1 D-ohh! (SCREAMS) Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 Happy Thanksgiving from the entire Channel Six family, including Kent Brockman, who's contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cutout. The real Kent is in a rehab clinic. We all wish him the best... again. I love the holiday season. See you in spring, toes! ("THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYS) And from all of us, best wishes for a joyous holiday season. Now, in the spirit of the season, start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. (CHUCKLING) # It's the most wonderful time of the year... # (LOUD SQUAWKING) # With the kids jingle belling # # And everyone telling you be of good cheer # # It's the most wonderful time of the year... # (GROWLING) (SNARLING) (GROWLING) CARL: Hey, Homer. I'm your Secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy. Oh my God! A DVD player. And the first season of Magnum P.I. with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently working in Hawaii was a pleasure. Oh Carl, you remembered I like TV. Who's my Secret Santa? Uh, I think it's Homer. Oh yes, I am... Your present is right in the other room. (VENDING MACHINE WHIRRING) Come on machine, take my dollar. Fine. We'll play it your way. (GLASS SHATTERING) Here you go, Lenny. May the spirit of Retsyn be with you all year long. God bless God. Amen. This gift stinks. Homer, you're the most selfish man I know. Oh, come on... Mr. Burns is way more selfish. That evil old bone bag... smelling of death... nose like a vulture... followed everywhere by that kiss-ass Smithers... Yes, that describes Kathy in Personnel to a tee. (SHRIEKS) All right, everyone, it's time for your Christmas "boni." Everyone gets a $5 cafeteria voucher... (ANGRY GRUMBLING) And for your boy, a confectioner's card featuring a current base-baller. It's that rookie from the New York Nine. HOMER: Joe DiMaggio? Yes... it seems they've started letting ethnics into the big leagues. Oh look, it's Kathy. How are things in Personnel? Excellent. I need money for Christmas. Can I get anything for this Joe DiMaggio baseball card? It's kind of old. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid your card is only worth... everything I've got! Everything! Take it! Oh, no. I've smudged it with nacho fingers. I must deftly lick it off. Deftly. Thank you. Freak. And now we return to the 1986 holiday classic... (PLAYING SOULFUL SAX SOLO) # Yeah, yeah # # Oh, Pruny night # # The stars are sweetly wrinkled # # We are the fruit that your grandmother loves # # Yeah... # This is offensive to Christians and prunes. HOMER: Hey, everybody, we're going shopping at the Springfield Heights Promenade. (GASPS) That's the rich people's mall. Let's shop till we droop. I think that's "drop." That's a very violent image, Lisa. # Silver and gold, silver and gold # # Means so much more when I see... # First we'll buy gifts for each other. Then we'll spend the rest of the cash on a Christmas tree so large, its absence from the forest will cause mudslides and flooding. (CHEERING) Cool, a toy store. Awesome. I'm blasting all the state capitals. Take that, Salem, Oregon. Wait a minute, this game is educational. That'll teach you to teach me. Hmm. I think these are my Homie's size. Excuse me, can I ask you a favour? Perfect. I'll take it. Um, we'll do that. Stand back when you open it. Doing pretty good so far. A key ring for Marge, key ring for Bart... (GASPS) Ooh, that thing for me. Oh, God, it's so unnecessary. You have excellent taste. This is our finest talking astrolabe. It also comes with a notepad and a pen that works upside down. I'm upside down so much. Oh, if I buy this, I won't have anything left for a Christmas tree... Today is the birthday of comedienne Margaret Cho. That's the birthday I'm always forgetting. I must have it. What a mall. Can we get our big Christmas tree now? Uh, sure, you know it. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) The biggest tree from the finest lot in town. (TYRES SQUEALING) Stupid jerk! I don't like the looks of this neighbourhood. It's fine. Now everyone just relax, lock your doors, don't make eye contact with anyone and listen to the radio. MAN WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT: Now let's downshift into the holiday spirit with "Christmas Convoy." # A star shone bright that silent night # # Ninety miles out of manger-town # # Haulin' gold and myrrh and frankincense # # Three kings put the hammer down # # 'Cuz we got Christmas convoy # # Ain't she a beautiful thing? # # We gotta roll this truckin' convoy # # To see the newborn king # # Con-voy. # # Ten-four, King of the Jews. # Gorgeous, huh? And quite the bargain. Isn't it kind of dry? Oh, it just needs a little love. Why do the things I love always burn? Isn't it sufficient? I thought we had enough money for a good tree. Homer, is there something you're not telling us? ASTROLABE: It is 6:31pm in Montreal. The moon is waxing tonight. What's that? Uh... Whoo-hoo. Maggie's talking. Hmm... You wasted our money on something extravagant for yourself. There's a trickle-down theory here. If I'm happy, I'm less abusive to the rest of you. No, Dad. This time you were just plain selfish. I am not returnable. (SOBBING) I will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours. (ANNOYING BEEPING) (LOUD SOBBING) This is even sadder than Tuesdays With Morrie. Come on, Marge, I'm not the only selfish person. You have to get your hair done at 'Supercuts.' I guess 'Regular Cuts' just isn't good enough for you. You just don't get it, do you? Christmas is a time to think of others, but today you showed you only care about yourself. That's not true. I cared what you thought once you found out. You can sleep on the couch tonight. Can't you yell at me now and get it over with? No. I'm going to parcel my anger out over the next few days and weeks, jabbing at you just when you seem the most content. (GROANS) I don't need her. I've got you, Astrolabe. Columbia's main export is coffee. Exactly. MAN ON TELEVISION: Now back to The Year Santa Got Lost, starring Jimmy Stewart as the voice of Mr. Mailman. Santa was in an awful pickle. Beatniks had given drugs to the reindeer and they were no darn good. So Santa placed a call to Secretary of Defence Melvin Laird... Jimmy Stewart as a puppet is just wrong. And now back to Mr. McGrew's Christmas Carol. Mr. McGrew. I love that blind, senile old man. (KNOCKING) I can't find my way back to the home. I heard you the first five times. (MOANS) You work on Christmas or you're out of a job. Is that clear, Cratchett? Sir, I'm over here. Ooh-hoo, I'm sorry. Pardon me, ma'am. I see you're expecting. May I listen to the baby's heartbeat? (SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) Oh, McGrew, once again you've mistaken something for something. (MEOWING) McGrew, I am the ghost of Christmas past. You're so selfish, your fiancee is about to leave you. I don't need love, I have money. Sweet, sweet money, yes indeed. Oh, my God. It's like looking at a cartoon version of myself. Spirit, surely there is some time to reform my selfish ways. Come on, Death. Leave McGrew alone. Take Tiny Tim. SCREAMING: No! "Unloved by Al"? No! "Unloved by all." No! (HOMER MOANING, WHIMPERING) MOANING: I'll be good. Dad? Are you OK? (GASPS) Children, children, what day is this? It's Saturday, December 6th. Thank God! There's still four more days till Christmas. I have time to reform my ways. I just saw the greatest cartoon of all time. It was about a miser who was visited by three ghosts at Christmas. And get this ` he learns a lesson! Dad, what you saw was A Christmas Carol. It was written by Charles Dickens 160 years ago. Yeah, TV writers have been milkin' that goat for years. Reform, Ebenezer Urkel. You have alienated everyone who loved you. Did I do that? Report, Mr. Sulu. Captain, there appears to be some sort of spirit from an Earth holiday past. Mr Scott, fire photon torpedoes. It's no use, Captain! He's showin' visions of me future... God, I'm so fat! I said fire! That last one looked kind of good. Marge, TV and nightmares have joined forces to teach me a lesson. From now on, I will stop being selfish and start being good. In fact, I'll be the nicest man in town. You've made that promise before. Yes, but this time I'm sober... ish. Well, the hobos sure will appreciate our old clothes and lima beans. No need, Flanders. I've already given them my old clothes. (MUMBLING) Good-lookin' group. Oh, gee, looks like this town has a Good Sam log-jam. These pants smell worse than my old pants. You're welcome. Listen, Lenny, I know I was a pretty bad Secret Santa, so I wanted to make it up to you. Wow, a photo cube with pictures of us! And I filed down all the sharp corners. See, your eye is completely safe. Oh, wow, it just stings a little! (SOFTLY GASPS) Marge, do you want this last pork chop? I've dreamed of the day you'd say that! (HAPPILY SOBS) Oh, your thoughtfulness tastes so good. (SOBS) And tears are the sweetest sauce. All right, now you're starting to creep me out. (ORGAN PLAYING SOFTLY) (GRUNTING) (GRUNTING) Come on. Why don't you just take my blood? (WHOOSHING) Yes, I'm old. Oh, very nice, Ned. But, uh, I'm afraid you're a distant second this week. HOMER: I'm not looking for glory or wealth. I'm just buying that stairway to heaven Jesus sang of. That was Led Zeppelin. (SCOFFS) Get back to your bong, hippie. (CHUCKLES) Daddy, are you jealous of Brother Homer? Well, maybe just a tad, Todd. I'm jealous of girls cos they get to wear dresses. One problem at a time, boy. Homie, I'm so proud. You changed more than I could have imagined. You're even covering your mouth when you burp. Just like the Pope. (LOUD BURP) Being unselfish is a natural high, like hiking or paint thinner. And here's another act of Christian charity I pulled out of my butt. I built a skating rink for the whole town. (GROANS) Activate the cloaking device! Hm. Oh, I'm so depressed. Engage candy bar. Thank you. # Here come sandwiches, here come sandwiches # # Right down boozy bum lane # # Brother Ned's got cheese on bread # # And a side order of shame # # Bells... # Where the H-E-C-K is everybody? (GASPS) Here's your skates. Oh, you'll have to take off those boots. Those are my feet. Ew. Oh, for the love of puppies. Homer, you're the nicest guy in town. Ha-ha. Your position has been usurped! Usurped! You heard me! Ha-ha, you're sad at Christmas! This just in: Santa Claus is dead. (ALL SCREAM) Or he might as well be, because there's an even fatter man who's holding families at nice-point: Homer Simpson, seen here in this retouched photo. Ooh! That Homer just burns my waffles. Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser! (DOORBELL RINGS) Excuse me, my car broke down. Why, I'll give you a jump. I'll rotate your tyres. I'll even fold up that map for you. I know they can be a dickens of a doozy. Back off, creep! I was looking for Homer Simpson's house. (GROANS) That tears it. I'll show Homer. I'm gonna be the nicest man this world has ever seen. B... I said "man," not "man-God." Keep your pants on. Here you go, Principal Skinner, Mrs. Skinner. You're giving everyone in town a Christmas present? What's your angle, pervert? Oh, my angle is givin' in this world, livin' in the next. But how can you afford all this on a widower's salary? Well, actually, I picked up some extra cash renting out my house to a fraternity. (MUSIC PLAYING, PEOPLE TALKING) ROD: Stay out of our medicine cabinet! Pathetic Flanders, thinking he can buy people's love with thoughtful gifts. Cool. Mr. Flanders gave me a Krusty-brand Operation game. (BUZZER) Oh, you just tweezered my wang. I'll show Flanders. I'm gonna get everyone a car. What's that one good American car? Dad, you don't have to out-do Mr. Flanders. Just remember the spirit of the season. Uh... is it despair? Actually, most people now feel Christmas has gotten too materialistic. In fact, as a Buddhist, I believe people would be a lot happier without presents. Hmm. You've given me a lot to think about. LISA: People would be a lot happier without presents. Presents are material goods, and attachment to material goods kills the soul. (POLICE SIREN BLARING) I'm not going to jail again! (TYRES SQUEAL) I've got it! When everyone's asleep, I'll take away their presents. Then they'll be happy. Thanks, Buddha. I got your badge number. You better hope I never get out. # You're a hero, Homer J # # You're as crafty as a skunk # # They'll thank you in the morning # # For stealing Flander's junk # # Homer J... # You're a double-bacon genius-burger # And just a little drunk. # Now to hear the joyous sound of people waking up on Christmas to discover they have no presents. LENNY: Hey, where's my presents? DOLPH: Some jerk stole Christmas! Ho, I've been robbed! Man, so this is how it feels. I'd better see my shrink... and rob his ass. Someone snuck in and took our presents. (GASPS) Do you think it was Papa? I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left. He didn't leave, he went to the store. And when he comes back, I'll wave those Pop-Tarts right in your face. They don't sound happy, but here comes a mob shaking their fists in gratitude. (ALL YELLING) Give back our presents, stupid man! Your behaviour, it's like` it's like, not sanctioned by any governing body. You're like, wild. Um, shouldn't you all be singing carols or something? (GROANING) (ALL YELLING) Stop! Friends, what Homer did was wrong. But, uh, I've been thinking. Maybe I was just as wrong to give you those gifts. (GROANING) Hey! Wait a minute, everyone! There's your Christmas, up there. (ALL GASP) It's a miracle! That's my last flare. Somebody better come soon. (HOWLING) Oh, thank goodness, rescue dogs! (GROWLING) FLANDERS: "And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not, "'For, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people...'" QUIMBY: Stop that! You can't pray on city property. Let's just say that on this day, a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic, but others don't, and that's cool. But we're probably right. Amen. ALL: Amen. And now, I think the only thing left to do is return all your gifts! Ned? It'd be my pleasure, Homer! (ALL HAPPILY YELLING) Oh, oh, joy. Let's see what we've, uh, got here. Oh, it's a new brassiere. But I don't even have them, but OK, I'll make pretend. What a great Christmas. Not even Moe's annual suicide attempt can ruin it. I ain't got all day, drama queen. Get it over with. I will, and then you'll all wish you was nicer to me. You... ah... who am I kidding? I ain't gonna jump. Oh! # Hark the herald angels sing # # Glory to the newborn king # # Peace on Earth and mercy mild # # God and sinners reconciled... # ASTROLABE: Today is the birthday of our Lord Jesus Christ and singer Barbara Mandrell. Merry Christmas. # ...Above the skies # # Hark the herald angels sing # # Glory to the newborn king. # NELSON: Ha-ha. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 Shh.