UNIVERSAL HONEY'S 'BEST CHRISTMAS EVER' CHEERING (CHUCKLES) CAPTIONS BY SHRUTIKA GUNANAYAGAM. CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. COPYRIGHT ABLE 2016 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. (CHUCKLES) LOVE IT. LOVE IT. LOVE IT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, COME ON, LET'S GO, GIRLS. WHOO! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, LIKE THAT. LIKE THAT. GO, GIRL, GO. LAUGHTER YES! CAN YOU JUST SOFTEN? SOFTER. YEAH, OK. ARE WE READY? READY? WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) THERE YOU GO, RIGHT THERE. I WANT IT ALL, LIKE` YEAH, PERFECT. CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS REPEATEDLY AH, NICE. (GROWLS, CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) YES. THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL. THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S REALLY GOOD. STAND UP ALL TOGETHER, YEAH. YEAH. (CHUCKLES) IT'S REALLY GOOD. N'NAA, I WANT YOU HIGHER. YEAH. LOVE IT. MODEL: WHOOPS! LAUGHTER YEAH, MORE OF THAT. YES, YES. YES. THANK YOU. CAMERA SHUTTER CONTINUES CLICKING EXCELLENT. LIGHT CHEERING THANK YOU. THANK YOU. I HAVE NO CAMERA. (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. THAT'S BEAU` DO YOU LIKE THAT? I LOVE THAT. WHAT'S THAT? I WANT EVERYBODY TO JUST, LIKE, STAND UP. OK, YEAH, YEAH, LIKE THAT. GOOD. LAUGHTER, CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS CHATTER I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO. IT'S ONLY FOR FOUR DAYS, CARA, AND THEN WE'LL BE MARRIED. WHY CAN'T WE JUST ELOPE TONIGHT? CLAIRE, I MAKE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING FOR YOU, AND BESIDE, YOU HAVE TO WORK. I'LL QUIT. YOU? MM. (CHUCKLES) I DON'T THINK SO. I FEEL TERRIBLE YOU'RE STUCK HANDLING THE WEDDING ARRANGEMENTS ALL BY YOURSELF. PICCOLA, IT IS PERFECT. THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I HAVE MICHELE. HE AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. MM. GENTLE, ROMANTIC MUSIC PHONE RINGS SO, CALL ME AS SOON AS YOU GET TO ASPEN. THE SECOND MY PLANE TOUCHES THE GROUND. YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE? OH, NOT AGAIN. I MUST'VE LEFT IT BY YOUR BED. OH. YOU DID. BOTH CHUCKLE WHAT DID I DO TO AFFORD YOU, HUH? HMM, I DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW. UH, LORENZO. OH, SCUSI. WE MUST GO, OR WE WILL MISS THE PLANE. DO NOT WORRY, SIGNORINA. I PROMISE, YOUR WEDDING WILL BE MAGNIFICO. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) GENTLE, ROMANTIC MUSIC DOOR SHUTS (SIGHS) (PANTS) WHY CAN'T WE FLY? COS DRIVING'S MORE FUN. DID YOU BRING TOBY'S LEASH? NOT TO ME; IT'S BORING. THEN READ A BOOK. THERE'S NO EXCUSE TO BE BORED ` EVER. CAN'T WE FLY JUST ONCE? HILLY, DRIVING TO GRANDMA'S IS A CHRISTMAS TRADITION. WE'VE DONE IT EVERY YEAR SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. (SIGHS) AND IT ALWAYS SUCKS. YOU'RE PSYCHED FOR A ROAD TRIP, AREN'T YA, TOBY? (BARKS) AREN'T YA, BUDDY? (BARKS) BELL TOLLS DISTANTLY ENGINE STARTS, REVS ROCK-AND-ROLL MUSIC PLAYS WE'RE OFF... (GRANDLY) ON ANOTHER GRAND ADVENTURE. RIGHT (!) WHAT IS THIS GEEZER MUSIC? IT'S CALLED ROCK AND ROLL. CAN WE LISTEN TO SOMETHING FROM THIS CENTURY? FINE, YOU'RE THE DJ. THANK YOU. STATIC CRACKLES, HIP-HOP VERSION OF 'GOOD KING WENCESLAS' PLAYS (SNAPS FINGERS) DAD, STOP IT. I'M GETTIN' DOWN. (CONTINUES SNAPPING) IF YOU KEEP DOING THAT, I'M GONNA GET OUT. WHAT? I FEEL THE MUSIC. CHUCKLES: DAD, STOP. (GRUNTS) OH. HA! STOP! YOU'RE NOT COOL! GEARSTICK RATTLES CAN'T TAKE A LITTLE FUNKY STUFF; I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP. # GOOD KIND WENCESLAS. SHONE THE MOON, # THE MOON, THE MOON THAT NIGHT (ECHOES) NIGHT, NIGHT, # THE MOON THAT NIGHT. (ECHOES) # WHAT'S GOOD, KING? I REALLY LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING. MAN: I KNOW, BUT THIS IS BLOCKING THAT. YOU CAN'T SEE THIS. GETTING NERVOUS? MM, NOT NERVOUS EXACTLY, MORE LIKE EXCITED. (CHUCKLES) AND NERVOUS. CHATTER GOD, SHOULDN'T HAVE EAT THAT. UGH. I FEEL BLOATED. DO I LOOK BLOATED TO YOU? N'NAA, YOU'VE HAD, LIKE, THREE OLIVES. I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD CAUSE BLOAT. I KNOW, BUT ARE YOU SURE? I FEEL ENORMOUS, LIKE` YOU'RE A FREAK. OK, OK. SO, YOU'RE GOOD? THANKS FOR THIS. NO, UH, RESERVATIONS? (GRUNTS) WHY, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD BE HAVING RESERVATIONS? UH-UH. (CHUCKLES) NO. 'COURSE NOT. NOT AT ALL. SEEMS A LITTLE QUICK, THOUGH. N'NAA, I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR YEARS. YEAH, BUT YOU ONLY GOT NASTY OF LATE. OH PLEASE. AND THEN THERE'S THE ITALIAN THING. W-WHAT ITALIAN THING? (SCOFFS) COME ON, CLAIRE, EVERYONE KNOWS ITALIAN MEN LOVE WOMEN ` LOTS OF WOMEN. (SCOFFS) THAT'S RIDICULOUS. THAT'S LIKE ME SAYING, 'BECAUSE YOU'RE BLACK, YOU MUST LOVE WATERMELON.' I DO LOVE WATERMELON. IT'S ABOUT THE ONLY THING I CAN EAT. OH, THAT'S NOT THE POINT, AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU JUST DON'T LIKE LORENZO. OH, THAT IS SO NOT TRUE; I LOVE LORENZO, I DO. HE'S SMART; HE'S FUNNY. CONSIDERATE. HE'S GORGEOUS. MM. TOP OF ALL OF THAT, HE'S RICH TOO. THIS MAN IS PERFECTION IN PANTS. OH, I GET IT. YOU'RE JEALOUS. CLAIRE, (CLEARS THROAT) IT'S JUST IT'S A LITTLE SURPRISING. N'NAA, I LOVE HIM; HE'S THE ONE. BE HAPPY FOR ME. I AM. COME HERE. MM. (GASPS) OH! MS JAMISON, FOR YOU. CHATTER, PACKAGING RUSTLES AND WHO ARE THOSE FROM? READS: I MISS YOU ALREADY. LORENZO. (CHUCKLES GENTLY) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) OK, I'M JEALOUS. GOT 'EM, CLAIRE. PACKAGING RUSTLES (SIGHS) (SIGHS MOCKINGLY) GENTLE HISSING, HORNS TOOT THIS IS NOT A PROMISING START. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? IT'S A MINOR SETBACK. TOLD YOU WE SHOULD'VE FLOWN. SIREN WAILS OK, HIT THE GAS. ENGINE REVS ENGINE REVS THIS IS SOME ADVENTURE, DAD (!) ENGINE REVS OK, CUT IT. I THINK I SEE WHAT'S WRONG. DOOR SHUTS (COUGHS) GENTLE, CURIOUS MUSIC OH, HEY, MIKE. SAW YOUR WIFE AT PILATES. ENJOY YOUR LUNCH. CELL PHONE RINGS ORCHIDS, REALLY? SI. MICHELE FOUND THEM. WELL, I THOUGHT WE'D AGREED ON ROSES. YOU'LL LOVE THEM. THEY'RE SEXY AND EXOTIC, JUST LIKE YOU. HOW AM I GONNA ARGUE WITH THAT? BRAVO. I'LL ORDER THEM TODAY. GOD, I MISS YOU. WISH I WAS THERE. SOON,... AMORE MIA. BEEP! 'AMORE MIA.' (SIGHS) FEEL-GOOD MUSIC ELECTRICAL WHIRRING A CHRISTMAS WEDDING ` THAT IS ROMANTIC. IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE, ACTUALLY ` AW. HIS IDEA. WELL, NO COAL IN YOUR STOCKING THIS YEAR, RIGHT? I MEAN, THIS GUY GOT A BROTHER? (CHUCKLES) NO, UNFORTUNATELY, JUST SISTERS. YEAH, JUST MY LUCK. SO, HE IS FROM COLORADO. NO, NO, HE JUST VACATIONS THERE. HE OWNS THIS BEAUTIFUL CHALET IN ASPEN. OH, NOW WE'RE TALKING ` ASPEN! OH, HE WAS BORN IN ITALY. INTRIGUING MUSIC OH. SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT? NO. NO, NO, NO, NO. ITALY'S A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY. SURE IS. YEAH, AND THEY HAVE REALLY GREAT FOOD, I HEAR. THE BEST. YEAH. ITALIANS. (CHUCKLES GENTLY) YEAH. CHUCKLES: YEAH. WHADDAYA MEAN? NO, NOTHING. NOTHING ` IT'S NOTHING. NO, WHAT? IT'S... (SIGHS) SOFTLY: 'I DATED AN ITALIAN GUY ONCE. YEAH... 'WELL, HE DUMPED ME FOR MY BEST FRIEND, AND THEN HE TURNED AROUND AND MARRIED HER SISTER, 'AND I HEARD HE EVEN SLEPT WITH THE MOTHER.' OH. WELL THAT'S A TERRIBLE STORY. TELL ME ABOUT IT. W` BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MY FIANCE? NOTHING. N` (CHUCKLES) NOTHING. NO, YOUR FIANCE'S PROBABLY A GREAT GUY. CELL PHONE RINGS OH! UM... HERE YOU GO. THANK YOU. BEEP! SOFTLY: THANK YOU. HELLO. OH, HEY, TRACEY. WHAT'S UP? YOU'RE KIDDING. (CHUCKLES) OH, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! OH, YOU JUST MADE MY DAY! OH, AND A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU. BEEP! GOOD NEWS. (SIGHS) OH, THE BEST ` MY SHOOT WAS CANCELLED. NOW I CAN GO TO ASPEN A COUPLE OF DAYS EARLY AND SURPRISE LORENZO. HE LOVES SURPRISES. YEAH, SO DID MINE. I FOUND HIM THIS ONE TIME` UH, ARE WE DONE HERE? WHAT? YEAH, WE'RE DONE. I'LL JUST RING YOU UP, COS YOU HAVE A WEDDING TO GO TO. YES. OK. CHAIR CLICKS, CREAKS BRIGHT MUSIC GENTLE MUSIC ENGINE GRINDS LOUDLY ENGINE GRINDS INSISTENTLY DAMN. ENGINE CONTINUES GRINDING BRAKES SQUEAL ENGINE TURNS OFF WHAT'S HAPPENING? NOTHIN', HONEY. GO BACK TO SLEEP. JUST ANOTHER MINOR SETBACK. ELECTRICAL HUMMING WELL, IT'S A CINCH TO FIX, BUT I JUST DON'T HAVE THE PART. UH, COULD SEND A GUY TO OMAHA TOMORROW TO GET IT. I GUESS THAT'S WHAT WE'LL DO, THEN. ANY PLACE TO STAY AROUND HERE? JUST THE RITZ UP THE STREET THERE (!) FOOTSTEPS RECEDE WIND WHISTLES YUP, THERE'S A VACANCY ` AS USUAL. ANOTHER ADVENTURE ` GREAT (!) I'M SO GLAD WE DIDN'T FLY (!) THIS IS MUCH MORE FUN (!) WHAT DID I TELL YA? CHATTER AH, YOU'RE IN LUCK. WE JUST HAD A CANCELLATION, AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE NOT VERY MANY OF THOSE TO BE HAD. GREAT, I'LL TAKE IT. UH, IT'S A MIDDLE SEAT IN COACH. OH. THERE'S NOTHING IN BUSINESS, EVEN? OH, LISTEN, IT IS A MIRACLE WE EVEN HAVE THIS WITH THE HOLIDAYS AND ALL. FINE, I'LL TAKE IT. WHAT TIMES DOES IT GET ME IN? YOU SHOULD BE IN ASPEN BY LATE MORNING, BARRING ANY UNFORESEEN DELAYS, OF COURSE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. THIS IS MY LUCKY DAY ` I CAN FEEL IT. MAN GRUNTS OH! OOH. OH! EXCUSE ME. (CLEARS THROAT) EXPECTANT MUSIC CURIOUS NOTE (SIGHS) CHATTER AMUSING MUSIC BAG RATTLES BAG HANDLE CLICKS (GRUNTS GENTLY) BAG RATTLES (GRUNTS) (EXHALES HEAVILY) OW! OH, SORRY. WATCH IT, LADY. THOSE SHOES ARE NEW. SORRY. SORRY. SEAT CREAKS PA: FLIGHT CREW, PREPARE THE CABIN FOR TAKE-OFF. (EXHALES HEAVILY) HI. (CHUCKLES) HI. I'M ENID. (CHUCKLES) DONCHA JUST LOVE TRAVELLING? MM. SO EXCITING. UM, ARE YOU GOING SKIING AT, UH, ASPEN? NO. WELL, MAYBE. UM, ACTUALLY,... UH-HUH? ...I'M GETTING MARRIED. (GASPS) MARRIED! YEAH. OH MY. ISN'T THAT NICE? (CHUCKLES) NOW, ME, I'VE DONE IT SIX TIMES. MY FIRST HUSBAND'S NAME WAS LESTER,... AND MY SECOND ONE ` WELL,... LET'S NOT MENTION HIM, UM, AND THEN` AND THEN ONE DAY, I MET MY THIRD HUSBAND... (SIGHS) GENTLE MUSIC DO YOU WANNA EAT OVER THERE? OR CAN YOU WAIT UNTIL OMAHA? EW. LET'S WAIT. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You don't have a girlfriend. You don't need a lot of calls or text. You need data ` for dating sites, like Honey Badger. (LAUGHS) You do have a girlfriend. You need less data and more calls ` lovey-dovey calls. # You make me... # You don't have a girlfriend again. She won't return your calls. You need more text. Things change. Now your Prepay can too. Get more of what you need and less of what you don't with Vodafone My Flex Prepay. ON MY WAY HOME FROM CECIL'S FUNERAL ` OH, GOD REST HIS SOUL ` I GOT REAR-ENDED BY NORM. (CHUCKLES) GO FIGURE IT. (CHUCKLES) OH. UH, THAT WAS HIM. LOOK AT THOSE MUSCLES. OH. OH, HE WAS AS DUMB AS A STICK BUT A REAL BOBCAT IN THE SACK. (CHUCKLES) PA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR SECOND OFFICER SPEAKING. LUCKY YOU. WE'RE HAVING SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, AND WE'RE GOING TO BE DIVERTING OUT FLIGHT TO OMAHA TODAY. ALL GROAN WHAT?! WE EXPECT TO BE AT THE GATE IN OMAHA IN 15 MINUTES. WELL, OMAHA'S NEAR ASPEN, RIGHT? UM, (SIGHS), UH, I'M NOT SURE. (SNORES) PA ANNOUNCEMENT CONTINUES SMACK! (INHALES DEEPLY) AW, I WAS DREAMIN', LADY ` CHEERLEADERS EVERYWHERE, AND YOU WRECKED IT. WHOOSHING, TYRES SQUEAL CHATTER NEXT. NO, I` NO, IT` IT'S STILL MY TURN. STILL MY TURN. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND; I HAVE TO GET TO ASPEN. I'M GETTING MARRIED IN THREE DAYS. I DO UNDERSTAND, BUT ALL OF OUR FLIGHTS TODAY ARE BOOKED SOLID. WHAT ABOUT TOMORROW? SAME THING. I CAN WAIT-LIST YOU, IF YOU LIKE. WELL, THERE MUST BE SOME WAY TO GET THERE. I MEAN` OH. I KNOW ` I'LL DRIVE. GOOD LUCK. YOU WON'T FIND A RENTAL CAR THIS TIME OF YEAR. LOOK, THE BEST THING THAT WE CAN OFFER YOU IS A RETURN FLIGHT TO CHICAGO. NO, I AM NOT GOING BACK. UH, IS THERE A BUS? THERE MUST BE A BUS STATION. WELL, YES, BUT IT'S HALFWAY` MAY I HAVE THE ADDRESS, PLEASE? THANK YOU SO MUCH, AND MERRY CHRISTMAS. HIP-HOP MUSIC (CHUCKLES MERRILY) BELL RINGS MERRY CHRISTMAS. THANK YOU, MA'AM. MERRY CHRISTMAS. WHAT LOOKS GOOD? NOTHING. (CHUCKLES MERRILY) THUD! INTRIGUING MUSIC GENTLE, CURIOUS MUSIC MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ENGINE REVS CHATTER AMUSING MUSIC PA: LADIES AND GENTS, WE'RE, UH, JUST GETTING THE LATE BAGS ON TO THE BUS, AND WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY TO LINCOLN AND POINTS WEST IN JUST A FEW MINUTES... NICE AND COSY, EH? YEP. RUSTLING BOTTLE LID SCRAPES CARE FOR A SWIG? OH, NO, IT'S AGAINST MY RELIGION. AMEN! LIQUID SLOSHES LADIES AND GENTS, THIS IS LINCOLN. UH, WE HAVE A STATION STOP HERE FOR 10 MINUTES. BRAKES SQUEAL DOOR HISSES THUNDER RUMBLES (GASPS) AARGH! OH, THAT LAST STEP'S A DOOZY! GROANS: OW. OW. UH, OH, HEY, HEY, HEY. (GROANS) (GRUNTS REPEATEDLY) (GRUNTS, EXHALES HEAVILY) EH, HEY THERE. (EXHALES HEAVILY) HEY, YOU OK? (GRUNTS, SPLUTTERS) UH-OH. (SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY) YES, I-I-I THINK SO. (STAMMERS) KEYS JINGLE (SIGHS) WELL. OH, MY` MY HAIR'S GONNA GET RUINED IN THIS RAIN. HEY, HEY. HEY, HEY! HAVE I GOT THE THING FOR YOU. AH! OH. OH. TRY IT, TRY IT. THIS COULD WORK. HEY, LOOKIN' GREAT. LOOKIN' GOOD. YEAH. THANK YOU. GOOD. DO YOU KNOW WHERE I GET THE BUS TO ASPEN? ASPEN?! THERE AIN'T NO BUS TO ASPEN. YOU GOTTA GO OUTTA WICHITA. BUT THEY TOLD ME IN OMAHA THAT... OH, NEVER MIND. UH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME THE BUS LEAVES FOR WICHITA? THINK THERE'S ONE AT MIDNIGHT. MIDNIGHT?! MM-HM. MM-HM. I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG. I HAVE TO GET TO ASPEN. I... (SIGHS) WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I DUNNO. THUNDER RUMBLES UM, EXCUSE ME, I AM VERY SORRY, VERY SORRY, BUT I AM HEARING THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A RIDE TO ASPEN, YES? OH, YES. ARE YOU GOING THERE? NO, BUT VERY CLOSE, VERY CLOSE ` DENVER. WELL, CLOSE IS GOOD ENOUGH. COULD YOU GIVE ME A RIDE? IT WOULD BE GIVING ME MUCH PLEASURE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. QUIRKY INDIAN-STYLE MUSIC GOOD LORD. COME, PLEASE. DOOR THUDS BLUEGRASS BANJO RIFF AMUSING MUSIC HOW COSY ` SORTA LIKE A CAMPFIRE... WITH NO HOTDOGS... OR FIRE. (CHUCKLES GENTLY) YEAH. TYRES SQUEAL LAID-BACK BLUEGRASS MUSIC (CLEARS THROAT) IT'S KINDA CHILLY IN HERE, HUH. I DON'T SUPPOSE ONE OF YOU HAS AN EXTRA JACKET? TRUCK CREAKS YES. PLEASE. I HAVE WORN THAT SINCE I LEFT MY COUNTRY 10 MONTHS AGO ` WARM, VERY WARM. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. (CHUCKLES) IT IS GIVING ME MUCH PLEASURE. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY, SIGHS) I'LL JUST PUT THIS ON TOO. UM, I'M CLAIRE JAMISON, BY THE WAY. AND YOU ARE? TINY SNOPES. OH. OBVIOUSLY AN IRONIC NICKNAME. (CHUCKLES) WHADDAYA MEAN? IT'S MY GRANDMOTHER'S NAME. YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S NAME WAS TINY? HELL NO. MY GRANDMOTHER'S NAME'S SNOPES. RIGHT. YEAH. AND` AND YOU ARE? I'M COOTIE DUMARR. COO... (LAUGHS) WOW. THAT'S BRUTAL. I MEAN, YOU MUST'VE GOTTEN TORMENTED IN GRADE SCHOOL. WHY DO YOU SAY THAT? BECAUSE OF COOTIES, YOU KNOW, UM,... S` SURELY YOU'RE NOT SAYING YOU'VE` (CHUCKLES) YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF... I LOVE THE MATCHING OUTFITS. AMUSING BLUEGRASS MUSIC (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) HOOTER BLARES WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT BENNY'S BUNS ANYWAY? WELL, LAST YEAR A GUY GOT ONE THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE MOTHER TERESA. (SCOFFS) COME ON. THINK I'M KIDDIN'? I HEARD THEY GOT A SHRINE OVER NEAR LINCOLN. THAT BETTER NOT BE WHY WE DROVE TWO HOURS OUT OF OUR WAY. IT'S NOT. OH. OH WOW. SCUSE ME? THAT'S, LIKE, THE BEST THING I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. CAN'T GET THAT ON AN AIRPLANE, CAN YA? MM. MUFFLED: WE HAVE TO MOVE HERE SO WE CAN HAVE THESE ALL THE TIME. PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT; I MIGHT EVEN TAKE YOU TO THE INTERNATIONAL HUBCAP MUSEUM. (SCOFFS) YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU? OH, YES, I WOULD. TOBY BARKS REPEATEDLY BRAKES SQUEAL GENTLE, CURIOUS MUSIC TOBY CONTINUES BARKING VEHICLE DOOR SHUTS (BARKS) ENGINE STARTS ENGINE RUMBLES OK, THAT'S WEIRD. NO, NO, NOT YOU, OPERATOR. UH, THE TOWN IS CALLED OGALLALA, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT. UH, OK. I NEED A PEN. DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING I CAN WRITE WITH? UH, WOULD YOU MIND NOT SMOKING? I'M REALLY ALLERGIC. (SCOFFS) THANKS. (SIGHS) WAIT, THERE HAS TO BE A CAR RENTAL PLACE. WHAT KIND OF A CITY DOESN'T HAVE A HERTZ OR SOMETHING? PLEASE CHECK AGAIN. TH` THIS IDIOT IS TELLING ME THAT THERE IS NO CAR RENTAL AGENCY IN OGALLALA. (SCOFFS) I MEAN, WHERE ARE WE, MARS? (SIGHS) BOTH EXHALE HEAVILY (COUGHS) (GASPS, COUGHS) (SIGHS) JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS, CHUCKLING, CHATTER CELL PHONE RINGS BEEP! PRONTO. (SIGHS) LORENZO. IT'S SO GOOD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE. AH, CARA, I AM SO GLAD YOU CALLED. WE'VE DECIDED ON A THEME. A THEME? IT'S GOING TO BE A VENETIAN MASKED BALL. OUR WEDDING? SI. ISN'T THAT AMAZING? WOW. IT JUST SEEMS LIKE... A LOT TO ORGANISE, YOU KNOW, IN THREE DAYS. OH, MICHELE HAS IT ALL ` THE MASK, THE WAITER COSTUME, LITTLE GONDOLA SOUP BOLUS. DO YOU LOVE IT? UH,... (SIGHS) NO,... I DON'T. YOU DON'T? I GUESS I WAS JUST, UH, PICTURING SOMETHING A LITTLE LESS FANTASTICO. OH, IT'S GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL, CLAIRE ` VERY ELEGANT AND ITALIAN. SOFTLY: CAN I HAVE A HOT WATER WITH LEMON, PLEASE? LET ME EMAIL YOU A PICTURE. UM,... Y-YOU KNOW, I AM` I AM JUST UP TO MY EARS ON THIS SHOOT JUST NOW, SO I TELL YA WHAT, IF YOU LIKE IT, I'M SURE IT'LL BE WONDERFUL. OK, HERE YOU ARE ` HOT WATER AND LEMON. YEAH. MEN LAUGH THUDDING HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GO, GO, GO, GO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! CARA, WHAT'S HAPPENING? ENGINE STARTS UH, I GOTTA RUN! MODEL VOMITING! ENGINE REVS, TYRES SQUEAL NO, STOP! WAIT! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! (SOBS) OH, PLEASE! OH GOD! (PANTS) HEY, LADY,... DON'T FORGET YOUR BAG! THUD! (LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY) (GASPS, EXHALES HEAVILY) (CONTINUES EXHALING HEAVILY) (CONTINUES LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY) HEY! SEE YOU IN ASPEN! (CONTINUES LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY) POIGNANT MUSIC (PANTS) YOU OK? WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT? WELL, FOR STARTERS, THOSE GUYS JUST THREW YOUR SUITCASE OFF THE BACK OF THEIR TRUCK. OH, YEAH, THAT. DAD, THAT'S THE WOMAN. WHAT WOMAN? THE ONE I'VE BEEN SEEING EVERYWHERE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT. COME ON, LET'S HELP HER. CAN WE HELP? NO. I'M FINE. (SNIFFLES) NO PROBLEM; GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. (SNIFFLES) THERE'S NO PROBLEM. (SNIFFLES) (EXHALES HEAVILY) GENTLE MUSIC CAN YOU PLEASE NOT FONDLE MY UNDERWEAR? I WASN'T FONDLING IT; I WAS LOOKIN' AT IT. YEAH, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF I FONDLED YOUR UNDERWEAR? WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY. CAN WE GIVE YOU A RIDE SOMEWHERE? NOT UNLESS YOU'RE GOIN' TO ASPEN. WE'RE NOT. YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK SO. WE'RE GOIN' TO VAIL. YOU ARE? REALLY? WELL, THAT'S NEAR ASPEN, RIGHT? YEAH, SORT OF. WELL, DO YOU THINK I COULD...? DO YOU THINK I COULD CATCH A RIDE WITH YOU GUYS? THERE'S NOT MUCH ROOM IN OUR TRUCK. OH, PLEASE, PLEASE. OH, UH, I` I'LL DO ANYTHING; I'LL PAY FOR GAS, UH, FOOD ` I MEAN, REALLY, ANYTHING. I-I-I'LL BUY YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. I JUST GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS PLACE. WHAT, AND LEAVE BEAUTIFUL OGALLALA? OH, PLEASE, I'M DESPERATE. I'M GETTING MARRIED ON SUNDAY, AND I'M REALLY A NICE PERSON ` REALLY, I AM. I CAN GIVE YOU REFERENCES. UM, TODAY HAS JUST BEEN A TOTAL DISASTER. YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN ON A PLANE, A BUS, A TRUCK. TEARFULLY: 'AND, OF COURSE, THERE'S` THERE'S NO RENTAL CAR AGENCY IN THIS CITY, '(STAMMERS) AND, UH, MY CELL PHONE BATTERY'S GETTING LOW, AND... I JUST... 'PLEASE? JUST LOOK AT ME.' (BREATHES HEAVILY) PLEASE? RATTLING (BARKS) (GRUNTS) THUDDING GUESS WE SHOULD BE PROPERLY INTRODUCED. I'M TOM PULLMAN. THIS IS MY DAUGHTER, HILLARY. HILLY. HEY, HAVE`? YOU NAME SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR; HAVE WE MET BEFORE? I DON'T THINK SO. YOU SURE? I'D REMEMBER. HUH. THUDDING AND YOU ARE? OH, I'M SORRY. I'M CLAIRE JAMISON. 'BOUT READY THERE? WE SHOULD GET GOIN'. OK, I GUESS IT'S HOPELESS ANYHOW. INTRIGUING MUSIC UM, DO YOU MIND IF I PLUG THIS IN? SORRY, THE LIGHTER DOESN'T WORK. IT DOESN'T? OH MAN, MY BATTERY'S ALMOST OUT. DON'T WORRY; THAT THING PROBABLY WON'T WORK OUT HERE ANYWAY. DON'T BE SILLY; THERE'S RECEPTION EVERYWHERE. WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, I HAVE NO SIGNAL. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO BARS. TOLD YA. BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ` I HAVE WEDDING PLANS TO MAKE; I HAVE TO CALL MY OFFICE. I CAN'T AFFORD TO BE OUT OF CONTACT. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT? I DUNNO, DON'T YOU HAVE A CB RADIO OR SOMETHING? ROGER THAT. NO, BIG MAMA. SORRY, THEY DIDN'T TEACH TRUCKER IN MY HIGH SCHOOL. I'M SURE THEY DIDN'T. GENTLE RATTLING BANG! OH HELL. TYRES SQUEAL WE GOT A FLAT. TYRES CONTINUES SQUEALING WHAT`? W... WHOA, COME ON. BRAKES SQUEAL ENGINE TURNS OFF EVERYBODY, OUT. WIND WHISTLES (SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY) BIRDS CAW ARE YOU ALMOST DONE? I REALLY DO NEED TO USE THE PHONE. THERE'S A TOWN UP AHEAD. WE CAN STOP THERE IF YOU REALLY HAVE TO. I DO ` I REALLY REALLY DO. (SIGHS) WHERE ARE WE, ANYHOW? SHOULDN'T WE BE AT A HIGHWAY? CREAKING THIS IS A MORE DIRECT ROUTE. (GRUNTS) BESIDES, YOU SEE MORE OF THE COUNTRY ON THE BACK ROADS. OH, I HAVE SEEN ENOUGH OF THE COUNTRY IN THE LAST TWO DAYS TO LAST ME A LIFETIME. GIVE ME CIVILISATION ANY DAY. YOU CAN HAVE IT. BIRD CAWS CELL PHONE BEEPS, 'NO SIGNAL' TONE BEEPS SO, YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED? CHRISTMAS EVE. THAT IS SO COOL. ISN'T THAT COOL? WAY COOL. SO, WHAT'S YOUR HUSBAND` I MEAN, THE GUY YOU'RE MARRYING LIKE? WELL, HE'S FUNNY AND SMART, AND HE ADORES ME. (SIGHS) THAT'S SO ROMANTIC. WHAT'S HE DO? HE OWNS A CABLE COMPANY IN ITALY. HE'S ITALIAN? YEAH. OH. INTRIGUING MUSIC WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'OH'? NOTHING, JUST 'OH' LIKE 'UH-HUH'. ARE YOU SURE? YEAH. JEEZ, LADY, IT WAS AN EXCLAMATION, NOT AN EDITORIAL COMMENT. I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. I` YOU KNOW, I'M` I'M JUST A LITTLE SENSITIVE ON THE SUBJECT LATELY, BECAUSE EVERYONE I TALK TO SEEMS TO HAVE THIS ATTITUDE ABOUT ITALIANS. YOU SAYING MY DAUGHTER'S ANTI-ITALIAN? I LIKE ITALIAN. NO, I'M SURE YOU DO. I'M SURE SHE DOES. I'M SORRY. FORGET IT. I'M` I'M REALLY SORRY. I'M SORRY. AMUSING MUSIC CLANG! TOBY BARKS THUD! TOBY BARKS INTRIGUING MUSIC BIRD CAWS BRAKES SQUEAL ENGINE TURNS OFF HEY, DAD, I'M GONNA TAKE TOBY FOR A WALK. SOFTLY: NO. OK, HONEY, DON'T BE TOO LONG, K? (TAPS TRUCK) K? OK. WANNA GO FOR A WALK? UP. UP. COME ON. (PANTS) (GASPS) GOOD BOY. BABYISHLY: DO YOU WANNA GO FOR A WALK? HOW YA DOIN' BACK HERE? (PANTS) OH, OK. (CHUCKLES) (WHINES) HUH? COME ON, YOU WANNA GO? (BARKS) COUNTRY-STYLE CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS CHATTER # IT'S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR # WHEN EVERYONE'S DEAR TO ME. # COME ON, LET'S GO FOR A WALK... OH, NO, THANK YOU. I'M NOT EATING. I'D JUST LIKE A DOUBLE LATTE. WITH OR WITHOUT SOY MILK? REGULAR MILK'S FINE. SOFTLY: HE'S KIDDING. OH, YOU DON'T HAVE SOY MILK? WE DON'T HAVE LAT-TES EITHER, JUST REGULAR OLD-FASHIONED COFFEE. WHAT BLEND? FOLGERS. WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHAT I'M HAVING. MAKE THAT TWO. WELL, THIS CERTAINLY IS RUSTIC ` (CHUCKLES) SORT OF EARLY FAUX-DIVE. NOTHIN' FAUX ABOUT IT. COUNTRY-STYLE CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING OH, THIS CREAM LOOKS LIKE IT'S OLDER THAN I AM. THAT OLD, HUH? FUNNY (!) THERE YOU GO. (GRUNTS) OH. UM, COULD WE PLEASE HAVE SOME FRESH CREAM? SURE. THERE YOU GO. JUG CLATTERS AND IF YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY, I GOT SOME FRESH-BAKED SCONES. OH. YOU DO? NO. (CHUCKLES) DOOR OPENS EVERYBODY'S A COMEDIAN. DOOR SHUTS DAD. DAD, TOBY RAN AWAY. WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? HE WENT AFTER A RABBIT, AND I COULDN'T HOLD ON TO HIS LEASH. OH JEEZ. COME ON, WE GOTTA FIND THE DOG. FOOTSTEPS RECEDE HE'LL COME BACK, WON'T HE? I DUNNO. HE GOES A LITTLE BRAIN-DEAD WHEN HE'S CHASIN' RABBITS. HE COULD BE IN WYOMING BY NOW. WE'LL HAVE MORE LUCK IF ALL THREE OF US LOOK. COME ON. CUP CLATTERS SURE. COME ON. COUNTRY-STYLE CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING HILLY: TOBY! TOM: TOBY! COME HERE! TOBY! HEY, TOBY! COME ON, DOGGY! COME ON! NICE DOGGY. COME ON, MAN, I GOT A WEDDING TO GO TO. TOBY! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME. COME ON! (FLATLY) DOGGY. COME ON, BOY! TOBY! FLATLY: DOGGY. OH, DOGGY. TOBY! (WHISTLES) HEY, DOGGY? COME ON, BOY! TOBY! DOGGY? (WHISTLES) MELANCHOLY MUSIC (SIGHS) HE'S LOST. WE'LL FIND HIM. BUT HOW CAN YOU BE SURE? I JUST AM. DON'T YOU HAVE A DOG WHISTLE OR SOMETHING? IF HE'S NOT COMING WHEN WE CALL, THEN WHAT GOOD WOULD A DOG WHISTLE DO? I DUNNO, I WAS JUST THINKING OUT LOUD HERE. WELL, DON'T. (EXHALES HEAVILY) WHAT HAPPENS IF WE DON'T FIND HIM? WE'RE NOT LEAVING HERE UNTIL WE DO. ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT WE STAY HERE OVERNIGHT? WE DON'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE. THERE'S A MOTEL OVER` NEXT TO THE RESTAURANT; WE'LL STAY THERE. BUT I HAVE TO GET TO ASPEN. LOOK, LADY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE DOG RAN AWAY. ARE YOU BLAMING ME? YEAH, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM. IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, WE NEVER WOULD'VE STOPPED HERE. OH, TH` THAT'S JUST GREAT (!) FINE, GO AHEAD, BLAME ME, BUT I AM NOT STAYING IN THIS GODFORSAKEN PLACE. THEN GET ANOTHER RIDE, COS WE'RE NOT LEAVIN'. FINE, I WILL. INTRIGUING MUSIC BIRDS CALL (YELLS) THUD! BIRD CALLS OH MY GOODNESS. OH! (SNIGGERS) HILLY, STOP IT. (LAUGHS) YEAH, HAR DE HAR HAR (!) JUST` JUST HELP ME OUTTA HERE. (CONTINUES LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) UGH! (CONTINUES LAUGHING) STOP! OH! (GRUNTS REPEATEDLY) COME ON, GIMME YOUR HAND. SORRY. (GRUNTS) I GOTCHA. OH, OH. WHOA! WHEW! THE LAST STEP'S A DOOZY. OH. (SIGHS) SO MUCH FOR MY WINTER WHITE. YOU LOOK FINE. I DO? HILLY AND TOM: NO. YOU'RE A MESS. CHUCKLING AND DOBY'S STILL MISSING. TOBY. WHATEVER. COME ON, WE SHOULD GET YOU INSIDE BEFORE YOU FREEZE. AMUSING MUSIC LATCH CLICKS THUDDING, DOOR HINGES SQUEAK DOOR THUDS EXPECTANT, CHRISTMASSY MUSIC (GRUNTS, PANTS) THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE? WELL, THE OTHER SEVEN UNITS ARE ALL TORN UP FOR REPAIRS. SHOULD COME BACK THIS SUMMER; WE'RE PUTTIN' IN A SAUNA. OH, LIKE A SIOUX SWEAT LODGE? HELL NO, SWEDISH SAUNA. OH, THIS PLACE IS GONNA LOOK GREAT ` DSL, GAMES ROOM AND AN ESPRESSO MACHINE. IT'S GONNA BE SWEET. (CHUCKLES) BUT YOU MUST HAVE SOME PLACE ELSE WHERE ONE PERSON COULD SLEEP. COULD SLEEP IN ONE OF THE OTHER ROOMS. GOT NO WINDOWS YET ` BE PRETTY COLD. W` (SIGHS) BUT` BUT THERE ARE ONLY TWO BEDS IN HERE. I'LL GET A ROLLAWAY. DOOR HINGES SQUEAK, THUDDING CLATTERING RIP! WHOA. PATTERING DAD, I THINK SOMETHING JUST RAN OTHER THE BED. PROBABLY A MOUSE. A MOUSE? OR A RAT. A RAT?! YEAH. (EXHALES HEAVILY) DOOR OPENS, THUDS (GRUNTS) HERE WE GO. DOOR HINGES SQUEAK (SIGHS) THAT WAS FAST. (CHUCKLES) DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE AN INFESTATION OF MICE OR RATS? SURE DO. DON'T WORRY, THOUGH; THEY'RE FRIENDLY. (CHUCKLES) BED THUDS, RATTLES (GRUNTS) SNUG AS THREE BUGS IN A RUG. WELL, THAT CERTAINLY IS COSY. WELL, I'LL LET YOU GET SETTLED, AND IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE, NAME'S CHABA. I'LL LET YA SETTLE UP IN THE MORNIN'. THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. DOOR HINGES SQUEAK THUD! OH! (CHUCKLES) CLAIRE AND HILLY LAUGH HORN BLARES I'VE TOLD YOU THREE TIMES ` THE DRESS NEEDS TO BE IN ASPEN BY THE 23RD. YEAH. YOU DO THAT. (SIGHS) DON'T WORRY; I'M SURE YOUR DAD'LL FIND HIM. HOW DO YOU KNOW? HE JUST STRIKES ME AS THE KINDA GUY WHO'S NOT GONNA QUIT UNTIL HE DOES. (SIGHS) SO TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF. WHAT DO YOU WANNA KNOW? I DUNNO, WHAT GRADE ARE YOU IN? EIGHT. DO YOU LIKE IT? IT SUCKS. YEAH, EIGHTH GRADE DOES SUCK. I WAS A WHALE IN EIGHTH GRADE. NO WAY, YOU'RE LIKE A STICK. (CHUCKLES) TRUST ME, I WAS TOTAL` I WAS TOTAL WHALE. MY NICKNAME WAS MOBY, AND IT WAS NOT IN HONOUR OF THE SINGER. (CHUCKLES) I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE. (CHUCKLES) SO, UM` SO, WHERE'S YOUR MOM SPENDING CHRISTMAS? BAD QUESTION. NO. YEAH, IT'S SORTA HARD TO TALK ABOUT IT. I'M` I'M SORRY. FORGET I ASKED. SHE'S DEAD. OH, HILLY, I'M` I'M SO SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW. IT'S OK. I'M USED TO IT. THERE'S NO WAY YOU COULD'VE KNOWN. WHEN DID SHE DIE? WHEN I WAS LITTLE, RIGHT BEFORE I TURNED 2. I'M SO SORRY. YEAH, ME TOO. IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE TO KNOW HER. I DON'T EVEN REALLY REMEMBER HER. THAT'S REALLY HARD. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. YOU KNOW, I DO. MY MOM DIED WHEN I WAS 7. GENTLE MUSIC AND YOU UNDERSTAND. YEAH, I DO. DOOR OPENS, DOOR HINGES CREAK DID YOU FIND HIM? (SIGHS) I'M SORRY, HONEY, NO. (EXHALES HEAVILY) DON'T WORRY; WE'LL FIND HIM, BUT THERE'S NOTHIN' MORE WE CAN DO TONIGHT. (SIGHS) (WHIMPERS) (SOBS) POIGNANT MUSIC GENTLE, MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON TV (SIGHS) HOW LONG HAS SHE BEEN IN THERE? I DUNNO, A WHILE. WISH SHE'D HURRY UP. I NEED TO USE THE FACILITIES. YOU'RE A GUY; GO OUTSIDE. TV: HELLO, YOUR HIGHNESS. GENTLE, MYSTICAL MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING (SCOFFS) YEAH, THE` THEY'RE` THE SHOOT'S GOING REALLY GREAT. YEAH, WE'RE` WE SHOULD BE WRAPPED RIGHT ON SCHEDULE, YEAH. HOW 'BOUT YOU? HOW'S IT ALL GOING? (SIGHS) THE MASKS ARE HELD UP IN CUSTOM; THE ICE SCULPTOR HAS THE FLU, AND WE'RE RUNNING OUTTA TIME. ARE YOU HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS? SECONDS THOUGHTS? CARA, NO, I LOVE YOU. (SIGHS) I JUST HOPE WE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. UH, I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE VENETIAN THING. OH. (SIGHS) W-W-WHAT'S GOING ON, LORENZO? IS SOMETHING WRONG? NO, NO, IT'S NOTHIN'. WELL, WHATEVER IT IS, YOU CAN TELL ME. FORGIVE ME, CARA. IT'S` IT'S BEEN A DAY. UH,... I'M VERY TIRED. LET'S TALK TOMORROW. K, I` WELL, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU TOO. BEEP! CELL PHONE CLICKS, THUDDING, WATER RUNS (SIGHS) RUSTLING SCRATCHING DOG WHINES SCRATCHING CONTINUES, DOG WHINES DOG BARKS, WHINES SCRATCHING CONTINUES, DOG CONTINUES WHINING DOOR HINGES SQUEAK (WHIMPERS) TOBY! GOOD BOY, TOBY! COME HERE! (GRUMBLES) TOBY, SILLY BOY. YOU HAD ME SO SCARED! WHERE DID YOU GO?! WHERE WERE YOU?! TOBY, YOU HAD ME SO SCARED! OH, KISSES! (CONTINUES GRUMBLING) BOTH GASP AMUSING MUSIC MORNING. GOOD MORNING. DAD! DAD, GET UP. TOBY'S BACK! HEY! (SQUEALS) (GRUMBLES) TOBY! TOBY, WHERE'D YOU GO, BUDDY? OH MAN, YOU'RE BACK! GOOD BOY! (CHUCKLES) TOBY! (CHUCKLES) OH! (SMOOCHES) (CHUCKLES) OH, TOBY, YOU'RE THE BEST! YOU CAME BACK! TOBY, WHERE DID YOU GO? (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES) YEAH, WE'RE A FAMILY AGAIN. FEEL-GOOD MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HUH? YOU'RE DRIVING PAST IT. YEAH, WELL, WE LOST A LOTTA TIME BACK THERE, AND` IT'S THE INTERNATIONAL HUBCAP MUSEUM. HOW CAN YOU CALL THIS AN ADVENTURE IF YOU'RE JUST GONNA DRIVE PAST SOMETHING LIKE THAT? FINE, GO. YOU THINK I WANNA BE THE ONE TO DEPRIVE HER OF AN EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITY LIKE THAT? GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC THIS IS THE LARGEST COLLECTION WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPI. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? DOOR OPENS SAW IT ON A SIGN WHEN WE CAME IN. HEY. DOOR SHUTS I GOT YOU GUYS THESE. WHAT ARE THEY? DEEP-FRIED TWINKIES. APPARENTLY, THEY'RE THE SPECIALITY DE MAISON. THANKS. YOU'RE NOT HAVIN' ONE? OH, NO, I NEVER TOUCH FRIED FOODS. I DO. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) WOW. IT'S GOOD. I THINK IT JUST TOOK A MONTH OFF MY LIFE. (CHUCKLES) AND I GOT A CORN DOG FOR TONY. TOBY. THAT'S THE ONE. SO, WE ALMOST DONE HERE? JUST ABOUT. AH,... NOW, THERE'S A BEAUT. THAT'S GONNA BE YOUR CLASSIC BUICK. WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF CAR AFICIONADO? NO, NOT REALLY, BUT I MEAN, (CHUCKLES) WHAT CAN I TELL YA? A CLASSIC IS A CLASSIC,... (MOUTHS) ...AND THAT'S A CLASSIC. YOU KNOW, THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE A STUDEBAKER TO ME. WHAT, THAT ONE? YEAH. (CHUCKLES) NO, NOT A CHANCE. 5 BUCKS. YOU'RE ON. AMUSING MUSIC YEAH, SHE'S RIGHT ` '52 STUDEBAKER. (SCOFFS) I... BUY YOURSELF A RAZOR. THAT'S FUNNY. YEAH. I'M GONNA WAIT IN THE TRUCK. ME TOO. DOOR OPENS SOFTLY: DAMN. DOOR SHUTS FEEL-GOOD COUNTRY MUSIC SEE? THAT HARDLY COST US ANY TIME AT ALL. THUDDING, ELECTRICAL CRACKLING UH-OH. RATTLING, BANG! THAT CAN'T BE GOOD. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) (BARKS) READY? READY? CATCH IT. (BARKS) GOOD JOB, TOBY! (SIGHS) CAN YOU FIX IT? YEAH, I THINK IT'S JUST A BAD SPARK PLUG. (BARKS) GET IT. GOOD BOY! GOOD ONE! SO, HILLY TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR WIFE. SHE DID? YEAH. THAT MUST'VE BEEN HARD. I'M SORRY. IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS; I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT IT UP. OH, IT'S FINE. I'M JUST SURPRISED SHE TOLD YOU. IT'S NOT SOMETHING SHE TALKS ABOUT. SHE'S A SWEET KID. ISN'T SHE GREAT? YEAH, WELL, SHE'S GOT A GREAT DAD. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) SCRAPING, THUD! AARGH! OH MY GOD! (BARKS) (GRUNTS) OH MY GOD. ARE YOU OK? DAD! (GROANS) LEMME SEE. LEMME SEE. OH, YOU ALREADY HAVE A BUMP. IT'S FINE. IT'S NOTHING; I'M ALL RIGHT. ARE YOU OK, DAD? YEAH, NO, I'M FINE. I'M FINE. LET ME JUST CLEAN UP THESE SPARK PLUGS SO WE CAN GET BACK ON THE ROAD, OK? THUD! OH! OOH! OH! JEEZ, I'M SORRY. YOU ALL RIGHT? OH, IT'S` IT'S YOUR LIP? MUFFLED: IT'S NO BIGGIE. IT'S MY LIP. YOU ALL RIGHT? MM. ARE YOU SURE? MM. HERE. OH, WAIT. HOLD ON, LET ME JUST` OK. YOU GOT A LITTLE CUT ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR LIP. MUFFLED: REALLY? YEAH. OH. MY LIP IS BLEEDING. YEAH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, IT'S JUST A LITTLE CUT ON THE INSIDE. I NEED A` I NEED A BAND-AID. YOU CAN'T USE A BAND-AID ON A LIP. JUST HOLD THIS ON THERE. MUFFLED: K. KEEP SOME PRESSURE. (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) (LAUGHS) WE ARE SOME PAIR. BOTH LAUGH MUFFLED: YEAH, IT'S THE GANG WHO COULDN'T SHOOT STRAIGHT. RIGHT, I'M GONNA TRY TO FIX THIS NOW. FOR YOUR OWN PROTECTION, JUST` CAN YOU STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE? BOTH CHUCKLE (BARKS) TOBY, TOBY. GENTLE MUSIC WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GONNA ASK HER IF SHE NEEDS A RIDE. DO WE HAVE ROOM? WE'LL MAKE ROOM. BRAKES SQUEAL HI THERE. CAN WE GIVE YOU A RIDE? THAT'D BE GREAT. MY DISTRIBUTOR'S SHOT. IRONIC, CHRISTMASSY MUSIC GENTLE MUSIC IT'S TOO DAMN COLD FOR CAR TROUBLE. TELL ME ABOUT IT. HOW FAR YOU GOIN'? JUST TO MY BROTHER'S, ABOUT 10 MILES UP THE ROAD. YOU GOIN' THERE FOR CHRISTMAS? CHRISTMAS? (CHUCKLES) NO. HE GOT A BRAND-NEW HD TV. WE'RE GONNA WATCH THE CAMACHO-FERRERO FIGHT. OH. YOUR DAUGHTER'S VERY BEAUTIFUL. (CHUCKLES) ACTUALLY, SHE'S NOT MY DAUGHTER; SH` SHE'S MY FRIEND. THAT'S FUNNY; I'M SURE SHE WAS YOURS. (CHUCKLES GENTLY) (CHUCKLES) WARM, CHRISTMASSY MUSIC (CHUCKLES) BRAKES SQUEAL SURE WE CAN'T TAKE YOU THERE? GEARSTICK CREAKS OH, NO, THAT'S FINE. MY BROTHER JUST LIVES A QUARTER MILE UP THIS ROAD. OK. IT'S BEEN NICE SPENDING TIME WITH A COUPLE OF PEOPLE WHO ARE SO OBVIOUSLY IN LOVE. (SCOFFS) MAKES ME FEEL ALL CHRISTMASSY. (SCOFFS) NO, NO, AC` ACTUALLY, WE, UH` WE BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER. WE JUST MET YESTERDAY. REALLY? MM-HM. SEAT BELT CLICKS (CHUCKLES) HMM, WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS. OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. DOOR SHUTS (SCOFFS) GENTLE MUSIC COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS THANKS. HERE YOU GO. SO, WHAT DO YOU DO? I'M A PHOTOGRAPHER. REALLY? WHAT KIND? MAINLY FASHION. THAT IS SO COOL. YEAH. I ALSO DO SOME CELEBRITY SHOOTS. REALLY? LIKE WHO? UM, A LOTTA PEOPLE ` MAINLY MUSICIANS. I SHOT AVRIL LAVIGNE AND JOSS STONE WHEN THEY WERE IN CHICAGO. WOW. AND ONE TIME I EVEN SHOT JOHNNY CASH. GET OUT. YEAH. THERE YOU GO. YOU SHOT JOHNNY CASH? YEAH. I LOVE JOHNNY CASH. YEAH, HE WAS AMAZING. WOW. THAT'S IMPRESSIVE. (CHUCKLES) YEAH, I'VE BEEN PRETTY LUCKY. YEAH, I'VE MET SOME INTERESTING PEOPLE; I'VE SEEN SOME AMAZING PLACES. STILL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I SAW MYSELF DOIN' WHEN I STARTED OUT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN I BEGAN MY CAREER, I WANTED TO BE THE NEXT DIANE ARBUS. WHO'S THAT? A GREAT PHOTOGRAPHER. SHE DID THESE HAUNTING PORTRAITS OF MISFITS AND OUTSIDERS. YOU KNOW DIANE ARBUS' WORK? YEAH. CONTRARY TO APPEARANCES, I'M NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT. I NEVER SAID YOU WERE. I LIKE A LOTTA PHOTOGRAPHERS. I LIKE ADAMS, EDWARD WESTON. I LOVE MARY ELLEN MARK. OH, I'M` I'M SURPRISED. YEAH, WELL, I'M A MAN OF MANY SURPRISES. (SNIGGERS) WHATEVER. (SNIGGERS) HERE YOU GO. MERRY CHRISTMAS. BIRD SQUAWKS DISTANTLY WOW, THIS IS SO COOL. IT'S A LEICA. CAN YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF ME AND MY DAD? SURE. CAN I HAVE A NICE FACE, PLEASE? CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ONE MORE LIKE THAT. CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS YEAH, THAT'S A NICE ONE. CELL PHONE RINGS OH! OH! WOW, I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD GET RECEPTION OUT HERE. WOW, I'M SURPRISED. BEEP! HELLO? CARA, I'M SO GLAD YOU` HEY, LORENZO! STATIC CRACKLES HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? OH. OH DAMN, I LOST THE SIGNAL AGAIN. CAN YOU BACK UP? I'D REALLY RATHER NOT. OH, LISTEN, THIS COULD BE IMPORTANT. IT'LL JUST TAKE A SECOND. PLEASE? I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. PLEASE? (SIGHS) (SIGHS) OK, BUT JUST FOR A MINUTE. WE'RE REALLY TAKIN' OUR CHANCES HERE. K, I'LL BE QUICK. JUST FIND THE SIGNAL. ENGINE RUMBLES OH DAMN. OH! K, N` NO BARS. NO BARS. OOH, ONE BAR! ONE BAR. GO THAT WAY. GO THAT WAY. OOH. OOH! AH! NO BARS AGAIN. WAIT, ONE BAR. OH, OH, ONE BAR. ONE` WAIT, A LITTLE MORE. A LITTLE MORE. OH, UH, AH! I GOT TWO BARS. I GOT NOTHIN'. I GOT NOTHIN'. I GOT NOTHIN'. OK, OK. OH! GOD, I GOT NOTHING! WILL YOU STOP YELLING AT ME? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M TRYING TO FIND YOU RECEPTION. WELL, YOU'RE DOING A TERRIBLE JOB. YOU WANNA DRIVE? (YELLS) CRASH! (BARKS) (BARKS, GRUMBLES) AMUSING MUSIC TYRES SCRAPE (GRUNTS) GEARSTICK CLICKS TYRES SCRAPE, ENGINE REVS GEARSTICK CRANKS, TYRES SCRAPE, ENGINE REVS GEARSTICK CRANKS, CREAKING HELL NO! (SIGHS) WHAT'S WRONG? WE'RE STUCK. (BARKS) CAN'T YOU PUT IT IN FOUR-WHEEL DRIVE OR SOMETHING? I DON'T HAVE FOUR-WHEEL DRIVE. WHO DOESN'T HAVE FOUR-WHEEL DRIVE THESE DAYS? I DON'T. IT'S AN OLD TRUCK. CLICKING DOOR SLAMS (BARKS) THUD! OW! THUDDING (GRUNTS) (GRUMBLES) (BREATHES DEEPLY) CAN YOU GET OUT? NO, WE CAN'T GET OUT. WHY'D YOU BACK INTO THIS DITCH? YOU THINK I MEANT TO? THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOU AND THAT STUPID CELL PHONE. GIVE THAT TO ME. NO. GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME! NO! NO, YOU'RE JUST GONNA BREAK IT! GOT THAT RIGHT. (BARKS) WILL YOU TWO STOP IT? (WHINES) (SIGHS) K, SO WHAT DO WE DO? WELL, WE DON'T HAVE A LOTTA OPTIONS. WE CAN STAY HERE AND WAIT FOR SOMETHING TO GIVE US A TOW. WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANOTHER CAR ON THE ROAD FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS. OR WE CAN WALK OUT. SCOFFS: YOU GOTTA BE JOKING. YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA? WHAT ABOUT HELICOPTER RESCUE? ARE YOU CRAZY? HOW 'BOUT THE MOUNTIES? I THINK THEY'RE IN CANADA. WELL, IS THAT FAR AWAY? HELLO! OK, FORGET ABOUT THE MOUNTIES. WHY DON'T WE SEND UP A FLARE? WHAT GOOD WOULD THAT DO? UH, IT MIGHT ATTRACT THE ATTENTION OF A ST BERNARD OR SOMETHING. WHAT, DO YOU THINK THERE'S ARMIES OF ST BERNARDS ROAMING THE MOUNTAINSIDE WAITING TO RESCUE STRANDED MOTORISTS?! OK, FORGET ABOUT THE ST BERNARDS. YOU'RE GRIZZLY ADAMS; YOU THINK OF SOMETHING. K, WHY WOULD YOU CALL ME THAT? HUH? I AM NOTHING LIKE GRIZZLY ADAMS. OK, FORGET IT. I'M SORRY I SAID ANYTHING. I JUST` I JUST FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS IS THE ONLY OPTION ` FOR US TO WALK OUT. THINK OF IT AS ONE OF LIFE'S LITTLE ADVENTURES. WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT TRUE. MY MOM'S PLACE IS JUST 10 MILES UP THE ROAD. IF WE START WALKIN' NOW, WE CAN PROBABLY MAKE IT BEFORE NIGHTFALL. WALK?! WE'LL FREEZE TO DEATH. GOT AN EXTRA PAIR OF LONG JOHNS HERE IN MY BAG. AND YOU'RE NOT GRIZZLY ADAMS (!) GOTTA BE PREPARED FOR ALL POSSIBILITIES. I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE WHO CARRIES A SECOND SET OF LONG JOHNS. YOU'VE NEVER MET MY DAD. HERE, I HOPE THEY FIT. WHERE DO I CHANGE? AMUSING MUSIC JACKASS. TAKE THIS TOO. HERE. (SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY) JERK. (SIGHS) BIRD CAWS IS EVERYBODY READY? YEAH. (CLEARS THROAT) YEAH. THEN LET'S GO. MUSH. AMUSING MUSIC CONTINUES WHAT? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU SAY? THAT'S WITH A DOG SLED. OH. WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU'RE HIKING? I DUNNO. 'MUSH' SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD TO ME. MUSH. COME ON, BOY, MUSH. (BARKS) (BARKS) AMUSING MUSIC (BARKS) AMUSING MUSIC CONTINUES WELL, THERE YOU ARE! (BARKS) (CHUCKLES) I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU WOULDN'T MAKE IT. WHERE'S YOUR TRUCK? IT'S A LONG STORY. I'LL TELL YA LATER. WELL, COME IN, COME IN. (CHUCKLES) COME IN. THIS IS ABOUT THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT I COULD GET. (CHUCKLES) HI, GRANDMA. HELLO THERE. LOOK AT YOU; YOU'RE GONNA BE TALLER THAN ME SOON! I HOPE SO. CHUCKLES: YEAH. I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET. MA, THIS IS CLAIRE JAMISON. MY MOTHER, RHEUDEL PULLMAN. WELL, WELCOME. JUST CALL ME SASQUATCH. (CHUCKLES) WELL, YOU DO LOOK A LITTLE SCARY. COME IN, COME IN. WE'LL GET YA ALL WARMED UP. BIRD CAWS FIRE CRACKLES SO, THIS FELLA'S ITALIAN? YEAH. MM, YOU GOTTA WATCH OUT FOR THOSE LATIN-LOVER TYPES. THEY GOT A GIRL AT EVERY PORT. OH, NOT LORENZO. HE NEVER EVEN LOOKS AT ANOTHER WOMAN. MM-HM. WELL, FOR YOUR SAKE, I HOPE NOT. (CHUCKLES) UH, HIS NAME'S LORENZO? YEAH. SO WHAT'S THAT? LIKE, LARRY? YEAH. WELL, ACTUALLY, LAWRENCE. SAME DIFFERENCE. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) SO, WHEN'S THIS WEDDING S'POSED TO TAKE PLACE? IN TWO DAYS ON CHRISTMAS EVE IN ASPEN. OOH, GOOD LUCK GETTIN' THERE. THE PASS IS CLOSED ` BIG SLIDE. THEY'VE BEEN WORKING ON CLEARING IT FOR DAYS. ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT I'M STRANDED? OH, CHEER UP. YOU'LL GET THERE EVENTUALLY. THEY'RE CLEARING THE HIGHWAY AS WE SPEAK. DON'T WORRY; I'LL GET MACK OWEN TO TOW MY TRUCK IN THE MORNING. I'LL DRIVE YOU THERE AS SOON AS THE ROAD'S CLEAR. THANKS. LOW, INTRIGUING MUSIC THAT'S A NICE LOOK ` EARLY MELISSA GILBERT. OH, SHUT UP. (SCOFFS) WHAT, DO YOU SLEEP IN LONG JOHNS? WITH A FLAP IN THE BACK. HUH, JUST LIKE GRIZZLY ADAMS. MY HERO. GOODNIGHT. GOODNIGHT. LOW, INTRIGUING MUSIC CONTINUES (GASPS SOFTLY) DOOR SHUTS (BARKS) ROOSTER CROWS (BARKS) ROOSTER CROWS GENTLE MUSIC (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (BREATHES DEEPLY) QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYS ON TV (CHITTERS) HERE YOU GO, SWEETHEART. HUH? WHO LOVES YA? THANK YOU. DIDN'T HEAR THEM LEAVE. WHAT TIME DID THEY GO? MM, MACK GOT HERE ABOUT DAYBREAK, SO THEY GOT AN EARLY START. HE SHOULD BE BACK SOON. OH, NO, NO, LET ME DO THAT. YOU RELAX. THANKS. DO YOU MIND IF I TAKE A WALK AROUND YOUR PLACE? NO. NOT MUCH TO SEE, BUT BE MY GUEST. DISH CLATTERS CARTOON CONTINUES PLAYING ON TV DOOR HINGES SQUEAK GENTLE JINGLING BIRD CAWS BIRD CAWS, HORSE NEIGHS CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS HORSE NEIGHS, CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS DOOR CREAKS WIND WHISTLES POIGNANT MUSIC FLAPPING FLAPPING POIGNANT MUSIC CONTINUES DOOR CREAKS, FLAPPING HI. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' IN HERE? OH. UH, I-I WAS JUST... LOOKING AROUND. I'M SORRY. YOUR MOTHER DIDN'T TELL ME THAT THIS WAS OFF-LIMITS OR... IT'S NOT, I GUESS. SO, WHO DID THESE? THEY'RE AMAZING. I DID. FLAPPING ARE YOU SERIOUS? I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE AN ARTIST. I'M NOT ANY MORE. THESE WERE ALL DONE A LONG TIME AGO. WHY ARE THEY HERE? THEY'RE BRILLIANT; THEY SHOULD BE EXHIBITED. THEY WERE. SOFTLY: OH, I... NOW I KNOW WHY THEY SEEM SO FAMILIAR. I'VE SEEN THESE. DIDN'T I? YEARS AGO? AT THE CONTEMPORARY IN CHICAGO? YEAH. FLAPPING BUT WHAT HAPPENED? WHY DID YOU STO LIFE INTERVENED. MM. AFTER ANGIE... AFTER MY WIFE DIED,... I JUST COULDN'T SEE THE POINT. AND THERE WAS HILLY. THAT'S RIGHT. WELL, I'D` I'D LOVE TO PHOTOGRAPH THEM. COULD I? WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. CARTOON PLAYS ON TV YOU GONNA WATCH TV ALL DAY? SURE. (TUTS) WHY DON'T YOU GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY? I WAS OUTSIDE ALL DAY YESTERDAY. (SIGHS) WELL,... THERE ARE POOR KIDS IN THE WORLD WHO'D GIVE THEIR EYE TEETH TO BE IN THE COUNTRY FOR CHRISTMAS. THEY CAN HAVE IT. BESIDES, I'M GETTIN' TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT GANGSTERS' RAPPERS' CRIBS. THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS PUT ON THE 'FOOD NETWORK'. YUCK. OR BETTER YET, GO AND FIND OUT WHAT YOUR DAD'S UP TO. WE NEED A FEW THINGS FROM THE STORE. (SIGHS) TV SHUTS OFF THIS ONE'S MY FAVOURITE. WANNA KNOW WHY? YEAH. I WAS MIDWAY INTO THE PIECE WHEN I DISCOVERED THIS FLAW IN THE METAL. SEE IT? HERE? OH, YEAH, I NEVER WOULD'VE NOTICED THAT. NO, IT'S SUBTLE BUT COMPLETELY AT ODDS WITH MY ORIGINAL DESIGN, AND I ALMOST ABANDONED THE PIECE, BUT THEN THE MORE I CONSIDERED THIS IMPERFECTION, THE MORE IT SEEMED LIKE A GIFT. SO I FOLLOWED IT TO SEE WHERE IT WANTED ME TO GO, AND... I KNOW IT SOUNDS STRANGE, BUT IT'S AS IF THIS PIECE OF METAL REVEALED ITSELF TO ME. I DON'T THINK THAT SOUNDS STRANGE AT ALL. NO? NO. WHAT'S GOING ON? AMUSING MUSIC I WAS JUST TALKIN' TO CLAIRE ABOUT THIS PIECE. OH, OK. YEAH, I WAS JUST` HE WAS JUST TALKIN' TO ME ABOUT THE PIECE. COOL. UH, GRANDMA SAYS SHE NEEDS SOME STUFF FROM THE STORE. OK. I THINK SHE MEANS, LIKE, NOW. TELL HER TO HOLD HER HORSES. I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE. YOU TELL HER. I'M GONNA GO PLAY IN THE CLEAN COUNTRY AIR FOR ALL THE POOR KIDS WHO CAN'T. (SCOFFS) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) FOOTSTEPS RECEDE WELL, GUESS I'M GOIN' TO THE STORE. GUESS SO. GENTLE, CHRISTMASSY MUSIC 'SILENT NIGHT' INSTRUMENTAL THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA. I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE. (CHUCKLES) IT'S JUST POPCORN. BUT IT'S SO FESTIVE. WELL, WE DON'T DO IT TO BE FESTIVE; WE DO IT BECAUSE WE'RE BROKE. YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOUR DAD WAS AN ARTIST. YOU DIDN'T ASK. BESIDES, HE'S NOT ANY MORE; HE'S A TEACHER. HMM. YOU LIKE HIM, DON'T YOU. YEAH, I` I THINK HE'S A REALLY NICE MAN. NO, I MEAN YOU LIKE HIM. I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU'RE GETTING AT. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. HE LIKES YOU TOO. HE DOES? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? ARE YOU KIDDING? HE ACTS LIKE A TOTAL SPAZ AROUND YOU. (CHUCKLES) WELL, THAT'S` THAT'S VERY NICE, AND I'M FLATTERED, BUT I'M ABOUT TO GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. DOOR SHUTS WELL, IT COULD BE THE WRONG GUY ` TOM: HO, HO, HO! YOU NEVER KNOW. OH! RHEUDEL: THERE YOU ARE. DID YOU GET ME SOME GARLIC THIS TIME? I GOT THE GARLIC. WHERE? RIGHT IN HERE. IT'S RIGHT BY THE... COLLARD GREENS. GENTLE MUSIC I JUST HEARD SOME GOOD NEWS. APPARENTLY, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE THE ROAD TO ASPEN CLEARED BY TOMORROW MORNING. OH, GREAT. YEAH, SO WE CAN DRIVE YOU UP THERE EARLY. THAT'S GREAT. YOU DON'T SEEM VERY HAPPY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DYING TO GET THERE. I WAS. I AM. I` IT'S JUST A LITTLE UNEXPECTED. WELL, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED ` THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY. SO, I GOTTA FINISH MAKING DINNER. ANYONE WANNA HELP? I WILL. RUSTLING, CLATTERING (CHUCKLES) FOOTSTEPS RECEDE WELL, I SHOULD GO CALL LORENZO. ABSOLUTELY, YEAH. K. YEP. 'GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN' INSTRUMENTAL THIS LOOKS GOOD. MM-HM. MOM'S HOME COOKING. WHAT, AREN'T YOU HAVIN' ANY ROAST BEEF? I'M A VEGETARIAN NOW. (SCOFFS) NOT IN THIS HOUSE, YOU'RE NOT. REALLY, I AM. DAD, TELL HER. IT'S TRUE; SHE IS. IT'S A MORAL CHOICE. UH-HUH, SO WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME, IMMORAL? YOU HAVE FREEDOM OF CHOICE. YOU'RE FREE TO EAT DEAD FLESH IF YOU WANT TO. (GROANS) (CHUCKLES) KILLIN' MY APPETITE, YOU KNOW. SO, DID YOU GET HIM? OH, I DIDN'T GET HIM. IT JUST WENT STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL. MM. WELL, SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME ROAST BEEF. COME IN. OH, THANKS. NO, THANKS, I'M A VEGETARIAN. REALLY, YOU TOO? YEAH. COOL. SO WHAT IS THIS, A CONSPIRACY? (CHUCKLES) SOFTLY) WELL, IT'S NOT A JUDGMENTAL THING; IT'S MORE OF A` I KNOW, IT'S A MORAL CHOICE. OK, WELL, YOU TWO HAVE SOME MORAL VEGETABLES, AND TOM AND I'LL EAT SOME DEAD FLESH. (LAUGHS) HAVE SOME FLESH, MA. (LAUGHS) 'GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN' INSTRUMENTAL CONTINUES (SIGHS) KEYPAD BEEPS PHONE: THE VOICEMAIL BOX OF THE CUSTOMER YOU ARE CALLING IS FULL. HILLY: DAD! PLEASE HANG` BEEP! WAIT FOR ME. (CHUCKLES) COME BACK. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. DAD, COME BACK! (CHUCKLES) LATER. DAD, WAIT FOR ME. WHOA! (CHUCKLES, SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) DAD, COME BACK. (SIGHS) (MEOWS) POIGNANT 'GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN' INSTRUMENTAL (SIGHS) GENTLE KNOCKING DOOR HINGES SQUEAK HEY. HEY. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? A PICTURE OF MY MOM. CAN I SEE? (SIGHS) WOW. SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL ` JUST LIKE YOU. I'M NOT BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE. YOU THINK? OH, I KNOW. STAIRS CREAK IS THAT GRANDMA'S NIGHTGOWN? YEAH. (LAUGHS) THAT'S HOT (!) I THINK SO. BOTH LAUGH GENTLE MUSIC OH. (CHUCKLES SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) OH, YOU'RE UP LATE. (CLEARS THROAT) SO ARE YOU. GLASS CLINKS CAN'T SLEEP, HUH? A LITTLE APPREHENSIVE ABOUT TOMORROW, I GUESS. OH. WATER RUNS RIGHT. WATER TRICKLES I HEARD YOU TALKING WITH HILLY. I REALLY APPRECIATE WHAT YOU SAID TO HER. OH. WELL, I MEANT IT. SHE'S A SPECIAL GIRL. WELL, THANKS, BUT IT'S REALLY NICE FOR HER TO HEAR THAT FROM A WOMAN. I'M SURE SHE'S HEARD IT FROM YOU. WELL, YEAH, BUT I'M HER DAD; I DON'T COUNT. YOU COUNT MORE THAN YOU KNOW. CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHIN'? MUG CLATTERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. WHAT? WELL, WHAT'S THE BIG RUSH? TO GET MARRIED, I MEAN. I DUNNO. I MEAN, I LOVE LORENZO,... AND I REALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF WHAT MARRIAGE REPRESENTS. AND WHAT'S THAT? BELL TOLLS DISTANTLY HAVING A PARTNER, SECURITY, STABILITY. HAVEN'T HAD A LOTTA THAT IN MY LIFE. CHUCKLES GENTLY: YEAH, ME NEITHER. WELL,... YOU'VE HAVE IT. YEAH ` ONCE. THAT'S BETTER THAN NEVER. THIS IS MY CHANCE, I GUESS. WELL,... LORENZO'S A VERY LUCKY MAN. (CHUCKLES) CLATTERING WELL, I BETTER TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP. OK. GOODNIGHT. GOODNIGHT. GENTLE MUSIC (MOANS SOFTLY) BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY (PANTS) SORRY. I'M SORRY. THAT WAS` THAT WAS REALLY STUPID. NO, THAT WAS MY FAULT. NO, IT WAS MY FAULT. YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. IT WAS NOT YOU. I'M SORRY. IT WAS MY FAULT, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? NO, IT WASN'T. LISTEN. OK. I'M` I'M GONNA` I'M GONNA, UM` TEARFULLY: I'M GONNA GO TO BED. GOODNIGHT. I'M SORRY. ME TOO. PLEASE. GOODNIGHT. SOFTLY: GOD. (SIGHS) POIGNANT MUSIC (BREATHES HEAVILY) (SOBS) (SIGHS, CRIES) (CONTINUES CRYING) POIGNANT MUSIC (BARKS) (CONTINUES BARKING) DRIVE SAFELY ` ROADS ARE STILL REAL ICY. THANKS, MOM. I KNOW HOW TO DRIVE IN THESE CONDITIONS. SURE, YOU DO; THAT'S WHY YOU BACKED INTO A DITCH (!) THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN. I HOPE NOT. GENTLE JINGLING OOH, HERE SHE IS. (CHUCKLES) OH. BOTH SMOOCH THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL WEDDING. THANKS. MM-HM. OH, SORRY. SORRY. (BARKS) (GRUNTS SOFTLY) COME HERE. SOFTLY: ALL RIGHT. YEAH. (CHUCKLES, SMOOCHES) (BARKS) (WHINES) NO, NO, COME HERE, YOU ROCK-HEAD. THEY'RE COMIN' BACK. COME ON, COME ON INSIDE. YEAH. HILLY, ARE YOU COMIN' OR NOT? BOTH SIGH (SIGHS) LOOK, ABOUT LAST NIGHT` NO, REALLY IT'S SILLY. YOU DON'T NEED TO` I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS` NO, ME EITHER. I WAS` I-I SHOULDN'T HAVE` NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU WERE FINE; IT WAS ME. NO, IT WAS ME, AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE` NO, YOU WERE FINE; IT WAS... DOOR OPENS NO, I WAS... WHAT'S UP? WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT? NOTHIN'. NOTHIN'. ENGINE STARTS POIGNANT MUSIC ENGINE RUMBLES TINKLING ENGINE RUMBLES ENGINE RUMBLES POIGNANT 'WE THREE KINGS' INSTRUMENTAL BRAKES SQUEAL SEAT BELT CLICKS WOW. THAT'S SOME HOUSE. MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST SAY GOODBYE HERE. OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. COME IN AND MEET LORENZO. YOU SURE? ABSOLUTELY. SEAT BELTS CLICK SEAT SQUEAKS DOOR BELL RINGS OH, IT'S OPEN. LOW, INTRIGUING MUSIC LORENZO? LORENZO? COME, COME. WOW. THAT'S ODD. MAYBE HE GOT UP EARLY AND WENT SKIING. ISN'T THIS GREAT? YEAH, IT'S AMAZING. LOW, INTRIGUING MUSIC CONTINUES LORENZO? INTRIGUING NOTE UH, CLAIRE, WHAT A SURPRISE. I W-WASN'T EXPECTING YOU NOW. I CAN SEE THAT. H-H-HOW DID YOU GET HERE SO EARLY? Y-YOUR FLIGHT WAS NOT UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON. I DIDN'T FLY; WE` WE DROVE. DROVE, OH. (STAMMERS) YOU SHOULD'VE CALLED. I DID; NO ONE ANSWERED. OH, WE MUST'VE BEEN SKIING. SKIING, SI. LORENZO, WHAT IS GOING ON? W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CARA? THIS. TH` THIS? O-OH, MICHELE AND I ARE GOING OVER THE SCHEDULE... FOR THE WEDDING. IN BED? IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE. SOBS: OH MY GOD! FOOTSTEPS RECEDE RAPIDLY NICE TO MEET YOU. (SIGHS) DAD, WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, SWEETHEART, SOMETIMES TWO MEN CAN HAVE THE SAME KINDA FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER THAT A MAN AND A WOMAN DO. OH GOD, IS THIS 'THE BIRDS AND THE BEES' CONVERSATION ABOUT GAY PEOPLE? WELL, YEAH, KINDA. PLEASE, SPARE ME. I'VE KNOWN ALL ABOUT GAY PEOPLE SINCE BRIAN MCCONNELLY CAME OUT IN THE FIFTH GRADE. FIFTH GRADE?! I-ISN'T THAT A LITTLE YOUNG TO BE COMIN' OUTTA THE CLOSET? I DUNNO, WHAT DOES AGE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE. YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S RIGHT. BIRDS CALL (SOBS) (SNIFFLES) (SNIFFLES) TAP! POIGNANT MUSIC (SNIFFLES) (GRUNTS SOFTLY) IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO? (SNIFFLES) TELL ME THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. I WISH I COULD. (SNIFFLES) I THOUGHT I CAME HERE TO GET MARRIED. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL. (SIGHS) SOMETIMES LIFE HAS OTHER PLANS. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH SCREW HIM. YOU'RE HOT. (CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES) DOOR OPENS CLAIRE,... IT BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE YOU CRY. PLEASE COME INSIDE. WE MUST TALK. WE HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. CARA, PLEASE. POIGNANT MUSIC CONTINUES YOU OK HERE? WANT US TO GIVE YOU A RIDE? NO, YOU SHOULD GO. I REALLY APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE ` BOTH OF YOU. (SNIFFLES) NOW, PLEASE, (SOFTLY) JUST GO. (SNIFFLES) POIGNANT MUSIC CONTINUES FOOTSTEPS RECEDE DOOR SHUTS CARA` DON'T 'CARA' ME, YOU LYING, CHEATING TWO-FACED ` AARGH! ` ITALIAN! HITTING ME WILL SOLVE NOTHING. MAYBE NOT, BUT IT FEELS REALLY GOOD. (GRUNTS) HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WAS MARRYING ME JUST A CHARADE? NO, NO, I LOVED YOU. I STILL LOVE YOU. BUT YOU'RE GAY. WELL, I WOULDN'T EXACTLY SAY 'GAY'. LORENZO. ALL RIGHT, I'M GAY. I GUESS I ALWAYS KNEW IT, BUT... I NEVER WANTED TO ADMIT IT TO MYSELF... UNTIL NOW. WELL, YOUR TIMING IS INCREDIBLE (!) PLEASE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, CARA. I WANTED THIS TO WORK MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. SO DID I. CLICKING KEYS JINGLE, ENGINE STARTS, HIP-HOP VERSION OF 'GOOD KING WENCESLAS' PLAYS HEY, DAD? WHAT? IT'S YOUR SONG. YEAH, GREAT. WELL, AREN'T YOU GONNA GET DOWN? NOT TODAY, HILLY. GEARSTICK CRANKS ENGINE RUMBLES POIGNANT MUSIC DOOR HINGES SQUEAK DOOR HINGES SQUEAK WHIRRING, GRINDING LOUDLY: 'DAD? 'DAD.' SANDER WHIRRS, RATTLES WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST WORKING ON THIS PIECE. HOW COME? I DUNNO. I JUST FELT LIKE IT. SANDER POWERS DOWN WELL, I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU WORK BEFORE. CAN I WATCH? WANNA HELP? OK. (CHUCKLES) K, PUT THOSE ON. CLATTERING THANK YOU. OK. SANDER WHIRRS WARM, GENTLE MUSIC CRACKLING (CHUCKLES) IS THAT FOR YOU, TOBY? IS THAT YOUR PRESENT? (CHUCKLES) RHEUDEL LAUGHS OK, I GOT ONE. RHEUDEL: YEAH? (LAUGHS) HERE YOU GO. OOH! AW. (CHUCKLES) LET'S SEE. WHAT COULD IT BE? PAPER TEARS WELL, IT'S... WHAT'S IT? IT'S EMERIL'S NEW COOKBOOK. EMERIL. HMM. I THOUGHT YOU LIKED EMERIL. WELL, I DO, I DO. IT'S JUST, UH, WELL, THE NAKED CHEF IS MORE UP MY ALLEY. THAT GUY IS CUTE. YES! YOU GOT GOOD TASTE, GIRL. BOTH CHUCKLE WELL, YOU CAN RETURN IT IF YOU WANT. NO, NO, HE'S A GREAT CHEF. I'M SURE THERE ARE LOTS OF WONDERFUL RECIPES HERE. THANK YOU, DEAR. MM. (SMOOCHES, CHUCKLES) DOOR BELL RINGS, TOBY BARKS WHO COULD THAT BE? I'LL GET IT. OH. (GASPS) MMM! OH YES. WHAT PAGE? 172. DOOR HINGES CREAK MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. DOOR SHUTS WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? I WAS HOPIN' MAYBE I COULD HITCH A RIDE TO CHICAGO. BY A STRANGE COINCIDENCE, I HAPPEN TO BE GOIN' THAT WAY. WELL, I GUESS TODAY'S MY LUCKY DAY. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) IT'S A LONG DRIVE. I LIKE CAR TRIPS. BAD ROADS. MAKES IT MORE EXCITING. NO LATTES. I LOVE FOLGERS. (CHUCKLES GENTLY) NO CELL-PHONE RECEPTION. WHO NEEDS IT WHEN THE COMPANY'S GOOD? WARM, ROMANTIC MUSIC THIS IS NOT HOW I THOUGHT I'D BE SPENDING CHRISTMAS DAY. ALL OF LIFE'S AN ADVENTURE. WARM, CHRISTMASSY MUSIC NO WAY. (SQUEALS) BOTH CHUCKLE AW, HILLY. LOOK WHO'S HERE. FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU TWO, INVITE THE POOR WOMAN IN. (CHUCKLES) COME ON, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER. (CHUCKLES) WARM, CHRISTMASSY INSTRUMENTAL CONTINUES UNIVERSAL HONEY'S 'BEST CHRISTMAS EVER' CAPTIONS BY SHRUTIKA GUNANAYAGAM. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. COPYRIGHT ABLE 2016