1 Doh! (screams) Mmm! (guffaws) Does anyone else want to know why that sign is so funny? ALL: No. Come on, we're going to be late to the blooming of the Sumatran Century Flower. How come Lisa always gets to pick the family activities? Because I know every time you say pick a number from one to 10, it's always seven. That's because there were seven apostles. No, there were 12. Boy, that's a big staff, and still he wasn't that funny. (buzzing) 'The Venus Flytrap is a carnivorous plant which uses bait to lure unsuspecting prey 'into its digestive tract.' (laughing) Stupid prey! They never suspect anything. Whoo, a hot dog. (gobbling) Flower power, my ass. (Moe sighs) That's odd. It's 11.15 in the morning, and the bar is empty. I'm live at the Springfield Botanical Gardens, where we're minutes away from the blossoming of the Sumatran Century Flower, which only occurs once every hundred years. Hey, those are my customers slash only friends! Where are they getting their beer? Yeah! A cooler? I've been replaced by a cooler?! And who can blame 'em? (mutters) Eh, no point in moping around. Might as well join 'em and have a jolly old time. Ha. Oh, better set the alarm. (rifle cocking) (panting) Here I am. One of the crowd. I'm comfortable, I'm calm... Anybody looks at me, I got a hypodermic full of bleach. Uh, people, we are officially over capacity. We gotta kick one person out. Someone who's alone, already bitter, someone whose feelings have been trampled on so many times, one more won't make any.... Oh, Moe! (sighs): Yeah, that's me all right. Sorry, Moe. You can either walk out with dignity, or I can push you down this muddy hill. I'd prefer that you push me. Seeing how I'm desperate for any human contact. All right. All right. Thanks a lot. Oof! (grunting and yelling) (gasps) The flower's starting to open. (amazed murmuring) Everyone, flare your nostrils in olfactory anticipation! (disgusted murmuring) Oh, man, the plant cut one! Bart, plants don't... Whew! (groaning) Oh, man! Ay-yi-yi! Que flora malodorosa! Ugh. That smells worse than James Coco's ski boots! Oh, yeah, that's mildly better. (yelling) Listen to those lucky people enjoying that pretty flower. I got nothing ` just this can. Ha! At least there's someone worse off than me. (amorous giggles) (giggles) (sighs) (screaming) (grunts) So long, suckers! D'ohh! Well, at least we're outside instead of sitting home watching TV. I hear that. Hey, that car has a TV in it! We now return to... The Beverly Hillbillies Down Under. Hey, Grannie! I'm gonna be a professional didgeridoo player. (playing didgeridoo) Well, now it's a didgeri-don't! JETHRO: Oh, Grannie! Could you put on the baseball game? My kids are watching a movie. Oh, come on. Help a brother out. Why don't you call my secretary and make an appointment, 'brother'? A dream deferred is a dream denied. Dad, the traffic's moving. Woo-hoo! Pedal to the metal! My baby! Your baby! No! Well, this is it. The last call for Moe. (sobbing) God! God... Wha...?! Moe! Thank God, you saved my baby! That hideous man is a hero! (crowd cheering) Heh. Life don't seem so hard no more. Mmm! (guffaws) . Look. Maggie's in the paper with Moe. How cute. (gasps) Look at those pants. They're standing up with no one in them! (doorbell rings) Hey, I was in the neighbourhood and thought I'd, you know, check in on Maggie. Moe, I'm glad you're here. I wanted to thank you so much for saving my baby, so I knitted you a nice, warm sweater. Aw, look at that. That's so soft and thoughtful, and... what's the gag? Is it full of chiggers? No, no. All that's in there is love and gratitude. Aw, jeez, there's something in my eye. Ah, it's just some glass. So, how's the little tyke doing? (cooing) (chuckles) Ain't she adorable? (car horn honking) My God, I'm late for work. (gasping) How you got in my carpool, I'll never know. The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming! Oh, Lord. Why do they keep changing his medication? Look at me! I'm Speedy Alka Seltzer! Whoa! Moe, I've got to handle this. Can you keep an eye on Maggie? Moe, I've got to handle this. Can you keep an eye on Maggie? Me? Yeah, uh... yeah, sure, If you don't think I'd spook her or nothing. No, you'll be fine. I'll be right back. GRAMPA: I got lindenberries! So, how's it going? Hey, you-you want to see me, uh, dislocate my arm? Take a look at this. (groans) (laughs) It was years before I could do this without fainting. Still hurts. Grampa, stop! Sayonara, Tojo! # La, la, la, la... la, la, la! # Oh, Lord. Hey, Mag, Raggedy Andy over there has been giving you the button-eye. I'll get rid of him. All right, come on. Out you go. Well, I finally caught up with Grampa. I found him crying in the cemetery. Thanks for taking care of Maggie. Oh, no problem. You know, it gave me kind of a good, warm feeling ` like when you get drunk and fall asleep in the snow. Yeah, well, I'd better go. (whimpers) Aw, there, there, Mags. I'll be back sometime. (crying) Wow, she really likes you. Maybe the next time I need a sitter, and you're not busy... I-I'd love to. Uh, uh, let me just check my schedule here. Well, I was going to erase those two apostrophes and replace them with G's, but that's about it. So, you know, call anytime. (crying) Why is she crying? Oh, that's right. I still got her nose. Here ya go, ya little idiot. (coos) Ball pit, that's nice. One, two, three colours. You got them all. Oh, what a face. She looks just like you. You calling her repellent? Well, no... no, I was just... Cos you ain't exactly Karen Allen yourself, you know. You idiot. I was trying to pick you up. Oh, great. Uh, well, why don't you play with the baby while I go rent a room? (groans) Boy, that's one for the Christmas letter. What a nut. # Ooh, you make me live # # Oh, you're the best friend # Ha-ha. # That I ever had # # I've been with you such a long time # # You're my sunshine... # (all gasp with delight) Way to go, Mom. Homemade dim sum with eight kinds of dipping sauce. This is the best Year of the Rat ever. Well, I have so much free time now that Moe's our babysitter. Yeah, it's great that Maggie's got a father figure in her life. She... hey, wait, that's supposed to be me! You could be my father figure. You could be my father figure. No way! I'm not getting my fingerprints on that train wreck. But if I lose Maggie, I'm O for three. I've got to get her back. I can help you. I said, pipe down, Amtrak. Maggie, look what's in your ear. A penny. (gulps) OK, we won't tell no one about that. Now, let's see, what else can we do? We can't tickle Elmo no more... Coochie, coochie coo. No means no for Elmo! Ow. And this Slinky... these things are fun for about two seconds. Yeah, that's it, slink away. Hmm. Alice In Wonderland, huh? Ah, this must be a take-off on that Alice In Underpants movie I saw. Ha. It's so nice to be with someone who can't understand the horrible things I say. White rabbit... chicks poppin' mushrooms... This is like the Playboy Mansion. Maybe I can think of a story more suitable for a baby. Oh, I got one. It starts out with a beautiful wedding, but the father of the bride was nowhere to be seen. He was granting favours to all of his bestest buddies. I think we could scare that movie producer by putting a horse's blanket in his bed. Imagine waking up and seeing you got the wrong kind of blanket. How about a horse's head? Oh, you see here. That's why you're the Godfather. (groans) And the Godfather's playing with his grandson, see? So he sticks an orange in his mouth, like this. (growling) (laughing) OK. And now, it's intermission. (moans) Give me a break, will you? It's a friggin' saga. Don Bardzini gets whacked. Tessio, oh... you won't see him no more. Moe Greene? Bam! He gets it right in the eye. And Michael is now the new Godfather. And he shuts the door on Annie Hall. (crying) (whimpering) Oh, no, no, baby, no, no. Uh... OK, Part Two. Little Anthony is having his first communion at Lake Tahoe. Meanwhile, Michael can't get a gaming licence. But Senator Geary has got one weakness: call girls. (laughing) That's right. (people talking) This party's boring. Everything here is for babies. I'm helping Daddy! Lisa, it says one year and up. Oh, there she is, the birthday girl. Oh, your mommy tied a bow for you, huh? I'd better retie it, the way you like it. (giggles) I know it don't seem like it matters, but you know, she hates looking like crap. Uh-huh. Hey, hey, hey, Osh Kosh B'Gosh. She don't want what you're shovelling. Mr Moe, my son was only playing next to this girl who is not your daughter. Yeah, sure he was, Nahasapasa- I'm-a-raisin'-a-pervert. Back off, Moe. Maggie wants to be with me. (groans) Yes, this is how we play. # The squirmy, wormy spider # # Squirts out of Daddy's hands # # Daddy feels rejected # # He's gonna eat some cake. # Oh, a rattle! Thank you, Selma. Yeah, great present, Selma. Nice of you to break a five. (growls) Get a neck, Frankenstein. Hey, open my present. Open my present! It's Uncle Moe's Play Tavern, with classic drunk Barney. Look, even the little toilet is broken. I don't know if toy drunkards are an appropriate gift for a baby. Sure they are. They even talk. Look. (Homer's voice): I peed my pants. I recorded that for private use! (Maggie crying) Your turn. No, it's your turn. MOE: I got it. It's OK. Moe, What are you doing here? Well, Maggie was crying. I heard her on my baby monitor. You have your own baby monitor in our child's room? Yeah, I had to. It's so weird watching the video and not getting any sound. That's it, Moe. This is just too weird. You are not allowed to see Maggie any more. Well, can I at least give her this Moe-bile? (playing simple tune) Huh? Huh? Get your own family, Moe. Hey, you never cared about Maggie till I started paying attention to her. Last night at the bar, you called her 'Raquel.' Get out! Is that 'get out' like leave, or 'get out' as in 'Get out.' Get out! Get out, that-that... OK. Maybe I can catch a late show of Alice in Underpants. Or maybe Put 'em on the Looking Glass. Or you work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. You might only drive short distances to work each day. You might not drive your car to work at all. You might park securely at work. Or these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. Or you work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we get that everyone's not the same, so we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. Call: Or go to youi.co.nz today. Does anyone else want to know why that sign is so funny? ALL: No. 1 Boy, I'm like a mess here. I feel so lonely without that kid. You still got us, Moe. You guys mind if I, uh... kiss your tummies? (intrigued murmurs) (sighs) Here comes the airplane. (mimics aeroplane) All gone. # Toys and cakes and pets and brotherhood... # (sobbing) It's our song. Now, there'll be no more trouble from that meddlesome bartender. Yeah. You know, looking at this sweet, precious child makes me want to have one of our own. FAT TONY: Tonight I want you boys to take out the Castellaneta family. Aah, I don't know, Boss. My passion for whacking is waning. Perhaps this will cheer you up. (muffled grunt) (delighted squeal) (cackling) Oh, that's better. I could whack my own mother now. I'm glad you brought that up. Kill my mother? She makes such good pasta sauce. It comes from a can. She's a corpse. (lighthearted humming) (gasps) (horrified scream) What are you screaming about? Did you discover my snake farm? Cos I can explain. I'm going to farm and sell snakes. Maggie's gone! It must have been Moe! He's got your kid, but don't worry. Everything is gonna be OK. (heavy thud) (horrified scream) (grunts) Scum, freezebag! (gasps) I mean freeze, scumbag! You can't write stuff like that. See, that's why sitcoms are dying. Chief, it's just a ham. (relieved sighs) Thank goodness. Well, boys, looks like we've solved the case of the missing ham. Let's go. No! We have to find my baby! Oh, Maggie's missing? You got to let me help find her, please. We have a special bond. Even greater than her bond with the duck-shaped washcloth. OK, you can help us. Well, I think we know when we're not needed. You guys are the world's worst cops. No. Now that I'm off duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach. Heh. (dog barking) It looks like Maggie crawled through these bushes, spit up over here, and crashed her tricycle into the wall. Uh... no, that was me. Here's a clue: a discarded orange wedge. Orange wedge? (muffled grunts) Marge, do mobsters ever congregate outside your house? All the time. Sometimes I bring them lemonade. Listen, I think we might have to make a trip to Little Italy. I'll get our little passports. So you see, you have no choice but to sell out to me. Oops! Clumsy me. I will consider your proposal in the restroom as I tidy up. Boys? ALL: Whoops! Clumsy us. We must all go to the restroom, too. Those fellows should really consider sippy cups. Look, Boss. It's a baby! Oh, a bambino! Or is it a bambina? I no speak any language so good. We have considered your proposal, and our answer is no. Boss, they hid guns in the men's room! Aah, clumsy me. I dropped my fork. Boys, help me pick it up. Now, hold on here. I'm President of the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League. And this really burns my cannoli! (hammers cocking) (loud gasp) Maggie's right in the middle of that Italian-American Mexican standoff! Oh, my God, I've got to save her! No. You've got a family. I'm the guy with nothing and no one. No, no, don't try to stop me. We're not. Your sleeve got caught on that tree. Here, let me unhook you. Off you go. Off you go. Yeah, thanks. (hammers cocking) Gee, huh, this is the second most guns ever pointed at me. You know, a couple of weeks ago, I wouldn't have minded if you shot me. But all that's changed, because of this little girl here. Look at her. Ain't she a doll? (gun drops to floor) (gangsters sobbing) I ain't cried like this since I paid to see Godfather III. Here's your baby back. Thanks, Moe. I'm sorry we thought you were a baby-napper. Or worse, am I right? Hey, hey, the important thing is, little Maggie is safe. (clears throat) Well, uh, I got to get home. There might be a telemarketer calling or something. I-I'll see you when you're old enough to drink, OK, Magpie? Oh, great, I'm caught on another tree. Lousy, shirt-grabbing, sap-dripping... Wha...?! I don't think Maggie wants you out of her life, Moe. Moe, I was just thinking, if Maggie and I were in the neighbourhood, maybe we could drop by and have a playdate. With you and your ham. We'd like that, Homer. # Ooh, you make me live # # Whatever this world can give to me # # It's you, you're all I see # # Ooh, you make me live now, honey # # Ooh, you make me live... # Captioned by Media Access Group www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016