9 Subtitles Copyright 1997 Australian Caption Centre. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 ORCHESTRAL MUSIC INSECT SQUEAKS WHOOSHING POUNDING THEME MUSIC WINGS BUZZ TRUCK ROARS PERCUSSIVE THEME MUSIC MUSIC INTENSIFIES CAR WHOOSHES INSECT BUZZES INSECT BUZZES SPLAT Goddamn bugs! WIPERS DRONE OMINOUS MUSIC Oh, shit! Florencio. Dejame hablar. Oh, crap! Well, Nick the dick. What a surprise. Where you comin' from, Nick? Fishin' in Cuernavaca. Mmm, sure you were. Let me take a look at your catch. Come on. Oh, me, I would've thrown 'em back. Bajansen todos. Formen una linea aqui, por favor. So, Nick, what do you get? 100 bucks a head? 200? Hope you saved it for your lawyer, because you're gonna need it. We'll take it from here. Who the hell are you? INS, Division 6. Division 6? I never heard of Division 6. Really? Who you got your money on, Dee? Tough call, Kay. (Chuckles) (Speaks Spanish) (Chuckles) (Chuckles and speaks in Spanish) (Chuckles) (Chuckles) We've got a winner here, Dee. (Laughs) (Speaks Spanish) (Officer speaks in Spanish) (Speaks in Spanish) Sir! Sir, you can't just... Don't 'sir' me, young man. You have no idea who you're dealing with. (Speaks Spanish) We're gonna have a little chat with our friend. You fellas hit the road. Keep on protecting us from the dangerous aliens. You ever hear of Division 6? There IS no Division 6. This is bullshit. Oh, yeah. You fell off the bus in the wrong part of town, amigo. I'm gonna bet dollars to pesos you're not from anywhere NEAR here. DRAMATIC MUSIC (Makes distorted squawk) Mikey? (Replies in distorted alien language) Mikey, when did you get out of jail? (Replies) Political refugee, right. Know how many treaties you just violated? (Replies) One?! Try seven. (Responds in alien language) That's enough, Mikey. Hand me that head. (Replies sulkily) Put up your arms and all your flippers. (Makes long-winded reply) (Gasps in shock) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (Makes ominous rumbling growl) Oh, shit! (Makes fearsome roar) Dee! Shoot him! (Roars ferociously) (Screams) Dee! (Officer makes prolonged scream) WHOOSHING ROAR FADES SILENCE GUN DRONES FAINTLY (Sighs) Th... Th... Th... Th... THAT. That wa...wa...wa... Was not human. I know. Looks like you got some entrails on you, pal. What the hell?! Situation's under control. Calm down, please. Give me your attention for a moment. I'll tell you what happened. DRAMATIC MUSIC GARBLED ELECTRONIC CHIRPING This is called a neuraliser. It's a gift from some friends from out of town. This red eye, here, will isolate the electronic impulses in your brains and more specifically, the ones for memory. That's good, fellas. Give me a splay burn around the perimeter, with holes at 40m, 60m and 80m from right here. ROARING WHOOSH That's good. Thank you. What in the hell is going on? Excellent question. The answer you're looking for lies right here. Who ARE you? Really? Really? I am just a figment of your imagination. ELECTRONIC WHOOSHING Damn, what a gullible breed. I'm serious, fellas. You're lucky to be alive after a blast like that. What blast? The underground gas main, genius. You fellas should exercise a lot more caution before discharging your firearms. Especially you. Have yourselves checked out with the EMS before you leave. GENTLE SOMBRE MUSIC I'm sorry about back there. It happens. Didn't used to. Spirit's willing, Kay, but...the rest of me... They're beautiful, aren't they? What? The stars. We never just LOOK any more. No. I'll tell you, Kay, I WILL miss the chase. (Sighs) No, Dee. You won't. ELECTRONIC WHOOSHING FREEZE! NYPD! Freeze! (Panting) All yours, Edwards! 'Freeze' means stop! No! What the hell...? All right! Come on. Arrhhh! (Passengers shriek) It just be raining black people in New York! POUNDING DRAMATIC MUSIC Uhhhhh! Do you see this? Huh? 'N...Y...P...D'! Means I will Knock Your Punk ass Down! He's coming! He's coming! When he gets here, I'll arrest his ass too. ELECTRONIC WHINING WHOOSH Thought you'd try and catch a beat down, huh?! Arrrhhhh! DRAMATIC MUSIC HORN BEEPS TYRES SCREECH HORN BLARES WHOOSHING RACY MUSIC Arrhh! (Fires gun) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC What's up? No. He's coming. He's coming because I failed and now he'll kill me too. You're just pissin' everybody off today, huh? You don't understand. Your world's gonna end. EERIE MUSIC What the hell ARE you? Hey. Watch that ledge. Watch the ledge. Look, come on down. We'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it. Wait a minute. Let me talk to... Ohhh! THUD MAN: I work my butt off to make a living. I want to come home to a clean house with a nice steak on the table. Instead I get this - it looks like poison. Don't take that away! I'm eatin' that! It IS poison, isn't it? I wouldn't be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much or ain't been hit enough. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck! THUNDEROUS WHOOSHING HISSING Figures. OMINOUS MUSIC What the heck IS it, Edgar? Get your big butt back in the house! DISTORTED ALIEN VOICE: Place projectile weapon on the ground. You can have my gun...when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers. Your proposal is acceptable. (Screams) SCREAMS AND SQUELCHING SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC SNAPPING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH (Grunts) Edgar, what on Earth was that? (With distorted voice) Sugar. I've never seen sugar do that. Give me...sugar. In water. More. More! (Grunts) (Gulps noisily) (Grunts with satisfaction) Edgar, your skin is hanging off your bones. WATER SLOSHES Oh, yeah! STRETCHING Ughhhh! Is that better? THUD OMINOUS MUSIC (Moos) "Perpetrator then blinked two sets of eyelids." You mean blinked with both eyes? No, sir. He blinked one set, then he blinked a completely different set. Like high beams and low beams. Was that before or after he drew the weapon that you claim evaporated into a million pieces? After, sir. (Sniggers) And why did none of the other officers see either of these two events? Some of the other officers are soggy around the mid section. That's why they couldn't keep up. Edwards, if you were half the man I am... I AM half the man you are. What is your problem? My problem is you being in my face! He THREW him off the roof. Maybe you next. I want to talk. 10 minutes, take your best shot! Take 10 minutes on a Stair Master, you pudgy bastard. (Sighs) I believe you. Laurel Weaver, Deputy Medical Examiner. Find me at the morgue on 26. I'll show you. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute. Excuse me. You're Dr Weaver with the Coroner's Office, working on the John Doe, right? Yes. Look at this, please. ELECTRONIC WHOOSHING (Sighs) Some night, huh? Yeah, some night. They were gills, not eyelids. Gills - he was out of breath. Who are you? Did he say anything to you? Yeah, he said the world was coming to an end. Did he say when? Would you recognise his weapon if you saw it again? Absolutely. Come on, let's take a ride. Wait a minute. Look, I got tons of paperwork... Right, it's all done. Good work, Edwards. You ran this dude down on foot? That's tough, kid. That's double-tough. DRAMATIC MUSIC EDWARDS: So, who exactly are you with? FBI? NSA? I'm part of a bureau that licenses, monitors and polices alien activity on the planet Earth. Yeah, whatever. We're here. This is where we're goin'? Yeah. This is Jack Jeebs' spot. He buys from chain-snatchers. He doesn't even sell guns. Really? All right, look, I'm gonna put my thing down, but when I come back out I want some real answers. OK, go put your thing down. Officer Eduardo... How did these get here? I thought I turned these in to the proper authorities. I hear you're into something hotter than some stolen Rolexes. I'm a crack dealer now but I love the hours here. I'm talkin' about guns, smart ass! Weird ones. Come on, Edwards. What you see is what I got. DOOR OPENS Why not show him the imports, Jeebs? Hi, Kay. How are you? Show him the imports right now. I got out of that business. I hate it when you lie. Just hold on a second... I'm gonna count to three. He'll do it, Jeebs. One... He does not look stable. ..two... He is just crazy when he's like this. He's always crazy. Get a massage. Take a cruise... GUN ZAPS Drop the weapon and raise your hands! I warned him. Drop the weapon! YOU warned him. Don't make me kill you. JEEBS: (With distorted alien voice) You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings? Shows us the merchandise or lose another head, Jeebs. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BUZZER WHIRRING Mr Edwards. Right there. The one in the middle. You sold a reverberating carboniser with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of... He looked all right to me. It must've been for an assassination. Who's the target? I don't know... Goddamn it, Jeebs! I don't know! All right, that's confiscated. I want you on the next transport off this rock or I'll shoot you where it don't grow back. WEAPON HISSES Yeah and...I'll be back to talk about them Rolexes. BICYCLE BELL RINGS Searching for a handle on the moment? I can't help you. The only comfort I can offer is my promise that tomorrow morning you won't remember a thing. WEAPON BEEPS That's not some shit you forget. You ever see one of these, son? ELECTRONIC WHOOSHING (Laughs) She looks at her husband and back down at her lap and she says, "Honey, this one's eatin' my popcorn." (Laughs hysterically) Heh heh. Did you get it? (Laughs uncontrollably) Whoa, you gotta go. Thanks for the egg rolls, kid. Hey, wait a minute. Who are you? See what I mean about tequila? You're a bright young man, James, but you need to lay off the sauce. I'll see you bright and early, nine o'clock. Be there...or be square. # I can see it in your eyes. # I sometimes see you pass outside my door. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) # Hello. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) # Is it me you're looking for? # I can see it in your eyes. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) # I can see it in your smile, # and I want to tell you so much ` # I love you. # 9 DOOR OPENS Well, well, well. Movin' right in, are we? Think we own the place? I got an eviction notice for you boys. Just what exactly do you think you're doin' here? Taking care of your pest problem. PEST PROBLEM?! PEST?! Yeah, you got a hell of an infestation. You know, I've noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact, nothin' but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum! Totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives. Well...yeah. Uh...don't you wanna get rid of 'em? Oh, in the worst way. Uhhhh! CHOKING GAS HISSES MUSIC BUILDS WHOOSHING RUMBLING MOTOR WHIRRS VERY LOUDLY Help you? Yeah, this dude gave me this card... Elevator. You're late. Sit down. My name is Zed. You're all here because you're the best of the best. Marines, air force, navy seals, army rangers, NYPD. And we're looking for one of you. Just one. What will follow is a series of simple tests for motor skills, concentration, stamina. I see we have a question. Ah, yeah, I'm sorry. Maybe you already answered this but why exactly are we here? Son. Second Lieutenant Jake Jensen. West Point, graduate with honours. We're here because you're looking for the best of the best of the best, sir! (Laughs) What's so funny, Edwards? Your boy, Captain America, over here. "The best of the best of the best, sir!" Yeah. "With honours". Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here. That's just, that's very funny to me. (Laughs) You all ain't laughing, though. OK. Let's get going. PAPER RIPS PENCIL SNAPS TABLE SCRAPES FLOOR VERY LOUDLY Want to get down on this? ALARM BUZZES ELECTRONIC BELL ZED: Edwards, what the hell happened? Hesitated. May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die? She was the only one that seemed dangerous. How did you reach that conclusion? I was gonna pop this guy on the street light. Then I realised, he's just working out. How would I feel, somebody bust my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy. Then I noticed he had a tissue in his hand. He's not snarling, he's sneezing. Ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, eight-year-old white girl, in the ghetto, monsters, this time of night, with quantum physics books? She's about to start some shit, Zed. Those books are way too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. Or do I owe her an apology? That was a good shot, though, right? He's got a problem with authority. So do I. But this kid ran down a cephalopoid on foot, boss. That's got to be tough enough. Let's hope you know what you're doing. Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training. If you'll just follow me, we have one more test to administer. An eye exam. Where are you going? Yo. Hey, man, what the hell is all this? In the 1950s, the government started a little underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with races not of this planet. Gentlemen, look directly at this device. It will administer the eye test. Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens, who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night. Seven agents, one astronomer and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road. Oh, you brought that tall man some flowers. This way. They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted to use the Earth as an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Ever see the movie 'Casablanca'? The same thing, except no Nazis. Oh. We agreed to conceal all evidence of their landing. So, these are real flying saucers and the World's Fair was a cover-up for their landing? That's why it's in Queens. More non-humans arrive every year and they secretly live among us. Not to change the subject but when was the last time you had a CAT scan? Six months ago. It's company policy. Right. You should make another appointment. Tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time and thank you for everything, but why don't you show me the door? All right. I'm gonna get some coffee. You want some? No, thank you. I'm fine. OK. ALIEN: Wanga. ALL: Wanga (Laughs) How are you doing, fellas? ALL: OK. That's not decaf, is it? Viennese cinnamon. Don't tell me we've only got that powdered stuff for cream again. (Speaks alien language) Oh, good. Good. You guys getting along all right? (All answer in alien language) Don't work too hard. (All answer) Sure you don't want some coffee? ALIENS CONTINUE TALKING KAY: All right, kid. Here's the deal. At any given time, there are around 1,500 aliens on the planet. Most of them right here in Manhattan. Most are decent enough. They're just trying to make a living. Cab drivers. Not as many as you'd think. Humans, mostly, don't have a clue. They don't want one, or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things. But why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it. A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. 1,500 years ago, everybody KNEW the Earth was the centre of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat and 15 minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll 'know' tomorrow. What's the catch? The catch. The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist, anywhere. Ever. I'll give you till sunrise to think it over. Hey! Is it worth it? Oh, yeah. It's worth it. If you're strong enough. UNEASY MUSIC 9 MOTOR REVS AND SPLUTTERS LOUD WHIRRING What's up, Bugs? All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's next level shit going on - I'm with that. Before I'm beamed up, there are some things I'd like you to understand. First off, you chose me. So, you recognise the skills. I don't want nobody calling me 'son' or 'kid' or 'sport'. Cool? Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely dick. INSPIRING MUSIC (Alien speaks) Purpose of trip? They're permitting fishing. Duration of stay? Lunch. Any fruits or vegetables? PA: The transport from Jenfling has docked. Mr Insig Agnock, please meet your party outside the detainment area. (Growls and rumbles) Stay away from that guy. He's, ah... He's grouchy. A three-hour delay in customs after a 17 trillion mile trip would make anybody cranky, you know what I mean? What government branch do we report to? None. They ask too many questions. Who pays for all this? We hold the patents on some gadgets confiscated from alien visitors - Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It's gonna replace CDs soon. I'll have to buy the White Album again. That's a lot of fun. It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it. Because human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in the better galaxies. That makes you proud, doesn't it? Hey, what's this thing? Whoa! ALL: Oh! OK, just be calm! Just be relaxed. Ooh, watch your heads. ALL: Ooh! Somebody get him some ice. Ooh. Just move when it's coming at you. Oh, damn! Oh, I'll pay for that! (Screams) Oh! Oh! This thing caused the 1977 New York blackout. Practical joke by the Great Attractor. He thought it was funny as hell. Sorry, you all. It was a accident. Sorry. Observation, the heart of our little endeavour. Meet the twins. Wiinig and Bob. This map shows the location of every registered alien on Earth at any given time - some of them under constant surveillance. Everyone on those screens is an alien. In public, they're as normal as you are but in private, well... ..you'll get the idea. Oh, man. Doesn't make any sense, does it? Well, no, it makes perfect sense. When I was in third grade, everybody told me I was crazy but I knew our teacher had to be from Venus or something. Miss Edelson. Jupiter, actually. Well, one of the moons. Revolve. Class! Be quiet and pay attention! If I have to tell you one more time... Edwards, let's put it on. Put what on? The last suit you'll ever wear. ZED: You will dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You will not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You are a rumour, recognisable only as deja vu, and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist, you were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You are no longer part of the system, you are above the system, over it, beyond it. We're them, we're they. We are the Men in Black. JAY: You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look good. We're gonna go for a ride. (Cat miaows) I'll put you down here, then Daddy will be right back. TYRES SQUEAL (Grunts) (Groans) Oh. (Miaows) OK, now we're ready to go for a little ride. And we're gonna meet one of Daddy's friends. OK, let's see. B, we've got the deposed prefect of Singelly touching down in the forest outside Portland tonight. B ON COMMUNICATOR: Humanoid? You wish. Bring a sponge. And here - red letter from last night. We had an unauthorised landing somewhere in upstate New York. K, keep your ears open on this one. We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here. ALARM BEEPS Well, we've got a skimmer. Landed alien out of zone. Who is it? Redgick. He's not cleared to leave Manhattan but he's way out of town, stuck on the New Jersey turnpike. Why don't you take Junior with you? This is a good one for him to warm up on. Go get 'em, tiger. (Imitates Zed) "We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger." Zed. (Laughs) He just... Unlimited technology from the whole universe and we cruise around in a Ford POS. Fasten your seat belt. We've got to work on your people skills. You'd get a better reaction if you were more polite. Fasten your seat belt, please. Whoa, that was good. Did you hurt yourself? BRAKES SQUEAL Don't ever touch the red button. No. Ooh. TYRES SQUEAL All right, Pop, that'll be $72. OK, sweetie. Let me pay the impolite driver. (Grunts) (Miaows) (Speaks alien language) (Speaks alien language) Ah! (Rings bell) Six is up. Where is Ivan? I gave him a break. OMINOUS MUSIC You can kill us both but you won't find the galaxy. Oh-ho. You're right about one thing. Oh! Uh! Duh. DUH! (Miaows and hisses) Duh! (Hisses) Stop that guy! You're not going anywhere, pal. Arggh! COMMOTION AND SCREAMING What's going on here? Hey, hey, hey. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. They've been on the sauce. Your party! They've been on the sauce. Your party! That's Mary's boy, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Maybe you should say something. Nah. I'm crap at that kind of thing, Barry. Yeah, but they're just kids. If we don't say something... (GROANS) Hey, boys? Boys? Why don't you get a lift home tonight? Oh, whatever, mate. I've only had a couple. No, no, no, no. It's too late now. I've spoken to you and I know your mum, so that means our fates are aligned. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? How? Well, it's like, um, my balls are in your hands. BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. What? Oh. BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) YODELLING MUSIC PLAYS I like it. 9 I'd like to see your licence and registration, please. I'd like to see your OTHER licence and registration, please. Your resident alien card restricts you to the island of Manhattan. Where are you going, Redgick? It's my wife. She's, well...look. Uh, uh! Oh. All right, that's it. No big deal. You come with me, Redg. (Screams) And, um, you handle this. What?! Me?! It's easy. You just catch. Does he know what he's doing? He does it all the time. Let the man work. (Grunts) Oh. OK, yeah. (Pants) Whoa! LIQUID SLOSHES Ooh. Kay. Um, damn, man. Kay, something's peaking. You're headed out of town, Redgick. What's going on? Well...we're meeting someone. Who are you meeting? Well, it's a ship. I didn't see departure plans for today. You didn't? No. Well, ah, it's an emergency. Kay! You're doing fine, ace. What kind of emergency? What's the rush to leave? We just don't like the neighbourhood any more. It's just some of the, ah... new arrivals. What new arrivals? Anything to do with last night's crash? Arggh! Oh, man! Oh, man. Uh. Look, Kay, look. Oh, man. (Chuckles) Congratulations, Redg, it's a...squid. Kay, man... You know, this is actually kind of... (Giggles) ..cute. CAR DOOR OPENS CAR DOOR CLOSES Anything about that seem unusual to you? What'd scare Redgick so badly that he'd risk a warp jump with a newborn? We'll check the hot sheets. JAY: THESE are the hot sheets? Best investigative reporting on the planet. The 'New York Times' gets lucky sometimes. Thanks, Manny. I can't believe you're looking for tips in the supermarket tabloids. Not looking for. Found. Wait a minute. Slow down. Why? So she gets the wrong impression. It makes things go smoother. Can I help you gentlemen? Yes, ma'am, I'm Special Agent Manheim. This is Special Agent Black. We'd like to talk about your visitor. You here to make fun of me? No. The FBI doesn't have a sense of humour. May we come in? Sure. Thank you. Lemonade? Oh, yes, please. The Chief of Police himself came up to the house and did a full-out investigation. Took a police report and writ down everything I said, from A-Z, not believing one thing I said. Sort of poking fun at me. He asked, "If he was murdered, how could he walk back in the house?" I have to admit, that one got me sort of stumped. I'll tell you something right now - I know Edgar and that wasn't Edgar. It's like something was wearing Edgar like a...like a suit. An Edgar suit. (Laughs) (Whispers) The dude was that ugly BEFORE he was a alien. (Continues laughing) I'm sorry. Go on. Anyway, I come to and he's gone. Did he say anything? Yes. He asked me for some water. Some, ah...sugar water. Sugar water? Yeah, I remember that right. 'Cause I thought that was odd that he asked me for sugar water and not lemonade or ice water or regular water, or tap water... ZAP! All right, Beatrice. There was no alien. The flash of light you saw was not a UFO. Swamp gas was trapped in a thermal pocket and refracted light from Venus. You flash that thing, it erases her memory and you make up a new one? A standard-issue neuraliser. And that weak-ass story is the best you've got? All right. On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off. Yeah, 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what? YOU kicked HIM out. Now that he's gone, you're gonna go in town, you go to Bloomingdales, find yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes. You know, find somewhere, maybe you get a facial, and, ah...oh, hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause...damn! Yo, Kay, look, check it out, man. When do I get my own flashy little memory messer-upper thing? When you grow up. Mmm. OK. Please, not green. Oh, damn. I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water? Oh, wait. That was on final 'Jeopardy' last night. Damn. Zed, we have a bug. So...what, we don't like bugs? Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species. You were stung as a child, right? Listen, kid. Imagine a giant cockroach with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex and a real short temper tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand new Edgar suit. That sound like fun? What's the move? With a bug in town, we'll watch the morgues. (Miaows) Where do you want contestant number three? Just leave it there. What's with the cat? Oh, the cat. Well, there's a problem with the cat. Sign here. What's the problem? It's your problem. Heh heh heh. I hate the living. Shall we? SOFT, TENSE MUSIC Oh, my God. Whoa, buddy, what are you? DRAMATIC MUSIC Subject was approximately 112 degrees at time of autopsy, indicating an increase in body temperature. Examiner tried to verify this rectally, only to find the subject was without rectum. Which is, needless to say, really... Weird. I'm Dr Leo Mantle, Department of Public Health. This is Dr White. You boys mustn't have much of a home life. We watch the morgues carefully, ma'am. Do you have something unusual around here? I'd say so. Triple homicide. Mm-hm? The first body I opened was pretty normal except he was broken in half. But when I opened the others... I'll show you. There's a skeletal structure at work here unlike anything I've seen before. I'll look at this one. Dr White, you and Dr Weaver check the other body. This way, Doctor. This one's even stranger. I did a full laparotomy. I started with the lesser curvature of the stomach, but we could start with the gastro-oesophageal junction. Er...let's start wherever YOU started at. Er...let's start wherever YOU started at. Okey-dokey. Oh. (Miaows) That your cat? It is now. Came with the body. OK. Dive right in. I'm sure HE won't mind. Mmm. Hmm. You have really pretty eyes. Thank you. OK. Feel that? Where the pyloric junction would be. Push it aside. Ahh. Notice anything strange? Stomach, liver, lungs. Nope. All fine. Doctor, they're all missing. Well, of course. (Laughs) Well, that's obviously the FIRST thing I noticed. Well, what I was pointing out is the fact that there are no, um...pieces...of them left. Yeah, you know, so...they're intact. Wherever they are. Whole. Somewhere. That we can be sure of. Have we met before? I'm having the strangest feeling of deja vu. Yeah. Me too. Really? You wanna know what I really think? Don't tell him. He looks like he's stressed enough. I don't think this body's really a body. I think it's some sort of transport unit for something else. The question is what? Mm-hm. Is this freaking you out? Oh...no. Psh! No, girl. Know what I like doing sometimes when it's really late? No. KAY: Dr White. Um...excuse me. What do you think? Very interesting. She's got a real Queen of the Undead thing... The body. Great body. The DEAD body. Oh. You'll have to look at that thing. You recognise him? Looks like the big guy I saw at headquarters only a little deader. What do you think killed him? A bug? Dr White. You're up, slugger. Oh. Look at this. What the hell is that? HISSING (Gasps) (Wheezes) Must... ..to prevent... ..contest. No... JAY: It's OK. What are you saying? To prevent... To prevent... (Groans) ..struggle? (Sighs) No. To prevent... War? War. The galaxy... ..is on... ..Orion's... ..B... ..B... What is word? Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt? (Gasps) SAD MUSIC (Miaows) "To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's Belt." What the hell does that mean? Doctor...um...whatever. Come here. Dr Whatever? You guys aren't really from the Department of Health. Rosenberg. Oh, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family. This guy was one of the royal family. I knew it. It's an alien. You're from some government agency keeping it quiet. He said to prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's Belt. This explains New York! The other day, I was in this cab and this guy... FLASH! Galaxy on Orion's Belt doesn't make sense. That's what the dude inside the head said. Right? Right after... Damn, man! You did the flashy thing already. Whoever you are, you have to show some ID to stay. Yes, of course, young lady. Look at this for me, please. Would you stop that?! That thing'll give her brain cancer or something. Never hurt her before. We've gotta close off the doors. Special Services will arrive any minute. Never hurt her before? How often have you flashy-thinged her? A couple. You're not worried about damage? A little. Have you ever flashy-thinged me? No. I ain't playing. Have you? 9 I think I should be in charge of the flashy memory thing department. Not while I'm around. You'll fricassee somebody's brain out, man. Two dead aliens and a medical examiner needing a new memory. Yes, sir. Make it a...HAPPY memory. EDGAR: Whoa! BANGING AND CRASHING (Snarls) Oh, WHERE IS IT?! (Sighs) WOMAN ON INTERCOM: Will the owner of the blue Warp Speed Cruiser please report to the front desk? WOMAN: Q, you have a phone call on line three. Please pick up. JAY: Hey, Zed. Doesn't anybody ever get any sleep around here? The twins keep us on Centaurian time. It's a 37-hour day. Give it a few months. You'll adjust. Or you'll have a psychotic episode. Here's Orion. It's a grouping of the brightest stars in the northern sky. And here's Orion's Belt. That's what the little guy said. "To prevent war, the galaxy is on Orion's Belt." Junior, there are no galaxies on Orion's Belt. The Belt is just these three stars. The galaxies are huge - they're made up of billions of stars. You heard wrong. Look, whatever, man. I know what I heard. Pretty lady. Uh-huh. OK. That 'grumpy guy' story's starting to come into focus a little here. You were the guy in that picture you showed me with the flowers. And I take it she never got those flowers. So, what - she ever get married or anything? No. Ah, well, you know what they say - "Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." Try it. ZED: Kay! Take a look at this. My God. They're all leaving. Had 12 jump in the last hour. Redgick was just the first. What do they know that we don't? Why do rats desert a ship? Give me Lm Sat 4, please, with a proton-induction thermoscan. Thank you. OK. Lm Sat 18. All right. 4,000. That's an Arquillian battle cruiser. And we've got a dead Arquillian prince. FIERCE BABBLING Speak of the devil. They sound pissed. Boys, translate that. Step on it. Get down to Rosenberg's jewellery store, see what you can turn up. Kay. Give the kid a weapon. Series four de-atomiser. Now that's what I'm talking about. Noisy cricket. Hey, Kay. No, no. Come on, man. You get a series four de-atomiser, I get a little midgy cricket?! Whoa, kid! I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing. DRAMATIC MUSIC MECHANICAL WHIRR Hey, this is my truck! Yeah, and make sure you tell 'em that down at the impound. (Grunts) (Activates hydraulics) Please. (Hydraulic lift continues) Who breaks into a jewellery store and leaves the jewels? Somebody not looking for jewellery. This guy had a serious crush on his cat. GUNSHOT Kay, get down! Ah! DRAMATIC MUSIC Man! That's him! That's the guy in the Edgar suit. ZAP! (Yells) CHASE MUSIC (Screams) We don't discharge our weapons in view of the public! We ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! There's an alien battle cruiser about... There's always an alien battle cruiser or a carillon death ray or an intergalactic plague about to wipe out life on this miserable planet. The only way people get on with their happy lives is they DON'T know about it. And don't worry about the bug. He's not leaving town. We got his ship. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. We need a containment crew on MacDougall Street south of Housmann. Containment may be a moot point, old friend, if the exodus continues. Party's over, the last to leave gets stuck with the check. GARBLED COMMOTION You sorry little ingrates! (All mock Zed in alien language) What about the Arquillians? We've only translated part of the message so far. "Deliver the galaxy." They don't want much. Oh, it gets better. They're holding us responsible. 9 (Snarls gutturally) Where do you keep your dead? I don't have any dead. (Growls) Where?! I-I don't know. The-the city morgue? Ugh! Ah! That's three for a dollar - sir! TRUCK DOOR CLOSES Some light...some light had reflected off of Venus into some swamp gas, and that's what made the, um... KAY: All right, kid! Excuse me. What's up? The Arquillians want the galaxy, whatever the hell that means. We need help. A professional. Somebody with years of experience in intergalactic politics. I just hope the little prick hasn't skipped town. MAN: Can I have your attention? Thank you. Gather over here. That's right - move in closer. That's good. Thanks. If you look right here, I'd appreciate it. Thank you. VEHICLE APPROACHES (Laughs) That's the worst disguise ever. That guy's definitely an alien. You don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt. You busy, Frank? I can't talk right now... (Squeals) Call the pound, we got a stray! The dog owes my friend money. Arquillians and bugs, Frank - speak. I know nothing. Nothing? (Barks desperately) OK, Frank. Stop it, stop it! OK, OK! Rosenberg wasn't some two-bit Arquillian. He was guardian of a whole galaxy. They thought he'd be safe on Earth. And the bug had other plans? The galaxy possesses subatomic energy. If the bugs get their claws on it, kiss the Arquillians goodbye. Ask about the belt. Rosenberg mentioned a galaxy on Orion's Belt. What's he mean? Beats me. Beats you? No, no, no - not around! Ow, ow, ow! They're rehearsing a ventriloquist's act. The galaxy is here! What do you mean, 'here'? The galaxy is stars and planets. How's it here? You humans. When you gonna learn size doesn't matter? Something important can be very, very small. How small? Tiny. Like a marble or a jewel. Now, excuse me - I gotta be walked before my flight. All right, get outta here. If the galaxy's here, it's not on Orion's Belt. (Barks) (Miaows) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Kay! THUD! (Gasps) Boy, when you want attention... 'Orion'. That's a pretty name. What's this? MUSIC BUILDS (Gasps) Wow! GRAND, DRAMATIC MUSIC CELESTIAL-SOUNDING CHOIR (Gasps and grunts) DING! (Hisses) OK... Yes, good. DING, DING, DING! Thank you. Thank you for making sure the bell works. What's up, Farmer John? (Groans) A man came in here earlier. A dead man. And that means WHAT to me? He was a very dear friend of mine. I believe he had an animal with him, a gift from me. A pet cat. Means worlds to me and I'd like to have it back. I need a picture ID, written proof of ownership of the cat, notorised proof of kinship with... the deceased. Don't do that. EERIE MUSIC Do what? Don't do it. DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH CRACKLING Oh, man. MUSIC BUILDS (Growls menacingly) Why don't you let me handle this? What? All we gotta do is get a cat. It's not hard. You're going to lay your Jack Webb on her, flash your brain ray, she'll wind up with leukaemia. She's a doctor. She don't need you flashing away her med classes. Five minutes. Two minutes. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Where's the animal?! I don't know. Well, let's see if we can find it. (Gasps) BELL DINGS JAY: Hello! DING! Hello! Hello! How are you doing? Hello. I'm Sergeant Friday from the 26th Precinct. A cat called Orion came in with a corpse the other day. Yes, that's right. Well, this cat is a, ah...a witness in a murder case. I need to take him with me for questioning. I don't know where the cat is. You don't? No, but maybe you could take me with you instead. (Laughs) Damn, you do start fast, don't you? I'd REALLY like to go with you. Now. Uh-huh. Exactly why is that? DRAMATIC MUSIC There's something I need to show you. You ain't got to hit the gas like that. No, you don't understand. You really need to see this. I will, I will. Oh, one thing - I gotta drive. It's not some macho trip, that's just the way I get down. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Look, stud - you're really not getting this. There's something I need you to help me with. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC (Miaows) DRAMATIC MUSIC EXPLODES Freeze it, bud. Christ, you are THICK! How could I know? Did I have to sing it?! You were coming on. Oh, God - that is SO typical. A woman shows some sexual independence... Why don't we shut up? Let her go, shit eater. Listen, monkey boy, compared to you humans, I'm on the top of the evolutionary ladder, so can it. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills. Ever pulled wings off a fly? Care to see the fly get even?! How far you gonna get without that space trash ship we've got locked up? Put your weapons down. Never going to happen, insect. It's OK, Laurel. How is it OK? I'm saying it's...it's gonna BE OK. Don't bet on it, meat sack. (Laurel screams) DRAMATIC MUSIC (Laurel screams) (Screams) Let me go! HORN BLARES (Roars) (Cries out) Come on! (Whimpers) Take me here! No way. (Roars) Take me! Stop! Come back! (Swallows) TENSE MUSIC He's in a cab! FAST-PACED MUSIC SLOW, CONSIDERED MUSIC Don't move! Don't move! Don't move! Hey, man. What? Whoa! JET ENGINE WHINES He's not leaving the planet in a cab. Let's go. Come with me. Put up a bio-net all around Manhattan. If it's not human, it doesn't leave. What do we hear from upstairs? Same thing. "Deliver the galaxy." The bug's got the galaxy, but no ship. ALARM SCREECHES WOMAN ON PA: Warning. Plutonic emission detection. Warning. Plutonic emission detection. ZAP! EXPLOSION Why are they shooting at us? KAY: Arquillian battle rules, kid. First we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then there's a galactic standard week to respond. How the hell long is that? One hour. One hour?! And then what? ALARM SCREECHES Oh, that's bullshit! To keep the bugs from getting it, the Arquillians will destroy that galaxy. And whatever planet it's on. You're talking about us. (Cackles) It sucks, huh? I'm pulling up the location of every nearby interstellar vehicle. Already did, Frank. The Pod took the last ship. We've got Sluger's landing... All gone. How about Atlantic City? They're all gone. All right. Bayonne? Gone. All right. There's Three Mile Island. Gone. Yo! Staten Island? Gone, thank God! Fellas! If that bug gets off the planet, we're bug food! Hey, old guys! Do those still work? POIGNANT MUSIC EDGAR: You're coming with me! LAUREL: What? It's a long trip. I'll need a snack. Whoa! (Screams) Wait! You're taking the tunnel? Know a better way to Queens? It's gonna be packed! TYRES SCREECH You remember the little red button? Yeah? Push the little red button. You may need a seat belt. SCREECHING WHOOSH! (Screams) (Groans) You're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax. Take some joy in your work. You like music? ELVIS' 'THE PROMISED LAND' PLAYS That's better. ELVIS SINGS: # ..California on my mind # I straddled that Greyhound And rode him into Raleigh # And all across Caroline # Somebody help me get out of Louisiana... # JET ENGINE ROARS (Groans) # ..and they won't let the poor boy down... # All right, now! Oh, shit! Oh, damn! (Scats to rollicking piano solo) Kay! Kay! You do know Elvis is dead, right? Elvis is not dead. He just went home. # Swing low chariot Come down easy # Taxi to the terminal zone # Cut your engine And cool your wings # And let me make it to the telephone. # You don't want to eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen - a goddess, even. There are those who worship me. I'm not saying this to impress you, but it could start a war. Good! That means more food for my family - all 78 million of them! That's a lot of mouths to feed! You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying here! Aw! Now, that's what I'm talking about! Roaches check in. They don't check out. PA: Warning. Eight minutes to the destruction of Earth. Eight minutes to destruction. MECHANICAL WHIRRING ENGINES ROAR SPECTATORS CHEER We'll use pulsar level five with a subsonic implosion factor. What? Just shoot the damn thing! On the count of three - one, two... ..three! METAL CREAKS Oh, you idiots! You don't get it! I've won! It's over! You're mulch, suckers! You don't matter. In fact, you soon won't even be matter. You're under arrest for violating Sections 41/53 of the Tyco Treaty. Hand over the galaxy, and step away from your busted-ass vehicle and put your hands on your head! (Splutters) Oh, I say! Oh, put my hands... ..on...on my head? (Gasps) Like this? MULCHING, CRACKLING TENSE MUSIC RISES TO A CRESCENDO Kay. (Screeches) (Roars) Oh! That did not go the way I planned. Don't let him get on the second ship. What? Keep him on this planet. Kay! Kay! Where are you going? I'm getting my gun back. Hey! Hey, bug! You know how many of your kind I've swatted with a newspaper? You're a smear on the sports pages, you slimy, gut-sucking intestinal parasite! Eat me! Eat me! (Roars) Kay! Kay! (Screeches) Hey! (Howls) What's up? You just want to eat and run, huh? What about dessert? Whoa! Oh, that's it? Where are you going? This party's just getting started. Where are you going? Where are you going?! Let me tell you something. There's one way off this planet, and that's through me! Oh! (Screeches) Arrggghhh! Yaaaaaaa! (Screams) Hey! Where are you going? Why are you running, huh? I'm still standing! Come on, bring it! Come on, bring it! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CRUNCH! (Growls) Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? (Roars) Oh! Then that must be your uncle. Oh, you know you all look alike. (Screeches) Well, well! Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, uh? CRUNCH! You see, what I can't understand is why you've got to come down here bringing all this ruckus, snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is don't start nothin'... CRUNCH! ..won't be nothin'! CRUNCH! Ease up outta my face before something bad happens to you. GUN COCKS POWER WHINES Too late. (Roars) Ugh! Zed, call the Arquillians. Tell them we have the galaxy. ZED: You got it, friend. Going to get your gun back, huh? I like this gun. Yeah, well, while you was in there playing around, I was down here doing all the work. First I beat him with this big rock. Then I went to hit him with this two-by-four. He kicked me. It hurt. But then I got to the fire. Not bad for your second day of work. This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird shit-o-meter. You should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. (Spits) Phew! I guess you weren't alive in '68. (Roars) EXPLOSION Interesting job you guys have. Kay, um...look, I know we've got these rules and everything, but she did help us bust that bug. Maybe we didn't have to flashy-thing her. Kay, come on, man! Who's she going to tell? She hangs with dead people! It's not for her. It's for me. What? They're beautiful, aren't they? Stars. I mean, I never look at them any more, but they actually are quite, um... ..beautiful. Ah...Kay, you're frightening your partner. I haven't been training a partner. I've been training a replacement. Wait a minute. I cannot do this job by myself. LAUREL: Hey, guys! My apartment isn't anywhere near here. It's not even on the same island. Days, months... ..years. Always face it forward. WISTFUL MUSIC Kay! I've just been eaten by an interstellar cockroach. That's one of 100 memories I don't want. See you around, Jay. No. You won't. ZAP! LAUREL: Hey, Jay! Zed called. The High Consulate from Zalaxian 9 wants floor seats for the next Bulls game. Let's call Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet. Rodman? You're kidding? Nope. Not much of a disguise.