1 # "Catch Me if You Can" - The Beu Sisters IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 # What you get is # what you see. # And you can bet it's worth it, baby, # cos what you get is me. # Don't be afraid to # let it embrace you, # I'm gonna show you every little thing about love. # Ye-e-eah. # Do you really want it, if you really want it, you can get it. # If you get it don't regret it, I can bet you're gonna let it. # Take you higher and higher. (SCREAMS) # So, what you gonna do? # Love is like a butterfly, tapestry across the sky. # Doesn't need a reason why Feel it taking you and I. # Higher and higher. # So, what you gonna do? (SIREN WAILS) If you only knew what I just dealt with. This guy was right in front of me, going... That guy deserves a ticket. He's... A woman never reveals her age. He was going 10mph on the highway. I'm trying to... # If you want it, you can get it. # Higher and higher # "And only then will the people of Tajikistan know true and lasting peace." Andie, it's brilliant. It's really moving. But it's never gonna appear in Composure magazine. God, I busted my butt in grad school to be Andie Anderson, How-to girl and write articles like, "How to use the best pick-up lines" and, "Do blondes, do they, like, really have more fun?" I wanna write about things that matter like politics, the environment and things I'm interested in. Keep busting your butt. You can get there. Hey, I got something to cheer you up. Remember that editor from Sports Illustrated that you have been shamelessly flirting with for a month now? He made a little delivery this morning. Ahhhh. Let me see. No, no, hey! (SQUEALS) Tomorrow night. What happens tomorrow? Only the most exhilarating, artistic display of athletic competition known to mankind. The Ice Capades are in town? No, the NBA finals are in town and I got tickets! Come with me? Alright, I'll go but I am not putting out. Two jumbo dogs and a couple of beers, you'll be whistling a different tune, hussy. You know what I like. Good morning, ladies. Don't forget. Staff meeting in 30 minutes. Michelle? Haven't seen her, have you? 10 to 1 she's wallowing. My turn. You get coffee, meet me at the corner. Wait, take some samples. (Samples, samples, great idea.) Oh, boy, drama, drama, drama. # "Who do you love?" - George Thorogood And The Destroyers # I walked 47 miles of barbed wire # I got a cobra snake for a necktie # A brand-new house on the roadside # And it's a made out of rattlesnake hide # I got a brand new chimney put on top # And it's a made out of human skull # Come on take a little walk with me, baby # And tell me, who do you love? Hey! (HONKING) # Who do you love? # Around the town I use a rattlesnake whip # Take it easy, baby, don't you gimme no lip # Who do you love? # Who do you love? # Hello, Ben. He-hey, good morning, Spears. What are you reading', girl? You catchin' up on your current events? "Turn-on tricks, how to make him hot"? If you wanna try those out... Green and I have an appointment at Composure, the fastest-growing women's magazine in the country. Since our clients run our campaigns in their nationally syndicated little girlie magazine it wouldn't hurt you to do a little reading. Hey, Benny. Morning, Green. You finally decided to show up? Yes, I did. Ready? Ready. Later, Ben. Have a nice day, ladies. Hi. Oh! Good morning, sunshine. OK, get dressed. Get dressed. Staff meeting, 15 minutes, let's go. I'm going back to bed. I have no reason to live. Sun's out! Oh. OK, just... You do now. Cashmere? Put it on. It'll make your eyes look fiercely green. Get up. I'm not gonna let you lose your job on top of everything else. Ohhhh... Come here. Oh, Andie. OK? OK. You only dated the guy a week. It was the best week of my life. (SOBS) Good morning, ladies. What's up, Tito? Hey. What's up, kitty cat? What's up, daddy? Big night? Not bad. Orgy? Where were you? Not at an orgy. Did you hear? That the Knicks are in the series and Tone The Bone here owes me $20? You were right. DeLauer is looking for a new agency. Warren wants to move on it aggressively. Yes. Oh, this is a good day. Did you know that diamonds are as common as taxis on 5th Avenue? Their value is entirely sentimental maintained by supply, demand and advertising. Stripes. Now DeLauer dominates the world diamond market. Meaning if I represent them, I represent the entire industry. Oh... What? Warren gave it to the Judys. Spears and Green are already on it. No way? Well, he's partial to hot leggy chicks. We're the sneakers and beer division. Gems aren't our forte. Lips and hips are over at a chicks magazine. I gotta get to Warren before... You can't, he's on a plane. Easy, pal, Chicago meeting. Warren's meeting them at Mullen's tonight. This didn't happen. This was my tip, my pitch, my account, my campaign. this is my baby. They will not ace me outta this. I heard that. OK, Mullen's, tonight. "I heard that"? Hi. Hi. I don't wanna talk about it, OK? OK. OK. Why does this always happen to me? Things are going great for a week and then all of a sudden it's over and I am mystified. Seriously I am mystified because it always starts out so well. Poor baby. Let's just roll with this one. Mike and I had such a connection. The first time that we had sex it was so beautiful... I cried. You cried? Yeah. You mean one glistening tear on your cheek, right? No, I was really emotional. I even told him that I loved him. After how many days? Five... Two. It was how I felt. I wanted to express myself. OK, well, what did he say? Mike didn't have to say anything. I know that he felt the same. But then he started getting really busy and I didn't know were he was. I kept calling him. He was never home... Calling him? I didn't leave a message. He didn't know it was me. My number's blocked. I'm sure he thought it was one of his friends. Men frequently call their friends' machines and hang up 20 times. Anyway I know why he dumped me. I'm too fat. (BOTH) You're not fat! If the most beautiful woman acted the way you did, any normal guy would still run away. No, no guy would go running from you, Andie. You could barf all over him and he would say, "Do it again." That is incredibly disgusting and untrue. If I did the things you did, I'd get dumped too. OK, family, shoes off. And breathe. Out. OK, Lori, let's start with you. The "Botox for beginners" piece is done. It's a little scary but upbeat. "What your gyno won't tell you" is also scary but, you know, upbeat. I finished my research on "Deadly pedicures" about the woman who contracted that fungus. It's a terrible story although surprisingly upbeat. Marvellous. What's next for "How-to with Andie"? I've been working on something kinda different. It's, it's a political piece and it's... No. Andie, you work at Composure magazine. We are fashion trends, diets, cosmetic surgery, salacious gossip - that's Composure. OK, but - Look, Andie. OK, the column is new for you. When you turn it into a must-read, you can write whatever you want. Until then you can write whatever I want. Understood? Yeah. Michelle, what have you got? I'm sorry, Lana, I wasn't feeling well. She got dumped. Ohhhh, noooo, Michelle. What a hellish ordeal for you but I must say you are looking fabulous. Are we loving the way she looks, all? (ALL TALK AT ONCE) I haven't eaten since the split. Good for you! Write about it. I can't use my personal life for a story. I understand completely. Who will use Michelle's personal life for a story? Oh, I will. Go. No, no, no. Lana, with all due respect, Lori has no business in my personal life. I can't let her. I'll do it. What? I'll, I'll sort of do it. It's... You will be my inspiration. For? Look at Michelle. She is a great girl, right? Ah, yes. An amazing woman. But she has a problem hanging onto relationships and doesn't know what she's doing wrong - like a lot of our readers. Uh-huh. So I was thinking that I could start by dating a guy and then drive him away but using the classic mistakes most women, like Michelle, make all the time. I'll keep a diary of it and it will be sort of a... ..dating How-to in reverse. What not to do. Yeah. "How to lose a guy in ten days." Yes. Go. Bart, what's new in the shoe - Wait, wait, Lana. I'm sorry. Why ten days? Five days is too short and we go to press in eleven. Yes. (Ten.) OK, what we found out is men are attracted to beautiful shoes. Maybe toss in something spiritual. Who's that Buddhist Richard Gere cavorts with? The Dalai Lama. Fabulous. Ah, here's my ten o'clock. Welcome. Hi. Ladies, Judy Spears and Judy Green from Warren advertising. We're cooking up some tie-ins for the fall. Jeannie Ashcroft, fashion and trends. Michelle Rubin, fitness and health. Excuse me. Hi. And Andie Anderson, our How-to girl. What are you working on now? "How to lose a guy in ten days." She's going to start dating a guy and then drive him away in a week and a half. Sounds needlessly vicious. It's going to be fabulous. Now all she has to do is find the lucky guy. Go, go, go. Ladies, come. Find guy. Find a guy. Oh, you are never going to pull this off. Watch me. Tonight I'll hook a guy. Tomorrow I'll pull the switch. Before ten days are up I'll have him running for his life. You're not gonna burn his apartment down or anything, are you? No. I'm limiting myself to everything girls do wrong in relationships. Basically everything we know guys hate. I'll be clingy, needy. Be touchy-feely. Yeah. Ooh, call him at night and tell him everything you had to eat that day. What's wrong with that...? I'm kidding. He's waiting. Hello, Ben. What are you doing here? Phil, I'm here for the meeting. Ladies. But you weren't invited. I should've been. It was my tip that DeLauer was shopping for a new firm. But I have to think who's best suited within the company. And that's me. I want to handle this. You sell Joe Blow better than anyone else but these girls sell luxury better than anyone else in the business. We have to put our best foot forward. DeLauer would be our biggest account. Yes, sir, they would. Annual advertising of $50-60 million. I am the man to bring this home for you. Why this place? It's perfect. Hi, Ingrid. Hi. Mullen's is the apres-work watering hole for the upwardly mobile. The industry targets men, sending the message that the woman needs the man to buy her the rock. They say, "A diamond is forever." We say, "A diamond is for everyone." I like that. Yes. We don't. "Everyone" sends the message that diamonds are everywhere, meaning they're not rare. If they're not rare, they lose their status. Status is the reason to buy them. Which Benjamin would know if he understood women. But you don't. You can't feel bad about that, Ben. No man does. Here you go. Thank you. Thanks. Oh, sorry. Here, here. Thanks. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Don't pressure her, she's perusing. Yes, exactly. Mm. Selling a diamond to a woman is like making her fall in love. She has to feel giddy, desirous, adventurous and desperate. Take a look around this room. Most women in this bar are looking for that. The skills required to market diamonds are the same as those to make a woman fall in love. I'm not talking about lust. A woman in lust wants chocolate, a woman in love wants diamonds. I'm not talking about lust either, ladies. I'm talking about deep, meaningful, head over heels, his-and-her towels, let's grow old together, L-O-V-E. Look, I love women. I do - whether they're four or forty or my 88-year-old grandmother... I respect woman. Alright? And I also listen to women. And that's why I can sell myself to any woman, anywhere, any time. Make a woman fall in love with diamonds, Benjamin, or with you? Uh, either one. That's cocky, Ben. No, not cocky. Confident. I'd like to see you prove that. You would? The agency is co-hosting a party for the DeLauers at the Astor Museum. It's a week from Sunday. Make a woman fall in love with you by then. Ten days? Any woman, anywhere, any time? Any single, available, straight woman, yes. Yes. I'm not trying to trick you, Ben. In fact we'll choose a woman, right here, right now, in this bar and then you decide. So who's the lucky girl? OK. Ah-ha. Let's see here. Oooh, there's that blonde babe in the leopard print. She looks like fun. Be nice, ladies. Or, wow, Miss Babylon 5. Now she's on the prowl. No. Her. Her who? Her, in the grey dress, blonde hair, pretty smile. Her? Done. What? Done. Done. See the guy next to the guy in the green shirt I would never consider? Very cute. Right. Good. Here I go. Oh. OK, you're on. But here are the stakes. After I win this bet, this pitch is mine. Agreed. Phil? Agreed. You come to that party with a girl that's really in love with you, Ben, you can pitch to the DeLauers. But Phillip, you can't - I've made up my mind. To the DeLauers. To the DeLauers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Mm-hm, hm. I was just wondering if you find... ..exciting? Yes. My wife and I love New York. Especially this time of year. She'd been here before and I... Hi. This is Andie. Hi. Hi. Um. You guys, enjoy New York. OK. Thanks. You're welcome. Nice meeting you. Good luck. Thank you, Phil. Now if you'll excuse me, ladies, I have a bet to win. Ta-ta. Now do you want to tell me what's going on? You don't recognise her? Hi. Hi. Hi. Andie Anderson. I'm Benjamin Barry. Cute. Thank you. I meant your name. Thank you, two times. Unattached? Currently. Likewise. Surprising. Psycho? Rarely. Mm. Interested? Perhaps. Hungry? Starving. Leaving? Now? Mm-hm. OK. OK. One second. I'll meet you at the door. Hey, guys. What? I think I got one. He was married. No, not him. It's the guy by the door but do-don't look. Don't, guys! Oh! He's really cute. I'm gonna check this one out and see if he's the keeper. OK. And if he is? Tomorrow night I'll... Flip the switch. I'm doing this for you. Good luck. Be safe. Call me. Mm, drama, drama, drama. No, no, no, this one. And you get to wear the goofy-looking helmet. This won't look goofy on me. It looks goofy on just about everybody. Look at you. It looks pretty damn cute. There you go. You ready to go for a ride, Andie? Are you ready to go for a ride, Ben? (LAUGHS) . (HUMS) Get it. Get it? So, what do you think? About the food or you? Both. This is delicious. Mm-hm? And I'm still deciding. Anything I can do to help? You can answer some questions for me. "Some" sounds a little indefinite. I'll give you three. What do you do for a living? I'm in advertising. I work with alcohol and athletic equipment and I'm trying to break into the jewellery market right now. Mm. Saving the world one keg party at a time? Something like that. What about you? What about me? Have I seen your work? I work at Composure. Fastest-growing women's magazine in the country. I'm impressed. Saving the world one shopaholic at a time, eh? Oh! Hey, alright, look here, sparky, I have a Master's in journalism from Columbia, my boss loves me, and if I do it her way for a while, I can write about anything I want. Like shoes? No. No,... ..like alcoholic beverages and athletic gear. Touche. Very nice. So, you think you got me all figured out? Almost. Still got one last question. Shoot. True or false,... ..all is fair in love and war? True. Great answer. Good question. Welcome. Oh, nice place. Thank you. Very tidy. Can I get you a cold beer? Sure. Can I use your restroom? Yeah, you can. It's up the stairs, through the bedroom. (CELL PHONE) "You are, aren't you? The first night. I can't believe you!" I'm not going to sleep with him. "Oh, you're such a hussy." "You can't hide those lying eyes." No, I can practise self-control unlike some people I know. "Oh, really? That hurts, kind of." # "Hot In Here" - Nelly I'm gonna dangle the bait. "Wait, what's the bait?" I'm the bait, Michelle. "Oh, yeah. OK, I'm with you and then what?" # It's gettin' hot in here # So hot # So take off all your clothes... # Cos I am gettin' so hot... A diamond is no one-night stand. # It's gettin' hot in here That's right. # So take off... # # "Let's Stay Together" - Al Green A diamond is a long-term commitment. "Take notes, record every detail." I have to go. "Call me later, slut." OK, bye. # Whatever you want to do # is alright with me. # Cos you make me feel... There you go. Thank you. You're welcome. # So brand new. # I want to spend my life with you... Oooh. # Me sayin' since, baby, # since we've been together, # oooh, loving you forever # is what I need. # Let me be the one... # OK. # I'll never be untrue. # Ooh, baby. # Let's... # Let's stay together. # Loving you whether. # Whether... # Hey, hey, let's not go too fast, OK? # Times are good or bad, happy or sad... # Yeah,... yeah. # Ooh, oooh. # Yeah. # Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad... # We're moving too fast. You're right. It's, it's too fast. OK. # Turn around and make up. # I just can't see. # You'd never do that to me... # (BOTH) Too fast. Yeah. I want you to respect me. I do. OK. And I want your respect. I respect you for respecting me. I respect that. Good. # Loving you whether... # Good night, Andie Anderson. Oh, you are already falling in love with me. I'm going to make you wish you were dead. Poor guy. Of all the women Spears and Green could have thrown at me, this one is amazing. Ten days is gonna be no problem. Only nine days longer than you've ever spent with any other chick. That's why I didn't go for gold. I'm taking my time. It's a marathon not a sprint. Ten days is a marathon? It's more like the 3,000m hurdles. She's already on the ropes, guys. Wow, that's a lot of sports analogies. Is that it? That's it. Have you looked inside? No. Do you have an ethical problem with rifling through a woman's purse? Uh, yeah, I guess I do. It's hardly a purse, more like a clutch. Guys, a woman's purse, it's her secret source of power. There are dark and dangerous things in there that we should know nothing about. Unless she left it intentionally to secure a next day call back. Mm-hm. She's a very clever minx. Oops! I'm sorry. We better clean that up. Yeah. Carefully, carefully. (WHISTLES) Hello, what have we here? I wanna see this. Oh! Knicks tickets for tonight's game. Delivery, Andie. Oh, look at those! Andie! Oh, my God. Where do you want them? Wait. "One hundred times." Oh! "More beautiful." Wait. "Than one hundred roses." Catchy. The guy's in advertising. He can't help it. So, does this mean he's hooked? This means he found the Knicks tickets. You left the tickets in the purse? Yeah. You are just on a whole different playing field. Here you go. (PHONE RINGS) Andie Anderson? Hey, hey, pretty girl. "Guess what?" I got a really embarrassing display of white roses. "You are welcome." I had a wonderful time last night. I have your bag. I know. I can't believe I left it there. You must need it back with all the cash, credit cards, and those Knicks tickets for tonight. Sounds like you've been peeking in my bag, Ben. Oh, absolutely not. Tony, my art director, he's an oaf and he accidentally knocked it over. Ow! Right. Yeah, I'm a clumsy man. Alright. I'm sorry, I'm going to the game with somebody else. "Not any more." You think you left your purse by accident? No, subconsciously you are dying to take me. Denying your subconscious desires is extremely dangerous to your health. Does that psychobabble work on anybody? You tell me. (CLEARS THROAT) < (Andie, you're so bad.) Meet me at the 7th Avenue entrance. "7:30, don't be late." You got it. Bye-bye. "Bye." And that's how it's done. And that's how it's done. (CHEERING / DRUMMING) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (ANNOUNCER) "Foul on 20, Allan Houston." Bullshit! Come on, ref! No! What is that, ref? If you call it, call it both ways! Oh, you're soft, man! You were soft last year and you're still soft! What was that? There we go! Turn it around. (ORGAN MUSIC) (CROWD) Defence! Defence! Come on, baby. Defence! Go, go, go, go! Defence! (WHISTLE BLOWS) Come up! Alright, take your minute. Put your play out. It's alright, we got 20 seconds. # "Kiss Me" - Sixpence None The Richer # Kiss me, # down by the broken tree house. # Swing me # upon its hanging tyre. # Bring, bring, # bring your flowered hat. # We'll take the trail marked on your father's map. # Oh, kiss me # beneath the milky twilight. # Lead me # out on the moonlit floor. "(BELL RINGS)" # Lift your open hand. # (ANNOUNCER) "Knicks' ball." (CAVALRY-CHARGE BUGLE CALL) Bring 'em back! (CROWD) Charge! Goodo. Come on up! (CROWD) Go! Benny? Work, work! Yeah? Benny, I'm thirsty. Yeah, yeah, OK. Yeah! Benny, can you get me a soda? But there's a minute nine left in the game. I'm really thirsty. I'll go get it. I'll get it. You want it right now? Yeah. No ice, Ben. Thanks, Benny. (ANNOUNCER) "Lawrence Funderburke." (TV) "Here's Sprewell with the fake. He gets the slip on Christie." My man, coke, no ice. Next line over, pal. Hey, buddy, small coke, no ice. Small coke, no ice. OK, you got it. "..he's beyond the point line." No, don't let him have that shot! No, you don't want ice or no, you want ice? No, ice. Coke, no ice. "Shady wants to talk it over..." Oh, did you want a small? No, I want that one there. For 25 cents more you could get a jumbo. You take that right there. Keep the change. (ORGAN MUSIC) Charge! Excuse me. Come on, baby! Drive it in there! Oh, thanks. Hey! Hold it, hold it! Move it! Watch it! Travel! Ben, it's not diet. Huh? Ben, it's not diet. Please, I'm so thirsty. With a lime, with a lime. Alright, alright, alright. (ORGAN MUSIC) Shoot it! (TV) "Sprewell for the win. Yes!" "Sprewell!" "It's over! The Knicks defeated the Kings in the final seconds." "Latrell Sprewell with the game-winning shot." "And the Knicks over Sacramento, 97 to 96." Oh, what an incredible game. I've never seen a more exciting game-ending play before. Wow. No, neither have I. Hey, hey, hey! It's too bad you missed it. Yeah, it's too bad. One second. So, are you as nice as you seem, Ben? No. Good, neither am I. Oh, here. 5th and 12th, please. See ya later. Horseshit. More horseshit. The horseshit continues. Horseshit. Come on. We've gotta do a lot better than this if we're gonna comp- What? There's a phone call for Mr Barry. Yeah, can you take a message, Candi? Mr Barry, it's Andie. Make it quick. I will. It's line two, Mr Barry. Thank you. Hello? It's me! I'm in a meeting. Can I call you back? "I miss you," Benny Boo-Boo, Boo, Boo, Boo. Well, you know what? I miss you, too. "Are you busy tonight?" No, why don't we catch a movie? "A movie? My choice?" Your choice. Oh, I'm so excited. OK, I'll call you later. Bye-bye. "Bye." Oh! (SCREEN) "Donna!" "Dad!" I always wanted a man like Tom Hanks. It's my favourite movie of all time. (Yeah, me too.) Shh! "What if something happened to you?" "What if I couldn't get to you?" What are you thinking? (Nothing. I'm watching the movie.) Ahem! Yeah, but what's on your mind? (I like this movie.) Oh, so, I suppose your mind is a complete blank? Who is she? Who's who? The girl you're thinking about. Can't hear. I'm not thinking about a girl. Oh! You can't watch Meg Ryan... Shh! ..for two hours and not think about another girl. You wanna know what I'm thinking about? Yes. I'm sitting here thinking about how damn beautiful you are. (That's what I'm thinking about. Let's watch this movie. It's good.) Oh,... ..Benji,... ..you're so amazing. I love sharing this with you. (Yeah.) Can't hear and can't see! If you don't shut up, my boyfriend over here is gonna pummel your ass. Put a muzzle on your old lady when you bring her out in public! What? Ease up. Do something - You, outside! Have a little class. Talk like that to me but not to a lady, alright? Ben, wait a minute. He's huge. I'm not gonna fight the guy, OK? He owes you an apology. Oh! Oh, oh! I'm gonna go back inside and finish watching Sleepless in Seattle. Nobody screw with me. Son of a bitch. Oh, Ben. Ah!! Are you OK? Ohh! Ben, maybe we should get you to a hospital. No. You could have a... Excuse me! Can you hold still right there? Hold still. OK, I'm sorry. Oh, ooh! Oh, oh, yeah. I'm starting to feel really nice. Ben? I'm starting to feel better. Ben! Ben! Oh, my God, you're fine. OK, come on, Rocky. Get up. Ouch. Huh? Yeah. Hey, don't feel bad. If I had a nickel for every fight I had during a chick flick... Right. It wasn't that bad. Really? Getting punched sucked. Well, sure. But gettin' taken care of after? It was nice. Oh, yeah. Florence Nightingale syndrome. Do you want me to tape the game for you tonight? No need, my friend. I'll be watching the Knicks from the comfort of my own home this evening. How'd you swing that? What's the coup de grace? No? Heavyweight. You're making the lamb. Voila. A woman loves a man who can cook. Bring out the big guns. I like it. Why do they always forget my bacon? I can't believe he got knocked out. Only for a few seconds. He was the most adorable, unconscious man ever. Are you dating him or are you contemplating adoption? Andie, I am loving your notes on this piece. Thank you, Lana. When are you seeing him again? Tonight. He's invited me over for dinner. Marvellous. I've got a feeling about this one. Thanks, Lana. I hate it when she pops her head in like that. You never know wh- Ahem, I heard that. And Andie, tonight... take smaller bites. Oh, my God! Disgusting. I can barely eat over here. Mmmmm. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Come on in, the door's open! Hi. Hey, there. I hope you brought your appetite, girl. Whew! We got a feast tonight. Mmm. Oh, Benny, isn't that sweet. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Got dinner in about five and tip-off in about eight. Great. I'm starving. Mmm, ohhh! Ohhhh, so perfectly pink! Pour la piece de resistance. Sheryl, Tori, Sinead, Jewel, Fiona, Carly. The gang's all here! Great. Got two minutes to game time. # "You're So Vain" - Carly Simon. (SINGS ALONG) # You walked into the party, # like you were walking onto a yacht. # Your hat strategically dipped below one eye. # Your scarf, it was apricot. Wow. Look at all this stuff. # You had one eye in the mirror # as you watched yourself gavotte Saw the... the new comforter. # and all the girls dreamed that # they'd be Ben's partner, they'd be Ben's partner # and you're so vain. # What you got in the box? Oh,... it's a baby fern. Really? Oh, yeah? Just like our relationship. A helpless little baby in need of tender loving care. Thank you. # Several years ago. # Sit down. Ooh! (TV) "Let's check out the starting line-up..." Have a seat. Ready? "Latrell Sprewell, Allan Houston" Game Two! Welcome to the front row, madam. Oh, oh, up here. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, dinner is served. The chef's special tonight, lamb with a cherry glaze. Start you off with the main dish. Right about there, a few carrots... Hey, hey, are you OK? It's beautiful. Thanks. You're beautiful. The game, the whole th... I wish I ate meat. # Mary had a little lamb, little lamb... # You have to take it away before I gag. Ughh, this stuff's for cows. Hey. Hi. How you doing? Oh, it's just a little indigestion. You OK? Mm-hm. Excuse me, ma'am? Do you know the score of the Knicks game? Do I look like the kind of person who'd know? No, you don't. Is something wrong with the barley? No, no. My boyfriend thinks I'm fat! And I can't eat in front of him. I can't eat in front of you! I have to go to the bathroom. (I don't think you're fat.) I don't think she's fat. What's happening? Spree just tied it up. 23 seconds left. Knicks' ball. (TV) "With the ball." Oh, come on! Yes, there it is! Oh! That was in! Get it back. Oh! Get the ball back! Get the ball back! Ahhh. Uh, get back! No! Damn! "And the game has run out." "The Kings have beaten the Knicks." Pick up! "First win of the series." Next game. . Well, that was fun. 11:25. Sports, there we are. "Cut it to ten. It's Mark Johnson" Uh-huh. Sorry we missed the game. Post, post! Come back! Reverse it! There we go, baby! I can't believe he missed that shot. Take it! Hit it! Agh! How the hell did you know he was gonna miss that shot? "An Earl Monroe move! 97 to 95." He always misses the shot from the top of the key. "Knicks did not get another shot." Mmm... Ah, man. Houston never misses from the top of the key. (SAXOPHONE MUSIC) Oh. Mmmmm, ohhh. Does Princess Sofia want to come out and play? Who's Princess Sofia? (GASPS) No, no, no. Noooo! Whoa, you're kidding me, right? Princess Sofia? Little, big, little, big, I don't know. We will find out. Oh, no. Hang on there. Ahhh. Ah! Alright. You can't name my member Princess Sofia. It doesn't... Yes, I can. Listen, if you're gonna name my member, you gotta name it something masculine. Like Spike, or Butch, or Krull The Warrior King. But not Princess Sofia. What did you just say? Spike, you know what I mean? No, no, after Spike. Butch. After Butch. Krull. Krull The Warrior King. Does Krull The Warrior King want to come out and play? Oh, come on. No. (IN SILLY VOICE) Krully Krull. Krull. You know what? Due to intense humiliation, the King has momentarily abdicated his throne. OK? Oh! Uh-oh. Yeah. Well, in that case,... ..I'd better get going. Take care of our love fern, honey. Hey. Can I see you tomorrow? Really? I hope so. Call me. I will. And I'll call you. Sweet dreams Answer your phone! What? What was icy again? Artic, freezing, frigid. How about glitter? Thayer's favourite movie. It was underrated. Huh? Er, glint, glisten, scintillation. Scintillation, that's not bad. That sucks. Let's take a break. Coffee, nine ball, shake it up. Maybe I'll be able to concentrate since the woman is driving me crazy. Which one? Andie or Princess Sofia? Agh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You said after the Knicks game that she was a goddess. Oh, she was. That was the good Andie, guys. This amazing, fun, cool, sexy woman. I'm talking about Evil Andie now. It's like a crack-enhanced Kathie Lee Gifford. She's probably bipolar. Well, her south pole is definitely prevailing. All you gotta do is rock her for five more days, Muffin! Which shouldn't be too difficult. Hi. Andie! My little muffin. We were just talking about you. Hello. How are you? You look gorgeous. Thank you. This is Tony and Thayer. Benny Wenny has told me so much about you two. He said wonderful things about you. They don't look so simple-minded. Honey, look what I got for us. Look at that. Wow! Oh! Look at him go. What is it? It's a Chinese Crested, of course. No kidding, a Chinese Crested. Hmm. So, it's like a dog, right? Oh, there he is. Oh! Ben, Ben, you're hurting Krull's feelings. Krull, is it? Krull. Krull The Warrior King. Sure, that's clearly what - Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, wait, there's more. What you got there? Oh, nice. For me? Mm-hm. Get outta town. Try it on. It's like the inside of a raincoat. Medium. Try it on. That is gonna fit nicely. Thank you. No, Ben, put it on. You should try it on. Go for it. Manners never hurt anybody. I was gonna save it for a special occasion. Check that out. Oh, yeah, that's nice. Mm? You're a vision in khaki. It's gonna be a happy little family. Just the three of us. We are, aren't we? Wow. He's a boy, Ben. Oh, that's sweet. Hey, whoa, whoa! Hey! Andie, it's good to see you, too, sweetie. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Oh, he's just not potty trained yet. Whoa! Oh! OK, well, he's a pisser. Oh, God! No, no! Come here, my little tinkle king. Come here, tinkle king. He's a tinkle king. How's my little tinkler? Well, congratulations, little plaid family. We're still on for poker at your house this weekend? Oh, count on it. Whoo! Boys' night. Yeah! Whoo! It was nice meeting you and Krull. Bye. Say bye, Krully. (YELPS) He goes, "Woof, woof!" Yeah, thank you, buds. Oh, come here. Oooh, do you love him? Oh, I do. Oh, look at Krull's necklace. He's got more ice than Liberace, don't ya'? Oh, it's just a little frosting. Frosting? Frosting. We were thinking bold, new, fresh. Frost yourself. Excuse me? Frost yourself. The slogan for the campaign. You frost a cake. I'm talking about diamonds. They're frosting. As in, "Whoa, would you check out her frosting." Frost yourself. Did you come up with it? I got it off the woman who's falling for me. It may have possibilities but the woman falling madly in love? I will decide that at the party. If he can get her there. Just think about it. "Ladies, frost yourself." Frost yourself. Could introduce it at the party. It should be the theme. Yes. Everything frosted. Martini glasses. Chandeliers. Jewels everywhere. The women. The whole party, a sparkling diamond. All of it frosted. Women of New York, frost yourselves! Hey, frost this! Well, I like it. (DOG YELPS) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear ya. (ANSWERPHONE) "You have 17 new messages. (BEEPS)" "Message one. Received at 5:44." Whoa! Sit down. Sit. "Hi, sweetie, it's me. Where are you?" I'm not home. "Two. Received at 5:47." "Benny, it's Andie. Guess you're not home." "(BEEPS)" "Three. Received at 5:48." "Benny bear, are you not answering your phone?" I am. "(BEEPS)" "Four. Received at 5:49." "Hey, game three tonight." (KNOCK AT DOOR) "Don't be late or I will kill you." Who is it? Me! "Five. Received at 5:52." "It's me. (LAUGHS)" Agh! Ow! Ow, what a surprise! I tried to get a hold of you. Yeah? I did something kind of wacky. Yeah? Yes. I used Photoshop at work today to composite our faces together to see what our kids would look like. "Our Family Album." You don't want to see our children? We don't have... children. You know what? I'm sorry. No, no, I didn't mean it like that. Show me, show me, show me, show me. Please, show me. We don't have children! No, I thought you meant Krull. I just... Will you show them to me? You don't want to see them. I do. Please, please, show them to me. I really do want to see them. Really? Yeah. OK. Oh, that's our wedding. And this is our first child. Benny Jnr. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, there's us vacationing in Hawaii. Little Andie is on my shoulders and da da-da dah! Benjamin Jnr on yours! Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's little Andie. Oh, there are the kids in Switzerland. (YODELS) Our kids are really... attractive. (PHONE RINGS) Yeah? Oh, hey, Mom. Oh, yeah, I'm doing fine. Yeah, yeah, she is, just a second. It's for you. Oh, great. Hi, Glenda. Why is my mom calling you? Shh! I just showed him. Yeah. Well, he thinks our children will be very attractive. (LAUGHS) Oh, no. Alright, you go back to cooking. Call me later. Tomorrow, yeah, great. OK, Glenda, love you too, bye. Thanks, honey. Yeah. So, you and my mom talk, huh? Yeah, I called her to get some baby pictures of you for our book. Hey, you never told me that you wore diapers till you were five. You know what? I gotta go to the - Uh-oh. Ah, no, come on, man. Do you think maybe he thinks the felt is grass? (HUMS) Ohhhhh! Aaaghhh! Agh, no, no! No, man, come on! Hey, Benny bear? Hey. Do you have plans tonight? Tonight? I have another surprise for you. Ahh! You know what? Not a good night for me. I've got to work. Of all things. Oh, no. Yeah, got a Knicks game on. I had a casserole planned for you and me, right there in front of the TV but I gotta go into work. That's too bad cos I had tickets for tonight. Tickets? Tickets. Great tickets. Front row seats, right in the action. I mean, you can smell sweat. I guess... ..I don't really have to. Why don't I call Tony and he can come fill in for me, right? Great. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Honey, you're more than welcome. Yes! Oh, look what time it is, huh? This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience and I'm gonna share it with you. Reaches up, you bring it down. The most powerful thing I've ever seen. After all this, he didn't leave you? This calls for drastic measures. Come on, guys, concentrate. Are you being clingy? Clingy, needy, whiny. Baby talk? Occasionally. I could kick that up a notch. I used to obsess over Mike's old girlfriends. Talk about all your old boyfriends. It's good but it's not going to crack this guy. I mean, this is Defcon Five. I have to do something appalling. It's not funny. I have to think of something before tomorrow. Wait. Why not tonight? Poker night. Boys' night out. Mike used to have a boys' night. Boys' night? They do it every week. Before he met you. What are you suggesting? I think you know what I'm suggesting. Feel lucky, boys? Yeah. Gentle Ben. That's two bucks. I'm feeling luckier than you cos I did not have to sit through a Celine Dion concert. That's what love is all about. I fold. Alright, raise you 50. She's in love with you? She's planning the wedding. Call. Alright, guys, read 'em and weep. I've got ladies over fours. Huh? Damn! Nothin'. Three and an ace. I love it, it does not get any better than this. Look at that. Bennykins, I'm home! Hi, honey. Hey, Andie. She has a key? Is that legal? I wasn't expecting you. How'd you get a key? Oh, honey, Francesco, your super. He made me a copy. Francesco, huh? Hm. Alright. You're not mad are you, binky winky? No, I'm not mad. No, no, I'm not mad. Oh, good. You know the guys. Everybody... Oh, yes. (ALL) Hey! Whoa! Oh! No! Whoa! Tony, hi. Tony. Yeah. Ronald. Ronald. Hello. Joe. Joe. Hey. Andie, guys. I didn't mean to interrupt your game. We're all straightened out. I brought some yummy snacks. Snacks? That's right. The game is Hold 'em. Three up for company. Ante a dollar. Oh, Tony? Mmm? Yucky, yucky pizza. Yucky pizza. Oh, no. Yummy, yummy cucumber sandwich. Oh. Great, first card up is a nine. I'll take one. Yeah, sure, yeah. Yeah. Good boys. Good. Here we go, get rid of those. Three up. Three up. I'm in a buck. You follow. See it. Look around the horn. Alright. Sssss! Thanks, Benny. Thayer? That means you too, Thayer. Oh, yeah. Everyone in for a buck. Next card, five. Nines and fives. That's back to you. Whoo! Nine and a seven. Go for the straight. Hmm. It's you, Tony Bone. You're up, man. She told you my hand. Peek a boo! Oh, hi! Hey! Hi! Hey,... guys, are we gonna play cards here? What's going on? What game are we playing? We're playing Hold 'em? Yeah, yeah. Who's betting? Alright, I'm already maxed out. We've got a nine up, nine up, guys. Blow. Blow. Nobody likes a Mr Sniffles. I hate Mr Sniffles. Come on, stuffy head. BLOWS NOSE Good, good, good. Ooh, white. Healthy boy. Yes. Mm-hm. Healthy. Oh, no. Oh, no. (GASPS) Our love fern! It's dead. No, honey, it's just sleeping. You let it die! Are you going to let us die? Hm? You should think about that. What the hell is a love fern? Alright, guys, let's try to get through one hand. I'll see you and I raise you... Is she on something? God, I hope so. Ahem. Hi. Are you saying I am some kind of MENTAL PERSON?! Whoa! Hey! No, no, he wasn't... (DOG BARKS) Oh, Tony! Watch it! He was talking about... That's it! Oh, come on. That is it! Andie? I'm taking this love fern with me. Hang on. Hey. Hey, hey, hey, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! What just happened in there? I'm gonna go listen. Yeah. Quietly. Look, this is getting really creepy. You're acting completely insane. You know that? So, I am insane. No, you're acting insane. Shut up, Krull! (WHINES) Oh, he's an innocent animal. Yeah, he'll live. I'm talking to you. I can't be with somebody who thinks I'm a mental person. That's what I'm talking about. Where's the sexy, cool, fun, smart, beautiful Andie that I knew? The one who wanted to be a serious journalist, huh? You're up, down, you're here, there. You're like a one-woman circus! So, I guess this means we're over. I guess so. Fine. Fine. Oh, finally. Whoo! Whoa! It's over, men. Oh, man, that's... (BOTH) No! No! No! No! No! No! It is, man, it's over. Four more days! Four. Guys, you were here. You saw the one-woman homage to The Exorcist? It was sexy. Yeah. It is not sexy. He's right. Forget it, he's right. So, do you think Spears and Green are gonna be comfortable in their new office? Absolutely. Guys, stop. He'll be selling footballs for the rest of his life! It's done. What? Couples therapy. Of course! What? It will buy you at least four days. It's true. Couples therapy? Couples therapy. Couples therapy? COUPLES THERAPY! Couples therapy. Come on! Couples therapy. Couples therapy! Couples therapy! Whoa! Agghh! Andie! Whoa, whoa, whoa, listen. Forgive me, sugar puss? I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry. I am way out of line, Andie. Can you, can you give me another chance? Haven't you had enough? Look, I'm willing to do anything. Get up. Get up. I'll do anything, Andie. Look, what do you think about... What do you think about couples therapy? Couples therapy? Look, Thayer up there, he's got this doctor. Says he's a hell of a guy. No, I know a therapist who will work wonders with you, Benjamin. Yes, that's what I need. I will call and schedule an emergency session. Baby, whatever it takes. I guess. Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you for understanding. I love you, binky. But I don't have to like you right now. Thank you, Andie. Damn it! Shit! If you're really gonna commit to this you're gonna have to open up, and dig deep. OK. Bare that beautiful soul. Let me see your teeth. Andie Anderson, Benjamin Barry, please, come in. Hi. Welcome. How are you paying for this session? Sweetie? How much is it? $300. 300? Mm-hm. Whatever it takes, yeah. So, tell me, how long have you guys been seeing each other? Seven days. Seven days? Interesting. Is it too soon to see a therapist? Well, Ben, seven days isn't like a lifetime or anything. It's like a week. It... Did you hear that tone? How can we not have a gulf between us with a tone like that? How are things between you sexually? Oh. Oo-ooh. No, we haven't had sex. Oh, no, Ben has a little bitty problem. Oh. I don't have a problem. You do. No, I do not have a problem. Yeah. I do not have a problem. Look, wait a minute, the one night we even got close to having sex, she up and decides she's gonna nickname my... Penis? Yeah. Princess Sofia. Huh? Talk about shootin' a man's horse. Wa! It was a beautiful name. Mm, I see, Benjamin. When was it that you first realised you were attracted to other men? Oh, that's serious. What? Yeah. Mm. Benjamin, this is a safe space. Look, I like women. OK? It just happened that way. Methinks thou doth protest it too much. This is the shit I'm talking about. What'd I do? Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. This is what she does. Stop that. You know, I'm hearing a lot of latent anger here, Benjamin. Ahhh, rageaholic. I'M NOT A RAGEAHOLIC! I called that one. Take a deep breath for me, Ben. You can let it go, just let it go. Yeah. Yeah, I feel better. OK. Come here. I've seen this before. I've seen it many times. Yeah? Yeah. Would you two like to be left alone? No. Maybe you should get a room. You are hitting on our shrink! No. No, I'm not. Yes, you are! And you're a pathological flirt! Jesus. Five seconds ago, I'm gay? Now I'm a pathological flirt? I sweat when I get nervous. Which is it? Why would I need another woman? You've got enough personalities to keep me completely occupied. That was hurtful. OK, Ben, are you ashamed of Andie? Of course he is. I'm not ashamed. Of course he is. I'm not ashamed. How do you think that makes me feel? I'm not ashamed of you. It's like when I talked to his mother, he freaked out. Yeah... No, you did that behind my back. I just wanted to say hi. You wanna talk to my mother? Talk to her. Hey, you wanna talk to the family, you can talk to them. We can spend the weekend with them in Staten Island. That is positive. It is? How about it? Andie? What? Would you like to go to Staten Island? . Uncle Ben, hi! Yes, ma'am. Hey, Mom! Pop! We're here! Yeah, bullshit! Who's that handsome guy? That's my Dad when he was in the navy. He got stationed here ten years ago. Bullshit! Uh-oh. Hey, darlin'. I'm glad to see you. Hey, sweetie, how are you doin'? Good. Perfect timing. You know who this is. I do. Check the baby. Hi, Andie. Hi. I'm so happy to have you here. Glenda! You're just as pretty as you sound. I'm coming! Jesus. Excuse me. Show her upstairs, honey? Oh, yeah. And this is Joey Jnr. Bullshit! And the whole family suffers from Tourette's. And Joey here suffers from being a stinky rose. You're so handsome. We're gonna clean you up. Go on out, have a good time. OK. (SCREAMS) Got you! OK! He got you. (SCREAMING) Jeremy hit me! Uncle Arnold says three kings. Yeah, right. OK, dare I say it or not? Say it. I'm just gonna say it. OK, I'm just gonna say it. Bullshit! Hi. Honey. Oh, wow! Look at this. Andie. Come on out here, Andie. Meet everybody. I want you to meet Ben's father, Jack. Hi. Well, hello. Welcome to our humble abode. This is Uncle Arnold. This is Andie. Hi, Uncle Arnold. You gotta watch him. He farts like a Howitzer but he's family. Intestinal complications. Yeah, right, Arnold. Did you meet Joey? A female Andie. I-E. Nice to meet you. OK, here we go. The game is bullshit. And you are just in time, my dear. I don't know how to play. We're gonna teach you. The trick is to get rid of all your cards, alright? I'm gonna see what I've got here. And I've got two aces here. Well, two aces. What do you say to that? What are you gonna say? I say, bullshit. What did she say? I didn't hear. You guys? What'd you say? I said bullshit! Alright! She knows how to play the game. Yes, sir. Come to Poppa. Get on over there, big man. How ya doin', Unc? Hi, Ben. My grandson. Pop. Hey, how ya doin', buddy? Want to join us? Good luck. Oh, ho! What'd you leave me with, Joe? The expert is here. OK, we're gonna start. So we got a two. Let's see, got myself one deuce here. Bullshit. Oh! He's a human lie-detector, isn't he? Bullshit, Pop. Try this, son. Two threes. Mm-hm. One four. Three fives. Bullshit. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You see who's name's on top of the board? Yes, it says, Ben, with a star next to it. You still want to bullshit me? You must be so proud. I'm doing my best. What do we got? Yes. Did I bu, bu, bu...? We got... No, I told the truth. ..three fives. He's good, he's the champ. What am I? Sixes to you. One six. One six, alright. Ooh, I got sevens. The key to this game is being able to read people. Two eights. Bullshit. Bullshit, Momma. Huh? I'm gonna have to hurt you. Uh-huh? Momma's never been great at it but why? Just cos I'm so pure of heart. So pure of heart. Bullshit. Hello? Where is everybody? Hey! Whoa, there she is! Hi, sweetheart. This is Andie. My sister, Dora. Hi. Nice to meet you. She's kicking Ben's ass in bullshit. Yeah, yeah. I like this girl. That's right. Ben's starting a card collection. Alright, let me get back on track. Gentle Ben starts with three ladies. That's to you. What do you say about that? Bullshit. You heard me, I said bullshit. (LAUGHING) What is that, seven in a row, sparky? I think somebody's met his match. Well, it's... all about reading people. Loser. OK, two kings. Bullshit? BULLSHIT! Yeah, you! I'm your daddy now. You have met your match! And you, Mom, Miss Pure-of-Heart. Pop, we'll talk. And you're hiding behind my back! Cheated! Betrayed by own parents. The only honest man in this place is Uncle Arnold who's asleep. But I won. I'm gonna go and play with the kids. Maybe they won't lie and cheat. Now, Andie, I hope you know we're expecting you to come back here because you have held Ben to his lowest score since his tonsillectomy... Yeah, yeah, yeah! ..and we are thrilled! Lowest! Were his other girlfriends bullshit losers? What other girlfriends? Come on, he's picky. You are the first girl he's ever brought home. Don't you break his heart. And that dress, does that come in my size? # There's a new wind blowin' like I've never known. # I'm breathin' deeper than I've ever done, # and it sure feels good # to finally feel the way I do... # Your turn. My turn? Yes, ma'am. Ooh. How's that feel? Heavy. Good. Keep the clutch in. That's the clutch. Brake on your right, gears on the left. One down. OK. Now, to take off give a little on the clutch, you're gonna go a little here. Little give, a little go. How's it go? A little give and a little go? Yeah. Whoa! (SCREAMS) Clutch, clutch, clutch. And a little brake. There we are. Yes, ma'am. You got it? I've got it. I got it. Whoo! You got it. Voila! Voila! Voila! There's a lotta cool things about a bike, you know. Use less gas, no traffic jams, park wherever you want. But at the end of the day... Thank you. ..chicks dig 'em. Hey! Oh! Agh, take that! You look so cute. Let me ask you a question. Chicks dig this? Yes, chicks dig this. # I'm ready to love somebody. # Love somebody like you. # I turned! Oh, oh, who's driving like a pro? Yeah, look at you. Oooh! Look at this look. Now this shower... Whoa! It's a little tricky. The hot is cold, the cold is hot. You gotta crank it all the way up at first and if somebody flushes the toilet in Bayonne, you get scalded. Towels are right there. Everything alright? Is this OK? Oh, no, it's more than OK. I love everything about this house, the noise, the smells. Oh, the smells. That's Uncle Arnold, I mean... What's wrong? It was just that when your mom hugged me today,... ..she really hugged me... ..for winning a game of bullshit. Sweetie, that's a good thing. Smile. Smile. Come on, give me a smile. OK, that's good, that's it. You're scarin' me. # "It Feels Like Home" - Chantal Kreviazuk # Something in your eyes # makes me wanna lose myself # makes me wanna lose myself. # In your heart, # there's something in your voice # makes my heart beat fast. # Hope this feelin' lasts # for the rest of my life. # If you knew how much # this moment means to me # and how long # I've waited for your touch, # and if you knew how happy # you are making me # I never thought # that I'd love anyone so much. # It feels like home to me. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. Pop that round your neck, mate."' 1 (MAN) THINKS: 'Man, Steve is really smelly. 'Oh, sort that out. 'He smells like a teenager's watch band. 'I look like Tintin. He's cool ` Tintin. 'How do you tell a guy he smells? Do you have a smell intervention? 'Maybe just wait for his birthday and just go, 'Happy birthday, Steve!' CAR HONKS 'Ooh, sorry! 'And for a present you give him a deodorant and say, "Oh, here's a nice necklace. '"It's actually a car deodoriser. Pop that round your neck, mate."' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! CAR RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY # ...home to me. # It feels like home to me. # It feels like I'm all the way back # where I come from. # It feels like home to me. # It feels like home to me. # It feels like I'm all the way back # where I belong. # This is home, huh? This is home. Tomorrow night my boss is throwing a party for that diamond account. I want you to come with me. OK. OK? Yeah. As my girlfriend. Are you calling me your girlfriend? Yeah, I think I am. Won't tomorrow be the tenth day we've been seeing each other? Mm-hm. Maybe after that, we'll know. Listen, don't make any plans for day 13, OK? Cos... we have a game to go to. (GASPS) Uh-huh? Oh! Not as good seats as you got us but this is game seven, yeah? Yes? OK. Yes? Lana, I can't write this article. Is your computer broken? I've gotten to know this guy... Andie, do you see any patches or insignia anywhere on my clothing? No. It's because I'm not your Girl Scout leader, I'm your boss. You'll write the article. This cover is at the printer as we speak with a special section on diamonds which is going to take care of my ad quota for the entire year. I want copy on my desk in 48 hours. OK, but, Lana - No, "But, Lana", you'll do it... because you're a professional. Yes, I am. You're beautiful. You look pretty good too, sparky. Champagne, madam? Thank you. (PIANO MUSIC) Chalk one up to couples therapy. Oh, some party. Hm? You're gonna do great. I'm gonna go to the bar and get us a couple of drinks. While I do that would you, please, head over there and frost yourself? I can wear those? Yes, ma'am, you can. Phillip! Lana. Here you are, throwing the bash of the year. I'm glad you could make it. Like them? Ah, it suits you. I know! Harry Winston. How did you get all these jewellers to appear at the same event? Oh, at the request of Mrs DeLauer. Really? You see, Mr DeLauer controls 70% of the world's diamonds... ..and Mrs DeLauer controls Mr DeLauer. You're bad. Ah, enjoy. Lana? This is real? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I insist. (SPEAKS FRENCH) Yes, sir. Such beauty should be celebrated. Oh! Oh! Isadora. Oh, no, I'm Andie. Oh, and a pleasure to meet you, Andie, but this is Isadora. Tournes, tournes, s'il vous plait. 84 carats. Named for Isadora Duncan. Congratulations, you got her here. Yeah. But the question remains... Does she, or doesn't she? We're gonna find out. Une ange de dieu. An angel of God. I am Fred. Andie Anderson. Well, it looks like you've got some competition, anyway. Miss Anderson will be wearing Isadora for the evening. Enjoy the party, Andie. Merci beaucoup. Oh, that's stunning. Fabulous. Excuse me. Two champagnes, please, sir. Pardon me, would you be kind enough to order me a whisky sour? Yes, ma'am, I can. Mrs DeLauer? Yes. Ben Barry, Warren Advertising. How do you do? Nice to meet you. I'm very happy to meet you too. Can I get a whisky sour, please? I can promise you that our presentation will not weary you, Mrs DeLauer. I cannot wait to see what you'll present, Benjamin. Ladies, do you see what I see? Oh, Phillip, that's ridiculous. She couldn't possibly. Don't be so sure. She might possibly. I think I'll go find out. (PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES) Er, excuse me? You're Andie, yes? Yes. I'm Phillip Warren. Oh, you're Ben's boss. That's right. Hi, pleasure to meet you. Pleasure to meet you. I understand you've inspired Ben in more ways than one. And I must say you look rather inspired yourself. There isn't a diamond in the room that sparkles like a woman in love. Oh, no, no. I'm not in love. No? I guess I was mistaken. No, no, no, I mean,... ..I mean I've only him for ten days, I... You can't... I can't be... Ben is a very lucky man. Excuse me. (Yeah.) Mr Warren, please, don't tell him. Please, don't tell him. . Ben? Hey, hello, gentlemen. She loves you, she loves you not, what is it? Don't know. We'll see. Ben! Mr Warren. Saw her, met her, she loves you, you win, get ready to pitch. Alright! Yes! Huh! Ahh! Congratulations, point man. We're very proud. So, you're the new point man on the DeLauers. She loves me. Good for you and good for whoever she is. Ah! Ah. Thank you, so much. You're so very welcome. Ahem! Gloating, are we? Yeah, pretty much. Mm-hm. Warren told us so... Yeah, you don't mess with my man Ben. Your man Ben is a cheater. The girl has known from the beginning. She played along so Ben would win. Tell him to enjoy his short-lived, ill-gotten victory. We're going to talk to Warren. No? Let's... Couldn't be. Hey, remember us? Hi. Hi. You know, uh, Warren is gonna come over here in a minute and it would be so great if you could just, you know, like act like you don't know anything about the bet. I mean, if you could tell him that you really, truly love Ben - you know, you weren't pretending so he would win - that would be, er,... huge. So, what's the average Composure reader like? Spunky, insatiable, uppity - you bet. If you will excuse me, Lana, there is a beautiful young woman in a yellow dress I must go to. Andie, yeah, she's my How-to girl. How-to? Yes. She's doing an article called, "How to lose a guy in ten days." Just look him straight in the eye... And you never heard about any bet. Love, no bet. (LAUGHS) I understand. Awesome. Thanks. Thank you. You look beautiful. (LAUGHS) This poor schmuck she's been pretending to date - she's actually dating the guy. She's doing atrocious things to him. She's actually named his... She's named his... You're Krull. Um, ladies and gentlemen, may I ask you all kindly to be seated? Now we're all suitably frosted... We haven't much time to play. ..and the ladies do look lovely, please help me give a warm welcome to our special guests of the evening, Mr and Mrs Frederick DeLauer. And now I want to introduce a true musical legend who will perform some of his Oscar, Grammy, Tony and Emmy award-winning songs, Mr Marvin Hamlisch. Thank you, very much I really do app- Oh, yes, give another hand for, uh, Marvin Hamlisch is in the house! Ow! A lot of you out here don't know Benjamin Barry. Well, shame on you. Cos he is a talented advertising executive, a knowledgeable sports fan and a wagering enthusiast. But most impressively, he is one hell of a singer. And he has prepared a little musical snack for his new special friend, Mrs DeLauer. Oh, isn't that wonderful! So, Ben, why don't you come up here and sing your song? Oh. Come on, Ben! Ladies and gentlemen, Benjamin Barry. Come on, Ben. Thank you, thank you. Andie, whoa, whoa! Don't run off! Do not let this young lady leave the room. Thayer, Tony, would you stop her, please? Tonight the special event is that we will be singing, her and I, a duet. Yes, Miss Andie Anderson. Please, give a warm round of applause. Andie, Andie Anderson. Knock 'em out. Let's see what our song will be. Maybe one of her personal favourites. Marvin, do you know You're So Vain? That's not one of my songs. Work with me, Marvin? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! # You walked into the party # like you were walkin' onto a yacht. # You had your hat pulled down real strategically over one eye, # you had a scarf, I think it was apricot. Strategically tipped below one eye. # You had one eye in the mirror # as you made sure you got a cool... Gavotte. Yeah. # And all the girls think that they'd be your partner. # They'd be his partner cos he's so vain. # You probably think this song is about you. # Ben Barry, you're so vain. # You probably think this song is about you, don't you, don't you? # Tone deaf and drunk! You fooled me to win a bet. You should be ashamed. You took me to a damned Celine Dion concert, made me miss the game! Oh, smart guy's a rhymer. # Well, do we want everybody to know your lovemaking is lame? # Because you named my penis, you named my penis, # you named my penis after a dame! # I think you have to get over that. You're so vain! No, you're so vain! This is the worst thing I've ever heard. Don't ya? No! # Because yooooou're sooooo... # You're so vain. # You're so vain! # ..vaaaaain! # You do know the words so well, don't you? Ladies and gentlemen, there she goes. Thanks, guys. Take it from here, Marvin. (LAUGHS) Wasn't she wearing the Isadora diamond? Isadora! Oh, mon dieu! Securite! No, no, no, no, no! Hold on, Andie Anderson. I'm not done with you. You used me to get ahead in work. I used you? You arrogant, backstabbing jerk! Hold it! Lady, hold it! Come on, you drove me half-insane for a magazine article! And you can make any girl fall in love with you and I was exhibit A. Ma'am... TIME OUT! (BOTH) WHAT?! Look, please, gimme the necklace then you guys can go on and kill each other. So, that's what I was, huh? I was a guinea pig to test your theories on? Yeah, and I was just a girl somebody picked out in a bar. Yeah, you know what? Big deal. You can use it as a twist in your story. That's a good idea, we should bet on it. You know what? You did your job, Andie. Yes, I did. You wanted to lose a guy in 10 days. Congratulations, you did it. You just lost him. No, I didn't, Ben. Cos you can't lose something you never had. . Well, it's not what I expected. It's better. Congratulations. This shows me you're ready to be unleashed. From now on feel free to write about anything. Anything? Wherever the wind blows you. Even politics? The wind's not gonna blow you there. What about religion, poverty, economics...? This wind is more of a light breeze. What can I write about, Lana? Whatever you want. Shoes, laser therapy, dressing for your body type. Use your imagination. The sky is the limit. Thank you for this opportunity, Lana. OK. And thank you for making it easy for me to turn down. Nah, I mean, it's not somethin' I'm proud of. Obviously if I could do it over again, I'd do some things differently, you know? Say, it's good to talk to you, though, man, it really is. Ahhhh! You are the only one that knows us both. (Yeah.) You wanna go? You wanna go to the game? Well, go ahead cos I'm not goin'. "Seventh and final game of what has been a classic series..." I wouldn't have gone either. I mean, I would like to have gone but you probably wouldn't let me. You're doing the right thing. Oh, sweetie. (KNOCK AT DOOR) There's the Chinese. Coming! OK, so that's gonna - Michelle. Andie, that wasn't the Chinese. (It's Mike.) (Mike.) Yeah, what do I do? What do I do? Talk to him. (OK, OK.) Mike...? Mike? Hi. Hi. So, um, what are you doing here? I don't know exactly, um... It was last night. I was... I was just lying there and trying to sleep. And you know that perfume you sprayed on my pillow? Oh, yeah. Well, that smell's gone now. And, er, Michelle, I want it back. I, um... I don't know if you can have it back. Right. Yeah, OK. But I am willing to consider it. OK, yeah. Um, these are for you. Thank you. Hi. Hi. (MOUTHS) We could, er... I remember where you live. (SULTRY MUSIC) "Who needs man?" "Ladies, frost yourselves." "(LAUGHS) Beautiful." And cut it. Very nice. You like? (SPEAKS FRENCH) OK, let's go one more. Right away, people. (SPEAKS FRENCH) Keep working. Tim, can I see playback? Open me, Ben. Spread my binding, please? Jesus, get outta here. You might wanna read this. Ah, no thanks. OK. "I've lost a guy and I don't know why." "What went wrong?" "I wanted to commit those certain silly dating faux-pas." "I didn't realise that I was making the biggest mistake of all." Here, trust me. Read it. Come on set. Miss? Andie Anderson? Excuse me, ma'am? Holy crap! Where's Andie? Not here. Where is she? She quit. She's got an interview in Washington. When's she leaving? Today. When? Well, like now. You're not a therapist, are ya? Oh, no. Good job, though. You owe me 300 bucks. # "Follow You Down" - Gin Blossoms Andie! # Anywhere you go # I'll follow you down (HONKING) # Any place but those I know by heart. # Anywhere you go # I'll follow you down. # I'll follow you down but not that far. (HONKING) # I know we're headed somewhere # I can see how far we've come. # But still I can't remember anything. # It's a long way down # when all the knots we tied have come undone. # Anywhere you go (HONKING) # I'll follow you down. # I'll follow you down but not that far. # Whoooo... # Andie! Ben? Pull over, we need to talk! Are you trying to get yourself killed? If that's what it takes, yeah, now pull over! Er, sir, could you please pull the car over? We're on the middle of a bridge. I can't pull over here. OK, then do you have something I can throw up in? Gee, lady! (SCREECHING / HONKING) What the hell was that? Is this true? Ben, please. Is this true? Or are you just trying to sell magazines? I meant every word. Well, where are you going? I have an interview. Yeah, in Washington, I know. Where you goin'? Ben, it's the only place I can go and write what I wanna write. Nah, I'm not buyin' that. You can write anywhere. I think you're runnin' away. Why don't you save your mind games for your next bet. I'm not running. Bullshit. Excuse me? You heard me. Bullshit. Hey, lady, what do you wanna do? Take the lady's luggage back to her place. She has alternate transportation. You callin' my bluff? You bet I am. Look who made the trip with me. It's our love fern! Oh, Benny Boo-Boo, Boo-Boo, Boo... (BOTH LAUGH) # I used to carry the weight of the world # and now all I wanna do is spread my wings and fly. # I don't know why I was so afraid # all the time. # Memories seemed to bother me. # My whole life # I used to carry the weight of the world