A one, two, three, four! # "The Tale Of The Horny Frog" - The Flaming Lips # Well, this frog was hopping on down the road # He was thinking about courting, he had his hopes dashed, too # He got squished by a car, but just his one leg # He thought, "For makin' tadpoles, just one leg oughta do" # He thought, hm, I've been heart broke before # Left a hole you could drive a truck through # He hopped on down the road # A little bit further towards the truth # So, what's new, Eddie? Anything exciting? Yeah, we just got those new Nike SasQuatch drivers into the store. Let me rephrase the question. You been crushing any pussy? No, Dad, I haven't been crushing any pussy. Seriously, who you booming? Dad, I'm not "booming" anybody, I'm just dating a little. I don't get you. You refuse to get married, yet you don't really enjoy the fruits of bachelor life. It's like you're living in a purgatory over here. I don't refuse to get married. I just wanna do it with the right person. I'm sorry to ride you, pal. I just want you to be happy. I hate you to be alone on Valentine's Day. I'm going to a wedding. Oh. Now you're talking. Weddings are a great place to meet women. Who's getting married? Jodi. Jodi? What are you...? (LAUGHS) What? Are you serious? Dad. Come on. Eddie, don't do this to yourself. We're still friends. Watching your ex-fiancee walk down the aisle on Valentine's Day might sting a little. No. We're way past that. Really. If anything, it's gonna be cathartic. Give me a little closure. I think it's flat-out wrong, but maybe I'm just old-fashioned. Skip the wedding. We'll head to Vegas. Maybe we'll get lucky and tag-team a couple of broads. Yeah. The idea of a tag team with my 77-year-old father is tempting, but I already RSVP'd, so... I appreciate the offer. Come on. Hey, can I get a beer, please? And I will get a Cosmopolitan. No problem. Cosmopolitan? Isn't that sort of a female-type drink? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Tammy turned me on to them. I pretty much drink what she drinks, so... Oh. Really? Yeah. Happy wife, happy life. Mm. That's a good one. "Happy wife, happy life." I like that. Rhymes. Must be true. Yeah. Thank you. Wow. Look at Jodi. She looks great, huh? Mm. Yeah, she looks really good. She's got the kind of looks that are gonna last. Look at her mom. Oh! What a cougar. Mm. Some good genes there. Hey. Come on. Look, you had five years to pull the trigger with Jodi, OK? You had plenty of reasons for calling it off. Yeah. I know. I'm just trying to remember what they were. There was a million of them. "She doesn't like my fantasy football league." "She never shares her food. She doesn't try anything new." What are you...? That's not my voice. That's you. Exactly you. Spot-on. I don't sound like an Italian mouse. Er, a little bit. I do not-a talk-a like this. Oh, yeah? Remember this one? "She hates-a Caddyshack-a." And you know why she hates-a Caddyshack? Cos she said the gopher looked too fake. Come on, that would bother you. Oh, totally. Throw away happiness cos the gopher looks fake. Come on! You've never been married. You're 40. At some point, you have to close your eyes and jump. I did it. I'm the happiest guy I know. Hey, Eddie. (GASPS) Oh, hey! Hey. How are ya? I'm good. You? Good, good. Are you sad? No. Oh, good. Good. Mac, we gotta go. Everyone's already at our table. Lead the way, gorgeous. Is that for me? No, it's his. It's mine now. (ALL LAUGH) What table you at, Eddie? I am at table 34. Oh, too bad. We're at 11. Oh. OK. See you later. Alright. Save me a dance. OK. Don't forget. I won't. Mac, come on. Gotta go. (ALL) Cheers! And that was that! (ALL LAUGH) Oh. Excuse me. Yeah. Are you running this whole thing? Oh, sure. Walk up to the first homo you see and assume he's the wedding coordinator? Nice. I didn't mean... Nice stereotype, buddy, nice. Wedding coordinator? That would be moi! So, how can I help you? I think there's been a mistake. I'm at table 34, but it's a kids' table. That's not the kids' table. That's the singles' table. Enjoy. Wife couldn't make it, huh? No wife. Oh. Divorced? Er, no. Girlfriend? I'm kinda in-between right now. Sort of playing the field and keeping my options open, you know? Hey, mister. What? Are you gay? No. Yes! You owe me 10 bucks. Hold on. Are you bi? No. No, I'm not bi. See? It's a tie. We both lose. Are you like a widow or something? Yeah. I'm a widow. That's... Yeah. Sorry. He's full of it. He's gay. No. I'm not gay. Let's play five-in-five, then. What is that? I ask you five questions in five seconds. If it's truth, you shouldn't have to think. I don't wanna play your game. How'd your wife die? Murdered. How? Ice pick. They get the guy? Yeah. What was his name? Ronald. Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe. Who's hotter? Brad Pitt. (BOTH) Ahhh! No, I thought you meant who's hotter career-wise. You're totally busted. Gay. Gay. You're gay. And I just want you all to know that Jodi is the only woman I've ever loved. And I wanna thank her for letting me into her fairytale life. (APPLAUSE) And that's not to say I didn't have to kiss a few frogs before I met my prince. Cantrow! (LAUGHS) Did you hear that? But seriously, Michael has been the answer to all my prayers. And quite frankly, he's the only guy my father ever approved of. (LAUGHS) And that's because he's the first guy she ever went out with who wasn't a total asshole. (ALL LAUGH) Alright, alright, OK. Thank you all for coming. We're gonna have some fun today, right? (ALL CHEER) # Honey, come home, home # Would you like to lay in bed with me # And fall asleep here # Honey, come home, home # We could build ourselves a time machine # And never leave cos home # Where the pressure never # Gets to anyone # And home # Where they never measure you # Or anyone # Honey come home, home (MUSIC SLOWS TO A STOP) Agh! Stop him, he's got my purse! Somebody stop him! Hey! Stop! Hey, stop! Stop! Fuck off, man! This has nothing to do with you! Calm down, buddy, give me the purse. Back off, man! I swear to god, I'll stab you! Give me the... No, man, that's mine. It's mine! Hey, man, man, it's mine. It's mine! It's mine! It's mine! Aghh! Ow! Ow! Agh! Ow! Shit. Shit! Oh, God, are you OK? No, it stings. He maced me. It's just my perfume. Shit, I can't believe this! I've got everything in there! My credit card, my wallet. Everything is in that bag! My license, my keys, my... life. Yeah, that guy, he's like a freak. I mean, I just... I tried to stop him, but... Sorry. I almost had him. No, no, it's not your fault. I shoulda, like, punched him or something. I'm sorry. Thank you. It was really cool of you to get involved. Here. Let me help you with this stuff. Oh, thank you. Oh. I'm sorry. I don't wanna... I don't know what the protocol there is. It's OK. I got it. No problem. OK. Nice undergarment there. So, there you go. So, you live around here? Yes, I do. Yeah, I do. I actually live a couple blocks down. Over by Bay City Sports. Bay City Sports? I... Yeah, a big sports... Sort of sporting goods emporium, over on Van Ness. Oh, yeah. I think I know that. I actually own the place. Oh, cool. Yeah, it's fun. Oh, this is me. That's you? OK. I don't have any money. He took my wallet. Here. Oh, no. You've done enough. Really. Please. I got a five-spot. Here you go. Go ahead. Take it. I got hundreds of dollars in the bank. I can't take it, then. No, I'm kidding. I do fine. I mean, I'm not rich, I'm comfortable. I'm good. Go ahead. Get on the thing. Got it. Alright. Take it easy. Thank you. Alright. Hey! What's your name? Lila! Lila, I'm Eddie! Eddie... Eddie Cantrow! OK! (LAUGHS) Shit. Oh, yeah. This is your girl, Eddie. I've always said you can tell a lot about a woman by her panties. When have you ever said that? I've said it like a mantra. You just don't pay attention. Did you get her digits? No, I didn't. She had just gotten mugged. I wasn't gonna hit on her. Wait. She's hot, friendly, it's Valentine's Day, she's all alone... She has David Bowie, your favourite musician, pasted on her undies. And you don't think to ask her out? It was... A lot was going on. I just got sprayed in the eye by a sting-y perfume, I was disoriented... It never occurred to you to chase the trolley down the street, waving her underwear and calling out her name? No! I mean, look, this girl was incredibly gorgeous. There's no way she's single. I'm sure she's got a dot-com billionaire boyfriend. Who makes her do the wash at a laundromat on Valentine's Day? Come on, Eddie! She was available. You wimped out. (CELLPHONE RINGS) Oh, that's my wife. Shh. OK? Hey, honey. Yeah. OK, sure, you got it. Right away. Alright, guys. I'm on husband duty. Aunt Flo just arrived at our house. Who's Aunt Flo? Tammy got her period, I gotta pick up some Maxibons. Is there anything you don't jump to attention for? No. Why? I wanna make her happy. That's why I grew out the bangs. Sorry you let that girl go. Sounded like a keeper. Thanks, makes me feel better. He speaketh the truth. All you had to do was ask her out for coffee or a piece of pie. Oh, pie. Yeah, pie really would've clinched the deal, Dad. When you see ass-floss like these, you don't let them get away. I'm late for a root canal. Be good. Alright, Ralphie, let's go. Shit. Eddie, what am I doing wrong? Alright. Don't swing at the first pitch. Be patient. It was right down the middle. It was a little high. Pussydick, can you break away for nine holes? I'm doing something. Everybody wants to hit homers, right? But a walk's as good as a hit. It is? Yeah. That's the worst advice I ever heard! Swing at the next one, slugger. No, wait. Swing or wait? Listen to me, I'm older than him. Swing! Wait. Swing! No, Dad, now you're screwing him up. Oh, my God. Dad, that's her. Who? The girl I was telling you about, Lila. You gotta get out of here. Go, go. Relax. I won't blow your cover. But it's nice to put a face to the panties. Where did you get those? Calm down. They're not for me. I was just gonna bring them by the club! What? A guy can't brag about his own kid? No, Dad. Dad. Gimme... Gimme... Dad. Hi. Hey. Erm, I was in the neighbourhood looking for a fleece. What do you think? Excellent taste. That's my dad. Oh! Hi, Dad. Nice to meet you, Lila. How do you know my name? OK, cat's out of the bag. Hm. My son found your panties on the sidewalk, and we've been talking about you all week. Eddie, give her back her undies, will you? Here you go. I was watching those for you, hoping you'd come in and claim them. It worked out. OK. We're good now. Thank you. You're welcome. OK. My work here is done. Let me go. Hm. He's so cute. Yeah, he is. He's a cutie. So, what do you think? Well, what are you looking to do? Go hiking, or bopping around town, or... Little bit of both, probably. OK, well, they're both quick-dry material, works away sweat from the surface, allows it to evaporate quickly. I'd probably go with the Patagonia, cos it's 100% recycled material. Hey, you a... pie fan? Um... A fan of pie? Do you like pie? The... Pie? Food? Pie. Oh, pie. Like apple pie, and... Yeah, I love pie. Get outta town. So you're an environmental researcher. Why do you sound so surprised? No, it's just, you don't really look like the prototypical scientist type. Well, it's not really that scientific. It's more, you know... It's just researching. Right. I know. Just research. Well, it is. (BOTH LAUGH) Well, I'm sure you make it sound much simpler than it is. For us knuckleheads who sell baseball gloves... You're not a knucklehead. Eddie... Can I be honest with you? Yeah, sure. I didn't really need that fleece that I bought today. I came in the store today to see you. Really? Yeah. Oh, cool. If you wanna return the fleece, it's fine, seriously. Oh, no, Eddie, I don't wanna return it. OK, but just know that that's OK. No, I love it. Aside from all of this other... Eddie, I think it's perfect for me. # I've been talking to myself # I'm talking to me # I'm in front of her so why can't she? # Why can't she see # She's the best thing She makes me fall down # She's the best thing She makes me fall # She's the best thing # For me Oh! Whoa! # I should've told her (LAUGHS) # How I feel (BOTH LAUGH) # But this imitation's # Become so real # She makes it alright # You're not mad? Of course I'm not mad. I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with. I know it's silly. I mean, it's not like I'm a virgin. Lila, you don't owe me any explanations, OK? Really. I know, but I just want you to understand where I'm coming from. I've seen how sleeping together too soon can ruin a relationship, and I don't wanna risk what we have. Cos what we have is really, really nice. Last time I checked, we're not in a race, right? Cool. Alright. Alright. Good night. Night. Sleep well. I will. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? PEOPLE CHATTER, DANCE MUSIC PULSATES They've been on the sauce. They've been on the sauce. Your party! They've been on the sauce. Your party! That's Mary's boy, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe you should say something. Maybe you should say something. Nah. I'm crap at that kind of thing, Barry. Yeah, but they're just kids. If we don't say something... (GROANS) Hey, boys? Boys? Why don't you get a lift home tonight? Oh, whatever, mate. I've only had a couple. No, no, no, no. It's too late now. I've spoken to you and I know your mum, so that means our fates are aligned. You get into that car and you get yourself killed or you kill someone else, I become part of it too. How? How? Well, it's like, um, my balls are in your hands. BOYS LAUGH, SNORT BOY: Oh, you want the balls! BOY: Oh, you want the balls! Nobody wants that. Hey, how about I drive you? What? Oh. What? Oh. BOYS LAUGH, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) (SWITCHES RADIO STATION) YODELLING MUSIC PLAYS I like it. 1 (BEEPING) "Eddie, phone call, line three. It's Lila." Hey, baby, how you doing? What's wrong? How long do they want you to live in Rotterdam? I don't know, it depends on the restructuring. I mean, at least two years. Two years? Maybe more. Two years? Why Germany? Holland. Can't you just tell them, "I won't do it." "I wanna be a researcher, but I'm not gonna..." This is my career. I can't say that. I understand that, but can't you, like, just say... Doesn't somebody else want to go? No, there's another researcher, but he's married. So what? They don't move married people. So what are the negatives? I've only known her for six weeks. That's half a summer. I proposed to your mother after three dates. She gave me 18 of the best years of my life. You were engaged to Jodi for five years. Alright, yeah, but there's other stuff, too. Such as? She doesn't have a great sense of humour. Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed really funny girls are a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Evelyn DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell... I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres, though. I do. I have to admit it. I think she's great. I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out. Alright, forget that stuff, OK? She's wonderful. She's an incredible girl. There's no better. Still, the idea of marriage, it's just so permanent. You know? It's like... It's like I'm choosing between Lila and all the other women in the world. You've barely nailed any of the other women in the world. You haven't crushed more than three pussies since Jodi. What is this obsession with pussy-crushing counting? I just... I'm not comfortable with that term. Sorry. Snatch. Whatever. (SIGHS) Who do you think you are? Huh? Just who the hell do you think you are, Eddie, huh? Trying to come up with reasons not to marry this girl? You should be thanking God that a woman this fantastic would even consider you. Unless you wanna be a 75-year-old dad I suggest you get on with your life, cos that's what this is. It's life! Life, Eddie. Goes like that. (CLICKS FINGERS) I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. (APPLAUSE) (BAND PLAY UPBEAT TUNE) Congratulations, buddy. You hit a home run. Can you believe it? I did it! I finally took the plunge. And you know what? It feels great. I told you it would. Thank you. Thank you for talking some sense into me. Look at this! I'm married to this amazing girl. I got three weeks off. We're road-tripping it down to Cabo. Cabo! That's it. You're in the club. I'm in the club! Hey, when you get to the hotel, ask for Uncle Tito. And give him this as a thank you. OK, remind me again, who's Uncle Tito? He's a friend of mine. I take care of him. He gives me a big discount when I go down there. He knows you're coming. That's awesome. Thank you. Honey! My mom finally arrived! Oh, great! Where is she? There's my tiger! (LAUGHS) Give me a hug! I am so sorry I missed the ceremony. Look at her, so beautiful. That's the same dress I wore on my wedding day. Same designer? No, it's the very same dress. (BOTH LAUGH) Hm. (BOTH) # Spread out now, Rosie doctor # Come cut loose her mama's reins # You know playin' blind man's bluff # Is a little baby's game # You pick up Little Dynamite # I'm gonna pick up Little Gun # And together we're gonna go out tonight # And make that highway run (LAUGHS) You got a pretty good voice there. Why, thank you, soul mate. I'm glad you like it, cos you're gonna be hearing a lot of it for the next 40 or 50 years. Ooh. 40 or 50 years. Hey, you know what I was thinking? We should go out sport fishing. I've always wanted to catch a marlin, put it up in the store. No, baby, I can't. Why not? Because I can't do boats. I get really, really seasick. I'm sorry. That's alright. That's OK. There's a lot of other fun stuff we can do down there. Yeah. I definitely wanna get out of the hotel a few days. Maybe get a burro. A Mexican burro? Donkey? Go up into the mountains? You know, just have a little adventure. Really? Yeah. I kinda thought it would be nice to just relax on the beach, you know? Remember, honey, this is a Third World country. It can be dangerous. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know. It's Cabo. Yeah, exactly. # Come on, shake your body, baby Do that conga # I know you can't control yourself any longer # Come on, shake your body, baby Do that conga # I know you can't control yourself any longer # Yeah! Arrrrriba! # Fab Five Freddy told me everybody's fly # The DJ's spinning I said, my, my # Flash is fast, Flash is cool # Francois sez fas, Flashe no do # And you don't stop, sure shot # Go out to the parking lot # # And I'm ready to take a chance again # Ready to put my love on the line with you with you # # I'll tell you what I want What I really, really want # So, tell me what you want What you really, really want # I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna # I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig ha # # Muskrat Suzie, Muskrat Sam # Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land # And they shimmy... Hey, baby? Why don't we turn off the radio and just sort of vibe out on the wind and... chill out a little? I've got a better idea. Why don't we go find a room and fuck? OK. (TYRES SCREECH) You like that, Eddie? Yeah. Yeah, you like that, don't ya? Mm-hm. I do. Tell me how much you like it. I like it a lot! Do you like that? Whoa, yeah. Yeah, I like that. How about that? (CRACKING) Ow! No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no. No, no. No, no, don't like that. Ooh. Now I know what to do when Eddie's a bad boy. That was so beautiful. Could you not make those little circles? Just... My skin's kind of sensitive right now. Well, what if I made little squares? Hm. I don't think any shapes... I don't wanna do any shapes right now, OK? Is my Eddie Bear gonna be grouchy for the next 40 to 50 years? I'm not being grouchy. Honey. Where you going? Pee-pee. (TRICKLING) (FARTING SOUND) That wasn't what you think it was! What? I didn't hear anything. Oh, good. (LAUGHS) Cos I just queefed, big-time. K. You're retired, so these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. You work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: 1 Mr Cantrow's awfully quiet this morning. Nah, I'm always quiet in the morning, sort of. I take a little while to... get up to steam. Will you hold my hand while we eat? I really like that. Hold your hand? Of course, of course. Baby. Baby, look. Hm? They're so cute. That's us in ten years. Ten? I don't know about that. I mean, it seems like a little... I hope it's more than ten years. You're probably right. I'm really bad at math. Eddie, can I ask you something? Yeah. Erm, last night,... Mm-hm? ..you didn't think I was too hairy down there, did you? I know a lot of women shave completely, but I don't like that. It makes me feel like a little girl. But if you want, I could trim it. That way you'd be able to see my kitty ring better. I don't think so. I mean, I think... No, that's a good... I could see it. Was good visibility on it. OK. Oh. You OK? Oh, God. You alright? There's the apple juice out the nose. It's just this stupid deviated septum that I have, and it just... You've got a deviated septum? There was a kid at my camp who had a deviated septum. Really? He snored like a pig. Well, I don't snore. Good. But I do have fluids coming out of my nose, more than I'd like. We just have to keep you away from liquids, huh? Baby, look at them. They are so cute. Mm. They are adorable. # Chicken in the bread pan pickin' out dough # "Granny, does your dog bite?" "No, child, no" # "Canciones De Amor" - Julieta Venegas Aribba! This is amazing! It's even better than the brochure. Baby, look at this! Not too shabby. Eddie? Yeah? I need to say something. Erm,... I've never been married before, and I've been wanting everything to be so perfect that I think I've been acting a little... off. Oh... No! Yes. Really, I have. I've been trying so hard to act like I'm comfortable with everything that I think I've gone too far the other way. Well, maybe a little. But you know what? I'm nervous, too. I mean, here we are. You know,... we're married. We're both new at this. I'm glad you said something. Good. Well, what do you say we just reset? I like that. Yeah. Let's just... reset. Press the TiVo button. (LAUGHS) (MARIACHI BAND PLAYS) Look at this! Oh, my God! El Mariachi! I love it. This is the real Mexico, baby! Whoo! Hey. Here you go. Por favor, stay close this week with us. It's our honeymoon. Oh, my God. They have some major happy hour. Eddie Bear, you go check us in. I'll get a snack. OK. Hey, do me a favour, play for her. Go. Yes, serenade her. Hey, look, it's that fruit from the wedding. Oh. Hey. What are you guys doing here? I don't know. We're on vacation with our parents. You look disappointed to see us. Did you think it was a gays-only resort? For your information, the hot blonde over there, she's with me. That's who I'm sleeping with tonight. Impressive. Yeah. How does he do it? Does he tuck his balls under or does he tape them up real high? Take your little Human Genome Project and hit the road! Homophobic hobbits. Punks. Hola, senor. Hey. Could you tell me where I could find Uncle Tito? Yes. May I ask who is inquiring? Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow, I'm a friend of a friend. I'm supposed to give him something. He no longer works here. He's actually in jail serving ten years. Caught running cock fights and I'm not speaking about the kind with roosters. Really? Screw off! I'm joking, man! (LAUGHS) Come on! I am Uncle Tito! Oh. Pleasure to meet you! You're Uncle Tito! OK. You should have seen the look on your face. Did you bring the present from Mac? Yes, I did. Yes. Here... Yeah, here you go. Gracias. It's funny, I... Uncle Tito. I was thinking of, like, an older, gray-haired... Yes. I don't know why. You like the hair? I like it. Ohh, mamacita! Ohhhh! Pardon me. I was wanting to know if we could... Er, here is the adult sex tape you ordered, Senor Cantrow. (CLEARS THROAT) I will bill it to your room. Would you like me to bring up any more? No. Thank you. Perfecto! You will have a fun night tonight. (CHUCKLES) Baby, you've gotta try this Mind Eraser. The guy put in, like, four shots of Patron. You are even more sexier than Mac described. Oh, thank you. I was not talking to you, I was talking to him. Screw off! I'm joking, man! Come on. You are unbelievably hot. (LAUGHS) By the way, put your jewellery inside the safe. So many honeymooners lose their rings on the beach. It's very sad. OK, thanks for the tip. Also, Mac's a pal, so I want you to know I totally set you guys up. I got you the honeymoon suite. Hey, alright, thank you! This is amazing! How beautiful is this? Man. Look at that view. Eddie, think fast! Agh Honey, come on! Babe! You could take out an eye with that thing. Oh, hush, I didn't come close. Man, look at this place. Jeez. Wonder how much the room costs. Oh, honey, stop worrying about money. This is our honeymoon. We're gonna remember this for the next 40 to 50 years. Mwah! You're right. I'm thinking like a single guy. I gotta remember, we're a two-income family now. Really? You have a second job? No, I mean my salary, your salary. My salary? Yeah. Oh, what? You wanna keep our finances separate now? Honey, I'm a volunteer. Oh, yeah? Well, how much do volunteers make? A volunteer is a volunteer. I help raise money for my environmental group. I told you this. So they force volunteers to move to Rotterdam? Unmarried volunteers? They don't force them. If you wanna get in good with the company, you gotta play the game. You told me... you're an environmental researcher. Yeah, I am. Unless you don't count wading in the freezing-cold San Francisco Bay for three months, measuring PCBs, getting stung by jellyfish. I won't tell you what they had to do to take the pain away. They peed on me. Getting stung by a jellyfish makes you an environmental researcher? I love my job and I don't have to defend it to you. Job? I don't think you can to call it a job. Oh, really? What am I supposed to call it? A hobby? A hobby? A hobby. You get paid for a job. Says who? Says the dictionary. Who reads the dictionary? Not everybody. Apparently not! A "job" is a word. There's a definition! You married me for my money. What? No, wait. Don't turn this around. You gonna steal my purse like my last boyfriend? Your last boyfriend stole your purse? Duh! You were there! That was your boyfriend? That maniac mugger guy? That was my ex-boyfriend. The crazy guy on the bike? Yes. And you didn't tell me this. Why? Why would I? You and I were complete strangers. And why was he stealing your purse? Because he owed me money, so I took his wallet. I'm not gonna leave it in my apartment, because he'd break in, so I kept it in my purse, with his keys and his phone. And let me tell you something else about my little "hobby." Our kids are gonna inhabitate this Earth and I'm just trying to make sure there's some aqua life left! That's not a word. What's not a word? "Inhabitate." Oh, really? Why don't you look it up in your little "dictionary", and why don't you look up "shitfuck" while you're at it? I will look it up with "shitfuck"! Guess what? I won't find "inhabitate" or "shitfuck"! Fuck! Shit! (DOOR SLAMS) # Take my advice # If you want all the boys to treat you nice # You better act like Lila! # You can take 'em or leave 'em # When it's cold outside # And they knock at your door # Just look through the window and ask them what they came for # It's true Lila? # Cos people are funny and they don't know what they want # When they have it # It's only things they don't know that they can believe in This is stupid. # Yeah, just take 'em or leave 'em # Excuse me. A little help? Sorry, I dropped my camera. Oh. Doesn't look broken. No, don't throw it. I'll be right down. OK. Here you go. Thanks. I didn't mean to sneak up on you. I was... Oh, yeah. No problem. Was that you this morning at reception? Yeah. That wasn't what it looked like. Just looked like you were renting a videotape. I know, but I wasn't. I mean, that... I wasn't. You don't have to explain. Boys will be boys. I got a cousin who drives a truck with the bumper sticker, "Born Hard." Right. OK, but I'm not that guy. I'm not... Miranda! We're getting ready to play Parcheesi! Please come upstairs. I'm coming, I'm coming. That's my cousin. That's your cousin? We're here for a family reunion. Oh, yeah? My aunt and uncle renew their wedding vows every year. It's a little hokey, but they're still in love after 42 years, so we go along with it. That's nice. What about you? What's got you mumbling to yourself? Running low on medication? Was I mumbling? Yeah. Audibly? Miranda! We are all ready to play Parcheesi! I'm coming! Alright, OK. Hope your camera's OK. Happy mumbling. Hey. I am so sorry. No, no. Honey, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, no, no. I'm sorry. Look, really. Look, first of all, I love that you love the fishes, OK? And I think it's great that you wanna clean up the ocean, OK? Really? Yeah. Yeah, I'm just, you know... Eddie. I got all worked up. But you were right, Eddie. No, no. Yes. They should have been paying me a long time ago. Whatever. Mwah! No, but really, I mean... how am I ever gonna get out of debt if I keep letting them do this to me? How are you gonna what? Get out of debt. You're in debt? What kind of debt? You know, the kind where you owe a lot of money to people. How much money? Well, it's not so bad. I mean, ever since I stopped doing the blow, it's down to about 26K. You had a... You snorted... You had a cocaine problem? That's how I got the deviated septum, remember? You said you had a deviated septum. You didn't say that you had a... Snorting the cocaine. That's how you get a deviated septum. I didn't... OK. That kid at camp, he didn't have a blow problem, you know. He was... Well, how do you know? He was eight and my bunkmate. I mean, I would have been aware... Tell me more about this, though. You know, it's a chapter of my life that I'm not particularly proud of. Right, right. But you know what? If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a darn thing. Because it made me who I am today. And do you know who I am today, Eddie? No. Who are you? I'm Mrs Edmund Cantrow. Edward. "Edward"? You didn't tell me that! I... Yeah, Edward. Well, Mr Cantrow. Are there any other dark, dirty secrets that I should know about? Cock me! Cock me! (PANTS) Yeah, you like that, don't you? You bet. Yeah. Tell me how much you like it. I still like it a lot. Yeah. Hit me. What? Hit me! I don't wanna hit you. Come on, Eddie. I've been a bad girl. Now hit me! You've been fine. I don't wanna hit you, Lila. What's the matter, Eddie, you a little girl? Huh? Slap me like this! Ow! Ow! That's right! Aghhh! Ow! What's the matter? I thought little girls liked getting their nipples pinched. Don't you... Yeah! Oh, I love it! Like it rough! Yes! Yes, Eddie, yes! Cock me! I think I am cocking you. Fuck me like a black guy, Eddie! (SNORES) 1 Here, put some of this on my back. This is mineral oil. Yeah. No, you need sun block down here. No, you gotta use oil if you wanna get savage. Rrr! Babe, I'm telling you, the sun's really strong. You need like a 30 or a 35. I got some. Are you becoming a control freak? I mean, first the thing about having to tip the maid every day, and now this? Forget it, Eddie. I'll just do it myself if it's such a problem. I'm just saying, the sun's different here. The sun is the sun, Eddie. Aghh! Honey! Oh, Grouchy Marx, calm down. (METAL DETECTOR WHISTLE) Hey, look. He really is with that babe. Man, she is banging. That means he was telling the truth about his wife getting ice-picked. That's messed up. (MARIACHI BAND PLAY) Eddie, make them go away. Thank you, no. Not now. Thank you. We're OK. We don't want any. Thank you, though. Give them money. Here you go. Here you go. Thank you, but we're fine. We're just gonna take a little snoozelito. We snooze, huh? No, no, no, no. No. You stop. Stop. No? It's not my fault! It's the stupid Mexican ozone! No. The Mexican ozone isn't stupid, Lila. You just needed to wear some sunscreen. I was trying to get a tan. No, you were trying to get "savage." Whose side are you on, Eddie? What? What sides are there? Mine or the ozone's? Choose one! I'm your side, all right? Just calm down. Now, look, I'm gonna put a little of this aloe on your back, OK? It'll make you feel better. Ah! "Hello?" Hey, Pop, it's me. Listen, is this a good time? I'm in Vegas. Flew out for the weekend. Here, I want you to say hi to somebody. Hi, Eddie, this is Patty! Yeah, I met your father playing keno. What a hot ticket. Hey, I heard you got married. Congratulations. "Your father says she's amazing." Not really. Can I talk to my dad? "Alright." "What's up? You OK, kid?" No, I'm not OK. Dad, I got big, big problems here. I think Lila might be... a little off. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Kitty ring? Uh-huh. So, let me get this straight. You think your wife's a nutcase because on your honeymoon, in a tropical paradise, she's singing a lot, wanting to have sex around the clock, and, accidentally, she got a little too much sun? Yeah, but it's worse than it sounds. Now listen to me, and listen to me good! When your wife, on her honeymoon, asks you to cock her, you cock her good, Goddammit! Senor Eddie, are you finished? Yeah. Thanks, Tito. Where is your lovely wife this evening? She got too much sun, so she decided to crash out early. Are you sure it was the sun that made her tired, and not you? Ah, you! Tito! Yes, senorita. Alright, I want another round, but make it Flytails this time. No problem. Hey. Hey! What are you doing down here at the bar? VCR break down? I was starting to chafe. So... Well, that's the way it goes. You're Miranda, right? I am. I'm Eddie. Nice to meet you, officially. Nice to meet you, too. What's a Flytail? I've got no idea, but it has tequila and a cool name, so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I like your thinking. You know who figured out how to do it right? The people who live in the spots where the rest of us vacation. Oh, you mean those perma-vacationers. Yeah. You think they're having that good a time? Hell yeah. Really? Oh, of course. Really? I don't know. I always feel like they must be running from something. From boring lives. Most people get two or three weeks of vacation to have fun. These people party all year round! Yeah. Where are you from? Oxford, Mississippi. Oh. Really? You don't have an accent. Excuse me? Yeah? Are you here on your honeymoon? Actually, I am. Are you having a good time? Er... We're having an incredible time. We're having the time of our lives. What are you doing down here? Go to your room. (LAUGHS) She's... Here are your Flytails. (LAUGHS) Thank you! Sweetheart, help me with the drinks? Yeah, sure, Dream Weaver. No problem. Just gonna help her. Take it easy. Hey, next time you tell people we're married, I'd appreciate if you at least acted happy. Yeah, well, actually... Miranda! Where have you been? Relax, everybody, I got more booze. (ALL CHEER) This is my friend, Eddie. Hi. How'd you manage to make a friend, Miranda? I put an ad in the paper. This is my family, starting with my aunt and uncle, Beryl and Boo. Beryl and Boo. It's your anniversary. That's right. Congratulations. I think that's a beautiful name, Boo. Is that short for something? I'm Boo. Oh! Sorry. Yeah, it's short for Buford. Buford? OK. But why don't they call you "Byoo"? (ALL LAUGH) Byoo! Why didn't we ever think of that? It's been there for 30 years and we never noticed it, then you walk up, and boom! You are a hair-trigger is what you are. That is too funny. (ALL LAUGH) These are my cousins, Buzz and Martin. Hello, Mr. Funny, I'm Buzz. Their lovely wives, Deborah and Gayla. I remember you, Eddie. You're the film buff. And the lovely man in the back is my Grandpa Anderson. Hi, there. (WHEEZES) Well, nice to meet all of you guys. Have a great night. Excuse me, senor. You have a round of shots from your new friends. Oh! Well! Nope. Deborah and myself will not be having any. Yeah, I think I'm gonna pass also. I just... Yeah. I think I'm gonna... Yeah, I don't think you're gonna get off that easy, sweetheart. Thank you! Well, might as well give them their money's worth. Thank you. Hey, here's to Beryl and Byoo. (ALL LAUGH) He did it again! You are too much. Alright, everybody. Are you ready? Bottoms up! Whoooo! Man! That's awful! It's like somebody gets inside your chest a guy with, like, a bongo. And we gotta pay for it! Oh, man. Martin, you're a high school baseball coach. Yeah. That is so cool. Boo coached the team before Martin. Never missed a game in 28 years. Well, there were a few games I wish I had missed. And Miranda coaches the women's lacrosse team at Ole Miss. I do. You're a lacrosse coach? I am. That is... Wow. That's... So you're a whole family of coaches. Yes, we are. There was a big article in the Oxford Eagle. Probably still online. That's amazing. And what about you, Buzz? I'm not a coach. I have a couple Subway sandwich shops in Oxford. And we're about to open up a third on Route 122. We find if you keep the tuna fresh, they'll keep coming back. A Subway. I love Subway. We're also opening a Ruby Tuesday's. We're gonna take it to the next level. But that's this, OK? Don't let it leave this circle. That's exciting. That's great. We keeping it class organisations, good food, served in a hurry. And with metal silverware this time. That's cool. How about you, Eddie? You a sports fan? I am. Actually, I own a sporting goods store up in San Francisco. (ALL) Ohh! Yeah. I love sports. In fact, I even lost my virginity on a baseball diamond. You're too much. Really? Yeah. The older kids pushed me down, and... Rrrr! (LAUGHTER FADES) It was not pretty. Did you file charges? No. I'm... He was making a joke, Gayla. Yeah, I was just... About anal rape? (ALL LAUGH) You are a pistol! (LAUGHS) My point is, why do we always assume the aliens from the spaceships are people? Why couldn't they be cows from that planet? Right! Do you understand what I'm saying? So even if the cows are so evolved to the point where they're smart enough to build flying saucers, the people on the planet are probably so far past that that they still look down at the cows. Perhaps. "Look at the dumb cows and their stupid UFOs". Or "FO" to them, because they know what it is. Yes, exactly. Hey. So... Here, OK. Can I just say, about your family, apropos of nothing? I love them. They're awesome. Thank you. Yeah. (LAUGHS) With one exception. I get a weird vibe from... Marvin? Martin. Martin. Yes, I feel like Martin is maybe just a little bit of a big, wet, flapping douchebag? Dude! That's my cousin! Just saying. JS. He's cool. Come on. He's... Martin's just got a burr up his butt lately cos he's... Cos there's this guy back home, Cal. It's his best friend. And up until about a month ago, we were serious, so... It comes to a point where it's gonna happen or it's not. Right, right. And he or you did not want it to happen, or... He's like one of those guys who likes his routine a lot, so... He didn't want to mess with that. What... So, you mean, like... Marriage? Like he didn't want to marry you? Can you believe that? No! No, right? What is his deal? What the hell is wrong with Cal? So, anyway, I told him that I thought we should take a breather. And now I'm realising, with all the time apart, how different we really are. So, what about you, kind sir? Do you have a girlfriend back home? Erm... Miranda! Where the hell have you been? I've been here... 45 minutes I've been looking for you. Everybody in the suite is passed-out drunk. So? So, nobody's looking after Peepaw. I just caught him urinating in the hallway. Oh, shit! You think that's funny, mister? How about you go clean it up? Martin. Martin, relax. Sorry. We're deep-sea fishing tomorrow. Wanna come? We can't just be inviting anybody to come along. Talk to the captain. There's weight capacity issues. Point is moot. I can't go. Good night. Good night. I'll see you. OK. I smell something weird. Somebody's been hitting the devil's lettuce. 1 Where have you been? Hi! Hey! Oh. Honey,... I was downstairs. Downstairs. You left here seven hours ago, Eddie. You said you were just having dinner. I did! I was at the bar. I had the chimichangas and the chalupa sampler on the side. Chimichangas don't take that long! No, they were quick. The chalupas were a little slow. But, honey, I met this great older couple who found out it was our honeymoon, and bought me a shot and this other group and then we all had shots, and... What other group? This other group. Just these rednecks who were down at the bar. But cool rednecks, you know, like Jimmy Carter types. That doesn't explain why you come in at 4am when the bar closed at 2. You said you wanted sleep, so to allow you to rest I just sat on the beach and watched the waves. You were on the beach all this time? Yeah. Really? Yes. Honey. Eddie Bear. Honey. I don't want you to be... Careful! OK. Oh. I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean to take it out on you. I just... I've been so miserable. You know, I have this sunburn. I have a pill stuck up my nose. I can't sleep. What? You got a pill stuck up your nose? Yeah. I tried to take a Tylenol for the pain, you know, and these Mexican pills are so big that I started choking, and then it got stuck in my stupid deviated septum. Did you try to get it out? Uh-huh. These crappy tweezers don't work. It's just stuck. Honey. I'm gonna take care of this, alright? OK. I'm gonna get rid of your little... Your little unwanted visitor up there. Here, go this way. OK. Good. Now tilt back. Hey, this is like that game Operation. Oh, yeah. Beep! (LAUGHS) You touched my nose! Yes, I did. OK, you gotta hold still, though. Agh, agh, agh. Ooh. Wow, that's big. Ohh. My face feels so swollen. I should take the cream off, I think. Alright. Ohh. That feels so much better. How do I look? What, is it bad? No. It's not that... (GASPS) Oh, my God! Honey. It's awful! Honey! It's not that bad! Babe! Lila, come on! (SMASHING) Lila, they have our credit card. We're liable for the damages. Go away! This is all your fault! How is it my fault? You threw such a hissy fit about the stupid sun block that I wanted to prove you wrong! You won, OK? Are you happy now? Lila, that's crazy talk. I'm ugly! Honey, it's just a sunburn! (SOBS) Lila? Lila, come on. This is ridiculous. How long are you gonna stay in there? None of your business. Now leave me alone, Edward. Babe, come on, I gotta pee. So? Let me in. Go pee somewhere else. Why don't you go explore Mexico or something? Honey, I don't want to explore Mexico without you. Come on. Well, I wanna be alone. Well, you gotta eat. Wanna have some breakfast? Slide the menu under the door. Hey, you! Hey! Thought you guys were going on that fishing expedition. We slept in. Yeah, I'm out a $150 deposit, thanks to you, Mr Party Boy. I guess that's how y'all do it in California, huh? Just rock on with no consideration for other people's plans. All right, Martin, stop being a tightwad. We'll all chip in. I'm not gonna chip in for no goddamn boat. You gotta hear this one. You tell him. No, you. OK. Earlier today we were walking on the beach and we got to talking about last night. Buzz was saying how good it was getting to know you. It's been a pleasure. Me, too. For his birthday, we'll get Boo a licence plate that says "Byoo"! Can you imagine that? Christmas morning, he'll open in. Byoo! No numbers. Byoo! That's great. He'll love that. But that's a big secret. Mum's the word, OK? Who am I gonna tell? Good to see you. Take it easy. What do you have there? It looks like you're eating for two. Oh, no, no. Yeah. No, no. I just... I just wanted to load up on some carbs this morning. And eggs, too. Eggs and carbs, and, you know... Hey, here's something to do. There's a double-decker bus running tours out to a town called Miraflores. It's the basil capital of Mexico. Let me see that. Bagel capital? No. I've always wondered how they cultivate basil. Me, too. Educational. No, it's a herb. It's a herb. Italian herb. She puts it on a lot of food. Oh, everything. I love it. Pesto. Is it spicy? No, it's not spicy. You can order a whole box of it. Si, senor. Uncle Tito will take care of everything. OK. Hey. Listen, Tito, I need you to do me a big, big favour. 300 pesos. You don't even know what it is yet. It is something nasty, or you would be doing it yourself. Fine. Honey? Is that you? Mm-hm. Good. I'll open the door, and you slide it in. Hey! (LAUGHS) # From nowhere # Through a caravan Thank you! # Around the campfire light OK. A little bit of salsa. # A lovely woman in motion You OK? # With hair as dark as night (ALL CHEER) # Her eyes # Were like that of a cat in the dark # That hypnotized me with love # She was a gypsy woman He keeps nipping at me. Rat-a! (SCREAMS) # She was dancing with all the men # I hate to see the lady go # Knowing she'll never know # That I love her # I love her # Gypsy woman # Gypsy woman # (ALL) Uno! Dos! Tres! (ALL) Ohhhh! (CELLPHONE RINGS) Lime! Oh, my God. Good. Good. Hello? Hey, Mac! Listen, man, I owe you, buddy. This place is like... This is like my favourite place ever! Oh! I told you you'd love it. "And the people, the people down here!" Oh, my God, I know. Aren't they great? I'm seriously thinking of selling the store and opening a place down here. (LAUGHS) So, how's Lila? Oh, I'm sorry. Who? Your wife. Lila. (ALL CHEER) She's not so good. She got a little sunburned, so... ..I've been hanging out with this other girl. (LAUGHS) Yeah. Wait. What, are you serious? Wha...? Divorce lawyer? What the hell are you talking about? Do you get a buzz off it? (SPEAKS SPANISH) (ALL CHEER) The second we got married, a switch flipped. She's a nightmare. Yeah, well, bitches be crazy, man. You know that. Tammy's always flipping switches. You're always saying you're happy. You wanna know the secret to a happy marriage? Do what I do. Plaster on a fake smile, plough through the next half-century, sit back, relax and wait for the sweet embrace of death. Hey! Wow! What about my hips? And my butt? Great. I love it. Looks great. Where is it? (BOTH LAUGH) Yes! I'm coming, Alfons! So, this other girl. It doesn't bother her you're a newlywed? No. I mean, I haven't exactly made it clear to her. I have to find the right moment. Eddie. Eddie! Hold on a second. Eddie! Come on, there are sea lions in the ocean! Really? OK, hang on! She found sea lions now, come on! Isn't that amazing? I gotta go! Don't! Eddie, Eddie! Come home! Come home! Come home, Eddie! Wow. For as long as you remember, you've brushed all your teeth diligently. Mm-hm. Twice a day, right? Uh-huh. But 80% of your mouth's bacteria aren't even on your teeth. (MUFFLED) 80%? Shocking, isn't it? That's why you need Colgate Total. It fights bacteria on teeth, tongue, cheeks and gums. So 100% of your mouth's surfaces get protected every time you brush. Colgate Total - for whole mouth health. And for an even healthier mouth between brushings, try Colgate Total mouthwash. 1 (BOTH SING ALONG) # Ashes to ashes, funk to funky # We know Major Tom's a junkie # Strung out in heaven's high # Hitting an all-time low # Wow, what a great day. I had so much fun. Here are your Mexican sombreros. Gracias. (HORN BEEPS) Oh! Look, the gang's back. Basil sniffers. OK, let's hurry up. We're meeting everybody on the veranda in 15 minutes. Right. OK, good. Hey, Dad. There's the guy from San Francisco whose wife was murdered. Where? The guy right there. Yeah, some crazy guy hacked her up with an ice pick. They caught the dude, though. Some guy named Ronald. Hey, baby! Eddie Bear's home! And boy, do I got a story for you. I hope so, seeing that you've been gone all day. Honey. Mwah! Guess what happened? I go to get your breakfast. Who do I run into out of the clear blue? Who? Yvon Chouinard! Who? Yvon Chouinard, big cheese at Patagonia. And? And? Come on, honey, Patagonia's my biggest supplier. I carry their entire line. Yvon and his buddies are going golfing. Water? No. They ask me if I want to go. What am I gonna do? Say no? No. But you didn't bring your clubs. I demoed a set! TaylorMade! Sweet, too! Added, like, 30 extra yards to my drives! Who were the buddies? Just a couple of guys. Lenny from Akron, insurance guy. Kind of a stiff, but good golfer. And the local Patagonia rep. What was his name? His name was Six-toe. Six-toe? Yeah, Six-toe. Amputee. Lost four toes scaling up Everest. Did it without oxygen. One of those guys. He showed me. Retained the outer toes, lost the middle, kept the balance points, all you need. He says it gives him a better swing. He swings right through, less resistance. Fascinating guy. Eddie, since when has golf taken seven hours? Yeah, well, we got behind a Korean couple, so... But it actually worked to my advantage cos we got to talk shop, and if things pan out, we could be talking about sweet credit terms. Why didn't you call me? I've been worried sick. Honey, I did! You get a mile away, it's like trying to get reception on the moon! What are you doing? Are you going somewhere? I just told you, I'm taking them out to dinner in five minutes. When did you say that? OK. First of all, these people... Let me explain. These people, they're primed. This opportunity... This is the head of an incredibly important company. International, OK? They've taken the bait, now I gotta get 'em in the boat and club 'em to death. Kill time, honey. I can't let the air out. Then all the momentum I built up evaporates. Shouldn't take too long, cos they started dropping back the shots about two hours ago. So, interested in anything anybody has to say. So, you know, it's gonna be good. All right. Well, hang on a sec. Let me put on some makeup. You're coming? Of course I'm coming. Yes! Good! Sweet! I'll just call down and tell them to make room for one more on the skiff. On the skiff? Uh-huh. We're going out on this little 12-foot Zodiac, inflatable job, twilight cruise. No, Eddie, I can't go on a boat. Oh. Oh, crap. That's right. You sure? We're only going a few miles out past the breakwater. Where the continental shelf drops off? It's supposed to be amazing. The guy said it's where they filmed that movie, The Perfect Storm. Honey, I'm sorry, I feel bad, but there's no way I'd last out there. You know what? Screw it. Screw it! What am I doing? I'm on my honeymoon! Thank you for getting my head straight. I'll cancel. What about the credit terms? Alright. You know what? Fine. You win. We do it your way. I'll go, finish the deal quickly, come back, take you out for a late dinner. That sound good? Alright? OK. Good. Also, there's important stuff I wanna talk to you about. Oh, yeah? Like, good stuff or bad stuff? Like, well, you know, at first you might flinch, but then, I think, in the long run,... great stuff. OK. OK. OK. OK, good. Oh, honey? Yeah? I'm sorry I swatted you away this morning. I didn't mean to hit you so hard. Swatted me away? You know, when you were sitting outside the bathroom door after you dropped off the food, and you put my hand on your schlong? You just surprised me, you know? And I wasn't feeling so well. But I promise I'll make it up to you tonight. Super. Hey. Hey, there, Tito. Hey, Senor Eddie. How's it going, man? I'm OK. Yeah? You sure? You look like you got a little hitch in your giddy-up. Oh, no. Long story. I will not bore you with it. No, no, no. Bore me. Please. I got all the time in the world. What happened? OK. After I dropped the food off, I placed my penis in your wife's hand and she smacked it away. She nailed me pretty good, too. Are you for real? What are you doing? You crossed a serious line there. That's not acceptable. You don't do that. Come on. Screw off! You're joking, right? You had me! No. That's good! No, I'm not joking. That's outrageous! That's not acceptable behaviour! You don't just go and take your penis and put it in my wife's hand! Well, when you put it that way... Wow, I'm sorry. I feel really bad, OK? What were you thinking? It's just that, well... You come down here and you try to bribe me with your porno tapes, and then I see you running around with other women on your honeymoon, and I just figured that, "Anything goes with this guy, hey?" Alright, fine. I am sorry for the misunderstanding, senor! Ahh! Hey! Hey! Wow. You look beautiful. Thanks. So, you gonna walk me over? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, listen. Erm... I, er... I gotta tell you something. And it's something I should have said before, but I didn't, and... I know about your wife. You do? How? Beryl overheard some people talking about it on the bus. They were talking about it on the bus? So it's true, then? Yeah. But it's really important for you to know that it is over. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. At first, it didn't even occur to me cos, you know, when I first met you... And then... I don't know, I didn't realise I was gonna like you so much. And... I didn't wanna freak you out, so... You wouldn't have freaked me out. Really? So you're not mad? No. I'm sad. That must have been horrible. It was. It is. I mean, it sucks. You're, like, the coolest person on the planet. Really. Oh! No, I mean, I wasn't expecting this reaction. So your whole family knows? Yeah. Ohh. I can't imagine they're taking it as well as you are. Of course they are. They just wanna support you. Even Martin? Boo instructed everybody not to even bring it up. Dynamite! (BOTH LAUGH) (ALL CHAT / LAUGH) The burros. You go to the top of a mountain and they leave you there... All the way up to the top and camp there overnight. By starlight, make a fire... We should do it! Totally. I'm serious. We can do it the day after tomorrow. OK, I have some things I have to move around. It'll be a bit of a headache, but I'll make it happen. Am I the only one who's still bothered by him? I believe you are. Alright. Well, let me ask you this, OK? This dude's supposed to be down here in mourning. What's he doing canoodling with Miranda? And the goat was dead? No! Really? The goat got back up! Everybody mourns in their own way. Why don't you cut him some slack? He likes her and she likes him. They're not breaking any rules. I don't trust him. (LAUGHTER) # Throw it all out the window # Hear it crash on the street down below # Everything that we ever had (SNORES) # Wave goodbye and watch it go # I say I want freedom # But it's a lie # Out of the frying pan # Into the fire Hey. Hi. Hi. How you doing? Honey, I'm sorry for ruining our honeymoon. I'm such a sucky wife. No, honey, you're not. You're great. You're an amazing, beautiful person. However, I do think we should talk. Hold on. I have something for you. Oh. I love that. Thank you. So, anyway, I've been thinking... Honey, turn it over. Did you make this? Mm-hm. Before we left. You made this? You sewed this yourself? Yeah. And the hearts? Uh-huh? Your heart and my heart, together. Forever. So, honey, what did you wanna talk to me about? I want to talk to you about nothing right now. I want you to get some rest and we'll talk in the morning, OK? Give me a kiss. OK. Eddie Bear, I love you. Mm. I love, love, love, love, love... Love, love, love. OK. OK. 1 So, what's this important stuff you wanted to talk to me about? Yeah, OK. Oh, my God! This guac is fucking awesome! Is it? That's good. Good. Your hand, Eddie. Look, I'm just gonna lay this out there, alright? I have not been a good husband. I've been bad. (SIGHS) I am so glad to hear you say that, Eddie. I mean, I thought I was losing my mind. It's like the moment we got married, a switch went off and you became this loony bird. Yes! Yes, you're right! I did turn into... a loony bird, and it's not you, it's me. This conversation is about my deficiencies because, as a wife, you've been spot-on. You've been incredible. You've been doing everything a wife should do, and any man would be happy to have a wife like you, and kudos to you for putting up with me and all of my... junk. Thank you. But the point is, honey, you shouldn't have to put up with your husband. You deserve so much better. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah, you're apologising. That's very sweet. No. No, I'm not... I'm not... Oh, God, that frigging stuff is hot. Honey, look... In life, sometimes... Sometimes we make choices and, in retrospect, we realise the choice wasn't the right choice. Not a bad choice, not a good choice, just not the correct choice for the people who are involved. What are you getting at, Eddie? Lila, we're not gonna be happy together in San Francisco. Rotterdam! That's where you gotta be. I... It hit me! That's where your destiny is. Cleaning up the bogs, and getting the environment right over there. That's what you should be doing, not hanging out in San Francisco with me, some sporting-goods schmo... Oh, my God! Are you saying what I think you're saying? I'm saying... (SOBS) Lila? This is gonna be a good thing, Lila. (SOBS) Lila, it's better. It's for the... Lila, you got a little piece of tri-tip coming out here. This is so for the best. Do you hear me? Can I call my mom? Yes, of course! You wanna call her, go ahead, call her. (SOBS) "Hello?" Mom, it's me. No, no, I'm OK. It's just... Something's happened. Something huge. Eddie's moving to Rotterdam with me! (SOBS) No, no, wait! No, Lila, no. He doesn't wanna be a sporting-goods schmo! Lila! Hold on, he wants to tell you himself. No, I didn't want... Hello? "Hey, Eddie! Having fun?" Yeah, we're having a ball. "And I hear you're moving to Germany?" No, no. See, Lila got a little bit ahead of herself, and I haven't gotten through the entire plan with her, but she... You know what? I gotta go. I gotta say goodbye, OK? OK. Yes. "Love you! Bye!" Hey! Isn't he the greatest? What's that? I know! (LAUGHS) I know. How you guys doing? Not too good. Beryl and Boo are set to renew their vows and we can't find Miranda anywhere. Have you seen her? Who's Miranda? Miranda, honey, is their cousin. Their cousin. You know what? Excuse me for one second. Come here. Sorry, Mom. Yeah, no. I don't know. Just some guys. Guys! Guys! What are you doing? You're killing me here. What is this? What's going on? Look, Martin, I know you're upset about Cal, Miranda and me. We can talk about it, but not now. I'm about to tell her. Who is that? It's my wife! Wife? What are you, like, snorting peyote? Come on, it's me. It's Eddie. But your wife was murdered. What? Those twins. They said your wife was murdered by a maniac with an ice pick. No, no. Look, you guys, all you have to know is that from the second I fell in love with Miranda, I have not once cheated on her with my wife. I really haven't... You sick little prick! Martin! No, stop! Here, take this. Aghhh! Martin... Aghhh! Aghhh! Hey, what are you doing? Get off me! You gotta get yourself right with God, buddy! He is not worth it! Get off! What is going on? Eddie, who was that? Hm! I have absolutely no idea. How's your... How's your... (SNORTS) What do you mean, you have no idea? They called you Eddie. You knew their cousin. No, I know. I know who they were, they're the Patagonia guys. I didn't understand why they were so... acting like that. (SOUGHS) Eddie, are you OK? No! I'm not OK! Look, Lila, we're not OK. It's over! (MARIACHI BAND PLAY) No! Could you please go away?! What? We're over! What do you mean? Stop! What's over? Hang on a sec. Here! Here you go. 50. 50 Americano. Please stop, OK? (BAND PLAYS DIFFERENT TUNE) No! No, stop! Will you shut up? We're trying to have lunch here! Would you stop? I'm paying a lot of money to stay at this hotel! I'm on my honeymoon! We want a nice quiet lunch. Eddie, it's OK. No! It's not OK! We're newlyweds! We wanna have a quiet time together! How can we have any good memories if you guys keep... Da-da-da-da?! Eddie, it's OK, I am having good... # Da-da-da-da-da! Eddie, please sit down! Wow. I was starting to wonder where all that passion had gone. Lila,... I'm sorry, but you and I are finished. What are you talking about, Eddie? What about our Rotterdam plans? I'm sorry. I'll be right back. Eddie! You're acting like a loony bird again! Hey. Hey. Oh, my God! What happened to your nose? Martin stuck a pepper up it. What? There's been a misunderstanding. I don't wanna be rude but can it wait? No! I'm gonna be late for Beryl and Boo's ceremony. Look, my wife was never murdered. What? Yeah, my wife, she never died. I never said that, it was just those stupid twins, they... What are you saying? You're not a widower? No... No, he's married! Martin just told me. He's been staying here with his wife all week! What is she talking about? It's true, I'm... But it's over, Miranda. I mean, it's... Get away from me. Miranda, it's OK. Leave me alone! (SCREAMS) Miranda! Whoa! Hang on! Eddie! Shit! Eddie! I was trying to tell you before. Leave me alone! Get away from me! Miranda! Eddie! What the hell is going on? Lila, I was trying to tell you before, and I... Did I cut my back on the rocks? (SCREAMS) What?! Oh, my God! Man-o'-war! Get it off! Get it off! (SCREAMING) (ALL LAUGH) (MARIACHI BAND PLAY) Get it off! Get it off! I'm not doing anything. This is what he gets. (SCREAMS) It's OK! I know what to do. What are you doing? (SCREAMS) Keep still! No! Eddie! (SCREAMS) (TRICKLING) Burning! Burning! (MUSIC STOPS) It's OK! (SCREAMS) Aghhhh! Ohhhhh! I know, honey. Isn't that nice? Whoa! Sick! Aghhh! Aghh. Oh, no! It's OK, I'm his wife. We're on our honeymoon! Honeymoon? Miranda, it's not what it seems. No. Wait, Miranda! Miranda! (ECHOES) It fights bacteria For as long as you remember, cheeks and gums. you've brushed all your teeth diligently. Mm-hm. Twice a day, right? Uh-huh. But 80% of your mouth's bacteria aren't even on your teeth. (MUFFLED) 80%? Shocking, isn't it? That's why you need Colgate Total. It fights bacteria on teeth, tongue, cheeks and gums. So 100% of your mouth's surfaces get protected every time you brush. Colgate Total - for whole mouth health. And for an even healthier mouth between brushings, try Colgate Total mouthwash. 1 I think it was a confluence of events, you know? With my dad busting my balls about my dating life, then going to Jodi's wedding. Why did I even go to Jodi's wedding? Just to torture myself? Mac's all up in my grill about being married. It's just... I don't know, I jumped, you know, I jumped. I felt the heat and jumped, and it was two days, three days early. And I'll tell you something. I should've just gone with my dad to Vegas and double-teamed those girls. That would've been the decent thing to do. Senor Eddie! Hey, there he is! Senor Tito! My Tito-Bandito! Eddie, what are you doing? I'm just hanging with my brother, my brother Manuel. Eddie, people are looking for you. Your father keeps calling, Mac is trying to track you down. What am I supposed to tell the American girl, the... Miranda? What do I tell her? Miranda? Miranda? Yes! What? Her family flew home, but she didn't. And she has been everywhere searching for you. She has? (LAUGHS) Screw off! I'm joking, man! That chick ran for the hills, huh? (LAUGHS) You should've seen your face! You were so happy! For a moment, you were like... "Ahhhh!" (LAUGHS) I can't believe I got you again! (LAUGHS FALSELY) Hee-hee! The funny man! That's cool, man. Don't worry about me. Seriously, are you here for a reason? Huh? What's the deal? What, you want to tell me to, like, go back and get Lila? Or go back to the States? It's not gonna happen! Look at you. Listen to you. You are sounding loco! Oh, I'm loco? Yes. No, you're loco! Lila burned my wallet, she burned my clothes, she burned my passport. Even if I wanted to go back, I couldn't! I can't get papers for a month or something. But you know what? I don't need papers to hang with this guy, cos he doesn't want papers. He just wants friendship, don't you? And we're gonna stay here, we're gonna keep talking it out until it feels right up in my head. Right, Manny? Even if it takes forever. Am I right? Listen, you little gringo pussy, you've been ear-fucking me for two straight weeks about all this shit! You wanna fix what you did? Stop talking about it, just do it! Get off your ass and do it! (GROWLS) Manuel is right, Senor Eddie. You are going to have to go back and fix this yourself, OK? Now, come on. Get up! Can't. You can do it, come on! Listen. I have connections, people that can sneak you back into California. You're not joking? No, I promise. I'm not kidding this time. OK, good. Good, good. Yes! But I don't wanna go to California. I wanna go to Mississippi. # "Put the Message in the Box" - World Party (GUNS COCK) Whoa! It's cool, guys! I'm an American. I just lost my passport. # And if you listen now # You might hear (HELICOPTER WHIRRS) # A new sound coming in # As an old one disappears # See the world # In just one grain of sand # You better take a closer look # Don't let it slip right through your hand America! (SIRENS WAIL) Stop right there! I'm an American! # Drive the car around the world # Until you get heard # Adios, amigos! (ALL SHOUT) # "Under Pressure" - Queen and David Bowie (ALL SHOUT IN SPANISH) Come on, grab his hand! You can do it! # Pressure pushing down on me (ALL SHOUT) # Pressing down on you no man ask for Come on, buddy! Come on! Grab it! # That burns a building down (ALL CHEER) # Splits a family in two # Puts people on streets (SCREAMS) # It's the terror of knowing what the world is about # Watching some good friends screaming 'Let me out'... # I'm going on the record here, Eddie. I think this is a bad, bad idea. (SPEAKS SPANISH) Huh? Look, Pop, I appreciate your coming down here and helping me out. This is just something that I have to do, OK? I don't understand what happened with you and Lila. She was such a sweet kid. Dad, I love Miranda. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Alright, Eddie. Just be careful, OK? Remember, this is the Bible Belt. These people have guns. This is it, right here! Stop! Stop! Don't you think we should clean you up or give you a shave? No. I've been working on my speech for a month. I just wanna do it. Knock 'em dead! (LAUGHS WEAKLY) (DOORBELL RINGS) Seven pitches in a row over 90 miles an hour? That boy hums that ball! Byoo! Look what the cat dragged in! I know, don't ask. Is Miranda around? You must be out of your mind. Well, no, I'm not. Oh, my God! Why am I not surprised this moron's standing out here? I don't want any trouble, Martin. You're about to get some trouble! get off my stoop! You piece of shit! A refreshingly honest response. And let me just drop some of that back on you, and tell you I made a huge mistake, OK? Guilty. Boom. I stepped in it, big-time. And I admit it, OK? I jumped into a marriage way too quickly. I only knew my wife for a couple months, OK? So that's the back story. How long did you know Miranda before you decided she was the one? Hmm! Two days, and I hear that. Let me just say to you, "That's my point". I won't make the same mistake again, OK? Rest assured, I have got my act together. Once my annulment is finalised, I believe Miranda and I should go slow. I mean, you know, date for a while. Move in together for like a year, at least. See what it feels like, then go from there, OK? No promises. Really? Yeah. I wanna do it right this time. There ain't gonna be a this time, Eddie. The popcorn has popped. Miranda and Cal got married two weeks ago Saturday. What? What are you... What are you talking about? She has finally come to her senses. I don't believe you. Oh, you better believe it. Eddie... I don't believe you. It's true. They got married? Well, can I... At least, can I talk to her in person... No, you cannot! Calm down! Stay the hell away from Miranda! I will put my fist through your face! Both of my fists! I'm calm! I'm being calm. You're holding me too tight! Stop it. Eddie... Take it easy, boy. I'm fine. We ask you to respect Miranda and Cal's privacy. Give those kids a chance to be happy. If you care about Miranda, that's what you'll do. OK, Beryl. I will. 1 Pss-pss-pss-pss. (WHISPERS) Miranda. (GASPS) Shhh! It's OK! It's me. It's just Eddie. Are you crazy? Shh! This is crazy! Hi! What the hell are you doing here? It's OK, it's OK. Beryl told me you got married. I just wanted to talk to you. This is my husband sleeping next to me. Do you see that? Yes, I do. This is not the time or the place for this! Please. I'll be quiet. Just hear me out. No! I am not gonna hear you out! This is insane! I'm begging you! You don't know what I've been through to get here. You got one minute. Go. OK, look. First of all, I'm so sorry I didn't tell you I was married. I tried to tell you but we kept getting interrupted. And there was this classic misunderstanding about my wife being murdered. Anyway, the point is... Whether you tried to tell me or not, you tried to pick me up on your honeymoon! Do you know how creepy that is? Yes, I do. It's repulsive, and I owe you a massive apology. But I'm glad it happened. Look, it's not my fault the Lord works in mysterious ways. And so, yeah, I screwed up, OK? I got married a week too early. But I wouldn't change any of it. I don't regret marrying Lila because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have gone to Cabo and met you and fallen in love with you, and I will never apologise for that. Not ever. Goddammit, Eddie. I know. Aghhh! (SCREAMS) (CLAPS) Martin! Martin, put the bat down. Just shush, alright? This ain't about you, it's about him! What? Who the hell is he? The psychopath who's trying to steal your woman! I knew you wouldn't stay away, you son of a bitch! I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. Eddie, you've gotta get out of here! Not until you give me an answer. No! There ain't gonna be no answer! Aghhh! Damn you, Martin! Damn, that hurts! Shit! You... Martin, that hurts! You wanna throw down, tough guy? I will mess your shit up! Come on. I don't want any trouble. Back up. Well, trouble's found you, pussydick! Dad! It's OK. Look, Miranda, just tell me, do you feel the same way, or not? We can figure everything else out. No, I don't, Eddie. We had a connection in Mexico, and that's all it was. I love Cal, and everything that happened in Cabo made me realise that. I'm sorry. That's the deal. Come on, kid, let's get out of here. Come on, come on. Come on. Bitches be crazy, you know that. Come on. Yeah, take care, Grandpa. Come on, let's go. Wow. Hey, Dad? Hm? Take a look. If she's watching, it means I still have a shot. Your goose is cooked, Eddie. # I would have given you all of my heart # But there's someone who's torn it apart # And she's taken almost all that I've got Come on, man. You can't leave me now. I finally straightened Tammy out. What does that mean? It means I stood up to her. I told her, from now on, Thursday through Sunday, it's gonna be bros before hos. I said, "I's needs my's alone time." Really? You said that? Like that? Putting your hand up, like... Half that, yeah. And she bought it? (CELLPHONE RINGS) Oh. Honey, I'm conversing with Edward right now. I'll speak to you later. Goodbye. Wow. Impressive. Yeah, see? That's how it's gonna be. Please don't go. We've been through this. There's no reason for me to be here, OK? Lila got the store in the divorce. My dad's off in Vegas all the time. I haven't met anybody in the last six months. Because you're still hung up on that Miranda chick. No, I'm not! I'm over her. I moved on. In fact, I'm starting to think a lot of good came out of that experience. Really? Yeah! Like, you got to sit around for six months in your panties, growing that funky beard. Awesome. Which is why I need to change. I can't sit waiting for life to happen. I gotta follow my instincts, and my instincts are telling me... Mac, get your ass in the fucking car right now! You got it, sweetie. Hi. Eddie! Think about what I said. Bros before hos! How you doing, Eddie? You sad? No. Good. Good. OK. OK. Bye, Lester. Now, for another $150, I can give you the Uncle Tito special. A guided tour to the island's best reef! $150? That's a little steep, isn't it? Or you can find it yourself. You're pretty big. I don't think you'll have a problem fending off the sharks. Tito! Don't scare them. There's no sharks. There's sand sharks, they don't have teeth. You see that attitude? You have no business sense. Hey, Manuelito! Do me a favour. Help Tito give these folks some snorkel gear. Throw in the fins for free. Oh, hey. Thanks, Eddie. How much for a skimboard? Hey! Hi! Hi. What are you...? What are you doing here? Down here with the family. It's that time of year again. Beryl and Boo are renewing their vows on the beach this afternoon. Wow! And, to be honest, I had heard a rumour that you'd opened a business down here. Oh, yeah? How'd you hear that? I got the e-vite for your grand opening. Oh, right. Yeah, I had a group e-mail list that I... I can't believe you really moved here. Yeah, I did it. I became one of those perma-vacationers, like we talked about. Yeah, I remember. Yeah. Suits you. You look beautiful. Thanks. So, you down here with Cal and the crew and... Cal and I split up. Split up. He's a great guy, but we probably should've never gotten married. I'm sorry. I guess now I know what you went through on your honeymoon. It's not easy being married when... you're in love with someone else. He's in the car, and I am dying for you to meet him! He's... Really? He's in the car? No! No. (LAUGHS) Ohh! Ha! Oooh. Aghhh! Funny. Got me. That's good. Very funny. Thank you. So, you are single. You're single? I am. I'm actually staying at the hotel, if you wanna grab a drink or something. I would love that. How... How about tonight, seven? Seven, I could do that. Yeah. I could do that. Cool. Great. Miranda! Come on, we're gonna miss the ceremony! I'm coming! Hey, Martin! Hello, asshole! Great to see you, too! So, I'll see you tonight. Yeah, I'll see you tonight. Eddie? Who was that? Oh, hey! Yeah, it's unbelievable. That was Gretchen Construbias. Who? Gretchen Construbias, the CEO of Da Huey? Da Huey Water Wear Sports. They're my biggest supplier. Yeah. She's in town for one night. She wants to have drinks at seven to discuss credit terms. Tonight? Yeah. Oh, but, honey, it's our first anniversary. I know, I know. But, Consuela, I'll be back by 9, so... Oh, OK. So we have a late dinner? Yes, perfect. Late dinner. That's good, cos there's stuff we should discuss. Oh. Good stuff or bad stuff? Well, I think, at first, you might flinch, but in the long run, great stuff. I love you, Eddie. Love, love. Love, love, love. Fuck me. Fuck me. Cock me. Oh, oh, oh! Yes, yes! Finally, yes, you're doing it! (SCREAMS) (SNORES) ABLE 2017