1 D'OH! (YELLS) EERIE MUSIC Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH. Able 2012. # 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY. # MID-JUNE? (CHATTERING) KIDS, THIS IS THE HOLIEST NIGHT OF THE YEAR. TOMORROW IS FATHER'S DAY, AND THAT MAKES TONIGHT FATHER'S DAY EVE. # JOY TO THE WORLD # # A FATHER'S BORN # # LET ME RECEIVE GREAT GIFTS. # DAD, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FATHER'S DAY EVE. NO FATHER'S DAY EVE? DOES THIS MEAN THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS... DADDY CLAUS? FINE, THERE'S A DADDY CLAUS. IS THERE A SUPER BOWL BUNNY? SURE, WHY NOT? (GLEEFUL GIGGLING) BART, LISA. WE'VE GOT TO GET TO THE MALL BEFORE IT CLOSES. OH, CAN I COME WITH YOU? I KNOW I CAN'T. (GIGGLING) HEY, MOM, CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY TO BUY DAD A PRESENT? IF I GIVE YOU MONEY, HOW IS THE GIFT REALLY FROM YOU? WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR MONEY? HERE'S A TEN. MAKE YOUR OWN CARD. (GLEEFUL GIGGLING) NOW, RALPHIE, LET ME EXPLAIN IT TO YOU AGAIN. I GIVE YOU $5 AND YOU BUY DADDY A PRESENT. OKEY DOKEY. HEY, HEY, GIVE ME THAT. EWW... WHOA, THIS IS A 50. THIS KID'S FINALLY PAYING OFF. ALL RIGHT, RALPHIE, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH A HUNDRED. COME ON, RALPHIE. BIG MONEY. BIG MONEY, RALPHIE. BIG MONEY. ("THUS SPAKE ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYING) COOL. THAT'S WHAT I'M GETTING. HOW 'BOUT YOU? I'M AFRAID THE BEST THING I COULD FIND IS THIS. AY CARAMBA. YOU KNOW, THIS MASS-PRODUCED JUNK DOESN'T EXPRESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT DAD. I AM MAKING HIM A PRESENT THAT COMES FROM THE HEART. HELLO. I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING IN A PIPE CLEANER, EXTRA BENDY, WITH MEDIUM FUZZ. MM-HMM. THIS JUST CAME IN FROM ZANZIBAR. OH. MM-HMM. HOMER: WHAT A GREAT FATHER'S DAY! HERE YOU GO, DAD. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. I'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT IT IS. (GASPS) A LEATHER BUDDY. THERE'S NO LIMIT TO WHAT I CAN DO WITH THIS. FEAR NOT, M'LADY, CAPTAIN DASH SUPERSTUD IS HERE WITH HIS SMALL TOOL. (ALL YELLING) (GRUNTING) ARR. THIS IS THE WORST FATHER'S DAY EVER. (GROANS) OH, CAPTAIN, YOU'RE SO HANDY. BART, THIS IS THE GREATEST PRESENT I EVER RECEIVED. TO OPEN ANOTHER GIFT NOW WOULD BE LIKE FOLLOWING THE LONDON PHILHARMONIC WITH JESSICA SIMPSON. WHAT YOU GOT, LISA? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? MM. THE UNICORNS ARE YOU AND ME, DAD. I DREW IT MYSELF. LISA: WHAT DO YOU THINK? HUH? HUH? PRETTY HEARTFELT, HUH? HUH?! OH, IT'S HEARTFELT. THERE'S NO ESCAPING THAT. (CHUCKLES): THANKS, HONEY. YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT, DID YOU? NO, NO, NO, IT'S GREAT. I'M DONE WITH IT NOW. LISA, SWEETIE, I THINK YOUR FATHER WOULD LIKE TO PUT YOUR BOOK UP ON THE FRIDGE WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE HOW NICE IT IS. AW, ISN'T THAT CUTE? OH, DAD... HOW COULD YOU? WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT. LOUSY MAGNET! (SOBBING): OH, NO, NO. WHAT THE... "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD! FROM LISA." D-OHH! (GROANS) I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HER FEELINGS CAN BE HURT. IT'S MY DAY. SHE'S NOT GOING TO GET OVER THIS QUICKLY. I KNOW WOMEN. YEAH, BUT I KNOW HOW TO WIN WOMEN BACK. I EVEN WON YOU BACK AFTER I LOST OUR WEDDING ALBUM IN A BAR BET. YOU WHAT? I MEAN, I WILL WIN YOU BACK. (TO MELODY OF "WEDDING MARCH"): # HERE COMES THE MOE # # WITH A PRETTY GIRL # # 'CAUSE THESE ARE THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE. # MM-HMM. HEY, MOE, CAN WE GET A DRINK? AW, SHUT UP AND HAND ME MORE MOE HEADS. (GRUMBLING) (HUMMING DITTY) HMM? COOL, I'M A STREET. HEY, SIMPSON, ARE YOU GONNA STEAL THE SIGN? YEAH, IF A SIGN'S GOT YOUR NAME ON IT, YOU CAN TAKE IT, AND THE COPS CAN'T DO NOTHING ABOUT IT. IT'S LIKE THE SIXTH AMENDMENT OR SOMETHING. WELL, THAT SIGN WOULD LOOK GOOD HIDDEN UNDER MY BED. WHOA. CAN WE DISH OUT THE PEER PRESSURE, OR WHAT? HUH! HEY, MILHOUSE! COOL KIDS RIDE BIKES WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED. MILHOUSE: I'M COOL! (TRAIN HORN HONKS, BELLS DING) (THUD) I'M OUT OF HERE. I'VE GOT HEBREW SCHOOL. BARUCH ATA ADONAI ELOHEEM MELECH H'OLOM... I'M SORRY I MADE YOU FEEL BAD, HONEY. BUT I'M GONNA SHOW YOU JUST HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. ONE ADULT AND ONE BABY, PLEASE. I'M NOT A BABY. A BABY IS ZERO TO TWO. HER FIRST WORDS. PLAY ALONG. IT'S 50 CENTS LESS FOR BABIES. I'D RATHER NOT GO THAN LIE. HOW YOU DOING? SO... IS THAT YOUR JACKET ON THE BACK OF THAT CHAIR? CHECK IT OUT. I STOLE THE SIGN. CHECK IT OUT. WE STOLE "THE SCREAM." PUT THAT AWAY. IT CREEPS ME OUT. (MUTTERING) STUPID DAD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS. OH LISA, MAY I BORROW ONE OF YOUR COLOURED PENCILS? SURE, THAT'S ALL YOU MEN DO, IS TAKE, AND TAKE, AND TAKE WITHOUT REGARD TO FEELINGS OR UNICORNS. (GRUNTS) HERE, TAKE MY LUNCH, TOO. JUST TAKE MY WHOLE BACKPACK! WHICH OF YOU BOYS HURLED LISA SIMPSON'S BACKPACK THROUGH MY WINDOW? OH, IT HAD TO BE A BOY, DID IT? YOU THINK A GIRL CAN'T FLIP OUT? WELL, YOU'RE WRONG! (LISA GRUNTING) MY FLEXI-CAST. YAH! (WHINNIES EXCITEDLY) LISA... I HOLD IN MY HAND A STICKER WITH A FROWNY FACE ON IT. DON'T MAKE ME AFFIX IT TO YOUR FILE. (MOCKINGLY): DON'T MAKE ME AFFIX IT TO YOUR FILE. I'M PEELING OFF THE BACK. DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS. MAY GOD FORGIVE ME. (ELECTRICITY SURGING) WILLIE, WE'VE GOT RATS CHEWING THROUGH THE WIRING AGAIN. LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M MAKING ME RAMEN NOODLES. EERIE MUSIC Captioned by 1 MR AND MRS SIMPSON, I'M AFRAID WE HAVE A REAL PROBLEM WITH LISA. (GLASS SHATTERS) YOUR DAUGHTER BROKE A WINDOW, UPENDED AN ASHCAN, AND HURLED A THERMOS-BRAND THERMOS ON TO THE STREET! DOES IT STILL KEEP HOT DRINKS HOT AND COLD DRINKS COLD? I'M AFRAID IT DOESN'T KEEP ANY DRINKS ANYTHING. (GASPS) I'VE ASKED THE SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST TO SHED SOME LIGHT ON YOUR DAUGHTER'S SUDDEN BURST OF INAPPROPRIATENESS. I'M AFRAID LISA'S RAGE STEMS FROM EXTRAORDINARY DISILLUSIONMENT WITH A PARENTAL FIGURE. IN THIS CASE, HER FATHER. OH, SURE, IT'S EASY TO POINT OUT MY FAULTS. IT'S A LITTLE HARDER TO SHUT UP. LOOKING AT YOUR DAUGHTER'S ESSAYS, THIS ISN'T A NEW TREND. "DADDY'S FACE-DOWN THANKSGIVING." "LEFT AT THE GRAND CANYON." "THE DAY A POLICEMAN CAME TO MY SOCCER GAME." MR. SIMPSON, LISA IS AT A CRUCIAL JUNCTURE. IF SHE DOESN'T SEE HER FATHER AS A POSITIVE ROLE MODEL, SHE COULD HATE MEN FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. OH, I KNOW! BUT HOW CAN I UNDO EIGHT YEARS OF JERKINESS IN TWO EASY SESSIONS, AT NO COST TO ME? IF, UH, I MAY MAKE A SUGGESTION? THE SCHOOL IS LOOKING FOR A NEW "SAFETY SALAMANDER." WHEN LISA SEES YOU TEACHING CHILDREN TO AVOID DOWNED POWER LINES, IT COULD RESTORE HER FAITH IN YOU AND THE MALE GENDER. OH, I DON'T KNOW. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST SAFETY SALAMANDER? UM, HE FELL ASLEEP IN THE SUIT AND SUFFOCATED. I CAN DO THAT! OKAY, LISA, TIME FOR DADDY'S BIG SURPRISE! (HOMER GROWLS; LISA SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) SOMETIMES IT'S SCARY WHEN YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE, ISN'T IT, SWEETIE? I GUESS. YEAH. NOW, I'M OFF TO BRING SAFETY TO SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY AND WIN BACK YOUR LOVE! WHOA! UGH! WHAT'S THAT, HONEY? I CAN'T HEAR YOU VERY WELL. (GURGLING) SALAMANDER AWAY! (CRASHING) (CAT YOWLS) SORRY, BART! HOMER: THE FIRST RULE OF BUS SAFETY IS ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEATBELT. SCHOOL BUSES DON'T HAVE SEATBELTS. THEN WHAT PROTECTS YOU IF WE CRASH? A METAL BAR AT TOOTH LEVEL. STOP THIS BUS! (TYRES SCREECHING; METAL CLANKING) (KIDS GROANING) MILHOUSE: MY TEETH! LOOK, LISA-- I MADE SAFETY HAPPEN. (GROANS) HOMER: SAFETY TIP 99: ALWAYS DOUBLE-BOLT YOUR EASEL. (SNAPPING) OW! SON OF... (PANTING) UH... QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? ARE YOU A GIRL? CAUSE I DON'T SEE A SALA-WIENER. (LAUGHING) DID I HEAR "WHERE ARE THE FIREWORKS?" 'CAUSE HERE THEY ARE! (AUDIENCE "OOHING") (SCREAMING) (HOMER JOINS SCREAMING) EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF! TRAMPLE IF YOU MUST! (PANICKED SCREAMS) (FIRE ALARM BLARING; HOMER PANICKING) (KIDS STRAINING) (HOMER SOBBING) SAFETY! SAFETY! DIE FOR SAFETY! (GROANING SOBS) (SIREN WAILS) SO, SWEETIE, AM I YOUR HERO AGAIN? JANEY'S FATHER JUST TAKES HER TO THE ZOO ONCE A MONTH. COULDN'T YOU BE THAT KIND OF DAD? NOW, HONEY, YOU KNOW DADDY'S NOT ALLOWED IN THE ZOO ANYMORE. OH, YEAH. BUT I'LL NEVER STOP TRYING TO REDEEM MYSELF IN YOUR EYES. HOW DID YOU DO THAT? I DON'T KNOW. I SAID, TURN LEFT ON BART BOULEVARD! I'M TELLIN' YOU THERE T'AIN'T NO BART BOULEVARD! FORGET IT. BABY'S ALREADY OUT. JUST GET OUT YOUR HUNTIN' KNIFE AND CUT THE "UMBRELLICAL" CORD. YES'M. (TYRES SCREECHING; CRASHING) HEY! WATCH IT! OW! THIS IS KENT BROCKMAN, LIVE AT THE SCENE OF THE WORST ACCIDENT IN SPRINGFIELD HISTORY. BUT NOT TO WORRY, THE CITY'S EMERGENCY SERVICES ARE ON THE WAY. (SIRENS WAILING) (CRASHING) (CRASHING AND SCREAMING) CAN WE ALL AGREE NOT TO GET OUR INSURANCE INVOLVED? COME ON, PEOPLE. BE COOL. SPRINGFIELD NEEDS A HERO, AND IT NEEDS ONE NOW! THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR A DAD TRYING TO WIN BACK HIS DAUGHTER'S LOVE! I'M FOREVER INDEBTED TO YOU... AND MY MANY CREDITORS. WE WERE CAR POOLING-- AND THAT'S IT! MY MOTHER'S STILL IN THE CAR! NO, SHE'S NOT. HA-HA! THREE CHEERS FOR OUR NEW HERO! ONLY THREE? OKAY, SIX! THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! HIP-HIP HURRAY! HIP-HIP HURRAY! OH, PLEASE, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME. I HEREBY AWARD YOU SPRINGFIELD'S HIGHEST HONOUR: THE KEY CARD TO THE CITY. NOW, ANY NEW BUSINESS? MR. MAYOR, YOUR ADMINISTRATION HAS BEEN ONE FIASCO AFTER ANOTHER! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? YOUR PRESS SECRETARY. I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE HIRED MY NEPHEW. I AM YOUR NEPHEW. OKAY, SO I STINK. TOUGH TOBLERONE. READ THE CHARTER, PEOPLE: I CANNOT BE REMOVED FROM OFFICE. EXCEPT BY A SIMPLE RECALL ELECTION... ERR, UH, DISREGARD THAT LAST PART. ALL (CHANTING): RECALL! RECALL! RECALL! RECALL! RECALL! RECALL! RECALL! RECALL! RECALL! PARROTS: (SQUAWKING): RECALL! RECALL! RECALL! MAYOR DIAMOND JOE QUIMBY HAS SURVIVED 12 RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGNS, COUNTLESS ACCUSATIONS OF INFIDELITY, BRIBERY, EXTORTION, AND HIS BIZARRE ATTEMPT TO HIJACK A 747. TAKE THIS PLANE ANYWHERE GIRLS ARE GOING WILD. BUT THE MAYOR MAY HAVE A TOUGHER TIME GETTING PAST NEXT MONTH'S SPECIAL RECALL ELECTION. OVER 200 CANDIDATES HAVE FILED, INCLUDING YOURS TRULY, KENT BROCKMAN. IN OTHER NEWS, A COMMON HOUSEHOLD FABRIC CAN KILL YOU! FIND OUT WHICH ONE WHEN YOU VOTE FOR KENT BROCKMAN. DEAR GOD, EVERY WACKO, NUTCASE AND DISCO STU IN THIS TOWN IS GONNA RUN AGAINST ME. JUST IMAGINE-- ME, THE MAYOR! THEN NOBODY WOULD LAUGH AT MY SINGIN'! # I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN... I AM SO SCREWED. VOTE LUIGI! I MAKE-A THE GOOD GOVERNMENT, JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE. VOTE FOR ME, A STEROID-ABUSING, POT-SMOKING, WOMAN-GROPING, SON-OF-A NAZI, WASHED-UP, HAS-BEEN MOVIE STAR! (CHEERING) OH, ALSO, I BELIEVE WE SHOULD KEEP AN OPEN MIND TOWARDS STEM CELL RESEARCH. (CROWD BOOING) (WOLFCASTLE GROANS, LOUD, ANGRY CHATTERING) THIS ELECTION IS OUT OF CONTROL. SOMEONE TERRIBLE COULD WIN! IF YOU'RE LAME ENOUGH TO VOTE, VOTE FOR ME. ANNOUNCER: JIMBO: TOUGH ON NERDS, TOUGHER ON DORKS. DAD, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING. WHAT CAN I DO? I'M ONLY ONE MAN. LINCOLN WAS ONLY ONE MAN. ARE YOU SURE THERE WASN'T A MIDGET IN HIS HAT? I READ AN E-MAIL THAT SAID THERE WAS. LOOK, AS THE SAFETY SALAMANDER, YOU ARE BELOVED BY ALL. AND IF YOU WERE THE MAYOR, WE COULD MAKE SURE THAT ONLY GOOD PEOPLE, LIKE ME, TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. HMM. I WILL RUN FOR MAYOR! AND I WILL BE YOUR CAMPAIGN MANAGER! AND I'LL FIND OUT WHAT A MAYOR DOES! EXPAND MY BRAIN, LEARNING JUICE! Able 2012. 1 OH, I HATE PRESS CONFERENCES. HOMIE, YOU MIGHT SCORE MORE POINTS IF YOU DIDN'T WEAR THAT SALAMANDER SUIT. YOU LOOK LIKE THE MASCOT FOR SOME HORRIBLE SOUTHERN COLLEGE. MARGE, WITHOUT THIS OUTFIT, I'M JUST HOMER SIMPSON, MULTIPLE FELON. WITH IT, I'M A COSTUMED HERO, LIKE GEORGE WASHINGTON OR DAME EDNA. (CHEERING, FANFARE PLAYS) TODAY MARKS A NEW DAWN FOR SPRINGFIELD. THIS SALAMANDER IS SITTING ON EGGS LABELLED "ELDER CARE," "FLEX-TIME," AND "DOWNTOWN PEDESTRIAN MALL." AND THOSE EGGS ARE READY TO HATCH! (CHEERING) NOW, I WILL TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS. UH, WHAT SPECIAL POWERS WOULD A SALAMANDER BRING TO THE OFFICE OF MAYOR? WELL, THERE'S MY X-RAY VISION, MY FIRE BREATH, AND I CAN GET BIG LAUGHS WITH TENNIS BALLS. BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP. BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP. (LAUGHTER) WOW! I DIDN'T KNOW SALAMANDERS COULD DO ALL THOSE THINGS. AND TO THINK, FOR ALL THESE YEARS, I'VE BEEN A GECKO MAN. TAKE A HIKE, JERK. MR. SIMPSON, WHAT ABOUT THOSE PHOTOS OF YOU STRANGLING YOUR CHILD? WHY SHOULD WE LET THIS ELECTION BE INFLUENCED BY A PHOTO TAKEN HOURS AGO? (CHEERING) NOW, RESTAURANT MATCHBOOKS FOR EVERYONE! CROWD (CHANTING): SALA-MANDER! SALA-MANDER! SAL... HOMER, YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT. YOU'RE WAY AHEAD IN THE POLLS. EVEN THOSE NEGATIVE CAMPAIGN ADS AREN'T HURTING YOU. SIMPSON BARELY EVEN COMES INTO WORK ANYMORE. HE PAYS A HOMELESS MAN TO DO IT FOR HIM. I, UM... I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD, BLUE. (LAUGHS) HEY, PEOPLE MAY NOT LOVE HOMER SIMPSON, BUT THEY LOVE THIS SUIT. (CHUCKLES) JUST LIKE THEY LOVE THEIR STUPID AMERICAN FLAG. (LOUD GULPING) OH, WHAT'S THAT SMELL? IT'S THE SMELL OF IMPENDING VICTORY. (RETCHING) DID YOU JUST VOMIT IN THAT SUIT? A LITTLE. OH! HAVE YOU CLEANED THAT SUIT ONCE SINCE YOU GOT IT? NO, BUT I SWAM IN IT. UGH! I'D BETTER WASH THAT THING. IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHERE THE SUIT ENDS AND YOU BEGIN. YEAH. BUT AREN'T YOU GON' HAVE FUN FINDING OUT? NO! (CLUCKING) THAT'S WEIRD. STARTED OFF AS AN EGG. OUR NEXT QUESTION GOES TO ELEANOR ABERNATHY, ALSO KNOWN AS THE CRAZY CAT LADY. UH, CAT LADY, HOW WOULD YOU BOOST THE CITY'S COMMERCIAL TAX BASE? (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) SMALL BUSINESS INCENTIVES... (GIBBERISH CONTINUES) CORPORATE ACCOUNTABILITY. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) CATS IN EVERYONE'S PANTS! ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, CAT LADY. SEE YOU IN THE SPIN ROOM. (MUMBLING): OKAY, OKEY DOKEY... YEAH. OUR NEXT QUESTION IS FOR THE SAFETY SALAMANDER. (CHEERING) SIR, HOW WOULD YOU RESTORE OUR CITY'S CRUMBLING INFRASTRUCTURE? THAT'S AN EXCELLENT QUESTION, KENT. FIRST OF ALL... WHAT THE...? IT MUST HAVE SHRUNK WHEN MY WIFE WASHED IT! WHY WITHOUT HIS COSTUME, HE'S NAUGHT BUT A MAN! HEY, SCREW THIS. I'M NOT GONNA LET ANY HUMAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO. THAT'S RIGHT. I AM A MAN. THE MAN WHO DRESSED LIKE A SALAMANDER TO WIN BACK HIS DAUGHTER'S LOVE. LET'S MEET HER NOW. UH, WELL, MY SON IS HERE, TOO. LET'S MEET HIM NOW. BART: HERE'S... BART! WASSUP? (SING-SONGY) BORING! WE'RE SICK OF YOU AND YOUR HATCHLINGS! (ALL BOOING) PLEASE, STOP THROWING FRUIT! OH! (WOOZY WHIMPER) (THUDDING) KENT BROCKMAN: OUR EXIT POLLS SHOW NO CANDIDATE ATTAINED THE FIVE PERCENT NECESSARY TO WIN, AND MAYOR JOE QUIMBY WILL KEEP HIS JOB, WHICH I DIDN'T WANT ANYWAY. YOUR LOSS, JACKASSES. (GROANING) WELL, DAD, YOU TRIED TO MAKE THIS TOWN A BETTER PLACE, AND NO MATTER WHAT, THAT MAKES YOU MY HERO. AW, THANKS. NOW HOW ABOUT A DANCE WITH YOUR DADDY? (BLUE DANUBE WALTZ PLAYS) I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST AFTER BEN AFFLECK CAMPAIGNED DAY AND NIGHT FOR ME. LISA: YEAH, I WARNED YOU ABOUT THAT. OOP! BE CAREFUL OF MY TAIL. YOU DON'T HAVE A TAIL ANY MORE. I KNOW. I... I STILL FEEL IT. OOH! IT'S SO ITCHY! (HOMER GROANING AND MUMBLING) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2012.