IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Captioning 2010 1 1 'Mozart found his calling at age 5, composing his first minuet. 'Picasso discovered his talent for painting when he was 9. 'Tiger Woods swung his first club well before his second birthday. 'Me? I was 8 when I discovered my purpose in life. 'I was at the St Thomas Church 'next to the Hyatt Regency in Weehawken, New Jersey. 'It was my cousin Lisa's wedding.' Here, Dad. Let me. 'It was our first big family event since Mom died, 'and Dad was not in great shape.' Daddy, can you take me to the girls' room? I have to go pee. Uh, come on, Tess. Let's go. (SCREAMING) (GASPS) Shit! Oh, shit! Shi... (GIGGLING) Oh, Janey, I'm sorry. It's OK. We have cable. What'll I do? What the f...? ..the heck am I gonna do? Thank you so much, sweetie. You saved the day. Janey, get my train. 'And that was the moment.' 'That's when I fell in love with weddings.' 'I had helped someone on the most important day of their life and... I couldn't wait for my own special day.' Oh, Jane, that's stunning. It really is. It's the perfect dress. Oh, my God. You look so beautiful. Really? You really think so? It's amazing, like it was made for you. It's for you. It's the bride. Oh, great. Thank you. Hi, Suzanne. "Is it ready?" They just finished hemming it. "It fits?" Thank God we're the same size. "Are you coming now?" I'll have it over to you in just a minute. Don't worry about anything. This is your day. "Thanks." (HUSTLE AND BUSTLE) Ahh! There you are! You look great. Thanks. OK. Let's go. Come on. Ohhhhh. Oh. Here. What's this? I brought you a shawl, Visine, Tylenol, a pair of earrings. About your hair... What? The bitch said, "Up." It's up! OK. I'll fix it inside. What's all this stuff? Let's just hurry. Aren't the dresses great? You can shorten them and wear them again. Definitely. So true. Give me a smile. OK. Excuse me, on the right... We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Suzanne and Greg. This is a time of great joy as we honour two people who have come together to be joined in holy matrimony. Sorry. Taxi! (Great.) Thanks. 31 Water Street, Brooklyn. OK. I will give you $300 flat for the whole night on one condition. Yeah. You don't look in the rear view mirror or I deduct. Deal? Yeah. Great. What are you doing? Hey! You just cost yourself 20 bucks. I... No one's looking. I'll be right back. Thank God you're here. I'm freakin' out. I forgot my thingy. Oh! I brought extra. No worries. Perfect. Thank you. Hi! Hi! Are these dresses great? And you could shorten it and wear it again. That is definitely so true. We gather here today to join in holy matrimony Shari Rabinowitz... And Prakash Maharasti, known to his friends as "Woody." Shari and Prakash are so happy that so many of you are here today What are you doing?! Get in the car! Come on! Go! Go! Go! You in? Yeah. Hey! Hey! You are down to 260. Are you sure you wanna keep this up? No. OK, then. Which one do you want? The brunet or the blond? I kinda want the blond. Casey, can't you keep it in your pants for one wedding? The only reason to wear this monstrous dress is so some drunken groomsman can rip it to shreds with his teeth. What time is it now? Well, I'm just gonna be about two more hours, so... I'll call you back. # Whoo! # Lovely # Is the feeling now... Hey! Wrong shoes! Ziggy! What...?! # Temperature's rising now # Power... Oh! Geez! Jane, I am so hungry. Did you eat anything? Oh, yeah. It looks gorgeous. I haven't eaten anything. Let me give you some advice, do not drink Moet on an empty stomach. Ahh. (TRICKLES) Did you meet my grandma? Yeah. She was great. I really enjoyed her. I think she's having fun. Oh, yeah. Lots. # Don't stop till you get enough # Keep on with the force # Don't stop till you get enough # Keep on, baby # Don't stop till you get enough # (APPLAUSE / LAUGHTER) Jane, what is that thing on your forehead? Oh. I'd like to take a moment to give a special thank-you to a girl who's really gone above and beyond. She not only hosted my shower and helped design the invitation... She went with me to the caterer, the florist, wedding cake bakery. (LAUGHTER) And to eight bridal stores where she helped me cling to my self-esteem. As I tried on dress after dress. So thanks, Jane! (APPLAUSE) Thanks, Jane. (APPLAUSE) Everybody ready? # Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" (THUD!) (GROANS) Whoa, whoa. Easy. Take it easy. You don't wanna move around too much. OK. This is a serious injury. Get me some ice. Get me a bottle of 100-proof liquor and something she can bite on. Stat! All right. She's fine, folks. Just a little bump on the head. Carry on. You a doctor? No, but Tweedledee and "Tweedledrunk" were bugging me. OK. Do you know your name? Jane. Jane. I'm Kevin. Hmm. Thank you for helping me. Sure. Got it? Uh-huh. You're good? I'm fine. All right. Whoa, whoa. OK. Why don't we get you a cab? All right. Nice and easy. Let's walk. # That I'm irresponsibly mad # For you # I loved your thong, by the way. You buzzed past me earlier. I saw you changing gowns. You were in two weddings in one night. That's a little upsetting. They're both good friends and their weddings were on the same night. That's not the upsetting part. How do you stand it? Isn't one wedding bad enough? I love weddings. I always have. Really? Yeah. Which part, the forced merriment, horrible music or bad food? Actually, it's meeting upbeat people like yourself. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love means slowly losing your mind. What is it you do again? I'm a writer. Right. (LAUGHS) This is my building. I got it. No. I got it. Sure? Yeah. All right, sweetie. 140. You know what you did. Hey! What's...? No. He's gonna be right back. Hold on. Don't you think it's a whole lot of ritual for something that, let's face it, it's got a 50/50 shot of making it out of the gate. How very refreshing. A man who doesn't believe in marriage. I'm just trying to point out the hypocrisy of the spectacle. Do you also go round telling children that Santa Claus doesn't exist? Cos someone needs to blow that shit wide open. You admit that believing in marriage is kind of like believing in Santa? No. I... I don't know why I'm arguing this with a perfect stranger. But, yes, marriage, like everything good and important, isn't easy. Cynicism, on the other hand, always is. It was very interesting meeting you. Bye. Yeah. You gonna be in more weddings next weekend? I have to go. How many have you been in? Just, like, ballpark. Good night. Hey, you know what? Could you... Yeah? Forget it. Yep. Ah. (DOOR CLICKS OPEN) (HUMS) (SIGHS) Death. Destruction. Wedding vows. Yea! Come to momma. (SIGHS) (BIRDS CHIRP / BELLS TOLL) Jeter hit a walk-off in the ninth. Did you see it? I work Saturday nights, remember? Here. From the happy couple. You were eating coconut cake and doing the Electric Slide. So, how'd it go? Oh, let's see. The bride wore a gown that sparkled like the groom's eyes as he saw her approaching through a shower of rose petals. And you're not getting laid? Commitments is the gold standard of wedding announcements. Every girl on the planet rips open that page, first thing Sunday. Brides kill to get in there. Do you have any idea what you can be doin'? You mean to women who are about to get married? Yeah. They won't call you. They won't bother you. They will pretend they never even met you. You can't beat that. It's not gonna matter much longer. My ticket out of the taffeta ghetto. Keep on dreaming. Er, go away. Yes. OK. What?! I wasn't gonna come to work in my bridesmaid dress. Two-day walk of shame outfit. Elegant. (LAUGHS) What happened to you? You were barely there, and then you disappeared. You meet someone? Come on. No. Oh. Ridiculous question. Good morning, Gina. Hi. You haven't seen my Filofax anywhere, have you? No. No. OK. I'll go look for it. Did you get those catalogue pages in for George? No. OK. No worries. I'll get them from production. Attagirl. Show her who's boss. I'm not her boss. You're the boss's assistant. Same diff. What's the good of your job if you can't abuse the power? Casey, go to Accounting. Now you're bossy. (LAUGHS) Where the hell did I put that thing? That is a great idea for the front page of the section. How many times have I heard this? Maureen, it's a great idea. As great as your last one, an expose on price-fixing at wedding bakeries? Yes! Yes! They're ripping people off. Flour costs pennies per ounce. That's an 800% mark-up. Outrageous. Yes, it is. Also, no one cares. What about my piece on the exploitation of workers in hand-made lace factories? That's what people really wanna read about in the Style section(!) Kevin, this section practically pays for the entire paper. Our advertisers want fun, upbeat, colourful human-interest stories. So that's what we're about now? Making money? Get out. That was not right. But this one is. This woman has been in 7 weddings So? This year. She was in two on Saturday. It won't be about her. It'll be an incisive look at how the wedding industry has transformed something that should be an important rite of passage into nothing more than a corporate revenue stream. In a fun, upbeat, you know, cheerful way. I am dying back there in Commitments. If I write another sentence about baby's breath, I'll shoot myself. This is a real story. This is what I wanna do. I need you covering weddings. That's what you're good at. And that's what I need you to do. If you don't start giving me feature stories, I'm gonna have to quit. One chance. If I don't like it, you go back to Commitments for life with a big smile on that ridiculously handsome face of yours. you go back to Commitments for life with a big smile on that ridiculously handsome face of yours. Deal. You think he'll like these? Yes, I do. Those photos will cause George to take you into his office and make sweet love to you for hours and hours. Shh! Casey. Tell me that crazy crush is the reason you work as hard as you do. Just like my job. OK? No. You just think that one day George is gonna wake up and realise that he is madly in love with you and he's gonna make some spectacular gesture of love - Flowers for Jane Nichols. Yeah. That's me. Thank you. That's great. I spent two days in bed with a guy, and you get flowers. Nice. There's no note. Oh, Jane. You don't seriously think they're from your dream guy, do you? Gina, can you take these to my desk for me? Sure. No problem. Would you please stop saying that? Nobody knows. Everybody knows, Jane, except George. It's true. (BARKS) Gatsby! Hi, buddy. Hi! Whoa! Come on, Gatsby. No slobbering on the ladies. Hi. How was it? It was phenomenal. Up and back in 10 hours, our best time yet. Isn't that the eighth time you climbed Mount Whitney? How do you remember that stuff, Jane? I don't know. What do you think of these? I think they're too corporate. They don't have enough of a feel of being... Outdoors. There's no adventure. Everyone looks way too put together. Like models.. I'll talk to Marketing. That's why I keep you around. Who else could finish my sentences? Your design meeting is at 11. The 92nd Street Y called to confirm that you'll attend their benefit. You wanna go? Do I have to make a speech? Just a few words about ecologically responsible business practices. Something light and fun. You in? Yeah. Put it on the calendar but I'm need to dig up a date for that, huh? Yeah. Probably. At least that's the one thing in my life you don't have to take care of. Oh, my... God! Leave me alone. Jane! Yeah? Did you put that breakfast burrito on my desk? I just thought you might be hungry. That's why I love ya. I love you too. (SLAP!) Oh! Yeah. Yeah. You're right. I needed that. OK, everybody. I hope to see you all at my engagement party tonight. Jane, thanks again for arranging everything. No problem. Do you wanna come over to my place before the party? Guys from Shipping are coming and they're bringing tequila and bubble wrap. Fun! I can't. I gotta pick up Tess from the airport. Wouldn't it be great if there was a service you could hire to do that? Like yellow cars or shiny black sedans... I want to pick her up. She's my baby sister. Plus, she needs my help. See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya. Ha. (GIGGLES) Hi! Yeah! Hey, when did you start travelling so lightly? Oh. I always meet the nicest people on planes. Hmm. Come on. Parked in P-9. Rudolfo said he wanted to come back to New York with me, of course, but I told him that I needed space, you know? Spazio, Rudolfo! Spazio. Oh! This is so tiny and cute. I love it. Ah. Feels so good to be home. Six months away feels like forever. Oh. Mom was my age, you know? Almost to the day. Yeah. It was the perfect wedding. The Boathouse, the big band, ceremony at sunset. Except that dress. I mean, the synthetic lace and the inverted box pleats. I think it was perfect. They really did love each other. Yeah. What are these? Wedding announcements? I'm... They're... I was... Excuse me. I was going to recycle them. Well, excuse me. Into what? Wallpaper? It's just this one guy. Malcolm Doyle, I only keep his. He writes the best ones. I just... I love the stories, the crazy proposals, the engagements. Yeah. Never mind. It's not really your thing. So, how long you stayin'? Erm, a week or two, the fall fashion shows are done, so I don't have much work. I am meeting up with some people from the office tonight for a party. You wanna come? Actually, I'm having drinks with some friends from Milan. So, let me get this straight. You'd rather have drinks with Italian models than come to my work party? Weird, huh? Yeah. But I'll try to make it. Well, thanks. Grey Goose is in the freezer. Red Bull's on top of the fridge. In the cupboard there are - (BOTH) Strawberry Pop Tarts. Jinx! I said it first St Marks and A. You got it. Hi, Gina. Hey, George. Great party. Thanks for comin'. You got them champagne glasses and a bottle of Cristal. Good. Any way she's gonna believe that it actually came from me? Maybe. I wrapped it like a car ran over it. Nice. Nice touch. Ah, look. I'm gonna go to the bar, get a couple of drinks. Need anything? Liquid courage? Maybe some hair of the dog for you? (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) I'm good. Thanks. He asks if you want a drink, you smile and you say, "Vodka soda." If you already have a drink, you down it. Then there's some flirting, some interoffice sex, an accidental pregnancy, a shotgun wedding and a life of bliss. How many times do we have to go over this? I don't want him to think I'm irresponsible. That's what guys want, responsible. You're wrong. George appreciates me for the way I am. What good is it being appreciated if no one is naked? Jane. By the way, did you get that thing I left on your desk this morning? O-On my desk? Yeah. Was that OK? OK? It was great. OK. Good. Good. Cos we haven't really had that kind of relationship before, so I just wanted to make sure you were OK with it. George! All right. Excuse me. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He gave me flowers. He gave me flowers. OK. Stop it. This is real life. This is not a fantasy. Go over there and tell him how you feel. OK. It's now or never, so... so now. Now, now. Go. Now! Yeah. (MUSIC PLAYS) Jane. Sorry. George, this is my sister, Tess. Tess, this is my George-- No! I didn't mean it like that. Jane is my assistant. Kind of like my right hand. Lucky her. Yeah. It's kind of like whatever I need, she takes care of. As if I don't take enough advantage of her already, I even dropped my dry cleaning slip off on her desk today. Your dry cleaning slip. It was an emergency. Good fluff-and-fold is no joking matter. Yeah. Especially when you're down to your last pair of socks. Right. You wanna get a drink? Mm-hmm. Came to have a drink with my sister. Janey? Hi. How are ya? Were the flowers too much? They're from you. Uh-huh. You sent them. The angry marriage-hater. Oh, that's... That's such... good news. Good news. Hey, Kev, can you hold this for one sec? Sure. Motherf... (SCREAMS DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC) (SCREAMS) Why? Why? Oh. I'm so sorry. Congratulations. 50. Wow. That's great. I'm sorry. You were saying? Er, I just asked if you'd got my flowers. Oh, and I have something for you. I wanted to give you... Here you are. Oh, my God. Thank God! You left it in the cab. It was either the engagement party tonight or Thursday's bikini wax, so... I thought that... You read it?! Yeah. Well, no. I tried to read it. It was very hard - your cramped handwriting It's very Unabomber. Those space-age computer date books take care of everything for you. I don't need to be taken care of. Have a drink with me. Yeah? Er, you know... Thank you for bringing back my Filofax. That was very nice. It's a drink. It's not a week in Oahu. It'll take the edge off. Just one drink. I'm sorry. I'm really not gonna be very much... fun tonight. Got it. Totally got it. So maybe I'll bump into you on Thursday. Maybe not. I'll see you around. Who was that? And where can I get one? Is he coming back? That's freakin' insane. I could never do that. No, no. You didn't eat it? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. I didn't even see it. I promise. It's late. You must be exhausted. Let's... You wanna... Let's go dancing. What? No. I don't... George, you don't... Yeah. No. I'll go. OK. Yeah, but I gotta warn you. I'm a terrible dancer. Come on. On several occasions they've had to call the paramedics. (LAUGHS) You wanna come too, Jane? Erm... No. You guys go. Have a good time. Let's go. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Go to sleep, Jane. Go to sleep! 3am?! # Well, sometimes I go out by myself # And I look across the water # And I think of all the things what you're doin' # And in my head I paint a picture # Cos since I come home # Well, my body's been a mess # And I miss your tender hair # And the way you like to dress # Oh, won't you come on over # Stop making a fool out of me # Why don't you come on over, Valerie # Oh, hi, Tess. How was your date? Nice? What? You talked about me the whole time? Don't feel bad. I'm a really important part of his life. We spend every hour, every day together. (DOOR CLICKS) Hey! Still up? Hi. Yeah. Yeah, just doin' a little bit of cleaning. Harnessing my chi. Janey, I had... the best night ever. Oh, that's right! I totally forgot you went out. Ow! Is that weird for you? What? Weird? Why would it be weird? He's my boss. I don't care. Whatever. Great. Cos we're having lunch. (HIGH PITCHED) That's so great! I think so too. Except not quite at that decibel. So tell me about George. Oh. Well. I... Er... He, er... He dropped out of college and then climbed every major peak in the world. And then he started Urban Everest from his apartment and turned it into one of the most eco-friendly philanthropic businesses in the world before he was 30. Wow. And that's just his resume. He is an unbelievable boss. Everybody loves him. He loves his dog, Gatsby, more than anyone. He doesn't eat red meat, which is kinda cool. And he would rather spend all his time outside than anywhere else. My God. He sounds amazing. Yeah. Yeah, but he has flaws. He does. He is flawed. What do you mean? Well, he hates cashews, which is weird. And sometimes he doesn't wear socks with sneakers. I just think that's gross. Jane, those aren't exactly deal-breakers. Deal. Wh-What deal? I mean, nothing happened between the two of you tonight, did it? Did it? Well... Oh. I got ya. Nice. Mmm. Fun. Sounds fun. (BELL TINKLES) Dad? Oh, hey, sweetie. How are you? Oh, you didn't have to. Tessie! Oh! Ohhh. Hi. Look at you! Oh, Dad. This place looks exactly the same. Now that's not fair. I got a brand-new awning. I just stripped and re-varnished all the woodwork. Look. New cash register. Digital. I'm sorry. I don't know how I missed all these remarkable improvements. Give me that. Let's go upstairs. There we go. Dad, aren't we a little old for these? No. Good, cos I love 'em! So, Tess, how long you here for? One to two weeks, right? Erm, actually, it just depends on how a few things pan out. What things? (PHONE RINGS) What-What-What few things? What's... Hello? Hi! Let me guess. Some new guy is chasing after her? I wouldn't call it "chasing." Oh, George. I would love to. Jane? What? You OK? Yeah! Oh, yeah. Great. Fine. Everything's fine. (LAUGHS) Of course. (TESS'S VOICE) She's gonna call me. I guarantee it. I got a way of making the ladies reach out to me. Oh, yeah. How? Oh, God. (PHONE RINGS) Whoo! Ah. "Yello." You ripped a week out of my planner. Are you insane? It's an experiment. See how you do without your life mapped out. By the way, your life is insane. What do you do besides work and help people get married? I don't see how that's any of your business. How do you afford them? The dresses, airfares, wine of the month clubs? People love that gift. I'm a frequent member. They throw in a free gewurztraminer. Wow. That is terribly sad. I'm sorry about that. Well, look. I wanna make it up to you. How about a new date book or maybe just a date? Er, yeah. Sure. Let me just pencil you in. Except, hey! You already did. Every Saturday for the rest of the year. Can you please, please find someone else to be creepy with? Nope. If you wanna hang with someone who doesn't need you at a fitting or a coed mojito and burrito rehearsal dinner, give me a call. Yeah. OK. Oh, God. Hey! Hey! Are we getting too old for hugs? No. Thank you. (GROANS) There he is. Pedro. Hey, what's up? How's it goin'? So, erm, Pedro is my, erm... I'm his little brother. From the Big Brother Programme at the Y. Oh. Pedro, Tess happens to be Jane's sister. Oh. (SHOUTS) Hola, Pedro. Tess and I are gonna take Pedro to his baseball game if you wanna come. I can't. I've got so much work to do. I should stay here. Are you kidding me? Your boss is a jerk. Let's go. I don't wanna have to fire you. OK. All right. Let's go. Hey. How you doin'? Let me get three Diet Pepsis, three fries and... Chilli dog. You want a chilli dog? Er, no. Not unless it's a tofu dog with meatless chilli. I'm sorry. What? You're a vegetarian? Uh-huh. It's recent. Is it? I'm a vegetarian too. I used to be a vegan, but it was too much hassle. Oh, God. I know. Even being a vegetarian is a challenge. Every time I go hiking I have to bring my homemade "tofurky jerky." You go hiking? You hardly seem like the kinda girl that hits the trails, especially in those shoes. Don't be silly. The best "tofurky" is made by publicists in kitten heels. I can see how you'd think that, but I love outdoorsy type of stuff. You know, hiking and biking and climbing up things. To tell you the truth, I haven't been hiking since... my dog died. See, Jane and I had this dog growing up, Tory. I just... I loved him. We would just go on nature hikes and climbing adventures. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that bag of fleas. Good ol' Tory. Jane, how come you never mentioned Tory? I don't know. I must have repressed the memory of Toby. His name was "Toby," but I called him "Tory" because I had a lisp. A lisp that turned your B's to R's? When I was a kid, I had a stutter. No way! We have more things in common than I thought. Yeah, me too. I'm gonna go out and shag some flies with Pedro. Ooh! I'm jealous. It sounds fun. (LAUGHS) What are "shagging flies"? What are you doing? What? You hate dogs and tofu and being outside. No. I like yachts. I like flowers. I like, you know, tanning. You hated Toby. The only animals you cared about were dead with sleeves. You're just saying all this stuff because George is so... attractive. Or some people think he is. I did not hate that dog. I just hated it when he slobbered on me. And I could like soy milk and hiking if I tried it. Maybe. Hey, Tess. What do you say you come out here. Let's see that arm. Ooh. Fun. Are we gonna shag now? (LAUGHS) Ever done this before? No. I don't know how to do this. OK. Like that? Put this arm down there. Hold that elbow up. OK. All right. Hold it there. Hi. Thank you. Oh. # I'm in like with you... "Love, George." Ah. # Not in love with you quite yet... George. # My heart's beginning to... Oh, that's terrific. # Slightly overrule my head # Oh, no, oh, no My self-control # It won't hold up for very long # Oh, no, oh, no # You touch my soul... We should all go fishing together sometime. Wouldn't that be great? # Falling too fast for you # Can you hold on a bit # Stop before we go # Cos I might need a moment # And I wouldn't wanna spoil it # Who knows # If I am ready or not # To date or not # Only time will tell # Who knows # If we are ready to make this # Something # Who knows # Mmm, yeah... You know that in sign language, this means "I love you." I love you too, Tess. # Oh, no, oh, no # My self-control # It won't hold up for very long # Oh, no, oh, no # You touch my soul # I can't help falling too fast for you... Jane! # If I am ready or not # Which one sucks less? This one. Good. Maybe, er, would you mind again? Nope. I do it for my dad all the time. Are you OK? You seem a little bit nervous. Yeah. No. I'm cool. How's it look? Great. Here you go. Thank you. (HOOVERING) (ROMANTIC MUSIC) Oh, hey. Guys, guys! Hold it. She's not the one. She's not the one. Hey. Jane. I'm so sorry. I should've called, but you forgot your wallet. Oh. Well, thanks. Sorry I'm late. Hey, guys. Now, now. (ROMANTIC MUSIC) Jane, what's going on? (WHISTLES) Come here, boy. Golly. Here you go. Oh! Hey, Tess. Sorry. Erm... Will you do me a favour? Sit down a second. OK. So, Tess. My parents met playing hopscotch when they were eight years old and they were married for 42 years. I've been waiting my whole life to feel the way my dad felt about Mom. Maybe I've been too busy trying to make something of myself, but,... Oh! ..I missed some of those moments. But, the second that I saw you I knew that we could be great together. So, erm,... (GASPS) Tess, will you marry me? Yes, of course I will. George. So, wait. Does this mean that you're moving back here? Yep. I-I don't know what to say. First, you give Jane a job, then you get Tessie to move back home. George, you're my hero. Oh, thank you. You have a couple of pretty great girls here. Wait. Just a second. I wanna get somethin'. Don't go anywhere. (WHISPERS) Who isn't? I'm so excited that we did this today. He's so happy. Tess. (GASPS) Daddy! Your mother would've wanted you to have it. Daddy, thank you! Thank you. OK. Jane, you don't mind, right? No. No. You can have it after me. No. That is good. Mom would've wanted that. Yeah. Mom would've wanted that. That's my Jane. Yeah. That's right. It was my mother's. Isn't that amazing? That's beautiful. Dad, I don't even know what to say. Er, so I'm just trying to figure out why you decided to meet with me. You've been ducking me and then... My little sister's getting married. Before you. That's not what I'm upset about. Then what are you upset about? (GROANS) You don't know Tess. She's gonna want me to do everything. I'm not gonna just be her maid of honour, I'll be taking care of everything. So why don't you just say no? What? Say, "No." You have said no to people before? Yes, of course. Many, many times. In this situation, never. Not once. Ah, but you want to say no. But I can't. It's my sister. But you can say no because it's your sister... We're gonna practise saying no. You think I'm kidding? Turn around. We're gonna play this game. Come on. Humour me. Give me 50 bucks. No! Jane, it's 50 bucks. I'll pay you back. No. Jane, I need you... to give me 50 bucks. (SOFTLY) No? Yeah, not bad. Can I have your drink? Sure. No! Oh, no. (LAUGHS) You were doing so well. # One of them said, 'Larz, you a teen heart-throb ` Bro. It's Pamela. SMOOTH MUSIC (SLURPS) # You know we get down with all the cyber moms. # One of them told me I was hot right now like Tiger Balm. # One of them said, 'Larz, you a teen heart-throb ` # 'make my baby faint; make a tween's heart stop.' # (GRUNTS, RETCHES) Ewww. He's a bit of a grossie, eh? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) < (GRUNTS) Is that your friend? Him? (CHUCKLES) Nah. < (RETCHES) Ooh. So you went by the flower shop and ordered the favours? Uh-uh. What about the invitation mock-ups? Done. This is so much fun! Did I tell you I asked Julie to be one of the bridesmaids? Who? Cousin Julie. Second cousin twice removed. What about Mimi? Cousin Mimi? Oh, no way. She's so pregnant. It'll just throw off the aesthetics. I'm sorry. I know you don't love Julie. What's not to love about a woman who asked me if I chaired the Itty Bitty Titty Committee all through my teen years? Don't listen to her. Your boobs came in. They just missed high school. For my third bridesmaid, I want you to ask your friend, that rude one. Casey? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. My Casey? She can pull off the strapless. I don't have that many girlfriends. Girls just don't like me. I don't know why. OK. Fine. I know why. Will you just ask her? Sure. Of course. I was also thinking we could do a slide show for the rehearsal dinner. Put pictures of George and I together and say funny things. OK. That writer you obsess about, he wants to do a whole Commitments column on us in the Journal. He called me. Can you believe it? At this point, I absolutely can. I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and I think you're right. I think it'd be so special if I did a wedding like Mom and Dad's. Just like? You know, especially since I'm wearing Mom's dress. So, ta-dah! The Boathouse? Uh-huh. When I called first they said they had no availability for 18 months. But then the ninth time I called, they said they had a cancellation. Apparently the bride slept with the groom's father, brother and sister. So, obviously, it got cancelled and they were all devastated. But which means we're getting married in three weeks. Three weeks?! Oh, Jane. I know you can pull it together quickly. And I didn't wanna wait that long anyway, so... Er, you could be a little excited for me. No, I am. I am. It's just... It's just that you wanted to get married here in Mom's dress too. I know. No, I just... I didn't know that that's what you wanted, but if it is, then I just want you to be happy. You know that. Great! OK. Now can we talk about more important stuff? Come on. I don't like the linens. We need to rent new ones because they don't go with my colour scheme. That selfish whore! Namaste. Namaste. I cannot believe it. There is no man that won't fall for her. Even a do-gooder like George. Men just become hypnotised by her voodoo and they lose their minds. You can't plan your sister's wedding to the man you love. It's sick! She didn't know how I felt about him. And nor should she, he's my boss. I'm just gonna have to get over it. I don't really have a choice. And neither do you. She wants you to be a bridesmaid. You are shitting me! Hello? Please! No. No, I won't do it, on principle. I say no on principle. No. You can count me out. Please. Please don't leave me alone in this. Please, please, please. Fine. Fine. Because it's you. But if she crosses me, I'm gonna kick her ass. And then I will kick your ass. Then I'm gonna have a couple drinks... (GONG BELLOWS) There's no sign that says, "No talking." Three weeks?! It cannot be done. It is not enough time for one of my creations! Antoine, remember when I brought you the Schecters and they commissioned that six-tiered, heart-shaped masterpiece? Then, of course, the tower of edible gifts for the Schifman-Guardino outdoor fiesta. You can do anything. You're gonna do the cake in three weeks and I would like a discount. Three weeks? It pleases me. Delightful. We have a cake. (CLAPPING) What are you doing here? Hi. I'm Malcolm Doyle. What? Oh, yes. I didn't wanna believe it till you were here. This is my fiance, George. Congratulations to the both of you. (PHONE RINGS) Thank you. Babe, I gotta take this. If there's a cake emergency, I'm over here. (LAUGH) Oh, and this is Jane, my sister. She's obsessed with your stories. She keeps them, but pretends she doesn't, but she does. She's your number one fan. Not in a creepy way though. Right. You said your name was Kevin. As in Kevin. I use Malcolm for the by-line so I don't get stalked by crazy brides. So how did you meet George? You're an asshole. Jane! I'm sorry. He said his name was Kevin. I'm a little bit confused. Wait. You guys know each other? We both work the wedding circuit, so... Can you just give us one second? I'm just gonna talk to... Talk about you. Antoine. You lied to me. No. I told you I was a writer. I didn't tell you what I wrote. But you write the most beautiful things. Do you believe in love and marriage and pretend to be a cynic or are you a cynic who knows how to spin romantic crap for girls like me? I didn't follow that. But I think the second one about spinning crap. spin romantic crap for girls like me? I didn't follow that. But I think the second one about spinning crap. Oh, my God. I feel like I found out my favourite love song was about a sandwich. Erm, can I steal you away to tell you about George and me? Of course. That's why I'm here. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Ugh. What? Tess is not here. I'm here to see you. Why? Come on. I have to talk to all of the friends and family. It'll take five minutes. Please? For George and Tess? (LAUGHS) Thank you. May I come in? Just ask me what you wanna ask me. Or would you prefer to lie some more? I didn't lie to you. I may have left out a few things. Can we just get this over with? The maid of honour is a peculiar young woman. So tell me how you feel about Tess's whirlwind romance. I couldn't be happier. She's my kid sister. I taught her how to tell time, how to steam flounder in the dishwasher. I mean, I practically raised her. Oh, please, don't print that. That would kill my father. Wait. What are those? Nothing. Are those...? No! Are they bridesmaid dresses? This is none of your business. Oh! Good God. What? You kept them all? You have a closet full. Why? I have a lot of friends and I like to keep them. Right. That makes complete sense because they're beautiful. Some are not that bad. "Not that bad"? I'd like to see one of them that's not that bad. Fine. Erm, well... Not that one. This one... This one is really... Horrible. Right? Was the word you're looking for. What colour is this? Vomit? It's an olivey green. It's very in. It looks great on. This is an instrument of torture inflicted on you by a bride who wants you to look ugly. No. Jenna picked it because it looks good on everybody. Slightly delusional and will believe anything anyone tells her. That is not true and I'm going to show you you are wrong. (LAUGHS) See? It's not so bad. This sash is really very flat... OK. You are totally right about the dress. It is not that bad. But, come on. The colour? Please. Well, it's your flash. I think it's blowing it out weird... OK, it's not very good. You kind of look like a shiny mermaid. (LAUGHS) She didn't want to stand next to a beautiful woman looking decent. (LAUGHS) Well, erm, it's really not the worst one. If I had to pick one... I got a good one. This is my favourite. Oh, my God. What the hell is that? Theme wedding. What was the theme, humiliation? God! No, people do not have Gone With The Wind weddings. I have been to three. Let's do it. Y'all say, Diddly-dee. (ALL) Diddly-dee. Oh! I feel sick. All right. What else you got? Show me some more. (LAUGHS) OK. OK. You have to show me Benihana. Give it. # Girl, you ain't got the crime cos she ain't got nothing' on you # (SIGHS) (LAUGHS) A-ha! Very pretty. Do you feel pretty? Adorable. Every bride loves her accessories. Men wore dresses. Women wore suits. (LAUGHS) Kevin? Yep. Oh! Erm, what was the theme here? LA Wedding. # You gotta party # If you're feeling hearty # She's in love now # Would you rather see # That you know, yeah # # Come on # 27 dresses. You gotta be kidding me. I don't get it. You do the thing, you have the dress. Just throw it out. That's a huge closet. You live in New York. You cannot be eating up space like that. Strange as it sounds, I've had some really good times in those dresses. I don't believe you. I don't care if it's a funny dress. It's their day. God bless you. And if supporting them when they get married means snowshoeing to a mountaintop in the Alps or helping to caulk a fountain for some swans, then... You actually did that? Oh, I'm a really, very good caulker. Likes caulk. (LAUGHS) Seriously. How much time do you spend doing this for other people? What about you? You don't have any needs? No, I don't. I'm Jesus. (LAUGHS) Someday,... God knows when,... someday... it'll be my day. And then all those people will be there for me. That is if I ever... (CAMERA CLICKS) Sorry. You don't get it. That's fine. Why would you? (KNOCK ON DOOR) Hey. I need your registry list. I thought you were gonna wait downstairs. (SINGING) What is that? George is in Telluride. Who's in here? No one. Let's talk in the hall. Tess. Jane! He was looking for a part-time job. He's... cleaning the apartment. # Oh, boy... Don't tell George. It's Pedro and my little secret. # I don't really know what I'm doing. # Kevin! That bridesmaid story, what do you have so far? Uh, it's a little rough. I'm still workin' on it. I want to see it. I'm not even` Right now. Email it. It's not... I'm not finished with it. It's not done. Go away. I did not invite you. Well, luckily Tess did. When I cover a wedding, I gotta see every aspect. Your sister wants so many presents from so many stores that she cannot register for them all herself. She's pressed for time. Good God. Another one? To you, it's just another casserole dish. To Tess, it's the pot she's gonna cook my mother's Christmas roast in. casserole dish. To Tess, it's the pot she's gonna cook my mother's Christmas roast in. Oh, Tess cooks? Well, I'm gonna cook it. But Tess will be there... with George. And this isn't just another "vahze." A vase. This is the "vahze" that Tess will get out when George brings home flowers, just because he felt like it. I see. This is the rooster-shaped umbrella holder that will hold all of George's umbrellas. Fine. Be a jerk. All I'm saying is that this isn't just stuff. These are the things that make up a life together. No. This is the useless crap that the $70-billion-a-year wedding industry has convinced us all that we have to have or we won't be happy. I think that all your statistics and theories are just a smoke screen. Oh, really? For what? Your little secret, whatever it is. Your parents got divorced. You haven't found the right girl. You're afraid you never will. Mm-hm. I think you love weddings cos you focus on their Kodak moments rather than make your own memories. Weddings are the perfect place to forget about being single(!) I think you want a wedding, not a marriage. to forget about being single(!) I think you want a wedding, not a marriage. What is your problem? Did you have your own fancy wedding and your wife left you or something? What is your problem? Did you have your own fancy wedding and your wife left you or something? Bingo. What? With my roommate from college. You get an extra bingo for that. Oh shit. Kevin, I'm... I'm so sorry. It was just... It was a guess. It was a good one. For someone who has no insight whatsoever into herself, you nailed me right on the head. Want to find the ugliest stuff in the store and register Tess for it? Let's do it. (KNOCK ON GLASS) Wow. I told you I was not done with it. No, it's good. I meant, "Wow, it's decent." I have to admit, I was shocked, but, uh, it's smart and, uh, biting, and actually entertaining as hell. Well, thank you. You really nailed this girl. We're running it Sunday, front page of the section. Um, here is where you jump up and down with gratitude. Oh... No, no, no. I just don't think it's perfect yet. I really want to get this right. We should just hold it a week. You've been begging me for months and now you want me to hold off? Now that I'm in it, she's more than just this perpetual bridesmaid. There's a lot more to her than that. If I didn't know you any better I'd say that you'd developed a crush. Very funny. Look, I know I can make it better. It's good the way it is. Will you just give me a week? (SIGHS) Fine. Get out. Hi. Thank you for coming on such short notice. Oh, it's no problem. I'm happy to help. And I have more experience eating than Tess does. Now, we've planned your wedding dinner to your exact specifications. "(PHONE RINGS)" "Jane's phone." Tess? Hey, it's Kevin. Hey! How is the article coming? I think it's gonna be a great piece. I think you'll be very happy. I can't wait. Any chance you know where Jane is? The thing that I like about Tess is there's no bullshit. She's not afraid to be herself. George, about Tess, there's something that I want to say. Um... What? I'm just so happy for you, that you found what you were looking for. All right. So what's your favourite part of a wedding? Oh, that's easy. You know when the music starts and the bride makes her big entrance and everybody turns to look at her? That's when I look at the groom. Cos his face says it all. The pure love there. That's why I go. So when you get married I have full permission to look at the groom? Yes. Please do. Please make sure the poor sucker is still standing there. Are you kidding me? Some guy would be lucky to have you. And the way that you attacked that tomatillo, who could resist that? Very sexy. (LAUGHS) Doyle? Hey. Hey. What are you doing here? Are you guys picking out the wedding meal? Where's Tess? She's... getting her hair done. I'm just helping out. Mm-hm. We're heading up to Rhinebeck to pick out linens from an antique store. We should go, Tess and I have dinner with my parents. Why don't I just go with you? What? No. That's OK. I can get you back on time. I got my dad's Volvo, and that thing books. I don't mind. I got a couple more questions to ask you for my article. Which I'd be happy to answer, by phone or email. If you wouldn't mind, that'd be a great help. I don't mind. I insist. (THUNDER RUMBLES) It was like a light bulb. The second I saw you mooning at him. You're planning Tess's wedding to the man you're in love with. You're stuck in this love triangle and are one monogrammed party favour away from blowing your brains out. You're stuck in this love triangle and are one monogrammed party favour away from blowing your brains out. That is ridiculous! 'Course you can't tell him because you're Nice Jane. You don't know what you're talking about. He's my boss. She's my sister. I am thrilled to be planning their wedding. Like I have been for every wedding that I've been a part of. But you can't understand that cos you're... mean, and dark and cynical. Well, that's your problem, pal, not mine. "Pal"? "Pal"? "Hey, pal. Pal." This is bad. You're calling me "pal." pal, not mine. "Pal"? "Pal"? "Hey, pal. Pal." This is bad. You're calling me "pal." Oh, will you just be quiet? You're mad. I just ruined the whole afternoon of you pining over somebody that you'll never have. Stop it! Stop. OK. Would you slow down just a little bit so I can read this sign? My Spidey vision's not working. Do you think you could slow down? little bit so I can read this sign? My Spidey vision's not working. Do you think you could slow down? Would you leave me alone! (TYRES SCREECH) Seriously. Crazy Lady, we're gonna hydroplane. Slow down. We are not gonna hydro... (TYRES SCREECH) Whoa! Whoa! We're hydroplaning. We're hydroplaning! (SCREAMS) We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! Don't say anything. (TYRES SCREECH) (THUNDER RUMBLES) You got anything? No. Uh... I said don't! Nothing. (EASY-LISTENING MUSIC) (TAPS PHONE) Excuse me. Uh, your pay phone's dead. Nice work. You're like one of those guys on CSI. Any chance we could use your phone? Could I get a scotch, three fingers, no ice, please? What are you doing? Well, it's late, we're not getting a tow, and we're in East Deliverance, New York. I'm gonna have a drink. Come on. There's nobody you can help right now. Why don't you just sit down, relax, have a drink? It's been a long day. Here you go. Fine! Just one! Ah! OK. February 12th, 2006. The Keller wedding. You wrote a column that moved me to tears. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever read. I don't remember it. How can you not remember that? It was the anniversary of the father's death. The brother flew home from Afghanistan. You cannot fake emotion like that. A good writer can. You're not that good. (EXHALES) Nice! (LAUGHS) There's gotta be one thing about weddings that you like. Open bar. No. All right. So when the bride comes in and she makes her giant, grand entrance I like to glance back at the poor bastard getting married. Cos even though I think he's an idiot for willingly entering into the last legal form of slavery, he always looks really, really happy. And, for some reason, I... What the hell are you looking at me like that for? Are you shitting me right now? What? That's my favourite part. Oh, my God. We have something in common. (LAUGHS) Yes. Well, statistically that was bound to happen. Uh-huh. I think you should just admit that you're a big softy. That this whole cynical thing is just an act so that you can seem wounded and mysterious and sexy. Whoa, whoa. What was that last one? What? Did you say sexy? What? Do you think I'm sexy? No. It's OK if you do. I don't. You think I'm a little sexy? No. I think you think you're sexy. You think I think I'm sexy? Yes. (INSTRUMENTAL) Great song. I love this song. # Hey, kids, shake it loose a lemon # (MUMBLES) ..gotta make a feather... (LAUGHS) Those are not the words. Those are exactly the words. Sorry, lyric police. What are the words? # You got a hairy hand to music so the walrus sounds... "Walrus sounds"? # Say, Penny's no longer in a cement jet... You're scaring me. # Ooh, but you're so laced down (BOTH) # Buh, buh, buh, buh Bennie and the Jets # Ooh, in the wind and the waterfall # Oh, baby, she's a "revocaine" # She's got electric boobs... Boobs?! # And mohair shoes # You know I read it in a magazine (BOTH) # Oh-ho # I love this song. # B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets (LAUGHS) # She's got electric boots, a mohair suit # You know I read it in a magazine, oh-ho # B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets (BOTH) # Bennie (CROWD) # Bennie (BOTH) # Bennie (CROWD) # Bennie (BOTH) # Bennie (CROWD) # Bennie (ALL) # Bennie and the Jets # These guys are rockin'! That was cool! Whoa! (GIGGLES) I cried like a baby at the Keller wedding. Mmm. (PATTER OF RAIN) Ah! (HORN HONKS) (GASPS) Morning, sunshine. Hi. Here you go. Thank you. Mmm. Tow truck's on its way. OK. I just want you to know... Well, you know, I never do this. Oh, I know. No, really. Never. I never do this. Really, I know. Last night, you kept saying it, over and over again. "I never do this. I never do this. I never do this." OK. I just wanted you to know. (WHISTLES) Ah. No, I do. It's true. Here's your order. Anything else? No, thank you. H-H-Hey! It's "Bennie and the Jets." Re... # B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets # B-Bennie # You guys! Oh. That was awesome. Oh, thanks. All right. I'll see you later. OK. Oh, my God. I sang "Bennie and the Jets" last night, didn't I? Mm-hmm. Very loudly. And, might I say, you were a little pitchy. I'm sorry. Me? What about you? You hit notes only dogs can hear. What?! Truly. Truly high-pitched. I was in key, though, right? My God. You're that girl! Yeah, I'm Bennie. He's the Jets. Hey, it's the girl from the paper. What paper? Shit! "Always, Always, Always a Bridesmaid by Malcolm Doyle"? What is this? Jane. Oh, my God! Let me...explain. Oh, my God. Jane. Jane! I told my editor not to run it. Nobody reads that section anyway. Come on. Will you please just - (SLAP!) What the hell happened? You said you were gonna hold it. You don't make those decisions. I do. I didn't even get a chance to tell her it was running. She was ambushed. I gave you 24 inches. The only thing you should be saying to me right now is "I love you." (FRUSTRATED GROAN) How could you let this happen to me? What? "If Jane is the prototypical, accommodating bridesmaid, then her sister, Tess, is the overbearing, overindulged bride-to-be, who at any moment might start stomping around Manhattan, breathing fire and swatting planes from the sky!" I had no idea he was writing an article about me. You?! He called me "Bridezilla" in the New York Frickin' Journal! I could tear him apart. I could tear him apart limb from limb. (PHONE RINGS) What?! Can I speak to Jane, please? The only person that you're gonna be speaking to is my attorney! And I don't even have an attorney, but I'm sure gonna get one! Asshole! Oh! I gotta get outta here. But you better alert Traffic Control cos Bridezilla's on the loose! (DOOR SLAMS SHUT) Kevin. Kevin. Kevin, stop calling me! Before you say anything, can you just... not say anything? I don't understand. To what are you referring? Oh, come on. It's no big deal. It's just an article... on the front page of the section with a million pictures of you on it. Who's upset? < Jane. Let me just explain. I had no idea what he was writing. Jane, the guy was a jerk. OK? He took advantage of you. Don't worry about it. I feel like I should've seen it coming. Sorry. Would you please stop apologising? The only reason I called you in here was to make sure that you're OK. Would you please stop apologising? The only reason I called you in here was to make sure that you're OK. Oh. Well, I've been better. I'm just trying to get through it. I wouldn't worry about it. Does anybody read that section? No. So after we hem it, I wouldn't - (BELL RINGS) Jane, is that you? Yep. We'll talk about it after. Hi. Hi. Hi, Sue. Hi. So, listen. I've been doing a lot of thinking about the article fiasco and I've decided to forgive you. You're just very trusting and it's not your fault, I guess. That's very big of you. Thank you. Are you checking me off your list? About the slide show, I know what I want you to say. So I wrote out a script. Dad says that you have all the family photos. So I'm gonna send you George's as well. Erm, here. Please say this and only this, cos we don't want to be embarrassed again. OK. You got it. (GASPS) Here it is. Step in. OK. Yep. There you go. It's beautiful. You might have to unbutton that back. One second. OK. Perfect. So what do you think? I... I thought you were wearing Mom's dress. It is Mom's dress. Well, parts of it. It was so old fashioned. So we could use a few pieces here and there. Parts? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like this, and the lace. You cut up Mom's wedding dress? Well, technically Mary-Ella did. Don't worry, we saved you the rest. I mean, if you want, you can wear this, as long as a silhouette's still in fashion. Mary-Ella, I think just the bottom needs to be hemmed a little bit. No. No, no, no, no. No! You don't have to wear it. You don't care about anyone but yourself. I made excuses for you cos Mom died when you were little. Enough! I have no idea what you're talking about. I can't undo what you've just done. But I won't let you hurt George. All George knows are the lies you've told him. You even had Pedro keep a secret from George. You tell him the truth right now! He is not one of your Eurotrash boyfriends. He is a good person. And you cannot start a relationship based on lies. Really? And you know this because of all your successful relationships? relationship based on lies. Really? And you know this because of all your successful relationships? You tell him the truth, or I will. No, you won't. You wouldn't hurt a fly. And you wouldn't hurt me. I'm your sister. That was yesterday. Today you're a bitch who broke my heart and cut up my mother's dress. It wouldn't have fit you anyway. Oh, Jane. You look wonderful. Good for you. It must be hard to watch your little sister get married before you. Yes. Yes, it is. But then I remember that I still get to have hot hate sex with random strangers and I feel so much better. Enjoy the party. Whoo! You clean up good. I might even be into you. OK. It's on the desktop under "Tess and George." OK. You OK? Yep. That's not water. OK. OK. Hi. Jane, thank you so much for doing all this. It's great. Sure. Hors d'oeuvre? Oh, look. Pigs in a blanket. Want one, Tess? No. I don't eat that stuff, Jane. Right. That's right. Got it. (MUFFLED) Well, I'm gonna go do the slide show. Jane. Mmm? You're only gonna say what I wrote, right? Of course. The perfect bridesmaid always does what she's asked. Not getting cold feet, are you? With this one? Never. (TAPS GLASS) Hey, everybody. In case you haven't read, I've been to my fair share of weddings. (LAUGHTER) So, to start things off, I thought you should all know the truth about Tess and George. (CLEARS THROAT) "Tess and George are a perfect couple." "No, a divine couple. A couple whose love is the stuff of myths." "Their compatibility is so exact that it can only be described as having been designed by the gods." "Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I put together a slide show so you can all see for yourselves." "From the very beginning, Tess and George were destined for each other." (LAUGHTER) "George and Tess have always shared a love of God's furry creatures." (LAUGHTER) "As they grew up, they both shared the same level of dedication and commitment to their education." (GASPS) Nice. And civic responsibility. # So happy together... Oh, my! "He was interested in international affairs." "And so was she." "And today, Tess and George still share the same values." # Me and you, and you and me... "Their love is based on a deep understanding, and acceptance of who the other person really is." # So happy together # Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah... "The love of two true soul mates, Tess and George." So here's to the most perfect couple brought together by destiny. I'm so proud of you, Baby Sister. OK. OK. All right. Well, that was... Yeah. So, erm,... to keep the merriment going George's "little brother" Pedro wanted to say a few words. Pedro. So, safe to say you're not a vegetarian. George, that was taken a really long time ago. Why exactly were you wearing your engagement ring then? Thank you. As all you know, George is my big brother. But he's more than that. He's my best friend. And now George has Tess, who's really, really, really cool, cos she's gonna help me start my own cleaning business. Oh. Tess told me not to tell you, George, but I'm so excited. So I'm only doing George's place right now. But if anyone is in the market for a really good cleaning service, please see me in the lobby. Thank you. (APPLAUSE) That's great. No, it's not. George. George, wait, please. Let me explain. So what happened? He needed to know the truth. You could've told him face-to-face. I mean, I know that my moral compass doesn't exactly point due north, but if I say something's wrong, something's wrong. You're the one who is always telling me to stand up for myself. Yeah. But that's not what you did. What you did was unleash 20 years of repressed feelings in one night. It was entertaining, don't get me wrong, but if it was the right thing to do, you'd feel better right now. Do you feel better right now? The wedding's off. I hope you're happy. Oh God. What? Why are you here? You wouldn't return my calls. What do you want? Another picture? Jane, I'm sorry. Believe me. You used me to get ahead in your career. Be a man and admit it. Or don't. But please don't pretend that you give a shit. Will you just please let me explain? No, it doesn't matter. I just destroyed my life, and I didn't need your help to do it. Great! Finally. I saw what you did in there. And I thought it was amazing. Was it certifiably nuts? Yes, it was. But you did something. For the first time, you were not just the perfect bridesmaid. Stop. I'm not doing this. I don't even know why I'm talking to you. Let me tell you. Look. Come here. Listen to me. Do you want to know the real reason why I came? Because I knew this was gonna be hard for you. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to be there for somebody. All right. I messed up. I did. I'm sorry. I'm gonna walk away. I'm gonna vanish. You'll never see me again. But I want you to know that I think you deserve... I think you deserve more than what you've settled for. I do. I think you deserve to be taken care of for a change. I believe that. Ah. I forgot to give you this. It's a gift... so you don't have to carry around that crazy Filofax from 1987. This will take care of all the stuff you need to do. Perfect for starting over. OK. Will you take it, please, so I don't feel like such a jerk? # Don't let your mind get weary and confused # Your will be still Don't try # Don't let your heart get heavy, child, inside you # There's a strength that lies... The story got a phenomenal response. Looks like you got yourself bumped from Commitments. That's great. Kevin, be happy. You got what you wanted, right? # Don't let your soul get lonely, child # It's only time it will go by # All I'm saying is you two are sisters. You have got to work this out. She doesn't want to talk. No, no. She loves you. Everything is gonna be fine. OK. If you just - Dad? What the hell is she doing here? Tess, this is between you and her. I'm out of this. You know, Flo, have you seen the new weed whackers we've got out front? The latest model. I feel terrible. I'm so sorry for what happened. Sorry?! You humiliated me and you think you could just say sorry? I-I know. But - Jane, you were always jealous of me. What? Always! My clothes! My boyfriends! Stop it! You've been waiting for the chance to tear me down. That's not true. You took the one thing that was finally working out. Oh, please! This is so typical. You're not taking any responsibility for the fact that you lied to George. You manipulated him. Put down the bug spray! Did you even love him? Or was it just convenient? Oh, please, Jane. Get off your high horse. Just admit it. You resent me because you're the one who always had to braid my hair, make my Halloween outfits and go shopping for my prom dress. I have never resented any of that. Yes, you have. You always thought that my life was so easy. It was! It is! You have never had a care in the world. You're beautiful, fun. Your life is perfect. Perfect?! Are you crazy? You have no idea. Want to know the real reason why I decided to stay? I got fired from my job. And to top it off, Rudolfo dumped me. He dumped me. And then George came along, and he was nice to me. And he treated me well. And I just wanted to be someone that he wanted. I was trying to be someone who deserved him, someone he'd respect. I was trying to be you. Why? Why would you want to be me when you get to be you? (SIGHS) This is a mess. I know. You've been trying to take care of me ever since Mom died. I had to. No, you didn't have to. But if I don't then - But if you don't... then you'll just be my sister, which is what it should be. Maybe when I was young you needed to help me out. But now? You gotta stop taking care of me, of everybody. (RUNNING WATER) (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Hi. Yeah. Yeah. It's no problem. No, of course. Yeah, I'll be right there. OK. OK, bye. Wow. You look... You look great. So I guess you did need to find me a date for this benefit after all. I guess so. George, before we go anywhere, I want to apologise for last night. I shouldn't have done what I did. Look, you did me a favour. It's not your fault I was about to marry someone I barely knew. What the hell was I thinking, right? So what do you say we forget the whole thing? OK. If you're sure. I'm sure. Now, I hate to ask you for another favour but I need to print up my speech for tonight, and I cannot find the file. Oh, yeah. I can get it. Jane, I am so thankful that I could call you tonight. I can always count on you. You never say no. Which I love. What? Well, I... I just meant... I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong? (SIGHS) Oh, God. George,... I quit. Yeah. I quit. What do you mean, you quit? When I came here after college, I was blown away by this company and you. I got so caught up in the job that I never bothered to get my own life. I got too comfortable to leave. Then I had to be here every day to see you cos I was in love with you. Yeah. Horrible. Crazy, crazy crush. Crazy. But you'll be fine, George. You will. You'll get somebody in this position who will stay for two years max, because that's what's acceptable - I-I'm sorry. Really sorry. I don't know. It just kind of, like, all of a sudden. No. It's OK. I've always wanted to know what that would feel like. And? Nothin'. I didn't feel a thing. Ouch. That hurts. (LAUGHS) Maybe we can give it another try. Yeah. OK. Nope. Not even a blip. You? Mmm. If I'm being honest, not really. Yeah. That's not what it's supposed to feel like. When you're with the person you're meant to be with it should feel... (PHONE RINGS) Wait. What is that? I gotta go. How many sick days do you think we can take without getting in trouble? If we took four in a row, we could take a week off and go to Cancun. Excuse me. Hello? Do you know where Kev,... Malcolm Doyle is? He's covering his last wedding. Hey. You're the girl from the article. You're famous. Yeah. Taxi? Pier 17. Oh, my God. Only got one dress tonight, Ziggy. So just go. Oh, come on! Just go! (GROANS) Good luck! Thanks, Ziggy. Where's the wedding? Straight down to the end. Oh, good. Well, I got it. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. (HORN BLARES) Hey, pull it back! All clear! Huh. (THUD!) Are you all right? I'm fine. Are you OK? I'm fine. Really. It's all good. Oh, my God. No way! No freaking way! You're the girl from the article. What are you doing here? Erm, well... OK. Long story short. There's this guy. Oh! OK. Tell me more. Tell me more. "Kevin?" (FEEDBACK) "Kevin Doyle?" Oh, my God. There he is. There he is. Erm, hi. Er... Erm... Come on. You can do it. Say it. OK. Er, I just wanted to say that you were right about me, about all of it. I just didn't want to hear it, especially not from you. Erm... Can we get a follow spot? Ah. There you are. Erm, OK. I've been waiting my whole life for the right guy to come along and then you showed up. And you are nothing like the man I imagined. You're... cynical... and cranky and impossible. But the truth is, fighting with you is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I think there's a very good chance that I'm falling in love with you. (MURMURING) So... that's it. That's all I had to say. So... I'll go now. Excuse me. Sorry. Yeah. Kevin, I just really, erm... Get over here. (APPLAUSE / CHEERING) # I wonder why it is # I don't argue like this # With anyone but you # I wonder why it is # I won't let my guard down # For anyone but you # So, tell me, what do you think makes this wedding special? Who are you? I write the Commitments column for the Journal. Maybe I could buy you a drink later. It's an open bar. I'll buy you one. Yes! Hi. God, look at how hot Tess looks. Think she'd go for me? I am a year older. I don't know. I'll put in the good word for you, big guy. All right? Hello. Hi. Erm, I'm the maid of honour. I, erm, live in Williamsburg with a roommate and I just started designing my own line of deeply fabulous handbags. And I'm completely broke. But that's OK. I eat a hamburger a day, and my idea of a pet is a rock. Well, it's very nice to meet you. Tess. Tess. Got it. Well, wait until you see the bride. She looks gorgeous. Ready? Everything's perfect. And this dress, the best thing is I can shorten it and wear it again. Definitely. So true. All right. OK. OK. (BLOW KISSES) OK. Ready? Yes. 'That day, I woke up and put on my 28th dress.' 'I went to a wedding where no one asked me to hold the bouquet, fold a place card or hold their dress while they peed.' 'Everything was perfect. And I didn't care because right then, the only thing that mattered was the person waiting for me at the end of the aisle.' 'And he was looking at me the way I'd always hoped.' So is this moment everything you hoped for? No. It's more. It's much more. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Jane Nichols and Kevin Doyle in holy matrimony. Marriage is a cause for celebration. 'It turns out I was right about one thing ` 'I knew they'd all be there for me someday.' # Now I really see love. # Love. # Has fallen on me. # Oh, what tender love you bring! # Love. # No, it's not a game. # Has fallen on me. # Oh, what tender love you bring... I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. # Hey... (APPLAUSE) # What tender love you bring! # I fell in love with you, # fell in love with you. # One day in September, # love came tumbling down on me. # One day in September, # love came tumbling down on me. # One day in September, # love came tumbling down on me. # One day in September, # love came tumbling down on me. # Love is a burning inside. # I've never had this feeling before, no. All I know is that it won't let me be myself. # Hey. # Is this really love? # Oh, maybe that's the reason I feel so good # when you're around. # Feel so good when you're around. # Why can't I remember # the day I melted before your charms. # Oh, was it way back in September # when you held me in your arms. # Now that I see that you're the one for me. # It's no more a mystery. # Love has fallen down on me. # Ooh, I'm in love with you. # Love # has fallen on me. # Now I really see # love # has fallen on me. # Ooh, what tender love you bring! # Love # has fallen on me. # And I can't believe my eyes. # Love. # One day in September. # Has fallen on me. # Oh, oh, oh. Love came fallin' all around. # I fell in love with you. # Fell in love with, # ooh. # One day in September,