1 D-OH! (SCREAMS) Captioned by Media Access Group At WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2012. WELCOME TO THE MAYOR'S EASTER EGG HUNT. AND NOW, MY RARELY-SEEN WIFE WOULD LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS. (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) THANK YOU, JOE. IN JUST A FEW MOMENTS, THE HUNT WILL BE OPENED BY OUR OWN "WASCALLY WEFEREE," HUGS BUNNY. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. SORRY, KID. LEGALLY, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HUG YOU. NOW, BEGIN THE HUNT. WOMAN: JOE! YOU SAID YOUR WIFE WAS DEAD. AND YOU SAID YOU GRADUATED FROM TYPING SCHOOL. I HAVE TROUBLE WITH THE SPACE BAR. (CHILDREN SHOUTING HAPPILY) NELSON, THOSE DON'T COUNT AS EASTER EGGS. YEAH, BUT THEY COUNT AS BREAKFAST. (GRUNTS, CRUNCHING) (BIRDS SCREECHING, NELSON YELLING) IT WAS WORTH IT. YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! RALPH, THERE'S A HOLE IN YOUR BASKET. YOU'RE LISA'S BROTHER. (MAGGIE SQUEAKS) HEY. NOBODY PUSHES AROUND MY PRECIOUS BUNDLE OF JOY. WHOOPS, WRONG ONE. I'LL TAKE THAT. TOO SLOW, DROOLY JOE. PEEK-A-BOO, I STEAL FROM YOU. (GIGGLES) (WHISTLE BLOWING) SIR, YOU WANT TO SET THE BABY DOWN? DON'T WORRY, I JUST WANT TO TALK. (YELLS) (BOTH GRUNTING) SILLY RABBIT, KICKS ARE FOR RIBS. (PAINED GRUNT) (BOTH GRUNTING) (GROWLING GRUNTS) THIS HOUSE HAS SUCH BEAUTIFUL WAINSCOTING. (LAUGHS): WELL, MARGE, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE INTO WAINSCOTING. I READ AN ARTICLE ABOUT IT AT THE TYRE STORE. DID YOU KNOW IT'S NOT NAMED AFTER SOMEONE NAMED WAYNE SCOTT? OH! OH! THAT'S VERY INTERESTING. (BUNNY YELLING) YOU ARE NOW IN THE MAYOR'S OFFICE. THIS IS THE SWITCH THE MAYOR USES TO CALL HIS CHIEF OF STAFF. (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) ("MUSIC TO WATCH GIRLS BY" PLAYING) (SIGHS HEAVILY) (MUSIC STOPS) THAT CONCLUDES OUR TOUR. (DISAPPOINTED MOANS) BUT I'D LOVE IT IF YOU'D ALL JOIN ME FOR TEA IN THE PARLOUR. TEA? IN THE PARLOUR? YOU'RE LIKE ALL EASTER BUNNIES-- CAN'T TAKE A PUNCH TO THE CROTCH! MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU (MOCKINGLY): "VOLUNTEER TO HELP CHILDREN." OH, HEY, MARGE. (WEAKLY): THIS IS MY HUSBAND, HOMER. (NERVOUS CHUCKLING) LADIES. MARGE, IS THERE A SMALL RIP IN MY PANTS? (SHOCKED GASPING) HOMER, PLEASE. WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE TEA. NO TEA. SECURITY. ("MUSIC TO WATCH GIRLS BY" PLAYING) EVERYONE, JUST GO. WAY TO BLOW OUR TEA, MARGE. THAT'S THE LAST REFRIGERATOR MAGNET CALENDAR YOU GET FROM ME. WE THROW THOSE OUT ANYWAY. YOU LIE. STOP LYING. HEY, GOOD-LOOKING. WANNA SNUGGLE WITH "TYRANNOSAURUS SEX"? (LUSTY GROWLING AND CHOMPING) NO, I DON'T. I'M STILL UPSET ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY. I DON'T HAVE MANY FRIENDS, AND WHEN I FINALLY START TO MAKE SOME, YOU RUIN IT. OH, COME ON, HONEY, YOU HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS. THERE'S, UH... LISA AND... THE STOVE. (IRATE GROWL) AW, THAT POOR WOMAN. I AM GOING TO FIND HER A FRIEND. SOMEONE CUTE, ATHLETIC, WITH A NICE LAUGH. (CHITTERING HAPPILY) (GASPS): MY HUSBAND... AND MY BEST FRIEND. (CHITTERS) IT'S A RISK I'LL HAVE TO TAKE. WHATCHA LOOKIN' FOR, LISA? SUMMER OPPORTUNITIES. WE'RE GOING TO TWIN CAMP. (GASPS) OH, MY GOD. SPEND A SUMMER IN ROME. ROME? FOUNDED BY TWINS, BY THE WAY. HEY, WHERE'D SHE GO? OH, WELL, LET'S TALK IN OUR SECRET TWIN LANGUAGE. (NONSENSICAL GOBBLEDYGOOK) OKAY, LISA, TO STUDY IN ROME, AN APPLICANT NEEDS OUTSTANDING GRADES-- CHECK. UH-OH. LISA, IT SAYS YOU HAVE TO SPEAK FLUENT ITALIAN. UH... CHECK. YOU SPEAK ITALIAN? OF COURSE I DO. WHY WOULD I SAY IT IF I DIDN'T? (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) FLAWLESS LOGIC. BUT I AM GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO SPEAK A FEW PHRASES TO VERIFY YOUR FLUENCY. (NERVOUS GASP) THOUGH NOT NOW, BECAUSE I HAVE A SERIES OF IMPORTANT MEETINGS. (RELIEVED SIGH) BUT HOW'S TOMORROW FOR YOU? (NERVOUS GASP) BECAUSE IT'S TERRIBLE FOR ME. BUT I'LL GET BACK TO YOU. SOON. (MOANS ANXIOUSLY) SON, I NEED TO FIND A NEW FRIEND FOR YOUR MOTHER. SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FINISH THE SHOPPING YOURSELF. WE'RE ON FOOD STAMPS? I WISH. I MADE THESE AT WORK. (HOMER CHUCKLES) HMM. I BET SHE'D BE A GOOD FRIEND FOR MARGE. SHE LOOKS DEFEATED, TOO. (WHEELS SQUEAKING) PSST. PSST. (SQUEAKING QUICKENS) WHY DOES EVERY WOMAN I TRY TO TALK TO RUN INTO CANS? MAN (ON TAPE): VOGLIO AFFITTARE UNA BARCA PICCOLA. "I WANT TO RENT A SMALL BOAT." VOGLIO AFFITTARE UNA BARCA PICCOLA. PROGETTO DI SCARICARE QUESTO CORPO NELL'OCEANO. "I PLAN TO DUMP THIS BODY IN THE OCEAN." HUH? (SHOCKED GASP) (ANGRILY): QUESTO E QUELLO CHE PRENDI PER SARE DOMANDE. "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR ASKING QUESTIONS." (GUNSHOTS) (SHUDDERS) ARRIVEDERCI, IGNORANCE. MARGE, I DID IT. I FOUND A WOMAN TO BE YOUR NEW FRIEND. SHE'S WAITING IN THE LIVING ROOM. (CRAZED RAVINGS) (CAT SCREECHES) (ANGRY GRUNT) I'M GOING OUT FOR SOME AIR. I BET YOU CAN'T THROW A CAT OVER THE HOUSE. OH, YEAH? (RAVING) (CAT SCREECHING) HUH. I WAS WRONG. # EVERYBODY HURTS... # SOMETIMES... # (SIGHS HEAVILY) I GUESS I'M NOT MEANT TO HAVE FRIENDS. WOMAN: STOP THAT HAT! (LAUGHS) WHOO! HOW ABOUT THIS WIND, HUH? I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU KEEP YOUR HAIR SO PERFECT. JOHNSON'S WATER SEAL. (TINNY CLANGS) (LAUGHING) MY NAME'S TAMMY. AND THESE ARE MY FRIENDS, THE CHEERY RED TOMATOES. (GASPS) THE NATIONWIDE SOCIAL ORGANISATION FOR WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE? YEAH, BUT WE DON'T SIT AROUND WATCHING TELEVISION AND EATING BONBONS. EXCEPT ON TV BONBON NIGHT, WHICH IS EVERY TUESDAY AND THURSDAY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TODAY? WE'RE GONNA HAVE MARGARITAS AND POKE GENTLE FUN AT OUR HUSBANDS. WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN US? WOULD I?! NOW, LET'S SEE. HOMER CUT UP MY WEDDING DRESS TO MAKE A BADMINTON NET, WHICH HE NEVER USES. HE SPENT MY LAST THREE BIRTHDAYS IN JAIL, CALLED OUT HIS BOWLING BALL'S NAME DURING SEX... WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HONEY! SAVE IT FOR JOHNNY FIESTA'S. (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) THANK YOU, JOE. IN JUST A FEW MOMENTS, THE HUNT WILL BE OPENED BY OUR OWN "WASCALLY WEFEREE," HUGS BUNNY. 1 TV ANNOUNCER: AND NOW, WE RETURN TO THE VIC TAYBACK MOTEL AND CASINO IN DOWNTOWN LAS VEGAS FOR HAS-BEEN CELEBRITY POKER. AS ALWAYS, ALL OUR CELEBRITIES ARE PLAYING FOR CHARITY. WHAT?! I AM SO OUT OF HERE. WOW, MOM, GREAT RED DRESS! FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I AM NOW A JUNIOR MEMBER OF THE CHEERY RED TOMATOES. MARGE? IN A GANG? (LAUGHS) WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO, SHOOT ME WITH A FROSTING GUN? SERIOUSLY, I WOULD LOVE THAT. (ALL LAUGHING) OH, YOU GUYS MAKE EVERYTHING FUN. (GASPS): THAT'S MY ITALIAN TUTOR! OH, HEY, MILHOUSE. I THINK BART'S UPSTAIRS. I'M NOT HERE FOR BART. I'M HERE TO TEACH YOU ITALIAN! OH, SURE, I GET IT. BART TOLD YOU I WAS TAKING LESSONS, SO YOU THOUGHT YOU'D COME OVER AND... PREGO SI FERME ED ASCOLTARE. THAT MEANS, "PLEASE STOP AND LISTEN." I'M THE TUTOR THE COMPANY SENT OVER. I'M HERE TO TEACH YOU LA LINGUA DI ARTE E LA MUSICA. YOU REALLY SPEAK ITALIAN?! SI. MY GRANDMOTHER, NANA SOPHIE, LIVES IN TUSCANY. SINCE I WAS A BABY, I'VE SPENT TWO WEEKS THERE EVERY SUMMER. NANA HATED ENGLISH, BECAUSE IN WORLD WAR II, A GI LEFT HER WITH CHILD, MY UNCLE BASTARDO. NANA ONLY SPOKE ITALIAN TO ME. I LOVE YOU, NANA! WHOA! IDIOTA! MILHOUSE: EVERY TIME I SPOKE ENGLISH, SHE HIT ME. OW! THAT HURT! IDIOTA! I'M SORRY I'M SO STUPID! MILHOUSE MUSSOLINI VAN HOUTEN, PARLA ITALIANO, IDIOTA. (MILHOUSE YELLING) THAT'S HOW I LEARNED ITALIAN AND STARTED WETTING MY BED. ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY? CAN I BE YOUR INSEGNANTE? OKAY, IF THAT MEANS, "TEACHER." IT MEANS MASCULINE TEACHER. BYE, LADIES. YOU CAN TEXT-MESSAGE ME ANY TIME. WE ALREADY DID! (GASPS) OOH! (TYRES SCREECHING) OH, HOW CUTE. (SNORING) HE TRIED TO STAY UP, BUT HE JUST COULDN'T MAKE IT. (DOORBELL RINGS) BUON GIORNO, MILHOUSE. AH, PERFETTO. (GIGGLES) THANK YOU. I'VE BEEN STUDYING. I EVEN MADE FLASH CARDS. (GASPS) MY EFFORTS. OH, LISA, YOU DON'T LEARN ITALIAN, YOU LIVE ITALIAN. COME, WE RIDE TO LITTLE ITALY. BUT FIRST, I TAKE CARE OF SOME CLASSROOM BUSINESS. LISA SIMPSON? PRESENT. LET'S GO. MAN: MILHOUSE, CHE COSA DI NUOVA? CIAO, MILHOUSE. COME STAI? (BLOWING KISSES) UN GELATO PER LA BELLA RAGAZZA. "ONE GELATO FOR..." OH... "THE PRETTY GIRL." AH, MISTER MILHOUSE, THANK-A GOODNESS. COULD YOU TRANSLATE AND-A HELP ME BUY CHEESE FOR MY LASAGNE? BUT, LUIGI, SURELY YOU SPEAK ITALIAN. (SIGHS) NO, I DON'T. I ONLY SPEAK-A, HOW YOU SAY... FRACTURED ENGLISH. THAT'S WHAT MY PARENTS SPOKE AT HOME. I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME TODAY. GRAZIE, GRAZIE MILLE. (LAUGHS) I'M THE LUCKIEST BOY IN THE WORLD! DON'T BE IN LOVE, STUPID! (GROANS) TAMMY, I'D NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO SKYDIVE IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU GIRLS. THANKS, MARGE. AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN WE LAND, WE'VE GOT A LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU. OOH! WELL, NOW I REALLY HOPE MY CHUTE OPENS! MOE: GOOD-BYE, CRUEL WORLD! LADIES. MARGE SIMPSON, WE HEREBY INDUCT YOU AS A FULL MEMBER OF THE CHEERY RED TOMATOES. (APPLAUSE) I FEEL A HAPPINESS I'VE NEVER FELT. I NOT ONLY HAVE FRIENDS, I HAVE A HAT TO PROVE IT. NOW, MARGE, AS A FULL MEMBER, YOU GET TO SHARE IN ALL OUR SECRETS. LIKE OUR RECIPE FOR MOCK APPLE PIE. THE SECRET IS, IT'S GOT APPLES IN IT. AND NOW WE CAN TELL YOU THE SECRET PLANS FOR OUR FUNDRAISER. THIS YEAR, WE'RE GOING TO STEAL ONE MILLION DOLLARS FROM MR. BURNS. (GASPS) YOU'RE JOKING. YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING. YOU'RE NOT JOKING. OH. ANY OTHER SURPRISES? I'M NOT A NATURAL REDHEAD. WHOA... (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) THANK YOU, JOE. IN JUST A FEW MOMENTS, THE HUNT WILL BE OPENED BY OUR OWN "WASCALLY WEFEREE," HUGS BUNNY. I'M SORRY. I CAN'T STEAL. NOT EVEN FROM MR BURNS. MR. BURNS PROMISED A MILLION DOLLARS TO THE SPRINGFIELD CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL. AND THEN... INSTEAD OF DONATING THIS MONEY, I'M GOING TO USE IT TO EXTEND MY OWN LIFE ANOTHER 10 MINUTES. SMITHERS. (PEN SQUEAKING) AND THE REGISTER. (BOOING) RELEASE THE HOUNDS! (DOGS BARKING, PEOPLE SCREAMING) WHY WOULD YOU BRING ATTACK DOGS TO A CHARITY EVENT? I WAS TAKING THEM TO THE GROOMER'S. OH, WHO'S A STINKY DOG? YOU ARE. MICHELLE'S GOING TO WORK ON YOU TODAY. YES. THERE ARE 12 FABERGE EGGS IN HIS VAULT, EACH WORTH A SMALL FORTUNE. WE CAN GET THEM, BUT WE NEED YOUR SPECIAL SKILLS. WHEN I JOINED, I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D BE ROBBING PEOPLE. YOU SAID YOU WANTED FRIENDS. AND THE ONE THING ABOUT FRIENDS IS THAT THEY STICK TOGETHER, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO PULL OFF A MILLION-DOLLAR HEIST. MAYBE WE WERE A LITTLE TOO QUICK TO GIVE YOU THAT HAT. TAKE BACK THE HAT! SHE DESERVES BARE HAIR! ALL: BARE HAIR! BARE HAIR! OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, I'M IN! YOU LADIES DOING OKAY DOWN THERE? SORRY TO WAKE YOU, STANLEY. DON'T LET US DOWN, NEWBIE. WELCOME BACK TO FOX SPORTS WEST II CLASSIC FOX SPORTS FOX. HEY, MARGE, WHERE YOU GOING? OH, UH, WELL, I, UM... BIRD-WATCHING. WAIT A MINUTE. IF SHE'S GOING BIRD-WATCHING, WHY DID SHE LEAVE OUR PETERSON'S FIELD GUIDE TO BIRDS ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER? (GASPS) ROADRUNNERS ARE REAL! # MILHOUSE IS TEACHING ME # TO SPEAK SO PRETTILY # I'LL QUIP SO WITTILY # WHEN I'M IN ITALY # (SIGHS) (GASPS) MILHOUSE! JUST WHAT IS GOING ON? RUN ALONG, ANGELICA. BUT NOT-A TOO FAST, EH? (PLAYFULLY GROWLS) LISA, LISA. SHE IS THE APPETISER, BUT YOU ARE THE MAIN COURSE. SONO COSI MATTO A LEI! HO PENSATO ABBIAMO AVUTO QUALCOSA ANDANDO, E POI LA PRENDO CON QUESTA SGUALDRINA! LEI ME FA MALATO! (NORMAL VOICE): LISA, YOU'RE SPEAKING PERFECT ITALIAN! GRAZIE. IDIOTA! IDIOTA! IDIOTA! IDIOTA! OW! OW! OW! NOW, LET'S SEE WHAT MARGE IS UP TO. "RECIPES, DRESS PATTERNS, TOASTER UNDERCOATING AGREEMENT... HEIST PLANS"?! (GASPS): BURNS' MANSION?! THAT'S MR. BURNS' MANSION! REMIND ME, SMITHERS, WHILE WE'RE OUT, I NEED TO GET MY EYES RE-BALLED AND MY BRAIN FLUSHED OUT WITH VINEGAR. YES, SIR. OH, AND YOUR KNEES WILL BE BACK FROM THE SHOP TOMORROW. EXCELLENT. OKAY, MARGE. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE OF US SKINNY ENOUGH TO SQUEEZE THROUGH THIS VENT. THAT'S MY SPECIAL SKILL? WHAT'D YOU THINK? YOU'RE A MASTER OF DISGUISE? NOT WITH THAT DO. I THOUGHT YOU LIKED MY HAIR. IT'S ALL RIGHT. (GATE SQUEAKS) I GOTTA STOP MARGE FROM DOING SOMETHING RECKLESS AND IRRESPONSIBLE. (SCREAMING) LOU, WE'D BETTER GO AFTER HIM. EDDIE, YOU DIRECT TRAFFIC. YOU'RE THE GRACEFUL ONE. YOU GOT IT, CHIEF. LOOK AT HIM TEASE THAT SUBARU. AND THAT GUY CAN'T FIND A GIRLFRIEND. I'LL NEVER FIGURE IT OUT. I GOT THE COMBINATION FROM BURNS AFTER I LET HIM FEEL ME UP DURING THE DEPRESSION. ZERO TO THE RIGHT... ZERO TO THE LEFT... BACK TO ZERO. (SIRENS APPROACHING) MARGE, I WANTED TO SAVE YOU FROM THE COPS, BUT THE COPS FOLLOWED ME. GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER! SO, ARE YOU GONNA INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR FRIENDS? DON'T WORRY, MR. BURNS. WE'LL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS. EXCUSE ME, LOU. I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT. ACTING LIKE THE CHIEF DOESN'T MAKE YOU THE CHIEF. IF I WAS ACTING LIKE THE CHIEF, I'D NEED SIZE 58 PANTS. OH, HERE WE GO WITH THE FAT JOKES. YOU KNOW, I JUST WISH YOU COULD HIT THE EASY TARGETS ON THE FIRING RANGE SO WELL. OH, LOU, WHY DO WE HURT EACH OTHER SO? BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT'S EASIER TO BE CRUEL THAN TO SAY WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL. PERMISSION TO HUG, CHIEF? PERMISSION... (CHOKES UP) GRANTED. GRANTED, LOU. THANK YOU, CHIEF. OOH, ENOUGH! WHILE YOU MORONS ARE CANOODLING, SOMEONE'S BURGLING MY MISCELLANEA! (BOOMING GUNSHOT) TRY TO TAKE MY EGGS, WILL YOU? WELL, THIS ROOSTER HAS A BEAK. A BEAK WHICH CALLS OUT DEATH-A-DOODLE-DOO. WHY... YOU'RE ALL WOMEN. I'M NOT. I SUPPOSE, BUT YOU'RE CERTAINLY BUXOM AND FLIRTY. OH, WELL, I TRY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS JOIN A GROUP OF WOMEN WHO WORE THE SAME OUTFITS. (SOBBING) (ALL SOBBING) (SIGHS) OH, NO JURY ON EARTH WILL CONVICT A BUNCH OF MOIST-EYED MOTHERS. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, LADIES. GIVE ME MY EGGS BACK AND I'LL LET YOU GO. (SOBBING) AND TELL ME I'M NOT FAT. (DISGUSTED GROAN) WELL, I GUESS OUR FUNDRAISER WAS A FAILURE. DON'T BE SO SURE. AH, MARGE, I LOVE YOU. BUT TO BE SAFE, SWEETIE, I DON'T THINK WE CAN EVER SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. I'LL REALLY MISS YOU GUYS. I'LL NEVER FORGET THE THREE ACTIVITIES WE DID TOGETHER. (SNIFFLING) LISTEN, MARGE. NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO IN THIS LIFE, YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE ONE FRIEND WHO LOVES YOU BODY AND SOUL. AND MARGE, THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS I CAN DO FOR YOU THAT NO OTHER FRIEND CAN. SPECIAL THINGS. (CHUCKLING) WOW, THIS IS SPECIAL. (THUD) I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED TO ME TWICE. Captioned by Media Access Group At WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2012.