* (WOMAN GASPS) Do you find me sadistic? You know, Kiddo,... I'd like to believe you're aware enough even now to know that there's nothing sadistic in my actions. At this moment,... ..this is me at my most masochistic. Bill? It's your baby. (GUNSHOT) 'Looked dead, didn't I?' Well, I wasn't. But it wasn't from lack of trying, I can tell you that. Actually, Bill's last bullet put me in a coma. A coma I was to lie in for four years. When I woke up, I went on what the movie advertisements refer to as "a roaring rampage of revenge". I roared and I rampaged and I got bloody satisfaction. I've killed a hell of a lot of people to get to this point. But I have only one more. The last one. The one I'm driving to right now. The only one left. And when I arrive at my destination, I am gonna kill Bill. 'Now, the incident that happened at the Two Pines Wedding Chapel that put this whole gory story into motion has since become legend. "Massacre at Two Pines", that's what the newspapers called it.' 'The local TV news called it "The El Paso, Texas, Wedding Chapel Massacre".' 'How it happened, who was there, how many got killed and who killed them changes depending on who's telling the story.' 'In actual fact, the massacre didn't happen during a wedding at all.' 'It was a wedding rehearsal.' Now, when we come to the part where I say, "You may kiss the bride," you may kiss the bride. But don't stick your tongue in her mouth. (LAUGHTER) This might be funny to your friends, but it would be embarrassing to your parents. (LAUGHTER) We'll try to restrain ourselves, Reverend. Y'all got a song? How about "Love Me Tender"? I can play that. Sure. "Love Me Tender" would be great. Rufus, he's the man. Rufus, who was that you used to play for? Rufus Thomas. Rufus Thomas? Rufus Thomas. I was a Drell. I was a Drifter. I was a Coaster. I was part of the Gang. I was a Bar-Kay. If they come through Texas, I done played with 'em. Rufus,... he's the man. Have I forgotten anything? Erm... Oh, yes, you forgot the seating arrangements. Thank you, Mother. Yes. Now, the way we normally do this, we have the bride's side and then we have the groom's side. But since the bride ain't got nobody coming and the groom's got far too many people coming... They're coming all the way from Oklahoma. (LAUGHTER) Right. Well, I don't see no problem with the groom's side sharing the bride's side. Do you, Mother? I don't have a problem with that. But, honey, you know, it would be good if you had somebody come. You know, as a sign of good faith. Well, I don't have anybody except for Tommy and my friends. You have no family? I'm working on changing that. Mrs Harmony, we're all the family this little angel's ever gonna need. I'm not feeling very well and this bitch is starting to piss me off. So while you blather on, I'm going outside to get some air. OK. Reverend, sorry. She's gonna get some air. Yeah. Given her delicate condition. She's just needs a few minutes. She'll be OK. Right. (FLUTE MUSIC) Hello, Kiddo. How did you find me? I'm the man. What are you doing here? What am I doing? Well,... a moment ago, I was playing my flute. At this moment,... ..I'm looking at the most beautiful bride these old eyes have ever seen. Why are you here? Last look. Are you gonna be nice? I've never been nice in my whole life. But I'll do my best to be sweet. Hmm. I always told you... ..your sweet side is your best side. I guess that's why you're the only one who's ever seen it. So you got a bun in the oven? Hmm. I'm knocked up. Jeez, Louise! That young man of yours sure doesn't believe in wasting time, does he? Have you seen Tommy? Big guy in the tux? Yes. Then I saw him. I liked his hair. You promised you'd be nice. No, I said I'd do my best. That's hardly a promise. But you're right. What does your young man do for a living? He owns a used-record store here in El Paso. Ah. Music lover, eh? He's fond of music. Aren't we all? And what are you doing for a J-O-B these days? I work in the record store. Ah-so. (LAUGHS) It all suddenly seems so clear. Do you like it? Yeah, I like it a lot, smartass. I get to listen to music all day, talk about music all day. It's really cool. It's gonna be a great environment for my little girl to grow up in. As opposed to jetting around the world, killing human beings, and being paid vast sums of money? Precisely. Well, my old friend, to each his own. However,... all cockblockery aside, I am looking forward to meeting your young man. I happen to be more or less particular who my gal marries. You want to come to the wedding? Only if I can sit on the bride's side. You'll find it a bit lonely on my side. Your side always was a bit lonely. But I wouldn't sit anywhere else. You know,... I had the loveliest dream about you. Oh, here's Tommy. Call me Arlene. You must be Tommy. Uh-huh. Arlene's told me so much about you. Honey, you OK? Oh, I'm fine. Tommy, I'd like you to meet my father. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! Oh, my God, this is great. I'm so glad to meet you, sir. Oh,... Dad. The name's Bill. Well, it's great to meet you, Bill. Arlene said you couldn't make it. Surprise. That's my pop for you. Always full of surprises. Well, in the surprise department, (LAUGHS) the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. (LAUGHS) When did you get in? Just now. Did you come straight from Australia? Of course. Daddy, I told Tommy you were in Perth mining for silver and no-one could reach you. (LAUGHS) Lucky for us all, that's not the case. So,... what's this all about? I've heard of wedding rehearsals, but I don't believe I've ever heard of a wedding dress rehearsal before. We thought why pay so much money for a dress you'll only wear once? Especially when Arlene looks so goddamn beautiful in it. So, I think we're gonna try to get all the mileage we can out of it. Isn't it supposed to be bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress before the ceremony? Well, I guess I just believe in living dangerously. I know just what you mean. Son? Some of us have places to be. Sure do. Look, we got to go through this one more time. So, why don't you have a seat... Oh, my God! What am I thinking? You should give her away. Tommy, that's not exactly Daddy's cup of tea. I think Father would be much more comfortable sitting with the rest of the guests. Oh. Really? That's asking a lot. Well, OK. Forget it. But how about we go out to dinner tonight? Only on the condition that I pay for everything. Deal. We got to do this now. Can I watch? Absolutely. Have a seat. Which is the bride's side? Right over here. Mother, here we go. Now, son, about them vows. Listen to me. Bill,... I just wanted... You don't owe me a damn thing. If he's the man you want,... then go stand by him. Do I look pretty? Oh, yes. Thank you. Oh, good. Now, son, about them vows of yours. (CICADAS CHIRRUP) What the hell?! (SCREAMING) No! Bill! (GUNFIRE) (GUNFIRE STOPS / DOG BARKS) (BELL TOLLS) (DOG HOWLS) (BELL TOLLS) (BIRD CHIRPS) Are you telling me she cut her way through 88 bodyguards before she got to O-Ren? No, there wasn't really 88 of 'em. They just call themselves The Crazy 88. How come? I don't know. I guess they thought it sounded cool. (LAUGHS) Anyhow, they all fell under her Hanzo sword. She's got a Hanzo sword? He made one for her. Didn't he swear a blood oath to never make another sword? It would appear he has broken it. Them Japs sure know how to hold a grudge, don't they? (LAUGHS) Or maybe you just tend to bring that out in people. I know this is a ridiculous question before I ask it, but you haven't, by any chance, kept up with your... swordplay? I, er... I pawned that years ago. You hocked a Hattori Hanzo sword?! Yep. It was priceless. (LAUGHS) Well, not in El Paso, it ain't. (LAUGHS) In El Paso, I got me $250 for it. I'm a bouncer in a titty bar, Bill. (SIGHS) If she wants to fight me, all she's gotta do is come to the club, start some shit and we'll be in a fight. I know we haven't spoken in... in some time, and the last time we spoke wasn't the most pleasant, but you've got to get over being mad at me and start becoming afraid of (BEEP), because she is coming and she's coming to kill you. And unless you accept my assistance, I have no doubt she will succeed. I don't dodge guilt and I don't Jew out of paying my comeuppance. Can't we just... forget the past? That woman... deserves her revenge. And... we deserve to die. (LAUGHS) But, then again,... so does she. So, I guess... we'll just see,... ..won't we? (WOMAN SINGS IN SPANISH) Late again. Budd, can't you tell time? There ain't nobody in here, man. Is that Budd? Yeah! Tell him to get his fucking arse back here! OK. Budd, Larry'd like a word with ya. (CLEARS THROAT) (SNORTS) Take a hit. Be somebody, baby. You looking for me? I don't know what car wash you worked before you came here that let you stroll in 20 minutes late, but it wasn't owned by me, and I own a fucking car wash. Do you want me to leave? No, I want you to sit and wait. Larry, there ain't nobody out there, so... "There's nobody out there, Larry." What's your point? That you're not needed here? My point is,... I'm the bouncer and there ain't nobody out there to bounce. You're saying that the reason that you're not doing the job that I'm paying you to do is that you don't have a job to do? No. Is that what you're saying? What are you trying to convince me of? That you're as useless as an arsehole right here? Well, guess what, Buddy? I think you just fucking convinced me. Let's go to the calendar. It's calendar time! Calendar time for Buddy. OK, you working tomorrow? Yeah. No, you're not. (LAUGHS) You don't know what fucking day you work! You're working Wednesday. Here you are. There you go. Working Thursday? Yeah. I don't think so. Friday? There's your name. If you say so. There used to be your name. OK? Saturday? There used to be your name. (SIGHS) Monday? You're gonna... Here, how about that? Fucking with your cash is the only thing you kids seem to understand. OK? Now, I want you to go home till I call you. Till I call you. Before you leave, talk to Rocket. She's got a job for you to do. And... ..the hat. That fucking hat. That... fucking hat! How many times have I told you? Don't wear that fucking hat here. How many? (CHUCKLES) The customers wear hats. I'm not the boss of the customers. I'm the boss of you. And I'm telling you, I want you to keep that shit-kicker hat at home. (LIGHTER CLICKS) Yeah, Budd, honey, the toilet is at it again. There's shitty water all over the floor. OK,... Rocket. I'll clean it up. Uh-huh. # "A Satisfied Mind" - Johnny Cash # How many times have you heard someone say # If I had his money I could do things my way # But little they know that it's so hard to find # One rich man in ten with a satisfied mind # Once I was winning in fortune and fame # Everything that I'd dreamed for to get a start in life's game # Then suddenly it happened, I lost every dime # But I'm richer by far... (DOGS GROWL) (NEEDLE SCRAPES OFF RECORD) (NEEDLE DROPS) # How many times have you heard someone say (GROANS) # That it's so hard to find # One rich man in ten (LAUGHS) # With a satisfied mind (LAUGHS) # Once I was winning... # (NEEDLE LIFTS) Well, that gentled you down some, didn't it? Yep. Ain't nobody a bad-arse with a double dose of rock salt dug deep in their tits. (COUGHS) Not having tits... ..as fine or as big as yours,... ..I can't even imagine how bad that shit must sting. (COUGHS) Yeah. I don't want to neither. (GASPS) (PANTS / COUGHS) (LAUGHS) I win. (COUGHS) (COUGHS / GROANS) (GROANS) (PHONE RINGS) Bill? Wrong brother, you hateful bitch. Budd. "Bingo." And to what do I owe this dubious pleasure? I just caught me the cowgirl that ain't never been caught. "Did you kill her?" Well, not yet, I ain't. "But I shot her full of rock salt." "She's so gentle right now, I could perform her coup de grace with a rock." Anywho,... ..guess what I'm holding in my hand right now. What? "A brand-spanking-new Hattori Hanzo sword." And I'm here to tell you, Elle,... that's what I call sharp. How much? Oh, that's hard to say, being that it's priceless and all. What's the terms? You get your bony arse down here first thing in the morning with a million dollars in folding cash, ..and I'll give you the greatest sword ever made by a man. "How do you like the sound of that?" Sounds like we got a deal. One condition. What? She must suffer to her last breath. (LAUGHS) Well, that, Elle darling,... ..I can pretty much damn well guarantee. Then I'll see you in the morning, millionaire. Alright. 'I don't wanna throw the sea away. 'I mean, you've gotta keep it; it's of some use.' 1 THINKS: 'I blame the ocean. That's what divides us as people. 'I mean, if we drained all the sea from the planet, then we'd be connected. RADIO PLAYS IN CAR 'I have two PhDs. Should I go for a third? 'I don't wanna throw the sea away. 'I mean, you've gotta keep it; it's of some use.' CAR HONKS 'Maybe up in space, in a bowl. 'Of course, we'd have to house all the animals. 'Meanwhile, down on Earth, all those shipwrecks could become playgrounds for kids; kids of all nations!' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY * (CICADAS CHIRRUP) (RADIO PLAYS SOFTLY) (SHUFFLING) (COUGHS) (COUGHS) (METAL CLANGS) (CHUCKLES) Wakey-wakey. Eggs and bakey. (GROANS) I'm done! Get me out of this hole! (SIGHS) Whoa, look at those eyes. This bitch is furious. (CHUCKLES) What did I tell ya? (CLEARS THROAT) Is she the cutest little blonde pussy you ever saw? (LAUGHS) Or is she the cutest little blonde pussy you ever saw? I seen better. You got anything to say? White women call this "the silent treatment". And we let 'em think we don't like it. (LAUGHS) You grab the feet, I'll get the head. (BELCHES) (GROANS) Hey. Hey. Hey! (GASPS) Wiggle worm. You see this? You see it, don't ya? That's a can of Mace. Now, you're going underneath the ground tonight. And... that's all there is to it. I wanna bury ya. I was gonna bury you... ..(LAUGHS) with this. (PANTS) But if you're gonna act like a horse's arse,... ..I'm gonna spray this whole goddamn can right in your eyeballs! I'll burn 'em right out of your fucking head! Then you're gonna be blind and burning... ..and buried alive. Now, what's it gonna be, sister? That's a wise decision. (GASPS / PANTS) This is for breaking my brother's heart. (SOBS) (GASPS / PANTS) (SOBS) (RUMBLING) (GASPS FRANTICALLY) (RUMBLING) (GASPS) (CREAKING) (THUD / GASPS) (SOIL CRASHES ON COFFIN) (GASPS) (CRASH / SOBS) (CRASHING AND SOBBING CONTINUES) (WHIMPERS) (YELLS) (SOBS) (YELLS) (WHIMPERS / SOBS) (PANTS) (GRUNTS) (YELLS) (PANTS) (ENGINE REVS) (GASPS) (SOBS) (CRACKLING) (FLUTE MUSIC) Once upon a time in China,... ..some believe around the year 1003,... ..head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei, was walking down a road contemplating whatever it is that a man of Pai Mei's infinite powers would contemplate, which is another way of saying, "Who knows?",... ..when a Shaolin monk appeared on the road travelling in the opposite direction. As the monk and the priest crossed paths, Pai Mei, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the monk the slightest of nods. The nod... was not returned. Now, was it the intention of the Shaolin monk to insult Pai Mei? Or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the monk remain unknown. What is known were the consequences. (PLAYS FLUTE) The next morning, Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin temple... ..and demanded of the temple's head abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The abbot at first tried to console Pai Mei, only to find Pai Mei was... inconsolable. (PLAYS FLUTE) So began... the Massacre of the Shaolin Temple and all 60 of the monks inside at the fists of the White Lotus. And so began the legend of Pai Mei's Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. What, pray tell, is the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique? Quite simply, the deadliest blow in all of martial arts. He hits you with his fingertips at five different pressure points on your body and then... lets you walk away. But once you've taken five steps, your heart explodes inside your body and you fall to the floor, dead. Did he teach you that? No. He teaches no-one the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. Now,...one of the things I've always liked about you, Kiddo,... ..is you appear wise beyond your years. So allow me to impart a word to the wise. Whatever... Whatever Pai Mei says, obey. If you flash him, even for an instant, a defiant eye, he'll pluck it out. And if you throw any American sass his way, he'll snap your back and your neck like they were twigs. And that will be the story of you. (PLAYS FLUTE) He'll accept you as his student. What happened to you? Nothing. Get in a fight? A friendly contest. Why did he accept me? Because he's a very, very, very old man. And like all rotten bastards, when they become old, they get lonely,... ..which has no effect on their dispositions, but it does teach them the value of company. (SIGHS) Whoa! (SIGHS) Just seeing those steps again makes me ache. (LAUGHS) You're gonna have a lot of fun carrying buckets of water up and down that fucker. When will I see you again? That's the title of my favourite soul song of the '70s. What? Nothing. When he tells me you're done. When do you think that might be? That, my dearest, depends entirely on you. Now remember, no sarcasm, no backtalk. At least not for the first year or so. You're gonna have to let him warm up to you a little. He hates Caucasians, despises Americans, and has nothing but contempt for women. (LAUGHS) So in your case,... it might take a little while. Adios. (WOMAN GASPS) * (CICADAS CHIRRUP) (BIRDS TWITTER) (SIGHS) A little. Yes, he is. I am proficient in Tiger Crane Style. And I am more than proficient in the exquisite art of the Samurai sword. (SNORTS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Hai. Argh! (GASPS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Argh! (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) No, please, don't! (LAUGHS) Argh! Yes! (WOMAN GASPS) * (GROANS) (SNORTS) (SNORTS) (GRUNTS) (SNORTS) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Hmm. (SHOUTING CONTINUES / THUNDER) (SIGHS) (GASPS) (LAUGHS) (CICADAS CHIRRUP) (SIGHS) Come on, you bitch! (GASPS) OK, Pai Mei. Here I come. Ha! Ha! Ha! (RUMBLING) (GASPS) (GASPS) (GROANS) (GASPS) (PANTS) (GASPS) (PANTS) May I have a glass of water, please? * (TYRES SCREECH) So that's a Texas funeral? Yep. I have to give it to ya, Budd, that's a pretty fucked-up way to die. What's the name on the grave she's buried under? Paula... ..Schultz. Can I look at the sword? That's my money right there in that red bag, isn't it? It sure is. Well, then, it's your sword now. (WHIRRING) So this is a Hattori Hanzo sword. What's that you said? So this is a Hattori Hanzo sword. That's a Hanzo sword alright. Bill tells me you once had one of these of your own. Once. How does this one compare to that? If you're gonna compare a Hanzo sword,... ..you compare it to every other sword ever made that wasn't made... by Hattori Hanzo. (SNIFFS / CLEARS THROAT) Here you go. Wrap your lips around that. (SIGHS) So,... which R are you filled with? What? They say the number-one killer of old people is retirement. People got a job to do, they tend to live a little bit longer so they can do it. I've always figured that warriors and their enemies share the same relationship. So now you're not gonna have to face your enemy on the battlefield, which R are you filled with? Relief? Or regret? A little bit of both. Horseshit. I'm sure you do feel a little bit of both. But I know damn well you feel one more than you feel the other. And the question was, which one is it? Regret. You know, you gotta hand it to the old girl, I never saw anybody buffalo Bill the way she buffaloed Bill. Bill thought she was so damn smart. And I tried to tell him,... she was just smart for a blonde. (CASE THUDS) (LAUGHS) Thanks a bunch. (CLEARS THROAT) (HISSING) (SCREAMS) (GASPS) Argh! Hmm. I'm sorry, Budd. That was rude of me, wasn't it? Budd, I'd like to introduce my friend, the black mamba. Black mamba, this is Budd. Before I picked that little fella up, I looked him up on the Internet. (GROANS) Fascinating creature the black mamba. Listen to this. (GROANS) "In Africa, the saying goes, in the bush, an elephant can kill you, a leopard can kill you, and a black mamba can kill you." "But only with the mamba, and this has always been true in Africa since the dawn of time, is death sure." "Hence its handle, death incarnate." Pretty cool, huh? "Its neurotoxic venom is one of nature's most effective poisons, acting on the nervous system, causing paralysis." "The venom of a black mamba can kill a human being in four hours, if, say, bitten on the ankle or the thumb." "However, a bite to the face or torso can bring death from paralysis within 20 minutes." Now you should listen to this, cos this concerns you. "The amount of venom that can be delivered from a single bite can be gargantuan." You know, I've always liked that word "gargantuan". I so rarely have an opportunity to use it in a sentence. (GROANS) "If not treated quickly with antivenin, 10-15mg can be fatal to human beings." "However, the black mamba can deliver as much as 100-400mg of venom from a single bite." Jesus! Now, in these last agonising minutes of life you have left, let me answer that question you asked earlier more thoroughly. Right at this moment, the biggest R I feel is regret. (GROANS) Regret that maybe the greatest warrior I have ever met met her end at the hands of a bushwhacking scrub alkie piece of shit like you. (SIGHS) That woman deserved better. (GROANS) (WOMAN GASPS) * (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Bill. I have some tragic news. Your brother's dead. I'm so sorry, baby. She put a black mamba in his camper. I got her, sweetheart. She's dead. Let me put it this way. You ever start feeling sentimental, go to Barstow, California. When you get here, walk into a florist's and buy some flowers. Take those flowers to Huntington Cemetery on Fuller and Guadalupe, look for the headstone marked Paula Schultz and lay them on the grave, cos you'll be standing at the final resting place of Beatrix Kiddo. (BELL) Marty Kistrosser? Here. Melanie Harrhouse? Here. Beatrix Kiddo. Here. Look, I could be there in about four hours. Do you want me to come over? No, no, no. You need me, baby, I'm there. OK, I'm leaving now. You go smoke some pot or somethin'. I'll be there soon. (GROANS) Argh! (BOTH GROAN) (PANTS) Urgh! Urgh! Gross! (YELLS) (GASPS) Argh! (GASPS) Hiyaa! (GROANS) (PANTS) "To my brother Budd. The only man I ever loved - Bill." What's that? Budd's Hanzo sword. He said he pawned it. Guess that makes him a liar now, don't it? Elle? B? Something I've always been curious about, just 'tween us girls,... ..what did you say to Pai Mei to make him snatch out your eye? (SCREAMS) I called him a miserable old fool. Ooh! Bad idea. Know what I did? I killed that miserable old fool. (GROANS) How do you like the fish head, you miserable old fool? 'I poisoned his fish heads.' (ELLE LAUGHS) And I told him, "To me, the word of an old fool like you is worth less than nothing." (LAUGHS) That's right, I killed your master. And now, I'm gonna kill you, too, with your own sword, no less, which, in the very immediate future, will become my sword. Bitch,... you don't have a future. (YELLS) (SCREAMS) Fucking bitch! (SCREAMS) Fucking bitch! (SCREAMS) Fucking bitch! I'll kill you! You're fucking dead! My eye! You bitch! You bitch! (SCREAMS) I'll fucking kill you, you bitch! (HISSING) You fucking bitch! I'll get you! I'll get you! I'll kill you! (SCREAMS) Where are you? Let me fucking at you! (SCREAMS) Where are you? I'm coming, you fucking bitch! You're fucking dead! You're dead! You fucking...! (WAILS) Oh, dead! You're retired, so these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. You work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: * (BIRDS TWITTER) 'Like most men who never knew their father, Bill collected father figures.' 'The first was Esteban Vihaio.' 'Esteban was a pimp and a friend of Bill's mother.' 'He ran a brothel in Acuna, Mexico, for over 50 years.' 'His army, the Acuna Boys, made up of the fatherless offspring of his whores, ran Acuna.' 'He ran the Acuna Boys.' 'Now at the age of 80, it would be this retired gentleman of leisure who could point me in Bill's direction.' Senor Esteban Vihaio? Yes. May I join you? Only on the condition that you call me Esteban. May I join you, Esteban? Please. Americana, huh? Yes. I speak a little Spanish if you prefer. No, no, no. I prefer English. I haven't spoken it in a while. But I would relish the opportunity to converse with such a pretty companion as yourself. It's my pleasure to be in the company of such a fine gentleman as yourself. I must warn you, young lady,... I am susceptible to flattery. How may I be of service to you? Where's Bill? Ah,... you must be Beatrix. I can see the attraction. I remember when Bill was only five years old, I took him to the movies. It was a movie starring Lana Turner. "The Postman Always Rings Twice", with John Garfield. And whenever she would appear on the screen, Bill would begin compulsively to suck his thumb to an obscene amount. I knew from this very moment this boy was a fool for blondes. Hmm. You know, being a fool for a woman such as yourself is always the right thing to do. If we had met when I was back in business, you would have been my number-one lady. Well, I'm flattered. You goddamn well better be. This? I heard you were driving a truck. My pussy wagon died on me. (TUTS) The pussy died. Hmm. Bill shot you in the head, no? Yes. Hmm. I would have been much nicer. I would have just cut your face. You must forgive me. Please. You have a drink with me. Clarita. (BLOWS KISSES) Coming. (SPEAKS SPANISH) (SPEAKS SPANISH) What were we talking about? Bill. Where's Bill? Where's Bill? Yeah. Hmm. Bill is at the Villa Quatro on the road to Salina. I will draw you a map. Bill is like a son to me. Do you know why I help you? No. Because he would want me to. Now, that I don't believe. Ah! How else is he ever going to see you again? Freeze, Mommy. (CHAMBER CLICKS) Bang-bang! Oh! She got us, BB. Mommy got us. I'm dying! (MOANS) I'm dying! I'm dying. (GROANS) Fall down, sweetheart. She shot us. But little did Quick-Draw Kiddo know that little BB was only playing possum, due to the fact that she was impervious to bullets. I'm impervious to bullets, Mommy. Hey, get back down there. You're playing possum. So, as the smirking killer advanced on what she thought was a bullet-ridden corpse, that's when little BB fired. Bang-bang! You're dead, Mommy, so... die. Oh...! BB. Oh,... BB! (GASPS) I should have known. You are... the best! Oh, Mommy, don't die. I was just playing. I know. I told her you were asleep,... ..but that one day, you would wake up and come back to her. And she asked me, "If Mommy's been asleep since I was born, then how will she know what I look like?" To which I replied, "Because Mommy's been dreaming of you." That's what I said. Did you dream of me? I dreamed of you. Every single night, baby. Every single night. I've waited a long time for you to wake up, Mommy. Let me have a look at you. Oh...! My, my, my, what a pretty little girl you are. You're pretty, too, Mommy. (LAUGHS) Tell Mommy what you said when I showed you her picture. Uh-uh. Come on, shy girl. Come on. You know what you said. Come on. Tell Mommy. It'll make her feel good. Uh-uh. Yeah. Come on. I said... I said you were the most beautifullest woman I ever saw in the whole wide world. That's the truth. That's what she said. Baby, don't you think Mommy has the prettiest hair in the whole wide world? Yes. I do. As a matter of fact, it's better than pretty. What's better than pretty? Erm,... gorgeous. Very good. Gorgeous. Mommy is gorgeous. Hmm. You know, sweetie, Mommy's kind of mad at Daddy. Why, Daddy? Were you being a bad daddy? I'm afraid I was. I was a real bad daddy. Our little girl learned about life and death the other day. You want to tell Mommy about what happened to Emilio? I killed him. Emilio was her goldfish. Emilio was my goldfish. (LAUGHS) She came running into my room holding the fish in her hand crying, "Daddy, Daddy, Emilio's dead!" And I said, "Really? That's so sad." "How did he die?" And what did you say? I stepped on him. Actually, young lady, the words you so strategically used were, "I accidentally stepped on him." To which I queried, "Just how did your foot accidentally find its way into Emilio's bowl?" She said, "No, no, Emilio was on the carpet when I stepped on him." Hmm! The plot thickens. "And just how did Emilio get on the carpet?" And, Mommy, you would have been so proud of her. (LAUGHS) She didn't lie. She said she took Emilio out of his bowl and put him on the carpet. And what was Emilio doing on the carpet? Flapping. And then you stomped on him. Uh-huh. And when you lifted up your foot,... what was Emilio doing then? Nothing. He stopped flapping, didn't he? She told me later that the second she lifted up her foot and saw Emilio not flapping, she knew what she had done. Is that not the perfect visual image of life and death? A fish flapping on the carpet, and a fish not flapping on the carpet. So powerful, even a four-year-old with no concept of life or death knew what it meant. You loved Emilio, didn't you? Uh-huh. Well, I love Mommy, too. But I did to Mommy what you did to Emilio. You stomped on Mommy? Worse. I shot Mommy. Not pretend shooting like we were just doing; I shot her for real. Why? Did you want to see what would happen? No, I knew what would happen to Mommy if I shot her. What I didn't know was, when I shot Mommy, what would happen to me. What happened? I was very sad. And that's when I learned some things, once you do, they can never be undone. What happened to Mommy? Why don't you ask Mommy? You OK, Mommy? Does it hurt? No, sweetie. It doesn't hurt any more. Did it make you sick? No. It made me sleep. That's why I haven't been with you, baby. I've been asleep. But you're awake now, Mommy, right? (LAUGHS) I'm wide awake, pretty girl. BB, would you like Mommy to watch a video with you before sleepy time? Uh-huh. Mommy, do you want to watch a video with me before sleepy time? Oh, yeah! I would love to. Which one do you want to watch? "Shogun Assassin." No, BB. "Shogun Assassin" is too long. Uh-uh. No, it's not. Well, then, I'll leave you ladies to it. (WHISTLE BLOWS) Now, what's Henderson doing wrong? Everyone? Anyone? Argh! UP&GO is the most important drink of the day. It's got the protein, energy and fibre of 4 Weet-Bix and milk. Nice one, Henderson! (WOMAN GASPS) * (TV) "When I was little, my father was famous." "He was the greatest samurai in the empire." "And he was the shogun's decapitator." "He cut off the heads of 131 lords." "My father would come home to Mother and when he'd see her, he would forget about the killings." "He wasn't scared of the shogun, but the shogun was scared of him." "Maybe that was the problem." "One night, the shogun sent his ninja spies..." I was just admiring your sword. Quite a piece of work. Speaking of which, how is Hanzo san? He's good. Has his sushi gotten any better? I couldn't believe it, you got him to make you a sword. It was easy. I just dropped your name, Bill. (CHUCKLES) That'd do it. I suppose the idea is we cross Hanzo swords. Am I right? Well, it just so happens this hacienda has its own private beach. And that private beach just so happens to look particularly beautiful bathed in moonlight. And there just so happens to be a full moon out tonight. So, sword fighter, if you want a sword fight, that's where I suggest. But if you want to be old school about it, and you know I'm all about old school, we could wait until dawn and slice each other up at sunrise like a couple of real-life honest... (GASPS) Now, if you don't settle down, I'm gonna have to put one in your kneecap. And I hear that's a very painful place to get shot in. (LAUGHS) I'm just fucking with you. Now,... when it comes to you and us,... ..(LAUGHS) I have a few unanswered questions. So, before this tale of bloody revenge reaches its climax, I'm gonna ask you some questions and I want you to tell me the truth. However, therein lies a dilemma. Because when it comes to the subject of me, I believe you are truly and utterly incapable of telling the truth. Especially to me. And least of all to yourself. And when it comes to the subject of me, I am truly and utterly incapable of believing anything you say. How do you suppose we solve this dilemma? Well, it just so happens, I have a solution. (SCREAMS) Gotcha! Goddamn! (LAUGHS) What the fuck did you just shoot me with?! My greatest invention. Or at least my favourite. Don't touch it, or I'll stick another one right in your cheek. What lies within that dart just begging to course its way through your veins is an incredibly potent and quite infallible truth serum. I call it The Undisputed Truth. Twice as strong as sodium pentothal, with no druggie after effects. Except for a slight wave of euphoria. You feel it? Euphoria? Yeah. No. Too bad. As you know, I'm quite keen on comic books. Especially the ones about superheroes. I find the whole mythology surrounding superheroes fascinating. Take my favourite superhero, Superman. Not a great comic book. Not particularly well drawn. Mmm. (GASPS) But the mythology... The mythology is not only great, it's unique. How long does this shit take to go into effect? About two minutes. Just long enough for me to finish my point. Now,... a staple of the superhero mythology is there's the superhero and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When that character wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic Superman stands alone. Superman didn't become Superman, Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. (SIGHS) His outfit with the big red S, that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears, the glasses, the business suit, that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? (SIGHS) He's weak. He's unsure of himself. He's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race. Sort of like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs Tommy Plympton. Ah-so. The point emerges. You would've worn the costume of Arlene Plympton, but you were born Beatrix Kiddo. And every morning when you woke up, you'd still be Beatrix Kiddo. Oh, you can take the needle out. Are you calling me a superhero? I'm calling you a killer. A natural-born killer. You always have been, and you always will be. Moving to El Paso, working in a used-record store, going to the movies with Tommy, clipping coupons ` that's you trying to disguise yourself as a worker bee. That's you trying to blend in with the hive. But you're not a worker bee. You're a renegade killer bee. And no matter how much beer you drank or barbecue you ate or how fat your arse got, nothing in the world would ever change that. First question. Did you really think your life in El Paso was gonna work? (SOBS) No! But I would've had BB! Don't get me wrong. I think you would've been a wonderful mother. But you are a killer. All those people you killed to get to me, felt damn good didn't they? Yes. Every single one of them? Yes. That was the warm-up round. Now comes the $64,000 question. Why did you run away from me with my baby? Do you remember the last assignment you sent me on? Of course. Lisa Wong. The morning I left, I was sick. On the plane, I threw up. So I started thinking... maybe I was pregnant. "Easy to use." "Remove cap and urinate on the absorbent end for five seconds." "Accurate results in only 90 seconds." "You can read the results as soon as the line appears in the window." (SIGHS HEAVILY) (SIGHS) Fuck! 'What I didn't know was that somewhere on my journey, I had been spotted.' 'With me in LA, it didn't take Lisa Wong long to send an assassin of her own.' (WOMAN GASPS) * (DOORBELL) Hello, can I help you? I'm Karen Kim, the hospitality manager of the hotel. I have a welcome gift. That's nice. Erm... Can you just leave it by the door? (GUNSHOT) You pretty good with that shotgun? Not that I have to be at this range, but I'm a fucking surgeon with it. Bitch, I'm better than Annie Oakley and I got you right in my sight. I could blow your head off. Not before I put one right between your eyes. So let's talk. Karen,... ..I just found out right now not a moment before you blew a hole through the door... ..that I'm pregnant. What is this? On the floor by the door is a strip that says I'm pregnant. Bullshit. (LAUGHS) Any other time, you'd be 100 percent right. This time,... ..you're 100 percent wrong. I'm the deadliest woman in the world, but, right now,... I'm just scared shitless for my baby. Please. Just look at the strip. Please! Stay where you are and don't move. I don't know what this fucking shit means. The box with the directions, it's right there. "Easy to use." "Remove the cap and urinate on the absorbent end." Blue means pregnant. I'll read it myself, thank you! Oh! OK. Say I were to believe you. What then? Just go home. I'll do the same. Congratulations. Before that strip turned blue, I was a woman. I was your woman. I was a killer who killed for you. Before that strip turned blue, I would've jumped a motorcycle onto a speeding train... for you. But once that strip turned blue, I could no longer do any of those things. Not any more. Because I was gonna be a mother. Can you understand that? Yes. But why didn't you... tell me then instead of now? Once you knew, you'd claim her. And I didn't want that. Not your decision to make. Yes, but it's the right decision, and I made it for my daughter. She deserved to be born with a clean slate. But with you, she would've been born into a world she shouldn't have. I had to choose. I chose her. You know, five years ago, if I had to make a list of impossible things that could never happen, you performing a coup de grace on me by busting a cap in my crown... ..would've been right at the top of the list. I'd have been wrong, wouldn't I? I'm sorry, was that a question? Of impossible things that could never happen, yes, in this instance, you would've been wrong. Well? When you never came back, I naturally assumed Lisa Wong or somebody else had killed you. Oh! And for the record, letting somebody think somebody they love is dead when they're not is quite cruel. I mourned you for three months. And in the third month of mourning you,... ..I tracked you down. I wasn't trying to track you down. I was trying to track down the fucking arseholes I thought killed you. So I find you. And what do I find? Not only are you not dead, you're getting married to some fucking jerk. And you're pregnant. I... overreacted. You overreacted?! Is that your explanation? I didn't say I was gonna explain myself. I said I was gonna tell you the truth. But if that's too cryptic, let's get literal. I'm a killer. I'm a murdering bastard. You know that. And there are consequences to breaking the heart of a murdering bastard. You experienced some of them. Was my reaction really that surprising? Yes,... it was. Could you do what you did? Of course you could. But I never thought you would or could do that to me. I'm really sorry, Kiddo, but you thought wrong. You and I have unfinished business. Baby,... you ain't kidding. Argh! Argh! (SPLUTTERS) Huh! (GASPS / LAUGHS) Pai Mei taught you the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique? Of course he did. Why didn't you tell me? I don't know. Because I'm... a bad person. No. You're not a bad person. You're a terrific person. You're my favourite person. But every once in a while,... ..you can be a real cunt. (LAUGHS) How do I look? You look ready. (CICADAS CHIRRUP) (TV) "Well, well, well." "If it ain't the little flower." "(BOTH LAUGH)" "Good evening, Mr and Mrs America and all the ships at sea." "Let's go to press. Flash." "Do you have a magpie in your home? If you do, you are most fortunate." "The magpie is the most charming bird in all the world." "He's the best friend a farmer ever had." "Treat him gently. Treat him kindly." "And always remember, the magpie deserves your respect." (SOBS) (LAUGHS) Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, thank you! "Now, I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I ain't got no headache." "Oh, yes, you have, brother." Yargh! IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017