1 D-ohh! (screams) Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 Look, Smithers, crackle-berries! Spot me a federal, will you? Sir, I've spotted you over $100,000 this year. Perhaps you could carry your own money. (chuckles) Money is for the poor. Why don't you use your ATM card? Ah, yes, the automated teller machine-eola-trola-maton. Ugh... oh... umph... Ooh, Smithers, guide me in. My pleasure, sir. Smithers, what's my password? It's your age, sir. Excellent. (beeping) Let's see... what's the smallest amount of money I can think of? $1,000! Oh, my moolah! It's escaping my clutches! (buzzer sounding) Your kid sucks! (mechanically): Bring it on! ANNOUNCER: Hockey dads... commence fighting! "Hockey Dad" rules! Feel the drunken wrath of Chuck Shadowski! (grunting) Dad, stop! It's only assault... don't make it murder! Ignore, ignore! ANNOUNCER: You are a big man! Big man! (gasps) What? Umm... there's a ladybug in your hair. Get it out! Get it out! Got it! You're a good friend, Bart. The best you'll ever have. $1,000. Do you know how much furniture we could rent with this? You'll rent nothing! This money is mine. I found it! Which means someone lost it. You'll have to put up flyers and see if anyone claims it. (both gasp) Marge, this is why people don't tell you things. (chuckling) Well, we put up a flyer. Let's see someone claim that money now. (chuckling) Hey, what does that flyer say? What if it's for guitar lessons? We must know! I'm on it! Uh-oh. You know the drill. Try to land on my back-fat. Can you describe the bill? Describe? Sure, of course. Whose picture is on it? Uh... it would have to be somebody famous... I'm gonna say... Hitler. Next! MAN: Um... does the bill have bank teller blood on it? No, it doesn't. I'm sorry I wasted your time. That's the last of them. You did the right thing, Bart, and now you can keep the money. Sweet! What am I going to do with $1,000? # It's Bart's moon party from outer space # # With R2-D2 playin' the bass... # Hmm, no one's touching the hors d'oeuvres. # It's Bart's moon party from outer space... # What? Bart, why don't you spend the money on something for Mom? She does so much for us. Well... someday I'd like to go on a nice vacation. We've gone on plenty of great vacations. Yeah, but you always wind up kidnapped, or on a chain gang... and I don't even want to get into what happened on our honeymoon. HOMER: I still don't know why you had that photo enlarged. Oh, forget it. Bart, don't waste your money on me. (sighing) Great lady. MILHOUSE: Look at the cross-hatching on Grover Cleveland's tie! I completely buy the illusion of shadow. This must be worth, like, a million dollars. (bell ringing) Time's up! Beat it, do-rags! I want to see it some more. If you let me keep looking at it, I'll give you a quarter. Hmm... this gives me an idea. (all gasping) What's all this other stuff? Hey, I'm charging five bucks to get in. They deserve to see the boy behind the bill. Bart, that exhibit over there is biased, insensitive and anti-feminist. Ugh! You can't whitewash history, Lise. What do I get if I join the museum as a "Friend of Bart"? A subscription to BartForum magazine and Bart will say "eat my shorts" on your home answering machine. How much to have Bart crank-call me? (chuckling): That would be hilarious. Ah, that's just me, though. You know, I love to laugh. Young man, I believe you have something that belongs to me. Prove it, Bony Curtis. When the errant bill struck my chest, it left a distinctive bruise. Had my heart been inside at the time, it could have been fatal. BART: It's a perfect match! Yoink! (scoffing) Without that bill, this ain't a museum. The Hard Rock Cafe in Phoenix has better crap. I'm recycling this pin in disgust. Bart, your museum took in over $3,000! Finally, I can get what I've always wanted... a used Toyota. Bart, I don't care what Mom said. I think you should use this money to take her on a nice vacation. Well... okay. For Mom, I'll do it. Where should we go? Well, I'd like to return to Brazil, but I hear the monkey problem is even worse now. I want to go to England. How come? Back in 1944, I was stationed over there and I met a beautiful girl... Edwina, my slowly- opening flower, I'm shipping out in the morning. Won't you make this night memorable? Anything for you, my brave Yank. I say... oh... nice. GRANDPA: Little did I know I really was shipping out in the morning. I'll never forget you, Edwina! But I did... until just now. Grandpa, that's so romantic! We gotta go to England! That sounds great. But only if your father promises to behave. Marge, I'll be on my best behaviour. You have my word as a gentleman and a lady. Now, let's see, which rifle should I bring? (groaning) (GENTLE MUSIC) (SIREN WAILS) (EXCITING MUSIC) (TYRES SCREECH) ASB want to help a little ambulance like this grow up to be a big one for St John. Buy your St John toy ambulance for $15 at ASB. All proceeds go to St John to help buy a real ambulance. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. 1 Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom. Prime Minister Tony Blair? Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport? Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st century Britain. Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone? No, but thank you. Tony... I mean, Mr. Prime Minister... what should we see first? There's so much to see here: Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the white cliffs of Dover... Oh, and you Americans love castles-- there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born. The place I was born is now a gator farm. Smashing. Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country. I'd love to, but I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio. (spy music plays) Wow, I can't believe we met Mr. Bean. England is so classy. Every cab has its own butler. Actually, I'm not a butler. I had already hired this cab when you got in, but the more the merrier and all that. Make with the tea, Jeeves. Yes, very good, sir. We're big-shot tourists from everyone's favourite country: the USA. We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant. So give me some free maps, and none of that dry British wit. (dryly): I wouldn't dream of it, sir. Thank you. (groans) Did you spend an unforgettable night with a soldier from the U.S. Army in 1944? You did? Was he from the first infantry division? He was? And was he a gentle, caring lover? He was? Sorry I bothered you. I don't know if I'm ever gonna find her. Oh, Dad, I wish there was something I could do. Touch that mini bar and you're dead! Oh... ("Rule Britannia" plays) Look, it's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books. You've turned a generation of kids on to reading. Thank you, young muggle. Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series? He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear? Yes. All right, who's hungry? We're right near a Judi Dench's Fish and Chips. (over speaker): Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish and Chips. Now completely free of Mad Fish Disease. Fish? I don't know, I'm not really a vegetarian. Please order, or Miss Dench will be furious. She'll beat us, she will. JUDI DENCH: Who are you talking to? No one, mum, I swear. I'll "mum" you! (punching) Blimey! (sign buzzes) Well, Marge, you got to admit, I've been on my best behaviour this trip. You punched out three people on the street. That was over soccer results. Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellow card in the box? Do you understand any part of what you just said? I understand the word "gave." Unless it means something else in this country. Word to the wise, British candy is a bit sweeter than what you're used to across the pond. Look, tea bag, just fork over the brown. (British-style rock plays) (both tittering) Homie, I don't think we'll be able to find the kids from up here. Now, now, let's just look. There's Big Ben, there's Piccadilly Circus. There's Jimmy Page, one of the greatest thieves of American Black music who ever walked the Earth. Bup, there's the kids. (spy music playing) (motor whirring) (groaning) Look at those filthy urchins. Surely they could never be taught proper manners. One gold sovereign says I could do just that. Oh, it's a bet, Lord Daftwager. You can't bet on my kids. This is America, pal. Don't worry, we'll find more wagers. I love you, Lord Daftwager. Yes, and I you. (moaning) Yes, quite. Oh, look at all these classy British plays. I don't have a cherry orchard. (gasps) Sir Ian McKellen! You're my favourite Shakespearean actor. Thank you, my dear. Please take these free tickets to my play. What? What play? We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud. You mean Macbeth? Quiet, you blundering fool. You'll curse us all. What, by saying Macbeth? Aah! Stop saying it! Saying what? Macbeth! Aah! Now I've said it. Oh, this is cool. Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! Bart, stop saying "Macbeth." Mom, you said "Macbeth." Mr. Macbeth, I'm really sorry. That's quite all right. You didn't know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give. Good luck. It's bad luck to say that, too. (gasping) Homie, you're doing a great job driving on the left. This is turning out to be our most enjoyable trip ever. Yes, this trip is entirely uneventful. (chuckles) Dad, no! You turned into a roundabout! (circular screams) MARGE: Turn, turn, keep turning, keep turning, keep turning, keep turning... HOMER: I see an opening. No, it's too risky! We'll just wait till the traffic thins out. Turn, turn, keep turning, keep turning... (fatigued): ...keep turning, keep turning... That's it. I'm acting the way America acts best-- unilaterally. (horns honking) (screaming) (screaming) Okay, I'm gonna go over there and see if they're cool. Okay, let's see... Oh, you can buff that out. You can buff that out. That's factory error. That thing's supposed to be on fire. Lady, please. Get back in your overturned car. Let the guys handle this. We'll deal with him, Your Majesty. "Your Majesty"? (imitates whiplash) Dad, you rear-ended the Queen of England. The Queen of what?! D-ohh! (grunts, screams) (trumpet fanfare blares) Changing of the guard. (groans) Wait, we have to exchange insurance! (screams): Oh! Ow! Oh! Perhaps you could carry your own money. (chuckles) 1 (gavel bangs) Homer Simpson, you are hereby charged with damaging the Royal Coach, and putting several dents in the Royal Horse. How do you plead? Milord, we Americans love queens, be they homecoming or Dairy. This woman, however, is an impostor. (gasping) Her luggage is inscribed "H.R.H.", which means her real name must be... Henrietta R. Hippo.. Why did you let him be his own barrister? What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' queen! I guess it's just too much for me to ask for one vacation where we don't go to jail or to a condo sales pitch. Your Honour, I've completely disappointed my wife. That's punishment enough. You understand these things. You're a grandmother. I'm a man! Oh! And a very manly one, if I may say so, milord. If I might say a word? (gasping) I haven't had an easy life. I've seen my country ravaged by war, my family torn by tragedy, and then, as I was innocently making my way to the shops to buy light bulbs, I was blindsided by this great, lumbering brute. Boy, she's good. If she were a hundred years younger, and I were a hundred years older... (lusty laugh) If there is any love left in you for me, destroy him! America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones! In this cell sits Homer Simpson, the most villainous blackguard to be held in this tower since Edward the Puppy Eater. (gasping) Look at his great, staring eyes. Like saucers they are! 'E claimed he was me father, 'e did. Bart, you're not helping. Poke the monster with a stick! Tuppence a jab! C'mon, queue up, lads. Oh, Marge, I'm so sorry. I should have listened to whatever it was you were saying. It's partly my fault. I've been nagging you so much on this trip, you couldn't know which nags to focus on. Well, Marge, if I die here, there's one thing I want you to remember: don't buy any videotapes in England. They won't work in our VCR! (sobbing) Dear God of England, please let me go. In return, I will spell the word "color" with a "u", and I will use the metric system with every cubic milliliter of blood in my... Oh, I can't do it. It's so stupid! LISA: Dad! Huh? We found a secret tunnel out of the tower. It was used by Sir Walter Raleigh! A secret tunnel? I don't know. Won't that get me in more trouble? Homer, you couldn't be in more trouble. They're going to put your head on a pike. They're practicing with melons. Smash it on. Don't worry it. Let the pike do the work. Okay, what do I do? Push the grey brick in the back of the fireplace. Sweet freedom, here I... (screams) Put out the fire first. Boy, it's a good thing I'm leaving before I went nuts. Good-bye, Sparkly Elves. Good-bye! Oh, my God! We've made a terrible mistake. This tunnel comes out in the worst possible place. An elephant's butt? Yes, Bart, an elephant's butt. Boy, a Krispy Kreme would really clean up down here. Hey, this place is amazing! It's fit for a duke, or even an earl... (gasps) (blows whistle) Uh-oh. The queen's in trouble. And you didn't want to give her a whistle. (screams) Please, Your Majesty, I know that I, like many other Americans, have behaved like a total buffoon. But we Americans are England's children. I know we don't call as often as we should, and we aren't as well-behaved as our goody-two-shoes brother, Canada-- who, by the way, has never had a girlfriend. I'm just saying... But, please, find it in your jewel-encrusted heart to forgive me. That was very sweet of the queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America. WOMAN (muffled): Oh, I'm telling you! Oh, I'm English! Englishwomen don't pump gas naked. See you in Atlanta, jerk! Abe Simpson, are you leaving again without saying good-bye? Edwina, you got my message! Oh... Sorry I never saw you again. I just felt the cultural differences between us were too great. Plus, as the boat pulled away from the dock, I thought you looked fat. You don't have to apologise, Abe. You Yanks saved our bacon. Mmm! Bacon! D-ohh! Abe, this is my daughter Abbey. She's 58 this month. 58?! Well, 59 years ago, your mother and I were hav... Oh! Well, gotta go! See ya in heaven. Dang! Mummy, he's everything you said he was. Lady, you're gorgeous. You make Dame Edna look like a dude! Why, thank you. You're all right, love. Captioning by Media Access Group at WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015