. # "These Are The Days" - 10,000 Maniacs 1 . Morning, Tom. Twelve is our number. It's the number of games my husband, Tom, coaches at Lincoln College every season, it's the number of times we zero out our bank account each year to make ends meet, and it's the number of kids we try to keep track of. (EXHALES) Hey! Good run? Oh, yeah. Ah! You need a paramedic? No, just a pair of knees. Finished? Still proofing, but I'm sending it to Diane today. Look at this. New clean cover. No peanut butter stains, yet. Hey, baby. Baby? You know on the run, you know what I was thinking? What? Well, we've been married, what, five years? 23. Oh, 23, sorry. And I think we could use a little change around here, like, like this lumpy old mattress. Maybe we should just get rid of it. (GIGGLING) Don't be ridiculous. You pound lumps out of a mattress. What? You mean you can just pound the lumps out a mattress? Yeah, just randomly start swatting away and pound - Yes. It goes flat? Just start, randomly start swatting. (ALL GIGGLE AND YELL) (DOG BARKS) Careful. Oh, pile on! Pile on! Oh, I got a dog on me. Twelve's an insane number of kids, but having a small family was never an option. Tom loved growing up with seven brothers and sisters. And after my sister died, I spent most of my time wishing I had seven brothers and sisters. Tom and I met at Illinois Polytechnic University. He was a senior dreaming of becoming the head football coach there. I was a freshman dreaming of becoming a sports reporter. He wanted eight kids. I wanted eight kids. Bam! An hour after I met him, I knew he was the one. We just had family at the wedding. Oh, and Shake McGuire, Tom's best man. What a hot dog. A year later we had our first, Nora. I loved taking her to work with me. After Charlie and Lorraine were born, we knew living in the city with eight kids and two careers didn't work. As much as we wanted big careers, we wanted a big family more. So Tom settled for a division three coaching job at Lincoln, I quit writing for the Tribune and moved to the country. Tom and I got busy when we moved to Midland. We had Henry, Sarah, Jake and Mark in consecutive years. Then we went for magic number eight, and instead got the first set of twins, Jessica and Kim. Nine kids. Wave. Hi. With each child, Tom and I got further from our career dreams, but we didn't think about that. (WHISTLE BLOWS) (HOOTER BLASTS) Ye-e-e-e-eah! Oh, sorry, Coach. We had our hands full with nine. We were happy and we were done. At a party celebrating Shake McGuire's appointment to athletic director at our alma mater, well, too many beers and nine months later, we had Mike. After that, Tom got a vasectomy, but he didn't hear the doctor say it would be a few weeks before the procedure became effective. In '98, Nigel and Kyle got us to that crazy number twelve, but by then, Tom and I were experts at managing chaos. Ya! Ya! Let's move, gang. Come on, come on, come on. (WHOOPS) Charlie missed his curfew last night, so take care of that. Hey! You can only put on so much lip gloss, princess. You blew my concentration. Temper, Sarah. Now I can start all over again. Wrap it up, Lorraine! OK, Daddy. Have you seen my frog, Dad? Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel. Kyle. It's Mark. I knew that. Hey, teenager. You got caught on Mom radar last night. You won't get a scholarship if you're out late the night before a game. I'm not so sure I even wanna go to college. Since when? Since Beth's mom offered me a job at the auto shop. Hmm. Sounds exciting. We'll talk about that after you get your full ride, and meanwhile, in by ten on school nights, clear? Got it. Anything else you wanna talk about? Did I mention I don't like you very much? Yeah, you mentioned that, yeah. Then I'm good. OK. Me, too. Dude, two words, need new skates. Dude, three words, paper route. "Hi. Can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving into our new apartment." Have you seen Beans, Mom? (GRUNTS) Here you go, Gunner. You hungry, boy? # "People Come Together" - Len 1 1 There you go, Gunner. Are you hungry? Look, I am totally aware that this family doesn't value self presentation in the same way I do. Fine. Whatever, but one of my life goals, aside from being a fashion guru is to indicate to the local community that the Baker family owns a bar of soap. So as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene, I should be allotted five extra minutes in front of the mirror. Three. Done. Good, now help your sister butter the toast. Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse has been lifted so you're going. Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Don't play it with food in your mouth. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called. Do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show and tell today, and honey, body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, dentist appointment. You're going to work with Dad. Yeah! (BOTH) Argh! Argh! (BOTH) Argh! (ROARS) And we're shooting our Christmas card today. What time's Nora coming over? Er, she may not make it. She never comes home since she started dating that doorknob. He's not a doorknob. The man irons his jeans, Mom. Yeah, that's weird. I'll shoot it without her. I'll Photoshop her in. Could you take ten pounds off me with that? Can I be Photoshopped in? If Sarah is, I am. Let's all be Photoshopped in. Nobody gets Photoshopped in but Nora. Everybody be here by four! Why do we do Christmas cards in May? The earlier we do it, the bigger discount we get. Let's eat. (ALL) Mmm. There you go. Look alive. You're eating that doughnut. Lorraine, pass me the napkins. (CROAKS) No, Mark! Get him! Come on, get him, Charlie. He's headed for the waffles. I got him, I got him. (BARKS) Mike, stick! Mark, net! I got the door covered. I got the net! Argh! Whoa! (ALL) Ooh! (CROAKS) Ha-a-a-a-argh! (ALL CHEER) (DOG BARKS) Uh-oh. Put Beans in his cage. Now. (ALL) Ooh! Is everything broken? Teacup with the flower on it, broken? Nice move, Fed Ex. OK, here we go, everyone. School, let's go. Hey! Much cooler. Whoa, Henry, here you go. Thanks, Mom. I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs. Right, you look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine. Whoa, what's going on? What's wrong with you? Everybody says the Fed Ex guy dropped me off cos I don't fit in with this family. You fit. You fit right here. Like that. I called it. No, I did. I did. All right, that's it. Hey, you two! Knock it off. Mom's losing it. I'm losing it. All right. All right, come on, break it up. Break it up. Here we go. Are you OK? I'll give you candy. Nigel, Kyle, chill or be chilled. Sure, listen to him. Mark! (SIGHS) So Nora's not coming? Well, not exactly. Here. So Nora. We say they can't sleep together here, so she moves in with him. She's just trying to have her own life. She's too young to have a life. 22. I was 22 when I was pregnant with her. Five minutes ago she was sitting on my shoulders pointing at cows. And then you blinked. Yeah, enough with the blinking. No more blinking. All right. You were checking me out, weren't you? Yes, I was. You got a problem with that? Twelve kids later and we still got the heat. Whoo! # "Back Again" - Mr Cheeks (WHISTLE BLOWS) (BOTH) Come on! Hit it! Oh, yeah! Faster. Keep it up. That's what I'm talking about. Way to go, Marcus. Nice job. You're getting old and ugly. Shake. Hey! Hey, what are you doing here? What, are you still too busy being the pansy house husband to read the newspapers? That coach was five and three. That doesn't cut it on my programme. Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together. Yeah, the hot dog. Mom said it first. We're having adult time here, boys. No idea what that means. It's a crazy thing where grown-ups get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids. Sounds wicked boring. It is, so why don't you run along? Mom's right. He is a wiener. Sorry. Kate likes you. She had to have the biggest stud on the team. Yeah, so she chose the third-string receiver and got all this. So you gonna tell me why you're here? Lincoln's a winning machine. You think you can make our old team a champion again? You mean, coach? Coach. Tom, what is it? Just tell me. (WASHING MACHINE STARTS) Dad's covering with the machines. To the chute! Go, go, go. My, this is big. Shake McGuire wants me to coach the Stallions. Get out. He offered me a fat five-year contract, housing allowance. Kate, we can get new furniture, we can get a new car, and university employees can send their kids to school for free. Wow. Oh! I don't know. A division-one coaching job, that's a lot of pressure and a lot more hours. With the kids in school next year, we can handle it. Yeah, but honey, Midland is our home. The kids lives are here. Midland has been great for raising our kids, but I never expected them to sacrifice the way that I did. You loved your childhood. Yeah, except for this part, the raggedy hand-me-down part. Stallions head coach. It's your dream job, isn't it, honey? I want this one, Kate. Let's talk to the kids. How will they handle it? (ALL GRUNT) We're gonna move. A-A-A-A-Argh! OK, everybody, you know the drill. On three you give me a big cheese. Jake, do you have to wear black? Black works. Jesus, like, had his funeral on Christmas. He died on Easter, Barbie. Whatever. He was resurrected on Easter, moron. Be quiet. Don't touch me. Hey! (ALL ARGUE AT ONCE) Hey, what's all the fighting about? Exactly when did you plan on telling us about moving? (ALL SHOUT AT ONCE) (DOG BARKS) I'm not moving. Evanston is only four hours away. Beth can visit. This isn't just about Beth. My whole life is here. (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Hi, Mom. Hi, Nora, you're on speaker. Hi, everybody. Hank says hi, too. So, you guys are thinking about moving up here? You got room in that apartment for your family? Just big enough for two, Dad. How's your book going, Mom? I sent it to a friend who's in publishing, so we'll see. Could we stay on subject? Beans' mother is buried here. I'm not splitting them up, they're family. We can build a fancy memorial to Pork in our new yard. Yeah, like, we could afford that. Well, actually, we can. I'll be making enough money to do that, get you out of hand-me-downs, get Jake new skates, and get that new car we've been saving for. I have friends here. You'll keep in touch and make new friends. (ALL TALK AT ONCE) (FEEDBACK) Quiet! Now, look, you're scared, moving is a big deal. We're comfortable here, I get that. That's why I turned down coaching offers through the years. But this is a job I've wanted since we left Chicago. In fact, it's more than a job to me. Um, this is my team, and it's my colours, and it's, um, the Stallions. And they're finally calling my number. And I want you to take this risk with me because if you do, I promise you we will be a happier, and stronger family. You promise? I promise. I would feel happier and stronger if we vote on it. Yeah, definitely. That's the only way to make this fair. All right, we can vote, but your mother and I are gonna do what we think is best for the family. What's the point of even voting? I'm out. Hello? Still here. All right, eight nos. Three yeses, and three maybes. Not exactly a mandate. Give me a pen. I'm gonna change some of these. What? What? Let's review, shall we? "I'm so glad I found someone whose dreams are as big as mine. I love you, Kate." I always loved the way you go for things, Tom. Pedal to the metal, full on, all of it or none of it, so we're doing this. We're gonna do this. We're doing it. Mmm. Yeah, and by the time we move, the kids will get used to the idea. # "The Last Post" Say goodbye to your mother, Beans. (CROAKS) Get into the car. (GROWLS) Get into the car! Get into the car! Hey, Charlie, do me a favour and drive the Cutlass? Thanks for ruining my life. I don't wanna go! You know what, everybody's going with us. We're taking your toys. OK, well, whoever said expressing emotion was a good thing, I'd like to see. # "Life is a Highway" - Tom Cochran Hey, this is our street. (RAP MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY) Are you sure we're gonna fit in here, Dad? We'll have friends in no time, guys. Here we are. We are here. Everybody out. I want everybody out. (DOG BARKS) Hey, slow down there, Gunner. Hey, check this place out. Cool. There it is. The 1920s classic. Did the Munsters give you a good price? Twins share, but everybody else gets their own room. Now, go kill each other for the best ones. That's great. Charlie, you're gonna need a car to visit Beth. The old one's yours now. You trying to bribe me? Is it working? A little bit. Welcome home, Kate. It's gonna be great, Tom. Jessica, come here, check this out. This room is huge. Whoa, back it up, Fed Ex. If anyone gets the room across from me, it's Charlie. Are you Charlie? No. I called this room. Nobody else gets it. Look at the view. It's spectacular. Can I share with you? Oh, God, they're fast-food people. (DOORBELL RINGS) Hello? People are here. Hi. Hi, I'm Tina Shenk, my husband, Bill, and our son Dylan. How do you do? We live across the street. Thank you. This is lovely. I'm Kate, this is Tom. We're the Bakers. Oh! No, Gunner. I am so sorry. Are you hiding a cheeseburger on your person? I, I, I don't eat meat. Jake. Dude. Two words, manners. What's up? Wanna help me unpack? Sure. Put your sweater on, sweetie. He's inside. Don't start, OK? (EXHALES) Er, so is Jake your only child? Oh, no, we have twelve. I couldn't keep her off me. (LAUGHS) Heads up! Ooh! A little less wrist, Mike. Got it. Game on! Er, they're playing hockey in the house. If it's bigger than three-on-three, they take it outside. Er, Dylan doesn't really care for rough play. Er, you're gonna wanna stop now, dude. Whoa! (SCREAMS) Oh, my God! Hang on, buddy. A little help here. I got him, I got him. Save my baby! Don't worry, I swing from the chandelier all the time. Cool. Ah! I got him. I, I, I don't got him. Oh, my God. Hold on, Dad. Whoa-a-a-a-a! Oh, ho, ho, ho! So, Dylan, know any good restaurants? Argh! I've got you, Dylan. Don't worry, honey. Oh! Whoa! Let go, Dylan. I think she's got you. Spin him this way, honey. Oh, sweetie, are you all right? I'm fine, Mom. Oh, here. You know, for the minute and a half we lived here, I really hated that chandelier. (LAUGHS) Here we go. OK, er, we better go. Your chess lesson. I don't have a chess lesson. You need to practice for your chess lesson. Come over any time, dude. Er, we'll call, schedule a play date. No need, just come by any time. Oh, no, we'll call. You're all invited to my birthday. Oh, that'll be fun. Hey, Charlie, come on down and help me with this, OK? Careful, honey, there's glass everywhere. (PHONE RINGS) Hey, Shake, what's up? Really? OK, well, I'll see you there. Hey! Hey, guess what? Fox Sports want to interview me on TV. OK, well, we got this. Dad's gotta earn a living. Twelve kids, that's a throwback. Irresponsible is what it is. How come you didn't have more kids? Because we wanted one perfect child and that's what we got. (RIBBITS) A-A-A-A-Argh! Cool! I'm gonna be home late tonight. I've got a press conference. What happened to that stud who sat with me at dinner every night? He got his dream job, remember? A-A-A-A-Argh! Bye, Dad. See ya, buddy. (FROG CROAKS) I'm running about 15 minutes late. Day 14 on the alien planet. Where you going? Sign up for football, and no, you can't come. Could this place be any more boring? There's, like, nothing to do around here. I could give you a makeover. Alrighty then. Hi. Charlie Baker. Oh, yeah. Tom Baker's boy. His old buddy Shake threw him a bone. Offence or defence? I'm a quarterback. Yeah, well, maybe in Cowpie, Illinois. This is 4A, Skippy, the bigs. Put him on defence, quarterback. By the way, when you show up for practice, don't wear that hat. OK, um, let's see, um, who's next, yes? It's reported that you like to blast music in your locker room. Why? Er, well, it loosens up the players, and gets them psyched, unless of course I start dancing, then they get nauseous. (ALL CHUCKLE) At least we get to see him on TV. How do you manage a family of 12 and a football team? Oh, well, I've got a great team here and a solid support system at home. Go to bed, kids. OK, you heard the coach. Off to bed. Here we go. In Midland we were a family. Now we're a support system? A family is a support system, Butch. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Who's this? Somebody from something something. OK. Ssh. Hello. Yeah. Hi, Diane. This is business. Salmons and pinks are so homemaker. All right, focus on your navies and your greys. Navy is muscle, grey is smarts. Choose them to rule the boardroom. What's going on? Guess what? Diane Phillips called. My book's getting published. Did I say we were gonna have it all? You've never said that. I'm telling you now, baby. Whoo! Uh-oh. Oh! Oh! Whoa! Ooh! Oh, my God. Can you guys please wait until I leave the room? Can you hurry? Ooh! All right, there's one thing. What? They asked me to go to New York for a few days. Oh! Oh? That was a good oh, as in OK. Yes, it's not the best timing, but you're going to New York. I can handle it. You'll manage. Yeah. You haven't been home much since we moved here. And you're gonna have to, you know, shop for school supplies, get them dressed and bathed, and put them to bed at night. Been there, done all that. You're considering this? I'm not considering it. You're going. Nora can help me out around the house. New York. Wow. Yeah. Wow. # Every once in a while # I carve a pumpkin # With a knife made of lollipop # Sticks It totally sucks. I miss you, too, but I gotta get a job. Hi, Lorraine. (BLOWS KISSES) OK, I'll try and be there, honey. Hi, Kimmy. Yeah, I know I haven't been very friendly recently. They are pulling me in again. Tell them you can't do it. Hold on a second. That's easy for you to say. You're an only child. It might be fun to baby-sit together. No! Whoa, no! No, you know what happened last time we visited. They were welcoming you into the family. They set me on fire! Just your pants. Honey, I am an actor, OK? And sure, last time it was just my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is the money maker. I'm not that good of an actor. This is how I get the jobs. I know that. I'm man enough to admit it. Please. Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that. Don't do that to me. Fine, we'll go, but if one thing happens, I'm gone. And no fires. And we sleep in the same room. Kimmy, put Dad on. She says she'll help us out if they can stay in the same room. Ssh, no. No way. No, she knows the rules. She has to have her own room here. (LAUGHS) No. OK, why don't you just come over on Sunday and we'll talk logistics. All right. Bye. Tell me doorknob man isn't baby-sitting too. Yes, he very well might be, young lady. And do not set his pants on fire again. Yes. Classic. It was just his pants. Is anybody besides me thinking our happier and stronger life was actually code for nastier and suckier? First, Dad forces us to move. Then Mom decides to become a career person and travel the globe. We have to take orders from Hank, the model / actor. And he hates kids, too. Ow! Nora's blind to his evil. We have no choice but to intervene. We've got 48 hours. Let's work a plan. (ALL WHISPER) All right, appleschmear season is officially open! (ALL CHEER) President of the United States, Sarah Baker, will throw the first apple. (ALL YELL) (DOG BARKS) Come on, bring on the chin music, baby. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Ho! Yes! Ho! It's an apple, and now it's sauce. (ALL SQUEAL) (SHRIEKS CONTINUE) Appleschmear! It's the game my great-grandmother Gilbreth invented. Neat. (DOG BARKS) Time out, Nora's here. (ALL YELL) Nora! Nora! Nah, nah, nah, nah! Please don't touch. I've just had it detailed. Whoa, Tom, Tom, can we please, er, respect the perimeter around the LeBaron? Hey, hey, respect the perimeter, kids. Come on, respect, back up! Nora, Nora, welcome. Come on. How are you? Watch the automobile, kids. This is for you. Congratulations. Come on. I wanna hear all about it. It's very fancy. About the baby-sitting... Battle stations. Heads up, Hank. Yo, Hank. (YELLS) (LAUGHING) Phase one, complete. Sorry about your clothes. We'll have them dry in no time. Sorry about your clothes, Hank. We'll have them dry in no time. What's with the staring? Just stop looking at me. Chopsticks. Open meat bucket. (ALL GROAN) Begin underwear soaking. So, um, how's the acting career going, Hank? If it was going any better, there'd have to be two of me. Yeah, we saw you in the commercial, the mouthwash ad. The remarkable thing about my career is I only started acting a month ago, and, er, I'm already on TV. It's the real deal. The career is white hot, Tom. It's on fire. I read that most actors end up in the food service industry. That's not gonna happen to Hank, OK? No. Candidly, I think Nora's right. It's getting so as I can't go out in public any more. I mean, really between the autograph hounds, and the paparazzi. Autographs? I mean, just the one commercial and you have paparazzi? Yeah, I, I've never actually seen them, but you know, they hide in the bush and get their shot. The crazy thing is that now we're sitting at home, like regular Joes, and we're watching TV, right? And comes onto commercials, and bam, there's me. You expect to see yourself in the mirror, and you expect to be looking at the handsome devil but not on the TV like it is. It's bam, you turn the channel, you're trying to get it out, and it just keeps popping up. It's like I can run from me but I can't hide from me. What a nightmare. Nora, you wanna help me in the kitchen? Nora, stop! Yeah. Mm-hmm. Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie. Say the rosary. Come on, kids, everybody out. (INHALES) Tommy. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. (HAIR DRYER BLOWS) (DOG WHINES) Gunner! Save it, boy! (WHINES) Hey, there you go. You look as good as new. Yeah, not as good as you, chief. (LAUGHS) Anywhere. (WHINES) That's sweet. Do you know what you want? Is this, is this orange juice freshly squeezed? Nora and I are on a bit of an organic diet. We're only going with the organic, freshly squeezed. This tastes a bit like Tropicana. (CHUCKLES) He's a winner. (WHINES / ALL GROAN) Release the hound. (ALL MUTTER) You guys popping out another one any time soon? Just... curiosity. (SLURPING) (GRUNTS) (DOG GROWLS) Argh! Gunner. Gunner! It's Gunner. He's really digging in. Sorry, babe. Gunner, stop! Sit, sit down. Stop it, Gunner. (BARKS) (YELLS) Oh, my. Well, he's hungry. Stop, Gunner. Gunner! (YELLS) Gunner! (SCREAMS) (ALL LAUGH) (DOGS BARK) (YELLS) Help! Nora! Nora, we didn't want you to go. Let's get something clear. Even though you live near me now, I have my own life. It's mine, not ours, mine. Nora! Would you please get into the LeBaron? I beg of you. My loyalty is to Hank now. And that's the way it's gonna be. In the living room, now! Let's go. (GRUNTS) (BARKING) The canines are ruining the LeBaron's paint job. My family will pay to repaint it. Good, cos I'm sure paying for your family. What's that supposed to mean? You know what it means. You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong. Now, who was the mastermind in the meat-soaking plot against Hank? You were the masterminds? Step back please. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. (BEEPING SLOWS) (BEEPING QUICKENS) You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker. It'll cost you a month's allowance. (ALL DISAGREE LOUDLY) Do you wanna make it two? (ALL STOP TALKING) Now, when your mother leaves tomorrow, I'm gonna need everyone to pull their own weight. Go upstairs and go to your rooms. Soaking his underwear in meat? I mean, how do they come up with that? If I could channel that ingenuity into something constructive. Like getting somebody to help you while I'm gone. I can handle it, even without the better half of the tag team. I'm just worried. I've never left the kids. Honey, it's three days. I know, I'm just, I'm gonna miss 'em. OK, I froze some dinners. And make sure they get to school on time. It's their first day, so you know how nervous they're gonna be, all right? And, kids, don't worry ` Mom can be back from New York in two hours if something happens. It's only one hour with the time difference. I hugged everybody, I love you all. One more hug, pass it on, OK? Thank you, sweetheart. I love you. I love you, too. All right, do I have everything? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. All right. OK. (ALL) Bye-bye. Have a safe flight. Got the whole neighbourhood out to say goodbye, huh? Bye, Mom. Little vampire, my plan worked, she's gone. Now I can raise you children the way I want to. (EVIL LAUGH) Come on, it's gonna be fun. Your dream has come true. Mom's gone. Weak dad is here. You can get away with murder, do anything. Dylan's birthday party is coming up. You can get all hopped up on ice cream and sugar and cake, and go crazy, nah! # "I'm Just a Kid" - Simple Plan You kids are gonna do great today, I promise. What is that? (DOORS CREAK) Moo! (LAUGHS) I guess he's the funniest guy in the herd. (ALARM SOUNDS) (ALL LAUGH) (GROANS) Block much? (LAUGHS) Hi. Hey! Look at you, Diane. Look at you. You did not have 12 kids. Yes, I did. I can't even manage a boyfriend. Well, who can? Look at this room. Oh, it's great. Isn't it great? Listen, we've got big plans for the book. Really? Ta-da! Oh, come on. Look at it. Isn't it great? It's fantastic. I love it. Look at this. The company wants it in stores by Christmas. Christmas? Yes. So the marketing people will bring you up to date on the book tour. A book tour? Yes, we've got talk shows, book signings, personal appearances, and it's only a couple of weeks. Couple of weeks? Oh, no, I can't be away from the kids that long. Well, if there's no book tour, then there's no book. Two weeks? Kate, you've been the primary care giver for 22 years. They'll all end up on milk cartons. Gil, Decker and Rico are playing loose at the corners. We need to pull them in. Sarah, dishwasher! I'll come by tomorrow after I drop the kids at school to talk offence. All right. No, I gotta go, I gotta go. Dad, Nigel hit Kim with a dart, and I assume he will be punished. Jake, get me a Band-Aid, OK? Here, you like to stir. Let's take a look. Let's see if it's OK. Argh! Oh, no, I'm just kidding. It's actually not- Er, Dad? Yeah. This goo's on fire. Oh, no, that's the way Dad likes it. Nice and hot and spicy! Yeah. Here we go. There we go. Got it. Hey, Dad. Oh, can you get a Band-Aid? No need to say hello. No other kid in this neighbourhood does chores. Well, we're not like any other family. Right, so why do we live here? Dishwasher, now! Jessica, get these plates and put them on the table please? Ooh! What the-? Mike's athletic cup! Ow! Eurgh! Pasta de la crotch! Is that blood? Oh, no, it's just a - (THROWS UP) Oh! Clean up on aisle twelve! Anybody! Need help cleaning up - (THUD!) I'm in puke! Are you all right? Still need help cleaning up, Dad? You've mopped it up enough with your back. (THROWS UP) Oh, disgusting. Where's the Band-Aid? Dad, it still hurts. Oh, here, let me look. Nora, where's that Band Ai-? Jake put a bucket on Jessica's head. Let my parents know that I came by to tell them I got a job in an ad agency today. Nora. Nora! Dad, a little help here. Nora. Nora! A-A-A-A-Argh! Are you all right? You are in over your head, Mister. I'm so sorry. I will call. It's just my wife's out of town. What? Hey, hey, hey, hey! (GRUNTS) Can I kill Jake now? No, you finish washing the car first. Can you put the Band-Aid on me? Yes, come on. Let's go, come on, everything's gonna be OK. Gimme the Band-Aid. Don't you put a bucket on my head! Does that hurt? OK. Good. All right. There. It's all done. (PHONE RINGS) Good. Good. Hey, Nigel, wanna play darts? No, no playing darts, I told you that. Hello. Hi. How's it going? Everything's fine. I'm just making dinner. Yeah. Dad, check me out, isn't this awesome? (YELLS) How are you? Good, I guess. It's kinda weird having all this free time. You sure everything's all right? Everything's fine. I can handle it. (YELLING) I'm used to tag teaming to manage the mob. No, no, they're like kittens. Sorry, Dad. This might be a good time to talk about me staying a few extra days. What? A few extra days? Er, 14, give or take. What did I say about throwing darts? That's a lot of days, and a couple of key games. I have a plan. I mean, we just take it one day at a time, and if you start to get overwhelmed, you just call me, I'm home, end of trip. Well, er, sounds good, sounds good. Got him in the face! OK, honey, thanks for doing this. Give me someone. Oh, hey, er, you know what, they're doing homework, and it's that maths trig-a-gron-thy thing that you and I aren't very good at, and it's the sweetest thing. They formed a little study group and they're helping each other, and it's like a little mini, er, think tank thing. (YELLING) And I just hate to break that up. Give everyone my love, and you call me right after dinner, OK? OK, will do. Bye. Bye. Come on, Dad, don't hide in the closet. Take it like a man. Two weeks with go by in no time, you'll see. (BOTH) Yeah, right. Yeah, right. (KNOCKING) Yeah? Hey. What's up? OK? Come in. Look, your mom's not coming home for a couple of weeks. What? OK, up till now, I've been mellow about this whole having-it-all lifestyle that you and Mom are currently in to, A, because Sarah has the drama queen role totally covered, and B, because I've benefited from your salary spike in various shallow, but nonetheless pleasing ways. But Dad, check it out. Today, Mike was rappelling from the roof. Nigel was using Kim as a human dartboard and you employed your son as a vomit mop. Call me crazy, Pops, but things are getting pretty twisted around here. I need to hire some help. As in a baby-sitter? OK, that is so not happening. Dad, just call Mom and tell her we need her back home. I can't do that now, not with all the work she's done. It wouldn't be fair. Well, then why don't you spend more time at home? Honey, that's just not an option right now. I've got a big job, a job that I love. I'm gonna have to call in some backup. # "Help" - Fountains of Wayne Hello. My name is Tom Baker. I am interested in hiring a domestic helper. Um, I have twelve children. Actually, I'm serious. Just twelve. Twelve. There's only two, oh, plus ten. How many kids? Well when you get here, we can just count them up. Well, there's twelve. One doesn't live with me, and one you never see. Er, a dozen. Just the, just, just twelve. Hello. I'll just hang up on myself. 1 Hey, Dad. Hi, Mike, what's up? It's Mark. Right, Mark, what's up? I don't get this maths homework. You know what, I've got a game I'm not nearly prepared for. Can you go ask one of your sisters to help you? Yeah. OK. (MUTTERS) Hello. Yeah. Could you do me a favour and send up twelve pillows to room 504? Yes. (SIGHS) Thank you. Mmm. That'd be good. "Hey, kids. Got to get to work." "Lorraine and Kimmy are in charge of breakfast, Henry and Jake lunches, Charlie handle the drop-offs." (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) We're gonna be late. Cute car seats, Baker. We had to take our brothers to nursery, if that's OK with you. What happened? Did mommy and daddy go back to the farm? This whole harass-the-hick thing is getting pretty old. Actually, I'm just getting started. What else you got? You don't wanna know. I wanna know. Charlie! Charlie, Charlie, stop. Stop, just let it go, OK, please. Yeah, Charlie, let it go, and go all the way back to Podunk. (CHUCKLING) Charlie, go. I got a shot with this team. They're two and oh, rising in the national standings and taking nothing for granted. Hey, Coach. Hey, teenager, what's up? We need to talk. Sure. Look, Dad, um,... Hey, guys, knock it off. All right, Coach. I know you're all lit up about this new job, but my new school - Press is waiting. They're here now? Yeah, come on, get dressed. Can we do this later? Kids, how was your day at school? The high point was that you were only 45 minutes late picking us up. Hey, you know what, there was a pep rally at school today. There were 20,000 people in the stands. I couldn't leave. Here. Hey, you did a drawing. "My favourite place in the world." Is that the Midland house? President Gerhard's been waiting for half an hour. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I had to - You have responsibilities, but it's your shot, your moment, not theirs. What's the matter with you? What are you doing? You've wanted this as long as I've known you. (SIGHS) I just don't want to see you blow it. I'll work something out. It's hard to believe that someone as staggeringly beautiful as you has delivered 12 children and still look as yummy as you do. (LAUGHS) Oh, that's so sweet. I guess the camera can't see my hips. Tell us, did you have them conventionally? (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Well, er, after the sixth one, they just kind of walked out. (ALL LAUGH) Why don't you read us a little something from your book? Oh, I don't know. No, people can just buy it and then read it. Oh, come on. The audience wants it. (ALL CLAP) All right. OK. "Some, er, call me a mom, others call me a primary care giver, but they both mean the same thing ` chauffeur." It sounds like you and your husband have it under control. Oh, well, I'm lucky to have him. We sure do. Kids, on the carpet now! (SQUEAKS) Dad! College guys! (SQUEAKS) (SHRIEKS) What's going on here? Where's Charlie? He went to Midland for the day. Midland? It's a school day. He hates school. You couldn't know that, cos you're never home. That is about to change, Sarah Baker, cos I can't go to work without you getting in trouble, and I can't stay home without Shake bugging me, I have brought my work home with me. Guys, meet the family. Family, meet the team. What's up, boys? (ALL) What's up? OK, we will be in the living room. We got a lot of work to do and I don't want any interruptions, clear? OK. Now go do your homework. Let's go, guys. # Sum 41 - In Too Deep # All right, first team, line it up. Good, good, good, but, but you hit him to high, you wanna hit him low. Dad's home! (ALL) Yeah! Hey, how's New York? (BOTH) Hi. OK, I gotta go now. I love you. (ALL LAUGH) (BOTH LAUGH) Step off, Missy. You don't talk that way unless it's with humour. You had an unpleasant interaction with those boys, Mark. They knocked my glasses off. I heard you were dissing my family. I don't even know your family, loser. You do now. My latte! (SHOUTING THROUGHOUT SCENE) (ALL CHANT) Fight, fight, fight, fight! Hello? Coach, Coach, come on give us a quote. ..that violence begets violence. All right, enough is enough. You're slacking on your chores. You're fighting. Things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded. What's grounded? What's grounded? I'll tell you what grounded is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school. You do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed, and that's it. But that - Oh, yes, I know, Sarah, that sucks, but that's the way it is. We can't go to Dylan's birthday party? That's exactly what it means. We bought his presents already. You are going to miss it! Now go to bed. (GRUNTS) Hey, Gunner. Wanna get up on the bed, buddy? Huh? Come on. (GRUNTS) Come on. (QUARTET PLAYS) Hello. Next year, let's book the Mormon Tabernacle choir too. Whatever happened to pin the tail on the donkey? And on the end around, the guard pulls. That means you, Buttler. I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me? (ALL) Yeah. Hi-oh! Brazilian mud viper. She gets one live rat a week. Dylan, wanna play catch with the football I got you? Um, my nanny'd have to check with my dad, who'd check with my mom, who'd say it was an inappropriate use of free time. Hmm. Sounds like a yes to me. Go get it, Mike. (SCREAMING) Kids? (SCREAMING CONTINUES) (CHUCKLES) Get my kids. I'll meet you at the house. Ready? (ALL) Break! (SCREAMS) Sarah Baker, off now! No way. Don't make me come up there. Aiee! Oh, my God, it's gonna blow. (YELLS) # "Carmina Buarana" - Carl Orff A-A-A-A-A-A-A-Argh! (SCREAMS) That was my best birthday ever, Coach. The children are never playing with Dylan again. Sorry about your arm. (PHONE RINGS) What did I tell you? They're bad. Hello, Shake. You know what this could do to my programme? Listen. I don't want the players at your house, or your kids here. There he is! Coach, Coach, how will this impact Saturday's game? Coach, what do you say to reports that you are spreading yourself too thin? Childcare or football? Sarah from Evanston, you're on with Kate Baker. Mom, it's Sarah. Hi, Sarah, is everything OK? Come home immediately. I wanna talk to her. (ALL YELL AT ONCE) (BLEEPING) Hello? Now look what you did. Dad! Oh, Nora, Nora, thanks for coming. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You seemed desperate on the phone. Yeah, they're everywhere. You guys! (PHONE RINGS) Hi. I just talked to the kids. Yes, Dylan's in hospital, Charlie's about to be expelled and Nora takes time off from her first job to baby-sit? Can we do this later, Kate? Tom, you promised me you would let me know if you couldn't handle it. I'm doing the best I can. Please, let's talk later. Bye. What's the matter? The book tour's over for me. I'm going home. (SIGHS) Get a move on, guys, we've got to get dinner on the table. (ANSWERING MACHINE REWINDS) "Hi, it's me. OK, I'm coming home." "This is gonna be a big strain, but the Oprah Winfrey show will tape at our house tomorrow, which is great, but I'm really gonna need you guys' help, OK?" "We're talking full force. Boys, clean outside, girls inside." "I want everybody in nice clean clothes, and Tom, if you could please supervise this one last thing, I'd appreciate it. OK? All right, bye." Sounds like somebody got his Jimmy whipped. (LAUGHS) Jimmy whipped. I'm totally - Argh! Oh! Er, Mommy! (CRASH!) (TAP ON WINDOW) (DOG BARKS) Beans, are you OK? (PHONE RINGS) (BOTH) Yargh! Go get dressed, guys. Hello? Oh, it's me. Yeah. My flight was delayed, they lost my luggage. I'll get there soon. Sorry. OK. Hey, those are for Oprah's people? Oh, is the house clean? We're working on it, Kate. OK. I'll see you when I see you. OK, guys, good job. Now go and get cleaned up. Hustle up, let's go. Camera truck's here! I need warm water. Look out, Dad. Don't make a mess in the kitchen. Hello. Er, Baker house. Yeah, you guys from Oprah? Yes, sir. She's really gonna be here? Any time now. OK, well, you know, set up anywhere. Oh, will do. Let's go, guys. Knock much? You got kicked off the football team. Oh, look who decided to be a parent. Let's check that attitude, Charlie. I don't fit in this town, Dad. I'm going back to Midland. You're not dropping out of school, or walking out on this family. What family? Everybody's been looking out for number one, especially you and Mom. We're doing what is best for everyone. You did not take this coaching job for us. You took this because you were a loser in college, whilst Shake was out there being a superstar. If you want a shot at glory, Dad, you do what you gotta do, but quit feeding us this line about being a happier, stronger family. This move was about you. And you know what? I don't have to sit here and pay the price for your life choices. I'm leaving. You're staying. Are you gonna make me? Charlie, I love you. I want you to have the best life you can have. And that means you are getting a diploma. When I graduate, I'm gone. Hey, Charlie, am I looking OK for national TV? You know, you turned into a jerk when we moved here. (DOOR CLOSES) Everybody turned into a jerk when we moved here. (DOOR SQUEAKS / ENGINE STARTS) Charlie? Mom's home. (ALL) Mommy! (ALL) Mommy! Hi. Never go away again. I missed you, honey. OK, Dad is stressed to the point of a total meltdown. Charlie's half a step from juvie and Mark's frog - Oprah's coming. We'll talk about it later. I just wanna get everything ready. What's the deal with Charlie? Fine thanks, how are you? I'm sorry. Hi. Hi. Charlie got kicked off the football team. What?! Don't worry. I'm handling it. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Shake. President Gerhard. Tom. Tom, we need a minute. Please don't die, Beans. The university will invest in the programme, but we want assurances. What does that mean? We wanna know you're committed to the football programme. You have to decide who's making the bacon, and who's cooking it. So, what's it gonna be, Tom? Tom. Didn't you pick up my dry cleaning? Yes, dear, it's in the front closet. I guess the wife just answered our question. The wife's name is Kate, Shake. What a wiener. I want an answer by Monday, Tom. This meeting's over. I'm all right. (TOY) I love you. I'm gonna go get ready. (INHALES) Oh! Argh! Sorry, Dad. What's this? Hank slept over. Do you have a problem with that? Yes, I have a problem with that. This house is G-rated. Whoa! Chief, look, Nora's a big girl. Now would be an excellent time for you to be very, very quiet. Chief. Get dressed and get downstairs. Whoa. I can't believe you let things get this bad around here. I can't believe it. You didn't pick the perfect moment to have a career. Oh, OK, yeah, I'm not even gonna touch that hypocrisy. You told me to go to New York, remember? I can handle it. Everything'll be OK. Go, Kate, go. Help me, would ya? You're telling me you didn't wanna go to New York. No, I want a lot of things, so do you. That's the problem. This isn't working. Yeah, that's my point. I meant the zipper. Let's just get through the next hour, OK? Fine. Fine. I'd appreciate it if you'd put on happy faces. Everything's great, we're a happy family. If you can remember the nice things to say to Oprah. If you can't remember, don't say a thing. Big smiles, let me see 'em. Mom, Beans is dead. Nobody cares about your stupid frog now, Fed Ex, OK? Stop calling me that. (ALL ARGUE) Don't you dare... Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Oprah's coming. Oprah's coming! What's the name of this segment again? Er, one big happy family. OK, I'm calling Oprah's people right now. All I'm saying is, is families are inevitable. It's like death, or taxes. Does that mean you don't want children? Children. Hello? These, they're monsters. Ow, ow! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me. Nora! We need you down here. Stop! Nigel, get off your brother's head. Get off me. Nobody cares about me. Mark, Mark, what's going on? Mark! Mark! (ALL ARGUE) Whoa, none of that. Hey, hey, hey. Yeah, you do not wanna come down here. No, it's the farthest thing from a happy family. (ARGUING CONTINUES) Feel free to sleep on the couch. You read my mind. Daddy, are you and mommy gonna get a divorce? Come here. Mark's gone. (KNOCKING) Mark's gone. What? Hey, Dad, what I said before, I was out of line. Forget it. You were right. (ALL YELL / DOG BARKS) (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Hey, Mark ran away. Is he with you? No. We'll come help you look. (PHONE BEEPS) Here's me. (CHUCKLES) Oh! Mark's missing. Oh. "Take it to the max." "Tommy Max." Let's go. I look great. Did you not hear me? My brother is missing. No, did you not hear me? I'm on TV. What was that for? (KNOCKING) Oh, what do you want? My son Mark ran away. He's not here, is he? I always knew one of your kids would land on a milk carton. Twelve is just too big a number. We'll help you look for him. Come on. It's past Dylan's bed time. We're gonna look for him, Tina. Thank you. Sure. Let the police handle it. You'll never find him. Oh, we'll find him. Like you said, twelve's a big number. Mark! Mark! He's about, about, about that high, and he's got red hair and glasses. Here's a photo, and you can keep that. No luck. I've been everywhere. Well, thanks for looking. Where's Hank? He's not gonna make the cut. I hope the family isn't to blame. They're totally to blame. I'll check the train and bus stations. He wouldn't get on a train or bus. He might. When I ran away from Midland, I was gonna get on a train to Chicago. My favourite place in the world. Your favourite place in the world. (SNIFFS) You said we'd be happier. You didn't keep your promise. I know. I'm sorry. (TRAIN HORN SOUNDS) Mom! Oh, honey! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, we missed you, sweetheart. Do that again, I'm going to have to pound you. But I thought I was Fed Ex. Your eccentricities and vision problems are genetic traits that could be attributed to any Baker ancestor. Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers any more. We'd be, like, eleven. I figured everybody hated me, like Sarah and Lorraine hate each other. There are times when I wanna kill Sarah, but I'd kill for her, all the time. Come here, cutie. (ALL LAUGH) He, he was, er, not like a lot of the bad frogs you hear about today. All hopped up, and... He was loveable, he was almost human. He was like, er, one of the family, except that, of course, he was green, and he ate flies. But he was a hopper. He hipped and he hopped. He loved hip-hop. Mark, I think you should say something. For a long time, you were the only person I could talk to. That's different now. But you're the one that got me through. Thanks. I'm resigning after this season, Shake. Giving up the dream, huh? Just going with a different one. No regrets? If I screw up raising my kids, nothing I achieve will matter much. Thank you. We'll make an announcement at the end of the week. Come on. Keep the assembly line up here. We gotta get this done. Where's Dad? He went to the game. Why didn't he ask us to go? Because, (SIGHS) he didn't want you to be there on the day he quits his job. He's quitting his job? Mm-hmm. What could we do so he wouldn't quit? I'll give up clarinet lessons. I'll totally go back to hand-me-downs. (ALL TALK AT ONCE) OK, ease up. Everybody, listen. Dad's a big boy and he makes his own decisions and he's doing this because it's what he wants. In that case, I take back what I said about the hand-me-downs. Yeah, I thought so. Anybody else wanna take back their offer? Yeah, there we go. 1 1 1 1 I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland, we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, twelve is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the best-seller list. It's the number of jobs Tom turned down before we found one close to home. Each day, it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family. # "Rocking Around The Christmas Tree" - Brenda Lee 1 1 (CRASH!) Save the eggs! Yeah, you've got room for all your big old family in that new apartment? You're on camera here, Steve. Sorry. You idiot. I'm sorry. Yeah, you got room in your new apartment for that... Battle-axe of a wife of mine? You got... Act angry, not grumpy. I really am grumpy. Well, that's good. Two times. Ready? Then going outside? Yeah, actually we're almost done, so let's do it, all right? On your mark, get set, go. BOTH: I don't wanna move. I don't wanna move. OK, cut. Good job. I listened... I listened the goodest. I don't wanna do it any more. One more time. One more. Last one, and we're out of here. Cut, cut! Cut. Somebody help me. Help me! Whoa! Just for the record, Mom. Be careful. Slow down on that stuff. Your not gonna remember a damn thing if you suck them back like I do. Oh my God. Now on the end of round, the guard pulls. That means you Butler. Whoa! Cut! Action! Frankly, I'm concerned. I go around those kids, they start beating on me. What if I get a black eye? Frankly, I'm concerned. I go around those kids, they set me on fire, they beat me. They're abusive. This is how I get jobs, right here. I'm sorry. I looked at myself in the camera. Cos I'm so <BLEEP> good looking. They set me on fire. Maybe we could roll ourselves in duct tape and I can roll you across the floor. Together, maybe. (LAUGHTER) Ooph! www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016