Look! It's Turbo Man and Booster! Kill them both! Turbo Discs, anyone? Argh! Stop him! ALL: Go, go, Demon Team! Help, Turbo Man, help! I'm coming, Billy! Ta-ta, Turbo Man. (Laughs) COMPUTER: Five seconds to ignition. (Screams) (Laughs) It's Turbo Time! (Screams) Got you! (Cheers) You haven't seen the last of me, Turbo Man! I'll have my REVENGE! Here you go, Mr President. Mom, Dad, Booster. Thank you, Turbo Man. You can always count on me. Hey, Jamie, go and change, hon. It's almost time to leave. But Dad's not home yet. Now he's probably gonna miss me get my belt. He misses everything. Well, he's not gonna miss this. He's probably working really hard. LAUGHTER DANCE MUSIC SONG: # Rocking around the Christmas tree # At the Christmas party hop # Mistletoe hung where you can see # Every couple tries to stop # Rocking around the Christmas tree # Have a happy holiday # Everyone dancing merrily... # Hello, Mr Jacobs. Oh, yes, we've been busy but I like that. I'm gonna make it. I hear you. Yes. What can I do for you? 200 king-size by next Friday? No problem whatsoever. But only for you, Mr Jacobs, because you're our number one customer. PHONE BEEPS Andrea, hi. If you think the fabric is too dark, then we'll just re-cover it... ..at no extra charge. Well, what do you expect? You're my number one customer. Don't you forget - you're my number one customer. You're my number one customer. PHONE BEEPS Liz. Hi, honey. How are you? Howard, where are you? I know - Jamie's karate class. Don't worry, I'll meet you there. I promise. Now, don't forget - you're my number one customer! Liz! I...ah... Look, I didn't mean that. DIAL TONE Liz? Oh, God. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it. Phew! He's not gonna make it. TYRES SQUEAL What the...? HORNS BLARE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE CONTINUES Johnny! The kids look great, don't they? Yeah, they do. Ted. I've baked you some cookies. You know, to thank you for fixing my screen door. Well, thanks, Judy. SENSEI: Hup! CLASS: Hai! One. Hai! Two. Hai! Ted, I was wondering if you'd mind taking a look at my porch light. It just doesn't seem to be working and, ah, you being such a handyman... Sure. I've got just the tool for the job. SENSEI: Three. CLASS: Hai! Four. Hai! Five. Hai! (Chuckles) I'm gonna make it. SIREN WAILS Dammit! SENSEI: Two. CLASS: Hai! Three. Hai! Four. Hai. Five. Hai. Licence and registration, please. Look, sir, I'm in kind of a hurry. I'm late for my son's karate class. Oh, I do apologise if I've caused you some sort of delay. How thoughtless of me. The last thing I want on my conscience right now is for a private citizen to somehow be disappointed in the performance of my duty. Look, I was not criticising you, Officer. It's just that... Step out of the vehicle. APPLAUSE That's my boy! APPLAUSE CONTINUES There. Are we finished now? Recite the alphabet. A, B, C... Backwards. Hai! APPLAUSE Way to go, Jamie! (Whistles) SAD MUSIC I didn't make it. MAN: Hey, neighbour! Ted! What the hell are you doing on my roof? What's Ted doing on your roof? Ta-da! (Laughs) I had some extra lights in the garage. And since you didn't put up any yourself, I thought, why not spread a little Christmas cheer around the neighbourhood. Oh, gee, Ted. How thoughtful. Hey! Sorry you missed the karate class today. But don't worry, I got it all on video for you. What would I do without you? Did you tell Ted he could put lights up? Do you know what time it is? I know. You should have seen the traffic and I got a speeding ticket. Don't explain it to me - it wasn't my karate class you missed. LAUGHTER ON TV MAN ON TV: We'll be back, right after these messages. Hi, buddy. It's Turbo Time! Now it's your chance to save the universe with Turbo Man! Battle evil with America's favourite superhero and his sidekick Booster. Jamie, about that karate class tonight. Look out, Turbo Man! I was trying to... Jamie! Jamie, stop! Listen - it was not my fault. Jamie, don't walk away from your father. Jamie... ..can I come in? So, champ... ..are those hands registered weapons yet? Oh, is this it? Wow. THIS is really cool. How do you do this? Like this? No, I know. Like this! What do you think, Jamie? How about this, huh? (Groans) Ho, yah! (REVS) Yah! Whoa. Yah! Ah! I've done something really stupid today, huh? I don't care. Oh, come on, Jamie. I hope this isn't true because I really wanted to be there. Look, believe me, I just... You always say that and you never come anyways. Purple was important to me, Dad. That's one away from green and three away from black. But I saw you get yellow. But you missed blue. You're right. I really blew it. I'm really, really sorry. Do you think you can let me make it up to you? Like how? Well, like letting me do something special, just for you. Like, ah, if there's something really important you've been wanting for Christmas, hmm? Don't worry - I got it covered. I wrote Santa. Ah, but Santa gets very busy this time of the year. Sometimes he even asks moms and dads to help out. Nah, it's not that important. Tell me - what do you want? I want the Turbo Man action figure with the moving arms and legs and the boomerang shooter and the rock-and-roarer jetpack and the realistic voice activator that says five different phrases including, 'It's TURBO TIME!' Accessories sold separately. Batteries not included. Well, I'm glad you had to stop and think about it. Johnny's gonna get one and so is everybody else I know. Whoever doesn't is gonna be a real loser. Well, that definitely won't be you. Thanks, Dad. I love you. I love you too, Jamie. Oh, I love you. Whoa! Whoa. (Laughs) Liz, you should have seen us in there. We were really bonding. We were drawing, laughing, having a great time, talking about that Turbo guy. Turbo Man. Which reminds me - you got the doll, right? The doll. Yeah. That Turbo Man doll. I asked you to pick one up two weeks ago. Oh. That doll. Of course. Howard - you didn't. Please tell me that you didn't forget that doll. No, no. I-I-I got it. I-I got the Turbo Man doll. The one with things that shoot out in front with that rock 'em, sock 'em jetpack and with that realistic voice box that says, 'It's Turbo Time.' I got it. Oh, good. There you are. You thought for a minute that I wouldn't do something you tell me. I got it right away. Good. Because at this point they'd probably be impossible to find. DRAMATIC MUSIC RADIO: KQRS Minneapolis - we'll do the rocking while you fill the stocking. CHUCK BERRY'S 'RUN RUDOLPH RUN' PLAYS ON RADIO Hey, whoa, whoa. Where are you going? I just have to run to the office quickly. That's it. Howard, it's Christmas Eve. You can't be going to the office. (Chuck Berry sings) # Run, run, Rudolph... # I have to pick up that D-O-L-L. I left it there by mistake. Oh. OK. All right. Bye. Dad! You can't go to work today. What about the parade? The parade? The Holiday Winter-tainment Parade. We go every year. Oh. Well, you didn't go last year or the year before. Mom and I always go. Anyway, this year Turbo Man's gonna be there! Turbo Man. Turbo Man. Yes. Yes. It's Turbo Time. Dad, you can't miss it. It'll be really cool. I won't miss it. I'll be there. I promise! DRAMATIC MUSIC Whoa! (Snorts) Sorry about that, Howie. What's that? A reindeer? A little Christmas surprise for Johnny. You just think of everything, don't you, Ted? I'm of the mind-set you can never do too much to make a child's Christmas magical. So what happens to Blitzen after Christmas? I've been watching a family of deer down by Lake Minnetonka. I thought I'd take him down there and set him free. If nature's kind they'll take him in like he's one of their own. How touching. Hey, buddy. How are you? Hey! Whoa! That's odd. Reindeer are usually such gentle animals. There must be something about you he doesn't like. Aftershave or something. Yeah. Got to go. Where are you off to? Picking up a present for Jamie. Whoa! Nothing like waiting till the last minute, Howitzer! So what did you get him? Ah, one of those Turbo Mans. Oh, that's great. I got a Turbo Man for Johnny months ago. It's nestled safely under our tree. Good. Howard, by the way, they say it may get icy later. You might want to wrap some chains around those tyres. Maybe I should wrap some chains around you. What? Come on! SONG: # Let's hear those sleigh bells ringing # And ding-ding-a-linging in tune # Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you # Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling yoo-hoo # Come on, it's lovely weather... # Hey! # For a sleigh ride together with you... # What time are you opening up? Come on, it's freezing out here! There's 100 people stand... Because of two minutes you're not letting 100 people in? Get back! Get back! Hey, give the man a break! He's a dad trying to get a toy! Last minute shopping, huh? Yeah. Enough to drive a man insane, isn't it? Myron Larabee. Howard Langston. I'm shopping late because it's the busiest time of the year for me. All these important Christmas letters people send to folks they contact once a year! And relatives sending presents they'll have to send back anyway. How many toiletry kits does a man need? Those stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole - 'Dear Santa, could you send me a bike and a slinky?' No! Your father's been laid off! And as if I didn't have enough pressure, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy, some fruity robot named Turtle Man. That's Turbo Man. My son wants one too. You know it's all a ploy, don't you? A ploy? Where have you been? Don't you watch TV? We're being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels. Oh, come on! They use working-class stiffs like me and you! They spend billions of dollars on TV advertisement and then they sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out. I went to junior college for a semester and studied psychology. I'm right in there! I know what's happening! And then, they sit there and make a kid feel like garbage if you, the father, who's working delivering mail, so you can make alimony payments to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office but me! When you get the toy, it breaks. You can't fix it 'cause it's cheap plastic. I'd like to walk up in that office, grab one of those guys and just choke him. Hey! What's the matter with you? Shouldn't wear fur. Whoa! Back off! I'm first! Turbo Man - you're MINE! Move it! Move it! Move it! Ugh! Whoa! Get out of my way! Booster - who wants Booster?! The Turbo Man dolls - they are all gone! There's got to be another one. There are none. Oh, excuse me. Yes? I want a Turbo Man doll. Me too! Do you have any more out back? (Laughs) What? (Laughs continuously) What's he laughing about? (Laughs more loudly) These guys are looking for a Turbo Man. A Turbo Man doll. Yes. (Laughs) (Both sales assistants laugh) They're looking for Turbo Man. Hey, everybody, these two are looking for a Turbo Man! (All laugh) Shut up, man. Now, what's so funny? Where have you guys been? Turbo Man's only the hottest-selling Christmas toy ever! (Laughs) But you know what? We've got plenty of Turbo Man's faithful partner, Booster. (All laugh) OH! OH! Where's your Christmas spirit? That's better. Now, there must be a Turbo Man around here somewhere. Ah...d'oh... The last one just left! Um...some lady had it on lay-away. A lady? What lady? Short...with a fur coat. Fur coat. Fur coat. Uh-huh. Sorry, buddy! (Laughs) Give me this! Hey! This is war! (Laughs) Whoa! Argh! Yeah! Cool! Oh, poor baby. (Groans) Turbo Man. Ha! Hey, lady! Hey, hold it! Wait! Wait, lady! I need that Turbo Man! TYRES SQUEAL Hey! INTRODUCTION TO ROCK VERSION OF 'JINGLE BELLS' # Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a '57 Chevrolet # Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh ELECTRIC GUITAR BREAK # Hey! INSTRUMENTAL BREAK CONTINUES # Dashing through the snow # In a one-horse open sleigh # Over the fields we go # Laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing # Bells on bobtails ring # Making those spirits bright # What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight, OWW! # Oh, jingle bells, jingle, jingle, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a '57 Chevrolet # Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. # I'M Turbo Man! No, I am! You're always Turbo Man! Hey, hey, hey! Cut it out. ARGUMENT CONTINUES Hi, Liz. Oh, hi, Ted. Look at you! It's Christmas Eve and you're slaving over a hot stove. Mom of the Year, or what! It's no big deal, really. And modest too. Whoa! Liz, looks like you could use a little you time. Why don't you go upstairs, take a shower? I'll watch the boys, finish up with the cookies. Oh, no... Da-da-da! Go on. You deserve it. Uh... Oh, well, O...OK. But listen for the oven timer... I know. Sugar cookies - bake 12 to 15 minutes till golden brown. Yeah! Ted's got everything under control. 'THE CHRISTMAS SONG' PLAYS SOFTLY (Kids make karate noises) D'OH! TED: Merry Christmas! Langston residence! Hi. I... Ted? Howard! Hey, buddy! How's it going out there? Everything OK? Yeah, fine. Ted, I need to speak to Liz. Could you get... Mmm! Oh! Howard, excuse me, but your wife's cookies are out of this world! What are... Who said you could eat MY cookies? I'm just helping Liz out a little. She's baking up a storm here! Ted, I need to speak to my wife. So could you get her, please? I think she's in the shower, Howard. Want me to check? NO! I mean, no - it's fine. On your way OUT, just tell her I'll be a bit late. But she shouldn't worry. Oh, she won't worry. I mean, I'm here, and... MMM! Oh, these COOKIES! I gotta get the recipe from Liz. Put that cookie down! NOW!! Howard, is there something bothering you? Because this time of year, there's a very high incidence of stress-related breakdowns. DING! Oops! There's the next batch. Gotta go. I'll give Liz your message, though. Bye-bye. Yeah, but... DIAL TONE Hey... Hey, hey! Look who it is! (Groans) Still on the hunt, huh? Yeah. Hey, sorry about whacking you at the toy store. I got caught up in the friendly spirit of competition. That's all right. Don't worry. But I was thinking, you'd have done the same thing. You and I - we're the same kind of person. I sort of doubt that. I was thinking about that brouhaha earlier. Maybe we could become a team - like Starsky and Hutch, man. But... Like Bonnie and Clyde. Like Ike and Tina! No, she left... But we could do it! Search and destroy, divide and conquer. Me and you! What do you say? Thanks, Myron. But no, thank you. Oh, come on, man - let's be a team! Gee, Myron... I think you're a good guy and all, but this, I'd like to do by myself. You understand, right? Oh, yeah, I understand you, man! I know what's going on. Mister with your little fancy cashmere coat, your nice little suede shoes. I'm not good enough to be in your team! See, that's racism! That's what Jesse Jackson was talking about! Good news! They've got a late delivery of Turbo Man at Toyworks! Turbo Man. Turbo Man! JOLLY CHRISTMAS MUSIC Whoa! Whoo-hoo! CAR ALARM CLICKS OFF Uh! Uh! ENGINE WHIRRS INEFFECTUALLY Piece of junk! ENGINE ROARS MUSIC STOPS Oh... MIRROR CLATTERS TO GROUND COMIC-DRAMATIC MUSIC Officer... You broke my little mirror. Licence and registration, please. Whoo! Is there a problem, Officer? (Laughs) SONG: # Well, it's Christmas time again # Decorations are hung by the fire # Everybody's singing... # MAN: Listen up, people! As to your first question - yes, the rumours are true. We have received a small quantity of the action figure known as Turbo Man. Yes! CHEERING I'm not gonna ask you to be quiet again! Here's how things are gonna work. You will form an orderly line so that an employee can hand you a numbered ball. These balls will then be drawn in a standard lottery fashion to see who gets a doll. If you're not one of the lucky few, we have plenty of Turbo Man's faithful pet tiger Booster in stock. We don't want it! We don't want it! Who's the Booster?! And in accordance with the laws of supply and demand, the new price on each figure just doubled! What?! That's against the law! What?! (All yell for balls) Gimme a ball! Hey! Gimme a ball! EXCITING BURST OF MUSIC SCREAMING SONG: # It's the most wonderful time of the year # There'll be kissing and belling And everyone telling you # Be of good cheer # It's the most wonderful time, it's the most wonderful time... # (Yells) # Of the year! # I got it! I got it! I got... SPRAY HISSES AGH! (Laughs triumphantly) I got it! Ha-ha-ha! I got it! I got it! Hoo-hoo-hoo! Here we go! He got two! He got two! Get the mailman! What? No, no! Get him! He's lying! He's lying! He's lying! 'TREPAK' FROM 'NUTCRACKER' PLAYS It's my ball! Rodney King! Rodney King! JAUNTY 'TREPAK' CONTINUES Ah! Agh! Hey! (Yells) This is my ball! MUSIC CONTINUES BANG! Agh! MUSIC BUILDS Agh-h-h-h-h! MUSIC ENDS Hi, little girl. Look what I've got for you - a shiny red ball. Do you want to trade? Then, just give me the ball! I got it... OW! Let go of her, pervert! OW! Get your hands off my kid! I need the ball! I need that toy! WOMEN YELL Agh! No! Get outta here! Get away! I need that toy! Get outta here! Pervert! I'm not a pervert! I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll. Hey! Psst! Buddy, come here. Come here. You want a Turbo Man for Christmas? Forget it! I'm not gonna sit on your lap. Hey, chief, that's not my bag. Get it? (Chuckles) But you know, little boy, with your attitude, I don't think I'll give you access to this. Tony, show him. DRAMATIC MUSIC That was taken this morning. HOPEFUL MUSIC How do I know this isn't some kind of scam? Forget it, Tony. This guy doesn't want our help. Whoa, whoa! Wait a minute... Merry Christmas! We're all businessmen. We can work out some agreement. You got the cash, we got the doll. How much? Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho-ho! A merry Christmas to you, Officer! What, are you crazy? Santa never delivers a gift in broad daylight. Excuse me - I may be wrong, but you are not the real Santa Claus. Really? And you're not the kind of guy who's got enough foresight to get his kid a Turbo Man before Christmas Eve! Hey! Show a little respect for the suit, huh? Yeah. Now, you want that doll or not? (Santa sings) # I feel sorry... # Come on, buddy - I got a parade to watch. I haven't seen a sign of that supposed Turbo Man. Take a left. # He's the little boy who Santa Claus forgot. # DOG BARKS Beautiful! Up here. Oh! I love this time of year. Christmas carols, snowflakes. Santa Clauses. Now what? What are you - Dan Rather? What is this - '60 Minutes'? What are you - the Question King? Chill! MILITARY-STYLE MUSIC Right. Keep your hands where I can see 'em. (Knocks 'Jingle Bells' rhythm) DRAMATIC BURST OF MUSIC Password. Jingle bells, Batman smells. GROOVY MUSIC SONG: # They call me back door Santa # I make my runs about the break of day # They call me back door Santa... # I know what you're thinking. Oh, no. You have no idea. Tony! Get the man his Turbo Man. Got it. I gotta tell you, Santa, there's something here that doesn't seem quite, um...kosher. Kosher? Yeah. This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a superball? Listen, bub, we provide a service here. We're not doing this for us, we're doing this for the kids. For the kids? For every kid who ever sat down on Santa's lap. For every little girl who left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas night. For every little boy who opens a present Christmas morning and find CLOTHES instead of toys. It breaks my heart. (Clears throat) Here it is. Uh! That'll be $300. Dollars?! No - chocolate kisses. Yes, dollars! I can't believe this. Whatever happened to your lofty ideals, huh? I thought you were doing this for the kids. Sure! But why can't we pick up some loose change in the process? Give me that. Take it. Count it. Put it in the safe. Don't open that! No, no... TURBO MAN: Es el tiempo del Hombre de Turbo! Ah, well, that's the multilingual version. It's fun AND educational. You... I wouldn't... Ah, well, of course, there's some assembly required. Let me get that for you. Just put it in the box... Forget it. Give me the money. Uh-uh-uh! Whoa! All sales are final. You know what you guys are? Nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits. OMINOUS MUSIC What did you call us? You heard me right. Conmen. Thieves. Degenerates. Low-lives. Thugs. Criminals! DRAMATIC CHORD In the North Pole, them are fightin' words, pardner. Put 'em up! Relax, buddy - I'm not about to hit a Santa Claus. Come on! What are you - chicken? Chick chick chick chick chick! Chick chick chick chick! LAUGHTER Bwark bwark-bwark! Bwark bwark bwark-bwark! Bwark bwark bwark... AGH-H-H-H-H! ALL: Ooh! CLANG! Get him. (Santa makes Ninja noises) Shut up! (Laughs) OMINOUS MUSIC HEAVY FOOTFALL (Santas cheer) I'm gonna deck your halls, bub. CHEERING LAUGHTER CRACKING SOUNDS Agh! Agh! OMINOUS MUSIC Agh! (Santas cheer) Oh-h-h-h... NO! Agh-h-h-h-h-h-h! Little buddy! You're a naughty boy-oy! Who's gonna be next? ELECTRICITY SIZZLES ZAP! Agh! DOG PILE! Yah! WHISTLE It's the Grinch! Scatter! COMICAL MUSIC Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! BANG! Hey! Hey, who are you? Huh? DRAMATIC CHORD Hey. Hey, buddy. This must be the sloppiest bust I've ever seen in my entire career on the force. Detective Howard Lang, undercover. I've been working on this case for the last three years, and you guys come barging in here like a bunch of terrorists at a tea party! WAIT till the Commissioner finds out about this. He is going to hit the ROOF! Now get your act together and arrest someone. Go! Yes, sir. I'm not going back to the joint! Do you hear? CHOIR HUMS 'SILENT NIGHT' ENGINE THUDS Oh, come on! Come on! Not now! (Frank Sinatra sings) # I'll be home for Christmas # You can plan on me # I'll be home for Christmas... # You're so considerate bringing all this holiday cheer to the neighbourhood. Christmas comes but once a year. You're an amazing man, Ted. I wish every husband were more like you. Thanks! We should get together and swap recipes. What's the reindeer's name? I named him Ted - after my dad. Your dad is so cool! I wish my dad did stuff like this. Oh, we never used to - not until he and Mom split up. Really? Hey! Maybe your parents should get a divorce. Did wonders for my dad. SAD MUSIC Jamie? Hot chocolate? PHONE RINGS Hello? Jamie! How are you doing, old buddy? Hi, Dad! I knew you'd call. Hey, listen - let me talk to your mother. You can't. Why not? She's next-door petting Ted. She's WHAT? Listen, Dad, are you on your way? The parade's gonna start soon. Jamie, get your mother, please. Well, are you? Am I what? Coming home soon. Yes - immediately! Now please get your mother. 'Cause, Dad, before you left, you promised you'd be at the parade. You haven't been here all day. You can't miss it! Jamie, please! 'Cause, Dad, when someone makes a promise, they definitely should keep it. You know, it's like what Turbo Man says - 'Always keep your promises if you want to keep your friends.' Enough! Enough of this Turbo Man, OK? I had it up to HERE with Turbo Man! If there's anyone I don't want advice from, it's Turbo Man! Now, get your mother! SAD MUSIC I'm sorry, Jamie. Look... I didn't mean... What would you know about keeping your promises?! You NEVER keep your promises! You never do ANYTHING you say you're gonna do! EVER! Damn you, Howard. Here you go, my man. This'll warm you up. Thanks. MAN: Cheers. You! Peace. 'Tis the season to be jolly. Right. Any luck in finding that doll? No. Me neither. Maybe this'll help. What the hell. I couldn't find the kid a doll. Does that make me a bad father? No. But yelling at him for no good reason. Now, THAT makes me a bad father. We get one chance to prove we're not screw-ups and what happens? We screw it up! I remember a few years ago, I wanted to do something really special for Jamie, so I built him his own clubhouse. It came out great. Oh, he really... Well, the door was a little crooked and the roof didn't sit quite straight but you should've seen his face light up when he saw that. He was so excited. He played in that clubhouse the entire day. He made us have Christmas dinner in it. No! Oh, yeah. I was the hero then. Look at me now. That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man. Oh, don't say that. Mm-hm. I know what I'm talking about. You see, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy - Johnny Seven OMA gun. You remember those, don't you? No. I still remember the commercial - two kids playing out in the backyard. 'Giant to Peter, Giant to Peter. Enemy sighted.' 'Roger, there. Open fire.' And Johnny would whip out his Johnny Seven OMA One-Man Army gun. Seven guns in one. The thing looked like a blast. But 'cause for my old man, Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down... ..I never did get that Johnny Seven OMA. I'm sorry to hear that. Hey, it don't mean nothing. You heard of a guy named Scott Sherman? Yeah. CEO of Sherman Industries. He's my old neighbour. And his dad got him a Johnny Seven OMA gun. You know what happened? He became a billionaire. And me? Well... (Laughs) I'm just a loser with no future. Here's to you, Dad. (Whispers) I can't let this happen. It's just a doll. It's just a stupid little plastic doll. Uh, uh, uh! That's 'action figure'. There's got to be one somewhere. RADIO: You say you've been looking everywhere for a Turbo Man doll? Yes. You say you'd do just about anything to get your hands on one? Yes, yes! Well, KQRS has good news for you. The first caller to identify all eight of Santa's reindeer will be the winner of the hottest toy... Donner, Dancer, Prancer, Blitzen, Cupid. Just call 5-5-5-K-Q-R-M. No. I don't think so! ARGGH! Arggh! Arggh! Get out. Give me the phone. Give me the phone. PHONE RINGS Come on. Come on. MAN ON PHONE: KQRS, hello. I got the answer! No, you don't! Ha-ha-ha. (Roars) Ha-ha-ha-ha. Why did you do that? I got through. I knew the rules. Hey, you guys. The radio station's just two blocks down on Wabasha. I got the...answer. I got the answer. Ugh! Bye-bye. Sorry. DRAMATIC MUSIC Oh, he barked up the wrong tree. I can run like this for miles. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. I'm having a good time. 'Bye. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen... RADIO: KQRS - you're on the air. MAN: Randy, Jermaine, Tito... Not even close. Sorry. Maybe this'll put us in the mood. I've got the answer! Let me in! I've got the answer. I've got the answer. I got the answer. Open up. Open up. I've got a madman in my studio and, er... Help me! Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen! What the...? I couldn't get through on the phone. Did I win? Oh, no, it's not that simple! Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're too late. I've got the right answer. I won! Ha-ha-ha. I don't need the right answer. I've got this! Now, what's that? This, Mr Trackstar, is a homemade explosive device. OMINOUS MUSIC A bomb? Oh! Yes, in layman's terms, A BOMB! Back up! You built a bomb? No, I didn't have to build a bomb. These come through the mail every day. I kept one in case I ever needed it. Give me the doll or I'll blow up everybody here. Are you crazy? Put this thing away! This is not worth it. Maybe not to you, but to me it is. Myron! Come on, old buddy, give me the package. All right. Come on. Did you call me buddy? Yeah. I'm not your buddy! I tried to be your team-mate, your friend, but NO! You had other plans for me. I had no plans. You're like the rest of those civilians, those common letter-writers, who make fun of my knee socks in the summer. Are you laughing at me? Huh? Oh, no, no. Not at all. Mr Ponytail Man, I know you. I know your kind. You're the kind that puts a trash can in front of the mail box. No, not true. I recycle. Shut up! That's right. Shut up! The window's there to put the mail in. But you act like everything's OK. 'Hey, Mr Mailman!' - like I have no feelings of my own. Hit the deck!!! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC 'JINGLE BELLS' PLAYS SOFTLY Ooh! 'JINGLE BELLS' CONTINUES (Sighs) Sorry. I've been under pressure since the zip-plus-four thing. Don't hit me. I've got sickle cell. Excuse me. Gentlemen, are you two under the impression I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio? Yes. That's what you said. No, no. Oh, yes, you did. What I actually said was whoever won would get a doll - eventually. DRAMATIC MUSIC You see, what we have here, oh... ..is a gift certificate. BOTH: A gift certificate?! Right! Why did you trick us? When they get some in the stores... SIRENS WAIL Did you call the cops? Kind of. Let's go. OK. I'm going first, buddy! Arggh! Better luck next time, loser! Freeze! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! You wouldn't hurt a fellow civil servant. What's all this violence? It's Christmas and I was just delivering some Christmas... HEY!!! Back up! This is a homemade explosive device. I'll blow it up - know why? 'Cause I work for the Post Office, so you know I'm unstable. Tell 'em. This man is totally insane. Thank you! Put the guns down. NOW! Put 'em down. Put your gun down. Everybody. You too, Barnaby Jones. (Drops gun on floor) EXCITING MUSIC All right, just stay there. I'll know if you move 'cause I have the ears of a snake! Ciao, baby. You shouldn't mess with that. Relax, Sparky. I was on the Bomb Squad for 10 years. Uh! I'm the man! I'm the man! Gentlemen...we've been duped. (All sigh) This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package. EXPLOSION That was really a bomb? This is a SICK world we're living in! Sick people! (All cough) How many years in the Bomb Squad? SUBDUED MUSIC (Choir sing) # Let every heart prepare him room # And heaven and nature sing And heaven and nature sing # And heaven and nature sing # Joy to the world... # Thanks a lot. DRAMATIC MUSIC That son-of-a... What are you doing? It's Christmas Eve - you've got to have your star up. I'm out all day and he's in my house... ..putting up my star... ..on my tree. REMEMBERS TED'S VOICE: I got a Turbo Man for Johnny. It's nestled safely under our tree. ..nestled safely under our tree. ..safely under our tree. I'll show him. Ha! Oh, I-I'm sorry, Ted, but that's Howard's job. He always puts the star on. He's adamant about it. He's not as adamant about spending time here on Christmas Eve. MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS SOFTLY BOX: It's Turbo Time. (Choir sing) # ..wherever you are... # Liz! Do you hear that? Carollers. Let's go! Come on! # We wish you a merry Christmas # We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year # Good tidings to you... # The back door. # Wherever you are # Good tidings for Christmas # And a happy new year # Now bring us some figgy pudding Now bring us some figgy pudding # Now bring us some figgy pudding # We all like figgy pudding We all like figgy pudding... # TWINKLING MUSIC What am I doing? Look at me. Stealing from a kid! I can't do this. You're gonna go back. DRAMATIC MUSIC Nice doggie. (Snorts) Nice! (Bellows) Oh! (Growls) (Laughs) ALARM BUZZES No! # Now bring us some figgy pudding # Now bring us some figgy pudding... # Get out. (All scream) Oh! Balthazar. Howard?! Hi. Uh-oh. Ugh! (Coughs) What are you doing? I...ah... What's that? Oh! BOX: You can always count on me. That is Johnny's Turbo Man. What? It's not what you think it is. Oh, it isn't? Really? No. Then tell me - I thought you got Jamie's Turbo Man weeks ago. It looks like you've broken into our neighbour's house and you're stealing Christmas presents! Just give me a second, then I could explain it. I know parts of this are going to sound completely ridiculous. But let me tell you the truth. I've been listening to your version of the truth for far too long and honestly, I don't want to any more. All I want is to salvage Christmas Eve and go to the parade with my son. Liz, please! Ted, would you drive us? Of course. You can't bench-press your way out of this one. Oh, God. (Snorts) DRAMATIC MUSIC (Bellows) You picked the wrong day! Ahh! (Groans) You started it. JAMIE: Mom, will Dad be at the parade? I wouldn't count on it, honey. Hey, Turbo Man's gonna be there. You can always count on him. Hey, Rudolph, can I buy you another round? (Belches) Yeah. (Sighs) GENTLE MUSIC Sorry, buddy, but you're on your own. It's time I start keeping my promises. CYMBALS AND DRUMS PLAY BAND PLAY 'JINGLE BELLS' Well, it's that time of year again - the 12th annual Holiday Wintertainment Parade. I'm weatherman Gale Force here with the lovely Liza Tisch of 'AM Live'. Merry Christmas, Gale. We're high atop Channel 29's Parade Central to keep you updated on all of this year's parade action. Let's watch. And listen. 'JINGLE BELLS' CONTINUES JAMIE: The parade's already started! Hey, Dad, there's Owen and his dad. Can we stand with them while you park the car? Please, please! Yeah, please, please! Well, OK. OK. We'll meet you there. Yeah! Don't go wandering off. OK, Mom. And, Jamie, put on your hat. I know. Owen! Owen! MAN: Hi, kids. Come on. 'JINGLE BELLS' CONTINUES Oh, wow! Check it out! You see Turbo Man? No. They're saving him for last. Ah. 'JINGLE BELLS' CONTINUES Oho! This is awesome! Cat in the Hat! Yeah. Yeah. Could you just take Fourth Street? Sorry, all the roads are packed. Everybody's going to the parade. Turbo Man's gonna be there. I know. URGENT MUSIC Liz, I'm sorry you had to go through that back there. Here, have some non-alcoholic eggnog. I'll be fine. You can't hide your feelings from Let it out. Get it out of your system. No, really, Ted. I'm OK. I don't think so. Liz, you're like a lost and frightened foal - I can see it in your eyes. Don't worry - Ted's here. That's very sweet. You deserve better, Lizzie. Lizzie? Someone you can talk to. A shoulder to cry on. DRAMATIC MUSIC It's useless, Liz. We can't hide our feelings any longer. Feelings! Liz, I don't have to tell you, I'm a VERY eligible bachelor. Lots of women would give anything to be in your position right now. Well, I'm a lucky, lucky girl (!) For me, it all started months ago, at the Labour Day barbecue. Remember? (Laughs feebly) And you asked me how to marinate ahi tuna, and I said, all you need is Italian salad dressing. DRAMATIC MUSIC OH! (Screams) You! Stop that man! Enough talking. Arggh! Ah, well, that didn't exactly go as well as I'd hoped. UH! HIGH-SPIRITED MUSIC MUSIC ENDS You! Who are you? Are you the guy? Huh? Thank God! Hey, we got him, people! Shh! OK, listen up. We're running late here so pay attention. We sent you the instruction manual, so you know about all the important controls. Let me go over some changes. Changes? There are three cut-off valves to the fuel - here, here and here. The normal reading on the pressure gauge should be anywhere below 50. I... Not 70 like we said earlier. No, but... Here's the emergency cut-off switch. You don't understand... The primary controls are right here. There's also a microphone inside the helmet that'll alter your voice to the proper tonality. And procedure-wise, same as we talked about over the phone. Procedure? Just stick to that. Questions? Yes, I have... OK, before you say anything, let me take a moment and speak for everyone when I thank you for filling in for Pete. It was a total freak accident, what happened at rehearsal. Accident? We're confident we've fixed things. Oh, and you should know the doctor said Pete actually showed some brain activity this morning. (Laughs) That's a really good sign. Move it out, people! Finally! Where the hell have you been?! I've been sweating like a dog in a Chinese restaurant waiting for your sorry ass to show up! Well... ..it's show time! I know you. You're Booster! Yeah! And who the hell do you think YOU are? Mary Poppins? Come on! Come on! Let's go! Let's go! Go! Go! Wait a minute... And now for the moment you've all been waiting for. Here he is, boys and girls - live and in person - Turbo Man! CHEERING ELECTRIC GUITARS WAIL ROCKETS WHISTLE CHEERING CONTINUES Wow! Wave, you idiot! Wave! Wave? Yes. 'TURBO MAN' THEME CONTINUES This is cool! Look, Mom - it's Turbo Man. Yeah! I can get into this! WILD CHEERING GENTLE REFRAIN Liza, in a few moments, Turbo Man will select a special child. And that lucky boy or girl will win a special edition Turbo Man doll! Oh, man! Awesome! Hey! You're supposed to be holding this! Oh. UPLIFTING MUSIC (Gasps) MUSIC SOARS YES! WILD CHEERING YES! Hey, rock star! Yeah? Better be on your toes. Dementor jumps on the float soon. Who? Huh? ARGH! Oh, what's he doing? Look, would you pick a kid already?! Pick a kid? Pick a kid! So he can come up here and get his prize. Pick me, Turbo Man! Pick me! (Kids all call out) Pick me! Pick me! Over here! Here! He's looking at me. No, he's looking at me. See that? He's pointing at me. No, it's me. Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! JAMIE! MUSIC SOARS He knows my name! MUFFLED PROTESTS Liza, I think Turbo Man has selected a winner. Go ahead! Go ahead, honey - go. Go, Jamie! (Whistles) Merry Christmas, Jamie. CHEERING Whoo! Wow. How did you know my name? Well, Jamie, you see, I'm your fa... WHIZZING NOISE DRAMATIC MUSIC (Crowd gasps) LIZA: Oh, no, kids, it's Turbo Man's arch enemy - Dementor! BOOING Oh, shut up! Shut up! Was that in the script? All right, kid, gimme the doll and nobody gets hurt. Myron? That's right, Turtle Man. Thought you could outsmart me, didn't ya? Thought your little suit idea was SO slick! But I'm one step ahead of you because I'VE got a bigger brain! (Whispers) Just stay here. Come on, Myron - you're taking this too far. Hey, I'm not going home without that doll! Hey, buddy, this ain't the way we rehearsed it! You know what? Nobody likes you, Booster. Ooh! Who-o-ow... Oof! We don't like you! We hate you, Booster! (Gasps) Where do you think you're going? Come back here, my little pretty, and your little doll too. Hey, Myron! Leave the kid alone! Ta-ta, Turtle Man. Uh! Boo! Boo! (Laughs) Uh-oh, Liza - it looks like Dementor has beaten Turbo Man. Oh, no, Gale. This could be the end of civilisation as we know it. Do something, Turbo Man! Use your Turbo Discs! My what? On your arm! Hey, Myron - I've a special delivery for you. Huh? Ha! Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! CHEERING TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Yeah! Oh, it appears that Turbo Man has saved the day. I'm going to take you back to your mom. ALL: Go, go, Demon Team! GALE: It's the Demon Team - Dementor's evil henchmen! What you gonna do now, kid? Yee....ah! Ooh! (Squeaks) CHEERING What about my son? Don't you know the choreography? Mom! Jamie! HOWARD: No, no - leave him! I ain't through with you, kid! DRAMATIC MUSIC Get outta the way, Box! Oh! That's it. Come here! I'm sorry... Get outta my way! Get outta my way! MUSIC BUILDS Get outta my way! Come here, boy. Get that outta my face! Come on! CHEERING You know what, kid? You need time out! Jamie! Ma'am, it's all part of the show. Get back on the sidewalk. But that's my son up there! Oh! He's wonderful. He's not part of the show! I'm scared of heights. You ever see the movie 'Vertigo'? That mean anything to you? Let's get this guy! AGHHH! CRASH! Uncle Myron wants to talk to you. All right, kid - end of the line. Just give me the doll! Never! Oh! TENSE MUSIC BUILDS LIZA: Fly! Fly, Turbo Man! Use your jetpack! FLAMES HISS It's Turbo ti-i-i-me! Wow! (Yells) SILENCE AGH-H-H-H-H-H-H-H! ROCKET BOOSTERS ROAR (Yells) (Laughs) Wow! I think I'm getting the hang of th-i-is! HEROIC MUSIC Turbo Man! Help! Jamie, I got you! Jamie. No! Oh... Out of my way! SCREAMING TWANG! (Yells) (Retches) Let us pray. What the...? OMINOUS MUSIC Agh! (Judders) (Yells) Ow! Huh! I got you, kid. SNAP! AGH-H-H! AGH-H-H-H-H! GASPING Oh! Ow! OH! Gimme the doll, kid. (People yell) Save that kid! You can do it! Turbo Man! Use your Turborang! Ah! Come on! WHIZZING Ha-ha! Missed me! (Laughs) Ooh! Ha-ha! Victory is mine! (Laughs) V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! Ooh! (Screams) Yeah! UH! Yeah! CHEERING Oh, wow! I got it! I got one! I finally got one... GUNS CLICK Uh... Turbo Man, help! Jamie! AGH-H-H-H-H-H-H! Got you! WILD CHEERING Thanks, Turbo Man. I knew you'd save me. You can always count on me. CHEERING Awesome! Here you go, ma'am. Mom, did you see that? I was flying with Turbo Man. He saved me from Dementor. It was the coolest. Did you see? Did you? I saw! I saw. Oh! Thank you, sir. I don't think you know how much he means to me. Oh, I think I have an idea. What's the matter, Jamie? It's just...I wish that Dad could've been here, you know - to see me fly and all. But he didn't come, and it's all my fault. He was mad at me. We had a fight on the phone, and I kinda yelled at him. Jamie, your dad is not mad at you. He loves you more than anything in the whole wide world. You are his all-time favourite person. How do you know all that? Well, who would know better than... ..me? MUSIC SOARS Dad?! Howard?! Right here. (Sexily) Howard. Oh, Liz - you two mean more to me than anything. I'm so sorry if I haven't shown that lately. I know I've been neglecting both of you. But no more. I love you! I love you! Johnny, what's going on here? Look - Jamie's dad is Turbo Man! Let's get outta here! Dad, you smell like barf! Young man. I think I have something that belongs to you. EXCITING MUSIC Thanks! You're welcome. And as for you, Turbo Man, we could use you on the force. Thanks. I'll keep that in mind. Oh...I'm sorry about the bike. And` and the coffee. And the bus. And the` the bomb. MYRON: I had it. I had it right... I had it right here in my hands. What am I gonna tell my son? How do I look him in the eye? Wait. I was this close. I was so... Wait. Merry Christmas. Wow. Wow! But... Hey, thank...thank you. Thank you. You know...this is gonna make my son really happy. I'm sorry about that... little tension we had on that roof. Hey, it's cool. But, Jamie, I thought you wanted this doll more than anything. What do I need the doll for? I got the real Turbo Man at home! MUSIC SOARS Turbo Man! That...that's my husband. (All chant) Turbo Man! Turbo Man! WILD CHEERING That's my dad! That's my dad! JOYFUL MUSIC SONG: # Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a '57 Chevrolet # Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh # Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh # Over the fields we go laughing all the way # Bells on bobtails ring # Making spirits bright # What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight # Oh, jingle bells J-jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a '57 Chevrolet # Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh! # Supertext Subtitles Copyright 1997 Australian Caption Centre. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 # Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh # Over those fields we go # Laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing # Bells on bobtails ring making those spirits bright # What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight # Oh, jingle bells Jingle, jingle # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a '57 Chevrolet # Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse... # ..open... # ..sleigh! # 'TURBO MAN' THEME PLEASANT MUSIC 'O CHRISTMAS TREE' Look at that. There it is. Voila! Beautiful! Perfecto! Howard, I've been thinking. Everything that you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him. And, uh, if you're willing to go through all of that for him just for a present, well, that makes me wonder. What? What'd you get me?