www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 1 1 1 What up, my lovely females? This is your boy, Costa, your host for the evening. Behind me is Thomas Kub's house. Today is Thomas Kub's birthday. And this is "Project X," yo. # Somebody say hey # # We want some pussy # (singing along): # Hey, we want some pussy # # Let me hear you say hey # # We want some pussy # # Hey, we want some pussy... # Birthday cake. Mmm. Dax, my dick is going to get so wet tonight. Excuse me. Shit. Um, Mrs. Kub, I thought you guys left already. So... what's getting wet tonight? Uh, nothing. I'm sorry about that, Mrs. Kub. Who's your friend? Don't worry about him. We're just shooting this little birthday movie for Thomas. It's like this day- in- the- life type thing. No big deal. He's still in the shower. See you later. (whispering): Fuck me, that was close. Dax. (shower running) Happy birthday, motherfucker! Whoa! Shit. What the fuck, dude? What the fuck, man? Get out, dude. I'm jerking off to your mom. COSTA: So, dude, it's your last day of being a loser. How does it feel? (spits) You're such a dick, Costa. Shit never gets old. (chuckles) (singing with stereo): # Why wait for another day? # # Ah, ah... # What's up, Dax? How'd they rope you into this? He's one of J.B.'s guys from Gay- V club. He's a fucking weirdo, I know. But he's a solid shooter, and he's going to make us look pimp. And you fucking better. MAN: Thomas, get down here! Oh, shit. Let's go. (shuts off music) You said your parents were going to be gone by 7:00. I don't want to go talk to your fucking dad. No food in the living room. Your mother will kill me, and then I'll have to kill you guys. Here's 40 bucks for pizza, okay? - Oh. Cool. - You guys can have that. Knock yourself out. Um, back door or turn the alarm system off. And look, Thomas, I'm not an idiot. I know that you're going to have friends over. Dad. What do you think is going to happen? Mr. Kub, honestly, we have no... Mmm, uh- uh. - I'm sorry. Who are you? - Oh, this is... this is Dax. - What is this? - He's shooting a movie for my birthday. - You know, a little present. - Great. I didn't know you had Goth friends. THOMAS: He's just a friend from school. DAD: Four or five friends, tops. I'm just asking that you please respect my house, okay? - THOMAS: All right, fine. - (growls) DAD: So don't forget to leave the gate open for the gardener. And I know I don't need to tell you, but my car is off- limits. (chuckling): Yeah, Dad, I know. Good. Okay. The pool heater ` don't touch it. And also, guys, do not go in my office, right? You know I have three projects I'm working on. I don't want anybody in there. Clear? Get out, out, out, out. - Dad, no. - (dog whimpers) - God. - Nothing goes in here, right? Where's your mom? I'm going to get the bags. DAD: What... what's going on? What's the matter? I'm just worried. - About what? - I don't know. Thomas, leaving him alone all weekend. Oh, please, stop it. Come on, honey. He's... he's 17 years old, hmm? That's what I'm worried about. Let's be realistic here, okay? This is Thomas we're talking about. He's not exactly Mr. Popular. What is that supposed to mean? I'm just saying that he's not that type of kid. You know, he's got a couple of friends. They're going to hang out, but they're not going to do anything. He's a sweet kid, but... (sighs) he's a loser. # Happy birthday to you. # - (clapping) - DAD: Happy birthday, Thomas. Whoo! Yay! DAD: All right, honey, car is here. Boys, got to get to school. Let's go. - THOMAS: Cool. - Hold on. We got to give Thomas - his birthday present. - THOMAS: Oh. Mr. Kub, how cool is it that Thomas was born on your anniversary, you know? What a great anniversary gift ` a baby. MOM: Uh, happy birthday, sweetie. Oh. Mom's minivan? - Nice. Wow. - Yeah. Yeah, and, uh, it's just for school and back. - That's it, right? Okay. - Yes, of course. Yeah. - Pretty cool. You have a car now. - Thank you so much. Okay. And, Milo, you take good care of Thomas, okay? Mama's going to miss you. Okay, bye. All right, see you guys. And, uh, every one of my phone calls gets answered, right? - Yeah, I know. - Every one. - All right. Okay. - Okay. All right, have fun. Bye. Happy anniversary. Get off me, you little faggot dog! - Yeah! - It's on, motherfuckers! Whoo! THOMAS: Shh. Dude, chill out. Goddamn. Dude, it was really cool of your mom and dad to clean it out and wash it for you. Dude, it's a free car. I'm not about to complain about a free car. First off, it's not even a car. It's a fucking minivan. We can't even roll in this. Dude, too bad your dad didn't give you the Benz. That'd have been sick. You know what, you're right, Costa. Let's just take your car. - Oh! - Good fucking joke. - Good fucking joke. - You don't have one. (chuckling) So, dawg, you ready for tonight? Uh, I actually want to talk to you about that, you know, before we jump into it. I knew it. I knew it. What? You're bitching out. What? Dude, I'm not bitching out. Thomas is bitching out like a little bitch that he is. - THOMAS: Fuck you. - (tires squeal) (grunts) Oh, my God. (laughing) Oh, shit. We need this party, man. You need this party. Look, I'm just nervous. What if nobody shows up? What if it sucks? That's not an option. People will show up. Look at J.B. He's like a little fat Rain Man, texting away. - (horn honking) - THOMAS: Dude, stop. You telling me he doesn't need this? Holy shit, dude. Your parents gave you the minivan? - That's awesome. - Yeah. Hey, Costa. Hey, Dax. - That isn't happening. - (girls laughing) That's not real. - THOMAS: Uh, excuse me. - GIRL: Sorry. Hey, can I get to my, uh, locker right there? Dude, why are you staring at my dick? (laughter) I wasn't. I... it's... my locker's right there. - Can I get to it? - Whatever, you fucking weirdo. COSTA: Dude, just let it go. Just come on. Hey, that's a sweet minivan, soccer mom. See? See what I told you? (school bell ringing) BOY: Is it true what I heard about you at Zam's party last week? You got a blow job from his mom? That party was so sick. Everyone got laid. You know, Wheelchair Robert even got a hand job. Nice. Are you kidding me? Why the fuck weren't we at that party, man? What? So we missed a party, dude. - Big deal. - It is a big deal. We miss every party. I mean, did you hear that guy? Wheelchair Robert got beat off. I want to show you something. See this? Check this out. That's Stasia. She's gorgeous, right? That's my girl back in Queens. And we could be crushing this kind of ass, but we need a game changer. I mean, no one even knows who we are. If we want to be big-time players, we need to make a big-time play. You feel me? J.B., whoa! What the fuck, man? Why do you have a boner? I don't. It's just, uh... it's just my underwear sitting funny. - You need to cover up, J.B. - That's absolutely disgusting. Okay, it's easy to talk shit when the party's not even at your house. Dude, please don't back out. This party is going to change everything for us. Okay. Well, I mean, I'm the one taking the whole risk. All you do is show up and drink. You really think your two best friends would ditch you if something went wrong? - I'm fucking offended, man. - Yeah, me, too. The whole idea behind tonight is to get these bitches to recognize us as large-scale ballers. Back in Queens, I had hoes blowing me on the reg. Then I started hanging out with you two ` zero! I just don't really see the point anymore. How do you not see the point? There's the point. There's the point. - Okay. - There's two more fucking points right there! - It's all around you. - Dude, I get it. If you fuck this up, I will stab you. I'm not kidding. Okay. Like, no more than 20 people. - 20 people? - All right, 30 people, okay? - 30 people? - Yeah, I have to make sure my house doesn't get totally fucked. 30 people won't change anything for us. All right, look. Okay, 50 people, absolute max. Fine. 50 people, absolute max. You know, just big enough to be cool. MAN (over monitor): Sand, an adversary in many ways more dangerous than those carrying weapons. In desert warfare... Mass marketing, handled. (cell phones buzzing) - (low chatter) - Shh. COSTA: Yeah. Of course, Jack. Anything. And if you guys get there before we get there, you can just get in the backyard and... and set up and do what you got to do. - THOMAS (whispering): Dax. Dax. - COSTA: If you did that, that would be awesome. - Go film over the top. COSTA: Okay. Really, we appreciate that. Oh, uh... I have to call you back, sir. I'm sorry. Dude, what are you doing, Dax? Get the fuck out of here! THOMAS: What the fuck are you doing? Guys... hey, guys, get the fuck...! (Thomas and J.B. laughing) Are you fucking with me right now? Dax, come on. That was a business call for your birthday party. Who takes a shit and makes a business call? Are you guys kidding me? THOMAS: Now you can shit in peace. Come on, dude. I can't see a thing! It's dark as fuck in here. (low chatter) COSTA: Dax, come on. Let's get closer. - (girl chuckling) - THOMAS: It should be pretty cool, I think. Um, basically chill. I'm letting Costa plan most of it. Oh, that sounds like a really brilliant idea. No, he's doing a good job. He's, uh... he's getting, like, a bunch of booze, and then... I think, like... like, a DJ. - A DJ! Super chill. - (Thomas laughs) Guess what Mama Kub and Papa Kub got for, um... Baby Kub? (chuckling): ...Baby Kub for his birthday. What? The Kub Mobile. They gave you the minivan? For my birthday, yes. Your parents definitely give the worst gifts ever. - Where's your present? - Dude, are you serious? You haven't gotten me a birthday present in, like, ten years. - I thought we were just... - So? But since I am a better friend than you, I did get you something. Oh. I'll bring it tonight. Hey, I have to go run. - Happy birthday, loser. - Ow. - THOMAS: Don't trip. - GIRL: Ow! - Oh, shit. - I'm okay! (girl laughing) Thomas, suck my cock. What? J.B.: Mama Kub and Papa Kub? Yeah, those are my parents, asshole. (low chatter, laughter) Damn, she's so fucking hot, dude. Do you think she'll come tonight? COSTA: I'm not inviting her. You got to do this one. J.B.: Alexis won't come. She fucks college dudes. (cell phone buzzing) Lamel? What? I don't know any Lamel. Nah, he's cool. Guys, seriously, the last thing I want in my house is a bunch of randoms. Wrong, dude -- last thing you want is nobody at your fucking house. The more the word gets around, the more likely these chicks are going to show up at our party. Watch and learn how Captain Big Dick does it. # All day every day # # Baby, 'cause I'm a thug... # Hey, girls. Just remember, wear something tight. # 'Cause I'm a thug # # That's right, you heard... # What's up, sisters? Thomas Kub's house, 8:00. Come get a piece of this white chocolate. DAX: Are you going to be going to Thomas's birthday party tonight? - Thomas? Who's that? - Who's Thomas? # I'm just doing my thang, using my ghetto slang... # BOY (voice-over): Is this that thing that that dick in the sweater vest was telling us about? What's up, baby? 8:00. # On the run, I got ten years on parole # # Since you can't say it, dawg, I'ma say it for y'all... # DAX (voice-over): What are your expectations for the party tonight? Get high, fuck bitches ` you already know. Yeah, I think we're gonna come. Can we bring some people? Can I bring people? Thomas Kub's house, 8:00. # All day every day, baby, 'cause I'm a thug # # Wouldn't change for the world # # Uh- huh, 'cause I'm a thug... # (laughing): Oh, shit. - Ah! - (laughing) # Yeah, check it out. # COSTA: What we are witnessing is truly a breathtaking moment in the life of young Thomas. The helpless foetus is growing a tiny, tiny penis. A penis he may someday insert into this female's vagina should he survive his first encounter without her eating him. # I got trouble on my mind # # I got trouble on my mind # # Trouble on my mind # # So much trouble on my mind # # Trouble on my mind... # Paper towels. Get long. Dude, get a ton. Oh, shit. Extra large condoms. I'm not paying for that shit. Attention, valued shoppers. THOMAS: Oh, my God. Join us for an evening of balls-deep entertainment at Thomas Kub's house. Dude, fucking stop. # Out with money or with ass shots... # Hey, hey, little buddy. Want... want something to drink? Hey. J.B.: She's going to catch him, and he's going to get his ass kicked. # Trouble on my mind # - # I got trouble on my mind... # - (crying) - You guys, we good on OJ? - COSTA: Dude, Sunny D, dude. - Sunny D? - Throw it in. I love... How are we doing on eggs? (beeping) J.B.: Holy shit, dude. It's Miles Teller. Dude, it is. - THOMAS: That's him. Holy shit. - J.B.: So badass. COSTA: Yeah, my boy's starting at second base for USC. I heard he got sent to detention once and he ended up banging the teacher. Mi-Tell, what's cracking, bro? We go to North Pass. THOMAS: Yeah, dude, big fans. J.B.: Huge fans. Cool. Awesome. COSTA: Look, we're making a movie. - (laughs) - J.B.: Invite him, man. - Come on. - THOMAS: Okay. Um, listen, Miles, uh, we're having a little soiree at my place tonight. I mean, if you want to swing by... Teller, my boy here is underselling this like a motherfucker. This shit's going to be legit. You should definitely swing by. Yeah, I can't. I- I actually got other plans tonight, so I might not make it. COSTA: Dude, think about it. It's on Dickens Street. We'd love to have you. - Uh, Dickens Street? - Yeah. That's your party? You guys are throwing that? - I'm... that's where I'm going tonight. - Yeah. I heard it's gonna be fucking crazy, bro. THOMAS: Yeah, dude, that's... that's my party. I mean, I'm Thomas Kub. It's my birthday today. Uh, yeah, no, I heard it's gonna be, like, unlimited high school pussy and shit. COSTA: Dude, high school pussy for days. What? Mind your own business, lady. MILES: Um, how you guys doing on liquor? You got liquor? - THOMAS: Uh... - Yeah? Figure it out? Tell you what, don't even worry about it, man. I'll bring it, call my boys up. Don't sweat. THOMAS: Dude, thank you so much, seriously. MILES: Hey, it's your day. Cool. See you guys tonight, then. - THOMAS: All right, cool. - Dickens Street. - COSTA: Teller, bring your mitt. We'll play catch. - MILES: You know. Fuck. "Bring your mitt"? The fuck? # Nothing like black pussy on my dick # # Word to the motherfucking DJ Quik... # Okay, here's what I want. Party's limited to the backyard, okay? The house will be locked and the alarm will be set. No one is going inside, all right? Stop. You want us to throw down in the bushes? - I don't care, all right? - Dude, if I don't fuck a girl with big titties tonight, I'm drowning myself. I don't care if she's 300 pounds, I have to fuck a girl with big titties. Oh, my God. Feel my drift, J.B.? J.B.: Sure do. I mean, I'd love to get some oral or, you know, at least do some finger banging. - (scoffs) - What? Finger banging? Can- can you please elaborate? What you're gonna do is you're gonna take your first finger, thumb and your middle finger. Make a "come here" motion. Like, "hey, come here." This is called the "machine guns" or the "friendly scissors." It's called the "circle of pleasure." The "itsy-bitsy spider." Tapping and circling. Tap, tap, tap. By the way, keep telling her how pretty she is all the time. Shut the fuck up! You're lost, man. - Oh, my God. - It's good knowledge. You're gonna go straight up here, then you're gonna take a right again. All right, listen. The three of us will have full access to the house for sex and finger bangings. Yes! But no one else, okay? Course, bro. We got your back. - Hey, take a right. - Here? You're gonna want to lock your doors. - Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious. I'm not fucking around. Lock your doors. T-Rick's. Gotta score some of that chronic shit. Are you sure this guy's cool? T-Rick's the coolest. He's ex-military. Wait till you see his gun collection, bro. Fucking insane. - This place is ghetto as fuck. - Yeah, why the fuck do we have to come all the way over here, dude? We can't just get it at school? Where do you think the school gets it from? This is wholesale, nigga. You are literally retarded. Ah, shut the fuck up. Ah, fuck. (knocking) T-Rick, open up. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. - Hey, what's up, bro? - Jesus. What, I haven't seen you in a minute, Costa. - Yeah. - Nice to see ya. How you doing? Everything copacetic? Dude, everything's great. I see you upgraded the dish. - The place looks great. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking did upscale, dude. - Upscaled it. I fucking did. - Yeah, man. These are my boys, J.B. and Thomas. - Hi. - Hi. - All right, yeah, yeah. Come on in, come on in. Oh, yeah, that was a 12-millimeter semi-automatic Mossberg Maverick. I'd love to go to the range with you sometime, you know. Yeah, that's a good idea. Going on the range, get it all out of your system. Pretend you're killing cops, if you want. # You're beautiful # # You're beautiful, it's true # # I saw your face in a crowded place # All right, well, I'll get your stuff. Here, stoke up the fires, buddy. Oh, man, you the man. Fuck it, T-Rick. - Yeah, kick ass with that. - (coughs) THOMAS: Hey, can we get going? I mean, Costa, come... come sit down, dude. - He's about to fucking... - Check it out. What are you doing? Oh, fucking stop. (grunting) That's technically a homosexual act. (moans) I'm coming on Santa Claus's face. Costa, he's coming back. Dax. Dax, take it, take it, take it. Dude, what the fuck are you doing? Dude, are you stealing it? No, we're just borrowing it. We need a fucking mascot for the party. (inhales) - Jesus Christ. - (coughs) Here you go. L-Let's do this, I got to be at the dojo by 5:00. - Absolutely. - Cool. See, I told you guys, T-Rick's just a sweetheart. Mmm. (sniffs) - Smell it, J.B. - (door slams) - You little fucking cocksuckers! - Oh, fuck! Shit! - Give me back my fucking gnome! - Fuck! Dude! - Fuck! - All right, give him the gnome back! - Give him the fucking gnome back! - No, fuck that! - Just go! - (engine starts) Holy shit! (tires screeching) Holy shit, Thomas, he's a fucking wild man! Like a fucking crazy man! Holy shit! He's gone! - Bitch! - He fell off! (tires screech) - (ignition sputtering) - Holy shit! - Holy shit! - Holy shit, Thomas! - Fuck. - (engine starts) (tires screeching) Shit, shit, shit, shit! That's my boy! That's my boy coming up with some serious fucking shit right there! What in the fucking world? Fuck. Shit. - Oh, my God. - Shit. God, dude... he fucking cracked my windshield. Fuck it, my cousin owns a body shop. He could fix it, no problem, man. The kung-fu no good here. - Oh, fuck! - Holy shit! Give me back my gnome! Holy shit! The guy's like the fucking Terminator! Jesus! Jesus! No, he was super pissed though. Dude scares the shit out of me. - (door closes) - TYLER: Hey, boss. What the fuck? COSTA: There he is. This is Everett and his boy Tyler. They're gonna be running security for the night. Wha ` Are you serious? Are those nunchucks? Yeah. - Oh, shit. - You guys look like ninjas. - Ninjas are fucking pussies! - That's why I love this kid. - You know it. - Seriously, Thomas, with these two, we've got nothing to worry about. We're outside the Kub house. - Hey! - We have bogeys. - What up, Costa? - Do I know you guys? We heard about your shindig tonight. We want in. - You freshmen? - Yeah. Get the fuck out of here, man. Come on, dude. Are you still talking? Get the fuck out of here. Dick. (chuckles): Oh. Ah. J.B., drop those bags. We got work to do. (doorbell rings) Hi. Good evening, Mrs. Stillson. My name's Oliver. This is, uh, my friend Jonathon. And we're both friends of, uh, Thomas Kub's. - Oh. - Yeah, we're, we're hosting a little birthday party for Thomas, and we wanted to give, yeah, we wanted to give you, uh, the courtesy of informing you that there'd possibly be a little bit of party-related noise. I wanted to give you my, uh, phone number just in case you had any problems or concerns. You're a very beautiful woman. Call me anytime you want. (chuckles): Oh, thank you. - Yeah. - That's very sweet of you. All right, and I mean that when I say that you are a very beautiful woman. ...a little birthday party for Thomas Kub. - He lives over there. - Oh? Am I invited? - Uh, yeah, dude, fine. - That all right? - Yeah, you can come by. - Thanks. Well, guys, thank you very much and have a good time at your pool party... - (baby cries) - Oh, thank you, man. I really appreciate this. Come by anytime you want, man, seriously. - All right, thank you. - Yeah, yeah. - Bye, baby. - See you guys. Muchas gracias por su consideration. Estas bienvenido. Cuando tu quieres, joven, aqui tiene en su casa. Gracias, gracias. De nada. - DJ's over there. - Cool. Um, got the bar set up over here. Nice. - Karaoke in the pool house. - Nice. Holy shit, dude! Where'd you get a bouncy-house? Costa hooked it up. - Oh, man. - You know it, baby. 50 bucks extra with the port-a-potty. And they threw these in for free. Nice touch. Why not? It's a birthday party. You guys want to help? Do something. Hey, Chubs, why don't you grab your twin brother right there? Fucking dick. - Hey, dudes, check it out. - Yeah, like that's gonna work. Yes, it is gonna work. Next time your pool guy's here, he's gonna be like, "Excuse me, Mr. Kub, "but I seem to have found some water in your semen." That's fucking disgusting. COSTA: J.B., I thought I told you to pick up ice! I did. It's in the freezer in the garage. What- what the fuck are you doing, man? I'm getting in shape for the party. The party's in three hours. Yeah, it's mostly water weight. Wrestlers do it all the time. Yeah, wrestlers also wrestle all the time. - Let's crank this thing up. - No, no, please, Costa, don't. It's not gonna work unless you crank it up. - You fucking... - (treadmill revving) (panting) Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Let's go, come on. Dax. Dax, help me! No, Dax, you're here to observe. Dax! (screams) Jesus Christ! Are you all right, dude? Oh, my God, J.B., are- are you all right? An hour from now, this place is a fucking madhouse. Well, not a madhouse, just gonna be a fun, decent-sized party. Relax. For you. - You. - Mm. Me. Dax. DAX: Thank you, I don't, I don't drink alcohol. Okay, faggot. To one sick fucking night. Cheers. (pop music playing over speakers) (Kirby laughs, fighting noises over video game) COSTA: Shit! Come on! Yes! How are you so fucking bad at this game, Costa? Shut up, Kirby. You're killing my concentration right now. KIRBY (laughs): Thomas, come here. - COSTA: Fucker! - KIRBY: I'm kicking Costa's ass! Oh-ho! Watch this. Shit! - It looks like I win. - Fuck you. You guys, it's, like, 9:20 already. Dude, relax. People are gonna show up, I promise, bro. KIRBY: It's getting late. I'm just gonna look like such a dick if no one shows. Shut the fuck up, Thomas. It's pissing me off that you don't trust me to know what I'm doing. I'm the hub of a very large social circle. When I put the word out, it goes fucking out. THOMAS: Oh, okay, cool. - Oh... - Oh, shit. What the fuck are you wearing? KIRBY: My God. Oh. You're gonna get laid, dude. Ladies love a guy with class. Ah! Are you retarded? (laughter) Jesus Christ, man. Where do you even get shit like that? - Men's Wearhouse. - Men's Wearhouse? - Yeah. - Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shh. KIRBY: What is it? - Wow! - Dude, this is fucking... I can't believe it fucking worked. COSTA: What I said? Don't doubt the master, bitches! # Beamer, Benz or Bentley, Beamer, Benz or Bentley # # Beamer, Benz or Bentley, your scheming don't affect me # # I'm fresh, I'm fly, I'm so damn high # # More than 500 horses when I roll by # # I'm calm, I'm cool # Dude, we've done good. J.B.: Jesus, all those chicks are really hot. They're coming in packs. THOMAS: This is insane. L'Chaim. # Beat it, I bet she let me # # She been fiending since she met me # (laughter, excited chattering) What up, baby girl?! (laughter) THOMAS: Yeah, this is way more than 50 people. Of course it is; it's plus one. (gasps) That's fucking Alexis, dude. - Oh. - She came, man. Damn, dude. J.B.: Wow. Thomas, this is your party, and she's the hottest girl here. That better be yours tonight. Damn. # Yeah # # Oh # # Get up # # I said get up # - # Whoo # - # Let's go # # Better watch out now 'cause here we come, come # # And we ain't stopping until we see the morning sun, sun # # So give us room to do our thing # # 'Cause we ain't come to hurt no one, one # # So everybody come and get up on the floor right now # # And grab someone, one # # Now, first of all, I'm a boss # # I just want to get that across # # Man, even my dentist hates when I floss # # Pull up to the club in a Pinto like it's a Porsche # # Garbage bag for one of the windows # # Spray-painted doors with the flames on 'em # # Michigan plates and my name's on 'em # # Baby, Shady's here, come and get him # # If you dames want him, but he ain't stupid # # So quit trying to run them games on him # # He's immune to Cupid, why you trying # # To put your claims on him? # # 'Cause you won't do to me what you did to the last man # # Now climb in back, try not to kick over the gas can # # There's a half a gallon in it, that could be our last chance # # We have of just getting home, now can I get that lap dance? # # Now, you can do this on your own, but everyone knows # # That no one likes to be alone, so get on the floor # # And grab somebody # # Ain't nothing but a white trash party # # White trash party, so let's have us a little bash # # And if anyone asks, it ain't no one but us trash # # You don't know, you better ask somebody # # 'Cause we're having a white trash party # - (girl screaming) - # Pull a fifth of Bacardi # # From out of my underwear # # And walk around the party # Where the fuck is your drink, Thomas? I'm between beverages. What the fuck does that even mean? J.B., get this bitch a drink! Yeah, all right. # Everybody in the club getting tipsy # Who's that dude with the moustache? COSTA: Oh, that's LaRose. He graduated. When, 1986? Could we at least try and have a good time? Whoo! You got it? You tie it? - Is he strapped in? - He's good. - Ready to go. - Blast off! (barking) (crowd cheering) (barking) That is not fucking cool! GIRL: Oh, my God, it's a flying dog. BOY: It's just like "Up"! It's my fucking dog! - Oh, I got to record this. - (crowd booing) Are you serious right now? Fuck this, I'm putting him inside. Let me help you. (music, cheering continues faintly outside) Hey. (dog barking faintly over phone) Can you imagine if your mom ever saw that? THOMAS: It's my fucking dog! Poor Milo. I don't know. It's pretty funny. Maybe I'll post it on YouTube. No. No, d-don't, don't, don't. This needs to stop. Stop. Come on, you're way too easy. I love it. I hate you. You'll be okay, Milo. I promise. All right, well, um... we better get back out there. # Damn, girl, let me see what you got # Hey, yo, Kub. Hey, yo, what up, dawg? Yo, what's up, bro? # Let me see what you got # # Now shake that thing # Hey, man, what's up? - Nice party, man. - Hey, thanks. Uh, hey, would you guys mind maybe getting off my dad's car? It's just, he'll go crazy if anything happens to it, you know. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right. Thanks, man, appreciate it. Yeah, yeah, no problem. Thomas! You're taking a bullet from me right now. What the fuck is that? - It's tequila. Just fucking take it. - All right. - Fuck, dude. - Come here, come here. Ladies. What's up, ladies? Who wants to take a shot with the birthday boy? Hell, yeah. Whoa, uh, oh. - Careful. - She's a professional. Open up. Take it. Oh, my God, she's got a deep throat. Okay, open up, open up! - Go. - Get it, baby. Yeah! # Say what? # # Bitch, I'm about to blow up # Pardon? - Oh, hey. - Hey. What's up, guys? - Hey. - Well? - We did it. - This is amazing. How the hell did we get all these people to show up? - Hey, check it out, guys. - What? I'm pretty sure it's that girl from Playboy. - Who? - Oh, my God, it is her. She graduated three years ago. She's in Playboy's Pac-10 issue. Dibs. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Well, I want to declare it, just in case. (horn plays "Charge" fanfare) - Whoa. - Oh, shit. Whoa. TYLER: We're fucked! What? Whoa, hey, what's going on? There's people in the house! Oh, shit. - Hey, Costa... - I'm understaffed! Costa, come on, I need your fucking help, man. - Seriously. - Goddamn it. Wow. Whoa! (girls cheering) Hi. Welcome. Welcome to the party. - Welcome, welcome. - Yo. - Miles! - Yo, little dude, what's up, man? How we doing? That's Ashley, Rachel, Sarah. - Hi. - I brought` look at all these people I brought to your party. This fucking camera creeps me out. - Yeah, it's` Don't worry. - Let's go! Whoo! I'm talking about the fucking people in the house, asshole. All right? My parents are gonna crucify me if anything gets fucked up. I don't care if everyone thinks I'm a dick. I'm getting them out. - Dude, come on. - Now. Watch. Fuck, hey, stop, seriously. Dude, what the fuck are you doing? Um... Thomas, please don't embarrass me like this. - Hey, listen up! - Yeah, Thomas! (crowd cheering) Yeah, bro! Work that boring table! That's what I like to see, baby! - Are you having a good time? - Yeah. Come on, guys, let's start making some drinks, bro. Let's get crazy in this bitch. (excited chattering) (chuckles) Can I help you, sir? I'm here to see Thomas. First and last name, please. I'm Rob, the neighbor. Who the fuck are you? - I'll ask the questions, sir. - Exactly. Get the hell out of my way. (doorbell rings) - Rob, hey, hey. - Hi, Thomas. - What can I do for you, man? - Look, man, I don't mean to be a dick here or anything. Uh, your friend Oliver came over earlier and told me you guys were having a little party, but this is too much. Okay, yeah, uh, we actually should be winding down, like, midnight, I mean, maybe 1:00. - Is that okay? - No, man. It's not, I'm sorry. The baby can't sleep and Melinda's got to be - up early for work tomorrow... - Fuck, yeah! My boy Rob is here to rage! - Okay. - Good to see you, brother. Yeah, actually, you know what, bud, I'm not raging. I'm actually just telling Thomas that it's time to shut it down. You can't be serious. This is a great party. - What the fuck? - I am serious because it's 11:30 at night, and it's time to wrap it up. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. Why don't we just bring everyone to the back, lower the volume a bit? Guys, this isn't a request. All right? The party's over. I guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree then, aren't we? Dude. Listen to me, Thomas. Either shut it down or I'm calling the cops. (sighs) Fine. Fuck it. I'm calling the fucking cops... (screaming, Taser crackling) - Oh, fuck! - Oh, shit! Jesus fucking Christ! What'd you do that for? (crowd groans) Are you fucking kidding me?! I will fucking kill you! - Costa, stop. - The little fuck tased me, man! I'm definitely calling the cops now! You punched a kid in the face! I'm calling the cops on your ass now! Do it, genius. It's all on tape. I just saw this motherfucker record it right here. DAX: All- All I got was you punching that little child's face. Fuck you! - Go home, Robert. Go home. - (crowd booing) - It was just a kid, man! - Get out of my face! Are you all right, man? Is he okay? You're a fucking champion. He sucker-punched you. You'd own that bitch in a real fight. - You think so? - I know so. Fuck that asshole. You're killing it, bro. BOY: Yo, Costa, what's up? Yo, go in the back. I need you to dial it back, like, ten, 15 percent. You can't hard-charge all the time. All right? And lose the Taser, okay? - Got it. - Get down here. We need to post up at the cock-biter's house. If he calls the cops, I want you to radio over to me, okay? Get out of here. Go. Alexis was eye-fucking the shit out of you, and you got college girls on your dick. You're golden. Dude, I'm so fucked. Relax, man, everything's going great. DAVE: Oh, shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Didn't I tell you two to fuck off? Get down here right now! Come on, Costa, there's, like, 200 people here. I don't care. T, get these freshmen out of here. This is a party for grown-ups. Let's fucking go! This makes no sense. This kid's younger than we are. THOMAS: Hey, how the hell did they get up there? - Move it, fellas! - Let's fucking go! - Go! Come on! - You, too, get out of here. That's my boy. That's my boy. See? Kid's a pro. We got nothing to worry about. Dude, you heard Rob, man. I mean, what if he calls the cops? The guy isn't gonna do shit. He punched a 12- year- old in the face. Thomas, everything's under control. Let's just have some fun. I got this, okay? Cannonball, bitches! (crowd cheering) Get in! Get in, bitches! Get in the fucking water! Whoo! (laughs) This is the Thomas Kub pool cam. Dude, check it out. Check it out. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Read the sign, honey! Sorry, I- I don't make the rules. # I got Ray-Ban vision, these ain't no prescriptions # (crowd cheering) No fucking way! Dude, go over there. You fucking believe this? (girls cheering) # Feeling tremendous # # Lenses darker than the tint on my Benzes # Yeah! (laughter) (music continues muffled) (Thomas grunts) Woo-hoo! Yeah! (crowd cheering) - Oh, my God! - Holy shit! It's fucking insane! (yelling) THOMAS: Oh, my God. Dude, that sign fucking worked. You got to have faith, son. Would you like a glass of wine? We've got red. We've got white. You know, Cabernet, Merlot. Uh, just another beer would be great. Uh... here we are. (chuckling): Whoa. (exhales) Wow. Okay. (screams) (partygoers laughing) (laughing): J.B.! (gagging) How did this thing get up here? Was someone in my parents' room? It's a gnome. I guess he gets around. Who cares, man? Well, I just don't want people up here. Besides, it's creepy. Look at him. (rummaging) J.B., what are you looking for? Looking to see if your dad has condoms. I'm working on something downstairs. The only thing you're working on is diabetes, you fat fuck. Oh, dude, Alexis just texted me. What? What's it say? "Body shots for the birthday boy right now." Dude, it's fucking on! J.B.: Check it out. THOMAS: J.B., dude, what? Seriously. - Your dad is a freak. - What are you doing? Fucking stop. Give me that. (grunting) Costa, stop. Wait. - Costa, what are you doing? - Replying. Don't. Here, don't send that. Send. Too late, man. What did you write? "I want your ass, too, Mommy." "I want your ass, Mommy." Who talks like that? I do. The shit works. Go. Go talk to her. (sighs, sniffs) (low chatter, laughter) Wait. Wait, wait. No, no, no. - No, wait. What are you doing? - What? - Not like that. Not like that. All right. Like this. Put this in your mouth. (spits) Your turn. COSTA: Kub! House phone! House phone! Shit. Sorry. Um... Excuse me. Sorry. Look out. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Oh, shit. Sorry. Dax, close that behind you. (phone ringing) Shit! Dax, find the phone. (phone ringing) Um... right, no, fuck it, just be quiet. Hello? - DAD: Thomas. Are you there? - Dad, hey. Yeah. Where have you been? We've been trying your cell phone all night. I thought we agreed all my calls would be answered. I know. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. Uh, we were, uh... we were out in the hot tub, - and so I didn't have it on me. - Thomas, please. I don't want to find any wet towels when we get home. I want to come home to a clean house, okay? - Yeah, definitely. - (knock at door) DAD: Okay, and we were just calling one more... - What was that? Thomas? - Dude, look at her. DAD: What was that? Thomas? Uh, nothing. That was, uh, Costa. You're on speakerphone. Well, we just wanted to call one last time before going to bed, make sure you're all set for the night. (flame whoosh, partygoers cheering) Yep, all good. Um, I'm actually about to, uh, go to sleep right now, so... Great. Well, we'll see you Sunday. Happy birthday, Thomas. Thanks, Dad. Good night. Good night. Holy shit. (shouting, laughter) (cheering) Fuck, yeah! MAN: Oh, shit. I think that's his dad. What? Hey, I'm not here to bust anybody. I'm just here to party. GIRL: Ew! Come on, "Ew." Give me a break. You got a ball? - Yeah, man. - Let's do this. Here we go. Paxson for three. (man laughing) Up high! Come on, dude. Right here. Yeah! Let me have that. (laughter) What's that, dude? Hold on. I can't fucking hear a thing you're saying. - Speak up, E. - (garbled speech) What? E! What the fuck are you doing here? What are you going to do about it, bitch? You're not invited, dickhead. - (girl gasps) - (scattered laughter) Fucking asshole! Man. (static over radio) Go ahead, bro. What's happening? EVERETT (over radio): Subject is currently arguing with an overweight woman, most likely his wife. She wants him to call the police. He says he wants to handle it himself. He's drinking. They're in the kitchen. I'm upstairs. Kids are asleep. Over. Wait. You're in their house? (static over radio) Are you fucking kidding me? E, get the fuck out now! Negative. I'm a ghost. Out. Fuck am I going to do with this kid? E! E! # # # # # # KIRBY: Are you having fun? Yeah, I'm having a good time. It's pretty fucking crazy. Oh, my God. (laughs) What was wrong with me? Wow. This was before Costa. Yeah. The good old days. Yeah, back when you were still in the crew, right? You used to be so cute. What happened? Shut the fuck up. Still looks like me. Was that weird? I'm sorry. Shit, that was weird, wasn't it? No, it's... it was a little weird. - Fuck. Um... - (laughs) (music stops, partygoers booing) EVERETT: Cops on the way. Get out! Everybody, now! Everybody in the back! Get in the back now! Hey, what are you...? Over there, get in the back! Cops are coming! Hurry! Let's move! Move it! Move it! Let's go! Hurry up! Cops are coming! Everybody in the back! - Let's go! Hurry! - THOMAS: Costa. Hey! Costa. TYLER: Everybody, get in the back. Hey, what's going on? The cops are on their way right now. Oh, shit. Get in the back now! Everybody, move! - Let's go! - BOY: Hide the bottles! Keep going! Get in the back now! TYLER: Get out of here, guys. Police. COSTA: They're on their way now. Shh. Wait, how do you know that? Dude, don't ask. My boy's in deep. Got to clear this fucking beer out of here. Damn it. - COSTA: Is that everything? - THOMAS: Yeah. - Fuck. - I got your... I got your chalice. (creaking) Law enforcement currently on scene. Standing down. - (Taser crackling) - For now. I don't hear anything. No, it doesn't sound like a party. Not a party that's still going, anyway. (knocking at door) Evening, officers. Fellas having a party? Yeah, we're having a small little birthday gathering for my friend. Yeah, I'm the friend ` my birthday. Lot of cars for a small party. - Shh... - (partygoers murmuring) J.B.: Shh. The house ` whose is it? - Uh... - Is there a problem here, officers? We have a noise complaint. You mind if we look around? I'd prefer if you didn't. We're not asking. Excuse me, officers ` I'm not a lawyer or anything. Doesn't the law state that you cannot enter through a private residence without permission? (chuckles) Is there an adult here we might speak with? You're speaking with one. I'm 18 and a half years old, sir. And, of course, in my culture, I've been a man since my 13th birthday. So you're telling us we cannot come in? Well, with all due respect, technically, the law says you cannot. What we're saying is you may not. Uh, I guess both are true. The law says you cannot because we say you may not. All right. All right. Props on the "can/may" bullshit. Very good. No doubt. Thank you, sir. Just keep the noise down to a minimum, okay? Yes, sir. Of course. Don't make us come back. You know what I mean? - Yeah. - Yeah. Uh-huh, of course. Good night. - Night, officers. - Good night. (mocking): "Technically, the law states..." (babbling) Damn Internet. Everybody's a fucking attorney. (garbled radio transmission) (car engine starts) COSTA: Fuck you. Dude, Costa, seriously. Fuck you. Come inside. Just come inside. Just forget about it. (low chatter, laughter) To the break of dawn, yo! (cheering) # # # Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams # # Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothing # # You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow # # Rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow # # I'm on the pursuit of happiness # # And I know everything that shine # # Ain't always gonna be gold # # Hey, I'll be fine once I get it # (echoing): # Yeah... # # # - (glass shattering) - COSTA: Holy shit! - THOMAS: What the fuck are you doing? - J.B.: Jesus! (chatter, laughter) Thomas, my cousin can replace the window, no problem. It's all good, man. I promise. # # Where did you get this? This is my mom's. Come on, bro, I'm... I'm not going to break it. # I'm on the pursuit of happiness # - (yelling) - # And I know # # Everything that shine # # Ain't always gonna be gold # # Hey, I'll be fine... # Throw it in here nice and low. - (whooping) - What are you doing?! # I'm on the pursuit of happiness # # And I know everything that shine # # Ain't always gonna be gold # # Hey, I'll be fine... # - What is it? - They're pills! - It's Ecstasy, bro! - Holy shit. Dude! # I'm on the pursuit of happiness # # And I know everything that shine # # Ain't always gonna be gold # # Hey, I'll be fine once I get it... # Are you serious, you heard about this on Craigslist? On Craigslist, yeah. It was on the thing ` on the page right there. J.B.: Whoa. We are so fucked. COSTA: Relax, man. We need to tell Thomas. T-Rick's so burned out, he probably forgot about it already. This is bad. Mom, Dad, uh, it's me, Thomas. Um... I'm drunk. I mean, that's not an excuse. Hopefully, we'll meet again so I can explain things. I mean, I don't really have an explanation other than fucking Costa made me do it. So... - (knocking at door) - Fuck off! COSTA: Dude, it's us. I know! What the fuck are you doing in here? The whole party's outside, man. Have you seen what my fucking house looks like? We'll have a whole day to fix this place up like new. - It's all good. - No, it's not all good. Okay? And... and what about this? What if my parents see it? Nobody's going to see this shit but us. I promise. Where the fuck did all these people even come from? I mean, you know a guy down there told me he found out about the party on fucking Craigslist? My dad met my stepmom on Craigslist. So you just put my address on the fucking Internet? Well, not just the Internet. - What? - Shut the fuck up, J.B.! No, wait. What the fuck is he talking about? Okay, I had Jesse Marco put out an e-mail blast, and I may have called a radio station or two. - That's it. - You motherfuckers! Hey, you were so nervous about people not showing up. Dude, people are spilling shit, breaking shit. I mean, people are probably stealing shit, all right? It's out of control. And look, I wasn't nervous, okay? I just wanted the party to be big enough to be cool. Dude, look, back in Queens, this... And I'm fucking sick of hearing about Queens! All right, we get it. Queens is awesome. We're a bunch of pussies, all right? I don't fucking care. # I'm doin' me, I'm living life right now # # Man, and this what I'm-a do... # COSTA: Whatever happens, we can make this right. I'll fix this whole fucking house myself if I have to. Your parents don't even come home until Sunday. You just need to relax, man. You want a massage, bro? No, no. Just stop. # My mind's telling me no # This is my favorite song, guys. # But my body, my body's... # I can't believe, like, you guys just did this to me. We did this for you. COSTA: Look, man, I know you're not a drug guy, and I respect that about you, but right now, this is what you need. - What is it? - It's Ecstasy. It'll put the brakes on your little freak-out. Just take it. All right. This won't totally, like, fuck me up, will it? Of course it will, dude. That's the whole point. Here. J.B.: Hey. You get a half of one. # Hey, baby... # THOMAS: All right. Just give me, like, ten minutes. (grunts) COSTA: No fucking way, man! (Thomas groans) - This is your night. - Get off me! (CHUCKLES) INDISTINCT CHATTER Bro. It's Pamela. SMOOTH MUSIC (SLURPS) # You know we get down with all the cyber moms. # One of them told me I was hot right now like Tiger Balm. # One of them said, 'Larz, you a teen heart-throb ` # 'make my baby faint; make a tween's heart stop.' # (GRUNTS, RETCHES) Ewww. He's a bit of a grossie, eh? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) < (GRUNTS) Is that your friend? Him? (CHUCKLES) Nah. < (RETCHES) Ooh. (CHUCKLES) The only decision to make this lunch is whether your BK Stunner Meal should come with three crispy nuggets or a delicious sundae,... uh, or nuggets or su` No, nuggets. Burgers the way they're meant to be. COSTA: Cut the music! Cut it. - How's everybody doing? - (cheering) This is your host, Costa. I'm going to bring up my best friends, Thomas and J.B. Get your asses up here right now. Come on, move it. Move your asses. Come on, J.B. Move your fat ass. The reason you guys are here tonight is because it's Thomas Kub's birthday. And we're going to sing a little "Happy Birthday" for him. - (cheering) - COSTA: One, two, three. # Happy birthday to you # # Happy birthday to you # # Happy birthday, dear Thomas # # Happy birthday to you. # (cheering) Thanks, everybody, for coming. Let's get the music rocking! # Let's fucking lose it # # Get outta your mind # # Get outta your mind # # Get outta your... # Fuck, yeah! What's up with this bitch? Fuckers. Hey, baby, what's up? Want some of this? GIRL: Yeah! The fuck you guys looking at? (laughter) Oh! You got something to say? Buddy, what... what the...? - Oh! - (laughter) You fucking...! Let me go! Goddamn it! Hey, don't shut that! # Stomping shell toes # # Is that nigga dead? # Hey, have you seen Thomas? We're looking for him! Oh, well, when you find him, can you tell him I've got something for him? Jump in. THOMAS: You're breaking the rules, you know. Ew. (laughs) Why won't you get in with me? Um, it's just, like, I already went swimming once. Against my will. - (laughing) - (mutters) Oh! (laughs) So, Thomas, are you having fun? No. - Not at all? - Yes. You look pretty fucked-up. I'm- I'm- I'm... I'm a little fucked-up. But you look good. Have you gotten lucky at all? I'm pretty lucky right now. - Slow down, dude. - Fine. Give me that. Are you having fun at this party? I'm having so much fun. It's just that it's a small get-together. It should be basically chill. Yeah, look how fucking chill this is. It's no big deal. I mean, there's two DJs. That's not a big deal, right? - When do your parents get home? - I don't know. COSTA: J.B., get your fat ass up! There's a midget in the oven! - Let's go! Come on! - (laughter) - KIRBY: What? - THOMAS: What did he say? - What did he say? - I heard "midget in oven." (banging) COSTA: Out of the way! Move the fuck out of the way! - Move the fuck out of the way! - Watch it! - I'm so sorry, sir. - Fuck! I'm so s... Hey, hey. Wrong guy. Wrong guy. My God! Jesus! DAX: No. - Motherfucker! - (people groaning) Motherfuckers! You fucking cunt! Yo. Yo, yo, yo. Hey! Um, I just heard a rumor that all your balls got attacked by a midget. Is it true? Please, please, just tell me it is. I'm praying it fucking is. Dude, I can't believe I missed it. Look at your fucking pupils. I love you guys. (chuckles) No, seriously. Look, I realize I can be, like, a huge dick sometimes and... (sighs) ...I'm really sorry for that. It's okay. No, it's not. J.B., I'm sorry for buying you a bra on your birthday. That wasn't cool. It wasn't cool, man. And I'm sorry for all the times I called you Fat Fuck. Mm. Chubby Bitch. Yeah. Fudgy the Whale. Okay. And I'm sorry for that time at your brother's Bar Mitzvah where I told everyone you look like Rosie O'Donnell. 'Cause you don't. I don't. - Hey, guys? - What? Um... I hooked up with Kirby. I'm, like, really into her. 'Kay, seriously, Thomas, that's, you know, cool and all. But she's kind of always been around. It's like hooking up with J.B. But her tits are smaller. Hey. I'm just saying. Kirby's sort of like one of us. You know, tonight's about the girls we never had a shot at. Tonight's about changing the game. ("Heads Will Roll" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs playing) # Glitter on the wet streets # # Silver over everything # # The river's all wet # # You're all chrome # # The men cry out, the girls cry out # # The men cry out, the girls cry out, the men cry out # # Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no # # Off, off, off # # Off with your head # # Dance, dance till you're dead, dead # # Heads will roll, heads will roll # # Heads will roll on the floor # # Looking glass # # Take the past # # Shut your eyes # # You realize # # On... on-on-on the floor # # On, on the floor, on- on- on- on- on the floor # # On- on- on- on- on- on- on # # Dance, dance, dance, dance # # Off with your head # # Dance, dance till you're dead, dead # # Heads will roll, heads will roll # # Heads will roll... # It's crazy out there. I haven't seen Tyler in an hour. We were slightly out of our league on this mission. (door opens) Cool room. THOMAS: Thanks. It's a bit messy right now. Here, let me, uh... (music playing over speakers) So it's your birthday. Yeah. It's my birthday. Oh. # # (moans): Oh. Oh. (door opens) - Oh, my God! - Oh, God! Thomas? Oh, Kirby. - Fuck off! - I'm sorry. Hey, hey, Kirby. Thomas! What the fuck?! Asshole. God. (door creaks) EVERETT: Would you like a hand with that? How long have you been in there?! - Fucking shit! - What are you doing?! (fireworks whistling, dance music playing) (engine revving) Kirby! (engine revving) Oh, fuck! Oh, shit! (people chattering excitedly) (engine revving) Yeah! All right! # It's all right, it's all right # # To be mean, to be mean # # It's all right, it's all right # # To be mean, to be mean # # Oh, it's all right, it's all right # # To be mean, to be mean # # It's all right, it's all right # # To be mean, to be mean # # Oh, it's all right, it's all right # # To be mean, to be mean # # It's all right, it's all right # # To be mean, to be mean # # Oh, it's all right, it's all right # # To be mean, to be mean, it's all right # DAX: Oh, uh, Alexis, are you having a good time? No. I'm leaving. # It's all right # # To be mean, to be mean # # It's all right, it's all right # # To be mean, to be mean # # Oh, it's all right, it's all right # # To be mean, to be mean # (music continues faintly in distances) (phone ringing) DAD (recorded): Hi. You've reached the Kub residence. - Please leave a message. - (beep) DAD: Thomas, it's me again. - I'm fucked, dude. - I just got another call. I- I'm sure the neighbors are exaggerating. Please call me. Fuck. (phone ringing) (Wale's "Pretty Girls" plays) # What you sippin' on? It's no problem # # Black and gold bottles like I'm pro-New Orleans # # But shawty, I'm far from a saint # # But I got two Amex's that look the same way # # Wale, D.C., that's me, huh? # # My Prada say Prada and they Prada say Fila # # I ain't gotta tell ya they know about me, huh # # Come to D.C. and I can make you a believer # (fireworks whistle, pop) # ...ain't trying to lead you wrong, sugar, I need you # # So would you please listen to what I'm-a need from you? # # Live for tonight, before tomorrow's amnesia # # Girls, I ask them do they smoke # # Ask them... # Holy shit! It's fucking insane! (crowd cheering) (people chattering) Thomas, look at what we did. Epic. Is this big enough to be cool? Game changing. (helicopter flying overhead) Holy shit, it's the news. (crowd cheering) Dude, that's Thomas! CROWD (chanting): Thomas! Thomas! Are you hearing this? Thomas! Thomas! Thomas! Thomas! Thomas! This is your fucking party, man! You're right, dude. I needed this. Fuck, yeah! (crowd cheering) Look at me now, bitches! My party is the shit! My party is legendary! (crowd continues chanting) Watch this. Watch what? Are you kidding me?! Hey, all you bitches! (yells) (crowd cheering) Thomas, you crazy motherfucker! I love you! CROWD (chanting): Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Fuck that shit. I'm not jumping. Fuck that. (crowd continues chanting) To my family members, all my friends on Facebook... What? ...it's been a great ride. Costa, hold on to these. J.B., don't do it, man. You're way too fat. Shut up. Yeah! (crowd continues chanting) (hip-hop playing) Oh, my God! (screams) (air hissing) (crowd groans, music stops) J.B., you all right, man? J.B., you all right? (J.B. laughing) (crowd cheering) (laughing) This is Falcon One. I was just attacked by this really sexy woman. We've lost all control of the situation. The house was breached hours ago, chaos has spread to the streets, and the police are returning in force. We're clearly outnumbered. (people murmuring) (people groaning) (coughs) (panting) God, help us. (sirens wailing) (crowd clamoring) CROWD (chanting): Cops go home! Cops go home! Cops go home! Cops go home! OFFICER (over megaphone): This is the police. Disperse peacefully and immediately or you will be subject to arrest. (bottles shattering) (chuckles) (crowd clamoring, bottles shattering) - In need of immediate assistance. - Shit! Drive, drive, drive! (tires screeching) Requesting backup, all units. # Ass is fat as shit # # But the head so good # # Damn, a nigga glad he hit # # Got 'em jumping out the building # (yelling) # Watch out below, a million out the door # # I'm about to go HAM # # Hard as a motherfucker, let these niggas know who I am # # I'm about to go HAM # Holy shit! I jumped off the house on purpose. (chuckles) # Who I am, who I am # (clamoring) WOMAN (voice-over): Chaos has broken out in the Southland, where this normally quiet residential street has turned into anarchy. (clamoring) # These rappers rap about all the shit that I do really # # I'm like really half a billi, nigga, really # MAN: I'm being joined right now by Captain Reesman of the police department. We're gonna have to let this thing burn out before we even think about moving back in. - (crowd cheering) - Yeah! # Let these niggas know who I am # # Yeah, I'm about to go HAM # # Hard as a motherfucker, let these niggas know who I am # # Yeah, I'm about to go HAM # (screams) - Shit, that's my dad's car. - Shit, dude. - (horn honks) - Oh, shit. No, no, no! - (people screaming) - Holy shit! (crowd clamoring) Holy shit! # I'm about to go HAM # # Hard as a motherfucker, let these niggas know who I am # Are you kidding me?! # Yeah, I'm about to go HAM # # Hard as a motherfucker, let these niggas know # What are you doing?! What?! Fuck your car! (groans) Motherfuckers! Oh, my God, Thomas, we're fucked. I- I don't know how to fix this. I- I don't know how to fix any of this shit. I'm sorry, Thomas. I just wanted to get some pussy. (people screaming) All sorts ` and something's just happening right now. I've heard a commotion. (crowd clamoring) NEIGHBOR: Holy shit! What the fuck is that?! Whoa! OFFICER: Topside visual on subject... - Everybody, back! - Get those kids back! Fuck! Dax, come on! Get the fuck out of here! Move! Go! Shit! - Whoa! What the fuck, dude?! - Jesus Christ! - What the fuck?! - Get down! - Whoa! - Holy shit! Look out! Shit! What the fuck?! - (yelling) - Oh, my God. OFFICER: Subject is armed and active. MAN: Oh, my fucking God! REPORTER: Police are on scene in riot gear. SWAT officers are rushing forward. DISPATCHER: All units hold for SWAT team arrival. All units hold for... THOMAS: Fuck! COSTA: Holy shit, dude, it's T-Rick! Oh, what the fuck is he doing? Costa...! Give me back my fucking gnome! Well, let's give it back to him. Where the fuck is it? It was full of Ecstasy. Everyone ate it. Where the fuck is Costa?! Subject is advancing. Whoa, shit! Get this fucker! ...in the area, approach with extreme caution. - (officers shouting) - Put your hands in the air! Put your hands in the air! Put down your weap...! REPORTER: Police are now firing rubber bullets. Drop it, now! Whoa! Back up, back up! Get back! Suspect is firing at officers. Fuck this. Where the fuck are you going? - Get back here! - Dude, Thomas, no! Look, T-Rick, we can fix this. Okay, man? Fuck you! You burn me, I burn you! Thomas, get back here, dude! Costa, you motherfucker! Get back now! Go, go, go! - Shit! - Put down your weapon. - Now! - Take the shot! - (gunshots) - Get the fuck out of here! - Go! (grunts) Get back! Get back! THOMAS: Fuck. Oh, my God. OFFICER: ...still active and on the move. (people screaming) ...heading towards residence. Holy shit! (car alarms blaring) OFFICER (over megaphone): This is the police. Disperse immediately. My God. - Water drop inbound! - Disperse immediately or you will be subject to arrest. This is the police. Thomas, we got to get the fuck out of here! No, dude, I can't leave my house. The house is gone, man! - It's fucking over! - Oh, shit. - Where's Milo? - This is the police. OFFICER: Clear out! It's coming overhead! If you do not disperse... (people screaming, clamoring) - Go, go! - (dog barking) I- I hear him here. J.B., what the fuck are you doing?! The dog's not gonna be in that drawer! Hey, here he is! I got him! - Motherfuckers. - Come on, let's go! Move! (explosions) REPORTER: It's complete chaos out here. Police are using flashbang grenades to try and disperse this crowd. OFFICER (over megaphone): This is the police. Disperse immediately. If you do not disperse immediately, you will be subject to arrest. Disperse immediately. Go! Go! REPORTER: Police are now mobilizing and fire helicopters have been brought in. They're dropping water, trying to put this blaze out. (crowd clamoring) OFFICER: Scene in progress. 50 yards ahead of IC. Officers need assistance. Holy shit! - I'm sorry. - Tyler, I need you! Pull it together! (grenades exploding) Holy shit! Civilians 50 yards ahead on Dickens. ...officers engaged with riot... What the fuck is going on, man?! - Stay down. Stay down. - Fuck! - (screaming) - Shit! (barking) Milo! Dude, Milo. ROB: Hey, Oliver! Great party, buddy! You owe me a fucking tree, you piece of shit! All I know is I had a good time, you cock-sucking motherfucker! - This is your fault! - Fuck you, you little fucking punk! You know where you're going?! You're going to jail, you motherfucker! (screams) Yeah! That's my boys! Suck my dick, Robert! Suck my fucking dick! Run! Run! - (tires screeching) - Fuck! - Fuck! Shit! OFFICER: Black sedan. License pl... We've got a hit-and-run. Go, go, go, go, go! Run! Run! DISPATCHER: Unit 23, what's your status? Skirmish line, be advised, officer down, officer down. (sirens wailing in distance) EVERETT: He's home alone. He's been up all night, so he's probably gonna crash soon. We wait about an hour to make sure he's asleep, then we make our move. We'll go in through the back, break Rob's door down and torch the house. Yeah. The fuck are you talking about? Guy has a wife and a baby. You're not gonna burn his house down. He called the cops on us. He ruined everything. It's 6:00 in the morning, man. Let it go. It's over. Just go home. Uh, what about our money? The house is trashed. You're the worst security ever. You guys should go home, too. You gonna be okay, man? Yeah, I'm just gonna hang here with Milo for a bit. COSTA: All right. I'm gonna go home... have a good cry and start calling some lawyers. Thomas, whatever happens, man... that was one fucking hell of a night. Come on, J.B., let's bounce. You can go, too, Dax. DAX: Thanks, Thomas. I had a really fun time. You'll be all right. BEAN (voice-over): Hey, it's Kevin and Bean from the world famous KROQ. Can we please talk about this insanity in Pasadena last night? KEVIN: It looked like the greatest party I have ever seen. BIG BOY: Big Boy's Neighborhood. Beautiful day in the Neighborhood. It is going down. I mean, I don't know if you guys been seeing the news, man, but some cats had a party in Pasadena - and took this thing to the whole next level. - Crazy. I'm talking about, they trashed the neighborhood. - They trashed the house. - Shut it down. We heard that Kanye made an appearance there. - What? - Yeah. So if you were there at the party in Pasadena last night, hit us up because we're gonna be talking about it all morning long in the Neighborhood. I really am sorry. You said that already. D-Do you have any idea how much all this is gonna cost, Thomas? Y- Your college fund is gone, I can tell you that. - Yeah. Dad, I'm sorry. - Oh, you had so much going for you, and you just pissed it all away for one night? (sighs) I just didn't think you had it in you. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry I let you down. No. I, literally, didn't think that you had this in you. (sighs) So, uh, how many people were here? Uh... 1,500. Couple thousand, maybe. Wow. You should've seen it. (construction truck beeping) It was awesome. Well, you're still fucked, Thomas. (metal creaking) # La-da- da-da-da, it's the motherfucking D-O-double-G # # Snoop Dogg # # La-da-da-da-da, you know I'm mobbing with the D-R-E # # Yeah, yeah, yeah # # You know who's back up... # (music stops) Well, at least the van looks gangster now. Dude, don't even start, okay? My dad's making me drive it as punishment. That sucks. Yeah, and I'm being brought up on, like, six different charges. My mom hasn't stopped crying. We're living at a Courtyard Marriott right now. I'm basically on house arrest until my hearing. I'm definitely not supposed to be talking to you guys. My parents are convinced this is totally gonna be fucking my college plans. Your grades are fucking up your college plans. My dad got me a lawyer. Even that Jew thinks we're fucked. Thinks we could actually do time for this. Jesus. What about you, Dax? What did your parents say? DAX: Oh, I live alone, actually. You're really starting to fucking scare me. Yo, what up, Kub? BOY: Yo, what's going on, man? Oh, dude, that's him. (students murmuring) Hey, Costa. - Hi, Thomas. - Thank you. - Hey, guys. - Thank you. - Hey! - Yo! (chuckles) Yo, you guys, Thomas, that party was dope. Thank you, man. - No, thank you, man. - (students cheering) - You guys rock. - BOY: Yo, whassup? STUDENTS (chanting): Thomas! Thomas! Thomas! Kirby, wait. Kirby. Hey. Hey, look, uh, I just wanted to talk to you. There's nothing to talk about, Thomas. Wait. No, no. Please, can I just explain? It's not that complicated. What you did was really not cool. It really hurt me. Kirby, I'm really sorry about what happened. I didn't know how to handle it. (sighs) But I think I do now, and that's why I'm here. My life right now, it's- it's totally ruined. Okay? I practically burned down my whole neighborhood. Probably bankrupt my parents; I'll be in debt until I die. But the only thing that I care about fixing right now is this. So, I'm sorry. If you're still mad, I get it. But if you are talking to me by my next birthday, I'd really like to spend it with just you. (chuckles) Oh, you're... So, we're cool again? I never said you were cool. # # So, you know, this high school party in Pasadena that turned into a riot, right? The kid actually burned his parents' house down. Can you imagi` Do you know how many chores - it's gonna take to make up for...? - (laughter) He'll be taking the trash out nine times a day for the rest of his life. REPORTER: The person who caused the early morning fire and explosion here has survived his injuries... T-Rick: Costa...! We moved to a place like Pasadena to avoid stuff like this. Some asshole puked all over my front door. Do these kids even have parents? It's ridiculous, right? Have you seen the footage? ` let me tell you, I haven't seen that many teenage boobs since R. Kelly's birthday party. # I bought 15 cases # # For my house, my house # # All the furniture # # Is in the garage # # Well, Daft Punk is playing # # At my house, my house # # You got to set them up # # Kid, set them up # # You got to set them up # # Ooh, ooh, yeah # # You got to set them up # # Ooh, ooh, yeah # # You got to set them up # # Set them up # # And never, never let them go # # Downtown. # Joining us now, live, is one Pasadena teen who's recently drawn a lot of notice for throwing what people are calling possibly the most epic high school party of all time. Costa, before we begin, uh, is there anything that you would like to say to the viewers? In fact, I would. You said it was perhaps the most epic party of all time. It was the most epic party of all time. Okay. I was thinking more along the lines of an apology. Would you like to apologize? I got a better idea. How about I invite you to my next party? - What? - Yeah, you heard me, sugar-tits. Just make sure you wear something tight. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014