. . . Marnie? I know we agreed to take some time off. And, uh, I think that was a great idea. My God. It gave us both a chance to, uh experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist! (Laughs, snorts) With beakers and-- But obviously I'm cool with that. Like--Because the thing is, I think we are stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie-- it's been two years. And that's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you. What do you think? Oh, man. It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this. I think this is really pretty. How's it work? Oh. What the hell is that? I got it for Valentine's Day right before she broke up with me. Look, Stainer, I know you don't like her very much. No, no, I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calendar as a day of rejoicement. I'm gonna celebrate it with a cake with her face on it. But instead of eating it, we smash it. OK? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirk. I thank you, but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better. When have you been out there? I mean, when have you left the apartment? I went out on four different dates. With three girls and--and that guy. I don't--I don't know what his intentions were, but, like, it--it's fine. We had a great conversation. He was just looking for a friend. Do you know what your problem is, Kirk? - What? - You're a moodle. - A "moodle"? - A man poodle. Girls, they want to take you out on a walk. They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you. But make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle. No one would ever fuck a moodle. - No. - He's right. I'm telling you, if you want to get Marnie back she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you your life has been a nonstop snatch parade. Or you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough? Why don't you put your fucking balls in here, dude? (Airplane roaring) Whoo! "Snatch parade". Really, Kirk? - Yeah, it's been pretty awesome. - Oh. I've been, uh, raw-doggin' some randoms. - Oh. - Usually careful. Mostly careful, though. Always using protection. Uh, double-baggin' it sometimes just to make sure there's no seepage, uh because, uh gonorrhoea, herpes and stuff. I--I don't want that. Wow. I am really happy that you are doing so well with the ladies. But truthfully, Marnie, I--I really just want to give all that up and get back together with you. Oh. Kirk? You know I'm with Ron now. Raw-doggin' some randoms? Wow, Kirky, sounds like you got some good stuff going on. Yeah. Thanks, Ron. Um--We're just kind of in the middle of something right now. (Crunch) - (Mouths) - Oh, you--you want to talk? No problem. I'll just be in the other room. Thanks, buddy. Uh, sorry. One more thing. Is there any salsa? You know what, I'll find it myself. Good luck there, pirate. Are you kidding me, Marnie? That guy? That guy is an "entrepreneur". Well, Ron owns a Pizza Hut. That's a business. It's not even a real Pizza Hut! It--It's a Pizza Hut Express! Working airport security with your dipshit friends isn't getting you any closer to being a pilot. I--I got--I got you something. Like, remember that time I made you the mix tape of all the Kate Bush songs I thought applied to our relationship? This is cooler. Happy Valentine's Day from two years ago. Hi, honey. Everything OK? Yeah. Oh, God, what is that? I--I think it's an ashtray? No, it's for your earrings. Or that. Kirk, please, don't cause a scene. Everyone's over. Jesus, Mom, a little privacy here, please? - It's OK, Mrs. Kettner. - OK. Kirk. You know that I don't get along with my own parents, and you've been really great about your family practically adopting me since we broke up. - I love you. - Marnie, I love you too. It--OK, let me finish. I love you like I love TV. I love you like I love pizza. Superfly Snuka! - No, Dylan! - You still got it, baby! - Give it to him! - Dylan! - God damn it! - Leave your brother alone! DEBBIE: Snap him like a wishbone! Taste this, bitch! Yeah, you ain't got shit, you pussy! - KIRK: I hate you! - Mom! Kirk said he hated me! OK, people, let's move it out! Movie night! I do not want to miss the previews. Here you go, Romeo. I got the brews. Let's go! - Coming with us, pirate? - No, thanks. - It's Chris Tucker, dude. - Yeah, I--I think I'll pass. "Do you see the words comin' outta my mouth?!" Chris Tucker, right? Mom! I did the Chris Tucker for him. - MOM: Oh, that's nice. - I'm just gonna leave this here. DYLAN: He's the black guy from "Rush Hour." DAD: Come on, let's go, go, go, go! DYLAN: Mom, Dad-- - You know, it's engraved on-- - (Door slams) Boarding passes and ID's where I can see them, please! Let's go! - Hey. - Hey. Oh, well, well, well. Thanks for coming in, Kettner. Sorry I'm late, Fuller. Well, you'd better have a damn good excuse. No. You want to take a second? Make something up? Nope. - Interesting. - (Woman laughing) Oh, look at this. Yes, yes. (Voice echoes) (Echoing) Yeah, that's so good. That's great. Perfect. (Heart beating) So if fake flowers and cheap champagne is how you want to woo your clients, then feel free to blow us out. I'm sure the event will be fine. Thank you, Mr. Friedman. Tomorrow. Have a nice flight. Boarding passes and ID's where I can see-- I--Ahem. Hi! - Hi. - Hay-lo. Uh, hi-lo. Hello! New York, huh? Yeah. The Big - City. - Big Apple. Big Apple City. I get up there a lot, because I actually I gig up there. I play in a band. - I'm the lead in a band. - Hey, Stainer. Did you get the, uh numbers with-- for the new procedures regarding planes? This is Randy. (Clears throat) What's up? Well, everything checks out. Thank you. Do you need a hand? Uh-uh. Smooth. - Now put this back in the trash. - It's a memo. Put it back in the trash! Boarding passes and ID's, please! Next! Oh, ma'am! - Your shoes. - Oh, sorry. OK, let's, uh go ahead and strip off that belt too, while we're at it, huh? You have any, uh piercings you want me to know about? Hmm? Anything at all? Uh-huh, all right, I'm really late for my flight. Ma'am, why don't you just step on through and we'll see if you set off the machine. Thank you. Uh, no, no, no--not so fast. Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to step over - to the wanding area, please. - Fuller, why? - Well, you never know-- - (Wand whistles) Oh! You just waved the wand over your tie clip! - No, I did not. - Uh, yes, you did. Well, I am keeping an eye on you. Pow. Heh-heh. Wow. They let guys like that work here? - Yep! - (Wand whistles) Yes, they--they let that guy be my boss. Thank you for pissing off your boss for me. Oh, yeah, uh, please, uh, anytime. Whoa. Uh, Molly! - Your boarding pass. - Oh, thanks Kirk. Kirk. TOWER: Flight 63 to JFK, you're cleared for taxiing on runway 29. PILOT: Cabin crew, lock doors and cross-check. Dude! Cut it a little closer, why don't you? Hey, I think I lost my iPhone. I left it in security. Well, here, calm down. I'll call it. (Ringing) - Hello? - Who's this? I don't know. Might be the guy with the new iPhone. - KIRK: Who's this? - Um, I don't know. Might be your worst fucking nightmare, you thieving-- - Patty! Stop it. - Sorry. Hello? Thank God you have my phone. My name is Molly McCleish. I remember you very well. What gate are you at? I'll run it right over. You know what, we're actually pushing back right now. E--Excuse me. You're not supposed to be on your phone. It's bad for the plane. Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a plane doctor? No? So shut the fuck up. KIRK: I tell you what, uh I'll just leave it in Lost & Found for you. How about that? Would you just hold on to it for me? I'm coming back tomorrow. I'm an event planner. I'm having this party at the Warhol Museum. - We could meet there. - Yes, of--No, of course. I know exactly where that is. It's--It's actually right on my way home from work. - Sir? - She's talking on her phone. Dude! Go shit in your hand. I have to go. - Tonight's the night, Kirky. - KIRK: No, Devon tonight is just a night where I return some lost property to a fellow human being. Come on, man, you got to be positive. It's exciting! I mean, the night's full of possibilities. (Sniffs) I can almost smell them. Oh, man. DEVON: You know what this reminds me of? What's that? The moment when Aladdin went to meet Princess Jasmine. What? You're like the street urchin and this is the palace! OK, uh, so then what does that make you? I'm the genie. Oh, why am I so nervous? This is so stupid. Let's just get this over with, OK? Let's just go. Yeah. Let's go on a magic carpet ride. (Lively chatter) - Wendy! - Hi! Congratulations, ladies. This party is so amazing. It is, right? Hey. Sorry I'm late. Nice, Katie. Real classy. I had a major laundry disaster, OK? This is the only dry bra that I have left. - Do you want me to take it off? - ALL: No! MOLLY: Just take a tray and circulate. Yeah, circulate. You know what that means, Katie? (Thud) Hey, uh, excuse me. I'm looking for, uh, Molly McCleish. Are you here to arrest her? No. What about you? You going to search me? No. (Chuckles) No, I'm not--I'm not TSA. I--I can get you a mad discount on a flight if you want, though. - (Wendy chuckles) - Molly's my sister. She's up there. Thank you. Hey. - Hey. - Hey. - This is Patty. - Hey. Uh, this is my friend, Devon. Princess Jasmine. - Uh, here's your phone. - Oh, thank God. You--Thank you. You-- (Laughs) You saved my life. Oh, please. Uh, it's no big deal at all. OK, we're gonna get going now. Uh, we're a bit overdressed for this. - Yeah. - Oh, no! You guys look great. You should stay and have a drink, right? I-- Excuse me one second. Get a drink, but just don't get it from my sister's tray. What's up, freckles? (Laughs) (Whispers) What did she just say? "I think your friend is hot." Yeah, right. (Laughs) Seriously, Kirky, do not josh me. All right? I need this. Uh, Devon, I would never josh you. She said, "I think your friend is hot." - Yeah? - Yeah. - Yee-ah? Yee-ah? - Oh, stop. - No. No. No. - (Laughs) You're--Devon, you're happily married. You and I both know you would never cheat on Karen. Yeah, you're right, I don't need to. You know why? Because that girl thinks I'm hot. (Snickers) You know what, don't tell Karen about any of this. - Stuffed mushroom? - Yeah, sure. I dropped them on the floor earlier, but, you know, five-second rule. - Good. Thank you very much. - It's OK, I'll wait. Suit yourself. - Oh, oh, shit. - What the hell are you doing? I am so sorry, sir. I--I, uh--uh--uh-- - What? - I--I don't know. - Katie! - No, not--not Katie. This is all my fault. This is-- I'm very, very sorry. Can I see your invitations? Ooh, uh-- Can I see your invitation? (Katie snorts) Probably not the best thing to say to the museum director. True, but we should do cultural events like this more often. Kirk! Oh, my God. Well-- Patty told me what happened. What can I say? I'm so sorry. My reputation in the arts community may be a bit shot, but I think I'll get over it. Well, you know what? I'd like to make it up to you. Are you free tomorrow night? Yeah, yes. Yes. Because we handle some of the Penguins events and we've got some extra seats for the Islanders game. DEVON: Mmm! - Do you like hockey? - Do I like hockey? Yes, I do. Great. There's two tickets. So maybe bring a friend. Wow, thank you so much. That's amazing. And the tickets will be at will call. OK. - Bye. - Bye. Bye. Good night. Fare thee well, dear princess until our magic carpets alight from Agrabah to the Cave of Wonders for a night of romance and hockey. (Chuckles) I'm taking Stainer. - KIRK: Uh, no, no, no, that's-- - STAINER: Yeah. KIRK: No, she's not into me. There are very few things in life that I am absolutely certain of. Um, this chick does not like me. Oh, don't be such a Laydown Larry. I'm not being a-- a "Laydown Larry". It's just like me saying that, uh I'll never go to the moon, and I'm all right with that too. You don't want to go to the moon? Bullshit. No, I'm saying that I never will go to the moon. Um, and that's fine because I never expected to. You don't know that. Technology and stuff. You just might go to the moon. - He's right. - No, this girl is like fucking hot! Yeah, but you said that same shit about Marnie, and let's face it, Marnie was kind of a skank. Hi. Hey! Marnie. We (Clears throat) were just talking about uh, Marnie, the name, and how it's unfortunate - that it's not more common. - Fuck you, Stainer. Oh, you didn't let me finish. More common for skanks. Hey, Kirk, so, um are you gonna go to Branson with your folks next month? - I don't think so. - Oh, 'cause they invited me and Ron to come along, and we'd really love to go, but, you know, not if it's gonna be weird for you. Heh-heh. The tickets are non-refundable and I love Branson, but it's totally up to you. Yeah, no, you should go. It's fun. Thanks. Uh-- - Oh, OK. Uh-- - OK. - MARNIE: OK. - Uh, uh-- (Thud) OK, so she's taking her new boyfriend to Branson with your parents. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. COMMENTATOR: The Penguins are facing off against the Islanders tonight. What do you think-- - Here, I got the first one. - Thank you very much. I got a twenty. Four beers, please. Three? - Two? - Mm-hm. - Well, he seemed nice. - That was all of my money. - Oh, my God. She's here. - What? Oh, it's that chick, from the airport? Yeah. I didn't think she was gonna show up. Hi there! - Hey. So you got the tickets OK? - Oh, yeah. Thank you so much. Cool. Oh, you remember Patty. - Hi. - Hi there. Of course. Uh, I didn't think that you were coming. I ju-- This is amazing. Hey. Stainer. - I'm sorry? - Stainer. What? - Stainer. - His name is Stainer. - Right. - Just a nondescript nickname. Doesn't mean anything, you know. It's like Greg. You look just like someone I went to high school with. What high school? Maybe it was me. - (Kirk snorts) - No, he's in a coma. Oh. Who brought the good news bear? Somebody give her some fucking honey. OK, um, should we just meet you up at the seats? - Yeah, perfect. - OK. Kirk, that Molly girl's insanely hot. Yeah, I know. So, you know what's happening. - What's that? - She's setting you up with the bitchy friend. Which will be perfect for you because you like bitches. Yeah, well, that's fine, that's, uh-- Patty's not a bitch. She's, uh, different. Yeah, different in that she's a bitch and other people aren't. (All yelling) Come on, Avril, play the man, not the puck! STAINER: Yeah, come on, dick! OK, I'm sorry, the player that I was screaming at is a forward, but for some reason he keeps hanging back at the blue line with all the defence men. But you realize that they're hanging back right now because they're trying to kill a power play. (Organ playing) Uh, that is exactly what's happening. Damn it, Fox, keep your stick down! - That felt good. (Laughs) - Yeah. Dude, she knows a strange amount about hockey. - Yeah, man. - Yeah. Whoa. Hey, Mol. What, uh-- Scott Reese knows you? A little. Little bit. Come on, Reese, pick it up! You suck today! Oh, what a save! Save it! (Crowd cheering) (Buzzer) - I'm gonna get some drinks. - Oh, OK. I'm gonna get some beers, guys. Oh, uh, OK. I see what's going on. Yeah, I'll "get some beers" with you. You two stay here. You know, talk. I know, I know. Ow. Hi. Ye olde intermission. Listen, Kirk, while we have a minute here, Molly's always trying to set me up and that's kinda why she brought me along tonight, but honestly I'm not interested, no offence. No offence taken. I assume that I am probably not your type. I was talking about Stainer. What? What, you think we're on like a double date or something? Well, yeah. Yeah, but that would mean that Molly-- - No. - Yes. Kirk, Molly's into you. It's effortless. Listen, Kirk, I love you, but there's no way on the planet that Molly is "into you". I mean, why would she bring a friend and give you two tickets? Well, uh, Molly brought Patty for you, but Patty thought you were a moron. OK. Now I know you've gone crazy. You're telling me the hottest chick I've ever met in my life wants you, and the Hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself. Fuck you. (Giggling) That's a pretty impressive catch, Kirky. Yeah, right. The day that that happens is the day that Jack sleeps with your wife. (Clears throat) What, did that already happen? We weren't technically dating yet. My bad. Are we gonna talk or are we gonna bowl? All I'm saying is, this girl's too hot. I mean, no judgment on Kirky, but the guy's just outgunned here. - Yo, house ball! - "House ball"? Yeah, I was up first. OK. My bad. Aw, for fuck's sake! Hey! What is it with you people, huh? - He can just wait his turn. - Oh, really? All this noise and shit, and my best friend is such a distraction in your goddamn peripheral vision? All right, Stainer, take it easy. It's all good. Let him do his thing. Well, fucking roll, then. Bring it, Brunswick! - I'm right here, scumbucket. - Let's do this. (All yelling) You feel strong, tough guy? - Yeah, you piece of shit! - Get off! Get off! - Come on. - TSA, motherfucker! STAINER: He's lucky. I'm really sorry. OK, anyway, I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five. Oh, Stainer, that's just dirty pool. - He's at least a six. - A six? All right, you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole, but I'm just being honest. Come on, cut him some slack. Look, half a point because he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right. But he drives a shitbox, so you have to deduct a point. - Take a point off. - What's wrong with my Neon? Oh, I don't know. Except the people that make that car don't even like it. - So we're back to a five. - Five. Meanwhile, this Molly is a hard ten. And that five-point disparity, that is a "chasum". Chasm? Chasm. And you can't jump more than two points. - Where do you get this shit? - Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten. Oh, not even you, huh? - I'm a six, OK? - Bullshit, you're a six! - Then what am I? - You're an eight. OK, fine, you're a six, then. But I get a one-point bump, because I'm in a band. Stainer, you're in a Hall & Oates cover band! I--I'm pretty sure that's a deduction. Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back to seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine. What about your crappy car? Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car. Is there an artist's exemption for talking out your ass? Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack. Look it up in the dictionary. It's there. Next to "Fuck you!" Guys, I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten. My God. What, are-- are you Hannah Montana? Because nothing you're saying right now is of any help to Kirk. - (Phone playing hip-hop) - KIRK: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?! Hello. Hello? Whoa, hey, Molly. I'm well, thank you. How are you? First of all, thank you. It was great. It was incredible. Thank you so much. (Mouthing) Kirky, what'd she say? (Pins clatter) I--I think she just asked me out. Yeah! Way to go, Kirkers! (Laughs) Hey, did she say anything, you know, about Wendy thinking I'm hot? - No. - Shoot. I wonder if she's on Facebook. Devon, you're on Facebook? Yeah. I got like 37 friends. Oh, c--cool. (Grunts) Mol, what about this for your date tonight? Katie, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Wait. You have a date with Kirk? - All right, when do you want the bad-date bail-out call? - I don't want it. No, seriously, work emergency or aunt died? - I'm not going to need it. - Oh, whatever. What is your problem with Kirk anyway? OK, I don't have a problem with Kirk. I have a problem with you dating Kirk. - Why? - You dated Cam and you got hurt, so you pick a guy like Kirk because he's safe. Yeah. Or--Or maybe because he's just a nice guy. He's great. I just-- You and I both know he's not the kind of guy you usually end up with. Ah, God damn it. Way to go. What happened to you? You look like shit. Besides that. Yeah, I got like thirty minutes of sleep last night. What do I even say to Molly tonight? Do I just talk about her ridiculous fucking hotness for two hours? I don't know. You were pretty smooth at the hockey game, right? Thanks, man. Well, that's because I didn't think I stood a chance in hell. But now that she's asked me out, I--I don't get it. It boggles my mind. Why would she ask me out? - Are you dying? - What? You maybe have some rich benefactor, you know, in a top hat, who's trying to set you up before you die. Like "Great Expectations." Have you read that book? - Yeah, man. - It's so weird! No, Stainer, I'm not terminally ill. Thank you for your concern. - Yeah, then that is a brain-teaser, isn't it? - Yeah, tell me about it. Oh. You know what, let's go this way. Who is that? What? - Ah! - Nobody. Just some chick that I boned when I was drunk. You know? She's a total psycho. Let's go this way. It's quicker anyway. Come on. - What? What? KIRK: This place is tremendous. I'm--I'm just trying to think whether or not I've been here before. Is this real silver? This is gorgeous stuff. - (Laughs) - It has this lovely terrace area. It's open. It's kind of like eating on the "Today Show" set. - Are you nervous? - Yes. (Waiter speaking French) (Speaks French) Uh, so, you speak French? Oh, no, barely. I probably just asked for directions to the beach. That's amazing. Uh-- Any other hidden talents I should know about? I'm a lawyer. - You're a lawyer? - I know. I--Well, I-- - I'm not really-- - I'm sorry, one second. Uh, ma'am? Ma'am? Yeah, I'll be right back. Excuse me, ma'am! You forgot your sweater there. - Thank you. - Thanks again. Oh, no, I--I don't work there. - I-- - Oh. No, I'm just returning your sweater. - Thank you. - Sure. Have a good night. - Thank you. Sorry. Sorry, buddy. Thank you. - MAN 2: Evening. - MAN 3: Evening. MAN 4: Evening. - MAN 5: Evening. - MAN 6: Evening. MAN 7: What's up? Cam? - Mol! Hey! - Hey! Uh-- I'll see you guys there. Wait, I thought you were still in New York. Negative. I flew in this morning. Oh, hi. KIRK: Whoa. - Oh, this is Kirk. - Hey. Oh, hey, buddy. - Oh, thank you. - Yeah, uh-- Uh, can I help you? Yeah, you bet. I'll take an Armagnac. The lady will have a dirty martini with three olives. Thanks. Her favourite. Yeah, I think--I think there's been a mistake. - Sorry, friend? - He's with me. Honest mistake. Uh-- Sorry. There you go. Please. - That's awkward. - (Molly laughs) - Cam, this is Kirk. - It's great to meet you, sir. Great to meet you, sir. Um, Cam. Is that short for Cameron? No. Why would it be? That's funny. Your friend is funny, Molly. - Thank--Thank you so much. - (Molly laughs) Am I gonna see you next week? Um, Patty and I are working at the air show, and Cam's our liaison guy. Ooh, "liaison guy". Ouch! (Laughs) We were more than that, huh? You see, Molly and I used to date. Ohhhh! Well, I'm out. - It was great to meet you, sir. - (Chokes) - See you, honey. - All right. Bye. Bye, Cam! He seems great. He seems really great. - Should we order? - Yeah. OK. So I was interning at the law firm, studying for the bar, but I just kept thinking, is this what I really want to do with my life? And then, um I volunteered to plan the holiday party, and I loved it. And so I quit the firm, went into business with Patty. Well, you found something that you love. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, it is amazing. Anyway, I'm bored with me. What about you? Oh, me. Uh Pittsburgh born and bred. Uh, I wanted to go to college but my dad bought a swimming pool instead. Um, so my boy Stainer hooked me up with my job at TSA and, uh, the rest is rock-'n'-roll history. (Chuckles) So TSA today. Is there a tomorrow or? Oh. I don't know. Um, some days I'll be at work and I'll look out the window and I'll see all those planes taking off, going places and I--I think I could really do that. You know, and it wouldn't matter if it was jetliners or cargo planes or whatever. I--I just would really love that, uh, feeling of freedom. Yeah. I know what you mean. So now you know my big secret. You should do that, Kirk. Well, thank you. It's easy for you to say. - You switch jobs at the drop of a hat. - No! No! Not at all! My parents don't even know I quit the firm. - What? - Yeah, I know. My--My dad's an old-fashioned guy. He's all about security and, like, steady pay cheques. And I guess we have a problem with communication and, um I would like that not to be the case. And--And maybe-- maybe one day it won't be. - Yeah. - (Phone ringing) - Do you have to get that? - OK. No, you know what? It's fine. - Really? - Yeah. MOLLY: This is Molly McCleish. I'm sorry I missed your call. - Please leave a message-- - What?! Nuh-uh. There's too many things I haven't done yet # There's too many sunsets I haven't seen # You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down # You would've thought by now # I'd have learned something # Yeah`eah, yeah, yeah, # mmm, do-do-do-do-do-do-do. # Never been driven home by a waiter before. No. No, nobody usually is. - No, right. - (Nervous laugh) - I had a really nice time. - Yeah? Yeah. Uh thank--thank you. Me too. (Chuckles) You're not thinking about Cam, are you? Ah, no. Uh "Cam who?" is--is how I feel. No, I've completely forgotten how good-looking he is and how beautifully moisturised his skin tones are. - OK. Well, um-- - Oh, uh my seat belt is screwed up. (Mutters) - Thank you. - You're welcome. STAINER: She kissed you? She, with her actual mouth, kissed you? On purpose? Yeah, man, I know. I'm so happy for you, Kirky. I'm not. I'm really nervous. I mean, it feels like the universe is out of tilt. You know? One of us is gonna die. So what's the next step here? We gonna take this up a notch? I'm referring to sexual relations, Devon. Well, she's coming to lunch with my parents on Sunday. What? Why? Why would you do that? You can't do that, dude. That's like-- you're jumping six steps! Well--Well, she asked me. I don't know. What was I supposed to say? That takes care of that. I mean, twenty minutes with your family and she'll file for a restraining order. We're safe. Hey, did she say anything about Wendy? You know, like about me? (Engine rattling) (Man shouting in Japanese on TV) DAD: OK, move it. Move it, move it, move it, move it. - That's what I'm talking about. - KIRK: Mom? - That's what I'm talking about. - MOM: Oh! Hi, sweetie. Ha! Hi! I'm Kirk's mom! - Hi. I'm Molly. - Hi! Nice! - To meet you. - Yes. Hi. I'm Molly. Nice to meet you too. Thanks. - Could I use your restroom? - Oh, right through there, hon. OK. Thanks. I'm gonna use the restroom. - Ah. Mm-hm. - OK. Through there? - Oh, yeah, right through there. - OK. - Oh, we don't flush number ones. - MOLLY: Sorry? - Nothing! - Jesus Christ, Dad! - What? Well, she's a guest. I thought maybe we could make one exception? We got very delicate plumbing. - I-- - MOM: Honey. - She's really cute. - She's sweet. All that hair! Oh! You want to watch the Jap show? (Rock music playing) - Argh! - Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Nailed it. Dylan, I was explicitly told that you wouldn't be here today. I--I thought you were hanging drywall or something. - Leroy fired him again. - Whatever. Like that dick never came to work with a little buzz on. I brought a girl with me, uh, so I am begging you, from the bottom of my heart please don't be a jerk and I'll do anything you want. Slap Shot Regatta. Uh (Gasping) How long was I down there? What's my time? - What's my time? - Nope. Only 58 seconds. Damn it! Oh, hey there, pirate! So Ron, you're here. - That means that, uh-- - MARNIE: Ohhh, yeah! Who wants it? Who wants it? Who wants it? - I'll show it! I'll show it! - RON: Oh, yeah! - Oh, yeah! - (Whooping and hollering) Oh, stop it, guys. Boner Patrol! (Laughs) - Hey, Kirk. - Hi there. Um, everybody, this is Molly. Molly, this is everybody. Uh-- That's my brother, Dylan, his fiancee, Debbie and, uh, my-- Marnie and Ron. Hey, everybody! This is when you say, "Hi, Molly." - Who are you? - She's Molly. - Why is she here? - She came with me. Did you hit her car or something? Jesus. No, but thank you for asking. - Are you his social worker? - Nope. - Shit, are we being evicted? - No. - Are you a hooker? - Dylan! - Or a prostitute, I mean? - Oh, my God. No, Kirk and I were having dinner the other night and he said he was getting together with his family and it's been a while since I had a family dinner so, I don't know, I hope you guys don't mind I just invited myself along. Well, come on in for a dip, girl! - Yeah. - Ron! Oh, no. You know what, I don't even have a bathing suit. - Fuckin' wear your underwear. - Yeah. - It's just like a bikini. It covers all the good shit. - Yeah, underwear is fine. Ron! It's like what they did in the old days. Underwear would be fine if I were wearing any. (Scoffs) (Blows bubbles) MOM: Lunch is ready! I'm coming! (Grunts) My mom makes awesome meatloaf. Oh, cool. After you. You sure you want another one, Dad? What are you, my sponsor? Hit me! MOM: Ron, honey, you know, I never complimented you on your sweater vest. It's--It's something! - DYLAN: There you go. - Dylan, you know, I think if you just apologized to Leroy - he'll take you back. - No, screw him. Anyways, I already got a fool-proof money-maker on the way. You're really gonna want to pay attention to this. I know how to make any car into a convertible - in fifteen minutes, so-- - Wow. - Yeah. You know why? - No. Two words--global warming. Uh, actually, Dylan according to "The Day After Tomorrow," the film, uh the Earth actually gets colder. Yep. Uh, what--what's up with you, for you, these days? Are you, uh--? What, you want me to help you with the--? Oh, fuck it. Are you seriously not wearing any underwear? - Dylan! - Deb, we're all thinking it. If you want to plan an exit strategy or leave right now I--I won't be offended. No, I'm not going anywhere. - DYLAN: What do you do? - I'm an event planner. See? That's a business to get into. - MOM: Uh-huh. - That's using your head. - Thank you, Dylan. - No, wait for it. I mean, book a band, blow up a few balloons-- people pay out the ass for that shit, don't they? Yeah, they do. (Clearing throat noisily) (Whispering) I'm not wearing any underwear. Hey, Molly, Molly. Check it out. So, Deb and I are getting hitched. - Uh-huh. - How much cash do you pocket for a wedding job? Dylan, is any of this striking you as inappropriate? We're just making conversation. Don't get your panties in a wad, Kirk. Jesus. No, it's fine. Um, a lot of factors affect the cost of a wedding. Check it out. We got about a hundred peeps coming - Yep. - we're doing a whole NASCAR theme in Vegas. I'm gonna get this kick-ass dress made out of actual chequered flags, like real tight and then Dylan's gonna be in a wicked orange tux with a Home Depot logo on the back. - What's up, right? Right? - (Laughs) - You've probably never seen anything like that, huh? - Extensive. Uh-huh. What's the damage on something like that? My base fee is 15,000 so, a hundred people, I mean, uh I'd ballpark that somewhere around fifty grand. - Fuck you! - Fuck you. - What?! - Fuck you. - DAD: Fuck you. - DEBBIE: Fuck you! - Fuck you! - Fuck! That's a lot of 15-minute convertibles, eh, there, Dylan? Wait, so you--you make a pretty comfortable living, huh? Sometimes. Like, you got your head on right. And you don't do underwear. What the hell are you doing with numb nuts here? - MOM: Dylan! - No, hey, no, fair question. That's a fair question?! Molly, I am so sorry. It's fine. You know, um-- I mean-- Well, I don't--I don't really know. No! Uh, he makes me laugh. Um, he doesn't try and impress me. And, um I can just be me around him. - DEBBIE: That's sweet. - MOM: She's a keeper. Kirk makes you laugh? You a comedian? I didn't know. Hey, tell us a joke there, Sinbad. I totally understand what you're talking about, Molly. It's the curse of being an attractive woman. I mean, men are always putting us on a pedestal expecting us to be something that we're not. - "Us?" - Come on, Marnie, get real. What? OK. You know, Molly, we are taking a big family trip out to Branson on the 31st. And I think you two should come. - I think you're wrong. - (All chattering) I don't think that's a very good idea. Yeah, definitely! You should come! - Oh, no, I don't-- - RON: They've got shows-- Kenny Rogers has got his own theatre there. We'll get a ticket. I'll get you a ticket. - Branson's small. - Branson's a big place! Shut up, Ron. - C--Could we go? - It's your call. OK. Well, I'll--I'll see what I can do. - (Cheering) - Hot dog! - Result! - All right, relax. Molly, I think there's something you should know. Kirk and I used to be lovers. If you stay with him long enough he'll give you one of these. - (Laughter) - Thank you, Dylan. (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Life's better together. Join Vodafone on a monthly plan, and if you don't love our network within 30 days, we'll give you your money back. That's our network guarantee. Kirk, you look really good. Thank you. You look really-- Thank you so much. RON: It was fantastic meeting you! - Oh, you too. - You're so special - and, God, I just-- - Oh. Oh! Uh-- (Whispering) Branson--think about it. - MOLLY: OK. - OK? She's really great. - Later, pirate. - Yeah. Bye, pirate. MOM: Maybe you could wrap those potatoes up. Ah, come on, Molly, you're a guest here. You really don't have to do that. Oh, I don't mind. You ready? You and me. Downstairs. - Slap Shot Regatta. - Man, Dylan we're not children anymore. - Do we really have to do this? - Mom! Kirk, honey, go play with your brother. We need some girl time. Yeah, you promised. So, pad up, chicken shit! Yeah, I'll see you down there. Aw, crap. Come on, babe, let's do this! Let's focus it up. DYLAN: Left side, babe. - That was lucky. - He never saw it, but he stopped it. - Come on, Dylan, give it to him. - DYLAN: Come on! Oh, what, you think you're Mr. Hot Shit now - with your new chick? - What? No! Maybe I'm just a bit lucky tonight. - You're not better than me. - I-- I mean, take a look around. All these trophies - say Dylan Kettner. - Uh-huh. First place. First place. MVP. I don't think I'm better than you. I never said that. And, yeah, maybe Molly's a little better-looking than I am. A little? Are you shitting me? OK, I think we can all agree that Debbie here is one wicked hot box. - Thanks, babe. - And this chick of yours - makes her look like a pig. - What? You're an asshole, Dylan! - See? - DEBBIE: What? This girlfriend of yours has already started shit. Did you see that, Mom?! Shoe save! Butterfly! (Cheering) - Oh! - (Groaning) - I want to have another baby! - DAD: It's OK, sweetheart. DAD: OK, boys, it's a tie. There are no ties in hockey, as there are no ties in life. - True. - Last shot. Winner takes all. (Yells) OK, come on, you can do it, Kirk. OK? He's got nothing. He's got less than nothing. - Own it. - Come on, Dylan! Get in the zone! You're still my MVP, baby! And Kirk's just a skinny little loser! - Jesus, Debbie. - Man, I got to sit down. You want to do this? Let's do it. (Molly cheering) - DEBBIE: Damn! - MOLLY: Whoo-hoo! - Fuck it! - MOM: Oh, Dylan. This floor's all slippery! And these shoes are fucked for this! - Dylan! Hey, sportsmanship. - Fuck you! - Time out. - You guys take a time out for being assholes! DEBBIE: Oh, God. (Car rattling and squeaking) Ta-da! - I'll get us some wine. - Yeah, cool. This place is gorgeous! Thank you. This kind of reminds me of my place, except for, uh my place is a total shithole. This is--This is awesome. How long have you lived-- - (Barking) - Oh, my God! What the fuck is that?! Oh, that's Captain Pickles. I'm watching him while my folks are on vacation. - (Growls) - What is he? A--A dog or a fucking horse? Sit down. Wha--Uh, me or the dog? You. He doesn't like people standing. He feels threatened by it. He gets all, you know, angsty. Hey, angsty, that's, uh-- No, hey, uh I come in peace. (Grunts) Thank you. - Chin-chin. - (She chuckles) (Bill Withers: "Use Me" playing) (Whimpers) OK, wait. Um... - I don't want to move too fast. - I d--No. Sure, no problem. No problem. No, don't get me wrong. I mean once I trust a person, I can experiment and... get pretty generous. Yeah, yeah. No, me too. Me too. Uh, I--I love, love to experiment and, uh, I, I get really generous. I can be very, very generous. Uh, I--I am quite the charitable lover. Baby, baby, baby, when you love me I can't get enough # They keep tryin' to tell me all you wanna do is use me... # I got--Can we-- Can we stop for two secs? - No. - (Moans) (Grunts) (Inhales, breathes rapidly) (Grunting) (Groaning, grunting) - Ohh! - (Doorbell) - MAN: Honey, you there? - (Barking) - Dad? - Dad?! What the--? Oh, dear God! DAD: Are you in? - MOLLY: Hey! - Hey. - MOM: Hey, baby. - KIRK: (Whispering) Shit. I told you we should call ahead. - We decided to come back a day early. - DAD: Thought we'd come by and take the Captain off your hands. KATIE: Hope we aren't interrupting anything. - Who's your little friend? - Well, this is Kirk. Gerald McCleish. It's a pleasure. Yeah. Uh-- Uh, nope. Nope. - No? - I don't, uh-- (Sighs) Well--Oh, God, where are my manners? You guys must be exhausted from your travels. Please, hey, have a seat. Put your--Put your feet up. Really get into a groove. - Thank you. - KIRK: Sure. That's very kind of you. KIRK: I think I have that same sweater. Really? (Captain Pickles growls) S--So, uh--That's-- - Uh-- - (Grunting) - Uh, no--Oh, Lord. - Oh. Oh, no, Captain Pickles. No. - No, Captain. - (Slurping, grunting) Pickles. Kirk? Uh, uh, excuse me. Tha--Thank you for having me. This has been a lovely evening. Uh-- Good night. Awesome. STAINER: Devon, I'll give you $50 just to curse once. 75. Just say "fuck". I won't--I won't say it out loud. I'll write it. That doesn't count! - You're gonna what? - I'll write it down. - That doesn't count. - You have to say it out loud. - Why doesn't it count? Just say "shit". I'll give you $100. - Ohhh! - Hey, Kirk. Um, my shift doesn't start for another half-hour, but I was so excited so, uh, I came early. Yeah, it was weird. He said he was really excited and so he came early. Does that ever happen to you? You're so excited about something that - you come early, you know? - Jesus Christ, Devon you're Fort Knox over here. Thank you very much. I didn't mean to tell them, Kirky. I'm sorry. Dude, come on, he couldn't help it. It just, you know, slipped out. STAINER: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (Laughs) Thank you. Thank you very much. And, uh, go fuck yourselves. - Hey, guys. - Oh, shit. Kirk, can I, um, talk to you for a second? In private. There are no secrets here, Marnie. Oh. OK. Well I think I made a little mistake and, um, I see a change in you and I really like it, so let's get back together! Just to try it out. You know? Uh, that's really interesting. Uh... No, I don't think so. But you broke up with Molly. - She cornered me. - Jesus, Devon! Uh, look, Marnie, I moved on like you kept telling me to. - And you're only here because some other girl has shown interest in me. - That's not it! Look, Kirk, I am really worried about you with her. She seems like kind of a bitch. So I'm just saying that if you want to get back together, like you begged me before, I am even willing to consider breaking up with Ron. What?! - You're still with Ron. - The pirate? Yeah. I'm not gonna risk being all alone just 'cause Kirk doesn't know what's good for him. Look, Kirky. Deep down, you know it is never going to work out with you and Molly. And I just can't stand to see you get hurt. So if that makes me the bad guy, so be it. It's embarrassing. Jesus Christ. Hey. Did you just come in your pants again? You can tell us. We're your friends. Did you? Hey, Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly? - Because I thought you had. - No. We're just in a sticky wicket. A "sticky wicket"? Yeah, a rough patch. Rough pumpkins. And how many times have you called her? Five. And how many times have you really called her? Seventeen. It's done, man. Tao of Love. - What? - That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over, man. No. It's not over. And, frankly, I'm kind of sick of all of you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you guys know what I'm going through right now. Tina Jordan does. - Who the hell is Tina Jordan? - She was my Molly. You--You never mentioned her. I didn't want to jinx it. I mean, she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I should've seen it coming too, because she was a ten. Like a hard ten. And I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke. And... I was depressed for months. That's what that was? You said you had mono. - Yeah, mono of the heart. - DEVON: Aw. Oh, my God. How's your vagina? Shut up, Jack! Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back. OK, well, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you really believe he's gonna end up with Molly. - Just tell him that. - Fine. Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that-- I--I mean, I--I think anything is possible. Anything is possible?! Come on! Like, there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with beautiful women. Such as? Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards. All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum you can push your meat into any human being that you want. OK, OK, OK, uh... King Kong and Naomi Watts. Never consummated. Totally platonic relationship. - Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse. - Mm. He's the Master of Space and Time! He knows about black holes and shit. Hey, what about the President of France and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger? He knows about wine. And he has a French accent. He can probably French-kiss like a motherfucker! - JACK: Ooh! OK-- - Wait a second. The Beast. - Who? - The Beast! From "Beauty and the Beast." Beast won Beauty's love, and he wasn't rich and he wasn't a recording artist. - Though he did have an amazing voice. - OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But, yes, that's one. One out of a million. You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you know, you guys just sit here and talk about relationships, but the truth is I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah. I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets because I've only been with one girl. It's because she was the right girl. That's why I married her. So, Kirky, let me tell you something. If Molly's the right girl that's all that matters. You just-- You stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in her grill and you say, "Hey. "I am Kirk Kettner "and I am right here "standing in front of you "right here. "Here I am." Something like that. - Power of love. - Beautiful. Perfect. Thank you. I was in debate junior/senior year I don't know if you guys remember that. Oh, there she is. (Groans) Listen to me, dude. You got to go in there loud and proud and you just got to tell her, "Hey. "I jizzed in my shorts." You know? No! "That's what I do, OK? It's how I roll. - "Deal with it." - You know, I--I know I don't-- I know--I know I don't know much about this but that-- that can't be good advice. Yeah, I--I'm not gonna do that. Dude, you have nothing to be embarrassed of. If anything, you paid her a compliment. Right? Trust it. Here goes nothing. Oh, shit, Molly. Six o'clock. Hey, Molly. - Hey. - Uh-- - Did you get my messages? - Yeah, yeah, I got them, Kirk. Kirk, what the hell happened the other night? Um-- You act like a freak with Captain Pickles and you won't even get off the couch to shake my father's hand when we had a whole conversation about how - he was old-fashioned! - Yeah, I--Oh, I know. I know. I'm sorry. I spent a whole day with your entire family and you can't even spend thirty seconds with mine. I mean, that's a pretty big red flag. It is not a red flag, Molly. Oh, Kirk, I can't do this here. I'm--I'm working and-- OK. Sorry. I ejaculated in my pants. Uh-- Uh, uh, we--we were getting sort of hot and nasty. Uh, and, you know, it's not every day that I have a super-hot girl grinding on top of me, and I got a little too excited and before I know it, your parents are in the room and I'm sitting there with just a big friggin' oyster in my shorts. (Laughing) Right. Sorry. Sorry. I mean, I'll say this for him, he's honest. So thanks for the advice. That went horribly! Enjoy the air show, boys. I'm going to, uh, go-- No guy in his right mind would ever make that up. - Right? - (Patty laughs) You should probably go talk to him. Yeah. Just wait one second. And here she comes. - (Laughs) - Kirk! - Yes! - (Laughter) DEVON: Oh! She told him a joke or something. Something's funny. They're--They're ki-- They're gonna ki-- They're kissing! Yes! - You're like Yoda. - Yeah, I know. Like Sex Yoda. (As Yoda) "The Force is strong with you, Jack." JACK: Trust the system. It takes care of itself. (Kirk humming) - That went well. - Kinda. (Laughs) MAN: Wow. She sure is something, isn't she? - It's Kirk, right? - Hi, Cam. CAM: Excellent to see you again, sir. Listen, Kirk. - Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah, I guess so. Listen, Kirk. I understand that fellas such as yourself have uniquely candid relationships with the women that they befriend--am I right? Fellas such as myself? Well, don't get me wrong-- I have no problem with your lifestyle. I mean what two or more grown men do in the privacy of their own home - hell, it's of no concern to me. - Uh-- Now, I don't know what Molly's told you about me, all right? But if she said anything bad, let's face it I probably deserve it. Actually, Cam, we haven't-- As God is my witness, I will get her back. - Cool. - Now, can I count on you to put in a good word for me there, Elton John? Yeah, whatever gets this over with. You're the man, Kirk. Bring it in. Yeah, you got it. Oh, can you feel that tolerance? (Sniffs deeply) Man, you gays smell good! That's good. This is awesome! Does anybody have a camera? Stainer. What? Wait a minute, dude. Does that--Does that say--? Yep, I think it does. Jesus, man. - God damn. - Did you guys get a picture? By the way, Kirk you can do better than these guys. I mean, this one is kind of cute, but the other two-- Oof! Show some pride, pal. This is Pittsburgh tower. Foot Long, you are cleared for take-off on runway 20. Roger that, tower. Turn and burn. Honestly, I'd have sex with that guy. STAINER: Yeah, I would. Cos she's so high # (Molly whooping) She's so high # Like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite # Do-do-do-do-do, she's so high, # High above me # I know where I belong, # and nothing's gonna happen. Yeah, yeah # Yeah, yeah. Cos she's so high # High above me, she's so lovely # She's so high, # high above me. # So, how's your sister doing? She turns 21 next week and she--I don't know, she still has no sense of direction. You know? She's coming over for dinner, and I really-- I really want to give her advice, but I don't know what to say to her. You know? You don't know what to say to her? She's only 20. She's not 30. And she's not you, you know? I--When I was 20, I did not have my act together, man. I mean, look at this kid now. I'm in TSA. I am living the dream. You're right. Maybe I am being too hard on her. And, I'm sorry, but she's coming over for dinner? She's turning 21! You got to throw her a party. I mean, that's what you do for a living, right? Throw parties? I can't believe I never thought of that. - That's a really good idea. - Thanks. STAINER: Kirk, it's been ten dates and you can't seal the deal? What's wrong with you? JACK: Listen to me. Dude, things with Molly are good, right? They're back on track. You have got to recover from your little oopsie-daisy, little early-bird special. - You know what I'm saying? You got to get back in that ring. - It's just terrifying, frankly. Uh, the idea of me naked in front of her... also naked. But what's to be terrified of? Because you've done your prep work, am I right? Yeah, I--I think she likes me. - She really likes you. - Thank you. That's cute. Yeah. That's good. But it's not at all what I'm talking about, dude. - Oh. - A girl like Molly ` hot as shit, manicured from fucking head to toe. - STAINER: Mm, yeah. - Right? Jack, what the hell are you talking about? Listen, I'm talking about this, all right? - Uh-huh. - I'm talking about this. DEVON: Your chin. And I'm talking about this. - Ohhh! - KIRK: Hey! - No, no, no, look, guys! - KIRK: Jack! This is fine. 'Cause this is clean. It's organised. It's kind of Japanese-looking, to be honest. Whatever you do, Devon, just don't look directly at it. I'll bet you Cam's balls look like this. It's like a baby. It's just smooth. It's a look that says, "Hey, you can put your mouth here." He is--He just moved! JACK: It's just a thought. Just trying to help, that's all. All right. Stainer, let's get out of here. STAINER: Yeah, I'm hungry. I gotta go eat. Hey, Kirky. Prep work. You hear me? Out. OK. Here goes nothing. (Scraping) - Oh! Ow! Shoot! - Kirky! Kirky! We should've done a hot towel. You know, like those old-timey barbershops? Helps raise the hairs. I don't like this! Kirk, if you want to abort the mission, that's completely cool. I--I can't really abort the mission right now. Uh, I've shaved approximately one third of my balls. I'll look pretty fucking stupid if I stop now. Did you shave one ball and then the other ball or are you working top to bottom? Shut up, shut up! You shut up. I mean, seriously, just shave it like your face! I can't do it like my face! My face doesn't have two fuckin' testicles sticking out of it! If it did, I would grow a pretty thick goddamn beard. Kirk. Kirk. Do you need a hand? - (Scraping) - Oh, motherf--! (Buzzing) There we go. (Buzzing continues) So how is this not gay? I think there's nothing gay about it. The fact that you're letting a straight married man - shave your testicles - (Buzzing stops) I think that makes you one of the most macho guys alive. There is some logic in that. Mm. Thank you. You know what? Can you pick that up? Can you pick 'em up for me? There it is. (Buzzing) Ah, ew, that's a lot. OK, drop 'em. - Ah! - (Buzzing stops) Voila! Ow. Ow-ow. Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. Take a look! What do you think? - Devon! - (Chuckles) It looks fucking huge! # My friends wonder why I call you all the time # 3 What can I say? Yeah, yeah. # # But I don't feel the need to give such secrets away # # Well, you think maybe I need help # # No, I know that I'm right # # All right! # # I'm just better off not listening to friends' advice # # When they insist on knowing my bliss # - # La, la-la, la, la-la, la, la-la # - # I tell them this # # When they want to know what the reason is # # I only smile when I lie, then I tell them why! # - # Because your kiss - Your kiss is on my list # - Because your kiss - Your kiss I can't resist # Because your kiss is on my list # Of the best things in life. # Because your kiss! # (Cheering) (Feedback squeals, drums clatter) All right, everybody, give it up one more time for Adult Education! Awesome stuff. They're going to, uh play some more Hall & Oates for us and, uh maybe some other old favourites from some other artists? - No? Nope. - (People groaning) Just--Just more Hall & Oates. Everybody, let's raise a glass to Patty and Molly for throwing by far the coolest party I've ever personally been invited to. Great job, girls. Let's hear it for Patty and Molly! (Cheering) And now to the, uh, gorgeous birthday girl, Katie McCleish. You're 21 years old now. What else can I say? Let life come to you. Happy birthday, Katie! Thank you. All right, guys, enjoy the party. - Dude, hold this for me. - Wh--Why? It's better with my jacket off. Ditch that somewhere. Where? What? What am I supposed to do with this? OK, now we're gonna take it down. A lot. You're totally gonna jump his bones tonight, aren't you? I don't know. Maybe. - Hey. - Hey. I think it's time for you to dance with me. Hey, Devon! Wendy, remember? No. No, I don't. Aw, shoot. I--I think this is the first time we're meeting. Ever! - I don't think-- - This is my wife, uh, Karen. - I'm Karen. - Wendy. BOTH: Nice to meet you. - You too. - (Laughs loudly) - OK, I'm gonna-- - OK. What? ...you take a piece of me with you # Oh, there's my parents! Hey! Hey, let's go meet them. Uh... She's with that fucking asshole. - Hi! - Hi, darling. - Hey, baby, hello. - Dad, hi. You, uh, remember Kirk. Yeah, how could we forget? Oh, this time we--? Ah. Ah. Hi there. Uh, Mr. and Mrs. McCleish, uh, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. The last time we met wasn't exactly the world's greatest first impression. - No, it certainly was not. - I promise you that I will grow on you. I hear this party was all your idea. Oh, no, no, this is--all Molly's. What line of work are you in, son? It's kind of a long story. Uh, I grew up-- - Kirk's in aviation. - Another pilot? - Really? Really? - Molly likes the flyboys. - Just like your mother. - I flew choppers back in Nam. - Saigon evacuation, April '75-- - He's been pushing Molly to take flying lessons. Yeah, after she passes the bar. (Laughs loudly) Flying! Hey, now here's a pilot! - How are you?! - You son of a bitch! - Boy, good to see you! - Good to see you. - Lucille, don't you look lovely. - Hello, Cam. What? - Kirky! - Cam-y! I di--I didn't think you were gonna be here. Oh, you bet. Ger and Lucille invited me. What a pleasant surprise! Target acquired. - Cam, how's it going? - Mol. Um, have you seen Katie? Let's go see Katie. OK, yeah, I'm just-- I'll see you down there. - Good to see you again, kid. - Nice to see you, sir. I'll see--I'll see you down there. Mind if I join you? So, uh... Molly just explained all about you two and I got to admit I feel, uh, I feel like a jackass. Don't worry about it, man. It's all good. Uh, I thought you were gay too. Just joking. I'm just joking. You are funny. Thank you. All right, then. Take good care of her. She's a special girl. Yeah, she's perfect. Ooh, yeah, about that, um-- Don't--Don't really call her that. She doesn't like it. - And besides, she's not exactly perfect anyway, right? - What do you mean? All right, listen. Don't let it creep you out, OK? I mean, the first time I saw her little defect Woof! I'll admit it gave me the willies. But it might not bother you. Who knows? All right? And even if it does, just-- just try to be cool. You know what, you'll-- you'll get used to it, all right? - Good luck. - No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. Please, this is-- this is very important. Uh, birth defect? What is it? I can't tell you that, man. That's something you're gonna have to figure out for yourself. I'm out. Interesting. - Your turn. - Yeah. Oh, shit. I haven't really been hitting the gym as much as I should lately. It's OK. Holy Moses. MOLLY: Ooh. - Interesting. - What? What? What? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. What's wrong? It's been a while and I'm not very experienced, uh... sex-wise. Kirk, please. Your balls are shaved. Oh, I know. I know. It's kind of a new thing I'm trying out. It's--It's a bad idea. I feel like I'm eleven. OK, what if I show you something that I'm self-conscious about? Oh, that would be amazing. OK. - Promise me you won't laugh. - No. Oh, no, I--I--I promise. OK. What am I looking at? That's it? That's your big defect? Webbed toes is not a defect! Yeah, no shit webbed toes is not a defect! I--I-- I was expecting some kind of pulsating growth or... a cluster of lumps or--or--... or just, like, a little dick that, I don't know, talked. I--This is what-- All you got is it's inconvenient for you to wear flip-flops? Who told you I have a defect? - Cam? - Well, yeah. And--And as far as I can tell, that's the only thing separating you from perfect. You think I'm too perfect? So you were hoping there was something wrong with me so you could be with me. Look at the evidence, Molly. I'm unattractive. I'm out of shape. I'm uncoordinated. I've never been to Europe. I'm not a college graduate. I drive a Neon. (Laughs) I like your Neon. Oh, God, come on, Molly, look at me! I'm a five. This--This is a five. Hard five. You can't jump more than two points. It's--It's the Tao of Love. Everybody knows that. Even if you were a nine and I was in a band. But no, you're--you're-- you're a hard ten. What are you talking about? Ah, d-- Do you even know how hot you are? No, you-- you probably think that everybody gets free shit everywhere they go, and everybody's happy and nice to each other in shiny, happy Hot Town with you and all your hot friends and ex-boyfriends. But I hate to break it to you, it's not the same for the rest of us. OK, Kirk. You clearly have some major self-esteem issues. You lied about me to your parents right in front of me! - No, I didn't! - "Kirk's in aviation"? That's like saying the guy who shovels elephant shit at the circus is in show business. No, he's just the elephant shit guy. That's me. I'm that guy. I'm never going to be a pilot. And I'm happy with that. And I'm fine with that too. And I was fine with you up until about three minutes ago. I'm so glad that you were fine with me. You know what, Kirk? Maybe you're right. M--Maybe you are a five. You know why? No self-esteem-- deduct a point. Every time someone walks into a room you compare yourself to them-- deduct a point. You're a smart and talented guy who's afraid to do anything with it--deduct a point. Um, how are we doing? Oh, oh, yeah. Hoping that I have a defect that you can work with? Deduct whatever's left. I'm outta here. Webbed fucking feet-- are you kidding me? Kirk! Hey, do me a favour. Tell Foot Long I said hi. He's my ex-boyfriend, Kirk. Ex! And do you even know why we broke up? Why? Because you guys couldn't decide which one of you was hotter? No, because he behaved exactly like you're behaving right now. He couldn't handle it. He thought I was perfect. He had me on a pedestal that I couldn't possibly live up to! Oh, and one other little thing? - He cheated on me. - Ah. And so after that, I said to myself, "I'm not gonna date guys like that anymore." But--"Guys like that"? So, what, you were just-- you were gonna date guys like me? Is that what you want to hear? That I asked you out because I thought you were safe? Yeah, please, keep going. That I thought that a guy who looks like you wouldn't hurt me? Is that what you want to hear, Kirk? Are you happy now? Yeah, I'm ecstatic. Kirk! (Sighs) ...And I know now who I am # Yeah, yeah # There's a place I go when I'm alone # Fuck. Hold it close, won't let this go # Dream catch me, yeah # Dream catch me when I fall # (Radio chatter) (Strumming on guitar) JACK: Because your kiss, your kiss is on my lips # - Because your-- - List. It's "list". - No, it's not, it's "lips". - No, it's "list". Why would it be "list"? "Because it's on my list of the best things in life." - Stainer. - Huh? - Hey. - Oh, hey, Kirk. Where have you been? STAINER: Here. Tune it. Oh, shit. So, you're all "Branson Bound", huh? Yeah. Uh, they-- - they were Marnie's idea. - Huh. - OK, Kirky, let's go. - OK, I--I'll see you guys later. STAINER: Relax. The Branson flight's not for another 45 minutes. I could just meet you down at the gate. OK. MOM: OK, everybody together. Honey, have you got everything? Wow, so you're-- really back with Marnie. Hey, fellas. Hand it over, dumb-ass. No liquids over 3.4 ounces. Good call. Hey, uh, pirate, can you spot me a twenty? I want to get one of those, uh, scented neck pillows. Uh, yeah, yeah, of course. - Here you go. - Thanks. - Hey, you got it. Are you kidding me? This might seem crazy, but he and I actually have a lot in common, so-- - Oh, fuck! - Sorry. You don't have anything in common with any of those people, man. Look at me. You OK? (Sighs) Do you think I really want to be "Branson Bound"? I don't. OK, the whole time you told me I wasn't good enough... you were right. So... this is my life. I got to go. Marnie's waiting for me. - See ya, guys. - Yeah. - See you later, Kirky. - See you. What? Hmm. What? God damn it. Tina Jordan. Here. Mary J. Blige! Hey, Wendell. Tina, I need to know right now why it didn't work out with us. - Uh, I have customers. - This is important, OK? This is important. I was good to you, right? I mean, I was sensitive. Remember when you got the flu? I didn't party at all that weekend. Remember that? Remember the leg massages? Remember when I used to run my hand down your back? - Like that? - Uh Remember when I nursed that baby bird back to health? Little Timothy? Huh? - He died. - Christ on a corndog! Tammy, can you cover for me? Yeah, sure. - Thanks, Tammy. - Whatever, Wendell. I really liked you, Wendell but all that stuff about I'm a ten and you're only a six? - Seven. - Fine. But you were all up in my beeswax all the time checking to see if I was gonna dump you. Yeah, but you did dump me! So why don't you just admit that I was never good enough for you? Wendell, you were plenty good enough for me. You were just never good enough for you. Oh, shit. I'm gonna need some gravy fries when I get back. Ma'am, can you put your seat forward, please? Tom fuckin' Wopat, bro. Told you. Kirky, look at David Archuleta. - LADY: Whoa! Can I help you? - STAINER: TSA. Excuse me. You have no authority on this aircraft. You better believe I do. All right. Everybody, listen up! TSA! I apologize. This guy's drunk as fuck. - He shit his pants. - (People groaning) And it's very embarrassing. We have to get him off the plane. Come on, sir. Come with me. Jesus Christ, Stainer, what are you doing, man? Listen, I was wrong about you and Molly, OK? We got to fix it. Just act drunk. - Thank you! TSA! - OK, look, believe it or not, buddy, this - has nothing to do with you. - Sir! - No, it's not about me. - I'm gonna have to ask you to exit the aircraft immediately. I'm gonna have to ask you to exit my personal space immediately. - KIRK: Stainer! - Fuck off! - Sorry, that's yours. - You're gonna get arrested by the Department of Homeland Security. They're gonna send you to Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, I like Cuba. I like mojitos. You don't want to go to Branson with these A-holes! - Did he just call us A-holes? - I mean, look at them. That one's pregnant. That guy's got hair in the front. - Dude-- - Sweetheart, the baby. Remember the baby. Yeah, I'm doing this for the baby. Don't be a hero! - How does this work? - No. Don't. Stop. - How does this fucking work? - Seat belt person! - They are my family. And I'm with Marnie now. Marnie is an evil bitch! - All due respect. - Kirk! Hit him! - Well, at least say something. - Come on, let's go. OK I was right about Molly. She's a ten, OK? A hard ten. But I was wrong about you. You're a ten also. So you can't settle for a three. - Two. - Arguably a two. Come on, let's go. Come on, buddy. Listen, you're the best guy I know. I won't let you end up with her. You're a ten, man! - Come on! - Listen to me! You are a ten! You're a ten! Kirk, don't do it! I'm not going! I'm not going! Motherfucker. All right, I'm going. I'm going. Whatever. Damn it! (Phone ringing) - Hello? - Hey, Patty. - Who is this? - It's Stainer. Don't hang up. How the fuck did you get my number? - TSA. Moving on-- - No, no, no, let's not move on. This better not be where you ask me out because you confused my hatred for you for some kind of flirtation because I thought I made myself very clear. No, no, no, you were very clear. We're good. 'Cause I genuinely hate you also. Oh. Cool. Cool. And we're back to talking. All right. So, Kirk is leaving on a plane with another girl. Now, I tried to get him off, but they threw me off the plane! - Stainer, your screw-up is not my problem. - No, we both screwed up. We told them it wasn't gonna work. And they believed us. So now, unfortunately, I need your help. (Sighs) Hello? Patty? God damn it, you fucking hung up on me! - OK, I'll see what I can do. - Thank you! Aagh! Sorry. (Radio transmissions) EastWest 43, you're cleared for taxi to runway 27. So, we are seeing "the" Dave Coulier tomorrow night. And then on Saturday night we're gonna see both of the Elvis tributes, and then on-- No. Excuse me? No, no, no. Stainer was right. - Stainer was right. - What are you doing? Kirk! Yeah, uh, I--I'm not going to Branson with you people. You are my family, and I love you but really, with the exception of Mom, you're all a bunch of bloodsucking vampires who never support anything I do. I--I'm going to go find Molly and show her that I am good enough. So fuck you, Debbie. Fuck you, Dylan. Fuck you, Dad. Fuck you... businessman! I'm sorry. Uh, and most of all fuck you, Marnie. Yep. You never deserved me in the first place, you evil little dwarf. So fuck you all! Yep. Sir. You need to take your seat. We're pushing back. I don't know if you just heard my speech but I need to get off this plane. Well, if I reopen that cabin door that's a $25,000 fine for you. Twe--Twenty-five--? What do you want to do? Is there another seat I could take? We're full. Now take your seat and buckle up. Yep. OK. (Sighs) PILOT: Cabin crew, lock doors and cross-check. (Brakes screech) What's going on? What's the big emergency? Molly, how are you doing? Fine. No, I'm actually asking you. How are you doing? Oh. - You have photo ID, right? - Well, yeah. - Where are we going? - Just buckle up! PILOT: Well, we should be on our way shortly, so just sit back and relax. OK, so you're gonna tell me exactly what's going on. In ten minutes, Kirk is leaving on a plane for Branson with a horrible, horrible girl. - Marnie? - Yes. Let's go. If Kirk's getting back together with Marnie, I'm not going! In fourth grade, I peed my pants. On several occasions. Everybody started calling me Stainer. And do you know how I made it through those dark days? Plastic underwear? In part. But also Kirk. You see, he told me to own that name. Call myself Stainer, so that nobody could hurt me with it. What's your point? Kirk is the best guy that I know. But he's like a-- he's like a spider. You know? He--He's more afraid of you than you are of him. And he also-- he has long legs and-- Look. (Sighs) If you want him, you got to go get him. We're moving. Where is the package? - It's right here. - (Molly laughs) OK. We couldn't get him off the plane so we've got to get you on. Oh, thank you, Stainer! This is so exciting. Yes! Oh, shit. Follow me. - Excuse me! - WOMAN: Hey! RANDY: Boarding passes and ID's out. MR. FULLER: Keep it moving, people! - One second. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing, Stainer? Putting her on a plane, that's what I'm doing. Well, unless she has a first-class ticket back of the line. Fuller, you have a choice. You can step aside, or you can fight me. And if that's how you want to go, I warn you I will go dark side. OK? I will rip out your hair, I'll bite your chin off and I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors. Because I am an insane motherfucker! You knew that from the break room! What's it gonna be? (Mouths) MOLLY: Yes! PILOT: Please check your seat belts. We're preparing for departure. Branson! They've gone. We missed it. No, no, no. No. No, this is not--this is supposed to happen right now. This isn't how this works. Yeah? Talk to Jack. Stop the plane. Dude, done and done. Yeah. That's how we roll. Oh, come here, beautiful. Time to go to work. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain. We got some kind of light on up here. Uh, some kind of mechanical problem. Anyway, we're going to have to deplane. - DYLAN: Oh, man! - (Passengers groaning) DYLAN: What's "deplane" mean? Come on, Jack. Come on. Come on, Jack! - (Laughing and whooping) - That's it. Let's go, let's go! Look, Kirk, I do not know what's gotten into you, but I just want to say I forgive you and we are going to go to Branson and we are going to enjoy it! OK, you got something off your chest, and that is fine. And it's over now. We are going to pretend that it never happened. Why are you walking so fast? Kirk! We're solid, baby! Oh, that is it. That is it! Motherfucker! Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry. I will catch you, Kirk. I will catch you! - Sorry, everybody. - I'm faster than you. I will catch you, if it's the last thing that I do! Oh! (Phone ringing) - Who is it? - It's Kirk. Kirk, where are you? Stainer, you were right, buddy. I just got off the plane. I'm gonna go find Molly. Oh, that's great, except we're right here. I'm with Molly. - What?! - We came to find you. We're at the gate! Turn around, dumb-ass. - We're right here. - All right. I'm--I'm coming to you. Come--Coming to you! Excuse me! Sorry! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - (Roaring) Oh, God. - (Groaning) -(Horn beeping) Hey, wait! Cart, wait! Oh, my God! - Go! - I got you, Kirk! Hey! I think we should see other people! Ohh! Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph. - You OK? - Yeah. - Hey. - Hey. What are you doing here? It was Patty and Stainer's idea. I--I--I just, uh-- I just knew that I had to come find you. I--I nearly, uh-- Kirk, shut up. Let me speak. That's a good idea. You are out of shape. - DAD: Mm-hm. - Yeah, I know. Not what I thought you were gonna say. You're uncoordinated. You're not a college graduate, you've never been to Europe and your car (Laughs) really is a shitbox. That's good. You were right. I did ask you out because I thought you would be safe and I wouldn't get hurt. And yes, I lied to my parents because I was worried what they'd think. I'm sorry. But I'm here to tell you that... I don't care if you want to be a pilot, a TSA agent or shovel elephant shit at the circus. Because I missed you. And I just want... us to be together. Jesus, uh, uh-- Are you really having to think about this?! - Shut up, Patty. - You shut up! I--I don't remember what the specific question was, but, uh - I do. - You do? - I will. - You will? I--I missed you. Guys, this is--it's a tale as old as time, you know? Song as old as rhyme. Do you think she's still not wearing any underwear? - OK, just stop it. - Stop it. MOLLY: Seriously, tell me where we're going! KIRK: Nope. Why won't you tell me? You won't even show me the tickets! I'm gonna find out. - Just trust me, OK? - Oh, you're so annoying! Ah, thar she blows! OK, that is not nearly big enough. - What the hell are you doing? - (Chuckles) I've been taking a few lessons lately. That's what you've been up to? Yep. Oh, uh, I should ask you-- did you pack your bags yourself? - Yes, I did. - All right, good. Then everything seems to be in order. You ever been to San Francisco? Yes. Good, because we're going to Cleveland. KIRK: Pittsburgh tower, November-545-Charlie-Papa requesting take-off clearance on runway two-niner. TOWER: 5-Charlie-Papa, you are cleared for take-off. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017