(HOWLING) (LONG, DESPERATE HOWL) (WOLF HOWL IN DISTANCE) (HOWL!) Come, sorrow, we welcome thee. Let us join in grief. Rejoice in despair and honour the fortunate dead. Dearly beloved. (MIAOW!) Shh! (PLAYS "ADDAMS FAMILY" THEME ON ORGAN) Nnnggh! Nnnnngh!! Eeeeeeeagh! Good show, old man! Gomez? Gomez? Cara mia? Marvellous news. I'm going to have a baby. Right now. How close are the contractions? How close are the contractions? Every 15 seconds. Are you in unbearable pain? Is it inhuman? Darling, is it torture?! Oui... Then Mommy kissed Daddy and the angels told the stork,... ..and the stork flew down from heaven... ..and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch. And the diamond turned into a baby! Our parents are having a baby too. They had sex. Push, Mrs Addams! Push, Mrs Addams! Mm... Forceps! Forceps! Forceps! Forceps! AAAAGH! WAAAAAH! Would you like anaesthesia? No. But do ask the children. Cara mia! Cara mia! Mon cher! Mrs Addams ` the baby? Mrs Addams ` the baby? Pardon. It's a boy! It's a boy! It's a girl. Gomez! Gomez! Father, what is it? It's an Addams! # "Addams Family Theme" I've arranged a little surprise, my dearest. I hope you like it. (CREAKS OPEN) Oh, Gomez! It's dark, it's depressing,... ..it's desolate. It says "toddler". It says "toddler". It's a dream. Come, cara mia. The Addams Cradle. (BABY CRIES) (BABY STOPS CRYING) (ROARS) Welcome home, my son. That's not true. That's not true. Is so. When you have a new baby, one of the other children has to die. Really? Really? It's tradition. One of us has to go. Which one? They only need one boy. He has my father's eyes. He has my father's eyes. Gomez, take those out of his mouth! Kitchy-kitchy coo! Kitchy-kitchy coo! Kitchy-kitchy coo! Kitchy-kitchy coo! A baby in the house. About time! Hey, kiddo! Did you see that? < He's a real devil! Pugsley, the baby weighs 10lbs, the cannonball 20lbs. Which will hit the stone path first? Which will hit the stone path first? I'm still on fractions. Which do you think? The cannonball? The cannonball? Good. But which one will bounce? The baby? Only one way to find out. Ready? One,... ..two, three! What a glorious evening! Rain? Cara mia! Cara mia! Oh, dear. (CLANG!!) (GRUNTS) Children,... why do you hate the baby? We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him. We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him. Especially his head. You think we love him more than you? Yes. Yes. Do you think when a new baby arrives one of you has to die? Yes. Yes. < Well, that's not true. (SIGHS) Not any more. It's just sibling rivalry! Gomez, do you remember what we were like?! I hated you! I despised you! I choked him ` he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator! I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his teeth! When he was asleep, I opened his skull and removed his brains! You did?! A-ha! A brother! Brother! Children, you see? (CHUCKLES) (LONG MOAN) Death! Death to the enemies of the People of the Republic! Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forward the evil one. # "French National Anthem" You have betrayed the people of France. You are evil incarnate! How do you plead? (PUGSLEY) Guilty! By her own admission! The sentence is death! Executioner, place her on the block. One... ..two... < (MORTICIA) What are you doing? < (MORTICIA) What are you doing? (BOTH) Playing! Three! Woe to the Republic. Look at you! Midnight. Moonlight. Surrounded by death! It's been too long. < Do it! (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) You missed! < Here, catch! < I don't want him! < I don't want him! (GLASS SMASHING) One house, three children. So many windows. Darling, you worry me ` the stress, the squabbling. I'll be fine. I'm just a modern woman, trying to have it all. A loving husband, a family. It's just I wish I had more time to... ..seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade. That's all. You can! You shall! So it must be. (GLASS SMASHING) But how? As your new nanny, I know we are all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires. Prevent them? 'Alright, children.' I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question. Where is that baby? Which part? 'Hello, kiddies!' I'm Polly the Puppet! What shall we do today?! I know! Let's all clean our rooms! Hello, Polly. I'll clean my room ` in exchange for your immortal soul. (LOUD KNOCK) Hi! Addams residence? Ooh, it's old! And big! < Lurch? Hi! Hi, I'm Debbie Jellinsky, from the agency. But they claimed no-one else could come. They suggested a doberman. Surprise! I've been away. Are you the mom? I am Mrs Addams. I love your dress! It's so tight! Thank you. Gomez! I believe we may have a new nanny. Miss Jellinsky. Deb. Isn't he a lady killer?! Acquitted! I have references ` I'm not a homicidal maniac! Course you're not. Course you're not. You're too young. Welcome to our home. There's a belfry, a swamp,... ..and a dungeon down below. Cable? > Cable? > Of course. (Debbie!) Oh! Is that the little critter? Oh, no. This is our baby. He's adorable! What's his name? It was agony. We went through all the usual baby names. Lucifer. Benito. Mao. Then we came to our senses. Something a child could live with. Something a child could live with. Pubert. Something a child could live with. Pubert. Pubert... I like it. It's filthy! May I? Your dress, is it flammable? Your dress, is it flammable? You've had shots for measles, mumps, rabies? Oh! Oh, I just adore little babies! I love to squeeze 'em till there's not a breath left in their bodies! Hello, Pubert! I love you! (KNOCK AT DOOR) Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. What do we say? > Be afraid. Be very afraid. Look at you! All cooped up in this house with the baby! That's not easy, is it? No. I bet, sometimes, you wish it was still just the two of you. I bet, sometimes, you wish it was still just the two of you. Or less. Well, don't you worry. Everything's gonna be just fine. (I love them!) Thing! > Stop that. Stop that. He likes you! I'm good with my hands. What a wonderful family! Although, there's one fella... ..I haven't met yet! Hi there, mister. Your nephew? Your nephew? My brother. Your nephew? My brother. No! Fester! He's very shy. Fester, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. Hello, Fester! Where do you find these Addams men? It has to be damp... It has to be damp... I can't wait! I'll start tomorrow. Why not tonight? (DOOR IS BOLTED SHUT) < Goodnight, Debbie. Goodnight! Scream if you need anything. So, we've hired Miss Jellinsky! She's a gem! She's a gem! She's perfect! Oh, Fester, I'm such a lucky man. I hope someday you'll enjoy having children... ..and paying someone else to raise them. But first I'd get married. Oh, but you're just a boy! There's plenty of time. You'll meet someone. Someone special. Someone who won't press charges. Someone who won't press charges. Oh, I'd like that! You rascal! Oh, and what's this?! Mom! Mom! (THUNDERCLAP) (TV) Tonight on "America's Most Disgusting... ..Unsolved Crimes", we investigate the case of Ursula,... ..Carmen... ..and Nadine. Three women with one thing in common. MURDER!! They're the same woman ` known by police... ..as the Black Widow. She mates... and she kills. She finds only wealthy bachelors, gaining their trust and their love. And finally she marries them. On the wedding night, she kills them! The deaths appear accidental. She disappears, cash in hand. But the money never lasts... ..and she is hungry again. Hungry for cash, hungry for love! This mistress of disguise has eluded the authorities. Who is she? What seemingly innocent pose will she assume? All we can say is... ..bachelors beware. # I sometimes see you pass outside my door. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) # Hello. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) # Is it me you're looking for? # I can see it in your eyes. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) # I can see it in your smile, # and I want to tell you so much ` # I love you. # (VULTURES SCREECH) (GURGLES) We'll be out all morning. All the important numbers ` ..police, fire, morgue. Fester, come along! Goodbye, Fester! Say goodbye to Debbie. (MUMBLES) Have fun! Hmm... hm-hm-hmm... Fester Addams! My, my! Stocks and bonds, deeds,... ..gold bullion! (SQUEAK) Treasury bills, IRAs... (CREAK) What a strange old house. So drafty. Really no place for children. No place at all. Hold still, you little brat! Hold still, you little brat! He's not a brat. Of course not. He's an adorable little baby! Fine. Rub it in. We're ready for a walk! Would you like to come? Are you really a nanny? Are you really a nanny? What a question! Why did you come here? Why did you come here? Why, to take care of you. All of you! Especially my uncle? 'I shouldn't be telling you this.' They swore me to secrecy. The little angels! But they wanna go, it's all they talked about! They're just afraid to ask you, that you'll think they don't love you. Poor things! It is a bizarre request. It's horrifying. They've set their hearts on it. You need to know, as concerned parents. Oh, Gomez, what shall we do? How can we say no? Don't mention it to them! Just do it. I'm sure they'll deny everything, but they wanna go. God love 'em! Summer camp? Summer camp... Camp Chippewa. How charming. What's a chippewa? What's a chippewa? It's an old Indian word. What's a chippewa? It's an old Indian word. It means "orphan". Fresh air. The scent of pine. Wednesday, look at the little children,... ..their bright eyes, their eager, friendly smiles. Help them. Hi! I'm Amanda Buckman! Why are you dressed like that? Like you're going to a funeral? Why are you dressed like somebody died? Why are you dressed like somebody died? Wait. Hi! Don Buckman. Isn't this place something else? Very exclusive. A kid has to be special to get in here. Gifted ` Amanda has skipped two grades. How about your boy? How about your boy? Probation! We love Chippewa. Amanda couldn't wait, it's all she talked about! She got a whole new wardrobe! And this little lady? Wednesday's at that age when a girl has only one thing on her mind. Boys? Homicide. (WHISTLE) Attention! Hey, listen up! I'm Gary Granger! And I'm Becky Martin-Granger! We're the directors of Chippewa, America's top facility for... ..privileged young adults! ..privileged young adults! And we're all here to learn, to grow and to just plain have FUN! That's what being privileged is about! (SCREAMING) Mom, I-I don't like this. Mom, I-I don't like this. Oh, stop already! Look at you... Thelma, please. Leave him alone. I can't breathe! Stand up straight, please. Stand up straight, please. This is why he's sick... (ROMANTIC VIOLIN MUSIC) Can you breathe? "..and everyone at the ball turned and stared at Cinderella." "'Who is that beautiful woman?' they asked." "Even Prince Charming noticed her." "'Who are you?' he asked Cinderella." (DOOR CREAKS) "My name is Cinderella," she said to the Prince. "Could you tell me, who is that man over by the punch bowl?" "That... fascinating man. That oddly sensual man." "That man who makes me quiver under my bodice." "That bald man." She's driving me wild! She's driving me wild! Who? She's driving me wild! Who? Debbie! Even the sound of her name! Deb-bie! Isn't it beautiful? She makes me think of... vinyl ` chemicals! Has it happened at long last?! I think so! All these years, I've watched you and Morticia through windows, doors, ..keyholes ` I've been so happy for you! But I confess ` I've been jealous too! I've dreamed that some time, there'd be someone for me! There's Thing. There's Thing. I know, I know! But I want more! Legs, elbows, a head! Two legs? Dare I ask... ..Debbie to dinner? What if she says no ` or yes?!! Gomez, if I asked her, would you and Morticia come? Of course! (GULPS) Life-saving! I know we're all top-notch swimmers but now we get to show our stuff... ..and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first pair of life-saving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday? Is that your bathing suit? Is that your bathing suit? Is that your overbite (?) One'll be the drowning victim, the other our life-saver! I'll be the victim! I'll be the victim! All your life. I'm going to be an actress! I'm going to be an actress! Brava! Amanda, jump in, swim out a bit and start drowning. Help me! Help me! I'm drowning! Help me! I'm dying!! I can't swim. (PLAYING A TANGO) It's our favourite bistro. We've been coming here for years. It's our favourite bistro. We've been coming here for years. Of course, it has been redone. It's just lovely. Isn't it, Fester? Fester? (MUMBLES) It's a quaint French custom. Sharing half-eaten bread. Sharing half-eaten bread. Fester is truly continental. He spent many years abroad. He spent many years abroad. He speaks 12 languages,... ..fluently. I could tell. When I first saw him, I thought he was from Europe! You did? You did? It's true! You did? It's true! But I took a bath! Fester's a wonderful man. He's just terribly shy. Really? I can't tell ` does he like me at all? Of course he does. He vomited. True. Does he always do that with women he likes? Oh, no. Just you. Do you think she minded? Do you think she minded? Of course not! She adores you. I'm making such a mess of things! How do you do it? How can I be like you? How can I be... suave? Woo her! Admire her! Make her feel she's the most... ..sublime creature on earth. ..sublime creature on earth. Yes! That's it? < We're back. Noses powdered. Perfection achieved! We are the luckiest brothers on earth ` unworthy of such splendour! Undeserving of such radiance. Er, that's right! We should have... ugly girls! (VIOLIN PLAYS A PASSIONATE INTRO) (VIOLIN SOLO) (PIANO SCALE) (PASSIONATE TANGO BEGINS) (TO "ADDAMS FAMILY THEME") (CHEERING) You might only drive short distances to work each day. You might not drive your car to work at all. You might park securely at work. Or these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. Or you work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we get that everyone's not the same, so we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. Call: Or go to youi.co.nz today. 1 And then the ghost said, "And I will haunt you forever!" (WEAKLY) Ahhh...! Wednesday,... ..you continue the ghost story. This is dumb. Well, if you can't do it... So the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin. And he said to the campers, "None of you really believe in me... ..so I have to prove my power." The next morning,... ..when the campers woke up,... ..all of their old noses had grown back. (ALL) AAAAAAAAAGH!! (DISTANT SCREECHING) Oh, Fester, how you must hate me! Wh-What?! Here you are, a debonair man of the world. How... I must bore you. Oh, never! Fester, before we go any further, I have a confession. Something I must tell you. I'm a virgin. You are? You are? Yes! What's that? I-It's someone who's... never experienced... physical love. Ohh! You mean with another person? Then, Debbie, I have a confession to make as well. I'm one too! You?! You?! You?! Yes! But with your looks, your charm,... ..women must follow you around! ..women must follow you around! Store detectives! Oh, Fester! I always dreamed of meeting someone... untouched. Someone pure, someone... just like you. You'll meet him. And... And I dreamed that when I met him,... ..we would wait until our wedding night... ..to give ourselves to one another. To make the ultimate sacrifice. A goat? Until now, I thought it was impossible, but Fester Addams,... ..I love you! You do?! Please, be honest, I have to know how you feel about me. I love you! I worship you! I'd do anything for you! I'd pay! I'd pay! Fester! Debbie! Look at him. So peaceful. This evening, watching Fester and Debbie, I kept my fingers crossed. I hoped. I prayed. "Let them fall in love." "Let them fall in love." "Let them know happiness." "Let them fall in love." "Let them know happiness." "Let them adopt." Gomez! Morticia! Great news! Something impossible! A miracle! The rash! It's gone. The rash! It's gone. I'm engaged! That ring... That ring... Mother's. She was buried with it. (THUNDERCLAP) Mail call! Addams! Barkley, Castleman, Calloway, Dexter, Donman, Edwards, Evans... Oh, no. Oh, no. What is it? This is unspeakable. Something wrong? Bad news? The worst thing that has ever happened in the history of human events. Uncle Fester is getting married. Uncle Fester is getting married. A wedding? That's great news! To whom? To whom? The nanny. Get out of the cabin! I mean, I'd kill myself! The help?! I'm sure she's a lovely lady. That's disgusting! Their family is some weird medical experiment! They're like circus people! What did you say? What did you say? Campers! Group hug! Wednesday. Pugsley. Will a hug hurt us? Will a hug hurt us? We don't hug! Oh, they're just shy. We're not shy. We're not shy. We're contagious. I'm... sensing some friction here. Somethin' not quite Chippewa. But, hey, no problemo! All they need are good friends, good fun and... ..time in the Harmony Hut! How long do we have to stay here? Until we crack. Have fun! What are you in for? I wouldn't go horseback riding. I wouldn't go horseback riding. That's all? And... I wouldn't make a bird house. Why not? Why not? I just wanted to read. Not on my time, four-eyes! < (LOCKS DOOR) AAAAAAAGH! Hurry up! Hurry up! I'm coming! Wait! Be careful! Tetanus! (SIRENS / WHISTLE) I saw them sneak out! (DOGS BARK) What do you think you're doing? What do you think you're doing? We must see our family. It's important. More important than a summer of fun, making new friends? More important than sharing? Joel Glicker, I'm surprised at you. I-I have to get outta here. I have allergies. Allergic to sunshine, archery, crafts? Yes. I think they should be punished. Punish! Punish! PUNISH! PUNISH! PUNISH! NO! NO! We are not here to punish. We are here to inspire. Know what our Ninja friends need? What might turn their sad and potentially wasted lives around? What might turn their sad and potentially wasted lives around? What? (GUITAR CHORD) # Kumbaya, My Lord, kumbaya # Kumbaya, My Lord # Kumbaya (WOLF HOWLS) # Kumbaya, My Lord, kumbaya # Oh, Lord, kumbaya # (QUIET CHATTER) Now, have you met everyone? Morticia! Morticia! Margaret! Margaret, this is our bride-to-be. Welcome! I can't tell you what it's meant to me,... ..joining the clan! Have you met my husband, Cousin Itt? ..joining the clan! Have you met my husband, Cousin Itt? Cousin Itt? We've been so happy! As little Pubert arrived, we were blessed with our own bundle of joy! (SQUEAKS) What. Oh, I didn't say anything. No, that's the baby's nickname - from the obstetrician. No, that's the baby's nickname - from the obstetrician. Isn't he precious? We've had offers. # For he's a jolly good fellow # Which nobody can deny! # You guys are the best bunch of friends a fella could hope for! What a party! And now for the piece de resistance! Ta-dah! Ta-dah!! That poor girl. Lurch,... was she in there before you baked? (GRUNTS) (ITT WAILS) C'est la vie! C'est la vie! (LAUGHTER) Are you really allergic? Uh-huh. To almost everything. No you're not. No you're not. Am too! I can't have dairy products or wear wool or drink fluoridated water. Know what happens if my mom uses fabric softener? What? What? I die! Where are you? Over here! By the skeleton! I got your message inside my cutlet. I need to ask you something. Do you believe in the existence of evil? Well, did you meet my mom? My Uncle Fester is about to marry this woman in a white uniform. A radiologist? A radiologist? A nanny. I have to go to the wedding. I have a pass. Do you wanna come? You mean like... on a date? No. No. I'd love to. (ORGAN PLAYS "WEDDING MARCH" INTRO) (CHANGES TO "SUNRISE, SUNSET") (ORGAN ` "HERE COMES THE BRIDE") (ITT SQUEAKS A SERMON) I,... ..Fester Addams, do hereby declare my unending love. I will worship you forever! I will devote my every waking moment... ..to your happiness alone! (SOBS) Henceforth, I am your eternal... ..and helpless slave! Nice. Ditto! You're going to have a wonderful life together. You're going to have a wonderful life together. Yes, I am. Darling, let's see who's the next happy bride! < Come on! < Come on! Over here, Debbie! > (SQUABBLING) Now you have to get married. Now you have to get married. It's not binding. Now you have to get married. It's not binding. Tramp! (CROWD) Bye! Congratulations! # "Hawaii" The key ingredient to a successful Hawaiian honeymoon... ..is romantic music. (TAPE PLAYS) This cassette is from Time-Life. "5,000 of the World's Most Romantic Melodies". It's superb! What do you call this? Number 438. So, do you like romantic living? I do so far! I love romantic living! Fester, how much do you love me? With all my soul! Would you do anything for me?! Would you do anything for me?! Anything! Would you die for me? Would you die for me? Yes! Would you die for me? Yes! Promise?! WAAAAGH! AGH! AGH! AGH! Pumpkin? Muffin! Darling, I... know you're nervous. So am I! So am I! I'm not nervous. I'm upset. Because of the bathtub? (LAUGHS) That was an accident! I know. I know. I'm fine! I know. I'm fine! I know! Don't give it another thought! Don't be frightened! This is as new to me as it is to you. Have you really never had sex? Never! Then how do you know we're not having it right now? We'll be like Gomez and Morticia. Pretend we're at home in my room, Granny down the hallway,... ..Lurch by the door. Oh, my God... Please! What is it? What do you need? Only you, my dearest. Really? Fester,... I'm ready. Just one thing. Just one thing. Gomez told me ` no giggling! No hand puppets! No hand puppets! And? No hand puppets! And? What? Afterwards, you never see your family again. Afterwards, you never see your family again. What? Otherwise, I could never really... ..enjoy myself, I could never give myself completely. Unless I never see my family again? If I picture them in our lives, I could never... achieve, y'know? Never? Don't you love me? Of course! Of course! Don't you want me? Of course! Don't you want me? Yes! Never... Stud! Whoaaaa! Eeehhh... ahh... It's so odd we haven't heard from Fester and Debbie. It's been almost a week. Hasn't it, little fellow? Look at him. Too much fun at that reception! Hair of the pup! Excellent, Amanda! Oh, thank you! < Next! "Dear Wednesday and Pugsley, I love you dearly... ..but I can never see you again." Glicker, go! < Good try! "When you are grown up and lonely, you will understand." "Love, Uncle Fester." He's a dead man. Go! (SQUAWK!) It's an American bald eagle! But aren't they extinct? But aren't they extinct? They are now. (JET PASSES) Mrs Addams? Yes! Your hearse. Where's the body? Your hearse. Where's the body? He's there. Your hearse. Where's the body? He's there. He's alive! Tell me about it! Fester, we may be together for a while... All our lives, cara mia! What? Mon cher! Mon cher! Speak English! Mon cher! Speak English! Pumpkin? If I have to be seen with you, we need to make some changes. If I have to be seen with you, we need to make some changes. Changes? < Be careful, it's a credenza! These things are from catalogues! Fester!! Get over here!! It itches! It itches! Wait till the scab falls off. Pumpkin, are these clothes really me? Of course not. That's the point! Where do you want this? Where do you want this? Second floor boudoir. Careful! I'm her husband! I'm her husband! Fester! Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss. Gimme a 20. Watch it! That's a Queen Anne chandelier! "Hawaii is wonderful, I wish you were here... ..and I can never see you again! PS, Debbie says hi." I don't understand! For weeks, not a word ` and now this! Come to bed. He can't be serious. Have I done or said something? Why does my brother despise me? He adores you! He adores you! I'd do anything for him. At his request, I'd rip out my eyes! At his command, I would crawl on my belly on hot coals and broken glass! Why wait? Why wait? Has Fester gone mad?! It's a... phase. Post-honeymoon malaise. It's very common. Do you remember our honeymoon? That glorious cruise! No calls... No calls... ..no cares... No calls... ..no cares... ..no survivors. Cara mia! So,... ..you still desire me after all this time? The old ball and chain. Forever! Forever! I'll get them. Heads up, campers! Jamboree's two weeks away... ..and that means clean cabins... ..creating with clay! ..creating with clay! (BOTH) And canoes, canoes, canoes! We better get cracking... Look at this! I got 'em! Schizos and Serial Killers. I have the whole series except Jack the Ripper and that Zodiac guy. Look! The Black Widow... It might be Debbie. Three rich husbands, all dead! I'll trade you. I'll trade you. For what? Amy Fisher. Each year, we conclude summer with a special presentation. Book, music and lyrics by... Book, music and lyrics by... Gary Granger! And this year,... ..the old bean has come up with my own salute to the first Thanksgiving Now, we have thought long and hard... ..about choosing the right actress... ..for the leading role of Sarah Miller, our kindly Pilgrim lady. And we have selected... Amanda Buckman!! As her pilgrim pals,... ..Lily, Jennifer, Tiffany, Missy, Michelle and Melissa! < (SCREAMING) < (SCREAMING) But not everyone can be a star. Let's not forget our cheery little Chippewas... ..Mordecai, Yang, Esthor... Um... Con-swe-lah, Irwin and... I'm still not sure how to pronounce this. Jammle? Jaymal? Jamull? Jamull? (Whatever...) As their leader in the secondary but compellingly-written Pocahontas role ..guess who? Our own little... ..brunette outcast... Wednesday Addams! (WHISTLE BLOWS) Now, what's Henderson doing wrong? Everyone? Anyone? Argh! UP&GO is the most important drink of the day. It's got the protein, energy and fibre of 4 Weet-Bix and milk. Nice one, Henderson! 1 (BELL PLAYS "HERE COMES THE BRIDE") We want to see Debbie and Fester. Miss Debbie!! < Debra! Gomez, where are we? It looks familiar. Of course! The gates of hell! Welcome to my home. Might we see my brother? Might we see my brother? No. He doesn't want to see you ` or that! Why not? He's in love ` wrapped in a gossamer blanket of ecstasy. And he hates your guts! But why? But why? You flaunted yourselves, your "great love affair"! You kept him a child. I've made him a man. Let me hear this from his own lips! Let me hear this from his own lips! His lips are busy! You wanna talk to them? You wanna talk to them? Deb-bie... Go away! That is not my brother! Sorry. You have enslaved him, placed Fester under some strange sexual spell. I respect that... but please, may we see him? Don't even think about it. Don't even think about it. You have gone too far. You married Fester, destroyed his spirit,... ..and taken him from us. That I can forgive. But Debbie... But Debbie... What?! Pastels? Get out of my house!! Hit the road! If you ever show your faces round here again,... ..I'll have you locked up for trying to visit. Right, Fessie? Right, Fessie? Right! Luxor, Nexor, burst and burn! What is she doing? Just a curse. Have a nice day! (RAP MUSIC) I demand justice! Someone has married my brother! No (!) She took him to Hawaii! They live in a large home where they make love constantly! I hate when that happens (!) I hate when that happens (!) Arrest her at once! I hate when that happens (!) Arrest her at once! Who?! Debbie! My brother's wife! The Temptress of Waikiki! Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock?! You must issue a subpoena! I believe they own... I believe they own... Gomez, no! I believe they own... Gomez, no! ..a Buick!! Just leave quietly. Leave now. Don't make me call Ringling Brothers. Has the planet gone mad?!! My brother, passion's hostage! I seek justice. Denied! I shall not submit! I shall conquer, I shall rise! My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil! I have seen horror! I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the recesses of the soul! They're at camp. I have seen all this, Officer. But until today, I had never seen... ..you! Hook 'em, book 'em, cook 'em, now! Next in line. Next in line. I'd like to renew my passport. I'm leaving the country shortly. Will you be travelling alone? Will you be travelling alone? Yes. I'll be a widow. (PIANO INTRO) # Happy, happy turkey day Hunger pains will go away! # When you hear the pilgrims say It's happy turkey day! # Happy, happy turkey day # Let's all eat the Indian way # As we're steering Cape Cod way On happy turkey day # Look at you! Amanda, you look perfect! You're the prettiest pilgrim I've ever seen! Gar, come and take a look at this! Here they are! We caught 'em by the phone. We were calling the FBI. We were calling the FBI. Their uncle is in trouble. You are late! You are late! I don't wanna be in the pageant. Don't you wanna realise my vision? It's puerile and under-dramatised. It lacks structure, character and the Aristotelian Unities. Young lady, I am a tad tired of your attitude problem! Everyone! Campers! I have a wonderful idea! Wednesday and Pugsley and young Mr Glicker here ` ..they have never latched onto the Chippewa spirit. Nor have their comrades. Isn't that sad? (CAMPERS) Yes! (CAMPERS) Yes! Don't we just hate that? (CAMPERS) Yes! Don't we just hate that? Yes! Don't we wish they would die?! Don't we wish they would die?! Yes! Don't we wish they would die?! Yes! Oh, no, we don't! But you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna make an example. We're gonna show that anyone, no matter how odd... ..or pale or chubby, can still have... ..a darn good time! Whether they like it or not. What are you gonna do? Yes indeedy, just the ticket. "Bambi". "Bambi". "Lassie Come Home"! "The Little Mermaid"! Stop it. Stop it. He's only a child! (Don't worry. We're getting out of here.) But... it's Disney! # The hills are alive # With the sound of music # With songs they have sung... # And they knew that it was much more than a hunch # That this group must somehow form a family # That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch... # You're always a day... # A... # ..way # Well, good evening! Is there anything you'd like to say to everyone? Yes. And what might that be? I'm not perky. I'm not perky. That's for damn sure. But I wanna be. You do? I wanna smile, and sing, and dance, and be Pocahontas in Gary's vision. Oh, darling, do you really mean it? (ALL GASP) (ALL GASP) Isn't she pretty?! (ALL GASP) Isn't she pretty?! She's scaring me! AAAAAGH! Stay back! He's very sick! My baby! (THUD!) Lumbar, dishun,... ..pox and dither Curad brattle bone and brine! Bone and brine!! He's stubborn! It works on cats! What are we going to do? What are we going to do? Is it hopeless? Here it is. Chapter 18, Infant Possession. He's possessed?! "Alterations in appearance and personality... ..which can become permanent." Permanent? Those golden curls? Those rosy cheeks? Those rosy cheeks? That smile? These terrifying changes are often the result of a troubled family life Separations. You mean...? You mean...? Fester! Bingo! He knows something's not right around here! Unless Fester comes back, we're talkin' dimples! Not in this house! He could stay this way for years. Forever! He could become... a lawyer! I won't listen!! An orthodontist! Mama, stop! Mama, stop! President! Please! I beg you,... ..take me! (SOBS) Each summer, we celebrate a seminal event in American history. This year, we depict... ..perhaps the most important day we share. The first Thanksgiving! A day for maize ` Native American word for corn ` turkey dinner... ..aaaand brotherhood! So! White Meat and Dark Meat,... ..take it away! (PIANO PLAYS) # Eat us! Hey, it's Thanksgiving Day! # Eat us # We make a nice buffet # We lost the race with Farmer Ed # Eat us, cos we're good as dead # White man or Red man From east north or south # Chop off our legs, And put 'em in your mouth! Eat me! # Sauteed or barbecued Eat me! # We once were pets but now we're food # We won't stay fresh for very long # So eat us before we finish this song # Eat us before we finish this song! # (CRYING) Thank you! It was a senseless tragedy! (CLICKING) (TICKING) Angel! I'm going out for just a minute! I forgot the champagne. Our three week anniversary! I'll go! No, you're working hard enough! I'll put your present on the table! Don't peek! Oh, pleeease! Pleeease! What is it? Is it... ..string? ..string? You never know! Ha! Is it... a dog toy? Just you wait! (TICKING) It's a bomb! It's a bomb! What?! I know! Wait for my birthday! Fester,... ..let me look at you! I wanna remember you just this way. What do you mean? What do you mean? Rich! Will you miss me? But... you'll be right back, won't you? Of course! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! I am so glad we invited the Chippewas to join us for this meal! Remember, these savages are our guests! We must not be surprised at any of their strange customs. After all, they have not had our advantages. Such as fine schools, libraries full of books! Shampoo! (LAUGHTER) How. I am Pocahontas, a Chippewa maiden. (An Indian.) (An Indian.) ('Nuff said!) I am Running Bear, betrothed to Pocahontas... in the play. 20 grand for summer camp, he's Mr Woo-Woo. We have brought a gift... ..for this feast. I am a turkey. Kill me. What a thoughtful gift! Why, you are as civilised as we. Except we wear shoes and have last names. Welcome to our table, our new primitive friends! Thank you, Sarah Miller. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Your hair is the colour of the sun, your skin like fresh milk... ..and everyone loves you. ..and everyone loves you. Stop! Sit. Wait. What? We cannot break bread with you. < What's going on? < What's going on? (Wednesday!) You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now, my people will live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans and drink highballs. We will sell bracelets by the roadsides. You will play golf and eat hors d'oeuvres. We will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They say do not trust the Pilgrims. Especially Sarah Miller. She's changing the words! For all these reasons, I have decided to scalp you... ..and burn your village to the ground. (WHOOPING) (SCREAMING) Stop! You're destroying my text! AAAAAH! He's not a team player! He's not a team player! But he needs friends! Friends like this? AAAGH! AAAAAGH! Um, I beg your pardon... (SCREAM) (MUFFLED SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (MUFFLED SCREAMS) > # Macho, macho man! # I've got to be a macho man! # Macho, macho man! # I got to be a macho, hey! # Hey, hey, hey, hey... # Hey! Wait, what time is it, Jorge? 6.25. Oops! Gotta go. (SHOUTING) Wait here! It's my anniversary. I'll be right back. Your husband, he's a very lucky man. Your husband, he's a very lucky man. Don't say that! # Macho, macho man! # I got to be a macho man! # (TICKING) Cheers! (GROANS) Officer...! My husband was in that house! (STIFLED CACKLES) Ha ha ha ha ha! Ahh! Happy anniversary,... ..Deb-bie! (Help. Help.) Sweetheart! Did you get the champagne? Freeze! Pookie? I tried to make it look like an accident. To give you some dignity, but, oh, no! What are you sayin'? I want you dead and I want your money! But... but, don't you love me? A-HA HA HA! Is that a no? Do I love you? Look at yourself, you're a nightmare! The missing link! You should be studied! You big, dumb, weird thing! No sane woman could love you! AGH! Thing! I'll get you, and your hand too! AAAAGH! 1 Come on. Come on. No. I have to go back for the others. I have to go back for the others. You're very brave. And to watch the place burn. You go. Save your uncle. Save your uncle. Joel, I may never see you again. I know... I know... There are forces tearing us apart. Gary, Debbie,... seventh grade. I'll never forget you. You won't? You won't? You're too weird. We'll always have today. And Chippewa. We'll always have today. And Chippewa. And this. What is it? Amanda's retainer. Cara mia! Mon cher... (BEEPS HORN) (BEEPS HORN) C'mon! (BEEPS) Move it!! Move outta the way!! "We looked, then we saw him step in on the mat. We looked, and we saw him, The Cat in the Hat." Are you enjoying this? To think, a child of mine... "I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny But we can have lots of good fun, That is funny." Oh, no! He lives. Come on! It's Gomez! # Swing low # Sweet chariot # Coming for to carry me home # Swing low... My baby's ill, and my husband is dying. Oh, Mama, what shall I do? Well, you have a black dress. (SOBBING) # Sweet char... Gomez! Fester! Fester! Fester? Where is Fester? Fester? Where is Fester? Right here, mon cher. It's me, Gomez. I've tried to be someone I'm not. I live in shame! And the suburbs! And the suburbs! But you belong to Debbie! You are Debbie's love toy! You are Mr Debbie! I am an Addams! Fester!! Uncle Fester! Children! You sent us to camp. They made us sing. My own dear family. How I've missed you all! Our whole family, together at last. Three generations... ..above ground. In-laws!! > I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns or bombs or electric chairs. But sometimes people won't listen. So I have to use persuasion. And slides. My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting. Or were they? All I ever wanted... ..was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday. I was ten. And you know what they got me? Malibu... Barbie! Malibu Barbie. Malibu Barbie. The nightmare! Malibu Barbie. The nightmare! The nerve! That's not what I wanted! That's not who I was! I was a ballerina! Graceful! Delicate! They had to go. (PUBERT GURGLES) My first husband. The heart surgeon. All day ` coronaries, transplants! What about your needs? What about your needs? "Sorry about dinner, Deb. The Pope has a cold." < An axe! That takes me back! Husband number two. The Senator. He loved his state and his country! What about Debbie? "Sorry, Debbie, no Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." < Oh, yeah?! Set this!! My latest husband. My late husband. Fester. Fester. The fool! The corpse! And his adorable family. You took me in, you accepted me. But did any of you love me?! Really love me? Hands! So, I-I killed, so I maimed! So, I destroyed one innocent life after another! Aren't I a human being?! Don't I yearn and ache and... ..shop? Don't... I... ..deserve... love? And jewellery? Adieu, mon cher. Adios, cara mia. Debbie, let them go. Take me and my money! For what I've done, I deserve to die! For what I've done, I deserve to die! Sorry. (SQUEALS) Goodbye, everybody! Wish me luck! (ALL) Good luck! (GIGGLES) A birthday party! What a treat! And to think I might've missed all this! What was I thinking of? Physical pleasure. Physical pleasure. (SIGHS) Uncle Fester,... ..do you miss Debbie? ..do you miss Debbie? Well, sometimes ` late at night. She used to turn to me and say,... .."Jesus, Fester, go back to your room!" Yoo-hoo! > (SQUEAKS) Are we late? Are we late? (ITT GIBBERS) No! We're just getting started. We brought along a guest. This is our new nanny,... ..Dementia. Ohh, Dementia! What a beautiful name! It means "insanity". My name's Fester! It means "to rot"! A toast! To the glorious mysteries of life,... ..to all that binds a family as one. To mirth, to merriment,... ..to manslaughter! Hear, hear! To dear friends... To dear friends... (ITT SQUEAKS) To new friends... To youth! How do I look? How do I look? Disturbing. To passion! To paradise. To pain! (Tonight!) Ha-ha! Make way for the birthday boy! Thing, will you do the honours? (PLAYS "HAPPY BIRTHDAY") Your family is really... interesting. Your parents are so... involved with each other. Do you think maybe someday you might wanna get married and have kids? No. But, what if you met just the right man who worshipped and adored you,.. ..who'd do anything for you, who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would you do? Then what would you do? I'd pity him. Poor Debbie. She was sick. Poor Debbie. She was sick. She wasn't sick. She was sloppy. What do you mean? If I wanted to kill my husband,... ..I wouldn't get caught. How? I'd scare him to death. No, you wouldn't. We're all very sorry, Debbie. We wish you only the best. AAAAAAGH! AAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!! IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014