z # "Cool Yule" ` Cherry Poppin' Daddies # From Coney Island to the Sunset Strip # Somebody's gonna make a happy trip tonight # While the moon is bright # He's gonna have a bag of crazy toys # To give the gonest of the girls and boys, so dig # Santa comes on big # He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most # When all you cats are sleepin' warm as toast # And you're gonna flip when old St Nick # Plays the lick on a peppermint stick # He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place # And fill the stockings by the fireplace # So you'll # have a yule that's cool # Yeah, he's gonna have a bag of crazy toys # To give the gonest of the girls and boys, so dig # Santa comes on big # He'll come a-callin' when the snow's the most # When all the cats are sleepin' warm as toast # And you're gonna flip when old St Nick # Plays the lick on a peppermint stick # He'll come a-flyin' from a higher place # And fill the stockings by the fireplace # So you'll # have a yule that's cool # Have a yule that's cool # Hey. Hey, Jake. Hey, Jake. Hi. Guys. 12-32-14! 12-32-14! Hut-hut, hike! Hut-hut, hike! Jake, thank God. Lemme out. Did you get my mail? Math test? A-minus? All right, you made it look just good enough. Did you score me those backstage passes to Dave Matthews? Oh, that's my man. All right. Er, 12, 32... Er, what was that last number again, Ian? 168? 14, Jake, 14! 14, Jake, 14! All right, calm down, I got ya. Thanks, Jake. Thanks, Jake. You're welcome. How come you've been sardined into your locker again? into your locker again? Eddie Taffet and his three trogs. They didn't like the phoney IDs we sold 'em. They didn't like the phoney IDs we sold 'em. I'll take care of 'em. Get on the Net, change that ticket my dad got me to New York into two seats to Cabo San Lucas. You taking Allie? Workin' on that! Morning, ladies. Morning, ladies. Hi, Jake. Morning, ladies. Hi, Jake. Do those things really work? Yeah. Wanna see? Yeah. Wanna see? No, no, it's OK. Hi. Ah. Zone defence, huh? Guess I won't be able to get in, unless... What's this? Cherry crunch? Cherry crunch? Would I bring you anything else? Sierra? I'm sure that tastes good here, but I bet it'd taste even better some place else. Shoo-shoo. Hey. Hey. Oh, hi. Hey. Oh, hi. What are you doing here? You said you wanted to see what it'd be like to wake up next to me. You said you wanted to see what it'd be like to wake up next to me. Ooh, good line. Premeditated or spontaneous? Totally off the cuff. I was inspired by seeing you drool on your French book. I wasn't drooling. I was sleeping. I can't sleep! I've got to study! You studied in your sleep. You absorbed off the page via osmosis. Not funny. Give me that. My final is in three hours and you're distracting me. Would you please go? Would you please go? OK. I just wanted to let you know there's a freak storm outside. It's snowing. Snowing? We're in Southern California. It's not snow... My God! It is snowing! Jake, you lunatic. Where did you get a snow machine? Oh, hey, Ian. Hi, Allie. It's a white Christmas, just like home. And here's a little Christmas cheer. And here's a little Christmas cheer. Eggnog? My mother makes this from scratch. And one more thing. More? Do I detect an overage of niceness going on here? Just read it. Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas. Christmas on the beach. Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas. Christmas on the beach. Amazing. Well, I knew you'd be... pissed. This is so inconsiderate. I have plans that are important to me. I'm not asking you to sleep in a Port-a-Potty. This condo is overlooking the ocean. This condo is overlooking the ocean. Forget it. I'm going home to visit my family. Tell 'em what I told my dad last year. You'll be at the gym preparing for the Ultimate Fighting Championship. preparing for the Ultimate Fighting Championship. That's what you told him? Sure. When he found out I stayed here, he was so relieved, he didn't argue. he was so relieved, he didn't argue. But I wanna go home and have a traditional Christmas with stockings, eggnog and carollers. I just thought we could have some fun. No, you thought that you could have some fun. My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home. And what about your dad and your sister and Carolyn? And what about your dad and your sister and Carolyn? Bringing up my dad's new wife drains me of all my Christmas spirit. drains me of all my Christmas spirit. Don't you think it's about time you went home? you went home? (CAR HORN) Hey there. Looking good today. Thanks, Eddie. You look nice today, too. I'm not talking to you, Wilkinson. Hey, Allie, what perfume are you wearing? Hey, Allie, what perfume are you wearing? Excuse me? I've got three words for you. New. Car. Smell. It would smell so good on you. Come check it out, baby. Eddie? I got one word for you. Beemer. (CAR ALARM) You've gotta be kidding me! "Stand away from the vehicle." "You are too close to the vehicle." "Stand away from the vehicle." It's Disco Inferno night at the Viper Room and it's me, the Murph-Man, the Ed-Man and the Ken-Man. We're waiting in line half the night. The bouncer gives us the nod, we go over there and debut our brand new IDs and the dude goes... "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." And no-one, no one says "bye-bye" to the Brandt-Man. Fellas, what can I say? My subcontractor's been slacking off, but I'll make it up to you. I have a foolproof method for you to ace your history final. But if you'd rather see your grades drop, it's up to you. No cost, right? Of course not. I couldn't do that to you guys. You guys are my buds. However, there is a nominal fee for beeper rental. (PHONE RINGS) Wilkinson Residence. Sorry, he can't come to the phone right now. He's busy accessorising. Oh, OK. Jake, it's your dad. See ya. Dad! How are things at the office? We're off for the holidays. Everybody went home at noon. Great. Getting ready for ski season? Great. Getting ready for ski season? Yeah, I just got my bindings fixed. I'm calling to find out if you're planning on coming home for Christmas? coming home for Christmas? I'd like to, but I gotta finish up that extra-credit lab work ` "My travel agent called." "He says the ticket I sent you was cashed in for two tickets to Cabo." He says somebody sabotaged his computer file. What kind of a world is this? Is the convenience of technology worth the loss of our privacy? Where will it end? I agreed to let you go to school in California, but you haven't been home since Mom died. I think it's time we became a family again. If you were 18 years old, where would you rather be for Christmas? At home with your family or on the beach with a beautiful girl? Allie's parents say she's coming home. (SIGHS) I just really want you home, son. Me, too. As does Carolyn. And Tracey. We all want you home. Well, I just don't think I can get there. Not even if I, er,... give you the Porsche? Excuse me? The Porsche? The 1957 Porsche that we rebuilt together with the kid glove interiors and the original paint? The 1957 Porsche? The 1957 Porsche? If you're home by the time we sit down to dinner, 6pm Christmas Eve, the car's yours. Six o'clock, no later. Understand? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. See you then. Yes, sir. See you then. Great. Bye. You are mine. All mine. OK. Er,... he cashes in the tickets and you offer him a bribe. Do you see anything wrong with this? Do you see anything wrong with this? Yeah, yeah, I do, but... But what? Jake's coming home for Christmas. Ha-ha! OK, I gotta go pack. I'll see you in an hour. Bye! Nice try, but no chance. Hm. Must be defective. I estimated it'd be another five hours until you tried to make up. I estimated it'd be another five hours until you tried to make up. That's funny because I estimate that it takes five hours to fly to Larchmont, New York. But you cashed in your ticket. But you cashed in your ticket. I cashed it back in for tickets to New York. Will you accept my apology and come home with me for Christmas? You're unbelievable. Tell me about it. Ripley's doing a special on me. Tell me about it. Ripley's doing a special on me. So, why the sudden change of heart? You got to me with all that sentimental family stuff. I'm glad you're coming around. If you don't have family, what do you have? So, you wanna come over and help me pack? No, I can't. I gotta go tutor some jocks. You're so compassionate! I am a giver. Pick you up tomorrow at 8 o'clock. OK. (This better work.) Run. Look out, look out! What's taking him so long? (PAGERS BEEP) (PAGERS BEEP) Sorry, Ms Peterson. (PAGERS BEEP) Sorry, Ms Peterson. Coach likes to stay in touch. (DANCE MUSIC / CHATTER) When you're driving a Porsche, it's like it knows you and it's listening and just responding. it's like it knows you and it's listening and just responding. So true. You've never downshifted till you've downshifted in a Porsche. You've never downshifted till you've downshifted in a Porsche. You're a lucky man, Wilkinson. That is so true. So, er, Jake, are you feeling lucky? Immensely. Immensely. That's all about to change. Somethin' wrong, fellas? You think you're a wise guy, think it's fun to make us look like morons. think it's fun to make us look like morons. What? The beepers, dipstick. Ian. Where's Ian? 12-32-14! Oh, man! (BANGS DOOR) I'm sure there's some explanation. Let me make some phone calls. I'm sure there's some explanation. Let me make some phone calls. Uh-uh. We're done explaining. Boys? Ah, come on, guys. Fellas! Fellas! All right, see you guys later. Have a good break. All right, Jake, where are you? # "White Christmas" ` The Drifters # I-I-I-I`I'm dreaming # of a white Christmas # With every Christmas card I write # May your days, may your days, may your days be merry and bright # Oh, God. I wish I were dead. (SQUAWKS) I said I wished I were dead. What the...? "Let's see ya sweet talk your way out of this one." It's the last time I do business with those guys. Go on, get out of here. Ow! You glued it on, didn't you, you jerks? The hat, too?! This is not acceptable! (VOICE ECHOES) (VOICE ECHOES) Ah! (BUZZARD SQUAWKS) Sit. Roll over. Die. (SQUAWKS) "Hey, it's Jake. You found me." Idiot! Who's an idiot? I am. I am. Jake flaked, huh? What a surprise. Lucky for you the Ed-Man's here. Let's blow this popsicle stand cos I got butt warmers in the seats. Let's blow this popsicle stand cos I got butt warmers in the seats. You're loving this, aren't you? Pretty much, yeah. OK, let's go. All right! Oh, no, no, allow me. I got it, I got it. The ultimate in irony. 17 kids are driving back east and I get a ride with you. Just the two of us riding the crest of destiny's rainbow. Sharing. Caring. A pair for the ages. OK, hold on. First, the ground rules. If you say too many stupid things, I'll slug you. Say anything nasty about Jake, I'll slug you. Try to feel me up, I'll slug you. If you make me listen to sexist, racist or homophobic jokes, I'll slug you. And finally, I might have to slug you from time to time because the prospect of driving with you is incredibly stressful! because the prospect of driving with you is incredibly stressful! OK. Sounds like a party to me. So, what shall we listen to? Jewel? Sarah? Fiona? I'm in a sensitive mood. Aren't you? I'm in a sensitive mood. Aren't you? Cut the crap. I'm already in the car. All right, let's burn this baby. New York, yeah! (TYRES SCREECH) # "Christmas Carols By The Old Corral" ` Tex Ritter # They'll be singin' # Gonna be singin' # Christmas carols # by the old corral # Celebratin' # Congregatin' # And exchangin' greetings by the old corral # There'll be lots of little children # And how big their eyes will be # And how big their eyes will be See ya, lovebirds. # When they see what Santa left around the tree # They'll be merry # Singin' those merry # Christmas carols by the old corral # "This is Allie. You got the machine." (BEEP!) Allie, it's me. I am so sor- (BEEP!) "Hey, it's Al- " (BEEP!) "Hey, it's Al- " (BEEP!) Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed! This totally sucks! You got a mean disposition for a Santa. You got a mean disposition for a Santa. I need to make another phone call. Long distance? Long distance? What from here is not long distance? (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Tracey, it's Jake. Oh, hi. Where are you? In the desert, dressed like Santa, being attacked by tumbleweed. Cool! Get me Dad. Cool! Get me Dad. When did I become your slave? The day you were born. The day you were born. Oh. Right. Oh, Dad? It's the prodigal son. Hello? Hello? Hello, Father. Dad. You sound funny. Are you at the airport? Well, I've had some setbacks, but if you wire me some money, I'll be home for Christmas. but if you wire me some money, I'll be home for Christmas. What kind of a bind are you in? He's in the desert, dressed as Santa, being attacked by a bumblebee. Tumbleweed! Otherwise, it's like she said. That is the worst alibi in a long line of bad alibis, Jake. But it's all true! But it's all true! "That's what you always say." But it's all true! "That's what you always say." I know, but I need your help if I'm gonna make it home. if I'm gonna make it home. We had a deal. It is up to you to get home on Christmas Eve or you can forget about the Porsche. or you can forget about the Porsche. Dad? Er, excuse me? I couldn't help overhearing. You're trying to get home and your father won't help you? Oh, it's not that, it's just... (SOBS) He's so worried about the operation, he's not thinking clearly. Operation? The whole family chipped in and got him a triple bypass for Christmas. I sent home every last dollar I earned working as a shopping mall Santa. The operation's on Christmas Eve and I won't be home until after the anaesthesia wears off. Oh, dear. You know, me and the girls are driving to Vegas to see Tom Jones. We're Tom-Tom Girls! You wanna ride with us? Do you have "What's New Pussycat"? Do we have "What's New Pussycat"! # What's new pussycat? Whoa, whoa-oh-oh # What's new pussycat? (IN UNISON) # Whoa, whoa-oh-oh-oh # Could we crack open a window? You think it's funny how easily old people can catch pneumonia? You think it's a joke, ha-ha-ha? No. It's just I had a hard night and I'm not feeling so well. Hey! Get out of there! Oh. Darlene? Mama's teeth have fallen out of her mouth again. Just wedge 'em back in, dear. OK, Santa Claus, make yourself useful and put those right back in her mouth. Gherkins, anyone? Oh, for Pete's sake! (VOMITS) Oh, well, that's lovely. What happened? What happened? Santa just yammied in your handbag. There he goes again. Well, stop him! Well, stop him! OK. Here, Santa! Santa, get up! Owwwwwww! Ow! Argh! Did I hurt you, Santa? Good. All right, buster, out you get. Out, you! Get out! Get outta here! Get outta here! You! And take your beard with ya! I've never heard of such a thing! Imagine ` yammying in my sister's handbag! (CAR HORN) There you go. There's a five. Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed. Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed. Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed. I love this game ` pick which words are not like the others? Er, Santa! No! It's a message Jake left on my machine. Wow. Bizarre, huh? Yeah. Thanks. Allie? Eddie? Eddie! (CAR HORNS) Oh my God! Allie!! Allie!! What's wrong with you? We're just way behind schedule. Allie, wait!! Allie, stop!! Wait!! # I'll have a blue # Christmas # without you # I'll be so blue # just thinking # about you # Decorations # of red # on a green Christmas tree # It won't mean a thing # if you're not here # with me... This is the worst day of my life. And it just got worse. # That's when those blue # memories # start callin' # You'll be doing all right # with your Christmas of white # But I'll have # a blue, blue, blue Christmas # But I'll have, hey # a blue, blue, blue Christmas # Ho-ho-ho, tubby. Secret fat man handshake. All right! Confidentially speaking, just between us Santas, don't you ever get tired of wearing this suit? Every year it's the same suit. Red, red, red. Does any guy look good in red? I don't think so. Got room in the sled for two? Thanks. I really appreciate it. You're a pal. z z Whoa! You're not so cute in the morning. I'm kinda glad nothing happened. Ow! Y-You just slugged me. As per our agreement. Wake up, chief. Time to feed the reindeer. (SIGHS) All right, I'm going, I'm going. Oh! # (ELVIS SINGS) Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus # Ridin' down Santa Claus Lane # Vixen, Blitzen, all his reindeer # Pullin' on their reins # Bells are ringin', children singin' # All is merry and bright # Hang your stockings and say your prayer # Cos Santa Claus comes tonight Hi there! Ah, Merry Christmas to you, too. # Here comes Santa Claus ridin' down Santa Claus Lane # He's got a bag that's filled with toys # For boys and girls again # Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle # What a beautiful sound # What a beautiful sound (CAR HORN / TYRES SCREECH) # Cos Santa Claus comes tonight # Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus # Ridin' down Santa Claus Lane # He'll come around when the chimes ring out # It's Christmas morn again # Peace on Earth will come to all # If we just follow the light # Let's give thanks to the Lord above # Cos Santa Claus comes tonight (TYRES SCREECH) # Santa Claus comes tonight # Oh, man. I went and killed Santa. Ugh! Oh, no! Santa?! Santa?! Oh! Thank God! Hang on, Santa, I'm coming! I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming! Hold on. Hold on. (JAKE GROANS) Ow, ow, ow! Am I alive? I have never been happier to answer that question in my life. Yes, you are alive! Yes, you are alive! You've been asked that question before? Oh,... maybe 10, 12 times. # "Doctor Jones" ` Aqua # Dr Jones, Jones # Calling Dr Jones, Dr Jones, Dr Jones, wake up now # A-yippee-ay-ooh, a-yippee ay-yay! # A-yippee-ay-ooh, uh-huh... # Er, Allie, can I ask you something? Shoot. I'm a millennial type of guy. I dig world music, I wanna ban Freon. I'm all about yoga and macrobiotic food. I'm in touch with my inner child! I'm in touch with my inner child! Is the question coming before Ohio? Well, what I'm gettin' at is... what does Jake have that I haven't got? It's the stuff he comes up with. Funny things. Amazing things. Things that just give me the chills. Gimme an example of one of these chills things. OK. OK, there was this one time I was feeling really bad. It was a really down day, and Jake took my hand in his and being really sweet, he said, "Not even the rain has such small hands." "Not even the rain has such small hands?" Huh! What a nerd! It's EE Cummings. It's EE Cummings. Huh? Poetry, Eddie? And that gave you chills? Pff! You wouldn't understand. Allie? Allie? What? Not even the corn had such big ears. That's beautiful (!) I'm really moved (!) If it's poetry you want, I got it, baby. There once was a man from Nantucket ` There once was a man from Nantucket ` Just... drive the car, Eddie. Man, oh, man, I was sure you were a goner. It's been two hours. I can't have this conversation with you any more. It's been two hours. I can't have this conversation with you any more. What conversation? Where you say I was almost a goner and I go, "Yeah, that was close." Where you say I was almost a goner and I go, "Yeah, that was close." Oh! OK. That's the Pathfinder! Catch 'em up! That's the Pathfinder! Catch 'em up! Who's "them"? That's the Pathfinder! Catch 'em up! Who's "them"? My girlfriend! All the way out here? Wait. Are you saying that's Mrs Claus in that car? With another guy? Mrs Claus steppin' out on Santa, lettin' some other guy down the chimney? Why, that two-timin' ho! Why, that two-timin' ho! Er, Nolan, reality check? Say no more, Santa. I'm after 'em. (SIREN WAILS) Nolan, I said, "Catch them." Try not to kill us. All right. (SIREN) There's a cop behind us. Slow down. Oh, man! Cops make me nervous. I'm gonna make a run for it. Are you nuts? Are you nuts? My daddy said it's better to go out in a blaze of glory than to rot in a state correctional facility. than to rot in a state correctional facility. Ah. You're about to tell me the stuff in the back is stolen, right? I won't if you don't want me to. Stop the car, Nolan. Stop the...? Stop the...? Stop the car. All right, Jake, think, think, think. I know, put this on, act like my elf. Er, all right, right. How do elves act? I don't know. Happy. Happy. Merry Christmas, Officer. Problem? In a bit of a hurry? Well, that's my fault. Busy time of year for me. Ho-ho-ho! I'm an elf! So it seems. Do you realise you were going 79 in a 65mph zone? You should try catching me in my sleigh. Ho-ho-ho! My elf Snow Puff and I are heading to the children's hospital. You mean Red Cliff? You mean Red Cliff? Red Cliff, exactly! To deliver toys to the youngsters. Sorry if in my haste I sped up a bit, but every second counts to a bedridden child. All right. I'll tell you what. No more speeding. OK, Santa? 65, stay alive! Merry Christmas. Thank you, Officer. And that is how the big boys do it. And that is how the big boys do it. You know what? My shift ends soon. I'll get you there in no time. So, that's how the big boys do it? Shut up. So close,... yet so far. Please stay in the car, stay in the car, stay in the ca- I guess he couldn't hear you. Hey, thank you, Officer. Can I go in with you? I'd like to see the kids' faces when you give 'em the gifts. The more the merrier. And I want a pony and a Barbie dream house and ` That's great, but Santa'll give you something better. "A Kitchen Aid Classic Plus Toaster with accu-toast sensor for consistent toasting." This toaster is extra wide so you can get four bagels in there instead of two. OK, thank you, Santa. But, Santa, this was promised to a little cowpoke named Nolan. Hand it over to the kid, Snow Puff. Let's get this line moving. Who's next? And what do you want for Christmas? And finally... Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas! And what's your name? And what's your name? Esteban. Esteban. What do we have here today for Esteban? Oh! Look at this. A cordless vacuum cleaner. No, thank you. Well, er, I don't know what else I have here for you, buddy. What do you want for Christmas? To go home. I want to be with mi mama, mi papa, mi hermana Maribelle, mi hermano Mario, Tio Carlos, y mi Tio Ramon, Tia Christina, Tia Maria, grandmothers and grandfathers and my dog, Zorrito. And have Christmas tree and lights and angels and Christmas cookies. With little red and green sprinkles on top and plum pudding and Christmas carols and... Sugardoll, I miss you so much. I don't wanna fence stolen goods no more. Please come home for Christmas, Marjorie. I didn't mean to hurt ya. I can't spend the holidays alone. I can't spend the holidays alone. I just need to talk to my dad or Tracey. Are either of them there? Oh, gee, your dad and Tracey went to the mall. It's just me holding down the fort. Uh-huh. We're all so excited you're coming home. We've got the tree all set up. It looks great. "I've just been shopping and cooking." Speaking of which, your sweater size. Are you a...? You're a 38, right? Yeah, I guess. Where are you? Are you on your way home? Yeah, look, I gotta run, so, er, you take care now. OK? OK. Bye. Bye. Santa, although I've only been your elf for a very short time, I feel like a new man. Changed. Do I look changed to you? Well, maybe you've changed on the inside, where it counts. That's it. I've changed on the inside and I'm going home for Christmas. Home? I thought you were going east. No. Back the other way. No. Back the other way. But I saved your butt. Don't you think you owe me something? Er, yes, I do. Didn't mean to leave you hangin'. Well... Well... Merry Christmas! What? What? Can I have a word with you? Well, it's my wife, Marjorie. She left me last month. If I could get her back home for Christmas, I know we could start again. Why tell me? She won't listen to me. But she might listen to Santa. If you went into her workplace and asked her to forgive me, she'd come home. and asked her to forgive me, she'd come home. She left you? Yeah. So, where's your dignity? Let her come grovelling back to you. Yeah. Why drive all the way to Nebraska just to get slammed again? Yeah. Why drive all the way to Nebraska just to get slammed again? Wait, Nebraska? As in east of here? It's about a six-hour trip. It's about a six-hour trip. What's up with you? Don't you love her enough to take a little drive? So, Max, what did you do that made your wife so mad she'd move 300 miles away? I stayed out till 3 one morning. That's not so bad. With an old girlfriend. OK. If I get Marjorie to come for Christmas, you buy me a bus ticket to New York. If you can get her to come home for Christmas, I'll buy you a ticket to the moon. If you can get her to come home for Christmas, I'll buy you a ticket to the moon. Hey. Hey. Hey. Looking good. I got a weird call from Jake earlier. He didn't say where he was calling from, but I think he's on the road. I hope he makes it. I hope he makes it. No obstacle in this world will keep my son from this car. Oh my God, there's a scratch! Where?! Where?! Get a life, Dad! See ya. See ya. See ya. Well,... she's ready for you, son. Wherever you are. (COUNTRY MUSIC) There she is, right there. Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? No doubt. What should I tell her? That if she doesn't come home,... I'll die. I'll die. Good. Die! I'll die. Good. Die! Aren't you being a little harsh? Harsh? After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody? Well, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, like brother-sister. There was tongue. There was tongue. "There was not!" There was tongue. "There was not!" There was too, you big pig! Everybody saw it! Everybody saw it! "I didn't kiss her, it was the Jagermeister." We made a commitment, Max, to honour and obey, for better or for worse. to honour and obey, for better or for worse. "OK, this is worse." He really burns my biscuits! Let me handle this one, OK, Max? Give Max another chance. Maybe this is all a misunderstanding. He kissed her. How do you misunderstand that? He kissed her. How do you misunderstand that? But he didn't mean to hurt you. It's like this other couple I know who had a misunderstanding. What's wrong with them? What's wrong with them? They planned a trip east, but he tried to take her to Cabo San Lucas for Christmas instead. She thought he was selfish, which was a misunderstanding. She thought he was selfish, which was a misunderstanding. He sounds like a jerk. No, he's not! She should've realised that he has a stepmother that he doesn't like. What's wrong with her? What's wrong with her? The dad married her 10 months after his wife died. She must be a babe. It's not the stepmother's fault. It's not the stepmother's fault. Isn't 10 months too soon? Not if she's a babe. Sh! Look, what does any of this have to do with me and Max? Misunderstandings can be overcome if both people try. Max is sitting out there with a broken heart. All he's asking for is a second chance. Just give him another shot. Hey, Marj?! How's about a topper on this? You know what? I've got a job to do. H-How did it go? H-How did it go? You know what a swirly is? When somebody jams your head in a toilet and flushes it? When somebody jams your head in a toilet and flushes it? It was pretty much like that. Get in there and say something romantic. Huh? Something apologetic? Um... Um... Something in English! (HONKS HORN) Excuse us! (HONKS HORN) Excuse us! All right already! Come here. I got an idea. (MUSICIANS PLAY "MARYLAND" TUNE) (VOICE QUIVERS) # Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie # I need to have you home (CLEARS THROAT) # Oh, Marjorie, oh, Marjorie # I need to have you home # I'm sorry I was such # an insensitive jerk that night # I hope that singing this song # will make everything all right You're not the only one. # Oh, Marjorie # Oh, baby, oh, baby # Oh, baby # I'll make it up to you # on the velvet skirt # of the Christmas tree (DINERS CHUCKLE) # See, you're my wife # I'd give my life Moooooo! # If you'd just # come # home (Now, on your knees.) # Now, on your knees... # Do it, don't sing it! Marjorie,... I'm so sorry. Won't you please...? (DINERS GASP / CHEER) (RELIEVED SIGH) Here's your ticket. Bus'll be here in 10 minutes. Thanks. Thanks. Thank you. Well, see ya. Hey, Santa? I hope that other couple works through their misunderstandings. Me, too. What other couple? Oh, it doesn't matter. It's just you and me, baby. Mm. You know what I've always wondered? You know what I've always wondered? What? Out of all the planets in the universe, how is it that this is the only one with intelligent life? how is it that this is the only one with intelligent life? Yeah. Know what I always wonder about? Know what I always wonder about? What's that? Why don't more places serve food in the skillet, like Denny's? They give you meat, eggs and spuds in the pan. That rocks! Or when a homeless guy says he's the Messiah, then asks you for money and you walk away. But then you think, "What if he is the Messiah and I'm just blowing the dude off?" Think about it. I take back what I said about intelligent life on Earth. Hey, look at that! Ugh, Velveeta? Come on now. That's why we have to stay there. Where would you rather go? A dumpy motel or a fake Bavarian village in the middle of nowhere? A dumpy motel or a fake Bavarian village in the middle of nowhere? I don't think it's very Eddie. I think it's totally Eddie. It's completely cheesy and trying to be cool. When will you stop being mean to the Ed-Man? When will you stop being mean to the Ed-Man? When you stop referring to yourself in the third person. Maybe I should just go with it. (TOILET FLUSHES) Hey. Hey. Hey. Tell me what's better. Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas! (DEEP VOICE) Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas! (HOARSELY) Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas! Well, the first one's good for really little kids, like my sister, who's 3. And the second one's good for big kids like my friends and me. The third one's good if you wanna watch people run away screaming. OK, cool. Thanks. Whatever. (BRASS BAND PLAYS "WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS") (CLOCK CHIMES) (BOTH CHUCKLE) Look at that. The clock man is sexually harassing the clock lady. How typical. Don't witness it. You might have to testify. Wow, Eddie, that was actually clever. I'm a witty guy. You think this astonishing physique is all the Ed-Man has to offer? Huh? Well, take this, Ed-Man. Oh, my God, you're so dead. You're gonna get it so bad. (BOTH CHUCKLE) "This is Wendy Richards live in Edelbruck, site of the world-famous human clock." "The temperature outside is 31 degrees, but it's always warm under the mistletoe arch." "Here's a couple now. I hope you know where you're standing." I'll kill him. "Attention. Bus 33 to New York is now boarding. All passengers proceed..." I think you just stopped being mean to me. Excuse me, Conway? Excuse me, Conway? Get behind the yellow line. Excuse me, Conway? Get behind the yellow line. I need to ask you a favour. Get behind the yellow line. Get behind the yellow line. I know you're on a schedule, but I wonder if you wouldn't mind taking a detour to Edelbruck? Everyone would enjoy it. taking a detour to Edelbruck? Everyone would enjoy it. But I wouldn't. What if we...? No. What if we...? No. How about we...? No. What if we...? No. How about we...? No. But... No. Got it. That is very good. Look at that. Here. Why don't you try this yellow one? Sorry we only had one room left, it being Christmas and all, but I think you'll find it's very special. Willkommen to your honeymoon suite. (FEMALE OPERA SINGER SINGS) Is this yours? Hm? No. Not yours either? Well, whose is it? "Human liver?" "Human liver?" "Organ donation?" Oh, my God, we've got a live liver here! It says, "Deliver to Allie Henderson in Edelbruck." You think it's real? It says, "Deliver to Allie Henderson in Edelbruck." You think it's real? Let's take a look. Oh, no! We need to get to Edelbruck! OK, everybody, sit down! What in the hell is wrong with you? Get behind the yellow line! Get behind the yellow line! Don't give me your lip! I don't believe you. A girl in Edelbruck needs a liver transplant. We got a schedule to keep. We got a schedule to keep. Schedule, schmedule! Shame on you! We got a schedule to keep. Schedule, schmedule! Shame on you! This isn't about schedules. It's the gift of life. The greatest Christmas gift ever. Santa can even bring it to her. Santa can even bring it to her. This is a non-stop bus to New York. Santa can even bring it to her. This is a non-stop bus to New York. There's a reason for this! We were put on this bus to take this organ to Edelbruck! We were put on this bus to take this organ to Edelbruck! (ALL CHANT) Edelbruck! Hey, OK! OK! Do you think I don't care about that little girl? You're wrong. We're going to Edelbruck, but because I say we are. Hey, hey! Hey, now everybody behind the yellow line and sit down! It's funny. I never thought I'd end up sleeping in the same bed with you Yet, somehow, with you here, I feel safe. Yet, somehow, with you here, I feel safe. Want me to put on any more clothes? Nah, that should be fine. Good night, Eddie. Nah, that should be fine. Good night, Eddie. Good night. z I'm giving you 10 minutes! You find that girl, Santa! (ALL YELL) Go, Santa! Go, Santa! Everybody, sit down! # "Clarinet Polka Yodel" ` Mary Schneider Hi. Has an Allie Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in? Sorry, Santa. I can't give out information on our guests. I have a full plate of activities tonight, not to mention a grinch who has kidnapped Mrs Claus! not to mention a grinch who has kidnapped Mrs Claus! Sorry, Santa, but that's policy. Policy? Policy does not apply to me! I override policy! I wanna know where my girlfriend is! Maintenance! Where is he? Jake, what are you doing here? And why are you dressed like Santa Claus? I had to hijack a bus. Eddie and his buddies left me in the desert. Desert, Santa, buzzard, tumbleweed. So, why did you kiss that slimy moron? It's not what you think. What are you doing here? This love nest is full. What are you doing here? This love nest is full. Nothing happened! Whoa, where's the trust? I saw you kissing her on TV, dirtbag! He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds. Big deal. He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds. Big deal. It was more like five seconds. And they were good. Foul! Fighting foul! How could you let that idiot give you a ride? I thought you left me high and dry. I couldn't beam myself home. I thought you left me high and dry. I couldn't beam myself home. I was stuck in the desert. I couldn't get to you. I had no choice. OK, I forgive you. So, you still mad at me? If anyone should be mad, it's me. I've had to listen to Natalie Merchant and EZ Cummings. I've had to listen to Natalie Merchant and EZ Cummings. EE Cummings. I've been in a Santa suit for two days, fighting off buzzards and thugs in lederhosen. I'm tired, hungry, I stink, and cos of you, I'm not gonna be home by 6 tonight. Why do you have to be home by 6? What's that? You heard. Why do you have to be home by 6? Because that's when dinner will be ready? OW! If you have one decent chromosome in your DNA, you won't lie to me now. All right. It's just that... if I get home by then, my dad's gonna give me the Porsche. The Porsche. Allie ` Wait! You didn't trade Cabo for me, you traded it for a car. You didn't trade Cabo for me, you traded it for a car. No! You two deserve each other! (CHUCKLES) Whoo! Allie, wait. Just stop and listen to me. If I had to do it all over, I wouldn't mention the stupid car. Oh! Oh! I was kidding! Oh! I was kidding! You care about nobody but yourself. You're a manipulator and a liar. You're a manipulator and a liar. I am not a liar. You're a manipulator and a liar. I am not a liar. Wait a minute. You're the girl who needs the transplant? who needs the transplant? Is that what Santa told you? who needs the transplant? Is that what Santa told you? Uh-huh. Right. I'm taking his place on the bus. Wait, Allie, give me another chance. Wait, Allie, give me another chance. Why? Because I care about you. You gotta believe me. If you showed up in a one-horse open sleigh, I wouldn't believe you. Allie, I'm sorry. I can't take fake remorse from a fake Santa making fake apologies. You might be a fake boyfriend, but you're a genuine butthole! Bye, Santa. # "I Got Rolled" ` Jimmy Ray # I got rolled # The one I love is gone # I got rolled # I've seen guys get dumped before, but that was nuclear. Even I'm gonna be walking funny for a week. How do girls do that? Even I'm gonna be walking funny for a week. How do girls do that? It's that chick verbal skills thing. It's deadly. It's deadly. I gotta tell you, bro, I never thought I'd ever help you out, but after that massacre, I just wouldn't be human. It's pretty wild that I'm driving home with you. Oh, it sure is. Oh, it sure is. Now I can get the Porsche, drive it back to school, figure out how to get Allie back. Everything'll be great. Thanks. Sure. Get out. What? All that stuff you just said. I'm sorry, but I can't do that much good stuff for another person. It'd be way bad for my rep. What about that stuff you said about being human, helping out another guy in need? another guy in need? I just took you to Wisconsin. Besides, why help you out so you can get a Porsche and be cooler than me? I mean, not very smart. Not very Eddie. Er, you have to take that off first. Yeah, I know that. Thank you. Father Christmas, just tell me what you want from me. Better hurry! (CHATTER) It's called carbo loading. Best thing you can before a race. Hi. I'd like a number, please. Hi. I'd like a number, please. That'll be a $10 entrance fee. I mailed that in. OK. So, we sent you a receipt. Yes, you did, but, see, here's the dilly. There was a house fire and everything got torched. Personal papers, a little clay hand print ashtray I made when I was 3. Personal papers, a little clay hand print ashtray I made when I was 3. Oh, tragic tale. I'll cover the kid. Thanks. Jake Wilkinson. Thanks. Jake Wilkinson. Jeff Wilson. You have to wear your cap and beard or you'll be disqualified. Here we go again. Can anyone in this race actually run? Sparky Fantaloni won the state marathon 10 years ago. That was before the two-pack-a-day and lung removal. That was before the two-pack-a-day and lung removal. (COUGHS) This guy'll give us a run for our money. Kenyan?! Yes. "Santas to the starting line!" "Santas to the starting line!" (EXCITED CHATTER) (EXCITED CHATTER) See ya at the finish line. Go, Santas, go! Ya-hoo! Go, Santas! Santas, to your marks. On your marks! Get set! # "Run Rudolph Run" ` Five Easy Pieces # Out of all the reindeer you know you're the mastermind # Run, run, Rudolph # Run and don't you fall behind # Run, run, Rudolph, Santa's gotta make it to town... # (GRUNTS AND GROANS) (EDDIE HONKS HORN) Hey, jingle balls! Move your candy canes! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Go, Santas, go! Come on, Santas, keep going! Want a cookie? Want one? (DOG BARKS EXCITEDLY) (ALL) Whoaaaaaa! Go! Go! Oof! Well, that's the end of that. Or not. There you go. Easy does it. It's just you and me now. Ready to make a run for it? I was born ready. (WILD CHEERING) # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming to town Your hat!! # Santa Claus is coming to town Your hat!! You can't finish without the hat! # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming to town # Santa Claus is coming to town # (SPECTATORS CHEER WILDLY) Congratulations. Congratulations. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Congratulations. Congratulations. Thanks. Thank you very much. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Jake! Thank God! They're gonna try to arrest me! Meet me at the station! Taxi! Taxi! (CAR HORN / TYRES SCREECH) Santa says take me to the airport. One one hundred, two one hundred, three one hundred. (MAKES CAR ENGINE SOUNDS) Hey there. All right? You're the kid who beat Mayor Wilson in the race. Yep, that's me. Wait a minute. Mayor Wilson? He wins every year. We all wish he'd won this year, too. Seemed like a good guy. Keeps the potholes filled, huh? Seemed like a good guy. Keeps the potholes filled, huh? Yeah, he does. He also donates his winnings every year to buy turkeys for the poor. He had to be the mayor. Ow! Can you turn around, please? I'll be right back. Hey! When did Santa start using the mailbox? The new work exchange programme. Postman should be coming down your chimney later! Postman should be coming down your chimney later! You got some place to go? Yeah, it's Christmas Eve. Who doesn't? I could set a place for ya. No, thanks. I'll be fine. Jake! Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. You, too. Yes, Operator, it's collect from Jake. Tracey, accept the... Thank you. My dear brother, you are sounding stressed. Is it the bumblebees again? Is it the bumblebees again? Tell Dad I'm not gonna make it home. What do you mean? Is this about Carolyn? No. It's about being stuck in the middle of nowhere with no money. At this rate, I'll show up in January. So, Merry Christmas. I'll see you around. So, Merry Christmas. I'll see you around. Wait! What about the Porsche? What about it? Wow. You really must be in trouble. Would you fly home right now if you could? Would you fly home right now if you could? Er, like, yeah! I've got four years of birthday money in my ballerina bag. If I bought you a plane ticket, you'd make it in time for Christmas, right? You'd do that for me? You'd do that for me? No. I'd do it for Dad. Think of the pleasure I'll have holding this over your head for the rest of our lives. for the rest of our lives. Whatever you want. I'm near Madison, Wisconsin. I'll hitch a ride to the airport. But I don't have any ID to pick up the ticket. But I don't have any ID to pick up the ticket. I'll make up a secret password to go with your reservation that only you would know. to go with your reservation that only you would know. What's it gonna be? "I am a smelly, revolting jerk and my sister is a mad, cool goddess." Bingo. Wilkinson, comma, Jake. Unusual password. Unusual password. Unusual everything. When's the flight? In 20 minutes. I need a picture ID. In 20 minutes. I need a picture ID. I just gave you my password. But I can't let you on the plane without proper ID. Then what was the password for? Then what was the password for? I don't make the rules. It's just ` Then what was the password for? I don't make the rules. It's just ` Policy. I know. Thank you. Next. (DOG BARKS) Good Ringo. Merry Christmas to you, too, Ringo. Good Ringo. Good Ringo. (RINGO PASSES WIND) Good Ringo. (RINGO PASSES WIND) Oh! Bad Ringo! Bad Ringo! Ooh! Hey! Hey, Bill! Get him! Come here! Here, boy! (FREIGHT HANDLERS YELL / RINGO BARKS) Excuse me, coming through. Excuse me. Merry Christmas, Santa. Got a ticket? No. "This station is Pelham. Next stop is New Rochelle, followed by Larchmont." Even a bribe couldn't get him home. He still has 15 minutes. Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, lady! Gimme a ride? Please? Hey! Give Santa a ride? (SIGHS) Will anybody take me to Larchmont?! Aaaaargh! Hiya, Santa Claus. Wait! No, don't turn left, don't turn left! Sh! Sh! Don't turn! Go straight! Hey! Argh! (CHATTER) Package people, do not unwrap yourselves. I repeat, do not unwrap yourselves. If you do, you're out of my parade. Do I make myself clear? Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing? Hey! Buddy! (WHISTLES) I could swear I parked that sleigh here. (CAROL SINGERS) # Silent night # Holy night # All is calm # All is bright # Round yon virgin # Mother and chi- # (ALL YELL) Sorry! Come on, Jake. You can make it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Nice ride. Thanks. I just got him back from the shop. Elves upgraded his shoes to the new Firestone radials. Not bad. Maybe you shoulda thought about snow tyres. You said even if Santa showed up in a one-horse open sleigh you wouldn't believe that I cared about you. So, I don't expect this to work. But I gotta give it a shot. I'm not the real Santa, and contrary to all appearances, this is not a real sleigh. But, Allie, for all the times I've been a genuine jerk, this is a real apology, if you'll accept it. I might. And this... is a real kiss. Come home with me. I've got two minutes. Is this about the Porsche? Is this about the Porsche? Just come. I don't want ` Trust me. # Shepherds quake... # Comin' through! (ALL YELL) OK. Let's eat. What time is it? It's 5:59. You made it. Yeah, I guess I did. Tell me when it's after 6. OK? OK? What? Aren't you going in? No. Not yet. But I thought ` But I thought ` Sh, sh, sh! Just watch. Watch what? My family. (BELL TOWER CLOCK STRIKES SIX) Well, I guess it's about time I went home for Christmas. Care to join me? You bet. Hey, everybody! Merry Christmas! He made it. Hey, hey! You made it! I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. Me, too. Hard time gettin' here? Piece of cake. Piece of cake. What's, er, what's with the Santa suit? Long story, Dad. Hey. Ooh! You stink! Farting dog, cargo hold. Longer story. Well, son,... she's yours. But I didn't make it home on time. Just a few seconds late. Just a few seconds late. A deal's a deal. Besides, she isn't ready yet. What do you mean? What do you mean? We're not finished fixing her up yet. It'll take a bunch more Christmases together to finish her. Don't you think? Yeah. 30 or 40, at least. 36. Excuse me? My sweater size. I'm a 36. Or a medium. Either will work. What's yours? What's yours? Mine? Yeah. For future information. Eight. Eight. I'll remember that. (DISTANT MARCHING BAND) What the heck is that? What the heck is that? That would be my parade. What the heck is that? That would be my parade. (ALL) Excuse me? Hey! Wait a minute! That's our sleigh! That's the guy! Come on! Hey, buddy, you stole our sleigh. You are so lucky you're wearing that suit. A few days ago, I might not have agreed with you. Nice wings. Thanks. I took a sewing class. It shows. It shows. Peace. Come on, Santa, gimme a ride home. Come on, Santa, gimme a ride home. Let's all go for a ride. I've never been in a sleigh before. You better be careful. It's a rental. This is great! (CLICKS TONGUE) (CLICKS TONGUE) Let this puppy rip, bro! # "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" ` 'N Sync # Merry Christmas # Happy holidays # Merry Christmas, merry Christmas # Merry Christmas # Merry Christmas # Merry Christmas # Happy holidays # Ooh, yeah # We've been waiting # all year for this night # When the snow is glistening on the trees outside # And all the stockings are hung by the fireside # Waiting for Santa to arrive # And all the love will show # Cos everybody knows # it's Christmas time # And all the kids will see # the gifts under the tree # It's the best time of year for the family # It's a wonderful feeling # Feel the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling # It's that time of year # Christmas time is here # And with the blessings from above # God sends you His love # And everything's OK # Merry Christmas, happy holidays # Oh, yeah # Oh, yeah # Merry Christmas # Merry Christmas, happy holidays # Bells are ringing, it's time to scream and shout # Scream and shout # And everybody's playing cos school's out # Celebrating the special times we share # Happiness cos love is in the air # And all the love will show # Cos everybody knows # it's Christmas time # And all the kids will see # gifts under the tree # It's the best time of year for the family # It's a wonderful feeling # Feel the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling # It's that time of year # Christmas time is here # And with the blessings from above # God sends you His love # And everything's OK # Merry Christmas, happy holidays # Merry Christmas # Merry Christmas # Merry Christmas and happy holidays # Ooh-ooh # Merry Christmas # Oh, yeah # Merry Christmas # and happy holiday # No matter what your holiday # It's a time to celebrate # Put your worries aside # And open up your mind # See the world right by your side # It's Christmas time # Merry Christmas, merry Christmas # Merry Christmas # Happy holiday # Sing it, everybody # Merry Christmas # Come on now # Merry Christmas # Let me hear ya # Merry Christmas and happy holiday # It's a wonderful feeling # Feel the love in the room from the floor to the ceiling # It's that time of year # Christmas time is here # And with the blessings from above # God sends you His love # And everything's OK # Merry Christmas, happy holidays # Come on now # Come on now # Merry Christmas # Let me hear ya # Merry Christmas and happy holidays IMS Subtitles MALI GRIFFITHS www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Captioning NZ 2001