DANCE MUSIC MAN: Alright, everybody. Out on the dance floor. Look at the happy couple. No exceptions - up out of your chairs. (Infectious beat thuds) Whoo! (All giggle) Yeah! (Chirpy synthesiser kicks in) Oh, I can feel all the happiness in the air. Al-right! And look at him go! (All chant and cheer) (Sings) # If I... # I get to know your name # If I... # could trace your private number, babyyyyy # All I know is that to me # You look like you're lots of fun # Open up them lovin' arms # I want someone's son # I set my sights on yoooooou # And no-one else will do # And I... # I got to have my way now, babyyyyyy # All I know is that to me you look like you're lots of fun # Open up them lovin' arms, watch out here I come # You spin me right round, baby, right round # Like a record, baby, right round, round, round # You spin me right round, baby, right round # Like a record, baby, right round, round, round... # Hey, somebody get some pants on that kid! (All laugh) Whoo-hoo! (Sings) # And I... # I got to be your friend... # Grandma Molly, I'm talking to you! # And I... # Would like to move in just a little bit closeeeeer # All I know is that to me you look like you're lots of fun # Open up your lovin' arms, watch out, here I come # You spin me right round, baby, right round # Like a record, baby, right round, round, round # You spin me right round, baby, right round # Like a record, baby, right round, round, round # I want your loooooove # I want your loooooove... # Uncle Morty! (All cheer and whoop) # All I know is that to me you look like you're lots of fun # Open up your lovin' arms, watch out, here I come # You spin me right round, baby, right round # Like a record, baby, right round, round, round # You spin me right round, baby, right round # Like a record, baby, right round, round, round # You spin me... # round and round and roooound! # Very nice! Yeah! Good job, lady. You were shakin'! Whoo! It is gonna be fun today. (All cheer and clap) Now the best man's gonna say a few words. Put your hands together for the groom's brother, David! (All applaud and cheer) Alright, David! Yeah! (Grunts) Ugh! Whoa! Um,... when my brother, Harold, asked me to be the best man at his wedding, I was, like, ho-ho... of course, man. 'Cause you've always been there for me. Like when I was...in rehab, and like the time I couldn't find my car. 'Cause, Harold, you know, he's always been the dependable one. I've always been the screwed-up one, right, Dad? (Laughs softly) "Why can't you be more like your brother? "Harold would never beat up his landlord!" (Chuckles nervously) He's drunk as shit. (Chuckles) Oops! (Laughs, Coughs) But, ah... (Sniffs) Little news flash, Pop. Harold ain't so perfect. Remember that time in Puerto Rico when we picked up those two, er... guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember payin'. OK, how about that? How 'bout that? Yeah. Terrific. Yeah! What? I'm a person too, Pop, goddammit. I'm a person too. You're a moron! (All gasp) OK. The best man, everybody! The best man. The BETTER man! Heh, heh. Right. (Crashes cymbal) Whoo! Ah... Hey. We've all done crazy things, so... (Plays guitar) He's playing the guitar now. Isn't that great? Hey. (Laughs nervously) He's doin' good. Yeah? Sounds good? Yep. 'Cause I'm the best guitar player in the WORLD! Self-taught. No lessons, thank you very much, Pop! Alright... They'll be divorced in a year. ALL: Ooohhh! Very good. I think we all know that when you fall in love, the emptiness kind of drifts away - that's all I'm talkin' about. I've done some crazy things in my life too, but then I met a very special girl, a girl who I'm actually marrying next week. (Some applaud softly) Thank you, thank you. All I'm saying is when you fall in love, like you, the emptiness drifts away because you find something to live for - each other. The way I've seen you looking into each other's eyes all day, it's obvious you'll live for each other all your lives. (All moan sentimentally) So cheers. ALL: Cheers! APPLAUSE (Men whoop) That's a good wedding singer. OK, well, now on behalf of Mr and Mrs Harold Veltri, you guys have a nice dinner. George Chicha is gonna take over on lead vocals, so take it away, George! APPLAUSE SONG INTRO (Sings) # Give me time # To realise my crime # Let me love and steal... # Ugh. Jesus. Scary. Mmm. # I have danced... # Oh, I like her. # ...inside your eyes # How can love be real? # (Sobs) # Do you really want to hurt me? # WOMAN: Good save, wedding singer! MAN: Good job! Sammy, how come you're not out with your limo? That new waitress, that's why. Is she in trouble! She's gonna get it. She doesn't even know it. And I'm gonna give it to her. Take it easy. Who is she? She's Holly Sullivan's cousin. If she's half as easy as Holly, I'll close this deal by the end of the week. (Chokes) Ugh! Mmm, I don't think that's gonna happen. Oh, please. It's her first day. Takes them three weeks to realise they shouldn't date work people. You like being the guy helping them realise, don't you? Yes, I do. Wanna be like Fonzie, don't you? Yes, I do. You're on your way. (Makes kissing noise) MAN ON RADIO: I like old Coke better because it's old, and so am I. FALCO'S 'DER KOMMISSAR' PLAYS YES! Prime rib, please. TRAY CRASHES More prime rib, always the prime rib. Make them eat the fish. Three prime rib. Your wish is my command, madame. How come he's so nice to you? I let him see my boobs at the Christmas party last year. Not my finest half-hour, but it's been a pleasant working environment ever since. No. So, how's your first night going, cuz? Being at this wedding is making me realise that Glenn is never gonna set a date. I've been wearing this ring for two years and feel idiotic. You know what you must do. Relax, go to it. (Leers suggestively) Eh? I just feel stupid for moving here to be closer to him. You need a break. Get some air, I'll cover your tables. You OK? (Weakly) Uh...? You gonna throw up? (Shakily) Yeah. Come with me, man. SONG FINISHES # Give me time... # What?! Here we go, here we go, come on... You got it. (Vomits) Hey. Is he a friend of yours? No. I couldn't let him do it in front of his family. (Vomits loudly) Wow! Well, I'm glad I got to see it. (Laughs) OK. You all through? Yeah. Gonna wait a few years before drinking again? Yeah. Remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you. I got it from here. You go this way, you go that way. It's for the best. Take it easy. See you later. Sleep it off, pal. Hey, you know, wedding singer... (Howls like a wolf) GLASS BREAKS OK... Are you drinking too? No...it's Coca-Cola. Are you sure there's no rum in that Coca-Cola? I'm not a big drinker. If it was, I'd be puking more than that kid. Nobody could. I saw a boot come out of him. (Giggles) You're the wedding singer. Yeah. How you doin'? I'm Robbie. I'm Julia. I'm waitressing at your wedding next week. Cool. That's a beautiful ring, there. Are you getting married too? Actually, I don't know how serious the guy is who gave this to me. Right now I feel like I'm doomed to wander the planet alone forever. Oh, no. Kinda like the Incredible Hulk, huh? Yeah. Only I'm not helping people. That's not true, because I saw you inside. You were helping people. You were giving 'em...fish and coffee and forks. People can't eat without forks. And they can't drink without a fish. That's right...I think. What does that mean? Dunno. You lost me back at the Hulk. Hey! Hey, Robbie... Better get back. They're turning on George. # Do you really want to...hurt...me? # (People yell) Sit down! You SUCK! He's gotta learn a new song. It was nice to meet you. Nice meeting you too. If I ever get married, maybe you'll sing at my wedding. Oh, man, it's a deal. OK, take care. (Elderly woman sings) # There was love all around... # ROBBIE: Nice. # But I never heard it singing... # Very nice. # No, I never heard it at all... # Pretty. # ...till there was you. # Much better. You'll blow everybody away at your 50th anniversary party. If I sing to Frank without making any mistakes, he would know how hard I worked and how much I still love him after all these years. I hope, 50 years on, Linda and I are as happy as you. You will be. It runs in your family. You're a born romantic, just like your father was. Yeah? I know they'll be looking down on you tomorrow. I hope so. Are you nervous? I'm actually not that nervous. I'm around weddings all the time. It'll be fun. Not about the wedding. About the wedding NIGHT. Will this be your first time with intercourse? I... Oh, don't be ashamed! When I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I already had intercourse with eight men. You know, that's actually something I don't wanna know about. That was a lot back then. That would be like 200 today. Yeah. Ah...it's 5:00. I'm gonna get going. Oh, but your payment! My payment. Can I get it to go? You're such a sweet boy, letting an old woman pay you with meatballs. They taste so good, it's like I'm ripping you off, Rosie. I don't have any clean Tupperware. Oh, well, definitely next time, OK? Oh, don't be silly. Now, hold out your hands. You want...ah... Yes! (Mutters) Oh... (Chuckles) Thanks a lot. Oh! (Laughs) Now, please, take a bite so that I can watch you enjoy. That's my favourite part. Oh...OK. Well, I'll go with the right one. Looks good. That's a good meatball. That's a good meatball. (Laughs delightedly) Now! Listen to me, Robbie Hart. You're going to be a fine husband! I hope so, Rosie. Thank you. I'm gonna leave. See you at the wedding, alright? JOYOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC TYRES SQUEAL Well, thank you for coming in and taking me to lunch. Look at the picture of that girl. See? You're a lot prettier than that girl and she's getting married. What does pretty have to do with getting married? Everything! Get married before your hips start spreading and you get facial hair - which, by the way, comes from your father's mother. Looks like Magnum P.I. for God's sake. Well, I can't MAKE Glenn set a date. Well, you're gonna hate this idea, but I think you should consider... a fake pregnancy. I'm exiting the car. It's a means to an end. In five years, he'll thank you! CHEERY STRING MUSIC CAMERA FLASH EXPLODES DULLY Perhaps we should call her? Ah...she's probably got a make-up problem or her dress, or something. I know how she likes to look her best. It'll be OK. Robs... Hey, sis. Hi, Robs. I just got off the phone with Linda's mom. Linda's not there, but...there was a note. A note? Everything alright? Yeah, she's OK. It basically indicated that Linda...was... not coming today. So it was a bad note. Did she say why? I am so sorry, honey. It's OK. You want me to say somethin'? No. Just give me a second, I'll be right back. (People mutter) WOMAN: My God, she's not coming! Don't worry, man, everything's gonna be alright. (People mutter) It's OK, it's OK. (Roars) Yaaarrrgghhh! GLASS SMASHES (All gasp and exclaim) (Sobs) Oh, God! BILLY IDOL'S 'WHITE WEDDING' # Come on, it's a nice day for a white wedding... # (Kid yells) You can't catch me, you can't catch me! I'm gonna chop you up! Can we turn this crap off, please? That's right, Robbie. You have to let it out, man. Let what out? Your feelings, you know. About what that lousy bitch did to you. Don't call her that, 'cause we'll get back together, then there'll be weirdness between you and me - watch it. I made this for you, Uncle Robbie. Oh, thanks, Freddy Krueger. That's not nice! Very creative, though. Go back to the boiler room. I just wish I knew where she was, you know? Man, he's taking it pretty bad. I mean, he's acting like a real robot, or zombie, or something. He's been wanting to get married since the third grade. It makes sense. That's when Mom and Dad died. He wants to start a family of his own. Check out the cake. There's only a little groom on top. (Grunts) Mmm. (Billy Idol sings) # ...if there's something left in this world # Start again! # Hey...you're late. I'm sorry. I just couldn't do it. Well... if you need some more time, I guess I can wait. No, I don't need more time, Robbie. I never wanna marry you. (Inhales sharply and exhales slowly) Jeez, you know, that information might've been a little more useful to me yesterday. (Sighs) I been talking to my friends, the last couple of days. Oh, here it comes. And I think I figured out what's bothering me. I'm not in love with Robbie now, I'm in love with Robbie six years ago. Robbie the lead singer of Final Warning, when I'd come and watch you from the front row in your Spandex pants...your silk shirt unbuttoned... (Breathily) Licking the microphone like David Lee Roth... I still got the Spandex. I'll put 'em on. The point is, I woke up this morning and realised I'm gonna marry a wedding singer? I am never gonna leave Ridgefield. Why do you need to? We grew up here. Our friends are here. It's the perfect place to raise a family. Living in your sister's basement with five kids while you're off every weekend doing weddings at $60 a pop?! Once again, things that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY! The fact is, we grew apart a long time ago. You just wanted to get married, you didn't care to who. That's not true. I love you. Come here. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Hey, Linda! You're a bitch! Thanks, Petey. Go back in the house. He...he might have Tourette's syndrome. We're looking into it. (Sniffs) I gotta go. I'm sorry. SAD, WISTFUL MUSIC NENA'S '99 LUFTBALLONS' (Sings along to song) (Screams) Aaahhhh! Ah! Glenn! Don't be so jumpy! (Sighs) These are for you. Thank you! (Sniffs) They're beautiful. I have something else for you. Two airplane tickets to Las Vegas? (Hums 'The Wedding March') Oh, my God, Glenn! Oh, my God! I knew you wanted to set a date, so I saw the travel agent and I set it. Glenn, I love you so much, but Las Vegas? I thought... It's the romance capital of the world. I just don't want a big wedding - hundreds of people we don't know, just there for the free drinks, all you can eat buffet... They might as well be in Vegas. OK... Las Vegas it is, and it'll be great. Jules, are you gonna do the girl thing - you'll act happy and you're gonna be pouting on the inside? No! I'm happy. Alright. Let's get married here. I know that's what you really want. Thank you, Glenn. Thank you. It's more important to you anyway. Thank you. I promise I'll give you the most beautiful wedding. Even you'll have a good time. (Sceptically) Mm-hm. # Pass the dutchie from the left-hand side # Pass the dutchie from the left-hand side # The reggae music make me jump and bump # The reggae music make me jump and bump # You play it on the radio # I hear it on the stereo... # Hey, it's 'bout time his best friend showed up. How's he doing? I don't know, man. He's been down in the basement since it happened. Five days now. I think he's having some kind of...mental situation. You know, an episode, or something. Alright. (Sings) # I say, pass the dutchie on the left-hand side... # You better do something. I don't wanna be the brother-in-law of the town nut. I got enough problems. Shit! I got water all over myself. THE CURE'S 'BOYS DON'T CRY' PLAYS SOFTLY # ...to get you back by my side # But I just keep on laughing... # Hello? Hey. Robbie. You alright? Hey, these sheets are soft. You use Downy? No. Lower temperature. You can wash your clothes at any temperature and the colours don't run together. Really? Yeah. Now leave me alone. You have to go back to work. You know there'll be over 100 drunk girls at this wedding tonight. I got nothing to offer anybody. I haven't done jack shit since high school. Why would any girl ever marry me? MARRY you? I'm trying to get someone to play with your ding-dong. 'HOLIDAY' INSTRUMENTAL (Sings badly) # Holiday # Celebrate # Holiday # Celebrate # If we took a holiday GEORGE: # Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah # Took some time to celebrate # Come on, let's celebrate # Just one day out of life # Holiday # It would be # It would be so nice # Everybody spread the word # I live in my sister's basement # Come on... # He just had his heart broken. Why would he even think about coming to work? I don't know. (Sings) # Say a prayer. # (Band plays long chord) SILENCE (Applauds) (Others clap unenthusiastically) You guys are off to a great start, don't you think? I mean, Cindy showed up, so, right away, Scott, you gotta be pretty psyched, right? Hey, buddy, I'm not paying to hear your thoughts on life! I'm paying you to sing! Well, I have a microphone and you don't. (Shouts) So you will listen to every damn word I have to say! (Audience gasps and murmurs) MAN: He's crazy! You know, it's funny, some of us will never find true love. Like take for instance... me. And, I'm pretty sure, that guy right there. And that lady with the sideburns. And, basically, everybody at table nine. ALL: Huh? But, the worst thing is, that me, fatty, sideburns lady... and the mutants over at table nine... will never find a way to better the situation. Because... apparently we have absolutely nothing to offer... the opposite sex. (Hums in agreement) You're the worst wedding singer in the world! Sir, one more outburst, I will strangle you with my microphone wire. You understand me? (Audience gasps in amazement) Let's cut the stupid cake, 'cause fatty's gonna have a heart attack if he don't eat again. And while we do that, here's a little mood music. (Pounding drum rhythm begins) Whoo-hoo! (Band plays rock intro) Cindy and Scott are newlyweds. (Shouts) Whoopie-dee-doo! (Sings) # He loves her # But she loves this guy right here # And he loves somebody else # You just can't win # And so it goes # Until the day you die # This thing they call love # Is gonna make you cry # I hate you # I've had the blues # The wretched depression # One thing's for sure... # Love stinks? # Love stinks! # Yeah, yeah. # Love stinks! # Love stinks! # Yeah, yeah! # Love stinks. # Love stinks # Yeah, yeah. # ALL CHANT: Love stinks! # Love stinks! # Yeah, yeah... # SMACK! (Groans) (Guests gasp) Love don't stink, you degenerate! Love stinks! Love stinks! Love...love stinks! LOVE STINKS! (Groans) Hey. Hey. I was wondering what happened to you. Did everybody leave? Pretty much. Except for a few cops that are still interviewing some witnesses. OK. GARBAGE CLANKS AND BANGS I'm going to get the hell outta here. OK. It was your first wedding back. Things were gonna be a little shaky. A little shaky? I HATE weddings. I hate the bride, I hate the groom. I want them to be miserable, 'cause that's what I am. No. You're the best. At what? People eat prime rib and I sing. I mean, it's a joke! I can't do this anymore. Glenn and I set the date. So you have to play OUR wedding. Congratulations. I-I-I just can't do it. Alright? 'HOLD ME NOW' BY THE THOMPSON TWINS I'm having an engagement party in two weeks and I really want you and Sammy to come. SONG: # Oh, hold me now # Whoa, oh, warm my heart # Stay with me... # Oh, good, you're here. Robbie's here! Let's move it! The kids have been fed. But, if they want snacks, there's ice pops or microwave popcorn. Good. Going to the engagement party? Yeah, I'll probably go. (Shouts) Come on, Andy, move your ass! ANDY: Hang on, hon. I'm watching 'Dallas'. J.R. might be dead. They shot him! Goodnight. Love you. Love you. Time to make the donuts. I made the donuts. MAN ON TV: Dunkin' Donuts... ROBBIE: Hello? Hey, Uncle Robbie is here. Hey! (Groans) The Goofball Brothers. Is it true you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown? No! (Chants) Nervous breakdown! Who said that? Everybody's been saying that. Everybody? You're eight years old. You only know your parents. Is it true you'll end up in a mental institution? (Chants) Cuckoo's nest, cuckoo's nest. No! Hey, hey, hey, kids! Shh! Now, remember what we talked about? Right. Go and watch some television. Can I speak to you, Rob? Everybody. Yeah. I've been thinking about what happened. It's all for the best. Yeah... I know you were in love and everything, but that wears off. Me and your sister, we used to be wild. She was VERY adventurous. And we got in some crazy shit. But now the thrill has gone. If we get a second alone, we go to sleep. Yeah... If it's a special occasion, she might do this exotic dance. What? And, sometimes, she might, er... work with my nipples a bit. Alright, enough! Go out. I'll take care of the kids. Yeah. I dunno what I just said, but I said something. MAN: Look around. As the Favourites come out, it begins. Working as the Dream team. Nice! Ah. The flirt. Classic! Cadbury Favourites. 'TOO SHY' BY KAJAGOOGOO PLAYS Women have got a thing about marriage. If you want to stay with them, eventually you have to marry them. No big deal. Here's the girl who finally beat me into submission. Right. August 5 is less than three months away. We've got lots of planning to do. Do you think it would be better if you took over all the arrangements? Well, I'd like to do it together. Yeah. But you like this stuff. It's really not my thing. God forbid I screw up the flowers, I couldn't live with myself. He'll be so wasted he won't even know there are flowers. Oh, yeah. Up high. Hey, Glenn, I hear your bachelor party's the Friday before the wedding. You going to be alright with that? You might miss 'Miami Vice'. Nope. Summer. Reruns. I'm all set. (Laughs) Oh, great. Alright. Nice house. I told you this guy was loaded. In and out. I don't want to be here long. We'll pick up a chick and go. What do you think of the jacket? I don't know. Lose that glove - you look nuts. There's Julia. Let's go say hello. Hi, you guys! I'm so glad you came. Jason, this is Robbie and Sammy. And this is my fiance, Glenn. Hey, congratulations, Glenn. Thank you. Robbie Hart? I heard what happened to you at your wedding. That was so cold. You must have felt like shit. No, it felt really good. Thanks for bringing it up. My parents died when I was 10. Like to discuss that? Why would we wanna discuss that? I don't know. Hey, ho - someboby needs a drink. I'm not a big drinker. I am. How about an Alabama Slammer? Sounds good. Meet me at the bar. I gotta piss. Have a few drinks and drive home. Julia, thanks for inviting us. I'm glad you guys came. We hang out at work but we don't get to talk. Well, we should make time to talk, don't you think? LIONEL RICHIE'S 'ALL NIGHT LONG' PLAYS Know what? First time he saw you, he told me he was gonna hit on you. Really? That's not true. Yeah, it is. You said she was in trouble. She'd get it and she didn't know. He's teasing. I'd never say that. What? You said you'd give it to her. Give me what, exactly? Yeah? You're a jerk. You didn't know she was engaged? Now you won't give me it? Very funny. Say hi to your brother Tito. (Both laugh) (Lionel Richie sings) # All night long... # So, how are you doing? I'm doing...better. I don't know. How are you and Glenn doing with the wedding plans? Oh... Glenn isn't really... He's very busy right now. He works on Wall Street. You know how that is nowadays. Wall Street? Stocks and stuff? Yeah. Actually he's in bonds. He barely has time to sleep, let alone plan a wedding. So I'm kind of doing this alone. I went to Marshall's for the floral centrepieces. You went to Marshall's? You should go to Tony's. They're cheaper. Got a great selection. Alright. Well, thank you for the tip. It's a shame you aren't doing weddings. We can't hang out as much. Nah, we'll get to hang out. There's other things to do at the reception hall besides weddings. (Sings Jewish celebration song) L'chaim! (Audience cheers and applauds) OK, let's keep the fun rolling. Take it away, George. MUSIC BEGINS (Sings) # Do you really want to hurt me? (Audience grumbles) # Do you really want to... # You seem kinda sad. Why don't you go and dance? I asked that girl over there. She turned me down. She said she didn't dance with losers. Oh, man. That hurts. But, you know, why would you wanna dance with somebody who doesn't wanna dance with you? Listen, don't worry. You'll meet a girl who'll treat you right someday. I promise you. OK, buddy? (Audience cheers) You guys doing alright? Fellas, I want you to meet a friend of mine named Julia Sullivan. Hi, Julia. Could you come out here for a second? Say hi to Julia, everybody. (Boy wolf whistles) Hello. Who of you would like to dance with this fine looking woman? BOY: Me! Me! (Boys clap and cheer) I'd like to do more than dance with her. (Chuckles) Julia, sounds to me like you've got your pick of any man in this room to dance with. So, I want you to take your time and find, amongst all these young studs here tonight, the coolest, most unloosery guy in the bunch. OK. BOY: Pick me! Pick me! BOY: You're my love, baby. Please pick me. Please, Julia. Oh, please. May I have this dance? (Others grumble) OK, pal. Have fun. SLOW DANCE MUSIC (Sings) # I can only give you love that lasts forever # And a promise to be near # Each time you call # And the only heart I own # For you, and you alone, # That's all... # GUESTS: Whoo! # That's all. # (Chuckles) # All I have are these arms to enfold you... # Just go with it. # And a love time can never destroy. # Take it, George. (Plays clarinet solo) (Plays trombone solo) (Guests laugh) Come here, Big Red. # If you're wondering what I'm asking # In return, dear # You'll be glad to know # That my demands are small # Say it's me that you'll adore # For now and ever more # That's all # That's all. # To the new lord of the ladies! (Guests applaud) You're a lovely dancer. ROBBIE: Will you tell Glenn? JULIA: About what? About that kid squeezing your tush. (Chuckles) He did have very strong hands for a 13-year-old. I could see that. Hey, listen. Thanks for recommending Tony the florist. Not only were his flowers beautiful, he didn't overcharge. Good. I'm glad. A new girl in town could use that kind of help on everything. You got Holly and your mother, right? My mother lives 50 miles away and Holly's not into that kind of thing. That really only leaves one person. George? (Laughs) No. I would, but, you know, I just...I can't. I understand. I just don't know how to go about this. I'm afraid I'll pay $500 for a half-eaten wedding cake. I really gotta concentrate on getting more gigs. There's only four Jewish families in this town. Mmmm...oh, alright. (Claps and giggles) Yay! (Claps and giggles) Yay! WOMAN: I have never done it for that cheap. I know for a fact you gave Eric Lamensoff that price. I did not. Faye! Look at me. Look me in the eyes. I'm right here, Faye. Don't look away. Did you give him that price or not? (Grimaces) OK, just that one time. OK, so you got me. (Both chuckle) Can I say something? I deal with lots of people, but you two look truly happy. You're going to make it, believe me. How do you know? You can look at a couple and you can tell right away that they're going to stay together forever. Like Donald and Ivana, and Woody and Mia, and Burt and Loni... Well, we're not getting married. That's right. Actually, we're brother and sister. Oh, so that's it. I could sense a closeness. You know, when we were growing up, we didn't get along 'cause I used to do this. (Screams) (Howls in pain) (Both laugh) Er, we're gonna go now. Come here, sis! Hey, your ass is grass. I'm telling Mom when we get home. BIG BRASS DISCO MUSIC (Sings) # Whoo! Yes, it's ladies night # And the feeling's right # Oh, yes, it's ladies night # Oh, what a... Oh, what a night, oh, yes # Oh, yes, it's ladies night and the feeling's alright... # ROBBIE: I've never seen it from this perspective. Is this what I look like? No! No! No - you're much better than him. He's...ridiculous. # Honey, (in falsetto) whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! (Normal voice) # Romantic lady # Single baby # Mmmmm - sophisticated momma # Come on, you disco lady Set me alight, Momma # Yes, it's ladies night, Oh, what a night! # BAND PLAYS BIG CHORD Chaka Khan. Thank you. This is Jimmy Moore saying that ain't no sock in my garage. OK, take four, everybody. Jimmy, that was really good. Thank you. Hey, no. Thank YOU. For what? For quitting. Or should I thank Linda? My business has tripled. (Snaps fingers, slaps fist) Well, you've just inspired me to hire a DJ. So, thank YOU. Oh. Well, good luck finding a DJ who can move and shake like this. God... (Chuckles) How did you become a wedding singer? I think I got into it to make some money until my music career took off. And you want to be a rock star? Kind of just wanted to be a songwriter, you know? That's the hardest thing - to write a song. A song that when people hear it they go, "Oh, I know what that guy was feeling when he wrote that." Have you written anything lately? Yeah, I guess. Play it. You don't want to hear it. It's not good. I'm sure it is. I wrote half of it when I was with Linda and the other half after we broke up. So it's a little uneven. I don't mind. I'd like to hear it. (Reluctantly) Mmmm...yeah, alright. (Claps) Yay! AMPLIFIER BUZZES (Plays chord) I want to warn you that, when I wrote this song, I was listening to The Cure a lot. OK. Here we go. # You don't # Know how # Much I need you # While you're # Near me # I don't feel blue # And when # We kiss # I know # You need me too # I can't believe # I found a love # That's so pure and true # But it all was BULLSHIT # It was a goddamned joke # And when I think of you, Linda # I hope you fucking choke # I hope # You're glad # With what you've done to me # I lay # In bed # All day long # Feeling mel-an-choly # You left # Me here # All alone # Tears running cons-tantly # Oh, somebody kill me, please # Somebody kill me, please # I'm on my knees # Pretty, pretty, please # Kill me # I want to die # Put a bullet in my head! # I liked it. (Chuckles) (Cries) He's losing his mind. And I'm reaping all the benefits. THE POLICE'S 'EVERY LITTLE THING SHE DOES IS MAGIC' PLAYS Thank you for the ice-cream. It always cheers me up some. It's my pleasure. I feel weird being here. Linda and I used to come to get chocolate shakes. May I ask what happened with Linda? She wasn't the right one, I guess. Did you have any idea she wasn't right when you were together? I should have. I remember we went to the Grand Canyon. We were flying there. I'd never been before. Linda had. So you would think that she would give me the window seat. But she didn't. And... Not that that's a big deal, you know. There were lots of little things like that. I know that sounds stupid. Not at all. I think it's the little things that count. How did you know that Glenn was the right one? The right one? I always just envisioned the right one being someone I could see myself growing old with. Yeah. And...Glenn will be a really good looking older man. Like Blake Carrington. I'll probably look like Buddy Hackett. HALL & OATES' 'YOU MAKE MY DREAMS' PLAYS SONG: # What I want you've got and it might be hard to handle # But like a flame that burns the candle # A candle feeds the flame # Yeah, yeah What I got's full of stocks # Of thoughts and dreams that scatter # And you pull them all together # And how, I can't explain Oh, yeah # Where were you? # Whoo-oo, ooh-ooh-ooh # You make my dreams come true # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh # Well, well, well, you # Oh, yeah You make my dreams come true # Ooh, ooh, you, you Yeah, yeah, you, ooh # On a night when bad dreams become a screamer # When they're messin' with the dreamer # I can laugh it in the face # Twist and shout my way out # And wrap yourself around me... # I'll hire him - he's your best friend and the only limo driver in town. I just like having fun with him. TYRES SCREECH OK. Wow! Look at him go. Better move it, man. You're not going to make it. You hit two cones. This could've been people. Guests at her wedding. They were cones! (Elvis Costello sings) # Every day, every day, every day # Every day I write the book # Chapter one... # MUSIC STOPS That was fun today. Wasn't that fun? That was fun. I got the job, right? Yeah, you did. It's August 5 - a week from today. Cool! Someone left a jacket in the back. That's Julia's jacket. Remember - she took it off on Noxon Street? She said it's not jacket weather anymore. Uh-oh! What? You like her! No, I don't. She's a cool chick with a hot ass. Talk about her ass again, I'll break your neck. Anyway, she told me she likes you. Really? She said that? No! HOLLY: It'll be your first kiss as a married couple. It's perfectly acceptable to open your mouth. I would not want to do that in church, in front of God and our relatives. It would gross them out to see me like... Oh! No-one will ever solve that. (Sighs) KNOCK AT DOOR Hi. You forgot your jacket in the limo. Thanks for bringing it back. That's so nice. Yeah, it was. OK, see you later. Have fun today. Hey, wait. Wait a second. Maybe...maybe he can help us. You're the expert on this. We were having a debate about wedding kisses. I say an open mouth kiss is OK. It's an occasion where people dress up, so it's not appropriate. I see. What do you wanna do? I mean, thin, tight mouth and then it's over? No - thin, partially opened, no tongues, over. No tongue? Please. God, there's gotta be a little tongue. Well, maybe a little tongue. Not porno tongue - church tongue. "Church tongue" - I like that. Church tongue? What is that? I don't know how to describe it. Well, show me. Not on me! Hey - how about on him? You don't mind, do you? (Stutters) Come on, just hold still. Julia, go ahead. (Giggles) Come on, we're all adults here. I have to see it to make an educated decision. Well, if it's for educational purposes. Good. OK. Alright, you ready? I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. INTENSELY ROMANTIC MUSIC Wow! That...was...great. Julia, you should do that at the wedding. I gave her the jacket. GLENN: Hey, Jules. Hey, Holly. Hi. Hi. Hey. I kissed her, but it didn't mean anything. I just brought her the jacket. Kissed who? Oh, me! Who hasn't? I got you something. It's called a CD player. It cost me, like, $700 - but the sound quality's outstanding. You want to play a record? No, Jules, it doesn't play records. It plays CDs. It's a CD player. I'll be upstairs hooking it up. Julia! Oh, my God! Robbie is so amazingly cute! I think I should go out with him. Yeah, why not? You're single and he's single. Makes sense. Hey, if you don't want me to I won't do it. Why would I not want you to? Good. Then I'm going out with him. (Giggles) Who are you going out with? Robbie. Good. That guy needs to get laid. Excuse me! Just because he's going out with me doesn't mean he'll get laid. Alright - he probably will. Do you think he'll go out with me? Jules is chums with him, she'll fix it up. Hey, you guys. Let's all go on a double date. OK. (Blue Order sings) # How does it feel # To treat me like you do? # When you placed your hand upon me # And told me you loved me too (Audience cheers and applauds) # You thought I was a stranger # I thought I hurt you first... # Robbie, you look so cute tonight. Thank you. I like these rubber bracelets. You look like Madonna. Yeah, well, that's the idea. (Giggles sensuously) WAITRESS: Here you go. So, Robbie, how's your business going? I'm actually working on a game plan right now. Look into the bond market. That's where the money is. Glenn's in junk bonds. Jules, it's "high yield" bonds. Do I tell people you're in "junk waitressing"? My grandmother gave me a savings bond when I was a kid. I get $25 in 1993, so that'll be good. Whoa! (Chuckles) So, we TOTALLY look like a couple. Don't you think we look great together? Yeah. 'CHINA GIRL' BY DAVID BOWIE David Bowie playing. He's the best. You know, I think he's coming to town in September. I love David Bowie. (Both girls sing along to song) # When I get excited # My little China Girl, she says # "Oh, baby, just you shut your mouth"... # (Giggles drunkenly) (Chuckles) Shut your mouth. It's alright, we all know the words. God, I love David Bowie. He is SO sexy. You think the "time to make the donuts" guy's sexy. (Laughs) That guy is funny. You know who else I think is sexy - Robbie Hart. (Giggles) That's good. Thank you very much. I gotta go to the bathroom. Excuse us, guys. We'll be right back. It's OK. She'll feel better once she yaks. I hope so. So, er...Sunday's the big day, huh? I don't even know your last name. It's Gulia. Gulia? Julia's last name is gonna be Gulia. Julia Gulia - that's funny. Why is that funny? I don't know. Are you excited? Yeah. She's paid her dues. Been with me four years. I owe it to her to get married. You had the Long Island Iced Tea... Plus, you know, you probably... you wanna get married. I don't want to break up. She was with me before I made my money, so I know I can trust her. 'PRIVATE IDAHO' BY THE B-52'S PLAYS That is a luscious ass right there, isn't it? Mmmm, my God. That's Grade-A, top-choice meat. I'd like to bite right through that thing. (Growls) You know, chew on it. We can't get chicks like that. We're too old. I'm not too old. I can still get chicks like that. Not that hot, though. Right? I've gotten hotter. 10 years ago. Try 10 DAYS ago. Really? As hot as that? Hotter. And younger. How do you do it, man? How do you do it without getting caught? Julia's totally preoccupied with the wedding. She doesn't know what's going on. Oh, man. You know what sucks, though? Once you get married, the party's over, right? I mean... I work in the city, man. And I work long hours. Yeah. That's something. Hey, guys. Julia's feeling a little under the weather. Told you she was gonna yak. Yeah, you called it. Go get your car and meet us out front. (Audience cheers and claps) Oh, God. I forgot my purse. Do me a favour. Put her in the car with Glenn. OK. No problem. It's OK. 'LOVE MY WAY' BY THE PSYCHEDELIC FURS PLAYS I...puked. OK. Don't worry. I vomitted in my hair. Alright. Does my hair smell bad? No, it smells good, actually. Just feel better, alright? 'MIAMI VICE' THEME BLARES Hi, Glenn. There. Don't puke in the car, alright? It'll stink for a week. 'Bye, Robbie. 'Bye, Julia. (Psychedelic Furs sing) # I follow # Where my mind goes # Love my way # It's a new... # MUSIC STOPS So, Holly, what do you think of this Glenn guy? Think he's trustworthy? Yeah, he better be. Yeah. But who cares about Glenn? You know what I keep thinking about? What? That soft kiss from the other day. It looked really nice. Oh, yeah. Did it feel good? (Stutters) I don't know. I don't...don't remember. Could I refresh your memory? Mmmm. Yummy. So, you know Julia's staying at Glenn's tonight? Er... Look, Robbie, I know that you're shy. And I know that you've been hurt. So I'm going to make this really easy on you. If you come upstairs... you're gonna get laid. Wow. Nobody's said that to me before. (Giggles) Um... I just... I'm telling you, my head's kind of a mess right now. Julia's staying at Glenn's tonight, huh? Yeah. She stay over there a lot? Yeah. Really? Oh, my God. What? I can't believe I never noticed it before. What? You've got a thing for Julia. Oh, no, I don't. I don't. She's a very nice girl but she's marrying that jerk-off. Hey, you know why she's marrying him, don't you? The money thing? Security? A nice house? I guess that's important to some people. No, it's... it's not important to some people, Robbie. It's important to ALL people. Really? Well, then I guess I'm in big trouble. Really? Well, then I guess I'm in big trouble. HOLLY: Hey, morning, sunshine. I have a bad headache. A really bad headache. Can I cook you some breakfast? (Groans) How was your BOTTLE of rum last night? I didn't vomit on you, did I? (Giggles) A little on my shoe, but, luckily, I was wearing your shoes. Good. So, did anything happen with Robbie last night? A kiss. Who kissed who? Did you kiss him or did he kiss you? I kissed him. And then what? Nothing. I'll tell you, he sure doesn't think much of Glenn, though. Really? What did he say? That Glenn's a jerk-off. (Laughs) Why would he say that? I mean, who knows? Maybe he was jealous. Don't worry. I mean, I told him why you were marrying him. Why did you tell him I was marrying him? Well, because you love him. And...you know, because... because, with Glenn, you'll have security. But that's not why I'm marrying him. Then why are you? (Sighs) (Huey Lewis & The News sing) # I don't want to be lonely, baby # Please tell me # I want to love you all over # Do you believe in love? # Do you believe in love... # Hi, Rosie. How are you? Oh, fine, dear. Is Robbie here? I came to give him something. Oh, no, Julia. I'm afraid he's not. It's Thursday. You guys have your singing lessons today. Now he's gone to the city to get a real job, he doesn't have time to give me lessons. Why would you be good for this bank? I'm ready to work hard and I go all the way. I'll go all the way for you, sir. Do you have any experience? No, sir. I have no experience. I'm a fan of money. I like it. I use it. I have a little in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in. He wants to make money. You know, live in a nice house with wide windows and locks. You can't expect him to live forever with his sister and the nipple-twisting that goes on there. I thank you for your time. Sir, I need this job to impress a girl. Will you leave now, please? If you gave me business cards with my name on it that might help. OK. I'm going to look for him. OK? Tell him I'll give him a raise. THREE meatballs a lesson. How about I give you 10 singing lessons for one business card? Thank you very much. 'MONEY (THAT'S WHAT I WANT)' BY THE FLYING LIZARDS SONG: # The best things in life are free # But you can give them to the birds and bees # I want money # That's what I want... # Hey, Julia. What are you doing here? I went by Rosie's to find you. Well, I'm not doing that anymore. I thought that teaching was such a big part of your life. Well, it was. But now I'm doing some stuff to better MY situation. That sounds kinda selfish. It's not selfish. There's lots of money out there. I'm trying to get my hands on some. You don't want to be just another yuppie idiot. What's wrong with that? Don't wanna live in my sister's basement. I want a big house, have some security. Can't do that doing favours all the time, getting paid in meatballs. You're above all that material bullshit. I don't know - we're living in a material world and I am a material girl - or boy. No. You're not. What about you? You're into material shit. What do you mean? What do I mean? You're marrying Glenn 'cause he's got money. (Cries) You asshole! Oh, my God, she made me a present. I am an ASSHOLE! You're going to the mental institution. Beat it! BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S 'HUNGRY HEART' PLAYS # Yah! # Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack... # Rudy. Same? Two of the same, please. # Like a river that don't know where it's flowin'... # What's up? Hey. There he is. You alright? Mm-hm. You know something? You were right. You've always been right. What have I been so right about? Women. You just have fun with them. You get emotionally involved and they end up...they... What do they do to you? They rip your heart out of your ass. That's right. Did something happen with Julia? I went on that double date, right? And the moron she's going to marry actually tells me he cheats on her. But can I tell her? No. Who am I to break up her marriage? You need a prostitute. Anyways...I'm confused. Well, because you like her. I think I'm in love with her. But I gotta get that out of my head, you know? From now on, I'm going to be like you. A different chick every night, then send them packing. Sounds like you got it all figured out. I'll give them cab money to go home, 'cause I'll feel bad if I don't. But after that it's bye-bye, birdie. Bye-bye. That's it, man. Starting right now. We are going to be free and happy for the rest of our lives. I'm not happy. I'm miserable. Wh-what? See, I grew up idolising guys like Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino 'cause they got a lot of chicks. You know what happened to Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino? Yeah, I read that Fonzie wants to be a director and Barbarino, I think, the mechanical bull movie. I didn't see it yet. Their shows got cancelled. 'Cause no-one wants to see a 50-year-old guy hitting on chicks. What are you saying? What I'm saying is, all I really want is someone to hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be alright. If you've found someone you can love, you can't let her get away. You're right, man. Thank you, Sammy. Don't tell anyone what I said. SAD MUSIC Mom? Uh-huh? Do you really like Glenn? Oh, sure, honey. What's not to like? He's rich, he's charming, he's handsome. Now he's really got it all 'cause he's got you. (Sniffs) Honey, what's the matter? I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. Why? What happened? I just don't know if he's the right guy for me. And I've been spending a lot of time with this other man. Robbie Hart. (Scoffs) The wedding singer? You're thinking of leaving Glenn for the wedding singer? I don't know what I'm thinking. I'm confused. I know, sweetheart. You've got what is known as 'the jitters'. 'Cold feet' - everybody has them. I had 'em. Course, I should've run screaming down the street instead of marrying your father. But Glenn - he's different. He's a keeper. You're going to marry Glenn on Sunday, you're going to love him and everything's going to be wonderful. Where's your veil? Oh, it's downstairs. I'll go get it. SAD GUITAR MUSIC Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Mrs Glenn Gulia. Hello. It's nice to meet you. I'm Julia Gulia. Julia Gulia. Every morning you're the first person that pops in my head. I keep thinking about you over and over. It's nice to meet you. I'm Mrs Julia Gulia. (Cries) Hi. I'm pleased to meet you. I'm Mrs Robbie Hart. Robbie and I are so pleased you could come to our wedding. MELANCHOLY GUITAR PLAYS, JULIA'S LAUGHTER ECHOES RAP MUSIC PLAYS Yeah. Pretty good, eh? What happened? She just looked way too happy. I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, man. Hey, Rudy. Get Robbie a double. Actually, Rudy, don't even worry about it. I brought my own. You can't drink that in here. Alright. I'll finish up in the alley. You guys coming? (People laugh and giggle) Hey, it's the wedding singer. Hey, Glenn. What's up? Hey, Robbie. I heard you couldn't close the deal with Holly. What's the matter with that? You're not...? You like women, right? Not as much as you, I guess. We're having a pre-bachelor party party. Want to have a beer? You're ridiculous, man. Stop all this cheatin' shit, moron. She's a good girl. Hey, asswipe... (Others laugh and giggle) don't go snitching to Julia about this. I know you've got a crush on her, but face facts. She'd rather go to bed with a real man, not some poor singing orphan. (Others laugh mockingly) Alright, shithead, I haven't been in a fight since fifth grade. I beat the shit outta that kid, now I'll beat the shit outta you. (Grunts) GIRLS: Oh! OK. What are you doing, man? I'm sorry. I used to be much stronger. (Grunts) THWACK! (Guys threaten, girls squeal) Hey - why don't you write a song about this? You can call it 'I Got Punched in the Nose 'For Sticking My Face in Other People's Business'. (Others laugh and scoff) Sounds like a country song. THE SMITHS'S 'HOW SOON IS NOW?' Hi, Robbie. Kiss...my...grits. I can see that you're drunk. That's OK. I'm still gonna tell you this. I really miss you and wanna come back. I don't wanna be alone anymore. No...you're not alone anymore. Linda's back. DOORBELL BUZZES Can I help you? Is Robbie here? I'm afraid he's...indisposed. (Whispers) Shower. You must be Linda. Yeah, that's me. Robbie's fiancee. Who are you? I'm Julia Sullivan. Would you tell him that I came by to see him? Oh, yeah, surely will, Jennifer. It's...it's Julia. SAD, WISTFUL MUSIC Wake up, sleepyhead. This is the first day of our new life together. (Sings) # Wake me up before you go-go # Don't leave me hangin' on like a solo... # Linda? (Softly) Hi. What are you doin' here? Well, you passed out, so I took care of you. What?! Why did you take care of me? I told you last night. I realised I was wrong. I wanna care for you forever. I'll learn to deal with you being a wedding singer not a rock star, even... LEARN to deal with that? I don't want you to LEARN to deal with that. That's not how it works. Jeez! Robbie, maybe we should talk about this when you're feeling better. Hey, psycho, I'm not gonna feel better about this. It's over. Take off my Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx them and they break up. Oooohh, OK, so you're still pissed about that wedding thing. DOOR SLAMS DOG BARKS Glenn? Glenn! Good morning. Mmm? Hi. Good morning. Good morning. Hello. (Mumbles) Hey, baby. You gonna make breakfast, for bed? Um, no. Actually I've been doing some thinking, and... I don't need a big wedding. I think that I've been really selfish in making you do something that you don't even wanna do. You wanna go to Vegas? Yeah. Well, alright! Let's go. (Sings) # There were bells on a hill # But I never heard them ringing # No, I never heard them at all # Till there was you # Then there was music # And there were wonderful roses # They tell me # In sweet, fragrant meadows # Of dawn and you # There was love all around... # MUSIC FADES WOMAN OVER P.A.: Flight number 1156 is now ready for boarding. ROSIE'S SINGING ECHOES # No, I never heard it at all # Till there was you. # APPLAUSE JULIA: I just always envisioned the right one being someone I could grow old with. I know. I'll go get the car. Rosie...congratulations. I gotta go take care of something, OK? I know you do. Go get her! Alright. Alright! We have to talk! I can't right now. Are you back with Linda? No, why? Who said that? Julia went to your house to say she was falling for you. Linda answered the door - in her underwear. Julia was so upset, she and Glenn went to Vegas. But they're getting married tomorrow! Well, apparently that wasn't soon enough. 'RAPPER'S DELIGHT' PLAYS (Raps) # Hip, hop, hip it to the, hip it to the, hip, hip, hop # Up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat. # WOMAN ON P.A.: ...ready for general boarding. That's it, sweetie. Ready to go? Yeah. This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. Wanna do some gambling, have some fun first, or just get married? I just wanna get married. You won't find her. There'll be a million wedding chapels in Vegas. Anybody have a pen? What for? I got a song idea. Here. Thank you. Sorry. Can I help you? I need a ticket for Vegas, please. We only have one seat left, in our first class section. The next flight leaves in the morning. Can I borrow your credit card? You're gonna pay me back? No. But if you don't give it to me, I'll tell everybody what you said at the bar. Alright. That was really nice of you. Thanks. Do you like Flock of Seagulls? I can see you do. Wish me luck! Go get her! ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC Glenn... Do you mind if we switch seats and I sat in the window seat? Hmm...I hate the aisle seat. When that drink cart comes by it bangs my elbows. Your arms are smaller than mine, Jules. I know. I just never saw the bright lights of Vegas before. Tell you what, how about I let you lean over me when we fly over? OK? LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS SUDDENLY Hot towel? Thank you. Hot towel? Hot towel? Thanks. Oh, my. I'm sorry. Never been on first class before. My name's Joyce. Just buzz if you need anything. Thank you. Here. Thank you. (Grunts) Sir? (Whispers) Is that Billy Idol? I...believe it is. Oh, my God! Would you like some champagne, or orange juice? How much is it? It's free. It's what?! Holy shit, this is incredible! Actually, I shouldn't drink. I'm in love with this girl, she's marrying an idiot. I'm going to Vegas to stop them. That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. Where are they getting married? That's the problem. I dunno. I'll find 'em. I gotta do what I gotta do. SUDDEN, LOUD ROCK MUSIC BANG! Oh! Next time they come by, grab me a Heineken, will you? (Sobs) SUDDEN, LOUD ROCK MUSIC ...comes over to tell me, and Linda answers the door wearing nothing but my Van Halen T-shirt! (All moan in sympathy) No way! I dunno what to do! She's getting married. He'll ruin her life. Glenn doesn't deserve her. All he cares about are possessions. Fancy cars, CD players. Even women are possessions to him. Billy Idol gets it, I dunno why she doesn't. I hope you find her. You won't believe this. Some creep in coach who thinks he's Don Johnson asked me to be part of a mile-high club. He said I was grade-A, top-choice meat. Is he right in here? Yeah. What's the mile-high club? REVELATORY MUSIC Oh, my God! The mile-high guy is Glenn! They're here! ALL: No way! You guys gotta help me! Right! ALL: Yeah! SUDDEN, LOUD ROCK MUSIC BILLY OVER P.A.: Good afternoon, everyone. We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving up to 30,000 feet. We've got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas, and right now we're bringing you some in-flight entertainment. One of our first class passengers would like to sing you a song inspired by one of our coach passengers, and since we let our first class passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is. (Robbie sings to acoustic guitar) # I wanna make you smile # Whenever you're sad # Carry you around when your arthritis is bad # All I wanna do is grow old with you # I'll get your medicine # When your tummy aches # Build you a fire if the furnace breaks # Oh, it could be so nice # Growing old with you... # (All giggle and mutter) # I'll miss you, kiss you # Give you my coat when you are cold # Need you, feed you # Even let you hold the remote control (Plays beautiful, emotional guitar music) What the hell's that fruit doin' here? CRASH! Get out of the way! Excuse me, I must serve the beverages. (People exclaim and protest) (Grunts) Oh! CRASH! How you doing, sir? Chicken or fish? Watch out, Billy, you'll get hurt! Don't you talk to Billy Idol that way! # So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink # Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink # Oh, I could be the man # Who grows old with you # I wanna grow old with you. # (Passengers applaud and whistle) (All cheer and whistle) That was the most beautiful song! I got a confession to make. That song was about you. (Giggles tearfully) I'm in love with you. I am SO in love with you. (Passengers moan emotionally) That wasn't a bad song. I'll tell those record company guys about you. Mind if I give her a kiss first? Yeah, do what you gotta do. (Giggles) (All moan happily) SPANDAU BALLET'S 'TRUE' (People cheer and clap) SONG: # I know this much is true (Hums to music) # I know this much is true # I know, I know, I know this much is true # Oh, yes, I do # Robbie and Ju-lia, ha, ha. # # I heard you on my wireless back in '52 # Lying awake intent in tuning in on you # If I was young it didn't stop you coming through (High voice) # Oh, a-oh # They took the credit for your second symphony # Rewritten by machine on new technology # And now I understand the supernova scene # Oh, a-oh # I met your children # Oh, a-oh # What did you tell them? # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # In my mind and in my car # You can't rewind we've gone too far # Whoa! (Distorted) # Oh, a-oh-oh, oh # Oh, a-oh-oh, oh (Distorted) # And now we meet in an abandoned studio # You hear the playback and it seems so long ago # And you remember the jingles used to go # Oh, a-oh # You were the first one # Oh, a-oh # You were the last one # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # 'Cause in my mind and in my car # We can't rewind we've gone too far # Too far! (Distorted) # Oh, a-oh-oh, oh # Oh, a-oh-oh, oh # Al-right... # FUZZY GUITAR SOLO # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # It's in my mind and in my car # We can't rewind we've gone too far # Pictures came and broke your heart # So put all the blame on VCR (High, ethereal voice) # You aaaaarrrre # A radio staaaaaarrr # You aaarrre # A radio staaaarrrr # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # Video killed that radio star, yes, it did # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # In my mind and in my car # We can't rewind we've gone too far # Pictures came and broke your heart # So put all the blame on VCR (High voice) # You arrrreee # A radio staaaarrrr # You aaarrrre # A radio staaaarrr # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star # Video killed the radio star (Fades) # Video killed the radio star... # Supertext Captions by the Australian Caption Centre Copyright 2000 TVNZ Captioning 2009