1 YES. UH-HUH. I'M NOT KIDDING. THAT'S WHERE THIS "CLASS ACT" BROUGHT ME. YEAH, YOU HEARD ME. HOOTERS. THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I'VE BEEN ON SINCE THE DIVORCE, AND THE GUY BRINGS ME TO A HOOTERS. (TOILET FLUSHES) IS TYLER ASLEEP? WHOA! OH YEAH! WHOO! NOT ALL THE WAY. WHAT'S HE DOING? Yeah! # THIS T-SHIRT'S ON FIRE! # WHY IS HE SINGING THAT? Robotically MUST SAVE PLANET EARTH. NO, IT'S ALL GOOD. It's out. WHAT'S OUT?! OH, GOD, I'M COMING HOME. INTRUDER ALERT. (WHIMPERS) YEAH, MAYBE THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY A BAD IDEA. OK, HERE'S THE PLAN. YOU'RE GONNA CALL ME IN 10 MINUTES SO THAT I CAN TELL THIS DOPE I HAVE AN EMERGENCY. CAN YOU GIVE ME MY BATH NOW? MAKE IT FIVE MINUTES. # I AIN'T COMPLAININ', BUT I'D SURE LIKE TO FIND ME # A TRUE, FINE LOVE, # SOMEONE ANOTHER THAT'S AS SWEET AS YOUR MOTHER, # A TRUE, FINE LOVE... # (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) GOT YOU, UH, BUFFALO SHRIMP WITH THE SAUCE ON THE SIDE. THEY'LL DO THAT FOR ME HERE. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW YOU TOOK IT, SO... YOU REALISE THAT YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY LOOKING AT MY FACE RIGHT NOW. VERY TIGHT GAME GOIN' ON UP THERE. I DON'T WANNA MISS IT. Announcer: WELL, I KNOW YOU REALLY GOTTA SWING THE AXE HARD TO GET THOSE, UH, HITS IN DEEP ON THIS QUICK TURN. HI, JIM. HEY, JIM. HEY, JIM. CHEESE STICKS IN THE SHAPE OF A HEART. FROM ME, BUNNY, BETHANY, AND BRITNEY. THANK YOU, BUBBLES. THAT'S VERY NICE. BYE. HAVE FUN. SEE YA. Chuckling ALL RIGHT. HEY, I NOTICED THAT YOU MADE EYE CONTACT WITH BOOBLES, BUT I'M-- I MEAN, I'M NOT SURE IT WAS HER EYES YOU WERE LOOKING AT. SO,... YOU... ORGANISE CLOSETS FOR A LIVING. YES. IS IT HARD TO FIND PEOPLE WHO CAN'T ORGANISE THEIR OWN CLOSETS? HOW DOES THAT WORK? WELL, IT'S NOT THAT THEY CAN'T DO IT FOR THEMSELVES. IT'S THAT THEY DON'T HAVE THE TIME OR THEY DON'T DO IT EFFICIENTLY. DID YOU START WITH ORGANISING GLOVE COMPARTMENTS AND JUST WORK YOUR WAY UP FROM THERE, OR...? LISTEN, I'M SORRY. I KNOW THIS IS NOT GOING WELL. Chuckling I, UH... I HAVEN'T BEEN ON A DATE IN 20 YEARS. I HAVEN'T BEEN ON A DATE SINCE SENIOR YEAR. YOU GET MARRIED IN COLLEGE? YEP. ME TOO. REALLY? YES. IS THIS NOT THE WEIRDEST FEELING IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW? LIKE WEIRD AL STARRING IN "WEIRD SCIENCE." Chuckling YES. I LIKE THAT. YOU JUST CAME UP WITH THAT? YES. VERY GOOD. YOU KNOW, I THINK I WILL HAVE ONE OF THESE BUFFALO SHRIMP. AND I'LL HAVE IT WITH THE SAUCE. EXCELLENT. (BREATHING HEAVILY) OH MY GOD. Coughing OH MY GOD. IT'S HOT. OH MY GOD! WHO MAKES SAUCE THIS HOT?! I JUST... DID YOU DRINK MY BEER?! NO. NO, NO. I THINK YOU DID. BOOBLES! BUDDY! BRITNEY! CAN YOU GET ME SOME WATER?! HERE. HAVE SOME FRENCH ONION SOUP. (GURGLING) (SPITS) YOU KNOW,... I'M CURIOUS. WITH SO MANY POSSIBLE REASONS, WHICH ONE'S THE ONE YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU FOR? CANCER. I'M SORRY. I... NATURALLY JUST ASSUMED YOU WERE DIVORCED. IT'S OK. I NATURALLY ASSUMED YOUR HUSBAND SHOT HIMSELF, SO WE'RE EVEN. (SIGHS) (CELL PHONE PLAYS TONE) I GOTTA TAKE THIS. HELLO. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! CALM DOWN! AN AVALANCHE? IN OUR BACKYARD. I'LL BE HOME RIGHT AWAY. IT'S AN EMERGENCY. I'M SORRY. $20 SHOULD COVER MY HALF. Jen: HE USED THE EMERGENCY EXCUSE ON YOU? LIKE HE'S THE ONE THAT HAD TO ESCAPE. LIKE I'M SO HORRIBLE. HUH. WELL, EVERYBODY HAS A BAD BLIND-DATE STORY, AND THIS LOSER IS YOURS. WHO SET YOU UP? (SCOFFS) ONE OF THE MOTHERS IN TYLER'S CLASS. EVERY TIME I SEE HER, SHE TELLS ME ABOUT HER "FRIEND JIM." AND "OH, I JUST HAVE TO MEET JIM." WELL, SHE'S A LIAR AND AN IDIOT. YOU SHOULD ROOFIE HER AND SHAVE HER HEAD. (CELL PHONE RINGS) DICK? HI. NO, I CAN TALK. I'M JUST AT WORK. GREAT. (CHUCKLES) I KNOW. I'M SO SORE. (GIGGLES) I` I "L" WORD YOU, TOO. OK. TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE. DID YOU JUST USE THE "L" WORD WITH DICK? WE SAID IT LAST NIGHT. JEN! THAT'S GREAT! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? OH, YOU KNOW. I MEAN, YOU FINALLY WENT ON A DATE, AND IT WAS SO AWFUL. I DIDN'T WANNA MAKE YOU FEEL LONELIER THAN YOU PROBABLY ALREADY FEEL. NO, I'M FINE, ACTUALLY. AND I'M NOT LONELY. I HAVE TWO WONDERFUL MEN IN MY LIFE, BRENDAN AND TYLER. BRENDAN NEEDS A GIRLFRIEND, AND TYLER NEEDS RITALIN. YOU'RE SUGGESTING SEX AND DRUGS AS A REMEDY FOR MY CHILDREN'S BEHAVIOUR? (GASPS) OH MY GOD. THIS IS THE DRESS I'VE BEEN WANTING FOREVER! OH. WHAT?! NO! (SCOFFS) WHO HAS THAT KIND OF MONEY? DICK. TRY THIS ON. THIS IS A TOTAL MILF DRESS. WE DON'T TRY ON THE CLIENTS' CLOTHES. IT'S ONE OF OUR SELLING POINTS. "WE WON'T WEAR YOUR UNDERWEAR WHILE WE'RE ORGANISING YOUR CLOSETS." I'M JUST SAYIN'. BACK TO WORK. I THINK RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS RACK, WE COULD FIT SOME MORE SHOES AND STORAGE. JEN! KANYE, COME AND CHANGE THE BABY. NORTH IS WET, AND I DON'T WANT TO DROP HER ON CAMERA AGAIN. (LAUGHS) OK, TAKE IT OFF. NO. LOOK, THIS WHOLE RACK STILL HAS THE PRICE TAGS ON. TECHNICALLY, SHE HASN'T TAKEN OWNERSHIP YET. AND BESIDES, SHE'S AT THE TENNIS CLUB. NOW, TRY THIS ON. THIS DRESS CAN CHANGE A WOMAN FROM THE KIND A MAN CHEATS ON TO THE KIND A MAN CHEATS WITH. (CHUCKLES) I'M GONNA GO PEE. EXPENSIVE. EXPENSIVE. OOH, MOST EXPENSIVE. (SNIFFS) (SPRAYS) WOW. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GONNA LOOK THAT GOOD IN IT. OH, HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG? Sobbing I SHOULD HAVE TRIED HARDER. I SHOULD HAVE DRESSED SEXIER. YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. MARK IS A PIG. BUT THE KIDS DON'T KNOW THAT. (SIGHS) THEY JUST... Voice breaking THEY WANT US TO GET BACK TOGETHER. AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT TO THEM. WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THEM TO LEARN THAT THEIR DAD IS A BIG PILE OF CRAP. JUST-- I GET SO DEPRESSED. I-I NEED TO WEAR HIGH, SEXY HEELS. STOP JOGGING. IT HELPS. IT'S FREAKING ME OUT. Crying LOOK AT ME. I'M RIDICULOUS. COME HERE. (SNIFFLES) COME HERE. JEN'S GOT YOU. NOW I SEE WHY THEY CALL YOU CLOSET QUEENS. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) INSTAGRAM! FACEBOOK! YES! YES! IT WAS AWFUL, MAN. THERE WAS NO CONNECTION AT ALL. I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN YOU CAME UP WITH THE AVALANCHE THING. THAT SAVED MY LIFE. (LAUGHS) AND THE WAY SHE DRESSED WAS LIKE AN ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL OR SOMETHING. I FELT LIKE I WAS IN DETENTION. I GOT A GIRL FOR YOU. YEAH? BLONDE LADY. FROM MY BELLY-DANCING CLASS. A LITTLE BIT ON THE PLUS SIZE. BUT WHEN SHE GETS TO MOVING, ALL THAT FLAPPIN' CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN. NO GOOD. THAT BIG GIRL'D HIT THAT HOOTERS LIKE A HURRICANE. BLUBBERING CHICKEN! YEAH. STEAK! FRIES! (BLUBBERS) AND A DIET COKE! (SMOOCHES) YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. ALL RIGHT! GOTCHA! I'M OUT, MAN. NO MORE DATING FOR ME. IT'S TIME AND MONEY I SHOULD BE SPENDING WITH MY KIDS. LOOK WHO IT IS. HEY. LARRY! MY ALL-STAR! GIVE ME SOME. IT'S HILARY, DAD, WHICH IS BAD ENOUGH. YOU GONNA LEAVE ME HANGIN'? BOOM. GUESS WHAT? THE NEW KODIAK TENTS JUST ARRIVED. IN TIME FOR SPRING BREAK. WE'RE GOING CAMPING IN OUR BACKYARD AGAIN THIS YEAR? WHY? ARE YOU TOO OLD FOR THAT? NO. IT'S JUST SOME KIDS IN MY CLASS ARE GOING TO FLORIDA OR TO COLORADO OR EVEN SWITZERLAND. OK, YOU GOT A LOT OF RICH KIDS IN YOUR SCHOOL. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WE DON'T GOT THAT KIND OF MONEY. I KNOW. IT WOULD JUST BE NICE TO GO SOMEPLACE. OH. YOU KNOW WHERE YOU COULD TAKE HER THAT'S CHEAP? MY BELLY-DANCING CLASS. OH. PUT THAT AWAY. SERIOUSLY. EXCUSE ME. SIR? I'M HERE TO PICK UP MY BASKETBALL UNIFORM. DID YOU JUST CALL ME "SIR"? YEAH. I'M A GIRL. (SIGHS) THAT'S ONE FUGLY GIRL. HEY, MAN, THAT'S HIS DAUGHTER. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. Lauren: HEY, HONEY, HOW'S THE MATH HOMEWORK COMING? ARE ANY OF THE TUTOR'S SHORTCUTS HELPING? DID YOU GO ON A DATE? A DATE? WHO TOLD YOU I WENT ON A DATE? YOU SHOULD REALLY CHANGE YOUR E-MAIL PASSWORD, LITTLE MISS OH-SEVEN-TWO-OH-NINE-NINE. (SIGHS) THAT IS THE LAST TIME I USE YOUR BIRTHDAY AS A PASSWORD. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU READ MY E-MAILS. BRENDAN, I LOVE YOU, BUT WE HAVE TO LEARN TO RESPECT EACH OTHER'S PRIVACY IN THIS HOUSE. WHO'S JIM? NOBODY, HONEY. A BUFFOON. TRUST ME. IT WAS NOTHING. YOU PROMISE? PROMISE. WHOA! WHEE-OOH! WHEE-OOH! HEY! NO WHEELS IN THE HOUSE! I'VE TOLD YOU THIS! YEAH! TACKLE HIM, MOM! GET HIM! HEY! HEY! DID YOUR DAD TAKE YOU FOR ICE CREAM ON THE WAY HOME FROM SCHOOL? SPANK HIM! ROCKY ROAD AND MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP! TAKE HIM TO THE GROUND! I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD! GOOSE, GOOSE! ARGH! YEAH! YOU'RE DEAD! NO MORE TITTY TWISTERS, GUYS! YOU ONLY HAVE TWO TITTIES FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! WE NEED TO LEARN TO LOVE AND RESPECT THEM. I ALWAYS DID. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUMP HIM FULL OF SUGAR BEFORE YOU DROP HIM OFF? OH, COME ON. GOIN' OUT WITH DAD FOR AN ICE CREAM CONE IS A LASTING MEMORY FOR A KID. OH, OK. WELL, IF DAD SPENT MORE TIME WITH HIM, THEN THE MEMORIES WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE SO "LASTING." BOOM. ZING. GOT ME AGAIN. IT'S SO GREAT SPENDING TIME WITH YOU, LAUREN. THAT DOESN'T GO THERE. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? ARGH. OH MAN. IT'S GONNA EXPLODE IN THREE, TWO-- OH, THANK GOD. THAT WAS CLOSE. IT WAS ALMOST UNORGANISED FOR A MINUTE. HI. HOW ARE YOU? GOOD. ARE YOU GOING TO TYLER'S GAME ON SATURDAY? YES! OF COURSE! GREAT. I'M PUTTING YOU DOWN. IT'S WHAT YOU DO BEST. ON THE BOARD, MARK. ON THE BOARD. LAUREN, THE BOYS DON'T NEED A BOARD. THEY DON'T NEED A LIST. THEY KNOW THEY CAN COUNT ON ME. THAT'S IT. Tyler: DAD, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY HOMEWORK?! OH, I CAN'T, BUD! SORRY! I GOTTA GO TO A THING! ASK YOUR MOM! THIS IS NOT AN EXAMPLE OF MY BEHAVIOUR. (DOOR CLOSES) DID YOU LEAVE? # I'LL NEVER BE THAT GIRL AGAIN. # NO, OH, OH. # OH, I'LL NEVER BE THAT GIRL AGAIN. # NO, OH, OH. MY INNOCENCE IS WEARIN' THIN. # BUT MY HEART IS GROWIN' STRONG. # SO CALL ME, CALL ME, # CALL ME # MISS MOVIN' ON. # OH, OH, OH, # MISS MOVIN' ON. # OH, OH, OH. # LARRY, WANNA SHOOT SOME HOOPS? DAD! ARGH! OH! SORRY! STOP! GET OU--! WHY WOULDN'T YOU KNOCK?! I'M SORRY, HONEY! I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING! OH, THANKS A LOT! NO, NO, NO! THERE WAS PLENTY OF STUFF TO SEE! UH, UH,... I MEAN, I DIDN'T SEE ANY GELLIN' GOIN' ON! HOW 'BOUT A FIST BUMP? NO! LARRY, WE BOTH NEED THIS FIST BUMP. WE'RE COOL. ESPN: WHAT DO YOU WANT? OH, I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI. NOW, WELL, YOU DID, NOW LEAVE. YOU KNOW? (KNOCK ON DOOR) HEY, HOW WE DOIN' IN HERE? I'M TALKIN' TO MOM. GREAT. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKIN' ABOUT? IT'S GIRL STUFF. OK. WELL, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M PRETTY GOOD WITH GIRL STUFF TOO. (SIGHS) EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND. THANKS, DAD, BUT... I JUST WANNA TALK TO MOM. SURE, SURE. SAY HI FOR ME. (SIGHS) I'M ALL OUT OF STICKERS. YOU'RE ALL OUT OF FACE. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? (GRUNTS) CAN I PLAY WITH ESPN NOW? ESPN IS HAVING HER QUIET TIME. OH. With Invincible Mommy? "Invisible." Yes. IT'S NOT FAIR ONLY ESPN GETS TO SEE HER. I KNOW. I WISH I COULD SEE HER. ME TOO. COME HERE. MWAH. (GIGGLES) MWAH! MMM! (GRUNTING) MAC AND CHEESE? MAC AND CHEESE. YEAH! (APPLAUSE) (BASEBALL BAT CLANKS) (CHEERING) Lauren: I MEAN, HE'S LOOKING AROUND HERE. LOOKING FOR YOU. I-- YOU KNEW IT WAS TODAY. I PUBLISHED THE CALENDAR. MARK: Lauren, the meeting went longer than expected. What-- What do you want from me? YOU KNOW WHAT? I JUST WANT YOU TO BE A DAD! I CAN'T TAKE IT! (CHUCKLES) WHY DON'T YOU HOP OVER TO THE SNACK BAR TO SEE IF THEY SELL ANY CHILL PILLS? CHILL PILLS? (CHUCKLES) WHY DON'T YOU BUST A MOVE BACK TO 1990? HI. DO YOU WANT TO...? (LAUGHS) YOU'RE AT A BASEBALL GAME? I'M GOING ON A MYSTERY TRIP WITH DICK! THAT'S SO GREAT. I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE WE'RE GOING. HE'S SO MUCH FUN. ARGH! I'M SO EXCITED! (CHUCKLES) NOW BATTING, NUMBER 23, TYLER REYNOLDS! OK! COME ON! GO, TYLER! WHOO! COME ON, TYLER! THEY'RE PUTTING THIS KID IN? LEAGUE RULE. EVERY KID HAS TO PLAY TWO INNINGS. EVEN KIDS LIKE HIM. I'LL KICK YOUR ASS FOR TWO INNINGS` YOU BETTER SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE` ...YOU BURT REYNOLDS SCRAWNY REJECT! ...OR I'M GONNA STUFF MY ENTIRE FIST IN YOUR MOUTH! HEY, HOW OLD IS THAT PITCHER? HE LOOKS LIKE A NASCAR DRIVER. STEE-RIKE! COME ON! THAT'S OK, BUDDY! SHAKE IT OFF! IT'S OK! OH, NO. HE'S NOT GONNA HAVE ONE OF HIS MELTDOWNS, IS HE? NO, HE HAS TWO MORE SWINGS. IT'S GONNA BE OK. OK, I BETTER GO NOW, THEN. OH, BY THE WAY, I NEED A WEEK OFF. OH, YEAH, SURE. WHEN'S THE VACATION? TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY. WAIT, NO. THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK COS THAT'S SPRING BREAK, AND I'VE GOTTA TAKE CARE OF THE BOYS. STEE-RIKE TWO! WHY?! IT'S OK, CUTIE! YOU GOT THIS! CHECK OUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THIS KID STRIKES OUT. ONE MORE COMMENT LIKE THAT AND IT IS GO TIME. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, RATSO! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! SO CHECK IT! I THOUGHT MARK WAS TAKING THE KIDS WHITE-WATER RAFTING. OH, SHOCKER. HE CANCELLED. BUSINESS TRIP. NOW I'M RACKING MY BRAIN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO COMPETE WITH THAT. YOU WON'T. THERE'S NO TIME. AND WHY SHOULD WE BOTH STAY AT HOME? YOU ARE THE BESTEST BUSINESS PARTNER EVER. (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) STEE-RIKE THREE! I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! I SUCK! NO. ARGH! OH BOY. HERE WE GO AGAIN. ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! (SIGHS) MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY BADMINTON. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY MOUTHWASH! AND DEODORANT! AND SOME TESTOSTERONE SUPPLEMENTS! AND SOME CIALIS! I'M JUST ASSUMING! AND SHAVE YOUR NECK! IT'S VERY HAIRY. Lauren: OH GOD. (PANTS) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) (GRUNTS) WHAT? UGH. UGH. NO. NO. (WHIMPERING) DAMN IT. RIP THAT LITTLE LOOP OFF THE BACK OF YOUR SHIRT. AND STEP THREE... DADDY? YES? WHAT DO YOU MISS ABOUT MOMMY? WHAT DO I MISS ABOUT MOMMY? (INHALES SHARPLY) HMM. EVERYTHING. I MISS HER LAUGH AND HER SMILE, AND I MISS HER LITTLE NOSE THAT SHE GAVE TO YOU. LUCKILY YOU DIDN'T GET MINE. YOU'D LOOK VERY WEIRD. (CHUCKLES) YEAH. I MISS EVERY TIME "THE WIZARD OF OZ" WAS ON. I LOVE THAT MOVIE. I KNOW. SHE WOULD SING ALL THE SONGS TO US, ESPECIALLY "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW." YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS MOST ABOUT HER? WHAT? GETTING TO TELL HER HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. ARE YOU ALLOWED TO DO THAT WITH ANYONE ELSE? AM I ALLOWED? YOUR MOTHER, BEFORE SHE LEFT... THAT'S ALL SHE WOULD TALK ABOUT WAS ME FINDING SOMEBODY ELSE. BUT I WOULD TELL HER I CAN'T BECAUSE SHE'S MY ONE AND ONLY. WHAT DID MOMMY SAY? YOUR MOM WOULD SAY MY HEART IS SO BIG THAT IT HAS ROOM FOR TWO. THAT'S ANOTHER THING I MISS ABOUT YOUR MOTHER. SHE ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS AWESOME. I THINK YOU'RE AWESOME, DADDY. THANK YOU. HEY, DAD? UM, I` I HAVE A PERSONAL ERRAND TO RUN, AND I NEED TO BORROW THE CAR. WELL, YOU CAN'T DRIVE WITHOUT ME YET, AND SOMEBODY'S GOT TO STAY HERE WITH YOUR SISTERS. DAD, I HAVE A PERSONAL ERRAND. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? EH, YOU TAKING A HIT OUT ON SOMEBODY? DAD, SHE'S MONSTERATING. WHAT? I HAVE MY PERIOD! OH! I` I FORGOT YOU GET THOSE. 1 TAMPAX PEARLS. DOUCHES. FRESH SCENT. MEDICATED AND SWEET ROMANCE. (INHALES SHARPLY) YEAH, LET'S NOT BE DOIN' THE SWEET ROMANCE DOUCHES QUITE YET. "POY-SEE" FEMININE WASH. POY-SEE? THAT'S A LITTLE CLOSE, GUYS. "ALWAYS CLEAN"? I COULD ACTUALLY USE THOSE. UH,... WHAT'S A DIVA CUP? IS THAT TO MAKE COFFEE? I DON'T UNDER... WHAT KIND DO YOU GUYS USE? (SIGHS) NO! HI. DON'T TELL ME. LAUREN. LAUREN. MR HOOTERS. JIM. WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN THE SWEATER? JUST FOR THE ARTICLES? UH, NO. THESE, UM, ACTUALLY ARE, UM, FOR MY SON. WOW. WHAT A PROGRESSIVE MOTHER! NO, I` I FOUND A CENTREFOLD UNDER HIS BED, AND I TORE IT UP. FROM A MAGAZINE, NOT THE INTERNET? HE'S OLD SCHOOL. I RESPECT THAT. WHY'D YOU TEAR IT UP? BECAUSE AS A WOMAN, I WAS TOTALLY OFFENDED. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE. IT'S A NORMAL PART OF GROWIN' UP. OK, BUT HE TAPED A PICTURE OF OUR BABYSITTER'S FACE ON IT. OK. THAT'S SICK. HE NEEDS HELP. BORDERLINE DAHMER SITUATION. I'M SORRY TO REPORT THAT. OH, VERY FUNNY. OK, BUT IF YOU HAD KIDS, YOU'D UNDERSTAND IT'S... THREE DAUGHTERS. ...COMPLICATED. YOU HAVE THREE DAUGHTERS? YES. DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER CHILDREN, OR JUST THE MASTURBATOR? HE HAS A YOUNGER BROTHER. UH-HUH. WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL DO A BETTER JOB WITH THAT KID. I'M JUST JOKIN'. SO, WHAT? YOU'RE HERE TO REPLACE IT BEFORE THE KID FINDS OUT? YES. BUT I CAN'T TELL WHAT MAGAZINE IT'S FROM. I` I` I JUST-- (SIGHS) DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THE CENTREFOLD REMNANTS? YES, I DO. I, UM... I TRIED TO TAPE IT BACK UP. DID A GREAT JOB. YOU CAN HARDLY TELL. SNAPPER MAGAZINE. HOW CAN YOU TELL? FROM THE STAPLE PLACEMENT AND THE, UH, THE WAY THE PAPER FEELS, AND I ALREADY HAVE THIS COPY AT HOME. HOW ABOUT A FIST BUMP, UH? YEP, THAT'S THE ONE. GREAT. EXCUSE ME. ACTUALLY, I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING THAT MIGHT HELP US BOTH, UM, TO SAVE US SOME EMBARRASSMENT. HOW ABOUT I BRING THAT UP TO THE CASHIER AND YOU BRING THIS UP FOR ME? WHOA. ARE THESE FOR YOUR DAUGHTER? YEAH. SHE'S 15, AND HER "FRIEND" JUST PAID A VISIT. OK. WELL, THESE ARE FOR A MUCH OLDER "FRIEND." A MUCH HEAVIER "FRIEND" STAYING IN A MUCH BIGGER "ROOM" THAN YOUR DAUGHTER HAS. YOU LOST ME. YOU FOUND ME. OH. CAN I GET A BUMP? NO. NO. OK. SO YOU WILL DO THIS. THAT'LL BE $13. HI, I'M TOM. HERE'S YOUR CHANGE. HI, I'M TOM. YEAH, YOU TOLD ME. NEXT. OH. I REMEMBER THE SLENDER FIT DAYS. YOU MUST BE DOIN' YOUR KEGELS. NOWADAYS I NEED SIX OF THESE TAPED TOGETHER. (SCANNER BEEPS) OK. MOVING ON. YEAH. AND WE GOT... THAT AND, UH, CARD. ROCKIN' SATURDAY NIGHT, HUH, LEFTY? OH, THAT'S NOT MINE. THAT-- THAT'S HER-- FOR HER KID. OOH, PRETTY PROGRESSIVE MOM. (SCANNER BEEPS) YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I... SAID TO HER TOO. Why would you do that? I'm sorry. What is wrong with you? I'll get you out of it. SHE JUST TAKES HER HOME-SCHOOLING REAL SERIOUS, SO THAT'S WHY. WE GET THOSE BACK? SHE'S GOTTA GET HOME TO THE KID AND GET HIM GOING, SO... TAKE CARE. YEAH. HI, I'M TOM. (SIGHS) THANKS A LOT FOR SELLING ME OUT BACK THERE. OH, SHE DIDN'T EVEN HEAR ABOUT-- I PANICKED. I'M SORRY. HERE. OH, I NOTICED. THANK YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE THREE GIRLS. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE YOU WITH THREE GIRLS. DON'T, THEN. (SIGHS) I'M SORRY. WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES? HILARY, LOU, AND ESPN. "ESPIN." MM-HM. THAT'S UNIQUE. MM-HM. IS IT BIBLICAL? NO. NAMED AFTER MY FAVOURITE NETWORK. (HUMS "ESPN SportsCenter" THEME) ESPN. NO. YEP. (LAUGHS) WHAT? (CHUCKLES) PRETTY COOL. Laughing OH MY GOD. YOUR WIFE MUST HAVE BEEN A SAINT. SHE WAS. YOUR HUSBAND MUST HAVE BEEN VERY PATIENT DEALING WITH... OH. ANOTHER CHARMING SENTIMENT FROM CAPTAIN CHEESE STICKS. YOU KNOW WHAT? HOOTERS IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU. I'D NEVER BRING YOU THERE AGAIN. OH, WELL, THEN I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO LEARN TO GET THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT HOOTERS. YOU'VE BEEN DOIN' A PRETTY DAMN GOOD JOB SO FAR! THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. NO, THEY-- I DIDN'T REALISE THEY WERE THAT BIG. (BOTH CARS CHIRP) OH, WHATEVER. (ENGINE TURNS OVER) (TYRES SCREECH) Lauren: GUYS, UNFORTUNATELY, YOUR DAD HAD A BUSINESS TRIP THAT CAME UP, SO YOUR WHITE-WATER RAFTING TRIP IS GONNA GET POSTPONED TILL THIS SUMMER. WHAT?! SO WE'RE STUCK HERE DOING NOTHING ALL WEEK?! I HAVE PLANS. I HAVE GREAT PLANS ACTUALLY. LIKE WHAT? BOWLING AND GOING TO THE MALL? HOW DID YOU KNOW? (DOORBELL RINGS) BET THAT'S DAD! MAYBE HE'LL TAKE US ON HIS BUSINESS TRIP! OH, HEY. IS YOUR MOM HOME? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "IS YOUR MOM HOME"? WHO ARE YOU? I'M JIM. JIM? "JIM66@DSG.COM"? WHAT IS THIS, "DATELINE NBC"? YES, YOU GOT IT RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU WANT? I NEED TO TALK TO YOUR MOTHER. NOT A BIG DEAL. SHE SAID SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN YOU. WELL, BELIEVE ME, FRODO, I DON'T LIKE HER EITHER. UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE TO SORT SOMETHING OUT WITH HER. BRENDAN, HONEY, WHO'S AT THE--? HEY. JIM. YOU LIED! LIAR! YOU LIKE HIM! WHAT? I DIDN'T LIE, HONEY. HE'S A BUFFOON. JUST LIKE I SAID. DON'T TALK TO ME! EVER! WHAT? NO, SWEETIE, COME ON. WHAT? GREAT. WHICH ONE WAS THE MASTURBATOR? THE BIG ONE? WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHAT DO YOU WANT? THE OLD BAG AT THE PHARMACY MIXED UP OUR CARDS. WELL, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE I KEEP MY CARDS VERY ORGANISED. IN FACT, I KEEP THEM IN COLOUR-CODED SLEEVES-- ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE THIS BACK TO WHOEVER IT BELONGS TO. LAUREN REYNOLDS. YOU KNOW HER? HAVE YOU MET HER? OH. (SIGHS) GOD, I... I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME LATELY. I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING MY MIND. JUST COME IN. SO WAIT. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE? I GOOGLED YOU, AND "CLOSET QUEENS" CAME UP. YOU'RE A LESBIAN? NO. WE ORGANISE "CLOSETS." AND WE'RE THE BEST, SO WE'RE "QUEENS." "CLOSET QUEENS." MAYBE THE PICTURE WAS CONFUSING ME. WHAT PICTURE? OH, THOSE LITTLE WEASELS. YOUR GIRLFRIEND, LIKE, DOES SHE KNOW WE WENT ON A DATE? IS SHE GONNA KILL ME? SHE LOOKS NUTS. LAUREN! WELL, HERE SHE IS. I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! UH,... I` I NEVER TOUCHED HER. SHE` SHE REPULSES ME. WHAT? WHAT? JEN, WHAT'S WRONG? IT'S OVER BETWEEN ME AND DICK. OVER? I THOUGHT YOU DON'T LIKE DICK. BUT YOU GUYS JUST STARTED USING THE "L" WORD. "THE L WORD." I SAW THAT SHOW. YOU GUYS LOVE THAT ONE I'M-- I'M GUESSIN'. I'M SORRY. WHO ARE YOU? ARE YOU HERE TO FIX SOMETHING? COS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST GO AND DO THAT. I'M JIM. I'M NOT A THREAT. JIM? THE BLIND-DATE GUY. YOU SAID THAT WAS A DISASTER. OH, IT WAS. YOU SAID HE WAS A CHUBBY LOSER. HE IS. YOU DIDN'T MENTION HE HAS THAT HIGH PHLEGMY VOICE LIKE HE DRINKS A LOT OF DAIRY. I KNOW-- STANDIN' RIGHT HERE, LADIES. HEARIN' EVERYTHING. ALL RIGHT, OUR CARDS GOT SWITCHED, SO WE'RE JUST DEALING WITH THAT. WHAT HAPPENED WITH DICK? HE JUST DROPPED A MAJOR BOMB ON ME. HE'S MARRIED. NO, WORSE. HE'S GOT KIDS. (BOTH LAUGH) OH, YOU'RE STILL HERE. WHY? YOU STILL HAVE MY CARD. "WHY?" WAIT. YOU'RE JUST GONNA BREAK UP WITH HIM BECAUSE HE HAS CHILDREN? FIVE CHILDREN. FIVE. WHAT AM I, JULIE ANDREWS? I'M GONNA SEW MATCHING OUTFITS AND SING TO ESCAPE THE NAZIS? HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO BE "PART OF THE TEAM." NO, I DON'T! WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GO ON THE TRIP AND, YOU KNOW, SPEND SOME ALONE TIME WITH DICK AND THEN-- OH, NO. SEE, HE WANTED THE KIDS TO COME WITH US. HE WANTED ME TO GET TO KNOW THEM IN A "FUN AND NEUTRAL ENVIRONMENT." EH, EH, EH, FIVE KIDS? IS HIS LAST NAME THEODOPOLIS? YES. THAT'S INCREDIBLE. THAT'S MY BOSS. WHAT? HE OWNS ALL THE DICK'S SPORTING GOODS. I` I MANAGE THE ONE IN RIDGEFIELD. OF COURSE YOU DO. DICK TAKES A LOT OF SPECIAL-NEEDS PEOPLE AND MAKES THEM "MANAGERS" OF SOMETHING SO THEY CAN HAVE A BUSINESS CARD AND FEEL IMPORTANT. GOOD FOR YOU! THAT EXPLAINS IT. THAT EXPLAINS A LOT. YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY I APPLIED TO WORK AT CLOSET QUEENS, BUT THEY SAID THERE'S ALREADY A GORILLA (Chuckling) FILLING THAT POSITION. Voice breaking IT'S A THYROID THING. (CHUCKLES) WHERE WAS HE GONNA TAKE YOU? AFRICA. IT WAS GONNA BE INCREDIBLE. LOOK AT THAT. MY GOD. SUN, SAND, SAFARIS. WOW. OH MY GOD. WHAT DO WE GOT? HE MUST REALLY LIKE YOU A L SORRY, I'M NOT GETTIN' IT AT ALL. OK. AND THIS CONCLUDES OUR BUSINESS. THANK YOU. AFRICA. SO HE'S JUST GONNA GO HERE ALL BY HIMSELF WITH HIS KIDS NOW? NO. HE'S HEARTBROKEN NOW. NOBODY GETS TO GO. OH, DAMN IT! (SIGHS) WHY DOES HE HAVE TO HAVE JOINT CUSTODY? I THOUGHT THE MOTHER ALWAYS GOT THE KIDS. I MEAN, THIS IS A WEEK AWAY. I HOPE HE GETS HIS MONEY BACK. A WEEK OUT? ARGH! NOT A CHANCE. WELL, MAYBE THEY DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY IN AFRICA. OH, I FORGOT YOU WERE AN EXPERT AT CLOSETS AND AFRICAN REFUND POLICIES. OK. KICK HIM OUT. DON'T LET HIM TALK TO YOU LIKE THAT. GET OUT. I'M LEAVIN'. JEN. MY BOYS WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO GO ON A VACATION LIKE THIS. MR THEODOPOLIS. HI. IT'S JIM FRIEDMAN. I DON'T MEAN TO BE A VULTURE PICKING ON THE CARCASS OF YOUR DEAD RELATIONSHIP, BUT I WONDER... ...IF YOU'D BE WILLIN' TO SELL ME THE VACATION YOU WERE GONNA GO ON WITH FREDDY KRUEGER'S SISTER? I MEAN, I HAVE BEEN SAVING AND SAVING. I COULD NEVER GIVE HIM FULL VALUE FOR IT... ...BUT SOMETHIN'S BETTER THAN NOTHIN', RIGHT, SIR? IT WOULD JUST BE THE THREE OF US. IT WOULD JUST BE THE FOUR OF US, SO WE'D ONLY NEED ONE ROOM. OH MY GOD. (PANTS) WAIT UNTIL I TELL THE BOYS! OH. WAIT TILL I TELL THE GIRLS! Both: WE'RE GOING TO AFRICA! ARGH! YEAH! 1 "YEHLISA UMOYA" I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE HERE. THIS IS PRETTY COOL, MOM. # AFRICA. # WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME. SO I DID GOOD? THIS IS BETTER THAN, LIKE, BOWLING AND THE MALL? OH YEAH. # WELCOME. # WELCOME, WELCOME. # AFRICA! AFRICA! # THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU. THIS IS TERRIFIC. THIS IS GREAT. WHAT THE F--? BRENDAN! WHAT THE FUDGE IS HE DOING HERE? (LAUGHS) WE'RE GOING ON FAMILY VACATIONS TOGETHER NOW? I` I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THEY FOLLOWED US TO AFRICA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. IS THIS A SICK DREAM? WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? YOU'RE STALKING MY MOM! YOU'RE A PREDATOR! HEY! DON'T TALK TO MY DAD LIKE THAT, BUTTHOLE! LANGUAGE! HOW ABOUT YOU DON'T CORRECT MY DAUGHTER, OK? SHE CAN SAY "BUTTHOLE" IF SHE WANTS TO. BUTTHOLE! BUTTHOLE! NOT YOU. I HEAR THUNDER ON THE MOUNTAIN. (LAUGHS) WELCOME TO SOUTH AFRICA. MFANA AT YOUR SERVICE. MFANA. UH, JIM. UH, I MEAN, UH, UH, DICK. DICK THEODOPOLIS. WELCOME, DICK THEODOPOLIS! AND YOU ARE TRAVELING WITH, UH, ONE LITTLE GIRL AND TWO, UH,... BIG GIRLS. (LAUGHS) OF COURSE. AND YOU MUST BE MISS PALMER. YES. JEN PALMER. OH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID. I SEE WHAT YOU DID TOO. ARE YOU READY FOR THE MOST EXCITING, AMAZING AND ROMANTIC WEEK OF YOUR ENTIRE LIVES? # EXCITING, AMAZING, ROMANTIC! # YEAH, WE'RE HERE FOR THE ZERO-ROMANCE PACKAGE. YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD THE CHILDREN, MY FRIENDS? TOLD THE CHILDREN WHAT? DO I HAVE A NEW MOMMY? MFANA. WILL YOU DO US A FAVOUR? JUST LEAVE US ALONE FOR JUST TWO SECS. KULUNGILE, WHICH MEANS "OF COURSE." THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. LISTEN. WOULD YOU JUST REASSURE MY SON THAT WE'RE NOT DATING? WE ARE NOT DATING! I PROMISE YOU. THIS IS NOT A FACE I WANNA WAKE UP TO EVERY MORNING. WOW. YOU'D BE LUCKY TO WAKE UP TO THAT EVERY DAY. MY MOM IS FRIGGIN' HOT. DID YOU JUST SAY YOUR MOM WAS HOT? NO! NOT HOT! (CHUCKLES) THAT'S JUST WRONG. TYLER! TYLER! WHOO! YEAH! GET DOWN FROM THERE! WHEE-HEE! OH GOD! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... WHOA! ...PLEASE GET DOWN! WHOO! ARGH! Brendan: THIS PLACE IS GINORMOUS! Tyler: OH MY GOD! Mfana: FOLLOW ME. RIGHT THIS WAY. WELCOME TO YOUR FAMILYMOON. WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Brendan: THIS IS SO COOL. Jim: WHOA-HO! NOW WE'RE TALKIN'! (CHUCKLES) THIS IS AFRICA, BABY! WE'LL TAKE THIS ROOM. NO! WE WANT THIS ROOM. SILLY THEOCROPOLISES! THIS IS FOR THE CHILDREN. THIS ROOM IS FOR THE MAMA AND THE PAPA. Brendan and Tyler: WHOA. Hilary: HUGE! AWESOME. LOOK AT ALL THIS CANDY. HERE IS WHERE YOU MAKE MORE THEOPOTAMUSES. (LAUGHS) MY BAD. WHAT PART OF "NOT DATING" DOES THIS BED FIT INTO? OH BOY. OK. YOU KNOW WHAT? EVERYBODY FALL INTO LINE. BRENDAN, TYLER, HONEY, I NEED YOU ON THE COUCH. HILARY, UH, C-SPAN, LOU-- ESPN, ESPN. E-E-E-EXCUSE ME -- ESPN. I'M SORRY, HONEY. OH MY GOD. DICK WAS GONNA PROPOSE TO JEN. A FAMILY HONEYMOON. A "FAMILYMOON." AND YOUR DUMB FRIEND RUINED IT. SO HERE'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN. THE FIRST ROOM WE SAW, WE'RE GONNA TAKE THAT. AND YOU AND YOUR DERANGED BOYS CAN HAVE WILT CHAMBERLAIN'S HEADQUARTERS. DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU EATING? MM. "CHERRY PAN-TIES." WHAT ARE "CHERRY PAN-TIES"? LET ME SEE THAT. OH NO! GOD! SPIT IT OUT! WHY? SPIT IT OUT! JUST-- NO CHERRY PAN-TIES EVER! OUT, OUT, OUT! Brendan: HEY, MOM. I GUESS THIS USED TO BE A FIREHOUSE. ARGH! LOOK AT THIS PLACE. WOW. HELLO, MR SNUFFLEUPAGUS. UH, THEODOPOLIS. HELLO... GIRLS. GIRLS. THEY'RE GIRLS. THAT'S TWICE. LET'S GO, GUYS-- GIRLS. 23. LOOKIN' FOR 23. THERE IT IS. (CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) OH! HI! HEY. HOW YOU DOIN'? I` I THINK WE'RE SHARIN' A TABLE WITH YA. YEAH. HI! I'M EDDY WERNICK, AND THIS IS GINGER WERNICK AND OUR SON, JAKE. WE'RE FROM VANCOUVER. 'KAY. I'M YOUR SON, ALL RIGHT? GINGER WOULD'VE HAD TO GIVE BIRTH TO ME WHEN SHE WAS 6. SHE'S NOT MY MOM. OK. GET IT OUT THERE FOR EVERYONE. SHARIN' IT, LOVIN' IT. NO HOLDIN' BACK. THAT'S GOOD. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO OUR THING. COME ON. COME ON. ISN'T THIS PLACE FANTASTIC? SO ROMANTIC. AW. Jim: GOOD. GONNA HAVE A NICE TRIP HERE. UM, DAD? HEY, SWEETIE. WHERE SHOULD I SIT? YOU CAN SIT ANYWHERE YOU WANT. WHAT ABOUT MOM? WHERE DOES SHE SIT? UH, WHERE DO YOU WANT HER TO SIT? NEXT TO ME? THEN, THAT'S WHERE SHE'LL SIT. GO AHEAD. YOU-- YOU S-- GET RIGHT NEXT TO LOU. YOUR MOM'S RIGHT THERE. OK. OK? MM-HM. ALL GOOD. IGNORIN' IT. IGNORIN' THE WEIRDNESS. AH. WHERE'S THE FUNERAL AT, BOYS? WHERE'S THE GOLF TOURNAMENT AT, GIRLS? OH, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO. MFANA. MFANA! YES! MRS UH... REYNOLDS. PALMER! JUST NOT HIS WIFE, OK? I DON'T WANNA SIT HERE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. (CHUCKLES) I'M AFRAID IT MUST HAPPEN, MA'AM. ALL TABLES ARE FILLED, A` AND THIS IS YOUR FAMILY. PLEASE SIT WITH US. YOU GIVE IT A TRY. OK. EVERY FAMILY FIGHTS. YOU MAKE IT BETTER. MM-HM. YES? YES. TRY THE CHAKALAKA. HI, NEW PEOPLE. HELLO. THIS IS LAUREN, BY THE WAY, AND HER CHILDREN, THE KARATE KIDS, WAX ON AND WAX (CHUCKLES) OFF. OH. (LAUGHS) ISN'T THIS PLACE FANTASTIC? OH, IT'S SO ROMANTIC. SORRY, WH` WHAT'D YOU SAY? SO ROMANTIC! (GIGGLES) EASY. KEEPIN' IT CLASSY, HUH, GINGER? OH, JAKEY, YOU HAVE SOMETHING ON YOUR FACE. OH, IT'S A MOLE. HEY! YOU CAN'T SIT THERE. WHY NOT? MY MOM'S SITTING THERE. IS SHE IN THE BATHROOM OR SOMETHING? NO. SHE'S SITTING THERE RIGHT NOW. ARE YOU ON MEDS OR-- OW! IT'S OK, ESPN. WE'LL GET BRENDAN ANOTHER CHAIR. THANK YOU. WHATEVER. I'M JUST GONNA GO TO THE BUFFET. TYLER, COME WITH ME. THEY EAT FRIED CATERPILLARS HERE. HELL YEAH! Jim: VERY NICE. GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU HIT THE BUFFET ALSO? LARRY, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PLENTY OF BEEF, 'KAY? GOTTA BULK UP FOR THE SEASON. LOVE YA. GO ON. "BULK UP FOR THE SEASON"? WHAT IS SHE? A BEAR? (BOTH LAUGH) SHE'S TRYING OUT FOR GIRLS' VARSITY THIS YEAR. A LOT OF BIG LADIES OUT THERE. OH. SO SHE'S GONNA EAT HER WAY INTO THE STARTING FIVE. MY GOD. (SINGING IN ZULU) HELLO, EVERYBODY! MY NAME IS NICKENS. AND WE ARE THATHOO! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE PLAY TRADITIONAL SOUTH AFRICAN ISICATHAMIYA MUSIC WITH A LITTLE BIT OF AMERICAN SOUL. YEBO! (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) WHOO! IT IS GETTING A LITTLE HOT IN HERE. WHOO! YES. FINALLY, MY HUGE AFRICAN ARMS ARE FREE. YEAH, BABY! YES, THEY ARE. NO. I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO OUR FOURTH ANNUAL BLENDED FAMILYMOON WEEK! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YEBO! WHAT'S A BLENDED FAMILY? I DON'T KNOW. IT SOUNDS PAINFUL, THOUGH. I AM LOOKING OUT AT ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL STEPCHILDREN, STEPDADS,... STEPMOMS... HALF-BROTHERS, SAME-SEX DOMESTIC PARTNERS AND GOOD OLD-FASHIONED BOOTY CALLS GONE WRONG. (LAUGHTER) NOW, EVEN THOUGH THE EMPHASIS IS ON FAMILY, WE HERE AT THE BEAUTIFUL SUN CITY RESORT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU GET SOME ALONE TIME. OH! BECAUSE ALONE TIME CAN SOMETIME TAKE A LONG TIME. WE HAVE MANY SUPERVISED ACTIVITIES FOR THE YOUNG ONES TO DO. WE HAVE A FABULOUS JUNGLE PLAY ZONE. (SHOUTING) Nickens: A NIGHTLY POOL PARTY. HEY, ESPN. WHY AREN'T YOU GETTING IN? IS YOUR MOM AFRAID OF THE WATER? (CHUCKLES) GOOD ONE, MOM. MAGICAL ANIMAL TIME. LITTLE ONE, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO TRY PETTING A LIVING ANIMAL? HE'S DEAD? (SOBS) Nickens: AND OUR FAMOUS TEKULA TEEN DISCO! HEY, DUDE. THERE'S A LOT OF HOT CHICKS OUT HERE. (MAN CHUCKLES) THE BEST TIME. YEAH. (SPLASH) WHAT THE HECK IS...? WHAT IS THAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OH MY GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OH MY GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! CROCODILE! CROCODILE ATTACK! HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! GOD! OH MY GOD! MR BELLYFLOPOLIS, THE CROCODILES ARE FAKE! THEY'RE FAKE?! YES, THEY'RE FAKE! WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THEM LOOK SO REALISTIC?! WELL, TO SCARE THE BABOONS AWAY. YOU JUST SCARED A ZEBRA STRIPE INTO MY UNDERWEAR! DON'T WORRY! WHAT HAPPENS IN AFRICA STAYS IN AFRICA. (LAUGHTER) (LAUREN BREATHING HEAVILY) OH. OH. TYLER. OK. EXCUSE ME. OH! OK. (HEAD THUNKS) OH! OH! UH, THAT'S ONE WAY TO GET HIM TO SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT. YOU SAW THAT? NO, I ACTUALLY HEARD IT. I THINK THEY HEARD IT IN UGANDA. (CHUCKLES) IT WAS A LOT EASIER WHEN HE WAS LOU'S AGE. OF COURSE, LET ME HELP YA OUT HERE. HERE YA ARE. YOU'RE HOME. THANK YOU. ABSOLU-- UH-OH! WHOA! TOO LATE. OH, WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WHOA, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. PICK-- PICK-- PICK HIM UP. THREE-SECOND RULE. OH GOD! (Chuckling) THREE-SECOND RULE. GOOD, GOOD, GOOD. YOU'RE FINE. HE'S FINE. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) OK, NOW I'M GETTING SCARED. OK. (SMOOCHES) SLEEP, SLEEP. TOO HOT IN HERE. NO BLANKET, OK? SHH. HERE'S YOUR BUDDY. LOVE YA, LOVE YA. MOM'S SLEEPING THERE. OK, CAN I SLEEP WITH HER? NO, YOU'LL CRUSH HER. NO, I JUST-- I COULD GET IN WITH HER AND SPOON WITH HER. IT WOULD BE NICE. I DON'T WANNA SEE THAT. NO. (SMACKS LIPS) OK. WE'LL LET MOMMY REST. I'LL, UH, I'LL FIGURE IT OUT. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU TOO, DAD. GOODNIGHT. SLEEP GOOD. (GRUNTS) ME AND YOU THERE, SHORTY. OK, THAT'S RIGHT. RIGHT ON MY NECK. THAT'S GONNA MAKE A NICE EVENING FOR ME. (SIGHS) VOICEOVER: You brush your teeth twice a day, right? Mm-hm. But 80% of bacteria aren't even on teeth. (RECORD SCRATCHES) 80%?! Colgate Total fights bacteria on teeth, tongue, cheeks and gums, protecting 100% of your mouth's surfaces. Colgate Total - for whole mouth health. 1 HEY, GUYS. IT IS TIME TO WAKE UP. AFRICA AWAITS US. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL MORNING. IS HE CRAZY? Hilary: GO AWAY. IT'S WAY TOO EARLY. LOU, WILL YOU WAKE UP WITH DADDY, PLEASE? Growling IN THE NAME OF LUCIFER, LET US SLEEP. UP, UP, UP, YOU TWO. I HAVE QUITE A DAY PLANNED. (SIGHS) I NEED A COFFEE. MORNING. BIG DAY PLANNED? OH YEAH. 7:15 NATURE WALK. 8:30 PETTING ZOO. 10 A.M. NATIVE CRAFTS. AH. THE BOYS, THEY'RE SO EXCITED. OH REALLY? MY GIRLS ARE ECSTATIC ALSO. THEY'RE JUST JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON THE BED. CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE HERE. CREAM? Both: NO, THANK YOU. SUGAR? Both: YES, PLEASE. COULDN'T GET THE BOYS OUT OF BED, COULD YOU? NO. THE GIRLS? THE GIRLS ARE PROBABLY SLEEPING THE REST OF THE TRIP. SO... POSSIBLE EXORCISM COMING FOR THE LITTLE ONE. WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS. WELL, IT'S BEAUTIFUL HERE. OH YEAH. (RHINOCEROSES GRUNTING) I'LL SEE YOU AROUND. YEAH. HAVE A GOOD ONE. YOU WON'T SEE THAT IN NEW JERSEY. OK. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO. OK. HERE YOU GO, BABY. THAT'S IT, SWEETIE. TAKE HIM DOWN. TAKE HIM! THAT'S IT. BACK HIM. USE YOUR WEIGHT! MUSCLE HIM! (GRUNTS) USE YOUR BODY. (GRUNTS) OH YES! FINISH IT! (GROANS) AND BAM! THAT'S IT! YES! YES! WAY TO GO, LARRY. WINNER'S UP. LET'S GO. GIMME THE BALL. BUDDY. UP TOP. AND WE GO IN. LET'S GO. GET LOOSE. CUT. CUT! LARRY! MOVE! COME ON. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? LARRY? JUST CUT! GO! BREAK IT. SHAKE HIM OFF. COME ON. ARE YOU--? ARE YOU VOGUING RIGHT NOW? WHAT IS HAPPENING? HERE! JUST TAKE THE BALL. WORK THE KID. WORK HIM. LOSE HIM. CROSS HIM. CROSS HIM OVER. CROSS HIM. DON'T SKIP! YO! WHY YOU MOVING LIKE THAT? IS IT THE BRA? COS IF-- IF IT'S THE BRA, JUST TAKE IT OFF. YOU DON'T NEED IT ANYWAYS. WHAT? (SOBS) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WE JUST STARTED. IS YOUR BOY OK? WHY DOES HE WEAR A BRA? SHE'S A GIRL. YOU SUCK. # YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK. (SINGING IN ZULU) # YOUR BOY HAS NO SKILLS. # YOU SCHOOLED BY A LITTLE GIRL. YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK. # TYLER, SLOW DOWN! COME ON, MOM! WE'RE GOING 4 MILES PER HOUR. THAT'S PLENTY FAST ENOUGH. FAST AND SAFE. Mfana: MISS PALMER! IT'S OK TO GO FAST. OH, OK, MFANA. WATCH ME! (LAUGHS) WHEE! Woman: YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! WATCH OUT, GRANDMA! ARGH! MY BAD. Woman: THE BLENDING PROCESS IS REALLY GOING WELL FOR US. MY HUSBAND'S 13-YEAR-OLD STILL HAS SOME HATRED ISSUES TOWARDS ME, BUT IT IS BECOMING LESS PHYSICAL. (EXHALES SHARPLY) SO IT'S A START. THAT'S GREAT. Woman: GOOD FOR YOU. YEAH. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A PILLOW PRESSED AGAINST MY FACE. BUT I COULD SENSE SOME GUILT AFTERWARDS. SO THAT'S PROGRESS. YEAH. HANG IN THERE, LADIES. THERE'S A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. THIS LITTLE ANGEL HERE IS FINALLY STARTING TO THINK OF ME AS HER SECOND MOM. NOT JUST HER FORMER GYMNASTICS TEACHER. WHA` WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING, HONEY? IT'S A PICTURE OF ELEPHANTS STOMPING ON YOUR HEAD AND MAKING YOU DEAD. (GIGGLES) STOP IT. (SIGHS) DON'T WORRY. WHAT HAPPENS IN AFRICA STAYS IN AFRICA. BUMP MY FIST? (GIGGLES) JIM'S SO FUNNY. YEAH. (GROWLS) (SQUEALS) "BANAMANGA" PLAYING Tyler: (GRUNTS) MY HEAD IS BOILING, MOM. GET IT OFF. I'M TRYING. WHY DID YOU TIE IT WITH SO MANY KNOTS? COS I DIDN'T WANT IT TO COME FLYING OFF. OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER FACE? I PAINTED IT. SH` SHE'S A KITTY CAT. ARE YOU WEARING EYE SHADOW? I MADE DADDY A PRINCESS, BUT HE WASHED THE PAINT OFF. WELL, NOT ALL THE WAY OFF BECAUSE HE LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE LADY GAGA. WHY IS THIS KID WEARING A HELMET? ARE YOU CARRYIN' HIM TO BED AGAIN OR SOMETHIN'? NO, I TIED THE CHIN STRAP TOO MANY TIMES. IT'S-- I CAN'T GET IT OFF. BEST THING ABOUT WORKIN' AT A SPORTING GOODS STORE -- SWISS ARMY KNIVES. JUST-- JUST BE CAREFUL. I'LL GO EASY. AH! OH! UH-HUH. UH-HUH. THANK YOU. THANKS. SURE. DADDY, I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM. YOU DO? OK. CAN SHE TAKE ME? UM, SHE'S GOT, UH, HER OWN LIFE TO LIVE. WHAT DO YOU GOTTA DO? ONE OR TWO? NUMBER ONE. I CAN HANDLE THIS. OK. WILL YOU WATCH HIM? AND I MEAN WATCH HIM. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I GOT IT, HOME SLICE. OK. FOR SURE. WHAT'S NUMBER ONE AGAIN? UM, IT'S, UH-- IT'S A PEE-PEE. Lou: AND SOMETIMES HE WIPES TOO HARD. AW, I'M SURE HE DOESN'T MEAN TO. NO, HE'S A GOOD DADDY. HE JUST DOESN'T HAVE A BAGINA. (TOILET FLUSHES) (SIGHS) OK, HONEY. LET'S WASH YOUR HANDS. (GASPS) Sobbing HE'S A BAD DADDY! HE MADE ME LOOK LIKE THE WALKING DEAD! OH, NO! OH. OK. ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE IN THE MAGIC BAG HERE. OH, PERFECT. ALL RIGHT. LA-DA-DA! YOU'RE PRETTY. YOU'RE PRETTIER. Growling I SAID YOU ARE. Growling SHUT UP AND LET ME DO YOUR MAKEUP. (GIGGLES) Lou: DON'T WORRY. THEY'RE AROUND. Lauren: OH, I'M NOT WORRIED. MAYBE THAT'S WHERE THEY ARE. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Tyler: AW, YEAH! WHOO! YEAH! TYLER? Jim: HOLD ON, NOW! EXCUSE ME. HOLD ON, BIG TIME! (GASPS) WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! (YELLING) (SCREAMS) OH! OH MY GOD! I'M GONNA KILL HIM. (YELLING CONTINUES) YEAH, BABY! HOLD ON, NOW! WHOA! WHOA! EASY, HOMEY, EASY! TYLER! GET OFF THAT DODO BIRD RIGHT NOW! OH, WHOA, WHOA. WHOA, WHOA. EVERYTHING'S FINE. THE SAFETY INSTRUCTOR'S ON TOP OF IT. (SNORES) (SNARLS) LOOK AT ME, MOM! I'M A COWBOY! WELL, PARTNER, I BET I CAN STAY ON LONGER THAN YOU! IT'S ON, SHERIFF. NO "LONGER"! NO "STAYING"! (TYLER YELLING) Jim: I CAN'T BE BEAT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! YOU'RE GOING DOWN! I'M NEVER GONNA FALL OFF! NEVER! (LAUGHING) Jim: YEAH! AW, SHUT UP! WHOO! WHOO! ONE HAND, MAMA! WHOO! (SCREAMS) (CROWD OOHS) GOOD! YES! I WIN! I'M THE KING OF AFRICA! (YELLS) TYLER! (CROWD CHEERS) (GASPING) A WINNER! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW! WOW. WHOO, BOOM! YOU'RE A MORON, OK? BECAUSE HE COULD'VE BROKEN HIS NECK! MOM, MOM, MOM! DID YOU SEE THAT? I STUCK THE LANDING AND DID THE BULL DANCE. YES! I SAW IT AND I JUST-- YOU CAN'T-- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING ME ON THIS TRIP, MOM. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! OK. GREAT! OH GOOD! OH GOOD. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HAVING FUN. AW. You're welcome. Thank you so much. WHY YOU FLIPPING MY DAD OFF? HUH? I'M NOT. # 2 O'CLOCK ON A FRIDAY MORNIN' # COME A GUN MAN, COME A KNIFE MAN... # YO! CHECK OUT WHITE GIRL IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD. AM I RIGHT, MY BROTHERS? High-pitched voice WOOT-WOOT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR DAD'S INTO MY MOM. HE DOESN'T LIKE HER. SHE'S INTO HIM. NO WAY. HE'S GOOFY AND FLABBY ALL OVER. MY MOM'S GORGEOUS WITH A ROCKING BODY. Chuckling HEY, HEY, THAT'S SICK, MAN. THAT WAS OUT OF CONTEXT! WAS IT? (LAUGHS) (CHILDREN PLAYING) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD JUST GO TALK TO HIM, BECAUSE HE PROBABLY WON'T BITE. OH! (CHUCKLES) NO, NO. I` I CAN'T. GOT A BOYFRIEND BACK AT HOME? PLEASE. ALL THE GUYS AT MY SCHOOL PRETTY MUCH ASSUME I'M A LESBIAN. AND NOT THE HOT KIND. WELL, HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED, SAY, LIKE, CHANGING YOUR HAIRSTYLE? OUR BARBER ONLY REALLY KNOWS HOW TO DO THIS AND CREW CUTS, SO... A BARBER? LIKE THE KIND WITH A POLE OUTSIDE? HE CUT OUR GRANDFATHER'S HAIR. HE CUTS MY DAD'S HAIR AND,... NOW HE CUTS OUR HAIR. (CHUCKLES) MAY I JUST...? YEP. YOU HAVE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL FACE. (CHUCKLES) YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE I WAS ACTUALLY ON MY WAY TO THE SALON. DO YOU WANNA COME CHECK IT OUT WITH ME? FOR WHAT? FOR A HAIRDO... FOR A GIRL... IN THIS CENTURY. I` I WOULD, BUT, UM, I` I'D HAVE TO ASK MY DAD FOR THE MONEY AND... NO. N-N-NO. I DON'T-- IT'S ON ME. REALLY? IT WOULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY. BECAUSE I DON'T GET TO DO THIS WITH MY BOYS. COME ON, PRINCE VALIANT. Chuckling I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS, BUT OK. Chuckling OK. WHERE DO YOU BUY YOUR CLOTHES? OH, DAD GETS MOST OF OUR CLOTHES FROM WORK. OH, THEN I GUESS WE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL HE DOESN'T WORK AT HOOTERS. NO, MY MOM WORKED AT HOOTERS. SHE WHAT? OH, MY MOM. SHE USED TO WORK AT HOOTERS. SHE MANAGED THE ONE OVER ON LAKE ST. (CHUCKLES) OH. SO THEN HE GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE AND PROPOSES. RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF KICKBOXING CLASS. (CHUCKLES) HE'S LUCKY HE DIDN'T GET KICKED IN THE NUTS. OOH. Strained OH, MY NUTS! (GIGGLES) ESPN. THIS IS THE BEST PASSION FRUIT I'VE EVER TASTED. TRY IT. AND I GOT SOME FOR YOUR MOM TOO. THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME. SO HOW'D YOU TWO SEXICANS MEET? YEAH! HITTIN' 'EM WITH THE HARD QUESTIONS. I LIKE IT. WELL, WE MET ON A BLIND DATE. UGH. HUH. THOSE ARE THE WORST. OH. I'VE BEEN ON 10 BLIND DATES IN MY LIFE. ALL FATTIES. 10 FOR 10. Chuckling ALL FATTIES. (LAUGHTER) NO OFFENCE, JIM. WHAT? SO, WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE'D HE TAKE YOU? ACTUALLY... HOOTERS. HERE WE GO. WHICH WAS WONDERFUL SERVICE, NICE PEOPLE,... REALLY GREAT. AW, HOW ROMANTIC. OH. AW, EVERYONE'S SHIMMYING NOW. (GIGGLES) SHIMMY, SHIMMY, SHIMMY. WHY YOU NO SHIMMY, JIMMY? SHIMMY. JIM? # I'M EVERY WOMAN, IT'S ALL IN ME. # I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW, # EVERY ONE FROM "A" TO "Z". # # I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU LIKE YOU WANT ME TO. # AND I'LL HOLD YOU TIGHT, BABY, ALL THROUGH... # # IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. # IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. # IT'S THE END OF THE... # WHERE'S LARRY? WHAT HAPPENED TO LARRY? I'M RIGHT HERE, DAD. WHY W-W-WERE THE, UH-- HOW DID THIS, UH...? W-WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? UM, WELL, LAUREN GAVE ME HER SALON APPOINTMENT,... UH-HUH. ...AND THEY PUT IN HAIR EXTENSIONS AND Chuckling MAKEUP, AND SHE EVEN TOLD THEM HOW TO STYLE IT AND WHAT TO DO, WHAT NOT TO DO. SHE WAS PRETTY AMAZING. SHE WAS AMAZING, HUH? DO YOU WANT TO GO GET SOME SUSHI FROM THE BAR? WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! EASY, SCARECROW! SHE'S GOTTA BULK UP! PORK CHOPS! LAMB CHOPS! TRI-TIP! UH... LET'S GO GET OUR BEEF ON? (CHUCKLES) YEAH? (SIGHS) UH-OH. I THINK SOMEONE NEW CAME TO DINNER. A FLYING BABY NAMED CUPID. MM-HM. MM-HM. (IMITATES FLYING ARROW) OH, CU-PING! AW! YOU GOT ME! (GROANS) (MIMICS STABBING) (GIGGLES) NOW WE'RE BOTH IN LOVE. (BOTH CHUCKLE) (RETCHES) WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT'S THE MATTER? I JUST LOOKED AT MY DAUGHTER, AND I DIDN'T REALLY RECOGNISE HER. KINDA THREW ME OFF FOR A MINUTE. WELL, SHE'S 15, YOU KNOW? SHE'S BOUND TO GROW UP AT SOME POINT. I KNOW. CALL ME CRAZY, I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE THAT WOULD BE MY DECISION COS SHE'S MY KID! OK! AWKWARD MOMENT. UNCOMFORTABLE. TENSION. I'M LEAVIN' THE TABLE. WHO'S WITH ME? ME. ME, ME, ME. I'M GOING. FINE. WOW. WHOA. I JUST-- CAN I ASK YA? WHAT MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD TART UP MY DAUGHTER WITHOUT MY PERMISSION? YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY. I AM. I JUST FIND IT HYPOCRITICAL FROM SOMEONE WHO NEARLY KILLED MY SON. OH, SO IT WAS GETTING EVEN? IS THAT IT? NO, IT'S NOT GETTING EVEN, BUT I JUST-- OH MY GOD. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL. RIGHT. WITH THAT PAGEBOY PRINCE VALIANT HAIRCUT YOU GAVE HER AND THE TRACKSUIT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! SHE LOOKED VERY NICE WITH THAT HAIRCUT. DYING ON THE INSIDE TO COME OUT! HER MOTHER WAS TOMBOYISH AT HER AGE, AND THAT WAS FINE WITH ME. YOU KNEW YOUR WIFE WHEN SHE WAS 15? I KNEW MY WIFE WHEN I WAS 13. I HAD A CRUSH ON HER. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE LIKED ME BACK. I WAS 90% GOOFY AND 10% LOSER. WELL, I WAS 60% URKEL AND 40% SCREECH. PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY ` IF I DIDN'T HAVE BRACES, MY TEETH WOULD BE HITTING YOU RIGHT NOW. (LAUGHS) I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU. I FEEL LIKE A JERK BECAUSE I PUT YOUR KID ON A GOONEY BIRD AND I DIDN'T ASK YOUR PERMISSION AND, AND, UH-- NO, BUT LISTEN. YOU'RE RIGHT. I NEED TO LET GO OF THE REINS A LITTLE BIT. I JUST WANT TO SAY ON BEHALF OF THATHOO HOW HAPPY WE ARE TO SEE YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS FINALLY BLENDING. Chuckling NO, WE'RE NOT BLENDING. WE WERE JUST HAVING A CONVERSATION. JUST HAPPY WE HAVEN'T KILLED EACH OTHER YET. # YES, YES, YOU ARE BLENDING. # BLENDING, BLENDING. # THEY'RE FINALLY BLENDING, BLENDING, BLENDING. # YES, YOU'LL BE TOUCHING. HE DOESN'T-- WE DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT EACH OTHER! # LIKE WINE AND BOBOTIE. OK. ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO GET OUR BEEF ON! # AND LIKE MALVA PUDDING. OH. I THINK THEY'RE BLENDING OVER THERE! COME NOW! COME NOW! THEY'RE BLENDING OVER HERE! # BLENDING. # Lou: DADDY, LOOK! OH! Jim: HEY! Brendan: OH, THAT IS SO COOL! (HOT WATER'S "WAMKELEKILE") (LAUGHING) WHOO-HOO! WHAT? I THOUGHT I SAW AN EAGLE. I SAW A CAMEL! (LAUGHS) Jake: HEY, HILARY. UH, YOU WANNA COME IN OUR TRUCK? SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN YOUR COFFIN? THE SUN'S OUT RIGHT NOW. TAKE A WALK, HOMES. EH, EH, EH, YO, YO. GO AHEAD. (GASPS) (GAGS) OH MY GOD. (HILARY LAUGHS) LOOK, CHILDREN. THE BUSH PIG HAS LOST ITS PARENTS, SO IT IS BEING CARED FOR BY MAMA AND PAPA LION. EVEN IN NATURE, THERE ARE BLENDED FAMILIES. THAT'S NICE. AW. Eddy: THAT'S SWEET. (LIONS ROAR, PIG SQUEALS) (SCREAMS) I MAY HAVE MISREAD THAT SITUATION. YOU THINK SO, BUDDY?! (ALL YELLING INDISTINCTLY) (UPBEAT DRUM MUSIC PLAYS) (WHISTLING) Hilary: YEAH, LAUREN! YEAH, BABY! NO! Brendan: YOU CAN DO IT, MOM! GO LAUREN! GO LAUREN! WHOA! ("WAMKELEKILE" CONTINUES) YEAH! EMOTIONAL. JESUS. TIME PASSING. CHANGES. (SIGHS) IT'S-- IT'S-- IT'S HARD. YOU GOTTA LET IT GO. TURNING THE PAGE. MOVIN' ON. SHE WAS A LITTLE KID JUST A-- PROCESSING IT. ACCEPTING IT. MM-HM. THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. PAINFUL, THOUGH. IT HURTS, RIGHT? NAH. NOT FOR ME. I GOT A BOY. BUT YOU'RE IN THE SHITHOUSE. THANKS. Mfana: Laughing WHOO! HA! THE VIEW IS SPLENDID! UBANI OMUNYE OZAYO? WHICH MEAN "WHO'S NEXT?"! (LAUGHS) PLEASE, MOM?! WHAT? THAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? NO. IF MFANA CAN DO IT, I COULD DO IT. IT'S TOTALLY SAFE. THERE IS NO WAY I'M GOING TO LET YOU DO THAT. UNLESS I TRY IT FIRST AND MAKE SURE YOU CAN HANDLE IT. YEAH. YES! YEAH! COOL! YOUR MOM IS GONNA DO IT. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. YOU ARE IN TIGHT. YOU GOT 50-GAUGE WEBBING HERE. POSSIBLY MALARIA IS THE ONLY THING YOU GOTTA THINK ABOUT. DON'T SWALLOW ANYTHING WEIRD UP THERE. OK. WHAT HAPPENS IF, LIKE, I WANNA SIGNAL FOR HELP, OR, UH, LIKE, IF I DECIDE TO CHANGE MY (Rising pitch) MIND! OH, YEAH, BABY! YOU LOOK GOOD! OH MY GOD! I CHANGE MY MIND! I CHANGE MY MIND! (CHEERING) THAT'S AWESOME! ARGH! ARGH! ARGH... OH! OH! WOW! OH MY GOD! IT'S BEAUTIFUL! GO, MAMA, GO! WHOO! OH! OH! THERE ARE GIRAFFES! JIM, THERE ARE GIRAFFES RIGHT THERE! I CAN SEE THEM! WELL, SAY HELLO FOR ME! (LAUGHS) OH WOW! (GASPS) OH, THIS IS SO PRETTY! (LAUGHING) OH MY GOD! ELEPHANTS! ELEPHANTS! OH! (HOWLING) THATTA GIRL! WHY IS SHE SCREAMING? SHE'S NOT SCREAMING. SHE'S HOWLING. SHE'S HAVING FUN. (HOWLING) (ALL HOWLING) LOOKIN' GOOD UP THERE, BABY! FLY, MRS THORPOPOLIS! FLY LIKE THE WIND! (LAUGHS) TYLER! YOU'VE GOTTA TRY THIS! (ENGINE SPUTTERS) WHY YOU SLOWING DOWN?! WE'RE OUT OF GAS. YOU'RE OUT OF GAS?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! UH, WE USED TO HAVE GAS. BUT NOW WE'RE OUT. (LAUREN HOWLING) OH! OH! OH MY GOD! WHAT'S HAPPENING? JIM! WE'RE OUT OF GAS! WHAT?! OH NO. OH. OH MY GOD! NO! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! DON'T WORRY! MY DAD'S GONNA COME UP WITH A PLAN! WHAT'S THE PLAN?! LOOK FOR A GAS STATION. YOU SUCK. WHY DID I LET YOU TALK ME INTO THIS?! LISTEN TO ME! WHEN YOU GET CLOSE TO THE GROUND, START RUNNING FAST! I HAVE THE LEGS OF A CORGI DOG! IT DOESN'T MATTER RIGHT NOW! MOVE THOSE LITTLE BABIES! YOU CANNOT LET YOUR KIDS SEE YOU DIE LIKE THIS! (SCREAMING) GO! GO! GO! GO! NOW! GET THOSE LEGS GOIN'! (ALL CHEER) OH MY GOD! RHINO! (ALL YELLING) NO! SPREAD 'EM! OH MY GOD! SPREAD THE LEGS! HER BAGINA! (THUDS) OW! YEAH! (GRUNTS) (LAUGHTER) GO, GO, GO, GO, GO! DAD! (SNORES) You're retired, so these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. You work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: 1 (DRUMS BEATING) (EXHALES SHARPLY) WHEW! AH. I DIDN'T HAVE YOU PEGGED FOR THE MASSAGE TYPE OF GUY. IT'S THE FIRST MASSAGE I'LL EVER DO IN MY LIFE. I HAVE TO. TO SEE IF THEY CAN RUB MY PANCREAS OUT OF MY NECK. MY GOD. YOU'RE WELCOME, BY THE WAY. (SMACKS LIPS) FOR WHAT? "FOR WHAT?" FOR SAVING YOU. YOU DIDN'T SAVE ME. YOU TOLD ME TO KEEP RUNNING. OH MY GOD. I DID. WHY DIDN'T YOU CATCH ME? I WAS SUPPOSED TO CATCH YOU? WHO AM I, BATMAN? COMIN' AT ME LIKE 700 MILES AN HOUR. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WEIGHIN' ABOUT A BUCK FIFTY. THE INERTIA WOULD RIP MY ARMS OFF MY BODY. YES. THAT'S ME. I WEIGH A BUCK FIFTY. IF I'M HOLDING YOUR LEFT ASS CHEEK. (LAUGHS) I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOMEN WEIGH. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. MM-HM. HAVE A NICE MASSAGE. WE'LL SEE. Woman: ALL RIGHT. NOW DO THE SAME ON YOUR PARTNER WHILE MAKING SURE TO CONTINUE TO LOOK DEEPLY INTO EACH OTHERS' EYES. (ALL MOANING) WHAT IS THIS? A SCENE OUT OF "THE DOORS"? I` I` I DON'T KNOW. UH-UH, I-- MA'AM? YEAH. I-I BOOKED A MASSAGE. YES. YOU'VE BOOKED FOR THE ART OF COUPLES MASSAGE. OH! ACTUALLY THERE WAS AN AVALANCHE IN MY YARD, SO I` I JUST GOT A CALL FROM MY BABYSITTER AND THERE'S` ...WAS COMIN' TO MY-- ...AN EMER-- COME ON! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU GUYS NEED. WE'LL FORM A MASSAGE TRAIN. I'LL BE THE CABOOSE. UNACCEPTABLE. Chuckling I'M JOKIN'. (IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE SOFTLY) (GIGGLES) JOIN US. NO, NO, MA'AM, SERIOUSLY-- I'M SO GOOD. I-- I THINK YOU SHOULD. THIS WAY. AND... THERE YOU GO. OH MY GOD. (Grunting) OW! LIKE THAT. THERE. I... I GUESS. OK! LET'S, UH, LOOSEN THINGS UP BY STROKING YOUR LOVER'S NECK. (SMACKS LIPS) OK. COME ON, NOW. DON'T BE BASHFUL. GIVE YOURSELF OVER TO THE PLEASURE OF YOUR LOVING PARTNER'S TOUCH. YEAH. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) (CHUCKLES) HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? Tightly OW. REMEMBER TO KEEP THE TOUCH SOFT, UH? LIGHTLY BRUSH YOUR FINGERS AGAINST HER SKIN. (SCOFFS) IT'S SO... OH GOD! WHAT'S HAPPENING?! IS THERE A BUG ON ME?! (CHUCKLING) NO. THERE'S NO BUG. I WAS JUST... TRYIN' TO GET... SOME SKIN, LIKE SHE SAID. WELL, THAT HURTS THE JUGULAR. I WON'T DO IT. I'M SORRY. I` I` I DON'T KNOW... HOW TO GIVE YOU A... (ALL MOANING) OK, SO... (MOANS) THERE YOU GO. OH. THAT'S ACTUALLY REALLY NICE. (CHUCKLES) GOOD. OH GOD. OH. I FEEL LIKE I'M RELAXING. IT'S JUST-- OH, IT'S WONDERFUL. EXCUSE ME. AM I GONNA GET SOME SORTA RUB ACTION HERE OR DOES THE GUY DO ALL THE WORK IN AFRICA? VERY FUNNY, MR MOPTOPOLIS. (CHUCKLES) BUT HE'S RIGHT. LADIES, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO JOIN IN. AS YOUR PARTNER MOVES DOWN TO YOUR SHOULDERS, REACH OUT AND TOUCH HIS EARS. GENTLY RUB THE LOBES BETWEEN YOUR THUMB AND INDEX FINGER AS IF YOU WERE RUBBING THE MORNING DEW OFF A FLOWER PETAL. UH-HUH. ARE THESE YOUR FLOWER PETALS? YES. NOW RUB THE DEW. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) DO THE DEW. I'D BE DOING YOU A REALLY BIG FAVOUR IF I JUST YANKED THESE GOOFY THINGS RIGHT OFF. OH, JUST SH-SH-SHUT UP, SCHLUMPY SHOULDERS. I DO HAVE SCHLUMPY SHOULDERS. NO, YOU DON'T. THEY'RE VERY NICE. THEY'RE VERY NICE. I DO. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HELPS IF-- IF Y-- IF YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR POSTURE? HERE, JUST LIFT YOUR ARMS A LITTLE BIT. WATCH, I'LL SHOW YOU. UH-HUH. UH-HUH. ALL RIGHT. ARGH! (LAUGHS) GOD. FEELS VERY GOOD. YOU HAVE NICE SHOULDERS. REALLY? NO, YOU REALLY HAVE A LOT OF MUSCLE. EH, NO. NOT AS MUCH AS YOU. FROM CARRYING THAT KID AROUND AND SMASHING HIS HEAD. (EDDY GRUNTS) Ginger: OH, YEAH! WORK 'EM. MR WERNICK. THOSE ARE NOT YOUR WIFE'S SHOULDERS. BUSTED! (GIGGLES) LOVIN' IT, THOUGH. RESPECT THE VISION. I GET IT. GOTTA GO FOR IT, RIGHT? YOU DO! (SIGHS) High-pitched voice WHOA! (INHALES) MM, THAT WAS SO RELAXING. (CHUCKLES) YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I HOPE I PUT YOUR PANCREAS BACK WHERE IT BELONGS. Chuckling I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE IT IS RIGHT NOW. (GINGER AND EDDY GIGGLING) Eddy: ARE YOU MY SEXY LITTLE WORMHOLE? Ginger: YEAH, I'M YOUR SEXY LITTLE WORMHOLE! (GRUNTS) SEXY-- (BOTH CHUCKLE) (SIGHS) THEY HAVE FUN. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) THAT'S VERY PRETTY. (GIGGLES) (INHALES DEEPLY) YOU WERE-- YOU WERE VERY NICE. THANK YOU. (CHUCKLES) OH, YOU KNOW. YOU'RE A STRONG WOMAN. STRONG HANDS. I'M GLAD YOU LIKE MY HANDS. DADDY? CAN LAUREN PUT ME TO BED? SWEETHEART, DADDY WILL PUT YOU TO BED IN ONE SECOND. BUT I WANT LAUREN. LAUREN W-- ANOTHER TIME, LAUREN WILL DO THAT. Whining BUT I WANT HER TO PUT ME TO BED TONIGHT. AND DADDY SAID NO. (GRUNTS PETULANTLY) NO. (GRUNTS PETULANTLY) NO! (GRUNTS PETULANTLY) NO! Growling I WANT LAUREN. Growling I'M FLATTERED. (LAUGHS) THAT'S GOOD. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT. OK. HOW'S THAT? ARE YOU ALL COSY NOW? YES. DADDY? CAN YOU GIVE US SOME ALONE TIME? I COULD GO TO THE BATHROOM OUTSIDE. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? YOU GOT IT. THROWN OUT OF MY OWN TENT. I OWN HIM. IT SEEMS THAT WAY. CAN YOU RUB MY HEAD SO I HAVE GOOD DREAMS? OF COURSE. WHAT A CUTE LITTLE HEAD! (JIM URINATING) Whining EW. COULDN'T GO A LITTLE FURTHER FROM THE TENT? (SCOFFS) WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? THERE COULD BE GORILLAS OUT HERE, READY TO KILL. (URINATING STOPS, RESUMES, STOPS, RESUMES) WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GET THEM TO GIVE YOU SOME FLOMAX OR SOMETHING? YEP, GETTIN' OLDER. I'LL GIVE YOU THAT. CAN YOU SING TO ME? UM, SURE. WHAT SHOULD I SING? # SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW, # WAY UP HIGH. # WAY UP HIGH. # THERE'S A LAND THAT I HEARD OF # ONCE IN A LULLABY. # SOMEDAY I'LL WISH UPON A STAR # AND WAKE UP WHERE THE CLOUDS ARE FAR BEHIND ME, # WHERE TROUBLES MELT LIKE LEMON DROPS. # AWAY ABOVE THE CHIMNEY TOPS, # THAT'S WHERE # YOU'LL FIND ME. # THERE'S A GORILLA RIGHT THERE! (SCREAMS) (CHUCKLING) I'M JUST KIDDING! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY, I JUST-- I COULDN'T HANDLE HOW EMOTIONAL IT WAS GETTING. I JUST-- Chuckling I'M SO-- GET SOME REST. I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT TO YOU. 1 (APPLAUSE) Jim: SO, GET IN YOUR STANCE. THAT'S RIGHT. AND SPREAD YOUR LEGS JUST A LITTLE BIT. LIKE AN INCH. ELBOW UP. IT'S ALL ABOUT BALANCE. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. KEEP YOUR WEIGHT RIGHT THERE. HOW DO YOU EVEN PLAY CRICKET? WE'RE NOT PLAYING CRICKET. WE'RE PLAYING BASEBALL. THE ONLY THING AT THE HOTEL THEY HAD WAS THIS STUPID... BATTLE THINGAMAJIGGY. WHO'S THAT GUY? HE'S SOME GUY NAMED DALE. UH, HE'LL BE PITCHIN' TO YA. YEAH, IN CRICKET WE DON'T PITCH, WE BOWL. HEY, DALE. HOW MUCH AM I PAYIN' YA? FIVE BROOKLYN T-SHIRTS FROM YOUR SPORTING GOODS STORE. OK, I'M GONNA MAKE IT FOUR IF YOU CORRECT ME AGAIN. ALL RIGHT, DALE. PITCH-- OR BOWL ONE IN. (EXHALES SHARPLY) I STINK AT THIS. NO, IT'S NOT YOU. IT'S NOT YOU. DALE, YOU THINK MAYBE YOU CAN REACH THE PLATE? THAT WOULD HELP. ACTUALLY, IN CRICKET WE BOUNCE THE-- I'LL TRY. I'LL TRY. ALL RIGHT. ELBOW UP. COME ON. GET THERE. I DON'T WANNA DO THIS! HEY, HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? YOU DON'T THROW YOUR BAT. OR WHATEVER THIS THING IS CALLED. A BAT. THANK YOU. YOU'RE AN ATHLETE. YOU'RE A SPORTSMAN. YOU GOTTA RESPECT YOUR EQUIPMENT. (SIGHS) YES, SIR. WE AIN'T LEAVING HERE TILL YOU HIT THE BALL AS GOOD AS YOU RIDE AN OSTRICH. PICK UP THE BAT. HEY. I KNOW YOU'RE UP THERE ALL ALONE. IT'S SCARY. YOU FEEL LIKE ALL THE PRESSURE'S ON YOU. BUT GUESS WHAT? THE PRESSURE IS ON HIM. DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE'S FEELING THE PRESSURE. OH, HE'S FEELING IT ALL RIGHT. HE DOESN'T THINK HE CAN GET THE BALL PAST YA. I WANT YA TO LOOK HIM RIGHT IN THE EYES AND LET HIM KNOW YOU OWN HIM. GO AHEAD. THAT'S IT, BIG TIME. GIVE HIM THE STINK EYE. (GROWLS) WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM? (SCOFFS) WELL, LOOK AT THAT. YOU RATTLED HIM. OK. DALE, PITCH IT IN IF YA GOT THE GUTS. WHOA! YES! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I KILLED IT! LET'S DO IT A HUNDRED MORE TIMES. IF I HIT LIKE THAT, MY DAD'S GONNA START COMIN' TO MY GAMES. WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE? JIM JUST TAUGHT ME HOW TO MAKE THE PITCHER MY BITCH. UH-UH-UH-UH-UH. MY BROTHER DOESN'T NEED YOU TO TEACH HIM HOW TO HIT! OK. YOU WANNA SHOW HIM HOW TO DO IT? LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. I DON'T NEED TO PROVE ANYTHING TO YOU, D-BAG. DALE, DID HE REALLY JUST CALL ME A D-BAG? THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL. Brendan: I'M GONNA KILL YOU. Jim: OK, WE'LL SEE. LET'S GET YOUR GLOVES UP. FACE PROTECTED. KICK HIS ASS, BRENDAN! WHAT'S THAT? KICK HIS ASS, JIM! UH-HUH. (GRUNTS) WHOA! WHOA, WHOA. YOU SEE, YOU GOTTA-- YOU GOTTA LOOK AT YOUR TARGET. HOW 'BOUT I PUT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABYSITTER ON MY FACE? WILL YOU LOOK AT IT THEN? HUH? (GRUNTS) OH! OH, YEAH, YEAH. JUST LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS! USE YOUR RIGHT HAND. YOU'RE BETTER WITH THAT ONE, AREN'T YOU? (GRUNTING) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. BOOM. OW. OH! YOU SEEM PISSED AT ME. YOU JUST HIT ME! NO! BEFORE THAT. BEFORE THAT, LIKE WHEN WE FIRST MET. JUST THINK THAT MY MOM COULD DO BETTER. FIRST OF ALL, SHE CAN'T DO BETTER, COS NO ONE'S BETTER THAN ME. I AM THE GREATEST. SECONDLY, I THINK IT'S NICE THAT YOU WANNA PROTECT YOUR MOMMY. I HATE YOU! (GRUNTS) OH! OH. WHOA, WHOA. WHOA, WHOA. CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN. THAT WAS GOOD, THOUGH. SHOWIN' A LITTLE SOMETHIN' IN THERE. LISTEN,... BEING A MAN AIN'T ABOUT PISSIN' AND MOANIN' ANY TIME SOMETHIN'S BOTHERIN' YOU. IT'S ABOUT DEALIN' WITH WHAT'S IN FRONT OF YOU. SO DEAL WITH ME. (GRUNTS) YOU... ARE YOU OK? Panting THAT WAS SNEAKY. BUT I'M FINE. DOES THAT MAKE ME A MAN, NOW, JIMBO? NO. ASKIN' ME IF I WAS OK, THAT WAS A START. # THEY ARE BLENDING. # THEY'RE BLENDING AND BONDING THEY'RE BLENDING AND BONDING. # THEY ARE BONDING. # THEY'RE BLENDING AND BONDING AND LEARNING... YEAH, THAT'S GREAT. DIDN'T KNOW YOU GUYS WORKED OUT TOGETHER, BUT IT MAKES SENSE. # WHEN ONE PERSON MEETS ANOTHER. # THEY'RE BLENDING AND BONDING. # BLENDING AND BONDING. # COME TOGETHER. # BLENDING AND BONDING. # OH, THEY ARE BLENDING. # (VOCALISING AS BED VIBRATES) AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED? Tyler: Voice vibrating THE BOWLER THREW IT, AND I HIT IT, LIKE, A MILE AWAY. Voice vibrating: YEAH. AND THEN JIM TAUGHT ME HOW TO BOX. AND AFTER FIVE MINUTES, I BASICALLY KNOCKED HIM OUT. YEAH! WELL, THAT WAS NICE OF HIM. KINDA WORKED OUT WELL, THEY CAME ON THIS TRIP. YES, IT DID. (BOTH VOCALISING) (GASPS) Jen: LAUREN, YOU LOOKED SO HOT IN THIS DRESS, I HAD TO BUY IT FOR YOU. AND BY 'BUY,' I MEAN 'STEAL.' (CHUCKLES) HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN ON MY VACATION. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) SO, ITS-- ITS TONGUE WAS RIDICULOUS. (CHUCKLES) IT GOT ME, LIKE, ALL OVER. IT WAS, LIKE, IN BALLS. THEY WERE LIKE-- (GROWLS) OH! LIKE A STICK-- LIKE A STEM. LIKE-- LIKE A STEM GOING AGAINST EACH OTHER, HEAD-TO-HEAD. Hilary: DAD. DID YOU COMB YOUR HAIR? NO. GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER LIKE THIS, I GUESS. YOU TOOK A SHOWER? I SHOWER! I'M ALLOWED TO SHOWER. MY GOD. I HAVEN'T TAKEN A SHOWER SINCE WE GOT HERE. I KNOW. YOU STINK. I LOVE IT. YEAH, I STINK BAD. YEAH, YOU STINK REAL BAD. YOUR BREATH SMELLS TERRIBLE. (BOTH EXHALING) WHERE'S LAUREN? # I'M EVERY WOMAN, IT'S ALL IN ME. # I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW, EVERY ONE FROM "A" TO "Z". # # I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU LIKE YOU WANT ME TO. # AND I'LL HOLD YOU TIGHT. # # IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. # IT'S THE END... # # I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT, # THE TASTE OF HER CHERRY CHAPSTICK. # I KISSED A GIRL... # WOW. LOOK AT MOM. Singsong voice: HELLO. DAD! SAY SOMETHING TO HER. YES, YES. YOU LOOK VERY, VERY NICE. OH, WELL, THANK YOU. YOU SHOWERED. AM I REALLY KNOWN AS (Chuckling) THE NON-SHOWER GUY? I SHOWER ALL THE TIME, GUYS. (LAUGHS) Nickens: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,... DON'T LISTEN TO HER, OK? ...IT'S THE FINAL NIGHT OF OUR BLENDED FAMILY EXPERIENCE HERE IN AFRICA. (CROWD BOOS) BOO! OUR TRADITION IS TO INVITE THE KIDDIES TO THE POOL AREA FOR OUR FAMOUS KIDS-ONLY SAFARI BUFFET AND 10FT CHOCOLATE RAIN FOREST FOUNTAIN! CAN WE GO, DAD?! ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD. STAY WITH YOUR SISTERS, THOUGH. OOH! MY BOY HERE'S A CHOCOHOLIC. YOU BETTER WATCH OUT. OR HE'S GONNA JUMP IN AND COME OUT LOOKIN' LIKE A HANDSOME HERSHEY BAR. (EDDY LAUGHS) DID YOU SEE THAT? I MADE HIM SMILE. HE TRIED NOT TO, BUT HE COULDN'T HELP HIMSELF. WE'RE GONNA BE A GREAT FAMILY. YES, WE ARE. LOVE YOU. ALL OF THE LITTLE ONES HAVE GONE. TONIGHT THE DINING ROOM IS... Deep voice ADULTS-ONLY. (CROWD OOHS) YEAH, NOW WE'RE GETTIN' THERE. LET'S HAVE ALL YOU BLENDED LOVERS ON THE DANCE FLOOR. (SINGERS HARMONISING) # LOVE IS A MANY BLENDED THING. # IT'S THE APRIL ROSE # THAT ONLY GROWS... IT'S CRAZY, HUH? THE SONG. HE TOOK THE WORD "SPLENDID" AND REPLACED IT WITH "BLENDED." SO CLEVER. IT RHYMES! BUT THE REAL WORD IS "SPLENDORED." SO WOULDN'T IT BE "BLENDORED"? WHAT'S THIS NOW? (CHUCKLES) I'M JUST RAMBLING. I'M SORRY. WHAT--? (LAUGHS) ARE YOU READY, MR CHIAPETOLIS? "CHIAPETOLIS"? ALL RIGHT. THAT WAS-- HE FINALLY GOT IT. (LAUGHS) READY FOR WHAT? YOU SCHEDULED A STAR-GAZING EXPERIENCE. SO,... MRS CHIAPETOLIS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME JOIN ME? OH. YEAH. ALL RIGHT. # ONCE HIGH ON A WINDY HILL # OR TWO HILLS, THAT'S GOOD # ON A MORNING MIST... # TWO LOVERS KISS... (LAUGHING) JUST A LITTLE BIT FARTHER. OK. ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU. (CHUCKLES) HERE WE ARE. DINNER FOR TWO. OH YEAH. WOW. IT'S GOOD. I GOTTA GIVE IT UP TO DICK. HE'S PROBABLY THE MOST ROMANTIC GUY ON THE PLANET. YEAH, HE'S GOT THE MOVES. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. (GASPS) I BET THIS IS WHERE HE WAS GONNA ASK JEN TO MARRY HIM. MAYBE. WE WERE ABLE TO GET EVERYTHING YOU ASKED FOR THIS MORNING, EXCEPT THE STICKS OF CHEESE IN THE SHAPE OF A HEART. SHH, SHH! CHEESE STICKS? DID YOU SET THIS UP? I WANTED A DO-OVER. FOR THAT FIRST DATE FIASCO. I'M BETTER THAN THAT. IZITHANDANE ZIYAFUNA UKUBA MUNYE MFANA NGOMOYA NAGEMIZA. WHICH MEANS, "LOVERS LONG FOR THE MOMENT "THEIR SOULS MAY BLEND IN A WHISPER." MM. MAY THIS BE YOUR MOMENT. DID YOU EAT PORK CHOPS WITH... TUNA FISH TODAY AT LUNCH? YES, I DID. I CAN TELL. APOLOGIES. I WILL BRUSH MY TEETH PRESENTLY, MR LOLLIPOPOLIS. I'D BRUSH 'EM TWICE. AND DID YOU REALLY Laughing CALL ME "LOLLIPOPOLIS"? (LAUGHTER) IT'S THEODOPOLIS. JUST FOR THE RECORD. I KNOW. I JUST LIKE TO HAVE FUN. JIM FRIEDMAN. WHA--? WHOA! WHAT?! THAT WAS GOOD. THANK YOU, MFANA. Nickens: # ...BE MY ENDLESS LOVE. # HOW 'BOUT THATHOO SHOWIN' UP EVERYWHERE? THEY WERE IN MY SHOWER THIS MORNIN'. I HAD A VERY NICE TIME WITH THEM TOO. THERE SHE IS. OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH. HEY, BUBBLES. NICE WIGGLE, BUT YOU GREW A TAIL. HERE'S LOOKIN' AT YOU. UH-HUH. NO, REALLY. LOOKING AT YOU, COS YOU'RE ACTUALLY LOOKING AT ME THIS TIME. YOU... HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL... KIDS. OH, THANK YOU. SURE. (CLEARS THROAT) YOU'RE A GREAT MOM, TOO. YOU'RE A PRETTY GOOD MOM YOURSELF. I'LL TAKE THAT. TYLER HAS A PLAYOFF GAME ON SATURDAY,... (INHALES) YEAH? ...AND I THINK THAT... FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME, HE WON'T ACTUALLY BE COMPLETELY DREADING IT, THANKS TO YOU. TELL YOUR, UH-- HIS FATHER, THE MORE HE WORKS WITH HIM, THE MORE HE'S GONNA GET CONFIDENT, THE MORE HE'S GONNA BELT THE BALL ANYTIME HE GETS UP THERE. YEAH, WELL, HIS DAD'S NOT REALLY INTO WORKING WITH HIM, YOU KNOW, COS TO DO THAT, HE'D HAVE TO SHOW UP, WHICH HE'S JUST... (SIGHS) NOT GOOD AT. YOU GOTTA SHOW UP FOR YOUR KIDS. IT SHOULD BE BORING HOW... RELIABLE A PARENT IS. I... IT'S FUNNY TO ME THAT SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET THAT. YOU DO! I MEAN, YOUR KID NEEDS TO COME FIRST 100% OF THE TIME. ABSOLUTELY. 99%. 1% OF THE TIME, I THINK WE ARE ALLOWED TO GET WHAT WE WANT. AH, GOD. I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO WANT SOMETHING. I VAGUELY REMEMBER IT... FEELS GOOD. I CAN'T DO THIS. I CAN'T DO THIS. I'M SORRY. I REALLY-- I'M-- I'M... IT'S NOT YOU. (INHALES SHARPLY) I THOUGHT I COULD DO THIS. I JUST-- ("CARELESS WHISPER" PLAYS) SORRY ABOUT THEM TOO. THEY'RE STILL AWESOME. SORRY I DID THAT TO YA. HE DIDN'T KISS YOU? HE'S AN IDIOT. ALTHOUGH, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, THE MONKEYS PLAYING THE VIOLINS AND STUFF? Chuckling THAT IS HILARIOUS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WE BOTH FOUND THESE GREAT GUYS AND WE'RE NOT GONNA END UP WITH THEM. (CELL PHONE RINGS) ARE YOU GONNA GET THAT? HI. IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME RIGHT NOW. (CHUCKLES) YEAH. I "L" WORD YOU SO HARD. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I AM GONNA MAKE "L" WORD TO YOU FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR AND A HALF. (GIGGLES) Chuckling OK. HMM. THAT WAS MY MOM. AND SHE'S DOING GOOD. (SIGHS) ALL RIGHT. I'M GIVING DICK ANOTHER CHANCE. TO DO WHAT? GET RID OF HIS KIDS? I'M GONNA MEET HIS CHILDREN. (SCOFFS) YOU SHOULD TRY SAYING THAT WITHOUT CONTORTING YOUR FACE SO MUCH. I'M GONNA MEET HIS CHILDREN. (CHUCKLES) BETTER. I'M SORRY ABOUT JIM. ME TOO. (SIGHS) WHY DIDN'T YOU KISS HER, MAN? I COULDN'T. I JUST... I WAS AFRAID IT WASN'T THE RIGHT THING TO DO. WHAT DID AFRICA DO TO YOU? (CRYING) Lou: OW! Jim: THAT DOESN'T HURT. STOP. OW! I'M TRYING MY BEST. JUST SIT STILL. DOES IT LOOK PRETTY? IT LOOKS FANTASTIC. YEAH. YAY. (HILARY LAUGHING) NO. YOU LOOK NICE. OH, THANKS. WHERE YOU OFF TO? OH, I'M GOIN' ON A DATE WITH JAKE. HOW CAN YOU GO OUT WITH JAKE? HE LIVES IN VANCOUVER. HI, MR FRIEDMAN. YAY THERE, SKELETOR. LISTEN, MAKE SURE PLENTY OF BEEF. SERIOUSLY. SHE'S GOT TRY-OUTS THIS WEEK. LAMB CHOPS, PORK CHOPS, TRI-TIPS. YOU GOT IT. THAT'S THE WAY. GARBAGE TWISTIES? I-I DON'T KNOW HOW TO-- YOU'RE AWFUL. JUST FIX IT, THEN. SO, WHEN ARE WE GONNA SEE LAUREN AGAIN? SOMETHING HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU GUYS. NO. WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY? NOTHIN' HAPPENED. DAD, COME ON. I SAW THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT HER, AND I SAW THE WAY SHE LOOKED AT YOU. IT'S UNDENIABLE. YOU GUYS ARE INFATUATED WITH EACH OTHER. JAKE, BUTT OUT. SORRY, SIR. DON'T YOU GUYS HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN LOOK AT PEOPLE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER? BESIDES, WHA-WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? CHANGE OUR WHOLE LIVES JUST BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH HER? YES! WOW. (GINGER SQUEALS) SO ROMANTIC! LOVIN' IT! TAKIN' A RISK. GO GET HER, BABY! I KNOW I CONFUSED YOU. I JUST-- I HAD TO MAKE SURE. FOR MY WIFE AND FOR MY KIDS. AND FOR YOUR KIDS. AND FOR YOU. AND... JUST SO WE HAVE NO LIES. IT WAS ME WHO DRANK YOUR BEER AT HOOTERS. I DUNNO WHY I DID THAT. I GET FREE BEERS THERE, SO IT WAS JUST PANIC, THEN. (DOORBELL RINGS) YEAH? THIS IS 323, RIGHT? YEAH. I WAS LOOKIN' FOR L-LAUREN. YOU AND ME BOTH. Tyler: JIM! BIG TIME! LOOK AT YOU! MOM'S NOT HOME. THIS IS MY DAD. MARK. YEAH. WHO ARE YOU? JIM! THE COOL GUY FROM THE SAFARI. DO YOU WANNA "BOWL" ME A FEW PITCHES? UH, I'M SURE YOUR FATHER WANTS TO DO THAT WITH YA. MM. NO, HE DOESN'T. NO, NO, NO, NO. GO GET YOUR BAT, BIG TIME. HEY! WE CAN ALL PLAY! I'LL GET BRENDAN'S GLOVE. HE NEVER USES IT. BOY, HE HASN'T SHUT UP ABOUT THAT AFRICA TRIP. YOUR KIDS ARE... INCREDIBLE. YEAH. THAT'S WHY LAUREN AND I ARE, YOU KNOW, TRYING TO MAKE THINGS WORK AGAIN. FOR THEM. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. YEAH. I'LL TELL HER YOU CAME BY. AND, UH,... I'LL PUT THESE IN THE BEDROOM... NEXT TO WHERE WE MAKE LOVE. OK. TELL, UH, TYLER I SAID GOODBYE. WHERE'S JIM GOIN'? HE HAD STUFF TO DO, I GUESS. CAN YOU AND ME PLAY, THEN? YEAH, OF CO-- (CELL PHONE RINGS) OOH! SAVED BY THE BELL. HEY, WHAT'S UP? YOU BUSY? (ENGINE TURNS OVER) HI. OH! HI. Chuckling IS THERE A GQ PHOTO SHOOT GOING ON HERE? NO-- OH, NO. I'M JUST, UH... I'M JUST CHILLIN'. I'M SORRY THAT TOOK SO LONG. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING AFTER THE BOYS. I'M DONE NOW AND I'M GUESSING YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE YOU GOTTA GO, SO... HOW DO YOU ALWAYS LOOK SO GREAT? YEAH? IT'S MY HAVEN'T-WASHED-MY-HAIR IN-THREE-DAYS LOOK. THANKS FOR NOTICING. (CHUCKLES) YOU'RE SO FUNNY. IT'S HARD FOR ME TO IMAGINE YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE. REALLY?! IT WASN'T HARD FOR YOU TO IMAGINE YOURSELF WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHEN YOU CHEATED ON ME. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY, YOU ALWAYS BRING IT BACK TO THAT. I COULD SAY, "HEY, LOOK AT THAT HOUSE." AND YOU'D SAY, "OH, WE LIVED IN A HOUSE WHEN YOU CHEATED ON ME." OR I COULD SAY, "PASS THAT PICKLE." AND YOU COULD SAY-- SOMETHING ABOUT A PICKLE AND YOU CHEATING ON ME. (BOTH CHUCKLE) IT'S FUN TO LAUGH WITH YOU AGAIN, LAUREN. WE USED TO DO THAT ALL THE TIME. YOU BROUGHT FLOWERS? YEAH. WHY'D YOU BRING FLOWERS? BECAUSE YOU DESERVE FLOWERS. LAUREN, WHEN YOU WENT AWAY TO AFRICA, I DID A LOT OF THINKING. YOU AND I, WE HAVE SO MUCH HISTORY TOGETHER. TWO BOYS. ONE RECEPTIONIST. I-- LOOK, I MADE A MISTAKE! THAT'S-- YOU MADE AT LEAST FOUR MISTAKES THAT I KNOW OF. MADE. PAST TENSE. I` I WAS A JERK. LAUREN,... YOU WERE THE BEST THING IN MY LIFE. YOU AND THE BOYS. AND BOYS NEED THEIR FATHERS. THEY DO. I KNOW THAT I'M A GOOD FATHER. I JUST NEED TO PROVE IT TO THEM. WELL, YOU CAN! IT'S NOT TOO LATE. IS IT TOO LATE... FOR THIS? Chuckling WHAT... ARE YOU DOING?! I'M COMIN' HOME, BABY. OH! G-- MARK! GET OFF OF ME! YOU DON'T LIVE HERE ANY MORE! IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE? (CHUCKLES) NO. AND THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS ANYWAY. YOU'RE INTERESTED IN BEING A GOOD FATHER? TYLER HAS A GAME ON SATURDAY. BE THERE. DAD? I DIDN'T MEAN TO WAKE YOU. SORRY. I WAS TALKING TO MOM BEFORE BED. MM-HM. AND SHE SAYS SHE HAS A LOT OF STUFF TO DO. SHE DOES? YEAH. SO SHE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HANG AROUND AS MUCH. (SIGHS) OK. SHE ALSO SAID YOU NEED TO INCREASE MY ALLOWANCE TO $5. SHE'S VERY GENEROUS. Voice breaking I JUST... (SOBS) I DON'T WANT HER TO DISAPPEAR. SWEETHEART, SHE'S NEVER GONNA DISAPPEAR. NEVER EVER. YOU CAN LET HER GO. SHE WILL ALWAYS BE RIGHT HERE. AND I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE. I PROMISE YOU. (SOBS) BY THE WAY, MOM LOVED THE AFRICA TRIP. SO DID I. I MISS HER. YOUR MOTHER WAS THE GREATEST. I MEAN LAUREN. ME TOO. WE DON'T HAVE TO LET GO OF HER TOO, DO WE? COME HERE. 1 BRENDAN, DON'T FORGET THAT I'M PICKING YOU UP FOR SCOUTS, SO DON'T TAKE THE BUS HOME. (CHILDREN SNICKER) THANKS FOR TELLING EVERYONE I'M STILL IN SCOUTS, MOM. YOU'RE A GOOD BOY. BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE. SAY ONE WORD, AND YOU'RE DEAD. YOU'RE DRIVING A MINIVAN. IT'S DICK'S. I'M OFF TO BUY TOILET PAPER FOR TEAM THEODOPOLIS. WHEN THE TEAM NEEDS TOILET PAPER, THE CO-CAPTAIN GOES AND GETS IT. AND BELIEVE ME, THOSE KIDS NEVER STOP CRAPPING. KIDS NEED TO CRAP. YOU NEED ANYTHING FROM... (INHALES DEEPLY) ...WAL-MART? I'M GOOD. SEE YA AT THE PTA MEETING. OK, FOXY. (CROWD CHEERING) Man: YEAH. YOU'VE GOT THIS ONE. YEAH! BASE ON! PLEASE STOP THAT. UH, THIS IS SO GOOD, HONEY. THIS -- THAT'S OK. GREAT. ...THIS IS FAMILY. THIS IS FUN FOR ME. Woman: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! Man: WAY TO MAKE CONTACT. WAY TO GO, DAD. Girl: ONE OUT TO GO, BUT STANDARD FENCE HAS A RALLY GOING. Man: STANDARD FENCE, LET'S DO IT! NOW BATTING, NUMBER 23, TYLER REYNOLDS. (PLAYS "BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH") HEY, THAT'S NOT NICE! AW, SHUT UP. THAT KID'S AWFUL. GO, TYLER! Man: GO, TYLER! TRACY. WHAT'S YOUR HEAD DOING HERE? Man: EASY OUT. Man: NEW BATTER! Man: EASY! YOU GOT HIM, KEVIN. STRIKE ONE! I'M SO SORRY MARK DIDN'T SHOW UP. Lauren: I MEAN, HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT, YOU KNOW? YOUR KIDS HAVE TO COME FIRST 100% OF THE TIME. WELL, LIKE 99%. YOU GET 1% FOR YOURSELF. THAT'S GREAT NEWS. WELL, NO MATTER WHAT, YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP FOR YOUR KIDS. LIKE HIM. HEY, HEY! ALL RIGHT, BIG TIME! COME ON, TYLER! COME ON, TYLER! LOOKIN' GOOD OUT THERE! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) GET THAT ELBOW UP! ELBOW UP! INCREDIBLE. ESPN: YEAH! EYE ON THE BALL! COME ON, TYLER. STRIKE TWO! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! NICE CUT, NICE CUT. SLOW IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT. BEND THOSE KNEES. BALANCE, OK? TAKE CARE OF THIS. THAT'S IT. ELBOW UP. HIGHER, HIGHER. NOW, REMEMBER THE STINK EYE. (GROWLS) THE MOUSTACHE IS RATTLED. COME ON, TYLER, LET'S GO! COME ON, TYLER! TAKE 'EM DEEP. (YELPS) YOU HIT IT! RUN, TYLER, RUN! (SCREAMS) (CROWD CHEERS) KEEP GOIN', BROTHER! GO! WHOO! GO! DON'T HESITATE. COME, COME! COME TO ME, BIG TIME! GO! RUN TO ME! KEEP IT GOIN', TYLER! WE'RE GOIN' HOME, BABY! WE'RE GOIN' HOME! (GRUNTS) SAFE! Chuckling YEAH! YES! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! YEAH! WHOO! YEAH! THAT'S MY BROTHER! THANK YOU. ALL YOU IN THERE, BIG TIME. OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I LOVE YOU! THAT WAS AMAZING. I'M SO SORRY TO SHOW UP LIKE THIS. I-I WAS AT YOUR HOUSE THE OTHER DAY, AND I SAW YOUR EX-HUSBAND BLOW OFF TYLER WHEN HE WANTED TO PRACTICE, AND I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO WORK IT OUT, BUT IT JUST-- IT JUST BROKE MY HEART. WE'RE NOT WORKING IT OUT. THAT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. REALLY? WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MY HOUSE? I CAME BY TO TELL YOU THAT... I THINK IT'S OK NOW. (CHUCKLES) OK FOR WHAT? OK TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE RARE, RARE MOMENTS WHERE WE GET WHAT WE WANT. OH. WELL, WHAT DO WE WANT? (INHALES SHARPLY) YOU KNOW WHAT WE WANT. YEAH. I THINK THE KIDS WANT IT TOO. NOT AS MUCH AS I DO THERE, SCHLUMPY SHOULDERS. (LAUGHS) WAIT. I CAN'T DO THIS. YOU'RE KIDDIN' ME. (CHUCKLES) TOTALLY. I JUST HAD TO GET YOU BACK FOR AFRICA. COME ON. (CHUCKLES) YOU KNOW SOMETHIN'? YOUR MOM IS HOT. YOUR DAD'S PRETTY HOT TOO. NOT HOT. (LAUGHTER) COME ON, YOU DESERVE A NICE MASSAGE. Laughing OW! OH, IT'S GOOD. COME ON, YOU LIKE THAT, YOU LIKE THAT. OH, IT HURTS SO GOOD. (LAUGHS) AH, SORRY. # LOOK, THEY'RE BLENDING. # THEY'RE BLENDING. # HEARTS ARE MENDING. # ARE MENDING. # SAD TIMES ENDING, GOOD TIMES SPENDING WITH LOVE. # KIDS ARE FRIENDING. # ARE FRIENDING. # WEDDING TRENDING. # WEDDING. # BLENDING, FRIENDING, BLENDING, FRIENDING, MOVIE ENDING. # YEBO! (SCREAMING) YEAH! YEBO! # I WILL TAKE YOUR SIDE. # YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE. # I WILL TAKE YOUR SIDE. # YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE. # AND I COULD DIE # TO FIND THAT SIMPLE KIND OF LOVE # YOU CAN'T DENY. # JUST SAY IT. # BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT UNTIL I KILLED MY VOICE, BUT IT DIDN'T CHANGE A SINGLE THING. # IT'S THAT SIMPLE TRUTH THAT ALWAYS MEANS THE MOST TO YOU, AND YOU KNOW IT, SO JUST SAY IT. # AND WE WERE SPILLING WINE ON YOUR BEST FRIEND'S BED WHEN YOU SAID THIS WAS RIDICULOUS. # AND YOU KISSED ME JUST BECAUSE YOU KNEW IT'D SHUT ME UP. ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN SAY IT. JUST SAY IT. # I WILL TAKE YOUR SIDE. # YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE. # AND I COULD DIE # TO FIND THAT SIMPLE KIND OF LOVE # YOU CAN'T DENY. # AND I COULD DIE # TO FIND THAT SIMPLE KIND OF LOVE # YOU CAN'T DENY. # JUST SAY IT. #