CHECK IT OUT, GIRLS. 1 D-OHH. (SCREAMS) CHECK IT OUT, GIRLS. 68 SQUARES OF ANKLE-BUSTING FURY. THAT'S RIGHT, A DOUBLE-DOGLEG, HAMSTRING-KNOTTING HOP-WAY TO HELL. WHAT INSANE KANGAROO DREAMED THIS FEVERED NIGHTMARE? BEHOLD. LADIES, GRAB YOUR PEBBLES. MMM! (GIGGLES) WHAT? NOTHING. (LAUGHTER) (WITH SINGSONG VOICE): LISA HAS A BIG BUTT. ALL: LISA HAS A BIG BUTT. SHUT UP! I DO NOT! OH NO. DON'T MAKE LISA MAD. SHE MIGHT CRUSH US ALL WITH HER GIANT BUTT. SHUT UP, YOU. STOP TEASING THE BIG-BOTTOMED LASS. SHE'S JUST AS GOD MADE HER-- PLUMP AS A CHRISTMAS GOOSE. LISA: DAD... THE KIDS AT SCHOOL SAID MY BUTT'S BIG. THAT'S RIDICULOUS, HONEY. YOU'RE THE CUTEST LITTLE GIRL I KNOW. YOU JUST HAVE WHAT IS KNOWN AS THE SIMPSON BUTT. PERMIT ME TO ELABORATE. EVERY SIMPSON STARTS WITH A CIRCLE. DADDY HAS ONE BIG CIRCLE HERE... ...THEN A SMALLER ONE UP HERE... TWO BIG, SEXY CIRCLES FOR EYES... ONE MACHO MUZZLE... THEN A SNAPPY NEW OUTFIT. OOH, I'M LOOKING GOOD. OOH, CUFFS. YEAH. AND FOR SOME REASON, MY HAIR AND EAR FORM AN "M" AND A "G. PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! HMM? YOU WANT TO KNOW A LITTLE TRICK? TO DOWNSIZE MY DERRIERE, I JUST TIE A SWEATER AROUND IT. SEE? (WHIMPERING) (FALSETTO VOICE): OH, HOMER, YOU'RE WASTING AWAY TO NOTHING. YOU SIMPLY MUST EAT SOMETHING. (NORMAL VOICE): WELL, YOU'RE THE BOSS. (FALSETTO VOICE): OH, I LOVE TO SEE MY MAN EAT. CHECK IT OUT, HOMES. YOU SAID IF I EVER GOT A HUNDRED ON A TEST, YOU'D THROW ME A PARTY. THERE'S MY HUNDRED-- WHERE'S MY PARTY? (SCOFFS) NICE TRY, LOSER. I BET YOU MADE UP A FAKE TEST. NOPE, IT'S REAL-- CHECK OUT THE WATERMARK. ALL RIGHT. D-OHH! AHA. HERE'S A MISTAKE. IT SAYS THE CAPITAL OF KENTUCKY IS FRANKFORT. (CHUCKLES) DREAM ON, PAL. HOMER, THE CAPITAL OF KENTUCKY IS FRANKFORT. REALLY? FRANKFURTER... IS THAT ANYTHING? (SIGHS) YES, IT'S SOMETHING, DEAR. SEE, IT'S ALL LEGIT. NOW MAKE WITH THE PARTY. ALL RIGHT, BOY, WHICH CON DID YOU WORK HERE? COPY OFF ANOTHER KID? PAY ATTENTION AND TAKE NOTES? WELL, TAKE NOTE OF THIS. (GRUNTING) (LAUGHING) (GAGGING) (LAUGHING) BART REALLY DID GET A HUNDRED. I GAVE A TEST ON STATE CAPITALS, BUT I FORGOT TO ROLL UP THE MAP. EVERYONE GOT A HUNDRED. I WIN. P-A-R-T. PAR-TEE. (PARTY HORN SQUEALING) PEOPLE, PLEASE. IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT. I THOUGHT YOU TWO BROKE UP. THIS MEANS NOTHING. YES, YES, YOU'VE MADE THAT QUITE CLEAR. MAYBE A DIFFERENT OUTFIT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK THINNER. HMM. (GROANS) THIS STORE MAKES ME FEEL EVEN WORSE ABOUT MYSELF. (ELECTRONIC BEAT) OH. I HEARD SHE'S BACK TO HER BIRTH WEIGHT. MUST BE NICE. EW. NO, NO, THE BODY ON THIS MANNEQUIN IS ALL WRONG. I KNOW. IT'S SUCH AN UNREALISTIC STANDARD FOR YOUNG... HUH? (SINGING TO "BRINGING IN THE SHEAVES"): # PLANING DOWN THE THIGHS, PLANING DOWN THE THIGHS # # I MAKE FOUR BUCKS AN HOUR PLANING DOWN THE THIGHS. # HEY, I DON'T LOOK SO BAD. DON'T WORRY, LISA. YOU CAN STILL FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU. NOW YOU'VE GOT NO CHOICE. NO! OH BOY, BARTY'S GONNA PARTY. HE SURE IS-- IF HE CAN KEEP UP WITH THESE PARTY ANIMALS. AUNT PATTY, AUNT SELMA, GRANDMA BOUVIER AND... (IMITATING FANFARE) GRAMPA. (SNORING) PLUS YOUR SCHOOL-YARD CHUMS: MARTIN AND RALPH. BART'S MY BESTEST BOYFRIEND. OH MOM, THIS GUEST LIST SUCKS. IT'S THE BEST I COULD DO ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE. AW, WHERE'S MILHOUSE? HE'S GOT THE MEASLES. BUT WE'VE GOT HIM ON SPEAKERPHONE. (STATIC-FILLED VOICE): ROCK ON. YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TIME I MET BART WAS AT RECESS IN FIRST GRADE... (SIGNAL BREAKS UP) OH, I TOLD HIM TO USE A LAND LINE. OKAY, GANG, LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED-- OR SHOULD I SAY BARTED? HUH? FOR OUR FIRST GAME, I NEED EVERYONE TO DRAW A PICTURE OF PRESIDENT EISENHOWER. I DREW HIM WITH CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER LOUIS ST. LAURENT. THEIR RELATIONSHIP WAS FROSTY AT BEST. (MOANS) DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK... SAY "GOOSE," YOU STUPID FREAK. (CRYING) (WHIMPERS) OH, MOM, THIS WAS THE WORST PARTY EVER. (GROANING) GEE, I DID THE BEST I COULD... HERE'S LISA. SHE'LL SAVE THE PARTY. HONEY, SIT DOWN. HAVE A BIG SLICE OF CAKE. WHAT? I'M NOT FAT ENOUGH ALREADY? HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME? (CRYING) LISA, WAIT... (HUFFING) MILHOUSE: HELLO? HELLO? I HAD TO LEAVE COS MY FRENCH BREAD PIZZA DINGED. HELLO? DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK... CHECK IT OUT, GIRLS. 9 OH, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? BART DIDN'T LIKE HIS PRESENTS. SO WHAT? IT'S NOT LIKE HE GIVES US SUCH GREAT GIFTS. REMEMBER THAT MAPLE LEAF IRONED BETWEEN THE SHEETS OF WAX PAPER? WHAT WAS THAT? OH, IT'S NOT JUST THE PRESENTS. THE KIDS DON'T APPRECIATE ME ANY MORE. THEY'D RATHER HANG OUT WITH THEIR FRIENDS THAN WITH THEIR MOM. SO THEY'RE GROWING UP. SOON THEY'LL BE LEAVING THE NEST, AND YOU'LL HAVE TIME FOR YOURSELF-- HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF HOURS, AND THEN, THE PEACE OF THE GRAVE. NO! NO, I'VE GOT A LOT MORE MOTHERING LEFT IN ME. I'LL BE RIGHT HERE AT 3:00 TO PICK YOU UP. THEN I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE ZOO. WE CAN EAT FRIES OUT OF A SAFARI HAT! NO, THANKS. I'M GOING TO STAY IN THE LIBRARY AND DO A LITTLE READING. OH! WELL, I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, BART! MOM, AFTER THAT LAME PARTY YOU THREW, I'D RATHER HANG OUT WITH THUNDER-THIGHS HERE. (GROANS) THEY GROW UP SO FAST. THEY'RE JUST ASSERTING THEIR INDEPENDENCE. IF A CHILD DOESN'T DO IT NOW, IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN. SEYMOUR! DO YOU WANT YOUR VITAMIN IN APPLESAUCE? OR ARE YOU GONNA TAKE IT LIKE A BIG BOY? APPLESAUCE. (MAGGIE GIGGLES) OH, SURE, YOU LOVE ME NOW, BUT YOU'LL TURN. (GRUNTING) STOP STRUGGLING, AND GET IN MY MOUTH, JERKS! AREN'T YOU THE BOY WHO BEATS UP MY SON? PROB'LY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? SIMPSON. OH, YEAH. BART SIMPSON. SPIKY HAIR, SOFT KIDNEYS, ALWAYS HITTING HIMSELF? THOSE TADPOLES ARE YOUR LUNCH? TECHNICALLY, BRUNCH. WELL, HERE, TAKE THIS. MY DAUGHTER DIDN'T WANT THE LUNCH I MADE. (SNIFFING) MMM. THIS SANDWICH ROCKS. MY TADPOLES SEEM CRUDE BY COMPARISON. HA-HA! YOU'RE NOCTURNAL. YOU DON'T HAVE TO IMPRESS ME BY MAKING FUN OF OTHERS. I ALREADY LIKE YOU. HA-HA. I'M STARTING TO LET DOWN MY GUARD. HA-HA! THANKS, MRS. S. TODAY DIDN'T TOTALLY SUCK NARD. IT'S NICE TO BE APPRECIATED. WHATEVER. TAKE IT SLEAZY. MOM?! NELSON? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SLEEPING IN THE PARK TONIGHT. OH, THAT'S OKAY, THE KID DON'T BOTHER ME NONE. HEY, NELSON, SAY HELLO TO MOE. HE SAID HE'D TAKE YOU CAMPING SOMETIME. I SAID I MIGHT. MARGE: HEY, KIDS, I JUST HEARD THEY CANCELLED LEAGUE NIGHT DOWN AT THE BOWLING ALLEY. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? OPEN LANES! WHADDYA SAY? IT'LL BE BLAM! BART, LISA AND MOM. HUH? MOM, WHEN I WANT LAME AND NEEDY, I'LL CALL MILHOUSE. NO OFFENCE. FINE! I'LL TAKE MY MOTHERING ELSEWHERE. YEAH! OOH, GREAT ROLL, NELSON. HERE, I CUT UP YOUR HOT DOG FOR YOU. WOW, HOT DOGS ARE AWESOME! YOU'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE? NO, BUT I SAW SOME IN A CATALOGUE ONCE. PEOPLE IN SWEATERS WERE EATING THEM AT A PICNIC. SO, MY MOM WORKS AT HOOTERS, BUT HER DREAM IS TO GO TO VEGAS AND WORK IN A REAL STRIP CLUB. (GROWLS) AND, UH, WHERE'S YOUR DAD IN ALL THIS? HE WENT OUT FOR A PACK OF CIGARETTES AND NEVER CAME BACK. HE SAID "SMELL YA LATER," BUT HE NEVER SMELLED ME AGAIN. (SOBBING) NELSON, HOW'D YOU LIKE TO EARN SOME EXTRA MONEY AROUND OUR HOUSE? I HAVE SOME ODD JOBS MY KIDS WON'T DO. YEAH. I GET THE FEELING BART ISN'T EVERYTHING HE COULD BE IN THE SON DEPARTMENT. SOMETIMES I THINK HE'S MORE INTERESTED IN HIS "ITCHY AND MITCHY" CARTOONS THAN ME. HEY, I'M SURE IT'S JUST A PHASE, LIKE WHEN I USED TO STAND ON THE OVERPASS AND DROP COMPUTERS ON THE FREEWAY. UH-HUH. THAT'S HOW WE GET OUR KAYPRO. 64, 65, 66... HEY, LISA. ARE YOU COUNTING HOW MANY DAYS IT TAKES TO WASH YOUR BIG BUTT? (GIGGLING) I CAN'T HEAR YOU. THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR BUTT BLOCKS YOUR EARS. THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. NEITHER DOES YOUR BUTT. (GIGGLING) (GROWLS) LISA: I KNOW THIS OBSESSION WITH THINNESS IS UNHEALTHY AND ANTI-FEMINIST... BUT THAT'S WHAT A FAT GIRL WOULD SAY. LIS, LOOK! (GASPS) NOW, I KNOW THERE'S A HANDSOME YOUNG MAN BEHIND ALL THAT HAIR AND DIRT. HMM. MAYBE NOT, BUT YOU DID A GREAT JOB ON THE LAWN. THANKS, DINGUS... I MEAN, MA'AM. MY MOTHER... MY BULLY... MY GOD! MARGE: LISA, JUST TAKE A BITE. ONE BITE-- THAT'S ALL I ASK! (GROANS) NOW I CAN'T HAVE TOOTHPASTE TONIGHT. OH... (DOORBELL RINGING) HERE'S THE MONEY YOU GAVE MY SON. WE DON'T WANT YOUR CHARITY. I DIDN'T GIVE YOUR SON CHARITY. I GAVE HIM SELF-RESPECT. SELF-RESPECT, HUH? NO WONDER HE CAME HOME WITH HIS VEST ALL BUTTONED-- LIKE HE WAS SOMEBODY. GO HOME TO YOUR SON, MRS. MUNTZ. (CAT HISSES, SCREECHES) NELSON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THIS LATE? MY MOM DITCHED ME! SHE WENT TO HOLLYWOOD TO BE AN ACTRESS, BUT HER RANGE IS LIMITED! (SOBBING) OH, SHE'S STILL YOUR MOTHER. COME INSIDE. HUH? CAN I GET YOU A GLASS OF MILK? COW MILK?! UH-HUH. (SURPRISED YELL) WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY JAMMIES? I'M YOUR NEW ROOMMATE. I CALL TOP BUNK. BUT... IT'S A SINGLE BED. I SAID TOP BUNK! (SIGHS) 68 SQUARES OF ANKLE-BUSTING FURY. 9 (HUMMING) MOM, THE REASON GOD INVENTED DEAD BOLTS IS TO KEEP PEOPLE LIKE NELSON OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. BART, HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A TOOTSIE POP? YOU KNOW, THERE'S A TOUGH, CRUNCHY SHELL, BUT IF YOU LICK IT, THERE'S A DELICIOUS SWEETNESS INSIDE. BE NICE TO NELSON, AND I'LL GIVE YOU A TOOTSIE POP. MORNING, LOSERS. MRS. SIMPSON. PANCAKES, MY FAVOURITE! MM... MM... BART, EAT UP OR YOU'LL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL. I'M NOT HUNGRY. YOU HEARD THE LADY, CLEAN YOUR PLATE! (GULPING) SAVOUR IT. LET THE FLAVOURS DANCE ON YOUR PALATE. MM... MM... MM... (NERVOUS CHUCKLE): MM... TV ANNOUNCER: NEXT ON ABC, WHO'S DROPPING BY TO SEE GEORGE LOPEZ? WE PRAY IT'S YOU! OPEN. NELSON, DOESN'T THAT HURT YOUR TEETH? (GRUNTS): MY TEETH HURT ALL THE TIME. I JUST TRY TO THINK ABOUT MOTORCYCLES. I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT. TOMORROW I'M TAKING YOU TO DR. SHAPIRO. A DOCTOR FOR YOUR TEETH? WHAT'S NEXT, A LAWYER FOR YOUR HAIR? (STIFLED CHUCKLE) (OWL HOOTING) (CREAKING) NELSON: # PAPA, CAN YOU HEAR ME? # # PAPA, CAN YOU SEE ME? # # PAPA, CAN YOU FIND ME IN THE NIGHT? # # PAPA, ARE YOU NEAR ME? # # PAPA, CAN YOU HEAR ME? # # PAPA, CAN YOU HELP ME NOT BE FRIGHTENED? # # LOOKING AT THE SKIES I SEEM TO SEE A MILLION EYES # # WHICH ONES ARE YOURS? # (CRIES) I GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIM. (REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS) HUH? THIS IS THE PERFECT TEST. IF I CAN HAVE ONE DAB OF FROSTING AND THEN STOP, I'LL KNOW I'VE CONQUERED FOOD AT LAST. THAT WAS TOO EASY. (CRAZED GIGGLING) OKAY, IF I STOP HERE, I STILL HAVE SOME DIGNITY. (CRAZED CACKLING) WELL, AT LEAST SHE'S NOT SINGING STREISAND. (CACKLING) HEY LIS, STILL INSECURE ABOUT YOUR BODY? (CLEARS THROAT) YEAH, A LITTLE. THOSE MEAN GIRLS JUST GET TO ME. I UNDERSTAND. I HAVE A SISTER-- I THINK SHE'S DEAD NOW-- WHO HAD THE SAME PROBLEM. AND I KNOW JUST THE SOLUTION. SHERRI. TERRI. THE ONLY THING SWEETER THAN YOU TWO ARE THESE STOLEN COOKIES. ENJOY. (GIGGLING) THANK YOU, NELSON. (SCREAMING) (LAUGHS) (SUNG TO "JINGLE BELLS"): # SHERRI SMELLS, TERRI SMELLS # # STINKY ALL THE WAY # # STINK-STINK STINK, STINK-STINK STINK # # ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH # (YELLING) THANK YOU, NELSON. HE WHO HAW HAWS LAST, HAW HAWS BEST. I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU TEACHING THOSE MEAN GIRLS A LESSON. TOMORROW I CAN BLEACH A SWEAR WORD INTO THEIR HAIR. I'D LIKE THAT. NELSON? PAPA! YOU CAME BACK! (SOBBING) I NEVER MEANT TO LEAVE YOU, NELSON. BUT SOMETHING AWFUL HAPPENED WHEN I WENT TO THE STORE. WELL, THAT EXPLAINS A LOT. WHO'S HUNGRY? NO. I WANT TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENED AT THE STORE. WELL, I WENT IN TO BUY CIGARETTES... COULD YOU GIFT-WRAP THEM, PLEASE? THEY'RE FOR MY SON. I ALSO BOUGHT MYSELF A CANDY BAR, WHICH, UH, UNFORTUNATELY WAS FILLED WITH PEANUTS, TO WHICH I AM ALLERGIC. (MUMBLING GIBBERISH) (BELLOWING) I RAN OUTSIDE JUST AS THE CIRCUS WAS ROLLING INTO TOWN. (PERCUSSION PLAYS) (BABBLING) (LAUGHTER) BART: AND THAT'S WHERE I FOUND HIM. I BROUGHT HIM BACK HERE SO HE COULD TAKE NELSON AWAY AND MY BRUISES WOULD HEAL. I WANT TO GIVE YOU A HOME AGAIN, SON. MRS. MUNTZ: AND SO DO I. MOM! I GOT AN ACTING JOB. I PLAY LADY MACBETH. I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE MY TOP OFF, BUT I DO ANYWAY. WELL, I'M GLAD EVERYTHING WORKED OUT SO WELL. YEP. THE MUNTZES ARE BACK IN BUSINESS. YEP, THE FOUR MUNTZES. EH... THANKS FOR FINDING MY DAD, BART. AND THANKS, LADY, FOR MAKING ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. SO, NOW THAT YOU'RE HAPPY AGAIN, I GUESS YOU WON'T BEAT ME UP AT SCHOOL ANY MORE. I WISH IT WERE THAT SIMPLE. I REALLY DO. THEY'RE A FAMILY AGAIN. AND SO ARE WE. WHAT HAPPENED? (GROANS) SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO ADOPT YOUR SON'S BULLY IN ORDER TO BRING YOUR OWN FAMILY TEMPORARILY CLOSER. AND LISA, WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED? NOTHING. LIKE MANY WOMEN, I STILL HAVE AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH MY WEIGHT. BUT TALKING ABOUT THE PROBLEM IS THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS THE SOLUTION, RIGHT? I GUESS. BUT THERE'S A LONG WAY TO GO. (MUTTERS) COME ON, SAY SOMETHING CONCLUSIVE. I'M AFRAID THIS IS A VERY OPEN-ENDED PROBLEM. HOMER (GROANS): OH, OPEN-ENDED?! (CRYING): OH, COME ON, LISA. SAY EVERYTHING'S FINE. HOMER (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): EVERYTHING'S FINE. LISA: THAT WAS YOU. HOMER: PROVE IT. (HOMER CHUCKLES) CAPTIONED BY MEDIA ACCESS GROUP AT WGBH ACCESS.WGBH.ORG www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016