TRUE STORY. I WALKED OFFSTAGE, AND THEN I HANDED YOUR NEXT PERFORMER THE MIC BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE WAS A ROADIE. LAUGHTER PLEASE WELCOME EWEN GILMOUR! CHEERING, APPLAUSE I'M GONNA RUN FOR MAYOR OF AUCKLAND SUPERCITY! CHEERING AND ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I DO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHEN I GET VOTED IN TO MAYOR OF AUCKLAND SUPERCITY, I'M GONNA BREAK AUCKLAND UP INTO SIX OR SEVEN LITTLE DISTRICTS. LAUGHTER MAN: SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU. OH, IT'S EWEN GILMOUR. UH, YEAH, JUST GETTING SOME NOTES FOR A SHOW I'VE GOT COMING UP. YEAH. I'M WEARING GLASSES NOW, AND YOU'RE ALL GOING, 'SHIT, BILLY CONNOLLY'S PREGNANT.' LAUGHTER I'VE BEEN DOING A THING CALLED HEAD BANGING. SORT OF GOES LIKE THIS. LED ZEPPELIN'S 'RAMBLE ON' PAULA BENNETT. WHAT SCARES ME ABOUT PAULA BENNETT IS THE FACT THAT SHE COMES FROM WEST AUCKLAND. I JUST` I LAY AWAKE SOME NIGHTS WONDERING IF I'VE SCORED HER. LAUGHTER # I'M GOING 'ROUND THE WORLD, I'VE GOTTA FIND MY GIRL # ON MY WAY # I'VE BEEN THIS WAY 10 YEARS TO THE DAY. I'VE GOTTA RAMBLE ON! I REMEMBER IT WAS THE 2ND OF OCTOBER LAST YEAR, 2014, AND WE WERE RECORDING A SHOW CALLED AFTER HOURS. AND WE DECIDED FOR THE VERY LAST RECORD, WE WERE GONNA SOME OF THE OLD SCHOOL COMEDIANS TOGETHER ON THE SAME NIGHT. SO WE HAD MIKE LODER AND ANDREW CLAY AND EWEN GILMOUR. I HAVE THE AUSPICIOUS HONOUR OF BEING THE LAST PERSON TO EVER INTRODUCE EWEN GILMOUR ON TO THE STAGE. AND EWEN CAME IN THAT DAY, AND HE JUST GOT ON THE STAGE AND HE JUST DID THE MOST AMAZING SET. YOU KNOW, HE JUST REALLY SMASHED IT OUT. THIS MAN WOULD BE THE MAYOR OF THE SUPERCITY TODAY IF IT WASN'T FOR TWO PESKY THINGS, AND THOSE PESKY THINGS ARE DEMOCRACY AND DRUG TESTS. SO, UM,... LAUGHTER UH,... (CHUCKLES) HE'S A REALLY GOOD MATE OF MINE. PLEASE MAKE A WELCOME, THE LEGEND THAT IS THE WESTIE, EWEN GILMOUR! CHEERING, APPLAUSE CHEERING, APPLAUSE OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I, UM, ACTUALLY` SAYING THAT, BEN, I DID TRY TO REPRESENT NZ AT THE COMMONWEALTH GAMES IN DRUG TESTING. LAUGHTER I TESTED SHITLOADS. LAUGHTER BUT I WAS FURTHER DOWN THE ISLAND YESTERDAY. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY TRAVELLING THROUGH TAUPO. BEAUTIFUL DAY. SO, UH, STOPPED IN TAUPO, AND THE LAKE, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. I THOUGHT, 'OH, I GOTTA HAVE A SWIM.' FIRST SWIM OF THE SEASON. AND, UM, MAN, THAT'S A COLD LAKE. LAUGHTER I ONLY WENT OUT AS FAR AS MY KNEES. STILL` STILL HAD A WEE, THOUGH. LAUGHTER BLOODY` IT'S WARM AROUND HERE. SO IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE. UM, YOU KNOW, I DO A LOT OF CRAZY SHOWS, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE. CHRISTMAS, I GOT TO DO THIS SHOW FOR THE DRUG DETECTION AGENCY. NOW, THEY'RE AN INDEPENDENT BODY, SO WHAT THEY'LL DO ` SIR, WHAT'S YOUR NAME? PAUL. WHAT THEY'LL DO, PAUL, IS THEY'LL COME AROUND TO YOUR WORK AND THEY'LL MAYBE, LIKE, BRING THE SNIFFER DOGS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT; UH, GET YOU TO PEE INTO A JAR. BUT THEY REPORT TO THE BOSS, NOT THE POLICE, RIGHT? INDEPENDENT BODY. AND THEY RING ME UP, WENT, 'EWEN, CAN YOU DO OUR CHRISTMAS SHOW?' I WENT, 'YEAH, OF COURSE I CAN.' THEY WENT, 'CAN YOU DO IT FOR A DISCOUNT?' I WENT, 'WELL, NO,' AND THEY WENT, 'WELL, COME ON. WE CAN GIVE YOU SOME CONTRA.' AND I'M THINKING 'CONTRABAND ` THAT WOULD BE BLOODY AWESOME.' AND THEY'RE GOING, 'WELL, NO, BUT IF EVER YOU NEED DRUG DETECTION, WE COULD GIVE YOU SOME DRUG DETECTION.' AND I'M THINKING 'LIKE I NEED DRUG DETECTION.' LAUGHTER LIKE, I'VE PROBABLY GOT THE ONLY JOB IN THE WORLD OR IN THIS COUNTRY ANYWHERE` YOU KNOW, IF I WAS TO DO A DRUG TEST AND THERE WAS NO DRUGS IN MY SYSTEM, SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE A LITTLE BIT PISSED OFF. AND THEY WENT 'OH, COME ON, DO IT FOR US FOR A DISCOUNT, 'COS YOUR FRIENDS AT THE HENDERSON POLICE STATION, THEY'RE OUR FRIENDS AT THE HENDERSON POLICE STATION.' THIS IS THE EXTENT OF MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE HENDERSON POLICE ` (CLEARS THROAT) 'HOW ARE YOU, EWEN?' 'YEAH, MATE, I'M GOOD, BRO. YEAH, YEAH.' 'HOW'S YOUR MUM?' 'YEAH, WELL, SHE'S` HOW ARE YOU, MUM?' LAUGHTER 'YEAH, MUM` MUM'S GOOD TOO, BRO.' I THINK ABOUT EWEN ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I THINK OF HIS JOKES. AND EVERY TIME I SEE A THING THAT WAS ONE OF HIS JOKES, HE HAD THIS JOKE WHERE HE WOULD GO, 'DO YOU EVER THINK THAT FOG IS JUST A CLOUD THAT CAN'T BE FUCKED GETTING UP IN THE MORNING?' EVERY TIME I SEE FOG, I THINK OF EWEN GILMOUR. THAT'S HIS LEGACY. (LAUGHS) I THINK THE INTERESTING THING ABOUT EWEN IS THAT HE STARTED OUT AS THE QUINTESSENTIAL WESTIE, RIGHT? THAT WAS KIND OF HIS STAGE PERSONA. AND THEN HE DISCOVERED THAT THAT WAS SO POWERFUL, HE COULDN'T ESCAPE ITS GRAVITATIONAL PULL. AND, UH, EWEN BECAME MORE EWEN THAN EWEN WAS. KNOW WHAT I MEAN? HE JUST COULDN'T` HE FOUND THAT HE WAS TRAPPED INSIDE THAT CHARACTER AND COULD NEVER LEAVE IT AND ACTUALLY BECAME THAT CHARACTER AND DIDN'T KNOW WHEN HE WAS ON STAGE AND WHEN HE WAS OFF. I MEAN, THE BLACK JEANS WERE ALWAYS ON ` WHETHER HE WAS GOLFING, PILATES, SWIMMING ` WHATEVER HE WAS DOING, IT WAS THE SAME KIT, YOU KNOW? GO CRAZY AND WILD FOR MR EWEN GILMOUR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! CHEERING, APPLAUSE EWEN GILMOUR! WHOO! APPLAUSE CONTINUES ALL RIGHT. (CHUCKLES) THANK YOU, THANK YOU. LIKE MIKE SAID, I DO COME FROM WEST AUCKLAND. UM, IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE FROM WEST AUCKLAND HERE TONIGHT? CROWD MEMBERS: YEAH! CAN I GET A LIFT HOME FROM ONE OF YOU GUYS? LAUGHTER I'LL BE THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS. A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN TELL I COME FROM WEST AUCKLAND BY THE WAY THAT I DRESS. UH, THIS IS ACTUALLY WINTER GEAR I HAVE ON THIS EVENING. LAUGHTER AND THIS IS SUMMER WEAR. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE OUR BLACK JEANS ARE VERY PRACTICAL. WE CAN USE THEM AS AN ASHTRAY. WE CAN CHECK THE OIL. OR WE CAN WET OUR PANTS... LAUGHTER ...AND NOBODY NOTICES. AND OUR LEATHER JACKETS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT. FOR ONE THING, THEY MAKE US LOOK A HELL OF A LOT TOUGHER THAN WE REALLY ARE. BUT MOSTLY, THEY ALLOW US TO SNEAK ALCOHOL INTO VENUES. LAUGHTER CROWD HOLLERS UH, THIS JACKET ACTUALLY HOLDS EIGHT. LAUGHTER PERSONALLY, I ONLY HOLD SIX, BUT I NEVER REMEMBER THAT... UNTIL I'VE HAD ALL EIGHT OF THEM. BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT WESTIES ARE A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT. WE DO THINGS A BIT DIFFERENTLY TO YOU GUYS. LIKE, WHEN YOU GUYS DANCE, YOU DO THAT RHYTHMIC WUSSY SHIT. WE DON'T DO THAT. WE DO A THING CALLED HEAD BANGING. NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER SEEN THAT. IT SORT OF GOES LIKE THIS. YOU JUST THROW YOUR HAIR AROUND. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE SONG IS, THE DANCE REMAINS THE SAME. LAUGHTER I DON'T KNOW WHY WE DO THIS. WHOA. NOW I REMEMBER. WHOO! IF YOU LOOKED NEXT TO THE WORD 'WESTIE' IN THE DICTIONARY, YOU WILL SEE A PICTURE OF A MULLET. BUT ATTACHED TO THAT MULLET IS ONE OF OUR BEST-LOVED PERFORMERS. PLEASE SHOW SOME LOVE FOR EWEN GILMOUR! CHEERING, APPLAUSE ROCK MUSIC PLAYS GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! LOOK, I'M GONNA TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW ON THIS STAGE, ON AOTEARO-HA, ON THE TIKI TOUR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO ANNOUNCE THAT I'M GONNA RUN FOR MAYOR OF AUCKLAND SUPERCITY! CHEERING, APPLAUSE FUCK YEAH! THAT'S` THAT'S MY SLOGAN. 'FUCK YEAH!' LAUGHTER THAT'S A GREAT SLOGAN. AND ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I DO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHEN I GET VOTED IN TO MAYOR OF AUCKLAND SUPERCITY, I'M GONNA BREAK AUCKLAND UP INTO SIX OR SEVEN LITTLE DISTRICTS. LAUGHTER FUCK YEAH! AND I'M GONNA MAKE THEM SELF GOVERNING. BUT THERE WILL BE NO PAPAKURA. LAUGHTER PAPAKURA IS LIKE THE RUNT OF THE AUCKLAND CITIES, ISN'T IT? IT IS THE ONE THAT MISSED OUT ON THE MILK. I WILL ACTUALLY HAVE PAPAKURA HUMANELY PUT DOWN. LAUGHTER BUT WE WON'T TELL ANYBODY THAT. WE'LL JUST SAY THAT PAPAKURA'S GONE TO LIVE WITH AUNTY WAIKATO AND UNCLE RODNEY. LAUGHTER AND THERE WILL BE A MOTORWAY GOING THROUGH MT ALBERT TOO! DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT! COS WHEN MY CRIMINAL FRIENDS IN SOUTH AUCKLAND HAVE COMMITTED THEIR CRIMES, I WANT THEM TO BE ABLE TO GET TO WEST AUCKLAND VERY FUCKING QUICKLY! LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE WITH THEIR STOLEN EQUIPMENT SO I CAN SWAP IT WITH P! LAUGHTER FUCK YEAH. LAUGHTER IT'S A GREAT SLOGAN, EH? I LOVE IT. YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I DO A LOT OF CHARITY WORK, AND I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME THINKING THAT I SHOULD BE COMMUNITY WORK. LAUGHTER BUT I DO A LOT OF CHARITY WORK WITH VARIETY, THE CHILDRENS' CHARITY. THAT'S THE GOLD HEART APPEAL, AND WE TRAVEL AROUND THE COUNTRY IN OUR CRAZY CARS RAISING MONEY, SHAKING THE BUCKET, RIGHT? YEAH, IT'S A BLOODY GOOD CAUSE. AND, UH,` FAINT CLAPPING AND` YES, TWO PEOPLE CARE! LAUGHTER WHICH IS WHY WE HAVE TO RAISE THE MONEY. COS IF MORE OF YOU CARED, WE WOULDN'T FUCKIN' HAVE TO! LAUGHTER THIS YEAR, THE VARIETY BASH, IT WENT, UH, FROM AUCKLAND, WENT THROUGH COROMANDEL, DOWN THE EAST COAST TO OPOTIKI THEN ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO NEW PLYMOUTH, RIGHT. WE WERE IN COROMANDEL. I HAD MY BUCKET; I'M SHAKIN' AWAY GOIN, 'HOW YOU GOIN'? GOT ANY SPARE CHANGE?' THIS GUY REACHES INTO HIS POCKET, AND HE PULLS OUT TWO MARIJUANA CIGARETTES AND PUTS TWO MARIJUANA CIGARETTES INTO THE BUCKET. AND I WENT, 'WELL, BUDDY, IT'S FOR THE KIDS.' AND HE GOES, 'OH, IN THAT CASE, THEY SHOULD PROBABLY JUST HAVE ONE, EH? LAUGHTER 'COS IT'S PRETTY STRONG SHIT, BRO!' LAUGHTER TRUTH BE KNOWN, THEY DIDN'T GET EITHER OF THEM, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. LAUGHTER NAH, FUCK NAH. THAT'S THE OTHER SLOGAN. 'NAH, FUCK NAH.' IT'S ALSO A LITTLE TOWN JUST OUT OF GISBORNE. I ACTUALLY DID ANOTHER CHARITY GIG WITH, UH, TIM SHADBOLT. WE WERE IN NEW PLYMOUTH; DID A CHARITY GIG THERE IN NEW PLYMOUTH. TIM AND I ARE GOOD MATES, AND, UH, WE WERE WALKING AROUND NEW PLYMOUTH THE DAY AFTER. NOW, NEW PLYMOUTH'S A BEAUTIFUL PLACE. WE WERE WALKING AROUND THERE, AND THEY'VE GOT THEIR OWN SURF CULTURE THERE. LIKE, THEY'VE GOT A VERY GOOD SURFING TOWN, AND THEY'VE GOT THEIR OWN SURF BRAND CALLED TARANAKI HARDCORE. OR THC. LAUGHTER AND TIM'S GOING, 'OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'VE GOT QUITE THE SURF CULTURE DOWN THERE IN INVERCARGILL. 'IT'D BE NICE IF WE HAD A BRAND LIKE THAT ` LIKE INVERCARGILL HARDCORE.' LAUGHTER YOU'VE ALREADY GOT IT A LITTLE BIT, HAVEN'T YOU TIM? YOU KNOW, HE WAS THE MOST UNLIKELIEST OF COUNCILLORS. IF YOU WERE PICKING A COUNCIL, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE PICKED HIM. I WAS AMAZED THAT EWEN GOT ON THE COUNCIL. I THOUGHT IT WAS KIND OF A STUNT TO BEGIN WITH. THEN HE REALLY EMBRACED IT. HE WAS ONE OF THE NEW COUNCILLORS, AND STRAIGHT AWAY, HE KNEW HOW COUNCIL OPERATED AND FUNCTIONED. NOT EASY OF HIM ` AND HE BECAME A PLAYER IMMEDIATELY. HE STAYED WITH US FOR 2 � YEARS. HERE IN THIS CHAMBER, HE EXCELLED, BECAUSE HE WAS MAKING THINGS MOVE, IF YOU LIKE. GOVERNMENTS CAN'T DO MUCH, BUT COUNCILS CAN DO A LOT. AND WE` WE WERE THE GLUE OF THE WEST, AND HE WAS A TRUE WESTIE. WHEN I WAS LIVING IN WELLINGTON, UH, EWEN CALLED ME ONE DAY AND HE SAYS, 'I'M IN TOWN, CAN YOU COME PICK ME UP?' AND IT WAS JUST AFTER HE'D BEEN ELECTED TO AUCKLAND COUNCIL, AND HE'D COME DOWN FOR THE DAY TO DO SOME MEETING RO SOMETHING AT THE BEEHIVE. AND HE PICKED ME UP, AND HERE WAS A BROKEN MAN WHO LITERALLY HAD A METRE-HIGH STACK OF THINGS TO READ. AND HE HAD SO MUCH READING MATERIAL, AND HE WAS LIKE, 'I GENUINELY GOT INTO THIS COS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE QUITE FUNNY THAT I WAS ON THE CITY COUNCIL. 'AND NOW I HAVE TO READ, LIKE, A BOOK A DAY, AND I'VE NEVER READ A BOOK.' (LAUGHS) AND` AND IT WAS LIKE, 'WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?' AND SO I THINK THAT'S WHY HE ONLY WENT FOR ONE TERM. OTHERWISE HE'D BE MAYOR. HE WOULD'VE BEEN MAYOR OF WAITAKERE, BUT HE WAS JUST LIKE, 'IT'S TOO MUCH READING.' (LAUGHS) ANNOUNCER: GIVE IT UP FOR THE ONE AND ONLY MR EWEN GILMOUR! CHEERING, APPLAUSE GOOD EVENING! HEY! AWESOME! HA! UM, YES, I'VE GOT A CONFESSION. AND THAT IS I USED TO BE A CITY COUNCILLOR. LAUGHTER I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT. THERE IS NO COMEDY IN CITY COUNCIL, EITHER. LET ME TELL YOU THAT. I ONLY MADE TWO JOKES IN THE WHOLE TIME I WAS A COUNCILLOR. THE FIRST JOKE, WE JUST WENT THROUGH THE ANNUAL PLAN, WE JUST GAVE $100,000 TO THE PACIFIC ISLAND COMMUNITY SO THAT THEY COULD EMPLOY THREE PEOPLE, WHERE PREVIOUSLY THEY'D HAD VOLUNTEERS. LAUGHTER THAT'S NOT THE JOKE. THAT'S PREMATURE EVALUATION. LAUGHTER BUT IN WAITAKERE CITY COUNCIL WHERE I WAS A COUNCILLOR, WE GOT A CHINESE CITY COUNCILLOR AND HE WAS PRETTY UPSET WITH THIS MONEY THAT WE GAVE TO THE PACIFIC ISLANDERS, AND HE STOOD UP, AND HE SAID (CHINESE ACCENT) WELL, DID YOU KNOW... THAT IN FIVE YEAR TIME, THE ASIAN POPULATION IS GOING TO OVERTAKE THE PACIFIC ISLAND POPULATION? AND WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, I WENT, 'WELL, FUCK, I HOPE THEY INDICATE.' LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE YEAH. THE LAST THING WE NEED IS THE WHOLE ASIAN POPULATION OVERTAKING THE PACIFIC ISLAND POPULATION WITHOUT INDICATING. CHANCES ARE PACIFIC ISLANDERS HAVEN'T GOT INSURANCE. LAUGHTER OR RESIDENCY. HA. LAUGHTER BUT ONE OF THE LAST THINGS WE DID AT CITY COUNCIL BEFORE I STEPPED DOWN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WAS OUR PROSTITUTION LAW REFORM BILL. NOW, WHAT HAPPENS, RIGHT, COUNCILLORS, THEY RING AROUND TO SEE WHICH WAY YOU'RE GONNA VOTE. THEY WANNA KNOW WHICH WAY YOU'RE GONNA VOTE; TRYING TO DO THE NUMBERS. WHENEVER THEY DID THAT, I WOULD MESS WITH THEIR MINDS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. A COUPLE OF DAYS BEFORE THE MEETING, ONE OF THE COUNCILLORS RUNG ME UP AND HE GOES, 'HEY, EWEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO WITH THE PROSTITUTION BILL?' AND I SAID, 'WELL, PAY IT.' LAUGHTER UM,... 'IF YOU DON'T PAY THAT, BRO, NONE OF US WILL BE ABLE TO GET ANY CREDIT.' LAUGHTER EVEN ON THE DAY OF THE MEETING, I'M SITTING IN THE COUNCILLORS LOUNGE, RIGHT, AND ONE OF THE OTHER COUNCILLORS COMES UP, AND HE GOES, 'EWEN, YOU KNOW THIS AFTERNOON WE'VE GOT OUR PROSTITUTION LAW REFORM BILL?' AND I SAID, 'YES, I DO.' AND HE GOES, 'I WAS JUST WONDERING ` WHAT'S YOUR SEX STRATEGY?' AND I WENT, 'WELL, I NORMALLY START BY DOING THE DISHES.' LAUGHTER 'NOW, SHE KNOWS SOMETHING UP IF I'M DOING THE DISHES. EITHER I WANT A BIT OF LOVIN' 'OR I'M IN SHITLOADS OF TROUBLE.' AND HE GOES, 'NO, YOU IDIOT! WHAT'S YOUR POSITION?' AND I WENT, 'HA HA, THIS JOKES KINDA WRITING ITSELF, REALLY, ISN'T IT?' LAUGHTER IF YOU MUST KNOW, MY POSITION IS DOGGY STYLE! IT IS THE BEST POSITION, THAT ONE, ISN'T IT? COS YOU KNOW, YOU CAN BOTH WATCH TV. LAUGHTER (GRUNTS) 'AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL'S GONNA BE ON 3 SHORTLY.' 'ALL RIGHT, I COULD USE THE, UH, INSPIRATION. OH.' LAUGHTER I RAN THIS PAST MY WIFE THE OTHER NIGHT. I'M GOIN' LIKE THIS, AND SHE GOES, 'WHO DOES THAT?' I WENT, 'FOR THE LAST FUCKIN' EIGHT YEARS, IT HAS BEEN ME!' LAUGHTER 'THAT HAS BEEN MY MOVE! YOU DON'T RECOGNISE THAT SHIT?' LAUGHTER YOU KNOW DOGGY STYLE? LIKE, SEEING THAT WE'RE TALKIN ABOUT IT ` AND I SAY WE, BUT IT'S MOSTLY JUST ME, REALLY, ISN'T IT ` AND, UH, SOME LADIES HAVE GOT THAT LITTLE LOWER BACK TATTOO; YOU KNOW, THAT LITTLE NUMBER PLATE THING YOU GUYS GOT GOIN' ON BACK THERE? LAUGHTER IF YOU'RE THINKING OF GETTING ONE OF THOSE TATTOOS, WHY DON'T YOU GET SOMETHING FOR US GUYS? LIKE, WHY DON'T YOU GET SUDOKU? LAUGHTER HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE? YOU'D BE GOIN', 'OH, THAT'S GOTTA BE A SIX.' LAUGHTER 'ACTUALLY, NO, THAT CAN'T BE A SIX IF THE, UH,... I SHOULD'VE WORKED THIS OUT ON THE SIDE, SHOULDN'T I?' THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH THAT IS IF YOU COME HOME FROM WORK ONE DAY AND YOU START PLAYING SUDOKU, AND YOU FIND IT'S ALREADY HALF DONE. LAUGHTER 'OH, IT'S AN EIGHT! OK.' LAUGHTER 'CAN SEE WHAT HE'S DONE THERE ` HE'S WORKED IT OUT ON THE SIDE!' OH, FUCK, THAT'S GONNA BE SUCH AN INTERESTING DRIVE HOME WITH MY MUM, ISN'T IT? LAUGHTER EWEN'S MUM JANET WAS VERY PROUD OF EWEN AND USED TO COME TO A LOT OF HIS GIGS. THAT'S MY MUM IN THE AUDIENCE. SHE'S DRIVEN ALL THE WAY DOWN FROM WEST AUCKLAND TO SEE THE SHOW. SHE WAS NEVER, KIND OF, 'THAT'S MY BOY. HE'S AMAZING, WHAT A SUPERSTAR.' SHE WAS JUST, 'OH, THIS IS WHAT MY SON DOES, SO I'VE COME TO WATCH HIM AT WORK.' IF HE'D BEEN A BUTCHER, SHE PROBABLY WOULD'VE GONE TO WATCH HIM, YOU KNOW, CUT MEAT. I BRING MY MUM ALONG TO SHOWS LIKE THIS. PEOPLE GO, 'IT'S AWESOME.' I'VE BEEN DOING THIS 20 YEARS, RIGHT, AND PEOPLE GO, 'THAT'S AWESOME YOU BRING YOUR MUM ALONG TO THESE THINGS.' BUT I DO IT FOR A COUPLE OF REALLY GOOD REASONS, OK? ONE BEING THAT I CAN HAVE A FEW BEERS, MUM'S GONNA DRIVE HOME SAFELY. LAUGHTER THE SECOND REASON BEING THAT MUM'S GOT A MOBILITY PARKING CARD... LAUGHTER SO WE ALWAYS GET BLOODY GOOD PARKING. RIGHT, SHE'S GOT A MOBILITY PARKING CARD BECAUSE SHE'S GOT A DISABILITY. AND HER DISABILITY IS THAT SHE'S DEAF. LAUGHTER WE ALL KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR A DEAF PERSON TO FIND A CAR PARKING SPOT. EH? IT'S LIKE, 'OH, THERE'S ONE.' LAUGHTER I ACTUALLY BORROWED MUM'S CAR THE OTHER DAY. IT WAS POURING WITH RAIN. WENT TO THE MALL, IT'S POURING WITH RAIN; I'M DRIVING ROUND AND GOING, 'I CAN'T PARK HERE AND RUN ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE PARKING THING IN THE RAIN, COS IF I GET MY HAIR WET, I' CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH IT,' RIGHT? AND I'M LIKE, 'WHAT AM I GONNA DO?' AND THEN I SAW MY LITTLE ORANGE GLIMMER OF HOPE SITTING ON THE DASHBOARD OF MUM'S CAR THERE, THE BLOODY MOBILITY PARKING CARD. RIGHT? AND I THOUGHT, 'I'LL JUST PARK IN THE MOBILITY PARKING SPOT AT THE FRONT OF THE MALL.' WELL, AS I'M PULLING IN TO THE MOBILITY PARKING SPOT, THERE'S, LIKE, A HUNDRED PEOPLE SHELTERING FROM THE RAIN OUT THE FRONT OF THE MALL, ALL WATCHING ME PARKING IN THE MOBILITY PARKING SPOT. AND I'M LIKE, 'OH, SHIT, NOW I GOTTA COME UP WITH A DISABILITY.' LAUGHTER AND, UH,... SO... LAUGHTER SO WHAT I DID, I GRABBED MUM'S SUNGLASSES, PUT THEM ON, HOPPED OUT OF THE CAR,... LAUGHTER EWEN WAS A GREAT COMEDIAN BECAUSE HE WAS RIDICULOUSLY RELATABLE AND RIDICULOUSLY UNIQUELY NZ. I THINK HE'S AS KIWI AS COMEDY GETS. HE'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH BILLY T JAMES AND FRED DAGG AND FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS. HE COULD NOT HAVE COME FROM ANYWHERE ELSE AND DONE WHAT HE DID, UM, YOU KNOW, AS HE FOUND OUT. HE WASN'T PARTICULARLY MASSIVELY SUCCESSFUL OVERSEAS, BECAUSE HE WAS SO QUINTESSENTIALLY KIWI ` WESTIE, EVEN; YOU KNOW, VERY SPECIFIC. THERE'S ACTUALLY A VERY FAMOUS DEATH OF HIM AT LATE AND LIVE AT EDINBURGH WHERE HE, UH, APPARENTLY DIED SO BADLY THAT THE AUDIENCE, COS THEY'RE` IT'S LIKE A BEAR PIT, IT'S A HORRIBLE GIG, BUT IT'S KIND OF A RIGHT OF PASSAGE TO DO. AND HE DID IT, AND HE DID SO BADLY THAT THEY ENCORED HIM SO THEY COULD BOO HIM OFF AGAIN. (LAUGHS) SO THEY ENCORED HIM, AND HE COMES BACK ON, AND THEY'RE ALL BOOING AND YELLING AT HIM, BUT HE COMES BACK ON, AND THEN HE GOES AND REACHES INTO HIS TOP POCKET, AND PULLS OUT A FLIER AND GOES, 'WELL, IF ANYONE WANTS TO COME TO MY SHOW...' AND IT GOT A LAUGH... (LAUGHS) AND THEN, HE'S LIKE, 'OH, I'M BACK IN HERE.' SO HE KEEPS GOING, AND THEN THEY JUST START BOOING AGAIN. CHEERING, APPLAUSE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE THE FUTURE SUPER MAYOR OF AUCKLAND, MR EWEN GILMOUR. UM, I'M VERY EXCITED TO BE HERE TONIGHT AGAIN AT GALA OPENING. BUT THIS ONE'S VERY SPECIAL FOR ME, BECAUSE I HAVE GIVEN UP SMOKING! CHEERING, APPLAUSE YEAH. JUST` JUST THE CIGARETTES. LAUGHTER I'M ON 30 JOINTS A DAY NOW. LAUGHTER NOT EASY TO GIVE UP, THOUGH, IS IT? I TRIED HEAPS OF TIMES TO GIVE UP. WHEN I WAS IN ENGLAND, I TRIED HYPNOSIS. DIDN'T WORK FOR ME; I STILL SMOKED. OF COURSE, EVERY TIME I HAD A CIGARETTE, THOUGHT I WAS A CHICKEN. (CHUCKLES) AND BEING A KIWI, YOU SEE, I SAY TO EVERYBODY, 'OH, YEAH, I WAS IN ENGLAND; I WAS THERE FOR 18 MONTHS.' A YEAR AND A HALF I LIVED IN ENGLAND. AND THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS, I ONLY LIVED IN ENGLAND FOR SIX MONTHS, BUT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE A KIWI IN ENGLAND, YOU TIMES EVERYTHING BY THREE. LAUGHTER MAN, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE SIZE OF MY PENIS IN ENGLAND. LAUGHTER NOT EASY TO GIVE UP, THOUGH. I TELL YOU WHAT, I GOT ANGRY AT MYSELF. I JUST GET INTO ARGUMENTS WITH MYSELF. I JUST GOT SO ANGRY, GIVING UP SMOKING, ABOUT NOTHING. I NEARLY PUNCHED MYSELF OUT ONE NIGHT. BUT, MAN, THE MAKE UP SEX. LAUGHTER FUCK YEAH, YEAH. I START ARGUMENTS WITH MYSELF NOW ON PURPOSE. LAUGHTER JUST SO I CAN HAVE SOME MAKE UP SE 'I CAN'T STAY ANGRY AT YOU.' LAUGHTER 'YOU BEEN WORKING OUT? COS YOU LOOKIN' HOT!' ALMOST LIKE CARTOONISTS THAT START VERY EARLY, I THINK HE STARTED TO TAKE THE PISS OUT OF THINGS WHEN HE WAS PROBABLY ABOUT 12 YEARS OLD, AND HE'D JUST PERFECTED THAT. IN MY MIND, HE ARRIVED IN HIS FIRST GIG FULLY FORMED. HE WAS ALREADY THAT COMPLETE CHARACTER. AND MAYBE HE JUST, YOU KNOW, COLOURED IT IN A LITTLE BIT. AND WHEN I SAY COLOUR, I MEAN BLACK, OBVIOUSLY, COS THAT'S THE ONLY COLOUR YOU CAN USE OUT WEST. EWEN ONLY EVER GOT BETTER. AND EWEN HAD THE GREAT CHARACTER TO START WITH WHICH CAPTURED PEOPLE'S IMAGINATION, BUT HE JUST GOT BETTER AND BETTER AND BETTER AND BETTER. BEFORE I GET GOING TONIGHT, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY, I'VE BEEN DOING STAND UP COMEDY NOW FOR TWO YEARS, AND IN THAT TIME, I'VE BEEN GETTING UP ON STAGE AND SAYING THAT I'M SINGLE. AND TONIGHT, I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND. HOLLERING, APPLAUSE BUT IT'S NOT BLOODY TRUE, SO I SUPPOSE THAT'S IRRELEVANT, REALLY, ISN'T IT? IT'S NOT THAT I HAVEN'T TRIED, THOUGH. I HAVE TRIED TO GET A GIRLFRIEND. FOR VALENTINE'S DAY, I WENT TO THE DESPERATE AND DATELESS BALL, UM, COS I WAS DATELESS, YOU KNOW. (CHUCKLES) OK, DESPERATE. UM, BUT I WENT WITH A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, TONY. HE'S A LOT LIKE ME, I S'POSE ` HE'S GOT LONG HAIR AND HE DRINKS FAR TOO MUCH. BUT WE WENT THERE, AND WHAT BASICALLY HAPPENS THERE IS YOU FILL OUT A CARD WITH ALL YOUR PARTICULARS ` ALL YOUR LIKES, DISLIKES, A SMOKER, NON-SMOKER; THAT SORT OF THING. THEY FEED ALL OF THIS INFORMATION INTO A COMPUTER AND COMPUTER MATCH YOU WITH YOUR IDEAL PARTNER. THEY MATCHED ME UP WITH MY MATE TONY. LAUGHTER SURPRISED. (CHUCKLES) WE GOT ON REALLY WELL. DRIVING INTO DUNEDIN, THOUGH, THERE WAS A SIGN THERE, RIGHT. IT SAID, UH, 'NO STOPPING, 8KM', JUST AS YOU'RE GOING UP OVER THE HILL. JUST AS I GOT TO THAT SIGN, 'NO STOPPING, 8 KM,' A POLICE CAR PULLS UP BEHIND ME AND GOES, 'HEY YOU, IN THE PIECE OF SHIT, PULL OVER.' I'M GOING, 'CAN'T BUDDY ` NO STOPPING, 8KM!' HE'S GOING, 'YOU, IN THE PIECE OF SHIT, PULL OVER!' I'M GOING, 'CAN'T - NO STOPPING, 8KM! GET STUFFED, COPPER!' GOT TO THE END OF THE 8KM AND I THREW A U-TURN. LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE LET'S SEE WHO'S GOT THE MOST GAS IN THEIR CAR, BUDDY! LAUGHTER SO EWEN, FOR A WHILE, DROVE A LIMO ` A SIGN-WRITTEN GT RADIALS LIMO. I LIVE IN WEST AUCKLAND NOW, AND I WAS GOING UP THE NORTH-WESTERN MOTORWAY, AND I SAW THE LIMO, AND I PULLED UP NEXT TO IT AND I WOUND DOWN MY WINDOW, AND HE WOUND DOWN HIS WINDOW, AND HE HAD A CONVERSATION ON THE NORTH-WESTERN MOTORWAY AT 100KM/H. I HAD MY LITTLE DAUGHTER IN THE BACK WHO WAS 2 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME. AND ANYWAY, EWEN AND I SAID A COUPLE OF THINGS, AND HE DROVE OFF. AND MY DAUGHTER FROM THE BACK, AS HE DROVE OFF AND I PUT THE WINDOW UP, SHE GOES, 'THAT LADY HAD A BEARD.' (LAUGHS) 20 YEARS I'VE BEEN DOING THIS, AND THE WAY I LOOK AT IT, I'VE SLOWLY BEEN GOING BALD ON NATIONAL TV. YEAH, IT'S LIKE EVERY DAY NOW. IT'S LIKE A SERIES OF SURVIVOR UP HERE ` EVERY DAY, HUNDREDS ARE GETTING VOTED OFF. LAUGHTER THEY FACE CHALLENGES ` YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. LAUGHTER YEAH, IT'S LIKE WE USE THE SAME HAIRDRESSER. BUT NO, EVERY DAY, HUNDREDS ARE GETTING VOTED OFF, AND THEY FACE CHALLENGES LIKE THE HAIR BRUSH. LIKE, EVEN SHAMPOOING AND CONDITIONING, SOME DAYS, I GO, 'OH, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN AFFORD TO DO BOTH.' BUT I'M NOT A BIG FAN NECESSARILY OF THOSE SURVIVOR SHOWS. LIKE BEAR GRYLLS ` HOW LONG'S THAT BEEN GOING NOW? FIVE, SIX YEARS OR SOMETHING, OK? A NEW SERIES JUST STARTED. HE GETS SOMEWHERE, LANDS SOMEWHERE, GOES, 'RIGHT, WHAT I'VE GOTTA DO NOW IS BLOODY LIGHT A FIRE THEN FIND MY WAY OUT OF HERE.' AND THE WAY I LOOK AT IT IS YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR FIVE OR SIX YEARS ` YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING. LAUGHTER TAKE A FUCKIN' LIGHTER, BEAR GRYLLS. LIKE, 'OH, YOU GOTTA FIND YOUR WAY OUT? TAKE A SMART PHONE!' GOOGLE MAPS IS KIND OF AWESOME. AND ALSO, HE COULD UPDATE HIS FACEBOOK, COULDN'T HE? HE'D GO, 'OH LOOK, HERE'S A CRICKET. THAT'S DINNER.' YOU KNOW? WEE INTO HIS HAND, TAKE A BIT, 'WHOA, GONNA GET ON THE PISS LATER.' LAUGHTER OTHER SHOWS I'M NOT A BIG FAN OF. EVERY SUNDAY, EVERY CHANNEL FOR FOUR HOURS, YOU'VE GOT FISHING SHOWS. ALL RIGHT? FOUR HOURS OF FISHING SHOWS. YEAH, EXACTLY, YOU'RE LOVING THAT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD LIKE, PAUL? IS JUST ONCE, I WOULD LIKE THEM TO HAVE ONE WHOLE EPISODE THAT'S LIKE WHEN I GO FISHING AND NOBODY CATCHES ANYTHING. LAUGHTER A WHOLE HALF HOUR OF THAT. IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, PAUL, IN A BOAT, GOING, LIKE, 'ANYTHING?' 'NAH, NOTHING, MATE.' LIKE, THAT'S LIKE WHEN I GO FISHING, I'M JUST CHUCKING BAITS, SINKERS AND BLOODY HOOKS INTO THE OCEAN. SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN BOTHER TYING THEM ON. I FUCKIN' JUST CHUCK 'EM LIKE THAT. LAUGHTER LIKE, IF I'M IN A REAL HURRY, I JUST GO DOWN THE WHARF AND CHUCK 20 BUCKS IN, MATE. I HAVEN'T EVEN GOT TIME TO BLOODY WAIT AND DO THAT. LAUGHTER JEREMY CORBETT: IT IS WESTIE COMEDY LEGEND, EWEN GILMOUR! CHEERING, APPLAUSE, ROCK MUSIC PLAYS YEAH, 20 YEARS I'VE BEEN DOING COMEDY, AND, UH, 20 YEARS AGO, I JUST STARTED TALKING ABOUT BEING SINGLE, AND HERE WE ARE 20 YEARS LATER, AND I'M SINGLE. ACTUALLY, I DON'T LIKE TO REFER TO MYSELF AS BEING SINGLE. I LIKE TO REFER TO MYSELF AS BEING AN EMOTIONALLY WOUNDED SEAL IN A SEA FULL OF COUGAR SHARKS. LAUGHTER OH, AND THEY'RE OUT THERE. THEY CAN SMELL THE BLOOD. THEY'RE CIRCLING, DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT. LIKE JEREMY SAID TO ME, 'COME ON, EWEN, THERE MUST BE A COUGAR OUT THERE FOR YOU.' AND I'M GOING, 'CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW OLD THAT COUGAR HAS TO BE FOR ME NOW?' LAUGHTER CAN JUST SEE THAT CONVERSATION GOING DOWN, EH? 'OH, BLUE RINSE? YEAH, BLUE RINSE IS AWESOME! 'NOT MANY WOMEN CAN PULL THAT OFF. OH SHIT, YOU CAN ACTUALLY PULL IT OFF. THAT IS AWESOME.' PEOPLE DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH HE WORKED. I MEAN, HE TOURED CONSTANTLY. LOTS OF US COULD THINK OF NOTHING WORSE THAN BEING ON THE ROAD LIKE THAT FOR DAYS AND DAYS DEALING WITH RANDOM PUNTERS. THAT WAS HIS FAVOURITE THING. HE JUST LOVED IT. SO EVERY TIME I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH EWEN ` WE'D TALK EVERY COUPLE OF DAYS ` HE'D ALWAYS FINISH THE CALL WITH SOMETHING FUNNY. BUT USUALLY IT WOULD BE, 'I LOVE YOU, VAUGHAN.' AND I'D GO, 'YEAH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT, MATE.' AND HE'D GO 'I LOVE YOU, VAUGHAN.' AND HE'D WAIT UNTIL I SAY IT BACK OR I'D JUST END UP HANGING UP AND IT WAS AN ONGOING THING. THIS ONE TIME, HE CALLED UP, AND HE WAS VERY PERSISTENT. YOU KNOW, HE SAID, 'I LOVE YOU, VAUGHAN.' AND I GO, 'ALL RIGHT, MATE. YEAH, YEAH, GOOD, GOOD.' AND HE GOES, 'VAUGHAN, I LOVE YOU.' AND I JUST THOUGHT, HE'S NOT GONNA LET IT GO. I'VE GOTTA SAY IT BACK. HE'S NOT GONNA LET IT GO AT ALL. SO I WENT, 'ALL RIGHT, EWEN, I LOVE YOU TOO.' AND THEN THERE WAS A MASSIVE ROUND OF LAUGHTER. HE ACTUALLY WAS IN THE COUNCIL AT WAITAKERE COUNCIL AND HAD ME ON SPEAKER PHONE, AND DID THAT FOR A LAUGH FOR EVERYONE THERE. THE THING IS, I ACTUALLY HAVE TWO CRIMINAL CONVICTIONS. I'M BLOODY HARD TO BELIEVE, COS YOU LOOK INNOCENT ENOUGH. LAUGHTER THE FIRST CONVICTION I GOT ` WHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OF AGE, I GOT CAUGHT STEALING A CAR BATTERY FROM A CAR THAT WAS PARKED OUTSIDE THE HENDERSON POLICE STATION. I DON'T THINK ANYBODY RANG AND REPORTED ME; I JUST THINK THE COP LOOKED OUT HIS WINDOW ` 'HEY, HANG ON, THAT'S MY CAR!' GRABBED ME AND BUSTED ME. AND HE TOOK ME INSIDE AND PROCESSED ME, YOU KNOW ` FINGERPRINTS AND PHOTOGRAPHS, AS THEY DO. AND THEY DID THAT AND THEY RANG MY PARENTS, AS IS THE LAW, TO SAY THAT THEY'D BUSTED ME COS I WAS UNDERAGE. THEY RANG MY PARENTS TO SAY THEY WERE SENDING ME HOME. AND I GOT HOME THERE, AND I WALKED INSIDE, AND MY MUM BURST INTO TEARS AND GOES, 'OH, MY GOD, JIM, THEY TOOK HIS PHOTOGRAPH AND HE WAS DRESSED LIKE THAT?' LAUGHTER I WENT TO CHRISTCHURCH LAST YEAR FOR THE COMEDY FESTIVAL. WHEN I WAS THERE, I GOT ARRESTED FOR CLIMBING TO THE TOP OF A STATUE OF SIR EDMUND HILARY. COS I WANTED TO BE THE FIRST PERSON TO CLIMB THE FIRST PERSON WHO CLIMBED TO THE TOP OF MT EVEREST. AND THE POLICE SAID, 'WHY'D YOU DO IT?' AND I SAID, 'WELL, COS IT WAS THERE.' LAUGHTER IF YOU'VE SEEN, THE POLICE WANT US TO ADOPT THIS HAND SIGNAL WHEN WE'RE DRIVING TO SAY SORRY TO COMBAT ROAD RAGE. SO YOU'RE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD... (WHIRRS, BANGS) 'WHOA!' LAUGHTER OR YOU'RE RUNNING REALLY LATE AND YOU KNOW THERE'S A SPEED CAMERA UP THE ROAD ` (WHIRRS) LAUGHTER YOU CAN JUST SEE THE GUY DEVELOPING THOSE PHOTOS, CAN'T YOU? 'YEAH, GUILTY; GUILTY; 'OH LOOK, THIS GUY'S SORRY.' ONE OF THE INTEREST THINGS WITH EWAN IS, WHENEVER I GIGGED WITH HIM, WHEN WE'D MEET BACKSTAGE, WE NEVER HAD A CONVERSATION, AS SUCH. THE FIRST THING HE WOULD DO TO ME IS TELL ME JOKES, AND THEY WERE NEW JOKES THAT HE WAS TRYING OUT THAT NIGHT. AND I THINK THAT WAS KINDA HIS WAY OF COPYRIGHTING THEM, YOU KNOW? TELL 'EM TO ME, GET MY REACTION, OBVIOUSLY, BUT HE'S TOLD ME THAT JOKE, SO THAT'S HIS. SO STAY AWAY FROM THAT AREA. YOU'D ARRIVE IN A GREEN ROOM, AND HE'D HAVE A CHAT TO YOU ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED ON HIS WAY TO THE GIG OR SOME STORY THAT HAD HAPPENED, AND YOU'D SAY SOMETHING AND HE'D SAY SOMETHING AND WE'D ALL SAY SOMETHING, AND TWO MINUTES LATER, HE'D BE DOWN ON STAGE TELLING THAT STORY WORD FOR WORD WITH A LITTLE BIT OF 'MICHELLE SAID THIS, AND WHOEVER ELSE SAID THAT' THROWN INTO HIS STORY. YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING A CONVERSATION ` HE WAS REHEARSING. IT WOULD DRIVE YOU NUTS. WE USED TO CALL IT DOING A EWEN IF ANYONE ELSE DID THAT. HE WAS AS REAL IN THE GREEN ROOM AS HE WAS ON STAGE, AND THE OTHER WAY ROUND. HE WAS` HE WAS JUST HAVING A CHAT ON STAGE. MAN, IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK. I` I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY BEEN ANYWHERE. LAUGHTER YEAH. LIKE, I'VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG TO GET ON STAGE TONIGHT, I STARTED MEDITATING, COS YOU KNOW, IT'S BETTER THAN SITTING AROUND DOING NOTHING. LAUGHTER WENT TO MY DOCTOR A WHILE AGO, COS I THOUGHT I'D HAD A HEART ATTACK. ALL RIGHT, I WENT TO MY DOCTOR, TUAKAU HEALTH CENTRE, OR THC. LAUGHTER MY DOCTOR, HE'S MAKING ME DO ALL THESE TESTS ` THE BLOOD TEST, DID THE URINE AND THE SPERM, BUT ACTUALLY IT WAS JUST BLOOD AND URINE, BUT THERE WAS SOME FUCKIN' GOOD MAGAZINES IN THERE. LAUGHTER ONE THING LEAD TO ANOTHER. ACTUALLY, I DON'T NORMALLY TALK ABOUT ADS, BUT YOU KNOW THEY'VE GOT THAT AD ON TV FOR THE CERVICAL SMEAR TEST, AND THE LADIES 'COME ON, LET'S DO IT! ALL US SISTERS TOGETHER! COME ON! (YELPS)' LAUGHTER YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE AN AD LIKE THAT FOR MEN AND PROSTATE CHECKS. LAUGHTER IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, OK? THE VAN AIN'T GONNA TURN UP AT GREG'S PLACE AND ME GET OUT AND GO, 'COME ON, GREG! GET IN THE VAN!' LAUGHTER 'GET IN THE VAN, GREG!' LAUGHTER I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T DOUBLE DIP. LAUGHTER BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, IF THEY DID HAVE ADS LIKE THAT, THE TRIP HOME WOULD BE A SHITLOAD QUIETER, WOULDN'T IT? LAUGHTER SO THE DOCTOR DID ALL THE TESTS, AND HE GOES TO ME, 'YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE REALLY GOOD. 'YOU'RE HEALTHY AS, YOU'RE GONNA LIVE FOR ANOTHER 40 YEARS.' I'M GOING, 'OH FUCK, I CAN'T AFFORD THAT.' LAUGHTER AND MY DOCTOR, HE'S WORRIED ABOUT ME. HE'S WORRIED ABOUT MY DEPRESSION ` 'HAVE YOU GOT DEPRESSION?' COS MY WIFE PASSED AWAY; IT'S VERY VERY SAD. AND HE SAID, 'HAVE YOU GOT DEPRESSION? 'HAVE YOU GOT DEPRESSION?' AND I WENT, 'I'M OK WITH IT. I'M OK WITH IT. I'M DEALING WITH IT.' HE SAYS THE WEIRDEST THING TO ME. HE GOES, 'HAVE YOU HEARD OF MIKE KING?' LAUGHTER I WENT, 'THE COMEDIAN?' HE GOES, 'YEAH. HE'S GOT DEPRESSION.' I WENT, 'ARE YOU TRYING TO COMPARE MY DEPRESSION WITH MIKE KING'S DEPRESSION?' AND HE GOES, 'WELL, YEAH,' AND I GO, 'WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT I LOST MY WIFE. HE LOST HIS DRUG DEALER.' LAUGHTER, GROANING I'VE STILL GOT MY DRUG DEALER! LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE THEN I GOT HIM TO CHECK OUT MY HAEMORRHOID. AND, UH, ACTUALLY, I MEAN I CAME WITH MY HAEMORRHOID; I LIVE WITH IT ALL THE TIME, I'M FINE WITH IT. BUT I JUST THOUGHT FOR 44 BUCKS,... LAUGHTER FOR THE VISIT, FUCKIN' CHECK OUT THE HAEMORRHOID, BRO! LAUGHTER WHO'S DEPRESSED NOW, BITCH? LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE SO HE WROTE A JOKE FOR HIS FUNERAL, AND I WAS LIKE, 'YEAH, SURE, MATE. THAT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.' AND, UH, OF COURSE, IT DID. SO WHEN I TURNED UP TO THE FAMILY HOME, HIS BROTHER AND A FEW OF EWEN'S MATES STRAIGHT AWAY WERE LIKE, 'YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO DO THE JOKE?' AND, UH, TALK ABOUT AN AWKWARD TIME. I HAD TO EXPLAIN` THERE WAS ABOUT 500 AND SOMETHING PEOPLE AT HIS FUNERAL, SO I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT EWEN HAD WROTE THIS JOKE, OTHERWISE YOU'RE JUST A GUY TELLING A JOKE AT A FUNERAL, WHICH ISN'T IDEAL. UH, SO THIS IS WHAT EWEN WROTE FOR HIS FUNERAL. IT WAS, UM, I'D SAY` IT WAS A KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE. 'KNOCK KNOCK.' 500 PEOPLE ` 'WHO'S THERE?' 'WELL, NOT EWEN.' VERY VERY AWKWARD. THEY NEED, LIKE, COOKING SHOWS, RIGHT, LIKE, FOR DUDES. LIKE, JUST DUDES' COOKING SHOWS, YOU KNOW? AND IMAGINE IT ` IT'S JUST ME AND SOME BLOODY DUDE DOING SOME COOKING, AND WE GO THERE AND THERE'S MANU AND THE OTHER DUDE, UM` NOBODY KNOWS WHO THE OTHER DUDE IS, COS EVERYBODY LOVES MANU. LAUGHTER HEY, ALL YOU LADIES, YOU'RE LIKE, 'OH, IT'S MANU. HE'S SO SEXY.' HE'S NOT SEXY, HE'S JUST GOT AN ACCENT! LIKE, IF HE CAME FROM THE NORTH ` YEAH, EXACTLY ` IF HE CAME FROM THE NORTH OF ENGLAND, AND HE WAS LIKE (COCKNEY ACCENT) 'ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE, RIGHT? BLACK BEAN SAUCE, RIGHT? 'THERE'S NO BLOODY SAUCE, MATE. THAT'S YOUR PROB'M, RIGHT? YEAH? FUCK YEAH.' WOULDN'T BE SO SEXY THEN, WOULD HE? BUT OH NO, IT'S ALL (FRENCH ACCENT) 'OH, YOU SEE WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS? LAUGHTER 'IT'S NOT ENOUGH SAAAUCE.' AND ALL YOU LADIES ARE THERE IN THE LOUNGE GOING 'OH, I'LL FUCKIN' GIVE YOU BLOODY SAUCE, MANU! 'I'LL BLOODY GIVE YOU SAUCE!' LAUGHTER AND THEN YOUR` YOUR HUSBAND WALKS IN,... LAUGHTER ...AND YOU SKYPE FREEZE. LAUGHTER IT'S REAL LIFE. YOU CAN'T SKYPE FREEZE IN REAL LIFE. WE SEE THAT SHIT! BUT A COOKING SHOW FOR DUDES, AND I GO UP TO MANU, AND HE GOES, (FRENCH ACCENT) 'SO WHAT YOU HAVE FOR US TODAY?' I GO 'YEAH, IT'S A TOASTED SANDWICH, MANU.' LAUGHTER 'IT'S CHEESE AND ONION.' AND I KNOW PRESENTATION'S IMPORTANT, SO I'VE CUT IT DIAGONALLY. LAUGHTER AND THEN THE NEXT WEEK, WHEN HE GOES, (FRENCH ACCENT) 'OH, EWEN, WHAT YOU HAVE FOR US THIS WEEK?' I GO 'YEAH, IT'S ANOTHER BLOODY CHEESE AND ONION TOASTED SANDWICH, MANU.' COS HE HASN'T HAD ONE FOR A WEEK, HAS HE? LAUGHTER YOU ROLL THAT SHIT BACK AROUND. LAUGHTER NOW, I DON'T HAVE KIDS, BUT IF I DID HAVE KIDS, I WOULD WANT ONE OF THOSE MY KITCHEN RULES KIDS. YOU KNOW THOSE ONES? HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE? THAT WOULD BE AWESOME, WOULDN'T IT? COS IMAGINE IT. STEVIE, COMES HOME FROM SCHOOL, AND YOU GO, 'RIGHT, STEVIE, YOU'VE GOT 1 HOUR AND 45 MINUTES... LAUGHTER '...ANYTHING YOU CAN FIND EITHER IN THE PANTRY OR IN THE FRIDGE TO MAKE US AN AWESOME DINNER.' AND, LIKE, I'LL DO HIS HOMEWORK. LAUGHTER COS HE'S ONLY BLOODY 7 OR 8, DOESN'T MATTER IF HE GETS IT RIGHT, DOES HE? FUCK, THAT'D BE GOOD. (CHUCKLES) SO, YEAH, YOU'D MAKE YOUR OWN FUN. UM,... I DO. I MAKE MY OWN FUN ALL THE TIME. I TRAVEL A LOT; I STAY IN A LOT OF HOTELS. AND, UH, WHAT I DO IS, UM, WHEN I GO AND STAY IN A HOTEL, QUITE OFTEN THERE'S TWO BEDS. THERE'S ONE YOU SLEEP IN AND THE ONE YOU PUT YOUR BAGS ON. BUT WHAT I DO ` THE BED I'M NOT GONNA SLEEP IN, WHAT I DO IS I SHORT SHEET OR HALF SHEET THAT BED. YOU KNOW? THAT'S WHERE YOU FOLD EVERYTHING UP FROM THE BOTTOM; YOU GET THE SHEETS, FOLD THAT UP, TUCK IT IN, REMAKE THE BED, AND THEN YOU PUT YOUR BAGS ON IT. BECAUSE THE NEXT DAY, THEY'RE NOT GONNA MAKE THAT BED, ARE THEY? THEY'RE ONLY GONNA MAKE THE BED THAT I SLEPT IN. NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS JOKE'S GONNA PAY OFF. LAUGHTER (LAUGHS) I DON'T KNOW. BUT IMAGINE IT ` PAUL, YOU'RE ON A CONFERENCE WITH YOU, SIR. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? WHAT DO YOU DO, KAREM? KAREM: I WORK IN REAL ESTATE. REAL ESTATE. OK, YOU'RE ON A REAL ESTATE CONFERENCE. YOU THINK YOU'D FIND SOMEWHERE EASIER TO STAY, BUT ANYWAY, YOU'RE ON A REAL ESTATE CONFERENCE WITH PAUL. AND IT'S A CONFERENCE, SO YOU'VE BEEN OUT DRINKING UNTIL 2 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, COS IT'S BLOODY IMPORTANT ` YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET SHIT-FACED AT 2 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. AND YOU GET BACK TO YOUR HOTEL ROOM, AND AS YOU'RE HOPPING INTO BED, ONE OF YOU GOES, LIKE, 'HEY. OH, HANG ON. HEY, THAT'S` 'FUCKIN' THING. HOLD IT. YEAH. 'YOU'VE BLOODY SHORT-SHEETED MY BED.' AND THE THING IS AT 2 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING WHEN YOUR BED'S BEEN SHORT-SHEETED, YOU DON'T THINK 'ACTUALLY, FOR A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, I SHOULD GET OUT OF THIS BED AND REMAKE IT.' LAUGHTER IT'S 2 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING; YOU'RE FULL OF PISS. YOU'LL GO, 'I TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL FIGHT MY WAY THROUGH THIS. (GRUNTS)' LAUGHTER 'YEAH, NIGHT!' 'YEAH, NIGHT.' I'M THE BASTARD THAT DOES THAT. LAUGHTER I` HONESTLY, I HAVE SO MUCH SPARE TIME IN HOTEL ROOMS. I'M GONNA CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT STAYING IN HOTEL ROOMS, RIGHT? I HAVE SO MUCH SPARE TIME IN HOTEL ROOMS, I GO AROUND TOUCHING THINGS WITH THE END OF MY PENIS. LAUGHTER, GROANING IT'S LIKE, 'LIGHT SWITCH! ON, OFF, ON, OFF, ON, OFF!' TV REMOTE, I'M ALL OVER THAT. LAUGHTER IT'S KNOB-ON-KNOB ACTION, RIGHT THERE. LAUGHTER COFFEE SACHETS. GROANING SUGAR SACHETS. I TEABAG TEABAGS. LAUGHTER FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER TOUCHED WITH ME KNOB IN A HOTEL ROOM IS, YOU KNOW WHEN THE DOOR, THAT LITTLE THING YOU LOOK THROUGH TO SEE WHO'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR? I TOTALLY COCK SLAPPED THAT ONE NIGHT. LAUGHTER I STAY` HONESTLY, I STAY IN HOTEL ROOMS SO MUCH THAT LAST WEEKEND, I STAYED AT A FRIEND'S PLACE; WHEN I GOT UP IN THE MORNING, I TOOK ALL OF HIS SOAPS AND SHAMPOOS. LAUGHTER BUT THIS IS HOW YOU'RE REALLY GONNA KNOW IF YOU'VE STAYED IN ONE OF MY HOTEL ROOMS, RIGHT. WHAT I DO IS, I GET UP IN THE MORNING AND HAVE A SHOWER. UH, I GET OUT OF THE SHOWER, AND THE MIRROR, IT'S ALL MISTED OVER; IT'S ALL FOGGED UP. SO WHAT I DO IS I DRAW A HUGE PENIS WITH A BIG KNOB AND A SET OF TESTICLES. AND, UM, BECAUSE BY THE TIME I'VE FINISHED PACKING MY BAG AND I'VE DONE MY HAIR AND I'M READY TO LEAVE, THE MIRROR'S CLEAR. THERE'S NOTHING ON THAT MIRROR. AND THEY DON'T CLEAN THAT SHIT. THE SAME AS THEY DON'T CLEAN THE LIGHT SWITCHES AND THE TV REMOTES ` THEY DON'T CLEAN IT! LAUGHTER AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS JOKE'S GONNA PAY OFF. RIGHT, BUT IMAGINE ` YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING, RIGHT, AND ALL YOU WANT IS A NICE, REFRESHING SHOWER COS YOU HAD A FUCKED UP NIGHT'S SLEEP COS YOUR BED WAS ALL... (GRUNTS). ALL RIGHT? AND YOU GET OUT OF YOUR SHOWER AND THERE ON YOUR MIRROR IS A HUGE PENIS WITH A KNOB AND A SET OF TESTICLES, AND YOU'RE LIKE, 'OH, MY GOD, NO! 'WHILE I WAS IN THE SHOWER, SOMEBODY BROKE INTO MY ROOM, 'CAME INTO THE BATHROOM, THEY'VE DRAWN A HUGE PENIS ON THE MIRROR!' IT'S NOT A REAL PENIS, OK? I JUST USED MY FINGER. LAUGHTER I THINK HE'S A HUGE LESSON TO EVERYBODY ABOUT BEING AUTHENTIC; ABOUT BEING WHO YOU REALLY ARE. HIS LEGACY IS HERE IN THIS CHAMBER, IN THIS CITY, AND IN THIS COUNTRY. HE WON'T BE FORGOTTEN THAT EASY. THE WAY PEOPLE TALK NOW IN HOW EVER MANY YEARS IT'S BEEN ABOUT BILLY T, I THINK WE'LL BE TALKING ABOUT EWEN IN THE SAME WAY. COMEDIANS LOVE TO LEAVE WITH A LAUGH ` YOU KNOW, LEAVE THE STAGE AND WALK OFF WITH A BIG LAUGH. OR JUST IN A ROOM WITH THEIR MATES, WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO ENTERTAIN EACH OTHER, THEY'LL SAY SOMETHING FUNNY, EVERYONE WILL LAUGH AND THEY'LL GO, 'THAT'S ME, I'M OUT,' AND THEY'LL WALK OUT. SO IN WAY, THAT'S WHAT EWAN'S DONE WITH DOING SUCH A GREAT SET ON HIS LAST NIGHT ON EARTH, YOU KNOW ` JUST COME IN, SMASHED THE ROOM, 'WAS THAT OK? GOOD,' AND DISAPPEAR. I'M WEARING GLASSES NOW, AND YOU'RE ALL LOOKING AT ME AND GOING, 'SHIT, BILLY CONNOLLY'S PREGNANT.' LAUGHTER AND, UH,... SOME PEOPLE DON'T RECOGNISE ME WITH THESE GLASSES. RIGHT, I WENT TO WELLINGTON THE DAY THEY HAD THE BIG EARTHQUAKE. I WAS IN AUCKLAND OUT AT THE AIRPORT, THERE WAS A GUY THERE FROM THE GOVERNMENT, PRETTY HIGH UP IN THE GOVERNMENT, KEPT TELLING ME 'OH, I'M PRETTY HIGH UP IN THE GOVERNMENT.' HIS NAME'S JOHN KEY ` YOU MIGHT'VE HEARD OF HIM, HE'S PRETTY HIGH UP IN THE GOVERNMENT. AND HE SAYS TO ME, 'WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?' AND I WENT 'WELL, I'M A COMEDIAN.' AND HE GOES 'REALLY? WHAT'S YOUR NAME?' I SAID 'I'M EWEN GILMOUR.' HE GOES 'REALLY? YOU'RE EWEN GILMOUR?' AND I WENT 'YEAH!' AND I TOOK MY GLASSES OFF; HE GOES, 'SHIT, YOU ARE EWEN GILMOUR!' AND I'M THINKING 'THAT'S HOW CLARK KENT GOT AWAY WITH IT FOR SO LONG.' LAUGHTER IT'S... BUT I GOT TO WELLINGTON; IT WAS THE DAY THEY HAD THE BIG EARTHQUAKE, RIGHT? A HUGE EARTHQUAKE THERE. SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I'VE NEVER BEEN IN AN EARTHQUAKE BEFORE; SCARED ME. I GOT THE FASTEST CAR I COULD AND LEFT WELLINGTON. FASTEST CAR, RIGHT. RENTAL CAR, AND UM` I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, A TOYOTA GRANDMA, BUT IT WAS PRETTY FAST, COS I GOT A SPEEDING TICKET IN WAIOURU. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE TRAVELLING THROUGH NZ, YOU'RE TRAVELLING THROUGH SMALL TOWNS AND THE SIGN SAYS 50, YOU DON'T ACTUALLY START DOING 50 UNTIL YOU GET TO THE SIGN. RIGHT? BUT AS SOON AS YOU CAN SEE THE SIGN AT THE OTHER END OF THE TOWN THAT SAYS 100, WELL, FUCK IT, YOU START DOING 100, DON'T YA? WELL, I GOT A TICKET, BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT. RIGHT, BECAUSE I'D DRIVEN FROM WELLINGTON, I GOT OUT, STRETCHED MY LEGS; THE POLICE OFFICER HOPS OUT OF HIS CAR, YOU KNOW, HE GOES 'SO HOW'S IT GOING?' AND I WENT 'A LITTLE BIT QUICKLY, AS IT TURNS OUT.' LAUGHTER AND HE GOES, 'OH, SO YOU'RE A COMEDIAN?' LAUGHTER AND I'M THINKING, 'MAN, THOSE GCSB GUYS, THEY'RE ALL OVER US.' ONLY TOLD JOHN KEY WHAT I DID FOR A LIVING THREE HOURS AGO. LAUGHTER ALREADY, SOME ASSHOLE COP IN WAIOURU KNOWS! HOW'S YOUR GUY'S NIGHT BEEN? PRETTY GOOD? JUST CHECKING OUT MY BUTT, AREN'T YA? LAUGHTER YEAH, I KNOW ` IT'S A GOOD BUTT. I KNOW. I DO KNOW IT'S A GOOD BUTT, COS WHEN I WAS LEAVING HOME TO COME AND DO THIS SHOW, I HEARD MY FLATMATE GO, 'WHAT AN ASS.' LAUGHTER I HAVE BEEN EWEN GILMOUR. THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH! CHEERING, APPLAUSE I CALL MYSELF THE LUCKIEST LOSER I KNOW, BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE, I WAS A LOSER UNTIL I STARTED DOING COMEDY, AND NOW THINGS HAPPEN IN MY LIFE. WHEN I TELL PEOPLE HOW BAD MY LIFE HAS BEEN, THEY HAVE A REALLY GOOD LAUGH ABOUT IT.