(TRILLS) (TAP! TAP! TAP!) (LOUD WHISTLING) (GROOVY MUSIC) (SHARP WHISTLING) (MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Get in there, dog! Get in there! (WINGS FLUTTER) (GROOVY MUSIC CONTINUES) Captions by Glenna Casalme. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017 (SQUAWKS) (HAPPY, JAUNTY MUSIC) (LAID-BACK JAZZ MUSIC) (LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC) (SCREECHES) (HAPPY MUSIC) (ENGINE HUMS, RUMBLES) Ooh, Wal Footrot, you're a lucky man. (ROTORS WHIRR) (GASPS) (MEN GUFFAW ABOVE) (LOUD RATTLING) (GASPS, SCREAMS) Ooh, those rural ruffians! (ROTORS WHIRR, LOUD RATTLING) This is not funny, Spit Murphy! (LAUGHS EVILLY) MOCKINGLY: Lady driver, lady driver! (GUFFAWS) Keep still, you squirmy old sod! Whoops, sorry! Um, you'll never miss it. (SQUAWKS) Righto, and away you go! Righto, next, please. Your chairs are now awaiting. Whoops! Morning. Hmm. Bit shy, are ya? Oh, well, we oughta` Whoa! (CRASH!) (GRUNTS, SPUTTERS ANGRILY) Let me go, you... Stop! Uh... No, you're not. There we go. (CLIPPERS WHIRR) (SHOUTS ANGRILY) (CLIPPERS WHIRR) Beauty, eh? Vidal Sassoon job, mate. Come on, Rangi. Rattle your dags, mate. Oh! Sometimes I wonder why I bother coming over to help this fella. (HUMS PEACEFULLY) (HUMS HAPPILY) Next, please! Aw. (PANTS) Smoko, dears! (PANTS EXCITEDLY) Tucker time. Dogs love tucker time! (INSECTS BUZZ) (CHOMPS) What do you think you're doing, you mucky mongrel? I should have used a serviette? A cake fork? (GRUNTS, STRAINS) Dog! Dog! Dog! Come here, Dog. I am a little tied up at the moment. Dog! Dog! Comin' my dear! Get out here this instant! Dog! Dog! Speak up, damn it! Uh, woof-woof! Bloody woof-woof-woof! (DUCKS QUACK IN DISTANCE) Geronimo! (SNARLS) (LOUD RATTLING) (GROWLS) (ROTORS WHIRR) (ROOF RATTLES) Hell's bells! The bloody Murphys! (GROANS, STRAINS) Oi, piss off! (SHEEP BLEAT NOISILY) (CRASH! SPLASH!) Don't panic, Dog. So, you're drowning in a sheep dip. Could be worse. You could be drowning in a cess-pit. What a pity. You were such a promising puppy. You alright in there, little man? Uncle Wallace has a farm. What do you say to that? MAN ON TV: Wal Footrot then has placed the ball. The nation is on tenterhooks. He's 60m out. 65, 70. He's possibly 80m out. (SCREECHES) Nearly in the number three stand. He comes in. One step. Two, three mighty strides. The crowd will tell you he's kicked it! It's a goal! He's done it! Wal Footrot has done it! New Zealand wins! (ALARM RINGS) Oh my God! My God! Ugh! Oh. God, the floor's damp. (GAGS) I probably didn't need to do that either. (SNIFFLE) (EXHALES) Socks. I had socks here last week. Two of them from memory. Ah, here. (STRAINS) (SNIFFS) Cripes. They'll need changing. Oh well. (GRUNTS) A marginal improvement. (STRAINS, SNIFFLES) Oh well, everything in order. (GRUNTS) That's better. I think... Oh, hell! Aunt Dolly! (FRANTIC MUSIC) (PLATES SHATTER, CLATTER) Eh? What are you doing there? (GROWLS) Get outta there. (SCREECHES) Let go, you ratbag. Let go! Let go! (SCREECHES, HISSES) Nope. (SCREECHES) Here we go. 20,000 fridges can't be wrong. Not every fashionable person will be wearing this. Mm. Right. Ow! (CRASH!) Shit! (FRANTIC, RATTLED MUSIC) Gidday, Auntie. What a nice surprise! How nice to see you, Wallace. Looking as immaculate as ever (!) Ooh. OK. How's my little nephew keeping, then? Oh, box of birds, Auntie. Hmm. This place could do with a woman's touch. Oh, I can look after meself. Oh, I wish I could stay here, Wallace. But I have to get back home to Tauranga. Oh, what a shame (!) I've just come down to drop you off a little present from the cat's home. Not a cat. No, silly! It's the puppy your brother promised you. Oh, yeah? Rex's pup? What's wrong with it? He's shy. Aren't ya, darling? What do you, um, call him? Well, I call him... How strange. He used to be such a good-natured little fella. OK, come here,... Dog. (RELAXED MUSIC) How about that, Dog? Does that suit you? (PANTS) (MEOWS) (STEADY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Come on, fella! (PANTS) Major, this is the new dog. Dog, this is Major,... (SNARLS) ...me up-and-coming pig dog. (YOWLS) (MEOWS) Cool it, Dog. Cool it. Come on. I'll show you your kennel. (SNARLS) There you go. Sleep tight, little fella. (CRICKETS CHIRP) (WHIMPERS) (SUCKS SOFTLY) (HOWLS, WHIMPERS) (YELPS, WHIMPERS) (PANTS, WHIMPERS) (PANTS) (ENGINE HUMS) Here's the sack. (SPLASH! DOG WHIMPERS) (ENGINE RUMBLES) (WHIMPERS) (WHIMPERS) Whoo. (LAUGHS) (BLUBBERS, LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Ooh. Ooh. (WHIMPERS) (PANTS) (CURIOUS COUNTRY MUSIC) Well, I'll be jiggered. There you go, girl. (WHIMPERS) How do you like that? (SIGHS) You know, I think, I'll call you Jess. (WHINES) (ZAP!) (SCREECHES) (SQUEAKING) (WHINES) (YELPS) (SCREECHES) Ooh! Ow! (CYMBALS CLASH) Careful, Pew! You go easy on that little fella. (SLURPS LOUDLY) Now,... you two snuggle up in there. Brekkie's at 6. (WHIMPERS) (SIGHS) (WHISTLES SHARPLY) (BARKING) Dog! Dog? What's up, mate? Ooh! Um... Gidday, Cooch. Gidday, Wal. Are you looking for something? Uh, look, I'll level with ya, Cooch ` man-to-man, like. I've lost me little Dog! (WAILS, CRIES) (GASPS, SOBS) (SNIFFLES) A ripper of a pup it was, Cooch, mate. Muscles like steel cables. Fangs like a row of broken bottles. (SNIFFLES) (SOBS) Nothing like the funny-looking thing sitting on your boot? (GASPS) Uh, no. Well, um, could be. As a matter of fact, yes. The little sod's trying to tear my boots to pieces, I'd say. Eh? Down, Dog. Down, I say. Knew he'd turn up. Just sussing out the district, eh? Independent. Tough. Um, where'd you find him, mate? In the river. Poor little bloke was drowning. (BREATHES DEEPLY) Oh my God. (SPUTTERS) (SNEEZES) Bleeech! He's coming to. You can thank Major for pulling you out. I'd never have missed you. He's lying! (CHOPPER RATTLES LOUDLY) Those bloody Murphys! Oi, they're heading for my place! (WHISTLES SHARPLY) Major, we'll need you over here, mate! Don't worry about me, Major. Jess can look after me. (HAPPY MUSIC) (BELLS RING, PEAL) (BIRD SCREECHES) SOFTLY: Quiet. Keep quiet, dogs. I think I can hear something. (LOUD RATTLING) Crikey dick! Geronimo! (WAILS) (CHOPPER RATTLES LOUDLY) (WAILS) Damn you! Push off! Leave my deer alone! Come on, girls! Beauty. You beauty` (SCREAMS) (BOOM!) I've been shat on by a bloody vulture! Agh! Get us outta here! (SHRIEKS) Giz a hand! Righto! Not both bloody hands! Oh! Very funny, Murphy! (LOUD WHIRRING, WHOOSHING) (WHIMPERS) Those bloody Murphys! Argh! (MENACING MUSIC) Good try, Hunk. You almost did it ` you almost broke my bloody neck! (BIRDS SQUAWK) (ROARS) (BOTH YELP, HOWL) (BOTH PANT) # Got you now. I got you now. # Let's make the best of this. Make the best of this. # Make a dog get itchy. # Make a dog get twitchy. # Wrestle, rumble and romp. # I'll show you something that you'll definitely dog. # Don't pussyfoot now, you tiger. # I feel so hot, so hot and sizzling. # Cuddle up, boy. I'll make you dizzy. BOTH: # Let's rock, let's rumble. Let's get canine. # Make a dog feel hungry with your sexy smile. # Let's rock, let's rumble. Let's get canine. # Don't know what it is that makes me love you, Dog! # Let's rock, let's rumble. Let's get canine. Stoop! (DOGS BARK) Push off, you rat bags! Jess is not that sort of girl. You wanna bet? (BIRD CALLS) Come on, Pongo. We haven't got all day. All right, all right. Don't stare. you're putting me off. Come on. Boot it harder, man. It stings my feet! No, no, no, no. You'd never let it bounce, mate. You gotta take it on the full. Come on, then. Show us, Mr Footrot. Teach me too, Uncle Wal. OK. Yeah, I'll give you a few pointers. OK, now watch this. This is gonna be a high up and under. Hey, Wal. Will it come down with snow on it? Um... Yeah, probably. Now, pay attention. When I boot this, you get under it. Why do boys always get to go first? One at a time, girl. I'm straightening out Rangi at the moment. You're next, OK? Once I've booted this, I'll chase after it. But don't let me put the wind up you, OK? OK. Righty-oh! (WHISTLE BLOWS) (THWACK!) (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Oh, OK. Two hands for beginners, eh? (THUD!) Come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on! (BOOM!) Maaark! Yeah, well. Don't get carried away with this airy-fairy stuff. Yup. OK, Wal. Right, the tackle. You've gotta go in low and hard. I'll run it, just slowly, and you tackle me. And don't worry, I won't hurt you. Come on. Come on. Ugh! (WHEEZES) Yeah, it's coming. It's coming. Gee, thanks, Wal! Hmm. You're good at footy, eh? Hey, you might even be in the next All Black team. Yeah. That selector fella might ask ya. Selector? Selector? What selector? Haven't you heard? An All Black selector's coming to town next month. Everybody knows about it. Yeah, man. And he's gonna watch the big match between Raupo and the Mill team. An All Black, eh? ANNOUNCER: And here at Athletic Park, it's the deciding match between us, the mighty All Blacks, and them, the English Lions. And here they come ` the magnificent All Blacks, led by that superb athlete Whizzer Wal Footrot and his dog. (HORN BLARES) And here's the whistle. The kickoff's taken by the glamorous but slightly windy winger. Oh dear. (LAUGHS) Oh, he is running. (BOOM!) He's scuppering away like a frightened fairy. He's diving. My God, he's gonna` Oh! That pasty-faced Pom pansy. But, no, brilliant! Wal Footrot has kicked the ball out of his hands. He's caught it himself. He's setting off back of the field. This is a true New Zealand genius. He swerves, he sidesteps, he fends. What a run! He's only the fullback to beat. (ROARS) Oh, unfair! The fullback is charging right at Wally. And` Oh yes! Whizzer Footrot has actually performed a perfect somersault and scored in the corner. Footrot rises and jogs modestly back past the pack of whingeing Poms to make the conversion. He's placed the ball for the kick. But I'm wondering, Cliff. Did you notice? Did Footrot land on his head? He seems to be intending to kick the ball away from the post. I know it's easy to criticise from up here, but... He's running in. He's kicked. It's sailing up and away from the post. But`! But wait! It's bending! My God! It's been caught against the wind, and it's veering back towards the post. It's over! What a beauty! What a perfect demonstration of our national ability to read the weather. Superb! But I fear now that Footrot will be a marked man. (CLATTERING) I don't wanna say this, Cliff, but that looked a bit over-vigorous from the Lions. Just a trifle physical from the dirty swine, don't you think? (CROWD BOO) However, there it is. What do you expect from a frog referee who probably thinks a ruck's a large stone? Still, back to the game. Looks like the Lions have scored a lucky try. I don't want to appear one-eyed, Cliff. But it pisses you off, doesn't it? Well, there is just time for the conversion. This will give them a draw. I'll now say that their players are almost as good as ours. It makes you wanna go out and shoot a bloody referee, doesn't it? But wait on! It's Wallace Footrot! He's back! Brave lad! That'll show them the sort of stuff we're made off. My word! But I fear it's too late. What can even the Whizzer do with just time for the kick to be taken? And in comes the boringly consistent Pom kicker to convert the try. He kicks. It's straight, of course. The pale little Pom poofter! But, wait. Unbelievable! What a save! Wallace Footrot has swung up on the crossbar and kicked the ball away! It's a charge down and miss. We're still the world champions! MOCKINGLY: Nya-nya nya-nya-nya! And the hero of the day ` Whizzer Wal Footrot! An All Blacks selector. Well, what do you reckon, Dog? Should I give it a go? (BARKS) I'll start training immediately. (GASPS) Starting tomorrow. Cripes, be like trying to lick a watermelon into shape. (ROOSTER CROWS) Man needs a good breakfast to train on. (CRACK!) Mmm. Into it. (GULPS, GAGS) (VOMITS) And away we go! (PANTS) (HEROIC MUSIC) Be very... Whoa! (GRUNTS) Ugh. Oh, two, three, four. Oh! (ENERGETIC SYNTHESISER MUSIC) (GRUNTS) (BLAM!) (GRUNTS) (BUZZING) (GROANS, STRAINS) Oh. B-b-b-b! (GROANS) (EXCLAIMS) (CROWD CHEER) (HEROIC MUSIC) Hell's bells. He's old enough to know that all you go to bed with the night before a big game is a` is a cup of warm cocoa. Is this Whizzer Wal Footrot, the panther of the footy paddock? All you should be wearing is a dedicated smell, mate! Ye, gods! (SNIFFS) Sex scent? (HUMS) Ooh, that smarts. (HUMS) Don't go into town, Wal. Raupo is Sodom and Gomorrah on Friday nights. (KISSES) Ah. Tonight's the night, Cheeky. The fool. He's gonna see that blonde temptress Cheeky Hobson. What a dork! How can you do this to me, Wal? Tonight of all nights. You get a guy to peak fitness, and he allows himself to be destroyed by the pleasures of the flesh. Wally, don't go! You coming, Dog? (GROWLS SOFTLY) (RELAXED, JAUNTY MUSIC) (BRAKES SQUEAL) Gidday, Wal. You ready for the big match, mate? No worries, mate. (DOOR SQUEAKS) 'Evening, ladies. (WOMAN GASP, GIGGLE) Ah, Gidday, Cheeky. I, um... Gives us five minutes,... Wally. OK, Cheeky. I've got just the place lined up for tonight. I'll book us a table, then after that, the night is young. How 'bout the pictures? Oh, Wallace. You mad, rash boy. Here's looking at you, kid. Take us back to the dear old kitchen, Wal. (PLAYS CHIMING MUSIC) A nice cuppa tea and a ginger nut to dunk? (PLAYS CHIMING MUSIC) (PLEASANT, DREAMY MUSIC) (PLAYS CHIMING MUSIC) (GLASSES CRACK) # A winning love is hard enough to find. # And when you've got it, never leave it behind. # Hold on # and give it all you have. # When it's given back, # you'll be a powerful man. # And, well, here she comes. # In walks my baby. # Smile! # Her smile's more than enough to tell me why. (BOING!) (ENGINE APPROACHES) (TYRES SCREECH) # With the headlights of love # to light my way,... MAN: Tryin' to bloody kill yourself, Footrot? # ...safe in my heart, # I'll never be led astray. # When you wanna leave the troubled world behind you, # pack up your woes and worries and never you mind. # And, well, here she comes. # In walks my baby. # Smile! # Her smile's more than enough to tell me why. # Shouldn't you ought to be in love? # Wouldn't you rather be # in love? # Shouldn't you ought to be in love? # Wouldn't you rather be # in love? (DREAMY MUSIC CONTINUES) # Shouldn't you ought to be in love? # Wouldn't you rather be in love? # Shouldn't you ought to be # in love? # Wouldn't you rather be # in love? (POPS RHYTHMICALLY) # You ought to be in love. # You ought to be in love. # You ought to be in love. # You ought to be in love. # You ought to be in love. # Shouldn't you ought to be in bed? Wally, come home! Dim lights. The best feed in town. Oh, Wal, you devil. Come home or I'll break your leg! Get out of it, Dog. Get out of it. Leave a man alone. Sorry about that, Cheeky. Alas, poor old Wallace. I knew him well. (ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, Wal, you shouldn't have. I haven't. Huh? Best kai on the coast. (GROANS) Forget the expense, Cheeky. You can have chips with everything tonight. (FLIES BUZZ) Ah, Gaston! The young lady and meself wish to partake of a decent feed before going to the flicks. What does the ch-ef recommend ce soir? 'Mr Pawai' to you, Footrot, and none of your cheek, mate. Now, oysters and steak and sausages are off. Baked beans, eggs, chips and savs. There you are. Take your choice. The lot, eh, Cheeky? What do you reckon? Yeah, we'll have the lot. And don't spare the bread and butter. Oh, and two teas. Burke's teas. Yes, I understand it was a very good year in Ceylon. Ugh. I can see him now ballsing up all our training in some seedy den of vice. What foul schemes lurk in that woman's tortured mind? (PLAYS OFF-KEY MUSIC) Excuse me, my dear. Nature calleth. I've gotta dash into the dunny for a quick splash. Is that the one? Ja. Have you got the poison? (SNIGGERS) Right here, mein friend. Of course! Poison! This looks like a rescue job for the Grey Ghost. Voila, voila. Here's your tucker. Bon appetite, you fellas. Great stuff. In you go, Cheeky. Ugh. Can't wait (!) Ack! Don't use sugar, Wally. Makes you fat. Have some of my saccharin tablets. Oh, come on, Cheeky. I'm a growing lad. I need the real thing to keep me energy up. (HUMS) (PILLS RATTLE) The old poison-in-the-cup-of-tea trick. You can thank your lucky stars, Wallace Footrot, that the Grey Ghost wasn't taken in by this brazen hussy. (STEAM HISSES) (SCREAMS) (GROWLS, SNIFFS) Very funny. (REGGAE MUSIC) Of course! The old pills-in-the-baked-beans ruse. (SIZZLING) (SCREAMS) Can this be it? Nope. Not that one either. (WHISTLE BLOWS) Huh? (TUTS) Oh. Where are you, little pills? (SIGHS) Come here, little pills. I'm coming to get you, little pills. Damn you, little pills! (PANTS) Oh. (CRACK!) (STRAINS, GAGS) You're not poison, are you, little pills? (CHUCKLES) You want any pud or what? Pudding then, Cheeky? (SHRIEKS) Wallace Footrot, I don't ever want to see you again. Never, ever! What about the footy tomorrow? Just the one dessert, then, is it, uh, Wal? (CHORTLES) (OWL HOOTS, CRICKETS CHIRP) Come on. You can sit here and dream up lots more brilliant ways of ruining me life. (THUNDER RUMBLES) I tried to save his career, and this is what I get ` 'Guard the walnuts.' (THWACK!) You think you can break my spirit, do you, Wal Footrot? Well, you're not dealing with rubbish here, mate! The blood of the Grey Ghost flows in these veins. I got one thing to say to you, Wal Footrot! (WILD SCREECHING) I'm sorry. (RATS SCREECH) (THUNDER RUMBLES) Who's there? Don't answer that! (SNARLING, SQUEAKING) Ye gods! (LAUGHS MENACINGLY) (BARKS CONTINUOUSLY) The old ancestors were wolves, you know. Killers. Moose slayers. Rat lovers? (SINISTER LAUGHTER) (SINISTER LAUGHTER CONTINUES) (SCREECHING, SQUEAKING) (RATS SCREECH) (SNARLING) (SQUEAKING) (FRIGHTENING SCREAM) (SHARP GRATING) (RATS SCREECH) Oh! Rats, meet Horse. (CABLE CREAKS) (DRAMATIC PIANO MUSIC) (THUDDING) (BRANCH CREAKS) (THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!) (RATS SQUEAK) (SNARLS) (WAILS) (BOOM!) (THUD! THUD!) (MEOWS) (THUNDER RUMBLES) (RATS SQUEAK) (THUNDER CRASHES, RUMBLES) (THUNDERCLAP) The Grey Ghost does not surrender. The Grey Ghost does not retreat. The Grey Ghost... ...does not want to catch his death of cold. Time for a hottie and a cup of cocoa. (THUNDER RUMBLES) (DISTANT BARKING) (WATER SPLASHES) (MOURNFUL CHANTING) (FUNKY GUITAR MUSIC) (LOWS) (THUNDER CRASHES) (UNSETTLING SYNTHESISER MUSIC) (MOURNFUL, HAUNTING CHANTING) (SNIGGERS) (FLIES BUZZ) (SLURPS) What are you gonna do for a face, Hunk ` when the monkey wants its bum back? Yeah, Spit. What am I gonna? Hey. Perfect. (LAUGHS EVILLY) Oh, rain, you beauty. Let's hear ya thunder! (CACKLES) Oh, tonight's the night, all right! ...push your face in! You got less push than a fly's fat. (CHEWS NOISILY) What'd you do that for? Hey, Spit, I can't eat this now. I got no flaming sugar. Cut it out! We've got work to do. Now? Yep. We're going after Cooch Windgrass' stag. But it's dark outside. Yes, it often is at night (!) It's a bit stormy. Ah, shut up. Of course, it's bloody stormy. That's the bloody point. Windgrass won't see or hear a bloody thing, will he? Not in this weather. (CACKLES) And when Windgrass wakes up tomorrow, we'll have his prime stag. Gee, Dad. I've never been to a stag party. No, son. That's because you're nearly all behind. (CACKLES) (ROTORS WHIRR) (TENSE, DRAMATIC MUSIC) (WHIMPERS) (WOOD CREAKS) (ROTOR WHIRRS) (WHIMPERS) (BOOM! CRACK!) (MOURNFUL, HAUNTING CHANTING) (ROTOR WHIRRS LOUDLY) (LOWS) (LOWS) (SQUAWKS) Better get some tucker in for the old deer. Oh. (SQUAWKS) (SOMBRE MUSIC) (GRUNTS) Hey-up. Come on, deer. Here's your tucker. Where are you, old fella? (UNSETTLING MUSIC) Where's my stag? You and the dog go and get those stragglers. Hey, Wal. You reckon the game's gonna be still on? With the selector in town? Too right! I'm gonna move the bull to high ground. (WHISTLES SHARPLY) This is what dogs do best! (SHEEP BLEAT) I see. A challenge. Very well, the Iron Paw accepts. (HOWLS, WAILS) You slime! You've dented the Iron Paw! Come on, Dog. Let's move these sheep. Ooh. (STRAINS) (TYRES SCREECH) (HUFFS) Yoo-hoo-hoo! That's it! (SIGHS) Keep` (STRAINS) Huh? Over at the Murphy's. Hey, that's Jess' box. YELLS: Wal! Hang on a minute, Rangi. I'm up to me ears in it, mate. Murphys must have Jess! (STRAINS) (GRUNTS) Bloody (MUMBLES) Stay there. (WATER SLOSHES) (STRAINS) Right, that's it! (HEROIC MUSIC) Ugh! (STEAM HISSES) (GRUNTS REPEATEDLY) (SNIFFLES) Oh dear. (SQUAWKS) (YELLS) (BOOM!) (SQUAWKS) (BOOM!) Ugh! (YELLS ANGRILY) (GRUNTS) (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) (GRUNTS) (SQUAWKS) (GULPS) (BOOM!) The big game. Hell's bells, I gotta get home and get my gear ready. Wait for us, Wal! Wal, wait for us! Can't dawdle, mate. Wal, it's Jess. Something's happened to Jess. Listen, kid, I have a date with destiny. She might have got hurt. A powerful surge up the middle, a mighty fend, a gazelle-like sidestep. She might have died. An All Black jersey with my number on it awaits me. (SPLASH!) (SPITS) ...to you, mate! Come on, Dog. You and me better and go find Jess ourselves, eh? (SNAPPING, SCUTTLING) (WHIMPERS) (RUMBLING) (SNARLS, HISSES) (FRIGHTENING MUSIC) (WHIMPERS) (WATER ROARS) Crikey! Don't like the look of this. We're gonna have to cross here, Dog. There's no other way. (TENSE MUSIC) (CRACKING, CREAKING) Aue! Oh, far! Shift your arse, Dog. She's gonna go! (TWHIP!) Stay where you are, Dog. Sit! I'm gonna get help from Wal! Don't be a sissy. Jump! Ooh, and watch out for the Murphys! (SINISTER MUSIC) (WHIMPERS) Hell's bells! Why does being a hero have to be so scary? I never thought I'd be sorry to see the old bitch's box smashed. Good news and bad news, Jess! Good news ` help is coming; bad news ` it's me. You gotta get tarted up if you hope to represent your country. The dog, Wal! Don't want the sods from overseas to think we're a bunch of cockies from the sticks, eh? The Murphys! Careful! Mind me crease. Look, Rang, I can't go now. Kickoff's at 3. This is me big chance. Cooch is at home. He'll see to the dogs. Now, rattle your dags if you're coming. Jeez, what's keeping Pongo? Hurry up, Uncle Wal, you'll be late! (LAZY BANJO MUSIC) Slow down, Hunk! Wait for Spit. (BAM!) Oi, watch where you're going, you lunatic! My boy's got a big match on today. Get back on your bike, you pansy. Hollywood, Hollywood! You're lucky we're in a hurry, Windgrass... or I'd get out and thump ya. Hear, you wouldn't have seen my stag by any chance, would you, Murphy? Oh piss off! Is that a yes or a no? That's a formal recommendation. Ruck, ruck, ruck. Ruck, ruck, ruck. Oh, gidday, Wal! (SPLASH!) Push, push. What's up? Nothing. Oh, yeah? You look like your girlfriend just dumped you. Shut your mouth, Pongo. I gotta think. Gotta get Wal to the Murphy's. (CREAKING) (CURIOUS MUSIC) (DOGS BARK) Good God! (BARKS ANGRILY) Phew! For a moment there I thought I might have to hurt them! (DOGS GROWL) (BARKS ANGRILY) (DOGS PANT, GROWL) (PANICKED, REPETITIVE MUSIC) (BLADE CREAKS) (WHOOSH!) (GLASS SHATTERS) (BRAKES SQUEAL) Gidday! Would you be the, uh, selector, then? Ah, you'll see some champion rugby today, sir. Well, from` from our side anyway! (CACKLES) It's real talent you're after, sir. You can't go past Spit Murphy. No doubt you've heard all about it. CHILD: Yeah for Raupo! (BIRDS SQUAWK) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) (WHISTLE TRILLS) Leave it to Lenny. Leave it to Lenny, Raupo. Give it to Lenny, Raupo. Leave it to`! Strewth, Lenny! Good on ya, Spit! Go for it! Ah. Oh, did you see that? Did ya see that score?! (WHISTLE TRILLS) Good on ya, Spit! (GRUNTS) Did ya see that? An All Black if ever I saw one. Go on, write it down in your book ` Spit Murphy. S-P-I-T. (WHISTLE TRILLS) Go, Wallace! (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) (WHISTLE TRILLS) Kick the ref in the goolies! Kick everybody in the goolies! (CRASH!) (BLOWS WHISTLE WEAKLY) WOMAN: Oh, it's so physical! Hello, sweetheart. How are ya? Mm. Mm. (CHUCKLES) (SMACK!) Oh God, I've punched myself. (WHISTLE TRILLS) Next time you punch yourself, son, I'll have no option but to send you off. Come on, Raupo! Get stuck in! You play like a bunch of silly girls! You play like a bunch of silly boys! (WHISTLE TRILLS) Catch her, Adrian! Catch her, boy! Catch her, Adrian! Oh Adrian, it's going out. Adrian! Chase it, chase it! Adrian! Adrian! Adrian, chuck her in! Adrian! Hey! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Whoa! (LAUGHTER) Is he all right? Oh, yeah! Everything seems to be there. Rough play, can't have that. I'll take it. Somebody kill the ref! CHEEKY: Come on, Wallace. Somebody kill anybody! You'll never make it, Footrot! It's gonna... It's gonna... Ah! Ah! Oh! (WHISTLE TRILLS) Yes! (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (SCARY MUSIC) (MENACING MUSIC) (RATS HISS, SQUEAK) (RATS SNARL) (SINISTER MUSIC) (YELPS) (SNARLS) (HOWLS) It sounds like Jess! (HOWLS) Jeez, what are ya? You're playing with the wind and only three points up against that pack of pansies! You should be murdering the sods! I wanna see some effort this half. I wanna see some sweat! I wanna see some blood! I wanna see some guts! Is that clear?! And do Footrot. He's getting on my nerves. (ALL PANT) PANTS: 'The problem with you lot... is you're not... 'you're not... you're not fit! How do you expect to play this game? Get you fit! Gotta keep yourself in condition. Oh, give us a drink, will ya?' (WHISTLE TRILLS) OK! (PANTS) OK, Raupo! Let's go! (DIRE MUSIC) (PANTING, GROWLING) (DOGS BARK MENACINGLY, HINGES CREAK) Come on, Raupo! Time's running out! I gotta get Wal to the Murphys. Think, boy, think! (WHISTLE TRILLS) Go for it! Come on, Bill. Come on, Bill! (CRASH!) (BOOING) (BLOWS WHISTLE) (ROCK MUSIC) (MUD SQUELCHES) Wake up, Lenny. We don't have any reserves, Lenny! Cripes, what are we gonna do now? Give Rangi a go. He's great, man! Oh, shut up! I gotta get him to go after Jess. He's just the bloke you need, Uncle Wal. Honest. (LAUGHS) Why don't you play the whole Raupo Primary School, Footrot? (CACKLES) Will you have a go, Rangi? Nah! Hang on! Yeah, choice, Wal! There's a spare jersey on the back of the truck. Oh, hello, Cheeky! Hello, Wallace! Ok, don't try anything fancy, just stay out of trouble. I'll cover for you. So if the ball comes your way, just pass it to me. Good luck, kid. Yeah, she's right, bro. Just get the ball. He'll have to follow me. MAN: He places the ball. He steps back from the ball. Balanced perfectly. He moves in. (OLD MAN MURPHY CACKLES) How embarrassing! (CACKLES) Player for the win. Player for the win. I'll get it, Rangi! MAN: All right, play the back. Play the back. PONGO: Get stuck in, Rangi! Righty-oh, pass. Oh! Dear! Righty-oh, Rangi! Pass it to me, mate! Sure. (SHOUTING, YELPING) Raupo! Raupo! Raupo! Raupo! Yeah! (WHISTLE TRILLS) Huh?! (APPLAUSE, CHEERING) Here, quick, give us the ball. Still time for me to take a conversion and impress the selector. Nah! Gotta have to catch me first! Oi! Rang! Rangi, play the ball! Quit stalling, Footrot! (FRUSTRATED CHATTER) If you want the ball back, you're gonna have to chase me to the Murphys'! Oh, come on, Rangi! What about me kick? Me last chance to impress the selector. (WHISTLE TRILLS) Last one is a dirty rat! Disgraceful match! Absolutely disgraceful! What happened, you boonger? Where did that kid go? Funny. Said he was heading for our place. Come on! That little sod must know something about the stag! Uncle Wal, quick! The Murphys have got Cooch's stag! Right! Come on, we'll head them off in the truck! (UPBEAT MUSIC) Agh! Start, you mongrel. Start! (PANTS) # Whakatangata, kia kaha. # Whakatangata, kia kaha. Ugh! Come on, Hunk! Put your foot down. We gotta beat that kid to the farm. No worries. We'll beat him easily. I can see him behind us. Behind us? He's on the back, ya moanin' lump o' lard. Bugger off, you little larrikin. (ACTION MUSIC) (ENGINE REVS) (RATS SCREECH, SNARL) (SYNTHESISER MUSIC) # Vernon # the Vermin. # Thanks for being here, my little doggie. # Welcome to dinner with me and my cronies. # I got every disease known to rodent. # Fangs like these make me the most potent. # I'm gonna give ya a blood transfusion. # Catch my name so there's no confusion. # Vernon. # I'm Vernon the Vermin, # your venomy enemy. # Vernon. # Cancer to gangrene and the big black plague. So say goodbye... # to Vernon the Vermin. # Get my name. (BOOM! ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Boy, are they gonna get it for that. (WHIRRING, BLARING) (DOGS BARK) (YELPS) (FUNKY MUSIC) (BLADES WHIRR SHARPLY) (FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES) Just a little trick I learned from Batman. # I'm Vernon the Vermin. # Did you get my name? (GROWLS, YOWLS) (YOWLS) (THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!) # ...violent, viral # The rat royale. # And I got you! (HISSING, SNARLING) (GROWLS) # And I got you too. (SNARLS) # And I got you too. # (MUSIC QUICKENS) (MEOWS) (RATS HISS, SNARL) (SNARLS) (THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!) (WAILS) (SNARLS) (WHIMPERS) (HISSES) (MEOWS) (ALL SNARL, HISS) (FUNKY MUSIC) (ENGINE RUMBLES) (FUNKY MUSIC CONTINUES) What the bloody hell's going on here? You check the stag shed, I'll take care of the sawmill. (BLADES WHIRR) (THUD!) (ACTION MUSIC) (WHIMPERS) (SNARLING) (SCREECHES) (CRASH!) (CRASH!) (SCREECHES) (BOOM! SQUISH!) (CREAKING) (SQUELCHING) By heavens, if I can't have the stag, I'll have venison. Where's me gun? This will do! Take that, you monster! (TIMBER PLANKS RATTLES) (YELLS) Look, Irish, there's a perfectly simple explanation for all this. (CLICK!) YELLS: Te Rauparaha! (THUD!) Ow! (GUNSHOT RINGS) Here, you little hooligan. I gotcha! (LOUD BANGING) Let me outta here, you crazy, fat plonker. (TYRES SCREECH) (RANGI SHOUTS ANGRILY) That must be Rangi! You see to him, I go after Murphy. He's heading for the river! (RANGI CONTINUES SHOUTING) You let me outta here or I'm gonna eat you for dinner! Let me outta here, you plonker! I'm coming, Daddy! Up, up and away, baby! (CACKLES) Geronimo! (CRASH!) (BOOM!) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC) BOTH: Yee-haw! Go for it, Rangi! Whoo! (BOTH CHEER) Gonna get you, Murph! Got you, Murphy! Whoo-hoo! (YELPS) Here, doggie, doggie. Dog, dog. Here, you blasted doggie-dog-dog. (SNARLS) (CLICK!) (GROWLS) (BOOM!) Damn it. Blast! I lost them. You'll do, you. (BOOM!) (GUNSHOT ECHOES) Cripes, it's Horse! They must have hit him with a ballistic missile! (WHIMPERS) (GROWLS) One, two, hup! Ugh! (YELLS) (CONTINUES YELLING) (SCREAMS) Huh? (GROWLS, ROARS) (SPLUTTERS) Oh, thank God, you're here, Footrot! Did you see it? Did you see it? Jeez, it was ugly. If there's a bird behind me, Murphy, it'll probably bite me on the freckle. Ow! SCREAMS: Ow! Oh! (WILD PIGS SNARL) Cripes, croco-pigs. I have a plan. Surrender? (PIGS GROWL) (YELPS) Ah, shucks. 'Twere nothing. By heavens, you shall not prevail. Put up your duke, sir. (THWACK! THWACK! THWACK!) (BOING!) (ROARS) A gentleman, sir,... (THUD! THUD! THUD!) ...does not eat his opponent. (THWACK!) (GROWLS) (ROARS) (YELPS) (SNORTS) (WHINES) (ROARS) (WHIMPERS) (SCREAMS) Help! Look,... can't we... get around... the table... and talk... this out... like civilised... human... beings?! (ROARS) Like dogs? Uh, like... pigs? (ROARS) (SYNTHESISER ACTION MUSIC) (BOOM!) (BOOM!) (DRUM PEALS) (BAM!) (ACTION MUSIC CONTINUES) (ZOOM!) (TENSE MUSIC) (CLACK!) Ugh! (EXCITING BASS MUSIC) Oh. Oh! Huh? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ah! Goodness gracious, me! Dear, oh, dear! Dear, oh, dear! Ugh! (SQUEALS) (STRAINS) (GRUNTS) Oh, there we are. (ROARS) (HUMS) (WHIMPERS) (GENTLE MUSIC) Oh, it's nothing. Just a mere gash to the bone. (UNSETTLING MUSIC) (TYRES SCREECH) Keep your eyes peeled! They must be there somewhere! What say they've already gone past? Into the sea! 'Course they haven't, dummy! Have they, Wal? No show! Just keep looking! There they are! Yeah, yeah, it's them! Yeah, you're right! There they are, Rangi! Get up here and give us your feet, quick! Now! Oh! Don't drop him, Uncle Wal! Right, right, right. Left! You haven't got him down far enough, Uncle Wal! Lower! Still can't reach! Grab one this side. We'll do for the rest on the other. Get ready, Dog! Jump, Dog! Jump up into his hands! I've got her! I've got her, you guys. Oh, Jess! I've got Jess! Quick, on the other side! Jump! Grab me, Dog. Grab the` Ohhh! Missed them! WHIMPERS: You missed them. CRIES: He's gonna drown. (SOMBRE MUSIC) (SNIFFLES) You did your best, Rangi. Really. You did. Come on. We might as well try down the beach. (BELL TOLLS) (GULLS SQUAWK) (SOLEMN GUITAR MUSIC) Come on, kids, we better shove off. The place won't be the same without old Horse and the dog. Damn sand, always gets in your eyes. Yeah, and up your nose. (WHIMPERS) Come on, girl. Jessie. (WHINES) Jessie, in the truck. Come on. Come on. Come on. (WHIMPERS) Fine, then. I'll let her stay for a while and I'll come back and get her later. (YELPS) (ENGINE STARTS, HUMS, SQUEAKS) (SOLEMN MUSIC) (BARKING) Hey, Wal! Wal! Stop, Wal! Stop! Stop it! Stop the truck! BOTH: Jessie's seen something! What? (BARKING) Come on, Uncle Wal! (BARKS) Is it them? Oh no! Give us me binocular. What do you reckon, Cooch? A raft? Could be. PONGO: It's quite far out. I think it is! Is it? Uh... Yeah! Is it them? Of course, it's them! Yeah. Yeah! It's them, all right. Look. Yeah! Look at Dog hanging in. Wow! Whoo-wee! They're all right! Whoo-hoo! So far. Good on you, Dog! Ah! # Top dog anyway! # Nobody can touch me. # This is my beat. # This is my street. # Move over, Rover, and don't make waves. # Top dog anyway. # Nobody can touch me. # Well, this is my street. # This is my beat. # Move over, Rover, and don't make waves! # (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) (WAVES ROAR) (BUBBLING) (NO AUDIO) (NO AUDIO) (WAVES ROAR) (CLACK! CLACK!) (SOFT THUDDING) Uh, yeah. Gidday. (DAVE DOBBYN'S 'SLICE OF HEAVEN') GRUFFLY: Meow! No, no, no, Major. Not 'meow'; 'woof-woof'. # Hey, I got a lot of faith in you. # I'll stick with you, kid. # That's the bottom line. # Yeah, you have a lot of fun, don't you? # And living with you is a ball of a time. # Hey, beauty, when the mood gets you down, # your bottom lip's near dragging on the ground. # That's when I gotta play the clown for you. # Black humour made you kick your blues. # Howdy, Angel! # Where did you hide your wings? # Her love shines over my horizon. # She's a slice of heaven. # Slice of heaven. # Warm moonlight over my horizon. # She's a slice of heaven. # Slice of heaven. Captions by Glenna Casalme. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017 # Hey, I got a lot of faith in you. # I'll stick with you, kid. # That's the bottom line. # Yeah, we have a lot of fun, don't we? # And heaven has to be with you all the time. # Hey, beauty, when the mood gets you down, # your bottom lip's near dragging on the ground. # That's when I gotta play the clown for you. # Black humour made me kick our blues. # Howdy, Angel! # Where did you hide your wings? # Her love shines over my horizon. # She's a slice of heaven. # Slice of heaven.