1 1 (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL SCORE) (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL SCORE CONTINUES) Let's go! Move out! Fifty more yards! Alright, let's go! Pick it up! Let's go, mister! You're running out of time! Make it all the way around! You wanna be troopers?! Alright, next! Get up here! Let's hit it now. Dean, come on! Alright, you've all completed the written exam. However, you must now pass the obstacle course to be admitted into the training programme. Remember, survive this, and you're the front line keeping New Jersey safe. (SNORES) Sorry about the test, Dad. We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart. Mine is named hypoglycaemia. That's why you always have to have sugar nearby. Are you gonna have pie? Not tonight, Ma. I'm just kidding. Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie. (CHUCKLES) You. No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now. Oh. OK. You said it and I just kinda got that stuck in my head now. Can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go. It really helps heal, and, you know, not always but sometimes you gotta do like the kids say and just say, "Whatever." Kids don't talk like that. Some do. The older ones. I hear 'em in the mall. (SIGHS) Peanut butter. It just fills the cracks of the heart. Go away, pain. What? Paulie. Oh, no. Come on, Ma. I'm not ready for this now. Dad. Please! We just don't want to see you go through another holiday alone. But I'm not alone. I've got you two. And besides, Black Friday's coming so my dance card's gonna be pretty full. What?! It's the busiest shopping day of the year. Can't explain to civilians. I wish I had a co-worker here. "Tyler, Black Friday's coming." "Don't have to tell me. I've got the eyes of an eagle." We prepare. Dad, what does all that have to do with being happy? You said, and I quote, "If I don't have a girlfriend by November, I'll let you sign me up for perfectmatch.com That was last year. OK. Here we are. OK. What are you looking for in a woman? Well, your mother certainly had something special. Yeah, illegal immigrant status. She married you, got citizenship and then she left us. That's not entirely true. We did have some good times back when she was still trying to trick me. Well I hate her. You shouldn't. She gave me you. I am pretty great. You are, you are. OK, next question. Tell us about yourself. Let's see. I, er... ..I know a lot about sharks. Let me stop you right there. Er, well-built. And a great hugger. Awesome, Grandma. But not as awesome as this. What are you doing? Beefing up your profile with that nifty video you made a few years back. Oh, Ma, no. (ROCK MUSIC) I don't know. Don't you think it's too, "Hey, look at me!" That is exactly what we want. Eyes on the prize. And don't worry, I will edit out the sweaty parts. # "Mr Blue Sky" - ELO # The sun is shining in the sky # There ain't a cloud in sight # It's stopped raining Everybody's in the play # And don't you know? It's a beautiful new day (DOG BARKS) # Burning down the avenue Dear God! # See how the sun shines brightly... Hey. Back away from the vehicle. Dear God, please! (TYRES SCREECH) Chompers, get down! (THUD / DOG WHIMPERS) # "Sleigh Ride" Hey, you know where the men's room is? Lord And Taylor. They got 12 stalls and heated seats. OK, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids. OK, my lip is numb. (CHILD CRIES) Alrighty. There you go. Thank you. That's not supposed to be here. It's a minivan. Paul! Hey. What is this? My report how to ease traffic from Macy's through the speciality shops. How's that working out for you? For all of us. If we could re-route away from the food court, it's gonna help kiosks and cut down on shopper frustration. Classic two-bird-one-stone scenario. Can I ask you something? Anything. Why can't you just punch in, shut up and punch out like the rest of us? Safety never takes a holiday. Did your mom crochet that on a pillow? Blart! This is Sims, he's a new trainee. Let him trail you today. Paul Blart, ten-year veteran. Wow. Veck Sims. Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. Let's mount up. Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff. Treat her gentle, son. Slap it, honour it. So, what made you wanna pursue security? Um... I never finished high school. This is all I could get. I'm working on becoming a state trooper. Goose egg for eight. Hypoglycaemia. Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack. My first week, I got lost behind Sears. They found me later in the foetal position sporting a full beard. I'm kidding, I can't grow a beard. My uncle can. Stay snug! Now, in the event that you approach an assailant, here's what I want you to do. You're gonna pull up, left hip forward, placing your right hand on your away hip thusly, giving the illusion that you have a gun, which of course we both know... ..you don't. OK? But you know what we do have? OUR VOICES! We have our voices. If you remember one thing from today it's this. The mind... ..is the only weapon... that doesn't need a holster. Right. Awesome. How long do we get for lunch? Half hour, but I eat in 20 which leaves me five for social time, five to get focused. Oh. We got a high roller. (SIREN BEEPS) Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right. Please pull to the side, sir, out of traffic. Tan jacket, red scooter, please pull to the right out of traffic. Sir. Thank you. Driving kinda recklessly back there, sir. You're kidding. Oh, I don't joke about shopper safety. I'm gonna have to issue you a citation. Gonna need your first and last, last first. Sir. Sir, sir, sir, sir! Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be, OK? Sir! Sir! Sir, I am warning you. Sir. You're pushing it. Sir. Sir, I am warning... Sir. Sir. Sir. Sir. OK. This is adding up, sir. He'll be back, he'll be back. Hey! Hi. Do you need something? Er, yes. Er, I'd like to welcome you to our mall. Oh, well thank you. Is there something else? Er, yeah, yeah. Just looking for some hair extensions. Need more volume up top. Do you do men? Er... ..do you do men hair... on the men? Are you the guy that crashed into the minivan? I don't think so. Which one? That one. That one right there. Yeah, that one, yes. That one was me. Oh, wow. Are you OK? Never better. Although they're docking the pay cheque pretty good. You know, you should get the security tape and sell it to one of those shows where people crash. Hello early retirement. (GIGGLES) Right. Um, volume. Right. Let me just see what I've, er, got. This is Blart. If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks. "Who is this?" It's Officer Blart reporting from Sector 5. "What the hell are you bothering me for?" Just a Code B check... Moron. I'll check in with them later. It's pretty intense. Oh, right. Life of a security guard. Mm. (LAUGHS) What? What? No, it's just that you said "security guard", and it's perfectly acceptable... I'm so sorry. No, you did fine, it's just that there's a huge controversy brewing in the industry whether the title should be guard or officer. I'm sure you heard about it. Er, I didn't. You will. You're gonna. I'm sure. It's out there. So, you all set for the busiest shopping day of the year? Oh, yeah. And, um, the worst day for a birthday. This year it falls on Black Friday which means I won't even get a card, everyone's too busy shopping. You know what? Yeah. Autumn ash. I think that's your colour. It's a winner. Er, so that's 9.95. 9.95? Yeah. Wow. At those prices, now you got me thinking, "Ponytail!" Thank you. Thank you. Right. So there you go. OK. And, um, there you go. Thank you, Amy. Thank you, Officer Blart. Hey, Blart! Wow, nice shirt! Went with a medium, huh? It's a bit form fitting but, er, that's cos we're required to wear protective vests - No, not buying it. I don't see any vest underneath here. No, it's a thick t-shirt, like a thermal we wear. No. (CHUCKLES) No. I don't understand why you're laughing. I called you fat. I'm not. (LAUGHS) Yeah, whatever. Amy! Everyone's going to American Joe's tonight. I wanna see you there, OK? We're gonna split some onion strings. Wow. Mmm. Good. Good hang. Wow, yeah. That's... great. Hey, Blart. They need you at Victoria's Secret. OK, roger that. OK, I, er, I gotta go. OK. Bye. I found it first. No, you didn't. Ladies. Problem? What's the Genesis? She's trying to take the last push-up bra in this size. New shipment tomorrow by noon. I need this one now. I have a date tonight. Really? Is he blind? Whoa! Waterproof shoes and baggies on the socks. Not my first rodeo. OK, ladies, need to see some ID. No, you don't. Ma'am, I do have the authority to make a citizen's arrest. So does anyone. I could arrest you. She could. Hey, not talking to you. OK? Can I see you for a second please, ma'am? Look... ..I understand your sensitivity. I've had issues with weight myself. Are you calling me fat? No. No, no, no. I'm just saying I've been down that road. I'm still on it. We both are, you know? Stranded. And let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right? But as soon as I started eating healthier, I noticed I wasn't so moody. And PS, you're skin's gonna clear up. Can you hold onto these? Sure. Ma'am! She's got tremendous upper body strength! Backup! Backup! She's biting my neck, she's biting my neck... Backup! Backup! Backup! Look, I know you're new here and all, but "backup" seems like a pretty universal term. # # "I Can't Hold Back" - Survivor # Turn the pages of desire # Now it's time to trade those dreams # For the rush of passion's fire # I can feel you tremble when we touch # When I feel the hand of fate # Reaching out to both of us # I've been holding back the night # I've been searching for a clue from you # I'm gonna try with all my might # To make the storyline come true... Can I give you a lift? On that? With an inexperienced driver, no, but with me... ..you'll be as safe as the president. Nnnn... I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired? Yes, it could. OK. Um, is this alright? Absolutely. # Turn the pages of desire # I can't hold back, I'm on the edge # I can't hold back # Your voice explodes inside my head # I can't hold back I won't back down # Girl, it's too late to turn back now # I can see you tremble when we touch # Ooh, and I feel the hand of fate # Reaching out to both of us # This love affair can't wait # I can't hold back... # And here you go. Safe and sound. Oh, '65 Mustang. Yeah. Fun fact for you, a lot of people think the Mustang was named after the horse. It was actually named after the P-51 Mustang. Oh. That's a plane. I didn't know that. Well thank you for the ride, Paul. That was so much fun. No problem. Listen... ..if you ever need rides anywhere... ..dispatch, they can get me. Or we could just text each other. Yeah. Yeah, gimme your cell phone. My cell? Yeah, and I'll punch my number in. Oh. Ah, left it in the casuals. Just give me your number and I'll remember it. Oh, OK. Ready? Yup. Right. 555 - Not yet. Just... Now I'm ready. 555. 555. 01. 01. 78. Eight. Got it. It's locked. Great. See you at American Joe's, right? Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so why not me too? Yeah, I'm there. OK. Bye. OK, bye. # Heard it from a friend who # Heard it from a friend who # Heard it from another you've been messing around... Hey. Hey, glad you made it, Paul. Good to be here. Fun fact for you - This place sucks. Wanna get outta here? Um, no. I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was just saying that the first American Joe's actually opened its doors in 1972, and most people, because of its theme, think it's derivative of Abe And Louie's, but it's not. It's its own thing. (GIGGLES) You really know a lot of facts, Paul. Blart, I heard you got your ass handed to you by a fat chick. Well I don't hit women. Yeah, just minivans, right? Why don't you go to the bar and grab yourself one of those girly drinks. I'll meet you over there. Oh, OK. Does anybody else want a drink? Stuart's buying. No, they're good. They're good. OK. Hey, listen, I... We're basically already together so... I didn't realise. Yeah. I just want you to grab hold of it. It's not like you had a chance. Security guard? Really? (CHUCKLES) You're a pen salesman, dude. Yeah, and I just bought a Camry, so you can eat me. Alright, bro, back off. We're all just here having fun. OK, bro. What? Hey, thanks for getting my back there, bro. Security blood runs deep betw... Yeah, let's go. Ready? No. Not yet. Now I'm ready. OK. And... go! Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich, so chew. I know. Told you, boy. Better hurry. There you go, nachos in my face. Oh, my God. Those peppers, the peppers are hot. Mm, that feels good, man. Better inform all your friends, boy. Nachos about to be gone! You're lagging behind. Come on, Paul. I love these nachos. I'll tell you that much. That lemonade is insane. Yup, because it's a margarita. No, I don't drink. # On the street where you live Girls talk about their social lives # They're made of lipstick Plastic and paint # A touch of sable in your eyes... Shh... Twist it... Feel the nub... Hey, you want some? Yeah. (BARKS / LAUGHS) # Ooh # She's a little runaway... Ah, you blinked! You blinked. Ah, time to pluck the grape from the vine. (SMASH / SPLASH) Still got the baggies! Hot jiggity! Coming on the left. (BELCHES) False alarm. # ..the lights at night on the neon Broadway signs... Told my mom everything about us. Er, what are you talking about? (CHUCKLES) You're acting coy. Come on, it's natural. You know... (LAUGHS) You know, I'm sorry, Paul, I don't know. (LAUGHS) Aw, snap! Pop go the weasel. So happy! I believe in magic! 'Meanwhile, down on Earth, all those shipwrecks could become playgrounds for kids; kids of all nations!' 1 THINKS: 'I blame the ocean. That's what divides us as people. 'I mean, if we drained all the sea from the planet, then we'd be connected. RADIO PLAYS IN CAR 'I have two PhDs. Should I go for a third? 'I don't wanna throw the sea away. 'I mean, you've gotta keep it; it's of some use.' CAR HONKS 'Maybe up in space, in a bowl. 'Of course, we'd have to house all the animals. 'Meanwhile, down on Earth, all those shipwrecks could become playgrounds for kids; kids of all nations!' TYRES SCREECH, CRASH! RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING BREATHES LOUDLY 1 I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear. It's... It's fine, Ma. Hey, Dad, why don't we check for matches? Yes. I don't think so, sweetheart. I'm just gonna turn in. How about something special for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up? I don't think so, Ma. It's, it's fine. If something's gonna work, it would be the sloppy Joe, but that would probably, you know... If you're doing sloppy Joe, do the sweet potato fries, but whatever, you know? Well done. # "When Will I See You Again?" - Barry Manilow # Last night, I waved goodbye # Now it seems years # I'm back in the city # Where nothing is clear # But thoughts of me holding you # Bringing us near # And tell me # When will our eyes meet? # When can I touch you? # When will this strong yearning end? # And when will I hold you again? Maya. Hey. Dad. I'm so sorry. It's OK. There are other fish in the sea. You just gotta keep looking. And it doesn't matter what you do, because once someone takes the time to get to know the real you, all bets are off. If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us. I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears. I didn't hear a word you're saying. You just have to r... Is that a tattoo?! Er... Yeah, yeah, it is. When did you get it? I got it last night. What is it? It's the Loch Ness Monster. I don't drink. Hey. Hi. That was, er... a little weird the other night, huh? Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Was one of them when I tried to make out with your purse? You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar in the blood, and the... Look... ..a lot of people... ..pretty much everybody, you know, tends to write me off, and if you did too, believe me, I'd get it. I just, I guess what I'm asking is that... you don't. OK, I'm sorry, I've gotta cash my pay cheque before the bank closes. Maybe we could talk later or something. Sure, text me. I can do that, I can do that... Paul, everybody texts these days. I can't believe you don't have a cell. I'm not about all this technology, Vijay. I prefer face-to-face, or a nice handwritten sentiment. Three hundred bucks? I dug a hole with this girl. Help me! Please! Paul, you've always been a straight shooter, so why don't you take my daughter Parisa's phone? I can't do that. Come on, I'm punishing her. What with all the parties and that ex-boyfriend, Pahud, she went over her minutes. When she decides to turn her life around, I'll simply take it back. Until then, use it. Thanks. Sure. Stay within the minutes. Of course. Hey, it's too late to go in that way. No-one's going in there. Yeah, I think we are. (THUD) Ow! Yo, Paul! Come here, man. I know you been feeling down, so I got this for you. "The Devil's Crotch." Feel the burn, baby. Thanks, Leon. Get back at me, man. Loading docks are ready. Got it. Yeah. (LAUGHS) You need a pen, don't you? Er... You know what? I'm good. Yeah, you do. Ahh! Yes. The Summit 52-80 Fountain. That's stunning. Yeah, I know. How would you like to sign your name with this panther? You know what? More than anything. That'd be great. It's yours, I insist. Shh. Oh, hey, guys. Hey. Don't you just love Fridays? Ugh, best night of the week. Paul. Paul, can you help me out? I need to shoot to the bank, there's a few kids inside. Could you close up the arcade for me? No problem, Mr Ferguson. You OK? You seem a little down. I'm fine. You know, a videogame might cheer you right up. I'm on duty. (BUGLE CALL) "Welcome to the games!" "Get set... go!" "Foul." "Foul." "Foul. Foul." "Foul. Foul." "Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul." "Game over." We are ready. # "Detroit Rock City" - Kiss Let's do this. # I feel uptight on a Saturday night Attention, shoppers. Make your way to the exits. Unfortunately the mall will be closing early. Everybody out! Everybody out! # ..tells me what I got to do... Everybody out! (ALL SCREAM) # Get up Everybody's gonna move their feet # Get down Everybody's gonna leave their seat # First I drink, then I smoke # ..I'm so alive, I'm so alive! I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall. Hey, there's some crazy ass people trying to take over! I'm outta here! Everybody on the floor! Tell 'em to bring SWAT. There may be hostages. What are you doing? Get down. Oh, my God. Ah, surprised? I know. But here's the craziest part. I'm the leader. You're retired, so these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. You work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. It could save you lots. Call: # They're inside the bank and they've got hostages. This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units around back, see if we can establish visual. Report back. Let's get these civilians out of here, see if we can gain access. Go. (PHONE RINGS) # I'm the type of girl you wanna chew up like bubblegum... Hello? Feeling alive? I'm sorry? Parisa. She makes you feel alive, doesn't she? Oh, this must be Pahud. Pahud, no, I'm not with Parisa. My name's Paul Blart. Parisa's dad took her cell phone away and he lent it to me. Do not lie to me, Paul Blart! Do not lie to me! You are probably sweating over her right now! I'm not lying. I mean, I am sweaty, but I'm not sweating over anyone. That woman is like an angelic goddess who only brings goodness to this world. Plus she has some crazy sexy feet. (SOBS) The pain of this break-up is far too much for me to bear, man. Pahud, no-one can blame you for being upset. The holidays are tough enough without adding heartbreak. Wow. Them some heavy words, Paul Blart. Hey, life is heavy. Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh? So why do you not head over to Orange Julius, call up my friend, Samir, tell him you are now my homeboy. He will hook you up. How'd you know I was at the mall? I track Parisa's phone with GPS. Don't you judge me. Closing time already. OK, there are 223 stores in this mall. Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit, and 15 for you. This is the key to retrieve codes from each credit card machine. They change every day so make sure that you bring me back the codes for today, Friday. Six guys in standard formation, just like you said. Perfect. Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! (BANG) And these little piggies went all the way home. (SMASH) Do it. Gary usually delivers the leftovers to the mission. Hey, everyone. Couple of requests. Kindly tie up the person beside you, keep your mouths shut, give up your phones, and do as I say. Do these, you'll be back at home in no time, back to your mediocre lives. I don't have one. Amy. I was hoping that you and I could have a Bonnie and Clyde thing. You know, minus dying in a hail of gunfire, of course. What do you say? Go to hell. Ouch. Stuey. Don't mind that I'm hitting on your girlfriend, do you? No, she's not my girlfriend. But I specifically heard you say that you two were basically together. I didn't, I said that she's... in... into leather. Have at it. If you... (PHONE RINGS) God, you're an idiot. Hello. This is Sergeant Howard of the West Orange Police. Who am I speaking with? Oh, hi. Yeah, well, so here's the deal. As you learned the hard way, I have motion sensors by the doors so if you wanna enter my mall, you might as well bring, er, at least six body bags. (DRILLS) He's drilling the safe and they have eyes on us. Tap into the cameras. No-one's gonna try and enter. Is there anything you need? Do you need food? Do you need any water? Oh, man. This dude doesn't deviate from the book at all. Er, you know, since you're asking, I would love a Happy Meal, you know, but make sure the toy is the sea monster cos I already have the dragon. OK. Now what is it you really want? Silence. (SINGS TO SELF) Oh, hey. I'm sorry, mall's closed but I can help you find the exit if you tell me where you're parked. Oh, sweet mercy! This is not happening, this is not happening... Oh, God. Alright, think, Paul, think! Now what are you trained to do? Nothing. Detect, deter, observe, report. I gotta report it. Reporting it. Yo, we got a straggler. Security guard. What shall we do? I don't know. Give up, I guess. Guys! What is wrong with you?! We stick to the plan! We got 911 connected to Paul Blart, security officer in the mall. Hey, Blart? He's one of my guys. Paul, this is Sergeant Howard. The mall has been taken over and they have hostages. I need you to exit the building. We don't need any wild cards. Copy that. Never been a wild card. Unless you consider the game of Uno wild. (CHUCKLES) Blart, can we focus here please?! Yes, sir. I'm on my way out. OK, come on, don't die. Don't die! Don't pee. Don't pee! Guys, motion detector just went off, door 26. Everybody on it. Amy. What the hell is he doing?! Come on! Paul, come on! Come on! Come on, Blart! Blart, come on! Let's go! Come on! Come on! Come on! Is he crying? I can't leave her. Blart! Blart, get back... Would you talk to him, please?! Blart, this is Brooks. What's going on? Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall and all inside it. What oath? We don't have an oath. I sort of made up my own. It's on a plaque in my room. Listen, I think you're making a big mistake. SWAT's on the way. And I'm not gonna sugar-coat it, you're untrained, you're unarmed, and you present a huge target. With all due respect, sir, I can't observe and report from outside. Over. Well, sergeant, looks like you got your eyes on the inside. Amy. Paul Blart here. Are you still in the mall? Send. Got him. (WHISTLES) Think, think... Think, think, think, think! (WHISPERS) Hold it together. Heart of a warrior. (STOMACH GROWLS) (DEEP RUMBLING) Missed lunch. (GURGLING) Thank you. (THUNDEROUS RUMBLING) Hey! Don't make this hard. You like that?! Brooks, I took out a girl but the guy ran away. Wow, Paul, you got one? Yes, but let the record show I did not hit a woman, I just... I put all my weight on her. Oh, Paul. No, no, she's fine. She's fine. Good. Let's get you out of there. No can do, sir. I am gonna finish what I started. What the heck is this? Give me that. Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again. Since you refuse to come out, I'm gonna need you to go into the bank and find the hostages. With honour, sir. Good to know. 1 I haven't heard back from Donner or Vixen. OK, I'm calling an audible here, and I need to get this mall locked down from the inside immediately! Why don't we start wasting hostages? That'll stop 'em. That's one way but our hostages are keeping the cops outside. I'm Commander Kent. I need this location secured. We got - Establish a perimeter and get these people out of here. My men are gonna do it again, the right way. Fall back now. Got any demands? A Happy Meal and absolute silence. Let's make noise. I got snipers at the ready, communications in check. Let's tap into security now and get some visuals. You can't, they - Ready to take on-scene command in three, two, one... I'm in charge. Brooks, I'm observing the bank now. They got one assailant guarding the hostages. Oh, there she is. Oh, my God. You are my angel pie. Oh, here come the love sweats. Paul, your radio's still on. Roger that. What's going on? Who is that? We got a guy on the inside. One of your cops trying to be a hero? No, he's neither. His name is Blart. He's one of my security guards. Wait a minute. Blart? Yeah. Paul Blart? Yeah. We used to abuse that loser in high school. Blart, this is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT. We went to high school together. Remember? I set you on fire at the pancake festival. Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy. Go, Green Hawks. Yeah, listen, I've got 50 highly trained armed professionals here. At my command, we are retaking this location and there's no way I'm compromising so some mall monitor who used to eat lunch with his imaginary friend can screw it up. I had the button pressed. All I heard was "lunch" and "friend". Could you put Chief Brooks back on? Listen to me, you are no longer communicating with Brooks. Clear? Hello? (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul. How you doing? Well, it looks like they moved the hostages into the teller area. I'm gonna get a closer look. Veck. There he is! Everyone in the back room, now! Come on, move, move! Brooks... I lost visual on the hostages. I couldn't get 'em out, but I know who the leader is. It's Veck. Veck? The trainee? No, the brainee. I don't believe this. I'll pass it on to Howard. (WHISPERS) Oh, God. Trapped is fine by me. "Commence tanning. Three, two, one." (STEEL DRUM MUSIC) Yes! (GUNSHOTS) Time for some big game hunting! Open, open, open! Oh, thank God. Oh, no. You better run! Rudolph, where are you? I'm about to end this. Amy, huh? What a coincidence. We got a cute little redhead at the bank named Amy. Strawberry blonde. Yeah? Well I guess I know who I'm killing first. Catch you later. Yeah? Looks like you just ran out of mall. It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing. You aren't gonna touch her, but you are gonna feel this. Ah! Nobody wins with a head butt. # Gimme your cell phone. I don't have one. Every kid has a cell phone. I prefer handwritten sentiments. Who are these sloppy Joes for? And who gave you this? They're mine. I'm late for my shift at Foot Locker. We're getting the leader on the horn. He wants to talk to you. Silence my ass. What's the matter? Throw a few jabs your way, you suck your thumb? If you don't go toe-to-toe he's gonna roll over you all night long. It's alright, that's not my style. Just in case... I wrote down a couple of clever comebacks. Like... This is what you've been doing? "Yeah, you and what army?" What's wrong with that? He has an army. Everyone deserves a card on their birthday. So when you and Rudolph were laughing it up about how easy this was gonna be, were you guys like, "Any mall cop that gets in the way is gonna get smoked," and then you guys high-fived? This guard is - Winning! I know this! Because I am all set but sadly... no codes! And I'd say considering all the luxury items I have stacked up in my Amazon shopping cart, situation... unacceptable! (WHISPERS) No, no, no. He lookin'! Gimme a gun. (WHISPERS) Put it down! What are you nodding about? I was wondering, were you serious about that Happy Meal? It isn't coming, is it? (PHONE RINGS) What? This is Commander James Kent, New Jersey SWAT. Wanted to speak? I just wanna make sure that no-one does anything stupid. My men are ready to bring this thing to a resolution. Easy way or hard. Hmm, that is such a tough call but I'm gonna go with C, none of the above! I'm Amy, by the way. Amy? From UnbeWEAVEable? Yeah. I'm Maya. My father talked forever about you. And I gotta say, he really does like you. Oh, I'm gonna throw up. Oh, that's not so bad. (PHONE BEEPS) Oh, my God. They've got his daughter. Dad? Maya. Everything's gonna be OK. How is your blood sugar? Don't worry about me, I'm worried about you. I love you. Alright, now, I'm gonna get you all out. You just hang in there, OK, sweetie? I will. I'm a Blart, remember? Yeah. I'll see you soon. I'm supposed to be on my way to the Cayman Islands! And where the hell is Rudolph? He should be back. < (WHISTLES) "If Veck gets the codes, he's taking us to..." Cayman Islands?! Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show. (ROCK MUSIC) Come and get me, Veck. I got your codes for the credit card machines. You hear that? That is Paul, baby! Blart? (LAUGHS) That's who's been screwing this up? Got to be kidding. Gimme a radio. Let me tell you something, you take hostages in my mall, you are making a big mistake. You seriously undermessed... And you serious me underes... Oh, no! (SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Er, Blart? Sugar... Blart? You there, Blart? Hello, Blart? You there? Hey, Blart? I was hoping we could get an ETA of when you're gonna give up. How about now? I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver. Yeah, you heard me... Never! Alright, Dad! (BOTH CHUCKLE) Hey, fellas. Looking for me? Come on. Follow me! There he is! We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe. Great. Wait for me. My mom always said if you want something done right, waste the guy yourself. I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here. Prancer, take the back. (RAINFOREST SOUNDS) (ROARS) (WAILS) (GUNSHOT) Hey, you. Scuba-doobie-doo. (GAS HISSES) Hey, hey! Can I have my codes now? Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands? Looks like Blart turned into quite the bad ass. Relax. Oh, no! One thing I know is Paul Blart is not a bad ass. Comet! Don't come back till he's dead! Brooks, only one more left, then it's just me and Veck. OK, who's talking to Blart?! Huh? Was it you, sugar mouth? Alright, let's try this again. Wait, no! It's her phone, hers, she's talking to him. She's talking to him and I told her not to. It's under her leg. The phone. Her right leg. Right there. That's good. OK. That was close. He is a pro. Listen, Blart, time's up. We're busting in. Wait! Veck's after the credit codes and I got 'em. Gimme a few. No problem. Aw, isn't that cute? (PHONE RINGS) # I'm the type of girl you wanna chew like bubblegum... Hey, Amy. I'm on my way. Hey, Blart. Wow, our boy Stuart just turned me onto your profile on lonelyloser.com. Hmm. Likes morning rain, walks on the beach. Who are you, Olivia Newton John? Er, just speaking from the heart. I didn't have to go online to know that you love peanut brittle. You're so pathetic. Trippy. This, I can use. What do you want, Veck? I just want the 30 million I came here for but I would settle offing your dream girl, or maybe your daughter. You touch them, I swear I'll end you. What are you gonna do, Paul? Gonna pull up, give the illusion you have a gun, which you and I both know you don't? I could. You're not gonna do squat. Next time I see you, I'm gonna put a bullet in your head. I don't think so. I'm taking you down. 1 Blart! (GUNSHOTS) Oh, Blart. Oh, I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open, see candy fall out. It's not happening. Come on! Bravo! Oh, that was awesome! And you were just so close to making it too, Paul. Just so close. It's not over yet. Er, yeah, I think it is. The only thing I need are my codes, which, judging from your text messages, you have been so sweet as to enter them into your phone just for me. You think I'm gonna carry the phone with me? (PHONE RINGS) # I'm the type of girl you wanna chew like bubblegum... Hello? Peanut Blart and jelly, wha-wha-wha-what's up, man?! So good to hear your voice! Good to hear your voice too. I'm gonna have to call you back. When?! I don't know when. Talk to you later. Call me back, Paul! Sorry. I mean, it just keeps getting better. I mean, you are impossible to underestimate. You can't pass the trooper exam, you blackout if you don't have a Snickers bar every 20 minutes, you had the chance to be MVP and, ooh, you blew it. Again, like you always do. Ain't that right, Maya? What do you want me to say, Veck? You're smarter than me. You're good on computers, you've kept your weight under control. People, they look at me and you and, yeah, it's a landslide. It's no contest. Right now, you're the man with the gun. So here you go. Go get him! Go, Dad! Probably should have capitalised on that. Dad! Lock and load, boys. We're going in. We're on the move. Let's go. Come on, come on. Think, Paul, think! Let's go, men. Take it down. Secure the suspects. (GUNSHOTS) Hold your fire! Hold your fire! Down. The other one. That's the back one! No, that's the same one! The other one! Veck got away with my daughter and Amy. Entry team, clear the mall! We'll pursue! Light! Open the door! Let's do this. (TYRES SCREECH) Gimme your cell phone. I gotta hand it to you, Blart. You've taken care of business. What up? Pahud, do you still have GPS on Parisa's cell phone? You know I do, Paul. You know I do. What can I do for you? I need to know where it's headed. Paul, they're on their way to McGuire Airfield. Thanks! Hang on. Oh, my God! There they are! Jimmy, take the wheel! Here we go, here we go! That was me. I can't... Blart! Don't do it, Blart! Maya, get inside! Dad! Paul! I really don't drink. Dad! Dad! (LAUGHS) Man, that hypoglycaemia is a killer. I told you I'd take you down. Blart! Oh, very impressive! Taking down an assailant without a gun! I hope you don't mind if I use one. What? Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Off to the Cayman Islands, huh? Soon as I get my money. Yeah, well, you'll be needing this. Just give it to him, Dad. Oh, I will. Suck on that! OK. Situation update. "Seven assailants in custody, sir." Great. Nobody talks to 'em but me. "Yes, sir." You see, jackass, I don't need the phone. I got all the codes written on their arms. I kill you three, no witnesses, and since everybody thinks this was... (GUNSHOT) I got a newsflash for you. Your flight's been cancelled. That's better than anything I got. # "I Can't Hold Back" - Survivor You did good, Dad. Yeah, I am pretty great. You know, she doesn't need a green card. # Turn the pages of desire # Now it's time to trade those dreams # For the rush of passion's fire # I can feel you tremble when we touch # And I feel the hand of fate # Reaching out to both of us # I've been holding back the night # I've been searching for a clue from you... I don't know what to say. I have something I wanna say to you. Happy birthday, Amy. # Can you feel the hand of fate # Reaching out to both of us? # This love affair can't wait # I can't hold back I'm on the edge # I can't hold back I won't back down... Heard you applied to be a state trooper. Be proud to have you. Thank you, sir, but I think I'm gonna stick with what I do best. Protecting the people of the West Orange Pavilion Mall. # "Think I'm In Love" - Eddie Money # Ooh, something's got a hold on me now # It's a feelin' Burnin' like a lover on fire # Hold me tight, babe Don't leave me by myself tonight # Cos I don't think I can make it through the night # I think I'm in love # And my life's lookin' up # I think I'm in love # Cos I can't get enough # I think I'm in love # It's gotta be love # It surrounds me Over me like a sea of madness # It controls me, makes me do all the things I do for you # You're on my mind, babe Thinkin' about you now # And I don't know if I'll make it through the night # I think I'm in love # And my life's lookin' up # I think I'm in love # Cos I can't get enough # I think I'm in love # It's gotta be love # I think I'm in love # I think I'm in love # And my life's lookin' up # I think I'm in love # Cos I can't get enough