'This is the story of my family.' 'Me, my three beautiful children and my husband.' 'There is our lovely farm.' 'It's been in my husband's family for generations.' 'The sad thing is my husband is away fighting in a war, so we're on our own.' 'We're all terribly worried about him, of course, but on the whole, I'm coping well.' 'Very well.' 'Very well... indeed.' No fighting in the best parlour! 'That's me. Coping.' Lemon drop! 'They're coping too.' Get off the furniture. Get off, off, off! (YELLS) Get off the furniture! 'We're all coping.' 'We're fine.' (BOTH SHOUT) You're on the furniture! 'We're fine.' Then stop shouting! We're not shouting, you're shouting. We're supposed to be getting the farm spick and span before the cousins arrive tomorrow. And instead, all you're doing is fighting, fighting, fighting. When what I want to be seeing is sharing, sharing, sharing. (GIGGLES) Imagine how sad you'd be if you had to be taken away from home because of bombs dropping all over the place. We're not sharing the jam with them. What? We're not sharing Dad's jam with the cousins. No, of course not. That's for Dad when he come home. I'm talking about your room and your toys. Why won't he reply to my letter? We're not talking about Dad, darling. But why won't he reply? His last one came years ago. No, darling. Look. Three months ago, that's all. You see? Dad's in the army, they move him about a lot, that's all. There is nothing to worry about. (KISSES) Now, I've got to run, but you've got to clean up for the cousins. What are they actually like, the cousins? They're city children. I imagine they're rather refined. And I am sure that they are very well behaved. (VOMITS) Blenkinsop, he's vomming again! Stop the car, he's vommed all over my shoes. It's alright, Blenkinsop. Stopped now. Where are my marshmallows? Master Cyril, are them marshmallows a wise choice, given your recent evacuation? Marshmallows are always a wise choice. You beast! You ruined my new Fonterelli patent leather pumps. I left the pale pink ones at home. You beast, beast, beast - Oh, look. How sweetly pretty. Is that the place? No. (COW MOOS) # "The Best Things In Life Are Free" - Frank Sinatra # The moon belongs to everyone # The best things in life are free # The stars belong to everyone # They gleam there for you and me (PIGS SQUEAL HAPPILY) # The flowers in Spring # And the robins that sing... (METER PINGS) Vincent, chores, now! But the piglets are getting sold tomorrow, and you said I could scratch them before they went away. Dad left me in charge, and what I say goes. Now get off. But Dad built the Scratch-O-Matic for them. I said get off! I'm getting off. And no more scratching. (MUSIC STOPS) I'm going to check the barley. Oh. (BIRD TWEETS) Oh, hello. (BIRD BURPS) Shoo. How is my gorgeous sister-in-law? No. Your coat's inside-out. Oh. Nylons you need with that skirt. No. No? No what? You know perfectly well no what. I'm not selling. Isabel, look at me. Look at me. Who am I? You're my brother-in-law. I'm family is all I'm pointing out, and that's why you can trust me. Alright, Phil, what's your point? We need to sell the farm now. You don't have enough money for the payment on the tractor. If there's no tractor, there's no harvest. The farm will fail - I said no. And Norman thought of a way to get some money so I will make the payment on the tractor. Has he indeed? What way? I'm in a hurry, Phil. Isabel, I can't point it out enough that I need the money. I'm only human, but that farm is - Half Rory's and half yours. Yes, I know. I know because you tell me every time I see you. But you can't sell it without my permission, and I do not give my permission. But, Issy, I've got the contract right here. Goodbye, Phil. (GRUNTS) I'm here, I'm here. Mrs Docherty. Don't start without me. Mrs Docherty? Mrs Docherty? Hello. Oh. Oh. There you are. I was so worried. You worry too much. And it doesn't help. It's just that you've been a bit forgetful, that's all. Now you... You look after the shop. I'll put away the deliveries. Oh, I was managing perfectly. You haven't started unpacking, have you? Unpacking? Where? (SIGHS WITH RELIEF) Oh, alright. I was just putting the flour away. It's gotten foggy. Ooh. Could you pass me the scoop? Yoo-hoo? > Yoo-hoo? Yoo-hoo? Good morning, Mr Green. We haven't had the pleasure but I'm Miss Topsey and this is my colleague, Miss Turvey. Charmed. Can you guess who sent us? Sent two lovely ladies such as yourselves? Father Christmas? Are you flirting with us, Phil? (GROWLS) (GROWLS) I can call you Phil, can I? You can call me whatever you like. Don't be so naughty. (BOTH LAUGH) Mrs Biggles won't like it. Mrs Biggles says you owe her. You ran up a big fat dent in one of her casinos. See what you gambled away, Phil? (YELLS) "I. O. U. one farm." Where is your farm, Phil? I like farms. We've come to get it. I respect that, ladies, and you'll get it. Mrs Biggles has nothing to worry about. I can fix it. I am fixing it. Please don't 'urt me. (GASPS) We don't want to 'urt you, Phil. Mrs Biggles told us to come back with one of two things. The deeds to your farm. Or your kidneys. (BOTH LAUGH) Not ripe yet, then, old son? Uncle Phil. Where did you come from? Oh, just on my way home. Be ripe in a few days, I reckon. Must be very proud. Your mum told me about your idea to pay for the tractor. What on Earth made you think of that, then? Well, I saw Farmer MacReadie at the shop. And he said he was looking to buy some Gloucester Old Spots. Eh? Pigs. I- I knew that. So when I offered to sell him our piglets, he jumped at it. Clever. Very clever. (TRACTOR STARTS / PHIL CRIES OUT) Come on. Feed it through. That's it. Feed it through. Come on, Phil. Think. Think, think, think, think, think. Piglets. Gotta get rid of the piglets. Gotta get rid of the piglets. No piglets, no tractor; then she'll have to sell the farm. (CAR HORN) Look. Cor, look at that. Is that a motor car? It must be the cousins. It can't be them; they're not due till tomorrow. Do you think they've got sweets? They must be so rich! They've got a chauffeur. Where are we? We're in the land of poo. Duck poo, hen poo, cow poo, goat poo. Poo as far as the eye can see. Here we are, then. Out you get. In fact, it's the British Museum of poo. Are you completely insane, Blenkinsop? Mummy would never send me to a place like this. Take me home. (SCREAMS) You see? They're savages. I refuse to leave the car. Put a sock in it, Cels. We've got no choice. Take me home right now! You know why we've got no choice, too. So let's just stop pretending we're here because of bombs. Greetings, covered-in-poo people. Do you speak English? You're early. Yes, Poo Man. We have come from far away. Far. From the land of soap and indoor toilets. Is that a Fry's chocolate bar with crunch chopping? Yes, it is. Would you like some? Pity. There's none left. (BLENKINSOP) Come on, Miss Celia. > That's rotten. That's life. Don't be like that, Miss Celia. Let go! Let go of the drinks cabinet, Miss Celia. (WAILS) Look here, mister. I think you'd better take these two great perfumed townies back where they belong. I just want to go home! Wh-Wh-Whoa! (GIGGLES) Oh, my shoes! I refuse to stay in this cesspit. I'd rather be bombed! Promise me you'll tell Mummy how awful it is here. Please. She's got to come get me. Promise me! You've only been here five minutes, and look at you! And you're just a chauffeur! Master Cyril, if you'd be so kind. Just hold your arms out for Miss Celia's clothes. Promise me! I'll talk to your mother, Miss Celia, I promise. For now you'll have to stay here. They can't stay here. They're rude. That's rich coming from someone who clearly doesn't know how to wipe his own bottom. Come here, you. Stop! My clothes! My beautiful new clothes! (GASPS) All in the mud! How dare you! You're trampling them. I should've enlisted. Wait till I tell my mother! My beautiful clothes. They're ruined. (SCREAMS) I'm in hell! You monsters! I'll kill you for this. Well, that's me off, Mrs Docherty. I've just enough time to get home and finish tidying before the cousins arrive tomorrow. Oh. That's nice, dear. All my cousins are dead. Goodnight. Goodnight. Give my love to Mr Docherty. I will. That's that finished, then. What? I've just put away the treacle. What? Where? It's all done and dusted. There's absolutely nothing to worry about. Oh, have a little faith, why don't you? (HUMS) (BUBBLING SOUND) Have a little faith, she says. Nothing to worry about, she says. Oh, no, no. Nothing at all. Children at each other's throats. Tractor about to be repossessed. Phil trying to sell the farm out from under us. Guests coming in 24 hours! My only good coat ruined. And 17 drawers full of treacle! (WOMAN'S VOICE) The person you need is Nanny McPhee. (BIRD SQUAWKS) (DEEP VOICE) The person you need is Nanny McPhee. Nanny Mc-Who? (DRAWERS SING) Nanny McPhee, Nanny McPhee, Nanny McPhee! (KETTLE) The person you need is Nanny McPhee. The person you need... Is Nanny McPhee. The person you need... Is Nanny McPhee. (POTS) The person you need is Nanny McPhee. (DRAWERS) The person you need is Nanny McPhee. (VOICES REPEAT OVER AND OVER) (VOICES GET FASTER) ..is Nanny McPhee. What a surprise. Not only do they behave like animals, they live like animals. (MOANS) I'm covered in poo. Good news, you'll fit right in. There's bugger all to eat in here. Except this. < No! Dad's jam! Put the jam down. It's only jam. If you hadn't noticed, there's a war on. We saved our sugar coupons for months to make that jam. You touch it and I'll mash you. Whoops. Touched it. I'll wake up and this will all be a nasty dream. I'll wake up in Harrods with Mummy. The shoe department. My maid tells me they've arrived. Would you fetch them for me? I'll wake up and there'll be some patent pumps... Cels, catch. ..with a matching cloak. I gather they'll be here today. That's it. They die. < Catch them! (ALL YELL) (WIND WHISTLES) (VARIOUS VOICES) (The person you need is Nanny McPhee.) (The person you need is Nanny McPhee.) (The person you need is Nanny McPhee.) (Nanny McPhee.) (BIRD SQUAWKS) (YELLING) Norman. Cyril. (CHOKING) Hello. Hello, dear. Isabel - Come back here, you big... How's your mother? Dead! Dead! And hurt them... You lace-covered pillock! Peasant! Celia, is that you? I'm going to ruin your hair! What a lovely frock. (BANGING ON DOOR) Oh, what now? I'm coming. I'm coming. (THUNDER CLAPS) (THUNDER CLAPS) Isabel. Not now, Phil. I was wondering when you say no, do you really mean no? Now is not a good time. I'll come back in 10 minutes. Five... I think I should boil you all an egg. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Goodness sake! Phil, go away. (THUNDER CLAPS / DRAMATIC MUSIC) Good evening, Mrs Green. I am Nanny McPhee. Oh, you're it! I mean, her. I mean... Who are you? I am Nanny McPhee. Small C, big P. Right, right. Thing is, I haven't hired a nanny. I don't need a nanny. I'm managing perfectly well. I have never had a nanny, because I don't want a nanny. I am an army nanny, Mrs Green. I have been deployed. Oh, no, no, no, no. There must be some mistake. Everything's under control here. ..You oink from hell! That's Cyril. He's not one of mine. He's their cousin. You parasitic... And that's Norman. Get your hands off me! He's mine. They've just met. They're getting to know each other. Through play. It's the war. It's not a very good influence. Indeed. May I come in? Must you? I mean, yes, of course. You must. Tea? Perhaps later. Let me introduce myself to the children. No, wait... Why don't you put the kettle on? I shan't be a moment. (CHILDREN SCREAMING / SHOUTING) Put me down! You're just jealous of my fashion sense. Get your hands off my suit. It's Saville Row! Please may I have your attention? (CELIA SCREAMS) I am Nanny McPhee. Ow! Please listen carefully. You are all to stop what you're doing and go upstairs to bed. You look like a banana. You look like an unravelled toilet roll. Did you hear what I said? You are to stop fighting. Get off me! Immediately. (THEY STOP SHOUTING) Was that supposed to impress us? (CELIA) What's happening?! (LAUGHS) < Ow! Ow. Ow! Ow! Not me too. Oh no! Vincent, stop! I can't stop. It's making me do it. It's her! What? She's making us do it. Ow! He's right. What are you talking about? It must be that stick. It can't be anything else. Argh, stop us! Stop us. Please! Please! Please! On one condition. That you apologise for hurting each other and promise to stop... ..fighting. Apologise? I'm not apologising to them. I'm not apologising to them. You broke the jam. They should apologise to us. Cyril broke the jam. (VINCENT) Oh, no! What's happening to me? (VINCENT) Dad's letters! They're going to get burnt. Keep away from them! I can't. It's making me. Please! Alright, we'll apologise. I'm sorry I hit you with the fire tong, Celia. I promise not to do it again. Put me down! I'm sorry! Sorry, Cyril. Celia, please, it's our dad's letters. Ow! Alright. I apologise! I'm sorry! Cyril! Apologise! Please. The letters! Cyril! Cyril! Say you're sorry. Please! Alright, alright, I'm sorry. Help! > (BIRD SQUAWKS) What are you doing here, Mr Edelweiss? You naughty bird. Tiresome creature. If you're trying to impress me, it's not working. Get. Off. Get off. (SQUAWKS) No. You are still not forgiven. You know what you did. It is rude to stare. Upstairs to bed, please. Good night, Mum. Good night, Aunt Isabel. Night, Aunt Isabel. I do hope you sleep well. Vincent, would you please put those back where they belong? Ooh. (EXCLAIMS) Thank you, Nanny McPhee. You're welcome. Off you go. (SQUAWKS) Shush. And make yourself scarce. Go on. Shoo! These children require five lessons, Mrs Green. Lesson one, to stop fighting, is complete. They've stopped fighting? Mmm. Early beds tonight, I think. Leave it to me. You should be able to have a little time to yourself. Time to myself? Mmm. Time to myself. > She's coming. We're not fighting. I can see that, Vincent. Thank you. Look, I don't know how all that happened downstairs, but I'm in charge, and I don't need a nanny to help. My sister and I aren't even part of this family, so whoever you've come to look after, it isn't us. Listen to me very carefully. I am going to explain to you the way I work. When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me, but no longer need me, then I have to go. How could anyone possibly want you? It's an odd thought, I grant you, but there it is. Now to business. In the absence of any spare beds, Norman, I presume, will be sharing with Cyril? (SNORTS) I'd rather share with a goat. A goat wouldn't have you, and neither will I. I see. Celia, Megsie, would you be willing to share a bed? I'm not sharing with that harpy. I'd rather share with Geraldine. She's our cow, and I'd rather share with an elephant. Thank you, Vincent, but you will not be required to share. Ha-ha. I don't have to share! I don't have to share! The rest of you, however, will have to come to some agreement. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never! (RUMBLING NOISE) (COW PASSES WIND) Oh, I am so sorry. I do beg your pardon. How are they managing? You must be exhausted. Do sit down. I'm making some tea. Sorry, I haven't got any biscuits. No one's got any biscuits, in fact. Are they alright up there? Are they sharing? Yes, they are sharing very nicely. Indeed. They came up with all the arrangements for themselves. But that's a miracle. What did you... How on Earth did you do it? I'm afraid that's classified information, Mrs Green. The army is very strict about such matters. Oh, yes, of course. Tea! Can you believe it, I haven't even a plain old biscuit to offer you. I'm so sorry. You're not leaving us, are you? Certainly not. Oh. Thank goodness. These children need me. Thing is, I can't afford to pay you at - Do not concern yourself, Mrs Green. The army remunerates me, and I have arranged my own accommodation. Oh. Goodnight, Mrs Green. Enjoy your tea. (MEGSIE) Move over. Your hoof's in my ear. (CELIA) I haven't got hooves. Not you, you idiot. Geraldine. (GERALDINE MOOS) (CYRIL) What is that frightful stench? (NORMAN) It's the goat, you fool. This is that ghastly nanny's doing, I know it is. (VINCENT) Would you like a pillow, little elly? You're a bit big for this bed. But I don't mind. (Geraldine, you're not co-operating.) (Co-operate.) Just go to sleep... (SCREAMS) Urgh! Urgh. Calm yourself. Are you... ..Mrs Biggles? I am Nanny McPhee. Small C, big P. Good evening. (Right.) (ALL SNORING / ANIMALS GRUNTING) Oh, my darling. Where are you? Piglets? Piglets? Come here. (SNORTS LIKE A PIGLET) Piggies. (PIGLETS SQUEAK) Piglets. Piglets! (SNORTS) Hello. Off you go, piglet. That's it. Once you're gone, I'll get the farm. (ROOSTER CLUCKS) (TRUMPET BLARES) (TRUMPET GOES OUT OF TUNE) Hmm. Rise and shine. Beds made, nice neat hospital corners, if you please. Downstairs for breakfast. At the double. My elephant's gone. May I say it's typical of this family to hire a nanny with a face that could win the war hands down. We've not hired her, and she's not our nanny. Who is she, then? How does she make us do those things? I have a theory. She's a secret weapon. Definitely. My father's very high up in the War Office, so I know about these things. I suspect that that stick of hers releases some odourless chemical when she bangs it. To put it simply, she gassed us. Don't be daft. That can't possibly be legal. I am pleased to report, Mrs Green, that lesson two, to share nicely, is complete. Oh, that's wonderful. (MILITARY MARCH MUSIC) Is that you, Cyril? It is. Good morning, darling. Why are you wearing a gas mask? In case of a gas attack, Aunt Isabel. I don't think there's going to be a gas attack in this part of the country, darling. That's why your parents sent you here. Poor thing. London must be worse than I thought. Mmm. Where's Celia, dear? Looking for something to wear. Oh, yes. I am so sorry. Your mother will never forgive me. Don't tell me that's cheesecloth. Eurgh. Horrid, ugly, shapeless. Don't forget, Norman, Farmer MacReadie is coming for the piglets at noon. I'll be back in time for that. I've got to run. There's a delivery of mouse traps at the shop. Got to get to them before Mrs Docherty... > (TAPPING ON WINDOW) For heaven's sake. (CHIRPS) I'll see you outside. Huh? (BURPS) Don't be so disgusting. You have wind because you have collywobbles, and you have collywobbles because you've been eating window putty. I'm not interested, Mr Edelweiss. All the piglets have gone? Yes. That is interesting. Very interesting. Hmm. That's that done. Right. Chores. Megs, feed Geraldine. I'll get the piglets ready for Farmer MacReadie. Vinnie's collecting the eggs. Cyril, you can sweep up the dung. I'd love to sweep up the dung. It's almost my favourite activity. But, sadly, I've left my dung sweepers at home. Perhaps Celia... I'm coming back for you. (SLOW ENCHANTING MUSIC) What are you wearing? I think it's mostly tulle. (GASPS) That's my mother's wedding dress. This old thing? It can't be. It hasn't even got a train. Take. It. Off. I will do no such thing. You ruined all my clothes, and it's the only decent thing in the house. You've stolen that. Take it off! I haven't stolen it. I've borrowed it. < Megsie! The piglets have escaped! What? There's a hole. They're all gone! We've got to find them before Farmer MacReadie comes. Come on, Norman! Move. You can't be serious. Listen, they're prize piglets. The money we get from them pays the tractor hire. We lose the tractor, we lose the harvest. And if we lose the harvest, we'll lose the farm. How frightful for you. Please, this is our dad's farm, and the harvest is everything. No. You can't make me. And you can't make me either. I've got my gas mask on, so that stick of yours won't work. Furthermore, I'm going to report you to my father, who is very high up in the War Office. There's no time for this. What if it was your dad's farm? You'd help, wouldn't you? Would you, Cyril? Hmm? Help your father? Blast you all. No, no, no. I can't possibly run in these heels. Don't you dare gas me. There's one. What are YOU doing here? Just... helping. Come on if you're coming. Shh. Come on! I'm only helping till Mummy comes. Catch it. I've got one. Careful it doesn't bite. (Right, take it slowly.) They've caught two already? (TWEETS) That'll never do. Well, we don't want to make it too easy for them. (SNORTS) Hey! What on Earth's it doing? Blimey! Is that normal? No, it's not. I had no idea country life could be quite so entertaining. (ALL SHOUT) (ALL GIGGLE) (SHOW MUSIC) Did you know, I had no idea pigs could swim so stylishly. They can't. (ALL LAUGH) After them! Hi there, Phil. Hello, Farmer MacReadie. Whoa. Whoa. Sorry to hear about the piglets. Piglets? What? My piglets? Yeah. Haven't you heard? They've gone. Disappeared. Escaped. Escaped? Dear, oh dear. What a shame. Dreadful thing. Escaped, eh? Funny things, pigs. Clever. I knew a pig once that could play Scrabble. Tapped out the words with his trotter. (TAPPING) Sty. Good score. Dear, oh dear. Isabel will be in a right tiz. Well, thanks for letting me know, Phil. You saved me a journey. Bye, then. Wait up, there. One good turn deserves another. I'll give you a ride. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll walk. Jump in. I'm good, thanks. It's no bother. Turn around. Don't be daft. Cheerio. Come on now. Shoo. Up you jump. No, please. Go on. Alright. (SIGHS) I don't know how we'll catch them. They're getting sold in half an hour. If I may suggest, we need to use strategy, tactics a proper movement order. And you're trained where... exactly? Cadet school. Oh. Fair enough. Go on, then. Right. Now, we're here, and they're there. They're there and possibly over there... Megsie? Ready. Celia? Ready. (WHISTLES) (PIGLETS SQUEAL) (THEY MOUTH) They've dug a hole. Where are the piglets, Isabel? They've gone. Oh no. Every single one of them. Piggy. Oink. Oink. What will we do? They maybe got wind of the move, Mrs Green. Clever things, are pigs. Very clever. How will we pay for the tractor? How will we get the harvest in? I'll try and help if I can, Mrs Green, but I've got my hands full with my wheat. What with my boys off fighting. Terrible thing, war. Curse these flat feet. I'm sorry you had a wasted journey. Oh, no, not a worry. Good luck. I know. They're hiding. Isabel, sign it. I've got a buyer today. I might not have a buyer tomorrow. It won't be so bad. Think about it. No more worrying about tractors or harvest. > Pigs! Pigs! Children. (THEY CHAT EXCITEDLY) Look. Hurrah! (ALL TALK EXCITEDLY) Right, there you are. Tractor money. They're worth a lot more than that. These piglets are geniuses. (CHUCKLES) They can do synchronised swimming. We do not tell fibs in this house. They did. Megsie. But they did do synchronised swimming. That's enough. Shush. They can climb trees. Stop telling fibs. Pigs don't climb trees. Stop being so silly. He's only trying to get a bit more for 'em, and quite right too. Clever things, are pigs. Thank you. Alright, come on. I knew a pig once, could count to ten in French. Really? No. (LAUGHS) Synchronised swimming. Climbing trees? The very idea. (ALL TALK AT ONCE) It was true! It was like magic. Yes. Like... Magic. Synchronised swimming. (LAUGHS) I'm so proud of you. Let me hug you. Is that... Is that my wedding dress? It was our fault. We spoiled Celia's - No, it's my fault. I borrowed it without asking. I didn't mean to chase the piglets in it. I'm terribly sorry. Where's the veil? We used it to catch the piglets. It's here. That was my fault, I'm afraid. We needed a net. Sorry. Well, I never. How clever you all are. I'll tell me what, tomorrow we'll jolly well have a picnic. And after I've paid up the tractor, we'll use the extra pennies for ginger beer! (ALL) Hooray! Ginger beer? Ginger beer? Lesson three, to help each other, is complete. > (PIG GRUNTS) Clever things, pigs. Bye-bye, Tilly. Bye-bye, Dora. Bye-bye, piggies. (CAR HORN) Mummy! Look, it's Mummy. See, I told you she'd come. Cels, don't. Mummy, you'll never guess. We just rescued some little pigs. They were dancing and... Where's Mummy? Her ladyship's still in London, Miss Celia. But did you give her my message? I did, Miss Celia. Has she sent you to bring me home? Regretfully not, Miss Celia. My only instruction was to bring the pumps you left behind. Fonterelli, I believe? I suppose she's very busy. That's right, Miss. She's very, very busy. (CYRIL) What are you gawking at? We're not some freak show. Cyril, we didn't mean - Get away. You don't know anything about us. (INHALES) Hmm. I don't want them. Can I look at them? I don't care for them. You can have them if you want. These are my best. But you can have them for everyday. All right, so, this is Tim. 34-year-old male. RTC. Multi-vehicle... VOICES OVERLAP I think about the car crash a lot. I know he caused it and I reacted the best way possible. But it's hard to let it go. SOMBRE MUSIC When I asked what had happened to him, the doctors said he really wore the impact ` any more and things would've been much worse. They said he was lucky ` lucky I wasn't going any faster. Thank you. SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES It's OK. MUSIC CONTINUES (SWING MUSIC) (CHILDREN GIGGLE) You're it! Not yet! Not yet. Oh, look, Mr Docherty. How thoughtful. They've put out cushions. Actually, Mrs Docherty, I regret to inform you that's a cow pat, not a cushion. Oh. Can't I sit on it anyway? It looks so comfortable. Oh. There we are. Erm... Can you help me down? (SQUELCHING NOISE) Oh, yes, it's very comfy. Are you going to sit down? Would you like a bun, Nanny McPhee? I think I'd better not. Thank you. > (BURP) Oh, for heaven's sake. Get away with you, Mr Edelweiss. You revolting bird. Get off. I don't want you there. What's he done to make you so cross with him? He eats inappropriate substances. (BURPS) I'm so sorry. Such as? Such as window putty. (BURPS) Oh. Window putty? Such as the window putty in every single one of my window panes, which all fell out at once. (BURPS) Oh, please. That's bad. I don't care how much you love it, you deplorable creature. It is a nasty habit. What are all your medals for, Nanny McPhee? Courage. Kindness. Resolve. Imagination. Enthusiasm. Basket work. And leaps of faith. > Sandwiches. (ALL) Hooray! > In my... In my capacity as warden, Mrs Green, might I suggest that you provide the family with protective headgear in case of bombs dropping all of a sudden. Mrs Docherty and I wear these at home - I don't think bombs are going to drop in this part of the country, Mr Docherty. We're in the middle of nowhere. Well, that is where you are possibly even tragically mistaken. Picture this. An enemy plane. (MAKES PLANE NOISES) Carrying an enemy bomb. An enemy pilot. With a bad cold - They get them, you know. Same as we do. He sneezes once. Aaaaa-choo! Nothing occurs. He sneezes a second time. Aaaaaa-choo! Again, all is well. He sneezes a third time, and watch very carefully now. Aaaaaa-choo. (JUMPS) He hits the big red button with his big red nose, and it's... ..bombs away. (MAKES WHISTLING NOISE) Oh, kettle's boiled. (MAKES EXPLOSION NOISES) Big bang. Oh dear. What a thought. We'll just have to hope that none of them catch a cold, won't we, Mrs Docherty? Egg and cress or beef paste? Ham. (SWING MUSIC) (GIGGLING) (GIRLS CHEER) (ROARS) (SCREAMS) Shoo, shoo, shoo. < Time for ginger beer. Megsie has more. I've got two drops left. There's Uncle Phil. Quick, hide the cake. I wasn't sure he was coming. But here he is with the silly contract. Oh, wait! That looks more like a letter. Norman, Megsie, Uncle Phil's got a letter for us! A letter from Rory. That'll be nice after all their waiting. That's not a letter, dear. It's yellow. It's a telegram. > What's that? From the War Office. That's not for us, is it? It's not always bad news, is it? I mean, we've got to have a little faith, haven't we? Oh. Mum? Killed in action. (MR DOCHERTY) I'm so sorry. Rotten luck. It's a brilliant bit of design, this machine. You must be - He's not dead, you know. What? He's not dead. I know he's not. They've got it wrong. Norman, the army doesn't get it - They've got it wrong. Sorry. But how? H- How do you know? Look, my dad's always saying he feels things in his bones. He can feel weather coming. And he knows when things are going to happen. Like if a cow's going to calf. Or if a lamb's in trouble. And he's always right. Every time. I can feel it in my bones that he's alive. I just know it. You don't think that you feel this way because you just heard - No, it's not that. I just know. Alright. So what do you want to do about it? We need to find out where he is, and we need to find out fast. Mum will sell the farm if she believes he's dead. She'll think we can't manage on our own. Thing is, how do I find him? We can't very well go off looking for him. There might be a way. What? What? Tell me. Well, it's just my father... He's very high up in the War Office. Exactly. He'd be able to find out quickly. Where is he? London. Then how do we get to him? I don't know. We need help. Shall we ask your mother? No. No, we need to prove he's alive. Bring her proof. Then who? Who can help us? (FAST, DETERMINED MUSIC) (MEGSIE) 'The boys are on their way to London.' They can't be. They said they were checking the barley. No, listen. "Megs, Dad not dead." "Feel it in bones." "Don't tell Mum." "I've gone to London to get proof." "It's the only thing that'll stop her from selling the farm." But she's decided to sell. She said so. Can't we tell her? No. Norman's right, we can't say anything till he has proof. So we've got to stop her till he gets back. Exactly. Where are we? Chelsea. Haven't you been here before? I've never even been to London before. (MOTORBIKE REVS) Lord Nelson! (BLOWS A KISS) # "Rule, Britannia!" (ROARS) (BRAKES SCREECH) (HORSE WHINNIES) What are we going to do? This'll take ages. Oh dear. Oh dear. I was hoping to avoid this but, Norman, could you please turn that little red wheel all the way clockwise? Thank you. Nanny McPhee, how long's this going to - Argh! I can't bear London in the traffic. Morning. Morning. Sleep well? Yes, thanks. (YELLS) Look what I got. What's that? It's a kidney dish, Phil. It fits two in quite snugly. (THEY LAUGH) Surely you don't need both. Listen, ladies, the deeds to the farm will be in your hands before you know it. Oh, I do hope so, Phil, cos the fact is kidney removal is a long and painful procedure. (GROANS) And we're on a very tight schedule. (GIGGLES) Here we are. Out you get. Ready? Ready. Best of luck. You alright? Yes. Bit nervous, but yes. Sir, we're here to see Lord Graham. A matter of life and death. Get lost before I thump ya. (MOUTHS) He's my father. Prove it. What? Prove it or hop it. > Sergeant Jeffries. You've grown. Nanny McPhee, ma'am! At your service, ma'am. At ease, Ralph. Lesson 3 paid off I see. Certainly did, ma'am. How's the army treating you? Proudly, ma'am. Have you learnt to eat your greens? Well? I can't lie to you, Nanny McPhee. Broccoli still presents a challenge. Try it with cheese. And don't forget, in May and June asparagus can be a pleasant alternative. I shall answer for these children. Please let them in immediately. On the double, Nanny McPhee, ma'am. (WHISTLES) (MILITARY MARCH MUSIC) (MILITARY MARCH MUSIC) (ISABEL) Alright, Phil, I'm ready to sign. Mum. What are you doing? You know what I'm doing, darling - But you've got to wait for Norman - No more waiting. If we wait another second we'll lose the kidneys! I- I mean the sale. Megsie, there is nothing that Norman can do about this. What is the meaning of this, boy? Sorry to disturb you, sir, But we need your help. W-We've come all the way from the country. We? He means me, Uncle - I mean, Uncle Your Lordship. And you are? Norman, sir. Your nephew, sir. Aunt Isabel's son. Ah, yes, the girl who made that unfortunate marriage. A happy marriage to my father, sir. Who's fighting for your army, so I'll thank you to be more civil! And what is your business here, pray? Sir, we need you to find out what's happened to Norman's father. To Uncle Rory. We got a telegram saying... Yes? He was killed in action. But I know it's wrong. I know he's alive. I see. So you're saying that the telegram... The telegram sent from the War Office contained false information? Exactly. And you have proof, or you wouldn't have dared come here. Has your father contacted you since you received the telegram? No. Then one of his unit has been in touch, presumably? No. Then what proof have you? I can feel it in my bones. In your what? What? I can feel it in my bones. In your bones? Feel it in your bones? Yes. Great heavens, boy, do you mean you've persuaded my weak-willed son to bring you here in the middle of a war with some cock-and-bull story about a feeling you have in your bones? He's not weak-willed. It was him who saved the piglets and him that thought of helping us by coming here. And I know I'm right about my father. Please! Can't you just inquire? There are thousands of men fighting in my army. Why should I give your father, however worthy he may be, my special attention? Because... Because they love him! And so does Auntie Isabel, and they need him. And I know why you sent us away to them too. It had nothing to do with bombs. I know you and Mother are getting a divorce. Enough! No, you will listen! You've made your lives and our lives a misery. Isn't that enough for you?! At least help Aunt Isabel and Uncle Rory to be together. Wait here. (ISABEL READS TO HERSELF) Hurry along there, Isabel. I've got to read it, haven't I? Right. Mum, please wait. Please! Stop it, Megsie. (SCREAMS) A mouse! A mouse under the chair! (SCREAMS) (CONTINUES TO SCREAM) Are they really going to get a divorce? Your mum and dad. So who will you live with? My mother, I suppose. Won't make much difference. We hardly ever see him. Or her. We only ever get wheeled out for them on special occasions. You can come and live with us, you know. You and Celia. That's jolly decent of you. < (DOOR OPENS) I'm sorry. What does it say? I'm afraid he's MIA. What's that? Missing in action. Sorry, Norman. Wait. Missing? Missing in action? Not killed in action? Not killed. The telegram you received was... ..incorrect. In fact, there's no record of any telegram having been sent. Which is something we should look into - Oh! I knew it. He's alive. Thank you, Uncle. It's my nephew. He's a country boy. Rough diamond, as they say. Come on. We've got to get back. We've got to tell Mum. < Cyril? It's done you good, all that country air. Carry on. I will, sir. I mean, father. Right-o. Right-o. Norman, if the War Office never sent that telegram, it means the one you saw was forged. But who would forge a telegram saying someone was dead? Who'd do something that awful? Uncle Phil. He's been trying to get Mum to sell our half of the farm. He must've known she'd sell if she thought Dad was dead. Got to hurry. He's not dead! He's only missing. That is good news. But we've got to get back quickly. We'll explain on the way. (SCREAMS) Celia, please stop screaming! It's been half... (STOPS SCREAMING) ..an hour. There is no mouse. I saw it. Must have escaped. Right. Isabel, let's just get this done, shall we? Have you got a pen? Mum. Please wait. That's enough, Megsie. Phil, find a pen. Another pen, right. Ah. Nanny McPhee, we need you. Please, Nanny McPhee, we need you. Please, please, Nanny McPhee, we need you. Nanny McPhee, we need you. We need you... 'We need you...' Norman, could you hand me my stick, please? Actually, better still, could you just bang it down on the road, once, quite hard. Go on. Don't drop it. The paperwork involved in replacing it simply doesn't bear thinking about. Well done. Put it back. What did it do? What? When Norman banged the stick? What was it for? Hello. (ELEPHANT SQUEAKS) Mum, please don't. It's our farm. Don't sign it. (This is all...) Oh, so is this. And that. And you just sign it. There. W- Where is the pen? For heaven's sake, Phil. Never mind. (GASPS) They were here! I thought you wanted me to sign the thing. I don't understand! Someone must have... I don't think there are any more pens. Nanny McPhee? Yes, deary? How fast can this thing go, exactly? (ACCELERATES) Look what I found. (SNIGGERS) Right, Isabel. Let's get this thing done, shall we? Let's get this signed, Isabel. I'll steady your hand. Steady your hand. There... (CLEARS THROAT) Just there. (What are we going to do?) (I don't know.) I can't think of anything that could stop him now. (MAN) 'Aaaaaa... choo! (PILOT SNIFFS / BLOWS NOSE) 'Aaaaaaaaaa... choo! Aa-choo! (BUTTON BEEPS / HE GASPS) (WHISTLING NOISE APPROACHING) (EXPLOSION) It's a UXB. What's that? An unexploded bomb. We have them in London. Could go off at any second. (ISABEL AND VINCENT) What?! Might not. Depends. But it'll destroy the harvest. It's a sign. They're coming for me. > (SHOUTING) They're going to kill me. They're going to kill me! Who's going to kill you? The hit women. The lady heavies. I'm here! Stop all that panicking! Stop it! I can't stop it. I'm going to die. I'm going under the table. I'm going to put the kettle on. Milk and two sugars. Thank God. You have to arrest me before they get here. What? Arrest me now. I repeat, arrest - Arrest you for what? What's the crime? There's got to be a crime! Try forgery. Norman, where have you been? To the War Office. Dad's alive. What? Uncle Phil forged the telegram. Yes. Norman's right. There's your crime. Now, will you arrest me? Phil, look, none of you seem to realise that there could be a fatal explosion at any second - Quiet, please. Quiet, please, all of you. Norman. Come here. Dad's missing in action. Go on. But I can feel it in my bones that he's alive. Oh, well, then... ..it must be true. Oh, thank you. Thank you, my darling. Oh, my darling. Oh, my darling boy. And Cyril. Cyril, you too? (SOBBING) Cyril, come here! (PHIL) Did you hear that? I'm a forger. A villainous forger. Leave it, Phil. There's a bomb out there what needs dealing with. Bomb? Bomb? Quick, come and look. Here's the cuffs, Phil. Sort it out yourself. Now, bombs. It's a UXB. That means exploded bomb. But the barley. If it goes off, it will be destroyed. No! No, no, no! Cuff me to you. To you! That way I'll be... safe. Can you help me with these, please? You don't deserve any help, you completely wicked person. Please, I'm begging you. Megsie? Allow me. (WINCES) Dah! I mean, thank you. I am about to disarm the device! (TICKING NOISE) (GROANS) (WAILS) He fell over. I think he may have fainted. Who's going to defuse it now? Boys, check on Mr Docherty and put the ladder back up. Celia, get his pamphlet. You read out the instructions. Nanny McPhee, please, help me, stop them! Somehow, I doubt that will be possible. (GRUNTS) Anyone there? It's just I'm not comfy. "Defusing your bomb." "Three simple steps to an explosion-free day." "Step one, open the vent situated by the tail fin." Open the vent! Open the vent! Open the vent. Vent... ..open. What's next? "Step two, cut the blue wire." Blue wire! Blue wire! These are going to be too big. What else can we use? Has anyone got a penknife? Oh! Try these. < These are perfect. Well done, Celia. (EXHALES) What's next? < Yoo-hoo? Hello, Phil. "Step three, cut the red wire." Red wire! Red wire! (STRAINS) Can you see it? Is it there? Have you done it? Be quiet. I can't reach it. (STRAINS) > Ooh! Isn't it exciting? (BOTH) Shh! Shh! What? I did it! > Well done. Jolly good. Megsie, well done. (WHIRRING NOISE) (SIREN) Uh-oh. What's it doing? What's it doing?! We've got such good news, Phil. We're not going to remove your kidneys after all. That's right. Mrs Big decided that kidney removal just wasn't good enough for you. It lacked... finesse. She wants us to stuff you, Phil. Stuff you. And put you in the entrance to the casino as a warning to others. (GAGS) You can't do that. Don't worry, Phil. Miss Turvey's a professional. Here is an early example of my work. And here is how you'll look. It's uncanny, isn't it? Only thing is... we will have to scoop you out while you're still... ..well... Alive. Nooo...! (ALL PANIC / SHOUT) Wait, there's a footnote. "On certain enemy bombs, there will be a Step 4." "Cut the green wire." I can't see any green wire. It must be covered by all this grey stuff. It's hard as nails. I don't want you to miss the bomb going off. Come on, dear. Wait, here. "If the wire is protected with explosive putty... (MR EDELWEISS) Putty? ..red lights will begin the countdown to explosion"! (KLAXON) Why is that at the back?! (ISABEL) We all need to take cover right now! Come down, Megsie! Look! Megsie! Mum, wait. Megsie, come down now! (KLAXON) Mr Edelweiss is eating the putty! (KLAXON) Come down now! (SIREN) Megsie! (KLAXON) Megsie, please, come down. Megsie, please! It's too dangerous! I see the green wire! (KLAXON / BELL RINGING) (BOMB DEACTIVATES / WHIRRING STOPS) (CHIRPS) We did it! Well done! (APPLAUSE / CHEERING) Well done, Megs! Come down. The bomb's been defused. Oh. It was nothing. (GROANS) Lesson four, to be brave,... ..is complete. Mr Edelweiss, he's full of explosive putty! Won't he go off? (SQUAWKS) Take cover, everyone. Leave this to me. Go, go, go, as fast as you can! (GIGGLES) (GIGGLES) There. (SQUAWKS) (DOES MASSIVE BURP) (BURP CONTINUES) Argh! I can fly. (SCREAMS) Argh... Whoa! Arghhhh... Goodbye! Well done, Phil. (SIGHS) (SIZZLING NOISE) (YELLS IN PAIN) What's happening to the barley? (WHOOSHING NOISE) Oh! (ALL EXCLAIM) (ALL LAUGH) (ALL EXCLAIM) Cor! What happened? The harvest's in. (APPLAUSE CONTINUES) Look. There's a slide. Come on, everybody. Ohhh! < Woo-hoo! Come on, Mum. Alright. Oh, I don't know. Oh! (SCREAMS) Are you off? I am. Thank you for having me to stay, Aggie. Thank you for asking, Nanny McPhee. Look. That's one of Nanny McPhee's medals. You have one too. It's the green one. That one's my favourite. Ooh. Oh! Why has she given us her medals? Let's ask her. Where is she? Nanny McPhee? There! Nanny McPhee?! Where's she going? (MRS DOCHERTY) She's leaving you. What? She can't be. Why? Because you don't need her any more. Don't be ridiculous. But I want her to stay. Oh, dear, you've forgotten how she works, haven't you? How? When you need her, but do not want her, then she must stay. When you want her, but no longer need her, then she has to go. That's not fair. We didn't mean to want her. What do you mean we don't need her? Are you quite mad? Nanny McPhee! Nanny McPhee! Nanny McPhee doesn't like goodbyes. I remember from when I was little. (BELL JINGLES) < Come back! They might not need you, but I do. I need you. I need you. Desperately. Oh, come back! Keep going, Mum! Don't stop, Mum, or we'll lose her. Come back! Come back! Keep going, Mum! We need her! No, we don't. Dad! (HE EXCLAIMS) Dad, this is Cyril and Celia. Celia? (LAUGHS) Lesson five, to have faith,... ..is complete. < (CHUCKLES) (TWEETS) Hop on, then. (CHIRPS EXCITEDLY) HAPPY MUSIC FRANTIC MUSIC