LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC CAPTIONS BY ABLE. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. COPYRIGHT ABLE 2016 LIGHT-HEARTED CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC HEIGHTENS SOARING MUSIC JACK, RACCOONS GOT IN THE GARBAGE AGAIN LAST NIGHT. SEE? SOMEONE LIKES YOUR MOTHER'S TIRAMISU. YEAH, DON'T BLAME ME. DAVID WAS ON TRASH DUTY LAST NIGHT. DAVID, KIDDO, YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE RACCOON STUFF. I CAN'T GO OUTSIDE NOW. I'D BE A SITTING DUCK. CAN I CLEAN IT WHEN I GET BACK? HONEY, WE'VE ONLY LIVED HERE FOR THREE MONTHS. IT'S TOO SOON TO RUIN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD. MOM, DAVID TOOK MY IGNEOUS ROCKS FOR THE SCIENCE FAIR. I NEED THEM TO WEIGH DOWN MY DECOY! (GROANS) OH GREAT (!) OK, NOW MY LUNCH MEETING IS NOW A BREAKFAST MEETING AT THE OFFICE. SO, FLETCHER FAMILY, DOUBLE TIME! MOM, WHAT DO I`? OK, GREEK SALAD IN THE BAG NEXT TO THE KETCHUP. AND GET SOMETHING FOR YOUR BROTHER. I NEED TO BE IN COURT IN 40 MINUTES. WHERE'S STEFFIE? STEFFIE? OH, WHERE IS STEFFIE? WHERE IS STEFFIE? HI, SWEETHEART. YOU'RE ALL DRESSED AND READY TO GO. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? QUEEN ESMERALDA AND KING WALLACE HAVE GONE TO WAR, AND THEIR ARMIES HAVE SLAUGHTERED THOUSANDS. (CHUCKLES) GREAT IMAGINATION, STEFFIE. THERE YOU GO, SWEETHEART. THANK YOU. OK. OH, AH, I GOT TIRAMISU ON MY SHOES. LIGHT CURIOUS MUSIC HE'S OUT THERE. I KNOW IT. SNOWBALLS THWACK OK, NOW, WHILE HE'S RELOADING, I'M MAKING A BREAK FOR THE CAR. EXCITING MUSIC THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! MY RUSSIAN MOGUL'S IN TOWN FOR THE ACQUISITION,... THE COURT STARTS AT 9,... ...AND NADINE'S GONNA KILL ME IF THIS DOESN'T GO WELL. ...THE JUDGE IS STILL PISSED AT ME, SO I CAN'T BE LATE. I GOTTA GO. OK. ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA TAKE ANNA, AND, OH, I PUT US DOWN FOR THREE BOXES OF CHRISTMAS CARDS FROM DAVID'S SCOUT TROOP. WE JUST FINISHED THANKSGIVING. IT'S DECEMBER 16TH. THINGS KINDA GOT AWAY FROM US. CHRISTMAS, A CRASS COMMERCIALISATION OF A FORMER PAGAN WINTER FESTIVAL. (CLAPS) YAY (!) ANNA, LOSE THE CYNICISM. LITTLE EARS CAN HEAR YOU. HAVE A GOOD DAY. BYE, HONEY. COME ON, STEF. LET'S GO. SEE YA SOMETIME. LET'S GO. LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC DAVID, SEATBELT. THANK YOU. ENGINE REVS, HORN HONKS, TYRES SQUEAL MUSIC CONTINUES INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS SORRY. DOOR SQUEAKS (PANTS) (SIGHS) HI, EVERYBODY. AH, MAYA, DARLING. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SEND OUT A SEARCH PARTY (!) FORTUNATELY, OUR RUSSIAN FRIEND HERE IS A FAN OF GOOD BELUGA. I AM SO SORRY THAT I'M LATE. LET'S GET STARTED. MAYA, MEET BORIS TARTAKOV, THE GENTLEMAN WHO GAVE THE FRAGRANCE WORLD SIBERIA. PLEASURE. AND MAYA, YOU ARE...? I'M NADINE'S VP OF NEW BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT. MM. I POACHED MAYA FROM THE MAJORS A FEW MONTHS AGO. SHE'S GONNA TAKE US FROM BOUTIQUE TO TOP-TIER. WE LOVE SIBERIA, AND YOU'VE HAD SO MUCH SUCCESS IN EUROPE,... YEP. ...BUT THE BIGGEST RETURNS ARE HERE IN NORTH AMERICA. AND I'M SURE YOU'RE BEING WOOED BY ALL THE NEW YORK COMPANIES, BUT YOU WILL JUST BE ONE OF 50 BRANDS IN THEIR PORTFOLIO. BUT HERE AT NADINE COSMETICS, YOU WILL HAVE OUR FULL FOCUS. YOU WILL BE THE CENTREPIECE OF OUR FAMILY. I LIKE IDEA. FAMILY. BUT... (KNOCKS ON TABLE) I NEED DETAILS. I MUST KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE SIBERIA... STAND OUT! HUH? EXACTLY, WHICH IS WHY I'M FINALISING OUR PROPOSED MARKETING PLAN. AND IF IT ALL MEETS WITH YOUR APPROVAL, WE CAN HAVE THIS DEAL WRAPPED UP BY CHRISTMAS. I HAVE GREAT CURIOSITY FOR AMERICAN CHRISTMAS! # JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE IN SNOW! (LAUGHS) I'VE RENTED ASPEN FOR HOLIDAY SEASON. OH, A PLACE THERE? NO, NO. ASPEN. OH, SOUNDS COSY. HOW ABOUT YOU, MAYA? OH, NOTHING BIG. JUST A FAMILY GET-TOGETHER. OH. (GROANS) I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE AMERICAN CHRISTMAS WAS BIG CELEBRATION. WHAT IS GOING ON? (CHUCKLES) MAYA HAS A REPUTATION FOR DELIVERING BIG. OH, WELL, BY FAMILY GET-TOGETHER, I MEAN WE ARE HAVING OUR ANNUAL HUGE CHRISTMAS BLOWOUT. EVERY CHRISTMAS EVE, WE HAVE A GIANT PARTY ` MUSIC, DANCING, CHAMPAGNE. OH MY GOSH. WE INVITE ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE. IT GETS BIGGER AND BIGGER EVERY YEAR. OK. BIG AMERICAN CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION! (SLAPS PALM) YOUR INVITATION IS MOST KIND. WHAT? I LOOK FORWARD TO IT. LADIES. FIRST AMERICAN CHRISTMAS PARTY. (CHUCKLES) OH. I LOOK FORWARD TO IT TOO. I KNOW IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, BUT I WANT HEADS DOWN ON THIS. I'D LIKE YOU TO FIND A CHRISTMAS BONUS IN YOUR STOCKING AS OPPOSED TO A LUMP OF COAL. I'M LATE FOR MY SEAWEED WRAP. (CHUCKLES) HUH. (SIGHS) UGH! WHAT A DAY. THE FRAGRANCE INDUSTRY SEEMS DAINTY, BUT REALLY, IT'S JUST A DOGGY, GOOD-SMELLING DOG. YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? THE CITY DOUBLED MY CASE LOAD TODAY. AND GET THIS ` I AM DEFENDING A MALL SANTA ACCUSED OF SHOPLIFTING. HE TRIED ESCAPING THROUGH AN AIR SHAFT DURING A BATHROOM BREAK TODAY. ALL RIGHT. AIR SHAFT, CHIMNEY. HE'S SANTA. HE GOT CONFUSED. YOU KNOW WHAT? I LIKE THAT. I THINK I'LL USE IT. YOU'RE COOKING DINNER, RIGHT? WELL, TODAY WAS YOUR DAY. OK, WELL, THEN WE'RE HAVING, UH, LEFTOVER THAI. (SIGHS) MICROWAVE BEEPS KIDS, DINNER. ANNA: (CHUCKLES) I KNOW, RIGHT? (LAUGHS) GIVE ME A SECOND. MUSHY PAD THAI? DOES ANYONE KNOW THE MSG CONTENT IN THIS? I'VE GOT A PAPER TO WRITE, AND I NEED A CLEAR HEAD. OK. SO, CHAD WALKED BY ME IN BIO TODAY. HONEY, ARE YOU EATING WITH US? UM, NO. I THINK I'M GOING TO EAT IN MY... ROOM. OK. DO YOU THINK THEY REALISE THEY'RE RELATED TO EACH OTHER (?) (CHUCKLES) HUH? YOU'RE NOT GONNA EAT WITH US? KING WALLACE IS GONNA BE EXECUTED TOMORROW, SO ESMERELDA PREFERS TO EAT ALONE. OK. DON'T WORRY. SHE JUST NEEDS TIME TO ADJUST TO THE MOVE. DR ANTON SAYS THE BEST THING IS JUST LET IT ALL WORK ITSELF OUT. ALL RIGHT. LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC BOY, WHAT A DAY. HON, IT'S GONNA GET WORSE. I WAS TALKING TO MY PARENTS TODAY. THEY'RE COMING FOR CHRISTMAS. NO! (CHUCKLES) I THOUGHT AFTER I 'ACCIDENTALLY' BROKE THE VASE THAT YOUR MOTHER SENT, WE WERE SORT OF FREE AND CLEAR. WELL, UH, I GUESS YOU'VE BEEN FORGIVEN. NO. ALL RIGHT, SO THAT'S YOUR PARENTS PLUS OUR FIVE. PLUS, ONCE MY MOTHER FINDS OUT THAT YOUR MOTHER IS COMING... AND COUSIN JIMMY. NO. THAT SPONGE? OH, HON, COME ON. HIS KIDS ARE IN THAT SCARED-STRAIGHT CAMP. HE'S GONNA BE ALL BY HIMSELF. ALL RIGHT. SO THAT'S NINE PEOPLE FOR CHRISTMAS. AND I THINK WE WERE AT YOUR SISTER'S LAST YEAR, WEREN'T WE? OH. YOU DON'T THINK SHE WANTS TO COME, DO YOU? MM. ALL RIGHT. I'LL SEND HER A TEXT. AND WHEN WE WERE AT THE LAKE THIS SUMMER, COUSIN YOLANDA SAID SHE MIGHT BE SHOWIN' UP. NO. SHE'S NEVER GONNA FIND SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF ALL THOSE CATS. (LAUGHS) WELL, EITHER WAY, IT'S GONNA BE A FULL HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS. WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S GONNA BE A LITTLE BIT FULLER, BECAUSE TODAY, I ACCIDENTALLY INVITED MY NEW CLIENT TO A HUGE PARTY THAT WE'RE HAVING CHRISTMAS EVE. OOH, IT'LL BE SO FUN. LAUGHS: WHAT? ARE YOU PLEADING INSANITY? NADINE WAS PUTTING THE HEAT ON, SO I SORT OF IMPROVISED. BUT DON'T WORRY. I CAN HANDLE IT. OH, YOU CAN HANDLE IT? SUPERWOMAN (?) I HAVE A FEELING THAT WE ARE TAKING ON TOO MUCH. I MEAN, WE ARE GONNA BE UP TO OUR EYEBALLS IN RELATIVES IN A FEW DAYS. THEN WHY ARE YOU MAKING YOUR AFRAID FACE? I CAN HANDLE IT. QUIRKY MUSIC OK, TOMORROW, STEFFIE'S AT JOSEPHINE'S UNTIL 4.30. DAVID HAS A GUITAR LESSON, AND ANNE IS AT SKATING. SO AS LONG AS THE CLONING MACHINE IS WORKING AND WE CAN BE IN THREE DIFFERENT PLACES AT THE SAME TIME, WE'RE GOLDEN. DO YOU REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE HOSTED A BIG FAMILY CHRISTMAS? YEAH. DO YOU REMEMBER THE` THE PICKY EATING AND THE SECOND-GUESSING OUR PARENTING, AND... JIMMY HIT THE STRIP CLUB. REALLY, WHAT'S THE POINT IN WORRYING? IN FACT, I HAVE JUST THE SOLUTION TO DE-STRESS. (SIGHS) (SQUEALS) MMM. (SMOOCHES) HONEY, DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT I HAVE 10,000 WOMEN'S LIPSTICKS ON MY MIND, OK? (SMOOCHES) LOVE YOU. CURIOUS MUSIC (SIGHS) YOUR BIRTHDAY'S IN NINE MONTHS. WE'LL DO IT THEN, OK? PHONE RINGS HEY, SEXY. WANNA RUN AWAY FOR CHRISTMAS? HON, I GOT IT ` THE SOLUTION TO OUR CHRISTMAS PROBLEM. SEE, I RAN INTO TOM AT JUDGE HARPER'S OFFICE, AND HE TOLD ME SOMETHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY SAVE OUR LIVES. THE NAME OF A GOOD FAMILY THERAPIST? UH, UH, WELL, NO, UH, LAST YEAR, THE JUDGE HIRED SOMEONE TO ORGANISE HIS CHRISTMAS FOR HIM. REALLY? LIKE A CATERER? NO, NO, NO, BETTER THAN THAT. APPARENTLY, THERE'S A SPECIALIST WHO WORKS AS A CHRISTMAS CONSULTANT. AND YOU HIRE HIM TO OVERSEE EVERYTHING ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS ` I MEAN, THE DECORATING, THE PLANNING OF THE MEALS, THE CHRISTMAS SONGS, THE TREE, ALL OF IT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? HE GOT IT DONE UNDER BUDGET AND ON TIME. REALLY? YEAH. IT'S KIND OF LIKE A WEDDING PLANNER FOR CHRISTMAS. ANYWAY, THE JUDGE SAID ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS SIT AROUND AND RELAX. ANYWAY, I SENT YOU THE LINK. CHECK IT OUT. OK, HOLD ON. I DON'T KNOW, HONEY. I MEAN, DO YOU REALLY THINK WE NEED THIS GUY? HON, WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED BUYING GIFTS. WE HAVEN'T GOT A TREE. WE HAVEN'T BEGUN TO DO THE MILLION AND ONE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO MAKE THE HOLIDAY HAPPEN. SWEETHEART, WHY DON'T WE BOTH JUST LEAVE WORK EARLY, AND THEN WE CAN START CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR THE KIDS' GIFTS? SPEAKER: MAYA, THE RUSSIANS ARE ON THREE, NADINE'S HAVING A MELTDOWN, AND THE SHREDDER JUST CAUGHT ON FIRE. WHEN CAN WE MEET HIM? SOFT PIANO MUSIC NOW, REMEMBER, HONEY ` GAME FACE. WE WANNA KEEP THE PRICE DOWN. RIGHT. AND WE ARE HIRING HIM, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. YES. (SNIFFS) OH, MAYBE THAT'S HIM. NO, JUST WAVED AT A STRANGER. WHAT ABOUT THIS GUY? HOPE NOT. NOPE. TINKLY MUSIC HYVAA JOULUA! GLAEDELIG JUL! I'M SORRY? THAT MEANS MERRY CHRISTMAS IN FINNISH AND DANISH. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR RUSSIAN? (CHUCKLES) WESOLYCH SWIAT! WELL, YOU MUST BE OWEN. I'M MAYA, AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND, JACK. HELLO. GREAT TO MEET YOU. I MUST TELL YOU ` I LOVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE CHRISTMAS AS MUCH AS I DO. AND I PROMISE YOU WILL NOT REGRET HIRING ME AS A CHRISTMAS CONSULTANT. IT WILL BE THE BEST DECISION YOU HAVE EVER MADE. THINKING ABOUT HIRING A CHRISTMAS CONSULTANT. WELL, THE HOLIDAY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. THE BIG DAY, CHRISTMAS DAY, IS COMING. SO, OWEN, WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT YOU DO? WELL, FOR STARTERS, I HELP YOU PICK YOUR MENU OF ALL YOUR YULETIDE FAVOURITES. SO YOU HELP WITH THE FOOD? THEN I ALSO HELP YOU FIND THE PERFECT GIFT. SO YOU'RE LIKE A PERSONAL SHOPPER? BETTER. I OPTIMISE YOUR HOLIDAY SEASON TO MAXIMISE YOUR CHRISTMAS FUN AND TOGETHERNESS. COULD YOU GIVE US SOME SPECIFICS, PLEASE? ABSOLUTELY. WITH ME,... YOU GET THE WHOLE PACKAGE. SO LET ME SHOW YOU. ALL RIGHT, NOW, THIS HOUSEHOLD ISN'T ORGANISED, SO THE ELVES ARE GRUMPY. HEY, THAT'S OUR HOUSE. I EMAILED HIM A PICTURE, HONEY. SO THE ELVES, THEY'RE OVERWHELMED WITH WORK AND DEALING WITH RELATIVES. AND WHAT THEY DON'T REALISE IS THEY NEED SOMEONE LIKE ME TO HELP THEM ORGANISE ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS. NOW THIS FAMILY HAS TIME TO ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY WITHOUT THE STRESS OF ORGANISING EVERYTHING THEMSELVES. SEE, WE COULD BE THOSE ELVES. REMEMBER, HONEY, WE'RE STILL ON THE FENCE. DO YOU HAVE ANY REFERENCES? UM, REFERENCES? THANK YOU. (CHUCKLES) THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE, BUT WHY ARE YOU STILL AVAILABLE? USUALLY, I'M BOOKED UP A YEAR IN ADVANCE, BUT THE FAMILY THAT HIRED ME THIS YEAR JUST RELOCATED TO SWEDEN, SO I'M ALL YOURS. AND THIS IS ALL YOU DO? YOU JUST PLAN CHRISTMASES ALL YEAR LONG? NO, I DO WEDDINGS, BAR MITZVAHS, BUT CHRISTMAS IS WHERE MY HEART IS. CHRISTMAS IS A YEAR-ROUND PROPOSITION. WHOA. ARE THOSE YOUR PRICES? YES, BUT I GUARANTEE YOU ` IF YOU HIRE ME, YOU'LL END UP SAVING MONEY. NOW, I ONLY HAVE ONE RESTRICTION. I CANNOT WORK ON CHRISTMAS DAY. I SPEND CHRISTMAS DAY WITH MY FAMILY. BUT UP UNTIL 12 O'CLOCK ON CHRISTMAS EVE, I WILL DO EVERYTHING THAT YOU OTHERWISE WORRY ABOUT. MY SOUL PURPOSE IN THE NEXT WEEK IS TO MAKE THE FLETCHER FAMILY CHRISTMAS THE BEST CHRISTMAS YOU'VE EVER HAD. (CHUCKLES) WILL YOU EXCUSE US FOR JUST ONE SECOND, PLEASE? YES. QUIRKY MUSIC OK, I ADMIT IT. I LIKE HIM. DID YOU SEE THE PRICES HE CHARGES? WE JUST TOOK ON THIS HUGE MORTGAGE, AND I'M ON PROBATION WITH NADINE. YOU KNOW WHAT? HE'LL FREE UP TIME FOR OUR FAMILY TO BE TOGETHER, AND HE'LL HELP US SURVIVE OUR JOBS. ALL RIGHT, THAT IS A GOOD POINT. BUT STILL` CELL PHONE CHIRPS OH, FROM MY SISTER. (GASPS) SHE WOULD LOVE TO COME. (SCREECHES) SO, OWEN, SURELY YOUR PRICE IS NEGOTIABLE. SORRY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY ELVES I HAVE TO PAY. PHONE RINGS, MAYA AND JACK CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY EXCUSE ME. NADINE? OH. TARTAKOV'S SO LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR HUGE CHRISTMAS PARTY. WELL, THAT'S GREAT. (CHUCKLES) ALL RIGHT. BYE FOR NOW. WHERE DO I SIGN? LET THE CELEBRATION BEGIN! (LAUGHS) # JOY TO THE WORLD. THE LORD HAS COME. IS THE SINGING INCLUDED? (HUMS 'JOY TO THE WORLD') QUIRKY MUSIC # WE WISH YOU... # ENGINE TURNS OFF (CHUCKLES) HI, OWEN. IS THAT HIM? YOU BETCHA. HE COULD BE THE ANSWERS TO ALL OUR PRAYERS. HELLO, FLETCHER FAMILY! (LAUGHS) KIDS, THIS IS THE GENTLEMAN THAT I WAS TALKING TO YOU ABOUT. OWEN, THESE ARE MY KIDS. NO NEED FOR INTRODUCTIONS! I HAVE DONE MY HOMEWORK. YOU MUST BE DAVID. HELLO, BROTHER. GIVE ME A POUND. EXCUSE ME? GIVE ME A POUND. HYAH! (LAUGHS) OH, AND YOU MUST BE STEFFIE. OH, MY STEFFIE'S A LITTLE SHY. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. CUTESY VOICE: OH, HI, STEFFIE. IS CHRISTMAS YOUR FAVOURITE THIS TIME OF THE YEAR TOO? (GIGGLES CREEPILY) (CHUCKLES) LOOKS LIKE WE GOT THE RIGHT GUY. THIS GUY'S A TOTAL ASSCLOWN. OH, OH, OH, OH! HUMBUG! HUMBUG DETECTOR! OH! OH! OH, OH, OH, OOH! IT'S OFF THE SCALE! IT'S OFF THE SCALE, POINTING RIGHT AT YOU, DAVID! DETECTOR RINGS HUMBUG! HUMBUG! HUMBUG! HUMBUG! WHOA! WHOA, WHOA. DAVID, WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS? WHOA. WHOA. WOW! WOW, OWEN. THAT WAS REALLY GOOD. YOU GOTTA GET THOSE KIDS RIGHT OFF THE BAT, OR YOU'RE SUNK. OH. YOU MUST BE ANNA. NOW, TELL ME, YOU DON'T LIKE CHRISTMAS LIKE THE REST OF THEM? OH, NO, NO, NO. I'M THRILLED TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS HOLLOW CHARADE OF UNBRIDLED CONSUMERISM (!) I AGREE. CHRISTMAS ISN'T ABOUT MERE PURCHASES, CRASS COMMERCIALISATION. ALTHOUGH, I AM A SUCKER FOR A REINDEER CHIA PET. THEY'RE SO LOVELY, THE LITTLE FURRY GUYS. (LAUGHS) I TELL YOU WHAT ` I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. YOU CUT ME SOME SLACK ` TWO TICKETS TO 'STARS ON ICE'. WHADDAYA SAY? A DEAL? I CAN'T WAIT. OK, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ANY QUESTIONS? SUGGESTIONS? COMMENTS? IS THERE A SANTA? AND DOES HE SLEEP IN THE SAME BEDROOM AS MRS CLAUS? OH, WHOO. DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING. ALL RIGHT. THIS WILL DO NICELY. A PERFECT CANVAS FOR A PERFECT CHRISTMAS CLASSIC. I HAVE NEVER SEEN STEFFIE TAKE TO SOMEONE THAT QUICKLY. I MEAN, SHE'S NORMALLY SO SHY. I HAVE TO ADMIT, I'M IMPRESSED. YEAH, AND I THINK IT'S ONLY GONNA GET BETTER. THIS CHRISTMAS IS GONNA BE A BREEZE. ANYWAY, I HAVE TO GET DOWN TO THE OFFICE, PICK UP THAT MALL SANTA DEPOSITION. OK, I'M GONNA GET SOME WORK DONE. I'LL SEE YA LATER. YEAH, SEE YA. CARLOS, GET IN HERE. I NEED TO SEND MAYA A TEXT. PHONES RING IN BACKGROUND SETTLE. UGH. FIND OUT WHERE MAYA IS WITH THE MARKETING PLAN. A-A-AND, YOU KNOW, THIS IS A LITTLE TOO ROUGH, OK? AND I'M SMELLING THAT THESE CUCUMBERS ARE NOT ORGANIC. (SIGHS) HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BELL DINGS HEAR YE, HEAR YE, CHRISTMAS ASSEMBLY! OK, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING. OK, KIDS, ON THE STAIRS. CHRISTMAS ASSEMBLY IS FOR... (RINGS BELL) EVERYONE. OK, OK. DON'T WANNA START OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT. BELL RINGS LIGHTLY ALL RIGHT, ELVES. WE ARE HERE TO CREATE A SUPERLATIVE CHRISTMAS, ONE FOR THE RECORD BOOKS. FIRST OF ALL, WE HAVE TO THROW A KICKASS PARTY ON CHRISTMAS EVE FOR YOUR MOM. TOMORROW NIGHT, WE HAVE AN OUTDOOR SCREENING OF MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET. AND THEN, AT 0900, A CANDY CANE-TASTING CONTEST. I ALSO HAVE SOME FANTASTIC IDEAS FOR A CHRISTMAS PAGEANT THAT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF. NOW, WE WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM. YOU FOLLOW THIS MINUTE-BY-MINUTE ITINERARY RIGHT DOWN TO THE LAST SECOND FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS OF FUN. AND WE WILL HAVE FUN, WON'T WE? QUIETLY: YEAH. I CAN'T HEAR YOU! YES! YES. WE WILL HAVE FUN! QUIETLY: YEAH. OH, WHAT IS THAT? NO TEXTING. INSUBORDINATE ELF. INSUBORDINATE ELF. NO TEXTING. WELL, OH, OH, WHAT THE HECK. HOLIDAY GOODIES FOR ALL! HO-HO! HO-HO! HO-HO! WHERE DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT? OH, I SAW IT ON THE CHRISTMAS CHANNEL. THERE'S A CHRISTMAS CHANNEL? IN MY HEAD, 24/7. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) OK, WE HAVE ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING TO DO TO KICK CHRISTMAS OFF RIGHT ` CRUCIAL, ACTUALLY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? ANYONE? UH, HANG WREATHS? NO. PUT UP CHRISTMAS LIGHTS! NO! TO FIND... THE IDEAL TREE! AND THIS IS THE PERFECT TREE. TRUNK CIRCUMFERENCE ` 20 INCHES. HEIGHT ` 9'4". THIS IS THE GOLDEN RATIO! NOW, WE WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM, WE WIN. GOT IT? SIR, YES, SIR. I CAN'T HEAR YOU! SIR, YES, SIR! OK. YOU'RE GONNA COME PICK THE TREE, RIGHT, MOMMY? CELL PHONE CHIRPS OF COURSE I AM. I'VE PICKED THE FAMILY TREE THE LAST FIVE YEARS. I'M NOT GONNA MISS MY FAVOURITE PART OF CHRISTMAS. (SIGHS) OK, TROOPS, OPERATION BLITZEN, COMMENCE. LET'S GO! # IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH. # O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO, LAUGHING ALL THE WAY. COME ON, ANNA. REMEMBER OUR DEAL. # BELLS ON BOBTAILS RING. YOU EVER TRIED PUTTING BELLS ON BOBTAILS? (LAUGHS) THIS IS HIGHLY EMBARRASSING. # MAKING SPIRITS BRIGHT. SORRY. # OH, WHAT FUN TO LAUGH AND SING # A SLEIGHING SONG TONIGHT! # OK, NOW, SELECTING THE RIGHT TREE IS THE MOST CRUCIAL EVENT IN DETERMINING HOW THE CHRISTMAS SEASON GOES. EVERYTHING STEMS FROM THE TREE. SO DON'T LOOK AT THIS AS A CHORE, BUT LOOK AT THIS AS AN ADVENTURE AND THAT WE ARE A TEAM. ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE THESE FOR? IF WE'RE GOING TO FIND THE WORLD'S BEST, MOST PERFECT TREE, THEN HERE... IS WHAT WE... GOTTA DO. COME HERE. (WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) WHISPERS: BREAK, BREAK. CELL PHONE CHIRPS LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC QUIRKY MUSIC WHISPERS: MAYA! VISUAL CONTACT! (GRUNTS) INCOMING! OW! MAYA! GO LONG! ALL RIGHT, ELVES. BRING UP THE REAR. BRING UP THE REAR. DAVID, REPORT. OK, TRUNK 12 INCHES, HEIGHT 72, WIDTH 30. TOO TOP-HEAVY ` WON'T HOLD THE STAR. ANNA, REPORT. TRUNK 19, HEIGHT 74, WIDTH 62. TOO SQUAT. REACHING PRESENTS WILL BE LIKE AN OBSTACLE COURSE IN A CACTUS FIELD. OH, BOGEY AT 12 O'CLOCK. REMEMBER WHAT WE PRACTISED. GO. (SCREAMS) MUSICAL FLOURISH OWEN, I FOUND A GREAT TREE. QUADRANT FIVE, QUADRANT FIVE, STAY ON YOUR MISSION. STAY ON YOUR MISSION. NO, I'M SERIOUS ` A GREAT TREE. YOUR MOM'S GONE ROGUE! STAY ON YOUR MISSION, MAYA! OWEN, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. I'M SORRY, THAT IS MINE. NO, NO! HEY, LADY, UNHAND THAT TREE! CAN'T` OWEN, HELP! OH, THAT'S MINE! JIMMY, QUICK, BITE HER FINGER! MINE! MINE. (GRUNTS) COME ON. COME ON. BOTH GRUNT KIDS, HELP! OWEN! HELLO? WAIT, WAIT. WHOA. WAIT A MINUTE. WHOA. HEIGHT ` EXCELLENT! WIDTH ` PERFECT! NEEDLE CONCENTRATION ` 98%! AH! IT'S LIKE A ROLLER DERBY BACK THERE. SOMEBODY HIT ME, AND THEN SOMEBODY BIT ME, AND... WHA`? WOW. MOMMY, WE GOT THE BEST TREE ON THE LOT. CELL PHONE RINGS HOLD ON, SWEETHEART. HOLD THAT THOUGHT. HELLO? PHONE: DARLING. HEY, GANG. THERE YOU ARE. I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU ALL MORNING. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! HOW'S THE MARKETING PLAN COMING? IT'S COMING ALONG REALLY WELL. I THINK WE'VE FOUND THE BESTEST TREE EVER! HMM. SOUNDS LIKE WHAT'S COMING ALONG GREAT IS A TREE. (SIGHS) LET'S TAKE IT HOME! WHOO! MAYA, I'M COUNTING ON YOU. (LAUGHS) YEAH, IT'S GOING REALLY WELL. (WHISTLES CHEERFULLY) (LAUGHS) YES, NADINE. 100%, YES. OK, WAIT FOR ME. WHERE IS SHE GOING? HEY! HEY, MA` DID YOU JUST HANG UP THE PHONE? WHOA, NICE TREE. OH MAN. YOU'VE GOT A GREAT EYE. I THINK THIS IS YOUR BEST YET. OWEN PICKED IT. OH. WELL, I GUESS NOBODY OUTDOES THE MASTER. CELL PHONE RINGS HON, THE POINT IS OWEN IS HELPING, WHICH LEAVES MORE TIME FOR US. (CHUCKLES) STEFFIE: GRANDMA AND GRANDPA CALLED FROM THE CAR. THEY'RE ALMOST HERE! HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO. REMEMBER, OWEN IS JUST A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY WHO'S STAYING FOR THE HOLIDAYS. I GOT IT. WHY'S IT OK TO LIE ABOUT THAT, BUT WHEN I LIED ABOUT BREAKING THE LAMP, IT WAS WRONG? DARLING, WE'RE NOT LYING. IT'S JUST THAT YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE ELDERLY, AND WE DON'T WANNA CONFUSE THEM. AND IF YOUR MOTHER FINDS OUT THAT WE HIRED SOMEONE TO HELP WITH OUR CHRISTMAS, YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT RIGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE. NOTHING BETTER THAN BEING CAUGHT BETWEEN MY WIFE... AND MY MOTHER. I SMELL FAMILY TENSION ` ALWAYS GOOD FOR A LITTLE SNOW FIGHT! ALL YELP, SHOUT THIS IS VERY VERY CHILDISH! ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. (LAUGHS) SCREAMING WHOA! WHOA! NICE SHOT! WHOA! (LAUGHS) SORRY! IT WAS AN OPEN TARGET! OH! ALL LAUGH, SHOUT FUN ORCHESTRAL MUSIC INCOMING! OH! OH! (YELPS) AARGH! DRAMATIC MUSIC SPLASH! OH! NO. (GROANS, SPITS) CHUCKLES: GRANDMA, YOU GOT PINE NEEDLES ON YOUR FACE. (GROANS) (GIGGLES) (SIGHS) FRANK, JUDY, I AM SO SORRY. WE WERE HAVING A SNOWBALL FIGHT. AH, DON'T WORRY. DON'T WORRY, HON. MOM AND DAD KNOW IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. YEAH, LIKE THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION (!) JUDY, LET'S HEAD HOME WHILE IT'S STILL LIGHT. YEAH. WHOA, BEFORE YOU HIT THE ROAD, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A HOT TODDY TO GET THE JUICES GOING. YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS, JUDY. OH, YOU DON'T MIND IF I CALL YOU JUDY, DO YOU? (CHUCKLES) WHO IS THIS CHARACTER? UH, THIS IS OWEN. HE'S A DEAR FRIEND OF OURS, AND HE'LL BE SPENDING THE HOLIDAYS WITH US. MM, WHAT IS THAT? MADE FROM AN OLD FAMILY RECIPE ` HELPS SMOOTH OUT THE ROUGH EDGES. SO COLD CAR OR WARM DRINK? (CHUCKLES) OH! I SAW BY YOUR BUMPER STICKER, FRANK, THAT YOU'RE A SEAHAWK FAN. DO YOU HAPPEN TO REMEMBER THE FORMER DEFENSIVE END THAT WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS DAY? MARCUS TRUFANT. BOY, THIS GUY REALLY KNOWS HIS SPORTS TRIVIA. WELL, JUDY, STAYING OR GOING? DOOR BELL CHIMES HI! AH, PEGGY! MAYA, IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU. OH, YOU TOO. LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE FINALLY MOVIN' UP IN THE WORLD, LITTLE SIS. I'M OLDER THAN YOU. I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. I ALWAYS WILL BE. (CHUCKLES QUIETLY) HI! HI, SWEETIE. JUDY, GOOD TO SEE YOU. PEGGY, AH. YOU LOOK WONDERFUL. OH! THANK YOU. HOW MANY MARATHONS DID YOU RUN THIS YEAR? OH, FIVE, BUT WITH ALL THE CHARITY WORK I DO AT THE CHURCH, I HAD TO MISS THE SIXTH. OH, HOW DOES SHE DO IT? I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE IT'S THE SIX-DIGIT ALIMONY CHEQUE SHE GETS EVERY MONTH. (CHUCKLES) DOOR BELL RINGS BATHROOM EXPRESS... COMIN' THROUGH! HI, MOM. THIS TRAIN HAS STOPPED AT TOILET STATION. OH, SWEETIE PIE. MWAH! THIS HOUSE IS HUGE! QUIETLY: THEY CERTAINLY DIDN'T SPLURGE ON THE DECOR. OK, I SKIMP ON ONE ANNIVERSARY GIFT FOR YOUR PARENTS, AND I'M THE CHEAPSKATE OF THE FAMILY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! HEY, JIMMY! JACKIE BOY! (LAUGHS) YOU SON OF A GUN. HOW ARE YA, DOG? (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GROANS) HOW YOU DOIN'? YOU KNOW, I JUST GOT LAID OFF FROM THE CALL CENTRE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? OUTSOURCED TO INDIA. HOW'S THAT FOR GRATITUDE, HUH? MAYA, WHERE'S YOUR SISTER? THERE SHE IS. PEGGY, HOW ARE YA? GOOD TO SEE YA. FRANK, JUDY, HAPPY HOLIDAYS. OH, SAME TO YOU. MERRY CHRISTMAS. OH, THAT'S AN INTERESTING SCARF. VERSACE (?) HORS D'OEUVRES, ANYONE? WHISPERS: MAYA'S GOT HER GUESTS SERVING. OH, YOU RELAX, OWEN. I'LL DO THAT. OH, NO, NO, NO. I INSIST. NO, NO, OWEN, I'LL DO IT. I'LL DO IT. OWEN. I'LL DO IT, OWEN. NO, I INSIST. STRAINS: OWEN! (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) WELL, LET'S HOPE HER PARENTING HAS IMPROVED MORE THAN HER MANNERS. (SQUEAKS) OH, LOOK! THERE'S OUR SWEET LITTLE STEFFIE. OH, STEFFIE. DON'T YOU LOOK LIKE A LITTLE PRINCESS IN YOUR PRETTY PLAID DRESS, ALL RED AND PURPLE? AND YOUR CROWN. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF? QUIRKY MUSIC SOMEDAY, EVERYONE HERE IS GONNA DIE. YOU,... YOU, AND, YEAH, YOU. AWKWARD MUSIC WHO WANTS TO MAKE SNOW ANGELS? LOVIN' THE NEW OFFICE. OH, YOUR PARENTS ` I THINK THEY WISH YOU'D MARRIED SUPERWOMAN. I THOUGHT I DID. LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT MY PARENTS... (WHISPERS) AND RELAX? YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL THIS YEAR. WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? UH, WELL, YOU KNOW, WE HIRED OWEN TO MAKE LIFE EASIER, SO LET'S LET HIM MAKE LIFE EASIER. RIGHT, WELL, AT LEAST OWEN HAS EVERYONE DISTRACTED. OH, DID YOU SEE THE LOOK ON MY MOTHER'S FACE WHEN STEFFIE SAID THAT? YEAH, I KNOW. WHAT IS WITH THAT GIRL? I DON'T KNOW. EVER SINCE WE MOVED HERE, SHE'S BEEN LIVING IN SOME KIND OF FANTASY WORLD. (SIGHS) OK, I HAVE A CONFERENCE CALL WHICH STARTS IN` YELPS: OH! FIVE MINUTES AGO! DAVID: HEY, MOM! A TRUCK JUST DUMPED A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS AT THE DRIVEWAY! OWEN: WHOO-HOO! EVERYONE OUT FRONT! IT'S DECORATING TIME! OK, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE! BEEP! RECEPTIONIST: NADINE, YOU HAVE A CALL FROM MAYA. OH, OH, I NEED THIS. (SIGHS) HI, NADINE. I'M SO SORRY I MISSED THE CALL. I'M GETTING THE DISTINCT IMPRESSION THAT YOUR FAMILY IS YOUR ONLY PRIORITY NOW. WOULD SOMEBODY TURN THAT RACKET DOWN? IT SOUNDS LIKE AN ORCA'S PASSING A KIDNEY STONE. I'LL GET IT. RIGHT AWAY. (SIGHS) NOW, MAYA, AM I GOING TO REGRET BRINGING YOU ON, OR ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE THIS CLIENT THE ATTENTION HE NEEDS? NO. I MEAN, YES! NO, NO, NO, YES, OF COURSE. I MEAN, NO, I'M ON TOP OF IT. COULD YOU JUST TELL ME, UM, WHAT I MISSED? COULD YOU FILL ME IN? (MOUTHS) MAYA, JUST PAY MORE ATTENTION... HEY, ANNA. (SCREAMS) DAVID! OK, CHRISTMAS ACTIVITY NUMBER ONE. HERE'S THE DRILL. WE ALL FOLLOW THIS BLUEPRINT. WE WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE THE BEST DECORATIONS EVER! (SCREAMS) YEAH, I THINK I'D RATHER HAVE A BREWSKI. WHAT, IN THESE SHOES? YOU TWO ARE ON REINDEER DUTY. I'M NOT WORKIN' WITH HER. SALLY, COME ON. YOU HAVE AN AMAZING SENSE OF COLOUR. AND JUDY, YOU ARE ULTRA-ORGANISED. I'VE SEEN YOUR LUGGAGE. BOTH CHUCKLE SPLASH! (GASPS) DAVID, WHAT THE HECK?! OH, NOW, KIDS, CUT IT OUT. (SCREAMS) DAVID! AND YOU TWO ARE RIGGING A SNOWMAN. I'M NOT WORKING WITH HIM. YOU MAY NOT REALISE IT BY NOW, BUT YOU ARE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE EACH OTHER, SO YOU ARE RIGGING A SNOWMAN, OR YOU'LL SPEND THE REST OF THE DAY LOCKED OUTSIDE! YOU CAN'T DO THAT. YOUR PARENTS HAVE GRANTED ME SWEEPING POWERS THAT MAKE GUANTANAMO BAY LOOK LIKE DISNEYLAND! GOT IT?! (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) COME ON, LET'S GO. EVERYBODY, GRAB SOME GARLANDS. GRAB SOME LIGHTS. GRAB A SCREWDRIVER. GRAB A CANDY CANE. LET'S GET GOING HERE. OVERLAPPING VOICES OK, FOLKS, LOOKING GOOD! LOOKING GOOD! JIMBO, JIMBO, JIMBO. THIS IS THE NORTH POLE. YOU ARE HEADING SOUTH. PUT IT UP OVER THERE! FRANK, SECURE THAT FIGURINE. JACK, HELP HIM OUT. OK, PEOPLE, LET'S GO! LET'S GO, LET'S GO. DOUBLE TIME, DOUBLE TIME. I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER HERE. COME ON! HOP TWO, HOP TWO. LADIES, LADIES, THOSE REINDEER ARE WAY TOO CLOSE TO EACH OTHER. THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PULLING A SLEIGH, NOT SMELLING EACH OTHER'S HEINIES! AND, UM, RUDOLPH'S SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE FRONT. DAVID! YOU, CONCENTRATE ON THE SNOWMAN! AND WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS, YOGA CLASS? WE ARE NOT PRAYING. WE ARE DECORATING! DECORATING! LET'S GO, FOLKS, LET'S GO! (WHISTLES CHEERFULLY) OK, OK, EVERYONE, JUST TURN AROUND. NO PEEKING. NO LOOKING. NO LOOKING. NO LOOKING. NO LOOKING. OK, NOW,... YOU ALL DID A TERRIFIC JOB. ON THREE, I WANT YOU TO TURN AROUND, AND YOU WILL SEE WHAT THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT IS REALLY LIKE. ONE, TWO, THREE! GLORIOUS MUSIC WHOA. OH. (CHUCKLES) WOW. (CHUCKLES) PRETTY FREAKIN' SWEET. THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN LAST YEAR, OWEN. HEY, NOT BAD FOR TWO OLD BROADS. (CHUCKLES) CHRISTMAS BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHER. OH, YEAH. OK, I'M HERE. WHAT DID I MISS? OH, YOU'RE ALREADY DONE? HOW IN THE HECK YOU COME UP WITH SOMETHIN' LIKE THIS? EVERY CHRISTMAS MORNING, MY WIFE AND I WOULD GO DOWN TO THE DEPARTMENT STORES AND LOOK IN THE WINDOWS AT THE AMAZING CHRISTMAS DISPLAYS. THIS IS JUST MY WAY OF TRYING TO RECREATE THAT CHRISTMAS FEELING. AW. WE STILL GO. IT'S OUR FAVOURITE PART OF CHRISTMAS. MM. SALLY: HOW SWEET. WELL, I WANTED TO HELP WITH SOME OF THE DECORATIONS. I MEAN, FIRST OF ALL, THE LIGHTS ARE... ADEQUATE. AND THERE ISN'T EVEN A WREATH ON THE DOOR. HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? (CACKLES PLAYFULLY) MOM, WE'RE DONE. WHO WANTS TO PLAY 'PIN THE TAIL ON THE REINDEER'? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. PIN THE TAIL ON THE REINDEER! COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SWEATER? I BORROWED IT FROM OWEN. IT'S SNUGGLY. ET TU, JACK. OH, COME ON, MAYA. TINKLY MUSIC ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? FINE, OWEN. I'M FINE. I'M GONNA TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN. BOTH CHUCKLE I'M NOT FROWNING. RACE YOU TO THE DOOR. OK! COME ON. YOU WIN. WARM ORCHESTRAL MUSIC # You make me... # You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You need data ` for dating sites, like Honey Badger. (LAUGHS) You do have a girlfriend. You need less data and more calls ` lovey-dovey calls. # You make me... # You don't have a girlfriend again. She won't return your calls. You need more text. Things change. Now your Prepay can too. Get more of what you need and less of what you don't with Vodafone My Flex Prepay. SOFT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC YOU MISSED DESSERT. YOU HUNGRY? OH, NO, THANKS. I LOVE THIS PICTURE. LOOK AT THIS. (CHUCKLES) LOOK, ANNA'S ACTUALLY SMILING. YOU KNOW, I WANNA ENJOY CHRISTMAS TOO. I WANNA HAVE SOME FUN. I DON'T WANNA BE STUCK IN HERE, WORKING. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REALISE IT, BUT EVERYONE WANTS THAT FOR YA. PHONE RINGS WONDER WHO IT'LL BE? OH, GUESS WHO? AH, I'M OUTTA HERE. HI, NADINE. NADINE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. GREAT IDEA. (MOUTHS) MM-HM. RELAXED ORCHESTRAL MUSIC (CHUCKLES) GOOD MORNING, FLETCHER FAMILY! ONLY A FEW DAYS LEFT TO CHRISTMAS, SO TODAY, I'LL BE HELPING EACH ONE OF YOU FIND THE PERFECT GIFT FOR EACH OTHER. UM, OWEN? WHY DO YOU NEED TO BE ON TV WHEN WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM? RESEARCH SHOWS THAT CHILDREN PAY 93% MORE ATTENTION TO ANYTHING THEY SEE ON TELEVISION. BESIDES, I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D MAKE A GOOD ANCHORMAN. THIS JUST IN! WHERE'S THE REST OF THE MENAGERIE? OH, I SENT JACK AND THE ENTIRE GANG ON AN EGGNOG CRAWL. THEY WON'T BE BACK TILL 5, SO YOU'RE IN LUCK, BECAUSE TODAY, WE START PICKING OUT THE PRESENTS. NOW, THAT MEANS YOU START GETTING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR SECRET SANTA, YOUR REPRESSED REINDEER, YOUR INNER ELF. (CHUCKLES) MY INNER ELF NEEDS TO KEEP HER JOB AT THE WORKSHOP, OR IT'S GONNA BE A COLD, COLD WINTER. OWEN, YOU'RE PICKING OUT OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. SANTA'S SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE WHAT WE GET. YES, CHRISTMAS GIANT. STEFFIE, SANTA IS SUCH A BUSY FELLOW THAT SOMETIMES, EVEN HE NEEDS A LITTLE HELP. HMM. AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE ALL GET BUSY, SO SOMETIMES, WE ALL NEED A LITTLE HELP. OK, ELVES, WE'RE HEADED OUT. WE'VE MADE OUR LIST. WE CHECKED IT TWICE. WE KNOW WHO'S NAUGHTY OR NICE, SO LET'S GO! STAY HYDRATED. STAY FOCUSED. WORK TOGETHER AND WE WIN! (WHISTLES CHEERFULLY) COME ON, MOM. (SQUIRMS) (CONTINUES WHISTLING) I'M JINGLING. HUBBUB FESTIVE MUSIC MAYA, I AM SO GLAD WE HAVE THIS ALONE TIME TOGETHER. NOW, YOUR JOB IS TO RELAX, SO I'M GOING TO HANG ON TO THIS UNTIL WE FIND OUT WHAT THE PERFECT GIFT IS FOR JACK. OWEN, YOU'RE TOO MUCH. NOW, I NEED A LITTLE BACKGROUND INFORMATION. HOW DID YOU TWO MEET? SOPHOMORE YEAR, I HELPED HIM PASS ECONOMICS, AND HE HELPED ME ALMOST FAIL BALLROOM DANCING, AND WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER EVER SINCE. AW. SO WHAT DID YOU GET HIM LAST YEAR THAT MADE HIM FEEL SO SPECIAL? A SHOE TREE. A WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? HIS CLOSET WAS A TOTAL DISASTER ZONE. WELL, DON'T GO GRINCH ON ME HERE. I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE GOING TO GET JACK DANCING LESSONS THIS YEAR FOR THE TWO OF YOU. YOU TWO DESERVE TO KICK UP YOUR HEELS! WELL, MARRIED LIFE WITH THREE KIDS ISN'T ALWAYS A CAKEWALK. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 4-YEAR-OLD SAMMY AND 2-YEAR-OLD ROXY. NOTHING BEATS HAVING A FAMILY, HUH? HI, MOM. WE'RE DONE, MOM. HEY! LOOKS LIKE WE'RE ALMOST DONE WITH SHOPPING, HUH? YEAH. GREAT. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET GOIN'. LOOK, DAVID. BOXING GLOVES. MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO USE THOSE ON PATRICK. WHO'S PATRICK? THE BULLY FROM NEXT DOOR. HE STOLE DAVID'S SLED LAST WEEK. PATRICK STOLE YOUR SLED? HONEY, YOU LOVE THAT SLED. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? LOOK, MOM, WHEN YOU GET BUSY, YOU'RE NOT THAT EASY TO TALK TO, OK? I'M PLENTY EASY TO TALK TO. MOM, YOU'RE, LIKE, SCREAMING. I AM NOT SCREAMING. MOM, YOU'RE... BOY: 'SCUSE ME. ...YELLING AT, LIKE, A MILLION DECIBELS. OH, MAYA, THAT'S THE BOY THAT SHE LIKES. YES, I KNOW. FRED. CHAD, MOM. HIS NAME IS CHAD. OH, OK, ALL RIGHT. HI, CHAD! AWKWARD MUSIC MOM! CELL PHONE RINGS MERRILY OH, UH, EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS, AN ANGEL GETS ITS WINGS. WELL, EVERY TIME THAT PHONE RINGS, I GET A STOMACH ACHE, SO` NO, NO. NO. OWEN. NO, I'M DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. THIS IS POSSIBLY THE GREATEST HUMILIATION... GIVE ME MY PHONE! ...ONE INDIVIDUAL HAS EVER SUFFERED. # JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS. OH GREAT (!) SO NOW I'M THE WORLD'S WORST MOTHER! CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY...? # JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY. GIVE ME MY PHONE! I REPROGRAMMED THE RINGER. (CHUCKLES) OH GREAT (!) WHAT? SOMEONE LEAKED ABOUT THE MERGER. NADINE'S CALLED A TELECONFERENCE. ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOTTA GO. STUPID GARLAND. STUPID TELECONFERENCE. WHO SNIPPED SNOWFLAKES OUT OF MY MARKETING PLAN? MAYA, DARLING, WE CAN SEE YOU. HELLO. SO GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE FINALLY WITH US. WELL, MY DEARS, WE'RE IN CRISIS MODE. NOW THAT WORD HAS LEAKED, IT IS TIME THAT WE FINALISE THIS DEAL BEFORE THE PARK AVENUE PIRANHAS COME SWARMING IN AND OUTBID US. NOW, I'M HOPPING ON A PLANE TO ASPEN TO MEET WITH BORIS TO KEEP HIM UNDER WRAPS. DO YOU THINK THAT'S ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY? I THINK THE KEY AT THIS POINT IS TO PROJECT FOCUS, STABILITY. TA-DA! SCREECHES: I AM ON... THE PHONE! THE WOLVES ARE CIRCLING AND YOU'RE PLAYING DRESS-UP?! GET OUT! OOPS. SORRY. I NEED YOUR TOTAL FOCUS HERE. OK. YOUR MARKETING PLAN NEEDS TO BE IN TARTAKOV'S HANDS YESTERDAY IF HE'S GONNA SIGN THAT CONTRACT AT YOUR PARTY CHRISTMAS EVE AND HAVE THIS ACQUISITION GO THROUGH. ABSOLUTELY. I'M ON TOP OF IT. YOU CAN REST ASSURED WITH TOTAL CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING... ...AND EVERYTHING... NO! DID SHE JUST HANG UP ON ME? DID SHE?! OWEN! (GROANS) WHO KNEW YOU COULDN'T PLUG 14 EXTENSIONS INTO ONE OUTLET? SORRY. MAYA, YOU'RE ON MY YARN. AND I COULD USE A REFILL. I'M DRINKING CHABLIS, DEAR. AND DID YOU KNOW THAT OWEN HAS DONE YOUR BAKING FOR YOU? DO YOU WANT BREADMAKER MAYA OR BREADWINNER MAYA? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET THE BOTH OF ME AT THE SAME TIME. CANDY CANE MARTINIS COMIN' DOWN THE CHIMNEY. OOH! FRUIT CAKES ARE IN THE OVEN. YOU GOT IT. WHOO-HOO! CHEERS. CHEERS. I NEED SOMEWHERE QUIET TO WORK. IS ANYBODY IN THE BEDROOM? I THINK YOUR SISTER'S DOING YOGA IN THE BEDROOM. OH, YEAH, YOU DON'T GET A BUTT THAT TIGHT WITHOUT A LITTLE EFFORT. (LAUGHS) HE'S JUST COMPLIMENTING YOUR GENES, HONEY. MORE LIKE HER JEANS! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) I NEED SOMEWHERE TO WORK. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, GO TO THE CAR? OH, NO, 'FRAID NOT. I SENT YOUR KID OUT ON A BEER RUN. ANNA? SHE'S 15! (SNIGGERS) SHE'S GOT A LEARNER'S PERMIT. AND NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE! OH, SORRY. (CHUCKLES) TYRES SCREECH ` CRASH! THAT'S PROBABLY HER NOW. (CHUCKLES) ALARM BLARES, FLAMES WHOOSH SQUEALS: OW! OH, OH, OH! OOH, OOH, OOH. (YELPS FRANTICALLY) HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! OUT OF THE WAY! OUT OF THE WAY! EXTINGUISHER HISSES I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT IT! (WAILS) OH, IT'S OK. IT'S OK. I'M ALL RIGHT. (COUGHS) MAYA LOOKS OK TOO. MY SALES PROJECTIONS! HOLIDAY MELTDOWN, AISLE TWO. HONEY... ALL RIGHT. I'VE SEEN THIS HAPPEN BEFORE. NO ONE PANIC. NO ONE PANIC. TRY TO RELAX. I THINK WE NEED A SANTA-VENTION. I AM GOING TO SHOVE YOUR PARTRIDGE RIGHT UP YOUR PEAR TREE. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE A LITTLE TIME ALONE. FRANK! PEGGY! SALLY! JUDY! GUESS WHAT? I'VE GOT YOU TICKETS TO THE NUTCRACKER! AND FOR YOU, COUPONS TO THE NORTH POLE. THE STRIP CLUB ON ROUTE 80? KIDS, WE'RE GOING CAROLLING! GREAT! (CHUCKLES) (SOBS) AND NOW I GET TO HUMILIATE MYSELF IN FRONT OF THE NEIGHBOURS. HA! GREAT (!) UNTIL YOU'VE TRIED CHRISTMAS CAROLLING, YOU'VE NOT FULLY EMBRACED THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. EVERYONE GO TO PAGE ONE IN THEIR SONGBOOKS. AND THE FIRST PLACE WE'RE HEADING IS THE LOWENSTEIN'S. UH, YOU THINK THE LOWENSTEINS MIGHT WANT SOMETHING OTHER THAN JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR? LOWENSTEINS, JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR. THAT'S GOOD USE OF YOUR HOLIDAY NOGGIN. UM, HOW ABOUT THE DREIDEL SONG? (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) BOY: FLETCHERS CAROLLING? PLEASE. UGH, IT'S THE HASTINGS. LET'S GO HOME. WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID OF A LITTLE COMPETITION? BREAK FOR THE MILLERS'! COME ON! BELLS JINGLE HURRY UP! HURRY UP! ANNA, GET THE DOORBELL! GET THE DOORBELL! OK, OK. DOORBELL RINGS LINE UP, LINE UP. LOOK SWEET. LOOK SWEET. SMILE, SMILE. AND, OK, 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS. ONE, TWO, THREE. # OH, COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL... # ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME # A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE. # ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME # TWO TURTLE DOVES AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE. WOMAN: HENRY? # THIRD DAY OF` # ...CHRISTMAS, MY` CAN WE GO HOME NOW? PLEASE? JUST LIKE THAT?! DID WASHINGTON WANNA GO HOME AT VALLEY FORGE? DID MACARTHUR WANNA GO HOME TO MANILA? WELL, ACTUALLY, HE DID, BUT` BUT DID HE STAY? DID HE? DID HE? DID HE? I'M GONNA GUESS NO. COME ON, NOW. WHO WILL STAY WITH ME IN HONOUR OF DEFENDING THE FLETCHER FAMILY PRIDE? WHO? WHO? WHO? I WILL! THANK YOU, STEFFIE. NOW LOOK AT ME. AREN'T YOU ALL SHAMED BY THE SPIRIT OF THIS LITTLE 6-YEAR-OLD? WHISPERS: NOT REALLY. OK. WHO ELSE IS WILLING TO SING IN THE HOLIDAYS WITH ME AND KICK THE HASTINGS' SORRY LITTLE BUTTS? WHO? WHO? WHO? KICK OUR BUTTS? ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU GUYS SOUND LIKE A BUNCH OF DYING CATS! (CHUCKLES) OH, UH, WELL, WE LOVE CATS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE DYING. (SIGHS MOCKINGLY) YEAH. YOU SUCK. I'M IN. YOU KNOW WHAT? ME TOO. LET'S DO THIS. GOOD KING WENCESLAS ` ONE, TWO, THREE. # GOOD KING WENCESLAS LOOKED OUT ON THE FEAST OF STEPHEN # WHEN THE SNOW LAY ROUND ABOUT, DEEP AND CRISP AND EVEN. # GOD REST YE MERRY, GENTLEMEN... # WHEN A POOR MAN CAME IN SIGHT,... # ...REMEMBER CHRIST, OUR SAVIOUR... JOY TO THE WORLD! # JOY TO THE WORLD! THE LORD HAS COME. LET EARTH RECEIVE... # ...WHEN WE WERE GONE ASTRAY. # AND HEAVEN AND NATURE SING. ALWAYS BE PREPARED ` THE SECRET OF CHRISTMAS. CAROLLING CONTINUES # DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY. FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA, LA, LA, LA. SILENT NIGHT. ECHOES LOUDLY: # SILENT NIGHT, # HOLY NIGHT. OPERATICALLY: # ALL IS CALM. # ALL IS BRIGHT. # ROUND YON VIRGIN, # MOTHER AND CHILD. # HOLY INFANT, # SO TENDER AND MILD. # SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE. HERE WE GO! # SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE. # SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE. # NOTE SUSTAINS RUMBLING ECHOES: WHOA! WHAT THE?! MERRY CHRISTMAS, HASTINGS! (CHUCKLES) ALARM BLARES ALARM STOPS (YELPS) OH. WELL, HONEY, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT INSURANCE IS FOR. SOMEHOW I DON'T THINK AGGRESSIVE CAROLLING IS COVERED. SORRY ABOUT THAT. BUT WHAT'S A LITTLE COLLATERAL DAMAGE IN THE BATTLE FOR HOLIDAY FUN? (LAUGHS) DID YOU HEAR US? YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT DAVID AND ANNA CAROLLING. I MEAN, THAT'S SOMETHING I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE. ARE YOU TWO READY FOR YOUR SPECIAL TREAT? NO, I CAN'T. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DOWNLOAD THE MARKETING DATA, BUT SOMEONE MAXED OUT THE WIRELESS ` STREAMING EVERY CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER MADE! WELL, NOW YOU GOT SOME FREE TIME. I MEAN, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'D BE MORE PRODUCTIVE IF YOU TAKE A BREATHER, SPEND SOME TIME HERE WITH YOUR, UH, (CLICKS TONGUE) SPECIAL FELLA? (LAUGHS) WHADDAYA SAY, MAYA? WHADDAYA SAY? YOU KNOW WHAT? YES. I'M NOT GONNA MISS CHRISTMAS JUST BECAUSE OF ALL THIS. GOOD. I WONDER WHAT THE DEMENTED ELF HAS IN STORE FOR US? (CHUCKLES) TINKLY MUSIC (CHUCKLES) WHAT IS THIS? CLICK! GET READY FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE. ALL ABOARD FOR THE ROMANTIC MOUNTAIN SLEIGH RIDE. OH, THIS IS INTERESTING. COME ON. (CHUCKLES) OH, JUST GIVE ME A MOMENT, WILL YA? AND... VOILA. (CHUCKLES) WOW. (CHUCKLES) WOW, OWEN. WHAT'S CHRISTMAS WITHOUT A LITTLE SNUGGLE TIME? OWEN, I HAVE TO ADMIT ` THIS IS REALLY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU. PROPOSED TO MY MISSUS ON A CHRISTMAS SLEIGH RIDE, I DID. PRETTY MAGICAL, HUH? 'SILENT NIGHT' INSTRUMENTAL LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S GETTING ALONG. RAPID DRUM BEATS PLAY OH! OOPS! AAH! ALOHA! (CHUCKLES) SORRY, WRONG BUTTON. (CHUCKLES) OWEN CHUCKLES I HOPE THE KIDS ARE NOT RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE WILD RIGHT NOW. OH, SHH. RELAX. WRANGLING KIDS IS LIKE DRIVING REINDEER. YOU JUST GOTTA LET OFF THE REINS A LITTLE. MM. SORRY THINGS HAVE BEEN CRAZY LATELY. NO, I'M SORRY. I'M JUST GLAD WE HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO UNWIND A LITTLE. (SIGHS HAPPILY) WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALMOST THROUGH IT. I DON'T WANNA GET THROUGH CHRISTMAS; I WANNA ENJOY IT. OK, SO LET'S ENJOY IT. ALL RIGHT. OWEN, GIVE ME THE BLANKET. THANK YOU, SIR. YOU'RE WELCOME. ENJOY. (PLAYS CONCERTINA) # ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME # A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE. # ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME... DO YOU REMEMBER OUR FIRST DATE? WE WENT ICE SKATING. YEAH. I SEEM TO REMEMBER YOU COMPLETELY FLAT ON THE ICE. OH, EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO COULDN'T SKATE. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS FALLING DOWN AND DRAGGING ME DOWN WITH YOU. YEAH! AND THEN I MADE YOU PICK ME UP. MY LITTLE PLAN WORKED. (CHUCKLES) WE'RE STILL TOGETHER, AREN'T WE? OH, THAT SEEMS LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO. EVERYTHING WAS SO UNCOMPLICATED THEN. I DON'T THINK IT WAS THAT LONG AGO. YOU KNOW, I STILL HAVE A FEW MOVES. OH, YEAH? OH, YEAH. LIKE WHAT? LIKE... (CONTINUES SINGING) OH, WHAT'S THIS ON YOUR CHEEK? OH, IT'S A... A LITTLE EYELASH? OH! OH! CELL PHONE RINGS # SOMEONE BROUGHT A CELL PHONE. # THAT'S A VIOLATION OF THE GENEVA CONVENTION # ON ROMANTIC SLEIGH RIDES. # I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. YOU KNOW, SICK HORSE, FLAT TYRE. MY DEAL IS FALLING APART RIGHT NOW, AS WE SPEAK. I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD JUST, YOU KNOW, DECOMPRESS FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES. I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME TO DECOMPRESS. CELL PHONE RINGS (SIGHS) HI, JANIE. CONFIRMED ` THEY PICKED UP THE STORY. OH, THEY DID? YES. WE GOTTA ACT FAST ON THIS. OK, I WILL. PHONE BEEPS WOMENSWEAR DAILY PICKED UP A STORY ABOUT THE ACQUISITION, AND NOW I HAVE TO WRITE A PRESS RELEASE ASAP. OK, I GUESS WE CAN CALL IT A NIGHT. WELL, THAT'S FINE. WE GOTTA SET UP FOR THE PAGEANT AUDITIONS ANYWAY. GREAT (!) YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED. WELL, I LIKE TO DISAPPOINT AT LEAST ONE PERSON IN MY LIFE EVERY DAY (!) THAT'S MY LIFE. (SIGHS) I KNOW HOW HARD YOU'RE WORKING RIGHT NOW, BUT WE HIRED OWEN TO MAKE THINGS EASY. FRANKLY, MAYA, WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOU. COULDN'T WE PRETEND THERE'S A LITTLE DIVIDER HERE, LIKE IN A TAXICAB? (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) QUIRKY MUSIC CLICK! OH, SORRY. (CHUCKLES) HEY, UH, YOU GUYS GOT ANY BEER IN HERE? TINKLY MUSIC SINGS BADLY: # THE FIRST NOEL, # THE ANGELS DID SAY, I'M REALLY SORRY. GOT A BIG DAY. YEAH, ME TOO. YEAH, I GOTTA GO. I WONDER IF IT'S TOO LATE TO SLIP NEXT DOOR FOR A KWANZAA. # ...LAY EATING HAY... THINGS A LITTLE ROCKY ON THE HOME FRONT? LET ME GIVE YOU A PIECE OF FREE ADVICE, MAYA. COMMUNICATION. THANK YOU, DR PILL (!) OH! HEY, I CAN RECOMMEND A GREAT THERAPIST ` GOES BY THE NAME OF DR JACK DANIELS. BOTH CHUCKLE YOU CAN TELL HIM ANYTHING. THANK YOU BOTH SO MUCH, BUT EVERYTHING IS GREAT. WELL, NOT EVERYTHING. # BORN IS THE KING # OF ISRAEL. # UH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THAT'S FINE. WELL, JUDY, UH, YOUR DELIVERY WAS A LITTLE TIRED. YOUR MUSICALITY WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE. I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T LIKE IT. I LOVED IT! YOU'RE IN! (LAUGHS) I'M IN?! FRANK, I'M IN THE PAGEANT! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO BE OUT? I'M IN! I'M IN! YEAH. DON'T WORRY, MAYA. YOU'RE NOT LEFT OUT OF THE PAGEANT, AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO AUDITION. I HAVE THE PERFECT PART FOR YOU. (MOUTHS) ALL RIGHT! PLACES, EVERYONE! NOW, WHEN WE PERFORM AT THE CHRISTMAS EVE PARTY, I WANT TO BRING THE HOUSE DOWN. FOR THE RECORD, I DON'T REMEMBER THERE BEING ANY REINDEER IN THE MANGER. WE ALL HAVE OUR VISIONS. (SIGHS) OK. CONCENTRATE. GET READY. AND... ACTION. THAT NIGHT, IN THE FIELDS,... CELL PHONE CHIMES ...SHEPHERDS WERE GUARDING THEIR SHEEP. ALL AT ONCE, AN ANGEL CAME DOWN TO THEM. I, UM... YES? ESMERELDA WANTS TO GO TO HER MAGICAL PALACE. SHE LIKES IT BETTER THERE. WELL, THAT'S OK, STEFFIE. MAYBE YOU CAN GO TO YOUR PALACE AND WORK ON YOUR LINES WITH YOUR MOM. MOM'S TOO BUSY. NO, SWEETHEART. MOMMY CAN HELP YOU. THAT'S OK. OWEN WILL TEACH ME. I'D LOVE TO. OK, THAT'S LUNCH BREAK. I'M CALLIN' IN FOR SOME PIZZA, SO THAT GIVES US TIME TO THINK ABOUT OUR CHARACTERS AND MOTIVATION. CURIOUS MUSIC HONEY, ARE YOU STILL UPSET ABOUT BRAD? CHAD, MOM. IT'S CHAD. SWEETHEART, ONE DAY, MAYBE A LONG, LONG TIME IN THE FUTURE, YOU ARE GONNA MEET A GREAT GUY. A LONG, LONG TIME. ARE YOU TRYING TO UTTERLY DESTROY MY SELF-ESTEEM? NO, HONEY. WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS... PHONE RINGS JUST ONE SEC. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. YES, NADINE? GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW. ANNA, IN 'A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS', DOES LUCY EVER GIVE UP HER PURSUIT OF SCHROEDER, EVEN WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN? OF COURSE NOT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S AROUND THE CORNER. DOORBELL RINGS OH, THAT MUST BE THE PIZZA I ORDERED. ANNA, WHY DON'T YOU GET THE DOOR? OK. SOFT MUSIC TINKLY MUSIC HEY. UH, HI. YOU ORDER A COUPLE OF PIZZAS? I, UM` YES, YES, COME IN. I'LL TAKE THOSE. UH, THAT'S $34. THE MONEY IS IN AN ENVELOPE IN THE TOP DRAWER. ONE SECOND. THIS DRAWER IS A MESS. YOU'RE IN MY SPANISH CLASS. ANNA, (SPEAKS SPANISH)? SI, SI. (CHUCKLES) OH, ME GUSTA TU CASA. GRACIAS. (CHUCKLES) HEY, WHAT'S GOIN' ON? UH,... HERE YOU GO. (CHUCKLES) CURIOUS MUSIC UH, HEY, THERE'S TWO THUNDERBIRDS TICKETS IN HERE. OH, YEAH, RIGHT. THAT'S YOUR TIP ` UH, FRONT-ROW SEATS TO NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT'S HOCKEY GAME, COMPLIMENTS OF JACK AND MAYA HERE. ARE YOU KIDDING? THANKS, FLETCHERS. I LOVE HOCKEY. ME TOO. (CHUCKLES) OH, WELL, UH, WANNA GO WITH ME? I, UM,... (CHUCKLES) MUCHAS GRACIAS. (CHUCKLES) DE NADA. SEE YOU SATURDAY. (SQUEALS) THANK YOU! THANK YOU! (LAUGHS) OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! WELL, THAT'S ABOUT AS PERFECT A CHRISTMAS GIFT AS I'VE EVER SEEN. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOLED UP IN HERE? MAKING FRUIT CAKES. AT LEAST I KNOW I'M GOOD AT ONE THING. OWEN'S ARE HARD AS A ROCK! WASN'T THAT SOMETHING THAT JUST HAPPENED? I MEAN, ANNA'S SO HAPPY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SCRAPE HER OFF THE CEILING. YEAH, BUT I'M GETTING A LITTLE TIRED OF ALL OF HIS GRANDSTANDING. HON, THAT'S WHY WE HIRED HIM. RIGHT? I THINK IT WAS A PRETTY CLASSY THING HE DID, GIVING US CREDIT FOR THE TICKETS. GRANDSTANDING. GRANDSTANDING. OH BOY. BIG FAT GRANDSTANDER. YOU'RE TOO GRUMPY. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE GONNA GO IN AND ENJOY YOUR FAMILY. GO ON. HAVE A DRINK. RELAX. I'M GONNA CLEAN UP IN HERE. GO ON. WHEE! ANYONE LIKE A CANDY CANE MARTINI OR SOME SOFT, FRESH FRUIT CAKE? YOU HAD ME AT 'WANT'. (CHUCKLES) DOOR CLOSES DAVID, WHAT'S WRONG? NOTHING. HONEY. PATRICK O'LEARY TOOK MY SLED AGAIN. YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD TELL ME IF THIS KEPT HAPPENING. MAYBE I CAN HELP IN THIS SITUATION. I'M HIS MOTHER. I CAN HANDLE THIS. CURIOUS MUSIC (SIGHS) CAN'T STAY INSIDE ALL DAY, KID. IT'S NO USE. NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE. THAT GUY IS A CLASSIC BULLY TWICE MY SIZE. DO YOU REMEMBER, IN THE NUTCRACKER, THE TOY SOLDIER CHALLENGES THE MOUSE KING TO A DUEL, EVEN THOUGH THE TOY SOLDIER IS WAY SMALLER? I MEAN, COME ON! YOU'RE INVENTIVE, RIGHT? MADE THAT DECOY. I GUESS SO. I SAY IT'S TIME... WE GO ON THE OFFENSIVE. (DRILL WHIRRS) (CHUCKLES) ARE YOU PATRICK? DEPENDS. THIS SLED SAYS DAVID. THIS IS AN ICE SLED MY FOLKS GOT. IT'S PRONOUNCED DA-VEED. I THINK IT'S PRONOUNCED 'DELINQUENT', AND IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA HAVE A LITTLE CHAT WITH YOUR FOLKS OVER FRUIT CAKE. NOW STEP ASIDE. SLED RATTLES THEY'RE NOT HOME. THEY'RE NEVER HOME. BUT I'LL GIVE THAT TO 'EM. NO. I CAN GIVE IT TO THEM MYSELF. THEY'RE NOT HERE. UNDERSTAND? OK, LET ME JUST TELL YOU ` MY PILATES STUDIO ALSO TEACHES KICKBOXING. HEY! (GRUNTS) YOU'RE STRONGER THAN YOU LOOK. STRAINS: I MIGHT SAY THE SAME THING ABOUT YOU. BOTH GRUNT HA! MERRY CHRISTMAS. THANKS FOR THE SLED. WE'VE GOT YOU SURROUNDED! THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, PATRICK, TO STEP ASIDE AND EMBRACE NON-VIOLENCE! HUH?! FOR STARTERS, RETURNING MY SLED! DAVID? HI, MOM! I'M TRYING A NEW APPROACH ` THE NUTCRACKER OFFENCE. ALL I WANT IS THE SLED, PATRICK! AND MY DIGNITY! BITE ME! YOU ASKED FOR IT! LOCK AND LOAD! FIRE IN THE HOLE! DRAMATIC MUSIC WHISTLING SPLAT! (CACKLES) FIRE IN THE HOLE! (GROWLS) CAKE WHOOSHES SPLAT! WHA...? FIRE IN THE HOLE! THWACK! (SCREAMS) YES! (GROANS) THAT GIVES NEW MEANING TO THE TERM 'NUTCRACKER'. YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. WE DID IT. WE DID IT, MOM! DID YOU SEE? YES, HONEY. HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT? IT WAS SOMETHING OWEN SAID. I FIGURED IF THE NUTCRACKER MOUSE KING GOT TAKEN OUT WITH SHOES, I COULD USE FRUIT CAKES JUST AS EFFECTIVELY. AND YOUR PATENTED DOUBLE BUNGY REALLY GAVE IT SOME KICK. AH! HAH! I'M PROUD OF YOU, KIDDO. MM-HM. INSIDE FOR GAMES! COME ON! THEN OUTSIDE FOR SNOWMAN-BUILDING. IN HONOUR OF OUR HERO, DAVID, WE'RE GONNA MAKE A SNOWMAN 10 FEET TALL! COME ON, MAYA. OWEN, YOU'RE THE BEST. CURIOUS MUSIC YEAH. 'OWEN, YOU'RE THE BEST.' OK, EVERYBODY! INDISTINCT EXCITED CHATTER, LAUGHTER (SCREECHES FRUSTRATEDLY) ONE MORE DAY, MAYA. JUST ONE MORE DAY. 'OWEN DID IT.' 'OWEN TOLD ME.' OWEN. OWEN, OWEN, OWEN! OH. OH! (CHUCKLES) OWEN. OH! HEY, WHY DON'T YOU COME IN FROM THE COLD? COME ON! COMING! TENSE MUSIC YOU'RE THE BEST. TO 'JINGLE BELLS' TUNE: # IN JUST ONE MORE DAY, OWEN WILL BE AWAY. # JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY. # I DON'T WANT TO SIT AND WORK. I WANT TO GO AND PLAY. HEY! UGH! # JINGLE... RELAXED JAZZ MUSIC INDISTINCT CHATTER AMY... (CHUCKLES) AT FIRST, YOU SHOULD TRY THE... THIS IS FUN. CAMERA CLICKS MAYA, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL. EXHAUSTED, BUT BEAUTIFUL. WELL, I DIDN'T SLEEP A WINK. BUT THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD IS OFF MY SHOULDERS, BECAUSE I FINISHED THE MARKETING PLAN. I EVEN CAME UP WITH THE TAG LINE ` 'SIBERIA: COME IN FROM THE COLD.' NICE. I EMAILED IT TO TARTAKOV THIS MORNING, SO IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS. GOOD. IS THAT FAKE MISTLETOE? NO, IT IS FRESH MISTLETOE. OWEN HAD IT FLOWN IN FROM NORWAY. AH. WAIT. STEFFIE'S NOT EATING ALONE ANY MORE? I KNOW. ESMERELDA'S JOINED THE FAMILY. WELL, HEY, SWEETHEART. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NOT` WELL, ESMERELDA'S NOT SHY ANY MORE. IT'S LIKE THE RUDOLPH STORY. HOW SO? OWEN SAID EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE SOMEPLACE AT FIRST, LIKE THE NORTH POLE OR A NEW NEIGHBOURHOOD, THINGS CAN CHANGE, LIKE WITH RUDOLPH. NOW EVERYONE FITS IN, EVEN ESMERELDA. WOW. OWEN SAID THAT? THAT'S GREAT. OWEN SAID THAT. ISN'T THAT GREAT? NO, I'M FLOATING IN A CLOUD OF POSITIVE ENERGY. NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN. HAVING FUN? OH, YES. I'M UNDER THE MISTLETOE. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) OH, AND I'VE GOTTA GIVE IT TO YOU ` THIS IS AN AMAZING PARTY. TARTAKOV'S GONNA FLIP. AND I'M SORRY IF I'VE BEEN... STRESSED AT TIMES. OH, COME ON. I HADN'T NOTICED. YOU KNOW WHAT? THE KIDS HAVE A SURPRISE PLANNED. YOU BETTER STAY TUNED. DOORBELL CHIMES MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. AND WELL DONE. I WAS BEGINNING TO WONDER IF YOU COULD DELIVER. BORIS, YOU'VE SIMPLY GOT TO SEE THIS. (SIGHS EXCITEDLY) (SMOOCHES) I AM VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO CHRISTMAS. (LAUGHS) AND MARKET PLAN YOU SENT OVER ` AYE. VERY IMPRESSIVE. VERY IMPRESSIVE! (LAUGHS) LOOKS LIKE WE'VE KEPT THE WOLVES AT BAY. JUST KEEP THE VODKA FLOWING, AND LET'S GET TARTAKOV'S SIGNATURE ON THAT ACQUISITION CONTRACT. THE OTHER TREE WAS GIGANTIC! (CHUCKLES) MANY, MANY THINGS. VERY REALISTIC. VERY WELL-ORCHESTRATED. (CHUCKLES) NADINE, MR TARTAKOV, THIS IS MY HUSBAND, JACK. HOW DO YOU DO? NICE TO MEET YOU. PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. (LAUGHS) (SMOOCHES) (GROANS) (SLAPS, LAUGHS) UGH. SOMEONE WHO GOES TO THE GYM. THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ALLOWING ME TO SHARE IN YOUR... CHRISTMAS FESTIVAL. VERY MUCH ENJOYABLE. WE'RE SO GLAD THAT YOU COULD BE HERE, MR TARTAKOV. PLEASE, BORIS. BORIS. BORIS. EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK? MM. IS THIS STANDARD RUSSIAN VODKA? IT CERTAINLY IS, SIR ` MADE WITH CHIPS FROM REAL GLACIER ICE. MMM. THIS IS MY FAVOURITE. MOST IMPRESSIVE EVENING. MOST IMPRESSIVE EVENING! BORIS, SHALL WE WRAP UP THE PAPERWORK SO THAT WE CAN OPEN THE CHAMPAGNE? DA. ANNA: DAD, NOW, PLEASE. UH, EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. UM, ANNA'S GONNA SAY SOMETHING. (RINGS BELL) BEFORE WE START THE PAGEANT, WE WANTED TO GIVE A SPECIAL GIFT TO SOMEONE WHO'S REALLY GONE A BIT... UNAPPRECIATED THIS CHRISTMAS, A PERSON WHO HAS WORKED SO HARD FOR US AND BROUGHT US TOGETHER ` THOUGH, MAYBE THEY WENT A LITTLE CRAZY IN THE PROCESS. MAYBE SO. MAYBE SO. BUT SOMEONE WHO HAS DELIVERED AS SPECIAL A CHRISTMAS AS WE CAN EVER REMEMBER, ONE WE WILL NEVER FORGET. AW, GUYS, REALLY? TO OWEN! (CHUCKLES) CHEERING, APPLAUSE WHAT?! MOM, WE JUST WANTED TO THANK OWEN FOR ALL HE'S DONE. UH, WOW, OK. WELL, OWEN, YES. THANK YOU. OK. AS MOTHER OF THE FLETCHER FAMILY, I THANK YOU. MOM. UH,... YOU'RE WELCOME. YES, THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR DECORATING OUR HOUSE SO BRIGHTLY THAT THE AIRPORT CALLED TO COMPLAIN THAT WE'RE ACTUALLY DISTRACTING PLANES. OH, AND THANK YOU FOR PLAYING MATCHMAKER WITH MY DAUGHTER, BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, I FAILED AT THAT TOO. AND THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME UP IN FRONT OF MY SON AND PROBABLY GETTING ME SUED FOR ASSAULT BY FRUIT CAKES IN THE PROCESS! THAT'S ENOUGH, MAYA. NO, NO, NO. IT'S OK. I MEAN,... HOLIDAYS WOULDN'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT A LITTLE FAMILY SQUABBLE, RIGHT? CROWD LAUGHS, MURMURS AGREEMENT (LAUGHS) I MEAN, ALL OF MY OTHER CLIENTS SAY THAT. (SQUEALS) WHAT? CLIENTS? I MEAN, I` I` YES, YES. OH, NO, IT'S FINE. LET'S GET IT ALL OUT IN THE OPEN. PEGGY, DO YOU KNOW WHY HE SAID THAT? UH, MAYA, LET'S` NO. HE SAID THAT BECAUSE WE HIRED OWEN. HE'S NOT AN OLD FRIEND. HE'S A CHRISTMAS CONSULTANT, AND WE HIRED HIM TO GIVE US A REALLY GREAT CHRISTMAS! YOU HANDED OVER THE KEYS TO CHRISTMAS? WHISPERS: THIS ONE'S GOIN' ON YOUTUBE. YOU OUTSOURCED OUR HOLIDAYS? YES! BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? I CAN'T ALWAYS BE THE PERFECT HOMEMAKER AND THE PERFECT EXECUTIVE AND A MOTHER AND A WIFE ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I'M SO SORRY! IS THIS CHRISTMAS PAGEANT? I DO NOT KNOW THIS STORY. VERY REALISTIC. GO, GO. GO. MOM, PLEASE, JUST SHUT UP, OK? I'D WASH THAT CHILD'S MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP. CAN YOU PLEASE KEEP YOUR CHILD-REARING SUGGESTIONS TO YOURSELF?! SHE'S ONLY TRYING TO HELP. DON'T SPEAK! COME ON, MAYA. (CHUCKLES) YOU'RE` COME ON, YOU'RE A FIRECRACKER, HUH? COME ON! HEY, HEY, WHO WANTS ANOTHER ROUND, HUH? ANOTHER ROUND? ANOTHER ROUND OF OUR WHISKEY? YOU ARE THE MOOCHIEST MOOCH THAT EVER LET MOOCH! AND YOU! UGH! WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR NUT BALLS AND YOUR FRUIT CAKES AND YOUR SNOWMEN AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE DONE TO KEEP ME AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND MY HOME. MOMMY, LEAVE OWEN ALONE. JACK: CALM DOWN, MAYA. YOU'RE TRYING TO STEAL MY FAMILY. OH! YELPING, SHOUTING MAYA, MAYA, MAYA! MAYA! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! YOU ARE FINISHED! OH, I AM JUST GETTING STARTED! STAMMERS: M-M-MAYA, WE HAVE GUESTS, AND YOU'RE GOING LOCO. MAYA. MAYA, HERE. MAYA, MAYA, MAYA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. DRAMATIC MUSIC OH DEAR. (SCREAMS) STOP! STOP! STOP! IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE! OH, OPA! INDISTINCT SHOUTING HEY, HEY! OW! (SCREECHES) MAYA! SCREAMING, SHOUTING ELECTRICITY BUZZES MUSICAL FLOURISH OWEN, I HAVE ONE THING TO SAY TO YOU. YOU'RE FIRED! DEJECTED MUSIC OH MY GOSH. (GASPS) BORIS. (YELLS INDISTINCTLY) AMERICAN CHRISTMAS IS CRAZY! BORIS, WAIT! WAIT! (PANTS) MAYA, I'LL JUST HAVE YOU KNOW ` YOU NEEDN'T COME IN ON MONDAY. OR EVER AGAIN! BORIS. BORIS, WAIT. SHE'S INSANE. FRANK, PACK OUR BAGS. I DON'T SEE WHAT JACK SEES IN HER. GUYS, WAIT. (SCREAMS) WISTFUL MUSIC SLOW ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC WISTFUL MUSIC WISTFUL MUSIC CONTINUES I REALLY SCREWED UP BIG-TIME. THAT'S A BIT OF AN UNDERSTATEMENT. HEY, BUT LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE, HUH? WE GOT NO MORE RELATIVES HERE. NOW WE CAN GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET. I'M SO SORRY, JACK. I JUST SNAPPED. I THOUGHT THE KIDS' SPECIAL GIFT WAS FOR ME. YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY DID HAVE ONE. AND IT WAS GONNA BE A TOPPER. I'M SO EMBARRASSED. YOU KNOW, I... I GET THAT YOUR PLATE IS FULL, AND I... EVEN WITHOUT CHRISTMAS, I MEAN, YOU'RE JUGGLING SO MUCH. BUT, MAYA, THIS WAS JUST... OH, THE KIDS ARE GONNA BE SO DISAPPOINTED... OH, HEY, GUYS. LOOK, I KNOW EVERYTHING'S TERRIBLE, BUT I PROMISE WE'LL FIX IT AS SOON AS THE STORES OPEN TOMORROW. SO I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK OF IT AS NO CHRISTMAS. IT'S JUST A LITTLE DELAYED. AND I PROMISE I WILL MAKE IT UP TO ALL OF YOU. I... I FEEL TERRIBLE. CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT BEING TOGETHER AS A FAMILY, AND I JUST FORGOT THAT. MOMMY. WARM MUSIC MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. (CHUCKLES) MERRY CHRISTMAS TO US ALL. WE HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU! YOU DO? SURE! WHAT IS IT? OUR FINALE FROM THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT THAT NEVER WAS. THAT'S OUR PRESENT TO YOU, MOMMY. (CLAPS) PLACES, EVERYONE! (CHUCKLES) ALL WORKED OUT. HERE WE GO. (PLAYS 'OH COME ALL YE FAITHFUL') (PLAYS CHORDS TO 'OH COME ALL YE FAITHFUL') # OH, COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL, # JOYFUL AND TRIUMPHANT. # OH, COME YE, # OH, COME YE TO BETHLEHEM. # COME AND BEHOLD HIM, # BORN THE KING OF ANGELS. # OH, COME, LET US ADORE HIM. # OH, COME, LET US ADORE HIM. # OH, COME, LET US ADORE HIM, # CHRIST THE LORD. # (PLAYS CLOSING MELODY) HEY, THAT WAS GREAT. MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOMMY! MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, GUYS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. OH, YOU GUYS, THAT WAS SO GOOD. OWEN'S BEEN REHEARSING US EVERY SPARE MINUTE FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS. OWEN. WELL, SERIOUSLY, THAT WAS THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER! I'M SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU GUYS. I'M JUST GLAD THAT WE'RE ALL HERE TOGETHER. WELL... WELL, NOT EVERYONE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THE RIGHT THING. SERENE MUSIC SOFT PIANO MUSIC DOORBELL RINGS OWEN? SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES WISTFUL MUSIC OWEN'S NOT THERE, SWEETIE. OH. IT LOOKS SO EMPTY IN THERE. DO YOU KNOW IF HE AND HIS WIFE AND KIDS WENT TO A FAMILY DINNER OR SOMETHING? OH, HONEY, HE DOESN'T HAVE A WIFE. SHE PASSED AWAY FIVE YEARS AGO. NEVER HAD ANY KIDS. I ONLY HAVE ONE RESTRICTION. I SPEND CHRISTMAS DAY WITH MY FAMILY. DOGS YAP SAMMY, ROXY, QUIET DOWN, OR NO CHRISTMAS TREATS. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 4-YEAR-OLD SAMMY AND 2-YEAR-OLD ROXY. NOTHING BEATS HAVING A FAMILY, HUH? 4-YEAR-OLD SAMMY AND 2-YEAR-OLD ROXY? DOGS WHINE QUIETLY DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE HE MIGHT HAVE GONE? SORRY. I GOTTA GO. MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. EVERY CHRISTMAS MORNING, MY WIFE AND I WOULD GO DOWN TO THE DEPARTMENT STORES AND STARE AT THE AMAZING WINDOW DISPLAYS. SOFT HOPEFUL MUSIC ENGINE STARTS SERENE MUSIC (EXHALES) SERENE MUSIC SOFT CHOIR MUSIC SOFT CLARINET MUSIC OWEN? (EXHALES) (CHUCKLES) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? LOOKING FOR YOU. COME TO FINISH ME OFF? OF COURSE NOT. WELL, THAT'S GOOD. LOOK, I AM IN A HUGE RUSH. I REALLY GOTTA RUN. WE'RE GOING TO THE WIFE'S PARENTS' THIS YEAR. OWEN, I KNOW. I KNOW ABOUT LISA. DELICATE PIANO MUSIC WE REALLY DID COME HERE EVERY CHRISTMAS MORNING. I DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP. LISA LOVED THIS SCENE. CHRISTMAS WAS HER FAVOURITE HOLIDAY. SHE KNEW... HOW TO MAKE EVERYONE AROUND HER HAPPY. HER LOVE, HER WARMTH. I JUST MISS HER SO MUCH. (SIGHS) ANYWAY, I REALLY AM SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT. OH, THAT? YOU WRECKED MY HOUSE, COST ME MY JOB AND MADE THE LAST WEEK OF MY LIFE A LIVING HELL? YOU HAVE NO BOUNDARIES, AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHEN TO QUIT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? QUIETLY: A FAILURE. A FRIEND. (SIGHS, CHUCKLES) BY ANY CHANCE,... YOU GET A HEAD WOUND LAST NIGHT? NO. YOU JUST REMINDED ME OF HOW LUCKY I AM. I HAVE A GREAT FAMILY, AMAZING KIDS. I HAVE A WONDERFUL LIFE. WELL, YOU SEE, MAYA, I TOLD YA. CHRISTMAS CAN CHANGE ANYTHING. CHRISTMAS CAN SOLVE ANYTHING. YES, IT CAN, OWEN. BUT YOU CAN'T BEHIND THE PAIN OF LOSING LISA IN JUST GIVING OTHER PEOPLE GREAT CHRISTMASES. CHRISTMAS WAS THE TIME OF THE YEAR WE WERE THE MOST HAPPY. I JUST DON'T WANT THOSE MEMORIES TO FADE. THEY WON'T. BUT, OWEN, YOU TALK ABOUT LISA'S LOVE AND WARMTH. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH LOVE AND WARMTH YOU BROUGHT MY FAMILY THIS YEAR? YOU HAVE TO STOP HIDING IN THE PAST. YOU HAVE TO OPEN YOUR EYES. YOU'RE IN THE PRESENT. YOU'RE IN MY FAMILY'S PRESENT AND OUR FUTURE. YOU'RE A MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY NOW. (SIGHS) SERENE MUSIC CAN YOU HANG THE SNOWFLAKE LIKE THIS? MERRY CHRISTMAS. OWEN! HEY! I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK! I KNEW IT! WOW! EVERYTHING'S BACK TO NORMAL. WELL, ON CHRISTMAS, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. THAT'S WHAT SOMEBODY TOLD US. AND CHRISTMAS IS THE DAY THAT WE... ...WELCOME A NEW MEMBER TO THE FAMILY. OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I WANTED TO GET YOU GUYS SUCH NICE PRESENTS. YOU ALREADY DID. YOO-HOO. MERRY CHRISTMAS. NADINE. BORIS. NADINE, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT. ABOUT WHAT? OH, PLEASE. IT GAVE US A LITTLE TIME TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER MUCH BETTER, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. (CHUCKLES) DA. WE CAME TO UN-FIRE YOU. BORIS AND I SEALED THE DEAL LAST NIGHT. SO EVERYTHING'S OK? BETTER THAN OK. FROM NOW ON, I'M INVESTING IN RUSSIAN STEEL. (CHUCKLES) NOW LET US GO NOG EGGS, AND THEN I TAKE YOU FOR RIDE IN MY HELICOPTER. I BET YOU SAY THAT TO ALL THE GIRLS. NO, NO, NO, JUST YOU, MY AMERICAN SHE-WOLF. (LAUGHS) MERRY CHRISTMAS, COUSIN MAYA. YOLANDA? SO SORRY I'M LATE. I COULDN'T FIND ANYONE TO WATCH THE CATS IN THE SHELTER TILL THIS MORNING. SO I HOPPED IN THE CAR. OH, THAT'S OK. YOLANDA, THIS IS OWEN. MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS YOURSELF. NICE SWEATER. I LIKE CATS. THANKS. ME TOO. YOU KNOW, EVERY CHRISTMAS, I DRESS MY KITTIES UP IN LITTLE SANTA COSTUMES. OH, WOW. (LAUGHS) REINDEER ANTLERS, AS ELVES. (CHUCKLES) I JUST LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH. IT'S THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR, DON'T YOU THINK? CHRISTMAS IS OWEN'S FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR TOO. REALLY? YES. IT IS. I'LL GO GET US EGGNOG, OK? GREAT. WHOA. YOU BELIEVE IN SOULMATES? I BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS. ENERGETIC FESTIVE MUSIC # WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS. # WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS. # WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS # AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. (PLAYS CHORDS) # OH, BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING. # OH, BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING. # OH, BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING. # AND A CUP OF GOOD CHEER. # WHOO! HEY, DO YOU DO NEW YEAR'S? GRAND ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CAPTIONS BY ABLE. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. COPYRIGHT ABLE 2016