(PEACEFUL MUSIC) NARRATOR: A great poet once said, "Christmas is a day that holds all time together." I never really believed it before now. People take from Christmas their memories of happy times and sad, past, present and future. A moment on this one special day could forever change how you see everything. BOY: Dear Santa. (SINGS SWEETLY) # I have a secret Christmas wish # I know you know it well # It's something that I want so much # I cannot even tell # If I believe with all my heart # I know it can come true # But if that never happens # Still I'll always believe in you. # NARRATOR: Sweet, eh? We'll get to that kid later. For me, my memories of Christmas will never be quite the same again. All I wanted to be was something else. Something better than I thought I was. This is my story, and it's all true. My name is Bernard and I'm an elf. (SNORES) Oh! What's that? Oh. Oh. (QUIRKY MUSIC) Oh, no! Mint chocolate cookies. -I slept in! -(BIRDS TWITTER) Not today. Not today! (MUSIC QUICKENS AND BECOMES FRENZIED) Oh, where the...? Blinking... Ah, there you are! (ALL SHRIEK) (GASPS) No pants! (FRENZIED MUSIC CONTINUES) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 (MUSIC CONTINUES) -(BIRDS TWITTER) -Wait! Wait-wait! (WHISTLE BLOWS, TRAIN CHUGS) (FOOTSTEPS PATTER QUICKLY) Wait up! Hold the train! Ooh! (SIGN HINGES SQUEAK) (TRAIN CHUGS AWAY) -Oh. -Huh? (TENSE MUSIC) Oh! Ah. Thanks. Merry Christmas! Excuse me. Sorry. Yep. Excuse me. Coming through. Sorry about that. Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, sorry! Morning, Blitz. (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) -(DOOR RATTLES) -(GRUNTS) (DOOR RATTLES AGAIN) MAN: Still no sign of the North Pole, Mr Baddington. (GRUNTS) Where are you, fat man? -(ALL GASP) -What are you staring at? Do something useful and get my mother on the comm. There will be no need for that. Mother! What a delightful surprise. You look even more radiant than ever. Luminous and brilliant. Like a...a...newly bloomed rose shimmering with dew in the morning... That's enough bottom-snogging from you, boy. This is hardly a pleasure trip. Need I remind you that you have a shipping empire to run? Since you have taken over the Quickest Airborne Delivery, the only thing you have managed to deliver is failure. Of course. It's still marvellous to finally have you here. Put a sock in it. Christmas Eve is the busiest day of the year for us, and here you are chasing a mystical flying elf. (DOOR RATTLES) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) -I'm here for the presentation. -Name? -Bernard D. Elf. -You're late. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. My alarm clock was broken. -And I forgot my pants. -(GASPS QUIETLY) Yeah, I'm wearing them now. -Down the hall... -Thanks! You're out of time! And voila! With my electrified chipmunk decoy, unwanted Christmas tree guests will be a thing of the past. One little nuzzle of the nose and he'll... -Good morning, everyone! -(ELECTRICITY ZAPS) (CHUCKLES) Ah...whoops. Ah, sorry I'm a bit late. I'm sorry, Bernard, but you've missed your timeslot. -Missed your timeslot. -Please! I've been working all year on this invention. It's my best. Better than the mind eraser invention from last year? (EERIE MUSIC) Santa sightings. Unavoidable, right? Maybe. But what if we could erase them forever? (ELVES GASP) Let's imagine that this toy doll is a little girl who's just seen Santa. -Now, one quick zap... -(ELECTRICITY ZAPS) (ELVES SHRIEK) Who are you and why are you wearing that ridiculous elf costume? -Hey. I'm wearing one too. -Me too. -We're all wearing them. -Where are we? Some kind of Christmas nightmare. What is Christmas? -It took us months to recover. -Months to recover. Poor Nutmeg still can't remember his own name sometimes. Isn't that right, Nutmeg? -See! -Please! I've worked on this all year long. -Oh, no. -No, say no. Say no. Don't do it! -You've got one minute. -Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT) Ask yourselves, what is the one thing Santa can't fit into his bag? (PONDEROUS MUSIC) The answer, of course, is memories. Christmas memories, to be exact. Every year, millions are created but where do they go? They get lost in our brains. And my machine locks on to our happiest Christmas memory and projects it right in front of us. Exactly what purpose does this serve? Raising people's Christmas spirits, of course. (CHUCKLES AND CLEARS THROAT) I need a volunteer. Ooh! -I'm not going. Let go! Ooh. -(MACHINE WHIRRS) Minty, thanks for volunteering. Mmm. Ooh. (GASPS) Great-Grand Elf's chocolate chunk cookies. (GIGGLES) They were my favourite. ELVES: Oh, this is great. I'll do it. I'll do it. -Come on, Twinkles. -Don't be a cinnamon twist. -(ROMANTIC MUSIC) -My first Christmas kiss. Give me that! (CACKLES) Yes! Yee-ha! Oooh, this isn't so hard. -(GRUMBLES) -Sir, please. Careful. No. No, no... Don't do that. Let me... No, no, no, no. Not now. Oh, man. (ELECTRICITY WHIRRS AND DIES) (DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE) (ELVES GRUMBLE) Ah, there. Back on. Just a small, um, uh, power surge. Can you believe those Christmas lights? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) One goes out, they all go out. -That will be all, Bernard. -All, Bernard. But it worked. It worked. You saw... And merry Christmas to you. Yes, sir. Merry Christmas to you. And I'd better not see you back here with another one of your hare-brained inventions. (GRUNTS) Santech is only for the greatest elf minds. Not... (SNIFFS) ..reindeer poop-scoopers. -SOLDIER: Poor fellow. -SOLDIER 2: Poor fellow? He caused the blackout on Christmas Eve. -Piece of junk! -(ELECTRICITY ZAPS) Ow! (GROANS) PASSER-BY: Ow! (WISTFUL MUSIC) (SIGHS) -(DOOR CREAKS) -(SIGHS) -(SNIFFS) -(SNORING) Hi, Dasher. Hi, Dancer. Prancer. Vixen. Hi, Comet. Hi, Cupid. Hi... Donner, where's Blitzen? -(MACHINE VOICE MUTTERS) -(GRUNTS) You're on my gingerbread basket. (MACHINE CONTINUES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Oh! That thing still won't translate to English, eh? Oh, jingle bells! I can't do anything right! (TRANSLATOR CONTINUES) If you're asking how the presentation went, prepare to be underwhelmed. As usual, I'm a miserable failure. My Christmas memory machine knocked the power out in the room. It was so embarrassing. But I guess I'll just have to face the Christmas music. I'll never be one of Santa's trusty inventors. -(GRUNTS) -(TENSE MUSIC) (DOOR OPENS) (SANTA CLEARS THROAT) Ah, Mr Claus. I'm so sorry, sir. I'll get that right off. Oh-ho-ho, that's nothing - you fly around the world behind eight well-fed reindeer as long as I have and... (LAUGHS) And you get used to getting hit with a few warm brownies. Say, what's this nifty contraption? It's a reindeer vocaliser. (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) You made this? How clever! Well, it would be if I could get it to speak English. Merry Christmas, Blitzen. Are you ready to fly tonight? (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) See! (SANTA REPLIES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH CHATTER IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Works for me! I speak all languages. Oh-ho-ho. Put down the brush and come with me. There's something I want to show you. Do you know there are tens of millions of children who celebrate Christmas every year? When I started, there were only a few thousand. Ever heard how I do it? Well, just rumours, sir. I haven't been snooping, if that's what you mean. I swear. I don't go near the sleigh. Except to admire it, of course. And I found a cup holder, which is a nice feature, but I don't look at anything else... Oh-ho-ho. I know. You're a good egg. Go on. How do you think I do it? Hmm? Well, uh, some of the guys think you teleport, but that theory isn't scientifically sound. Now, time travel, on the other hand... Oh, you're one clever little elf. (CHUCKLES) You know your stuff. Santech's very first invention. The Time Globe. Absolutely tip-top secret. It's what started it all. Wouldn't be able to keep up with my deliveries if it weren't for this. -It's real? Amazing! Can I see? -Oh-ho-ho. No. No touching now. This can also be very dangerous. Lots of rules to follow. A very delicate thing, the fabric of time. Once something is done, it cannot be undone. Only added to. Or if you were to interact with yourself, incredibly dangerous. Speaking one word to yourself would unravel our very... Well, we can go into that some other time, I suppose. Santa, why are you telling me all of this? Because, uh... Well, because you remind me of the elf that invented this. Oh-ho-ho. He was a lot like you. Though a bit older, if I remember. Oh, the other elves gave him a lot of guff because he thought differently about everything but... (CHUCKLES) But of course that's what made him so very special. You think I could be like him one day? Hmm. I don't know. It all depends on you. Enough show and tell for now. You've got to finish getting my reindeer ready for tonight. Yeah, of course, Santa. I'm right on it. -Good. Don't give up! -I won't. Shovelling the reindeer poop, I mean. The team has to be ready by nightfall to be on schedule. (STAMMERS) Oh, yeah, that's what I meant! Merry Christmas! Did you hear that, Blitzen? I remind Santa of a great inventor. And if he sees something great in me, then... Well...maybe I can be great one day. (SINGS) # Sure, now I'm an ordinary elf # Doing ordinary things # That other ordinary elves refuse to do # Like scooping up the reindeer... # You know what I do. But I # One day I'll fly up on his sleigh # Going up, up and away # And all the other elves will say, "Hey, look"... # (VOICE SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) # There he goes again. What a wonderful guy # How did he get to be the elf he is today? # That's when the future me will turn to them and say # Even a flea has prospects # Even a skunk has flair # Even a reindeer with a sleigh in tow # Can beat a crow in the air # So when even that crow has prospects # Shouldn't an elf like me # Never give up till you're up where you want to be? # Oh-oh oh-oh oh Oh-oh-oh # So if you keep on trying # Someone soon will see # You're not really a mouse. You're a lion # Rowr! # You can rely on me # Even a snake has prospects # Even a swan can bite # Even a tiny spider spins a web # That will hold you good and tight # So if everyone else has prospects # Wouldn't you all agree? # Whether you're two legs or four legs # Eight legs or more legs # Never give up till you're up... # (ELVES GASP) # Never give up when you're down... # (ELVES GRUNT) # Never give up till you're up where you want to be # Never give up till you're up Never give up till you're up # Where you want to be. # -(CLAMOURING) -(RUMBLING) (OMINOUS MUSIC) (CLAMOURING CONTINUES) -(MACHINE WHIRRS OVERHEAD) -(GASPS) (OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (LAUGHS MALICIOUSLY) Oh, it wouldn't be Christmas without complete chaos and utter panic. (SNIFFS) Do you smell that? -Cookies? -Hot cocoa. Hmmm. Well, you can smell those things too. But the more palpable odour is that of vindication. After years of searching, the secrets of Santa's sleigh will be mine. -Look, a Pancake Palace! -I should... We should definitely check that out. Probably a lot of secrets in there. There will be plenty of time for pancakes later. First, find the sleigh. It is, after all, what we're here for. I want to know how a man that big gets around the world in one night. Find that sleigh! Let's start in the Pancake Palace. -Good call! -(BOTH SNIGGER) Atchoo! (GASPS) (GASPS) (GRUMBLES) -(GASPS) -(ROMANTIC MUSIC) Why, you little... SOLDIER: Yeah, where's the sleigh? SANTA: You two are not being very good this year. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Kriss Kringle. (CHUCKLES) Can I call you Kriss? Let's have a chat in that quaint workshop of yours. We've so much to discuss. (GASPS) (FRANTIC MUSIC) Help! Blitz, we're under attack! (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) They're after the Time Globe. We've got to hide it. -(DOOR BANGS) -They're here! -(TENSE MUSIC) -(GROANS) (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) What a fine time to have a chat. Do you want to help maybe? -(GROANS) -(DOOR BANGS) They're coming. Oh, I just wish I had time to think. I just wish I had time... (MACHINE SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Not now. I'm thinking. (MACHINE SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (GRUNTS) More time! The Time Globe. I can go back and warn Santa. Blitz, you're a genius. Were you eating pancakes? -(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) -Moving in! -They're here. -Go, go, go! Oh, where the elf is it? SOLDIER: Spread out! You check that side. -SOLDIER 2: We're clear. -You got anything? -(TIME GLOBE WHIRRS) -Yes! There! Get him! (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS) (SOLDIERS THUD TO THE FLOOR) A twist here and a pop there. Need the directions. -Come on! Come on! -(SOLDIERS GASP) Why won't you work? (TIME GLOBE WHISTLES AND BOOMS) He's activated the sleigh. I have. How did I do that? -Get him! -Hurry! (ETHEREAL MUSIC) (SCREAMING FADES) (WHOOSHING) (PEACEFUL SNORING) (QUAINT MUSIC) -(SQUELCHING) -(GASPS AND SNIFFS) Oh, come on. I just cleaned up in here. (SNORES PEACEFULLY) (TRANSLATOR MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY) (WHISPERS) Hey! Hey, Blitz? Wake up. (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Listen to me. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure I've travelled back in time. (TRANSLATOR WHIRRS FAINTLY) Would you wake up? This is serious. This big scary man drops out of the sky. The North Pole is invaded. They start rounding up elves. All of these lights shine down and everything and... There was this girl who saved me and... You don't believe me, do you? (SIGHS) Come on! Wait. Wait, I can... I can prove it. I can show you that I travelled back in time. Come with me. (TRANSLATOR GRUMBLES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (DOOR SLAMS) (SNORES LOUDLY) -(GASPS) -I told you. You're looking at the world's first time-travelling elf. (SNORES LOUDLY) With the world's most obnoxious snore. (SNORES LOUDLY) Now, listen. It won't be long before those guys get here. We have to warn Santa and the others. Are you with me? -Good boy! Here! -(SNIFFS) Excuse you. You don't eat it. You just smell it. -Now, give it a good sniff. -(SNIFFS) Smells just like Santa, doesn't it? -Got it? Good! -(PANTS AND CHOMPS) Now, go find him. (CONTINUES TO SNORE) (STIRRING MUSIC) (SNIFFS) What is it, Blitz? (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) The Pancake Palace. We're looking for Santa. Not breakfast. (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Santa does love pancakes... -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -(DOOR BELL CHIMES) -(FUNKY MUSIC) -Welcome to the Pancake Palace. Try our strudel butterscotch chip and caramel-filled buttermilk flapjacks topped with powdered sugar, whipped cream and crushed candy canes. Or try the Santa special - steaming hot cocoa pancakes... No, we can't eat pancakes at a time like this. We need to find Santa. -(CHEERFUL CHRISTMAS MUSIC) -Oh, this isn't working. I'm too short to see everywhere. I need a higher vantage point. Ah! (CHEERFUL CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES) Hold it steady, Blitz. Ah, everyone. Can I have your attention? Good. Hi. I have urgent news. We don't have much time. There are people coming. Outsiders from, um... the outside. I don't know who they are exactly but they want to capture Santa and steal his sleigh. Not the sleigh itself but the secrets held... Gumdrop, this is Sugarplum. We've got a crazy on our hands. -You got eyes on Big Red? -I'm on him. -How does it look out there? -Not a creature is stirring. Not even a mouse. -(CHEERFUL MUSIC CONTINUES) -Welcome to the Pancake Palace. -(CROWD GREETS SANTA) -Santa! Santa! Hey! I'm up here. Listen to me. Santa! Blitz, it's... Oh, you are unbelievable. (VOICE ECHOES) Santa! -(THUD!) -Ooh! Santa! They're coming to get you, Santa. You're in danger. Santa! (ALL GRUNT) Lump of coal in the stocking. Threat neutralised. Nice tackle, partner. You. You're the one who... Take this marshmallow head back to base for questioning. (GRUNTS) You're making a big mistake. I need to warn Santa. Someone's coming and they're after the Time Globe. Let me go! (YELLS) Santa! (GASPS) ELF: Santa. Santa, sir. Your beauty stylist had to cancel. He has the chimney flu. Would you like me to reschedule? Blitz. Over here! Listen, you have to find the other me. I should be on my way to Santech for the presentation right now. You have to convince me to warn everybody about the invasion. (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) I don't know what that means but do whatever it takes. You understand? Stop me and get me to listen no matter what! This is more important than the presentation. Santa is in real danger. Excuse me. Coming through. Here I am. Oh, sorry. Go, go! (GROANS) (GASPS) Where am I? The Christmas Defence Department. The Christmas De who in the what now? You know how Santa knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake? That's us! I'm Agent Snowy. And you, little elf, have a lot of explaining to do. Well, I know what this looks like, but there is a perfectly logical explanation. I'm listening. First off, I'm from the future. Just to put that out there. -I believe him. -Huh? Oh, I'm being the good cop. Agent Shortbread, do you have his 'Naughty or Nice' record up yet? Just one second. Let's see. Bernard D. Elf. Hmm. Height - three feet. Favourite candy - gumdrops. Occupation... ..poop-shoveller. -Ahem. Director of droppings. -Excuse me? I prefer director of droppings. Disposal administrator. I am a professional after all. This one's a real piece of work. Claims to be from the future, something about a time globe. If there were such a thing as a time travel globe, which we cannot confirm nor deny the existence of, how would you know of its existence if it were to exist, huh?! That is the most confusing question I have ever heard. Answer it! (SIGHS) Santa showed me. Would Santa confirm that he showed you the time globe? He hasn't shown me it yet. He showed it to me after I caused the blackout in the Santech Building. (CHUCKLES) Oh, this just keeps getting better. And when exactly does that happen? -Huh?! -(ALARM BEEPS) -ELF: Oh, what's going on?! -Any minute now. -ELF 2: That's not good. -We've got a problem. We've got no power anywhere. The cloaking device is down. We're exposed! I need more power! (DARK MUSIC) (RADAR TRILLS) Sir, I think the equipment is malfunctioning. -I'm...I'm getting a blop. -You mean a blip? No, sir, it's a blop. It's far too large to be a blip. Put it on screen for Mummy. Mummy! There it is - the North Pole. Let me see. What are you talking about? I don't see any North Pole. What? Impossible. (CHUCKLES) Oh, look. Nothing. No workshop, no sleigh, no secrets. More failure. -Uh... -(BOTH GASP) If you do not have Santa's sleigh by midnight tonight you are cut off! You'll be living on a deserted island when I'm through with you. Is that clear? I will find it, Mummy, and all of the secrets it holds, then QAD will truly be the quickest package delivery service... ..in the world. Find that blip, that...that thing that we saw on the radar. Take me there now! Whoa-ohh! (WHIRRING) It's working. Power is restored to the hologram. -Were we seen? -It's too early to tell. It looks like you were right, Bernard. Bernard? He's getting away! -Hold it right here! -(ALARM BLARES) Ohh! SNOWY: Don't let him get away. FEMALE ELF: Get back here! Which way did he go? (ALARM CONTINUES BLARING) (SNOWY SNIFFS) Poopy whiff! He went that way! (ELEVATOR DINGS) -What the...? -Ha! Found you. Get him! (GRUNTS) -Get over here, you little... -Ooh! (BOTH GRUNT) Ohh! COMPUTERISED VOICE: Welcome to the Mailevator. (LIGHT CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS) COMPUTERISED VOICE: Elevator out of service. (BUZZ) COMPUTERISED VOICE: Elevator operational. Ohh! -(CLUNKING AND RUMBLING) -(GRUNTS) Ohh, arggh! (LIGHT CHEERFUL MUSIC CONTINUES) (GROANS AND GRUNTS) Ohh... MALE ELF: And I better not see you back here with another one of your hare-brained inventions. Ohh! Santech is only for the greatest elf minds, not... (SNIFFS) ..reindeer poop-scoopers. -SOLDIER: Poor fellow. -SOLDIER 2: Poor fellow?! He caused the blackout on Christmas Eve. It was me. -Piece of junk! -(BUZZES) Ow! Huh! PASSER-BY: Ow! They found the North Pole because of me. (SIGHS) (SING) # What kind of an elf # Runs away to sulk when he's not the best? # Who bumbles along wearing last night's dinner on his vest? # Insists that he's smart # When all other elves declare he's dim? # A kind of an elf like him # Head in the clouds, Bernard # Heart on the floor # Best to go back to the place you belong # Back where you were before # Time to regroup, Bernard # Time to repair # Time to go back to the poop and the shovelling scoop # And that whiff in the air... -# That's when the future me... -# Back to there... # Will turn to them and say even a flea... # What kind of an elf # Doesn't realise when the world's gone wrong? # Who flounders around # Like a dying fish to a silly song... -# Even that crow... -# You're best to realise... -# Shouldn't an elf -# All an elf BOTH: # Like me -# Never give up... -# Which is who # That elf aspires to be # What kind of an elf doesn't shy away from a mucky task? # What kind of an elf # Answers yes no matter what you ask? # What kind of an elf # Has the wherewithal to put this right? # An elf who'll fight and never flee? # A kind of an elf like me! # Mr Baddington. -There's nothing here. -Oh, it's here, alright. We are directly above the coordinates. We would see it, don't you think? Oh, of course. Silly-billy me. Clearly there is nothing there. I mean, any rational person would see that there is nothing beneath us but a bunch of mountains and snow and not a clever facade masking Santa's workshop. Surely not. Only a madman would think we will surely crash and explode into fiery bits and pieces if we flew straight down. -(MOTORS WHIRR) -(MEN GASP AND EXCLAIM) Aha! Huh? Merry Christmas to me. 1 (HELICOPTERS WHIRR) (ELVES SHOUT AND EXCLAIM) BOTH: Ohh! Arggh... (GASPS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Excuse me. Excuse me! Coming through. (GASPS) -MAN: Nobody move! -MAN 2: Don't move! MAN 3: Come this way, you two, now! (MR BADDINGTON CHUCKLES) Oh, it wouldn't be Christmas without complete chaos and utter panic. (SNIFFS) Do you smell that? -MAN: Cookies? -Hot cocoa? Hmm, well, you can smell those things too, but the more palpable odour is that of vindication. -Sorry! -Hey! There will be plenty of time for pancakes later. First, find the sleigh! -MAN: Come on! -Oh! Give it up! Where's the sleigh, round boy? MR BADDINGTON: Ohh! Why, you little... -MAN 2: Where's the sleigh? -(GASPS) Oh! SANTA: You two are not being very good this year! Ohh, ohh. (MR BADDINGTON CHUCKLES) (MR BADDINGTON SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) MR BADDINGTON: We have so much to discuss. We have something in common, you and I. We're both in the delivery business, but unlike some lazy-pants, jelly-bellied, holiday showboats, we operate 365 days a year. It's hard to believe, but once upon a time Christmas was my favourite holiday. Singing carols, eating fresh cookies... Oh, the memories. You know that for years I looked up to you? I wanted to be just like you. You were such a good boy. What happened to you? Hah! All-knowing, are we? Clearly not. What happened? I grew up. I saw through your phoney generosity, giving your worthless toys away, keeping naive children drunk with sugary sweets while you keep all of the good stuff to yourself! I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, no? How do you make it all around the world in one night, huh? Or fit all of those presents into one bag, huh, huh?! How do you fly? How do you live forever? Huh, huh, huh?! -Stop that! -Sorry, sir. Every year I wrote to you asking for the answers and all you ever gave me were toys. This Christmas I will have my Christmas wish. I will give the secrets of your sleigh to my mother and Quickest Airborne Delivery will be at last the fastest delivery service on earth! (RADIO SPEAKER SCREECHES) Neville, pick up, you moon-faced featherbrain! Excuse me. I have a business, um... A foreign dignitary client important person that needs my... ON RADIO: Neville! Pick up the radio, you dunderheaded dolt! Oh, hello, Mummy. Good news. I found Santa's workshop. Have you now? (BERNARD WHISPERS) Santa! Santa! It's me, Bernard. Bernard! Huh, clever disguise. Oh-ho-ho. Do you think you can get us out of here? -He's after the Time Globe. -I have a better idea. I think I know a way to stop him, but I'm gonna have to go back in time...again. Bernard, be careful. I told you, you can't undo the past, only add to it. I have to try. If I can stop myself from making it to the presentation I can... Who are you talking to? Ow! I see with that thing. How do you like it? Ow! You little... -Get that little rascal! -Come here, you! MAN: Catch him! MAN 2: He's getting away! Come on! (SIGHS) Great. A dead end. (TOY SQUEAKS) -(TOY GUN WHISTLES) -Eugh! Come out, little elf. There's nowhere to run. And you wouldn't get very far on those stubby little legs of yours. Ahh! Don't mind if I do. -(MOTOR CHURNS) -What's that sound? -(TYRES SQUEAL) -(HORN TOOTS) Oof! I'm going back, Santa! If I destroy the memory device I can stop the presentation. Good luck, Bernard! (GRUNTS) MAN: Don't move, beardy. -Oh! (TOOTS HORN) -Oh, whoa! -(TYRES SCREECH) -Get him! Come here! (CHUCKLES) Huh! Get that elf! -MEN: Ohh! -(GASPS) Ooh! -(CREAKING) -Oh! Arggh! 'Snow' long! (LAUGHS) Arggh! Ooh! -They're coming! -MAN: Hold it! Come here! -MAN 2: Get him! -Huh! -Move it in. -Here, here! Go, go, go! Yes! Come on, Bernard. Just a few more seconds. (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) MEN: Ohh! Deck the halls! I made it! Arggh! Ooh! What did you do that for? MAN: He's activated the sleigh! I have? How did I do that? Ohh! -Get him! -Follow me! -(GRUNTS) -MAN: Don't move! Ohh! (WHIRRING) Oh, my whole life and I had to repeat this day three times. -Watch out for the... -(SQUISH) Oh, come on. I just cleaned up in here. Well, duh! You went back in time. (SNORES LOUDLY) (CLOCK TICKS) Nah, too loud. (ALARM CLOCK RINGS) What are you doing here? I expressly ordered nine ladies dancing. (SNORTS) (SNORES) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) (CONTINUES SNORING) I told you. You're looking at the world's first time-travelling elf. (ELVES CHATTER INDISTINCTLY) (GRUNTS) Excuse you! You don't eat it. Oh! Good. Now go find him. Ooh... Ohh! Oh, what...what's that? Ohh. Oh, no! -Arggh! -Chocolate cookies! I slept in! Not today, not today. Oh, where the blinking... Ah, there you are. Oh, now I'll never stop the presentation. (ALL SHRIEK) (GASPS) No pants! No pants! Ooh. (FRANTIC MUSIC) Huh! Oh! Huh! ALL: Huh? (PANTS) I've got a presentation to stop... ..if I can just get there first. Ooh, this is gonna sting. (CONDUCTOR'S WHISTLE BLOWS) -(TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS) -Wait! Wait up! Wait up! Hold the train! Ooh! Oh, sorry. (TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS) Oh! (CLOCK TICKS) -Huh! -Ooh! That way! Ooh! Morning, Blitz! 1 Ooh... Ow. (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Oh, how long have I been out? Oh, great. It happened again! Ow! What did you do that for anyway, jumping on me like that? -Have you lost your mind? -(TRANSLATOR SPEAKS) (LAUGHS) Me? What, it was my fault? You are ridiculous. BERNARD'S VOICE: Listen. You have to find the other me. Stop me and get me to listen to you no matter what. It was my fault. You just got the wrong me. TRANSLATOR: Ohh... What's the point of having a time machine if you can't go back and prevent things from happening? Hah, there are the lights. Brilliant! Disaster is right on schedule. (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Oh, just leave me alone, would you? You should stay away, as far away from me as possible if you know what's good for you. Just go back to the stables before I mess everything up for you too. Can't you see what a muck-up I am? Go...go on, Blitz. Go on, will you? GO! MALE ELF: Santech is only for the greatest elf minds, not... (SNIFFS) ..reindeer poop-scoopers. Could this day get any worse? -(BUZZ) -BERNARD: Ow! (GRUNT) SNOWY: Wake up, Bernard! Oh! (GRUNTS) Thought you could get away, did you? Well, Bernard, if you are indeed innocent how do you explain this, huh? We found this outside Santech. We believe you intentionally caused the blackout that disabled the cloaking hologram. (SIGHS) I'm not the one you should be worried about. Neville Baddington. He's the one you should be worried about. Who's that? Neville Baddington. Height - 6'1". Weight... Blah, blah, blah. Oh, here we go. Heir to the Quickest Airborne Delivery empire. (DRAMATIC FANFARE PLAYS) REPORTER: Globetrotting millionaire and all around eccentric heir to the Quickest Airborne Delivery Service Neville Baddington claims, "I can find Santa Claus." You heard it right, folks. This particular purveyor of parcels looks to unlock the secrets of Santa's speedy sleigh. NEVILLE ON REPORT: I've been documenting him for years. I have photographic proof here, here and here. -Huh? -That's him. He wants to learn how Santa travels around the world in one night. -(COMPUTER ALARM BLARES) -(GASPS) -Sir, I think we've got a blip. -A blip? Uh, I think it looks more like a blop. NEVILLE: Oh, of course. Silly-billy me. Clearly there is nothing there. I mean, any rational person would see that there is nothing beneath us but a bunch of mountains and snow and not a clever facade masking Santa's workshop. Surely not. Only a madman would think we will surely crash and explode into fiery bits and pieces if we flew straight down. -(MOTORS WHIRR) -(MEN GASP AND EXCLAIM) (ALARM BLARES) Sir, someone has breached the hologram. Put it on screen. It's an invasion. Everybody panic! Don't we have a plan for this? For an invasion of the North Pole? Who plans for that?! -ELF: Run! Run fast! -ELF 2: Look out! ELF 3: Out of my way, out of my way! Bernard, you must know some way we can stop Neville Baddington. You can't. I've tried everything...three times. What's gotten into you? Earlier you were so desperate to save Santa and now you just don't care? I failed. There's nothing I can do. He's going to invade. Ohh. I'm sorry. It's like Santa said. Once something is done, it can't be undone. (SIGHS) I'm no hero. I'm just a poop-scooper. (SINGS) # Say you've got another shot # At saving Christmas Eve in you # These other elves, they don't know where to turn # Take a good long look at me 'cause somehow I believe in you # That kind of elf belief you have to earn # So stop and think 'cause you know what's in store # And an elf with that much vision # Is an elf worth fighting for # But before I do the big hard sell for you # I need to know What kind of elf are you? # Sink or swim? Do or die? # Make a stand or stand by? # When everyone around you wants to run and hide # It's time to decide what kind of elf you wanna be # You've got brains I know you have # You've brains enough for two in there # So come up with a plan to save the day, yeah # Think back over everything There has to be a clue in there # You find it and we're with you all the way # So stop and think of the children big and small # 'Cause a Christmas without Santa # Doesn't sound much fun at all # Sink or swim? Do or die? # Worth a shot, worth a try # When everyone around you wants to run and hide # It's time to decide what kind of elf... # (SINGS) # Look If you say that you trust me # Then, OK, I'll trust you too # As long as children -# As long as children believe -# Believe in Santa BOTH: # Then I won't give up on you... # (ELVES CONTINUE YELLING AND PANICKING) REPORTER: Is it true your mother is the real CEO of QAD? Excellent question. Let me think. Get over here, you pesky little good-for-nothing... REPORTER: Someone seems to have lost their Christmas spirit. Holy eggnog! That's it! He has Christmas spirit, but it's lost in his brain. -(GASPS) -I know how to stop Neville. -(ELVES YELL AND SHOUT) -Quiet down! Calm down, everyone! I've got it. This memory machine caused it and it can end it. But I need help fixing it. Who's with me? -(BOTH GASP) -Go, go, go! -# So stop! -# Stop! # I can put this right # I swear to you I'll have the big man flying high tonight # Sink or swim? Do or die? # Rally round or say goodbye? # Each one of you's a hero if you only knew # So who's on my crew? I need you and you and you and you and # Sink or swim? Do or die? # What a team You and you and you and I # When everyone around you wants to run and hide # It's time to decide what kind of elf you wanna be # Are you an oaf like that? # Or an elf like me? # 1 (HELICOPTERS WHIRR) BOTH: Ohh! Arggh... (GASPS) (ELVES SHOUT AND EXCLAIM) BERNARD: Quickly - we have to get to the sleigh before Neville does. (ELVES PANT) The coast is clear. Move! MAN: Secure the front door! Go, go, go! (GASPS) Hurry, everyone. Blend in. MAN: Nothing here. Check there. Oh... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) -Oh! -Here he comes! MAN: You two, stop right where you are! Nobody move. -Huh? Eugh! -Huh? Pucker up, you wee lass. (CHUCKLES) -(SNOWY CHUCKLES) -Shh! MAN: What's behind this door? Open this door! MAN 2: Over there now! MAN 3: To the right over there. -MAN: Move it in. -MAN 2: You, don't move! MAN 3: Come this way, you two, now, now, now! (CHUCKLES) Oh, it wouldn't be Christmas without complete chaos and utter panic. (SNIFFS) Do you smell that? I don't think this is going to work. There's too many of them and, frankly, too many of me. You're right. The only way around this is to jump from the roof. BERNARD: Really? The only way? No way. No roof. Ooh! No, I'm a delicate snowflake. -Hey! -Sorry! NEVILLE: I want to know how a man that big gets around the world in one night. Find that sleigh! MAN: Let's start in the Pancake Palace. -MAN 2: Good call. -(SNEEZES) (GASPS) -Ohh! -(GASPS) -Why, you little... -MAN: Yeah, where's the sleigh? SANTA: You two are not being very good this year! Ohh, ohh! Santa! (GRUNTS) Ohh! That...that really is high. Step aside, please. Huh! Hmm. -(DEVICE BEEPS) -There we go. How much do you weigh? 15... Um, 42.1...ish. That should hold...probably. (EXCITING MUSIC) OK, let's do this. Arggh! Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! -(TYRES SCREECH) -Oh, no! Not now! (GASPS) (EXCITING MUSIC CONTINUES) Oh, poo! (CREAKING) Oh! Ooh! -(ALL GRUNT) -Hold on! Ooh! Oh! Oh! Ohh! Ooh! Oh! -Shiny! -Oh! Hold on. I've got you. -Good luck! -Thanks! (ALL GRUNT) Are you sure he's just a poop-shoveller? Whoa-oh-oh! Ohh! How do I stop this thing? Arggh! Ooh! MAN: Come on! Oh... Ooh! I guess that was the only way. -Follow me! -Right here! (TYRES SQUEAL IN DISTANCE) (GRUNTS) Oh! Fine time to have a chat. Do you wanna help maybe? -(THUD AT DOOR) -BERNARD: They're coming! Oh! BERNARD: Oh, I just wish I had time to think. I just wish I had time. (TRANSLATOR SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Not now. I'm thinking. TRANSLATOR: Oh! Ooh! More time. The Time Globe. I can go back and warn Santa. Blitz, you're a genius! (GRUNTS) Were you eating pancakes? -(BOTH GRUNT) -Move it in! -Over here! -Go, go, go, go! BERNARD: Oh, where the elf is it? MAN: Spread out. You check that side. MAN 2: We're clear. -MAN 1: Got anything? -MAN: Where is it? Yes! -There! -Get him! (CHATTER ON TRANSLATOR) (MEN GRUNT) Ooh! Whoa! Arggh! Ooh! Arggh! Oh! What did you do that for? MAN: He's activated the sleigh! -Get him! -Follow me! -Oh! -Don't move! (MEN YELL) (GRUNTS) -Arggh! -MEN: Whoa! (ALL GROAN) What is this? I turn my back for two seconds and you're having a little nap. Hey, stop that elf! (GASPS AND GRUNTS) You! (CHATTER ON TRANSLATOR) Yes, you, you tick-infested nitwit. Pull the sleigh outside. I want everybody to see my triumph. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (ELVES GASP) Witness, all of you, Santa's sleigh and all its secrets beneath my icy boots, Neville Baddington, CEO and majority stockholder in the world's soon-to-be biggest... ..nay, ONLY package delivery mega corporation. You can almost hear the "whoosh!" of packages whizzing around the world at the speed of Santa 365 days a year. Hah! And Mother, if her tear ducts do in fact exist, tears of pride will stream down her sweet prunish cheeks as she embraces me with her jagged, bony frame. "Good job, Neville," she'll whisper. As of this moment, Christmas is outsourced. (DARK MUSIC) Oh! "Dear Neville, what I want for Christmas "is to be able to go back in time "and tell you the secrets of the North Pole. "Love, Santa." "Dear Santa, too late." BERNARD: Actually, it's not too late. -Who said that? -Me, sir. -And you are? -I'm the, um... Chief inventor for Santech. (CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY) Put him down. Ugh! Chief inventor, are we? Then you are familiar with the secrets of this sleigh? Yes, sir. If I promised to show you... Huh?! ..would you release Santa? I would be inclined. Uh, may I? (GRUNTS) Yeah, a little help, please. I'm vertically challenged. Ooh! (GROANS) The question on everybody's mind, on your mind your whole life, was, "How does he do it? "How does one man make it around the entire world in one night?" especially for someone like you who delivers packages all year round. The answer? -Time travel! -(ELVES GASP AND EXCLAIM) Time travel? This is more fascinating than I thought. Mother will be pleased. But there are rules. Do I look like someone who concerns himself with rules? Then let's skip those and get to the good stuff, shall we? -I'm gonna need a volunteer. -Me! Me! -You're fired! -Aww. -Me! Me! -You! Oh, yes, please! OK, Neville, I'm just going to need you to place your hand here, then hope for a Christmas miracle. -(DEVICE CLICKS) -Ooh! It feels time-travely. Hold on. (GENTLE WHIRRING) That's my old home. That's me as a young boy. BOY: Dear Santa... (SINGS SWEETLY) # I have a secret Christmas wish # I know you know it well # It's something that I want so much # I cannot even tell # If I believe with all my heart # I know it can come true # But if that never happens # Still I'll always believe in you. # (SINGS) # Someone was listening # Someone was there # While you were whispering your dreams to the air # Someone was watching you # And someone can say # Your hopes and your dreams # Aren't forgotten # They might just all come true today -# Someone is listening -# I have a secret -# Someone's there -# Christmas wish -# I know you know it well -# While you are whispering # It's something that I want so much -# To the air -# I cannot even tell -# Someone is watching you -ALL: # If I believe -# And someone can say -# With all my heart -# I know it can come true -# Your hopes and dreams -# When one day that happens -# Aren't forgotten -# I will always -# They might just all -# Believe in you -# Come true today -# Because you believe -# I believe -# I'm happy to say -# With all my heart -# I know it can come true -# Your hopes and your dreams SANTA: # Aren't forgotten ALL: # And when one day that happens SANTA: # They might just all come true today. # (TENSE MUSIC) Mother. MRS BADDINGTON: Neville? Your time is up. Mother! What are you doing here? You're not the only one that can follow a bleeping blop. Of course. Merry Christmas. Don't you "Merry Christmas" me. If this were a "Merry Christmas" I would be poolside getting a rub-down from a muscular Latin cabana boy, not freezing to death while my idiot son wastes my time and fortune looking for...for... Oh, my! Is this... Indeed it is, Mummy - Santa's sleigh right here beneath my... Beneath your icy boots. Yes, yes, I've heard you rehearse that drivel in the bathroom a million times. Though I must congratulate you. For once, you've delivered. So you're...proud of me? I'm not disappointed, if that's what you mean. After all, you're finally following in my footsteps and putting profits over people. (CACKLES) All of our aircraft will be redesigned to these specifications, rudders and all. St Nick and his band of munchkins will be obsolete when our fleet of sleighs takes to the sky. (CHUCKLES) Next Christmas we'll be cashing in on every Christmas wish. And this place, it will make a wonderful theme park or perhaps a meat locker. Instead of, "Ho-ho-ho!" you'll all be crying, "Boo-hoo-hoo!" (LAUGHS) Load up that sleigh and whatever else you can find and bring it back to the base. The sooner we're out of this candy-cane nightmare the better. NEVILLE: No. What? I...I said... I won't do it. Santa's sleigh will remain here where it belongs. What? Why, you ungrateful... You insolent little... How dare you disobey me! You...you're through, do you hear me? -The mind-eraser? -(MRS BADDINGTON CONTINUES) Good boy! (CHUCKLES) MRS BADDINGTON: ..not a penny. (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) (WHISPERS) I'll have the sleigh stripped of its secrets and sold for scrap. Mother, I'm sorry. What I meant to say was we don't need the sleigh. We've got its secret right here. Give it to me! It's amazing. It's extraordinary. What does it do? Turn it on and see for yourself. (ALL GASP) -(DEVICE WHIRRS AND PULSATES) -Oh! Where...where am I? Uh, your retirement party, Mummy. Congratulations on so many glorious years of dedicated service. Oh, yes, my retirement party. How silly of me! Will someone please take Mummy back to the base? Who are you adorable little children? I seem to have lost my cabana boy. Santa, I'm so sorry for everything I've done. And, you, little elf, thank you for giving me back my Christmas spirit. Merry Christmas, Neville. Merry Christmas. Release everyone! We're going home for Christmas! (CHEERING) -Merry Christmas! -Merry Christmas to you! -Merry Christmas. -(LAUGHTER) (JOYOUS MUSIC) So you're a director of droppings, an inventor, a time traveller and an action hero. What can't you do? (GASPS) (UPLIFTING MUSIC) (EXCITED CHATTER) -So long, Santa! -Take care, Santa! Everything is set for take-off, Santa. Not everything. Hah! And now we have everything. We'd better get going. We? If you're going to be one of my Santech inventors, you need to see this baby in action, don't you think? Me? A Santech inventor? You mean...? I don't know how to thank you. No need. You're going to do great things, Bernard. This was just the first of them. Ho-ho! Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you, Bernard. Aw! Can I get a hug too? We are go for take-off! (WHISTLES) -Ho-ho-ho! -(SLEIGH BELLS RING) Hang on! This thing has a time machine on it but no seatbelt? (LAUGHS) Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night. (UPLIFTING MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) BERNARD: The present becomes the past every second of every day. (SNORES) But if we hold Christmas in our hearts, we have the power to turn back time itself. (MOMENTOUS MUSIC) (DOOR CREAKS) (CLOCK TICKS) ('DECK THE HALLS' INTRO) SONG: # You've got one chance to make this work # And nothing's gonna stop you now # Fool to wait your turn # I'm not one for waiting anyhow # You're something special, I know # Some kind of miracle # As it falls into place # This is your day -# Get up, get up -# Let's get together now -# Stand up, stand up -# I know you can show 'em how -# Wake up, wake up -# It's your chance, do it now # 'Cause you're some kind of miracle -# Get up, get up -# Let's get together now -# Stand up, stand up -# I know you can show 'em how -# Wake up, wake up -# It's your chance, do it now # 'Cause you're some kind of miracle # Don't think twice Don't hold back # Everything you need is there inside # I see the world in you # All you gotta do, gotta do is try # You're something special, I know # Some kind of miracle # We should celebrate # 'Cause this is your day -# Get up, get up -# Let's get together now -# Stand up, stand up -# I know you can show 'em how -# Wake up, wake up -# It's your chance, do it now -# 'Cause you're some kind of miracle -# Get up, get up -# Let's get together now -# Stand up, stand up -# I know you can show 'em how -# Wake up, wake up -# It's your chance, do it now # 'Cause you're some kind of miracle # Don't ever give up on yourself # The brightest light that I see # More than just a dreamer A fearless believer # If you shoot for the moon # You could be a star # It'll come together no matter the weather # When the going gets tough # You're more than enough # Go and take the reins # This is your day -# Get up, get up -# Let's get together now -# Stand up, stand up -# I know you can show 'em how -# Wake up, wake up -# It's your chance, do it now # 'Cause you're some kind of miracle -# Get up, get up -# Let's get together now -# Stand up, stand up -# I know you can show 'em how -# Wake up, wake up -# It's your chance, do it now # 'Cause you're some kind of miracle -# Get up, get up -# Let's get together now -# Stand up, stand up -# I know you can show 'em how -# Wake up, wake up -# It's your chance, do it now -# 'Cause you're some kind of miracle -# Get up, get up -# Let's get together now -# Stand up, stand up -# I know you can show 'em how -# Wake up, wake up -# It's your chance, do it now # 'Cause you're some kind of miracle. # (ROLLICKING JAZZ MUSIC) SONG: # Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride # In a one-horse open sleigh Hey! # Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle-jangle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride # In a one-horse open sleigh # Now, all the world's asleep # In the quiet night # The fields are icy cold # Not a cloud in sight # When another set of bells # Goes jingling close by # It's Santa flying on his sleigh # Across the starry sky # Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride # In a one-horse open sleigh Hey! # Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle-jangle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride # In a one-horse open sleigh # In a one-horse open sleigh -# Sleigh -# Sleigh # Jingling all the way. #