(TYRES SCREECHING) D'OH! (SCREAMS) Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 CHILDREN, YOUR GYM TEACHER, MS. POMMELHORST, HAS A BRIEF ANNOUNCEMENT. THIS IS VERY EMOTIONAL FOR ME. I'M TAKING A LEAVE OF ABSENCE. I WILL RETURN IN THE FALL AS MR. POMMELHORST, YOUR NEW SHOP TEACHER. WE'RE TELLING YOU CHILDREN NOW, SO YOU CAN ADJUST AND NOT MAKE JOKES. LOOKS LIKE THERE'LL BE SOME NEW WOOD IN SHOP CLASS! PRECISELY THE TYPE OF WORDPLAY I SEEK TO DISCOURAGE. (CHUCKLES) NEW WOOD. NOW, PLEASE WELCOME YOUR NEW GYM TEACHER: COACH KRUPT. TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME THAT'S AS OLD AS PAIN ITSELF: BOMBARDMENT. I'M INTRIGUED. WHAT ARE THE RULES? DUCK OR DIE! (KIDS GRUNTING) BOMBARDMENT-- DEAL WITH IT. BOMBARDMENT! BOMBARDMENT! BOMBARDMENT! WALK IT OFF. BOMBARDMENT! BOMBARDMENT! (GRUNTS, GLASSES CRACK) I CAUGHT IT-- I'M SAFE! (GRUNTS) SON, ARE YOU OKAY? UH, I GUESS. BOMBARDMENT! (GRUNTS) (MARGE HUMMING) (BLUBBERING) OH, SWEETIE, IF SOMEONE'S BULLYING YOU, YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR TEACHER. BUT IT'S THE TEACHER WHO'S BULLYING ME. WELL, TELL YOUR REGULAR BULLY. HE WON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT. MARGE, I RIPPED MY PANTS, THE ONLY PANTS THAT UNDERSTAND MY COMPLEX HEINIE. THAT WAS YOUR LAST PAIR. HOW DID IT HAPPEN? UH, NORMAL WEAR AND TEAR. (HOMER GIGGLING) OW! MY ASS! SIR, YOUR GO-CART'S DAMAGED! I PAID FOR 50 LAPS, AND I'M GOING TO TAKE THEM! (CRYING) OW! (SHOUTING) OH, I'LL HAVE TO GO TO EVERY STORE IN THE PANTS DISTRICT TO FIND ANOTHER PAIR LIKE THESE. AW, HOMIE. (JAZZY "FILM NOIR" MUSIC PLAYING) KISS RUBBER, LOSER! (GRUNTS) HEY! YOU CRY LIKE A LITTLE GIRL, AMY. (SCREAMS) OH, COME ON NOW; THOSE WERE JUST BABY TEETH. (SHOUTS) OH, HOW MUCH LONGER CAN THIS GO ON? (GRUNTS) I SEE YOU LIKE READING. HOW DO YOU LIKE BOMBARDMENT? BOMBARDMENT! BOMBARDMENT! (GRUNTS) BART: (MOCKINGLY): "BOMBARDMENT! BOMBARDMENT! HOW DO YOU LIKE BOMBARDMENT?" OOH, I'LL SHOW HIM. (GRUNTS) (CHUCKLES EVILLY) TIME FOR THE BOMBARDED TO BECOME THE BOMBARDIER. WHY DID I PUT THIS IN HERE? MY SAXOPHONE! (PLAYS NOTE) (GRUNTING) OH, YEAH, THAT'S WHY. (NOTES PLAYING) YOU'RE A JERK! I'M TELLING MOM. VAN HOUTEN. HERE, SIR. BUT MY DOCTOR SAYS NO MORE BOMBARDMENT. WELL, HERE'S A SECOND OPINION. (GRUNTS) MUNTZ. DO YOUR WORST; I'M DRUNK. WELL, WELCOME TO A.A.: ALWAYS ATTACKING. (GRUNTS) SIMPSON. SIMPSON! (SING-SONGY): HERE. BART'S GOT AN ICE BALL. WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, SIMPSON? YOU WILL DEFROST, DRAIN, AND SURRENDER THAT BALL. AND I WILL USE IT TO BOMBARD YOU. BOMBARDMENT! KID POWER! (KRUPT SHOUTS) (BALL WHISTLING THROUGH AIR) HMM? (GASPS) (SCREAMING) ME SHACK, IT'S RUINED! YOU RED RUBBER HOME WRECKER! OH. (HAMMERING) LISTEN, I'M REAL SORRY I BUSTED YOUR SHACK. LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU. I KNOW A RAVINE WHERE THERE'S A RUSTED-OUT CAR. DON'T BE TANTALISING ME WITH TALES OF RAVINES AND RUSTED-OUT CARS. I'LL ONLY BE GETTING ME HEART BROKE. (HORN HONKS) THAT'S MY MOM. I GOT TO GO. I FINISHED NAILING THIS BOARD. OH, YEAH, YOU'RE OUT OF NAILS. (THUNDER RUMBLING) (THUNDER RUMBLES) POOR WILLIE. (CALLING OUT) WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH US? I DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY, NOT AS LONG AS I'VE GOT A PAN OVER ME HEAD. THAT'S NOT A PAN, IT'S A COLANDER. AW, SO THAT'S WHERE ALL MY SOUP WENT. THANKS FOR TAKING ME IN, MISSUS. PLEASE ACCEPT THIS IN RETURN. IT'S ME MOST PRIZED POSSESSION. IT'S A SCULPTURE MADE OF CHILDREN'S LOST RETAINERS. UH, OOH, OOH, IT'S LOVELY. I LIKE THIS PART IN HERE, THE WAY IT, UM, IT GOES. (HUMMING) (GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING) WILLIE, I HOPE I'M NOT BEING TOO PERSONAL, BUT YOU SEEM RESIGNED TO A LIFE OF ABJECT SQUALOR. MY FAMILY IS USED TO IT. ME GRANDFATHER USED TO GET SENT DOWN INTO THE MINES TO MAKE SURE IT WAS SAFE FOR THE CANARIES. DON'T YOU EVER HOPE FOR ANYTHING BETTER? DON'T YOU EVER HOPE FOR ANYTHING BETTER? SOMETHING BETTER? FOR WILLIE? (TO "WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY"): # ALL I WANT IS A PLACE SOMEWHERE... # AND? THAT'S IT. MAYBE YOU COULD AIM A LITTLE HIGHER. WELL, LET'S SEE... # OH, TO HAVE ME SHACK REBUILT # GET MY ROTTEN TEETH ALL DRILL'T # SOMETHING ON UNDERNEATH ME KILT # OH, WOULDN'T IT BE ADEQUATE? # MATCHING SHOES FOR BOTH ME FEET # DINING ON UNTAINTED MEAT # A TOILET WHAT STILL HAS ITS SEAT # OH, WOULDN'T IT BE ADEQUATE? # ADEQUATE # ADEQUATE # ADEQUATE # ADEQUATE # WOULDN'T IT BE ADEQUATE? # (MUSIC ENDS) HMM? YOU'RE RIGHT, LISA. I DO WANT TO BETTER ME LOT, TO LIVE LIKE A NORMAL... HEY, THAT'S GREAT. GOOD NIGHT. BART, WILLIE COULD HAVE A BETTER LIFE, IF ONLY SOMEONE SHOWED HIM HOW. I BET I COULD TURN HIM INTO A PROPER GENTLEMAN. AND I WILL DO IT IN TIME FOR THE SCHOOL SCIENCE FAIR. YOU'RE ON, LIS. I THINK YOU'LL FIND THAT, DEEP DOWN, ANYONE CAN BE CIVILISED. GOOD NIGHT, WILLIE. GOOD NIGHT. (SNORING) (GRUMBLES) For as long as you remember, you've brushed all your teeth diligently. Mm-hm. Twice a day, right? Uh-huh. But 80% of your mouth's bacteria aren't even on your teeth. (MUFFLED) 80%? Shocking, isn't it? That's why you need Colgate Total. It fights bacteria on teeth, tongue, cheeks and gums. So 100% of your mouth's surfaces get protected every time you brush. Colgate Total - for whole mouth health. And for an even healthier mouth between brushings, try Colgate Total mouthwash. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. 4 WILLIE, IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS I'LL BE TEACHING YOU POISE, PRONUNCIATION AND POSTURE. LET'S SEE YOU STAND UP AS STRAIGHT AS YOU CAN. WELL, THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING. (GROANING; BONES CRACKING) ARGH! I'M TOO FAR OFF THE GROUND! LISA, COME UP HERE AND HELP ME DOWN! (PANICKED MOANS) SO, HOW'M I DOIN'? (SIGHS) (CAR RACING) MR. SIMPSON, I APPRECIATE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE OUR BIG BLUE TROUSERS, BUT I'M AFRAID WE JUST DON'T MAKE THEM ANYMORE. SALES PLUMMETED AFTER OUR DISASTROUS SUPER BOWL AD. TV ANNOUNCER: BIG BLUE PANTS. WHEN YOU NO LONGER CARE IF YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN. (HENRY MANCINI'S "BABY ELEPHANT WALK" PLAYS) (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) (GROANS) (SIGHS) MR. STERN, WOULD YOU MAKE THOSE GLORIOUS BLUE PANTS AGAIN IF I WHIPPED UP PUBLIC INTEREST FOR THEM? OF COURSE, BUT HOW? THROUGH AN ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN SO FRESH AND EXCITING, I HAVEN'T EVEN THOUGHT OF IT YET! WELL, WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE... BESIDES THE FACTORY THAT'S BEEN IN MY FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS? HOW LONG IS THIS COMMERCIAL, ANYWAY? I DON'T KNOW, I'VE, UH... NEVER MADE IT TO THE END. (HAMMERING) OKAY. HOW DO YOU ADDRESS AN ARCHBISHOP? I'LL KILL YA! I'LL KILL YA FOR WHAT YA DONE TO ME! (SIGHS) LISA, YOU'RE A SWEET LASS, BUT IT'S HOPELESS. LIKE ME DAD TOLD ME... YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! YOU WERE BORN TRASH, AND YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF YOU GROW UP TO BE GARBAGE! (COOING WITH A BROGUE) WOULD YOU LIKE TO CUT THE CORD? LET HIM CUT IT HIMSELF-- IT'S TIME HE LEARNED LIFE AIN'T ONE BIG PARTY! (SOBBING) THAT WAS THE LAST TIME WE REALLY TALKED. (SOBBING) WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING IN THERE? LISA BET BART SHE CAN TURN WILLIE INTO A PROPER GENTLEMAN. (SCOFFS) THAT'S AS UNLIKELY AS KEARNEY GOING AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS. EIGHTY DAYS... AMPLE TIME TO CIRCUMNAVIGATE THE GLOBE, BOOGER BREATH. YOU, SIR, HAVE A WAGER! I SHALL HOLD THE MONEY! TO ISTANBUL! WRONG WAY, DINGUS! (MARGE AND HOMER KISSING) OH! (GIGGLES) (GASPS) HOMIE, WHAT'S THAT? HUH? ON THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD. IT'S CALLED "HEADVERTISING." IT CREATES BRAND AWARENESS WITHOUT RELYING ON TRADITIONAL MEDIA. IT CREATES BRAND AWARENESS WITHOUT RELYING ON TRADITIONAL MEDIA. WELL, IT CREEPS ME OUT. WOW... IT GLOWS IN THE DARK. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO. (SIGHS) ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST TRY ONE MORE LESSON. REPEAT AFTER ME: "WHAT FLOWS FROM THE NOSE DOES NOT GO ON THE CLOTHES." (SLIGHTLY BETTER DICTION) WHAT FLOWS FROM ME NOSE... OH, IT'S NO USE! I'M NOT VERY CULTURED. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A LAST NAME! CARE TO CONCEDE THAT BET? NO. COME ON, WILLIE, I BELIEVE IN YOU. UGH. (WITH PERFECT DICTION) WHAT FLOWS FROM THE NOSE DOES NOT GO ON MY CLOTHES. SAY IT AGAIN! (MELODY FROM "THE RAIN IN SPAIN" BEGINS) # WHAT FLOWS FROM THE NOSE # DOES NOT GO ON # MY CLOTHES (HOWLS) # I THINK HE'S GOT IT # OH, YES, HE'S GOT IT # WHAT FLOWS FROM THE NOSE # DOES NOT GO ON MY CLOTHES (SHRIEKS) A TALKING MIRROR! # WHERE IS THAT GHASTLY FLOW? # THE NOSE # THE NOSE! # AND WHERE SHOULD IT NOT GO? # BLUE PANTS # BLUE PANTS! (SONG STOPS) DAD! GET YOUR OWN SONG. FINE. (SINGING A CAPPELLA): # I'M GETTING BLUE PANTS IN THE MORNING # DING DONG, THE ZIPPER'S GONNA SHINE... GEE, HOMER, IF THOSE BLUE PANTS MEAN THAT MUCH TO YOU, THEY MUST BE THE GREATEST. I'M GETTING TWO PAIR TODAY! I DON'T GET THIS. THIS GUY PAINTS HIS NOGGIN, AND YOU GUYS ARE READY TO BUY PANTS. MEANWHILE, I BEEN PAYING FOR THAT BILLBOARD OUTSIDE FOR A YEAR NOW, AND IT'S NOT YIELDIN' NOTHIN'! MOE (RECORDED VOICE): YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT ME. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT ME. WELL, HE DOES HAVE BILLBOARD MONEY. TALKING BILLBOARD MONEY. (ANGUISHED SOUNDS; ELECTRICAL ZAPPING) EW... BUT HE MIGHT BE RIGHT FOR MY FRIEND. (CHAMBER ORCHESTRA PLAYS "TALES OF THE VIENNA WOODS") BEHOLD-- THE FIRST MACHINE THAT ACCURATELY MEASURES SURPRISE! REALLY? HUH. (BEEPING) (CLEARS THROAT) MISS LISA SIMPSON. MASTER BART SIMPSON. (WHISPERING) AND MISTER G. K. WILLINGTON, ESQUIRE. (CROWD MURMURING) I HAVE THE STRANGEST FEELING I'VE MET HIM BEFORE. AND YOU MAY MEET HIM AGAIN-- AS YOUR NEW FATHER! HUBBA, HUBBA, MOMMY LIKE! IF YOU ASK ME, THE ROYAL SHAKESPEARE COMPANY'S LATEST SEASON WAS MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. (LAUGHTER) HA! I GET THAT REFERENCE. AND YOU CAN GET ME ANY TIME YOU WANT, HANDSOME. YOU'RE A SMASH, G.K.! IT FEELS SO SUBLIME. I FEEL LIKE I... # COULD BE INDOORS ALL NIGHT # COULD USE A FORK AND KNIFE # AND NEVER SOIL MY SUIT # I COULD BE SO POLITE # START NOT A SINGLE FIGHT # AND STILL NOT FEEL LIKE A FRUIT # HOW VERY NICE THAT THERE'S NO LICE # IN MY HAIR # AND MY TOENAILS I DON'T BITE # NOW THAT I'VE # REACHED THE STAGE # WHERE I'M NOT FULL OF RAGE # I COULD BE INDOORS # INDOORS, ALL NIGHT! # (APPLAUSE) (SKINNER CLEARS THROAT) SKINNER: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNER OF THE SCIENCE FAIR. THOUGH I MUST NOTE, I'M SURPRISED LISA SIMPSON DIDN'T ENTER A PROJECT THIS YEAR! THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, PRINCIPAL SKINNER. I DID ENTER A PROJECT, AND IT'S BEEN IN PLAIN SIGHT THE ENTIRE EVENING! (CROWD GASPS) (BEEPING) MR. G.K. WILLINGTON IS NOT WHO HE SEEMS. IN FACT, HE'S SOMEONE YOU ALL KNOW QUITE WELL. IS IT ME? I GIVE YOU GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE! WELL, MOTHER, AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU DIDN'T GET MORE INTIMATE WITH HIM? WHO SAID I DIDN'T? You're retired, so these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. You work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. 4 HMM... MAYBE THERE'S ROOM ON MY SPORTS WALL. (GIGGLES) NOW YOU HAVE A FRIEND. GOOD MORNING, LISA. WHAT'S THE LESSON FOR TODAY? HOW TO SMOKE A PIPE WHILE SUMMONING A FALCON? PUT THE KETTLE ON, FEATHERBEE. I'LL BE HOME SOON. (FALCON SQUAWKS) WILLIE, THERE ARE NO MORE LESSONS. YOU'RE A PROPER GENTLEMAN, MY WORK IS DONE. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. ALL I'VE EVER BEEN IS A GROUNDSKEEPER. AND THAT JOB'S TAKEN. SKINNER DUMPED IT ON THE NEXT-LOWEST GUY ON THE TOTEM POLE. OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKES! HOW DID I GET UP HERE?! I THINK THIS IS THE PERFECT JOB FOR THE NEW YOU, WILLIE. IT REQUIRES SOPHISTICATION, TACT, AND YOU GET TO MEET THE HIGHEST CLASS OF PEOPLE. GOOD EVENING, SIR. I'M YOUR MAITRE D'. OH, WHAT'S THE "D" FOR? DIMWIT? (LAUGHS) LAUGH, JERK! (CHUCKLES) I DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY TITTERS. NOW, SAY HELLO TO MY GIRLFRIEND, CHARITY TITTERS. RIGHT THIS WAY, MA'AM. OH, THANK YOU. NO! NOT NOW! NOT NOW! WAIT TILL WE GET TO THE BOOTH. (MARGE AND HOMER KISSING) I'M SO GLAD YOU WASHED THAT STUPID LOGO OFF YOUR HEAD. WELL, IT DID ITS JOB. EVERYONE'S WEARING BLUE PANTS NOW. AY! EL HOMBRE INVISIBLE LLEVA PANTALONES AZULES! HMM. (TURNS OFF TV) I'D LIKE TO GET INTO SOME BLUE PANTS RIGHT NOW. (GASPS) WHAT ARE THOSE DOING THERE? EARNING US A HUNDRED BUCKS A WEEK, THAT'S WHAT. UH, EXCEPT THE MAINE POTATOES ONE. IT'S JUST A REMINDER TO MYSELF. OH... HEY, MAITRE D'! MAY I HELP YOU, SIR? THESE ROLLS ARE STALE! BOMBARDMENT! BRING ME SOME MORE! BOMBARDMENT! AND, UH, SOME ICED TEA FOR THE LADY, PLEASE. BOMBARDMENT! (SIGHS) # I'VE A FANCY SUIT # AND A CLEAN WHITE SHIRT # BUT I MISS THE DAYS WHEN TRACTOR FUMES # BLEW UP MY SKIRT # I WAS FREEZING COLD # AND I SLEPT IN MOULD # BUT I LONG FOR THE SHACK WHERE I LIVED # SHE WAS TRUE TO ME # MY OLD HOME OF WOOD # AND WHEN I PASSED OUT DRUNK FROM TURPENTINE # SHE UNDERSTOOD (SNORING) # LIFE WAS SO SUBLIME... # WELL BOO-HOO # 'CAUSE I'M # HANGING FERNS IN THE SHACK # WHERE YOU LIVED! # IF I HAD YOUR VOICE, I'D TALK-SING EVERYTHING. SO, HOW YOU DOING, WILLIE? I'M EBULLIENT! I'M BUBBLING WITH GLEE! I'M... BLOODY MISERABLE! I MISS ME CRAP SHACK! (SOBBING) HEY, THAT'S MY TABLE. AMSCRAY! SIR, THERE ARE MANY OTHER TABLES AVAILABLE. NONE THAT HAS A VIEW OF THE YOGA STUDIO. YEAH, BABY. GREET THE SUN. DOWNWARD DOG. (BARKING) SIR, THERE IS A CHILD PRESENT. HEY, WHEN I'M OFF THE CLOCK, KIDS CAN JUMP IN THE LAKE. NOW GET OUT OF MY BOOTH, DUCHESS OF CORNBALL. VERY WELL, SIR. BUT MY NAME IS WILLIE! NOW, MAY I SHOW YOU THE DESSERT TRAY?! DESSERT TRAY, THAT'S A GREAT GAG. CAN I USE IT? I'M TAKING IT ANYWAY! SKINNER: IT IS WITH GREAT JOY AND A SENSE OF, ONCE AGAIN, EVERYTHING IS BACK TO WHERE IT STARTED, THAT WE WELCOME OUR ONCE AND FUTURE GROUNDSKEEPER, WILLIE! (CHEERING) NOW LET'S ALL ENJOY SOME PUNCH AND COOKIES. WILLIE, YOU CAN START CLEANING UP NOW. WILLIE, YOU CAN START CLEANING UP NOW. WITH PLEASURE! # HEAVEN # I'M IN HEAVEN... # WILLIE, PLEASE EXPRESS YOURSELF THROUGH MOPPING. WILLIE, PLEASE EXPRESS YOURSELF THROUGH MOPPING. ALL RIGHT. AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE, HERE ARE THE KEYS TO YOUR NEW SHACK. (SIGHS) IT'S JUST LIKE I REMEMBER. WITH ONE LITTLE DIFFERENCE. AW, YOU MADE THAT FOR ME? (SOBS) I THINK I'LL NEED A MOMENT ALONE. I UNDERSTAND. (DOOR CLOSES) I LIKED IT THE WAY IT WAS! (GLASS BREAKING) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 SHH!