TINKLY MUSIC PLAYS Supertext Subtitles Copyright 1993 Australian Caption Centre www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 WOMAN: Where's my suitcase? WOMAN: Where's my suitcase? BOY: Downstairs. GIRL: Who stole my hair dryer? BOY: Downstairs. GIRL: Who stole my hair dryer? Miss? Young lady! Excuse me. Girls! Hey! Hey, slow down! Hey! Excuse me, girls. BOY: Take the witches! Hey! Excuse me, girls. BOY: Take the witches! Hey! Hey, big fella! Come to the living room! Ma'am, excuse me. Ma'am! Come down here! Ma'am! Come down here! Son. Son! WOMAN: I just bought that! Big fella! Hey! Hey, hey! WOMAN: I just bought that! Big fella! Hey! Hey, hey! Pete's brother and his family are here. It's crazy! WOMAN: I just bought that! Big fella! Hey! Hey, hey! Pete's brother and his family are here. It's crazy! WOMAN: Trish is going to Montreal. Montreal? Oh, that's right ` her family's there. Then we're off. When do you leave? Tomorrow. Are you ready? When do you leave? Tomorrow. Are you ready? Of course we're ready. Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I? Kevin, I'm on the phone. When do you come back? Not till then? It's not even rated 'R'! He's just being a jerk. Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no, then it must be really bad. No, I'm not bringing the dog. Hey, hey, hey! Get off! Kevin, out of the room. bringing the dog. Hey, hey, hey! Get off! Kevin, out of the room. Hang up the phone and make me. This kid! Kevin, out of the room. Hang up the phone and make me. This kid! Hey, did you get the voltage adaptor? No, I didn't have time to do that. How am I supposed to shave in France? Grow a goatee. Dad, nobody lets me do anything. You don't have anything to do? You can pick up those micro machines in there. Aunt Lesley stepped on one and almost broke her neck. He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun. and almost broke her neck. He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun. Didn't we talk about that? Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I was making ornaments out of fishhooks. My new fishhooks? I can't make ornaments out of the old ones with dry worm guts stuck on them. I can't make ornaments out of the Peter. on them. I can't make ornaments out of the Peter. Come on, Kevin. Out. Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adaptor? Here's a voltage adaptor! Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adaptor? Here's a voltage adaptor! Kevin, you're getting heavy! Go pack your suitcase. Pack my suitcase? Do you know where's the shampoo is, Fuller? I don't live here! I don't believe it. There's this many people and no shampoo! Are your parents home? Yeah, but they don't live here. Tracy, did you order the pizza? Buzz did. Miss, are your parents here? My parents are in Paris. Sorry. Hi. Are your parents home? Yeah. Do they live here? No. Yeah. Do they live here? No. No, why should they? All kids, no parents. Probably a fancy orphanage. I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done this in my whole life. Tough. That's what Megan said. in my whole life. Tough. That's what Megan said. What did I say? You told Kevin, 'Tough.' The dope was whining about a suitcase. What am I suppose to do, shake his hand and say, 'Congratulations, you're an idiot'? I'm not an idiot. Oh really? You're completely helpless. Everyone has to do everything for you. She's right, Kev. Excuse me, puke-face, I'm a lot smaller than you. I don't know how to pack a suitcase. Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff. Shut up, Linnie. Do you know what I should pack? just pack crap, Jeff. Shut up, Linnie. Do you know what I should pack? Buzz told you, cheek-face ` toilet paper and water. Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call 'les incompetents'. your stuff anyway. You're what the French call 'les incompetents'. What? Bombs away! P.S. ` you have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink he's gonna wet the bed. This house is so full of people. It makes me sick! When I grow up and get married I'm living alone! Did you hear me? I'm living alone! I'm living alone! Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone? He just ate a whole load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple of weeks. Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits? Some don't. Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits? Some don't. But they've got nude beaches. babes don't shave their pits? Some don't. But they've got nude beaches. Not in the winter. MUSIC ON WALKMAN Buzz? MUSIC ON WALKMAN Buzz? Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad? Can I sleep in your room? I don't want to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed. hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed. I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass! SCRAPING NOISE if you were growing on my ass! SCRAPING NOISE Check it out ` Old Man Marley. Who's he? SCRAPING NOISE Check it out ` Old Man Marley. Who's he? Have you ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer? No. That's him. Back in '58 he murdered his whole family and half the people on the block... with the snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighbourhood ever since. Well, if he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him? Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone round here knows he did it. Now it'll just be a matter of time before he does it again. round here knows he did it. Now it'll just be a matter of time before he does it again. What's he doin' now? He walks up and down the streets every night salting the sidewalks. Maybe he's just trying to be nice. No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies. That's where he keeps his victims. Wow. mummies. That's where he keeps his victims. Wow. WHISPERS: Mummies. Yow! Look out! DRAMATIC MUSIC TYRES SCREECH TYRES SCREECH How are you kids doing, huh? Good? Lots of action around here today, huh? Going on vacation? Where are you going? You hear me or what? Going on a trip? Where are you going, kid? KNOCK AT DOOR Bah! KNOCKING CONTINUES OK, that's $122.50. Not for me, kid. I don't live here. Oh. Are you just around for the holidays? Not for me, kid. I don't live here. Oh. Are you just around for the holidays? I guess you could say that. Oh. Are you just around Hey, the pizza's here! I guess you could say that. Oh. Are you just around Hey, the pizza's here! There you go. That's $122.50. It's my brother's house. He'll take care of it. There you go. That's $122.50. It's my brother's house. He'll take care of it. BOY: Give me the cheese. Hey, listen, uh... He'll take care of it. BOY: Give me the cheese. Hey, listen, uh... Hi. Hi. Are you Mr McAllister? Yeah. The Mr McAllister who lives here? Yes. Good, because somebody owes me $122.50. Yes. Good, because somebody owes me $122.50. I'd like a word with you, sir. Am I under arrest or something? No, no, no, no, no. It's, uh, Christmastime. There's always lots of burglaries around the holidays, so we're just checking the neighbourhood to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions. Well, we have, uh, automatic timers for our lights, locks for our doors. That's about as well as anybody can do these days. Did you get some eggnog or something like that? Come on, Dad. Let's eat. Eggnog? Listen, will you be leaving...? Pizza! Pizza! Pizza! LESLIE: Grab yourself a napkin, and you're gonna have to pour your own drinks. Mom, does Santa Claus have to go through Customs? What time do we have to go to bed? Early. We're leaving the house at 8am on the button. I hope you're all drinking milk. I want to get rid of it. Hey, don't you dare! Honey, the pizza boy needs $122.50 plus tip. For pizza? needs $122.50 plus tip. For pizza? 10 pizzas times $12. Frank, you've got the money, don't you? Come on! Traveller's cheques! Forget it, Frank. We have cash. don't you? Come on! Traveller's cheques! Forget it, Frank. We have cash. You've probably got traveller's cheques that don't work in France. Did anyone order me a plain cheese? You've probably got traveller's cheques that don't work in France. Did anyone order me a plain cheese? Oh, yeah, we did. But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it all up, cos it's gone. LESLEY: Fuller, go easy on the Pepsi! Kev, Kev, get a plate! (RETCHES) Argh! (GROANS) EVERYONE EXCLAIMS Wow! EVERYONE EXCLAIMS Wow! Passports! Watch it! Mm! Passports! Watch it! Mm! Watch out! Let's get these passports out of here. The tickets are soaking wet! passports out of here. The tickets are soaking wet! KEVIN: You moron! Honey, come here. Are you all right? KEVIN: You moron! Honey, come here. Are you all right? Stop! What is the matter with you? He started it. He ate my pizza on purpose. He knows I hate sausage and olives... Look what you did, you little jerk! Kevin, get upstairs right now. Why? Kevin, you're such a disease! Kevin, get upstairs right now. Why? Kevin, you're such a disease! Shut up! Kevin, upstairs! Say goodnight, Kevin. Goodnight, Kevin. Now what's for dinner? We don't know. Why do I get treated like scum? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around. And my brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts. How come you didn't bring more cheese pizzas? Nice tip. Thanks a lot. Thanks. Having a reunion or something? No. My husband's brother transferred to Paris last summer. His kids are still in school here. We're spending the holidays in Paris so we can be together. You're taking a trip to Paris? We're spending the holidays in Paris so we can be together. You're taking a trip to Paris? Yes. We're leaving tomorrow morning. in Paris so we can be together. You're taking a trip to Paris? Yes. We're leaving tomorrow morning. Excellent. Excellent. Excuse me. This one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back. Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. Don't worry about your home. It's in good hands. There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one who has to make trouble. I'm the only one getting dumped on. You're the only one acting up. Now, get upstairs. I AM upstairs, dummy. The third floor? Go. It's scary up there. Don't be silly. Fuller's coming up soon. I don't want to sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. He'll pee all over me! I know it. I don't want to sleep with Fuller. Fine. We'll put him somewhere else. He'll pee all over me! I know it. I don't want to sleep with Fuller. Fine. We'll put him somewhere else. I'm sorry. It's too late. Get upstairs. Everyone in this family hates me! Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family. I don't want a new family. I don't want ANY family. Families suck. Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night. I don't want to see any of you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't wanna see anyone else either. I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family. No, I wouldn't. and you didn't have a family. No, I wouldn't. Then say it again. Maybe it'll happen. I hope I never see any of you jerks again! TINKLY MUSIC THINKS: I wish they would all just disappear. MUSIC PLAYS OBJECTS CLATTER IN WIND SHUTTERS CREAK BELLS JINGLE BRANCHES CREAK (KNOCKS) (KEEPS KNOCKING) Where are they? (KEEPS KNOCKING) Where are they? I don't know. She said 8 sharp. (KEEPS KNOCKING) Where are they? I don't know. She said 8 sharp. DOORBELL RINGS Where are they? Peter! DOORBELL RINGS Where are they? Peter! BOTH: We slept in! FRENETIC MUSIC PLAYS EVERYBODY YELLS Hi. I'm Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We're going to Orlando, Florida. Well, actually, first we're going to Missouri to pick up my Grandma. Did you know the McAllisters are going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage? going to France? Do you know if it's cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage? Gee, kid, I don't know. Hit the road. MUSIC PLAYS Heather, do a head count. Make sure everyone's in the vans. Where are the passports and tickets? I put them in the microwave to dry them off. How fast does this go? Does it have automatic transmission? Does it have four-wheel drive? Look, I told you before, kid, don't bother me. Now beat it! KIDS ALL TALK AT ONCE Come on. Let's go! Hey, Linnie, Linnie! Come on. Let's go! Hey, Linnie, Linnie! Here we go. Stop pushing me! HEATHER: Line up in front of the van. Did you take my bag? HEATHER: Line up in front of the van. Did you take my bag? Line up and shut up! Wow! Shut up! I gotta do a headcount. One, two, three, four, five... 11, 92, 12... Buzz, don't be a moron. Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11. OK, half in this van, half in this van. Come on, let's go! Have a good trip. Bring me back something French! There's no way on earth we're gonna make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes! Think positive, Frank. we're gonna make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes! Think positive, Frank. You be positive. I'll be realistic. Ma'am, I just wanted to let you know that your power is fixed. But the phone lines are a mess. They're gonna be out for a couple of days. OK, thanks. Heather, did you count heads? 11 including me. Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers, and a partridge in a pear tree. CHUCK BERRY'S 'RUN RUDOLPH RUN' # Out of the reindeers, you know you're the mastermind... # Hurry up, guys! # Run, run, Rudolph. Randolph ain't too far behind. # Run run, Rudolph. Santa's gotta make it to town. # Santa, make him hurry. Tell him he can take the freeway down. # Run run, Rudolph... This way! # Reeling like a merry-go-round. # Hold the plane! Did we miss the flight? No, you just made it. ALL CHEER Did we miss the flight? No, you just made it. ALL CHEER Single seats only in coach. Take whatever's free. KIDS: Thank you. # Run, run, Rudolph. I'm reeling like a merry-go-round. # PETER: You kids are in coach. We're in first. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Seats 12 A and B. I'll take the coats. Thank you. Fasten your seatbelts, please. I'll take the coats. Thank you. Fasten your seatbelts, please. Champagne, please. It's free, isn't it? Oh, yes. We made it. Oh, yes. We made it. Can you believe it? Hope we didn't forget anything. PLANE ENGINE ROARS FEET SHUFFLE WOMAN ON TV: Why are you out of costume? Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I thought you were our Santa Claus. MAN: YOUR Santa Claus is intoxicated. Oh no! Yes, it's disgraceful. How can you allow him to get into such a condition? MAN SINGS DRUNKENLY: # Jingle bells, jingle bells... # Stop that! You know drinking's not allowed! It's cold! A man's gotta do something to keep warm. I'll warm you! I oughta take this cake and... Somebody, Julian, get some black coffee and plenty of it. Yes, Miss Morton. Black with a little cream. black coffee and plenty of it. Yes, Miss Morton. Black with a little cream. (TURNS OFF TV) Mom? PLANE ENGINE ROARS CLINKING PLANE ENGINE ROARS CLINKING That's real crystal! Yeah, so? Put 'em in your purse. That's real crystal! Yeah, so? Put 'em in your purse. Frank, I can't do that! Yeah, so? Put 'em in your purse. Frank, I can't do that! Just put them in your purse! Champagne? Uh, yeah. Fill it up. Fill it up, please. Thank you. Don't you feel terrible flying first class with all the kids back in coach? No, the kids are fine. The only flying I did as a kid was in the family station wagon, and it wasn't to France. We used to have to go to Aunt Lauren and Uncle Arthur's house. The kids are OK. They're having the time of their lives. Hello. Mom? Dad? Mom? Dad? Where are you guys? Buzz? Buzz? Buzz. Megan? Hello? Hello! Rod? Uncle Frank? Uncle Frank, is this a joke? Megan? Linnie? Is this a joke? SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC SCARY NOISES ROARING ROARING AND SCARY NOISES It's all in my imagination. All in my imagination. ROARING AND SCARY NOISES It's all in my imagination. All in my imagination. ROARING The cars are still here. They didn't go to the airport. I made my family disappear! Kevin, you're completely helpless. I made my family disappear! Kevin, you're completely helpless. Kevin, you're what the French call 'les incompetents'. Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula. call 'les incompetents'. Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula. Kevin, you are such a disease! There are 15 people in this house. And you're the only one who has to make trouble. Look what you did, you little jerk! I made my family disappear! ROCKABILLY MUSIC I'm free! Wheee! Whooooo! Whaaa! Wow! No clothes on anybody. Sickening! Cool! Fire crackers! I'll save these for later. Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff! You better come out and pound me! Buzz, your girlfriend! Woof! GLASS BREAKS MILITARY DRUMBEATS GUN RELOADS LAID-BACK JAZZ MUSIC ON TV KNOCKING ON TV Who is it? It's me ` Snakes. I got the stuff. Leave it on the doorstep, and get the hell out of here. All right, Johnny. But what about my money? What money? But what about my money? What money? Acey said you had some dough for me. Is that a fact? How much do I owe you? Acey said 10%. Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more. Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me. He'll call you when he gets out. Hey,... I tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yeller, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead! All right, Johnny. I'm sorry. I'm going. guts full of lead! All right, Johnny. I'm sorry. I'm going. One, two, 10! All right, Johnny. (CACKLES) One, two, 10! All right, Johnny. (CACKLES) (GROANS) (CACKLES) MACHINE-GUN FIRES (CACKLES) Keep the change, ya filthy animal. Mom! What's the matter? Honey? I have a terrible feeling. About what? That we didn't do something. You feel that way because we left in a hurry. We took care of everything, believe me. Did I turn off the coffee? No. I did. No. I did. Did you lock up? Yeah. Did you close the garage? That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it. No, that's not it. What else can we be forgetting? Kevin! MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC Whoa! Whoa-ho! Whoooa! (GRUNTS) The captain's doing all he can, but your phones still aren't working. Call when we land, OK? I'm sure everything's OK. It's horrible. Horrible. Just horrible. How could we do this? We forgot him. We didn't forget him, we just... miscounted. How could we do this? We forgot him. We didn't forget him, we just... miscounted. What kind of mother am I? If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses. HARRY: Five families gone on one block alone. They all told me from their own mouths. (LAUGHS) It's almost too easy. Check it out. All the houses with nobody home have automatic timers on their lights. But I got it all figured out. Watch this. Number 664 will be going on right about... now. Ah. Wait, wait, wait. Number 672... right... now. (CACKLES) Wait a minute. 671... now. (LAUGHS) 671... now. (LAUGHS) And that's the one, Marvin. That's the silver tuna. Oh. It's very 'G'. Very 'G', huh? It's loaded. It's got lots of top-flight goods. Stereos, VCRs... Toys? Probably looking at some very fine jewellery. Possible cash hoard. Odd marketable securities. Who knows? It's a gem. Grab your crowbar. Crowbars up. BOTH CHUCKLE ON TV: # You're a rotter, Mr Grinch. # You're the king of sinful sauce. # You're a hard-to-get tomato splashed with mouldy purple spots, Mr Grinch! # You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich... # SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES VAN DOOR SLAMS (GASPS) (GASPS) MARV: Which way? (GASPS) MARV: Which way? Round back, down the basement. Come on, follow me. I thought you said they were gone. Round back, down the basement. Come on, follow me. I thought you said they were gone. They were supposed to leave this morning. Let's get out of here. KEVIN BREATHES QUICKLY PUBLIC ADDRESS: Votre attention, s'il vous plait... Miss, we have to use the phone, please! Madame, que faites-vous? Miss, we have to use the phone, please! Madame, que faites-vous? I'm sorry, it's an emergency. We really have to make a call. (PROTESTS) Please! Our brother's home alone. (PROTESTS) Just give us the phone! Sorry, but thank you. (FRENCHMAN ON PHONE PROTESTS) Peter, I'm gonna call the police. Why don't you book us a flight home? Here, get some change out of here. Call everybody you know. MAN ON PHONE: Madame? Oh. Lesley, Here's my address book. Call everybody who lives on our street. Maybe somebody can help us. What am I doing? Hello? Hello? She'll call you back. This is ridiculous. Only a wimp would hide under a bed. I can't be a wimp. I'm the man of the house. Hey! I'm not afraid any more! I said, I'm not afraid any more! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid any more! SNOW CRUNCHES Argh! (SCREAMS) Argh! (SCREAMS) Argh! (SCREAMS) PHONE RINGS Village police department. Yeah, hi. Look, I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone. Our phones there are out of order, so I'd like somebody to go over to our house and tell him that we're coming home to get him. OK. Let me connect you with Family Crisis Intervention. No, it's not a family crisis... Hold on. Larry, can you pick up? There's some lady on hold. Sounds kinda hyper. What line, Rose? Uh, two. Family Crisis Intervention. Sgt Balzak. I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who is home alone. Has the child been involved in a violent altercation with a drunken and/or mentally ill member of his immediate family? No. Has he been involved in a household accident? I don't know. I... hope not. Has the child ingested any poison or has any other object become lodged in his throat? No, he's just home alone! And I'd like somebody to go over to see if he's all right! You want us to go to your house just to check on him? Yes! You want us to go to your house just to check on him? Yes! I'll connect you with the police department. No, they just transferred me to you. Rose! Yeah? No, they just transferred me to you. Rose! Yeah? Hyper on two! Hold on, please. No, please don't hang up. Please... Any luck? No, please don't hang up. Please... Any luck? No. We couldn't get anybody. Lesley? I'm sorry, Kate. Nothing but a bunch of answering machines. Somebody pick up. Pick up! Oh, hi, ma'am. It's you again. Yeah, hi. I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who is home alone, and I... OK. OK, we'll send a policeman over to your house to check on your son. KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR (GASPS) DOORBELL RINGS KNOCK AT DOOR There's no one home. The house looks secure. Tell 'em to count their kids again. I can't believe that you can't bump somebody or ask somebody... I'm sorry, but there's no way I can do that. Well, isn't there a way, like, if you ask somebody? If you explained to them... I wish I could, but... They're sending a policeman over to the house to check on Kevin. Well, that's a relief. Everything here's booked. There's nothing to Chicago? There's nothing to Chicago, New York, Nashville, you name it. Everything's gone. There's nothing to Chicago, What about a private plane? Everything's gone. There's nothing to Chicago, What about a private plane? No, I'm sorry. We don't do that. The only thing they have is a booking for all of us on Friday morning. Friday morn... That's two days away. Honey, the kids are exhausted, you are exhausted. There's absolutely nothing more that we can do in this airport. I say we go over to Rob's, and that way we can call the police again, and they can get back to us. Peter, Kevin is home all by himself. I'm not leaving here unless it's on an airplane. Madame, we are doing everything we can. If you want to stay at the airport, maybe we can get you on standby. It is possible that a seat will open up. Is that OK? a seat will open up. Is that OK? Yes. I'll wait. # Bells will be ringing # the glad, glad news... # Bye. I'll miss you. # Oh, what a Christmas # to have the blues... # Don't YOU get lost. (LAUGHS) # Please come home for Christmas. # Please come home for Christmas # cos I'll be happy Christmas once again. # I took a shower, washing every body part with actual soap, including all my major crevices, in-between my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before, but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult-formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape. Argh! SHELVES CREAK SHELVES CREAK Whoa! THINGS CLATTER AND BREAK All right! Buzz's life savings. MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC I thought the Murphys went to Florida. You know, you're one of the great cat-burglars of the world, Marv. You think you could you keep it down a little in there? Huh? PHONE RINGS MACHINE: Hi, you've reached the Murphys. Please leave a message after you hear the beep. BEEP! Jack, this is Peter McAllister again. And we're still in Paris, at my brother's apartment. Let me give you the number here, OK? The country code is 33. The area code is 14, and the number is 694-876... Hey, Harry. Yeah? That house we were at last night ` was that the McAallisters'? Yeah? That house we were at last night ` was that the McAallisters'? Yeah. Call me in Paris. You're right. They're gone. I knew they were. You're right. They're gone. I knew they were. Silver tuna tonight! (LAUGHS) How may I help you? Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? How may I help you? Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? Well, I don't know. Is this toothbrush approved by It doesn't say, hon. Well, I don't know. Is this toothbrush approved by It doesn't say, hon. Can you please find out? Herb? Yeah? I've got a question here about a toothbrush. Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? about a toothbrush. Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? I don't know. THEY DISCUSS THE TOOTHBRUSH (GASPS) Trust me. He wants to know if it is. Just tell him. Hon, you pay for that here. Wait, son. You have to pay for that toothbrush. Son? Son! Hey! Jimmy, stop that boy! Hey! Hey! Shoplifter! Hey! Hey, kid! Come here! Whoa! Come back here! Stop him, will ya! Come here! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooa! (GRUNTS) Yeehah! MELANCHOLIC MUSIC I'm a criminal. (CHUCKLES) MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC What's so funny? What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again, didn't you? You left the water running, didn't you? What's wrong with you? Why do you do that? I told you not to do that. Harry, it's our calling card. All the great ones leave their mark. We're the Wet Bandits. You're sick, you know that? You're really sick. I'm not sick. Yes, you are. I'm not! That's a sick thing to do! HARRY AND MARV ARGUE We don't need kind of... Don't tell me what to do! I can do it if I want to! It's sick! It's not sick. Hey, watch out! I can do it if I want to! It's sick! It's not sick. Hey, watch out! TYRES SCREECH Argh! Hey! Hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know? Sorry. Damn. Santa don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy. Damn. Santa don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy. OK, OK. Merry Christmas. What's the matter? Merry Christmas. What's the matter? I don't like the way that kid looked at me. Did you see that? Ever seen him before? I saw a hundred kids this week. See what house he goes into. (WHISTLES) Why is he going faster? I told you something's wrong. I knew he looked at me weird. Why would he run? SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Maybe he went in the church. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Maybe he went in the church. I'm not going in there. Me neither. Let's get out of here. When those guys come back, I'll be ready. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You need data ` for dating sites, like Honey Badger. (LAUGHS) You do have a girlfriend. You need less data and more calls ` lovey-dovey calls. # You make me... # You don't have a girlfriend again. She won't return your calls. You need more text. Things change. Now your Prepay can too. Get more of what you need and less of what you don't with Vodafone My Flex Prepay. BRENDA LEE'S 'ROCKIN' AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE' PLAYS # Rockin' around the Christmas tree # at the Christmas party hop. # Mistletoe hung where you can't see, every couple tries to stop. # Rockin' around the Christmas tree, Have a happy holiday... # MARV: Did they come back? From Paris? # Everyone's dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way. From Paris? # Everyone's dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way. SAXOPHONE SOLO # You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear # voices singing let's be jolly, # deck the halls with boughs of holly. # Rockin' around the Christmas tree... # We'll come back tomorrow. Maybe they'll be gone by then. We'd better get out here before somebody sees us. # ...in the new old-fashioned way. # (JAMES STEWART'S VOICE DUBBED INTO FRENCH) FRENCH ACCENT: Attention! Attention! Look what I found in the kitchen! DUBBED INTO FRENCH) FRENCH ACCENT: Attention! Attention! Look what I found in the kitchen! Frank, those are for later. Frank! Mes petites enfants, do you want a little shrimp, uh? Operator... Do you speak English? want a little shrimp, uh? Operator... Do you speak English? OPERATOR: Non, je ne comprends pas. Parlez Anglais? Plus fort, s'il vous plait. OPERATOR: Non, je ne comprends pas. Parlez Anglais? Plus fort, s'il vous plait. Well, is there...? Um... Est-ce...qu'il y a... un personne qui parle Anglais la? Did you get anybody? I am looking for my son. Do you know where he is? No, I can't find anybody. They've all gone shopping. Nobody's home for the holidays. Never mind. Forget it. This is so pointless. What? We're here, rotting in this apartment. Kevin's at home. Mom's at the airport. So? You're not at all worried about Kevin? Why should I be? You know, he's acted like a jerk once too many times and caught it in the butt. He's so little and helpless. Don't you think he's flipped out? He's so little and helpless. Don't you think he's flipped out? The little trout could use a couple of days in the real world. You're not at all worried that something might happen to him? couple of days in the real world. You're not at all worried that something might happen to him? No, for three reasons. A) I'm not that lucky. 2) We have smoke detectors. And D) We live in the most boring street in the United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period. TYRES SCREECH LOUD MUSIC INSIDE CAR IS TURNED OFF SNOW CRUNCHES UNDERFOOT MAN'S VOICE: Who is it? It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza. Leave it on the doorstep, and get the hell out of here. I have your pizza. Leave it on the doorstep, and get the hell out of here. OK. Leave it on the doorstep, Um,... but what about the money? OK. Leave it on the doorstep, Um,... but what about the money? What money? Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir. Is that a fact? How much do I owe you? Uh,... that'll be $11.80, sir. Keep the change, you filthy animal. Cheapskate. Keep the change, you filthy animal. Cheapskate. Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yeller, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. One, two, 10! guts full of lead. One, two, 10! SOUND OF GUNFIRE (LAUGHS CRAZILY) GUNFIRE CONTINUES TYRES SCREECH (SNIFFS) A lovely cheese pizza just for me. P.A.: American Airlines 402 destination Dallas, Fort Worth... So, we have the $500, the pocket translator, the two first-class seats. That's an upgrade for you. So, we have the $500, the pocket Is that a real Rolex? seats. That's an upgrade for you. So, we have the $500, the pocket Is that a real Rolex? Do YOU think it is? No. But who can tell? I also have a ring. Oh, that is beautiful! I also have a ring. Oh, that is beautiful! Come on, Irene, they're boarding. This gal has offered us two first-class tickets if we go Friday, plus a ring, a watch, a pocket translator, $500... And the earrings. You love the earrings. She's got her own earrings, a whole shoebox full of them. Dangly ones. Come on. No, but... I'm desperate. I'm begging you. From a mother to a mother. Please. Oh, Ed. Please. Oh, Ed. Please. Oh, all right. 'Dear Santa Claus, I got a little sister last year. This year I'd rather have Play-Dough.' LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE TV CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND SAD MUSIC I didn't mean it. If you come back, I'll never be a pain in the butt again. I promise. Good night. 'WHITE CHRISTMAS' PLAYS (LIP SYNCS) TRACK: # I'm dreaming # of a white Christmas, # just like the ones I used to know, # where those tree tops glisten and children listen # to hear sleigh bells in the snow, # the snow. For I... # (SCREAMS) # With every Christmas card I write... # P.A.: Sam, I need a price check on Prince Valiant Ham. Thank you. PLASTIC WRAPPING CRINKLES Are those microwave dinners any good? I don't know. dinners any good? I don't know. I'll give them a whirl. For the kids. Hold on. I've got a coupon for that. It was in the paper this morning. $19.83. OK. Are you here all by yourself? Ma'am, I'm 8 years old. Do you think I'd be here alone? I don't think so. Where's your mom? My mom's in the car. Where's your father? He's at work. What about your brothers and your sisters? I'm an only child. What about your brothers and your sisters? I'm an only child. Where do you live? Uh, I can't tell you that. Why not? Cos you're a stranger. GROCERIES CLATTER WICKED LAUGHTER GROWLING MONSTER NOISES Shut up. WHIMSICAL MUSIC I don't get it. I mean, right now it looks like there's nobody home. Last night the place is jumping. Something ain't right. Go check it out. Now? Go check it out. Now? No, tomorrow, egg-head (!) Now! Go ahead. Now (!) SOUND AT DOOR (RATTLES LOCK) Shit! TV: Get the hell out of here! SNAKES: All right, Johnny. What about my money? What money? What about my money? What money? Acey said you had some dough for me. Is that a fact? How much do I owe you? Acey said 10%. Too bad Acey ain't in charge no more. What do you mean? in charge no more. What do you mean? He's upstairs taking a bath. He'll call you when he gets out. Hey, I'll tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. Snakes? Hey, I'll tell you what I'm gonna give you, Snakes. Snakes? I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yeller, no-good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. All right, Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm going. I pump your guts full of lead. All right, Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm going. One, two, 10! (MIMES TO TV CHARACTER'S LAUGHTER) Argh! Argh! (MIMES TO TV CHARACTER'S LAUGHTER) Argh! Argh! TV CHARACTER KEEPS LAUGHING SOUND OF FIRECRACKERS LIP-SYNCS: Keep the change, you filthy animal! (GASPS) What happened? I don't know who's in there, but somebody just got blown away! Huh? Somebody beat us to the job! They're in there. Two of them. There was arguing. One of them blew the other one away. Who? I don't know. I thought I recognised one of their voices. I know I've heard that name Snakes before. I recognised one of their voices. I know I've heard that name Snakes before. Snakes? Snakes, Snakes. I don't know no Snakes. Snakes. Let's get out of here. Hold it, hold it. Let's wait and see who it is. We work this neighbourhood too. Yeah. Supposing the cops finger us for a job and they start asking us questions about a murder. Wouldn't it be nice to have a face to go with their questions? That's a good idea. face to go with their questions? That's a good idea. Of course it's a good idea. Snakes. Of course it's a good idea. Snakes. He sounded like a snake. Everything's full. Everything's full? I'm very sorry, but it IS Christmas Eve. What about another airline? it IS Christmas Eve. What about another airline? (TYPES) Nothing available. May I help you get a hotel room in the city? Tomorrow afternoon we can get you a flight to Chicago. I can't wait that long. I'm terribly sorry, ma'am, but we're doing absolutely everything we can. Go ahead. I'm in your way. I'm sorry. Got a ticket there? That's good. Excuse me. Look, I have been awake for almost 60 hours. I'm tired and I'm dirty. I've been from Chicago to Paris, to Dallas to... Where the hell am I? Scranton. I am trying to get home to my 8-year-old son! And now that I'm this close, you're saying it's hopeless? I'm sorry. No. No, no, no, no, wait! This is Christmas, the season of perpetual hope. No. No, no, no, no, wait! This is Christmas, the season of perpetual hope. Ma'am, if... And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway and hitchhike, if it costs me everything I own, if I have to sell my soul to the devil himself. I am going to get home to my son. Uh, if there was anything at all I could do... Do anything. I can get you a hotel room... What? Excuse me. Excuse us for a second. Can I see you for a second? Excuse us. Couldn't help but hear you've got a little bit of a dilemma there. We've got a crisis ourselves. (CHUCKLES) Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Gus Polinski. How are you? Polka king of the Midwest. The Kenosha Kickers. ALL: Hi, there. No? That's OK. I thought you might recognise... Anyways, um, I had a few hits a few years ago. Uh, you know, 'Polka, Polka, Polka'. # Polka, polka, polka... # No? Twin Lakes Polka, Domavougi Polka, aka Kiss Me Polka, The Polka Twist. Domavougi Polka, aka Kiss Me Polka, The Polka Twist. These are songs! Yeah. You know, some fairly big hits for us, you know, in the early '70s. We sold about 623 copies of that. In Chicago? No, Cheboygan. Very big in Cheboygan. They loved it, you know. Did you say you could help me? Anyway, I'm rambling on. Our flight was cancelled so we've gotta drive. See the guy in the yellow jacket over there by the Budget sign? He's going to rent us a nice big van and we're gonna drive to Milwaukee. I heard you had some problems getting to Chicago to see your kid or something? My son. He... We left. He's there. Oh jeez. If you have to get to Chicago, we'll gladly drive you. It's on the way. You'll give me a ride? Sure. Why not? You've gotta get home to see your kid. A ride to Chicago? Sure. It's Christmas time. Thank you. Oh, thank you. You don't mind going with some polka bums? Thank you. Oh, thank you. You don't mind going with some polka bums? No, I'd love to. SAWING Hey, Marv. Marv. Marv! What? Hey, Marv. Marv. Marv! What? Look at this. I think we're getting scammed by a kindergartener. (CHUCKLES) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (GASPS) Dad, can you come here and help me? Remember that kid we saw the other day? He lives here. Remember that kid we saw the other day? He lives here. If the kid's there, so are the parents. He's home alone. You gotta be kidding me. You want to come back tonight? Uh-huh. Even with the kid here? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Even with the kid here? Uh-huh. I don't think that's a good idea. Look, that house is the only reason we started working this block in the first place. Ever since I laid eyes on that house, I wanted it. Let's take it one step at a time. OK? We'll unload the van, get a bite to eat, and we'll come back about 9 o'clock. 9 o'clock. This way it's dark, then. Yeah. Kids are scared of the dark. You're afraid of the dark too, Marv. No, I'm not. Kids are scared of the dark. You're afraid of the dark too, Marv. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. I'm not, not not! No, I'm not. You are so! I'm not, not not! No, I'm not. You are so! Mom, where are you? BAND PLAYS 'DECK THE HALLS' Do you play? BAND PLAYS 'DECK THE HALLS' Do you play? No. Want to try? Go ahead! No. Try it. OK. LOCK CLICKS Excuse me. Yeah? Hey, nice shoes. Yeah? Hey, nice shoes. Oh, thanks. Is he still here? It's really important that I see him. Oh, thanks. Is he still here? It's really important that I see him. He's getting in his car. Hurry, and you'll catch him. How low can you get, giving Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve. What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny? on Christmas Eve. What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny? Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a minute? for the Easter Bunny? Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a minute? Make it quick. Santa's got a little get-together he's late for. OK. I know you're not the real Santa Claus. What makes you say that? Just out of curiosity. I'm old enough to know how it works. All right. But I also know that you work for him. I'd like you to give him a message. Shoot. I'm Kevin McAllister, 671 Lincoln Boulevard. Do you need the phone number? No, it's all right. OK. This is extremely important. Please tell him that instead of presents this year I just want my family back. No toys, nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And, if he has time, my Uncle Frank. OK? And, if he has time, my Uncle Frank. OK? OK. I'll see what I can do. Thanks. Wait. Hold on a second. My elf took the last of my candy canes home to her boyfriend. That's OK. No, no, no, don't be silly. Everybody who sees Santa has got to get something. Hold out your little paw. There you go. Don't spoil your dinner. I won't. Thanks. (STARTS ENGINE) CAR ENGINE STALLS Son of a... GENTLE TINKLY MUSIC CAROL PLAYS KIDS TALK EXCITEDLY CAROL CONTINUES DISTANT SOUND OF SINGING SINGING CONTINUES CHOIR SINGS 'O HOLY NIGHT' # O holy night... 'O HOLY NIGHT' CONTINUES # Fall on your knees... # Merry Christmas. May I sit down? That's my granddaughter up there. The little red-haired girl. She's about your age. Do you know her? No. She's about your age. You live next to me, don't you? No. She's about your age. You live next to me, don't you? Yeah. You can say hello when you see me. You don't have to be afraid. There are a lot of things going around about me, but none of it's true. OK? Been good a good boy this year? I think so. it's true. OK? Been good a good boy this year? I think so. Would you swear to it? No. I had a feeling. This is the place to be if you're feeling bad about yourself. It is? I think so. Are you feeling bad about yourself? I think so. Are you feeling bad about yourself? No. I've been kind of a pain lately. I said some things I shouldn't have. I really haven't been too good this year. I'm kind of upset about it because I really like my family. Even though sometimes I say I don't. Sometimes I even think I don't. Do you get that? I think so. How you feel about your family is a complicated thing. I think so. How you feel about your family is a complicated thing. Especially with an older brother. Deep down, you always love them. You can forget that you love them, and you can hurt them and they can hurt you. That's not just because you're young. Want to know the real reason why I'm here right now? because you're young. Want to know the real reason why I'm here right now? Sure. I came to hear my granddaughter sing. I can't come here at night. You have plans? granddaughter sing. I can't come here at night. You have plans? No. I'm not welcome. At church? You have plans? No. I'm not welcome. At church? You're always welcome at church. I'm not welcome with my son. Years back, before you and your family were around, I had an argument with my son. How old is he? He's grown up. We lost our tempers, and I said I didn't care to see him any more. He said the same. We haven't spoken to each other since. If you miss him, why don't you call him? I'm afraid if I call him, he won't talk to me. How do you know? I don't know. I'm just afraid he won't. No offence, but aren't you a little old to be afraid? You can be a little old for many things. You're never too old to be afraid. That's true. I've always been afraid of our basement. It's dark, there's weird stuff down there. And it smells funny. That sort of thing. It's bothered me for years. Basements are like that. And it smells funny. That sort of thing. It's bothered me for years. Basements are like that. Then I made myself go down there to do some laundry, and I found out it's not so bad. All this time I've been worrying about it, but if you turn on the lights, it's no big deal. What's your point? but if you turn on the lights, it's no big deal. What's your point? My point is, you should call your son. What if he won't talk to me? At least you'll know. Then you could stop worrying about it, and you won't have to be afraid any more. I don't care how mad I was I'd talk to my dad, especially around the holidays. I don't know. Just give it a shot. For your granddaughter, anyway. I'm sure she misses you. And the presents. I send her a cheque. I wish MY grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it. That's nice. Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. Oh. Yeah. I've a friend who got nailed cos of a rumour he wore dinosaur pyjamas. You'd better run along home where you belong. You think about what I said. You'd better run along home where you belong. You think about what I said. All right OK. You'd better run along home where you belong. You think about what I said. All right OK. It was nice talking to you. Nice talking to you. What about you? Me? Yeah. You and your son. We'll see what happens. Merry Christmas. We'll see what happens. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. CHOIR MUSIC SWELLS BELL CHIMES EIGHT TIMES EXCITING MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES This is my house. I have to defend it! EXCITING MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC SWELLS MUSIC CRESCENDOES MICROWAVE DINGS OK, we'll check it out first. We can always come back for the truck. How do you want to go in? We'll go to the back door. Maybe he'll let us in. You never know. How do you want to go in? We'll go to the back door. Maybe he'll let us in. You never know. Yeah. He's a kid. Kids are stupid. Bless this highly nutritious microwaveable macaroni-and-cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen. CLOCK CHIMES (COCKS GUN) This is it! Don't get scared, now. KNOCK AT DOOR Merry Christmas, little feller. We know that you're in there and that you're all alone. Yeah, come on, kid. Open up. It's Santy Claus! (LAUGHS) And his elf! (LAUGHS) We're not going to hurt you. No, no. We've got some nice presents for you. Be a good little feller, now, and open the door. BANG! (STRANGULATED SCREAM) Oh... shoot! Frick-a-frick-a-frick! What? (STRANGULATED SCREAM) Oh... shoot! Frick-a-frick-a-frick! What? Shh... What? (CURSES INCOHERENTLY) What? (SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY) (CURSES INCOHERENTLY) What? (SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY) What? What happened? Get that little...! Hello. Get that little...! Hello. BANG! Get that little...! Hello. BANG! Argh! Argh! Yargh! Yes! Yes! The little jerk is armed! That's it! That's it! I'm going round the front! You go down the basement! (MUTTERS) Ow! (WHIMPERS) (YELLS) Whoa! Ow. Ooh! Ow. Ooh! CROWBAR CLANGS Uhh! (MUTTERS) Whoo... COMIC MUSIC Whoa. Argh! Ooh! Argh! (WHIMPERS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) (RATTLES CROWBAR IN DOOR) (GRUNTS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) DOOR SQUEAKS SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES CHAIN RATTLES Ouch! Oh boy! That's it, you little... you little s... No, not this time! You little frack! (CHUCKLES) Where are you, you little creep? Where are you, you little...? SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC HANDLE SIZZLES Argh! (BLOWS) Argh! Ow! Ow! Ow! SNOW SIZZLES Ah. Ah. Ah. (LAUGHS WITH RELIEF) Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! (GRUNTS) SQUELCH! Argh! (CHUCKLES) You're dead, kid! Argh! Argh! Ooh! Argh! Argh! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Where are you, you little creep?! Harry! I'm comin' in! KEVIN: Oh no! I'm really scared. It's too late for you, kid. We're already in the house. We're gonna get you! OK, come and get me. We're already in the house. We're gonna get you! OK, come and get me. Why, you... We're gonna get you! Now you're dead! Why, you... We're gonna get you! Now you're dead! FAN WHIRRS You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You need data ` for dating sites, like Honey Badger. (LAUGHS) You do have a girlfriend. You need less data and more calls ` lovey-dovey calls. # You make me... # You don't have a girlfriend again. She won't return your calls. You need more text. Things change. Now your Prepay can too. Get more of what you need and less of what you don't with Vodafone My Flex Prepay. CRUNCH! Argh! Argh! Gargh! I'm gonna kill that kid! CRUNCH! (SCREAMS) (SPLUTTERS) Marv! Harry? Why the hell did you take your shoes off? Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken? I'm up here, you morons! Come and get me. BOTH SCREAM You guys give up... or are you thirsty for more? COMIC MUSIC CRUNCH! Argh! Heads up! Huh? (GROANS) Don't worry, Marv ` I'll get him for you! Hey! OW! OOOH! (GROANS) OW! OOOH! (GROANS) Yes! TWANG! He's only a kid, Harry. We can take him. Oh, shut up, will ya? Ooh! What is it? You're missin' some teeth. Where? That's my gold tooth! My gold tooth! I'll kill him! I'LL kill him! You bomb me with one more can, kid, and I'll snap off your cojones and boil 'em in motor oil! MAN: 911, Emergency. DEEP VOICE: Help. My house is being robbed. My address is 656 Lincoln Boulevard. My name's Murphy. MUSIC SPEEDS UP Watch out! You never know what's up there. There he is! Whoa! Yargh! Ha! I got ya! I got him, Harry. I got him! Give in, kid. Harry, get up. Give me a hand. I got him! Harry, help me! Get up! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC I got him. MUSIC CRESCENDOES Argh! (SCREAMS) DRAMATIC MUSIC What are you doing, Marv? WHISPERS: Harry, don't move. Marv? WHISPERS: Harry, don't move. Marv? Don't... move. Marv, what are you doin'? Marv... Hai! Marv, what are you doin'? Marv... Hai! Jeez. (MUTTERS) Marv, what are you doin'? Marv... Hai! Jeez. (MUTTERS) Did I get him? Did I get him? Where is it? Where is it? Never mind did you get him! How do YOU like it? You jerk! Get the kid! Whoa! EXCITING MUSIC Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Argh! CRASH! Where'd he go? Maybe he committed suicide. Down here, you big horse's ass! Come and get me before I call the police! Let's get him! Wait, wait. It's just what he wants us to do ` go back downstairs so we get all tore up. He'll call the cops! From a tree house? Come on. Out the window? Yeah. We're goin' out the window? Out the window? Yeah. We're goin' out the window? Are you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? Come on, get out here. Come on! CHILLING MUSIC (GASPS) CHILLING MUSIC Come on! (GASPS) CHILLING MUSIC Come on! (GASPS) Argh! (HYPERVENTILATES) Keep going. Keep going. (HYPERVENTILATES) Keep going. Keep going. Let's go back, Harry! Shut up! Oh! Oh! Oh! Shut it, Marv! Hey, guys,... check this out! Oh! Go back! Go back! SNAP! BOTH SCREAM THUD! There he goes! There he is! Get outta the way! There he is! is! Get outta the way! There he is! Hey! I'm callin' the cops. Wait, wait, wait, wait! He wants us to follow him. I got a better idea. Come on. Hiya, pal. We outsmarted you this time. Get over here! What are we going to do to him, Harry? We'll do exactly what he did to us. We're gonna burn his head with a blow torch. Smash his face with an iron! Slap him right in the face with a paint can. Smash his face with an iron! Slap him right in the face with a paint can. Or shove a nail through his foot! First thing I'm gonna do is bite off these little fingers... one at a time. (GASPS) (LAUGHS EVILLY) THUD! Argh! (GRUNTS) Come on. Let's get you home. SIRENS WAIL TYRES SCREECH POLICEMAN: All right, men, go around the back. Get the back door. WHISPERS: Wow! This is great! Nice move, always leaving the water running. Now we know each and every house that you've hit. Hey, you know, we've been looking for you two guys for a long time. MARV: Yeah. Now remember ` we're the Wet Bandits. Wet Bandits. That's W-E... Shut up! Shut up! Get in the car! Come on... Hands off the head, pal! Come on! # Have yourself a merry little Christmas. # Let your heart be light. # From now on your troubles will be out of sight. SIREN WAILS # Through the years we all will be together # if the fates allow. # Hang our shining star upon the highest bough. # And have yourself a merry little Christmas now. # I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad parent. You're not. You're beating yourself up there, you know? This happens. These things happen, you know? Gee, you wanna talk about bad parents? Look at us. We're on the road 48, 49 weeks out of the year. We hardly see our families. Joe, over there... gosh, you know, he forgets his kids' names half the time. Ziggy, over there, he's never even met his kid. Eddie... (SNORES) Let's just hope none of them write a book about him. Have you ever gone on vacation and left your child home? No. No, but I did leave one at a funeral parlour once. Yeah, it was terrible too. I was all distraught and everything. The wife and I left the little tyke in the funeral parlour all day. All day! We went back at night when we came to our senses. And there he was. Apparently he was there alone all day with a corpse. Now, he was OK, you know, after six, seven weeks. You know, came around, started talking again. But he's OK. You know, they get over it. You know, came around, started Kids are resilient like that. You know, they get over it. You know, came around, started Kids are resilient like that. Maybe we shouldn't talk about this. You brought it up. I'm sorry I did. GENTLE MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Mom! Mom? Mom! (SIGHS) WISTFUL MUSIC TRUCK MOTOR RUMBLES DOOR OPENS Kevin? Kevin! GENTLE HAPPY MUSIC Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Oh, Kevin, I'm so sorry. HAPPY MUSIC Where's everybody else? Oh, baby, they couldn't come. They wanted to so much, but... I didn't fall asleep and drool all over you... They wanted to so much, but... I didn't fall asleep and drool all over you... KIDS TALK OVER EACH OTHER Come on, you guys, it's Christmas. Kevin! Kevin! Kevin, my boy! Kevin, how are you? It's good to see you. Hi, Mom. Ah, you're all right. I love you. Are you OK? Yeah. Hey, Kev,... it's pretty cool that you didn't burn the place down. Thanks, Buzz. Wait a minute. How did you guys get home? Oh, we took the morning flight. Remember? The one you didn't wanna wait for. (LAUGHS) Oh, thank you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Someone has to find an open store. We don't even have milk here! Merry Christmas. Someone has to find an open store. We don't even have milk here! I went shopping yesterday. You,... shopping? We don't even have milk here! I went shopping yesterday. You,... shopping? I got some milk, eggs and fabric softener. What? No kiddin'? What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away? Just hung around. ALL LAUGH You guys bring the stuff upstairs. Just hung around. ALL LAUGH You guys bring the stuff upstairs. BUZZ: He went shopping? He doesn't know how to tie his shoes! GENTLE MYSTERIOUS MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Honey, what's this? HOPEFUL MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES BUZZ: Kevin! What did you do to my room?