(BIRDS SQUAWK) IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 (WIND BLOWS) (REGAL MUSIC) (NARRATOR) 'Once upon a time, in an English castle far, far away, there lived a pampered personage by the name of... (GROANING) ..Prince. (BELL TINKLES) Alright, everyone, he's awake. Hurry! Hurry! Quickly. Right, are we all ready? Get the Carlyle log. 'Prince knew no other life than a life of luxury.' 'Oh, did I mention that Prince was a cat?' (Good morning, Prince.) (YAWNS) Your tea. (BRITISH ACCENT) Mmm-hm-hm! Brekky. I have your favourite dish. Carlyle log. Ah, lovely. (SLURPS) (PLEASURABLE GROANS) Super. Oh, it's good to be the king. 'On the other side of the world there lived an equally pampered cat 'who thought he was a king, 'but who ruled over a somewhat smaller domain.' Miaow. (GRUNTS) I'm the king of the cul-de-sac. That's what I'm talking about. Jon and I have everything I could ever want. Food in the fridge. Cable and satellite. And don't forget lasagne. That's right. It's good to be king. I want you to know, you're the most important thing in my life. Let me sleep, please. Before I met you, my life had no meaning. I was incomplete. Oh, you still are, really. I guess what I'm trying to say is,... will you marry me? Huh?! Marriage?! Well, this is kind of sudden. There may be some legal issues here. I like you, but not as a spouse. Maybe as a servant, stay together, make it work. So, what do you say,... Liz? Wait a second. Liz?! Liz?! Garfield! Liz is a girl. No, worse! She's a girl vet. (BELL DINGS) Turkey's ready. I think Jon has touched bottom now. Hmm. (GLASS BREAKS!) We gotta put an end to this torture. (QUIET, ROMANTIC MUSIC) Time for a new DJ. (LOUD, ROCK MUSIC) (SINGS) # Cat scratch fever # Uh-huh Cat scratch fev... # Ayyiieeee! Somebody take my temperature! Garfield! Uh-uh-uh! Whoa! (THUD!) (MUSIC STOPS) Man, you have changed. I can't have you messing this up for me. Oh, I get it. It's her. She doesn't like our music. Whatever happened to Jon? My metal-head guy. My dude. (DOORBELL) You were so much cooler when you wore a mullet. Now stay here. So much cooler. I suppose she likes this haircut. Coming! Tell me she likes it the way it is now. Hey, Liz. I have incredible news. Guess who's going to be speaking at this year's fundraiser for the Royal Animal Conservancy. Siegfried and Roy? Oh, come on. Just Siegfried? Jane Goodall dropped out, cos she's nursing a sick chimp, and they asked me. It's gonna be at this cool castle on a huge estate. Well, Liz, that-that's... I am flying to London tomorrow. Can you believe it? What?! I have to pack, and... Oh, are these rose petals and candles? Yeah, well, Liz, I have some... important news of-of-of my own. Er... Hey, me, too. (CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me, do you believe in love at first sight? I was hoping you'd say yes. You have made me so very, very cat-happy. Er... Well, come on. What's the news? The news is, I, er... (TOY SQUEAKS) I finally house-trained Odie. Really?! Yeah. That'd explain the petals. (BARKS) I have to pack. I'm so sorry about dinner. But I will send your regards to the queen. Congratulations on Odie. Oh, oh, yeah. And, hey, you, too. They're lucky to have you. Bye. Oh, I thought she'd never leave. You ate the whole turkey?! Well, yeah. What are you doing with this? Oh, never mind. It's too late. She's already off to - (BELCHES) Ooh! Good stuffing. Cheer up. I saved you the wishbone. There's nothing I can do. Sure there is. Return the ring and get your money back. Wait a minute. I'll go to London. Oh, you poor sap. She'll love it. She'll be surprised. Please don't do this. She'll say yes. Please, don't. I gotta go pack. You moron. This is a huge mistake, Jon. One of your biggest. Don't roam. Stay home. Odie and I are not just coming along for the ride. Ugh! (SPITS) This is actually an intervention. OK, guys. Here we are. (YAWNS) Oh, quick flight. We must have been in the jet stream. England is no great shakes. The buildings look like the kennel. That is the kennel back home. They'll never take me alive. They're gonna be fine, Jon. Yeah, yeah. Garfield's never stayed in a kennel before, so I'm afraid he might have some separation anxiety. No. He's probably fast asleep in his cage by now. You hear me, warden?! I have the right to remain silent! Anything I say can and will be held against me in a court of law! And I have the right to an attorney! And if I can't afford one, one must be provided for me by the court! Never mind! (THUD!) I just broke out. He likes a belly rub twice a day. If you could give him a pan of lasagne between each meal. Oh! Almost forgot Pooky. Can't be without Pooky. (BARKS) Oh, great. Just when things were looking up. Why don't you stay and get your fleas removed, get a brain transplant? (BARKS) OK, go away. Beat it. Hide beneath the wheels. Agh! You're ripping my fur! Ah! Get off. Get off. Get in! Get in! So you have my cell phone and you have the hotel number. I do. Bye. Airport, and step on it. Jon won't mind if I repack him. We're gonna need some room in this bag. (NARRATOR) 'Back at Carlyle Castle, a sombre affair was underway. Lady Carlyle had passed away, 'leaving uncertain the future of Prince and the other animals.' (SCOTTISH ACCENT) Keep still! They're reading Lady Eleanor's will. I've got a bad feeling about this. I can't watch. If Lord Dargis gets the estate, we're done for. Doomed! Shh! Quiet! 'To my devoted Smithee, I make thee caretaker of my estate.' 'Care for my beloved animal friends as you have in the past 'and you will always have a home at Carlyle Castle.' Thank you, madam. She's dead, Smithee. You can stop sucking up. 'The rest of my worldly possessions, my castle and surrounding grounds, 'I leave to the love of my life, somebody who was like a son to me.' Thank you, Aunt Eleanor. Oh, thank you. Please let me finish, Mr Dargis. I'm sorry. I always get a little ahead of myself. 'I leave all my possessions to my beloved kitty, Prince the 12th.' That's incredible! Entirely without precedent. This is what it says. But I'm her nephew, her only heir. She can't have left it all to a cat. I, Prince, the new lord of the castle? (ALL CHEER) Good show, Lady Eleanor. Oh, bless her heart. Can it be? We are delivered. Thank you, Winston. The will clearly states that you may stay on at Carlyle Castle and receive your usual stipend of, er,... 50 pounds a week. �50?! Upon Prince's passing, after what we assume will be a long and happy life, you will receive the castle, the land and your title. But that fat ball of fur could last for another 15yrs! Let us hope so. The castle was built over 600yrs ago by Lord Franklin Carlyle. The initial structure is late-medieval in style... In the west wing, we'll put the pool and spa. Where would the squash courts be? (CROWD) Oh, there he is! That's unbelievable! Oh, hello. Snap your photos. I can but spare a few moments - Buddy, do you mind stepping aside? I can't get a good shot of the cat. Greetings, all. Hello. So glad. May I remind you this is private property. Oh, relax, bro, it's not like you own the place. We shall see. (QUACK FANFARE) To all the royal subjects, I give you the new possessor of Carlyle Castle, Prince the 12th! To one and all, I pledge, from this day forward, to rule my kingdom with wisdom and valour. And as long as I reign, you shall continue to have safe haven here on the bountiful grounds of Carlyle. Thank you. That is all. Hip-hip! (ANIMALS) Hooray! Long live Prince! I think that went frightfully well. Don't you, Winny? Sire, I hasten to remind you that Lord Dargis has every reason to get rid of you. Oh, Winny, pooh-pooh. I'm his favourite kitty-cat. (REGAL MUSIC) (RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES) Hello, little Prince. What a beautiful day for a picnic. No, thanks. You just run along and enjoy yourself. What the devil...?! So it's hide-and-seek you want to play. Alright, I'll count to 100. (BARKS) Hello, Rommel. ..three, four, five,... ..35, 36, 37, 38,... ..96, 97, 98, 99, 100! Alright, fair warning. Ready or not, here I commmeee! (SPLASH!) Bon voyage, Prince. (CHUCKLES) Oh, dear me. I may have misjudged the old boy. Perhaps he is somewhat of a scoundrel. This is not the way one plays hide-and-seek. (CROW CAWS) # You say that you love me # Say you love me # All of the time # All of the time # You say that you need me # You say you need me # You'll always be mine # Always be mine # I'm feelin'... glad all over # Yes, I am glad all over # Baby, I'm glad all over # So glad you're mine # Oh, blimey! (SIGHS) Will that be all, sir? Oh, yes, thank you. Er... Thank you. Thank you, sir. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait! Erm,... how do I look? Lovely, sir?! I'm proposing to my girlfriend. She's staying just down the hall. I want to make sure I look... Well, let's see now. It needs a certain... Ah! May I, sir? There we are. Hugh Grant. Great. Could you deliver this to the girl in room 407? Of course, sir. Oh, and, er,... and this. Cary Grant, sir. (CHUCKLES) (KNOCK ON DOOR) Jon?! Hey! What are you doing here? It's just Fashion Week. Where else would I be(?) This is incredible. So, you're glad? Glad?! I'm thrilled. But London? I mean, did you come all the way here just for me? Yeah, it's nuts. In fact, I, er,... I want us to be together, er... (ZIP CREAKS) Odie! Come here! Oh, yeah. (GASPS) Air,... water,... lasagne. Garfield?! That's the hello I get?! 13 hours in a bag with a farting dog? They have quarantine laws here. Don't let Odie out of your sight. They might deport him. Deport Odie?! I like this country already. Oops! OK, I'm gonna need a litter box, a room service menu and the TV remote, and in that order. Anyone needs me, I'll be in my office. Where are my clothes? Cool! My very own cat tub. (SPLASH!) Gol-ly! (CAWS) (CAWS ECHO) Got it. Could have just come down and told me that. Listen up! Farmyard news flash! I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first? (ALL) The bad news. Lord Dargis just threw Prince in the river. (CONCERNED EXCLAMATIONS) OK, give me the good news. He was in a lovely picnic basket. (LAUGH) If he throws us in the river, we'll never survive. You're ducks, you can swim. Oh. I'm next in line for the throne. Uh-oh. This could get ugly. I have here a list of new rules of governance. I hardly think that's necessary. Rule number one - the barnyard animals congregate too close to the castle. We house pets need our space. You've got enough space, laddie, right between your ears. You take that back! I command you, as your new king. There's still a chance Prince may find his way back here. In the meantime, Claudius, you get into the castle and find out what Dargis is up to. I'm on it. I'm your mouse on the inside. I'll see what I can learn from my end. (LAUGHTER) I wanna do something more cultural. You're cold. (BARKS) Getting colder. You're an icicle. You're frozen stiff. Let's remind ourselves what we're looking for. It's a hamburger. A squeaky hamburger. (SQUEAKS) We take a walk through Hyde Park - Excuse me?! We walk?! Then we stroll down the incredibly cultural Piccadilly. (LAUGHS) Stroll?! And then, boom! Carnaby Street. Aren't we 40 years too late? (BRITISH ACCENT) No, luv. That's where all the swingin' birds are. Then we are definitely going to the British Museum. (GAGS) Any cuter, I'm gonna need a barf bag. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? I'm security, pal. (ODIE BARKS) Just protecting you from yourself. You've caused enough trouble today. You have food, water and company. Which one is he? Be good. Jon, you're delirious. Be careful! She's a man-eater! Oh, no. He's under her spell. (BARKS) OK, Odie, I'll give you one small clue. (SHOUTS) It's not in there! Prince? (SIGHS) Where is that cat? Prince! Prince! (DISTANT GUNSHOT) Prince! Pull! (GUNSHOT) Sir, have you, by any chance, seen Prince? I can't seem to find him anywhere. Oh, dear! You mean our little orange bundle of fun is missing? Pull! (GUNSHOT) Crikey! The man's got a cannon! And he's pointing it at us! We're sitting ducks! Careful, sir. You wouldn't want to injure the creatures. Run away! Of course not. That would make me some kind of monster. I've an errand for you. Could you go to London and pick up my new suits? Oh, very good, sir. Pull! Can you imagine taking a nap on that table? Just lie there for hours and shed. 'The queen's corgis, Milly and Tillie, returned from their world cruise aboard Her Majesty's yacht.' 'They are said to have suffered seasickness, but are back to eating 'the finest calf's liver.' Oh, boy, must be sweet. My tummy's upset. May I have some liver? Boy, I wish Jon was a queen. (KNOCK ON DOOR) 'Housekeeping.' Time to bust out and catch up with Jon. First, let's grab some chow, before I eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Sorry, we left a bit of a mess in the bathroom. Thanks. Alright, keep your eyes peeled for a goofy-looking guy with a map. They're not up here. I'm coming down! (BARKS) Hup, hup, hup, hup! Hee-yah! Jon? Jon? Jon? Where's Waldo? Take the picture. Take the picture. Take it! Take it! Take the picture! Halt! Right face! Excuse me. Did you see a couple of people who look like tourists? Oh, I know this drill. They won't crack up, no matter what you do. Hey, your knee's on fire. Hmm. I know I can get this guy. No, seriously, your zipper's down. Hey, Dry Goods. Yeah. Anybody ever tell you you look like Tina Turner? That was effective. 'Her Majesty, the Queen of England!' What's all the hubbub? Attention! Hup! Hey, Odie, look, it's those royal corgis. Hey, lady, you got any leftover liver? Stuck-up little punk. Oh, I know she heard us. They had the top down. Odie? Odie? D'uh-oh! Odie, no! Don't do the ugly American thing! The British are coming! The British are coming! Well, you made him crack anyway. (GUARD GROWLS) Eww, disgusting! It's so smelly down here. I must get out. Hello? Someone help a chap? (GROANS) I'm in the sewer. This is hopeless. We'll never find Jon. Face it, Odie, nobody cares whether we live or... (BARKS) (TYRES SCREECH) (SCREAMS) (HEAVES SIGH OF RELIEF) Prince, I've found you. Oh, dear. Why is it the weird ones always go for the cat and not the dog? Odie, help, please. (WHIMPERS) Is that a cologne or a disinfectant? I got you a treat, minced pie. Odie, call a cop. I mean, bobby or jimmy. Never mind, Odie. Don't bother. There's a pie here. (DEEP VOICE) I'll be just fine. (BARKS) (WHINES) Dear heavens! That was absolutely the most horrifying... But I'm alive. I'm alive! And... covered in filth. Here, here. I must return to my throne. (BARKS) What ho? (WHIMPERS) Oh, indeed. Seeing me in this state must be shocking. I've lost my bearings. You must lead me with all due haste to the castle at Carlyle. But first, I require a bath. (SNEEZES) Here, come on. Do you expect me to lick myself? Garfield?! Odie? What are you doing here? Garfield? What the devil is a Garfield? What am I going to do with you guys? Do you know how bad I would feel if I lost you here? From now on, I'm not letting you out of my sight, OK? Why is it the weird ones always go for the cat and not the dog? Eww! Bath time for you, buddy. That's the best news I've heard all day. The dog's not very bright. Where are you taking me? Is it somewhere lovely? Prince is missing?! (BOTH) Missing?! This is a rather sudden development. Well, actually, it's quite common. In the absence, or in this case, the death of an owner, it can be quite confusing and disorienting to a cat. Let's face it, they have brains the size of a gum ball. (LAUGHS) All the same, this seems rather fishy to me. I don't particularly care what it seems to you. Legally, since he is gone, the title of the Carlyle estate falls to me. Am I not correct? Er, yes, very well. Goodbye. He's up to something. He's got some plan for the estate, and I want to find out what. should come with three crispy nuggets or a delicious sundae,... uh, or nuggets or su` No, nuggets. Ah, Miss Abby Westminster, I presume. Lord Dargis, an absolute pleasure. Hello. I'm so pleased you've shown such an interest in our little enterprise. My investors are very interested. Cheers, dear. To a long-lasting business relationship. To Carlyle Resort and Spa. Allow me to introduce you to my dream. What's this? State-of-the-art spa, meditation garden and, of course, luxury condominium. But what of the woodland and barnyard areas? Allow me. If you would... Oh, very clever. No woodland, no barnyard area. Whoosh! Gone! So, what will you do with all the animals? Let's just say those we don't chase off, we will serve up to the guests. (EVIL LAUGHTER) I must alert the others at once! Bus driver, pull it over. I got a pie belch coming that might break your windows. (BELCHES) (GROANS) Come on, Prince. Yeah, yeah, I used to be known as Prince. Now you can just call me Gar-Gar-Gar ...field. Wow. Get a load of this dump. Thanks. No pet door, huh? Holy cow, I can hear my footsteps! Mom?! Dad?! I'm home! Hmm?! Your Highness! You talking to me, froggy? It's me, your trusty servant, - Winston. Hey! Warning - I don't fight fair. I scratch and I bite. It's alright, sire. All is well now. You're home. Home?! What, retirement home? Is this an insane asylum? Am I being kidnapped? (LAUGHS) Very funny, sire. Your loyal subjects await you. They need to be comforted by your words. Hey, trust me, windbag, there's no way I'm going to give a speech to a bunch of strangers. Following your words, a royal feast. I'll just do a tight two minutes. See if that will calm them down. Oyez! Oyez! Prince the 12th has returned. (QUACK FANFARE) Thank you, windbag, for that slobbering introduction. Hello, everybody! (SILENCE) Hey. Listen up. Oh. Is this an audience or a landscape? (DRUM ROLL) OK. Great to be back here at the palace. I look out and I see a sea of dumb barnyard animals. I'm here in your country to break up a romance between, er, you know, the guy who owns the house I live in and a girl who is out of his league. I know that whatever it is that you have, some sort of affliction that produces this glazed look behind your eyes, I hope you defeat it. I wish I could take every one of you home with me. Thank you. I killed. Very funny, sire. Well done. I didn't realise it was amateur hour. What's up with Prince? Oh, he's on the catnip again. Hold on! Have I got news for you! What's the word, Claudius? Dargis's gonna bulldoze the barnyard and feed us to the tourists. Let him try. He'll have to deal with these fists of fury. (ANGRY CHATTER) Calm yourselves, everybody. We're alright as long as Prince is alive. Well, obviously that feline is not Prince, you idiots. He's not even the cat formerly known as Prince. (CHATTER) He doesn't have to be Prince. He just has to look like him. If he fooled me, he'll fool them. But what's to stop Dargis from getting rid of this cat, too? McBunny is right. We must protect this cat at all costs. Our fates rely on it. Mr and Mrs Jon Arbuckle. Liz Arbuckle. Elizabeth Arbuckle. (GARGLES) Listen. There's been a coup d'etat. Attempted murder most foul. I am Prince the 12th of Carlyle. You there, with the wise and thoughtful look. Helloooo! Convince this man there's been a mix-up. I want you to be in my wedding party. Wedding party?! You can hold a basket of flowers. Enough with the grooming, you dunce. My subjects face mortal jeopardy. Dog, approach. We must plan my escape. I'm relying on your expedience and cunning. (GROWLS) Okey-dokey. New plan. Call my pumpkin, windbag. I'm ready to roll. Roll? Where to? You know, to the hotel, to Jon. Your master, the one who's leaving you for his new wife? He's not leaving me. It's more of a... temporary insanity thing. Your master's started a new life. It's time for you to begin yours. Come on, I wanna show you something. Do have any idea what runs through your veins? Yesterday's dinner, I guess. Royal blood, sire. You are the long-lost heir to the Carlyle throne. (LAUGHS) You kill me. These are your ancestors, dating back 400 years. Mine? Wow. Like, I'm a royal cat? Well, of course. Anything you need is only a flick of your tail away. A flick of my tail, huh? So, if I said, drool on your foot...? Not bad. How about roll over and whistle Dixie? (WHISTLES DIXIE) How's that? Nice. Alright. Tough one. Jump up and touch the ceiling. How's that, sire? You don't get up there too high. I give you your royal bedchamber. I could do some snoozing here, yeah. Even a king needs a catnap. Get up! Get down. Get up! This baby is spring loaded. Why do you think they call me... Highness? (ECHOES) Are you alright? Sire?! (THUD!) The royal trapeze? That is how you ring, sire. You pull it whenever you require something. And what is that? Your playhouse. Oh, I needed a playhouse. I've got a house inside of a house. Does this castle make my butt look a little too big? Fits you like a glove. (FARTS) Oh, blimey! Pardon. Well struck, sire. Good tone, smooth finish. You took that in the best spirit. Shall we have a look in the kitchen? Did I hear you say... the kitchen? Here we are. I present your cookery. All mine?! Every morsel, down to the last crumb. OK. Alright. You can just call me... Your Highness. # Moving on up # Moving on up # To a castle # Moving on up # With lots of servants all # Doing my will # I got me a life # Moving on up # Without hassle # Moving on up # Sir Garfield is the king of the hill # I sleep on a bed that's real fluffy # I eat from a plate made of gold # They feed me until I get stuffy # My pasta never gets cold # All of my devoted subjects # They know it's all about me # Folks are so loyal to this cat who is royal # They call me Your Majesty # Moving on up To a castle # Moving on up # Lots of servants # Doing my will Got me a life # Moving on up # Without hassle # Moving on up # Sir Garfield is the king of the hill # Just drop that anywhere. (CRASH! / TRAY CLATTERS) I'll give it to you straight. It's disappointing. Your doughnuts don't have holes, and your coffee's so weak, it looks like tea. I don't suppose, Miss Westminster, you could find time in your busy life for a wealthy duke. (LAUGHS) Lord Dargis, I'm afraid I'm taken. As I am myself... by you. (LAUGHS) Oh, don't mind me. I'm just an incorrigible old... Cat! What?! Nothing, nothing. Nothing at all. Gosh, is that the time? Time, I've always said, flies like an arrow. Don't be afraid to just show up and bring some of those investors, those lovely investors. We'll throw a party. Cheerio! Ah, Smithee, did I see Prince in here? Isn't it remarkable? I found him wandering the streets of London. Indeed. Extraordinary. And where is the little fiend,... (COUGHS) ..fellow at the moment? Oh, I'm sure I don't know, sir. I'll maybe take a little look-see. Make him welcome. Yes, sir. Look at this room, for example. How would you liven this place up? But, sire, this castle is centuries old. It's a museum. It's boring. And you know what's missing when your crib is a museum? It's called fun! Fun? It's not that hard. You got to get a running start at something this dull. This is gonna end so badly. (SCREAMS / CRASH!) Oops! It was already cracked. Nothing escapes you, does it, sire? Yeah. I like the way this feels. You just slide, baby! Whoa! (CRASH!) D'uh-oh! That one was cracked as well. Oh, I can relax. Oops! What the...?! Ooh! Oof! Smithee! Get this thing off of me! Let's go try another room. Good idea, sire. Yes, yes. I've got the deed and the paperwork in order. We'll be out there on Monday. Monday?! But... I need more time. More time? More time for what? Er,... n-n-nothing. Nothing. That'll be fine. We'll be there Monday, unless, by some miracle, Prince returns. We can only hope. (SNAP!) (SCREAMS) What's the news? Dargis is sure to make a move on the cat. The solicitors will be here Monday. Right. Good work. 'Careful. That's high-grade American cardboard you're tossing around.' Beautiful, fellas. Hang the plasma right over the Slip'N'Slide. Sire, a word. Jowls, my man. Guess what your enlightened, all-powerful ruler has brought to the castle? Oh, I can't wait to hear this. Don't tell me. A Renaissance painting. Foosball, you know? Foosball! F-F-Foosball? He thinks it's a pub. Just because we don't have opposable thumbs doesn't mean we can't play. Yes, sire, but I feel your life is in danger. Listen, Winnebago, if I may call you that, when history speaks of me, and she will, I want to be remembered as the Party Prince. As you wish. You chaps know me. I'm no snob. Right? But this cat is too much. He's an embarrassment. He's a disgrace to the furry race. 'My pillow isn't soft enough. My TV remote won't work.' Don't get your knickers in a twist. I know he's a pain, but we just got to keep him safe till Monday. (QUACK FANFARE) Huh?! My loyal and fragrant subjects, please. Thank you. Briefly, I hate Mondays. Hate 'em! I decree, from this day forward, there will be no more Mondays. (ALL) What?! Today is Tuesday, then. Happy Tuesday, everybody. I think he's lost it. Like I said, we just gotta keep him safe till Tuesday. Hello, Rommel. Ah-ha-ha! I have a present for you. Prince's favourite pillow. (BARKS) Sniffy, sniffy, Rommel. Sniffy, sniffy. Oh, bad pillow! Ooh! Kill kitty. Kill kitty. (LAUGHS) Oh, what a clever boy. Eat the cat. Yum, yum, yum. I think you're ready. Uh-oh, here comes trouble. Eat the pussycat. Operation Feline Protection under way. I'm on it. Woo-hoo! (BARKS) Oops! Here, kitty, kitty. Come to Rommel. Where are you, my little furry friend? Hello, Rommel. Eat kitty. No, no kitty, Rommel. But we have something better to chew on. No kitty? That's right, no kitty. Bring Lord Dargis's new trousers, please. Pig, the trousers! Er, trousers. Thank you, Sam. And now, Rommel, how about a nice tug-of-war? Yeah. (BOTH SNARL AND GROWL) (RIPPING SOUND) Ooh! Lord Dargis better watch out next time Rommel's on the loose. Yes, I'd like to speak to Miss Westminster, please. Hello, Rommel. Did we enjoy our little snack, then, hmm? Trousers! Ah, Miss Westminster... (SHOUTS) Trousers! Care to pop over and have a little... (SCREAMS) 'Oggy! Oggy! Oggy!' (ALL) 'Oi! Oi! Oi!' Oggy! Oggy! Oggy! (ALL) Oi! Oi! Oi! (CHEERING) Isn't this fantastic? Yeah. Who ordered the pasta? The kitty. Oh, good Lord! What gruel is this? (BARKS) Quite right, old boy. They must have given me yours. Since when do you say no to lasagne? You do realise I'm a cat, don't you? He doesn't seem like himself. He's probably jet lagged. I suppose I should force down a bite to keep up my strength. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been kind of anxious to... a bite to keep up my strength. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been kind of anxious to... (LOUD CHEERING) Why am I clapping? I'm sorry. What were you saying? Oh, spot on. Never have I tasted its equal! (SPLOSH!) Eww! Oh, Garfield, that's gross! (LAUGHS) Please, sir, may I have some more? Ugh! Does a Great Dane live here? It's a Carlyle log, a savoury of liver and spleen served in a sleeve of sheep's intestines. And you're supposed to eat it? What is this, Fear Factor? Intestines?! Spleen?! I'm the king, right? Prince, actually. Same difference. I rule, yes? Yes, Your Highness. Great. Then feed this to the humans and just bring me a piping hot dish of lasagne, OK? I'll see to it at once, sire. Now it says we add the ricotta cheese. (QUACKING) Ducks! You're supposed to sift the flour, not sit in it! Don't yell at us. We're not the ones who drank all the cooking sherry. (HICCUPS) # The female ferrets sing this song # Nigel, oohh Nigel, ha-ha-ha # The female ferrets can't be wrong # What the heck is...?! (SPLAT!) That was close. Slip in the eggs, ooze in the tomatoes. Stir it up in a bowl and let the bowl sizzle... Hold it right here, all you animals. What goes on here? We're preparing the royal lasagne. Unless you prefer another dish. Did you say 'dish'?! Lasagne's not a dish, windbag. It's a way of life, a state of being. Man's one perfect achievement. What did the Indians serve to the Pilgrims? Lasagne. What did Marie Antoinette scream to the rabble? 'Let them eat lasagne.' What did Neil Armstrong say when he landed on the moon? 'That's one small slice of lasagne.' It's not a dish. It's the stuff of dreams. It's the food of the gods. It's what's for lunch. Yeah, well, the problem is, it seems we've mucked it up. You just need a little guidance, that's all. # 'Pump It' - Black Eyed Peas Where's the flour? Who's got it? I need a mixing bowl. One large mixing bowl. And someone to mix it. Thank you. (SNEEZES / COUGHS) Much obliged. Sheba, did you remember to wash your hooves? Ladies, thank you so much. Strike! Strike! Strike! A little outside. (GRUNTS) Step on it, will you? I need that dough. (SQUEAKS) Yeah, we'll need about a half a pound of this. What are barnyard animals doing in the kitchen? Leave at once. This is against castle health code. Getting hot in here. Turn on the exhaust fan. What are you doing? Get away from there! (SHRIEKS / BANG!) Sorry! Proof more accidents happen in the kitchen than any other room. Where did that big ball of dough go? All I see are magnificent ribbons of perfection. Yo, it's lasagne, not shish kebab. Taste that. Is that too sweet for you? (GRUNTS) One time. (GRUNTS) Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ugh! (MUFFLED) Here comes the parsley. Bring it in. Bring it in. Back, back, back, back, back. Good! We need somebody with a hard head. Thank you. (SIGHS) It's out of our hands now. (INHALES) (EAT HUNGRILY) This lasagne's fabulous! That's a bit of alright, that is. Those Italians got it right. Mmm! Oh! Two cheeses. That is delicious! Yeah, not bad on short notice. It's beautiful! What'd I tell you? If you'd just let me be your king and lead you. Any more? One more piece. Would anyone mind if I...? It's mine! I would! Move! Easy, easy! Hold up a moment! It's mine! Uh-oh! (ALL ARGUE) Please, I command you. (PLATE BREAKS) Leave room for dessert. (DARTS COMMENTARY ON TV) Oh, heavens. I fear there was something urgent to which I was supposed to attend, and yet I can't for the life of me begin to recall what it was. (GIGGLES) You really like it? I do. It's great. Thank you. Let me see. I gotta go. Are you sure I can't go with you to this castle tour thing? It's a Conservancy function for speakers only. The woman who owned the place was a big animal lover. You hang with the guys. Odie could use a walk, Garfield could use... ..some serious ab work. (LAUGHS) Anyway, I'll be back soon. Have fun, boys. My entire world seems to revolve around napping, television and lasagne. Still, I'm plagued by a vague notion of a duty unfulfilled. Oh, well. Back to sleep. (YAWNS) What is it, Woof-Woof? 'Castles of England'? Good Lord! There it is! Carlyle Castle on the Upper Thames. Oh, brilliant, Odie. All this time, I took you for... well, a complete simpleton. Now destiny calls. To the battlements! Sound the horns! For king and country! Farewell, my loyal squire. The legend cont... (GASPS) What ho! (SCREAMS) (THUD!) Garfield?! OK, sore bottom, a little disoriented, but undeterred. Garfield! Now, which way is the river? (SNIFFS) I think this way. 'Garfield!' Sorry, Jon. Oh, here it is. Now one needs some kind of conveyance. (HORN BLASTS) Oh, hello. Oh, it's an awfully long way down, but I must, and I shall, and I... (SCREAMS) Ow! Rommel, it's really quite simple. Er...? Me, Prince. Prince, me. Provider of food. Food. Right, governor. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm! Yum, yum. Kill... Kitty! Attaboy, Rommel! There you go! Well done! That's the spirit! Bad boy! Bad boy! Get along! (GROANS) Smithee. How are you? Do me a favour. Have that polished. There's a good chap. So, what's on your mind, Smithee? Er, Mr Hobbs's office called. Are the solicitors convening again, sir? It's nothing at all, Smithee. Papers to sign. You know, boring. Incidentally, when did you last have a holiday, Smithee? Holiday, sir? I can't remember. Seriously, man? What an embarrassing oversight on my part. I insist you have a week's holiday, starting today. Oh, I don't know. I don't think - Smithee, I won't hear a word of it. I can just see you cycling in the Dordogne, fighting the wild boar in Tristan da Cunha. Farewell, wind to your sails and bon voyage. Well, then,... thank you, sir. What am I going to do? How am I supposed to find Garfield? London's really... big. (BARKS) I don't care about some alien love baby. I'm worried about Garfield. (BARKS) Odie, you know what? You're being a real... 'Lady Eleanor of Carlyle has left her entire estate to her beloved cat, Prince the 12th.' Maybe someone mistook this cat for Garfield. Odie, come on. Come on! The Venetian crystal chandeliers in this room were commissioned by the Third Earl of Carlyle in the late 18th C. Here we have several family portraits painted by the Dutch master Van Dyck. These are amongst the many treasures to be found at Carlyle. (SINGS) # Rule Britannia Britannia catches waves # Huh?! (VOICES) 'Preston, calm yourself. We're only doing what is best for everybody.' 'How much longer must we sustain this charade?' I can't believe this cat is so stupid as to think he's royalty. Well, he does, and house cat or not, we need him. Wha...?! House cat?! Just have a little patience. Patience? Ha! Admit it, Winston. This buffoon couldn't groom the paws of a real king. Buffoon?! (SAD GUITAR MUSIC) Golly, this is without a doubt my all-time crummiest moment. Huh?! Jon. Man! I've been such a stupid, selfish cat. (SNIFFS) I've lost my friend. I've got to find him. The original medieval kitchen has stood on this site since 1485... Yes, yes, it's big. It's old and it's musty. Please meet the tour group from the Royal Animal Conservancy. Oh! By all means, save the little darlings. That's my motto. Big fan of Free Willy, Born Free, all the 'Free' movies. Bravo! Now off you go. If you come this way, we'll visit some of the underground passages. Hello. Welcome to Carlyle Castle, my dear. Thank you. It's, it's beautiful. Well, that makes two of you. I abhor fox hunting. Unless, of course, in self-defence. Bye. If I may,... er, one question, er... Liz. Oh, the same as our own dear queen. Cordial? One question, Liz. Liz?! What would you say if I were to donate one of my priceless oil paintings to your conservancy? Erm, thank you? But how would you say it? That royal sleaze is hitting on Liz. Perhaps you would consider dining with me tonight? Nobody hits on my best friend's girlfriend... and succeeds. Yoo-hoo! Mr Pinata-Head. You! Me?! Excuse me for one moment. Mi castle es su castle. Ah-ha! Your nine lives are up! (DOORBELL) (GARFIELD) 'No, not now!' Good Lord, do these people never sleep? 'Oh, why now?' Ah, Mr Hobbs, punctual as usual. Just taking out the rubbish. Won't be a jiffy. 'Oh, please! OK, you got me.' '(WHIMPERS) Oh, please!' 'I'm so weak.' 'And... you're so strong, so powerful. Ugh!' 'You creep!' There's more than one way to skin a royal cat. I'm not a royal cat! I'm a self-centred house cat! Hey! Wait! (MACHO VOICE) You think I'm going to crack in here? Nuh-nuh. No. This is gonna be a treat. I'm finally gonna have some quality alone time. I'm gonna write that novel I've been putting off. I'm gonna learn a couple of foreign languages, start a work-out regimen. I'm gonna lose all this. Get myself in top physical condition. Thank you! Yeah! Ha-ha! I love it here! You've done me an enormous favour! Who's laughing now? (LAUGHS) TEXT ALERT CHIMES (CHUCKLES) should come with three crispy nuggets or a delicious sundae,... uh, or nuggets or su` No, nuggets. (GROANS / YAWNS) Oh, it's nice to get away from the urban sprawl. 'Carlyle, 28 miles.' Going my way? (GRUNTS) Piece of cake, really. So we make a left up ahead. (BARKS) Oh. Right turn. Thanks, buddy. I'm afraid there's just no sign of him. Really? Well, then... let's make it official. Well, if we must, we must. There's the time I got hit by that car, the time that I ate that six-day-old halibut. Hey, that's only seven lives. I got two more. Alright, I'm gonna get out of this. Bingo! Winston and I have come to your rescue. Did you hear my stomach growling? No, but we heard your tiresome monologue. Bad halibut, indeed. Let's get you out of here, Your Royal Highness. Winster. The solicitors are here. We have to move quickly. Huh! Er, then we luncheon, Your Royal Highness. Yeah, you can drop that shtick, drool boy. I heard you and the bird. How about the house cat part? I loved that. Aw, alright, alright. So we weren't exactly honest. We had to do it. What would you have done? Save your breath, chubby cheeks. I shall abdicate my throne and return to my TV chair. You were our only hope. The only hope of the hopeless. What do they want, blood? I've been eating and sleeping my heart out for these animals - still not enough. Like I'm not as good as a royal cat could be. Huh?! Hmm. (LIGHT AND FLOATY MUSIC) Hmm. (SPRAY SQUIRTS / GLASS SQUEAKS) (BREATHES) (GROANS) Ah-ha! I so knew you weren't me. And you must be Garfield. How do you know my name? I've lived your life for the past few days. Yes, if ever a man loved a cat, it's your Jon. Return to him, Garfield. Return to your home. Your Highness, you don't have to tell me twice. Bye-bye. Sire, thank heavens. You've returned. Thank heavens. It's the real prince! The genuine article. Yes, my friends, I have returned to you at this, our darkest hour. So, Winny, what exactly is Lord Dargis up to? He intends to level our homes and kill us all. OK. (CLEARS THROAT) Well, in that case, I decree that we pack our bags and get our scraggy bottoms out of here. Perhaps to the castle next door. Oh, boy! What?! Well, that was inspirational. Brilliant. I am so fired up. I have to believe we can do better. I thought you were leaving. Hey, button the beak, Fruit Loops, or I'll stick that thing on backwards. Look, Lord Doofus is just another bully. And what do we do to bullies? We run from them. No, we don't leave. We stand and we kick royal butt. Trust me, if you beasts can bake a two-cheese lasagne, you can beat Dargis. Well, do you have a plan, Garfield? For the duration of this battle, I would prefer to be called G-Cat. And 'we' have two plans. Oh, teamwork. Oh, yes, yes. Hey, girly dog! (SNARLS) Yeah, you girly girl! You're such a silly sissy dog! (BARKS) Go! Go! The game is afoot. Sissy, silly dog. (BARKS) You don't move so good, bozo! Uh-oh! Here, kitty-kitty. Yoo-hoo! Oh, Mr Stinky Dog. Hey, loco. Oh, no! Run away! Oh, yay-yip-yip-yahoo! Yahoo! Yow-yow-ya-ya-yip-yip-yip-yahoo! The loss of Prince,... I'm not quite sure that... any of us will ever get over it. Prince and Carlyle Court were... one. Sometimes it's almost as if his... spirit was still... His spirit's still what? ...still ro-roaming the grounds. I wonder if you could excuse me for a little... I won't be long. He's a bit of a tool, don't you think? (DOORBELL) Yes? Lord Dargis. Am I early? Only just, Miss Westminster. Only just. Please, please. Please. I was just finishing something. I wonder if you'd like to wait in the library. Make yourself at home. Have a seat. Thank you. Tally-ho! On the other hand, this simply won't do. Smithee's been painting again. I can't smell anything. Oh, you never can, my darling. Next thing you know, you're salsa dancing in your knickers. I won't be long. Ah! Mr Dargis, will we be starting sometime today? Absolutely, Mr Hobbs. Hello again. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? Matter with what? You screamed. No, I didn't. Why don't you adjourn to my study? (BROOKLYN ACCENT) Dargis! I got two words for youse. Mia-ow. Come here, you! Oh, no, you won't do. I specifically requested a feline masseuse. (SCREAMS) Ugh! (SCREAMS) Somebody get this thing off of me! Hey, bozo! (GROWLS) Yeah, you, buster! Hey! (YELLS) Stupid, red-haired, flea-bitten... Whoa-aah! Ow! Ooh! (GROANS / COUGHS) Lord... What is...? What is that? I felt a slight chill. A simple wrap is just the ticket. There! There what?! There is absolutely no reason why you can't have a cool, refreshing drink to make you feel calmer in this steamy weather. Wait in there. Stupid cat! Nobody makes an idiot out of me. Ooh! (THUD!) (GROANS) Upsadaisy. Medic! Well done, old man. Thank you. Never seen a welcome mat on the way out. Get your cameras ready, ladies. Come back here, you flea-bitten monster! Oops! Oh, no! (TAUNTING WARBLE) Ooh! Trousers! (SCREAMS) (SCREAMING / BARKING) Trousers! Target sighted! Shaken him off. Pull! Take that! (CLAYS BREAKS) And that! (SCREAMS) Down a bit. Down a bit. Up. Bob's your uncle! Good Lord, it's a conspiracy! Oh, dear. Trousers! (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Life's better together. Join Vodafone on a monthly plan, and if you don't love our network within 30 days, we'll give you your money back. That's our network guarantee. Smithee! Excuse me, sir. Is that Carlyle Castle? It is. Maybe you can help me. Have you seen a cat that looks like this? Oh, yeah. That's Prince, the cat of Carlyle. (ODIE WHIMPERS) It's also Garfield, the cat of the cul-de-sac. You have a cat that's Prince's doppelganger? No, I'm saying they look exactly alike. And they may have gotten mixed up. I see. There you are, man. Good God! What happened to your clothes? Indeed, it's been that kind of day. Mr Dargis, I demand an explanation. I had no choice. The cat just won't die. What did you say? You will sign the deeds over to me, cat or no cat. Oh, my! Mr Hobbs, you were right. Lord Dargis was willing to go to any lengths to get the estate. I can see you're busy. Young lady. Get over there. Traitress. You were working with them all along! Odie! Odie, wait for me! Odie! Get on with it! Hello, everyone. Sorry I'm late. Shall I ring for tea? Well, it's Prince, and he's alive! I am bushed. All this running-for-my-life stuff. What say we break for lunch, take a quick nap and pick it up later? There are two of you little monsters, hmm? For those of you keeping score at home, that's 18 lives. This is unbelievable! Two cats?! No matter. I have plenty of ammunition. Aah! (CRUNCH!) Something's biting me! (SCREAMS) Odie, let him go! Help! Oh! Your lunatic dog just bit my bottom! (ROAR WITH LAUGHTER) Alright. Well played, you. Hey, look, it's Little Jon. Good show, old man. I'll go quietly. Jon? Liz? What's going on? Well, hello, my dear. Hello. And not a moment too soon. (PEOPLE GASP) (CATS) Uh-oh! Is this part of the tour? Let her go. All in good time. Now if you'll be so kind. OK, stay calm. OK? Mr Hobbs, the papers, please. I've seen enough. Want to call in your weasel? Sic him, Nigel. Oi! I'm a ferret. And I mean business, trouser-leg business! Ooh! (SCREAMS) I'll take a leg, please. On second thought, I'll have some white meat. Good Lord! There's a wild animal in my trousers! (HUMS) Er, who's next then, eh? Glass jaw. He can dish it out, but he can't take it. That was amazing! Are you OK? Yeah, I... I never felt better. Well done, Garfield. I was rooting for you the whole time. Did you hear something? Yes, one did. I'm here to discuss my new position in your... (SHRIEKS) There he is, gentlemen. Come along. There's a good boy. It was the animals. Plotting, planning against me! I assume that will be all, sir. Smithee. He'll vouch for me. Smithee! Odie, thank you. You're a hero and a gentleman. Whoa. There are two Garfields? Well, how can you tell them apart? Oh, you forgot imbecile. (BOTH) That's Garfield. Liz, I've been... been trying to get the courage up to ask you something. Uh-huh. And, er... Oh, come on! Really? (MUFFLED) Looking for something? Thanks, pal. Liz, will you marry me? Yes. (APPLAUSE) You know, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's? Come on! The coast is clear! # 'Let's Move' - The Transcenders (ANIMALS CHEER) Let's hear it for the cats! Go, Garfield. That's right. Come on! Do you do the Carlyle jig? It goes like this. (LAUGHS) Can you do this? Oh, boogaloo. (LAUGHS) Jolly good. Bust a move, man. No, it's something like this here. And so, my loyal subjects, I leave you with a final legacy. Cannonball! (SPLASH!) (GROANING) Brilliant party, sire. Yeah, when the going gets tough, the great ones party. Who wants to play Marco Polo? (ALL) Marco! I refuse to partake in this sinful display of hedonism. Oh! Those nuts look good. Get a load of this! Bombs away! (FEEBLE SPLASH) I love this pond. We rule the pool, Goosey. Give me some feathers! # 'Let's Move' - The Transcenders (LAUGHS) Watch the ears. Thank you. Ah, you're so kind. (ODIE BARKS) Odie, could you beat it, please? (THUD!) It's good to be king. (CONTINUES) # 'Let's Move' - The Transcenders