(grand music) (music continues) www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015. (alarm blaring) (door creaks) (inmates clamouring) (man yelling) (yells) (door clicks, squeaks) (voice echoing, fading) (yells, grunts, coughing) (panting) -(water sloshes) -(groans in pain, (coughing) (dogs barking) (men shouting) Motherfuckers! -(dogs barking) -(gasping breaths) (strained grunting, (panting) (low rumbling) (grunts) (yells) -(resounding boom) -(screaming) (continues screaming) (Hanson ` MMMbop) (laughing) (continues laughing, whoops) We're almost home, buddy! (horn honking) (rattling) (bleats) (whooping, laughing) (continues whooping, laughing) (laughing): Hey! My name's Alan, and I bought a giraffe! He's all mine! He's super friendly! (howling) (Alan continues howling) -(giraffe bleating) -WOMAN: Oh, wow. Look at the giraffe. GIRL: Oh, my God, where do you think it's going? (whoops) Oh, my life is great! I have a wonderful life! -(low grunt) -I have a wonderful life! (low grunt) -(people screaming) -(horns honking) (crashing, horns honking) (truck's horn blows) (crashing, tyres screeching) (loud crash) (metallic creak) (car alarms blaring in distance) SID: Yes, sir. Absolutely I will. Thank you so much. No, of course. No, no. And again, I'm so sorry. (beep) That was the mayor, Alan. It was an accident. You said you'd always love me no matter what I did. I know, and I do-- you're my best friend. But, Alan, why would you buy a giraffe? I've always wanted one! I can feed him from my tree house. Besides, they remind me a lot of myself. In what way? They're majestic... pensive and tall... -Pensive? -Yeah. -Where'd you learn that word? -Words with Friends. What friends, Alan? You can set it on "random." (sighs) Alan... aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You... you don't want to know the cheques I had to write to fix this. Oh, please! We're rich! "We" are not anything, Alan! I am well off. You... are my 40-year-old son... -42! I'm 42! -40... 42-year-old son who still lives at home! You are to go back on your medication, or I'm cutting you off. (birds chirping outside) You're bluffing. When's dinner? Your mother and I can't take this anymore! -ALAN: Well, you might have to. -I can't do it! -("My Life" by Billy Joel plays) -I cannot do this! I don't care what you say anymore # This is my life # Go ahead with your own life # Leave me alone # Keep it to yourself, it's my life # (faint, distorted): Alan! Alan! SOPRANO: # Ave... # Maria... # Gratia # Plena... # (inhales) Maria... # Gratia # Ple... # (whispers): My God, he's got the voice of an angel. It's breathtaking. Ave # Maria... # (holding last note, fading) (song ends) (clears throat) I can't believe my daddy is dead. (feedback screeches) I can think of so many people I would rather have died first, like my mother. (sighs) ALAN: As many of you know, my father and I... were extremely close. He was my life partner. He would often tell me, almost on a daily basis, that I was his favourite child. I'll always remember the last words he said to me: "I'm proud of you, Alan. Never change." Well... I heard you loud and clear, Daddy. I will never change. -Never, ever. -(feedback screeches) -(sobbing quietly) -Oh, Mom. Go ahead, chief. Sid Garner was a beloved husband, -(click) -father and neighbour. (heavy sigh) Wow, rough day. Yeah, how's Tracy doing? Not great. Her mother's totally on the edge, and if all this weren't enough, apparently Alan's been off his meds for almost six months. Oh boy. Yeah, it has not been pretty. Then there's the whole fucking giraffe thing. I thought that was pretty funny. (laughing): What? Come on, he killed a giraffe. -Who gives a fuck? -(laughs) You know, I wasn't gonna say anything, but Alan's been stopping by my office lately. You're kidding me. What for? I don't know. He just... sits in the waiting room and reads Highlights magazine. Fills in the puzzles, whatever he can, and then leaves. Check it out. STU: Wow. PHIL: Jesus, what are you gonna do with him? Actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about that. Linda really wants to stage an intervention for him. An intervention? Really? -I think that sounds like a great idea. -Yep. The thing is, she's pretty convinced he won't agree to it unless all of us are there. I mean, you know how he is. Oh, I don't know. It seems a little extreme to me. Oh, God. Look at him now. Okay, I'm in. When are we doing it? LAUREN: So, we talked to Tracy today, and she said that the treatment facility that they found -is really nice. -It's beautiful. I checked it out online-- great reputation. Who gives a fuck? It's in Arizona. We got to go on, like, a two-day drive for this shit? Here we go. They should just save their money and send him to fat camp. -Phil! -What? He should lose some weight, he'll find a woman-- that's what he needs. -The dude's lonely. -Well, if he's so lonely, why don't the two of you spend more time with him? No, trust me, you don't want that. No, you definitely don't want that. Oh, come on. He's not that bad. I mean, what's the worst that's happened? The tattoo? Yeah, the tattoo's the worst. Right? Definitely. Tattoo was the worst. Nightmare. Speaking of which, you ever get tested? Excuse me? You know, 'cause of the ink. That went inside you. I'm fine. -Take care. -All right, good luck tomorrow. -I'll pick you up at 11:00 -Perfect. -MAN: Thank you. -LAUREN: Thank you so much. -MAN: Thank you, sir. -STU: Thanks. LINDA (voice-over): Again, thank you so much for coming. PHIL: Oh, of course. This is Nico. Nico is a good friend of Alan's. -'Sup, bros? -PHIL: Oh, yeah, hey. And that's Blanca. Blanca's been with us -since Alan was a baby. -Hello. -Hello. -And this is Timothy. Timothy lives across the street. He and Alan swim together. -Hey, what's up, little man? -Hey. -Why don't you guys take a seat? -Yeah. (clears throat) Tracy's on her way back with Alan right now. Obviously, he has no idea this is coming, so things might get a little intense. But no matter what happens, remember, this is all about Alan getting better. Mother! Oreo smoothie now! Whoa. -ALAN: Hey, everyone. -PHIL: Hey. Hey, Timothy. Little cold for a swim, isn't it? PHIL: Oh, wow, look, you went to the pier today. How was that? We had a great time. Yeah. I played Skee-Ball for, like, 45 minutes-- it was a pretty sick workout. -Wh-What's going on? -DOUG: Uh... (clears throat) why don't you have a seat, bud? We just want to talk to you for a sec. Okay. -Hey, Phil. -Hey. (laughing): Yeah! -Yeah. Yeah. -What's going on? -(laughter) -Oh, you got me. -Uh... -DOUG: So, Alan, we're all here to tell you about an awesome place called New Horizons. That does sound awesome. Alan... this is an intervention. A what? Mom. (exhales) Alan, "I love you so much-- "we all do-- "but we can't keep lying to each other. Ever since you were a baby, all I want..." Oh, my God, is anybody else falling asleep? -Alan, listen... -No offence, Mom, but you're boring. BLANCA: Mr. Alan... Oh, now you? "I pick up after you for 30 years. "I cleaned your room. "I see things no one should ever see. "But I pray for you. -Mr. Alan, everyone..." -Hey! Someone should clean that up. -Alan! -Alan, you are not well. You're off your meds, and you're clearly upsetting your whole family. That's baloney! Alan, if you say yes to this, we drive you there today, and I promise you will come back a changed man. Who's "we"? Wh-What do you mean, "we"? Who's "we"? -We. All of us. Stu, Phil, me, you. You going, Phil? (sighs) I love you, Alan. (poignant music) (high-pitched, squeaky wailing) (high-pitched wailing continues) (wailing dies out, crying) (hoarse inhale, resumes high-pitched wailing) (wailing continues) But it's hard to let it go. . All right, so, this is Tim. 34-year-old male. RTC. Multi-vehicle... VOICES OVERLAP I think about the car crash a lot. I know he caused it and I reacted the best way possible. But it's hard to let it go. SOMBRE MUSIC When I asked what had happened to him, the doctors said he really wore the impact ` any more and things would've been much worse. They said he was lucky ` lucky I wasn't going any faster. Thank you. SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES It's OK. MUSIC CONTINUES It's OK. 1 (light music) Hey, Alan, you hungry? Want to get some Arby's? ALAN: No, thanks. You know, I meant to tell you earlier -- that's a really cool vest you got on. Thanks, Phil. It was my dad's. He died in it. Whoa. That's intense. DOUG: Hey, Alan, I just want to say what you're doing is really brave. We're proud of you. Yeah, you're gonna do great. Stop the car. I don't want to do this any more. -What? -I've changed my mind. Alan, you can't change your mind. Everybody's counting on you. I-I-I'm fine just the way I am. I want to go home. Turn the car around! Now, please, I don't... (crash) What the fuck was that? Oh, my God, he's doing it on purpose! Jesus, get out of his way. -Get out of his way. -I am. I am. -(honking horn) -Hey! Hey, get the fuck off! You have to exchange information. -Ow! God! -Jesus. Phil! Phil! Phil! -Oh, shit! Shit! -(screaming) (yelling) Get away from him! I'm trying! Oh! -Oh, shit! -Oh, my God! -(yelling) -Shit! PHIL: Shit! -(grunting) -Go, go, go! Lock your doors! Doug, lock your doors! DOUG: Shit! What's going on? Get the fuck...! Hang on. -(yells) -(grunts) (yelling, grunting continue) (high-pitched gasping) (shouting, grunting) (whimpering, panting) (gasping, crying) (whimpering) (yells) (Alan grunts) -PHIL: Stu. We're okay. -ALAN: We're in an elevator. -STU: Where are you? -(grunts) (screams) What the fuck is going on?! (grunts) (coughs) (grunts) Please, this is a huge mistake. You got the wrong guys! -(gun cocks) -No, I got the right fucking guys. Get him up. Pick him up. Put him over here. Hey, you're Black Doug. That's Black Doug. Shut the fuck up with that. Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God, it is. Alan, tell me right now, why is Black Doug kidnapping us? I said don't call me that shit no more! -Sorry. -It ain't Alan's fault. Thank you, Black Doug. -Ooh, motherfu... motherfucker! -Doug! -Doug! Just Doug, okay? -Okay, okay. Yeah. Why are you doing this? -MAN: Because... -(car door closes) ...I told him to. I'm Marshall, and whether you know it or not, we all have something in common, and it all started four years ago when this moron sold the wrong drugs to this dumb fuck. You have no idea the chain of events that were set in motion that night in the parking lot of a fucking liquor store. (door opens, bell jingles) (door closes, bell jingles) (register beeping) (register opens) What up, nigga? Excuse me? Chill out. I'm not a cop. Just in town for the night. Me and my boys looking to get our freak on. You sold Alan roofies. Oh, shit, I must have mixed up the bags. My fault, Alan. Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at me on that one. (voice-over): Damn, Marshall gonna be pissed off at me on that one. Marshall? You're Marshall. You brought us out here because of that? (laughing): No, you're not here because of that. You're here because some Chinaman I never heard of strolls into my town and takes one of my guys off the street. Mr. Chow? Yes. Yes, Mr. Leslie fucking Chow. You introduced a virus into my life. Oh, God, what did he do? He fucked me in the ass. Oh, he does that from time to time. Not literally. Jesus! A few weeks after your bullshit, I get word this sheikh is coming in from Abu Dhabi. (voice-over): He was looking to make some less than legal investments. He brought his two wives and $42 million in gold bars. (tyres screeching) It was a lay-up. Get down! Get down! MARSHALL (voice-over): We took it all. Two vans, each with $21 million in gold. My guys split up. One of them made it back. (siren wailing) One of them didn't. Is there a problem, Officer? Not anymore, motherfucker. (laughs) Leslie Chow stole $21 million from me on a Tuesday. Oh, God. I looked everywhere for him, but he's gone-- no one can find him-- until the little cockroach got himself pinched in Bangkok. So I pay him a visit. (voice-over): I offer him a truce. I won't touch a hair on his head. I just want him to tell me where my gold is. He refuses to talk. Not only does he refuse to talk to me; he has no communication with anyone from the outside except you. -Hey! -Hey. -Oh, it's unfair. -All right. -STU: Alan, you've been talking to Chow? They've been writing letters. Hey, those are private! "Dear Leslie, OMG, the McRib is back. Why was it ever gone?" -Exactly. -"Dear Alan, "I threw urine on prison guard today, blamed it on cellmate. Wish you were here." Yeah, I wish I could have seen that. Letter after letter of total nonsense except... for one common thread-- you guys... the Wolfpack. -Jesus Christ, Alan. -Five weeks ago, Chow escaped from maximum security detention. Oh, fuck. He stowed aboard a shipping freighter bound for the West Coast. Where is he? -I don't know. -PHIL: Alan, if you know where he is, you tell this man right now. Phil, I-I-I don't know. I swear, I haven't talked to him in months. We got to do it the hard way. -Aah! -Oh, no! -What the fuck? Hey. -MARSHALL: Let's go. -Hey, no, no! What the fuck?! Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? -Doug is my insurance. -Hey, hey! He stays with me. You don't give me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out. But that's insane; we don't even know where the fuck he is. No one does, but I figure the Wolfpack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work. Can you take Stu instead? Fuck you, Alan. Shit. (groaning) (grunts) Shit! -(Stu grunts) -Alan. Yeah, Phil. I need you to roll over here and chew off these hand ties. Okay. (grunting) -Oh. -Damn it. Ow. Oh, fuck. Got a little too much steam. Get off me. All right, let me just shimmy down. Would you just hold still? -Ow! -Hold still! STU: Help! Help! (panting) Holy shit. What are we gonna do, Stu? We're gonna go to the police. Oh, no, we're fucking not. Did you hear that guy? He will kill Doug, period. Chow is a cancer. He has been a cancer since the first day we met him, so we're gonna hand him over to this guy Marshall, and then it's done. -Hey, Phil. -Alan, not now. But I need you, Stu. I can't do this alone. Do what alone? -We have no idea where he even is. -Phil. -What, Alan? -Well, I was just gonna say, I got this strange e-mail the other day. I wasn't sure what it meant, but now I think it might be from Chow. "Fatty, it feels good to be out. I'm close by. Tell no one. I'll be in touch. Chow." This says "Chow." How did you not know this was from Chow? At the time, I thought it was "ciao" like "goodbye." You know, like ciao, arrivederci, Sbarro, -Papa John's. -I'm writing him back. Whoa, wait, wait. Just hold on. Gonna tell him that you're happy he's out and that you'd love -to see him. -Ooh, I would love to see him. Do you even know what's going on? Yes, I do. Phil's doing all the work, I'm his assistant, and you're standing there, looking like an idiot. I'm gonna arrange a meeting, and we're gonna take him out. Take him out? Who says that? How do we take someone out? We'll use drugs. Prescription drugs -- you know, the kind a dentist has access to. Good luck finding a dentist who will write fake prescriptions. Oh, I know one. His name is Stuart Price. Now, let's go find a fucking pharmacy. Ooh, you just got schooled, son. Are you coming or not? I don't like this plan. OK, then. Ciao. (Alan laughs) I got a pretty dope sense of humour, brah. (laughs) (engine starts) This amount with syringes is just weird. Go check it out. Everything OK? Well, it's just a strange request -- this drug in this amount and a pack of syringes. It's just a little weird. Yeah, it's just... it's kind of an emergency, so... -(laughs) -See, that right there, and you're acting all fidgety, plus you look like shit. In our business, these are all red flags. I need to call the prescribing doctor, make sure everything's okay. Aha. Well, you're in luck, because I actually am the prescribing doctor. Oh, boy, another red flag. It says here you're a dentist. Yeah, doctor of dental science. This is fucked up. Hey, Dad. I think we got a live one. How'd we do? We did good. I got Demerol, pack of syringes, and almost lost my dental license. -What about Chow? Anything? -No. Oh, look at this, he e-mailed me like 20 minutes ago. Alan, we've been sit... Give me the phone, please. -What does it say? -Oh, wow. He wants to meet Alan tonight at 8:00. Says, "Come alone." -Come alone where? -A bus stop. Oh... in Tijuana? Tijuana's da bomb. Oh, fuck. No, that's perfect. That's, like, a three-hour drive from here. -Yeah, Stu, try reading a map. -(engine starts) Yeah, Alan, try reading anything ever. Yeah, Stu, try not having such big horse teeth. PHIL (voice-over): All right, we need a plan. They're meeting on a bus bench in a public place, so Alan needs to convince Chow to go someplace more private, someplace where we can sneak up on him and drug him. Like where? I don't know, like an alley? What about a movie theatre? Fuck, that's actually a great idea. The lights go down, we take the seats behind him, we jab him, and it's fucking done. I'll jab him if you want. I've drugged people before. -Yeah, us. -PHIL: No offence, Alan, but we're not letting you handle any drugs. -You'll kill someone. -ALAN: Oh, please, I'm an expert. Remember the marshmallows in Thailand? -Yeah. -I made it so you could eat at least three before hitting a fatal dose. (slurps) Wait. So you're saying I would have died if I'd had four? Nobody eats four marshmallows, Stu. That insane theory is the only reason I'm still alive? Yes! -And you're welcome, by the way. -Don't say "you're welcome" for almost killing me. -Fine. -Thank you. -You're welcome. -Goddamn it! (The Coasters - Down in Mexico) PHIL: Oh, God. You know, you were right. About what? That place in Arizona-- it's not gonna help him. There is no facility that can fix this guy. We're gonna spend the rest of our lives dealing with him, because we're all he has now. You realize that? We're it. Oh, shit. Check it out. Is that Chow? Hey, fat stuff. -Leslie. -Da-da-da. Act cool, eyes forward. Yeah, okay. Anyone follow you? No, I don't think so. Good, good. Got to keep low profile right now. Chow wanted man. Can't trust anyone. Quick, give me some sugar. Come on, come on, come on. What the fuck? Did he just kiss him? Listen, I'm in a bit of a pickle, Alan. I need a friend. Well, I'm your friend, Leslie. Exactly-- that's why I called you down here. You're the only person I can trust in this shithole of a life. Well, that's not true. Stu and Phil are your friends. Oh, really? That's interesting. Where are they? Around. -Around where? -I don't know. (groans) Motherfucker, I told you to come alone! Leslie. -Shit. What happened? -Is he leaving? Come back, we'll talk some more. I'll give you another kiss. -He's coming this way. -Oh, fuck, get down. -Get down. -(groans) Leslie. Oh, fuck. (grunts angrily) Get out of the car, you mutts! Leslie, no. -Get off me, fat clown! -Chow! Chow, calm down! Who sent you? No one! No, we just wanted to see you. Liar! No one wants to see Chow. No, we... we miss you. -What? -We miss you, Chow. That's it. Yeah. We miss you. You miss me? So much. (panting) You miss Chow? Yeah, buddy. We... we "rove" you, Chow. (grunts) I hurt myself # Today # To see if I still feel # I focus on the pain # The only thing # That's real # What have I become? # What the fuck am I watching? My sweetest friend # Everyone I know # Goes away # Is that gonna be enough? -In the end # -Oh, yeah. And you can have it all... # -This will take about a minute to kick in. We'll tell the waitress he's drunk. By the time we get to the car, he'll be out cold. My empire of dirt # I will let you down # I will make you hurt. # -(cheering and applause) -(feedback screeches) Alan, sit down. That was really nice, Chow. Thanks, Phil. The key is to sing from your heart. So, Mexico, huh? What are you doing down here? You know, fucking, doing blow, same old, same old. Ooh, I got into cockfighting. Oh, cockfighting-- that sounds wonderful. Yes. Basically been killing it down here. That is just terrific. Right? I mean, that's terrific. I think that calls for a toast. I like that. To killing it. Killing it. Yeah, to killing it. Hmm-- mmm. You okay, Chow? I don't know. You tell me. (snickers) So, how many rooster birds do you have, Chow? -(Stu grunts) -Huh? -Whoa. -Shit. -Act cool or I open his vein. -Oh, my God. -Why you want to drug -poor Chow? -No, no, it's not what you think. -There's this guy Marshall... -Marshall? How you know that fat fuck? He says that you took his gold and he's got Doug and he's gonna kill him unless we bring you back. (crying): It's true! I swear to God, it's true! Chow, Chow, that's the truth. -(grunts) -Goddamn it. That motherfucker. Stu, you okay? -You all right? -No. We're sorry, Chow. We're sorry. We didn't know what else to do. -Next time, don't lie to Chow. -You're right, you are so right, and we made a huge mistake. (Phil sighs) So, what do we do now? That depends. Can I trust you? What is this place, Chow? CHOW: My house. Chow used to be on top of the world. Had three beautiful homes in three different countries. But this one, my Mexican villa, this was my favourite. Then everything got fucked! Chow go to prison, all my property seized, my homes... sold at auction to highest bidders. But I know something no one else knows. This house is where I stashed the gold. Marshall's gold? Yep. Hid it inside a basement wall. No one knows it's there. We're gonna go get it. PHIL: Wait. You mean break in? Look, Marshall wants his gold, and he's gonna hunt me down until he gets it. If we show up without it, he'll kill me. We're not breaking in anywhere. Not anywhere, Stu; my house. It's a piece of cake. I know every square inch of this place. The best part-- the guy we're stealing it from doesn't even know it's there, so he'll never know it's gone. (exhales) You guys know what's going on, right? -What do you mean? -Well-- and please correct me if I'm wrong-- we're not breaking into this house-- this house is too small-- we're breaking into another house. This is just a model, right, Chow? -What? CHOW: Hey! No! My chickens! -(clucking) -(gasping, yelling) -Ah, shit! -Chow, what the fuck! CHOW: Watch out for the claws! It's trained to kill! His beak is so sharp! Ow! Ow! Ow! -(gunshot) -Oh, fuck! Stay still! I'm trying to help! -PHIL: Don't! -STU: Get it off! -(gunshots) -(loud cluck) -(Chow laughs) Fucking bull's-eye! Are you out of your mind?! ALAN: Shoot her! Shoot her! Shoot her! (gunshots) Stu, the window! (frantic cluck) -Get it out! -OK, I'm trying! -Get it out! CHOW: Shh, shh, shh. Don't struggle. -(muffled clucks) -Let go. -(weak, muffled clucks) -You won a lot of fights, Wallace. -(weak, muffled cluck) -But not this time. (panting, strained grunting) (panting) What the fuck is wrong with those chickens? They're angry. All I feed them is cocaine... and chicken. (Chow chuckles) (stealthy music) PHIL: That's some house, Chow. CHOW: It was my Shangri-la. Now it's gone. (spits) Could you not spit inside my minivan, please? Jesus! Who lives there now? Some dot-com millionaire. He's never here. This is his vacation home. The help doesn't show up on Sundays. No one there but the guard dogs. Stu? We'll toss these burgers over the gate, wait for the Demerol to kick in. Make sure you put in enough to kill them. We're not gonna kill the dogs, Chow. This will knock them out for hours. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you worked for PETA. What a pussy. (laughs) (barking) (barking continues) (low snarling) (grunting) Alan, take that. (Alan yells) (muffled yelling) Where are you going? You'll see. Pardon me, little loser. Excuse me, fucking asshole. Follow me. CHOW (voice-over): OK, here's the deal. Two security panels inside -- if you cut only one wire, it triggers alarm. The place will be crawling with cops. But... if you cut wire on both panels at same time, alarm disabled. Yeah, but how are we gonna get inside without tripping the alarm? Check this out. (beep, whirr) (Chow chuckles) -Any more stupid questions? -Whoa. Now, who's coming with me? I'll do it. You want to tell him? Oh, um... Alan, you're just too fat. Roger that. (action music) Ow. (groans) Don't kick me, you motherfucker. No, no, no, don't get up. We'll trip motion detectors. Stay low like dog. Okay. Good idea. -Which way? -In there. The kitchen. (sniffing loudly) Aah! What the fuck is that? (laughs) I'm saying hello. We're dogs, remember? -(groans) -(laughs) Hey, Stu. Check it out. (muffled chomping) Oh, my God! So gross! (retches) (laughing) (quietly): God! Chow, cut it out! (stealthy music) (low grunt) (pants) Okay, I'm here. -Now what? -Pull the cover off so you can see the wires. Okay. (pants) (low grunt) (muffled): Okay. -Done! -Okay, on three, cut the grey wire. One, -two... -Wait. Wait-wait-wait. I don't have a grey wire; I have red, -green and yellow. -That's weird. I have light grey, medium grey, dark grey. You do? Motherfucker. My bad. I'm colour-blind. You're what?! Fuck it, just cut the middle one. My middle one could be different. -The wires are all twisted. -On three. One, two... Chow, stop! STU: God... Hold on, I'm coming to you. What the fuck's taking them so long? Where'd you get that shirt, the Diesel store? Phil. What? It's a cute top. Where'd you get that shirt? What's the problem? (grunts, pants) Just point to the wire you want me to cut. This grey one right here. Great. For your information, that's green. Ooh. (clicking tongue) Which one's red? The one in your left hand. Wait, which hand is that? I'm also dyslexic. What the fuck! -Where'd you get it? -I don't know. I'll find out. I'll get you one. There's a cool Diesel store in the mall that I like to go to, right next to the food court. I don't know if it's Diesel. Looks like a Diesel. What's the matter with you? Okay, you're still holding the one I left you with, right? Pretty much. -(Chow chuckles) -Oh, fuck. All right, on three. One... two... three. (relieved sigh, laugh) CHOW: Holy shit, it worked. -(Stu sighs) -All good? Easy-peasy. All right. You have no idea. Come on. Whoops. -Jesus. Be careful, Chow. -(Chow laughs) Fuck this guy! CHOW: Living in my house, living my life. Can we just stick to the plan? Fine. (Chow laughs) Ruined. (Chow chuckles) He is completely out of control. Let's just get this done. This way. Come on, come on. It's buried behind this wall. Alan. Here you go, boss. (screams in pain) (quietly): Fuck! -You okay? -Yeah, I'm okay. Just warming up. It's so heavy. Do we have a lighter one? Why don't you just let me do it, Chow? Okay. Either way, you and me, same thing. (grunts) You might want to take your shirt off. -Makes it easier. -What? ALAN: I've heard that, too. (grunting) (continues grunting) (panting) See that? Chow come back for you. PHIL: That's the last of it. You sure? Yeah. You triple sure? Yes. Good! (cackling laugh) Chow? Chow?! Chow! Chow! -(pounding) -Chow! Chow...! Chow, open this fucking door right now! (grunts) (powerful music) PHIL (in distance): Chow! (alarm blaring) (sirens wailing in distance) MAN: Stuart Price. No felonies, one arrest. Las Vegas, Nevada. Phil Wenneck. No felonies, one arrest. Also Las Vegas, Nevada. Alan Garner. Is this record accurate? Uh-huh. I did that. Uh-huh. Yeah. Masturbating on a city bus. Yep, that was me. Look, we've been here for five hours. We already told your guys everything that we know. No. You told them a story about a little Chinese man. Leslie Chow-- he's an international criminal. -Look it up. -A little Chinese man that no one in town has seen or heard of. And the hotel where you say he's staying-- there's no one there. Probably because he left town. That's one theory. Another theory is that you're lying. (Alan laughs hysterically) Lewd behaviour. Cracker Barrel, Christmas Eve. Oye. (speaks Spanish) Excuse me. (sighs) We're fucking dead. Why would Mr. Chow do this? Because he's a greedy piece of shit who used us. Yeah, but he's our friend. Oh... grow up, Alan. (door opens) You are free to leave. All the charges have been dropped. -By who? It's your lucky day. There's a car waiting for you out front. Go on. Let's go. Oh, Jesus. (groans) PHIL: What? I'm sorry. Wh-What is this? Get in the car. PHIL: Excuse me, sir? Where are we headed? (locks click) (suspenseful music) Welcome back. What the fuck? Let's go, guys. DRIVER: Out to the back. Doug? -Guys... -Get your ass back over here. Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break in to his old house. You broke in to my house. I don't understand. You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't. Oh, my God! What, you... you mean the half he never had? He's a world-class rat, and you three -were his accomplices. -Whoa. -No, no, no! -We had no idea! We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy! Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off. Thank you for desecrating my home! And thank you for killing my fucking dogs! We didn't kill your dogs-- they're just tranquilized. Oh. Right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out. What?! (singsongy): And somebody's got to pay. -He's right. -DOUG: No, no, no! (others screaming) (loud, gasping breath) (Alan squeals) My head of security. Couldn't stop three fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. MARSHALL: Unreal. (quiet, gasping breaths) (muffled whimpering) Ah, man. That's okay. I know it's scary. Hector, run upstairs and grab a pair of sweat pants for Alan here. (crying): I'm a 44 slim. Can you bring me a few options? You found Chow once; find him again. And my gold. Wait. We don't even have a car. Chow stole my minivan. Take the limo. Hector has the keys. And get going. I'm killing Dougs today. (truck's horn blows) -PHIL: I never saw anyone get killed before. -Right? My God, that was so intense. I mean, he just fell, and then he's-he's dead. -I feel sick. -Me, too. Well, maybe we should get some food, guys. (Stu panting) What are we gonna do? We have no idea where Chow is. I don't know. He took your minivan-- maybe we could report it stolen, and then they could track him down? It's worth a shot. Oh, fuck! I left my phone in the minivan. Well, if you lost your phone, Phil, I have that Find My Phone app. Oh, we have bigger problems than that, Alan. No, no, wait, wait, wait, if your phone's in the minivan, and Chow has the minivan, then your phone's with Chow. You heard him-- we have bigger problems than that, Stu. Alan, give me your phone. Quick. -That's brilliant. -Yes. -Hey, what's your password? -Hey, Phil. -Yeah? -No, that's it. -What? -That's my password. "Hey, Phil." It is it. (sighs) Phil gets it. Nothing worse than losing your phone. You just saw a man get murdered, your brother-in-law is kidnapped-- you sure there's nothing worse? You don't get it, Stu. You just don't get it, do you? I have over 60 apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you have any idea how much time and man-hours it would take to re-download those apps? You're... you are right. I had not thought of that. Thank you. Oh, God, it's not always about you, Stu! It's locating. -(beeping) -Oh, God, of course. What? Where is he? He's in fucking Vegas. Shotgun. (groaning): Oh... oh... (groans, sighs) Hey, Stu? I don't enjoy talking to you that way. I don't know why you insist on making me blow my top. We've been on a lot of adventures together, but it seems like you haven't learned anythin'. Anythin'. You think on it. I'll be in the limo. (whispers): He's okay. (Danzing - Mother) (music continues) Someone needs to burn this place to the ground. I told myself I would never come back. Well, don't worry. It all ends tonight. (music continues) STU: It says 200 yards up on the right. And there it is. Amazing. PHIL: Looks like he ditched it. -It's open. -No shit. We'll look around... and see if he left anything in here. -I found the Demerol. -Good. Keep it. -We're gonna need it. -Ah, I got my phone. No fucking keys, though. Alan, anything? No. Not even the gold. Why the fuck would Chow come down here? I know, right? Why here? ANNOUNCER: You can't match the pure strength and power of John Cena! -Cena puts Punk down! -WOMAN: Oh! (laughs) Nice. (door opens, bell jingles) Excuse me. Have you happened to see the driver of that minivan that's parked out front? Short Asian guy. Yeah, they're all short. (laughs) That's so true. PHIL: Right, but... (sighs) he may have been trying -to pawn some gold. -That would be my business, wouldn't it? ALAN: I like your T-shirt. I saw that show at the Forum. He played "Captain Jack." Yeah, I heard that was legendary. Woman... you have no idea. (exhaling): Try me. (inhales) WOMAN: Cassie, I'm hungry. I thought you ordered Chinese. Mom, I'm with a customer! You'll eat when I say it's time to eat! -But the doctor... -If you don't reverse that right now, there's gonna be hell to pay. (laughs) (Alan laughing) She's rude. Thank you. Yeah, you hear that, Ma? Nobody likes you! Yeah, keep your mouth shut! Whoa. You're smart. A Chinese guy came in here earlier. It was pretty weird. He pawned a gold brick. The thing's worth 400 grand; he took $18,000. Did he say where he was going? I'm sorry. Was I talking to you? He said he wanted three things. He wanted some girls, some guys and some bath salts. I gave him a card for an escort service, and he took off. (cash register rings) Pretty high-end, so good luck getting anything out of them. Thank you. (rips wrapper) -(teeth clacking on sucker) -(slow panting) (panting) (romantic piano music) (retches) (sucking) (crunch) We got to go. We should go. -Yeah. -Yeah. (blows) (chuckles) I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. Anything? No, I'm still on hold. (bell jingles) PHIL: Well, look how happy this fucking guy is. Have you ever witnessed a moment with that much heat? I mean, white-hot heat, brah. That was pretty intense. (laughs): Yeah. STU: Yeah. It's actually an emergency. He has a thick Asian accent. I totally get it, but this is a highly unusual circumstance, and... Okay. All right. It's an escort service. They're not gonna tell us shit. (sighs) Maybe an escort would. You still have her number? Yeah, but... it'd be pretty awkward. It's what we got. She smiled at me again, from inside the shop! (laughs) This is the best day of my life. (doorbell rings) -PHIL: Hey! -STU: Hey! Oh, my God, you guys! It's been so long. -Aw. -Come in, come in. -Thank you. -You look great. So do you! You're pregnant. (laughs) I feel so fat. -Oh, please. -Do you guys mind taking your shoes off? 'Cause I'm kind of a germ freak. -Oh, of course. -Yeah. Sure. (whispers): Al. Alan, what are you doing? Sorry. -Wow, you have a great house. -Thank you. I got married a year ago to a surgeon. Another doctor-- can you believe it? -Another doctor. -His name's Jeff. You guys would love him. Tyler, say hi to Mommy's friends. Hi. -Hey. -Hey. Wait, is that... -the baby? -Yeah. Time flies, huh? -STU: Wow. -PHIL: Listen, Jade, is there a place we could talk that's a little bit more private? Yeah, let's go in the kitchen. You guys want coffee? Perfect. Hey. You coming? Hey, Jade, is it okay if I go say hello to the little guy? Of course. (magical music) (music continues) Nice stuff. Thanks. Jeff bought it for me. Jeff. Who's that, your fake dad? Your name was Carlos once. Did you know that? No. Well, it was. And frankly, it suits you better. Okay. Do you remember me? No. Are you my real dad? Yes. I don't know, I mean, you got to understand, I've been out of that world a few years now. -Mmm. Yeah, of course. We totally get that. I mean, Jeff knows everything, and he's cool, but... We're just asking if you can call around, just find out if anybody might know where he is. We could really use your help. ALAN: You used to love it when I would carry you around. Sometimes I can still feel your little head on my chest. So, do you like this new Jeff guy? Yeah, he's nice. My dad was nice, too. We did everything together. He was my life partner. (chuckles softly) I really let him down. Okay. Wow. Just trust me, you don't want to go over there, okay? Not this one. I love you, too. She says there's this crazy Chinese guy, and he's holed up in the penthouse suite of Caesars Palace. There's girls going in and out, drugs everywhere. It sounds like a bad scene. -PHIL: Hey, Alan? -I... We got to go. (Alan sighs) I got to go, little man. It was great talking to you. High five. -It's great to see you. -You, too, Jade. Thanks so much for your help. Yeah. That's a great kid you got there. He is the best. TYLER: Alan. (light music) Oh, hold on. I have something for you. Perfect. Oh, please. I'll see you around, Carlos. (phone rings) MARSHALL: Yeah? -STU: We got him. -Great. Where is he? -Caesars Palace. -Change of plans. Tell him we're going to Vegas. I'm on my way. There's a spot just outside of town. I'll text you the details. Be there at 6 a.m. And make sure the little fucker's tied up. (whispers): We don't have him. Hey, Marshall? It's Phil. Maybe Stu wasn't clear. We don't actually have Chow. We just know where he is. Yeah. And we were hoping that you and your guys could go to Caesars and get him. I don't give a fuck what you were hoping. -The deal is, you bring Chow to me... -(whispers): Oh, fuck. 6:00 a.m., or your friend is dead. (phone beeps) Shit. STU (groaning): Oh, God. This place gives me the chills. I know, right? It's great to be back. So many good memories. Are you kidding me? Okay, so here's the deal. You need a key just to get onto his floor, and then once you're there, he's got security posted at the door. It's ridiculous. Let me guess-- that's him? PHIL: Yep. The one with the strobe lights. I got an idea... but you're not gonna like it. (stealthy music) -It's not gonna work. -Not with that fucking attitude. You know this whole place is made out of marbles? (whispers): Come on. Go, go, go, go, go. All right, after we stick Chow, Alan and I are gonna take him down through the lobby. Be waiting in valet, engine running, ready to go. Are you sure about this? Give me the Demerol. See you in 20 minutes. -Hey, Phil? -Yeah. Don't die. (exciting music) (ASAP Rocky - Fuckin' Problems) All right... you ready to do this? (panting): Yeah. Wait, what are we doing? (action music) Holy shit. (music intensifies) We're gonna climb down, and then it's about an eight-foot drop to the balcony. -All right? -Yeah. (spits twice) (panting) No, you spit in your own hand. Oh, yeah. (hawking up phlegm) (continues hawking) Dry desert air. (hawking up phlegm) Alan, it's fine. You don't need it. Okay. (dramatic music) (exhales) Oh, God. (dramatic music continues) (grunting loudly) -ALAN: Careful. -(continues grunting) -Phil! -I'm all right. I'm okay. -Hey, Phil. -What's wrong? -Hold on a second. -What? Hold on. Like, kick yourself out a little bit. Alan... -Stay still. -Alan! (camera clicks) Did you get it? No. Hold on. -(camera clicks) -(gasping breaths) (laughing): That's cool. (gasping, grunting) Oh! Fuck me! Oh! Oh... ALAN: Everything all right? It's okay! It's all right! I got it. (grunts) (grunts) Are you okay? (ASAP Rocky - Fuckin' Problems) (music continues) (whispers): Alan! It's your turn! PHIL: That's it. (whimpering): Phil, I can't. -I can't. -Come on. (whimpers) (gasps) (screams) Oh! Alan! You all right? Phil, call security! I think it's... I think it's slipping! -PHIL: Just hold on! -Aah! Aah! God! You need to calm down. I'm slipping, Phil! -(grunts) -Oh! Fuck! (frantic gasping) Oh, shit! You okay? Help...! Oh, no. I'm gonna die, Phil! No, you're fine. Just... drop down to me. No chance. I'm good up here. Alan, you can do this. I'll catch you. Just... let go. (suspenseful music) That's it. That's it. Just drop straight down. But don't push off. No! ALAN (gasps): Oh, God! Come here! Holy fuck! You okay? Yeah. Shit. -(hip-hop music continues) -(Phil panting) I almost died, Phil. Come on. I wasn't gonna let you go. You're my boy. And you're my man. Oh, what are you doing? Alan. (Phil panting) Okay. (panting): Let's go get this fucker. (loud rock music playing) (loud rock music continues) WOMAN: Hey! I have to get my... PHIL: Huh? (loud rock music continues) (Chow yells, grunts) CHOW: Motherfucker! (gunshot) PHIL: Grab the gun! (grunting) (grunts) Oh, fuck! ALAN: Phil! -Phil, you okay? -(groaning) Chow! Chow! (grunts) Chow, open the fucking door! (panting): Fuck. (women scream) (screams) (rock music continues) Chow, stop! You motherfuckers! Leslie, get down from there! Please! You're gonna hurt yourself! Nothing hurts Chow. I am invisible! It's "invincible," and you're not. You're just out of your fucking mind. Now, get down from there before you die! Die? How do you kill what's already dead? (crazed laughing) -(women scream) -Oh, fuck! Whoo-hoo! (phone rings) -Hey. You okay? -PHIL: No. Look up. (Stu gasps) What the fuck is that? -That's Chow! -What?! Follow him. (engine starts) (tyres squeal) Whoo-hoo! Whoo! (chuckles) I love cocaine! -(tyres squeal) -STU: Out of the way! -(honking horn) -(woman screams) -How did this happen? -We had him trapped, and then he jumped. He's out of his fucking mind. I'm out of my fucking mind! (crazed laughing) Wow. So beautiful! PHIL: Stu, do not lose him. STU: I'm trying! (horns honking) (Stu yells) (Stu gasps, pants) Oh, shit. CHOW: # I believe I can fly # I believe I can touch the sky # Think about it every night and day... # We got to pack up all this gold. We're taking it with us. Talk to me, Stu. I got him. Ha-ha! I got him! Oh, shit! Oh! Oh! (tyres squealing) Whoa...! Ah, shit. Fuck! -I lost him! -Don't tell me that! You can't lose him! STU: This is so much harder than you realise, Phil. I'm just a dentist! No, Stu, you're a fucking doctor. Now, go get him. -(tyres squeal) -(horns honking) Where the fuck did he go? Ah, fuck me! I should've thought this through. Shit! (groans) Move! (screams) -Stu? -Chow? Stop the fucking car! -PHIL: Stu... -STU: I can't! The pedal is stuck! -CHOW: What?! -PHIL: Stu? (Chow screaming) -STU: I can't see! -Stop, motherfucker! -STU: Get off! -Pull over! STU: It won't stop! (Chow screams) Get off the car! I can't see anything! (chuckles) We're gonna die finally. -(horn honking) -(Stu screaming) (both screaming) (Chow chuckling) (panting) STU: Holy shit. PHIL: Stu? Stu, what happened? Stu, what's going on? STU: We had an accident, and I think he's dead. PHIL: Wait, what? (panting): I think I killed him. Holy shit. (solemn music) STU: He's not moving. PHIL: Oh, fuck. Mr. Chow? (solemn music continues) Chow? (coughing) (gasps) Stuart? He's alive. He's okay. PHIL (sighs): Oh, great. Put him in the limo and come get us. -We'll meet you at valet. -Yeah. Okay. CHOW: Stu... (coughing) that was some ride, huh, pal? Yeah, it was pretty wild. I can't feel my nuts. Would you rub them and make sure they're okay? (coughs weakly) It's over, Leslie. (grunts) (powerful music) (grunts) Wait. Let's make a deal. Want Chow to blow your dick? CHOW: Come on, Stu. I could be a good wife to you. -STU: No more deals. -No, wait! You might only drive short distances to work each day. You might park securely at work. You may not drive your car to work at all. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: 1 (low dramatic music) Let's put the bags in the backseat. Trunk's full. (knocking) CHOW (muffled): Hey, guys? I'm feeling better now. All right, it's the next exit, then 4 miles straight into the desert. CHOW: Tell you what, let me out, we split the gold four ways. Everyone wins. (knocking) CHOW: Marshall gonna kill me! My blood will be on your hands! You want Chow's ghost haunting you for rest of your life, Stu? Floating over you while you make fuck on your wife? He's not gonna kill you, Chow! He just wants his gold back! CHOW: It's gone. I blew the first $20 million in Bangkok. That's why I had to get the other half. Enough! Chow, it's over! -You motherfucker! -(knocking) When I get out of this, I'm gonna rip out your fucking lungs! You hear me? You're dead! You're all dead! I didn't mean that. Chow loses temper sometimes. Please... -(partition rolling up) -I need help. I know... (partition stops, Chow's voice fades) That's the exit. (low, dramatic music continues) (grunting) (grunts) (panting) STU: They're here. Alan, they're coming. Grab the last bag. CHOW (muffled): Please, Alan... (weak knocking) (Alan pants) (cocking pistols) -Doug! -Doug! Step away from the bags. Let's go! -MARSHALL: We good? -It's all there. I promise. Not exactly. I'm still missing the original half. But, no, that... that's all we have. Chow said he blew the other half in Bangkok. Where is he? He's in the trunk. Deal's a deal. -(Doug gasps) -Oh, Doug. -Shit. Give me the keys. What are you gonna do with Chow? I just want to talk to him. Move. PHIL: You all right? (others gasping) PHIL: What the fuck?! End of conversation. Why would you do that?! Leslie Chow is madness. You don't talk to madness. If you're lucky, you trap it in the trunk of your limo and you kill it. MARSHALL: You did a great thing tonight. You should feel good about this. (electronic chirp) What the fuck? You think this is a fucking game. -(yelling) -(gunshots) -Oh, shit! -Oh! Toodle-oo, motherfuckers. (panting) -(gasps) -Oh... (groans) (seething breaths) (low growl) (pants) Chow... PHIL: Chow... -Chow, wait. -Oh, now you want to talk, blue eyes? No more silent treatment? Leslie... no. Stay out of this, fatty. No, Leslie. (slurps, pants) You shoot Phil, you got to go through me. (whispers): What? (dramatic music) Alan... Quiet. I'm in a stare-off. Today, you all live... because one of you was a friend. Alan, what did you do? I unlocked the latch between the backseat and the trunk. And left him his gun? Yeah, I didn't think it all the way through. He gave Chow fighting chance. That's all I ever need. (grunting, panting) CHOW: Fat fuck. (mechanical whirring) It's never easy, is it? No one wants to see that. Except for me-- but I was born bad. Hold on. I have something for you. (grunts) For your loyalty. (grunts) (panting) Oh, no, I don't want this, Mr. Chow. Okay, give it back, then. Come on. Quick! Before Stu smells it. (chuckles) I don't want it, either, Chow. Oh, please, like a squirrel doesn't want a nut? (Chow cackles) It's funny because he's Jewish. Don't you get it? Goddamn it. Okay, go on. Get out of here, all of you. Hey, chubster, I'll call you in a week. We'll get together. No, Leslie, we... we can't be friends anymore. What? ALAN: You're not good for me. It's not healthy. Alan, you're not thinking straight. Let's just talk tomorrow. Leslie, you're one of the coolest and nicest guys I've ever met, and you're smart and you're funny and everybody loves you... Alan, what is this? It's just that when we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt. Yeah, that's the point. It's funny. Well, I've got to make some changes in my life, and this is one of them. I'm sorry. (Nine Inch Nails - Hurt) Farewell, Leslie Chow. You're cold as ice. Shotgun. (music continues) (engine starts) (music continues) (music fades) (engine squeaking) (engine knocks, sputters) (engine stops) (Phil sighs) Everybody okay? Yeah. Alan, you okay? Yeah. Yeah. Good. Let's go home. (light music) (siren wails in distance) (quietly): Jesus Christ. You know what, guys? You can go ahead without me. There's something I need to do. Do you even know how to get home? Of course I do. I'm a grown man. I'll ask a stranger. (light music deepens) Good luck, Alan. We'll see you soon. (music continues) (starts engine) (hopeful, uplifting music) Did you know that just a couple blocks from here there's a place that looks exactly like Paris, France? I can't remember what it's called, but it's supposed to be magnificent. It's called Paris Hotel and Casino, and it is magnificent. Yeah, that's it. Well, I'd like to take you to dinner there tonight. Oh, sorry. No can do. Oh. Uh... I'm banned from the casino for life. Plus ten years. I took Mom there for her birthday, played a little blackjack. She split tens... -Oh! -I may have overreacted. They said it was abuse of an elderly... (laughs) I've done that. (laughing): Right? Whatever. I can't go back there. But, uh... Golden Nugget has the best prime rib in town, if that's... Oh, that sounds glorious. I'll send for you at 8:00. (warm music) Is that it? (warm music continues) (both laugh) I saw it once in a pornography. Oh. It's a nice gesture, but maybe we should wait. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. (light music) (chuckles) I'll see you at 8:00. (birds chirping) You look great, Alan. What do you think, hat or no hat? Uh... hat, for sure. -Oh, yeah. Okay. -(knocking, door opens) (laughing): Wow! Who's this guy? The vest and the cane? -I love it. -Thank you. Cassie picked it out for me. You look like Mr. Peanut. Yeah, I know, right? That's what I was going for. M-Maybe we'll just lose it. PHIL: Hey, Alan, I was just talking to Cassie. -She's an amazing woman. -Oh, thank you for saying that. She is an amazing woman. I find her much better than your wives. -Aw, that's sweet. -Oh. Which reminds me, um... (clears throat) we need to talk. Doug? All right, listen, fellas, now that I'm getting married, I'm gonna be spending a lot more time with Cassandra. -Of course. -Yeah. That's the way it should be. No, you slow your roll, Phil, okay? There's more. And you're not gonna like this part. I must resign... from the Wolfpack. Wow, that's... a big step, Alan. I know. But she's my soul mate, and my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me. -(laughing): Oh, my God. -DOUG: Uh, Alan, maybe never say that part again. Chill-ax, Doug. We're all adults here. I know you mount my sister; I've seen it, many times. What?! Uh, Alan, you are the best. The point is, you need to let me go. You in particular. I can't be your hero anymore. Okay. Sure. (shaky inhale) (exhales) (quiet shudder) Having said all that, I still would like to get together on Tuesdays for bowling, and alternating Sundays for general horseplay. How about we play all that by ear? Alan, it's time. Here we go. Ready? (long sigh) I'm ready. (Kanye West - Dark Fantasy) (music continues) (stealthy music) (engine rumbling) (groaning) (panting) What the fuck? (sickly groan) (clattering, cackling laughing) (laughing) (laughing): Oh, my God. You guys! We are so crazy. I'm wearing women's underwear. (laughing) (laughing): Oh, my God! Stu, don't freak out, but you need to look down. (chuckles) What? (Cassie continues laughing) (Cassie stops laughing) Oh, my God! (Cassie resumes laughing) -(screams) -(others laughing) (screams) (Stu screaming) PHIL: Oh, fuck! I have boobies now! -(laughing): Holy shit! -It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? STU: What did you do, Alan? The wedding cake -- it was from Leslie. (glass shatters) STU: Oh my God. We had a sick night, bitches! (laughs) -Oh... -(screeching) -(screaming)