(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) Captioned by Ai Media ai-media.tv www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 (MUSIC CONTINUES) Hi! Welcome back, Sophia Grace and Rosie! (CLAPPING AND CHEERING) # Yo, we're back again. It's the princess team on a TV screen. Sophia Grace, Rosie mad hits. # Ellen D be yellin', 'This is it!' # Like, good thing she's got good wi-fi. # Made us hotter than the hottest on prime time. Prime time with our hair so neat. # Wait, stop the beat. Press repeat. We got Katy Perry. That's what's up. And Justin Bieber. That's what's up. # And we chillin' with Pink and, oh my gosh, Nick-Nicki Minaj. # Everybody, jump up. Let me see those hands up. This song is called the anthem. # Girl, it's so good. It's so good. Now we getting traction. Everybody's dancin'. # Listen to the sound, and, girl, you're so good. You're so good. You're so good. # Oh, oh, oh, oh. It's so good. # Oh, oh, oh, oh. Sophia Grace and Rosie. # Everybody knows we princess dresses fit and we cosy. LA to London and back again. # We're hanging out at Mary Poppins' on the weekend. Pull up to the club in an SUV. # No waitin' in line, we're VIP. Let's hit the dance floor. Hit the dance floor. # Show this club how we hit the dance floor. Go, Rosie, go, Rosie, go. Go, Rosie, go, Rosie, go. # Go, Rosie, go, Rosie, go. Go, Rosie, go! # I'm fab-tastic! # Everybody, jump up. let me see those hands up. This song is called the anthem... Well, what do you think? They have a certain appeal. They're gold! # Everybody's dancin'. Listen to the sound. And, girl, you're so good. You're so good. You're so good. # Oh, oh, oh, oh. It's so good. # Oh, oh, oh, oh. It's so good. # Oh, oh, oh, oh. It's so good. # Oh, oh, oh, oh. # (CLAPPING AND CHEERING) And we're out! You've been a great audience. Drive home carefully. Ah, Sophia Rose, Gracie. You girls were great. What? That... That... Hey, hey, hey, girls. I'd like you to meet your new segment producer for your next assignment. Hi! You can call me Phyllis Bundt. Like the cake. Hi, Phyllis Bundt. I'm Sophia Grace. I like cake too! And I'm Rosie. Cake is very good. Well, nice to meet you. Oh, my, you're huggers. OK. OK. The three of us are going to Switzelvania. You'll be correspondents for the biggest event in their history, the coronation of their new queen. (SQUEALING) Have you heard of Switzelvania before? (LAUGHING) Have we?! Switzelvania is a monarchy located on the Mediterranean. They are the world's largest exporter of false teeth. They have one of the harshest prison systems in the world. And, surprisingly, according to Wikipedia... ...they're known for their vibrant Rastafarian music scene. Recently, the country has been in the news. After 50 years on the throne... King Edward is stepping down... ...and will name... ...one of his three daughters... ...Princess Imogen... ...Princess Cordelia... ...or Princess Abigail... ...to succeed him. The end. My cousin helped me with this report. Thank you. Great. Ready to go to a castle? We've been dreaming of this since the day we were born! It's so exciting! (SQUEALING) We're gonna have the best time! It's tea time, Phyllis Bundt. Oh, no. I can't. Tea makes me anxious. It's imaginary tea. And it's decaffeinated. OK. Give me a number, Phyllis Bundt. Um, three. One, two, three. You're going to live in a mansion! Give me another number. How about 17,508? One, two, three... 501, 502, 503, 504, 505, 506... Are you married? Who's your best friend? Do you have a boyfriend? Where does he live? Does he live with you? What's your favourite colour? What's his favourite colour? You like red. You have red sunglasses, you have a red cover for your iPad. You must love red! Do you like pink? I love white! Do you like black? Do you like necklaces or do you prefer bracelets? I got my ears pierced when I was 7. When did you get your ears pierced? I have a pet called Fluffy. She's a hamster. She's very very fluffy. That's why she's called Fluffy! Do you like fish? Are you a vegetarian? Do you like eggs? Who's your favourite pop star? Mine is Nicki Minaj, Jay-Z, Beyonce. I like One Direction. I like everybody! Who do you like? The cookies are still warm! It's like magic. Watch out, Phyllis Bundt. Cookies get us really really amped. You mean this is you not amped? (LAUGHING) Yeah! Cookie! (THUNDER CLAPS) (LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) 17,504... Morning! 17,505, 17,506, 17,507, 17,508. Done. You're going to marry a prince! (SQUEALING) I'm so happy for you! Unlikely. What I am gonna do, though, is sleep for the rest of the flight. So can you please both just shh? OK. OK. Please move your seatbacks to an upright position. We've begun our descent. Welcome to Switzelvania. (SQUEALING) C'mon, Phyllis! (SQUEALING) Passport? Check. Luggage? Check. Sleeping. Check. (SQUEALING) Switzelvania! Switzelvania! I can't wait! Oh, Rosie. We're gonna meet princesses! Switzelvania is so beautiful! Look at that building! Isn't it beautiful, Phyllis Bundt? Uh-oh. How did we lose Phyllis Bundt? (HORN TOOTS) Oh. Take us to the castle, please. (GASPS) It's like a fairy tale, but real! Don't you think we should try to find Phyllis Bundt? She's an adult ` I'm sure she can take care of herself. But can we? We're children. We're correspondents. Phyllis Bundt would want us go inside and meet the princesses. Excuse us, sir, we're very late. The princesses are expecting us. Also, we've lost an entire woman. He's good. Whoa! You're right. He's good. Come on, Rosie. We here. The Castle, mon. This is a bar. Yeah, mon. The Castle Bar and Grill. It's most popular. What happened to the girls? What girls you talk about? The girls that were with me. The girls I was supposed to protect with my life! I no see no girls. You must be hallucinating, are ya? Where's my luggage? My... My phone? My purse? Oh my god. Oh my god, I've lost all my money! No money? No, no money! No, mon. Pretend girl, one thing, but pretend money is another. Get out of me cab. No. OK, no. You cannot just leave me here! No. Excuse me. No. See, I am in television, OK? No. Hey! Hey! You wait! You can't just leave me here! Argh! Switzelvania will not defeat me. Think. It can't be too hard. How do you break into a castle? Tunnel? Hot air balloon? Giant bumblebee? Slingshot? Bouncy house? Merry-go-round! Train! Lipstick! Marshmallows! Christmas presents! How are we supposed to break into a castle using Christmas presents? Oh, I thought we were just saying words we like. No, but I just realised, our mums raised us better than to show up empty handed. Be right back. Hmm. Let's see. Ooh! Lavender! We need a miracle. I say, Rosie. Down here. Who are you? I go by lots of names. Count Duckula. Quack Nicholson. Duckleberry Finn. Thurston Fowl III. But most people just call me Magic Duck. So you're a magical ceramic duck? Yeah, you're not just a pretty face, eh? Besides talking, what other magic do you do? Hmm, standard card tricks mostly. And I grant wishes. Really? I can grant you three magic wishes. Not four, not five, but three. So be careful to only use the 'W' word when you really mean it. No do-overs on wished wishes. Hmm? Free advice there. Wow. I always wanted a duck that grants wishes, ever since I was 4! That wasn't a wish, FYI. Who are you talking to? I found a magic duck that grants wishes. Sweet! You've wanted that ever since you were 4. Guess what I found? A way into the castle. Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy. Why do I always get nervous when you say that? Linens. Produce. Flowers. Magic duck. What? Vegetables. Ice. So far, so good. What do you think you're doing? The seafood fork goes on the inside. This is an insult to the royal family. I'm sorry, Sir. It shan't happen again. You're absolutely right. You're fired. Back to work, unless you wish to join her. You know castles have terrifying dungeons, right? If we get caught, that's where they'll put us. If we act like we belong, they'll think we belong. Trust me. That's what you said about Nicki Minaj's New Year's Eve party. I know who you are. You do? I'm Felicity Cornish, coronation planner. And I know everything. This is it. Dungeon, here we come. You're the King's great-great-great grandnieces. I was told you were stuck in England with a nasty case of the sniffles. We don't have the sniffles. We have flowers for the princesses. And I have a ceramic duck. Most wonderful. Most wonderful. Now, you'll be presenting the new queen's coronation bouquet as planned. Oh, do follow me, girls. We must get you fitted for your gown while I see to your room. Come on. She thinks we're the King's great-great-great grandnieces. Shh. Go with it. Come on in, girls. Come on. Hop to it. Well, sit down. Come on, now. Beautiful. Very good. Now, you wait here for the royal stylist. Touch anything, and you'll be in royal trouble. I'm kidding. Or am I? Spoiler alert ` I am. (CACKLES) Ah. It doesn't seem fair that only one of the princesses gets to be queen. They can share the queendom. I don't think you can have three queens. Why? You can have three kings. I saw it in a Christmas pageant. Mm. Good point. Are you blind? I can't stand this gown. Why must you torture me? Who do you think's back there? Excuse us for one second. (SQUEALING) It's a princess! A real princess! You're Princess Imogen. In the powdered and perfumed royal flesh. Who are you little people? We have a present for you. Oh. Put these in water. Well, thank you, random little girls. You look so beautiful. Mm-hm. I do look beautiful, don't I? Who said that you look beautiful? Did they see me? Look at me twirl! Look at me twirl! Did you mention something about gifts? Here, Princess Cordelia. This is for you. It's a heart-shaped rock. Oh. Thank you. Um, put that in some water too. We've never met real princesses before. Do you eat cake for dinner? Do you like nougat? Where do you keep your unicorns? What about the wizards, ogres and talking teapots? Shh! Oh! Another Tumblr post dedicated to me. Oh, the people love me. Uh, the people love me more. You're both wrong and annoying. Uh, you're annoying and wrong. Stop copying what I'm saying. You're just copying what I say. Am not. Are too. Am not. Are too. Am not! Are too. They're more immature than us. And we're very young. Am not! Are too! Um, excuse me. Where's Princess Abigail? In her room, like always. Go out, take four lefts. When you smell regret and remorse, you're there. Bye-bye. I'll be right back with the money. No, wait, wait, wait. Hey! You owe me 75 switzels! Hey! Come back here! Don't you walk away from me! (KNOCK ON DOOR) Are you Phyllis Bundt? Yeah. We'll be your crew while The Ellen DeGeneres Show shoots in Switzelvania. Are Sophia Grace and Rosie ready? Uh,... um,... they didn't make the trip. But... But... But we can still make TV magic. Just let me freshen up. I'm gonna be on The Ellen Show! (BELL TINGS) Yoo-hoo. Yes. Hi. I need to check in, please. It's under Phyllis Bundt. Like the cake. I'm afraid I can't check you in. You're not Phyllis Bundt. Excuse me? I most certainly am. I personally checked Phyllis Bundt in this morning. She's with The Ellen Show, you know. I know. Because I'm Phyllis Bundt. Show me your ID, then. I can't. I've lost my driver's licence, my passport, all my money, everything. So you have no way of proving... I'm Phyllis Bundt! I grow very tired of your lies. Look, you look like a decent sort of guy. Maybe we can talk this over, over a drink or...? Security. Just wait till I take my exit survey. Ow! 1 Are we lost? Maybe we took too many lefts. I wish we had a map. Oh no! I said the 'W' word! Look, Rosie, a map! That's one wish. Don't say I didn't warn you about the 'W' word. Hmm! Easy-peasie, lemon squeezy. (SQUEALING) Argh! We come in peace! I did not give you permission to enter my hallowed domain. No, not the duck! Not the duck! Important duck, I gather? Very. It grants wishes. I used up one. It was meant to be a gift for Princess Abigail. If that's your secret identity. Well, it depends who's asking. We're asking. We're presenting the coronation bouquet. We're... The great-great-great grandnieces? I heard you were ill. Oh, we had the two-hour flu. I'm Sophia Grace. And that's Rosie. I thought your names were Beatrice and Pippa. Uh, do you ever wake up and feel like being someone else for a while? Duh. Almost every day. Is that why you're dressed like Artemis? Wait, you know Artemis? Teen Titans rule! Best comic ever! I've been collecting them since I was 10. They're my favourite! Check it out. Wow! Have you got the whole Starfire series? Yep. Every one. Those are impossible to find! Yeah, Rosie's been looking for them literally forever. Raven is my favourite. She's very very dark but still accessible. And I absolutely love Artemis. Guardian of the Realm, Protector of People, Hero to All. At your service. You know, Rosie, I think this duck's taken a liking to you. You should keep it. If you're Princess Abigail, why do you want to be Artemis? If I was a real princess, I wouldn't want to be anything else. I'm bad at princess things. I get tongue-tied talking to crowds. I'm the opposite of elegant. Everyone scrutinises my every move. Imagine people always taking your photo and talking about you on Twitter. We love it! Tonight at dinner, I have to make a speech for Father, and I'm dreading it. I'm debating whether or not to even show up. The first time I went on stage, I was scared too, but I got used to it, and so will you, if you're the queen. Queen? How can I be queen if I can't even be a proper princess? Argh, argh, argh! For goodness's sake, Abigail, isn't there another way in here? Honestly. I'm here for Beatrice and Pippa. Huh? Oh! That's us! Yes. We should go. Please come to dinner. It will be so much more fun if you were there. I don't know. There are so many adventures I could have right here in this room. You know, real life can be quite an adventure too. Oh, it's amazing. Oh, look! This is so good! (SQUEALING) Girls, girls. Not on the royal chintz. (LAUGHING) Get to your room, find the girls, get it together. First, stop talking to yourself. Hey, Ellen. Yeah, it's great. Good. Everything's great. Delivery for Phyllis Bundt. BOTH: That's me. You're not me. You're wearing my silk blouse. And my Luscious Lavender lipstick. And my favourite pair of heels! Is that my camera crew? Did you steal my girls, too? Where are my girls? There she is! She's the one! She still owes me 75 switzels! Come along, Ma'am. Come on. I told you to leave my hotel. That woman is stealing my life! She's a thief! You're going to prison! This fluorescent lighting isn't doing me any favours. Anyone got a scrunchie? "Father, to me, you've always been more than just my king. To me, you've been a caring friend, an inspirational leader, but most of all, a great father." You can do this. Look at us, Rosie. Two years ago, we could only get our imaginary friends to join us for a tea party. And now we're dining with royalty. Look at her. She's an embarrassment to the crown. Oh, I wish I could wear outfits like that. My family thinks I'm an alien. No, Brainiac is an alien. Artemis is strong and never surrenders. Presenting His Royal Highness, King Edward VII. My daughters, your mum was the most amazing queen this nation has ever known. In two days, it will be one of you. So tonight, we celebrate. Let the banquet begin! There's so many courses. I wish we could just start with dessert. Tonight's first course, strawberry and vanilla Battenberg cake. What? Dessert for dinner? It's so good! Psst, Rosie. That's two. A word of advice, dear ` think bigger! Our second course, a lovely espresso pudding. What? More dessert? I don't know which of my girls is ready to lead. Do you know, Reginald? Well, your choice is obviously between Imogen and Cordelia, Sire. Yes, Abigail is... Well, she lacks boundaries. Prone to fits of fancy. She reminds me of myself when I was young. Sire, if I may. Abigail is most at home at a comic book convention costume contest rather than upon the throne. Abigail is very special to me, but you're right, as always. Well, let's get on with it, then. The princesses have prepared toasts. Let us start with Princess Imogen. I have decided to toast father with a dramatic interpretation of my name. 'I' is for 'integrity', which I full of. 'M' for 'majesty', which is how I conduct myself when I am queen ` with majestic majesty. 'O' is for 'only'. As in, we all know there's only one real choice here. Me. 'G' is for 'generous'. Or 'gentle'. Whatever. 'E' for 'even'. I will get even with anyone who crosses me. And 'N' is for 'now' is the time to crown me Queen. (CLAPPING) Thanks. Thank you. Enlightening. Uh, Princess Cordelia? Instead of doing a boring speech, I have decided to honour Father with a dance. Three, two, one. Hit it. (LIVELY LATIN MUSIC PLAYS) Can you feel it? Yeah! I can feel it! Whoo! Yeah. (GUESTS GASP) To the King! ALL: To the King! (GROANS) Ooh. Argh. Ooh. And last but not... Well... Princess Abigail. (TITTERING) You'll be amazing. Remember ` leader, hero to all. (CLEARS THROAT) Father, you have always been more to me than... (CLEARS THROAT) WOMAN: That is not attractive. Father, you... have always been... I can't do this! She did that on purpose! It was my favourite dessert, and now it's wasted. You're like a plague, Abigail. You've ruined family photos for the last 20 years. I don't know why anyone tolerates you. Go back to your fantasy world and leave governing the country to those of us who can. Abigail's like Cinderella with those awful sisters, which means we're her fairy godmothers. We have to help her. What if she doesn't want our help? Don't question it. We've found our purpose. Every moment in our young lives has led us here. This is what we were born to do. I always thought we were born to entertain the world. Of course, but all celebrities have causes, and we can make Abigail ours. Abigail's good at pretending, so we can help her pretend to be a proper princess. You want to interfere with the inner politics of a nation and help an awkward princess pretend to be a proper princess so she can become a real queen? Exactly! Hmm. OK. Ding. I'm done. Huh? I'd rather be banished to the Phantom Zone with no one but General Zod for company than stay here. She's more upset than I thought. I need music. A ballad. Are you sure it's a ballad moment? It's a perfect ballad moment. But if she doesn't want a ballad moment? What the princess wants and what the princess needs are drastically different things. (SIGHS) I need to speak to you. Hit it, Rosie. # Inside of you # there is a story, # a true fantasy. # It's waiting to be. # But only you can do it best. # Just trade your cape in for a dress. # You are a princess. # There is a princess in you. # What does it mean? # It's not a secret you should keep. # Who cares if I'm queen? # Hold your breath and take that leap. # But where will I land? # Just take my hand. # Together believe. # Every story has a chapter, # every ending has an ever after. # Every movie has an actor. # Every action makes my heart beat faster. # It's easy to hide, but I'd rather fly. # So let your light shine. # Shining bright, shining brighter. # Let those arrows fly. # A princess inside. # I know I could be. # Every question has an answer. # It's you. # It's me. # I now believe # there is magic inside me. # My country in need. # You just have to believe. # I'll give it my all. # A princess inside, I know I'll be queen. # And every question has an answer. # It's me. # It's me. # It's me, it's me. It's me, it's me. # It's me. # Oh God. Hey, any of these phones work? Nein. Listen, I desperately need to make a call. All right? I could lose my job. There are lives at stake here. Look, I've seen prison movies, all right? I know someone around here's gotta have some sort of a cell phone, some sort of secret hook-up. Huh? God. Why won't anyone help me here? We should give Abigail princess lessons. How do we do that? Easy. We give her confidence and poise to sit on the throne. I'm in. How do we begin? Raise your right hand. Rosie, by the power invested in me, with liberty and justice for all, I hereby declare you as an official princess-lesson teacher. Now you do me. ...an official princess lesson teacher. Now we can officially teach Princess Abigail how to become queen. Sophia Grace, you're brilliant. And if that doesn't work, we always have our secret weapon. I've still got one more 'W' left. Secret weapon? This had better be important. I was 17/30ths of the way through my night-time beauty regime. Imogen, you know I have nothing but your best interests at heart. You've always been my favourite. That's why I'm telling your father you should be queen. Really? Yes. We'll make a great team. You'll wear the crown, and I'll deal with all those boring responsibilities that come with running a nation. But you mustn't let Cordelia know. Let Cordelia know what? I didn't want to worry you, love. But we have a problem. It's those little girls. They're teaching Abigail to be queen. So? Well, so... your father's undecided. If he chooses Abigail, do you think she'll allow us to have any power? We cannot let her steal our crown. I mean, your crown. Those girls have some sort of secret weapon to help her. But you have to find it. What is it? Well, I don't know, hence the 'secret' part. But I have reason to believe that it begins with the letter 'W'. Hmm. A sword. Hurry, you must find it. Oh, I shall. I had to put an act on while Imogen was here, but you know you're my favourite, right? Mm. Obviously. And when you're queen you're going to be very very busy, so I think that you should put me in charge of decisions. That way, all you need to do is to decide to be beautiful. Oops, already decided. (SIMPERS) Oh. Imogen, I've gone blind! The lights are off, you idiot. Let's check their wallets! Shh! What part of 'stealth mission' don't you understand? Look at them. We used to be like that, remember? Best friends, young and innocent, until Abigail came along and ruined everything. Oh. Maybe it's something they're going to wear. I'll check the closet. Maybe they're already wearing it? (GROANS) It's a trap! Oh. Hmm. (SNIFFS) Oh no. Oh no. Know what went wrong? When Abigail was born, she made you into a middle sister, which is historically problematic. She ruined our perfect sibling dynamic. Ah-choo! Duck bless you. Thank you. Who are you? I... am... the Beauty Fairy! I sprinkle beauty dust on girls at night to make them even prettier in the morning. Go to sleep. Shh. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Nice meeting you. And you. Night. Night. Quick thinking about that Beauty Fairy thing. I didn't know you were such a good liar. It's not a lie. The Beauty Fairy's real. Oh. Has she never visited you before, dear? Of course she has. Look at me. Ding, ding, ding! Princess School is now in session! Come on! Come on! Come on! # I'm shining like a ruby, starring in the movies. I'm waving to my people, LA, # 'L' to the 'A', LA. I'm walking down red carpets. They wait for me to start it. # Sometimes I feel this way. # Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh. Walk like it, talk like it. # Don't hide it, get excited. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can be queen for a day. # Walk like it, talk like it. Don't hide it, get excited. Hey, hey, hey, hey. # You can be queen for a day. Checklist. What we missed? I got diamond socks and both the lips. # Like little Miss Thing, so extravagant. Like little Miss Thing, that's what's happenin'. # So let me hear you talk. Let me see you walk. Let me hear you talk, baby, baby. # So let me hear you talk. Let me see you walk. Let me hear you talk, baby, baby. # Walk like it, talk like it. # Don't hide it, get excited. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can be queen for a day. Walk like it, talk like it. # Don't hide it, get excited. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can be queen for a day. # Walk like it, talk like it. # Don't hide it, get excited. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can be queen for a day. Walk like it, talk like it. # Don't hide it, get excited. Hey, hey, hey, hey. # You can be queen for a day. Q-U-E-E-N. # Make-up, hair, dress, begin. Perfect posture, perfect 10. Bow, curtsy, do it again. Q-U-E-E-N. # Make-up, hair, dress, begin. Perfect posture, perfect 10. Bow, curtsy, do it again. # Walk like it, talk like it. # Don't hide it, get excited. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can be queen for a day. Walk like it, talk like it. # Don't hide it, get excited. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can be queen for a day. # Walk like it, talk like it. You can be queen for a day. Walk like it, talk like it. # You can be queen for a day. Walk like it, talk like it. You can be queen for a day, for a day! # (SLOW CLAPPING) Oh, Abigail, you always did so like to pretend. What do you two want? You know, I have to admit, when we first saw the three of you montaging, I was upset. Because montaging is our thing. And then we realised how petty it is to bicker. We're sisters. One of us will be queen. We should help each other. # truth. What about the mean things you said about your sister last night? I never said anything mean about Imogen. At least not to her face. Your other sister. You're right. We spent all night feeling bad. We want to apologise. We are so, so, so, so, sorry. Ooh, I almost forgot. Father wants to see you in his study, Abigail. He said it's important. So why don't you run along and we can get to know our sweet little cousins better? Anyone for tea? Will Father be here shortly? Oh. Don't tell me you fell for the old "Father wants to see you in the study" routine again. And you're supposed to be the smart one. I'm smart enough to know this probably wasn't my sisters' idea. 1 Have a cupcake. Or a dozen. So, you two have decided to help Abigail. With what, exactly? She wants to be queen. Abigail can't be Queen. Why not? (LAUGHS) What she means is, Abigail isn't ready. She lacks confidence. That's why we're helping her. Look, we may have seemed a bit harsh with Abigail, but the truth is, she was a mess. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. She doesn't like being the centre of attention. Exactly, which is why we're helping her practice being in the spotlight. So she can feel less afraid. Then let's take her somewhere where she can practice being in the spotlight. Mm! You would do that? Of course. What are sisters for? Ah! And I know just the place. Oh, but Abigail would never come if she thought it was my idea. Mm-mm. No. No, she wouldn't come. There's no way she would come if she thought it was her idea. Mm-mm. We could say it was our idea. You'd do that? Of course. What are cousins for? Please state your name. Phyllis Bundt. Like the cake. Your real name. That is my real name. Look, we can sit here and do this all day. Seriously. I don't have a life. So if you wanna sit there and keep lying, that's fine by me. Why would I lie about a name like Phyllis Bundt? Look, I gotta get outta here, all right? My career depends on it. So tell me your real name. It's Phyllis Bundt! Like the cake! I am so sorry. I should not have done that. That was way out of line. I haven't slept in two days, and it's making me a little... You have to understand ` this isn't me. So you admit you aren't Phyllis Bundt. No, that's not what I'm saying at all. We have strict rules about identity theft in Switzelvania. This is just a misunderstanding, all right? Some horrible Kafkaesque mistake. Your German Expressionism excuses mean nothing to me. If I tell you my real name, can I get out of here? It's a start. Great. I'm not Phyllis Bundt. All right? I said it. My real name is... It's Dynasty Composition. That's my real name. Can I be released now? I really appreciate your honesty. But no. Identity thieves have the highest rates of recidivism. It's most likely you're a lifer, Dynasty. (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Move it, move it! We'll find her, sir! Find Dynasty Composition! Hey. Excuse me. Hey! What are you doing? That's my bike! Get her! Stop! Stop! No. No. Come on! Now I got you... (LAUGHS) You come back here, young lady! Ah-choo! A princess must engage with her public. The toast didn't go well, cos you got nervous. The way to stop being nervous is to do the thing that makes you nervous. Are you sure? Trust us, dear. You're going to address some very nice people at the pub. OK. Hold on. I don't see her anywhere. Let's split up. Follow me. Why must wild, adventurous love find all others, yet ignore me? I need your help. I'm in television. I spent the night in jail. I haven't slept in days. I've lost my phone, my ID, and two little girls. And now I'm a wanted woman. She couldn't just vanish. Please, kiss me! You're my hero. Thank you. Wait. You smell like freshly made croissants. Stop her! We've got you now! I gotta go. Wait! My lady! What is your name? Dynasty! Oh, no, you don't. I will find you, Dynasty! (CLAPPING AND BOOING) Wait. I can't go out there in front of a bunch of people. Remember, in a world of moving targets, Artemis always hits her mark. From the mouth of babes. Ladies and ladies, welcome to the Coronation Princess-Look-Alike-Sing-Along Contest! (CHEERING) Please welcome our very first contestant! Did he just say 'contestant'? I thought you said we were going to a quiet little pub. Why don't you see for yourself? Don't be shy, love. Tell us, which princess are you supposed to be? I'm not a princess. I'm... I'm Artemis. Artemis! Who's Artemis? Well, she's... I'll tell you who she is. She is about to sing her heart out! (MUSIC PLAYS) (BOOING) Come on, love. Sing us a song. Worst Princess Look-Alike-Sing-Along ever! Get off the stage! Get off! What do we do? We have to help her! You can do this. But this isn't a toast. It's singing. Technically, it's rapping. Just follow my lead. # My, my, my music hits me so hard, # makes me say, "Oh, my lord, thank you for blessing me with a mind to rhyme and two hype feet." # It feels good when you know you're down, two super-fresh girls from London town. # And we're known as such. # And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch. Yo, I told you, girl. You can't touch this # Yeah, that's how we living and you know. # You can't touch this. # Look at my eyes, girl. # You can't touch this! # Yo, let me bust these funky lyrics. Fresh new kicks and pants. # You gotta like that and you know you wanna dance, so move outta your seat # and get a fly girl and catch this beat while it's rollin'. Hold on. # Pump a little bit and let 'em know it's goin' on like that, like that. Cold on a mission so fall on that. # Let 'em know that you're too much and this is a beat, uh, you can't touch. Yo, I told you. # You can't touch this. # Why you standin' there, girl? # You can't touch this. # Yo, sound the bell. School is in, sucka. Break it down. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Stop! Abigail time! # Go with the fun. # It is said if you can't groove to this then you probably are dead. So wave your hands in the air. # Bust a few moves, run your fingers through your hair. This is it. You can't... # Touch that! Hey! Move... Mine... Rump... You can't touch this! No, you can't touch this! No, you can't touch it! (SCREAMS) (BOOING) (ALL SHOUTING) Excuse me. And that's why I bit you. The King requests the immediate presence of all his daughters. I wonder why. Those girls must be stopped. Their dumb princess lessons are working. I'll handle them. Entrez-vous. So, who's in the mood for a tea party? Oh, I'd love to, but unfortunately, you won't be staying with us any longer. Why? Because you're lying traitors. I spoke to Beatrice and Pippa's mum. You spoke to our mums? Oh, drop the act, Meryl Streep. I know you're not the King's great-great-great grandnieces. We never actually say we were his great-great-great grandnieces. We just didn't say we wasn't. More like pretending than lying. We just wanted to meet princesses, and then we met Abigail and she is so wonderful, even though no one sees it. We just wanted to help her, and the... Don't waste your time. Princess Abigail will never be queen. And your coronation privileges are revoked. You'll stay in this room until we find your guardian. (CHUCKLES) Why did we think we could pass as Pippa and whatshername? It sounded like a good idea at the time. By the way, who's Meryl Streep? I have absolutely no idea. 1 Wild Princess Brawl was the lead story on Switzelvania Extra. Ooh. How did I look? You were a disgrace! All of you. You made a mockery of the crown. Um, that's kind of harsh, Dad. But, I was most upset with you, Abigail. Oh good. Yeah. Yeah, she's horrid. Me?! You always shun attention. Yet last night at dinner, your antics led to catastrophe. And today, I find you brawling in a pub? No, it wasn't a brawl; it was more of... It is not your turn to speak. Do you even want this, Abigail? More than anything. I want it more than her. I want it more than her and her. Don't be a liar! You know I've wanted to be the most. I should be the queen! I'm sick and tired... Can it! I've had enough of all of you. Go to bed and think on your actions. No. I'm not done with you. I take responsibility for my actions. Whether they befit a queen or not, I cannot say, but I can say I am not an embarrassment to this country. (LAUGHING) (KING CLEARS THROAT) I've spent most of my life pretending to be someone else because my sisters told me I wasn't good enough. And I believed them. You may think I've just been lost in some fantasy, but in the world of comics, I found Artemis. And through her, I learned honour and courage and integrity. I understand what it means to protect those who cannot protect themselves, or summon the courage to battle incredible odds for her ideals. My name is Princess Abigail, and I'm gonna fight for my people. Out of my way. Coronation day is here at last, but the momentous choice of which of his daughters King Edward will crown remains a mystery. In other news, yesterday, a deranged woman staged a brazen prison break... The locals favour Princess Cordelia. This is Phyllis Bundt reporting for The Ellen Show. Oh, no, you're not! Freeze, Dynasty Composition! In the name of King Edward, stop! Today is the most important day of my royal life, Reginald. Today, I must choose a successor to lead our nation. You haven't yet made up your mind, Sire? Well, I thought I had, until Abigail's speech last night. I never thought my Abi could handle being queen, but her words affected me deeply. Begging your pardon, Sire. I've just remembered something that requires my immediate attention, immediately. Yes. Ooh. A little saline puffs them right up. There. You see? We need to talk. We have a problem. Your father is thinking about crowning your sister queen. Why would he pick her? Me? He's picking me? Oh! Oh! Oh! Not you. Not you. Oh. Abigail. We have to stop this now. And I know just what to do. I couldn't sleep last night, Rosie. I kept thinking about... Unicorns with rainbow fur? Yes, but also Reginald saying that Abigail would never be queen. Me too. I had the same two dreams. Why would Reginald be so mean? He doesn't want her to be queen! I thought Imogen and Cordelia were the bad ones, but it's Reginald! We have to warn Abigail. Come on! It's locked. We're trapped. The door's not the only way out. It's lovely to see you. Thank you for coming to the coronation. Colonel, I... Princess, it's Sophia Grace and Rosie. They need your help. Why do we always end up out on a ledge? The fate of the kingdom is in our hands. We just have to make it to the next window. Don't look down. (GASPS) Why did I do that? You said not to, then I did. Like when someone says, "Don't think of the word sparkle," all you can think about is, "Sparkle, sparkle..." Oh no. Did I ever tell you I have a horrible fear of pigeons? Forget about the pigeons. We're, like, a million miles off the ground. But they carry diseases! Again, least of our worries. (WHIMPERING) Come on, we've got to warn Abigail. We'll take you to her. Isn't she in her room? She's in her new room. Wanna see? (SCREAMING) It's lovely in here, isn't it? So dark and cavernous. One could easily get lost. Come back here, my little songstress! No! Let me down! Put me down! Too bad you're gonna miss the coronation. You're an awful princess, and you have terrible taste in clothes! Imogen, stop! They're children. You can't leave them here. Why not? They can keep you company. Maybe they can give you some extra princess lessons. When people ask why Abigail is missing, we'll say it's because you're off in your fantasy world. And no one will doubt it for a second. (LAUGHS) Sorry, but I'm not sorry. Bye. I knew we'd end up in the dungeon. The coronation's about to start. We have to get you out of here. MAN: I just need one shot! Princess, over here! Princess! Phew. Thank God I took up hotbox yoga. Argh! Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow! Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Sorry about that noise, sir. I will have it checked immediately. Ow! Ow! Ow! Hold on! You're not getting away this time, Dynasty! No, no, no. Wait, please. I'm a really good person. Come along quietly now, please. Please! My career depends on this. Please! I order you to unhand that woman! I knew I would find you, Dynasty. Actually, my name's not... No. You know what? That was the old me. The me who didn't embrace change. I'm Dynasty Composition now. You are my destiny, Dynasty. I am Armand, Prince of Iberia. And I must ask, will you marry me? What? You barely even know me. And yet, I know your nose crinkles when you are worried. You kiss like the wind, and when you want a thing, you'll ride under a fancy car to get it. And I know I love you. What else is there to know? Kiss me, my prince! (CLAPPING) Good. Now we'll make a rope, we'll use your tiara as a hook, and then we'll snare the keys! Keep spinning, keep spinning. That's good. Keep turning. Come on. Keep turning. Ew! Ooh. Look! Sophia Grace! Not now! I'm trying to get us out of here. Wait, I'm dizzy. Time to be a hero, Magic Duck. In my youth, I did stand-up. I know all about timing. Hey! Oh! Oh! I've got it! How did you get out there? I squeezed through the bottom of the bars to get the duck. We can use my last wish to get you out. Or you could just use the keys. Oh. 1 My daughters, this has been a most difficult decision. Hurry, Abigail! Hurry! You're making the wrong choice! We've got a bogey. Imogen and Cordelia made everyone think they earned the right to be queen, but being your queen isn't a right. It's an honour. And Imogen and Cordelia are not honourable. What do you know? You're just a little girl. And you're just a meanie, weanie wannabe queenie. (RUMBLINGS IN CROWD) If this meant so much to you, Abigail, why weren't you here? I tried. Believe me, I tried. We were in the dungeon. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, really. Well, I hope you enjoyed it down there, because you're going right back. As your new queen, I order you to arrest these traitors. Guards! (SQUEALING) Argh! Fairy tales shouldn't end like this. If only we'd gotten here earlier. Rosie, I can make that happen. For reals? Nobody likes a braggy magic duck. Oh, wait. You mean... I wish it was earlier. And that's three. Who's your Ducky? We have a second chance to make things right. I wished for it. Why didn't you just wish for Abigail to be the new queen? Now you tell me! Stop! Princess Abigail should be queen! Huh? Hmm. That was a freebie. Don't tell anyone, hmm? Father, please. Allow me to speak. I've never known how to act like a princess, or say the things a princess is expected to say. But then, a couple of true friends showed me there is no one way to act, or speak, or walk. A princess should be confident in who she is. I love Switzelvania. And the queen, she should honour her people. If you think Imogen or Cordelia can do that, then choose them. But you must know that I'm done hiding. You've shouldered a responsibility all these years, but I stand ready to continue your legacy. My daughters, this has been a most difficult decision. A queen should be fair, flexible, and above all, true to herself. She must live an authentic life. I have found all those qualities... in Abigail. I knew it! Easy-peasie, lemon squeezy! (CHEERING) My first declaration as queen is... let's party! (CHEERING) # Yo, people, we got this. Throw your hands up in the air in celebration. # The station is straight up there now the greatest. We came here for a reason, the queen selection season. # We got to help our new best friend become a shining beacon. # And though we may be small. Hey! # We came to do it all. # No castle walls could keep us out. We hit like cannon balls saying Boom! # Explosion. This party's locomotion. Boom! Explosion. So much fun, so much commotion. # Everybody jump up. Let me see those hands up. This song is now our anthem. # It's so good, it's so good. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Na, na-na-na. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Na, na-na-na. # Everybody jump up. Let me see those hands up. This song is now our anthem. It's so good. It's so good. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Na, na-na-na. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Na, na-na-na. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Na, na-na-na. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Na, na-na-na. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Na, na-na-na. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Na, na-na-na. # Everybody jump up. Let me see those hands up. It's so, it's so She's so, he's so good. # Everybody jump up. Let me see those hands up. This song is now our new anthem. # It's so good, it's so good. # Oh, we made it this far. # Oh, you know who we are. # Oh, couldn't do it alone. # Do it alone, do it alone. # Oh. Oh. # Oh, it's a celebration. # Oh. # Oh. Oh, it's a celebration. # The end, the time has come. Everybody knew we had so much fun. # The fans and so thank you for everything. # Cos we couldn't do it alone. # No. # Shout out to the ones who knew we'd make it good. And thank you, went from rapping out in England # to some sold-out shows in Vegas. Started close to the bottom, made it up to Hollywood. # Think it's just the beginning. There's no limits to what we got. We came to win, came to prosper. # We might be small, but we came to grow, grow. We came to fly. To see us you need a telescope. # Oh, we made it this far. # Oh, you know who we are. # Oh, couldn't do it alone, # do it alone, do it alone. # Oh. Oh. # Oh, it's a celebration. # Oh. # Oh. Oh, it's a celebration. # We get paid for the shows. They like how we go with the flow. # Money. # And they say we're the bomb and we have gotta blow. # Sang a song with Rosie on a big screen, acting silly, yo. # Now that we are famous from our super-awesome videos. Princess royal everything we do, royal. # All pink everything. Even our adventure's royal. Thank you, thank you. You, you're far too kind. # And I got no worries, cos the world's all mine. Oh, we made it this far. # Oh, you know who we are. # Oh, couldn't do it alone, # do it alone, do it alone Do it alone. Ah! Help! Sorry, I'm so sorry. # Oh. # Oh, it's a celebration. # Oh. Oh, it's a celebration. # Hey, ho, it's time to celebrate. # Hey, ho, it's time to celebrate. Hi! # Hey, ho, it's time to celebrate. # Hey, ho, it's time to celebrate. # Oh, we made it this far. # Oh, you know who we are. # Oh, couldn't do it alone, # do it alone, do it alone, # do it alone. Oh. # Oh, it's a celebration. # Oh. # Oh, it's a celebration. # Oh. # Oh, it's a celebration. Great! # Oh. # Oh, it's a celebration. # Bye! And cut it! (CHEERING) See you later! Anyway. Captioned by Ai Media ai-media.tv