9 D'oh! (screams) Bart, I got it! (grunts) (barking) I ran here as fast as I... (groans) Bart, that creepy kid is here! (birds squawk) Hey, Milhouse. Oh, what's this? 'Psycho Cycle Conversion Kit?!' Oh, wow, this will look great on my bike. Flame decal for the chain guard, Marine Corps tassels, bullet-proof seat and a rub-on tattoo for that 'special someone.' That's me. 'Biker chick?' Oh! # Why don't you come with me, little girl # # On a magic carpet ride # Now to turn on the moto-mimic. (engine revs like motorcycle) Sounds like a motorcycle gang. And we don't have backup. We better lay low. But, Chief, what if they like pizza? Way ahead of you, Lou. (engine revving) Haw-haw. It's the baby bike brigade. Hey, Bart, I used to have a bike like that... back before I was born. Oh, no. They've got big-boy bikes. Thanks for the tassels. (laughing) Hey, give those back. Gentlemen, first gear. (grunts) Oh, man, I sure I wish I had a 10-speed bike. A 10-speed bike? What did your mother say? What did your mother say? She said yes. MARGE: I said no. I'm confused. Which is it? It's no. His old bike is fine. Yeah, the kitchen lady's right. No new bike while your old one still works. I see. So if my old bike didn't work, I would automatically get a new one? That's right. No questions asked. (chuckles) Boy, I'm really gonna miss you. We've really had some great... Ooh, a Mercedes! (car crash) What the Halle Berry? Yes! (gasps): My bike! My crappy, crappy bike! I'm very sorry, Bart. I'll pay for a new bike. (low chuckling) (meows) This was a wake-up call. From now on, I'll keep my eyes on the road and off my 'Kool and the Gang' air freshener. Celebration's over, boys. (cat screeches, thump) (gasps) Snowball! (sobbing) Snowball II, I can't believe you're gone. I wrote this poem for you. It's called 'Cat Math.' 'Four paws plus one tail plus nine lives 'equals one special cat. One special cat minus nine lives equals one sad little girl.' (sobbing) I know how you feel, Lis. No kid wants to outlive their pet. (sobs) Oh, Sweetie, when I was your age I lost my guinea pig, Cinnamon. And I thought the pain would never... (gasps) (cries): Oh, Cinnamon! It should've been me who chewed through that extension cord. There, there. You're both right. Son, would you like to ride your new bike out of the store? Can I, for true? For true, son. Hey, pally, I don't wanna downshift your enthusiasm, but that's a floor model. Your bike is in here. I could put it together right now for a small assembly fee. Here we go. Now it starts with the fees. I'll assemble it myself. Dad, no. Think of the bike. I can make a bike. I made you. Yeah, great workmanship. Hey, that's gonna win you a lot of bar bets some day. Oh, man, this is so confusing. What the hell is this? (groans): Oh... (gasps) (yawns): Bike's over there. You actually did it. You're the coolest, Dad. (chuckles, then snores) Look what my Dad just built for me. (impressive murmuring) Hey, guys. This butt's for you. Oh no! No one does this to Dolph. No one! (chuckling) Uh-oh. Whoa. (grunts and groans) I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream. Haw-haw! Your dad's not handy. Son, are you OK? I brought a home-made first aid kit. It's spring-loaded for quick access. D'oh! (screaming) (sighs) Bart, I got it! * MAN: We now return to Robot Rumble on the Testosterone Network! ANNOUNCER: Congratulations to our winning father-and-son team, who will receive a free appetiser at Fuzzy Zoeller's Green Jacket Steak House. And you won't be teed off when you come in, because our steaks are cooked to par-fection, our leader-board is filled with scrumptious... two more pages? I'm not reading this. Hey, boy, what do you say we build a robot? Face it, you're not the most mechanical guy in the world. But you're good at other things: like... eating while driving. That's something. And nobody gets madder at the news. First of all, thank you. Secondly... My son thinks I'm an oaf. Mom, I'm not sure I'm ready for a new cat. When Bad Things Happen To Cute Children says that a new pet will pull you out of your sorrow cycle. That book doesn't know how I feel. Oh, it's very wise. It's written by a rabbi ` who surfs! All right, I'll look. Too fluffy, too Siamese, too needy, too stuck-up, infected eye, clearly a skunk. (gasps) Me-ow! Welcome to the family, Snowball III. Welcome to the family, Snowball III. (purring) There's nothing worse than the look on a boy's face when he says, 'Dad, I don't think you can build a fully-functional robot.' (screams) (screams) Robot, I command you: do something cool. (whirring and clanking) Oh, I could quit now... but then my son will never look up to me. Oh, why was I born a dad? Why... do... I... suck? Wait a minute. What is it my dad always said to me? If you can't build a robot... be a robot. That's it! (Krusty laughing) It's Tuesday the 1st. If you live in Krusty Brand low income housing, your rent is due. (screams) 'Dear Bart, if this robot doesn't prove I love you, then you can both go to Hell.' Hey, it didn't fall apart. Cool. Now, stop. Smash this six-pack. Awesome! I got to tell Milhouse. Oh, the beer's gone. I'll have to suck it out of the shag. (loud slurping) (to tune of 'Hokey Pokey'): # You plop the cat food down # # You toss the tin can out # # You drop the worm pills in and you stir it all about # # You add a lot of lovin' and you serve it to your cat # # That's what it's all a... # Snowball III? (gasps) (sobbing) Oh, Lisa... Honey, it's OK. You're a Buddhist, so you know your cats are now reincarnated as a higher form of life. Like a dog, or a snowman. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust... We've got to go fight some robots. Come on, Homer. How long does it take to go to the bathroom? Huh? 'Dear, Bart...' Well, I wish Homer was here. But don't worry. I've got a name all picked out for you. Chief Knockahomer, let's win this one for Dad! (bleeps and bloops) ANNOUNCER: In this corner, operated by Frank Murray and little Frankie Jr... Buzzkill! And in this corner, the challenger, Chief Knockahomer! There's no love lost between these emotionless devices. Robots rumble. (bell dings) Go, go, go! Go, go! Geez, I'm the only one in the audience over 15. Are you here with your children, sir? Uh, yeah, my two kids... Screw... and you. (screams) ANNOUNCER: What's this? Knockerhomer has dropped his hammer. Ow! Doing it for the boy. I'm doing it for the boy. Pain is love. To bleed is to care. ANNOUNCER: Can robots feel pain? If so, we are horrible, horrible people. (groaning) He's killing him softly with his saw. Killing him softly? Killing him softly? With his saw! (crowd cheering) Woo-hoo! I mean, beep-beep. Mom, I'm not sure if I'm ready to open my heart again, but this kitten's name is Coltrane. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe it's a sign. Coltrane? Lisa, I'm glad you're ready to love again. But a kitty needs a proper name, like Whiskers. Or Paws Scaggs. Well, I think it's only fair I get to name him. You got to name me. You should be glad I did. Your father wanted to call you Bartzeena. Coltrane, would you like to hear some music written by your namesake? (playing 'Blue Train') (playing 'Blue Train') (screeching) Coltrane? Coltrane, you were with us only briefly, but we'll always have the ride home from the shelter. And, um... I guess that's it. Amen. And, Lord, if you think I'm making lemon bars for your bake sale Sunday, you'd better stop killing our cats. Mom, I'm not sure God responds to threats and intimidation. It's the only way to talk to bullies. Then Knockahomer did three victory laps and pretended to drink a beer. (chuckles) Pretended. Dad, what are all those cuts? Various bug bites and wounds. Now, stop interrupting your brother. In my day, mechanical men had funnel hats and showed respect. Then it all changed when they got the vote and started tinkering with our memories. ('Watching Scotty Grow' playing) # There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad # # What a handsome lad # # That's my boy # # B-R-L-F-Q spells Mom and Dad # # Well, that ain't too bad # # Cos that's my boy # # So you can have your TV and your night clubs # # And you can have your drive-in picture show... # ANNOUNCER: Well, if you ever want to see a mailbox shoot a boy, that's about as close as you're going to get. Dad, it was so great ` Knockahomer really took a pounding, but then he won. Ooh! Oh, not so rough, Bart. Daddy can't handle so much love right now. This robot's the greatest thing you've ever done for me. I can't believe you've never seen him fight. Well, I've been busy, son. They really need me over at the nuclear plank. Well, the next match is Saturday. Can you come then? Well, the next match is Saturday. Can you come then? I don't think so, son. But on the other hand, I may be closer than you think. Oh, so much metal in my eye. Ladies and gentlemen... who am I kidding, just gentlemen... join us next week for our title bout, when Knockahomer will try to unseat five-time defending champion... Smashius Clay, a.k.a. Killhammad Aieee! (crowd screaming) Our robot can kick that robot's ass, right, Dad? (whimpering) (whimpering) Dad? Oh no! My recurring nightmare is coming true. There are many people I'd like to thank for this award. My wife, Anjelica Huston. This is for you, Angie! We did it! ROBOT: Speeches cannot be longer than 30 seconds. Now a tribute to those who have left us this past year. (whimpering) # I can see it in your eyes, # I sometimes see you pass outside my door. TEXT MESSAGE DINGS # Hello? TEXT MESSAGE CHIMES # ...you're looking for? # I can see it in your eyes, # I can see it in your smile. TEXT MESSAGE DINGS # You're all I've ever wanted, # and my arms are open wide. TEXT MESSAGE CHIMES # Cos you know just what to say, # and you know just what to do. # And I want to tell you so much # I love you. # Bart, I got it! (whirring) BART: Sure, he's tough. But he's never come up against a wooden mallet. (crowd cheering) (shuts off TV) Listen, son, there's something I have to tell you about our robot. (doorbell rings) There it is! The thing that makes us respect Bart. KIDS: Ooh! You guys are just in time. My dad's about to tell me something important about our robot. Uh... I... just installed a chip that makes it 10% more bloodthirsty! ALL: All right! And if anything happens to me, I want you bullies to take care of my boy. Don't worry. I'll raise him like the mean streets raised me. I wish I'd had bullies like you growing up. ALL: Mm! Hey! Hey! These cats would rather take their chances in the back room than go home with you. (hissing) My job was to keep Lisa's hope alive. But instead, she's really depressed. You think you've got problems? Look what I just pulled out of my arm! (gasps) That's what we in the business call 'a biggie.' Business? What business? The business of being a dad. Can you hand me that magnet? Sure. (clanking) Can you do my back? I guess I'm not meant to own a cat. I'm much happier petting this leaf. (gasps) (demented raving) Wait, you don't want me to have this cat! (demented raving) Look, you don't want to get involved with a girl like me. My cats have a nasty habit of waking up dead. Now go. Cough me out of your life like a bad fur ball. (tyres screech) You're not hurt! You're a good-luck kitty! All right! Ol' Gil's gonna collect big from insurance! I'll be eating food tonight! (humming happily) (explosion) I'm keeping you! You're Snowball Five. But to save money on a new dish, we'll just call you Snowball Two and pretend this whole thing never happened. That's really a cheat, isn't it? I guess you're right, Principal Tamzarian. I'll just be moving along, Lisa. Snowball Two. (explosion) OK, I've been studying Frink's robot, and I've discovered he has one small weak spot. This goes here. Uh-oh. His weak spot is now his strongest point. (loud moan) That moan sounded almost human. HOMER: The hell it did. (round-bell rings) (grunts) (staccato grunting) (round-bell rings) ANNOUNCER: End of round one! 230 rounds to go! (woozily): # B-R-L-F-Q spells mom and dad # # Well, that ain't too bad, cos that's my boy... # You look a little sluggish out there, boy. I'd better open you up. (gasps) Dad?! Bart, I'm sorry. I could never build a robot this awesome. I'm a fraud. So, you fought all those robots? Affirmative. That is so cool! You really think so? Yeah! Any Poindexter can throw some nuts and bolts together. You risked your own life, even though you're the sole provider for a family of five! I am the luckiest kid in the world. And I'm the luckiest... ANNOUNCER: Round two! Oh, no! Dad! (gasps) (gasping) That robot has given birth to a man! Hey, what gives? He's not killing me! I'll tell you what gives. I'm afraid he is subject to Isaac Asimov's laws of robotics. With the sci-fi and the so many books, not too many good. My robot is programmed never to harm humans, you see. Only to serve them. (gasps) He knows just how I like my martinis... full of alcohol. Go! Go! Go! Now's your chance! (chuckles) Bart, all that button ever did was send a mild electric shock up my backside. Why did you make it do that? (zapping) Keep me focused. And the winner is nature's greatest killing machine: man! (booing) Show me where in the rule book it says that a human can't be a robot. Right here. Rule one. Well, then... Join us next week for more inconclusive action on Robot Rumble! I concur! (booing) Son, did you ever suspect it was me? Well, you did disappear a lot, but I've gone whole summers without seeing you. (laughs) Yeah, I'm pretty unreliable. I like you, son. I like you too, Dad. Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016