# D-ohh! (screams) Oh, boy, Casino Night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six. I really shouldn't be here-- I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face. Aw, Marge, I bet you've gotten that out of your system. Bet... system... betting system! God is telling me to gamble! Hey! Hey! Hey! Deal! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Busted! (squeals) Welcome to Springfield Elementary Casino Night. My fee for this evening goes to victims of my criminal recidivism. So, relax, have fun and please, God, don't piss me off. Congratulations. Mr. Student Body President. Your Casino Night is a huge success. Thanks, Principal Skinner. I got the idea from an episode of Saved By The Bell. Mm, that was always on too late for me. I'll put everything on lucky 17. Z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh! Whoo-hoo! Z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh! Whoo-hoo! Z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohh, z-ohhh. Whoo-hoo! And the winner is... 17! I win! This is it, baby. First thing tomorrow, we're getting a PlayStation One! Ooh... I'd like to cash in these chips. Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash. Sir, this casino is for charity. These chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie. I'll be bringin' spark plugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you! But I'm up $200,000! Give me my money! You think I won't manhandle a little boy?! You don't understand-- it's not real money! None of these people have won any money! ALL: Huh?! Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday. (yelling) (screaming) Look at me! I'm a big man! But I break... just like a little girl. (clamouring) Well, this was a disaster. I should have known. The same thing happened on Saved by the Bell. Care for a milk? No, thank you. Martin, in light of this fiasco, you're going to have to resign as president. (choked up): I will have that milk now. Easy there. That's whole milk. I'm a private citizen now. I can drink what I like. You won't have Martin Prince to kick around any more. (military drum and bugle dirge) Well, I guess we're gonna need a new Student Body President. We're from Acme Amusement Rental. We're looking for Principal Skinner. Uh... yes, we all are. Whoo... (humming) Ohh. Hey, Student Body President. I could join past presidents like Otto or Krusty. Nelson, you're running for President? I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I do have all the answer keys to every test. (students clamouring) Fractions? Dinosaurs? Foreign money? The first Thanksgiving? Nelson, what are you doing? Real estate licence exam? My ticket to freedom! ALL (chanting): Nelson! Nelson! (sotto voce): I'm doomed. (Lisa sighs) I can't beat Nelson. Why don't you start a rumour that he's... ding-a-ling-a-ling! (high-pitched, singsong): Hello! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, what a delicious quiche! I drive a pink Miata. I can't believe Nelson is more popular than me. # La, la, la, la, la, la, la... # Honey, you can be popular. You've just got to be yourself... in a whole new way. No, I'm gonna stick to my platform of incremental policy amelioration: fluoridated water fountains, vegan lunch options... (falsetto): My name is Nelthon! I use a thalad fork. La-dee-dah! I wash my face. Where did you get that tutu? (normal voice): Clothesline. (crazed laughter) ...and we deserve a French teacher who actually speaks French. J'accuse, Monsieur Kupferberg! (Brooklyn accent): What's she yakkin' about? I rest my case. (woman coughs) Nelson, rebuttal? Yo, everyone, it's me, Nelson. (students cheer) (chanting): Nelson! Nelson! Nelson! Nelson! Nelson! # I'm not that cool # # I don't wear jeans # # I've polished an apple or two # # But every grade that I grubbed # # I grubbed it for you # # So call me bookworm # # But I'll never squirm when there's work to be done # # Yes, I'll take my lunch at my desk # (sobbing) (thump) # While you're all outside having fun... # # Don't vote for me, kids of Springfield # # Unless you want an effective leader # # I'll talk to teachers # # I'll handle Skinner # # A vote for Lisa makes you the winner. # STUDENTS: # Vote Lisa, vote Lisa, vote Lisa! # Hey, I've got a song, too. # I am iron man # # Do, do, do, do, do, do, do # # Vote for me! # Aah, screw it. Oh, boy, Casino Night! # "Lisa." "Lisa." "Lisa." Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate, "Skinner Sucks." Skinner!! I'm worried. This girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself. She's like a female Eleanor Roosevelt. Yeah, the students will do anything she says. She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper. Hmm, yeah. We've got to find a way to control her. Hey, maybe that escaped mental patient you hired has some sort of toxin in his shack... Yes, hello, Willie. Well, if you ask me, a woman's weakness is her sense of vanity. Vanity? You might have something there, Edna. So, when's my inauguration? Hmm, let's see... When hell freezes over, tough guy. You wanted to see me? Actually, Lisa, I wanted you to see you. You're our president now, but you look like the First Lady of "yawn." What would you change? TEACHERS: # Eyes, pearls, smile, hair points # # Dress, voice, shoes, Swatch watch # # I may be the new girl # # But you can't brainwash me # # Just osh-kosh-b'gosh me # # And then leave me be # # To fight for kid-power # # I must be heard, not seen # # I have to lead wisely # # Not just primp and preen! # TEACHERS: # Nails, dimples, ears, scrunchie # # Purse, lunch box, teeth, Milhouse... # # This cute-ing-up suits me # # There's beauty within me # # So let's Olsen-twin me # # Give them someone to love # # This grownup makeover # # Has made me a super-tween # # For they are my people # # And I am their queen! # Oh, Lisa, you look so successful. Like you're the wife of a businessman. I wish I had married a businessman. Then I'd have nice things. Well, it's a little over the top, but there's no reason I can't look good and take back the playground from the gypsies. Is our Frisbee now. Hey, Lisa, can I get a photo for the front page? It'll either be a picture of you or the drinking fountain that won't stop running. Make it snappy, Milhouse. I've got an important meeting in the teachers' lounge. The teachers' lounge. Is it true they make fun of students in there? Oh, don't be silly. GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: Look at me, I'm Milhouse. I've tucked me shirt into me underpants! (teachers laughing) I've got no friends, so I confide in Willie! (laughing harder) (nervous chuckle) (laughter continues) Oh, hello, Lisa. We were just, uh... discussing Vasco Da Gama. Well, I have some ideas for ways we can improve the classroom experience. We need to get teachers more involved. Have them meet with struggling kids in the morning before school. Fine. I'll come in early to meet with students. And I'll have hypnotherapy when? Or, we could hand out teachers' home phone numbers so kids can call them whenever they have questions. I've got a question: You're crazy. Look, in the Swedish public schools, the students grade the teachers on their performance... Outstanding notions! Each more implementable than the last. It's a shame you can't stay to discuss them. Here's your schedule for the day. "Photo op helping kindergartners take off snow boots..." "Move the brushfire hazard needle..." Shouldn't I stay here and work on school policy? Lisa, you were elected to be seen and enjoyed. Don't hide your light in a smoky back room, making dusty old decisions. (giggles) Well, I am proud of my light. But just in case you want to do any more thinking, I'm proud to present you with an official key to the study hall. (gasps) Use it any time you like. You mean I can come to the school after hours, weekends, even during the summer? Yes, it's like you're Harry Potter without the magic and wonder. Just sign these authorisation forms, you can be on your way. (chuckles) That little girl should learn to read things before she signs them. Excuse me? I was wondering if I should read what I just signed. Oh, it's just standard key release boilerplate. OK. Boy, she'll believe anything. Key release boilerplate? I find that very hard to believe. Mm-hmm, and yet there it is. I'll just lock this door. Boy, this key opens everything. (groans) And then, as School President, I don't have to take the hearing test. I'm so proud of you, Lisa. What? You're like Geraldine Ferraro, except you won where she failed miserably. Well, I think I can say with all humility, I am going to be the best school president ever. (sarcastically): Bravo, Lisa. Bravo. Aw, wasn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos. I was being sarcastic. You were? (heavy sarcasm): No. I was being sincere. Oh, I'm so confused. Lis, Skinner is using you, like a pawn on his unholy chess set. On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars. # I'm so happy with my evil plan # # Say goodbye to music, gym and art # # Soon we will have the perfect school # # Where fun and excitement never start # # I'm so drunk, I can barely see # # But it helps me get through another day # # My stomach is filled with haggis and hurt # # I've got to go puke in some hay. # # Lisa is a fool # # I think the rules are cool # # I've fallen in the pool! # Hmm, not a cloud in the sky-- a perfect day to unveil Operation SLAAAM: So Long Athletics Art And Music. Care for a T-shirt? T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "Male Prostitute"? Oh, well... I... Forgive me, sir. (gasps) They've taken everything! Oh, no! (sobbing) Look what they've done to my triangle! I'm doing it! I'm almost to the top! Hello, self-esteem! Repo man. (grunts and groans) Ha, ha! I love this job. "All extracurricular activities are hereby cancelled, to be replaced by nothing." (all gasp with horror) Who would sign such an order? "As ordered by Principal Skinner and approved by Student Body President Lisa Simpson!" (all gasp) And to think I was going to ask you to the dance. I would have gone with you. Well, you still can. Well, I don't feel like it now. (groans) That's cool. (slapping) Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! (deep rumbling) Aah! Look, they're taking away the art room! I'll be cookin' me Lean Cuisine in your kiln tonight. (evil laugh) # What have I done? # # What they wanted you to. # # Skinner betrayed me! # # But a tango takes two! # I almost had a date. I've got to tell Willie about this. Oh, boy, Casino Night! # (singsong): # Lisa is a sell-out! # Lisa is a sell-out! # Lisa, what's a sell-out? With the band gone, how'll I know who to beat up? Oh, they eliminated "English for Fat Kids"! OK, you'll do. (both grunting) Lis, you made this school even worse. And it wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with. They made me pretty and popular just so they could exploit me and ruin my good name. Lisa, you've got to stand up to these guys, and when you do, people will remember you. Just look at these postage stamps. There's Bugs Bunny, Fat Elvis, Autumn in New England, Bats of the Southwest... all heroes. You want to see Elvis kiss a bat? (mimics Elvis): Hey, baby, come here. I want to kiss you. Squeak, squeak, squeak! No, don't kiss me! You tricked me into betraying my fellow students! Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It's written on the back of a place mat. And not a good place mat. It's from some place called Doodles. I see. Principal Skinner, may I make an announcement to the school? I can't see the harm. I hereby resign as your president, and for my last act, I call a general student strike, effective immediately! Give me that! And student caught striking will be severely disciplined, unless all of you do it, then I'm stymied. Strike! Strike! Strike! Lisa, please, help me lure them back. I had to do what I did. Our budget is stretched tighter than Mother's sauna pants. Seymour, quit using me in analogies. Yes, Mother. Principal Skinner, I will not call off this strike until you bring back Music and Art. What about Gym? Meh. (chanting): Hey, hey, Seymour S., nurture our well-roundedness. Sneeze, puke, burp, fart, we want Music, Gym and Art! Why didn't I cancel Sign-Making and Creative Chanting? Principal Skinner, can't you just reinstate those programmes? Would you be willing to pay an extra $1.23 in taxes to fund them? No way! I'm saving for a speedboat. Strike! Strike! Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of troublemaking I expect from your brother. You do? Cool, a blank cheque for mayhem. (grunts) (groans) Mom, I was elected to make this a better school. Well, couldn't you just hang some colourful crepe paper in the gym? They've taken away our crepe paper. Those fuddruckers! (siren whoops) Oh-oh, they heard me. Remember, boys, these are little kids, so take out your tiny batons. (chuckles) Chief Wiggam, we're just like you policemen. Don't you ever feel like the Mayor doesn't care about you? You mean the mayor who kept me waiting for two hours in that restaurant? I ate so much bread! Sit down, boys. We're joining this strike. Uh, Chief, are you sure the Mayor wasn't at a different Olive Garden than you? Well, I can't take that rattlesnake out of his mailbox now, now can I? Yes, Chief, you could. Well, let me ask you this: Shut up. The Springfield student strike has entered its fourth day with no end in sight. Today, professional buttinski Michael Moore arrived on the scene. Kids who don't get to take Music and Art are 10% more likely to become chronically unemployed and appear in one of my movies. Where'd you get that statistic? Your mother. The student strikers have been joined by other unions, including the Springfield goat milkers, the Association of Newsroom Cue Card Holders-- Ow!-- and the United Federation of Theme Park Zombies. Zombie eat brains, but zombie cannot swallow this injustice. The heart of the strike is former Student Body President Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say: Lisa is a nut, she has a rubber butt, every time she turns around it goes "put-put." Indeed, but that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration. Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school. Willie, can't you turn your hose on them? They are wee children. I'd sooner turn it on myself. Well, that's a good idea, too. See here, you nose-wiping hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh, we had a coal miner's strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive. Not even Willie. Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor, but I say cut off the head and the body will die. You want to get rid of Lisa? But she's such a good student. Yes, in fact, I think she's a little too good for this school. If we stand together, we are strong. ALL: Yay! Lisa Simpson, you've just been transferred to the Springfield Magnet School for the Gifted and Troublesome. Please climb into the idling bus. But... But I... # Poor Lisa! Poor Lisa! # # Don't cry for me, kids of Springfield # # You can still reach me through e-mail # # At smart girl six three # # Underscore back slash at Yahoo dot com # # at Yahoo dot com. # Bonjour, Lisa. Regardez notre bibliotheque. Oh, this place is paradise. Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all, just like my last massage. (tyres screech) I'm not driving 45 minutes a day! You can't go to that school! But this is my dream. Why can't you have a normal dream like being an Olympic figure skater? OK, let me take figure skating. Are you crazy? I'm not getting up at 6:30 every morning so you can prance around a frozen pond and think you're better than me. Well, what can I be? I don't know. How about a horse whisperer? OK. Over my dead body. Captioned by Media Access Group www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 (murmuring) Shh!