# Love! Me! Sexy! # Come on, girl # Yeah, it's me, Jackie Moon # Go on, give me that look, that's right # Let's get sweaty # Let's get real sweaty # I'm talkin' rainforest sweaty # I'm talkin' swamp sweaty # Let's fill the bathtub full of sweat # Alright # Baby, who wants to love me sexy? # Uh # Baby, are you ready to lick me sexy? # Uh, uh # Baby, wake up. We're naked # And we're humpin' sexy # Come on, girl # Baby, who wants to love me sexy? # Uh # Baby, are you ready to lick me sexy? # Uh, uh # Take off your shoes. And suck me sexy # Baby, we're naked and we're humpin' sexy # Whoo! # I wanna do a little thing wit' you # I wanna do a little thing wit' you # When I say, "Love me," you say, "Sexy" # Love me... # Sexy... # Oh, yeah, Flint Tropics crowd! Get it goin'. It feels good, doesn't it? Some ladies up there wanna love me sexy. Jackie Moon soaking up a robust round of applause as he finishes up his once-popular song, Love Me Sexy! I'm Dick Pepperfield, joined by former Tropics forward Lou Redwood! I might suit up. Sometimes I still dream of glory, Dick. Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou. What's your problem? And now the starting line-up for your Flint Michigan... Tropics! At Ball Girl, measuring 34-23-34, she hopes to be an astronaut one day. I don't think she can do it. Put your hands together for Melindaaaaaaaa! Go, Tropics! From South Bend, Indiana, this guy has a heart of gold, his brother's a retard. He reads to him and paints him pretty pictures, Scootsie Double Day! "Scootsie Double Day taking the court now." "His brother is really retarded." "Ronnie. He has all three major kinds of retardation. This guy is single and disease-free, no VD at all, but you could be the lucky girl to give it to him. 6'5". Twiggy Munson! Of course he's disease-free. What chick wants to be with a guy that's hung like a twig? Well, that's not true. I've heard a lot of women say they prefer a small penis. Show me one gal who says that and I'll show you a liar. I'll introduce you to Mrs Pepperfield later tonight. Here we go. Your man in the middle, 7'2", from a weird country called Lithuania. He's ugly as shit. Vakidi-i-i-i-i-i-i-is! "This fella scares me." That kid from the Jackson Five scares ya. There's something creepy about that young man. Bobby Dee, where's Clarence? Nobody's heard from him. Bee Bee! You're startin'. From Peoria, Illinois, this guy, what can I say about him? He's got the hottest girl in the world. Cannons, people. Big ol' boobies. The luckiest man in Flint - Bee Bee Ellis! "It's true, Bee Bee's wife has got a tremendous set of boobs." To me, they're too large. Oh, they're perfect. I don't know. To me, she looks structurally unsound. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. At 6'5", a solid, meaty 215 pounds, your pre-game announcer, your owner, your coach, your pop singing sensation, but, most importantly, your power forward, yours truly, Jackie Moo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oon! (ALL CHEER) "Jackie Moon always gives himself a fantastic introduction." "Yeah, why not, Dick? It's his team, his money and his ball girls." "Oh, speaking of money, Lou, did you get paid this week?" "No." You lose weight, Father Pat? Alright, guys, huddle up. Vakidis! What is he doin'? Listen, I promised these fans a show tonight, alright? Twiggy, try to break that backboard. We'll get that on the news. Alright. It's show time, right? Let's get... (ALL) Tropical! (CHEERLEADERS) Go, Tropics! Right here, right here, right here! I don't like it. Back! Back! Clear! Yep, that feels good. That feels... Danny, what are ya doin'?! Nothin'. Eatin' nachos. You get 'em from the stand? Nah, from home. What?! Uh-uh. No, no, no, no, no. (BLOWS WHISTLE) What?! Travel! He brought nachos from home! Tryin' to run a business here! You gotta dribble to move. What? Basketball rules! Fine. I got season tickets. I can do whatever I want. Oh, yeah? Well, I can do this. And this. And that! (ALL CHEER) Let's go, Trops! We are well under way and the big question, Lou, where is Tropics leading scorer Clarence Malone? I agree. It's unprofessional, Dick. Please put out your cigarette. No, I like to smoke when I drink. Alright, fans, let's hear it for "Downtown Funky Stuff" Malo-o-o-o-o-o-o-one! Whoo! Whoo! Go, Clarence! (LAUGHS) That's my son. "Downtown wastes no time tagging out Bee Bee Ellis." "And Munson passes him the ball immediately. He's making mincemeat of his defender." Downtown! If you want it! Only if you want it! You don't want it, I can feel it. That's right, Nets. You're not gonna stop it. Let's do it! (PLAYERS SHOUT) "He tosses a three... And, yes!" Whoo! Wow! That was quite a shot. (ALL CHEER) "At half-time, it's the Nets 62, Flint Tropics 43." Alright, everybody, let's hear it for Busch Bavarian! If you're gonna drink a beer, you might as well make it Busch Bavarian! Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to welcome this man who's gonna attempt the impossible - the $10,000 free throw from the other side of the court. The Moon shot! (ALL CHEER) Alright. What's your name? Dukes. Alright, Dukes. Dukes, where ya from? Flint, Michigan, and I never missed a game! Whoo! (ALL CHEER) Dukes is home grown! I think you're on somethin' that's home grown maybe, huh? (CHUCKLES) We're havin' fun. Dukes, what do you do for a livin'? Erm,... nothin' right now. OK. Layin' low. Whoo! Dukes is excited! So am I. Come on, let's go, people. Let's get it goin'. Cheer this guy on as he prepares for the impossible! Well, we've got a dirty hippie tryin' to sink an impossible shot. This is human drama at its best. He's just focusing, taking a moment to concentrate. That's OK. Concentrate all you want. (CLAPPING) Come on, Dukes! Alright. Ugh! No! Yes! Holy shit, I'm a miracle! Whoo! (ALL CHEER) Yeah! He stepped on the line. No, it was legal. No, no, he stepped on the line. Come on. He made the shot. Who the hell has $10,000?! The beer company'll pay him. They're not really a sponsor, it just sounded professional. Whoo! He's so hopped up, he's got no idea what's going on. Holy crap! Tropical! Hey, congratulations to Dukes! He just won a giant cheque that says $10,000. Cool! Look at the size of that thing! Go have yourself a ball! Second half, comin' up next! (ALL CHEER) Dammit! (MUSIC BLARES FROM CAR RADIO) # Hi # Hello # Get the funk outta my face # Get... the... funk outta my face # Get the funk outta my face # Get... the... funk outta my face # You don't like my music # You don't have to use it # Funking is a thing that all of us release # You don't have to get it # All you do is let it # Then you'll know exactly how to groove... # Whoo! # "Lady Marmalade" - LaBelle Hey, Jackie. Hey, guys. Everything good? Keep the drinks flowin'. You got it. Whoo! (RECORD SCRATCHES) # "Love Me Sexy" - Will Ferrell (as Jackie Moon) You're a sexy town, Flint. Look at you, I love it. Whoo! If this Plexiglas wasn't dividing us right now, I'd make sweet, tender, slow, hot love to each one of you, that's a guarantee. (ALL CHEER) That's the word on the street and the shit is messed up. It's a shame. I can't go back to working at that car wash. No. I know there's some team out there that can use the services of Downtown Funky-Stuff Malone. I dig you, but I heard the problem ain't just here in Flint. It's the whole league that's goin' under. Hey, what's shakin'? The whole league goin' down, that's what. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. I don't know who you're talkin' to but business is boomin'. Jackie, come on, man, it's us. You ain't got to jive us. I'm not. I've never jived you. You're jivin' us now by sayin' you don't be jivin' us. Yeah, well, this time I'm tellin' the truth. Right. If I give you the lowdown on somethin', can you keep a secret? Course. Tomorrow mornin', I'm drivin' to Indianapolis for a league meeting. (EXHALES) We're possibly talking... merger. A merger? Flint Tropics in the NBA. The NBA?! I take care of you guys. You can just think of me as Bambi's mother. I make sure nothing bad will happen to you. This is a big night. Hey, drinks on me. Big night. Whoo! Bambi's mother got shot, right? Yeah, first scene. I remember that the credits were still rolling and everything. (SIGHS) Merger. Merger. M-M-M-Merger. Jackie Moon. Jackie Moon. America. Let's go. Let's do this. Don't worry, Mom, I won't let you down. I'll keep this team alive. (TAKES DEEP BREATH) And our TV stations are complaining about all the fighting. Try to keep the fights in the tunnel or out in the parking lot. Er, we have one more piece of business to go over. I'm sure you've all heard the rumours, and they are true, the ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. Yes! Yes! (SOBS) I did it. I'm a real owner! Jackie, let go. I did it! Alright, let's... not get too excited. Yes! Give me ten, Norton! Everyone can eat shit! A big bag of shit! (LAUGHS) I'm the greatest man in the world! Whoo! The NBA has agreed to our financial demands but there - You were right, Mom. Destiny! I'm so happy I can't even feel my arms! (LAUGHS) OK, Jackie, listen to me. Hey, Jackie. Yes? Four teams will be absorbed into the NBA next year. The rest of the league will terminate operations. Exactly! Wait. Wait, what did you say? The Nets, the Spurs, the Pacers and the Nuggets are gonna play in the NBA. The rest of us are gonna dissolve. Dissolve? What's "dissolve"? Is that even a word? Yes, it is a word and financially it means you'll cease to exist. Let's don't get emotional about it, just - No! No! OK. Alright, you're being... Jackie, don't bite yourself. Come on. Jackie, we agreed to a very large sum. I don't want a large sum, OK? I want my team. You're not gonna just sit there and take the money, are you? Huh? What do the Nets have that I don't have?! A huge fanbase. A brand-new stadium. Solid economic growth package with great tax incentives. No! Come on, Alan, that's bullshit! The NBA's gonna take four teams, Jackie. This is a good deal. The best four teams should go. He's right. The season isn't over yet. Yeah, everybody should have a chance. That's the fairest way. Aw, gee-whiz, that sounds like so much fun, fair and all, but come on, guys, I mean, look at what we're dealing with here. This guy plays power forward for his own team. He has a point. Why not make the terms of a merger performance-based? Exactly. What he just said. I move we vote on the terms of the merger. And what that guy said. What both those guys said. Goddammit, Bob, I'm about to tear you a new asshole! Don't be a jackass! Outside right now! We're gonna vote! We're not gonna fight, we're gonna vote! Let's vote! Let's vote and then we'll fight! # Cos you know just what to say, # I sometimes see you pass outside my door. TEXT MESSAGE DINGS # Hello? TEXT MESSAGE CHIMES # ...you're looking for? # I can see it in your eyes, # I can see it in your smile. TEXT MESSAGE DINGS # You're all I've ever wanted, # and my arms are open wide. TEXT MESSAGE CHIMES # Cos you know just what to say, # and you know just what to do. # And I want to tell you so much # I love you. # 1 Come on, guys, you should be juiced right now! This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! Man, get outta town. Ain't no way we gonna make it to fourth place. Nope. We have a shit record. We just need to start hittin' our threes. That's not the problem, Jackie. The problem is we suck. Scootsie, you did not deserve that. I know. I apologise. Stop that shit, man! We do not suck, OK? I've been doin' a lot of thinkin'. I've decided to add someone to our team to add some real fire power. I think this guy could give us a new spark. Now, don't get mad. At point guard,... At point guard? ..5'10", I traded away our washing machine to get him. He punches in bunches. Ed Moni-i-i-i-i-i-i-ix! (BLOWS NOSE) Toilet's clogged. Hell, no! You traded for Monix?! Yeah. This guy's an old warrior, come on. Yeah, he old. He can shoot the basketball. Most importantly, he actually agreed to come here. So? It's a thrill to be in Flint. Er,... smells Tropical in here. Look, I know just about everyone in this locker room has been punched in the face by this guy at some point. And maybe even one of us has had his collarbone broken... twice. Sorry, Twig. Thanks, Ed. How are your mom and sister? It's been about 12 weeks since I porked 'em. Let's not talk about porking of the moms and the sisters because we only have one rule on this team. What is that rule, Twiggy? E-L-E. That's right, E-L-E. And what does E-L-E stand for? Everybody Love Everybody. Everybody Love Everybody. Right there up on the wall. Got that, Monix? Nope. Great. Cos this isn't just a basketball team, this is a lifestyle. Welcome aboard. Thank you. Alright. Oh! If you see a possum, try to kill it, OK? It's not a pet. Welcome back to Tropics Weekly. The ABA has announced that the top four teams will merge with the NBA after this season. Seizing the opportunity, owner-player-coach Jackie Moon has already made the first move, acquiring Ed Monix from the Kentucky Colonels. Yeah! "When I heard Kentucky needed a washing machine, I looked at ours, even though we need ours, I said, 'I gotta pull the trigger on this.'" Hey, honey! Guess who got traded to Flint?! Who?! Monix! Why the hell would he wanna come to Flint?! I have no idea. Who cares, right? I mean, he's got an NBA ring and he's playing for the Tropics. Can you believe that? No, I can't. (KNOCK AT DOOR) I'll get it. "It's like, if you watch a porn movie, doesn't mean you got laid." "It often means the opposite." Hey. Hey. You look great. Why are you here? Er, got traded. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, why are you here? Can we talk? Monix! (LAUGHS) Hey. What's up? That jump shot of yours ain't broke, is it? Not yet. Oh, hey, great backdoor cut for the lay-up against the Amigos, man. Yeah. That's the way basketball should be played! Up there. Too slow! (LAUGHS) Hey, can you give us a second, please? Yeah, no problem. Thanks, Kyle. You're his favourite player. I'd feel more comfortable if he hated me. Listen, I hope you didn't agree to this trade because of me. What if I did? Then, you'd be stuck in Flint, Michigan, for no reason. You wanted to leave at the top. When are you gonna quit? I'm at the top. I'm very close to the top. (SIGHS) I just got traded for a fuckin' washin' machine. What am I talkin' about? Good night, Ed. Thanks for the pep talk. Ed Monix is a tenacious defender and he can hit the big shots. When he's not drunk. So never. Nothing in the rule book that says you can't play drunk. No, there is. Remember those 30 rebounds against San Diego? Yeah. I don't remember 'em. Oh, no! Amaretto stone sours. All game long. No way. Doesn't leave the table. You ain't gotta worry cos tomorrow when I get this cast taken off, I'll be back on the team and I will be rainin' down some threes! Cornelius, that arm hasn't properly healed and I've told you 100 times, you're never gonna play for the Tropics. You're a terrible athlete. Come on, man! I'm an excellent athlete! I broke this arm playin' for you. No, you broke it playing WITH me in the driveway. You can't even make a lay-up. I'm injured. I should be on the bench. No, you're not on the team. In my fantasy life I am. Well, let's just keep it that way, right? Oh, my God. What the fuck is that? It's incredible. Fondue. Fon-what? Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted. Gorgonzola, muenster and cottage. It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently. I'm not surprised by that. The Swedes are so inventive. They are. They are my favourite producers of pornography. They make an excellent fuck picture. (ALL LAUGH) I'll excuse myself from this conversation. To the men's room. Oh, stop it! To make your wiener sing. Boner machine! (ALL LAUGH) I am not a boner machine! Swedish porn saved my life in 'Nam. Here we go. Fuck you guys. It kept my mind off Charlie when I was in the shit. Is the shit in Ann Arbor? Cos that's where you were during the war. He believes it. You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey. (SILENCE) You call me a jive turkey? No. No, he did not. He, er... He called you a cocksucker. Right, Cornelius? Yeah, a cocksucker. I'm pretty sure that you called me a jive turkey. No, no. Now, Lou, nobody called anyone a JT. Jive turkey is a little over the line! Look, we're all here. We all heard what was said and we're in agreement. Cornelius said cocksucker. He said you suck cock. That's all he said about you. Come on, dig into that fondue, you little cocksucker. (ALL LAUGH) We like playing games, don't we? We do. (ALL CHATTER) I'm gonna show you this game I learned in fucking 'Nam! (ALL SHOUT) Who's the jive turkey now? (LAUGHS) Gun's not loaded! (ALL LAUGH) You sonofabitch! It's not loaded! It's not loaded! You should've seen your goddamn face! (ALL LAUGH) There's no bullets in there! I never load it! The gun was not loaded. (ALL LAUGH) I'll see you fuckers in hell. (GUN CLICKS) (ALL LAUGH) Jackie, Love Me Sexy is the worst song I've ever heard. (ALL LAUGH) Watch this. I did call you jive turkey. He did! (ALL LAUGH) I got one. Hey, Lou, I know you slept with Mrs Pepperfield. Rarh! (ALL LAUGH) We're saying nutty things cos they're not true. Especially that. More than the rest. It never happened. Hey. Bond. James Bond. How do you like your martini, sir? Stirred, in a half-carafe. (ALL LAUGH) (GUN CLICKS) He shoots himself. He shoots himself in the wiener. (SILENCE) Everybody OK? I think so. Yeah. I'm fine. Whoa. Wow! (LAUGHTER) We just literally dodged a bullet. (ALL LAUGH) We sure did. Except for Cornelius. (ALL) Oh! (CHUCKLES) I did get shot. (ALL LAUGH) Wow! 1 # "Mr Big Stuff" - Jean Knight Vakidis, open the window, will ya? Yes, right on. Did you give Bobby Dee a hand job? Yes, right on. Hey, Monix, what were the Celtics like? Well, they were fast. Fast? Clarence should play for the Celtics, then. That's all he ever talk about. "I'm goin' to the NBA." Every day he say that. No, I don't. Say, Monix, why don't you let us see that championship ring? Don't think nobody here ever seen a championship ring before. Alright. Yes. Oh! Holy balls. Look at this right here. "Champion" in sparkling gold. Man, if I had a ring like that, I'd have it on my finger every day so the honeys could see it. I'm not quite as flashy as you. I like wearing it around my neck, that's all. That's cool, man. He should be embarrassed. Embarrassed? He sat through every play-off game. Then he gonna walk around us with all the shine like he some kind of hero or somethin'. Oh, come on. You're just actin' jealous. Whatever. I ain't never rode the bench and then go call myself a champion. Somebody need to snatch that ring off his sorry neck. You wanna snatch it? Be my guest. I don't think your knees can take it. Hey! Hey, I got a ring up here, too. Mine says "love". Think about that. Everybody love everybody! Come on! 11 more hours to go! (CHEERING) This way. Let's go, Tropics. Keep it alive. Right here! OK, you got it. No, changed my mind. Right back. OK. Right back to you. OK. Give it back again. You got it. No, right back. Sure? Yeah. Right back. Come on. No. Right back. Throw it to Papa. No, right back out. Here you go, Jackie. Back to you. Right back, though. Shoot! You ready? No, right back. No? Yeah. OK, clear. My turn. Yeah, I'll bet he won't make this. "Jackie Moon finally making a move and it is worth the wait!" All day long! Whoo! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Travelling! No, no, no, no! One and a half steps! You walked. Suck my cock! I'll murder your family! (BLOWS WHISTLE) You're gone, Jackie Moon! What?! Jackie Moon is ejected. What did I say?! "S my C!" (ALL CHEER) And one lucky fan will go home with a game ball. That's your head next time. You're a big baby! They're really going at it. I didn't say anything! You S my C. I barely raised my voice! I should call your mother! You need a phone to heaven to do that! Maybe your ma didn't go to heaven! Oh, dear. Oh, my. Oh, no. OK. Everyone off the floor. Tropics, let's go. No, Jackie. It appears a line has been crossed by Father Pat of all people. I'm sorry. Stop the broadcast. Jackie Moon is pulling his team off the court. You forfeit this game if you keep walkin'. That's fine. You threatened to kill my family! What's wrong with you? Don't get on your high horse, Redwood. Thank you, Dick, for staying. That will do it from St Louis, where the score is inconclusive. Good night. Dick. That's it. We go to church together. Not any more. (ALL) Hey, Flint Tropics, welcome back! Give the Amigos a heart attack! I tried, Jackie. They won't take it. I don't know what your bank is telling you. This is a real cheque. I signed it myself. It's written in glitter, man. Can't you just, you know, write me a regular-size cheque? Maybe you should try a different bank. A big bank. Bigger bank? That has a big cheque department. OK. Right? Yeah. Alright. Scootsie, he is takin' you to town! Get him, Twig. Come on. There we go. Alright, guys. Hey, listen up. Let's go. Eyes up. Turn that contraption off. Come on. Look, er, I just got off the phone with the commissioner. He convinced the board to pass another merger rule. We gotta average 2,000 fans per home game for the rest of the season. Two thou?! Commissioner says they're not gonna take a franchise that doesn't have fans. He's being a real dick. Good Lord, Jackie. Winning these games is gonna be hard but 2,000 fans? Impossible, man. It's OK, Scootsie, cos I got a plan. Alright? Now, you all know we're the ABA game of the week, right? Could be a lot of TV cameras out there, so we just gotta be tiptop. So, what's the plan? I brought a secret weapon. It's gonna make us look extra cool on TV. What the hell is that? It's eyeliner, dummy! Oh... Now, who's first? Monix? Oh, yeah. Just let me get a fresh maxi pad out of my purse(!) Jackie Moon has brought a trick from Broadway to the court tonight. Trap, trap, trap, trap, trap. Point of no return. Go back. Go back. Nowhere to go. Look at my eyes. You scared? Tropical storm. Eye of the hurricane. I'm gonna hypnotise you. I'm not gonna blink. Where you goin'? "Jackie tips the ball away. Twiggy picks it up and takes it in. Two points, Tropics!" Way to go, Twiggy! Make sure the camera gets your eyes! "This team is on fire." "They're flamin', alright." Nice lay-up. Nice lay-up, Twiggy. Who's got character now? My confidence is sky-high right now. (GROANS) (THUDDING) What the hell's wrong with Vakidis? Oh, shit! Your eyeliner's running. Yeah, yours is kinda smoky, too. Alright, everyone, try not to sweat if you can. This shit's burnin'. Yeah, it is. I'm goin' to the bench. What's happening? "The Tropics seem to be disabled in some way." Do they test this on animals or is that just a lie?! Feels like I got cat piss in my eyes! Open your eyes with your fingers, it's really nice. That hurts! Fuckin' idiots. Hey, Monix, where's your make-up, huh, buddy? How come it says Monix on your jersey when your name's Pussy? I - Fuck you, Petrelli! Hey, Monix! (ALL SHOUT) We're on TV! I don't give a shit! The commissioner's watching. You wanna kill the merger? Come on. "A little disagreement, nothing big." "No, these girls aren't gonna fight." "A little delay in play." What about during commercial? Yeah, I like it. Yeah, it's good. Father Pat, time-out. (BLOWS WHISTLE) Time-out! It's a time-out, with 9 minutes and 16 seconds left in the first. "The Tropics two, the Amigos six. We'll be right back." And clear. Somebody hit somebody! (ALL SHOUT) Oh, here we go! This is a good old-fashioned bare-fisted brawl. My goodness! "Look at the Russian bear go. Throwing people around like rag dolls." # "Why Can't We Be Friends" - WAR Look at Monix. I wish the people at home could see this. "New Red Apple Soda with a great taste and tingle." (SCREAMS) Honestly, Dick, I could watch this all day. Look at Father Pat! "Father Pat is getting the worst of a lot of this." Stop! And we're back in three, two, one. (SHOUTING FADES) "Welcome back to your ABA game of the week. I'll tell you, the camaraderie of this league is on full display here." Yeah, yeah, you got that right, Dick. Lou! They won't come back in here no more! Whoo-hoo! Then I just kicked him! Still got it. That is how you play basketball. Right. You hear those fans? They loved it! Monix, you got Petrelli's ass! I was grabbin' balls. I think I grabbed some of your balls. Damn! That was you on my nuts? Yeah. You got the softest hands in the world. This is what we do. Tae-kwon-do sessions every practice. In fact... (CLATTERING) Does anybody here wanna talk about the fuckin' game?! God, this guy's a bummer. Did anyone look at the scoreboard?! How about we run some plays in the second half? Look, Monix, I'm not an Xs and Os guy, right? I'm not a tactician, I'm a motivator in the classic sense of the word. You know, Lombardi, Charles Lindbergh, that nun over in India, like those people. I get people to do great things! And we just had an incredible, team-unifying moment by punching other guys in the face. And it felt good and now we're gonna continue that on the court in the second half with baskets, though. We need a game plan, Jackie. He should know. He done seen the game from every angle, sittin' on the bench. The Celtics weren't just all-stars, they were a team. A team! As opposed to a bunch of selfish assholes tryin' to look cool! Call us what you want to but we ain't never sat around and pretended like we champions. You got a little ring and all but you personally,... you ain't won shit! Clarence, I want you to have this ring as a token of what you will never achieve! Champion or not, at least I played the game. And I got news for you, Clarence, for all your flash, you are never gonna play in the NBA. You are pissing your career away and one day you're gonna look back on your life and realise that you never even learned how to play basketball. (DOOR BANGS OPEN) Oh, jeez! What the hell...?! (SIREN WAILS) Shit. Get your hands in the air. Monix, bail's been set. (SIGHS) Lynn, can I ask a favour? You mean besides bailing you outta jail? Lynn, no-one can drain it like you. I think I drained all I can out of there. That hurt? (GROANS) Not really. How about that? Agh! Yeah. Good. Listen, er,... this is long overdue but I wanna apologise. For what? For, er,... you know, back then we had some... problems. Oh, did you wanna apologise for cheating on me? Twice. Hey, I cheated on you once, there just happened to be two girls there. (CHUCKLES) Still not funny? Still not funny. And where's the necklace I made you? It was the high point of your career. I didn't deserve that ring, I hardly played. I was never the guy to hit the big shot. Wanna know why things didn't work out between us? Yeah. You hate yourself so much it's impossible to love you. Well,... kinda brutally honest. Did we have some fun? You're kind of fun. Didn't we? Sometimes. What are you doing? There he is. Whoo-hoo! Been lookin' all over for you. Like it. Sweaty. See ya later, Ed. Excuse me, guys. Excused. Doin' your girl in the locker room, huh? Classy! What are you guys doin' here? We want you to coach the team. What? You know the game better than Jackie. I'm flattered but I don't think Jackie would be too happy. Come on, don't worry about Jackie. I mean, I got this. 1 OK, Tropics, hustle up. Five, six, seven, eight. One and two and three and four, and turn like you mean it. Arch that back, Bee Bee. I like it. Whoo! Good rotation. Beautiful, seahorses. Leg kick, Scootsie. Nice! And... freeze it. And then we start the game. Now, when I say, "Freeze it," you guys gotta freeze it, OK? Hey! Hey. You're back. Alright. We got a extra costume right over there for you. I'm not here to do... whatever this is. What is this? What is this? Come on, man, this is the future of basketball, OK? This is entertainment. You'll get it. You'll catch on. Er... Look, Jackie, now, don't get mad but some of us got together and we asked Monix if he'd teach us. Wait, what do you mean, "teach us"? I teach you guys things, like expert choreography and stuff. No. We wanna give Monix a chance to coach,... coach. What's goin' on here? What is this? Clarence? This is a mutiny. You guys all in on this? (SIGHS) You motherfuckin' cocksuckers. All of you. I have dedicated my life to this team, OK?! I have given you guys my soul! I mean, who bought you those boots last Halloween?! Er, you, coach. You bought us those boots. I bought 'em! I liked them boots. They were nice. They're really nice boots. Yeah, we love ya but Monix just knows the Xs and Os, that's all. (SIGHS) Oh, come on, come on, don't turn your back on us! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen. How about this? I'll be the offensive and defensive coordinator and you... can still be head coach. And you're the best promoter. We gonna need fans, right? Do you guys really think I'm a good promoter? (ALL) Yeah. You know you are, man. I'm probably the best in the league. That's what they say. Top three. Right up there. Yeah. OK. If we play unselfish, fundamental basketball, we can make a run at this. By unselfish, I mean we sprint up the court on every fast break, not because we might get a dunk and get your dick sucked after the game, but because sprinting might pull the defence out of position - What's goin' on with the blow jobs? I vote we keep them blow jobs. Yeah. All in favour? Let the man talk! Thank you, Clarence. Now, till we start playing like a real team,... ..we're gonna practise... without the ball. (HISSING) That's a waste. OK, let's run the offence! Without a ball? Yeah, without the ball, Clarence. Everybody get in position. Patch that ball up, Scootsie. Come on! Hustle! Clarence, flash through the lane. Hustle, Clarence! Come on. Ball, ball, ball! We been runnin' the same play all day. Can we maybe try play number two? No! I want you to be braindead cos someday you're gonna be too tired or too nervous to think and when you are, this is the play that I'm gonna call! We need to be able to run this play in our sleep! I'm a rover. I'm just gonna go rover. No, run the play, Jackie Moon! I'm creatin' a diversion, though. Don't lose your mind, Jackie Moon! We are runnin' this until we puke. Well, basically, we have. I'm beat. "Until we puke" is not a figure of speech. We are literally going to puke. What does he mean by "literally"? (ALL VOMIT) I wish you were still a washing machine! Get up and run! You're gonna puke like everybody else! I can't puke, Monix! I've never puked in my life, ever! You're lying to me. I've been sick before, I've just never puked. I swear. What about when you were a baby? Babies throw up all the time. My mom said I never did it. I swear. (PANTS) She said I was fascinating. In fact, the local PBS wanted to do a documentary on me. Have you ever been punched in the jejunum? No, what's a jejunum? It's part of the small intestine. I don't think so. I mean, I've been punched in the armpit before and in the wrist twice. Coccyx... and in the back of the knee. Both eyes and I've been punched right in my tracheal... Oof! (GASPS) (STOMACH RUMBLES) (GASPS) (GASPS) Oh...! Let that out. (GROANS) Go ahead, Jackie. Just let it go. Hey, hey, hey. (GASPS) Get ahold of yourself, Jackie! Let go! Hold it in, Jackie! Hold it in! Get off me, goddammit! Jackie! Bleurrrrrrrrgh! (SCREAMS) "We are seeing a very different Tropics basketball team than we're used to." "Playing with a lot of energy." They're movin' the ball well. It looks like they're gonna win. "Jangel has the ball now. Oh, a loose ball on the court and Clarence dives for it?!" Time-out! "That's something we have not seen before." Good playin' out there. Way to go, man. Yeah. (ALL CHEER) "The crowd is excited." They know what's at stake. Yup, gettin' their team into the NBA. No, I'm talkin' about free corn dogs. Right, free-corn-dog night. Fellas, we're 30 seconds away from takin' this thing. Yeah, he's right. Er, let's try to win but not win by too much. Wait, we don't wanna win by too much? Uh-uh. What the hell are you talkin' about? Corn dogs. What? If we score 125 points, we gotta give everybody a free corn dog. We don't even got corn dogs. I don't care, we're takin' it to 'em. Hey, we're up by seven. Can't we just take it easy? We're talkin' a lotta corn dogs! I don't give a shit about the corn dogs! We play hard! We run the offence. Got that? Right on. (ALL) Yeah. You got that, Jackie? Uh-huh! OK, bring us together, man. One, two, three. (ALL) Let's get Tropical! (CHEERING) "OK, it looks like we are going to return to the game. Monix has the ball." Monix, throw it to me. I can get it to Clarence. Jackie, move! Ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball, ball! Ball! "Monix inbounds to Clarence." OK. Clarence, take your time. Come on, Nets, play some defence! You wanna go for the double team? Might be a good time. I won't do anything if I get the ball. He'll go with his right. What are you doin'?! "Clarence drives. Dishes off to Scootsie." But Jackie Moon blocks his own team-mate's shot! "A loose ball on the court, Vakidis gets it." No! Ugh! (ROARS) (BLOWS WHISTLE) (ALL CHEER) Goddammit, Vakidis! Learn fuckin' English! Corn dogs, Jackie! Corn dogs for all these people! "The Tropics win and this crowd is going crazy!" "Crazy for corn dogs!" "And Jackie Moon gives us a victory lap... right out the door!" Now, Scootsie, rotate up top. Vakidis, flash to the high post. No, to the high post, Vakidis. Help him. Good. At guard, formerly known as Clarence Withers and "Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone and Sugar Dunkerton. He's tryin' out his new name tonight. Put your hands together for Coffee Black! (ALL CHEER) Coffee Black! # "Dance To The Music" - Sly & The Family Stone Now let's do it again. Jab. Swing. Back. Good. That's it! Yow! (ALL CHEER) # Dance to the music # Dance to the music # Dance to the music... Here they come, the Flint Tropics Ball Girls cheerleading squad. They've just got such big... What? Hearts. Yes. Big, bouncy, jiggly hearts. Hearts don't bounce, so now I think you're talking about something else, Lou. "Downtown brings the ball up forward and passes to Monix. Behind his back to Double Day!" "Scootsie goes for the three-pointer and it is good!" Are you actually havin' fun out here, Monix? Hey, don't tell anybody. # Dance to the music # Dance to the music # Yeah, yeah, yeah # Dance to the music! # (ALL CHEER) Well, if it isn't the toast of Flint, Michigan. Shouldn't you be out signin' autographs somewhere or somethin'? Will you marry me? Shut up! I'm crazy about you, you know that. Do I? You came to one of our games. Don't think I didn't see you. So? So let's do this, Lynn, you and me! You know, er, like... back in the day. I mean, not then because I was an asshole. Better, right? For real this time. I need you. Yo, Monix! What's up, man?! Hey, check out the jersey! (CHUCKLES) I'm you! Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Kyle? Yeah. Can you do me a big favour? Can you go get me a tube of Bengay? Are you kidding me? I'd be honoured, man. I'll leave right now. What are you doing? Hey, Kyle? Yeah! Don't... (THUDDING) Kyle. Don't go to the pharmacy. I need one of those big tubes like you get at Luger's out on Route 59. I'm already gone! Hey, Lynn! Forgot my stupid wallet. (GIGGLING) Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! "(SEXY, SOULFUL MUSIC)" Yes. Uh! Uh! Uh! (PANTS) Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! (UNZIPPING) (BOTH GROAN) Kyle! Oh! (RECORD SCRATCHES) Fuck! (LAUGHS) Monix, you old dog. What are you doing? Nothing, man, just sitting here watching... ..and stuff. I'm outta here. Come on, man, don't be like that. It's all cool. No, man! No, believe me, it's not cool! I'll call you. OK. He was talkin' to me. 1 "Yes, Jackie Moon has outdone himself with this promotion "as he prepares to jump over 47 feet of Ball Girls!" (ALL CHEER) "The fact that Jackie's never been on roller skates before has done nothing to diminish his confidence." Alright, folks, here comes Jackie! "Here he comes down the ramp. And he is airborne!" Shit! Oh, no! (SILENCE) "Jackie's up!" (ALL CHEER) Great job! "And everyone survives!" That was exciting! Oh, that's an adrenaline rush! Next time I'm gonna jump even more girls. Phew! What? The commissioner just called again. Commish? He's drivin' up here on Monday. He's comin' to Flint?! Yes, he's comin' to Flint. Shit! Crap! You alright? Yeah. (SIGHS) You know, Jackie, we need 2,000 fans in those stands. We can't fake it this time. We gotta do somethin'. It's no problem. I'll take care of it. Yeah? We've tried everything. I said I'll handle it, OK?! I'll think of somethin'! Alright. Back in 30 seconds. How's your wife doin'? She's doing super. She's gorgeous. Oh, thank you, I think. Hands off! (BOTH LAUGH) I'll try. No guarantees. Really? I'd like a guarantee. (BOTH LAUGH) Are we back, Chuck? We're back. OK. Welcome back to Tropics Weekly. I'm joined by Jackie Moon. It is an honour when you can drop by. Always enjoy our time together, Dick Pepper. Pepperfield. Now, Jackie, amazingly, you're two wins away from getting your team to the NBA. How do you intend to match up to the Squires' strong inside game? Great question. Tomorrow, after the game, I, Jackie Moon, will wrestle a bear. Oh. Well, that's something, but, er, defensively, as a team - That's tomorrow night, watch Dewie the Wrestling Bear attack me... And he's killed people in public before. That is some entertainment and you are known for - You don't want to miss this, folks. And if you're a small child, creep into your mama's bedroom and you lift about 40 bucks outta your mom's purse and walk down to Flint Fairgrounds Coliseum, 8pm! There ya have it. Jackie Moon, thanks for joining us. Dewie's insane! He could rip my head off! I'm Dick Pepperfield, reminding you there will be another night. Good night, Flint. Jackie, are you really gonna wrestle a bear?! Dick, you're the best. And we're clear. Let's go get some pussy. Gosh, I don't know. Really? Yeah. You know, I shouldn't. But you want to. (LAUGHS) I cannot say no to you! We are gonna get some pussy. It's gonna be fun. (BELL RINGS) (I'm scared, Clarence.) (BEAR GRUNTS) It's a baby bear. It's trained and everything. I don't care. I'm terrified of those things. (I'm freakin' out!) Come on, get it together. Oh, I'm startin' to feel really dizzy. Wanna call it off? No! No. OK. I gotta give these people a show. Are you guys ready? Uh-huh. Give me your safe word. I don't need a safe word. OK, I'll tell you what, if you feel like you're in danger, just say, erm,... spumoni. No, I don't need spumoni, OK? Let's get this show on the road. Bobby Dee. (RINGS BELL) (ALL CHEER) Go ahead, man. (MAN) What are you afraid of?! Hey. We're both wearing red. Sorry, I'm not ignoring you, I'm just... ..trying to deal with him right now. Oh. How long you been working with the bear? Just like a day or so. What?! But I've been working with cats for, like, 12 years, so I'm very familiar with animals. Great. Hey, Dewie. (BEAR ROARS) Fuck that shit! (ALL CHEER) I'm outta here. Spumoni. No, you can't quit now. We just started. (ALL BOO) We gotta give these people a show. You're right. Test him out. I'm just gonna be right over here. Come on, Dewie. You're just nothin' but a dumb bear. Smack, smack. Yep. Whoo! (ALL CHEER) Crazy fists. I'm comin' with crazy fists. Wah! Oh! Yeah. This is fine, he's not doing anything. (BEAR GRUNTS) Flint, can you dig it?! Jackie Moon... (BEAR ROARS) Shit! Oh! (SCREAMS) (GASPS) Dewie! (SCREAMS) Spumoni! One round! No spumoni! Fuck you, Clarence! Spumoni! Dewie, no! (WHIP CRACKS) Oof! Bobby Dee, help! Shit! (WHISTLES) Watch my hair! Watch my hair! The only thing I care about is my hair! Watch it! (SCREAMS) Dewie! Watch my hair! Spumoni! Spumoni! How many times do I gotta say spumoni?! (RINGS BELL) Somebody's gotta do something! I wouldn't go in there if I were you! I'm comin', Jackie! I'm comin', Jackie! (BEAR ROARS) (SCREAMS) (ALL SCREAM) Turn on the lights! Turn on the lights! Good. (Ssshhh. Nobody move.) (Nobody move.) (Where are you, precious?) (Dewie?) (Everyone just remain seated.) (I think he left. Dewie?) (BEAR ROARS) (PANICKED SCREAMING) Everybody panic! Oh, my God, there's a bear loose in the Coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas, Dewie loves sugar! Hey, Jackie. Hey, Commish. What do ya think? Packed house, right? I need to speak with you and the rest of the team, Jackie. OK. Locker room? Alright. This whole merger thing has been really complicated. It's taken a lot of my time out of my life, away from my family. Look,... even if you beat the Spurs on Saturday,... (SIGHS) ..the Tropics won't be going to the NBA next year. (ALL SIGH) What the hell are you talkin' about? The expansion committee had an emergency meeting in Manhattan and they decided that... Flint isn't a big enough media market. Tough shit! We made it this far. And rules is rules. Guys, it's over. There's nothing I can do. Jackie, I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong. I never thought you'd pull it off... but you did. Good luck. Right. Jackie, this is the type of deal you can work around, ain't it? You Jackie Moon. You can just make a phone call, right? Sorry, guys. I let you down. (SIGHS) I'm nothin' but a big phoney. Mm-mm. Man, don't talk like that. You ain't no phoney. Yes, I am. You know my song, Love Me Sexy? Of course, yeah. Everybody loves that song. It was number one. I stole it. (ALL) No. - It's true. My mom wrote it on a napkin three weeks before she died and I stole it. That song bought me this franchise and everything I have in the world but... it's all fake. You can write another song. I know it's in your bones. Right? I can't write a song as brilliant as Love Me Sexy! You're right. I just wish I could puke this all away. Monix, can you punch me in the jejunum? Monix? You're retired, so these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. You work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: # "Que Sera Sera - Sly & The Family Stone "In a new merger policy shift, it seems the Tropics will not be playing for an NBA berth after all." "Saturday's match against the Spurs will be the Tropics' final basketball game." "And in an act of great sacrifice, "Jackie Moon has helped Coffee Black realise his NBA dreams by trading him to the Spurs."' You made it, Clarence! You made it! (LAUGHS) Yes! (BEAR ROARS) (SCREAMS) I'm Dick Pepperfield reminding you there will be another... No,... actually, we're down to our last night. Ah, shit. What's up, chief? Hey. What are you doin' here? If you ain't heard, I got traded. Oh, yeah. Coffee Black headin' to the NBA. Big time. I just wanted to let you know, man, this year, you coaching us, the way you did it, you really made us feel... No, no, no. Don't. OK. Let me ask you somethin', Monix. Yup. You already played for the NBA. Your knee is gone. You couldn't give a damn about the merger, you were gonna retire anyway. What's the question? What you playin' for? I just wanna sit here and have a beer in peace. Yeah? (SIGHS) Alright. I just thought you'd wanna hear that. Have a good one. # Baby, are you ready to lick me sexy? # Uh... Jackie, where you at? # I'm a big faker and I stole this song-ly sexy # Uh # I wanna kill myself-y sexy # Uh # I'm gonna get an extension cord and hang myself sexy # Uh... # Oh, buddy. What are you doin'? Right now, I'm urinating on myself. (SOBS) Listen, Jackie,... I never thanked you. For what? For helpin' me find basketball again. (GROANS) Don't eat that! What is that? Pancake. Has that been there? It's been here a while. Listen, Jackie,... I think you should call a team meeting. Why? Cos you're still the leader of the Tropics. Can you do that? OK. Ah, you're a good man. Should we, er...? I hate to see this go to waste. This little bit. It won't go to waste. Save that for the next guy. (GROANS) If I could have everyone's attention, please. Er... Well, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for all your hard work as part of the Flint Tropics. My team-mates, it was an honour to be on the court with you. You guys are the best. Even you, Vakidis. Goddamn dumb sonofabitch. You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you? (SIGHS) To the Tropic Ball Girls. I always thought I was gonna sleep with a couple of you but, huh, that,... that didn't happen. That'll teach me to procrastinate. Bobby Dee, you're like the son I never had. The son who's exactly the same age as me. Well, you're like a half-son, half-friend. Friend. A son-friend. No, don't talk, you'll just make it worse. I don't wanna cry and wet my pants. (SIGHS) I'm not makin' a whole lotta sense right now. Erm... (RETCHES) Jackie? Yeah? Can I say a couple of words? Please. Thanks. So we all know that Clarence got traded and we all know this game doesn't really matter any more, right? But I've been thinking... We made it our mission to win fourth place. You know, fourth place is still out there waiting for us to take it. And we're this close. Now, I tried to pretend that it didn't matter if we won fourth or not but the truth is,... ..I never wanted anything more in my whole fucked-up life. This game does matter. It matters because this is the last real game of basketball any of us is ever gonna play. Ever. Saturday night, I say we leave it all out there on the floor because there is nothing else for us to save it for. Clarence or no Clarence, NBA or no NBA,... ..this is for us. Yeah. Let's do this. Jackie Moon, I believe you have one more game to promote. That's right. Damn right. Gentlemen? Let's bring it in. Ladies? Come on. Let's go, Tropics. Let me hear you say, "Fourth place!" (ALL) Fourth place! Fourth place! (ALL) Fourth place! Fourth place! (ALL) Fourth place! Fourth place! (ALL) Fourth place! The Spurs may be the number-one team in the league but come Saturday night they're gonna have to prove it. Turtleneck. Mr Moon, since this game doesn't actually count, what exactly is your motivation? On Saturday, we're gonna be playing for the Flint, Michigan, Mega Bowl. White pants. I don't understand what you mean by Mega Bowl. It's a Mega Bowl! What's not to understand?! This is history in the making. You're gonna wanna tell your grandkids and their grandkids. And when they look back in the annals of history, they're gonna be talkin' about three things - discovery of fire, invention of the submarine and the Flint, Michigan, Mega Bowl. Right, but still the game doesn't count. The trophy's 12ft high! And it is glorious! I've seen it. Oh, yeah, and when we win the game, that big gun's gonna shoot off. The cannon doesn't fire, it's a relic. We're gonna win the Mega Bowl. Saturday! Eight o'clock! Flint, Michigan, Mega Bowl! Flint, Michigan, Mega Bowl! Flint, Michigan, Mega Bowl! 'The Tropics seem to have captured every heart in this town. 'People have poured in from around the state to root for this first Mega Bowl championship.' "It's a wonderful night for Flint and a wonderful night for the Flint Fairgrounds Coliseum." "Now, Flint will be playing without Coffee Black, their top scorer, "as the Spurs have traded for several new players from around the ABA." I was excited to be here till I saw your face, Coffee. Why's it so quiet in here? Somebody say somethin'! Monix, what time is it? It's time. (CHEERING) "It is a sold-out crowd here at the Flint Fairgrounds Coliseum as the Tropics walk onto the court." "I tell you what, Dick, this makes a lot of sense, this heroes' welcome for this Flint Tropics team." "This is extraordinary." "Jackie Moon is Flint's favourite son "and he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!" "With the possible exception of, er, Henry Ford, "Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that." (ALL CHEER) "Quick tip to the Spurs. Behind the back." And wow! A little how-do-you-do! That's a pretty impressive start for the Spurs. Running roughshod over the Tropics. "Vakidis passes to Double Day. Oh, rejected!" "Scootsie passes to Jackie. Out to Twiggy and... Oh, stolen by Rebenkoff!" "He pulls up for a dagger and, ouch, three points!" Yeah! "I don't feel good about this." (CROWD GASPS) Oh, shit! Oh! Hard to say where the Tropics are falling down worse, on defence or offence. And with Coffee Black on the Spurs bench, the Tropics look lost. You're goin' in, Coffee Black. I got back spasms. I can't do it. Lutz, you're in. Go get 'em. Jackie! Come on! Jackie, Jackie! "Moon to Ellis." "Ellis to Munson. Munson to Monix." "Ooh, three points! Monix responds!" But it'll take more than one three to defeat these mighty Spurs." This is the worst half of basketball the Tropics have played since Monix took over as coach. Yeah, it's a shit-fuckin' sandwich. Let's watch the F-bomb. "With time expiring in the first half, Monix passes to Moon." "He goes...! Oh! Gets taken out by Petrelli!" "I've never seen anyone get taken out that hard before." (ALL SHOUT) Hey, hey, hey! Monix, you gotta hit him in the nuts! Father Pat breaking up what could have been total pandemonium. Jackie? Jackie? He's got a pulse. Let's get the stretcher. We don't have a stretcher. Jackie sold it. Alright, well, let's get him up. Yeah, come on. "Jackie's team-mates doing an awful job of stabilising his spine as they carry him off the court." Come on, Jackie. (CONCERNED CHATTER) Where the hell do you think you're goin'? You walk away from this team, you will never play in the NBA! That's my son! That's my son! Go, Clarence! Go, Clarence! You hear me, Coffee?! Coffee Black is walking over to the Tropics. "This crowd is going crazy!" (ALL CHEER) Come on, Jackie, wake up. Jackie, come on, it's me, it's Bobby Dee. Wake up. Open 'em up. Hey, you got any smelling salts? I think we do. Get up, Jackie. Come on, Jackie. Come on, baby. Jackie. Mom! I miss you, Mama. I miss you, too, honey. Come on, little fella. Jackie. Clarence, what are you doin' here? What it look like? I'm with y'all. He alright? Are you outta your mind? You wanna lose your NBA contract? I don't care about that. This is OUR season and we gonna finish it. So you're gonna blow the deal for this? Fourth place, right? Right. Let's get Tropical. Come on, buddy. Come around. Now, I want you to go forward and tell the others what I have told you here today. Do you understand me, son? Yes, Mama. You're so kind. I'm sorry I stole your song. Oh, I forgave you for that a long time ago. Jackie, it's time you forgave yourself. I don't wanna leave this place. It's so fluffy. Now hurry up. And don't forget what I said. OK. Bye! Bye, Mama! Bye! Bye. Oh, hey! I threw up, Mom! I know you did, sweetie. I threw up all by myself! That's workin'. Come on, Jackie. A little eye flutter. Hello! Mornin', sunshine. We missed ya. Oh, this just in. It sounds like Jackie Moon is up and around. Fake the pass and go straight to the basket. How hard is it? He keeps throwin' elbows. Stand up to him, ya pussy! Monix, wait. I gotta tell these guys somethin'. I had a dream. I had a dream I was in heaven. And my mother spoke to me. She was wearing this flowing white gown and... she showed me a brand-new way to score a basket. She called it the alley-oop. She spoke to me and she said, "With this gift, you will win fourth place." # "A Fifth of Beethoven" - Walter Murphy "We are back in action here at the Mega Bowl. Coffee Black is playing for the Tropics!" "Jackie makes the start here. In fact, it looks like he's running the offence." (STUNNED SILENCE) "I'm sorry, I don't know what just happened. A very unusual series of moves just made the ball go in. Damn! Yeah, I don't know why, Dick, but... I just got an erection. (BLOWS WHISTLE) Foul. No, two fouls. Foul?! I didn't touch anybody! People can't fly in the air like that. Oh, please! My mom wouldn't cheat in my dreams. What?! She's an angel! Heaven wants us to win this game! I'll burn your house down! Hold it. It can't be a foul without touchin' another player. It can't be travelling without first establishing a pivot foot. That's right. It's two points, Father Pat. It is two points. Alright, I'm gonna allow it. That's the gospel. Two points, Flint! (ALL CHEER) Are you outta your mind?! He was floating! It's legal! Is this ghost ball?! What the hell is that? (ALL CHEER) It worked, Jackie! Thanks, Mama! Whoo! "Things are getting interesting here in the second half." "Rebenkoff makes a shot and misses it. Rebound Tropics." There it is again. Clarence leaping and forcing the ball through the net off of a high arching pass. It's a great play. It sure is. Oh, hold on. I'm just being told that this is called an alley-oop! Yes, that is easier to say. Twig! "Monix passes to Jackie. Jackie lobs to Clarence. Yes!" "Another alley-oop!" I love the alley-oop! (LAUGHS) Yes! (ALL CHEER) "Here comes the alley. And there goes the oop!" Yes! (ALL GASP) (BLOWS WHISTLE) Time-out, white. I've never seen anything like this. The Tropics have fought their way back from a HUGE deficit and now, with 12 seconds left in the history of this franchise, they are down by two, and, man, you can feel the tension. OK, guys, listen up. They've made adjustments. We can't keep runnin' the alley-oop. We're not gonna run the alley-oop. What we gonna run, then? The puke. The puke? Don't tell me you've forgotten it. I seared it into your brains. This will work, OK? The puke. Right on. I was gonna say exactly the same thing. Good call. One, two, three! (ALL) Let's get Tropical! "We're down to the last play. Monix inbounds to Jackie." "Jackie passes right back to Monix. Monix... back to Jackie." "The Tropics have gotta make a move." "Yeah, they need to find a way to the hole. Monix finds Bee Bee." "Back to Jackie. He goes...! Oh! Fouled hard by Petrelli!" Eat shit, Petrelli! Don't you know how to play basketball?! (SHOUTS) "Father Pat struggles to keep order between these two tough teams." Black. Four-two. With the body. Two shots. Jackie will shoot two free throws here. His team down by two. Two seconds on the clock. Alright, gentlemen. Relax on the first one, we got two here. Come on, Jackie. Don't worry, guys, I got these. I'm very good at free throws. Seriously, free throws are probably the best facet of my game. (TAKES DEEP BREATHS) What are you doin'? You never see me shoot free throws before? He's shootin' granny style. Let him do his thing. Always has. Oh, shit. (TAKES DEEP BREATHS) Here we go. "Jackie Moon holding the fate of Flint in his fingertips." "He kisses the ball for good luck." Sweet sugar. "It's good!" (ALL CHEER) Yes! Never doubted you, Jackie. "The Tropics need one more to stay alive." Watch your lines. One more, Jackie. (TAKES DEEP BREATHS) (ALL CHEER) "Flint wins the Mega Bowl! Flint wins the Mega Bowl!" "Flint wins the Mega Bowl!" (WHISTLES) Fourth place! Fourth place! Go, Tropics! Go, Tropics! # "Move On Up" - Curtis Mayfield Rarh! (BOOMING) Whoo-hoo! (BOTH CHANT) Who's number four?! Who's number four?! Yeah! Oh, God, we did it! Just a moment, please. (GIRLS CHEER) (ALL CHANT) Fourth place! Fourth place! Fourth place! (POLICEMEN CHEER) Yeah! Hey, Coffee. I've changed my mind. I think we could use that alley-oop of yours in the NBA. (WHOOPS EXCITEDLY) Thanks, coach! Mama! (BOTH) The NBA! Hey! Yeah, baby! Way to go! Whoo! Thank you! Yes! Yeah! We did it! We did it! Yeah! Jackie! Congratulations on the Mega Bowl! Thank you. Whatever that is. It's very exciting. Yeah. You're a helluva promoter. Yeah. Listen, I'm gonna be working with the commissioner of the NBA and I want you to join me. Me in the NBA?! Really?! My God, thank you! Can I bring my son-friend with me? Jackie, you don't have to do that. Yes, I do. Mark my words, as long as I'm alive, you'll both... (BEAR ROARS) (SCREAMS) Everybody panic! (ALL SCREAM) It's just like the Titanic but it's full of bears! # "Shining Star" - Earth, Wind & Fire # Yeah # Hey # When you wish upon a star # Your dream will take you very far, yeah... 'Dear Dukes, sorry it took so long but in this bag is $10,000, cash.' No way! Really? 'Actually, it's only 2300.' 'I'll be payin' you the rest after they finish my merger buyout.' 'Let's get Tropical. Jackie R Moon.' Bitchin'. Bitchin'. Let's get Tropical! Whoo!