(dreamy music) (music continues) . . . . MAN (voice-over): Yo, not gonna lie. This sound... (apple iOS start-up note) -gets me hard as a fucking rock. But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat. Yeah, I really work my way into it, nice and easy. So I'll start off with some stills. (techno music) Then, once I'm getting into it... I start looking for a video. I never actually touch my cock till I find the right clip. Then once I do... good-bye. For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away, and the only thing in the world is those tits... that ass... the cowboy, the doggy, the money shot, and that's it, I don't got to say anything, I don't got to do anything; I just lose myself. -There's only a few things I really care about in life: my body... my pad... my ride... ...my family... -Amen. -my church... -(crowd cheering on TV) -my boys... -(shouting) ...my girls... ...and my porn. -(exhales) -I know, that last one sounds weird, but I'm just being honest. Nothing else does it for me the same way-- not even real pussy. And yo, I get plenty of that. Why do you think my boys call me The Don? -Jonny boy! -Don Jon, what's good, baby? -What up? What up? -You good? -Yeah, I'm all right. -Jonny, look at me. Is everything good with you? Fuck's the matter with this guy? -Come here! -Get the fuck off of me! Yo, yo, yo, real talk, real talk. Purple. -Yeah, it's not bad. -It's better than not bad. You ain't seen her turn around yet. -What are you calling her, a seven? -That's an eight. -At least an eight. -That is not an eight. She cute in the face. You could maybe call the face an eight; tits are, like, a four. Yeah, but the butt, man, it's exceptional. I'm telling you, it changes everything. -Aw, shit. -What? -Sequins. -Oh! -Don't look, don't look. -What? Who is that? -You don't remember her? -Bro, she's coming over here. 'Cause you're staring right at her. Well, look who the fuck it is. How you doing? Why didn't you call me back? Come on, you're a grown woman. Did you think I was gonna call you back? You're pathetic, you know that? -Every week you got a new bitch. -Uh-huh. Why'd you come home with me? Fuck you. -Eight. -No, that might be a nine. Are you shitting me? That's a seven. -You're out of your fucking mind. -Yo, I gave her the eight. Your record's still intact. Chill out. You heard what she said? Everyone knows about the streak. -You're sick; you know that, right? -I don't know what's wrong with me. Oh, my damn! -What? What? Where? -Red. -Holy shit. That's a dime. -Right? -That is a dime. -Nah, she's hot, but it's not a dime. Yo, I don't even mess with blondes like that, -but that right there is a dime! -Fuck, yeah, it is. I don't know, man, I think there might be some lasagne up in there. -I'll take some. -Definitely not. She can push it tight, you could tell. -Yeah, no, I don't know, man. -Yeah, see, he likes that skinny shit; he likes that skinny, high-fashion, looks-like-a-boy shit. -Fuck you! -You do, admit it. -He's kind of right, man, you do. -Listen, I don't like more than a handful of titty. -Yo... -No, no, no, no, no, no. A nice handful, I love it, but more than that, it's, like, nah, shit starts reminding me -of my mom or something. -Jesus Christ. Yeah, your mom do got some big-ass titties. -Don't talk about my mother. -You brought up your mother. Yeah, if you don't like that, there's something -seriously wrong with you. -I didn't say I didn't like it, -I just said it's not a dime. -That's incorrect. -Fuck it, she's taller than you anyway, right? -Oh! -Fuck you, Jonny! -I'm playing. Come on. Yo, yo, yo, you gonna get that? WOMAN: Yeah, let me get a, uh, vodka cranberry. -Jonny! -Sammy boy, how you doing? -You good? -Yeah, let me get a Grey Goose soda. (hip-hop music plays) What makes you think you could do that? -Do what? -Get the fuck out of here. Oh, you want to go somewhere? -Fuck you. -You want to fuck me? -Is that why you kissed me? -I didn't kiss you. Yeah, you did. -Stop it, I mean it. Stop it. -(laughing) Hey, come on! I'm gonna buy you a drink. It's early! Where are you going? -Where are you going? -I told you where I was going. Come on! Wait a minute! Shit! (club music blares) Yo. Headband. Nah, I don't know. (apple iOS start-up tune plays) JON (voice-over): See? This is what I'm saying. Real pussy's all good, but I'm sorry... it's not as good as porn. Tits? Great. Ass? Great. Blowjob? Sure, it's fucking fantastic in person. If she'll do it. (car engine revs) (engine roars, tyres screeching) (dubstep music) Aw, Jesus. What are you, fucking retarded?! You're fucking retarded! You're a retarded person, and you're driving a fucking car! (church bells chiming) (church bell tolling) (organ playing quietly) (keypad clicking quietly) JON (voice-over): In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. -PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. JON: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession. -Tell me your sins. -Since last Sunday, I had sexual relations out of wedlock two times. I also watched pornographic videos and masturbated 17 times. For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry. -Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. -Thank you, Father. PRIEST (voice-over): Through the ministry of the church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name -of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. -Amen. MAN: Bullshit! Bullshit! Did you see that? That was fucking bullshit! Bad call! -Jesus fucking Christ! -Jon! Fucking bullshit. Did you see that? -Nah, I didn't see it. What happened? -They'll do a replay. They better do a fucking replay, unless they just don't want us to see how bad that fucking call was. Why don't you get that thing -where you can pause it? -Hey, assholes, -where's the replay? -Dad, you know that -there's a thing where you can pause and rewind. -The fuck are you talking about? It's all digital. You just rewind and watch it again. -I'm not taping this. -No, I know you're not -taping it! -Are you people serious? -No fucking replay?! -Dad, I'm not talking about a VCR. Well, how do I know what the fuck you're talking about? I don't know, I guess 'cause most American people have heard of TiVo. Most people that pay attention to the world around them. Here it is, here it is! Shut up already, finally. -Shit! -You seriously never heard of that? Yes! I've heard of it. Jesus fucking... There! Look, look! Look, his foot's on the line! -Look at that bullshit! -Jon, all right, already! All right, so if you've heard of it, then what is it? - Did you see that fucking bullshit? - Dad, I'm asking you a question. It's the fucking thing for... There, did you see that? I'm asking you, did you? -Nah, I didn't see it. -Well, why not?! The fuck's the matter with you?! I said, look at this play! I said it right to ya! I ask you to do the easiest fucking thing, -and you can't do it! -At least I know what a fucking TiVo is. Hey, I know what a fucking TiVo is. You want a fucking TiVo, is that what you're saying? I would love a fucking TiVo. -Who do you love? -He loves TiVo. Sure as shit don't love football, we know that. SPORTS ANNOUNCER: Indeed. And Meyers with a big leg can definitely make a field goal from here, so they will definitely, uh... One of these days, I'm gonna sit down here and start eating and you're gonna say, -"Mom, I found her." -Ma. Jesus, Ma. One of these days. (quietly): Holy Mary... Mother of God... be with us now... at the hour of our death. Amen. (exhales) Hail Mary... full of grace... (voice-over): All right, I'll admit, there are some downsides. -(woman moaning over video) Like there's the times you find a great clip with a hot chick, and right when you're starting to come, -it shows the guy. -(man moaning) (grunting loudly) Aw, fuck! Goddamn it! (voice-over): It's no one's fault, really, but it still sucks, so... -(apple iOS start-up tune plays) -Also, nowadays, you got so much to choose from, finding just the right clip can take a lot of time. And my time is precious to me. I mean, I got shit to do. -WOMAN (over video): Hmm? -So... -(apple iOS start-up tune plays) -And every once in a while, you find a clip that's so good, it's fucking depressing; and you're thinking to yourself, why can't real pussy be like this? You know, I smash new girls all the fucking time-- always an eight or better-- and it's still never this good. -What am I doing wrong? -(moaning) Maybe it's time to try something new. -So... -(woman speaks foreign language) (knocking) (rapid knocking) -Yo, you remember that dime from last week? -Oh, shit. What, the blonde in the dress? She was insane, bro. You hit that? You know I didn't, you fucking alcoholic. I saw you after she left. -Hey, fuck you, Jonny! -I thought you made it happen. Nah, I threw it to this other random. -That's typical. -Probably like an eight or nine. -Six or seven. -You shut the fuck up! Who'd you take home, huh? Twos and threes, baby. I'm telling you, twos and threes are some open-minded ladies. I want to find that girl. You get her name? Her name? First and last name. I'm looking for her name-- first and last name. Shit, I don't know. You know who would? (indistinct chatter) Barbara Sugarman. Sugarman? Thanks, bro. Okay, what was it again? Barbara Sugarman. All right, you see her anywhere? No. -Oh, shit. -That's her? That's definitely her! Oh, gotcha, bitch! All right, what you want to say, man? -You probably got to say something. -Shit, really? Yeah. Girl that bad, she gets mad friend requests. -Fuck! -I think it's dinner. Maybe even lunch. -You might have take this girl out for coffee. -Aw, Christ! Yeah, this is the long game, son. You're not getting that butt from Barbara Sugarman any time in the immediate future. If you had it like that, it would've went down already. Oh, you're right, you're totally right. -Shit! -I know. I was about to say, the mighty Don bringing out the long game? I mean, she's a dime, but... -Oh, this girl's more than a dime, bro. -Come on, son, there's no such thing. That's the point. It's a scale from one to ten. -I'm saying, this girl... -Oh, my God! What, are you in love with this girl already? Go fuck yourself. (people chattering quietly) -Hi. -Can I help you? Yeah. Two for lunch. Sure. Right this way. (romantic orchestral music) (music continues) Hey. How are you? Good, good. How you been? How'd you get my Facebook? -Oh, getting right to it. -Yeah. I just looked up your name. -I didn't tell you my name. -Well, obviously you did, -'cause I looked it up. -No, I definitely -did not tell you my name. -Yeah, you did. -I think I would remember that. -Well, no offense, but you were pretty wasted the other night. -I mean, so was I. -Can I get you guys some drinks? -Yeah, a Diet Coke, please. -Yeah, Coke. Coke and a Diet Coke. I'll be right back to take your order. All right, I had a few drinks the other night, so I may not have remembered telling you my first name, but I definitely did not tell you my last name. -I'm telling you... -Don't lie to me. -Hey... -Look, you don't know me, so I'm gonna let you off the hook this time, but trust me, in the future, you'll be much happier if -you always tell me the truth. -Wait, wait, wait. I'll be happier? What, you don't think I could make you happy if I wanted to? So, how'd you find out my name? -I asked around? -Yeah? You asked around about me? -Yeah. -That's interesting. -Why? -Why? -What do you mean, why? -Why'd you ask around about me? -'Cause I wanted to. -What, you wanted -to take me to lunch? -Yeah. -Don't lie. -Okay, I asked around about you 'cause I want to fuck your brains out. That what you want me to say? (laughs) Well, at least you're being honest now. All right, let me ask you a question. Why'd you come here, huh? Why'd you say yes to me? -That's a very good question. -Yeah, so? So you're just gonna have to wait to find out. -All right, I got time. -Really? You got time? -Mm-hmm. -'Cause you seemed like you were in a big hurry the other day. Yeah, I can be that way when I'm shit-faced. You're cute. I like you. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Listen, you want to know the truth? This is the truth. You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. You like movies? JON (voice-over): I don't watch too many movies. I used to watch them a lot when I was a little kid, before I could get my hands on any porn. 'Cause back then, if I wanted to see a really hot girl, my best bet was to watch a movie. That's the one you like? Oh, it's so great. I love these two, huh? Yeah. They're great. JON (voice-over): But now... I don't really see the point. I don't know, I guess I'm missing something. 'Cause most people... eat that shit up. The pretty woman. The pretty man. Love at first sight. -MAN: Hi. -The first kiss. -The breakup. -WOMAN: I felt that! -The makeup. -MAN: I'm scared. The expensive wedding. -And they drive off into the sunset. -(whooping) And everyone knows it's fake, but they watch it like it's real fucking life. (romantic music swells) Oh, she was the most important thing to him; he gave up everything for her. It was just meant to be. I love movies like that. Yeah, was great. Oh. He's just such a real man. She's so beautiful, too, always. -Her? -Yeah. -Nah, she's too skinny. -(chuckles) What? Want to know who's beautiful? (romantic orchestral music) (fireworks whistling, exploding) (fireworks whistling, exploding) What makes you think you could do that? Do what? . (birds chirping) (church bells chiming) JON (voice-over): In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. PRIEST: Amen. -Bless you, my son. -Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week -since my last confession. -Tell me your sins. Since last Sunday, I did not have sexual relations out of wedlock. I did kiss a girl, this one girl, out of wedlock... several times, but, uh, it's just kissing. I don't know, I forget if that counts. Uh... Uh, also, I watched pornographic videos and masturbated 22 times. For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry. PRIEST: Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. -Thank you, Father. -Through the ministry of the church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name -of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. -Amen. # I got a fever. # An inflammation, that's what I got. # You're turning the heat on me. # I like it hot. # Cool down the engine, ring up the station. # I am on the spot. TV ANNOUNCER: Introducing the charbroiled, not fried, codfish sandwich, only at Carl's Jr. and Hardee's. # Love burns you up the most. More than just a piece of meat. # Oh, baby, I like it hot. # Go! Go! Jesus. It's a yellow light! Fuck you! (commercial playing over radio) Our Father... who art in heaven... hallowed be thy name... Thy Kingdom come... Thy will be done... on Earth... as it is in heaven... (both moaning) No, no. No? What? -Not out here. -So let's go inside. -Mm-mm. -Why not? It's not time for that yet. You sure? Yeah, we barely know each other. Yeah, we do, pretty much. (moaning continues) I don't know your friends. My friends? I want to meet your friends. Oh, those guys are assholes. -Yeah? -Yeah. And you don't know my friends. Um... Or our families. Wait, our families? Yeah. I want to meet your parents and your sister. -Oh, Jesus. -What? You don't want to meet my brothers and my sister? Um... (moans) 'Cause I know they want to meet you. Yeah. I bet they do. (moaning continues) (keys jingling) (sighs): Oh. Mm-hmm. Jon? Yeah? I can't let you come inside just yet. No? No, 'cause I don't know what that would mean, you know? Oh. And I don't want to do anything unless it means something. Uh-huh. Don't you think it's always better when it means something? Yeah. I think you should go back to school, baby. Yeah-- What? Yeah, come on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just a night class. Oh, my God. -Just get your degree. -Oh. You would be so sexy with a real job. (moaning continues) Yeah? So, what do you say you, me and our friends, we go out sometime, huh? -Oh, yeah. -Yeah? -Yeah. -And our families meet, huh? -Oh, yeah. Yeah. -Yeah? And you take one night class for me, baby? Huh? One little class? Huh? Yeah? -Oh! -Yeah? -Yeah! -Come on, baby, come. Come. (grunting loudly) (panting) (moans) Nice. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. (panting) (moans) You're so cute. Call me. (panting continues) (sighs softly) (apple iOS start-up tune plays) (grunting) -Baby. -Baby, what? Oh, baby. -Baby. -You guys having a good time over there? Listen, you little bitch, I don't want to hear it, all right? -Jesus Christ. A toast. Let's make a toast. Everyone listen up. You get up, too, come on. -What? -This is for you. Come on. -Get up. -Oh, God. All right, you guys know tonight is me and this girl's one month anniversary. And I'm counting that from the first time I ever saw her, 'cause ever since then, I've felt the same way. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. To you, baby. -No, us, honey. -To us. Mwah. Cheers. ALL: Cheers! God bless. -So, what's he do? Oh, he's in school. Oh, the family's got money? No, no, he's got a job. -Retail? -No. -Service? -Yeah, but... Well, he's definitely been spending some time at the gym. -Right? I know. He is so disciplined. Do you guys work out together? -Mm-mm. No. -Oh. Does he do that muscle guy thing where he's, like, looking at himself while you're doing it? Oh. We haven't done it yet. Shit, really? Oh, my God. That's so amazing! All right, I like him. Goddamn! White shorts. -JON: Nah. -What?! -Come on, that's a dime. -That's not a dime. Well, I'm sorry, but I'd rather do that than do yours. You faggot motherfucker. Hey, I can like any girl I want to like. All right, but she's not hotter than my girl. To you, maybe not, but to me... Oops, look at that. Sorry, buddy. -(women chattering) -Hey, fuck you, Jonny! -That's why, that's why... -Oh. Hi. (sirens wailing in distance) (sighs) Shit. So, uh... (sports announcer speaking indistinctly over TV) -Sort of seeing this girl. -(coughs) -ANGELA: What did you say? -What do you mean, -what'd I say? I just.. -Did you say... She asked you what you said. What's the matter with that? I couldn't understand you, either. Why don't you speak up and talk like a human being? -Jon, shush. Jonny? -What's your problem? What? Did you say you found her? -Well, I said I'm... -Oh, my God! What's her name? What's her name? Barbara. Barbara. Barbara what? -JON SR.: Here we go. -Shh. Barbara what? Barbara Sugarman. Sugarman? She a Jew? I don't think so. Well, what, you don't know? Well, we haven't really talked... She's not Italian; we know that. -Sugarman. She black? -No. Well, what does she look like? She's the most beautiful thing I've seen in my life. -Oh, boy. -Baby, oh! (laughs) That's the sweetest thing I ever heard anybody say. -(Jon Sr. groans) -And does she love you? Hey, wait a minute, love him? What, are you kidding me? -Jon, shush! -They're kids for Christ's sake! -So what? -JON: Hey, you know what? Don't call me a kid, all right? We've talked about this. -I don't appreciate it. -Oh, excuse me. -Jon... -Dad, I'm asking you nicely. What, to not call you a kid? You're a fucking kid. -Jon! -Fuck you! -Fuck me? Did you just say fuck me to me?! Jon! He said they're in love. They're in love. It doesn't matter how old they are. He's older than you were when we got married. You know that? For God's sake, he's your son. You love this girl? Yes, I do. All right, well, when do we get to meet her? Oh! All right, Mom, okay. (laughs) Oh! WOMAN: Bella? Sweetheart, come over here. Come on, let me fix your lipstick. Here we go. (smacks lips) -You look so beautiful. -Thank you. -Can I get you a refill there, Mrs. Sugarman? Oh, my goodness, Jon, you didn't have to do that. -No, it's my pleasure. -Thank you. -Jon? -Huh? Jon, you meet Daryl? Oh, wow. Come here. You want to hold him? -Uh, yeah, I don't know. -Yeah? -Come here. -Oh. -Here you go, babe. -Okay. -Wow. -Yeah. -Is that good? -(baby coos) -Yeah. Yeah. -Is that right? You look so cute, the two of you. (both panting) (moans) MAN (in distance): Barbara? How long we been up here for? Not long. Well, I got to go, we got to go. Come on, let's go. -Come on. Come on. -No, no, no. -Come on, come on, come on. -(sighs) Close the door. Okay, let's, uh, take a break. And when we get back, we'll go over the course syllabus. -(students chattering) -(phone vibrating) Hey. BARBARA: Baby, how is it? It's great. -Yeah? You're on break? -Yeah. How did you know? Um, your schedule's online. -Oh. -Baby, I'm just so proud of you. Thanks. -Baby? -Yeah? Can I come over when you're done? You want to come to my place? -Mm-hmm. -What, tonight? Yeah. Okay, great. All right, you get back to class, you sexy man, you. -All right. -Bye, baby. Okay, bye. (woman sobbing quietly) (sobbing) (mutters): Jesus fucking Christ. (sighs) Excuse me. Sorry. Oh, fuck, I'm sorry. It's fine. Fine. It's okay. (sniffling) Oh. Fuck. . (door creaks) Hi, baby. Hey. (romantic orchestral music) -(quietly): It's okay. -Mm, baby. (apple iOS start-up music plays) JON (voice-over): I'm in love with Barbara. I am. And tonight, I finally got to fuck her. But I'm sorry to say, it's still not as good as porn. Tits? Best ever. Ass? Best ever. Blow job? Yeah, good luck. A girl that hot, she doesn't have to give head. -MAN: Oh, yeah. -(woman moans) For her, she just wants to go from kissing to naked kissing to fucking. -(gasps) -Or, you know, "making love." And when I say "making love," I mean... missionary fucking. -No doggie, no cowboy... -(moaning) -BARBARA: What the fuck are you doing? -Baby! -What the fuck are you doing? -I was just reading e-mails. No, you weren't. You were watching porno. -That's not what that was. -No, I saw you. -Yeah, but, baby... -Don't call me that. Oh, my God, that's the most disgusting thing -I've ever seen in my life. -Wait, don't go. -Don't go right now, please. -I don't even know what that is. -I swear to God... -You know what that is? -That's sick. -Yeah, but, baby, I'm telling you... -Don't call me that! -Okay, fine, but I'm telling you, that thing I was watching was just a joke! Some dumb-ass buddy of mine sent it to me as a joke! Come on! You think I'm the kind of guy that watches porn? No, you didn't seem like that type. That's gross. Right. 'Cause fucking losers watch porn. Guys that can't get laid. Well, no. My-my friends, their boyfriends are watching porno on the Internet all the time; it's fucking disgusting, so... It's fucking stupid is what that is; why would they watch porn when they can get with a real girl? So you don't do that normally, no? No. So, when was the last time you did that before this? I don't even know; when I was a kid or something. You're never gonna do it again? No. Why would I? You promise? I promise. Baby... I love you. (sighs) Ah, come here. (apple iOS start-up music plays) JON (voice-over): It's not that I can't stop. I just figure, why should I? I mean, all right, my girlfriend doesn't like it. So she doesn't have to know about it. It's not like I'm cheating on her. I don't do it when she's around. And everything's fine. She has been spending a lot of time in my place though. So I looked into it. -(moaning) -And it's pretty amazing how easy it is to get porn on the go these days. So... (gasping) (audio muted) WOMAN: Excuse me? -Um, sorry, were you... were you on your phone? -No. -I'm Esther. -Good to meet you. What's your name? Jon. Um, I hope I'm not bothering you. -Oh, no, it's fine. -I just... I just wanted to apologize. I don't know if you remember, y-you caught me at kind of an inopportune moment last week. -Huh? -When I was sobbing by the door? Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm sorry about that. No, please don't... please... don't you apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. I just... I felt like I should say something. -Okay. Well... -Because I've been thinking about it, you know, a lot actually, and I-I realized that, you know, nobody's seen me like that in, like, um, six months, and it's not like... it's not like it's a rare... TEACHER: Good evening, everyone. (whispering): ...a rare occurrence. I mean, I... I do that all the time. I'm crying all the time. It's just something that I do in private now. Um, and on the one hand, I mean, you know, you go there when you go there; on the other hand, it's really fucked up to keep it hidden. Right? So... so that's what became clear to me when you startled me. Which you didn't... you didn't mean to startle me, you just walked by, but I just sort of wanted to say thank you. -(teacher speaking indistinctly) -Were you, um... I'm sorry, uh, this might be rude, but were you just watching people fucking on your phone? -What?! -It's okay if you were. No, I'm not judging you. -No! Look, lady, I'm just here to take this class. Did you just call me "lady"? So, you take care. Oh, yeah, sorry. Say no more. I'm... I'm sorry. -No, it's fine. -Yeah? JON: What, are you fucking kidding me?! You're fucking kidding me, right?! -Baby! -What? MAN (over radio): ...you'll have no problem tackling whatever... MAN (over radio): ...the best parts, the most knowledgeable sales staff and best of all, the best prices on all the things you need to keep you... Um, I feel like I should leave my jacket in the car, but maybe I'll-- should I bring it? Yeah, whatever you want. Oh, man, I'm just nervous a little bit, that's all. -Why are you nervous? -I don't know... You got nothing to be nervous about. You look beautiful. Mwah. -All right. -Oh, God, you look beautiful. (laughs) Mm... -Are you ready? -Yeah. -Go ahead, baby. -All right. -Hi, Mom. -Hi. Oh, hello, hello! You must be Barbara. Hi, Mrs. Martello. Here, for you. Thank you! And please call me Angie. Come in, come in. Jon! Jonny's here! -Come say hello to your son! -(sportscast playing over TV) -Please. -Let me get by you there, babe. -Yeah. Dad, I would like you to meet Barbara. -Baby, this is my dad. -Hi, Mr. Martello. Yeah, good to meet you. Jesus... -ANGELA: Jon! -...Christ. Well, no, I... I wasn't expecting such a lovely lady, that's all. Oh, thank you. So nice to finally -meet you both. -My pleasure, my pleasure. Well, please sit down, and, uh, I will be right back. Can I help you with anything at all? Oh! I love her already. Yes, please, sweetie, come on. -JON: You want me to take that, babe? -Yeah. (TV continues indistinctly) -Hey there, Jonny boy. -She's cute, right? Are you fucking kidding me? You didn't tell me you were bringing home -a piece of ass like that! -I told you, she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, you told me, but, I mean, Jesus Christ-- those tits, they're real? -Yeah, they're real. -(grunting): Oh! -Fuck me. -ANGELA: Did you clear the table? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here, honey. Let me move this here so you can... put that right there, huh? -In here? Right here? -Right there. That's... that's perfect. BARBARA: So, tell me... tell me, how did it go? ANGELA: I was out with some girlfriends. We went to see some band. Back then, you used to see bands when you went out. Honey, what band was it? You think I remember? It's 28 years ago. And I didn't even give a shit then. (chuckles) Anyway, I saw him early in the night. I don't know if he saw me till later, but I saw him. I saw her. -You couldn't miss her. -(chuckles) She was like you. -Thank you. -JON SR.: Nah, and you know what I said? Listen to this. I said right then, right when I saw her, I said... "That's mine." Oh, God. ANGELA: Yep. And he was right. Can you bel... That's beautiful. Whoa, big play! Look at that! (laughs) Okay, Jon. -All right, Dad. -All right, yeah. -Hey, good job, big guy. -Bye, sweetie. -So nice to meet you. -Oh, bye. Thank you for everything. -Thank you. -Bye, Mr. Martello. -Hey, please, call me Jon. -Oh, thanks. -(laughs) -Okay, Mom. -You ready, babe? -Oh, bye. -Bye-bye. -Bye. Bye-bye. Hey, hey, drive safe. -I love her! I love her! -Yeah. Yeah, pretty good, huh? Not bad at all. -(birds chirping) -(church bells chiming) JON (voice-over): In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. JON: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession. PRIEST: Tell me your sins. All right, since last Sunday, I had sexual intercourse out of wedlock seven times, but... I stopped watching porn. (slaps leg) Yeah, no more of that, just the intercourse now. -(slaps leg) -So... for these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry. PRIEST: Five Lord's Prayers and five Hail Marys. -Thank you, Father. -Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name -of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. -Amen. TEACHER: Very good. Okay, when we come back, we'll go over employee personality testing. Go ahead, take a break. Hi. -Mind if I sit down? -Oh. You know, actually... -I brought you something. -You what? -Yeah. -What's that? -Here, open it. -No, I don't want to take that from you. -No, no, open it. No. -Come on. It's just something silly. It's just a little thing. -Go ahead. -Okay. All right, I'll open it. -What the fuck is this? -It's actually pretty good. What is the matter with you? -Have you seen it? -Are you crazy? It was made by this Danish woman in the '70s. It's probably not what you're used to looking at, but it's... it's pretty hot. Okay. Look, I have a girlfriend, all right? -So... -I'm sorry, did you think I was hitting on you? -Because I'm not. -Well, you should take this. I-I didn't mean for it to be such a big thing. I just thought you could use something better than that shit you're watching on your phone. (scoffs) Am I right? If you have a girlfriend, why are you watching dirty movies? -What? -I'm just asking. You're fucking weird, you know that? I don't entirely disagree, but you're the one who's gonna go pretend you're texting while you watch people pretend they're fucking on your phone. Lady, the shit I watch on here, they're not pretending. Of course they are. . (grunting): Forgive us our trespasses... as we forgive those... who trespass against us. And lead us not... into temptation... but deliver us from evil... -Baby. -Huh? What are you doing? You talking to yourself? -Yo, Jonny, you coming out tonight? -That's dubious. Nah, I'm just gonna wait for Barbara to call. -We're gonna meet up for dinner. -This fucking guy. Come on! What'd you think he was gonna say? I don't know, I thought maybe he still had a pair of balls hanging between his legs. Bro, you sound so fucking stupid to me right now, -I feel sorry for you. -Fuck you, Jon. No, I do. I feel sorry for you. You never been in love before, so you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Hold up, wait a minute. "In love"? Yeah. When you really love a girl, there's a lot that goes -into it. -So you're saying you love her? What you mean? Of course I love her. I never heard you say you loved her. JON: Then you weren't paying attention, bro. I've been in love with this girl since the first time I saw her. Why would I want to go out and try to pull randoms? None of 'em are gonna look as good as my girl. None of 'em are gonna fuck me as good as my girl. -Really? -Yeah, really. -So she's good? -What'd I just say? Yeah, she's good. She's the best! So, you titty-fuck her? Bro, she lets me do whatever the fuck I want. See, this is what I'm trying to tell you, if you would listen to me. I'm telling you guys something. You be a man, you do the right thing, you find the right girl, and you treat her the right way, watch what happens. Best sex of your life. Hey, baby. -Hey. -Hi, you. I love it when you wear this shit. Oh, you're crazy. -You good? -Yeah. You order anything yet? -Nah, I waited for you. -Mmm. Sweet. (woman moans) -Oh, fuck. -What, who's that? It's Linda. She's been fighting with Chris. I don't think they're gonna work out. -Oh, yeah? -You remember Linda and Chris, yeah? -Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah, I thought they were cute together, no? Sure. They seemed, uh... they seemed pretty good. Yeah, well, she's 28 years old, she put, like, four years into the guy already; it's terrible. (woman moans) How'd you get off work tonight? I got Stevie to cover my shift. -Stevie? -Yeah, he needed the hours. -I don't think I know Stevie, no? -Nah, I don't think you ever met him. Oh, I wish somebody would cover for me. See? What'd I tell you? The service industry. -(chuckles) -It's not a bad thing. Come on, you're gonna look so good in a suit. -Mm, I don't know. -What? Please. If Armando can do it; that man is such an asshole. (woman moans) Treats women like they're trash, but... he makes six figures. Well, he's got a pretty good life, no? If he could do it, you could do it. (woman moans) Hey, baby. You're a winner. -All right? You respect people. -(woman moaning) You listen to people. -You think so? -(clicks tongue) I know so, mister. (woman moaning loudly) (glass squeaking) (tyres screech) -(horn honks) -Well, fucking go then! Fuck! (people chattering quietly) (gentle guitar music) (music continues) (phone vibrating) Hey, babe. I don't know which ones to get, baby. What do you think? Uh, well, it depends, really. You gonna drill into your wall? I don't know. You don't have a drill, do you? -No. -No. I didn't think so. Listen, my dad's got a pretty good one. If you want me, I can borrow his, I'll do it for you. Oh, you're gonna drill into my wall for me, huh? Whatever you want, baby. Mm. Listen, you decide what colour. I'm gonna meet you at the registers. Just want to pick up a few things in cleaning products, okay? What? Where you going? -What? -Where you going? Nah, I'm almost out of Swiffer pads. I'm just gonna pick a few up. -What pads? What? -The Swiffer. -I don't know what that is. -You don't know the Swiffer? -What is that? No. -Seriously? Oh, babe, it's the best. You got to try it. What do you do for your floors? You got those nice floors in your place-- what, do you mop? No. What do you do? I don't know, I sweep it up with a broom. No, I mean, to really clean it. I don't know, the housekeeper does it. Oh, right. Yeah. Listen, I'll just be a second, okay? -No, no, buh-buh-buh, come here. -What? You're not gonna go buy a mop right now-- -it's embarrassing, okay? -No, babe, I told you, -it's not a mop, it's these pads. -I don't care. You shouldn't be doing your own housework anyway. -Why not? -'Cause you're a grown man. I mean, you shouldn't be cleaning your own floors. -Why? I enjoy doing it. -Look, you know what? I'll call Rosa for you. She'll do your place. -Who? -Rosa, my cleaning lady. She's great. Aw, babe, no. Thanks, but, uh, -I like doing it myself. -What, you kidding me? -Come on, you don't got to be doing that. -Nah, babe, she won't do it right anyway. You got to vacuum my carpet a certain way or else... Don't talk about vacuuming in front of me. Come on. -Why? What's wrong? -Why? Because it's not sexy, -that's why. -Babe, you're not listening to me. I like my place, okay? I'm proud of it. I like to take care of it. I don't care. We're not having this discussion right now. -No, listen, there's only a few things I really care about... We're not talking about this anymore. -Fine, let's drop it. -Good. Those ones. You want those? Yeah. Come here. Listen to me. When we're living together, you're not... gonna be doing... any cleaning. Come on. Jon? Excuse me. Look, I-I know you don't want to talk to me, and I would totally leave you alone, but I swear to God, I just fell asleep during that entire class. The whole fucking thing. -(chuckles) -Can I copy your notes? Look, I'd ask somebody else, but everyone in the class, they're, like, children. I mean, I mean, I'm not calling you old. It'll take, like, five minutes. -Yeah. -Do you mind? Fine. Thank you so much. Look, do you want to go somewhere? There's a cafe... My girlfriend's waiting at home, so... Uh, oh, okay. Well, then I'll... Okay, I'll do this. (sighs) (car door closes) I really shouldn't get so high after lunch if I'm gonna be coming here later. Probably right. It is pretty boring, don't you think? What? I said this class is pretty fucking boring. Oh. Yep. Like they're teaching you to be a robot. Why are you here? Hmm? Why'd you pick this class? I didn't. What? Nah, it seemed like a good idea. I'm in the service industry now. -Oh, you mean you're a waiter? -No. Bartender? Yeah, so if you want to move up, -you got to go to school. -Right. But, um, what do you mean you didn't... you didn't pick this class? No, I did. -Somebody pick it for you? -No. Was it your parents or your girlfriend? -What is it with you? Huh? -Well, no, I just... -I was just wondering. -You know, I'm doing something polite. That's mine. Okay. Sorry. Jesus. -(chuckles) -(engine starts) Oh, man. Oh, God. (engine revving) (tyres screeching) Hey, baby. Hi, Jon. Oh, what's wrong? Remember when we first started dating? What's the one thing I asked? I said don't lie to me. All right, who's talking shit about me? -What'd they say? -Nobody said anything. Well, you got to help me out here 'cause I don't know... You looked at 46 porno sites today, Jon-- just today. (chuckles) I don't know what you're talking about. Don't fucking lie to me. Hey, I don't know who told you... Nobody said anything; it's right there in your history, all right? All you do is look at porno. -What... -That's all you fucking do. Wait, wait, wait, wait. My what? It's in your history. In your browser. Oh, come on, don't tell me you don't know what your history is, huh? No, of course you don't, 'cause if you did, you would've erased it like a good little phony. Here. There. Go ahead. Look. Go ahead. Baby, I... Please-- no, don't call me that. I love you. Don't ever say that to me ever again. What do you want me to say? What do I want you to say, huh? How about, uh, "I'm sorry I've been lying to you since the first day that we started dating," huh? How about that? -I'm sorry, I am. -How about, "I'm sorry I have more sex with that thing than I do with my girlfriend"? All right, first of all, everybody watches porn, okay? All guys. Any guy tells you he doesn't watch porn -is fucking lying to you. -You are so full of shit! -Second of all... -You are full of shit. Second of all, you know damn well we do it all the fucking time! -Yeah, I know we do. -Whenever you want! So what the fuck is wrong with you?! What the fuck are you doing, huh?! How do you watch that shit, huh? I don't know, okay?! I don't know! How do you watch all the stupid -fucking movies that you watch? -What? Movie? How do I watch movies? What are you talking about? Just saying, you probably watch that shit as much -as I watch porn. -But what are you saying? -That has nothing to do with anything. -I'm just saying. Well, Jon... Movies and porno are different, Jon! They give awards for movies! They give awards for porn, too. Oh, shut up! Shut the fuck up. I can't even believe we're talking about this. I'm sorry. Jesus. Look, stop it. I don't know. I-I don't know what's wrong with me. I, uh... I'm sorry, okay? I... I'm sorry. I am, I'm sorry. Damn it! I really liked you, you know? I thought you were different. But you're not. (door closes) You might only drive short distances to work each day. You might not drive your car to work at all. You might park securely at work. Or these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. Or you work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we get that everyone's not the same, so we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. Call: Or go to youi.co.nz today. (apple iOS start-up music plays) JON (voice-over): So, up until now, my record was ten in one day. And for a long time, I thought I'd never beat that, but today, I hit 11. (women moaning) And, you know, when I have great fucking days like this, it just reminds me how much I love being single. -(women moaning) -I do what I want, when I want. I don't have to flake on my friends anymore. (moaning continues) I don't have to waste my time in a fucking classroom. It just feels good, you know? Like, like I got my old life back. (moaning continues) I mean, you think I could've hit 11 when I was with Barbara? No, definitely not. So... (sighs) Jonny boy! Oh, Jesus, bro. I can smell it on you already. -Just got to catch up, baby. -You mean I got to buy your poor ass a fucking drink, right? Yo, yo, the Don mad anxious tonight. Fuck you. Where's wifey? Oh, fuck that bitch. -Oh, shit! -Goddamn. -Okay. -All right, all right. You can't have this one, 'cause I saw her first, but check out pink. JON: Yeah, she's all right. (hip-hop music plays) Yeah, fuck you, buddy! MAN: Fuck you! What'd you say?! Huh?! What the fuck did you just say?! Hey, you want to say something, shit, let's hear it, you fat fuck! -What'd you say?! -I said fuck you! Oh, fuck me, huh? Fuck me?! That what you said?! Huh?! Huh?! You... -Aah! Fuck! -(horns honking) Goddamn it! Fuck! (organ playing) (keypad clicking) JON (voice-over): In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. JON: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession. -Jonny, where were you? -Don't worry about it. -What did you do to your... -Mom, it's fine. It's fine. -Shh. -Hey, hush yourself. Mom, it's fine, okay? It's fine. PRIEST (voice-over): Tell me your sins. Father, uh, I don't know what happened, but I guess I lost my temper, and I... I punched through this guy's window on my way here right now. I didn't hurt anybody, but... yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me. Uh, also, I watched pornographic videos and masturbated 35 times. For these and all the sins in my life, I am sorry. PRIEST: 20 Lord's Prayers and 25 Hail Marys. Thank you, Father. PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace. I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. So, Barbara couldn't come tonight? Nah, she had this family thing tonight, but, uh, she wanted to make it; she just couldn't. She told me to say hello to you guys for her. That's sweet. Everything good with the two of you? Yeah, she's great. She's a catch, Jonny. JON SR.: Beautiful girl. (chuckles) I'm telling you, a woman like that will make a boy into a man. Eh, I can see it on you, too. It's starting. (grunting): Holy Mary... mother of God... pray for us sinners... now... and at the hour of our death. Amen. (panting) (knocking on door) Great job. (knocking continues) (mutters): What the fuck? (sighs) The fuck you doing here? Damn, really? Bro, I'm busy. Word. What you doing? Right. Just 'cause you don't pick up your phone don't make you busy. You smashed up somebody's car? Who told you that? Uh, Kerry's sister said she heard you broke through some cat's window. Well, did you? -Guy was a fucking asshole. -Why? What'd he do? -Why are you taking his side? -I'm not taking his side. -Yeah, you are. -Stop and think for a second. -Well... -Stop and think for a second. I don't care about that guy. I don't give a damn about his car. Fuck him. What do you think I'm doing here, man? You want to have a seat? -Bro, honestly... -Man, sit your ass down. All right, now, what happened with your girl? Ah, fuck that bitch. You said that already. -What, she drop you? -No. No? What, you drop her after all that? -She cheat on you? -No. -So what happened? -Nothing. So fucking stupid. That what I'm saying, she's a bitch. Whatever. Oh, so she did drop your ass. What'd you do, man? You cheat on her? No! (sighs) All right, you want to hear this shit? It's so fucking retarded. She caught me watching porn. -That's it? -Right? -That's bullshit. -Swear to God. Oh, my God! Okay, hold on, hold on, all right. So after all that obligatory shit, the friend-mixing and meeting her folks, she just walks in on you, you know, just beating your meat to a little video, and she's out? You don't know her, dude. She's crazy; she's a princess. -Goddamn. -I know. No, for real, that's, like, some crazy bullshit right there. Fuck that bitch. Yeah, fuck that bitch. But, yo, you still gonna finish that class? Really? What are you, my mom? No, I just thought it was almost done. How much longer you got? TEACHER: All right, everyone, three more weeks until the final. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to e-mail me. Have a good night. (people chattering quietly) -Hey. -Hi. Where you going? To my car. (both grunting, moaning) JON: Oh, shit. ESTHER: Oh, whoa, okay. -No, we're fine. -All right. We're fine, we're fine. (grunting, moaning resumes) Oh, my God. Should've smoked this before. You might have relaxed a little. Fuck is that supposed to mean? I'm playing with you. Trust me, I'm a perfectly satisfied customer. Want some? Nice. So, I'm parked all the way on the other side. -I don't know if you want... -No, yeah. No, I know, you want to get back. Just let me enjoy this, and I'll drive you back to your car. Okay. So, what happened with your girlfriend? Oh, fuck that bitch. Oh, that bad? Did she find somebody else? No. You want to know what happened? I-I'll tell you what happened. She snooped around on my computer. She found out I watch porn. I told her every fucking guy watches porn. She didn't believe me. She-she acted like I was cheating on her or something, which I wasn't. So we broke up. -(sighs) -Well, you know what? I'm glad we did. Just porn, huh? -Yeah. -I don't buy it. No, I'm telling you, that's all. Was it just once? Oh. Okay, so she caught you once, which is why you were watching it on your phone at school, 'cause you were hiding it from her. Then she caught you the second time. I-I don't know. Am I right? I'm just guessing, but... Oh, God. You're like a junkie. You can't stop. Mm. How often do you watch it? -Fuck do you care? -No, like, every day? Every guy watches porn every day. Oh, all right. Um, when was the last time you went a day without it? -I don't know. -Well, no, come-- try and think. -Seriously, I have no idea. -No, like, like, this week? Like, like, this month? No, I like my porn, okay? I watch it every day. I always have. I mean, maybe when I was a kid, like, before I had a VCR in my room and I couldn't. But even then, I had Playboys. -So... -Oh. You ever thought about quitting? Quit... You're talking about, like... -All right, no. -No, why would I? I mean, okay, let me ask you this. You're a good-looking guy. I'm sure you attract a lot of young ladies. -Um... -Why-why bother with porn when you can have the real thing? Oh, see, it's not the same thing. I mean, real pussy's all good, but... No offense. No, no, no offense taken. So you like porn better than sex? Well, what is it? What do you get from porn that you don't get from sex with a... an actual person? I lose myself. You lose yourself? Yeah, just... good-bye. And that doesn't happen when you have sex? Mm-mm. I wish it did. Sure, don't we all? (chuckles) Um, okay. One more question, then I'll drive you back. (chuckles) All right. You ever jerk off without porn? What do you mean? (sighs) (apple iOS start-up music plays) JON (voice-over): I'm not, like, a junkie. Come on, that's stupid. It's porn. It's not fucking heroin. I knew a few guys in high school who actually smoked crack, like, all the time. That's, like, a junkie. They couldn't stop. I can stop if I wanted to. I could. (sighs) . (register beeping) (music playing quietly over speakers) (bluesy guitar music) (music continues) Hi. -Hey. -Somebody's excited. Hey, hey, come on. -I want to talk to you. -Yeah? What about? Don't you want to... Don't you want to wait till after class? Okay. (chuckles) All right. (laughs) (car door closes) Oh. (moans) Wow. You're... you're intense today. What's going on? -I got to talk to you. -Yeah? I didn't think you really meant that when you said it. -I did. -Oh. Well, I'm flattered. What do you want to talk about? -(laughs) -Uh... All right, so you were right. About what? About your girlfriend? -No. -Oh, no, I'm sorry, sorry. I was right about what? I stopped watching porn. Oh, yeah? That's great. -Yeah, I don't know. -No, it is. I-I wasn't gonna stop, but then I was thinking about what you asked me before, if I ever jerk off without watching porn. And, uh, I tried to. Yeah. And you couldn't? No, I couldn't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I been trying for a week. It's really fucked up. Oh, my God. You haven't come in a week? (both moaning) Okay, wait, no. I want... I want to hear the rest of the story. So, you haven't watched porn in a week? -Yeah. -Well, that's good. You... you said you watch porn. Uh, yeah, but, um, that movie that I gave you was totally... Did-did you ever watch it? -No. -Okay. It's totally unlike the stuff that I imagine you watch every day. -That stuff is not healthy. -What do you mean -it's not healthy? How do you know? -Oh, my God. Please. That stuff is ridiculous. It has nothing to do with actual sex. That's... that's why you have trouble with real women. Oh, I get off fine with real girls. Yeah, yeah, you definitely do. Yeah, I just couldn't get off beating it with my eyes closed. (chuckles): Right. But didn't you tell me last week that you like porn better than real sex? Well, honey, I'm-I'm gonna be honest with you, 'cause it seems like that's what you want. Look, the way you have sex is, like, totally one-sided. It's like I'm not even there. I mean, look, it's-it's fine with me. I mean, I'm not complaining. It just so happens that meaningless sex is something that I want in my life right now. But you-you said that you want to lose yourself in sex. If you want to lose yourself, you have to lose yourself in another person, and she has to lose herself in you. It's a two-way thing. I am, um... You know what? I'm sorry. -I shouldn't have said that. -No, it's fine. -No, no, no, I'm sorry. I am. -Ah, what are you talking about? -No, I'm-I'm really sorry. I'm... I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. -You didn't; it's fine. -No, I really didn't. Oh. -You know what? -Hmm? Let's take a bath. (chuckles): What? -No, come on. -Nah. It'll be nice. It'll be nice. Come on. Come on, let's take a bath. I'm gonna get you a towel. (water continues running) (water continues running) (sobbing softly) (sighs softly) (footsteps approaching) (sighs) Hey, where were you? I used one of the towels that was in there. I hope you don't mind. Yeah, that's fine. What's wrong? Nothing. You don't live here alone, do you? I actually do. Uh, there's some kind of... bad marriage situation here? -No. -I know it's none of my business. Sorry, I just... I don't want to get caught out and now some guy's coming at me with a bat or some shit. No, it's nothing like that. Uh, so, what is it? Since when do you ask me personal questions? Since right now. It really doesn't matter. Oh, it seems like it matters to you. No, doesn't. Didn't you tell me it's sort of fucked up to keep stuff like this hidden? My husband and, um, my son died 14 months ago. -Jesus. -Thank you. What happened? Cars are terrible things. I'm sorry, but your hair's so much better this way. What? I can touch it. (chuckles): What are you talking about? You put so much junk in your hair. It's all sticky and hard. This is much better. (sighs softly) (both panting softly) (panting continues) (panting continues) (wrapper rustling) (panting resumes) (sighs) (panting continues) (whispers): Oh, shit. (panting heavily) (panting slows) (car engine revving) (pop music playing over car stereo) (singing along): # Good vibration # It's just a sweet sensation # It's just a good vibration... (music continues) (rapping along): # Yo, it's about that time # To bring forth the rhythm, the rhyme... # (church bells chiming) (chiming continues) -(organ playing) -(keypad clicking) JON (voice-over): In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. PRIEST (voice-over): Amen. Bless you, my son. JON: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession. PRIEST: Tell me your sins. All right, first of all, I lied to you before. I told you that I, uh... Well, actually, I don't know if it was you. Something I've always kind of wondered is is it the same guy I'm talking to every week, or there's a few of you and you switch off or... How does that all work? Well, anyway, uh, I told the Father a while back that I stopped watching pornography, but that was a lie. I didn't stop at all. Thing is, this week, I actually did stop. Like, totally just not doing it anymore. So... PRIEST: Yes? Yeah, so that's, like, zero for the week. Uh, other than that, I did have sex out of wedlock one time, but it was different. It wasn't just sex, it was like... I don't know. It's hard to explain, but yeah. That's it. So, for these and all the sins in my life, I am sorry. PRIEST: Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. What? Really? Same thing? No difference? PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, -may God give you par... -Wait. Father, I'm really sorry, but could you just tell me how you got to those numbers, please? 'Cause I... I really thought there was gonna be a difference this week. PRIEST: Have faith, my son. Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace and absolve you from your sins. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. . (sighs): So, uh... me and Barbara split up. ANGELA: What? Barbara and I split up. I can't believe it. This is horrible! -Well, can you get her back? -I don't think so. -Well, did you try to call her? -She don't want me to call her. -Oh! -Look what you did. I'm sorry. What do you want me to do? (sobbing): I just want you to be happy! That's all. Is that too much to ask? I wasn't happy. A nice wife and some nice kids! Look at me! I look like a grandmother. But do I have any grandchildren? No! I mean, am I a bad mother? -Is that what I'm hearing? -Honey, -calm down, please! -JON: You know, Ma, I don't know if I really want a wife and kids. ANGELA: What are you saying? (sobs) You don't mean that! -Jon, say something! -All right, all right, all right! Would you stop upsetting your mother? What the fuck -is the matter with you?! -I don't know. Having a family is the greatest joy in a man's life. Everybody knows that! Well, then maybe I'm not a man, okay? 'Cause I sure as hell don't want a family. I mean, maybe one day, but not right now! I know that! MONICA: Yeah, well, and that's all she wanted. -ANGELA: What did she say?! -I said that that girl... I cannot hear any fucking thing! -What are you saying? -All I'm saying is, that girl, she has her own agenda. She doesn't care about Jonny. She doesn't know the first thing about him. She just wants a guy who's gonna do whatever she tells him to. It is a good thing that she broke up with you. Thanks. You're welcome. Jon, I will fucking kill you! All right, all right. Take it easy. BARBARA: Yeah, I got it. I know. (footsteps approaching) All right. -I know, I know, I know... -(clears throat) (quietly): Oh. I'm sorry. -That's fine. -All right, listen, listen, I-I got to go, so I'll see you later? All right. Bye. -Sorry. -That's cool. -Sorry about that. -No problem. How you doing? -(chuckles) A little windy. -Yeah, it's windy out here. (laughs) Sorry. I'm good. How are you? Good, thanks. Everybody good? Uh-huh. Yeah, great. Hmm. Thanks for meeting me. Sure. Hope you understand why I thought lunch was not -a good idea. -Yeah, that's fine. -You want some coffee? -Nah, I'm good. Actually, I got to go pretty soon, so... (laughs): You changed your hair, huh? (laughs): Ah. Yeah. So? Yeah, so... I just wanted to apologize. I lied to you, and I'm sorry for that. Well, that's all... that's all you're gonna say? -I don't... -I don't really know what I... what-what I do with that. What do I say, I forgive you, or, what, we're supposed to get back together or something? No. No. -I-I just wanted to tell you... -You're not capable of a relationship, Jon. You're not. (clears throat) Nah, right now, I'm-I'm not. 'Cause you're a selfish person and you're a liar. Yeah, I was. I'm sorry. I asked you to do one thing for me. (sighs): Yeah. You know, I was thinking about that when you said it before. Yeah, well, I said it 'cause it's true. That's why. It's not true. -Really? -You didn't only ask me for one thing. You asked for a lot... a lot of different things, and then... I couldn't do it all for you. Well, when a real man loves a woman, he doesn't mind doing things for her. All right? He'll do anything for her. Yeah, but... don't you think that sounds a little bit one-sided? No, I don't. But that's why you like to watch those whores in those videos; 'cause you don't got to do anything for them, right? Yeah, uh, that's, uh... that's one-sided, also, definitely. Look, sweetie, I'm gonna go, okay? (clears throat) Don't call me anymore. The streak is over, motherfucker! How's it feel? Whatever. I'd rather get pizza with my boys. -That's new. -Yeah. -Every fucking time we go out, -Good. Don Jon smashes, but not tonight, ladies and gentlemen! The fans are devastated! Jonny, what happened? Yeah, I thought it was on with old crop top. No, that girl was annoying. -She was tight though. -Eight, solid eight. Her body was at least an eight, but I'm telling you, you didn't talk to her. Who cares how she talks? You asked why I didn't smash. That's why I didn't smash. What about you? You were kicking it to Ponytail, right? How'd it go? Yeah, you get her name? I got a number. -JON: Hey! -(laughs) -You like that?! -Fucking right, I do! Hey, easy, easy, easy. Did you get her name? Yeah! Wait. -Oh, fuck! -What? -I saved it as Ponytail. -(laughs) -Danny boy! -Danny boy! -What?! What?! All right, all right, all right, take it easy, take it easy. Oh, my God, white people. JON (voice-over): This fucking lady. Now, I don't usually like it when a girl looks me right in the eye-- and this girl does that a lot-- but I don't know what it is about her, when she does it, I don't mind. I just look right back at her. Then pretty soon... I'm hard as a fucking rock. It's like she knows what I'm thinking. Or I know what she's thinking, or... I don't know. It's a two-way thing. I fucking love it. And I don't mean "love" like, oh, I love her, I want to marry her. I'm definitely not thinking about all that shit. And she's not either. She can't. I guess I just mean love like... you know, like... when we're making love. And while we're doing it, all the bullshit does fade away, and it's just me and her right there. And yeah, I do lose myself in her, I can tell she's losing herself in me, and we're just fucking... lost together. (Marky Mark's 'Good Vibration') www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015