1 Captions Were Made Possible With Funding From NZ On Air. Able 2016 (SEAGULLS SCREECH AND WAVES WASH) (SINISTER MUSIC) (ACTION-PACKED MUSIC) (DELICATELY FINGERED SPANISH GUITAR MUSIC) Carmen? Juni? Time for bed. Did you, er, brush... Did you, er, brush... Already did. Juni, don't forget to... I am. I am. All right. All right. JUNI: OK, warts... Arrghh! ..prepare to meet your maker. Everything OK at school? Everything OK at school? Yeah. It's good. It's fine. OK. Well, lights out. Bedtime story first. What story you want to hear? What story you want to hear? 'The Two Spies Who Fell In Love'. Mmmm. Wow. I haven't told that one in a while. You probably remember that better than I do. Want to hear a story, Juni? Want to hear a story, Juni? I'm listening. OK. Once upon a time there was a man and a woman... And they were both spies. Yes. She from one country. He from another. She had a very important mission assigned to her. She had a very important mission assigned to her. He was her mission. Correct. Her mission was to take him out. On a date? No, er, take him... Oh, you mean... I shouldn't tell you this. Go on! Go on. You have to understand these were dark and confusing times. There was an enormous amount of turmoil between countries. Out of fear, a new kind of soldier was created. Brilliant, brave soldiers whose greatest weapons were their minds. Those men and women... ..were spies. (COOL, TENSE MUSIC) They were masters of disguise. They could sense danger a mile away. And through their work, wars were ended before they even started. (COMPUTER BEEPS, TENSE MUSIC) And the only things spies were truly afraid of were other spies. Enemy spies. So, sometimes, one spy's mission was to make the enemy disappear. He was the assignment that changed her life. But when the moment finally came to carry out her mission... (ROMANTIC SPANISH GUITAR) ..she couldn't do it. He was different than she expected. Sure he was charming and intelligent. But he was unexpectedly honourable. And it made her realise how years of working with detached emotion had taken its toll. So, they kept contact. Two lunch dates. Very discreet. After all, they were on different sides, so they could never be seen together. Dinner dates followed - wherever their mutual travels took them. And they fell in love. And they decided that together they would embark on the most dangerous mission of all time. CARMEN: What? They decided to marry. CARMEN: Wow! Oh yes, on her wedding day, she felt like she'd rather brave a thousand deadly missions than go through with what she was about to attempt. Why was that? Marriage is a mission so complex that only the most courageous - and slightly insane - need apply. There's such an amazing series of obstacles one has to navigate to keep the marriage together - much less a family - that it frightened even her - a hardened and experienced secret agent. But when she saw him standing there, with no doubt whatsoever, so assured of his decision, so enamoured with what they were about to do, she took his hand, looked deep into his eyes and said the two most dangerous, most trusting words you can say to anyone... CARMEN: What? She said, "I do." CARMEN: Oh, that's so cool. Well, then the problems started. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) There was always some faction that wanted at least one of them gone. On their own, each agent was notorious. But together, they made tempting targets. (HEROIC MUSIC) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) (CUTE MUSIC) So, they retired. Settled down. Had a few kids. In a way, they exchanged one life of adventure for another. Trading espionage for parenthood. A mysterious and compelling mission in its own right. And, ah, they were better off. The end. No, "happily ever after"? I said they were better off. I said they were better off. Great story, Mom. But it needs a new ending. It needs monsters. Oh, is that right? You want me to look at your... I put the medicine on. OK, munchkin. Goodnight. (PEACEFUL MUSIC) What was the story tonight? What was the story tonight? Mmmm, ours. How many nights, I wonder, do you send the children off to bed with nightmares? do you send the children off to bed with nightmares? Carmen asked for the story. That life is over now. We are consultants. Not spies. (DESK BEEPS) (COMPUTERS WHIRR AND BEEP) (MAKE-UP CLICKS LIKE KEYBOARD) (COMPUTER BEEPS) (Sighs) So, I went to their school today. Uh-huh. Had that meeting with the principal. Had that meeting with the principal. What? Carmen's been skipping school twice a month. Why? I don't know. You know those school friends Juni talks about having? Yeah, Diego San Barian, Reynaldo? No such beasts. The other kids, they pick on him. He has no friends. It doesn't help that he has his head in the clouds. Making these weird drawings and burying himself into that demented kids show. (COMPUTER BEEPS, CHAIR WHIRRS) They're keeping secrets from us, Gregorio. And I think it's our fault. They've gotten this from us. They've gotten this from us. We have good reason to keep secrets. If we told them we were spies, they'd have visions of danger every time we leave the house. (COMPUTER BEEPS, WEIRD MUSIC) Speaking of secrets. What are you working on over here, huh? Speaking of secrets. What are you working on over here, huh? Er, nothing... ..important. It's just... (CHAIR WHIRRS) JUNI: Why do we have to do this every morning? We already have P.E. at school. You going to hang there all day? Scaredy-cat. Told you not to look down. I can't help it. I'm slipping. It's your butterfingers that are slipping. Hurry up! I can... Ahh! Ooh...ahh. You just fell 1,000 feet. You're a pancake. Am not. Are too. Don't trip getting up, pancake. Butterfingers. We'll see about that. (Juni and Carmen argue) Donnagon? He's missing. Is this what you were hiding last night? I didn't want to worry you. TV: We now return to... GREGORIO: Juni, why do you watch that show? GREGORIO: Juni, why do you watch that show? Because it's cool. Why? Because it's all you ever do. Play its video games and watch the tapes. And do you know why, son? TV: So, always remember, whatever you do believe in yourself. Your dreams will come true. For you and you and you. What's this supposed to be? A self-portrait? What's this supposed to be? A self-portrait? Mom, he's mimicking me! Mom, he's mimicking me! Mom, he's mimicking me! MOM: Carmen, leave your brother alone. Juni, stop talking like your sister. Stop it. Stop it. Look at this, it's hideous. Look at this, it's hideous. Well, talk to him. It's a Fooglie I did. I designed it myself. TV: Today we're very excited. Because today we have a new character. We found him snooping around the castle last night. I want you all to meet Donnamight. JUNI: Dad, when Floop makes a toy out of that one, I want it. (Makes high-pitched babbling noises) (SINISTER MUSIC) Honey! (BRAKES SCREECH) Pare! Pare! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Juni? Juni? Hey, anybody gives you a hard time in there, remember - you are a Cortez. What's so special about being a Cortez? Lots of things. BOY: Hey, it's The Mummy. Nice looking bandages, Mummy. Stop, man, when I'm talking to you, you listen. Aye-yi-yi-yi. Nice dolls. Here let... Let me see the dolls. Here let... Let me see the dolls. MAN: Have a good day, son. Show 'em who's boss. Can I help you with something... ..macho? (COOL SPANISH GUITAR MUSIC) (WILD CHEERING) (TRIUMPHANT EMOTIONAL MUSIC) I said, can I help you with something... ..Chief? I didn't think so. My dad was going to beat up your dad. No more secrets. Deal? Soon. Definitely soon. I share a room with him - he's afraid of being alone. "Watch out for Juni", "Take care of Juni", "Show Juni right from wrong." I shouldn't be responsible for anybody but me. GIRL: You're so right, Carmen. GIRL: You're so right, Carmen. What's so special about being a Cortez? I wish I could go away to your world, Floop. You'd be my friend. (MAGICAL MUSIC) MAN: I thank you all for attending today's demonstration. Year after year we pay outrageous sums of money to several inventors to come up with our technologies. Mr Floop is one such visionary. However, his inventions are somewhat questionable and therefore need to be evaluated. You promised us an army, Mr Floop. But our first billion dollars bought us only this. Mutated secret agents. The, um, mutative process and brain wipe caused their minds to turn to mush. I have found little use for them except as novelties on my... Well, my children's show. Currently rated number... ..t...two. Number two. Just what the devil are these Finger-men about? They're called Thumb-Thumbs. Very capable robots. All thumbs. Useless. FLOOP: Mr Lisp, I think you'll enjoy this. Through that door, an awesome power will emerge. You will have but a moment to disarm it. In exactly...10 seconds. Seven. Five. Three. One! Johnny? Arrgh. Ow. You hesitated. I had to. He's my son. Are you sure? Actually, I designed him. I built him! His name is... ..X52495. The Second. This is your big idea?! Robot kids that look like my children. President's daughter? An almost exact replica. Sometimes, in order to think... ..BIG... ..you have to think small. Through physio-electrical imaging I can make them look like anyone. The cunning and intelligence of the world's greatest espionage agents all rolled into tiny packages I call Spy Kids! Tell me, Spy Kids, with your vast stores of knowledge, what are four of the five physiological indications that a human being is lying? (Both burble unintelligibly) They're not quite finished. Missing one crucial element. Missing what? Their brains. These buckets of bolts will never pass as children! We have a schedule to keep, Floop. The window of opportunity is closing... ..fast! We will be back in two days to pick up our army. Or we'll take whatever you do have, cut our losses and lay your entire silly empire to waste! No more time. Escort Mr Lisp back to his chopper, children. (ROBOTIC GEARS CRUNCH) (ROBOTIC GEARS CRUNCH) Ow?! OW! That was brilliant, sir. Thank you, Minion. LISP: Ow! All I have to do is make them work for real. LISP: OOOOOWWWW! 1 (Whispers) Si, si. You're going where? On assignment. Several OSS agents are missing. Including Donnagon. No ransom. No demands. They just disappeared. After nine years, you are accepting an assignment? Why? In a word..."Devlin". Devlin himself called? Devlin himself called? He asked me to go in. (TOY SQUEAKS) Well, I'm going with you. Well, I'm going with you. Ingrid, you're always looking to go on another mission. But we have children now. We can't both leave. I want to go on an adventure. I want to save the world. Again? Honey, it's old. I mean, if it wasn't for Donnagon and the other agents I would be turning this mission down myself. I mean, clearly! You're going to turn me down? You're going to turn me down? Eh? Spy boy? (Whispers sexily) Ingrid...Ingrid...Ingrid...eh. (Clears throat) Wha...wha... What about the children? JUNI AND CARMEN: Uncle Felix! Hey, churros! How are you? Last time I saw you, you were this big! You're shrinking. What's up? Hey, take this bag. Thanks for coming on short notice. That's what families are for, eh? That's what I hear anyway. (COOL SPY MUSIC) (ELECTRONIC WHIRR) Do I know you? (REMOTE CONTROL BEEPS) (ENGINE STARTS) That feels, ah... Like old times. Yeah. (EXCITING MUSIC) INGRID: S414 to Santa Cecilia. On assignment to find missing OSS operatives. Agents Ingrid and Gregorio Cortez en route. Well, it's good to hear those names again. Good evening, Miss Gradenko. Good evening, Miss Gradenko. Hello, Greg. (Coughs) And Mrs Cortez. Updates? GRADENKO: They're being loaded into your Central now. GREGORIO: Scan the area. (EXCITING MUSIC) Right. Why don't we call them? They'll be getting up for school soon. They should know what we're up to. They should know what we're up to. Ingrid. You're right. Our first time out in nearly a decade and all we can do is think about the children. You should see OSS Escort Agent... (INTERFERENCE) Code Delta-Bra...Bra... Repeat the rendezvous point. Repeat the rendezvous point. FLOOP: Believe in yourself. Picking up a TV signal? ..come true for you ..and you...and you, Gregorio and Ingrid Cortez. I believe you have something that I want. I know who that is. That's...that's Fl... We've got a follower. Not for long. Watch this. What's that? (WONDROUS MUSIC) They got us. They got... Ooow! And this is what Carmen would look like as a Fooglie. (ALARMS SOUND) (SIRENS BLARE) Oh, my God! Is this a fire drill? (SIRENS AND ALARMS SOUND) Put these on, quickly! You don't have any time to... (SILENCE) Follow me. Follow me! Come on! Come on! Follow me! There's a lot for you to know and very little time to explain. Uncle Felix! The first of which is... ..I'm not your uncle. Your parents are international spies. Good ones. They've been napping for the last nine years. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I'm assigned to protect you. Something's gone wrong. I have to take you to the safe house. My parents can't be spies. They're not cool enough. That's cool. According to the coordinates in my locating device they're being taken to Asia. Or South America? (LOCATOR BEEPS) Go in there. I'll be right back. If you're not? Hit the blue button to seal the door. The green button to go. Is this a joke? (Mumbles) (FAST SPANISH GUITAR) Cool! Carmen, look. Carmen! (BEEP) Whoa! You'll have to go to the safe house without me. Go now! Felix, look out! Yes! Find the OSS! Tell them the third brain lives! You must find... Felix, behind you! What are those things? Get them! Felix! Press the blue and green buttons. Press the blue and green buttons. We can't leave Felix behind. Oh, yes, we can. Blue to close. Green to go. QUICK! Here's a green button. Blue button first! Juni! Do you ever do anything right? Blue button! You've got to seal the doors! I can't find the blue. (BUTTON BEEPS) Hang on! JUNI: What are those things? JUNI: What are those things? I don't know. But they're catching up! JUNI: Where's the gas pedal? No! Don't touch anything. You weirdo! You switched it to manual! No! JUNI: How do you work this thing? Program it to take us to the safe house. (Both scream) JUNI: Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Juni? Juni! Juni, what are you doing down there? Juni, what are you doing down there? Help me! Ahhhhh! Hold on! I'm going to get you. (COMPUTER BEEPS) COMPUTER: Autopilot re-engaged. (CALM MUSIC) JUNI: Wow! CARMEN: We are definitely going to be late for school. Stop shaking. I can't. Stop shaking or you'll give yourself more warts. We're going to be fine. Just be cool and do exactly as I say. OK. (CLICK) COMPUTER: Welcome to the NRX Super Guppy. COMPUTER: Welcome to the NRX Super Guppy. (COMPUTER SOUND BREAKS UP) Juni, don't touch anything. Juni! (BEEP!) BOTH: Whoa! COMPUTER: Destination - safe house. Estimated time for arrival - two hours, 30 minutes. Juni, close your eyes. Why? Just keep them shut, all right? OK. (TENSE MUSIC) OK, you can open your eyes now. Thanks. Just don't want you crying all over me. We're never going to see them again, are we? COMPUTER: Refreshments ready. Would you care for a lullaby, sir? (TOILET FLUSHES) COMPUTER: Now flushing your poop. COMPUTER: Now flushing your poop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very dangerous. (Fooglie squeaks) INGRID: Characters from Floop's TV show. They're prisoners. FLOOP: We need the brain, Minion. We're running out of time. We're running out of time. Don't worry, sir. Ingrid and Gregorio Cortez are the only agents I know of that never had a weakness. But times change. Now they have two. JUNI: Did you lock it? (BEEP-BEEP) CARMEN: Yup. That's a safe house? JUNI: Looks more like an outhouse. COMPUTER: Your name? Carmen Cortez? Your full name, please. Your full name, please. I don't use my full name, it's too long. Your full name, please. Your full name, please. Carmen Elizabeth Juanita Ecosca Brava Cortez. (BEEP!) My name's a passcode? (ELECTRONICS POWER UP) (AWE-INSPIRING MUSIC) CARMEN: This place is amazing. Empty. How safe's this safe house? There's nothing to eat. (CUPBOARD WHIRRS) Machete BuddyPack? Whoa! Emergency cash? (DRAWER BEEPS) From every country. I think we'd better take all of it. (WISTFUL MUSIC) Check it out. "Thank you, Carmen." (WISTFUL MUSIC) We'll see them again. Just like they said. Oh, so this time we're supposed to believe them? Let's start worrying about the children. Let's start worrying about the children. They still wear diapers. Only one does, and only at night. It's not that unusual, OK? It's not that unusual, OK? This is why I never wanted to go on another mission. You're blaming me? An hour ago, you seemed happy to be back in the game. An hour ago, I was not a prisoner of war. OK, we're a little rusty. That's all. There's one way to find out who's behind all this. Oh, if I could just get the pressure right... Ah! She's still got it. How do you do that? How... Hey, hey. What about me? (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Remember when we could sense danger a mile away? (GRINDING NOISE, DRAMATIC MUSIC) Those were the days. Those were the days. Yeah. Yeah. ARGHHHHH! (Shouts) Ohhhh... Oh! (Laughs) Clever. OK, OK. Come on, come on. OK, OK. Come on, come on. All right. All right. Very clever. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) "Virtual room." Wow. Let's go. Where are we? (THUNDER CRASHES) Well, I give him points for imagination. (POP! SPROING!) BOTH: Whoa! 15 minutes to escape. With your reputations, I was expecting something a little more impressive. Finally, we can eat! So - you are Floop? You watch my show! No. My son does. He does? Wonderful! Carmen and Juni. But not your daughter... ..Carmen. Isn't it? And Juni? Your children will be joining us soon. Careful! I snap my fingers... ..and my fingers snap you. Where are the OSS agents you've taken? 12 years ago, they were part of a research team for the OSS - attempting to create a synthetic intelligence. A compendium of spy-knowledge, if you will. Research since destroyed. If the OSS destroyed its research, it was for a reason. We all have our reasons. Hmm? There was someone else on that research team. Hmm? Someone else who COULD rebuild it. Isn't that right, Mr Cortez? Felix? I think he's going to be a bestseller! And just in time for the holiday rush! I will never, ever build anything for you. Thank you for joining us. Argh! 'How To Be A Spy'. Author unknown. "A good spy uses..." Testing. OWWW! Gosh. You're too close! "A good spy uses his head." Got that? It's the first one in the book. Eww. Gross. What do you see? You. Very funny. Focus your eyes closer... ..on the glasses themselves. ..on the glasses themselves. Whoa, maps and readouts. That's the computer screen. It's a database of some kind. The wedding from the story. It was theirs. They should have told us about this stuff. Yeah? What about all your make-believe friends? Should Mom and Dad know about that? What about all the days you skipped school? You want them to know about that? You want them to know about that? That's my business. (CLICK!) Ah... Carmen? I don't have a key. Go knock it against something. "A good spy has no fear." Sorry, Juni, guess you can't be a spy. "A good spy puts himself" - herself - "in the mindset of the opponent." Mindset. That's exactly what we'll do. I think it's up to us. You with me. With you? Why? Find the OSS, like Felix said. OK. Then let's go. (KNOCK AT DOOR, SINISTER MUSIC) Hi! I'm Miss Gradenko. We work for your parents. We? Oh, I can understand if you don't trust me. You were a baby when we first met. Remember me now? Sorry. I have a key. You see? We're all on the same side. We're here to protect you. My mom has a bracelet like that. OSS standard issue. We all have one. OSS? You work with my parents? OSS? You work with my parents? Yes. Now, please listen closely. Open your ears. Your father was able to send one last communique this morning, before he disappeared. It consisted of five letters. F-L-O-O-P. But you're wrong. Fabulous Floop would never do that. Oh, trust me, he's not that fabulous. In fact... ..recognise these? Floop's Fooglies. I've got toy versions. This is what they looked like before he mutated them. You mean these mutants are captured secret agents? We're dealing with a genius. Told you Floop was a freak. Told you Floop was a freak. You know that cute little tuneless song they sing? Play it backwards. VIDEO: Floop is a madman. Help us! Save us! Floop is a madman. Help us! Save us! A cry for help. Will he do that to Mom and Dad? Definitely. Unless he gets something your father helped develop. If there's anything you can possibly remember... (Whispers) What? Um, Felix gave us a message to deliver to the OSS and, um...here you are. Here I am. What's the message? Here I am. What's the message? "The third brain lives." Carmen, you have just joined the ranks of women spies in the OSS. Brilliant. Girls. Now... Where does the third brain live exactly? Did Felix tell you that? I don't think he said. He didn't say. Are you sure? Search the place! It wasn't at the house. You were at our house? (Laughs) Oh, no! Oh, my God. It exists. That's what Floop wants? Ohh... It's so beautiful. Carmen! She's working for Floop. Fly this to Floop's castle immediately. Fly this to Floop's castle immediately. Don't move! (Laughs) You don't even know what those things are. I know they're heavy. Hey! Those things cost millions of dollars! That brain's the only thing keeping Mom and Dad from being zapped! Stop her! ARGHH! Send in the thumbs. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Wait for me! How do you work this thing? Bring her back! Ah-ah-ah-ah! Don't you want to find your parents? You little brat! Ugh! Whoops. Sorry! Get back! Oooh! Argh! BOTH: Whoa! What's wrong with you? They're just children! ARGH! Whoa! Ohhh. (Screams) Bad hair day! (Growls) (EXCITING MUSIC) Uh-oh. Going up! Uh-oh. (BEEP!) What? Where did you go? I'm right behind him! Where are you? I'm toast. Give me back that brain! Get away from me! Tough guy, huh? See ya! Argh! Whoa! Oh, my sister! Oh, brother. I can't hold on much longer! Get a grip, you big baby! I'm slipping! Hang on, butterfingers! I'm not going to make it! We're almost there! Don't drop me! I'm not going to drop you! AAAAARGHHHHH! Uh! What would you do without me? (FUNKY ACTION MUSIC) (Sings) # It's a cruel, cruel world # All you little boys and girls # And some mean, nasty people # Want to have you for their supper # But if you follow me you can all be free! # Free! You can all be free! # As a bird on a big TV # If you dream, if you dream, if you dream # It's a cruel, cruel world Full of nasty boys and girls # Full of selfish, mean, nasty people # Nasty nasty nasty nasty! # But there's a way you can make your day # You can laugh, you can smile You can come and stay a while # You can dream my dream You can have it all with me # You can dream my dream! You can dream my dream! # You can dream...my dream. # (MUTANTS CHITTER) CUT! Lock 'em up! What does it need, Minion? What does it need, Minion? I don't... My show! It needs something. The thing that will take it to number one! But I can't think straight enough to figure it out. You're spending too much time on this program. You should be more concerned with our grand diabolical plan. You should be more concerned with our grand diabolical plan. Syndication? The army of robot children. The army of robot children. This hardware is getting in the way of my creative abilities. You lost the children. Not only did they escape, they took the third brain with them. It exists? Completely. Cortez lied to us. Send our best thumbs. Sir. If you want to catch a criminal, you send a criminal. If you want to snare a spy, you send a... Please speak English, Minion! I've been baking under those studio lights. If you want to find a child... If you want to find a child... Mm? Mm-hm? ..send a child. That is brilliant, Minion. Thank you... ..sir. (EDGY GUITAR MUSIC) Some locating device. It can't even figure out what the coordinates point to. Who makes this? Machete Products. What are you doing? That's our bargaining chip on getting Mom and Dad back. That's our bargaining chip on getting Mom and Dad back. This is what Floop wants. I think Mom and Dad would want this destroyed. What? Until this morning, you didn't even know who they were. We keep the brain. For now. Why are you still wearing that? That could be a tracer. They could be tracking us. That could be a tracer. They could be tracking us. Don't start pointing fingers at me. I didn't do anything stupid, stupid. Better stop calling me names. Or what? Or I'm going to call YOU names. The booger was right. I hate that! (SINISTER MUSIC) Thought I'd ditched you. Why are you dressed like a geek? We're no longer relatives. Go away. We're no longer relatives. Go away. (Speaks gibberish) You're just getting stupider by the minute. You're just getting stupider by the minute. Get away from me. Hey! Put me down! I always wanted to do this. (CLUNK!) Ohh... Tough guy, huh? Juni! Put me down! Destroy the brain! Destroy it! Whoa! Ohh... Whooooooooaaaa! (Speaks Spanish) They took the brain? Yeah, but I took her necklace. She didn't even notice. She didn't even notice. They weren't very smart. Yours couldn't even speak. "Limited Edition Spy Kid. "1 of 500." Floop's gonna have hundreds of these things flying around. Floop's gonna have hundreds of these things flying around. The third brain makes them smart. They're building an army. Got to save Mom and Dad. Only they can stop the robots. But who's going to help us? We had it working. A synthetic intelligence as smart as any spy. Go ahead and tighten that brain up. GREGORIO: A third brain system. The OSS director realised it was too dangerous if the wrong forces found the technology. We were ordered to destroy it. Why keep that a secret from me? To protect us from something you destroyed? Or something you didn't? All these secrets from me... from the children. It has to stop. I'm sorry. It was the brain. If we save our children, we risk the world. So what in the world do we do? Thanks for taking us this far, but... ..this is all we got. What are we doing here? Dad's codename must be Hombre. So...this must be Machete. We're getting help from Dad's best man? What are you working on? World's smallest camera. I don't see it. Ah, but it sees you. You sell counterintelligence stuff here? Come back with your parents. We can't. We need something fast that can get us here. Who are you? Carmen Elizabeth Juanita Ecosca Brava Cortez. (DOOR BEEPS) Gregorio Cortez is our father. Gregorio Cortez is our father. You were at his wedding. You will turn around, you will leave my shop, because I never want to hear my brother's name mentioned again. because I never want to hear my brother's name mentioned again. You're our uncle? A REAL uncle? Cos we already got a fake uncle. Gregorio Cortez is my younger brother. President's daughter... President's son... Oh, good. Prime Minister's son... General's daughter... They're all here. As planned. I have to get back to my show now. You must focus on the task at hand. We have to prepare the army before Mr Lisp arrives. I don't believe in this anymore, Minion. I don't think I ever did. I don't believe in this anymore, Minion. I don't think I ever did. Explain. The mutated agents, the robot kids... Those aren't my ideas. They're yours. Those aren't my ideas. They're yours. So what? Well, I think that's why they're not working. Well, I think that's why they're not working. Not yet, they're not. But you see, I now have the third brain. I don't need you anymore. Minion? I assure you, it's Mr Minion now. You, Floop, have served your purpose. Children. Lock him in the... ..Virtual Room. Ah! You're a secret agent, aren't you? What makes you say that? What makes you say that? According to the database, you're always travelling, and no one knows what you do for a living. (Chuckles) I think we all have uncles like that. "Another fine Machete product." You make the best spy inventions in the world. That's correct. Yeah, but you sell them to both sides. Good and bad. That's why Dad hasn't spoken of you in all these years. That's why Dad hasn't spoken of you in all these years. Ever sell stuff to Floop? Why? Our mom and dad - your brother - are his prisoners. And if we don't help, something really bad's going to happen to them. Why won't you help him? Why won't you help him? Why should I babysit my brother the rest of my life? "Take care of Gregorio." "Make sure Gregorio knows right from wrong." Not anymore! Machete is not responsible for nobody but Machete. But that's not what family is. But that's not what family is. We're just brothers. Cain and Abel were brothers. Look how they ended up. Now, the only thing that will get you to Floop's castle fast enough is this. It's tiny. It's built for one passenger. But it's fast. It's built for one passenger. But it's fast. Will you go? No. For your brother? No! Then how about for us - your niece and nephew? No. How about if... No, no, no! A million times, no! Pass the pig intestines. Oh, I'm not eating that now. Nope. Can I have a... No. ..glass of water? Thank you for letting us stay here while we ponder our parents' terrible fate. If you weren't a Cortez, I wouldn't be doing this much. So family DOES mean more to you than money. No. Dad misses you too. (CLICK) Ready? Let's go. Now we're talkin'. (Whispers) What are you doing? (Whispers) What are you doing? Getting the map to Floop's castle. Shh! It's just a reflex. Look. He's still asleep. He's still asleep. (Snores) Never send an adult to do a kid's job. Oh, yeah. What can I do to help? Remember that spy-plane up on the roof? Remember that spy-plane up on the roof? Yeah. Start reading. Urgh...homework. (ROOSTER CROWS) (JET NOISE INCREASES) No! Hurry up, he's coming! Goodbye, Uncle Machete! Thanks for the plane! (FOREBODING MUSIC) OK, so here's the new plan. We get to the castle, rescue Mom and Dad, then somehow stop Floop from using the brain on the robots before they're sent out to dominate the world. Think we can do that? How hard could it be? (BEEPS) I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything! OK. Airspeed - fine. Altitude - fine. Autopilot - failing! Oh, great! Another fine Machete product. Take control. We have to go to manual. NOW. You were supposed to read ALL the instructions! You skipped a chapter, meathead! You better stop calling me names. You better stop calling me names. Pull up, booger-breath! You better stop calling me names. Pull up, booger-breath! Stop it, or I'll call YOU names. Go ahead! You got nothing on me, warthog. Sure I do... ..diaper-lady. Ah-ha! I hope you're wearing one now. How long have you known? Since forever. Mom made me swear not to mention it. So now we're even. Urgh! Oh, now you've done it! Oh, now you've done it! I knew this was going to happen! We're gonna crash if you don't do something! You did that on purpose, you kamikaze! You did that on purpose, you kamikaze! But now it's balanced! Landing gear... No landing gear. We're gonna crash! Nope. We're gonna drop. Drop? Get your regulator ready. Comm systems check. Can you hear me? Yeah. Let's try that cave over there. The water's warmer in here. The water's warmer in here. Oh, I just peed. Ugh! Sorry. 1 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) A Thumb-Thumb! A real-live.... (SCARY MUSIC) (THUMB-THUMB WHIRRS ELECTRONICALLY) What did you do to him? Machete's Electroshock Gumballs. Says long lasting, but I don't trust wrappers. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (ELECTRONIC BEEP) Come on! In here. Juni, come on! What are you doing? World's smallest cameras. I just placed them all over the main hallways. Sweet! Thanks. Thumb-Thumbs! And Fooglies! Coming up the south hall! Got an idea? Yeah. Agent Donnagon? (Speaks gibberish) Where's my mom and dad? (Speaks gibberish) Thanks. I got it. What did he say? I'll play it backwards. TAPE: They're in the dungeon. Hurry! See if they know where the Brain Room is. Uh-oh! Thumb-Thumbs everywhere! Let's see if they like bubbles. We'll be back for you, fellow agents. P.A.: All robots, please report to docking bays four, five and six for immediate loading. This is the ventilator shaft, here. Yeah, but the dungeon's on the other side of the castle. How do we get there undetected? I think they've gotten smarter since the last time we met. Intruder. Intruder. (All yell) Intruder! Intruder! Intruder! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Can you make it? I think so. Come on! Run! Carmen! Find Mom and Dad! I hope this leads to the dungeon. (EERIE NOISES) You there! What's that on your hands? Warts, aren't they? Oh, great. From sweaty hands sprout warts. Do you know why you have sweaty hands? From being scared all the time. You don't look very scared to me. You don't look very scared to me. That's because I'm mad! You kidnapped my parents, made robot children, and swallowed up my sister! and swallowed up my sister! But I didn't want any of that. I thought Floop was a genius. I thought Floop was a genius. You did? (Sighs) You watch my show! More than you know. Alexander Minion. Agent Cortez. Wonderful to see you again. You know him? Yeah. He was on the third brain project. Until I noticed he was trying to inject his own ideas into the system. I turned him in. He was thrown out of the OSS. I'm afraid I'm not nearly the artist Floop is. But not to worry. I have...something else in mind. What do you think you'll accomplish by doing this? Well, you see, Mrs Cortez, I have always been methodical, goal-oriented - psychotically so. goal-oriented - psychotically so. We're not afraid of you, Alex. So, I think it's refreshing to every once in a while... have some fun. Oh, don't worry about your little brats. They'll still be able to see you every weekday morning between 7:30 and 8:00. Ugh! (DOOR OPENS) (ARM SQUEAKS) I trust this time Floop will have a success to show us. The fabulous Floop is away on other business. Your army is complete. The ultimate destructive force is now within your grasp. The ultimate destructive force is now within your grasp. I'll believe that when I see it. Welcome back, Miss Gradenko. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) It's good to be back, Alex. Let's never have children. So Minion is the evil one? Yes! But I'll be blamed. You've every reason to be disappointed in me. So, what would you do if you could shut this thing off and get out of here? It's impossible. It can only be turned off from the outside. It's impossible. It can only be turned off from the outside. Just suppose. I'd stop Minion and stop the robot army and hope that the world would forgive me. and hope that the world would forgive me. (Spits out noisily) You're my hero, Floop. So, I'm gonna help you, then you're gonna help me. Minion must be stopped. Minion must be stopped. Just one thing. The show. What does it need? I know it needs something desperately, but I can't figure it out. Maybe you can. It needs...children. Hold still! Now, let's stop Minion. Must be stopped. MUST be stopped! This one's for my sister! Ugh! Ow, Juni! (Gasps) Hola! Carmen? Juni? Mom! (Screams) That's my Fooglie! The one I drew. It's Dad. You're here! What's he doing here? He's OK. He's OK. (Both laugh) How did you get here? Mom, I've been skipping school, going places, taking ferry rides in the city. OK. It's OK. I know. We'll talk when we get home. Running off to Belize. What?! You went where? You're right. Let's talk later. You're right. Let's talk later. No, no, no! You can tell me everything now, OK? Is that where you want to be? Free from your family? Hey! I used to. Not anymore. You turned my dad into a Fooglie? No, I didn't. But I might be able to change him back. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (CHAIR SQUEAKS) Gentlemen. Your army marches to meet us as we speak. Your faith and your patience have meant more than you know. I speak for Mr Floop when I say that the value we place on partnership... FLOOP'S VOICE: Minion, this is Floop. Please report to the robotics lab at once! We have huge, major, big-time problems with the robots. I thought you said Floop wasn't here. I thought you said Floop wasn't here. He's not! FLOOP: A problem, Mr Minion, as in mucho grande problemo. FLOOP: A problem, Mr Minion, as in mucho grande problemo. I'm gonna...just be a moment. FLOOP'S VOICE: Minion! Floop? Where are you? Behind you. What are you doing? You should be in line with the others. (Mimics Minion) "You should be in line with the others." Stop that. (Imitates) Stop that! Stop that this instant! Stop that this instant! Stop that right now! Or what? Oh. (DRAMATIC SPANISH GUITAR) Clever boy you've got there, Cortez. Very clever indeed. Yes. He gets that from his mother. Can I offer some sort of truce in exchange for your daughter? Spoken for. There you are. Didn't see you. Yaaagh! I'm going to show you what happens when you cross the line and involve family. Now let's get nice and comfortable. Yes. Promising. Thank you. You couldn't possibly! No, but YOU can! Don't let go. Ingrid? Hey, you two, come on. Fools. (Laughs) Come on. We have to keep the army from leaving the castle. We must get to the control room and hope their missions have not been programmed. What if they have? No one on Earth can stop them. One at a time. Go. Go. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Left, left, left, left, left, left, left. That way. Where's Mom and Dad? Your doppelgangers have them. Your doppelgangers have them. Can you shut them down? Your doppelgangers have them. Can you shut them down? It's too late. The third brain is linked to all the robot children. Can't you remove it? Can't you remove it? We can't just take 500 brains out! So, just reprogram it. That would take weeks! Just two words! A binary switch. Of course! So they would define right as wrong... So they would define right as wrong... And wrong as right. Come on! But it's not that simple! Figure it out. We'll be back for you. Teach them to be good. Have a seat, Mr Lithp. You'll be more comfortable. It's 'Lisp'. My army, Miss Gradenko, is the only comfort I need. (Funny voice) They're on their way now, sir. Minion? What happened to your head? Oh, don't worry - I think it's reversible. 1 Mom! Dad! (OMINOUS MUSIC) Careful. They're stronger and smarter now. So are we. Back! See? Oh, shiitake mushrooms! (TENSE MUSIC BUILDS) Whoa! Whooooaaaaah! Let's go. Lisp. I should've known you were behind this. I take it you are Minion. (Laughs squeakily) Miss Gradenko...I think. Oh, it's me all right. I owe my new look to your children. I owe my new look to your children. Remind me to raise their allowance. Minion, I think now would be a good time to see a demonstration of those wonderfully demonic children. to see a demonstration of those wonderfully demonic children. Certainly! Ugh! Whoaaa! Ugh! Your parents were so easy to capture. And you're not any better. Poor little Juni. Defenceless and weak. You're a worthless little squirt. Juni, don't listen to her. You're not worthless! You figured out how to get us here. You helped Floop realise he was good, not bad. You talked to the Fooglies AND saved Mom and Dad. You're strong, Juni! You're strong! You're not THAT strong, Juni! You're not THAT strong, Juni! Ow! Puny...Juni. It's all over. (Laughs) Ugh! Instant cement. That should hold 'em. Let's find Mom and Dad. Good idea. MINION ON P.A.: All robots report to the Grand Room for a final demonstration of your destructive powers. Mom! Dad! Juni! Close your eyes. We don't want you to see this. (THWACK! BANG! THUMP!) Whoa! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) INGRID: Any ideas? I'm thinking. I'm thinking. I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful! INGRID: Carmen? CARMEN: No. Juni? GREGORIO: Think. I've got it now. Yes! I've got it now. I think I got it. I think I got it. Tell us. Family, here's what we do. I'll take the hundred on the right. Ingrid, take the hundred on the left. Carmen, hundred centre left. And, Juni, centre right. It'll work. It'll work. There's 500 total, Dad. We need one more person. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Isador! Hello, little brother. Children! Tear 'em limb from limb. How? How? Kids are shaped by environment. Man... Of course! (Children shout) Ugh! Minion! Put me down! MINION: They have minds of their own now. Anything we tell them goes in one ear and out the other! Why did you come back? For the same reason I left. You know what? I don't remember that reason. Neither do I. (Sobs) It's OK. It's OK. It's OK. It's OK. Let it go. He's fine. He's gonna be fine. He's emotional. Latinos! OK, that's it. That's it. That's... So, what did you teach them? It's not what I could teach the children, but what YOU taught ME. You won today, Juni. And not because you were the biggest or the strongest, but because you are pure of heart and of mind. And now the robots have learned that as well. Thank you. We went on the old-fashioned adventure I'd always wanted. And we didn't do one thing right. No. We did TWO things right. There is something that we have to tell you. There is something that we have to tell you. Your father and I - we're secret agents. We have something to tell you. We're secret agents too. (INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC) TV REPORTER: Eight more incidents witnessed today all in different countries of yet another group of children who've done some incredible good deeds. It seems that a day doesn't go by that another amazing child performs some outstanding act of charity or community service. Who are these children and why are they so good at being good? I've got to have the business section. I thought you closed down your shop. I thought you closed down your shop. Yeah, but I gotta keep tabs on free enterprise. CARMEN: Boys, can we please stop fighting? TV: Hey, kids, it's time for 'Floops Fooglies'! Good morning, my children. Today, I'd like to introduce you to two new characters on our show, Carmenita and Junito. (MUSICAL BLEEPING) Ah, Cortezes, an emergency assignment has come up in the Far East. I need you on it right away. Sorry, Devlin, we haven't talked about this as a family yet, so... Whether we come out of retirement or not is a decision that's up to us... ..AND our kids. Uh, Gregorio, Ingrid, I wasn't talking to you. Meaning? This assignment is for Carmen and Juni. They're the ones we need. They're the two most amazing field agents that this organisation's ever seen. So, what do you say, kids? Are you up for it? Devlin, if you want the Cortezes, you take ALL the Cortezes. Even Mom and Dad. From now on, whatever we do, we do together. Spy work - that's easy. Keeping a family together - that's difficult. And that's the mission worth fighting for. (GROOVY SPY ACTION MUSIC) Supertext Captions by the Australian Caption Centre www.auscap.com.au www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 SONG: # Stay close I know that you're with me # Get down Stay out of sight # So quick Move like a flash # Then when you're gone you're safe # Spy kids are gonna save the world # Fly high It's time to save the world # Look out Always in danger # Move fast Everything's all right # Wake up # Nothing is stranger than what you'll find # Spy kids are gonna save the world # Fly high It's time to save the world # Little spies have a big surprise # And they don't expect me 'Cause we're kids # But you better watch out # Look out Always in danger # Look out Always in danger # Look out Always in danger # Look out Always in danger # Spy kids are gonna save the world. # SONG: # It's a cruel, cruel world # All you little boys and girls # And some mean, nasty people # Want to have you for their supper # But if you follow me you can all be free, free # You can all be free # As a bird on a big TV # If you dream, if you dream, if you dream my dream! # It's a cruel, cruel world Full of nasty boys and girls # And there's selfish, mean, nasty people # Nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty # But there's a way you can make your day # You can laugh, you can smile You can come and stay a while # You can dream my dream You can have it all with me # You can dream my dream You can dream my dream # You can dream # My dream. # (ROCK MUSIC POUNDS) (ATMOSPHERIC ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC)