* BELL TOLLS Riddle me this ` when is a door not a door? It feels like drowning, doesn't it? When the answer is at the edge of your cortex, but you can't seem to grasp it. You're trying my patience. The answer? When it's ajar. Here's an easy one. What runs around a city but never moves? No? A wall. What do you want, Nigma? I'm in charge, so I'll ask the questions. Try to keep up, won't you? Riddle me this ` what belongs to you but others use it more than you do? Your name. -Huh? You've heard that one. -No. I have Google, like the rest of the world. Why do you talk to me like this, Waller? Simple. I needed to keep you babbling long enough to pinpoint your position. My` What? BOOM! Hands in the air where we can see them. Take him out. Make it hurt. (GROANS) Riddle me this ` why didn't I quit when I was ahead? What is it? Report. The Riddler is mine. Switch to night vision. Secure the perimeter. Holy crap, it's Batman. OPERATIVES GRUNT, GROAN GRUNTING, GUNFIRE BLOWS LAND GUNFIRE HISSING, BUZZING MEN GROAN BATARANG WHIRRS ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, GUNFIRE (GRUNTS) (WHIMPERS) BLOWS LAND (GROWLS, GRUNTS REPEATEDLY) BOTH GRUNT, BLOWS LAND (PANTS) (GRUNTS) (STRAINS) Agh! ACTION MUSIC (PANTS) (GASPS) I know you helped him, Nigma. Tell me where it is. BUZZ! I'm invoking priority level ultraviolet. Assemble Task Force X. We have another suicide mission. MANIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC TYRES SCREECH GUNFIRE BLAM! (GAGS, RETCHES) THUD! CRASH! JAZZ MUSIC CRASH! AGGRESSIVE TECHNO MUSIC WHIRRING CLAMOURING TENSE MUSIC ENGINE REVS GLORIOUS MUSIC BOOM! MARCHING MUSIC QUIRKY MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC QUIRKY MUSIC BUZZER BLARES INTENSE, RISING TECHNO MUSIC TECHNO MUSIC LOUDENS BLOWS LAND Agh! GLASS SHATTERS THWIP! THUD! Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 AUDIBLE, LABOURED BREATHING GROANING (GRUNTS) Strewth, I got the hangover, but I don't recall the party. Oh crap, not this again. THUD! You too? It's like a bloody recurring nightmare. Looks like we got rookies. GROANING, GRUNTING (GRUNTS) Who are you people? And why am I in uniform? No bars, no chains. Time for meat. (GROWLS) BOTH GRUNT Agh! (GRUNTS) You try it, fish-fingers, and I'll show you the meaning of cold-blooded. You're feisty. Everybody, shut up. I've been here before. (YELLS) Ha! I am leaving. Stop. Sit down. I'm Amanda Waller. I'm here to indoctrinate you convicts into our special forces. KILLER FROST: Pass. I kill to keep degenerates off the streets. I won't work alongside them. Fresh air and time off my sentence? Feel free to keep calling me up, love. Task Force X is an off-the-books government strike team... ...made up of convicts with no hope for release... ...serving as expendable agents for impossible missions. Succeed and I'll shave time off your sentences. If we don't? You'll be dead. Any other stupid questions? Yeah, what's in my neck? A tracker? Yes. And a powerful nanotech explosive. Run away, get yourself captured, disobey an order... ...hell, give me a right answer too slowly, and I'll blow your head clean off. You lie. You would not take all of this trouble just to kill us. Try me. BEEPING (GASPS) BOOM! THUD! THUD! Anyone else? I didn't think so. What's so dangerous this time that you had to send in the newbies? You're going to break into Arkham Asylum. -That's insane. -Don't want much, do you (?) -Screw that. -I don't do freaky-deakies. Yahtzee! How do we start? Oh! I like you, cowboy. You're loco, and me likey your loco-motion. Ah! What's the plan? A week ago, while in my employ, a lowlife calling himself the Riddler... ...managed to gain access to my computer system. He downloaded a file containing the identities and histories... ...of every current, past and potential member of the Suicide Squad. Including ours. That's right. He's threatening to release them all on the Internet. You're going to get it back. Riddler's got one copy, and it's on a thumb drive in his cane... ...which is currently locked away in the Arkham property room. In the intensive treatment building, right under the solitary confinement cells. Good times. So we get someone inside. Is it me? Can it be me? Dibs! She's a wild card. Harley Quinn has encyclopaedic knowledge of Arkham's layout and its logistics. She gonna be okay that close to the Joker? I'm fine. We're done. He's a jerk. Whatever. Well, I'm convinced. You'll be snuck into Gotham. You'll rendezvous with a power broker who will set you up for the break-in. This is as off-the-grid as it gets, so let's keep the body count to a minimum. Deadshot, rubber bullets only. What about The Bat? He has his hands full on another case. In fact, we work it right, we might be able to take advantage of him. Waller. What, Lawton? Play fair and I'll shoot straight. Jerk me around and I'll kill you. Be a good convict, Lawton. Don't make me blow you up. I'm clear. Gas them. What them? * (SOFT PANTING) (GRUNTS) I'm getting tired of this trick. You and me both, cowboy. Maybe when we get into Gotham, I can show you around. I know some tight places. Not interested. (HUFFS) I told you, Harley. If you're giving it out, heave a chunk my way, eh? Meh, you wish. Shake your boomer-wang at the shark guy. Do it, and I'll bite it off. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY) Come on, Harl. For old time's sake? Are we gonna have a problem this time around? I think we might, mate. No. BLADE SINGS Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't trust vermin. Honourless, rudderless, undisciplined. They'll never find your body. HARLEY: Oh, ninjas are awesome! (GRUNTS) BUZZER BLARES You think that means we're there? THUDDING, WHIRRING INDISTINCT SHOUTING I hate heights! (GROANS) (GROANS) (CACKLES) Whee! We're not gonna make it. Waller, please! (GROWLS) (LAUGHS) Remember this feeling, convicts. I hold your lives in my hands. You crazy bitch. Open the damn chutes. Do it. Now! ALL SCREAM (GRUNTS, SCREAMS) (CONTINUES SCREAMING) BOOM! Good one. Good shark. Gross. Where's Harley? Don't worry, I fell on my head. Great. How do we get to the rendezvous unseen? WHOOSH! A few more miles. Keep moving then. (GROANS) FOOMF! Agh! This is flipping bonkers. Sloshing through sewage so a guy dressed like a bat won't spot us? You wanna head topside, slick, be my guest. Nah, we're practically there. Yeah, that's what I thought. DANCE MUSIC PULSES Cobblepot. We're closed. Private party. Yeah, we're the private party. DANCE MUSIC POUNDS This way. He's waiting on you. Your guests have arrived, Mr Cobblepot. Right, right. Come in. Welcome to the Iceberg Lounge. I'm just finishing my supper. (CHOMPS LOUDLY) Pardon me, Mr Cobblepot. Lawton? Oh, I never pegged Deadshot for a team player. Oh, things are tough all over, sir. (LAUGHS) That's a good one. This man is the best assassin I've ever seen. And I only work with the best. I aim to please, Mr Cobblepot. I was told you can get us into Arkham? I can indeed. I've made arrangements to sneak you into the crazy farm. Follow them to` You. Clown! You're not still mad about that truck, are you, Pengy? MOCKINGLY: Wah-wah. GUNS COCK It feels like you are. You cost me money, funny girl. Her and her looney boyfriend nicked my truck of cigarettes and drove it into the river. Just for a laugh! Does it matter that Mr J and I aren't together anymore? Nobody steals from me and walks away. It's bad business, love. You're right, you should kill her. Hell, I'll kill her for you. Oh, come on! Except you know what else is bad for business, sir? Double-crossing your clients. And I would hate for folks to say Mr Cobblepot takes your money and kills your operatives. Get her out of my sight, Lawton. There's your files. Memorize the contents. You can grab some shuteye in the rooms above. You deploy tomorrow night under the cover of darkness... ...and then I never want to see any of you on my turf again. Now get the hell out of here! Ever the charmer, aren't you? Bite me, Boomer. RISING TECHNO MUSIC INTENSE TECHNO MUSIC # Yeah! # Yeah! TECHNO MUSIC CONTINUES LAUGHTER Oi, Lawton. Nice shave, mate. We got off on the wrong foot at the start of this mission. Hoist a pint with us. Can't. It's a school night. Suit yourself. How about a friendly game of darts then? MEN CHEER MEN LAUGH ALL GASP Lucky shot. Right. Let's see you do it. MEN CHEER Sorry, mate. Looks like that one took a bad bounce. Oof! THUD! Let's call it even, mate. SOFT BEEPING Louise. It's Amanda. I have a special assignment for you ` something I'd rather keep between the two of us. I'm listening. Welcome back. Did you miss me? What do you want? I got an itch I thought you could help me scratch, cowboy. Whoa! Oh! Good start. Ah, what the hell. (LAUGHS) Ugh! OBJECTS CLATTER Yahtzee! BRAKES SQUEAK Here's my stop. Wish me luck, cowboy. ACTION MUSIC (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS REPEATEDLY) There's gotta be one here somewhere. (STRAINS) You know where he put it, don't you? Uh-oh. Where is it, Harley? No idea what you're talking about. (YELLS) Answers. Now. (GRUNTS) Back off, Bats. (GRUNTS) BATARANGS WHIRR KICK LANDS Ugh! BOTH GRUNT, BLOWS LAND Where is it? What's he talking about? (SCOFFS) Who knows what these wankers get worked up about. I don't know. I swear. I'm not firing blind against The Bat. Waller, what the devil's going on? You don't get to call me up and demand answers, Deadshot. What are they talking about? Joker stole a dirty bomb and hid it somewhere in Gotham. Apparently it's large enough that the radiation would kill half the population. Batman's torn the city apart trying to find it. At one point he thought Riddler might know. The Joker has a dirty bomb? That gives me the chills. Ice puns? Really? Waller, this is crap. I don't care, convict, do your job. Honestly, B-man, I don't know where Mr J puts half of his stuff. BEEPING, WHIRRING I just wanted a Chatty Boo-Boo doll before they went on sale tomorrow. SIRENS WAIL, TYRES SCREECH INDISTINCT RT CHATTER Get her back to Arkham. Will do, Batman. Get in there, you nutty broad. FOREBODING MUSIC SIRENS WAIL * THUNDER RUMBLES MENACING MUSIC (MUMBLES, WHIMPERS) THUNDER CRASHES BUZZER BLARES (GROANS) WHIRRING Mwah! BUZZER BLARES Ugh! CHOMPS, CHEWS NOISILY I'm in the middle of lunch. Now I gotta process this dizzy dame? THUD! Crazy, huh? Why don't I just toss her in her old cell and come back? Yeah, right. I got half a dozen new forms to fill out before you can even come in. WHIRRING SOFTLY: We've got minutes to plant the device. FUNKY, TENSE MUSIC Where should I dump her? Put it through the X-ray machine. WHIRRING, TRILLING Don't get much deader than that. This one's cold as ice. Hey, buddy, I got nothing in the system about accepting a new body. FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES Yeah! (GRUNTS, GROANS) SNAP! BUZZ! Ugh. It says, "Not found." I came from inside. Run it again. Nah, something's wrong. I'm gonna have to get security. The junction box is up ahead, so move your ass. Harley? (GASPS) Is it really you? Shit. Don't screw this up. Aren't you even going to say hello? (LAUGHS) Um... Guys, you gotta see this. Joker just spotted Harley. (LAUGHS) Keep walking. Tell him to shut up. Aw. I can tell you're still sore. At least the bruises cleared up nicely. (LAUGHS EVILLY) What's your hurry, Harl? (LAUGHS CRAZILY) SCREAM: Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! Damn it. (SIGHS) Let's move. GUNFIRE CONTINUES Maybe she'll kill him. I hate you, you bastard! Ugh! I'll kill him! I'll kill him myself for what he's done to me. GUNFIRE (LAUGHS) Women. Am I right, officer? Can't live with them, can't kick them out of a moving car. BOTH GRUNT You know the rules, buddy. I gotta phone it in. She's dead. THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! (GRUNTS SOFTLY) (GROWLS SOFTLY) How much trouble could she be? Nothing goes in or out of Arkham without being OK'd. But... give me a sec, I'll try to get a hold of the watch commander. RINGING TONE Run it again. I've tried twice, sir. I can't lose this job because your system is down. TENSE MUSIC TRILLING Come on, you amateurs. BOTH GRUNT (ROARS) (GROWLS) (TUTS) Sorry, hon. Bulletproof. Even better. Pudding. Why, Harley, if I didn't know better, I'd say you're trying to kill me. We're finished, you and me. I got someone new now. Someone better. (GROWLS) Oh hell. This'll have to do. BEEPING STATIC HISSES Never mind. Just came through. About time. WHEELS RATTLE TRILLING Sorry, it's an old system. No problem. Let's see what goodies we've got. SHOCKING MUSIC Oh shit! (GASPS) (WHIMPERS) ICE CRACKLES ICE SHATTERS How`? THUD! Ugh! Agh! Me goolies. (GROANS) That's payback, you dumb-ass. Walk it off, Captain Kangaroo. (GROANS) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CUTLERY CLATTER BEEP! BEEP! WHIRRING CRASH! CRASH! Come on, we're out of time. New guy? That's right. You're not jealous, are you? That's him. I know you. We worked together once. No, wait, don't tell me, don't tell me. Deadhead? Hmm? Buckshot? (CACKLES) METAL THUDS, RATTLES (HUFFS, SCREAMS) I got her. You can have her. Bet you buy your shirts second-hand too. (SNIGGERS) BEEP! BEEP! LONG BEEP, LOUD ZAPPING BOOM! ELECTRICITY ZAPS BOOM! DRAMATIC MUSIC BUZZER BLARES Sir, we've got an explosion on Level E. He's still secure, sir. Is that room service? Tell them I never got my calzone. Good. I need every available security down in the kitchen, stat. We're on yellow alert. ALL STRAIN ALL GROAN -You're late. -Ran into her ex. Grab hold. Put your back into it. METAL CREAKS, ALL GROAN Hey. Nobody's supposed to be down there. We just snuck down here for a little party. HARLEY GIGGLES What kind of party? (GIGGLES) Crap, you're Harley Quinn! Don't move, you crazy bit` (ROARS) MENACING MUSIC WATER SPLASHES THUD! (RETCHES) I hate Italian food. DING! WHIRRING DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC Has that kitchen fire been contained? Yes, sir. DOOR THUDS, RATTLES (GRUNTS) AGGRESSIVE TECHNO MUSIC BEEP! BEEP! - Lawton. - What? GPS has you in the main security hub. What's going on? We own it, that's what. Now we grab the cane. Don't get too cocky, Lawton. You're at the point of no return. You best keep that in mind. That gas explosion put the whole bloody asylum on yellow alert. If the security cameras make us, we're toast. So shut down all the security cams. That's a sure-fire way to alert The Bat. What then? Let him watch us run around like idiots? SHARK: Play yesterday's footage. Aw. Shark Week had his first thought. Shut it, Boomer. Say it again. Play yesterday's footage at the same time. I can do that. And we can operate without eyes on us. You mean Batman's or Waller's? Both. The intensive treatment building is there, just across the yard. Let's move. Low profile. Frost. Move your ass. * TENSE MUSIC Top priority are those towers. I can scale them. No time. ELECTRONIC TRILLING, BEEPING (GRUNTS) You do two, I'll do two. Fine. On my mark. Now. BOOMERANGS WHIRR, GUARDS GASP, GROAN -You missed. -Wait for it. Patrol, I need a sweep of the yard. THUD! Ugh! THUNDER CRASHES Boom! In your face. He got to his walkie. I'd score that a miss, you two-bit C-lister. That's it! BOTH GRUNT, BLOWS LAND USA! USA! Boys, we got company. BOTH GROWL Shark, no! Finally, some action. (GROWLS, ROARS) GUARDS GRUNT So much for low profile. (LAUGHS) Whoo! GUNFIRE, GRUNTING BLOWS LAND Ooh! THUD! Status report. I've got you in the exercise yard, but you don't show up on the cameras. ROCK MUSIC THUD! Must be something wrong with the system. Ugh! Damn it. We're a little busy right now. GUNFIRE, GRUNTING I'll call you back. Don't yank me around, convict. Get the cane. Get out. RAPID GUNFIRE WHIRRING (GRUNTS) Agh! (SCREAMS, GRUNTS) Yahtzee. SIRENS WAIL Victor Zsasz, we got you surrounded. Please. Please don't hurt me. Let the girl go before it gets ugly. The zombie's mine to liberate. I have righteous work to do. MENACING MUSIC I'm not in the mood tonight, Zsasz. (GASPS) WOMAN SCREAMS (PANTS) You seem troubled tonight, sir. It's Harley, Alfred. She was acting... odd. Odder than usual, you mean? Like she was happy to get caught. Maybe she missed her, uh, 'pudding'. Maybe. More likely it's linked to the Joker's bomb. Arkham had a yellow alert this evening. Everything looks to be in place. Hmm. That's Moshell. He doesn't work Fridays. Neither does Ferrick. That's the Thursday crew. This isn't live. They're broadcasting old footage. Something's wrong at Arkham. BOOM! TYRES SCREECH (PANTS, WHIMPERS) No, no. (GROWLS) Enough, Shark! Put him down! Agh! Oh! Kya! THUD! Ouch! (GROWLS) Do I have your attention now? THUNDER CRASHES Don't break cover in the middle of an operation unless I say so. (GRUNTS) Don't ever do that to me. Or what? You'll chew my head off? CLICK! Do it. I'm begging you. You think any of you have a shot of getting out alive without me? TENSE MUSIC (HUFFS) That's what I thought. We're just lucky this was contained. Start following orders, all of you. Why don't you just calm down, pudding? Don't call me pudding! THUNDER RUMBLES Property room's down here. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! TRILLING Locked. Not for long. CLANG! (GRUNTS, STRAINS) Now that's just pathetic. The warden uses his birthday backwards for practically all of his passwords. How do you know that? I used to work here. Didn't I mention that? Come on. As what? As a psychiatrist, silly. And pal, anyone who throws boomerangs has some real issues letting go. LOUD HISSING Et voila. TENSE MUSIC Where do we even begin? Everyone take a section. Just start looking. Bloody hell. (GASPS, LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) My acid playing cards. I knew I left them here. Here's that Batman costume Mr J used for the train heist. Oh! I've been looking all over for this. Here's where it went. (GIGGLES) Bingo. Firefly. Killer moth. Maxie Zeus. Never heard of any of these tools. Mr Freeze's gun. Score. (STRAINS) (GASPS, GRUNTS) Thanks. ZING! SHOCKING MUSIC Ugh! Agh! BLOWS LAND It's Batman! ACTION MUSIC GRUNTING WHIRRING PUNCHES WHOOSH BOOM! ICE CRACKS Uh... RAPID GUNFIRE (GRUNTS) Agh! CRASH! BLOWS LAND, GRUNTING ELECTRICITY ZAPS ACTION MUSIC BLOWS LAND, BOTH GRUNT SHARP WHIRRING THUD! (GRUNTS) BOOMERANGS WHIRR, EXPLODE BOOM! GRUNTING THUD! (LAUGHS) Hai-ya-ya! Ya-ya-ya! (LAUGHS CRAZILY) Agh! Oh! Whoa! CRASH! BOOM! WHIRRING WHIRRING, ICE CRACKLES BOTH GRUNT (ROARS) CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! ELECTRICITY WHIRRS (ROARS) POWER BUZZES, BLOWS LAND Ugh! THUD! POWER ZAPS, CRACKLES (YELLS) (GROWLS) Hah! (GRUNTS) (GROWLS) POWER BUZZES (SCREAMS, GROANS) ZOOM! BOOM! METAL CREAKS LOUD CREAKING IRON BAR CLANGS (GROANS) (GASPS) BOOM! Agh! Ah! Ugh! LOUD RUMBLING Ugh! (GROANS) (GROWLS) Huh? SOFT TENSE MUSIC No way. The spoils of war. Black Spider just kicked The Bat's ass? Mate, I'm a little choked up. Got the thumb drive. What?! What the hell? We've been played. Where's Frosty? Frost? Damn it. Frost! (HUMS) Easy. (CHUCKLES) I knew Waller would send someone. I'm too clever for her to let me live. Nothing gets past you, genius. I'll make this fast. Do you even know why you're assassinating me? The Wall says you screwed her and to make an example out of you. And that satiated your curiosity? I don't ask questions. I don't believe that. The human mind always has questions. (GASPS) My only question is why Waller didn't just blow your head off with your nano bomb. It's the same reason she needs me dead. Because I know how to diffuse them. Wait, what? How do you know she's with the Riddler? She was eyeballing him at the monitor room. So, she's got herself a new guy. After everything I've done for her. We'll see about that. I'll make five more just like her. I'll take her skin and put someone else in it. Oh, that perfect creamy skin. Pull yourself together, man! She mocked you right to your face! Even dared to call you... ...pudding! Oh, that darling girl! She might even deserve me. (GRUNTS, LAUGHS) Okay, babies, let's cook. POWER ZAPS Winner, winner, chicken dinner. (CHORTLES) Oh, Harley, I take back half the horrible things I've done to you. (CACKLES) * They're gone! BEEP! BEEP! Yeah, we can see that, Harley, but where? BEEP! BEEP! It's Waller. I'm here. What are you trying to pull, Deadshot? You're not checking in. We had a bout with The Bat. But we're past it. I got your cane, Waller. We're just looking for an exit. So you're all together? Of course. Why wouldn't we be? Then why has the Special Crimes unit been called in to protect the medical centre? Maybe Two-Face got a pair of haemorrhoids. We're out of here. Please don't explode. Please don't explode. Please don't explode. Shut up. Where's that medical centre? We're still on yellow alert. You hear something? Let me check. Hey, remember that time when Mad Hatter`? Ugh! THUD! Smitty? Smitty? Boo. Ah! Smitty! Put your hands in the air! (GASPS) And boom. (GASPS, GROANS, COUGHS) (WHISTLES 'JINGLE BELLS') I'm just going to slip into something more comfortable. So no peeking. TENSE MUSIC This is the Special Crimes unit. Surrender and return to your cells. Light them up! RAPID GUNFIRE That worked well. Then like the hanged man, we are at the end of our rope. Wow, I hate you. Ugh! Agh! Ugh! RAPID GUNFIRE You can thank us later, losers. (GRUNTS) BOOMERANG WHIRRS Ah! You all right? Somewhat. Glad you made it. GUNFIRE This better be good. He knows how to turn off the bombs. Look familiar? I can do it, but you've got to get me into the medical centre. We got maybe five minutes before Waller figures out what's what. GUNFIRE We get to that room or we're dead. BOOMERANG: Should've brought a tank. (EXCLAIMS) (WHIMPERS) (PANTS) No heights. You're joking. I said, no heights! I'll guide you. Trust me. (GROANS) I'm crazy, but that's just nuts! Step on it. (GROWLS, ROARS) Go to the right. MEN SHOUT GROANING, GRUNTING (GROWLS) MEN GRUNT, ICE SHATTERS CLANG! (GROANS) Let's move. TENSE MUSIC (GROANS) Did we win? (PANTS, GROANS SOFTLY) Let's see now. We'll need this on, this for back-up. Grab a chair. Whee! How do you diffuse this bomb, exactly? It's the electroshock. It's the what now? I'm gonna run 1000 volts through your heads and fry your bombs. Ooh! WHEELS SQUEAK Good. Put the chairs in a circle here around Old Sparky. Oh, I love electroshock! It's a shiatsu massage for your brain. Lose those. I'll keep a lookout. More cops. Choppers too. This'll work? Or give you a grand mal seizure. CLICK! I'm clamping you to the chairs because you're going to wiggle. I don't trust this fruit loop. Thousand volts, five bodies, multiply by five, allow for absorption, three-second pulses.... You know what you're doing, right? BEEPING Damn it. Don't stop working. Yeah, Waller? I am getting reports there's a break-in at Arkham. You're on red alert. News to me. What part of 'off the books' do you not understand? Are you in the medical centre? We hit a snag. Batman again? Spider needed medical attention. Spider? But he's` No excuses, Lawton! You get that? Uh, uh-huh. No more crap! No more time! No more shenanigans! Uh-huh. POWER ZAPS, ALL GROAN (CACKLES) (SCREECHES) HIGH-PITCHED WHIRRING PIERCES Ah! TENSE MUSIC Those scumbags are trying to screw me. GROANING, WHIMPERING (PANTS HEAVILY) (GROANS, BREATHES HEAVILY) (HUMS) < (PANTS SOFTLY) I never need to do that again. (HUFFS) Are you kidding? I feel great! Nobody screws the Wall! BUZZER BLARES Uh, guys? Do it again. I don't know. Maybe his skin is too thick? (GROANS, GRUNTS) BOOM! Ah! (GROANS) BOOM! Best gun ever. Oi. Why'd his head explode? Because the bomb in his neck didn't diffuse, you asshole. So what's his excuse? (LAUGHS) Oh, that's rich. (LAUGHS) Huh? (GASPS) Denzel! What have they done to you? (CACKLES) Haven't you solved it yet? The Black Spider is Batman. GUNSHOTS RING, RICOCHET Agh! ALL SCREAM SCREAMING IN DISTANCE I know that sound. Someone's flossing their brain. THUD! Ugh! Ugh! Talk! Why are you here? Amanda Waller wanted the Riddler dead. Waller? What's she got`? GUNSHOTS RING I'm here, bitches! And I brought favours for everybody! (CACKLES) ALL GROAN, WHIMPER BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! (GRUNTS) (CACKLES) GUNSHOTS RING (GRUNTS) Ooh! (LAUGHS) CLANG! Ugh! EXPLOSIONS BOOM Ugh! Hey! FRANTIC MUSIC (GROANS, GASPS) GUNSHOTS RING GLASS SHATTERS GUNSHOTS RING Ugh! Agh! (GRUNTS) Yahtzee! TENSE MUSIC (WHISTLES 'JINGLE BELLS') I think this was yours, Deadhead. Finders, keepers. Pudding! You're free. THWACK! Ugh! Ugh! CLATTERING Don't you pudding me. I go away and suddenly you've got new friends. Even picked a new guy. You got it all wrong, baby. I was using them to help you escape. Who else would I break into Arkham for? Nobody, that's who. It'll be just like old times. Ooh! (BOTH SIGH) (GIGGLES) Hmm. You. New guy. I don't like people touching my stuff. Go ahead. You're out of bullets. I am not! You are. You're gonna pull the trigger, and when nothing happens, I'm gonna punch you in the throat and bash your brains out. Three. Two. One. Hold on. Stop counting for a second. I know there are bullets. See? BOTH GRUNT CLICK! (LAUGHS) Mate, you just out-crazied the Joker. INDISTINCT RT CHATTER This place is crawling with cops. I'm gonna kill Waller. (SCREAMS, GRUNTS) Ooh! (COCKS GUN) Mallet. It's right here, Mr J. I was keeping it safe for you the whole` Ah! (CHORTLES) DEVICE WHIRRS It's time for a very big bang. * (PANTS) Why the hell are we running? We're sitting ducks here. And whose fault is that, do you suppose, leader? I've been carrying this team all night, you douche bag. -Uh, fellas? -Really? -Is that what you'd call it, eh? -Guys. Guys, listen. Yeah, that's what I'd call it, you one-gimmick hack. Great, let's split up. I'm better off on my own. Guys! Batman's here! Joker. Where did he go? Don't owe you squat, Bats. Ugh! Lawton? We can settle our business later. Now, where's the Joker? He and Harley took their mallet and disappeared. That's where he's hidden the bomb. Sibilance, testing. Sibilance. I know you can see me, Bats. Hope you brought protection, because I'm about to give Gotham a terminal case of tainted love, and it's really gonna burn. (CHORTLES) And just in case you were thinking of stopping me, I figured I'd invite some friends to my big blow-out. BUZZER BLARES BUZZ! GATE RATTLES INMATES CLAMOUR HISSING ANGUISHED GROANING GUNFIRE (CACKLES) RAPID GUNFIRE, BOTH GRUNT MENACING MUSIC HISSING Stop! Please? LOUD WHIRRING, WHOOSHING BOTH SCREAM I need to find Joker and stop that bomb. INMATES CLAMOUR Good luck with that, mate. Gotta get out of here. Yeah, but what'll get us far enough to escape that blast? CHOPPER WHIRRS Well, isn't that convenient? (GRUNTS) BOTH GROAN (PANTS) ALARM BLARES INDISTINCT SHOUTING THWACK! (ROARS) Ugh! Agh! Out of my way, loser. ICE SHATTERS (ROARS) RAPID GUNFIRE MEN SHOUT Mm. Mm. Ah. RAPID GUNFIRE, GRUNTING Ah! Ugh! SIREN WAILS (GROWLS) KILLER FROST SCREAMS, SIREN WAILS BOOM! Ugh! BOTH GRUNT Oh, no, you don't, Lawton. That's my ride. BOOMERANGS WHIRR GUNSHOTS RING Agh! ALARM BLARES TENSE MUSIC CONTROLS BEEP, POWER UP (GROANS) Only one of us is getting out of here, and it ain't you. (SCREAMS) I'll get you for this, Lawton! Get those gates closed. CLAMOURING CRASH! (ROARS) RAPID GUNFIRE, MEN SCREAM Where's our backup? RAPID GUNFIRE ROARING, HORN BLARES CRASH! GUNSHOTS RING (GROWLS) ELECTRONIC WHIRRING BOOM! HOSES CREAK (SCREAMS) MEN SCREAM (ROARS) (ROARS) Now that's what I call backup. HISSING SQUELCHING GUNSHOTS RING BOOM! SCREAMING, YELLING BEEPING, TRILLING DRAMATIC MUSIC WORMS SCREAM We've got it under control, Batman. You can take` And I'm talking to myself. Again. Going my way, handsome? Cute kid. Hope she doesn't take being an orphan too hard. (CACKLES) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) BOTH GRUNT, BLADE SINGS, GUNSHOTS RING THUD! BOTH GRUNT, BLOWS LAND ALARM BLARES Huh? (GRUNTS) Holy crap! BOTH GROAN, GRUNT BLOWS LAND You know she's gonna kill us, right? (WHIMPERS) BEEP! BEEP! ALARM BLARES (GASPS) Agh! Ooh! Ah! Where's the fricking gas pedal? CONTROLS BLIP, TRILL ROCKETS HISS, BOOM (CHUCKLES EVILLY) THUD! Huh? BOTH GRUNT Uh-oh. ALARM BLARES (GASPS, SCREAMS) Ugh! Agh! (GROANS) GLASS CLINKS, SHATTERS Sure, he smacks me around sometimes, but you're the one who's always hurting me. Now I'm gonna hurt you. (GRUNTS) Ugh! (ROARS) BOTH GRUNT (GROANS) Stop me if you've heard this one. ACID HISSES Oh. (SCREAMS) Listen to me. Ugh! (SCREAMS) Harley, the bomb. (GROWLS, GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) THUD! BEEPING (CHUCKLES) Hah! GLASS SHATTERS Ugh. (GROANS) (GRUNTS) (LAUGHS) Ugh! BLOWS LAND FLESH RIPS Agh! (SCREAMS) KICKS, BLOWS LAND (ROARS) Ugh! For someone who's not Batman, you've been a real pain in my ass. (CACKLES) Deuces, new guy. (GROWLS) THUD! (GRUNTS) THUD! Agh! BLOWS LAND (GROANS) (PANTS) Have a seat, pudding! METAL CREAKS LOUD CREAKING Bang. (CHUCKLES) (CACKLES, WHOOPS) BEEPING JOKER WHOOPS, CACKLES BOOM! SIRENS WAIL Waller. You knew when you sent your little suicide squad into Arkham, they'd go off script. Oh, it's just you. When your bombs didn't ice them, you figured the SCU would. All that, just so you could kill the Riddler. Let's just say I break a lot of eggs to make an omelette. And because you're a messy cook, the Riddler was able to escape. I got careless. My men will get Nigma next time. There is no next time. No? We're the US government. Who's going to blow the whistle on us? The convicts? Who'd believe them? You? You gonna start a blog and expose us? I don't think so. That's checkmate, Batman. I'm warning you. Enough. Don't they need you back in your squalid little city? They never did find the Joker's body, did they? Punk. HIGH-PITCHED WHIRRING Motherfu` ROCK MUSIC Bang. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016