(THUNDER RUMBLES) (SEAGULLS SQUAWK) (CHILDREN SHOUT) Slow down! Melanie! I gotta get home. My mom's gonna kill me. Wow, did you see that? 1001, 1002 - Answer the question! No! No, you won't answer or no, you won't marry me? Jake Perry, I'm 10 years old! I got too much to live for! (BOTH SCREAM) Not that way, you don't! Come on! Wow! Cool! It's hot. Don't touch it. We'll be safe here. Says who? Everybody. Lightning never strikes the same place twice. (THUNDER BOOMS) Why would you wanna marry me for, anyhow? So I can kiss you any time I want. (THUNDER RUMBLES) (THUNDER BOOMS) (BABBLE OF VOICES) Hey! Hi. You know, that accent of yours is a whole lot thicker when you're dreaming. All right. How come you all let me sleep? Oh, calm down. It was five minutes. What did I say? That we'll all getting big fat raises when you become somebody. (ALL LAUGH) Oh, did they kill Badgley Mischka?! OK. Laugh now, but tomorrow it could be us. Not us. You. I just make the coffee. Thank you. # 'Bring On The Day' - Charlotte Martin # Well, I'm feeling like I'm falling... Thanks, you guys. (ALL CHATTER) I'll see you at the show. # Reality is calling, # but that don't bother me. # Cos I'm on my way. # And I'm OK. # Hey. # Hey. # Hey, # Hey, # come on, bring on the day. # Cos I just might get everything I need. # Hey. # Hey. # Hey, # Hey, # I'm givin' what it takes. # I'm ready as I'm ever gonna be, # so bring on the day. # Bring on the day. # (LAUGHS / GASPS) Andrew! 'Hey, honey! Good morning! 'There's a rose for every moment I thought of you last night. 'God, you must be exhausted. Listen, knock 'em dead. I'll see you at the show. 'It's gonna be great. I love you. I can't wait to see you. Goodbye.' # This one goin' out to all the people that work hard all week. # Weekend come, it's your song! # OK, people! We are officially late! Melanie? Yes? This top's supposed to be neon aubergine, but it's all wrong! It's all wrong! Don't panic. That's my job. Um,... OK, put her on after Anouk. The third light cue is yellow. She'll look eggplant. OK. And, Pan, uh, the reason it's all wrong is because it's on backwards. Ooh, Miss Dixie! I'm scared of you! Frederick, what are you here? You're the competition! Competition? Please! I design for Blooms and Pearls, and nothing comes between me and my protegee! And this is, after all, all about me. Oh, I love this! Stella McCartney's gonna kill herself. Why do I feel like I'm in the middle of Times Square, butt-naked? Baby doll, you're gonna be just fine! Seven years ago you were this little debutante just off the plantation, and now you're my Steel Magnolia with her very own show. OK, get out of here, before you make me cry. Mwah! Mwah! Bonne chance! (ALL CHATTER / LAUGH) Hi! Hey, good to see you. Good to see you. How you doing? Please tell me he has a flaw somewhere. He asked me to go to Ireland for Christmas. He's gonna ask you a lot more than that! You think so? Mm-hm! It's time. Let's do this! Alright, we gotta go. Places, everyone! Come on, let's go! Line up! OK, no smiles! No smiles, just smirks! # 'Hella Good' - No Doubt OK. Go. # So I'm gonna keep on dancing. # Keep on dancing. # (ALL CHATTER) Alright, we're ready. Oh! Honey! (SQUEALS) (LAUGHS) Congratulations. You're amazing! Those flowers were insane. Oh, well, I just want this day to be perfect. Oh God, honey, what if they hate me? Oh, they're critics. They hate themselves. That's easy for you to say. I wasn't born with that thick Hennings skin. No, you weren't. And that is what I love about you. Honey, I'm sorry. I got a meeting in the Bronx. But you go and enjoy. And I'll see you later. OK? Oh, hey, we got that thing tonight at the Lincoln Centre. What thing? Fundraiser thing. Right! The thing... with your mother. That's tonight? I'm afraid so. OK! OK! I am so proud of you. Thank you. I love you. I love you too. Congratulations. His meeting's running a little late. He told me to take you inside so you wouldn't have to wait in the car. Where are we? I'm tired, Jimmy! I've had it. Well, he shouldn't be too long. Miss Carmichael? Won't you come in? So,... have you made a decision? About what? Ireland! Ireland, honey? That's four months from now. I was thinking maybe two,... three hundred guests, tops. For Christmas?! Andrew, are you on some sort of medication? What's going on? Where are we? Oh my God! Oh - Oh my God. Oh my God! Melanie Carmichael, will you marry me? Are you sure? I mean, a` are you really sure, because if you're not sure, we could just go back to the car. No. No. No. No. It's only been eight months! I never do anything rash, and I usually never ask a question that I don't already know the answer to, so at the risk of being rejected twice, I'm gonna ask you again. Will you marry me? Yes. Yes! Yes! (GASPS) Yes! (LAUGHS) Pick one. Come on! Mayor, just one shot! One shot! (ALL SHOUT / APPLAUD) Where is he? He's running late. No doubt thanks to that Carbuncle girl. Carmichael. Designer. Southern. Right. Whatever. (REPORTERS SHOUT) Your Honour, how do you answer those who are opposed to the street-improvement project you put before the city council today? I suggest they take a drive on some of the streets in Brooklyn. Maybe they'll disappear into a pothole. Your son's relationship with Melanie Carmichael - sources say they're engaged. Do you have a comment? Trust me, if my son were engaged, I'd have a comment. I thought you were tired. Jimmy, can you excuse us for a second? (CHUCKLES) I've been planning this for weeks. I knew your show'd be great, and I this thing tonight is perfect. God, I can't wait to see the look on my mother's face. Let's call your parents. No! I mean, not right this second. What I mean is, uh, honey, would you mind terribly if we kept this to ourselves for a few days? It's gonna come out sooner or later. No, I know, I know, but, um, It's just I haven't seen my folks in about seven years, and I just feel like I should probably... tell them in person. Of course. And, um,... I think I should tell them alone. Mel, I'm gonna have to meet them eventually. I know. I know, and they will love you,... eventually. (GIGGLES) Is it because I'm a Yankee? Well, that. And a Democrat. OK. Mum's the word. No one will know. Thank you. (REPORTERS SHOUT QUESTIONS) Hello! Have you told your mother you're engaged? (ALL SHOUT) I'm sorry we're late. That shade of lipstick does nothing for you. What kept you? Oh, it's none of your business. Oh, you know I hate surprises. What's going on? Oh, Tom! Always a pleasure. Melanie, darling. Hi, Your Honour! So good to see you. Look at you. Always the belle of the ball. I hear very good things about your new line. Oh, yeah. Thanks. Uh,... Andrew? Yes? It seems Melanie is wearing a skating rink on a very important finger. Um, Your Honour, If it's all the same to you, I'd really like to keep this... My God! You're engaged? (CROWD GASPS) ...quiet. 'Bloody hell, I'm your first New York friend and I have to read about it with 12 million other people.' Sorry, honey, she just grabbed my hand. What was I supposed to do? I know. We read all about it. So did you cry? Wouldn't you? One man for the rest of my life? I'd bawl my eyes out. So, why don't you come and meet us? We're just round the corner. (SIGHS) Can't. I'm in Alabama. Oh... my God. Yeah. (BARKS) (BARKS) (BARKS) (BARKS) Oh, he's loud but he don't bite. Come on. Shut up, Hal! Lie down. Come on. Stay. And how can I help you? Well, for starters you can get your stubborn ass down here and give me a divorce. Come on, Jake. I mean it. The joke's over. Let's just finish this. I've got a plane to catch. You're shittin' me, right? You know, I've never actually understood that expression, but no, I'm not shitting you. Look. It's even got these idiot-proof tabs to make it easy. There's one copy for me, one for you and one copy for the lawyer. What? Speak! (BARKS) You show up here after seven years, without so much as a, 'Hey, there, Jake, remember me, 'your wife?' (BARKS) 'Hi, honey. Looking good! How's the family?' You expect me to tell you you look good? What, they run out of soap down at the Piggly Wiggly since I left? They laugh at that up North, or wherever it is you been? You knew where I was. And don't even pretend you spent all this time missing me. Oh, I missed you, alright, but at this range... ...my aim is bound to improve. Is that a threat? I've got a lawyer charging me $350 an hour. He billed me every time you sent these papers back! Well, I'm glad to see you finally got the message. (BARKS) (BOTH) Shut up, Bear! ...Bryant! (BARKS / GRUMBLES) What happened to Bear? He died. You weren't here. What are you doing? Leaving. You've done it. You should recognise the gesture. Could we just try to keep this as civilised as possible? Please sign these papers so I can go home. What do you know from home? Hell, I bet your folks don't even know you're in town. That's my business! Honey, those people are the only family you got. Don't you 'honey' me, honey! Get your butt back in that car, drive over and see 'em, and then maybe we'll talk. JAKE! You dumb, stubborn, redneck hick! The only reason you won't sign these papers is because I want you to! Wrong! The only reason I ain't signing is because you've turned into some hoity-toity Yankee bitch, and I'd like nothing better right now than to piss you off! Grr! What the heck are you doing with Mo Slidel's plane, anyhow? That's my business! Fine! Fine! (GRUNTS) Divorce, my ass. Hey, genius (!) Next time you lock somebody out, make sure they don't know where the spare key is hidden. Well, see, that's the thing about hide-a-keys. It'd be nice if your wife told you WHERE IT WAS! I'm not your wife, Jake. I'm just... I'm just the first girl who climbed in the back of your truck. But you're right. I have changed. I don't even know that girl anymore. Well, then, allow me to remind you. READS: 'Born into one of the wealthiest families of Greenville, Alabama, 'her daddy's in cotton and all that that implies.' There's no listing for an Earl Carmichael in Greenville. How about her local high school? There's no record of her attending,... ever. Jesus! Whatever happened to responsible journalism? There's something wrong here. Why would my son do this to me? Maybe he, um,... loves her. Oh, please! This is classic rebound! He's still wounded from breaking up with - who was his last girlfriend? Whitney, lawyer, San Francisco. Yeah. Well, there was a match made in heaven. Society, political family, California. All those electoral votes. Get Andrew on the phone. Since we only have a very small window with for Secretary of Housing, please hold your questions until after the presentation. Did you see the look my mom's face? I thought her head was gonna explode. Yeah, what did she say? Date women like Mel, don't marry them. That's harsh. Oh, that's Mom. Thank you. Thanks a lot. We hope to have the hospital open- (MOBILE RINGS) Oh, speak of the devil. Hello? Hello? So, have you two lovebirds set a date? I'm pleading the fifth. OK. Fine. Just try to keep your secrets. I dare you. Oh, at least you sound like you're in a better mood. My approval rating went up two points. It seems the public likes being reminded I'm a mother. Always running for office. I'm only thinking of you. Say, um,... ...do you happen to have the Carmichael's number down there in... ...Greenville? I thought perhaps I should introduce myself. I would like to meet them first, if you don't mind. 'You do realise the press is gonna be all over this.' Take it from me, happy couples don't sell. So there are any skeletons in her closet, we need to know about 'em. 1 1 You make clothes, right? I design them. There's a big difference. You design anything with stripes? (KNOCK AT DOOR) You called the sheriff? You know that old bastard hates me! For good reason! Well, hell's bells! If it ain't Felony Melanie. Wade? Hot damn, girl! (SQUEALS) Do we miss you round here! Hey, I think I saw poor old Fuzz just the other day. Oh, you had to bring that up! I can't believe you're the sheriff! Yeah, I get paid to frisk pretty things like you all day and get paid for it. Try and be a little more professional about this. We got us a crime suspect here. Now, you can't just go breaking into peoples houses. I didn't break in, Wade. I used a key. My key. Well, it still ain't your house, darlin'. I'm gonna have to escort you out. Use the cuffs. Please. If you can just get him to sign these papers, I'll let you run me out of town. Now, that's none of your concern! What have we got here? A bill of divorce? Hell, boy, I thought you said you took care of this! And I thought I had. Obviously not. Well, if you two are still married, it's her house, too. This here ain't nothing but a domestic dispute! He didn't hit you, did he? Cos if you tell me he took a swing at you, I'll take him in right now. We take that stuff pretty serious nowadays. No, Wade. Jake's never hit me. You know what? I don't have a single childhood memory that doesn't have you two in it. And that includes the night I lit my ass on fire. You remember that? Wade,... ...Memory Lane is closed. Oh, hell, boy, you two got a whole lot of catching up to do. So I'm just gonna leave you to it. (BOTH START YELLING AT ONCE) Why won't you just sign the papers? There is nothing I can do. The law is the law. And she has done nothing wrong. I suppose shoplifting steaks at Winn-Dixie's OK? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I took 'em back and you know it! You remember that incident of that vandalism out at the stock yard? Totally her! Like I could tip a cow by myself! (CHUCKLES) Wade,... Isn't there some outstanding warrant for whoever dumped your momma's tractor in the fish pond? (GASPS) ...'it's gonna be gone for good, so if you are loving this monster'... (SNORES) (PHONE RINGS) 'We have eight only. If I knew how to say that in Italian, I would.' (PHONE RINGS) 9:15. Honestly. (MUTES TV) Who could be calling at this hour? Hello? Hello? 'Hey, Momma!' Melanie? Is that you? Oh, it's so late ` are you alright? I, uh,... ...um, I just thought I'd surprise you. Well, it certainly is a fine surprise, hearing from you, you know, being such a busy girl and all. 'Of course, I call people while I'm doing the dishes or shelling peas.' Oprah calls it multitasking. Momma, the call isn't the surprise. I'm... I'm in town! Oh, Lord love-a-duck! (LAUGHS) Oh, my baby girl has finally come home! Earl, she's in town. 'Are you gonna repeat everything she says? Cos if you are, just get off my chair.' Momma... I'm just sittin' here, is all. What happened to the sound? I turned it down so I could hear the phone ring. What, are you clairvoyant now (?) 'It was so loud, I couldn't hear myself think.' Momma? 'The could have heard it all the way down at Joe's house.' Hello? 'I only get three minutes.' Oh, honey, you didn't need to call. Just come on by. Uh,... ...well, that's the thing. I was sorta hoping Daddy could come get me. So, what put you in jail this time? Jake and his big, fat mouth. It was just a misunderstanding, that's all. Kinda like that wedding I paid for? I would hardly call that a wedding. The boy was nervous. He was still drunk from the night before! Can you blame him? Yes, I can! I went to the reception by myself with puke all down my dress while he slept it off in the Travelodge. And you're still siding with that- I'm not siding with anybody. The boy's changed. Can we stop talking about Jake? OK? I know he's the son you never had, but I'm your only daughter. And maybe you wanna know what's new with me. OK. Shoot. I met somebody. And he's quite a catch. He's really a great guy, and I'm happy,... ...really. Come to Momma, sugar! Hey, Momma! Oh, good land of the living! You are skin and bones! Well, don't I get a smile? I know you got one in there somewhere! Come on, come on, let's not let all the bought air out. Well, are you hungry? Sweetie, do you want me to reheat you some chicken-fried steak? Oh, no, Momma, I'm fine. Sweetie, you look tired. Are you tired? Oh, you know what? Maybe it's the way you're wearing your hair now. You guys've done a lot with the place(!) Lord, would you listen to that accent! Sit in my good chair. Your momma got me this Christmas before last. Oh, you mean the one where you guys were supposed to come visit me? I told you time and time again it just didn't suit. Lemme get you those tickets. Sit down. Sit down! Now, watch this! (SCREAMS) (SPRINGS CREAK) Oh! Isn't that quite the deal? There are hardly words. Now, how do I get out of this thing? Oh. Oh my God! Jake tell you he's thinking of getting one? Well, I see your priorities. Jake, jail and then home. Momma, it was just unfinished business, is all. Jake's doin' alright. Boy's going places! Once upon a time, you were going places, too. Here are your tickets. These were a gift. I'd rather you guys just used them. You know what I can't understand is how you all will visit every stupid battlefield in the continental US but you can't manage to visit your only daughter. Well, the door swings both ways, sweetie. And anyway, don't get me started on the things I don't understand. Here we go. Momma, your dream for me was to get out of this place and be somebody. That's why you shoved me in every beauty pageant in the State! I'm just sayin', is all... What? What are you trying to say? Just tell me what I can do to make you happy! Just make yourself happy, darlin'. Just make yourself happy, darlin'. It's done. We're there, alright? You know, I've really made something of myself. I have a career. People actually wanna be me. And somebody actually loves me, and I love him. Pearl, why don't you get us some of that baloney cake out the icebox. Your momma's a complex woman. (SIGHS) I'm going to bed. Good night, darlin'. But you know nothing about her. Are you even sure who she is? I love her, Momma. That's nice, but you have to be careful. You and I are different. We're not better, we're not worse, we're just different. We're in public life to serve. And to serve at our best of our ability, we have to set good examples. Do you have to control everything? I've put a hold on the Plaza for the second weekend in June. That should give you a nice long engagement. We were thinking Christmas in Ireland. If you think I'm going to let some girl talk you into getting married- She is not 'some girl'. She's is my fiancee, for Chrissake. (LAUGHS) You are just like your father. One minute you're brilliant, controlled, steadfast,... ...the next you're throwing it all away on some young piece of ass! Those are your issues, Mother, not mine. 1 OK. (TRUCK CREAKS) Hold on. You know what? How long does a contested divorce take? 18 months? Mr Buford, I don't have 18 months. I don't have 18 days. OK, well, that's just not gonna work for me! Whoo-ee! Yes! Don't see the likes of you round these here parts much! Mr Buford,... that's not gonna work! Lady, you look like sex on a stick in that Frederick Montana getup! Listen, bubba, why don't you just kiss my... ...ass! Oh my God! Get in the truck, missy, cos I don't do that sort of thing on the street! (BOTH LAUGH) I guess your momma raised you right! What is that, Calvin Klein? It's very nice! Very good! I better back off. Don't wanna get you in trouble with the little lady. There is a little lady, isn't there? Oh, hell, I can hardly afford me, much less some high-maintenance babe. What about Cindy what's-her-name? You guys were real hot and heavy in high school. What happened to her? She's a women's softball coach up in Nashville. Mm-hm! (CHUCKLES) Well, that explains some lingering questions I had about a game of post office we played one time. (LAUGHS) No! Guess we all have our little secrets, don't we? Yeah, we sure do! Course, I read about yours on the internet. What? Oh, I know all about the cocks in your henhouse! Oh, God! Bobby Ray! You know how to make a girl blush. Well, I gotta get back to the factory. But are you in town for a while? God, I hope not. I'm just hitting the bank. Well, I'd better scram! Ha, ha, very funny(!) It's been really good to see you. Good to see you, too. Bye! (DOOR OPENS) Oh, hey, Eugene! How's your leg? Oh, it don't give me too much trouble, Miss Melanie. Dorothea? I'm gonna take my lunch. Well, look what the cat dragged in! Dorothea? Oh my God, you've- Lost 110lbs, I know. (LAUGHS) Well,... congratulations! Thanks. I noticed that you don't have an ATM. Oh, them things? Russ don't wanna put one in. You lose personal contact with the customers. Yes. That would be tragic. Wade said you and Jake had quite the reunion. But that's just pillow-talk talkin'. A` Are you and Wade` Goin' on three years. Course, it ain't Tiffany's, but, then again, you can't believe everything you hear on TV. Uh, I need to make a withdrawal from my` Joint account? My what? (Your joint account!) With Jake! From what I hear, y'all are still married. Why, yes. Yes, we are. # I got a little change in my pocket, # goin' jing-a-ling-a-ling. # Wanna call you on the telephone, baby. # I give you a ring. # But each time we talk, # I get the same old thing. # Always no huggy, no kissy until I get a wedding ring. # Oh, my honey, my baby, # Don't put my love up on no shelf. # She said don't hand me no lines, # and keep your hands to yourself. # (GRUMBLES) Hi, honey! Looking good! How's the family? Cut the shit. Where's my stuff? Now, what kind of wife would I be if I didn't pick up after my husband? The kind that don't live here! I'm gonna ask you one last time. Where is the hide-a-key? I had the sweetest chat with Wade's mom about her tractor. Nice to see you got your accent back. Oh, I stumbled across a few things today. Holy shit! What happened to the stove? Oh, and where are them little magnets I had over here, huh? What the hell is this? Chick-food? Light beer. Less calories! I tried to pick out a new bed, but have you been to the Sit 'n Sleep lately? Yuck! I suppose I'll just have to order something from New York. Whatever blows your dress up, darling. You go right ahead and spend your money. Oh, but, darlin', I thought you said we should think of it as... our money. Just a guess, but I'm thinking the words... ...'joint chequeing' are flashing in your head right now. How much did you take? All of it. Sonofabitch! You want a wife,... ...you got a wife. And what are you doing with all that cash? Why don't you invest it? Don't you know anything? I know if you don't get out of this house right now` Sign and I'll give it all back! Fine! Fine! Gimme the pen. Hold on. What are you doing with all that cash saved up? Gimme the` And since when did you quit the tyre factory? You're not doing anything illegal, are you? Maybe I am. So what? I don't ask you about your boyfriend. You keep your nose out of my life. Deal? Who told you? Honey, just cos I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid. Look, Jake` Nobody finds their soul mate when they're 10 years old. Yeah, I guess. I mean, where's the fun in that, right? I can't believe you kept this thing all these years. Mm-hm. You know, most people don't know that lightning does that to sand. Oh, hey, Mel, you know what? (LAUGHS) I just remembered I got myself a hot date. You don't mind if my have my lawyer take a look at these, do ya? What? Hell, I'm just a... simple country boy. There's words in there I can't even pronounce. You might be taking me to the cleaners, for all I know. The cleaners? You? Say, what this set you back, anyhow? More than you make in a month! Just sign just sign the damn papers! Nah. But... thanks for stoppin' by. Argh! God! # 'Bright Lights, Big City' - Cornbread # Bright lights, # big city # gone to my baby's head. # Bright lights, # big city... # (MOBILE RINGS) I love you, I love you, I love you. 'Are you sitting down?' 'Why? Bad news?' Just picked up the New York Magazine. And I quote ` READS 'That cool breath of fresh air blowing through the tents at fashion week 'was the soon-to-be-household name of Melanie Carmichael. 'Fashion insiders have labelled her the next big one.' (GASPS) (MUSIC BLARES FROM BAR) Oh my God. The next big one? Oh, God, honey, I needed that almost as much as I need you. What is that noise? The sound of my past. Have fun. (LAUGHS) OK, bye! # Bright lights, # Bright lights, # big city # big city # Gone to my baby's head. # Yeah, bright lights, # Bright lights, # big city # big city... # Batten down the hatches, boys! Trouble just walked back into my life, disguised as my favourite daughter-in-law! Oh, honey, drag that pretty face over here and gimme a hug! Soon to be ex-daughter-in-law. Whoo-ooh! Who's the lucky guy? His name is Andrew. He's in politics. Well, he got my vote! Good to see you, baby girl. Hey, give this lady whatever she wants! I'll catch up with you later, OK? I'll have a Grey Goose martini, two olives, dirty. Thanks. Oh my God! Melanie? Lurlynn? Yes! Oh, my God, look at you, all fancy. You look like you just stepped out of a magazine. Oh, well, thank you. Uh,... look at you! You have a baby,... ...in a bar! Hell, I got three more at home! This one's still on the tit, so I can cart him anywhere. (LAUGHS) Right! You know, I almost bought that exact same top the other day, but Clinton'd kill me if I spent 30 bucks on a... sweater thing. (LAUGHS) That Jaclyn Smith knows what she's doin'. Actually, it's mine. Bergdorf just picked it up. I design clothes now. I design clothes now. Oh! Mm! Now that you mention it, I'm pretty sure I heard that. So, d'you know Jaclyn Smith? Mind if I join you? Actually, we do. You must be Jake's hot date. I'm Starr. Hi! I'm Melanie, Jake's snotty, Yankee-bitch wife whom he refuses to divorce even though I'm engaged to another man. Hot dog! Jake, look at the size of that thing. Honey, why don't you get us a couple drinks, alright? OK. Is that a martini...? Oh, uh` Not me-and-her us! You-and-I us! Why d'you make me be mean to you? Is that what you want? To be humiliated in front of all of your friends? Oh, come on, Mel. We were your friends, too. Well, lookee-lookee there! Well, well, well, if it isn't the two groomsmen of the apocalypse. Hey, Eldon? Yep? Are you HUNGRY? (ALL SHOUT) Yep! No, no-no-no! Don't you dare! I could use a Melanie sandwich! Just seems like old times, huh, Mel? GET OFF ME! No! Not like old times, alright? Times have changed. No more Melanie sandwich. No more Melanie taco... ...and no more Melanie corn-dog, all right? Sure. We're just playin' with you. Sorry. Come on, guys, just grab a stick. We'll play some pool, alright? And if you can't find a cue, just pull the one shoved up her ass. (ALL LAUGH) (ALL CHEER / APPLAUD) Eldon, I can't believe you're still wearing that same old stupid hat. Well, I just about got it broken in. Now, you sit your bony ass down there and watch and see me teach Jake here how to lose at pool. Well, see, that's the thing. I'm not really a watch-and-see kind of girl, am I, Jake? Come on, now, Bobby Ray, you've got it. Bobby Ray, (GIGGLES) ...don't... blow... this one, OK? Alright, baby? You can take the girl out of the honky-tonk, but you can't take the honky-tonk out of the girl. (ALL GROAN) Come on, Jake. Are you going to divorce this girl or what? Well,... she waited seven years. Couple more days won't kill her,... ...unfortunately. Like it's gonna make a difference. You never know. You might be interested to learn, your boy Jake here` Let her think whatever she wants, Clem. She made up her mind about me a long time ago. Some things never change. (ALL GROAN) Like Eldon here! He never could get his balls in the right pocket. (ALL LAUGH) OK, Jake. It's you and Mel. Clutch-time, man. It's just like state play-offs. We're down by six, seven seconds to go. We need that big, beautiful 52-yard bomb! (ALL CHEER) You remember that, Mel? How could I forget? That was the night Jake got me pregnant. (ALL) Ooh...! Why don't you just go public with that shit(?) Oh, come on. It's not like anybody can keep a secret around here... ...except for Bobby Ray. Now, what did I ever do to you? You never did anything to me, darlin' - or any other girl in town! (ALL LAUGH) (ALL LAUGH) Melanie, what is the matter with you? What do you mean? Ah, she's just unhappy. Of course, I would be, too, if Women's Wear Daily called me less than mediocre! (ALL MURMUR / LAUGH) Why don't you just go to a gay bar? (LAUGHS) Now, what would B-Ray do in a gay bar? (CHUCKLES) Well,... ...think I had about enough fun for one night. Oh, come on! I was just kidding! HEY, STELLA! How about another round of drinks for my friends here? Honey, I think you've had about enough. Honey, I think you've had about enough. (LAUGHS) You know what? I think you're right. I have had enough. (LAUGHS) I mean, how do you people live like this, anyway? That's it. Come on. Did you know that there's a great big world out there that has nothing to do with chitlins, children or beer? I liked her better when she was crazy. Jake! What makes you think you can treat them like something you stepped in in those fancy shoes? You asked for it? I asked for it? You show up here, you steal my money, you rearrange my house and then insult my friends, acting like you're better than 'em! I am better than them! You stole my pen! That's all that matters to you, isn't it? Jake... Money... and labels... and shoes! You're pathetic. Oh, like you're goin' places. I am, as soon as I get my keys out of here- Oh, no you don't. No, you don't. Give me my purse! You wanna kill yourself, you do it somewhere else. There. At least I'm doing something with my life. So what if you can't play football any more? Get in. Get a new dream! I did. Alright! I guess the date's over, huh? Do me a favour. Follow us home. Bleurrgh! (COUGHS) (RETCHES) (SNORES) Hey, Earl. Evenin', Jake. Pearl. Jake. (SNORES) Oh...! 5 (BIRDSONG) (MURMUR OF CONVERSATION) Now, listen, Pearl, you go easy on her. We don't want another seven years. Oh! We were wondering when we were gonna see you. Christ Almighty, Daddy... How am I gonna explain you to New York City? History's history. No use sweeping it under the rug. Wish me luck. Go get them Yankees. People need a passport to come down here. Hey, Bryant. Where is he? (BARKS) Come here. Come on! Come on! There you go. (GRUMBLES HAPPILY) Come on. Bryant. Bryant! Come on! What's she doing here, huh? I thought you'd be gone. There you go, boy. I put the money back in your account. Attaboy! Thanks. Saves me from bouncing a lot of cheques. Can he swim? Can he swim? Doesn't look like it. I like what you did, though. To the house. Should help it sell quicker. Are you moving? Well, I been spending a lot of my time up round Tuscaloosa, so... How deep is that water? About 8ft. Look, Mel,... I signed your papers. Jake, I never meant to hurt you, or anybody else for that matter. And I just came out here to say... ...thank you. You might wanna find yourself a place out of the way. You can't just leave! Sure I can. You wanna come? Where are you going? Where are you going? Nowhere. I wanna show you something. I wanna show you something. (LAUGHS) I can't. Can't or won't? Both. Both. The girl I knew used to be fearless. The girl you knew didn't have a life. Well, I... guess you better get on with it, then. Come on, Bryant! Come on, boy! Get in here. Excuse me. Do you know Bobby Ray Bailey's address? 813 Lafayette. You don't remember me, do you? You don't remember me, do you? Oh, I remember you just fine. You used to steal catfish from my pond. Yes, sir. I did that. I'm sorry. Of course, on the weekends, Bobby Ray goes over to the Carmichael plantation, visits with Colonel Murphy, it being tourist season and all. Thank you. Yes? Oh, hi! I'm Melanie Carmich-... Oh, uh,... ..Melanie... Smooter. I'm here to see Bobby Ray. (EXPLOSION) Yee-hah! If he's alive, he's out back. Come on. They're out here somewhere. Watch your step. Bobby Ray? Melanie? Don't move! (EXPLOSION) Yee-hah! Hot damn! Hold your fire, sir. I'll be right back. We weren't aiming for you. But I doubt I would've gone to your funeral. Guess I wouldn't blame you. I'd forgotten how beautiful this place was. I guess it doesn't take much to forgot a lot of things, does it? It's not like that. You know what? I'll tell you what it's not like. It's not like Jake's the only one round here that you run out on. I'm so sorry I outed you. I guess I figured if I was pointing at you, then... ...nobody would see through me. Bobby Ray! I can't find the fuse! (LAUGHS) I should go before he kills himself. Bye. Afternoon. Can I help you? Harry Lowenstein, New York Post. Oh, boy, am I glad to see you. I tell you, it's, uh,... ...definitely, uh, another world down here. Uh, did you say the Post? Yes, I did. I was hoping to get an interview with you and your family, maybe, um, a few pictures, if you don't mind? No. I mean, yes, I do... ...mind. They're not here. Oh, wow. This is just as you described it. It must have been amazing, huh, growing up here. Like a fantasy. Would you mind if I take a quick look inside? Actually, I'm on my way out. I'll come back, then. I'll come back, then. Uh,... OK, but just a peek. This is it. Home, sweet home. Wow. How old is this place? Uh,... ...it was built by my, uh, great-great-great... ...grandfather, Charles Carmichael, in 1853. Oh boy. I bet you slid down this banister a time or two! Oh,... ...and over here we have the, um,... ...kitchen, but who hasn't seen one of those? Let's start over here. (HUMS) (This is my favourite room. It's part of the, um,... ...Underground Railroad.) (Why are we whispering?) (The whole place is haunted... ...by ghosts of, um,... Civil War soldiers.) Dang... Confederate... buttons! No wonder we lost the war! Was that one of them? Melanie? What are you doin' in a closet? Hi. Barry Lowenstein, New York Post. Miss Carmichael was just showing me around the, uh, plantation. Uh, Mr Lowenstein is writing a piece on the family, you know, since I'm marrying the mayor's son and all. I had no idea. Isn't that something? Yeah. Well, a plantation by any other name is just a farm. But it does roll off the tongue a little sweeter, now doesn't it? Well, I do believe Miss Melanie forgot her manners. I'm Bobby Ray, her cousin. Charmed. See, when the Yankees marched through Alabama, they tried to destroy our metal-forming capabilities by placing gunpowder under the anvils. Of course, all they managed to do is blow them sky high for a few seconds. So in honour of that act of stupidity, we all` we get together and recreate it for the tourists. (EXPLOSION) Argh! Yee-haw! What the hell was that? Hey, Grandpa! This here's Barry! He's doing an article on Melanie's wedding! Never heard of her! (CACKLES) (BOTH LAUGH) Thanks! Well, aren't you just a big, fat liar? (LAUGHS) Bobby Ray! Oh, go back to New York! # 'Falling Down' - Avril Lavigne # If fear's what makes us decide # our future journey, # I'm not along for the ride. # Cos I'm still yearning. # I # am falling down. # Try and stop me. # It feels so good # to hit the ground. # You can watch me # fall right on my face. # It's an uphill human race. # And I, # I'm falling down... Hello! I'm sorry about what I said. Really sorry. You know what,... forget it. (CHILDREN SQUABBLE) OK, y'all, you need to eat and be quiet! We're gonna have us a little visit. # I, # I am falling down. # Try and stop me. # Feels so good... # You know,... he went up there. Who? Jake? When? When? About a year after you'd left. He doesn't know I know, but Clinton let it slip once. Jake was in New York? He told Clinton he'd never seen anything like it. He realised straight off he'd need more than an apology to win you back. He needed to conquer the world first. He's been trying ever since. That's why he kept sending the papers back. Yeah. Uh,... ...it's funny how things don't work out. It's funny how they do. 5 # 'Shame, Shame, Shame' - Cornbread (CHEERING / APPLAUSE) Now, listen here... # I tried to tell you, baby. # That don't make no sense. # Now you got me, baby, # up against that fence. # Ain't that a shame? # Yeah, yeah... # Hey, look who I found hanging out by the parking lot. Asked him to join us. Anybody think of anything in here that might bother Bobby Ray? Uh, Clinton's breath? Whoo! (LAUGHS) You still the same Bobby Ray from last night? Last time I checked, yeah. Well, then, let me buy you a drink. Well, you're really not my type! (ALL LAUGH) Oh, honey, you drink that from the top. I'm just looking to see who makes this Deep South glass. I wonder if you can get it in New York. It's beautiful. Hey, Jake? Mel would like to know where she can find some of that snooty-falooty glass. Why ask me? Oh, I dunno! Maybe because you're- Ahem! ...you're all spiffed up and all. Am I missing something? (CHEERING) Let's show some respect, folks. # 'Sweet Home Alabama' - Cornbread Jake, when was the last time you pushed me around the dance floor? Clinton here's got two left feet. Well, Miss Taylor, I'd be honoured. Let's do it. Come on. Come on, Mel, get on out here! Well, aren't you the Lord of the Dance? I ain't as clumsy as I look. She just can't keep time. You might have to prove that to me. Mm! # Now, I heard Mr Young sing about her... You know, he's pretty good. It might be you! Oh, the hell you say! Let me at him. Ooh! (LAUGHS) Oh, look at them two, welded together. Why do they fight it? # Sweet home Alabama... Maybe we could just talk. # Sweet home Alabama, # Lord, I'm coming home to you... # Come on, let's go to the roadhouse. Nah. What do you say we drive out to Fairview and bowl a few frames? I don't think so. You wanna go arrest somebody? Uh-uh. Hey, I know a this great place where we can- (ALL) No! Y'all, I think I might call it a night. (CLANG!) Hi there, boy. Sorry it took me so long. I would have come sooner if I'd known you were sick. Actually, that's probably not true. I've been pretty selfish lately. Dogs don't know anything about that, do they, though? You were always like a big old pillow. Like, when everything went pear-shaped,... ...you never left my side. And then I just left you. I bet you stood there wondering what you'd done wrong. I told him it was my fault. Quit being so nice. Quit being so nice. It's the truth. How come it has to be so complicated? What? Truth. (SNIFFS) Life. This. He was one helluva good dog, wasn't he? (SNIFFS) Yeah. You looked like you were havin' fun out there tonight. I'm happy in New York, Jake. But then I come down here and... ...this fits, too. Since when does it have to be one or the other? You can have roots and wings, Mel. Maybe I could just fly south for the winter. Look. What? There. You see 'em? Lightning bugs? Only you. You know, I still go out there sometimes. I see those big thunderheads rollin' in... It's like a religion. I had a dream about it the other night. You ever wonder what would've happened if we hadn't gotten pregnant? Jake... Just... ...let me get this out before I can't. I thought that baby'd be an adventure. And it took me a while... ...to realise it would've been your only adventure. I just guess Mother Nature knew better, huh? I was so ashamed... ...cos I felt ...relieved. All of a sudden, I just... ..needed a different life. You done real well for yourself. I'm proud of you, Mel. (LAUGHS) I'm just sorry I never danced with you at our wedding. I'm sure this next one's gonna go better for you. Jake, I can't do this- Hey. I know. Go home. 1 I'm just sayin', is all. I mean, I saw the way you two were looking at each other. Will you just shut up about it, Momma? I can't help the way Jake feels about me. He hasn't done anything wrong. He hasn't done anything right, either! I can't believe I'm even having this argument. I'm leaving. I'm gone. I'm marrying another man! Yeah, that's right, young lady. You get a second chance, so please don't mess it up. For who? For me or for you? Don't sass me, OK? Don't you dare sass me. Cos I have put with an awful lot from you over the years. Like what? Like me quitting your precious pageants? I didn't want you to end up like me, dammit! Now, you need to stay as far away from here as you can. That boy is quicksand. That boy is quicksand. What's so wrong with being you, Momma? I just think that... you deserve better, that's all. I know you do. You always have. I'll see you in New York, alright? Mm-hm. You'll like it. I promise. Don't you forget to say goodbye to your daddy. Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Daddy? Daddy? DADDY? DADDY? Who you looking for, darling? Earl Smooter. 5th Regiment, anybody seen Earl Smooter? He's about to surrender! Thank you! (TYRES SQUEAL) (HORN BEEPS) After you! Afternoon. How are you? Good, thanks. Yourself? No complaints. Beautiful house. Sure. You, uh,... you here to see Bobby Ray? Actually, I'm hoping to surprise Melanie. Melanie? My fiancee. You got the wrong house, don't you? This is the Carmichael place, isn't it? Are we talking about the same girl? Melanie Smooter? Melanie Carmichael. Oh! Well,... that explains it. Sure does. Andrew Hennings. Andrew Hennings. Jake Perry. Nice meeting you, Jake. (RINGS DOORBELL) Hey, Jake. What's goin' on? What's goin' on? Oh, you know. Just, uh,... ...talking to Mel's fiance here. Wondering if you might know where she is? Andrew Hennings. You must be...? I'm Bobby Ray, her, uh,... cousin? I-I see you've already met Jake, her, uh,... Her other cousin. (LAUGHS WILDLY) Family! God, it's great to meet you both. I think she said something last night about visiting her daddy up at the battlefield. The battlefield? You know us Southerners. I mean, the minute the Confederacy died, it became a memorial. Come on. I'll, uh,... give you a ride up there. That's great! Thank you. All right. Nice meeting you. # What this world needs is a few more rednecks, # so people ain't afraid to make a stand... # So, who's... ...Melanie... Smooter? Local hero around here. Why's that? She blew up the bank. And that made her a hero? Well, notorious, anyway. She was 10. Oh. Fortunately nobody was hurt, 'cept maybe the cat. What cat? The one with the dynamite on its back. She blew up a cat? He was scheduled to die anyway. From dynamite? From dynamite? The vet said it had cancer. So Eldon thought it'd be put in those chambers, you know the ones that sucks their lungs out. Little Mel, she couldn't bear the thought of that. She, uh,... she wanted something more humane. Yeah, sure. So, they were doing some blasting out by the new highway, so we, uh,... ...we took old Fuzz up there, taped him up. We used about, I dunno, 30ft of fuse, just to be on the safe side. We said our prayers and ran like hell. Of course. So there we were, sitting in Virgie's diner, feeling pretty blue, when Mel looks up and sees that damn cat trotting down the road, searching for Eldon. No shit? No shit. And we would've caught him, too, but once that fuse hit his tail, he took off like a shot. Into the bank? The theory is, he probably wriggled loose from the explosive, because people still see him from time to time, scorched tail and all. He's a little skittish round humans. That's quite a story. She was quite a girl. Whatever happened to her? Oh, you know,... ...wound up pregnant, married some loser right out of high school. (PLAYS 'THE LAST POST') (ALL CHEER / WHISTLE) Surprised? What are you doing here? I came to deliver your fiance. I think she was talking to me. Jake- It must be exhausting. (BOTH) What? Livin' a lie. What's he talking about? You and I are in love with two different people. Is he your second cousin? Is he your second cousin? He's my husband. Your what? I mean my ex-husband. You married your cousin? No. I came down here to finalise my divorce. Darlin'? Thought that was you. Must be your new someone! Earl Smooter. Glad to meet you. Melanie Smooter... Andrew, wait. Wait! Andrew! Wait! I just... Please! Let me try and explain myself! You don't understand. This is not who I am anymore! I don't know who you are or what else you lied about, but I know one thing. There is a Learjet in Mobile, and I am on it. 1 I know you're thinking I spoiled things good this time. Oh, hon, don't go accusing me of thinking. I'm not doing anything of the sort. Anyway, spoiled's in the eye of the beholder. Like these plums here... Some people might call 'em spoiled, but I think that, er, these almost-ruined ones... ...sometimes make the sweetest jam. Do you need help? It was kinda fun seeing Daddy up there surrendering. Yep... He sure does have a flair for the dramatic. You certainly don't get it from my side of the family. Hey, y'all! Look who I found walking down I-58. Hi. Hi. Hi. I thought you'd be halfway to New York by now. So did I. If I'd known company was coming, I'd've put on the dog. This is my momma. She makes the best jam in three counties. And my dad, you already met him. Yeah. And this is our home. This is where I grew up. Well, it's a pleasure meeting you both. I'm... Andrew Hennings, Melanie's fiance. Well, that is if she'll still have me. Look, Mel, I really don't care what happened down here. So, you have a past. I mean, who doesn't? What I need to know... is if there is a place for me in your future. Oh, good Lord, that is the sweetest thing. (Go on!) Oh,... hello, New York City! Woman, what the hell you gassin' about? Well, sir,... my mother happens to be the mayor up there, and she'd like nothing better than a... big, snazzy New York wedding. Well, I suppose I could take off work. Andrew, I, um,... was thinking, maybe we could have the wedding here. Here? Here? In my home town. (Look, if you're worried about the money, don't- ) It's not about the money, Andrew. Not down here. You know, A lot of people are expecting us to get married in the city,... ...but I think a nice, quiet country wedding is just the ticket. Earl? Pearl? If you folks could take care of the rehearsal dinner, I'd really like to take care of the rest. Well, I think we could cover that. Heck, how many times does your only daughter get married? (ALL CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY) Other than before. 'Felony Melanie'? She was never convicted. Oh! I don't know which is worse, child cat-killer or Sons of the Confederacy. What do you suggest I do, Ma? Dump her for being poor? You're supposed to be a Democrat, remember? There is nothing wrong with being poor! I get elected by poor people, and I'm a big enough to commend her for making something of herself. What upsets me is that she lied to you. So what? She was ashamed of her background. I mean, who hasn't been embarrassed by their parents at one point of another? I'm gonna assume that was a rhetorical question. Assume away. No-one's gonna change my mind about this. Not you, not the media, not anyone. Fine. But admit it,... I was right. Yes. You were right. But she came clean. Now can we move on? There is a wedding in your future, whether you like it or not. And how exactly does Little Miss Alabama plan to accommodate 500 people? I suppose she has connections at the jail. There are several excellent choices. The Travelodge, Days Inn, Motel 6,... ...oh, and the Golden Cherry Motel, where we will be. Laugh now, but if this gets out- It won't. The press expects the Plaza in June. # 'You Got Me' - Jason Chain # Something's # been creeping into my head... (TV CHATTER) (PHONE RINGS) (BABBLE OF COMMENTARY) Let's talk about your wedding. This place is gorgeous, and we can control the security. The Carmichael plantation? It did inspire your identity, did it not? You thought of everything! Yeah. Well, I always do. It's been great. Keep in touch. (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE RINGS) # You got me walking backwards. # You got me thinking sideways. (PHONE RINGS) # You got me talking circles. # You got me losing my way. (PHONE RINGS) # You got me crossing every line. (PHONE RINGS) # You got me, # just in time. # You guys remember the sheikh? Well, he proposed to me, and I think I loved him, despite his billions. Then why didn't you say yes? Because I hesitated long enough to realise that my head and my heart were saying two different things. Yeah. Well, it's a big decision. Well, it's supposed to be the easiest one you ever make. Wasn't it? Hey, Tabbi, this is it! This is the stuff I was telling you about. READS: 'Deep South Glass'. Oh, yes. Let's. Ooh, that's pretty. What's the matter? Oh, my God... Do we know... ..Mo? Mel? Wow. Look at these! It's what happens to sand when it's struck by lightning. She's pullin' your dick. No, really. I've seen it. You just have to dig it up. Huh. Oh, hey, Bryant! Friend of yours? Hey. Hey. I saw him first. I, uh,... think he's already taken. I, um,... I tried to call you a couple of times. Listen, since you're here, you and your friends should, you know, look around, have some lunch. You all should sit on the deck. It's nice. Jake... Come on, Bryant, let's, uh,... let's leave this lady alone. Come on. 5 (BELL TINKLES LOUDLY) Yes, sir? Can we help you? Uh, I-I'm looking for a Melanie Carmichael. Anybody here recognise that name? What business you got with her? I'm afraid that's a private matter. (CHUCKLES) Well, then, I'm afraid we can't help you. Damn reporters. Like the first ant of the picnic. Mm. Now,... this one here's from Louisiana. See? It's got a little alligator on the top. How sweet! I can see where your daughter gets her taste. (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) This is one of those disasters waiting to happen. You know? One of the big ones where only the cockroaches survive. It's going to be fine. (INSECTS BUZZ) One down,... seven million to go. Careful, you just smashed the state bird of Alabama. (SHRIEKS) Oh, Pearl. Oh, hi! Well, finally. Hi, how are you? Well, I can see why Melanie is so adorable. I'm so happy to be here. Hi, Earl. We're so happy to have you here. I'm sorry the place is such a mess, Mrs Hennings - Mayor! No, no, don't you dare. It's Kate. You know, I've been trying to get Earl to weed these shrubberies and repaint the trim, and everything. Oh my God, look how pretty she is, Earl! Yeah, I bet Kate could use a drink. Kate could indeed. Well, come right on in. I've got some fried pickles, hot right out of the grease. Yum! (BABBLE OF VOICES) It's a lovely chair, Earl. Yeah, but, to get the full effect, you gotta pull this here handle. DADDY, NO! You hold on to your drink, Kate. (SCREAMS) (ALL SHOUT IN PANIC) (SPRINGS CREAK) I'll get you up! # He's gonna marry me. # And we're gonna go to town. # We're gonna buy us a real good car. # And we're gonna drive around. # We'll hold hands, touch and hug. # He'll talk so sweet to me. # Cos he knows a lot about love and stuff. # And he's gonna marry me... Name? Uh, Buford. Wallace Buford. I'm not on that list, but I've got some urgent business with the bride. Not today, you don't. Trooper? Alright, sir, let's get turned around. # He's gonna kiss me on the mouth. # And he's... # gonna marry... # me. # Hey. There's a wedding going on. I heard mention of it a time or two(!) I sure hope this weather cooperates. (THUNDER) Supposed to be a big one. You know, Jake,... (CLATTERING) ...you're my only son, and I love you. But sometimes,... you are too much... ...like your daddy. She made her decision, Mother. For somebody who's been holding on for something so hard, you're pretty quick to let it go. You know, I can't control her... any more than I can control the weather. It's just nerves. You're doing the right thing. Am I? When I married your daddy,... ...oh, Lord, but I was a fool for that man. I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. I remember standing there, thinking, 'Oh, preacher, hurry up before he changes his mind.' (CHUCKLES) Look where it got me. Sometimes that man makes me so mad I could just wring his neck. But you still love him. God knows, I do, and only He knows why. Momma I think I- He can give you a life that we never dreamed of, and he adores you. He does, doesn't he? (THUNDER RUMBLES) Did you feel that? # 'The Wedding March' - Felix Mendelssohn-Bartholdy Well, even if he is a Yankee, at least he's sober. MISS CARMICHAEL! MISS CARMICHAEL! MISS CARMICHAEL! Get back here! Argh! Aa-aa-argh! (ALL GASP) Miss Carmichael...! Mr Buford? Mr Buford? Get your hands off me! Wait! Let him go! Melanie,... you are one hard woman... to get in touch with. Mr Buford, he signed the papers. What are you doing here? (He did. You didn't.) What? (THUNDER RUMBLES) You mean I'm still married? (ALL MURMUR) Well, only if you wanna be. For Godsakes, I thought you took care of this. It's an honest mistake, Andrew. Well then, can we fix it before we all get soaked? Does anybody have a pen? (ALL MURMUR) Mom? Oh, yeah, sure(!) (ALL MURMUR) Darlin'...? These things don't just happen, you know. Can't ride two horses with one ass, sugarbeet. (THUNDER RUMBLES) (SIGHS) Andrew,... you don't wanna marry me. I don't? No. No, you don't. Not really. You see, the truth is,... ...I gave my heart away a long time ago. My whole heart, and I never really got it back. And I don't even know what else to say, but... ...I'm sorry. I can't marry you. And you shouldn't wanna marry me. Wow,... so this is what this feels like. That's it? You're just gonna let her humiliate you with some bullshit about an old husband? Yeah. Yeah. I think I am. Excuse me. You... in my entire life, I have never met anyone so manipulative, so deceitful. And I'm in politics! I'm just trying to be honest. I will not allow the future President of the USA to be dumped at the altar by some psycho Daisy May! You go after him, you little bitch! Wait just a minute now here, missy. There's no need for name-callin' now. Now she spoke her piece, and that's all there is to it. Oh, go back to your double-wide and fry something. (ALL GASP) (ALL GASP / SHOUT) Nobody talks to my momma like that! Praise the Lord, the South has risen again! (ALL CHEER) (THUNDER RUMBLES) Hey, y'all! If you're friends of the bride, stick around! I'm gonna go find me a groom! Hey, cowboy! You owe me a dance. Nice dress. Where's your husband? I'm lookin' at him. Apparently you and I are still hitched. Is that right? Yeah. Why didn't you tell me you came to New York? I needed to make something of myself. You 'bout done? What is it about you Southern girls? You can't make a right decision until you tried all the wrong ones? At least I fight for what I want! What do you want? I don't even think you know. You're the first boy I ever kissed, Jake, and I want you to be the last. Maybe you and I had our chance. Fine! Have it your way, you stubborn ass! (LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY) What you want to be married to me for, anyhow? So I can kiss you any time I want. What the hell are you two trying to do, get yourselves killed? (CHUCKLES) What seems to be the trouble, Officer? I'm here to bring you in, young lady! What she do this time? Well, the way I hear it, seems she run out on a perfectly good cake! # 'Gonna Make You Love Me' - Ryan Adams # Riot on the streets, # the touch beneath the sheets, # it's only gonna make you love me more. # The cops, they got the guns, # night destroys the sun, # it's only gonna make you love me more... (HUMS 'THE WEDDING MARCH') # Faith can keep you warm but I'll teach you how to shake... # There we go. Well, folks, look who finally made it to their reception. Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs and Mr Jake Perry! (ALL CHEER) You might wanna keep those for the honeymoon! (LAUGHS) (CLINKING) Hey, hey, hey! Speech! Speech! (BARKS) (BARKS) Well, I do believe I owe this lady a dance. You sure do! (BARKS) (BARKS) (BOTH) Shut up, Bryant! (GRUMBLES) Hey, Stella, make it a slow one. # 'Sweet Home Alabama' - Jewel (ALL CHEER) # Big wheels keep on turning... OK. Y'all squish up in front of the plane! Huddle up! Huddle up! Scrunch y'all in, and smile! # I miss Alabama once again. # Heard Mr Young sing about her. # I heard ole Neil put her down. # I hope Neil Young will remember, # a Southern man don't need him around anyhow. # Sweet home Alabama, # where the skies are so blue. # Sweet home Alabama, # Lord, I'm coming home to you... All right. Just stand right here. All right, get real close! # Sweet home Alabama. # Oh, so sweet. # Where the skies are so blue. # Sweet home Alabama... # Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.