1 # 'Please Call Me, Baby' - Tom Waits # The evening fell just like a star # Left a trail behind # You spit as you slammed out the door # If this is love we're crazy # As we fight like cats and dogs # But I just know there's got to be more # Please call me, baby # Wherever you are # It's too cold to be out walking in the streets # We do crazy things when we're wounded # Everyone's a bit insane # But I don't want you catching your death of cold # Out walking in the rain # I admit that I ain't no angel # I admit that I ain't no saint # I'm selfish and I'm cruel, but you'll find # If I exorcise my devils # Well my angels may leave too # When they leave they're so hard to find # Please call me, baby # Wherever you are # It's too cold to be out walking in the streets # We do crazy things when we're wounded # Everyone's a bit insane # I don't want you catching your death of cold # Out walking in the rain # Answer me honestly. If I was to tell you that I love you and that I'd throw it all away to be with you, what would you say to me? Good night, Paulie. Yep. Yep. That's about par for the evening. (CRIES) Let me guess. Your old lady got fed up cos you're chasing this skirt, so she took these little ones and left? It's a little more complicated than that. It always is. Everyone thinks their story has a twist. In my experience- Holy shit! Exactly. (LAUGHS) This I've got to hear. It's a long story and I know you're very busy. And... And I don't really feel like swapping stories if you wanna know the truth. OK. Now tell me, Father, how long has it been since your last drink? Um, it's been about a minute and a half since my last drink. Of course. What about these kids? OK. Well, you see the one on the right? Hmm. The cute one? Hmm. That's me. (BOTH LAUGH) That's very cute. Brian Finn. Paulie Chopra. See this kid, that was my best friend, Jake. He's a priest, too? Jake? No. As it turns out, Jake is a rabbi. Come on, a priest and a rabbi? I think I've heard this one. Look, I've heard all of those, and trust me, you've not heard this one. So there's this priest and there's this rabbi and they're best friends. But before they were a priest and a rabbi, they both knew this girl. Ah. The girl. Who's the girl? Anna Riley. Riley? Let me guess, she became a nun? Not quite. Not quite. 'We all met in the sixth grade at PS84 here in Manhattan.' 'I think I already knew Jake and then we both met Anna.' 'No, wait, I remember exactly how we met.' 'Cos it was one of those defining moments.' Hi-ya! 'After that we were pretty much inseparable.' 'Jake and I were definitely what you'd call late bloomers.' 'Your average seventh grade girl's attention can be fickle.' 'But not Anna, her loyalty to us was constant.' 'Anna was the friend every 13-year-old boy dreams of.' 'That magical cross between Johnny Quest and Tatum O'Neal in Foxes.' (CHEERING) 'Yeah, we were some trio. Anna used to call us two Micks and a Yid.' 'There's eight million in New York, when the three of us were together it felt like we were on our own island.' But New York is an island. I'm trying to sprinkle fairy dust! I'm trying to tell a story. I'm terribly sorry. Continue. Go on, sprinkle away. OK. 'Then disaster struck.' 'After eighth grade, Anna's father got a job in California.' 'And just like that, she was gone.' 'As for me and Jake, our friendship just got stronger.' 'We were like any other two kids. But there was an unusual component, we were fascinated with each other's religions.' 'He showed me the secret rituals of Judaism.' 'I let him on Catholic mysteries.' Just remember, spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet. 'I bet you're wondering what makes two kids wanna become a priest and a rabbi.' 'People don't talk about a calling anymore. But I knew it was what I had to do.' 'Back then, everybody brought their problems to me.' 'My parents had given up on children when I came along.' 'So Mom called me her gift from God.' 'When I was eight, I told her I had a feeling I should return the favour.' 'She cried. Dad just wanted to know if it came with dental.' 'Jake's sense of a calling might not have gelled as early as mine.' 'Religion was more of a hobby for him at first.' Got it. Got it. Need it. Need it. Got it. Got it. Need it. Got it. (CHEERING) 'Jake was one of those special kids. Smart, popular, everything came easy to him. He had that aura about him.' 'You took one look at him and you knew he could do anything he wanted.' 'His family had been in investment banking for generations.' 'His father and his brother tried to convince him to join them.' 'But he decided he wanted to do something different with his life.' 'When he made his decision, he did it with great confidence and resolve.' I don't wanna listen to any of you! 'We went off to seminary like guys go to the army. It was an adventure.' Whoa! 'Newly ordained as masters of theology, we were both assigned back to New York.' 'Where we confronted the practical aspects of our jobs.' (LATINO MUSIC) (SPEAKS HEBREW) (COUGHS) Ow! (CUTTING NOISE / CRYING) Ah! Jesus! (SCREAMS) 'Despite these early setbacks, we eventually found our groove.' Take it nice and easy. Win them over slowly, OK? Shabbat shalom, everyone! I want you all to do me a favour. Everyone in the back, come forward to the first three rows. Guys, come on! Let's try one more time. Shabbat shalom! Shabbat shalom! Thank you, Mom. Ma'am, you in the back. Yes, you. Come on. God hates a solo artist. We're the Fugees today. No Lauryn Hills. My mom's the only person in the room approximating the level of shabbat shalom-iness that I think we can hit. You're leaving. Why? It's customary to sneak out after communion. Work with me. Shabbat shalom! (ALL) Shabbat shalom! Now we're ready to daven! 'I don't wanna brag, but word got out there was a new act in town and we were playing to packed houses I knew we'd been destined for.' (ALL LAUGH) I know! I know! But seriously, what is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about? Anybody? Steve Posner. Sexual perversion. Sexual perversion. Steve's watching too much Spice Channel. The seven deadly sins. Who can name the seven deadly sins? People! It was a popular film with Brad Pitt. You have the ultimate Cliff Note. Lot takes them in and he protects them. What happens next? Anybody? Greta, before she pulls her rotator cuff. God spares Lot and his family. Bingo! Two week cruise for Greta! You're going to the Bahamas. When you think about it, God is like Blanche DuBois. He relies on the kindness of strangers. That's what the story's about. About us taking care of each other. God relies on us to take care of each other. I don't learn about your faith by asking questions like that. Cos those aren't questions about faith. They're about religion. There's a difference between religion and faith. Faith is not about having the right answers. Faith is a feeling. Faith is a hunch that there's something bigger connecting it all. Connecting us all together. And that feeling, that hunch, is God. And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening, to connect with that feeling, that is an act of faith. All I have to do is look around the room at this packed church to know that we're doing pretty well as a community. Even if you all failed my pop quiz. (LAUGHTER) Let us pray. 'We talked about how we needed to kick the dust off our faiths,' 'bring them up to speed with the times.' 'No more old routines.' 'Jake said we'd give them an Old World God with a New Age spin.' (CHANT) Feel the prajna. 'Our first idea was to turn this abandoned gay disco into a Catholic-Jewish/senior centre/ karaoke lounge.' 'Fiddler On The Roof meets Lord of the Dance, meets Buena Vista Social Club.' 'Not an easy idea to sell. But we were gonna push the envelope.' 'We were gonna bring our religions into the 21st century anyway we could.' 'We were gonna shove them a little if we had to.' 'We were gonna be like young cops on the force who shake things up.' 'The God Squad.' # 'Smooth' - Santana # It's just like the ocean # Under the moon # It's the same as the emotion # That I get from you # You got the kinda loving that can be so smooth # Give me your heart # Make it real # Or else forget about it # Nice. Oh! So Ben Lewis comes in this morning. Tells me he's retiring. Rabbi Lewis? Yeah. Wow, that's the end of an era. I know! How long before they give it to you? There are a few backward thinkers on that board. They don't get what I do. Plus, there's the fact that I'm single. Single? Don't think that's not an issue. Wait a minute. Are you saying if you don't find a nice Jewish girl, you won't get this job? There has not been a bachelor head rabbi at B'nai Ezra since the beginning of the synagogue. Wow. You'd better start getting out there more. Tell me about it! It's embarrassing. But you do want to meet somebody, right? I wanna meet someone in a spontaneous, casual manner. And it's almost impossible with me. Why? Because I'm a rabbi! Yes! What's your point? When I meet a woman I wonder if she likes me for me or cos I'm a rabbi. There's a certain expectation. I can't go with my impulses. Jews want rabbis to be Jews they have no time to be. And Catholics want priests to be the people they have no discipline to be. We knew that. Oh, no, man! Check this out! God Squad in the house. Hi, Shakaz. You gonna give it up? Get ready to say your prayers, cos I am in no mood today. Watch your ass! # Come on # Turn me loose # Turn it up # Power to the people, y'all # Turn me loose # Hey... Ow! # ..with the 808 # (PANTS) Bye. See you guys. Tell your mother I said hi. I gotta quit playing those guys from the Jewish Theological Seminary. It really lowers the bar. Can I just say oy. Amen to your oy. What happened to our youth? It ended at 30, pal. Hey, speaking of our youth, I forgot to tell you. Guess who called me? Who? Think about who was the coolest woman we have ever known. That's easy. Anna Riley, eighth grade. No question. You got it. What? She called you? Yeah! Anna Riley called you? Yeah. Why? She's coming here for work and wants to get together. She looked me up. Really? Yeah. What does she do? She's analysing synergies or synergising analogies or something. I couldn't follow it. She's a high-powered business... You know. Woman? Woman. Thank you. You told her about us? She flipped. In a good way. She laughed, but she was excited. That is so cool! I know. I wonder why she called you? What do you mean? I mean, she called you. What, are you in eighth grade still? It's a legitimate question. We're both listed. Finn before Schram, OK?! You're ridiculous. That's a good point. Alphabetical. 1 We should toss this. We look like idiots. Shut up. We do not. You shut up! Think she's changed? No, she still weighs 88lbs and listens to Leif Garrett. For the record it's Leif. Long A. Didn't you see the Behind The Music? Come on, admit it. You're excited. The three of us hanging together again. Is that her? No. No! Wow. (BOTH) Hail Mary... ..full of something. Hello, boys! (LAUGHS) I don't understand. I'm like a plumber except I fix leaky corporations. (ALARM) Whoa. Jake Schram. How are you? Who are you? Tell me everything. Job, girls, news. I know him. You start. Catch us up. Job is good. Men? Really good. News - my parents are retired. Men? I take yoga. That's my life. Men? Come on! Give it up. I don't have time for relationships. I work 100 hours a week. You've no idea. Hey, excuse me. I think we work pretty hard for a tough... Yep, it's our boss. Full-time thing. No, I work harder than God. I'd have made the world by Thursday. So you're saying we'll never see you. For you guys, I'll make time. Wow, I feel special. That's mine. I got it. I got it. I got it! I got it, man. OK. Thanks. Are you OK? Go. Remember the names of some kids? Remember Aram Salaam? He said he couldn't get a ticket cos his father had diplomatic immunity. Elan Portnoy. He always complained. He was always smoking pot. (ALL LAUGH) Remember our shoplifting club? You had to steal something to join. You stuck a basketball under your shirt and said you were pregnant. I pulled it off. You were 12! It was New York, it was the '80s. You could get away with anything. We should get home. It's late. I'm still on West Coast time. It's eight my time. Let's do something. This is a rectory. Sounds like a dirty word. Rect-ory. Great place to meet chicks. Totally. I'll bet(!) What's your chick situation? Don't ask. It's not a good story. Why? His congregation's trying to set him up and he doesn't like it. Why? Even pandas don't mate in captivity. What does that mean? All these keep making these dates for me that I can't refuse. They're very intimidating. They're like the Kosher Nostra. It's true! They're only little, but determined. You're getting a bit melodramatic. Oh, yeah?! I was faxed one of their daughter's resumes. Let me see that. 'Ali Decker.' Look at the bottom. She has a skills section. Yes? Jogging is a skill (!) She can't differentiate between a hobby and a skill. Maybe she's a skilled jogger. I have to go on a date with this girl. Why don't I say no? Why don't you? I can't alienate anyone. I need bodies at the temple. Relax. It'll be fine. (Oh, God. Please let this be painless.) Hi! Hi. Right on time. I like that in a rabbi. Hey, this is a great place. My lair. Really nice. Ready in a second. A lot of space. I know. Thanks, Daddy, right? 'You go, girl!' 'No pain, no gain!' Tuesdays With Morrie. I love that book. I'm ready. Do you do these tapes? Are you kidding me?! No. Are you kidding me?! (CHUCKLES) No. They're my life. Exercise is a religion to me. No pun intended. Feel my abs. Not bad, right? Ouch. Punch me. Excuse me? You heard me. I'm not gonna punch you. You'll find, Rabbi, that this princess is no pushover. I can tell. And call me Jake, OK? OK, let's get a few things straight, Jake. One, I like you a lot. And unless my radar's on the blink, I think you like me. Well, we just met - Two! I am many things. No one thing defines me. Are we clear about that, Jake? Yes. Then let me have it! I'm not gonna punch you. Punch me. You're a girl! Hit me. I can take it. I'm not scared. Are you some kind of wuss? I'm not a wuss. (SINGS) Little wuss. (GASPS) Are you OK? I'm fine. Sure? Just get my bag. OK. You said you could take it. That headband's wonderful. I'm so glad you noticed. It was beaded by the mentally retarded. It looks really good though. They're heavily supervised. It seems to... It goes together well. Oh, my God! Get away from the table! Whoa, whoa. It's OK. Here. Thank you. Have a nice day. You're flushing it down the toilet! He'll spend it on booze! I had a great time. Thank you. It was wonderful. Good night. Don't you wanna come up, tuck me in? I shouldn't. Believe me. You should. No, I can't. You're a congregant. You know? I'm saying you can. I want you to. I-I would love to. I just... I have a friend at home. A friend? A male friend. A guy. A dog. A male dog. A puppy named Pinkus. He can wait. No, he's a Rottweiler. Just for a minute. No! Don't! Listen to me. This dog is co-dependent. He'll go to the bathroom over everything. Send me the cleaning bill. Go. No! Stay! You're making me crazy. You're making me - Just come up. Come on! For a minute! I can't! Come on! Ah! Are you OK? Good. Oh, wow. Go, go, go! Thanks! I had a wonderful time! See you in shul. (SOFT MUSIC) Are you playing games with me, Phil? Are you sure? Cos you know better than that, right? OK. If those results are correct then I say we have a deal. I expect it in writing by the end of the day. Yes, by the end of the day, Phil. Did I stutter? Phil, I don't have time for this, OK? (GASPS) Got to go. Phil, got to go. No way! (Oh, yeah, baby.) (SINGS BADLY IN HEBREW) OK, OK. It's OK. Take a break. Take a break. I suck! They'll take away my yarmulke. You don't suck. I suck! OK. Yes, you do. You suck. But you're supposed to suck. This isn't a talent contest. This is a rite of passage. It happens in all cultures. It's about you being 13. God knew your voice would be changing. There's a reason why you do your Haftarah at this age. It's a challenge. He's calling you a chump. Come back at him! Say, 'HaShem, you think you can scare me with biblical Hebrew just cos my balls haven't dropped?' I'm serious! Show him what you're made of. How? By sucking with style! Embrace the suckiness! Say, 'I love that I suck.' I love that I suck. Good! Own it! I love that I suck! I love that I suck! (PHONE RINGS) Good. (BOTH) I love that I suck. Keep going with that. I'll see you next week. Hello? Hello? 'You suck!' Hey, Anna? Is that Tony Robbins' hotline. Sorry. I was just finishing up. How're you doing? How was the big date? That's so funny. I had an impulse to call you last night. 'But it was so late.' You should have. I was stuck here. Really? 'So, how'd it go?' 'Mostly horrible with a few brief moments of excruciating agony.' At least it was long. 'I'm so sorry. What a waste.' People should have to qualify to go out with you. You're too precious. 'That's what I tell them!' They should listen. 'You're the best.' If only you were Jewish. 'Nobody's perfect.' What did you wear? 'What?!' Why should I tell you what I wore? I want to imagine a young rabbi on the prowl. What's your game? Navy-blue button-down shirt. Good colour for your eyes. Navy-blue pinstripe suit. I can picture that. Tasteful, yet with a quiet power. That's me, chic with a quiet power. Shoes? 'Black. Kenneth Cole. Leather.' Size? Big. Ow! Wanna hear about the knot in my tie? Baby, no. Save room for dessert. (LAUGHS) Don't give up hope. 'Keep it alive.' Goodbye, Mr Sharp-Dressed Man. 'Bye-bye.' Oh, nice (!) I have a friend here I thought you might want to see. Will you now please turn to page 508 for Ein Keloheinu? Sorry, Raphae, just hang on one second. I gotta say this before we do this again, cos it's been bothering me. Ein Keloheinu. It's a joyous song. It's a prayer about praising the Lord, telling the Lord how much we love him or her. But I can't seem to get you folks to sing it with any feeling. I mean, I brought in the band. That didn't work. I brought my bongos last week. We agree that was a backwards step. (LAUGHTER) So I've decided to bring in some outside help. Maury, if you would. (ALL SING EIN KELOHEINU) You can even sing along! Come on! Have a little fun with it! That's right!Get up! Get those butts out of those chairs! Up in the cheap seats! I can't hear you up there! Sing it out! Come on! Over 70! Come on! All the young Jews! (CHEERING) You were wonderful. This is astonishing! This is a shul! A house of worship! If my grandfather saw this... This is my daughter, Ruth. She's gonna be a physiotherapist. Rabbi, you are so wonderful. You know my daughter, Hillary. (ALL TALK AT ONCE) Jake, Bonnie Rose. I don't think you've met my daughter, Rachel. Hi, Jake. Hi! This is exciting. We don't get many celebs here. Once Bella Abzug showed up for a bris. I've heard so much about you, I had to see for myself. It was wonderful. You were really really wonderful. We're all aware of your success. She just moved to primetime. Oh, a live feed! Mom does all my PR. I know. Mine, too. No, really. My mom's firm does all my PR. I'm at PMK. We got her special correspondent. Great! She did an interview with Arafat. Yasser! In Arabic. I didn't know that. What you don't know is a lot. You two should get together. Sure. I'm free Thursday. Thursday, that's fine. OK. Nice to see you. This is the man you... I appreciate what you did for us in the war. How upset are they? Let's just say they're less than thrilled. To be honest, we're less than thrilled. With what, specifically? With what, specifically? With guided meditation, specifically. With stand-up comedy in sermons, specifically. With your loose improvisational style, specifically. With people enjoying services? People showing up at all? To be serenaded by the Harlem freaking Gospel choir?! At least they prayed! It was a hell of an Ein Keloheinu. It's not kosher! What does that mean? Study your Gemara! Do you feel this way? It's not your ideas. Your ideas are good. But sometimes you're too aggressive in the execution. But, Ben, come on! It was working! I know, I know. You like to shake things up. That's good. When it works! But you have to remember people come here for a sense of continuity. It's not just the board. It's your congregation. Mrs Katz likes to sing the Ein Keloheinu the way she knows it. Tradition is not old habit. It's comforting to people. I'm not interested in baby-sitting Mrs Katz. I want people to grow. Otherwise, what are we doing? I know. I know. I know. But you have to be patient with them. You'll find that people will go a lot farther if they feel they're being led and not pushed! . Good for you, Anna. I'm proud of you. No more 'woman behind the man' shit. Most men are unworthy of the opportunities they've had. As a woman on your own, what do you do with that victory energy? Don't you want someone to share it with? Take lovers. I've had more dates than Jake. Mom! It's true. And when lovers bore, which they will, sublimate. I take classes. Me, too! What's your favourite? Kabbalah. You? Kick boxing. I used to, but it was too high impact. I take Tae Bo now. It's doubled my energy. You should try it. I need that high impact. Yeah. I do Native American drumming. You take Tae-bo? Oh, look at those pomegranates. Oh, Our lady's bedstraw. The most poetic herb. Over to you. Anyone new in your life I should know about? Wow! 20 minutes. I can't believe it (!) It's my right to check. What about the Shapiro girl? No, not again! She's a looker. The problem's here. Bad skin? No, not bad skin. What? OK. I take her to dinner. She doesn't want dessert. I get pecan pie. She asks for a bite. Her face swells up. She says, 'Are there nuts in this?' So what? It was pecan pie! There must be someone for you. I don't wanna discuss it! He has a very hot prospect. Who? Rachel Rose! OK? Rachel Rose. That's who I'm going out with. ABC Rachel Rose? Yes, ABC Rachel Rose. I could be in-laws with her. Peter Jennings would be at the wedding. Speaking of in-laws, Ethan and Jackie took me to her mom's play. How is Ethan? He's great. He just got a promotion. He's a vice president now. They gave him Dad's old office. How nice (!) I got to hear it from you. If you called to congratulate him - I don't wanna talk about it. He'd be happy to hear from you. Jake, please! Don't spoil this, huh? I got you. I'm proud of you. I got this beautiful garden. I've reconnected with this great old friend. Let's just hold hands and breathe, hmm? Together. (RUTH AND ANNA BREATHE) You're not breathing, Jake. I'm breathing. I don't hear you. I don't breathe audibly, but I breathe. (SPANISH) Mm-hmm. I've got to go. I've got to go. I've got to go! Really got to go. Hi. Just have that implanted in your ear. I'll be top of the list. (SPEAKS SPANISH) Beep, beep! Hello, young sir! Hello, Radio Man. (RADIO PLAYS) Feel like I'm in 'The Godfather'. I'm God's consigliere. Got to go through me to get to him. Whoa! Children. (SPEAKS SPANISH) I totally forget how amazing New York is. I know. I think whoever said it, it was really true. True New Yorkers understand that people living elsewhere must be in some sense kidding. (LAUGHS) Can I ask you a question? Yeah, anything. It's personal. Wait a second. Are we gonna have the sex talk? Yes! I wanna know how this works for you. Fire away. Really? Really. I know you got a list. OK. Well, you don't? No. Right. At all? At all. Have you ever...? Had sex? Yes. With women? Yes. So you're not gay. No. You sure? Yes. If I was, the rules are the same. Do you miss it? No. Are you tempted? No. If the rule went, you'd be psyched. I don't even think about it. Do you fantasise? I have dreams sometimes, but not really. How come? I've seen how women look at you, even if they know you're a priest. I'm not blind. How do you deal with that? It's not an issue for me. It's really not. I'm past that point. I'm completely committed to what I do, to my work, to ministering. It defines me completely as a person. And it fulfils me. I'm very happy. That sacrifice is a gesture. A symbol of my commitment. That's quite a gesture. I know. It's like quitting smoking. The first year is tough. Then you don't care if you see people smoke. I quit smoking two years ago. When people smoke I wanna kiss them to suck the smoke out of them. Don't be a priest. I really admire your commitment. I don't think I could take it. You've given up things. Yeah, but there comes a point where I just crave contact. Like I want to touch someone and be touched. You're amazing. Thanks. You're welcome. (LAUGHS) Thus endeth the sex conversation? Thus endeth. I bet no one ever asked the Dalai Lama these questions. You know what? Len! Don't argue with me. I have it here, and it's not right! I'll be back soon. Run it again. God, I hate these Harvard guys! Mmm! Rachel Rose. When's that going down? Thursday. Thursday, 8pm, dinner. Are you excited? I have a good feeling. Where you taking her? I don't know. I thought Ernie's. You can't take her to Ernie's! It's been around since we were kids! You cannot take her to Ernie's. Definitely not Ernie's. Take her somewhere new and hot. Hot. Definitely hot. What's new and hot? What do we know about her? 29, Columbia School of Journalism, Middle East affairs expert. Middle Eastern. She can order in Arabic. Give her a chance to shine. Where's good? Delphini's. Four stars, New York Times. Need a reservation. Suit or casu? I don't know. I guess casu. (BOTH) No! Suit. Shut up, Rain Man! Seriously. Enough! Now I'm thinking about this. Relax. You'll do great. What if you guys came with me? You wanna bring a priest to your first good date in two years? What kind of strategy is that?! I'm not taking a priest. I'm taking my friend and his girlfriend. We could make it like a double date. Pretend you're a couple. What's wrong with that? What, are you busy? You can bring your phone. I'm always busy. That's not the point! What is the point? You can go without a chaperone. I don't need a chaperone, I just need some help. Please? I'm begging you. That's the way business is going. People want their news to be edgy. That's why Brokaw stands now. What? Tom Brokaw stands when he reads news. The whole time? Yeah. He does? He's being doing it for a year. Really? I gotta watch the news more. I saw your sarin gas report. Very powerful. Thanks. I earned my stripes with that piece. I earned mine by doing a bris without fainting. I talked McDonald's out of McOyster. And a grateful nation thanks you. Made me a star. How long have you two been together? Oh, God. Well, we go way back. We've all known each other since we were kids. I had a crush on Anna. Really?! I told you that! No, you didn't. Anyway, we reconnected a couple of months ago and we just clicked. Very unexpectedly. It's great to be friends first. Always. Friends first. So, do you write your own reports? Yeah. I wouldn't trust anyone else to get them right. You write your own sermons, right? I download them off the Net. There's this great service www.hotgod.com. Really?! Ow! No. No, I was kidding. So you do write your own? Yeah. He writes beautiful sermons. I improvise a lot. It keeps everybody, myself included, on their toes. I guess you can't do that too much with the news. What? Riff. Oh. No, not really. You know, I bet the Middle East is lovely this time of year. Well, not if you're Kurdish. (BEEPER) Excuse me. Oh, my God! The Iraqi Defence Minister just committed suicide. Is that bad or good? Well, it... Brian, explain to him. I will. How do you think it's going? She's really beautiful. She's great too. She's very adult. We're very impressed. And you look hot in your suit. Thank you. You look beautiful. You look amazing. Thanks, men. Yeah. There's something about you tonight. An absence of something. The cellphone. Uh-uh-oh. It's set to vibrate. Oh, my...! Wow. That's sexy. Don't you ever want to be free of it? No. You don't understand. I have a relationship with my phone. We have a chemistry together. I can't explain it. Chemistry's a funny thing. It is. Are you speaking abstractly or specifically? Abstractly. Well, looks like I'm going to Baghdad. You might only drive short distances to work each day. You might not drive your car to work at all. You might park securely at work. Or these days, everybody travels to you. Maybe you only do school runs. Or you work from home, so drive mostly on the weekend. At Youi, we get that everyone's not the same, so we tailor your insurance premium to how you use or don't use your car. Call: Or go to youi.co.nz today. Two seconds. It was a pleasure. Nice to meet you. Good luck to both of you. Thank you. Talk to you soon. OK. All right. (BOTH) OK. I'll` I'll Talk to you. Call me. Call me soon. Thanks again. Bye. What are you thinking about? (LAUGHS) It's funny, I was at the Met yesterday. Again? I go every week. I noticed this little painting. A watercolour by Bonnard. I've probably passed it every single time, and I don't know why, but this time I looked at it. And I was just... I was riveted. It was so beautiful. I was just wondering why I never saw it before. Sometimes we don't see certain things until we're ready to see them in a certain way. You know? Very true. Yeah. Hey, what's going on with Ruth and Ethan? Oh, Ethan married a Catholic girl. And that did not go over well. That's why they're fighting? They're not fighting. They're not talking. Two years now. No communicado. Are you serious? Totally. What, weren't they really close? As close as Ruth and Jake. Wow. That explains a lot. Yeah. You see why tonight is not just a date. Hmm. I feel terrible about having to cut the night short. That's fine. I totally understand. When the beeper beeps. I'm just going to be packing. Want to come up for a nightcap? Keep me company? Um, I'd love to, but I think I should let you do your thing. I mean, you have to go to Baghdad. Yeah, long flight, I know. OK. But when you get back, we should definitely get together. I would love to. It's a date. OK. OK. All right. Bye. Bye. Taxi! Well, this is me. Wanna come up for awhile? I'd love to, but I should get home cos I have an early conference call. Me too. I've got to talk to the big guy. (LAUGHS) Right. He calls early. Rain check, though. Yeah, definitely. OK. Good night. Good night. Good night. Hi. Hi. What are you doing here? I don't know. What am I doing here? I haven't screamed that hard since the US hockey team beat the Russians. You're incredible. I've wanted to do that since you got off the plane. Really? Right away? You hadn't seen me in 16 years. I know. You were this tough, sexy, straight ahead businesswoman. I wanted to take you to security and give you a cavity search. That would have been impulsive. Well, this was pretty impulsive for me. Believe me. But good though, right? Yeah. I just... I mean it could get complicated. Hmm. What would those at work say if they knew you were sleeping with a rabbi? It could be a scandal. Oh. Listen. You know what my life is like. And I'm only here for a little while. And I'm fine just hanging out, having a great time with you. But sometimes I wanna jump you, too. What can I say? Is that OK? Yeah, it's OK. It's more than OK. Think we should say anything to Brian? I think it might be a little weird for him. You don't think he'd understand? No, I just... I don't know. I think we should keep it simple. I'm for simple. I have something simple that I'd like to discuss with you. # Do you wanna know # If everything glittering # Will turn into the gold # I see in your hair? # I feel it could be there # Somehow # Tonight # And do you wanna find # Something worth saving? # The change would do me right # Cos I've been just waiting # And hesitating # With this heart # Of # Mine # You're still a mystery # But there's something so easy # How you're sweet to me # I feel completed # Like it's something I needed # For this heart # Of # Mine # There's always something so tragic # About a hopeless romantic # Oh... # I have a Jake Schram here for Anna Riley. Yes. OK. I'm gonna be coming here a lot, so maybe in the future we don't have to do this whole name thing. You'll say, 'Hi, Jake,' and I'll say, 'Hey, T-Bone.' That pass is good for one hour. OK. Thank you. Wednesday you have a due diligence call at seven and a dinner at eight. I'll make the call, but cancel the dinner cos I've a class. He's late. Oh, my God! Are you guys getting serious? No, no, no. Yes, you are. No, we're not. I saw it. I can tell. No, no. (He's here.) Hey. Hi. Debbie, this is Jake. Jake, vice versa. Hi. Hi, Jake. Can I just say, good for you. Thank you. You're welcome. Er, Debbie? Debbie? Deb... What? Oh! The numbers are good for you? Good. Just run one more scenario and assume an 8% IRR. Bye. (LAUGHS) Hi. Are you really going with an 8% IRR. Cos I go with 15% at least. Stick with the Torah. Look at this place. This is ridiculous! This is so impressive! Wow. Hi again. Hey. Can we close your blinds and - Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. What? I wanna show you something. Remember that guy I told you about? The guy... The guy... Oh, that guy. Mr 23rd Floor. Check it out. Right there with the huge plant. I doubt anything's going on. Trust me. Whoa! Holy majoly! I told you. Does he have music on in there? He's like porn slapping her. We should go now. He has a healthy self-confidence. I can tell from his posturing. Let's go. Hang on. I'm learning something. We'll be late. You'll benefit from this. We'll be late. You'll benefit from this. I can't Wednesday. I have a class. What are these classes? I try new things. Don't, I get embarrassed. You shouldn't be embarrassed. A lot of people do aikido. Nope. Line dancing? Not even close! What is the big deal? Why can't I know? Jake! Feng shui? No. You shouldn't be embarrassed about feng shui. OK, don't tell me. I don't even need to know. I like the mystery. It's sexy. Turns me on. Good. OK. I have to pee. Hold on, I wanna tell you something. Listen. Hold that thought. (HUMS) Look who's here! Hey! Hey. Holy... How are you doing? Larry, Ellen, what are you doing here? We're buying a turkey (!) We're seeing a movie! Are you alone? No. I mean, I'm with an old friend. Why are you with a friend when Emma Gerber wants you to see her daughter? It wouldn't hurt to call her, her family's very wealthy. Although she's no Rachel Rose. But they'd contribute. I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna call her, but right now I'm taking a break from dating. Why? It's a little too much... Whoa! We were just discussing Rachel. Naturally. Did you come together? No, no, no. We just... This is why I love New York. (ALL LAUGH) These are my movie girls. We're gonna see the Garcia picture. So are we! My daughter's been back from Libya, like, a week. Right. Yeah. She told me that she called you a couple of times. We've been trying to connect. She was very disappointed not to connect up with you. Hey. Hey. Perfect. Great. This is your friend? This is my buddy... ..Anna. These are people` Larry Friedman, president of the synagogue. His wife. I've heard so much about you. Bonnie Rose. And the Luntzes? (BOTH) Lentzes. Hi. And all of these people are all members of the congregation. Got it. I don't think I got your last name. Riley. Riley? Oh. Anna and I, and Father Brian, as children, we used to play. What movie are you seeing? The... Garcia. He's in that, right? I don't think so. Let's go. 'Where are the paper towels?' 'There are no paper towels!' 'Jesus Christ! I am in a crisis! I need help.' 'I need someone who can see there's no paper towels and go buy some!' 'How can you get all the way home and not deal with paper towels?!' You OK? Yeah. 'I need someone with a little common sense.' 'Why don't you get somebody else?' OK, what? If we were going out, I'd be pissed. If we were going out, that was a very scary situation for me, and you just made it worse. I'd say that's no excuse for what went on. I'd say, I'm sorry. Too bad. That's the way it is! Deal with it! I'd say - What would you say? Bring the pain! (LAUGHS) Say it! Say it all. I guess it's a good thing we're not going out. Thank God. Thank God. I wasn't really mad. Were you? No. You're still getting a spank. You're in such good shape. Are you all right? No, no, no. You have to stretch. You have to or you'll tighten up. Ah! Does that hurt? No, it feels good. (GASPS) Harder. Harder. (GASPS) OK, that's enough. You're such a wimp. (GASPS) (PHONE RINGS) 'This is Anna. Only three people have my number, if you're not one of them, leave me alone.' 'Hey, it's me. Are you there?' (STRANGE VOICE) 'Hello? Pick up the phone.' 'You're probably still at work. It's not important. I was thinking about you.' 'Maybe we could do dinner this week. Just you and me.' 'This is Brian, by the way.' You know where to find me. Call me, OK? Bye. I have to go! No, no, no! Give me 20 minutes. 20 minutes? I'm late! It's becoming a bad habit. 15 minutes. 14 and a half minutes. Please? I have to go back to the mines. We all do have to go back to the mines. Don't you have work? Yes. We're doing a hostile takeover of congregation Bertov Sholem. OK. You do that. I'm officially going now. Whoops. Toll booth. Ding-dong. Time to pay the toll. OK. (CHUCKLES) There. I paid. God was showing off when he made you. OK, go. But you'll be back. They all come back. (WHISTLING) (HUMMING) Ah, yes. They all come back. Sooner or later, they all... Hey. Hi. How are you? I'm good. You? What's up, my man? What are you doing here? I want the karaoke. Am I interrupting something? Yeah, I got a blonde in the back (!) Let's go. Right now? OK. OK. OK. Come in for a second. No. The place closes in 20 minutes! Come in for one second. Hey, ADD boy. Right here. You wanna get it, let's get it. Be with me when we get it. Stay focused. OK? OK. Test, test. Sibilance, sibilance. I'm the king of rock. There ain't none higher. This doesn't work. The guy's in the back. I can't find him. Contractor wants to do a walk-through on Tuesday. Can you do that? Tuesday. We have to punch up or punch out. I didn't understand. I said OK. No, I can't Tuesday. I have to mourn with the Schwartzes. What about Thursday? He can do that. Er, I can't do that. I got a thing. Can you cancel it? Cos we're getting really behind schedule. No, it's just this thing. Anna wants me to take her to an office party... deal. Really? Is it like a big thing? No! Just she needs someone to... You know, go with. I mean, she just` She never mentioned it to me. It's not a` It's whatever. # Jesse, he's a friend # And he's always been a good friend of mine # But lately something's changed # that ain't hard to define # Jesse got himself a girl # and I wanna make her mine # And she's watching him with those eyes # And she's loving him with that body of hers, I just know it! # You know that I want Jesse's girl # De-nu-nu-nu-nu-nuh # (CHINESE ACCENT) How you guys doing? I'm Don. Don? Don, rhyme with flan. You have any questions? Yes, indeed, Don, we do. Is this a good machine? Yes, it's good if you're a cheap bastard. (LAUGHS) No, just doing comedy with you! That one is OK. If you're serious about karaoke - We are. Then there's only one model for you, the Audio 2000. This baby got 16-bit dual DA converter, three-beam tracking. Digital key controller to change the pitch if your voice sucks! But I don't need that. That's nice. How much? Price is not important! Price is very important, actually. OK, take me away! It's a little expensive. But let me tell you, it's worth it. When you sing to your girlfriend and her heart... Boom! ..fall down on the floor, then you say, 'Thank you, Don!' How much does it cost exactly? (AMERICAN ACCENT) All right, here's the real deal, OK? I don't usually do this but you guys look like cool guys and I got a piece of ass last night, so I'm feeling extra generous. I'm gonna let you have it for 1,300. 1,300? Final offer. Excuse me. I just got a little warm. My friend, he gets a little warm. Oh, man! What is that? Get out of here with that. Is that real? Oh, yeah. Trust me, they'll love you. They're fascinated by anyone who can survive on less than a 100,000 year. All right. OK. I feel ready for this. Give me some business terms so I sound knowledgeable. Standard BSC deal. What?! Booze, schmooze and cruise. Wait. How do look? Incredible. Do I have anything in my teeth? Let me see. No. You look perfect. Thank you. You ready, Rabbi? Not at all. But let's do it anyway. OK. # What do you think? # What do you feel? # What do you know? # To be real # Anna, come here. We're doing shots. Sorry. I have to borrow her. You think you can talk? This woman can talk. Oh, Len. You know you can. Thank you. That's his problem. He's afraid to drive. If the guy would just go down the middle like Sprewell. Hi. Excuse me, rabbi. Sorry, but a question of Talmudic precedent requires your attention. Excuse me. Very good. Talmudic? Where'd you learn that? Look at the city. Do you think Len was a Ritalin child? (LAUGHS) He still is. Those guys love you. They love me cos I bust their balls. No. They respect you. It's amazing. You should be running that company. They want me to. What do you mean? They asked me to run a hi-tech group in San Francisco. Anna, are you serious? I kinda knew it was coming. Who else would they give it to? Listen to you. You're, like` That's incredible! If you think I had no life before, I'll disappear. But this is everything you've worked for, right? I'm so proud of you. Really? Yeah! Of course really. Here's the thing, Jake. I've been thinking about it and, urm... ..I'm excited. But I'm not as excited as I am about you and me. And I don't want to go cos I wanna be near you. So I thought I'd ask for a transfer and stay here. What do you think? Wow! Urm, that's... ..unexpected. It is? Yeah. Are you sure that that is the best thing? For you? Oh. I don't know. I thought you'd be excited. No, I am. I... I... I'm sorry. I thought... Am I off base here? No, you're not. It was just an impulse. It's fine. Totally fine. I thought we... I know. I think that tequila shot made me giddy. Should we go and talk about this? No, no, no! It's totally great. It's so fine. I'm having a great time. Let's just have fun, OK? No, I don't... Oh. Whoa! Let's go dance. . . (SINGS IN HEBREW) Amen. Amen. (ALL LAUGH) Psycho! Psycho! I can't laugh. My spleen hurts, I'm so full. How were you a skinny kid with such cooking? He was always blessed. He got my genes. Ethan on the other hand is another story. When he was a kid he was such a little chubb. He missed school one day cos he couldn't fit into his pants. You're joking?! It's true! He had to call in fat. (ALL LAUGH) Mom! He never called in fat. Give the guy a break. He looks good these days. He works out with a trainer. Jackie has him on this regimen. He looks trim. He looks good. He's looking trim cos she can't cook. She's a good cook. You'd learn that if you tried her food. I don't want to talk about this anymore, get it? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What were we talking about? The meal was so good. Thank you. Hear! Hear! As always Someone has to feed all these skinny people. Now you guys get the dishes and the ladies will talk. Jake, put on some water for tea, will ya? Just like a fairy tale. These flowers framing you. That's called a huppah. Wow. Oh, my God! You look so beautiful together. Please. We were so young. We were kids. I give Jake grief, but you're doing it the right way. It takes 10 years to know yourself enough to stop being a total idiot. It's hard enough without binding yourself to another total idiot. What's scary is when you spend those 10 years going after the things you thought were important, get those things, and then feel that you went after the wrong things, and where the important things are concerned, you're still a total idiot. Can I ask you a question? Uh-huh. Is my son a good kisser? You're in a good mood. I'm usually in a good mood. But you're in a particularly good mood right now. OK, yes. Yes, I am. I'm in a very good mood. OK. Do you want to share anything? Not quite yet. Maybe soon though. Really? Soon? Yeah. OK. Well, you let me know. I'll be looking out for that. That's what she said. (CRIES) I'm so sorry. Jesus, what happened? Nothing. Girl talk. We're fine. I didn't go into explicit detail, but she knows we weren't holding hands. God! I can't believe you did that! We agreed this was between us! Jake, I didn't tell her! She knew! Did you at least try to deny it? Come on, Jake! She knew! No wonder she was crying! I was crying, too, all right? We had a very nice talk about it. Yes, she was upset, but not angry. No, that's the face she put on for you. I don't think so. I know, OK?! Trust me, you have no idea of the nightmare I'm in for! This is not a nightmare, OK? So stop it. Hey! Look at me. (SIGHS) Look at me. I am in love with you, Jake. I love you, too. (LAUGHS). No. You are in love with me, you jerk. You're scared to say it cos of what it involves. Yes, I am! Yeah, me, too. But I'm dealing with it because I'm overwhelmed by this feeling that I have for you. And I wanna see if I can work it out. Great! How do I work it out? OK. Let's just take it from the top. Don't talk to me about your mother, your brother, your synagogue. Just you. What do you need to work it out? Those things are me, understand? I can't separate them out. It might be hard fir you to accept, but the fact that you're not Jewish is a real problem for me. I don't think so. OK, OK! All I'm saying, Jake, is that you should be honest with yourself. If it was just up to you, you'd stick with this and see where this relationship is going, but it's a problem for you because you assume that all the people in your life can't deal with that. They can't! Well, give them a little credit, Jake. It's the 21st century. The 21st century? What does the 21st century have to do with this?! This is you and me, right?! We were supposed to be having a good time! Keep it simple! Well, that's my point. I'm having fun. I'm having fun, too! This is a lot of fun (!) Whoo (!) Exactly. So why throw it away? Look, maybe you're right. But can't you see that you're asking me to risk losing everything that's important to me just to see if we work? I love you. But we're so different in so many ways that have nothing to do with whether you're Jewish. What are you saying? That we have different priorities. Look at your life. I don't think there's room in it for what I spiritually committed to. That is so unfair! Your faith is a huge part of what I love about you. But you have to have some patience for the fact that it doesn't come as easily for most people as it does for you. And you know what? You will never find the kind of relationship that I know you want and you are never going to be the kind of spiritual leader you could be, until you learn to put a little faith in other people! I'm not saying, 'Let's get married.' All I'm saying is I am in love with you and I want to give it a real shot. That's all I'm saying. I don't know what to say. How about, 'I've been waiting for someone like you my whole life, and I'm not gonna let you go'? I'm sorry. You think you're sorry? Wait till you realise I just went out that door and I'm not coming back! This is my apartment. You get out! (PHONE RINGS) It's for you. Who's calling at this hour? It's barbaric. I don't know. I'm sorry. I was dreaming about my mother's sausages. Hello? Brian? (CRIES) Hey. What's wrong? I need to talk to you. Can you come over? Please? Don't move. I'll be right over. No, I'll be right there. OK. (KNOCK ON DOOR) (WHIMPERS) (CRIES) Hi. Are you OK? Terrific. I came running right over. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you so late. It's fine. Don't worry about it. What's wrong? Everything. What do you mean? Me! What do you mean you? You're perfect. I am a loser! You're a world beater. What are you talking about? I'm a workaholic! No, you're not. Pfugh! OK, yes, you are. But you're our workaholic and we're proud of you. Brian. What? You're my friend, and if I ask you something, you'll answer honestly, right? Of course I will. You know I will. When you look at me, when you look at my life, do you say to yourself, 'Now, there's a girl whose values are all out of whack?' No. And certainly not in that voice. Have I got no spirit? What? I don't mean spirit! I know I'm fun to hang out with. I mean, does my life seem shallow to you? Am I spiritually empty? No. Are you crazy? You've got more spirit in you than half the goofs running around in robes. You're a natural. You radiate. What...? Trust me. What's going on here? What's this really about? I don't even know where to begin, Brian. You're my best friend and I've been keeping all this stuff from you. All these feelings, and now something's happened and I can't keep it from you any more. I feel bad. No, it's OK. No, it's not OK. I have things I have to tell you and I feel bad. I have things I gotta tell you, too. Mine are big! Mine are really bad. I think I need to get it off... It's OK. I love you, too. What? I love you. That's what you're trying to say but you're scared because it's me, so I'll say it first. Br- Brian - It's OK. Trust me. We can't fight it. It's too strong. What? It's OK. No, Brian! I can't! It's the vows, isn't it? It's the vows. They make you feel guilty. I can't believe it. God! I should have never of had that sex talk with you. I knew it! No. In the back of my head was this voice saying, 'Don't go here.' Brian, You don't understand. For the first time ever, I feel jealous of Jake. I envy him. It would be so easy if I was him. I picked the wrong gig. Brian, let me talk to you! Come on. Come on. Admit it. If I wasn't a priest, if I was a rabbi, you could fall in love with me without guilt! Listen to me! What? I am in love with a rabbi. Sorry? I'm in love with Jake. (LAUGHS) Yeah. That's what I was trying to tell you. I'm stunned. I mean, I'm... I'm stunned. I'm paralysed. What...? Excuse me, my mouth just went all dry. I can't believe this. When... When did this happen? We've been together since July. (GASPS) July. Oh! July. We knew we should have told you but we weren't sure how you'd react. We thought it would be the better choice. I'm glad you saved it cos it's definitely less weird for me now (!) Brian. Brian! You don't drink. Excuse me, but I think in light of recent revelations neither of us is in a position to say what the other one does or does not do with much authority, wouldn't you say? (LAUGHS) Oh, God! You must think I'm such an idiot. No, Brian! I mean, I think I'm an idiot. All these moments with you, I've been walking around on a cloud, and... (LAUGHS) it's just been reflected glow off of you and Jake. That's not true. I'm so embarrassed. I... God, talk about a bad case of the third wheel. Oh, Brian! It's like I'm on some bad new Aaron Spelling show. Melrose Priest. No! I don't get this! Why now? Why tell me like this after months of lying? Why call me over in the middle of the night and cry to me and... He broke up with you, didn't he? (CRIES) That moron broke up with you. And you called your old friend, the priest. Well, I... No, it makes total sense. It's just... Tonight I didn't want to be one. Oh, Brian! (CRIES) (JEWISH MUSIC) (SINGS SQUEAKILY IN HEBREW) Yes, yes, I heard about that. My grandfather and my father were both mohels. Excuse me, folks. I'd like to make a toast to... < Rabbi Jacob Schram? < Rabbi Jacob Schram? Rabbi Jacob Schra...? Oh. Hello. Excuse me, may I help you? Yes, you may, may you. I am Father Brian Finn. I'm looking for my old friend, Rabbi Jacob Schram. There he is. Brian, what's going on? Looking smart and breaking hearts, as always. Brian, what are you doing here? Don't smile at me! I'm on to you. And I'm in no mood. What's going on? You're drunk. I'm not drunk. You're drunk. I'm not drunk. I'm Irish. This is milk to me. What the hell is going on here? It's OK. It's not OK! My best friend's been lying to me for months. And he stole my girlfriend on top of it. You want to explain this? Come here. Did I miss something? Did they change the rules? Take your hands off of me! Give me that! Give me that! I can't believe you. You know, you'd better not lie in here, man. This is the big room. God does not look favourably on it. Tends to throw lightning bolts and things at liars! How did you find out? 'How did you find out?' Is that the best you can do? How do you think? She told you. While crying on my shoulder. What did you expect, that she'd take it on the chin after the way you treated her? Hey! Wait a minute! No, you listen to me! Anna is very special. She's not like other girls. You said things to her I resent on her behalf! You can't just write her off like one of your dates. I won't let you do it. Brian, I'm in love with her! OK?! I'm sorry that you found out about it this way. It sucks. But the fact is that we have to work it out together, it's between me and her. No, it was between you and her, and then you mucked things up, and now it's between you and me. Why is it between you and me? Because I love her! I know you love her. I love her too. No. I'm in love with her. What?! Yeah, it came as quite a shock to her, too. Believe me. You're in love with her? No one seems to have picked up on this. It's very strange. It's just... I mean, she's like your sister, Brian. Yes, thank you for adding new depth to my confusion! Dammit, Jake! You have a city full of women at your feet. You could go out with anyone you want to. Why did you have to go and hone in on the first woman I've ever had any real romantic feeling for? Oh, wait a minute. Listen to what you're saying! You're telling me that I should have been sensitive to the possibility that a priest had a crush on my secret girlfriend! So what? So what? You know how much I care about her! You could have guessed it'd end this way. You know yourself. I know myself? What does that mean? You're always trying to have casual flings and relationships and it never works cos the women always fall in love with you! You're smart, funny, cute and yadda yadda, and you know it! Hey, hey! Don't put this all on me! Why? Why? You could have had a fling with anybody, Jake. Why pull Anna into your bed? I didn't pull her into my bed! She pulled me into hers! I don't wanna hear that. I don't believe that! Sorry, it's the truth! She's a woman, not the Virgin Mary! (SHOCKED GASPS) (DOOR SLAMS) 1 Let me get this straight. I am talking to a priest who went on a bender because his best friend, a rabbi, stole his girl. Right. Thank you. I want to thank you for telling me this story. Why? Because now I can retire. You have to give me advice. That's what this is supposed to be about. Oh God. What do I know? I'm a half Punjabi Sikh, one quarter Tamil separatist. My sister married a Jewish doctor from New Jersey. And our other grandmother was an Irish nun who left me this bar. Which is a very long story. You're a Sikh Catholic Muslim with Jewish in-laws? Yes. Yes. It gets very complicated. I'm reading Dianetics. I don't blame you. I thank you for listening to me. I feel like I should ask you for my penance. I don't do penance. I do shots. (LAUGHS) I'll tell you what I know. May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts. And if he cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping. Slainte. Slainte. (GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC) # I'll tell you why # I don't wanna know where you are # I got a joke I've been # dying to tell you # The silent kid is looking # down the barrel # To make the noise that I kept so quiet # Kept it from you, # Pitseleh # Anna? Anna? Huh? # I'm not what's missing # from your life now # I could never be the # puzzle pieces # They say that God makes problems # just to see what you can stand # before you do # as the devil pleases # Give up the thing you love # '(BEEPS)' 'Hey, Brian. It's me again.' 'Please call me, OK, Finn? Brian, call Anna.' 'Please to call. Seriously, I really wanna talk to you. Bye.' '(BEEPS)' I remember I fell in love with this girl in Prague. It was in 1968. She was beautiful. She looked like Carole Lombard. She grabbed me in the alley behind my church. She pressed me against the wall, she kissed me. (SIGHS) I felt like Richard Chamberlain in The Thorn Birds, in the barn with Maggie. I was so happy I could die. You never told me this. Did anything happen between you? Not really. Flirtations, little moments. But then soon after, the Russians invaded Czechoslovakia and I moved to the United States. I'll tell you something. If she had kissed me back, I don't think I'd be sitting here right now. I'd have given it all up. I mean, she didn't, but... I don't know, I just keep thinking about what you said in the seminary about how the life of a priest is hard. And if you can see yourself being happy doing anything else, you should do that. (CHUCKLES) That was my recruitment pitch. Which isn't bad when you're starting out cos you feel like a marine. The truth is you can never tell yourself there's only one thing you could be. If you are a priest or if you marry a woman, it's the same challenge. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again and again and again. I've been a priest over 40 years and I fell in love at least once every decade. You're not gonna tell me what to do here, are you? No. God will give you the answer. (SPEAKS SPANISH) Hey. Hey. How are you doing? What's up? I know you're probably still mad - Probably? No. I'm definitely, definitely still mad, you know? I hope you didn't think you'd stroll over here after a couple of weeks and find me in a good mood? No, I just said I know you're probably still mad at me. What do you expect, you know? I mean, you should have just told me. You should have just told me cos I'd have said no, I'd have been jealous, and told you it'd muck everything up, but at least we'd still be friends. We're still friends! Jesus, I hope we're still friends! Friends don't lie to each other and set each other up to be humiliated like that, Jake. All right, well, that's why I'm here! I wanted to apologise. If you'd let me talk for a second. I want to talk. I've got all these things on my mind. I want to vent a little bit. So talk! Vent! Come on! Vent! Go ahead, vent. OK. Well now I lost my momentum. So go ahead. Say` What do you wanna say? What? I want to say that I think I handled things really badly and I'm sorry. You're my best friend and would you please forgive me? That was very simple and direct. Thank you. You're lucky I'm a priest. Forgiveness kind of comes with the job description. Well, you're a good priest. I got something for you. I almost didn't cos I was so mad at you. But this was too good. Holy shit! That's the Rabbi Schlomo Schnirson rookie card! This is like the last of the series! I know! You've been talking about this card for, like, 15 years. It's in such good condition. Yeah. It's mint. This is, like... Mint. I had to get it. Brian! Thank you. You're welcome. Look. As pissed off as I was, the weird thing is I'm very sorry I didn't get to see you two together. I think that would have made me really happy, in some weird way. Have you talked to her? No. I mean, things are really strange between us now. What about you? Are you guys talking? Are you working this out or anything? No. No. But that is kinda offset by the fact I'm about to lose my job. Are you serious? Uh-huh. What a mess. I'm sorry. And I was really starting to think I had a few things figured out there. Yeah, me too. What happened? Hi. Excuse me if I say I don't think I'm the person to offer objective advice on this particular confession. Brian. (Brian!) You don't have to say anything, OK? Just listen to me. I just wanna say one thing and then I'll go away. You are my friend. Whatever else is going on, I can't have you out there thinking that my feelings for you are tied in to my feelings for Jake. That's not the problem, and you know it. I thought you wanted me and that affected me. I don't know. Maybe that's not fair and I'm reading all kinds of things wrong, but it sure felt that way to me. (SIGHS) I don't know what to say. I, urm... I've just been having so much fun and... ..I've been feeling all these feelings lately. And not just my feelings for Jake, but this... ..reconnecting with this part of myself that's been shut down for a long time. If I indulged those feelings too much with you, or if I took you for granted, I am so sorry. I can't bear that I hurt you. It's not your fault. I totally set myself up for this. I'll tell you something. I don't know which feels worse, having my heart broken or starting to doubt myself, because of what that means for me. Don't you dare doubt yourself. You have a gift and you know it. If you start to doubt that because of me, I don't know what I'd do with myself. I don't doubt myself cos of you. I feel like the best version of myself around you, and that makes me doubt everything else. I don't know what to do, Brian. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. (SIGHS) (LAUGHS) Is it me, or is confession getting a little touchy-feely these days? . Thank you. All right. The lights are working. The cameras came. The chairs are all set up. OK. I sent the invitations out yesterday. We've got the karaoke machine. Oh, no. We need the discs for the karaoke. I have to call Don. I'll do it when I get home. That's all right. I'll do it now. Excuse me! What is that? It's a cellphone. Since when? Since Anna gave it to me. She put God in the speed dial. I called it. It was the Elvis Presley museum. (LAUGHS) Look, I'm sorry. I have to say this. You know she's leaving next week, right? You do know that? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just checking. You guys have been talking? Yeah. We had a good talk. We sort of worked it out. It's OK. Good. It's so obvious you're thinking about her. Are you sure you don't wanna talk about this? Yes, I don't! It's weird to me we haven't talked about this. I don't wanna talk about it. I'd talk about it if I wanted to talk about it. OK. I just think that she's leaving next week, so- Brian, I know. What do you want me to do?! (PHONE RINGS) Rabbi Schram. What? I'm looking for Ruth Schram. Dr Marks. What happened? Your mother collapsed. She suffered a transient ischemic attack. A what? It's an 'almost' stroke. What does that mean ` 'almost stroke'? What are you talking about? She had a temporary blockage of blood to her brain` Is she all right? Bring my Obsession perfume, couple of macaroons and my computer. I gotta get some e-mailing done. Mom, I'm not gonna bring your computer. You gotta rest, OK? The doctor said two days of rest. Two days?! Get outta here. If I have to stay here for two days, I'll give them an ischemic` Whatever the hell I had. (LAUGHS) I assume your brother knows all about this. Yeah. He's stuck in the Hamptons, but he's checking in. Yeah, OK. It doesn't matter. I'll be home by tomorrow. Thanks, guys, for being so dutiful. It's our pleasure. Where's the third musketeer? Miss Riley? Working hard? What? You know what, I need a cup of coffee. I'll get it. No. That's OK. I'm gonna get it. You guys stay and talk. What happened? Look, Mom, I don't want you to worry about this. Everything's fine. I dealt with it. Dealt with it? Dealt with what? Dealt with how? I dealt with it. It's over. I don't... I want to talk to you about this. No. We don't have to talk about it. I wanna talk to you about this! I think you should rest. There's nothing to talk about! Yes, there is. No, there isn't! There is! Sit back. Relax. Listen to me. there's a reason why your brother isn't here. Yeah, I know! No, you don't know. I know and I'm not gonna let that happen again! You don't know! (SIGHS) I made a mistake. It's true he's punishing me a little too much for it, but it was my fault. (SIGHS) It's hard to see your son as a man. I couldn't do that for him. You're a man, Jake. You're a good man. I did a good job with you. Make your own decisions about what's important to you. I'm proud of you no matter what. Mom. I love you. Thank you. (HEBREW SONG) (HEBREW SONG CONTINUES) (HEBREW SONG CONTINUES) Rabbi. Ah. (CLEARS THROAT) How's your mother, Jake? She's good. She's actually here tonight. Oh. That's wonderful. I suppose you have your speech all prepared? Yeah. Yeah. Good. Good. Then you'll go out with a bang, huh? (SINGS IN HEBREW) (MOUTHS WORDS) Shalom. Since Yom Kippur is kind of like the Super Bowl of the Jewish calendar, most rabbis try to cram a whole year's worth of sermons into one kind of big 'best of' sermon. I'm not gonna do that tonight. I'm not gonna talk about the meaning of God, or the situation in Israel or the status of Jews around the world. Um, I'd like to talk about something a little more personal. I'd like to talk about us. The status of you and me. A wise man once told me that no rabbi can save anyone. He can only offer himself as a guide to other fearful people. We live in a really complex world, a world where boundaries and definitions are blurring and bleeding into each other in ways that challenges us not just as Jews, but as human beings. And for a while now you've let me be your guide. You've, er, shared your lives with me. You've explored your faith with me in ways that I know sometimes have seemed a little strange and maybe even a little scary. But you put your trust in me. And over the past few months, I have been violating that trust. I've been violating it because I haven't been sharing my life with you. For a number of months, I've been seeing a woman who isn't Jewish. (GASPING) (MUTTERING) It doesn't matter if I'm still with her, which I'm not, or if I still love her, which I do, very much. What matters is I shouldn't have been afraid to discuss it with you. I'm not sorry for loving her. I am sorry, I am very sorry that I put too little faith in you. Yom Kippur is the day of atonement. And so tonight... ..I stand before you and ask you to forgive me. (POIGNANT MUSIC) This could take a while. Go home. I'll call you as soon as the board makes a decision. Or you could stick around, OK? (DOOR SLAMS) Come on, come on! Yes?! Yes! Yes! Oh! God, don't mess with me like that! Ahh! That's so fantastic. A made rabbi. How does it feel? It feels good. We got a lot to celebrate tonight barring inter-faith rumble at our opening. It's definitely Manischewitz time. Hey, we got two cases delivered. Did you get the discs from Don? No. I'm going to. Don't worry, but... Not to rain on your parade, I just had to say goodbye to Anna cos she's leaving tonight, which I know you know and don't wanna talk about. But there it is. There what is? Come on! What are you doing? What do you want me to do, flagellate myself? Jews don't do that. We plant trees. Who's talking about feeling guilty? I'm saying, you know, you're` I just think you wanna do something about it. You're on such a roll right now. What could possibly be holding you back at this point? You do love her, don't you? Yes, I do. I just... I just... I mean, come on, sometimes that's not enough. What are you`? Listen to what you're saying. 'Not enough?' There's nothing else worth anything against that and you know it! (SIGHS) For years I've listened to you talk about how much you wanted something exactly like this to happen to you and when it comes, you walk away from it over a few very minor complications. What kind of a plan is that? You know how God works. You think he's just gonna drop a gift like that in your lap a second time around just cos you happen to be one of his crew? Seriously, look at me. I'm your friend and I'm telling you, you are making this too complicated. It's a very simple situation. You're in love with her, she's in love with you and she's leaving in about two hours! You need to ask yourself a simple question ` are you going to do anything about it or not? Why are you standing here?! My God, you're right! What am I doing? What am I doing standing here? The sign hasn't changed. This is New York City! Who waits for a sign? Cross the damn street! What, do we all need signs to tell us what to do now? Come on! Cross the street Brian, I gotta go. Yes! Go! Go! Thank you! What happened to free will, the power of human agency? Get across the street. That's right, go! Go! Go forth and prosper. Excuse me, sir, may I help you? Yeah. Hey, T-Bone. I gotta go see Anna. (PHONE RINGS) (CHATTING) I'm sorry, sir. There's no answer at her office. T-Bone, look at me. Don't you recognise my face? It's Jake. What's this in reference to? It's not in reference to anything! I'm just` It's` Do me a favour. This is very important to me. It's personal. Just go up there and tell anybody Jake Schram is here, OK? I'm afraid I can't do that, sir. Oh, man! Help me out. Come on. Just two guys, T. Take me with you. I really would, but I don't know where I'm going yet. What are you talking about? You're going to San Francisco to run the world and lead the exciting life. Don't tell anybody, but I think I need to take a break from this exciting life. Really? Yeah, I do. So, what are you packing there, 280, 290? 320. Oh, 320. Whoa! (GROANS) (BOTH GROAN) OK! OK. OK. All right. Ow! Next time, sir, I suggest you make an appointment. Ow! Hey, hey. Seriously, a toast. A toast. To Anna. To Anna. (ALL) Hear. Thank you. I'll miss you guys. Yeah, right (!) No, really. I'm gonna miss a lot of things around here, like Len's endless Howard Stern recountings. And of course I'll miss my Romeo Casanova boy across the way. What is that? What? Oh, my God! Who is that? It's Jake. What's he doing? I don't know. 'Anna Riley.' Anna? Anna, it's Jake! Can you see me? I can't see you. I'm, like, looking at a reflection of myself. Jake, I can see you. What are you doing? I've been trying to get up there for the last hour, but it's like the frickin' Pentagon with that T-Bone guy. So I decided to try Mr Casanova here. By the way, his name's Howard. 'Listen, there's some things I've been thinking about. I'd like to talk to you.' (FEEDBACK) Am I on speakerphone? (ALL) Hi, Jake! (LAUGHTER) Go on. Can I talk to you alone? Can I come over there? No, I think now would be a good time. OK. All right. Listen, I've been thinking about stuff and I just want you to know I'm sorry. 'And you were right.' About what? About everything. About us, about me, especially about me. 'I've been acting like an idiot.' So what are you saying, Jake? (ALL) Yeah, what are you saying? I'm saying that I love you. I'm in love with you. 'I've been waiting my whole life for someone like you and I'm not gonna let you go.' Please, don't go. 'Anna, I don't want you to go.' Er, could we get off the phone, maybe? (CHEERING) Hello? What's going on? Anna? She's gone, buddy! Move! Move, move, move! (CHEERING) Stuff like that never happens to me. Me, neither. (GASPS) (GROANS) # No jolts # No surprises # No crisis arises # My life goes along as it should # It's all very nice # But not very good-d-d # And I'm # ready to take # a chance again # Ready to put my love on the line # with you # Been living with # nothing to show for it # You get what you get # when you go for it # And I'm ready to take # a chance again # Ready to put my love on the line # with you # Been living with nothing to show for it # You get what you get # when you go for it # (LAUGHS) Hey. Is everything OK here? Yeah. All good things. All good things. # With you # And I'm ready to take that chance... # Hi. (BOTH LAUGH) Rabbi Lewis! Anna, this is Rabbi Lewis. Rabbi Lewis... Good to see you again, Miss Riley. Good to see you again, Rabbi Lewis. You missed our last class. I know. I'm sorry, I thought I was leaving town. Don't look at me in that tone of voice! I'd love to start up again if that's all right with you. I'd be delighted. Anna! Now if you'll excuse us, we've got some dancing to do. Come on. Let's get this started. Let's go. OK, your attention, please. We'd like to kick this off officially. Everybody` It's great to see such a turnout. (APPLAUSE) Thank you all for coming. Congratulations to everybody. I gotta say, it's just wonderful to see so much inter-faith dancing happening. (LAUGHTER) It's like the end of 'West Side Story'. Really warms your heart. (LAUGHTER) Let's give ourselves a hand. This is your place. Enjoy it. Hit it. (MUSIC PLAYS) Hello. Hello. Can I interrupt, or is three a crowd? Not this three! (CHUCKLES) Hold it. # Do you wanna know # if everything glittering # will turn into the gold # I see in your hair? # I feel it could be there # somehow # tonight # And do you wanna find # something worth saving? # The change would do me right # cos I've been just waiting # and hesitating # with this heart # of # mine # You're still a mystery # but there's something so easy # How you're sweet to me # I feel completed # like it's something I needed # for this heart # of # mine # There's always something so tragic # about a hopeless romantic # Oh... # So though we cannot know # If everything glittering # will turn into the gold # I'm through with waiting # and hesitating # I want you taking # this heart # of # mine # Heart # of # mine # Captions by IMS Subtitles. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2013