# Come dance all around the world. # Dance all around the world with me. # Dance with the birds and the music. # We want you to see the world. # I want you to see the world... # The comedy scene in NZ has totally exploded. Gigs all across the country are completely selling out, and we've got comedians on films and television. TVNZ are starting a digital channel for local comedy. Um, and where we are now, this is where it all starts ` The Classic comedy bar, which is the most exciting comedy venue in NZ. Hey. (SIGHS) So, what are you guys doing? So, what are you guys doing? VIDEO GAME CHIRPS Carrot. Carrot. Ah. 'Uh, tonight I'm MC'ing Pro Night. In the opening spot is Urzila Carlson,' and, uh, she's been making massive inroads on the comedy circuit, and she's pretty funny for a lesbian. Um, she just sounds angry cos she's South African. Oh, I might try having a chat to the crowd tonight. Well, I hope so. (LAUGHS) Well, I hope so. (LAUGHS) No, you know, like an MC. You want to save that for an open mike night. It's easy. You just go out there and go, 'Anyone here from overseas?' That kind of hack crap. It's all some people do. It's all some people do. (SCOFFS) Well, I haven't seen you MC for a while, Elwood. Yeah, it's cos I don't actually have to. Probably a bit tough for you. It's not sort of... naturally off the top of your head` I've been doing corporate gigs and that TV panel show where we're funny off the head but sitting down. Oh right. OK, well, I did a corporate last night. Oh yeah? How was your pub quiz? Oh yeah? How was your pub quiz? Not great. Oh yeah? How was your pub quiz? Not great. < Oh. Hey, guys. What do you reckon? (CHUCKLES) Nice. (CHUCKLES) Nice. Hey, man. (CHUCKLES) Nice. Hey, man. Hey, uh, Urzila, Jarred. Nice to meet you. It's Elvis. You get that, right? Cos he died on the toilet with a sandwich, and I've got the sandwich. I really like it. I love eating on the shitter. I really like it. I love eating on the shitter. Thank you. In the headlining spot this evening is Jarred Christmas, and, uh, he's done really well. He's made it big in the UK. But he, uh, certainly wasn't the first to do so. Hey, so this, um, comedy channel launch thing's looking pretty exciting. I heard they're gonna, uh, roast a Kiwi comic. > Really? Really? Why? You think you're in with a shot? Well, I think they're gonna want someone with a pretty big profile. Well, I think they're gonna want someone with a pretty big profile. Well, that's my point. Oh, OK, so you didn't see Pulp Comedy? Oh, OK, so you didn't see Pulp Comedy? Oh no, I did... 12 years ago? Oh, OK, uh, Trading Places, when I was the` when I was the` I don't think even you really remember Trading Places. OK, it was a while ago, but I was a car engineer. It's really funny. OK, it was a while ago, but I was a car engineer. It's really funny. Comedy gold (!) Oh right. Been on Rove, have you? No, I haven't. I was booked to be Rove, but it got cancelled after you were on it. Yeah, well, only cos his wife died of cancer. Nice one, Elwood. That's just what the night needed (!) Sorry about that, Urz. You probably... probably know someone who's been affected by that. You all right? Let's see how you work a crowd, then, 'Mr Bloody Make a Great Vibe in the Green Room Dude'. Sure. All right. OK` See` All right? All right. OK` See` All right? No problem. All right. OK` See` All right? No problem. OK, fine. It's on. How do you feel about that? Happy you brought us all down now? You're gonna` I'm gonna have to go and prove a... my point. Good. It's on. In the mid spot tonight is Jeremy Elwood. Um, let me explain his comedy. OK. 'Did you see the news last night?' Same thing. Although Simon Dallow, in my opinion, is a lot funnier. PA: Please welcome to the stage your MC for this evening. Give it up for Mr Brendhan Lovegrove. CHEERING, APPLAUSE < All right. Going nuts. Welcome to The Classic. It's a pro night. Good times. Anyone here from overseas? Anyone from overseas? Give me a show of hands, people from overseas. Where are you from? Where are you from? MAN: Uh, Germany. > Oh, yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, at a comedy night? Fucking bizarre. Um... Oh, yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, at a comedy night? Fucking bizarre. Um... LAUGHTER GERMAN ACCENT: Please, no. Do not make fun of me. I'm from Germany, and I like to have a laugh! LAUGHTER Too far? Too much? Hey, you're smiling. Fuck, I haven't seen a German do that. That's really cool. LAUGHTER Are you a German, madam? Are you a German, madam? WOMAN: I'm from the US. > Are you a German, madam? WOMAN: I'm from the US. > US? Uh, haven't heard of it. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER OK. How does that feel?! Anyway. No, that's great. Great. Hey. It's cool. Hey, is that your boyfriend? LAUGHTER Hey, this is going weird, eh? WEIRD VOICE: What do you guys do? WEIRD VOICE: What do you guys do? LAUGHTER Do you sleep in the same bed? Oh, s-say you do. Just lie. Just fucking make it up. Fuckin' make it up. Sorry about that. It's an odd way to start. So, it's just an early show. Oh, here's my impression of you. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Look at your face. Like, where are you from, sir? MAN: Iran. MAN: Iran. Iran? Oh. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER (GUFFAWS) URZILA: 'Brendan knows how to take control of a room. 'And it's that confidence that's gonna get me to the next level.' Because a normal pro spot gets you $70, but a MC slot gets you $120, and Urzila wants to get a slice of that pie. SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: Do you notice that South African people speak as loud as they can?! Do you notice that they speak as loud as they can because they think they are amazing? What they do not realise is that we listen to the way that they speak, but because of the way they speak, we all think that they might be a bit retarded. we all think that they might be a bit retarded. LAUGHTER And on that note, we have a South African woman on. She's very very funny, and she even likes black people. Give it up for Urzila Carlson. CHEERING, APPLAUSE I should` Sorry, I'll move this so you can see me. (LAUGHS) I should` Sorry, I'll move this so you can see me. (LAUGHS) LAUGHTER Poor bastards. They're sitting there going, 'I can hear the voice. Can't see anyone.' Ta-da! This is what I look like. Don't look so nervous, love. I'm not gonna do a stage dive. Hey. WHISTLING Look` Thank you. (LAUGHS) It's a chubby chaser. There's` There's always one in the audience going, 'Fuck, I'm gonna get her.' I don't know why they say chubby chasing, cos that would imply she'd run away. < I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. < Catch me. Yeah. Oh. Where's...? Oh. Where's...? He's putting up his photo. Did he mention anything more`? Did he mention anything more`? No. Oh, uh, how'd your South African bit go? Did the audience enjoy your dextrous take on race relations? CELL PHONE BEEPS CELL PHONE CONTINUES BEEPING CELL PHONE BEEPS Oh. You out of credit? I still can't wear black to the beach. You know, those Save a Whale people keep rolling me back into the sea. You know, those Save a Whale people keep rolling me back into the sea. LAUGHTER Not that I mind. Fuck knows, I hate to walk, you know, but, uh... I just can't stand it when they keep pouring salt water in my blowhole. (SHUDDERS) Great job on the goggle-box last night, Jeremy. You guys are so damn quick on that show. You guys are so damn quick on that show. Oh, actually, they edit it... a lot, so it seems a lot quicker with the edit. Thanks, Scott. Thanks, Scott. I'm checking to see if you were keen to host The Classic birthday party. That's my gig. I've done it for the last nine years. That's my gig. I've done it for the last nine years. We just might get more heads in if` < How much`? How much does that one pay? < How much`? How much does that one pay? Standard rates. Nah, it's all right. You can give it to Lovegrove. Nah, it's all right. You can give it to Lovegrove. Oh. All right. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Give it up for Urzila Carlson, ladies and gentlemen. All right. What's that? < WOMAN: What's with the cameras? < WOMAN: What's with the cameras? Why are the cameras here? < WOMAN: What's with the cameras? Why are the cameras here? < Yeah. Oh, they're just filming a show about me. Yeah. You don't have a problem with being filmed do you? Come on. W-W-What else are you gonna get on television for? What? I mean, fuckin', for what? M-M-Maybe your dead body in a park or like... M-M-Maybe your dead body in a park or like... LAUGHTER If you don't fucking watch yourself, bitch. If you don't fucking watch yourself, bitch. LAUGHTER You've got a boyfriend. He looks big, but you look like you'd fuckin' spazz out and knife some chick. I didn't realise. That's three girls. You wouldn't have thought that you'd be that guy, but you are. But I hope you're only with two of them, cos I kind of wanna fuck that one. I don't. No, out of respect for you, I'll lick her out but as a friend, and that's all. It's just like... I'll finger your arsehole, but that's platonically, and that's it. I'll finger your arsehole, but that's platonically, and that's it. LAUGHTER Fuck, where am I going with this? All right. MAN: Jail. MAN: Jail. (LAUGHS) Well, not yet, obviously. But, uh, fuck, I'd be a target, wouldn't I? (CHUCKLES) That's arrogant, but, uh... (LAUGHS) LAUGHTER Bring on Elwood. Bring on the guy from TV. 'Bring on Jeremy. Bring on Elwood.' Yeah, I'm about to, mate. All right? Now, you guys ready to see your next act? All right, people. Give it up for Mr Jeremy Elwood, ladies and gentlemen. < Good evening! Who's having a few drinks this evening? Yeah, good for you. Enjoy yourself. Ignore the ads. LAUGHTER IMITATES AD: 'It's not the drinking; it's how we're drinking.' (LAUGHS) It's bullshit. It's the drinking. (LAUGHS) It's bullshit. It's the drinking. LAUGHTER 'I think it's really important to do stuff outside of the club. 'Um, otherwise, you know, you can just get stuck. You play in the same room all the time.' I mean, you run the risk of turning into a sort of sad, balding, twitchy, neurotic sociopath. I mean, I've seen it happen. He's not even MC'ing. He's just doing his drinking stuff. Like, you were there. I said to him, 'It's on,' right? And you were there. I said, 'It's on.' And he said, 'Sure.' And, uh, so it's on. So basically I've won. Urzila, I've won, haven't I? Thank you. I like his drinking stuff. I like his drinking stuff. Really? Did you see my South African stuff? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I know, you do it every time before I go out. For the record, you have the worst South African accent I've ever heard in my life. SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: I don't think so. SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: I don't think so. It sounds like an Indian drowning. Not to people who aren't from South Africa. I think it's quite` It's` Not to people who aren't from South Africa. I think it's quite` It's` No, it's not. Listen, what did you think of my chubby chaser call? Did you hear it? Nah. Nah. Nah? Nah. Nah? Not so much. CELL PHONE VIBRATES CELL PHONE VIBRATES Is that from your girlfriend? Can I have a look at the picture? It's Ewen. It's not a picture. It's from Ewen. I just sent him a text to say congratulations on the roast. What roast? What roast? The comedy channel thing. Has Ewen got the roast? Well, why didn't Christmas tell me about it? Has Ewen got the roast? Well, why didn't Christmas tell me about it? I don't know. Jeremy told me. What the fuck does Elwood know about the roast? What the fuck does Elwood know about the roast? He's writing for it. He's writing for the roast? He's writing for the roast? Yeah. He's writing for the roast? Yeah. Oh ffff... Wanker. You're kind of cute when you're angry. Kind of look like a lesbian. Yeah, I know. It's... It's my haircut. They, uh... A lot of them have it. No. No. Do you think I look like a lesbian? No. Do you think I look like a lesbian? Yeah. Not a hot one just a one. Would you fuck me? Would you fuck me? No. I've never been that lonely. Yeah, it is a bit bigger than the other one, isn't it? Yeah, it is a bit bigger than the other one, isn't it? Nice frame. Is that pine or MDF? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, it's probably MDF. Oh shit, yeah, with those curves. What? What? What do you reckon? What? What do you reckon? Oh, I reckon it's just wood. Right. I'll leave the big issues with you guys. I've gotta go and follow Jeremy's heat. (SNIFFS) Yeah, I reckon. Mm. Jagermeister's my drink of choice. I drink it straight. Don't mix. All the kids mix their shots with Red Bull. Don't do that. Point of a shot is you just make a fool of yourself and go home. With Red Bull, I can be a douchebag for hours. I don't need that. I don't need the energy to individually disappoint every woman in this room. I don't need that in my life. Hey. You ripped the arse out of that. Hey. You ripped the arse out of that. Oh, thank you. Hey. Come on, Treacle. What's wrong? What? What? What happened. What happened with the heckler? Nothing. I couldn't hear him. He was at the back. Yeah, but the way you dealt with it. You just went... (WHINES) Yeah, but the way you dealt with it. You just went... (WHINES) Uh, excuse me. No, the Lovegrove of old would've ripped the arse out of that guy. No, the Lovegrove of old would've ripped the arse out of that guy. Comedy Guild's 2007 best male comic. 2006, 2008, 2009, 2010. Who won 2007? I don't even wanna talk about that, but I think you'll find I can deal with a little... heckler. < How's the photo look? < How's the photo look? It's too big, but Cori and that other guy are gonna sort it out. Did he sniff the frame? Did he sniff the frame? Yeah, the other guy did. It's a bit weird, eh? Yeah. Yeah, but look, Cori is weird, but the other guy ` there's something big wrong with him. I know. I know. Yeah. I know. Yeah. (SIGHS) CRASH! CRASH! Oh. DOOR OPENS Those ads got more pretentious. 'You coming to my barbecue?' 'Yeah, what should I bring?' 'Just don't bring your mates this time.' 'Just don't bring your mates this time.' LAUGHTER 'Punchy Sam, Shouty Sam, Hit On Everyone's Missus Sam.' Just once, wouldn't you like to see Sam go, 'That's funny. You didn't have a problem when I brought It's My Round Sam, did I, you cheap bastard.' 'Look at the size of you. Leave I'll Have A Second Pie Dave at home, you fat fuck.' You know? Be good. That's basically it. Thanks for listening. I've been Jeremy Elwood. Goodnight. Bye. Give it up for Jeremy Elwood, ladies and gentlemen down at The Classic. Do you ever get so fucked you walk out of a bar, you get into a taxi, but you're too drunk to tell the difference between the time on the clock and the price on the meter? And you look at the clock, and you're, like, '$12.40.' And you look at the clock, and you're, like, '$12.40.' Dane Cook's joke ` the American. Hey, mate. Wh-Who said`? Hey, who said that? Who s`? Hey, excuse me. I happen to have` Who s`? Hey, excuse me. I happen to have` You stole Dane Cook's joke. Dude, I have had that joke from Pulp Comedy in 1998. I've been doing that gag for 12 years. That's 13 years, mate. Well... Come on. Come on. Anyway, your next act, ladies and gentlemen. He's funny, he's all the way from the UK, and he was voted by Chortle as the best MC in UK, which isn't NZ but UK. Give it up for Jarred Christmas, ladies and gentlemen. CHEERING, APPLAUSE Pretty good build-up (!) (LAUGHS, GROANS) First up, gotta deal with my appearance, all right? My chops! OK. Why not? Why not? Wasn't really a question. You just said 'your chops'. It's not a question. It's only a question if you go up at the end, but you look like the type of girl who goes down at the end. Yeah? Get involved. Get involved. Get involved. Yeah, that's right. Ooh. Um, that's a compliment. Um... But, yes, I have got facial hair. (SIGHS) The heckler brought up the Dane Cook thing. (SIGHS) The heckler brought up the Dane Cook thing. Valid. That is my joke. I've got it on-on VHS ` 1998, from Pulp Comedy. Brendan's made a classic MC's mistake. He's talked to too many people. That makes people wanna join in. That makes people wanna join in. Elwood's made the mistake of being a penis. At least I'm not a smutty, sexist racist. I am not racist. Some of my best mates are dark. Dark? Dark? Yeah. Cori, Mike King,... What is Cori? What is Cori? ...uh, Figjam ` he's a Maori. Oh, is that why he hongis everyone? Oh, is that why he hongis everyone? Figjam is Maori. I know. I know. No, when you say he's a Maori, it's like referring to him as a thing. Yeah. OK, Tiger Woods. Yeah, Tiger Woods. I don't like him. Throwing it out there. Don't like him. 'I'm addicted to sex.' Well done, Tiger. We're all addicted to sex, just some of us aren't rich enough or good looking enough to fuck anyone we want. We have to stick with one person. 'I'm addicted to sex. I have to go to rehab.' What happens in rehab, Tiger? 'I don't have sex for ages.' Newsflash, Tiger! That's not rehab; that's my 20s. LAUGHTER Oh, fuck, it's only Clay. Do you reckon you're allowed two on the wall? I don't know, man. I don't know, man. Brendan's got two. I thought that was his brother. I thought that was his brother. Has he got a brother? Yeah, he's an opera singer. Yeah, he's an opera singer. Bullshit. Is he? Yeah, he's an opera singer. Bullshit. Is he? Yeah. I wonder what sort of operas. I don't know, like, La Vida and shit. I don't know, like, La Vida and shit. Pirates of Penzance? But it is a stormtrooper belt buckle. There you go. Yeah. Yeah, it does deserve a round of applause. You're right. Get a fucking good look. Yeah? Did you like that ` staring at a man's crotch? Just... Now you know how we feel when you get your tits out, yeah? Yeah? So don't have a fucking go. Anyway, what you gotta imagine, what you gotta imagine, is, uh` Cos me and my wife, we do a little bit of role play in the bedroom, and, uh,... my wife's in there, and I walk in completely naked apart from the belt buckle, right? From the belt like that. My willy's hanging down like that. And I walk in going... (SINGS 'THE IMPERIAL MARCH') And then my wife goes, 'Aren't you a little bit short for a stormtrooper?' (GROANS) Oh, that hurts. But good knowledge. Good knowledge. So, you know, it balances out, cos it's kind of like sexually I'm hurt, but the geek inside me's, like, 'I love you.' So, uh, good topic. Good choice. This is stuff for birthday parties, stag parties and` Anything that makes them feel welcome. Overseas stuff's always good. OK, I'm gonna have to think about it, cos Brendhan's got all the obvious comebacks. Just use his ones. He doesn't mind stealing other people's gear. Just use his ones. He doesn't mind stealing other people's gear. I didn't fucking steal it. Yeah, 'course not. Yeah, 'course not. All right, penis, you wanna see a put-down? Really don't care. Really don't care. Fine. You watch this. You guys have been here, and it's been nice. Um... No, what I'm doing now is chasing the dragon. Brendhan know's all about it. You know, when you think, 'I've gotta end on a big laugh.' It never comes. Essentially what's happened is I've wanked you off, and you've come, and I'm now going, 'There's more in there! There's more! And you're, like, 'Just leave me alone! I think I need a piss now.' 'No, come on! Come on! There's more in there!' So, um, I'll leave you alone. I've been Jarred Christmas. Thank you. Good night. I've been Jarred Christmas. Thank you. Good night. CHEERING, APPLAUSE All right. Come on, then. Where are you? Come on, then, you dick. Yeah, you're not so ballsy now, are you, Mr Yap-Yap-Yap? I saw it on YouTube. I saw it on YouTube. Oh, well... (CRIES MOCKINGLY) Look, you know, why don't you speak English? It's so dark in here; why don't you stand up? Oh. All right. All right. Whatever I say next, it's gonna be racist. But, uh, no, I can see you now. There you are. There's the big smile. Oh, come on. It's a dark room, and look at him. God. (SPEAKS FIJIAN) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Bit of Fijian there. What I told him was I thought he was wearing sunglasses, but as it turns out, it was just his nostrils. LAUGHTER You've been great. How about a round of applause for all the performers? You've been great. How about a round of applause for all the performers? APPLAUSE, CHEERING Give it up for that guy, ladies and gentlemen. He's got some big nostrils. I'm Brendhan Lovegrove. Thank you very much for coming to The Classic. See you. Goodnight. Being an MC is an art form. You're not just the first guy cracking jokes. You're relaxing the crowd and setting a platform so the other comics can` they can work from it. Um, sure, you can add your own, sort of, pre-prepared comebacks and jokes, but what makes you good is having the confidence, ability and talent to riff with whatever comes at you. Trying to make the audience feel like they're part of something spontaneous and off the cuff. And that's what I love ` making people laugh. Uh, so this thing about Ewen Gilmour doing the roast, is it true? Uh, so this thing about Ewen Gilmour doing the roast, is it true? Yeah. He hasn't confirmed it yet. Perfect. Perfect. Why? You gonna try and convince him not to do it? Yeah. # We want you to see the world. # I want you to see the world. # And see all the beauty # that surrounds you. # Dance all around the world. # Copyright TVNZ Access Services 2012