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow. Hi, I'm Deuce Big-gest lady live ever seen! Argh! That's a huge bitch. 1 Hi. Cute kids. Are they yours? Those pictures, they come with the frames. I'm unable to have children. I'm so sorry. That must be very hard for you. Evidence. That big hoe got food everywhere. You are a nice man. Now, take off your clothes. Don't you wanna talk more? You seem interesting. Take them off! Hmm. "Dutch Bride." (SPLASH!) (HUMS) Baby walk to Mommy. (SOFTLY) Come, come. (SHOUTS) No! Like baby! Baby walk to Mommy. Good baby. Come to Mommy. (GIGGLES) (CRASH!) Oopsie. Ah. Baby hungry? Want booby? Baby never eat again. (SOUND OF RUNNING WATER) You like them big, hairy balls, don't you? (CRUNCH!) (SCREAMS) Bad pussy! Bad pussy! Hold it! Hold it right there. Is this truck full of marijuana? Is this truck full of marijuana? Can't you read the sign? No unloading pot in the red zone. Write him up. But it's my daughter's birthday! Inspector. She's turning 13. We need all this pot for the party. Inspector. I got these lipsticks from Marlene Alsmere. She was a customer of Heinz. She's big. She could be the killer. The lipstick the killer uses is a very rare one. Shimmer Lavender Love, Number 66. Discontinued in 1984. But-But.... Sir, I have a list of the women who went out with the murdered gigolos. Will you stop doing that? Will you stop playing these games and tell me where TJ's hiding? TJ's innocent. Oh, don't make me laugh. "TJ's innocent." Uncle! You forgot your lunch. That's very nice. Thanks. (SNEEZES) Let me... Let me help you with that. Thank you. Excuse me for asking, but why did you slap yourself like that? Promise you won't laugh? I promise. Er, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I have these little rituals that I can't help doing. I can't touch doorknobs, I snap my fingers when I see a bus. When someone sneezes, I slap myself three times. I've heard of that. That's not so bad. (BICYCLE BELL RINGS) Ow! I'm sorry. Bells make me do that. It got me kicked out of school. It's OK. Everyone's got a few weird habits. Actually, I've got about 130. So you're above average. I mean... I'm Deuce. I'm Eva. Is that a Sudanese Sweetlips? How did you know? It's my top-five favourite fish. They have one here at the aquarium. I heard this place is incredible. It's the doorknob? I'll get it. OK. Thanks. Thank you. He's beautiful. That's really good. Thank you. Excuse me, but in America they don't allow smoking in aquariums. In Europe we don't unilaterally attack a country just to steal their oil. What? "What?" Did I offend you? Are you going to shock and awe me? Maybe you should check my pockets for weapons of mass destruction! I just asked you to put it out. And then what is next? Take wine away from my children? I put out this cigarette. God bless America. The nicotine in that cigarette is poisonous. So they say. It could kill every fish in that tank. Poor little fishy. Hey. Why are you with that loser? (SPLASH!) You have a nice ass. I think this belongs to you. Merci beaucoup. (GASPS) You dick! (SPLASH!) I'd like to take you from behind. My penis is uncircumcised. No head. It's like a torpedo. You pig! Oh, are you tired of swimming? Did the little fishies not want to play with you? (LAUGHS) Fuck off, you Yank! I'm staying for the summer and then I go back to art school in Brussels. Could I take you out for coffee sometime? You mean like a date? Well, yeah. (SIREN WAILS) (SCREAMS) Oh, the siren. Right. Right. Siren. Before I can go on a date I have to collect five different tulips, eat two herring and drink a beer from a wooden shoe. Well, that sounds doable. (ACCORDION MUSIC) (SNIFFS) What is it? The accordion player? Hmm-hmm. The Smelly Finger Dance. Hey, guys. I need a quick gigolo fix. What do you say? Er... I'm judging a sandcastle building competition this afternoon so I can't help you. The dog ate my penis. You don't have to walk me any further. I just work over there. I don't mind. I'm kind of embarrassed of my job. I'm kind of embarrassed of my job too. What do you do? Bye, Deuce. Well, well, well. If it isn't Deuce Not-So-Big Below. (LAUGH) It's Bigalow. What's your going rate, Douche? Well, I was getting $10. (ALL) Oooooh! OK. Do you even know when a woman is having an orgasm? Sure I know. It's when she says, "Stop. You tried. Now get off me." (LAUGH) I bet he doesn't even know how to give a Sneaky Castro. That depends. If she wants a regular sneaky or extra sneaky. There's no such thing as an Extra-Sneaky Castro. (LAUGHS) Is there? It's when you stick it in their... It's pretty convenient, your friend killing off all the competition. I've got my eye on you, Smallbelow. Smallbelow. (LAUGHS) (BUZZER) (ELECTRONIC VOICE) "I'll be right down." OK. This woman went out with Heinz the night before he was murdered. Don't worry about it, Sherlock Ho. I ain't gonna let you outta my sight. Ah, you must be Lily. I'm Deuce. Nice to meet you. Would you like some bread? Oh, I can't have bread. It makes my oesophageal lining swell up and could block my throat hole. Excuse me for a second. Sure. (LOUD BLOWING SOUND) Pardon me. I had to clear. Yeah. So, what do you do? I just got fired. I'm sorry. I was a phone-sex operator. (FEEDBACK) I only lasted a week. They were jealous of me. I heard that Heinz Hummer had a bit of a jealous streak. I bet you're glad he's dead. Heinz was the most gentle man I ever knew. I miss him and his mangina. (FEEDBACK) I can't take it any more! Oh, I'm sorry. I can see that you really liked Heinz. Here, let me get that for you. Thanks. (COUGHS) Let's go. I think I'm gonna puke! I started smoking again when I lost my job. If I don't find another one soon, I'm gonna lose my house. Well, we'll just have to find you a new one. Relax. Have some wine. Thanks. Ah! I don't normally drink red wine so... I have hiccups. Gone down the wrong hole, I think. Cheque, please. Deuce, I can't thank you enough. It's good for you, it's good for them. I'm just glad it worked out. Mwah. I'd better get to work. I'll be hearing from you. (LAUGHS) "The white zone is for loading and unloading of vehicles only." "There is no parking in the white zone." "Thanks, Deuce. I had fun last night. The white zone... "Thanks, Deuce. I had fun last night. The white zone... I am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera. I am here for my 12:30 ass-hair bleaching. OK. How blond do you wanna go? Gwyneth. Good choice. Oh, hey. I got a real Janeane Garofalo situation back there, so go for it. So, Enzo, got any she-johns lined up for tonight? Well, I did a chilli rainbow last night so I'm exhausted. What about you, Assapopulus? I've got the herpes so. What are you gonna do? (LAUGHS) Liar! Mahmoud! What's your excuse? I just realised I'm gay. Any of you guys want a blowjob? I do. Well. OK, then. I better go put that penis in my mouth. You're all afraid of the Man-Whore Killer. (ALL) No. (BANG!) Get down! I don't wanna die! You really should find a better hiding place. Oh, you haven't heard. Rodrigo's been killed. No. Oh, my God, why? He was having his ass hair bleached. He got much more than that. Bonne chance. "I'm very happy that Scotland Yard has now joined the search for the gay killer, Tiberius Jefferson." So, how about this next one? Svetlana Revenko. Russian women are a little freaky down below. Hair start in the front, don't end till it get to the back. If you gotta give mouth-to-south put a clothespin on your nose. I'll keep that in mind. Wish me luck. Gasov. You mind changing that to the weather channel? It's gonna be cold tomorrow. I have been waiting for you, Mr Bigalow. Aren't you afraid to work with the Man-Whore Killer on the loose? What do you know about it? There's some maniac who's killing them all. Some people say they deserve it. What do you think? I think everything happens for reason. You're probably wondering why I'm wearing this veil. I wasn't, but if you wanna talk about it, cool. I grew up in Chernobyl. Chernobyl. Huh. What a pretty name. My mother work in nuclear reactor when she was pregnant with me. Instead of a nose, I was born with an appendage on my face. A male appendage. No shit?! I have always been a little self-conscious about it. Well, you shouldn't. I mean, a lot of women would love to have a... guy's dick on their face. Yours is just permanent. You are sweet. And very handsome for an American. I like you. (THUD!) I would love to hear some Latin music. I'll see if the penis knows any. I mean the pianist. The guy playing the piano. (MUSIC STARTS UP) The band has started. Aren't we lucky? (RUSSIAN WALTZ) Damn! No lipstick. You smell nice. What is it? It's Old Nice. It's a knockoff of Old Spice. (SNIFFS) I like it, but I think it makes me sneeze. What happens when you sneeze? (SNEEZES) Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry. (SNEEZES) Oh, good Lord! Now is a good time to turn. (SNEEZES) Hi. How long will you be staying? Only until I can prove TJ's innocent. Is there someone waiting for you back home? It's hard to explain. Would you like to meet her? She's here in Amsterdam? It's my wife. I got her right here in my duffel bag. Kate, this is my new friend, Eva. She passed away a couple of years ago and this is all I have left of her. Nice to meet you. She was very lucky to have someone so devoted to her. Can I see you when you get off work? Oh, you know, I'd really love to, but I'm going to be so tired. Bye. OK. Eva! Eva! Did you just kiss me nine times because of your OCD? (LAUGHS) No. It's because I like you. Excuse us, coming through. What are they doing in there, anyway? They're making a movie. Cool. What kind of movie? '(GROANING)' Oh. I better get to work. OK. In there? You work in there? Yeah. Well - Hi, Eva. Great work yesterday. Thank you. Eva. Listen. We really need you on the set. All the guys are waiting. All the guys?! Yeah. I can't keep them waiting. Bye, Deuce. (BRAYS) Hey! Whoa, whoa! Back of the line, buddy. Trust me, she's worth the wait. (LAUGHS) It's a closed set, you can't come in. Like hell I can't! Get off her, you little freak! Huh?! (GENTLE SPLASH) Eva, you don't have to do this. Hey, I agreed to one midget, not two! Deuce? Eva, you don't have to do this. Do what? This. What? This. You painted that? I'm a scenic artist. So that's what you do here. Hey, little friend. I guess I owe you a big... Ugh! (MUTTERS IN DUTCH) Stoner Steve. Who wants to get high? TJ, is that you in there? Quiet, dumb prosti-dude. I went out with everyone on the list in Holland. Find the rest of those bitches. They live in other countries. Goddamn, white boy! Pack up that snatchpole and go find the killer! Stoner Steve! Stoner Steve Cafe! # Step right up and don't be shy # Because you will not believe your eyes # She's right here, behind the glass # And you're gonna like her cos she's got class... (GIGGLE) # You can look inside another world # You get to talk to a pretty girl # She's everything you dream about # But don't fall in love # She's a beauty # She's one in a million girls # She's a beauty # Why would I lie? # Why would I lie? # You can say anything you like # But you can't touch the merchandise # She'll give you every penny's worth... (BURPS) # But it will cost you a dollar first # You can step outside your little world # You can talk to a pretty girl... Hey, look at that. # She's everything you dream about # Don't fall in love # She's a beauty # She's one in a million girls # One in a million girls # Why would I lie? # Why would I lie?... Whoa! # She's a beauty # One in a million girls # One in a million girls # Why would I lie? # Why would I lie? # Don't fall in love # TJ, there you are. The girl with the giant ears heard Heinz talking about a photo in the Man-Whore Society. We gotta go. Why aren't you in disguise? I'm in disguise. I'm in blackface. But you're black. But I'm disguised as a different black guy. You look the same. What you trying to say? We all look alike? No, that's not it. You're a racist. I got half a mind to stop helping you save me. Go! Excuse me. This is a private club. Man-whores only. Hey, I'm a real good man-whore. Just go ask your mama. Still. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. That's what your mama said after I bang her. (LAUGHS) OK, that's it. (Go, go, go!) (SCREAMS) Hey, your mama is in here. I know what I'm talking about. If you stick two in, you're gonna need lubricant. I know what I'm talking about, huh? OK, I gotta go now, Ma. (RAVE MUSIC) Ho! Hey, this thing is locked. (STATELY MUSIC) Man! I only heard about this place. This is where man-whoring started. Check it out! You know who this is? First man to keep from shooting his load by thinking about sports. This guy, here? Baron Von Doggy Style. Led a pimping expedition to the Arctic Circle. Froze to death sixty-nining a moose. The only thing left of him is this stick which he used to bitch-slap Eskimos. Now, this brother here, Kunta Kuntlicker. He's the Jackie Robinson of ass-eating. Vladmir Suckmeov. The first man-ho in space. They were studying the effects of zero gravity on the reach around. Cut it out! I'm sorry. This is my Graceland. Hey. Wait a minute. Check this out! That's the blonde lady with the leopard coat. Must be the killer. What are you going to wear to the Man-Whore Awards? I thought I'd go with a tux and chaps with my assplug cufflinks. You left the trophy case open again. That wasn't me. (Deucey.) (Shhh!) (I gotta fart.) (You gotta what?!) (I gotta fart.) (Well, hold it.) (SQUEAKY FART) Shh! I hear something. (SQUEAKY FART) I think... the building is squeaking. Maybe it's a bird. (SQUEAKY FART) (WET FART) You idiot! (BOTH SCREAM / CRASH!) Gigolo! Security! Stop them! TJ! (SNIFFS) (SCREAMS) What the hell?! Somebody smoked a he-bitch! Enzo?! He kill Enzo. No, I didn't do it. What is that? That is not a dick in my hand. Anybody got some antibacterial gel? I got burnt dick on my hand. Eva. Eva. I'm in the shower. TJ's been arrested. I can't hear you! I'll be out in a minute! "In his gayest murder yet, the homosexual Man-Whore Killer murdered famed gigolo Enzo Giarraputo." "Our meteorologist Trus is sick. Filling in is Henk van de Berg." "(SPEAKS DUTCH)" (WHISTLES) # "Something Stupid" Hi. Hi. What's the matter? Why are you looking at me like that? Like what? (GIGGLES) (GASPS) I'll get that. I was a Boy Scout for almost a week. So, is your uncle home? No. We're completely alone. Would you like some cheese? I'm lactose intolerant. Why are you so jumpy? Maybe I can help you relax. You're shaking. Maybe it's because I'm cold. I can fix that. Why don't you pour us a drink. So I guess we're all alone, huh? (GASPS) Yes. Deuce. You're scaring me. Eva. Listen, everything I'm about to do is because I really care for you. Oh, Deuce. Now, I don't know why... I don't know why you've done this, but I'm gonna give you everything I've got. # Relax your mind Take your time with me # I love you deeper if you cry for me # Now come and kiss me till your body gets weak # Just grind with me, baby # Grind with me # Relax your mind Take your time with me # I love you deeper if you cry for me # (FAST-PACED MUSIC) Deuce? Don't go in there! Gaspar. Gaspar. I know who the killer is. I know who the killer is. I know who the killer is. I knew sooner or later someone would figure it out. I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you. It's Eva. It's Eva? You mean my niece Eva? I know it sounds crazy but I found the lipstick. The same lipstick the killer used. Shimmer Lavender Love, Number 66. You found it in the pocket of a trench coat hanging in the closet? Exactly. Plus, she was whistling the same song I heard the killer whistle. Like... (WHISTLES) # "Something Stupid" Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Now, you tell me. Why would anyone but the killer be whistling that specific song? The odds would be astronomical. Maybe it got stuck in her head cos she heard the killer whistling it. And maybe the real killer is someone very near and dear to her, though she doesn't realise. Sure. Or maybe the Hamburglar did it and escaped with the Great Pumpkin(!) Look, I understand this must be very difficult for you to be out-thunk by a civilian like myself. But we have to put our egos aside right now and do what's best for Eva. She's clearly ill and she needs our help. You're absolutely right. The only thing I can't think of is motive. What could she have against man-whores? Maybe because they represent a decline of this once glorious city which has now become a new Sodom and Gomorrah for rich college kids to smoke hash, to fornicate with Venezuelan hookers, or to defecate on our historic cobblestone streets. They don't defecate on the streets. Hey. Well, how do you know he's a tourist? He could be a local. Where is Eva now? She's at your house. Good. Do you really need all those weapons? She doesn't seem that dangerous. You're not gonna hurt her, are you? You can never be too careful. That poor guy. What a dipshit. "Tonight, the sexually inadequate men of Europe can breathe easy safe in the knowledge that all of the continent's finest gigolos are right here under one roof, all asking, "Who is gonna walk away with the Golden Boner?"" "In this car, we have Assapopulus and his date." Dammit! "His mother." She's the woman that made me start into prostitution, made me go into prostitution. I wanted to become a doctor, but... Uncle, you home? "What a beautiful couple - mother and man-whore." "Man-Whore Awards." "Please welcome your host for this evening - Johnny Vaughan." "Thank you very much. Can I just say, ladies, gentlemen, man-whores, a night where we celebrate guys who can get wood no matter what." "They have gaypride days." Oh, my God! (LAUGHS) Yes. I'm going to kill them all. But why? Don't you see what's happening to our country? Whoa-hoo! But it's... murder. During the final number, when these man-whores are gathered onstage, I push this little button and puff! Bye-bye, gigolos. Shouldn't be that hard to pin the crime on your good friend Deuce Bigalow. I won't let you! (SNEEZES) If you wanna stop me... ..it's as simple as touching this doorknob. (LAUGHS) Where's Eva? Gone to the Man-Whore Awards. I'm going there too. I'm coming with you. Yes. Yes, you should be there too. Now let me give you all the lowdown on TJ. In Thailand, I got a job in a carnival, eating broken glass. We did six shows a day. That's a lot of broken glass. And it's all collected in the lining of my anus. My ass is like one big, nasty cheese grater. Here to perform his signature move - the Chilli Rainbow, please welcome Assapopulus Borealis. (CHEERING) Deuce! Deuce! Right here! Hey, Eva's right behind us. Deuce, stop! (ENGINE ROARS) What are you doing? She's right back there. Deuce! He's the killer! What? You're with the killer! I'm with the dealer?! Man-Whore Killer! Eighteen-wheeler? My uncle is the killer! Oh! (GUN CLICKS) I'm with the... You're the k... She says that I am the killer, you stupido. (BRAKES SCREECH) (SCREAMS) But why? What did man-whores ever do to you? What did they do to me? Ha! All my life I dreamed of being one thing - a gigolo. Yes, me. Gaspar Voorsboch. I'll never forget that day. Never. It was my first semester at Man-Whore University. Today we shall learn how to give a lady a proper Portuguese Breakfast. You take an egg and you crack it. You mix them up. Now, this is a good chance to sweet-talk the client. And? And we pour that in there. Beautiful. Very nice, now. And don't forget the Canadian bacon. I was getting to that. What's that?! It's a penis enlarger. Just a few pumps gets it bigger. You mind if I give myself a few pumps? Go nuts. There we go. So there you have it. Tell me. How was your Portuguese Breakfast? Delicious. Elsa? Gaspar?! (SPLAT!) (LAUGHTER) They knew she was my fiancee. And tonight I will get my revenge. Leave it! I'm from Canada and I'm wasted! Are you alright? Yeah. Are you OK? Stop! Stop! Police business. Come on, we gotta stop him. Stop! Stop! Man-whore business. Before we present the award for Man-Whore of the Year, let's take a moment to honour those gigolos who have recently passed. (APPLAUSE) # Every rose has its thorn # Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song # Daddy, I was in your underwear drawer and I found this bracelet. Holy mother of God! That's not a bracelet, boy. That is a device that your daddy has to wear on his he... His he.. His he... Happy birthday, son, you got a bracelet. Great! Let's go. Come on. Now the award you've all been waiting for - The Man-Whore of the Year. Listen. Go get help. I'll get all the gigolos off the stage. OK. Good luck. You have to get off the stage now or you'll all be killed! Get the hell out of here, before I have you thrown out. There's a bomb! (You idiot.) You're all gonna die! I'm the Man-Whore Killer. This is a bomb! Everybody out! You gotta get out of here! You'll die with the rest of them, Bigalow. Those gigolos robbed me of my manhood. I was never able to satisfy a woman. I'll see to it they don't either. You don't have to kill anyone. Because you can please a woman. "Gigolos don't know what they're talking about." Is that about us? Do you really think all a woman wants is some guy to give her a Mud Pretzel or Turkish Snow Cone or an Irish Facial? Yes, they do, liar. A woman wants a guy who'll ask her about her day and listen to her. Or at least pretend to. (CROWD AGREE) What?! When she's hurting,... ask her how she feels. Cry with her. (CROWD) Yeah! These gigolos are just ripping women off! (APPLAUSE) I've never had any complaint from any of those freaks! I faked it. A woman doesn't care if you wear a Rolex watch or have a gigantic schlong, like Heinz Hummer. This guy knows his shit. What are you doing? Anyone else? If you let her know you care, maybe she'll give you an Irish Facial. We will die together, man-whore. (CROWD GASP) You don't have to do this. They ruined my life. Give me the detonator. No. My penis exploded. OK, that's a tough one. I'll give you that. But having a penis is way overrated. Trust me. No. No. Gaspar! Huh?! (CROWD CHEER) Are you OK? (GIGGLES) We did it! (SQUELCH!) (CROWD) Ugh! That's the grossest thing I've ever seen. And I've seen some gross things. I'll be seeing you again, man-whore. You saved the Man-Whore Society. The Golden Boner belongs to you. Thanks. I'm... That's very... This belongs to you too. Hang it to the left. You gonna eat that? Knock yourself out. Thank you. So... I guess this means you're a real gigolo now. I don't want you to treat me any differently. How much would you charge for a kiss? The first one's always free. Deuce! What? Oh, no. No, it's... It's just this. (EXPLOSION) Deucey! Thank you, Jesus. Did anybody hurt you in there? You asking if I got asspunked. Is that what's happening right now? Not if you don't wanna discuss it. Turns out I'm not that attractive. Well, you've been cleared of murder but people still think you're gay. Don't tell nobody I'm not gay. Look at it - TJ, the gay man's pimp. I mean, I'm gonna corner the market. Check out my new bitches. Hello, darling. Let's get chicken and waffles. So the first thing a brother wants outta prison is chicken and waffles? Get your she-cocks back to work! # Step right up and don't be shy # Because you will not believe your eyes # She's right here behind the glass # And you're gonna like her cos she's got class # You can look inside another world # You get to talk to a pretty girl # She's everything you dream about # But don't fall in love... # She's a beauty # She's one in a million girls # She's a beauty # Why would I lie? # Why would I lie? # Don't fall in love # She's a beauty # She's one in a million girls # She's a beauty # Why would I lie? # # One, two, three, four! # I said no, no never # We don't go together # Oh, I really couldn't take any more # Now it's two weeks later # I feel such a traitor # Oh, I let you in my back door # You're the one who's creeping # Rough love's so deceiving # I said never again but here we are # A pure, pure sweetness # You're my only weakness # I said never again but here we are # Now, I don't rush in # I bite my lip and let you know # I really like the game you play # I'd be better off without you # But I can't live without you # No, am I ever gonna break away # You're the one who's creeping # Rough love's so deceiving # I said never again but here we are # A pure, pure sweetness # You're my only weakness # I said never again but here we are # Yeah # I tried to run but I don't get too far # Cos I can't let go # I can't take no more # Boy, I want you so # No, I can't let go # I can't take no more # And I want you so # Captions by IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2008