WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. ABLE 2017 WHIMSICAL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE BRASS BAND PLAYS 'IF I HAD WORDS' (Grunts) NARRATOR: The first hazard for the returning hero is his fame. The adulation can spin you quite giddy. Those who once dismissed you as a lousy pork chop now clamour just to be in your presence. BOY: Sir, sir! Look, sir, look! Look! Up in the sky! Look up there! (Snorts) FANFARE, CHEERING Excuse me. Mr Hoggett, Mr Hoggett, sir. Mr Hoggett, sir. Your pig. Can you just... Hold the pig up for the press. Look this way! Wait! Wait! Show us the pig! One more! NARRATOR: The deeds of the farmer and his remarkable pig became renowned even in distant lands. (Snorts) Invitations came from all over - to open fairs, to demonstrate sheep herding and indeed, to meet a queen. But Arthur Hoggett was a retiring man, he found his best pleasures working his farm. So it was, one morning, he set out to repair the water pump and Babe somehow got it into his head that he could help. But fate turns on a moment, dear ones, and the pig was about to learn the meaning of those two cruel words of regret - "If only." WOOD CREAKS If only he hadn't been so careless. W...whoa! ROCKS THUD If only the weight of the pig and the pump did not exceed the weight of the farmer. If only the farmer did not connect with the platform on the way up, but jam his fingers at the top. THUD! CRASH! (Screams) If only the pump hadn't fallen off at the bottom. And if only the poor farmer had the presence of mind to hold onto the rope. Boss. (Echoes) Boss! SHEEP BLEAT, BIRDS CHIRP (Cow moos) (Clucks) TRAGIC MUSIC Oh... (Grunts) (Hoggett groans) (Growls) (Snorts) BED CREAKS (Groans) (Snorts questioningly) (Moans) (Snorts) NARRATOR: At no other time in his short life had the pig wished more that his words could be understood by humans. If only to say, "Sorry, boss." (Whispers) Sorry, boss. (Moans) 'NON JE NE REGRETTE RIEN' PLAYS (Mouse sings) # Non, rien de rien # Non, je ne regrette rien # Ni le bien # Qu'on m'a fait # Ni le mal # Tout ca m'est bien egal # Non regrette rien... # (Mr Hoggett Grunts) HORSE SNORTS NARRATOR: Even before her Arthur's misfortune, Mrs Hoggett was ceaselessly busy bustling, baking, bottling and pickling, but now, having to nurse her husband and pay the bills, she found life considerably more challenging than she had ever anticipated. Before long, two men showed up. Two men in suits. Men with pale faces and soulless eyes. Such men could have come from only one place...the bank. THUNDER CRASHES Arthur! Arthur! FRANTIC MUSIC (Bark wildly) (Whispers) Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Oh! Yes! (Reads aloud indistinctly) "Guest appearance...by your pig." (Mumbles) "Sheep-herding demonstration." (Mumbles) "Free air travel, accommodation and a generous appearance fee." Oh! Arthur! Arthur! A generous appearance fee! Look! (Whine) Pig! Pig! Pig-pig-pig! Pig! (Female dog) Come, dear. You're being called. DUCK: Uh, he's not here. MRS HOGGETT: Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig! Babe. BABE: Babe's not here. You can't undo what's happened, but you can make up for it. Babe, the boss is about to lose the farm. We'll all be sent away. HORSE: There's no telling where we'll end up. Not every human's as kind as ours. But w...what can I do? Nothing! You're a sheep-pig. A champion, no less. Most likely they'll want you to herd sheep. You can't leave! He can't leave! You're my lucky pig. Pig! Pig! (Ducks quack) Arthur. You call the wretched thing! CREAKING Come, pig! (Mr Hoggett whistles) Well, I must be off, then. You won't be alone, dear. You'll be with the boss's wife. Sure. "The boss's wife". In the company of a serial killer. Don't take counsel of your fears. Do you want to pee? No. No, thank you. Come on. Come on with me. But...but...but I need this pig. He's my lucky pig. My good luck pig. With...with...without him, I...I'm dead. Deceased! Lifeless! Extinct! A demised duck. (Grunts) In you go. POIGNANT MUSIC Can you come with me, Fly? I wish I could, dear. But it's you they want. Please... Stop it, now. You're a brave pig. And, Babe, more often than not in this uncertain world, fortune favours the brave. Porridge for breakfast. No sugar, just salt, but not too much. Tea, no milk, just lemon. OK. I think that's everything. I'm off. Esme! Don't worry, Arthur. I won't let anything happen to your pig. Arthur. MAGICAL MUSIC DING! (Snorts) (Mouse mumbles) (Grunts) NARRATOR: And so, dear ones, the pig and the farmer's wife ventured into the larger world. What follows is an account of their calamitous adventures and how a kind and steady heart can mend a sorry world. ALL: Save the farm, Babe! Save the farm! Save the farm...! ALL: "Scram! This is not a farm!" WHOOSH! HEAVY RUMBLING (Babe sings to the tune of 'Jingle Bells') # La, la, la # La-la-la-la, la # La, la, la # La-la-la-la # La-la-la-la, la, la # Hey! # (Safety Announcement in quasi Swedish-English) WOMAN: Zay bood zeet...easy. Double jacket gabi zola...one. An extra here. Indeed this is mos dis. And immed dress and quickly jacket. You pull de bob. WHOOSH! Oh! JACKET SQUEAKS AIRPLANE ACCELERATES (Taps glass) (Yells distressfully) TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS 'CHATTANOOGA CHOO CHOO' PLAYS (Duck pants) (Wheezes) SONG: # Pardon me, boy # Is that the Chattanooga choo choo? # Yes, yes # Track 29! # Uh, pardon me, boys, uh... Yeah? Uh, see that thing, that fat, featherless, flying thing? Uh-huh. Any idea where it's headed? Follow us. Oh, good. Follow them. # Woo-woo, Chattanooga There you are # She's gonna cry until I tell her that I'll never roam # So Chattanooga choo choo... # (Duck hums along) # Won't you choo-choo me home # Chattanooga chattanooga # Get aboard... # Chattanooga chattanooga # All aboard. # (Sings) # Chattanooga doo dee. # METALLIC RUMBLING JAZZ MUSIC Oooh, oooh! (Sniffs) Oh. Oh. Uh...uh...excuse me. Excuse me, but I was wondering... Hey, look, pal. I'm busy. I seem to have lost my human. Hey, I'm working here. Capisce? Comprendere? Whoa! Ain't you a weird-looking puppy. I'm not a puppy. I'm a sheep-pig. My human's gone and I'm hungry and I'm supposed to save the farm. That's truly tragic, but see that long line of stuff? And all those piles yonder? You see? Yes. I gotta sniff every doggone one. I'm a sniffer, you see. A fully qualified, triple-certificated sniffer. Oh. It's all in the hooter. The schnoz. The olfactory instrument. You could be a sniffer with that schnoz. That's very kind of you, but... Don't interrupt me. I'm getting to the good part. When you sniff the right smell, know what happens? Uh-uh. You jump around, go beserk. That's what happens. The humans come running. They do? Uh, why? Beats me, but it's sure important. I get big rewards. Rewards? Sure, my heart's desire. Watch this. (Barks) (Barks repeatedly) MAN OVER LOUDSPEAKER: Security guard to section four. Security guard to section four. We got one. She could be my mother. Creepy, isn't it? Esme Cordelia Hoggett? Oh! Thank heaven! My pig hasn't come through, I've only 15 minutes to make flight FF115 and I need to get to the other terminal. But there's no point going without the blessed pig. Ma'am. We have the pig. Let's get a wriggle on then. Oh. If we miss FF115, we'll miss the 4:15 shuttle. If we miss the 4:15 shuttle then we miss the fair - the grandaddy of all state fairs, and today's the last day. It'll all be over and we lose the appearance money. If we do, the bank won't take, "I missed my flight" for an answer. That'll be it. All over. Arrivederci farm. Poor Arthur would be utterly... SINISTER MUSIC ..devastated. (Snorts) Oh. Esme Cordelia Hoggett, we have reason to believe you may be carrying illegal substances on your person and being an officer of the Drug Enforcement Agency, I am authorised by law to conduct certain...procedures. Please step into the cubicle and remove your clothes. Pardon? (Snorts repeatedly) WHIRLING MUSIC (Eats noisily) NARRATOR: Of course, it was proved beyond any doubt that Esme Cordelia Hoggett was not a felon. But sadly, they had missed their all-important connection. And to make matters worse, they were obliged to wait some days for the next flight home. They couldn't go forward and they couldn't go back. They were stranded. (Gulps) (Grunts) (Sniffs and grunts) Uh-huh, so, you don't take pets? But he's just a little pig. Well, it's more of a dog, really. But it's practically human! (Indistinct voice on telephone) AIRPLANES DRONE, CHATTER BIG BAND JAZZ (Mrs Hoggett hums) (Babe snorts) (Chuckles nervously) (Grunts) Scram, lady. This is not a farm. (Gasps) INDISTINCT LOUDSPEAKER VOICE Excuse me. Flealands Hotel. A few blocks south. You'll be welcome there. NARRATOR: Esme Hoggett studied the face of the stranger. Thank you. And wondered what could have provoked his unexpected act of kindness. 'THAT'S AMORE' PLAYS (Mouse sings) # When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore. # When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine # That's amore... # (Grunts) # Bells will ring Ting-aling-aling, ting-aling-aling # And you'll sing 'Vita bella' # Hearts will play Tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay # Like a gay tarantella. # AIRPLANE RUMBLES ALL: "What kind of establishment "do you think this is?" UNSETTLED MUSIC Oh. I need a room for myself and the, uh, wee pig. Oh. Are you crazy? Animals in here? You think we take animals? Oh, but I have... What kind of establishment do you think this is? Well, it isn't. Am I aware of the city codes and regulations? Yes. Am I one to break the law? Absolutely not. I am very lawful. Are you hearing impaired? Go away! AIRPLANE RUMBLES Psst! Psst! Hmm? How long did you want to stay? I...er, two days. Will an attic room do? Uh, well, I thought... That was just for the neighbours. Heartless meanies. Where do they expect these poor creatures to go? Is he house-trained? Oh, yes. Just like you and me. Do we provide meals? No. But is there a convenience store? Yes, two blocks south. And what is the golden rule? Never answer the front door. Why? It might be an inspector. Mind THAT step. If you need anything... SQUEAKING BANG! ..door on the left. Who lives there? I do. And where's the bathroom? End of the landing. QUIRKY MUSIC What is that? A canine? Huh? You canine? Little puppy dog? Flealick, come back! We don't know where it's been, do we, Alan? No, Nigel. Feline. You're a cat? Do I look like one? I've got myopia. I can barely see anything. If you're a cat, scat! That's the rule. Kitty! You got no business being on this floor. Right? No felines on this floor. Period! Where's the payphone? In the foyer. Local calls only. And where does the little piggy stay at all times? In the room. SINISTER MUSIC (Sniffs) (Voices sing) # Yum-yum, yum. # And where does the dear little fellow do his necessaries? In the kitty litter. Who empties it? You do. Any questions? Oooh. Where do I make a long-distance phone call? Oh. At two blocks south. Mmm. AIRCRAFT DRONES (Sighs) (Babe grunts) (Grunts repeatedly) Oh. Stay, pig. Stay. (Grunts) NARRATOR: Babe looked out across this vast habitat, abundant with humans and other creatures and wondered when he would see his first sheep. Then the thought occurred to him. Maybe it wasn't sheep herding. Maybe something else was required of him. DISTANT TRAFFIC Whatever the case, in this place with its dark corners and endless possibilities, the pig felt sure he would find a way to redeem himself. (Sniffs) DOOR CREAKS MYSTERIOUS MUSIC (Moans sympathetically) Uh-oh. Can...can I help you? What are you doing? (Speaks indistinct language) I beg your pardon? FRANTIC MUSIC Hey! Wait a minute! Uh-oh. That belongs to the boss's wife. Hey, that...come back! Oh! You! (Mutters) Wait up! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Yeah! Whoa! Slow down. If you're not a cat, stay and chat. S...sorry. We don't get out much on account of Nige and Al's nerves. (Chuckles) Oh! (Groans) Ow! BANG! Open up, please. O...open this door. DOOR CREAKS SULTRY MUSIC You got a problem, sweetie? Um...(Stammers) MAN: Who is it, honey? It's a...kind of a baldy, pinky-whitey thingy. Show him in. I'd like the bag back, please. (Mutters) Hey, pinkness. Look at the little guy. You want to break his heart? But...but it doesn't belong to him. All I know is what I see. DOOR CLOSES Tug comes in with the bag, just doing his job, collecting stuff. And you barge in here, accusacating and making demandments. I didn't see you with the bag. Who's to say it belongs to you? I'm not leaving without the bag. I don't think my big brother, Bob Bopaluba the Big Banana, has misplaining how things work around here. Well, I have to warn you, I may be small, but I can be ferocious if provoked. And what have we here? Well, uh, we're in a negotiation with this naked, pink individual. WOMAN: He's of foreign extraction, Your Honour. Possibly even an alien. You drooling imbeciles. This is an omnivorous mammal, the order Ungulata. An inconsequential species with no other purpose than to be eaten by humans. This lowly, handless, deeply unattractive mud-lover... ..is a pig. WOMAN: Oh. For your information, I'm a sheep-pig. I've been sent to save the farm and... ..come to think of it, I should be saving the farm right now and... ..if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. So will this little pink lunchness fulfil his destiny, nourishmentally speaking? We shall see. I feel very uncomfortable with this conversation. I want my bag back. DOOR CREAKS Get out of my way! WHIMSICAL MUSIC (Grunts) (Grunts) WOMAN: Uncle Fugly! Uncle Fugly! (Grunts) (Groans) (Squeals) Uncle Fugly! Huh. (Knocks) Please, let me out! Uncle Fugly. There's been a theft upstairs. Can you imagine? Uh, Esme Hoggett, Fugly Floom. Uncle Fugly, Esme Hoggett. Perhaps we should call the police. No, no. No police. No authorities. It would be the end of this place. Surely you understand. (Groans) I just phoned my Arthur to say at least his pig was safe. Then on top of everything else... That's my human! Open... ..the clothes, I don't care about the clothes, but the pig. I can't go home without the pig. (Moans and mutters) AIRPLANE RUMBLES (Mutters) Did you get that? Approximately five minutes ago, something that looked like a pig exited this establishment. Where did he go? Left on Canal Street and then toward the beach. OK. Thank you. (Groans) (Animals miaow operatically) SONG: # Miaow! Miaow! # MOUSE: What's that? It's beautiful! Oh! It's lovely! # Miaow, miaow... # (Giggle) ALL: Oooh! (Sing operatic 'Three Blind Mice') # Three blind... # (Scream wildly) (Chorus continues) ALL: "Chaos Theory." MRS HOGGETT: Pig! Pig! Pig! Here pig, pig, pig, piggy! LOUD DANCE MUSIC Here pig, pig, pig, pig. PIG! PIG! Pig! Pig! Here pig, pig, pig, piggy! Who you calling a pig, lady? Not you. Another pig. My husband's pig. You know, a pig... What's in the bag? LIVELY MUSIC Give it here. (Grunts) PEOPLE SCREAM Oooh! Whoa! Whoa! BOING! Oh, dear. Oh! GURGLING SOUND MAGICAL CIRCUS MUSIC (Children giggle) MAGICAL MUSIC CONTINUES COMICAL SQUEAKS BELLS JINGLE DRUMROLL (Children laugh) (Snorts) NARRATOR: Show business may not be as honourable a profession as sheep herding, but the pig was willing to endure the ridicule if it would help put things right back at Hoggett Hollow. SUSPENDERS CREAK BOING! And the animals had told him if all went well, there would be big rewards. Oh, hey. So, when do I get paid? Shh. (Audience claps) DRUMROLL (Children scream) (Children laugh) Sir, I got to get going now. How do I collect my reward? I told you, stay under the table. Yep. OK. Oh. Wa...! Whoa! 'NON, JE NE REGRETTE RIEN' PLAYS FIRE ALARM RINGS (Edith Piaf sings) # Non, rien de rien # Non, je ne regrette rien... # (Screeches) COMICAL WHISTLE # Ni le bien # Qu'on m'a fait # Ni le mal # Tout ca m'est bien egal # Non, rien de rien # Non, je ne regrette rien # C'est paye # Balaye... # MRS HOGGETT: Take your hands off me, you. Oh! It's a mistake. I'm a grandmother! Somebody help! Please! Call Arthur Hoggett. OK. Freak show's over. Finished. Come on. SIREN WAILS Help! ALL: "A pig gets wise." MELANCHOLY MUSIC (Groans) Just tell me. There is no reward, is there? Was there ever such a thing? Oh, little pink thingy. This is the city. As Bob always says... What do you say, Bob? It's all illusory. It's ill and it's for losers. No, that wasn't it. (Burps) You know, that stuff about no yesterday and no tomorrow. All you got is this actual nowness. The past is gone and as for the future... (Blows raspberry) Yeah. No guarantees, my little pork pie. It's a dog-eat-dog world and there's not enough dog to go around, so you look after number...whatsie. Get my drift? I'm not a pork pie. Whatever you say, cutie-pie. I'm not any kind of pie. I'm just a pig on a mission. (Mice accompany ukulele) NARRATOR: It's tough if you're a pig alone in the city. It can leave you empty. And whom do you turn to? Where was the boss's wife? He thought it might help if he could recall Fly and Rex and their steadfast words. And he tried really hard, but he could barely remember the face of his beloved boss. The farm was fading. It had become just a comforting dream, an echo. (Mice sing) # Da, dum # Dum-da-dum, dum, Dum, dum, dum # Is your heart filled with pain? # Shall I come back again # Tell me, dear Are you lonesome tonight? # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Ooh, ooh. # BANG! Huh? SQUEAKS BLEAK MUSIC MONITORS BEEP (Breathes laboriously) (Whimpers) (Slams door) AMBULANCE SIREN WAILS Are we OK, Thelonius? Thelonius? I couldn't wake him. I tried, but he wouldn't wake up. He'll be back. Himself always comes back. Thelonius. Easy, let him be. UPLIFTING MUSIC DUCK: Let's see. Um, hmm. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute. Er, this looks good. Mmm. Yeah, just drop me off. Er, yeah, right here will be fine. (Gulps) Thanks for the ride, pal. I just hope you get that operation for your wing. Yeah, well, uh... Not being able to fly long distances on top of the amount of family tragedies you've suffered. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, yeah. Don't sweat it. See you. Farewell, noble duck. Okey-dokey, you are cleared for landing. Here we go. Flaps down. (Squawks) Perfect. Oh. (Chuckles) Ah! Huh? Hey. GUNSHOTS (Quacks) Eek, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, eek, eek. (Screams) Whoa! (Cackles manically) CAR HORNS HONK (Cries) Pig! (Sobs) Pig. NARRATOR: By nightfall, all Babe's concerns, all the troubled voices in his head, were drowned out by one insistent moan. (Stomach growls) Food! The fact is, Babe's belly was making such a fuss, he began to believe it was talking to him. Food! BOB: Anybody got any food? Anybody? Hey, dogs, you got any edibles? Any nibbly-dibblies? We've got a carpet with some nice spaghetti stains. But we can't keep licking the carpet, can we, Alan? No, Nigel. Hey, cats. Cats. What about you? (Cats sing) # No, no, no, no food # No food No food # No food No food, we have no food. # Well, then, I'm going to get proactivated. I know where there's food aplentiful. We're going outside? Without a human? Could be kind of dangerous, you know, in a lethally sort of way. We'll stick to the shadows, honey. It's coolness. DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS UNSETTLED MUSIC BABE: Hey. Hey, wait. Wait a minute. (Trots on bridge) Where's the food? I have to eat. Hey. Keep your voice down. I'll do anything. Absolutely anything. Eh, go porking eat. What can you do? You don't even have any hands. What can I do? Uh, lots. Yeah, right. Sheep. I can herd sheep! Go home, sweetie. You're making a spectacle of yourself. Wait a momentum. I'm thinking I might have some of those sheep for him to herd. You do? Uh-huh. I'll show you. Right here, behind the Food-o-rama is where they keep the sheep. I'm going to open this hole. Open, says-a-Bob. They're in there. Border Leicester or Scottish Blackface. Pitbull and a doberman pinscher - very exotic breeds. Oh. Where do you want me to herd them? That's up to you. Just keep them occupied till we get the necessaries. Okey-dokey. Hello. Hello. Anybody home? VICIOUS GROWLING Anybody else? (Male voice) You must have a very thin grasp on reality. Unless, of course, you're suicidal. (Whimpers) I'm just looking for some sheep. I warned you. (Growls viciously) Whoa! (Barks aggressively) Bah, ram, ewe. Bah, ram, ewe! To your breed, your fleece, your clan be true. (Quickly) Bah, ram, ewe. (Both bark wildly) Down here, honey. Take care now. LIVELY OPERATIC SONG (Whimpers) (Bark) (Bark wildly) I'll head him off. (Growls viciously) Let me in. (Pants) Please. Somebody. Let me in. Let me in! Open the door! DRAMATIC OPERATIC SONG MAN: Darling, don't get yourself in a state. It's not my imagination. Something is going on in that place. Portence, you'll miss the aria. Portence! (Clicks tongue and scoffs) LIVELY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC (Growls) Oh! (Pants) MUSIC QUIETENS LIVELY MUSIC I'm going to catch me. CRASH! SMASH! CRASH! (Pants wildly) (Growls viciously) Oh! FRENETIC MUSIC (Whimpers) (Growls) GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC LAWNMOWER RATTLES Uh, uh, whoa. (Snarls) (Yelps) (Snarls) GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES NARRATOR: Something broke through the terror, flickerings, fragments of his short life. The random events that delivered him to this, his moment of annihilation. As terror gave way to exhaustion, Babe turned to his attacker, his eyes filled with one simple question. Why? (Barks viciously) (Yells) SPLASH! (Growls) (Growls) (Gasps) (Snarls) (Moans) Brrr! (Snarls viciously) AIRPLANE DRONES OVERHEAD NIGEL: This is what happens, Alan, on the outside. It's the times, Nigel. Honey, come away. (Trots on cobblestones) SPLASH! MAGICAL MUSIC (Grunts) (Gurgles) (Gasps) Oh. Oh. Please, someone, give us a hand. (Coughs and chokes) WHIMSICAL MUSIC (Pants) CHAIN CLINKS ECHO Brrr! (Pants lightly) FEMALE: Kind sir, kind sir. Can you help me? I have been cruelly cast out and have nowhere to go. Oh, but how? Please. Please. I know you're different from the others. Those that have had their way with me make their empty promises, but they're all lies, lies. But, um... I'm cold and I'm afraid and terribly, terribly tired. Where's your human? My humans belong to someone else now, someone younger and prettier. (Stutters) I, I never, ever had a human. KITTEN: I'm hungry. My human tied me in a bag and throwed me in the water. My tummy hurts. Try not to think about it. Take pity on us. We are the excluded and have nowhere to go. Well, it is nice and warm inside. Not a good idea. But, they... No, no. No-ness. Ah, could that be food? Oh, have mercy. (All talk) Come on. Let's eat. I'm starving. THELONIUS: Quiet. Quiet! You'll bring all manner of trouble. Uh, perhaps if we all went inside and we all line up, I'm sure there will be enough to go around. Your talking as if you're the word around here. PITBULL: I'd say he is. I'd like to offer up a solution that I feel confident you'll all respond to. Whatever the pig says goes. Anyone hostile to the notion? ALL: No. Suits us. No. No problem. Anybody else? Fine by moi. Anybody else? (Deeper) Else? TENSE MUSIC You're still just a pig. GENTLE MUSIC FEMALE: Well, fluff my fur. This recalls the glory days when I was dizzy with privilege. I had my hair styled, my nails manicured, each... Freeloaders. Riffraff with no manners. They'll soil will-nilly, won't they, Alan? Willy-nilly, Nigel. PITBULL: Hey, swine. I want you to have this collar. Um, that's not necessary. Yes, it is. You're very kind, but... No, no. I'm anything but kind. In fact, I have a professional obligation to be malicious. Then you should change jobs. Oh, I can't. Yes, you can. No, no. It's in the blood line, you see. We were once warriors. Now there's just the urge. Oh. A murderous shadow lies hard across my soul. So, should I have let you drown? Most would have. Pig, if you were to wear my collar it would honour me. PITBULL: Thank the pig. MALE: Thank you, pig. BABE: You're welcome. Thank the pig. FEMALE: Thank you, pig. You're welcome. Thank the pig. MALE: Thank you, pig. You're awfully welcome. Thank the pig. Thank you, pig. You're welcome. Thank you, pig. You're welcome. Thank the pig. Thank you, little thingy. You're welcome. Thank the pig. Hey, you! Thanks. And some for you. Thank you, Your Honour. Thank the pig. (Squeaks) PITBULL: Thank the pig. FEMALE: Thank you, pig. GOLDFISH: Thank you, Thelonius. PITBULL: OK, folks! Cafeteria's closed. I'm still hungry. A couple of jelly beans don't even hit the bottom. If only there weren't so many of those cats. CAT: Someone slap the dog. Watch it, pussy! Hey! Shove it, butt sniffer. (All talk and argue) Listen! Hey! The Chief has something to say. Uh, well... Maybe cats and dogs could, um, you know, be nicer to each other. Right. It is decreed that all cats and dogs put aside their instinctive and fanatical abhorrence of each other and that, hereafter, all creatures, great or diminutive, shall be of equal stature with rights to liberty and justice that nobody can deny. And so say all of us. KITTEN: I'm still hungry. My tummy, it feels all...thingy. I know, honey. We did all the work. We should get the biggest share. No, honey. Here. GENTLE MUSIC What? What's wrong? Nothing. NARRATOR: And so, dear ones, this topsy-turvy night was to end with a beginning. "Sanctuary's end." This event, that weaves a thread from past to future, sewed of the tired hearts of those assembled. And for a while at least, they put aside their uncertainties. MUFFLED NOISES, GURGLING (Whispers) I'm an uncle! Twice! Who's like us? Darn few few. Yeah, darn few. (Babies cry) MALE: Congratulations, mom. FEMALE: Look at that little face. MALE: They're so cute! Look. MALE: They've got their father's ears. MALE: I just want to lick them all over their little faces. PITBULL: On behalf of us all, I'm sure that the Chief would like to, uh... ..extend a special welcome, so, uh, listen up! Well, uh, I... Um... (Clears throat) (Softly sings) # If I had words # I'd sing a day for you # I'd sing you a morning # La, la, la, la, la, la # Golden and true # La, la, la, la (All sing) # La, la, la, la (Goldfish sings) # Blah, blah, blah, blah # Blah, blah-blah-blah Blah, blah. # CHORAL SINGING Pig. Pig! ANIMALS WHINE AND HOWL Oh, God, Roger! The place is teeming, overrun with filthy animals! It's a zoo! DRAMATIC MUSIC, CHORAL SINGING RESUMES (Squawks) Oh, Ferdinand! Hey, pig! Pig, where you going? GRAND CHORAL FINALE (Squawks) (Laughs) Oh, Ferdie! Give us a peck. Come on, pig! Kiss, kiss, kiss! (Laughs) (Laughs) Who are these losers? Ferdie! What's going on here? You look different. Yeah, well, this place can really take it out of you. Tell me about it. But, hey, I'm with my pig. My lucky, lucky pig! Little old Ferdie, snug and safe at last. GLASS SHATTERS (Exclaims) TENSE MUSIC MAN: Man! It's going to be a real busy night. I'll check upstairs. CATS MEW PLAINTIVELY, DOGS BARK MAN: Come on. Come on. (Whistles) Oh! Well, bite my tail! (Whistles) Dog. Don't go there. Good girl. Oh, that's my pretty girl. Yeah. Pig, let's go home. (Honks) ANIMALS SQUAWK AND SCREECH (Barks) MAN: Now! (Screeches) Pig. PIG! (Honks) MAN: Easy! MAN: Alright. Easy. (Whimpers sadly) Come on, Zootie! 'BARNYARD BOOGIE' PLAYS ON WALKMAN MAN: OK, now. MAN: OK. You got him! He's gone! We're leaving! Pull him in! Come on. You got him. Ah! 'BARNYARD BOOGIE' PLAYS SONG CONTINUES SONG: # Let's boogie in the barnyard # Yes, the barnyard's jumping... # (Honks) WOMAN: OK. TENSE MUSIC (Ferdinand sneezes) Are there any cats in here? Cats? No, absolutely not. No cat would dare come in here. I'm allergic to ca...c-ca-a... (Sneezes loudly) (Dogs chatter) (Cat screeches) (Snarls viciously) Good heavens, his heart condition! He'll kill himself, won't he, Alan? Yes, Nigel. Flealick! Flealick! Flealick! Hey, get a load of this. Think we'll get out of here without either of us getting hurt? How about you cooperate with me? (Gasps) (Mice exclaim) Do something! (Painfully) Um, ah, ah, water! I need some water. (Man grunts) (Squawks) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! (Yells in pain) Sorry. (Puffs and pants) MOUSE: Why can't you do anything? Uh... MICE: Eugh! (Spits) (Screams) Ahh! Thank you, pig! (Man grunts) (Screams) What would we do with that? Ow! Ow! Come on, let's go. (Barks) ALAN: Flealick! NIGEL: Flealick! (Splutters and pants) (Snarls) MOTORCYCLE REVS (Snarls) Flealick! Flealick! Let go! (Shouts) Let go, Flealick! (Caws and cackles) POIGNANT MUSIC (Snarls) WHEELS SKID SMALL WHEELS SQUEAK (Pants) Whoop! Whoop! BABE: Flealick? Huh? (Echoes) Flealick! Huh? Flealick! Can you...can you hear me? Are you OK? Yeah...flip me over. Flip, flip the wheel over. (Breathlessly) Ah. OK, OK. Whoo! Be real good. Be a good puppy. (Sniffs) They went...alright, they went this way. Uh...actually, Flealick, I think it's the other way. Wait a minute. What are you doing? It's all in the hooter, Ferdie. The schnoz. The WHAT?! The olfactory instrument. Pig, pig, you're unravelling here! A, they are long gone. B, they were not nice people. C's for kamikaze and D's for delusional, which is what you are in the head! Ferdie! Face it. You're just a little pig in the big city. What can you do? What can anyone do? Why even try? WHEEL SQUEAKS Would you help me off with this, please? (Chatters) Ferdinand the duck, witness to insanity. ALL: "Chaos re...revisited." Oops. Sorry. (Laugh) HEROIC MUSIC NARRATOR: Sometimes, we discover our talents only through necessity. Babe, who never used his nose for anything but the piggish pursuit of food, soon found he could make his way through the trickiest of smellscapes. As the morning wore on, he became quite the virtuoso. It's close. It's close. We're getting close. (Chatters) (Honks) WHEELS SQUEAK (Pants) (Scoffs) BOTH: Tourists. I do believe we're here. ANIMALS WHINE CHAOTICALLY (Chatters) Dead. Dead. I knew it, they're all dead. They're not dead! Let's go get them! Hey! Flealick. If we're caught, we won't be able to help anybody. MRS HOGGETT: Given myself a talking-to, let me tell you. I said to myself, "Esme, you've let Arthur down, "you've let yourself and the pig down..." NARRATOR: The judge had never heard anyone speak so much in so short a time. Evidently, this was a woman of clear conscience and good intent. Pig became my husband's best friend and... Besides, he grew up on a farm and had a fondness for pigs. ..bind me in chains but soon as I'm free, I'll march back into those ugly streets and search for my Arthur's pig! Case dismissed! HEARTENING MUSIC BABE: Hello? Hello? BOB: It's the pinkness! EASY: Alright! NIGEL: Chief! POODLE: Oh, I knew he'd come. (Whispers) Shh! We have to be quiet. BOB: Sorry. I sorry. I'll go lock up. Alright. OMINOUS MUSIC OK. You know the term "survival of the fastest"? I've got an idea. We split into two groups. Fast ones come with me, slow ones stay and sacrifice themselves. Ferdinand! Well, that way we don't all die! I think that's only reasonable, don't you? Where's Thelonius? (Thelonius groans and pants) What are you doing? I...I... I'm not dressed. ZOOTIE: But, Thelonius, you're an orangu-thingy. Well, I'm not dressed. Mr Thelonius, time to go. BOB: This is insanitary! FOREBODING MUSIC Thank you for waiting. (Honks) Quick, go back! Go back! Go, go, go, go! MUSIC INTENSIFIES LOCK CLICKS HAUNTING MUSIC ZOOTIE: Oh, my. When is something nice going to happen to me? Oxygen! Oxygen! 'BARBER OF SEVILLE' OPERA PLAYS MRS HOGGETT: Hello? Hello? LOUD POPPING SOUND Pig! FLOORBOARDS CREAK What's going on? What happened? I thought I could make a place where we'd be OK, but how can you do that here? This used to be a lovely neighbourhood. People kept an eye out for each other. But now, I'm away for one night, just one night with my Uncle Fugly on his deathbed... You poor wee thing. Why couldn't they just leave us be? Who? What did the animals ever do to her? Who? Her, that... 'BARBER OF SEVILLE' CONTINUES Her. Right. Clothes. Got anything that'll fit me? Er, um... CLOWN SUIT SQUEAKS SQUEAK! 'BARBER OF SEVILLE' CONTINUES LOUDLY SUIT SQUEAKS COMICALLY NIGEL: I'm NOT going across there. ALAN: Do it, Nigel. FERDINAND: It's just a walk in the park, just... Try and use all of your legs. Come on, we're almost...not there. (Honks) POODLE: In this whole wide world, is there anywhere that's truly safe? ZOOTIE: Yeah. For my babies. BABE: There is a place I know, but it's ever so far away, and... NIGEL: How do we get there? Well, first, we have to find my human. MAN: Darling! (Laughs) There you are. RAMATIC MUSIC, SUIT SQUEAKS (Ferdinand honks) BABE: Quietly. OK, quietly. Shh. (Laughs) (Mutters) This is a dog. Um, a pig. Hi, Thelonius. (Laughs) Come on, Thelonius. Come on. (Ferdinand quacks loudly) SIREN WAILS MAN: John? BELL DINGS John? Mrs Willis. PIPED ELEVATOR MUSIC Any pain? No, very little. Good. Evening, Doctor. Evening, Sir. Evening. Hello. OK, thank you. Have a good night. (Exclaims) SIREN WAILS (Barks) P.A. SYSTEM: To the hospital, the cheque we have indeed put together over this year's annual fundraising event. Evening. We're looking for, um, some animals. What kind? Pig, cats, dogs, monkeys... that sort of thing. ELEVATOR MUSIC CONTINUES (Ferdinand hums) DRAMATIC MUSIC FRANTIC ANIMAL NOISES Hey! You can't come in here! BANG! (Puffs and pants) Oh! (Grunts) Pig! (Men yell) THUMP! (Men groan) (Ferdinand quacks) SILENCE POODLE: Well, bite my tail. BABE: This must be the fun. ANNOUNCER: Oh, what a surprise. I adore surprises. (Laughs half-heartedly) (Grumbles) MUSIC INTENSIFIES DOOR OPENS, CROWD GASPS WHOOSH! DRAMATIC MUSIC PLATES SMASH, LADIES SCREAM (Screams) GLASSES CLINK (Exclaims nervously) PEOPLE SCREAM OK! Go! (Chatters) (Men choke) Pig! Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig! (Quacks) Whoa! It is her! It's her! Sure, it's her. Stay, pig! Stay! It looks like himself. (Whispers) Thelonius, I don't think so. I tell you, it's himself! Things are looking up, Ferdie. (Quacks) CHEF: You're coming with me, porky! No! That's not your pig! He is my pig now. (Yells) Esme, the chef's got your pig! (Gasps) TENSE MUSIC SMASH! (Dogs snarl) OK, Thelonius, let's go! LADIES SCREAM FRENETIC MUSIC (Squeals) (Ferdinand quacks loudly) I am Esme Cordelia Hoggett and I've come for my Arthur's pig! (Squeals) (Gasps) GLASSES TINKLE (Gasps) JAUNTY MUSIC (Squeals) Whoo! (Whoops) (Gasps nervously) (Chef whimpers loudly) CROWD EXCLAIMS Isn't this appalling? SPLAT! WHIMSICAL FESTIVAL MUSIC AIR RUSHES SUDDENLY Oh! Oh! (Screams) (Growls) DRUMROLL Come on, Ferdie! Come on! (Quacks) Come on, pig! Come on! Oh! (Screams) BOING! I'm coming! I'm coming! Grab him! (Squeals) CROWD GASPS (Puffs and pants) (Squeals noisily) (Chef laughs) Whoo! DRAMATIC MUSIC Whoo! Pig! (Quacks) SNAP! POP! (Screams) CRASH! MAGICAL MUSIC (Pants and groans) No! Oops! BOB: Honey, what's wrong? ZOOTIE: I think I've dropped a baby! What do you mean? I must have dropped the other baby! Zootie, calm down. Calm down. Zootie, don't worry, honey. We'll find the baby. The baby has to be right here. Oh, my baby! My baby! SPARKS FLY OVERHEAD ZAP! (Baby screams) Thelonius! Look! Look up! ZAP! (Screams) (Cries) (Whimpers) GENTLE MUSIC (Babies whimper) Thank you. Yeah, Thelonius. Thank you. Thank the pig. HEROIC MUSIC Pig! You get here now! TECHNO MUSIC NARRATOR: You can't always put things back together as they were, but you can look to something afresh. At least, that's what the two ladies decided. So it was, the hotel was rented out. and this provided for a curious arrangement. (Yells) Roger! ROGER! 'ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT' PLAYS ON PIANO The money from the hotel allowed the Hoggetts to keep the farm from the bank. (Pants) Race you home, Alan! You bet ya, Nigel! And so it was, the pig brought the two worlds together... ..two broken halves to make something afresh in a place just a little to the left of the 20th century. (Mice hum 'Are You Lonesome Tonight') The chimpanzees left show business behind and were able to be chimpanzees. As you would expect, the air agreed with them immeasurably. Although the others got a taste for country life, Flealick found the pace too slow... (Snarls) WHEEL SQUEAKS ..and took to chasing trucks. Sad to say, the thing between the Pitbull and the Pink Poodle didn't last. She ran off with another dog and left him with the kids. Come on, kids. You've got to be scary. You're warriors! Give me your snarl! ALL: But, Dad! Do we have to? We don't want to. (Mice sing) # When I kissed you And called you sweetheart # Do the chairs in your parlour # Seem empty and bare... # As for the orang-utan, he insisted on staying at the farmhouse with herself. # Is your heart filled with pain? # Shall I come back again? # Tell me, dear Are you lonesome tonight? # MACHINE WHIRRS AND THUDS And finally, dear ones, the pig and the farmer were content again in each other's company. And things were back to where they started... ..more or less. TAP GURGLES NOISILY Hmm. GURGLE THROB, GURGLE UPLIFTING MUSIC That'll do, pig. That'll do. (Peter Gabriel sings) # A kind and steady heart # Can make a grey sky blue # And a task that seems impossible # Is quite possible for you # A kind and steady heart # Is sure to see you through # It may not seem like very much right now # But it'll do # It'll do # When you find yourself in the middle of a storm # And you're tired and cold and wet # And you're looking for a place that's cosy and warm # You'll make it if you never forget # A kind and steady heart # Can conquer doubt and fear # A little courage goes a long, long way # Gets you a little bit further down the road each day # And before you know it You'll hear someone say # That'll do, pig # That'll do... # INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE # A kind and steady heart # Is sure to see you through # A little courage # Goes a long, long way # Gets you a little bit further down the road each day # And before you know it You'll hear someone say # That'll do # That'll do # That'll do, pig # That'll do. # Supertext Captions by the Australian Caption Centre www.auscap.com.au Captioned by: Julie Raffaele Melissa Egan Andrew Owens Edited by: Vicki Portors www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 Thank you for staying till the end.